16 ONLY JOKING!
Bare cheek Brian Mitchell and Joseph Nixon’s thoroughly scurrilous Brighton column
DIAMOND GEEZERS!
trying to fit that big, fake, plastic diamond into that contraption that looked like something out of The Crystal Maze. Say what you like about Britain, but we do this sort of thing better than anyone. Roll on the Olympics! Emma Hutchins, Fishersgate Did someone actually bother writing Rob Brydon’s links for the Jubilee? Anne Spencer, Kemp Town What an inspired choice of Paul McCartney’s to finish his set with ‘Ob-La-Di’. It could only have been improved had Ringo come on to sing ‘Octopus’ Garden’. John Naughton, Hove
ETIQUETTE
I thought the A.B.of C.’s sermon on the virtues of public service and sacrificially performing one's civic duties was so refreshing. At last a clergyman who practises what he preaches! I wish him all the best in his surprise, early retirement.
the company that hired out the crowd barriers.
Our columnist solves your social behaviour problems in a trice
Charles Millford, Patcham
Dear Hetty, My wife and I have recently moved back to this country from Spain, to a very pleasant town in Sussex. My wife has suggested I join the local golf club as a way of meeting people and making friends. I haven’t played or been a member of a club for a good thirty years. Could you let me know what the correct etiquette is for joining these days? I don't want to bring shame on the family name. Robert Erwitt, Arundel
Gillian Bulstrode, Southwick Credit to the BBC for their excellent coverage of the Jubilee. I especially enjoyed the way they kept cutting away from some particularly colourful bit of pageantry to an indepth, behind-thescenes interview with, the bloke who empties the bins, or the CEO of
The whole 96 hours were a joy from start to finish, but the highlight for everyone must have been that moment, entirely befitting the dignity of her office, when Her Majesty fumbled about
Dear Robert, It’s simple; leave a skinned rabbit outside the clubhouse door for three days running for the club
SPECIAL “REDUNDANT ACRONYM PHRASES” EDITION
In • ATM Machine • DAT Tape • AC Current • LAN Network • LCD Display
Out
• PIN Number • HIV Virus • IRA Account • RF Frequency • UPC Code
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Your reflections on the Jubilee celebrations
In & Out
secretary to find. On the third day he will ask, “who keeps leaving these things here?” You will pop up from your hiding place and exclaim, “'Twas I, a poor believer”. The secretary will then grasp you by both shoulders and ask, “are you a good Englishman?” To which you must answer, “I am. I am a good Englishman”. Then you will be lead to a locked room, where you must fast for seven days and nights. On the eighth day you will be released and awarded your ceremonial slacks and bright Pringle jumper. Hetty X
Mad Matt Matt Whistler on his day as a donkey
S
omewhere between the two piers, a realisation hit. Grab the Clown of Death my two man boat, attach a hidden metal sheet to the bottom, wear a donkey outfit and get a hundred people dressed as Cleopatra to pull me whilst I (the donkey) graze on Astro turf grass in the boat. The Cleopatras grip the rope attached to the front of the boat and circumnavigate a roundabout at 5am, when there is no traffic around and then come to a grinding halt at the bottom of a hill when the lights go red. During this action I am still hurtling towards my boat, ‘Luggers’, and they all dive off to one side whilst I sail through on red. I am not entirely sure of the legality are of a grazing donkey in a two man boat, racing
through a red light. There might also be an issue with keeping the boat in a straight line and the donkey (me) rotating 360 degrees whilst speeding through a junction. I suppose it’s a statement on rotating donkeys and how donkeys just don’t get enough opportunity these days to rotate. The other issue of course is how do you bring the donkey to a grinding halt? Perhaps if I padded myself I could hurtle out of the boat, tumble and crash into a weird Yogic tangle and grind to a dishevelled standstill. It’s a huge pain in the arse not having a budget, guess I will just have to stick to modelling with plasticine.
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016_LS582_barecheek-madmatt_Editorial 15/06/2012 16:24 Page 2
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