Excelsior

EXCELSIOR!

Many Thanks To

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Mrs. Young Chase Quarterman Mr. Spurgeon James Palaima Eric Finkelstein Gingers Dr. Pepper Matt Goodman Dunder Mifflin Frat Boys Worldwide LBJ boys LAX The Color Purple Ice Cream The City of Austin The Janitors The Birds and the Bees Flowers “Sexy in the City” nail polish

Lindsay Burk The “h” and “i” keys power buttons worldwide Text wrap The Vontrap Family Power Cords Photoshop Glasses Spoons Lamps The Webster Dictionary People in Sweatpants Stephen Glass Toes Beautiful Butterflies toast Brazil Nuts Your Mom

Biographies Tim L. enjoys hanging out with his “urban” friends, namely “O.G. s-money” (Sander T.). They prefer to terrorize “the Hood” in their free time. They “tag” all of the rival “G’s” computers with “fly” pictures of fat people. They “spit phat rhymes” such as Lazy Scranton and “the original pimp” song. Tim, also known as T-money, can be found roaming the “hood” with his “dawg” S-money in search of cheap “goods”. They “roll” in their “pimped” out “ride”, the “T-slab”. They get into a lot of “tousles” with a certain hater, Akshay “thug-fo-life” J. Akshay thinks that he’s the “bee’s knees”. T and S money always “rough up” Akshay, so that they can defend their “turf”. Phat dawg out.

Emily T. is the best person ever. She enjoys long walks on the beach and tanning naked on her neighbor’s lawns. Her super powers include reading minds, transporting, and eating countless amounts of brownies.

Her extremely round bod makes it tricky to give her hugs. On any given weekend you can find her hanging out with her best bud in the whole world, Clara. Or you can find her at whole foods eating all of the samples.

Sometimes little kids cry because she steals their samples. Toe socks give Emily a “Clara.” Although Clara calls her a fatty all the time, she continues to ignore Clara and eat everything in sight. Clara is the best person ever. She is the very best friend anyone could ever ask for. Everyone loves her.

Clara W. is the best person in the whole entire world. And Jupiter. She kicks out all the competition with her rocking super powers of telekinesis telepathy, and flying. She enjoys flying around the world and landing in volcanoes, but her icy cold skin keeps her from heat exhaustion.

Whenever she is not on her sexy flights, she is spending time with her bestest bud, Emily. Emily is the skinniest person ever and never eats brownies or twinkies.

Ever. And though Clara may call her a fatty mcfatfat she is never sucked into the vortex of evil fattyness.

Clara couldn’t even hope for a better friend so, she showers emily with all of the love that she deserves.

After years in ‘Nam, Sander T. returned stateside and did some soulsearching. After finding out that he was the only man left from his unit alive, he drifted into Washington State. Wandering from town to town, he was soon arrested by a small-town cop for being a “drifter.” Quickly, he escaped the police station and hid in the forest, with the National Guard on his tail. S.T. held out against them with booby traps and guns, but he eventually gave in, after being convinced by his old officer from incountry. After some time in prison, Sander went on to fight again in ‘Nam, Afghanistan, and later Myanmar, and eventually settled down to write for Excelsior.

Welcome to the very first issue of Excelsior! We are super excited for you! Inside you will find rousing stories that will suck you into a vortex of pure awesomeness. The stories about fatties, frat parties, and gingers will blow your mind. Thanks so much for picking up this super duper crazy good copy of Excelsior!

Have a good read!

--- The Excelsior Team If you want to see more of our stuff you can check out our blog at http://riskittogethebiscuit.blogspot.com

EXCELSIOR

CONTENTS part one

In My Opinion... 1

one...Bring Back the Board of Education two...Pile It On three...Lucifer’s Lackeys four...Age of the Fat Kids

part two

Feature Me This... 5

five...The Gut Wagon six...Behind the Glasses nine...Run, James, Run! eleven...The Quarter Man

part three

A Little Something Extra... 14

thirteen...Frat Party is Going to be “Brahsome,” Sources Say fourteen...Blackout fifteen...The Best Darn Summer Treat Ever seventeen...LBJ LAX Won a Game eighteen...Adventures in Time twenty-six... Local Student Says: “This Day is Just Kinda Boring” twenty-seven...Seven Fun Things to do in Austin twenty-nine...Happy Hunting

1

Bring Back the Board A letter from a very concerned of Education senior citizen.

Rob walked slowly to the front of the room, ashamed of the paper plane that was now lodged in Mrs. Whitney’s hair. The teacher instructed him to go outside the classroom and wait. She reached in her desk and extracted an oak paddle from the drawer. She slung the weapon over her shoulder and followed Rob out the door. Seconds later, the harsh singing of paddle striking bottom and terrified screams of pain filled the hallway. Rob never misbehaved again.

Story and art By: Tim L.

We need to bring corporal punishment back to the school system. Many people cannot see the difference between paddling and child abuse, but paddling is a completely separate idea.

Corporal punishment has been a part of schools for years and has worked well to keep little rascals in line ever since its implementation. Not only is paddling a very inexpensive way to punish students, it is effective on kids of all ages. In fact, corporal punishment is one of the only effective ways to deal with misbehaving children.

Even though Ann Landers and other sissy-liberals say that hitting kids leads to violence later in life and even possibly death when performed incorrectly, corporal punishment is still a very effective and valid way of punishing kids. These hippies can’t tell the difference between beatings and beatings! They don’t know how to properly administer a good old fashioned beating.

A proper punishment is administered with a paddle to strike the child’s bottom, not their face or chest. A swat on the ass never killed anyone. Proper spanking technique involves swinging in a small arc, quickly returning the paddle to spanking position, and

spanking again. You should never swing from farther than two feet from the bottom. This way, the child is not injured.

The 142,000 children that the US Department of Health and Human Services say are seriously injured by corporal punishment each year aren’t really being punished. Those children are being abused. The difference between abuse and corporal punishment is large, but most people are blind to it. When a child is spanked, he knows what he has done, and the spanking occurs in a controlled environment. It is given by a teacher or faculty member who is in control of his or her emotions. It’s not an attack, it’s a punishment.

When a child is abused, the parent (who is usually a nutjob who’s been brainwashed by alcohol and rock music), is the culprit. When a child is punished with a spanking, he learns to respect authority, and gets a good taste of what happens when you get in trouble.

Because a good punishment is emotionless, the child won’t hate the teacher who administered it, just fear and respect them. When a child is abused, the child will learn to hate the parent because of the negative emotions that are directed at the child.

Not only is paddling effective, it is inexpensive.

A good solid paddle can be made of just about anything rigid and semiheavy. Paddles made from heavy plastic could be mass produced in factories (on American soil of course), and sold for 5 dollars a pop. We could be building entire schools out of paddles!

Furthermore, when all punishment is administered by a paddle, there is a less need for a detention system. Having misbehavers sit in detention for hours wastes valuable time that could

be spent teaching. Paddling students takes five minutes at the most, and it doesn’t take a specialized counselor to administer it. Any teacher with an arm can spank someone.

Everyone knows that most trouble causing ruffians have the thickest skulls, and talking to them is rarely fruitful. Children are too immature to really take criticism and verbal punishment seriously. My good buddy from the senior center, Sander T, once told me that “The only way to get to a kid’s head is through his bottom.” As a man I’ve known since I was a spry young sixty year old, I know I can trust his judgment. But little kids aren’t the only problem. Teens are just as bad. Actually, teens are the worst. They loiter, litter, disobey, skateboard on sidewalks, and do every other misbehavior imaginable. I remember when I was still living back in Houston; a bunch of kids ran from the school and started to spray paint stop signs. When they got busted, the teachers beat them so good that they made straight A’s for the rest of the year.

Despite the fact that paddling kids involves hurting their disobeying little butts, it is far from physical abuse.

It is administered in a very controlled environment, and cannot kill them. It is also a very inexpensive way to punish children, and it can save time and money which would be better used educating them. Finally, kids are so numb skulled that the only the sharp sting of a good swatting can get through to them. We need corporal punishment. Bring back the beatings!

2

e l i P ItOn

The homework deficit of today By: Clara W.

The description of a student with the proper amount of homework: blood shot eyes, messy hair, stinky clothes, and bad breath. The first-class disease that causes these symptoms is homework. More homework is essential to the welfare of high school kids. We don’t have lives, we don’t want to live on the street, and we like the stress that comes with a huge amount of homework.

You may think that we LASA students have lives, but we don’t. We don’t belong to any clubs or like to play sports. LASA kids don’t like to watch T.V. and don’t like to do anything on the computer except homework.

We students need and want homework to take up all of our free time. What could we possibly want with free time? Right now LASA students get about 4 hours of homework a night but what are we supposed to do with the rest of our time? We don’t have friends to play with. Annalee A. is a good example of this. Every night after finishing her homework she reads the dictionary because she has nothing else to do with her time. “I just don’t have any hobbies besides homework,” she says, “Homework time is my favorite part of the day and once I’m done with it, it makes me sad.”

Even parents agree that free time isn’t necessary. “I do not believe children need free time,” Aimee W., the mother of a highschooler, says, “Brain development and preparation for future success as contributing members of society are best achieved by stuffing our children’s heads with knowledge throughout their waking hours.”

In the real world lawyers and doctors and cops all have to do background research or “homework.” The amount of homework that we get now is like a pebble compared to that. If we aren’t prepared for the real world by having loads of homework piled on, we will get fired from our jobs

soon after being hired, for lack of work ethic, and have to live on the street and smell like crap and all of our teeth would fall out. However, if we were to get more homework it would prepare us for that and we can live in nice fancy houses with pools in the back yard and have maids. This would all be the result of not enough homework.

The more homework that we get, the more we will learn. “Home¬work does have an impor¬tant place in the learn¬ing expe¬ri¬ence and the more there is, the better,” says Jeni T., a high school mother and a vice principal. “If kids don’t get homework they will be stupid,” she continues, “If my daughter doesn’t have more than 4 hours a night, I complain to her teachers.” Yes, a lot of homework causes stress and grey hair for teens, but we like that stress.

Stress makes our days more enjoyable. Taylor T., a high schooler says, “The stress I get from my homework makes my life more fun. I’m not really sure what I would do without it…” In a report from Dr. Pepper, he proves that despite other reports, he has found that stress actually makes you live longer and that living without stress makes you die. Dr. Pepper has been quoted in recent school newsletter like “Kids are Stupid Monthly” and “Stress them Out Weekly” saying that kids should have “at least 8 hours of homework each

(See page 30 for rest of story)

Art by: Clara

3

Lucifer’s Lackeys

B

Sander T. offers the final solution to the Ginger Problem

By Sander T.

rian P. is just a regular kid—except for one thing: he’s a Ginger. And like so many Gingers in the modern world, he is constantly beaten and bloodied by his non-Ginger classmates.

Gingers have never been able to fit into regular society. Freckles and red hair that characterize the species revolt all non-Gingers. I believe that for everyone’s benefit, Gingers need to be isolated on a reservation in Ireland, which is the only way to solve the Ginger problem.

Ireland, the natural homeland of the Gingers, would be the best location for the reserve. Although some would consider this discriminatory, it is an important step for mankind. If the relocation was accomplished, Gingers would be able to develop their own culture unhindered in Ireland, they would be saved from extinction, would be in a safe location, and, most importantly, non-Gingers would not have to deal with these Gingers any longer.

Gingers are universally hated, and the human race as a whole would prefer them to be shipped off somewhere (namely, Ireland). Roughly 98% of Americans hate Gingers, according to a recent census. The 2% who didn’t answer “yes” on the census were the Gingers themselves. LASA student Clara W. has this to say about Gingers: “They’re pale, ugly, gross, and they smell bad.”

That is a fairly liberal opinion compared to many non-Gingers. These Gingers are often beaten up, knocked off their tricycles, and bombarded with trash. Occasionally, a Ginger will turn up dead. In 2003, a 20-year-old British Ginger was stabbed in the back, “for being Ginger.” In the U.S.’s most anti-Ginger towns, such as Austin, TX, vigilantes “protect” the town from Gingers with armed mobs and checkpoints.

Without Gingers (except in the reservation), the world as a whole would be much happier. For example, non-Ginger parents would feel safer letting their kids outside knowing that there aren’t any Gingers out there trying to take their children. As one 82-year-old grandfather Timothy L. from Austin, TX, says, “That hair and those nastyass freckles won’t haunt the lil’ uns no more! I can finally go back to my relatively pleasant nightmares of my time in Ko-rea.”

Some would argue that this is pure discrimination. “Gingerism is the last widely accepted form

Nasty Ginger: Shaun White

of prejudice! Gingers are people too, and this needs to stop!” LASA freshman Matt G. argues. However, this is not the case. Widely acclaimed Soviet scientist Pyotr Shirshov proved in a scientific study that Gingers literally have no souls. This shows that no matter how hard people work, Gingers will never be able to be fully integrated into society. So, the “Ginger Solution” is the best option for both parties. This plan benefits the Gingers as much as, if not more than, non-Gingers. Safely on a reservation, Gingers would be able to develop their own culture without being in constant danger of persecution.

They would be able to selectively breed for short tempers and large amounts of freckles to their heart’s content (not literally, as Gingers have no souls or hearts). An anonymous LASA Ginger said this: “It would be great. For the first time in my life, I would be able to do as I please and not have to conduct my pagan sacrifices privately. I can’t wait!”

Science has proven that Gingers are more than likely to completely die out in the next century if they continue to be absorbed into the general population. North Korean biologist Kyong Wonya proved that the number of Gingers worldwide is decreasing by a startling 6% annually, due to the fact that no non-Gingers want to breed with them. So, like many other endangered species, these Gingers need to be placed on a reservation so that they can reproduce and survive. If elephants were not put on wildlife reserves, they would most likely become completely extinct by now. The same is true for Gingers. In a concentrated area, they would be able to breed with each other and their numbers would remain stable.

The Gingers would be much safer on the reservation. At the moment, they can’t go for a few minutes without worrying about their safety. If they were on a nice, safe reservation in Ireland, they would be perfectly content, assuming they didn’t try to cross the fence. A new study shows that roughly 17% of Gingers would prefer this option. That’s practically all of them! These newly free Gingers would even be allowed to have their own local government.

This would be the first time a carrot-top was ever elected to public office. Gingers would be able to scamper through the meadows freely without the non-Gingers having to endure their offensive presence.

This is a win-win situation for both the Gingers and non-Gingers. With Gingers safely isolated in Ireland, Carrot Tops and humans will both be able to enjoy life to the fullest. (And yes, you Harry Potter freaks, the Weasley family will be included in the relocation. Harry will just have to find new friends.)

Art From Wikipedia Commons

4

Age of the Fat Kids

A

Childhood obesity is plaguing the country.

Changes must be made.

By: Emily T.

large metal ladle dipped into the brown stew.

Chunks of browned vegetable floated around in the tinted broth. The stew fell on top of the blood red tray and a look of delight appeared on the child’s face. While this sounds repulsing to many adults, it is exactly what children today want. Kids want to be healthy.

To help them achieve this goal we can do a variety of things: make the school lunches healthier, reduce their self esteems’, and increase the amount of exercise they get.

School lunches need to become healthier. Children in all schools are outraged by the fat in their lunches. Just the other day Tim, a freshmen at LASA, discovered that his hot lunch had a whole gram of fat. “I was told that school lunches were healthy, but I was lied to. They tried to feed me an entire gram of fat. The nerve…” If schools continue to give such unwholesome food to the youth of our community, the children will just get rounder and rounder. We need to get that gram of fat out of the children’s food. And while we are at it, we should lower the calories too.

The 117 calories in one cup of peas is outrageous.

They should receive a cup of celery with only 19 calories and that would reach their calorie quota for the day. The celery is calling and the children are responding. This is what children want.

To really make an impact on the children of the community, their self esteem needs to be lowered enough to get them to take some action. Children today walk around, heads held high and belly’s sticking out, proud of their fat. We need to smash down that cockiness. As long as that wall of self esteem remains, no progress in the obese community will be made. If we can get them to feel bad enough about their weight to become anorexic then their body mass will quickly decrease and the issue will be resolved. Statistics today show that only 1% of anorexics are overweight. If everyone became anorexic and we were able to keep the obesity rate at 1%, we would be in great shape.

Eating disorders are the way to go.

Another thing that we can do to decrease the

weight of our youths is to increase the amount of exercise required. As of now, in Texas, only three semesters of PE are required to graduate high school. This is not nearly enough. Eight semesters should be the minimum. That way, kids will be forced to exercise throughout their entire high school career. Also, the number of hours required to be eligible for a PE waiver should be upped from 5 hours a week to 30 hours. A highly recommended workout involves running 7 miles, biking 10 miles, and then swimming 3 miles. This workout is most effective if it is carried out everyday. A healthy active life style will surely get kids back on the track to a non obese lifestyle.

Some children claim that they lack the free time to exercise the amount required with all of the schooling hours and homework they are given. To these people I say that health should come first.

We need to put our health before everything else.

Before family, friends, and even education. To help make these sacrifices easier, we should reduce the hours of a schooling day from 8 hours to 4 hours.

This way, students will be given an additional 4 hours each day to exercise. These extra 4 hours of free time will make our community healthy again.

If we really want to make a difference amongst the youngsters in the community, we will have to enact, most, if not all, of these changes. Without doing so, the US will be doomed to live a fat lifestyle forever.

Art By: Aiyana T

5

The Gut Wagon By:Emily T. “You meant a lot to Doc because you talked to him,” a recently widowed women told Eric Finkelstein just have her husband’s death. Doc, her husband, had been transported by Finkelstein 3 times that month. Each time, Doc became progressively more degraded before dying in Finkelstein’s care.

Whenever a patient enters Finkelstein’s ambulance he hopes, “that [he] can share a little bit of [his] soul with them”.

Finkelstein is a paramedic at Austin Travis County EMS. He has worked in the line of emergency medicine for 10 years and has loved every minute of it. Before finally reaching his dream job, Finkelstein went through a period of soul searching. He took some community college classes and even went to a culinary academy to become a chef, but he felt as though he had no real direction. So, he took up arms and joined the army. There, he discovered his

love for medicine. Ever since then, he has been working as an EMT for different organizations across the country.

While most people think of EMS as an exciting job filled with action and gore, Finkelstein puts it in a new perspective. “I see people on the worst day of their lives,” he said. Whether it is someone’s own baby dying, an old lady unable to get out of bed, or a family in a car crash, paramedics, like Finkelstein, are able to save these people’s lives. The most rewarding thing to him is when he is able to “really and truly reach someone.” When he can make a connection with someone, he is able to not only save their life, but save them emotionally as well.

However, sometimes it isn’t only the patient who needs saving. When people are constantly dying in your care, it begins to take a toll. Finkelstein says that he is able to cope with this pretty well. He relies on his belief in Judaism to get through the most traumatic situations. He goes by the philosophy that God doesn’t cause bad events, but gives us the strength to pull through them.

This philosophy seems to work well most of the time. He is able to block out the images of dead children and decapitated men, however, he informed me that, “what haunts [him] is their screams,” the screams of the parent’s over their dead child.

But the entire job is not blood and gore. A lot of the time, the calls are for the most comical of reasons. “I get called for the most dumb reasons in the world,” he says with a chuckle.

(See page 30 for rest of story)

6

Behind The Glasses Mr. Spurgeon, A man who is well known and loved here at LASA reveals his thoughts about teaching and life

P

Posters of math problems line the classroom, sharing the wall with motivational posters from generations ago. At the front of the room, Tom Spurgeon stands as a beacon of light in the dark world of math.

He speaks words of wisdom about logarithms and life, saving his students from the immense void that is algebra.

Mr. Spurgeon, who grew up in Indiana, moved to Austin because it reminded him of his hometown.

Now he teaches math at LASA, and is loved by all his students. Though his main passion is math, he is a complex man. He enjoys raising cattle and regaling students with wild stories from his past.

Mr. Spurgeon came from humble beginnings in the hill country. Where he grew up, running water was a novelty, and electricity was almost unheard of.

SPURGE

7

“People didn’t know they were poor,” Spurgeon says.

The educational opportunities were just as bad. The schools were so small that some grades were collapsed into one. There was no biology lab, no chemistry lab, just a bare bones school. Spurgeon regrets that he could not have better opportunities for schooling, but he is proud to be where he is.

“Because I had lowly beginnings, I can look back and say I made something of myself” he says.

Spurgeon has always had a passion for math and has been interested in it since high school. His teaching is a mixture of math instruction and wisdom about life in general. He tells stories to his students about his past jobs or experiences. His philosophy is twofold: “Take people where they are and do as much as you can for them” and

SPURGE

as his students learn from him and his stories, they teach and inspire him. “Young people inspire me,” he says “because they try hard, they work hard, they have goals.”

But his class is far from serious and strict; he tells math jokes and has a whole head full of one-liners to crack the class up (see “Spurgeonisms”). He uses humor to lighten the attitude of the class and to help explain lessons. “I think that humor adds to anything anybody does, anyplace,” Spurgeon explains. “ One time he was trying to teach us a small math trick where if you see some indicator then you could assume something and he said ‘If you buy a Mercedes, it’s probably German’” Matt G., a student of Spurgeon’s says Even the room itself is humorous. A whole section of the wall is devoted to strange spurgeon portraits that students have drawn. A few classics are Zombie Spurgeon, Gangsta Spurgeon, and the Spurgeonator (drawn by our very own Sander T.).

He feels that the drawings give students a way to relate to him in a nonverbal way. Spurgeon has high hopes for the kids drawing the pictures: “I figure that one of them will be an artist and the drawing will be an original that I can retire on,” he says. Whether or not students can relate to a zombie math teacher, the sketches are truly a part of the Spurgeon experience.

All in all, Spurgeon makes math a fun class, instead of the boring headache that it could be. There is always something in that class to look forward to, whether it be a student finding fifty dollars in a teddy bear that he received in a raffle for coming to tutoring, or just one of Surgeon’s stories about grandma Spurgeon. Everyone has fun in Spurgeon’s class, while learning at the same time.

“I’ve laughed till I cried but I can’t remember what those times were,” Spurgeon said.

“Because I had lowly beginnings, I can look back and say I made something of myself” “Hard work creates a lot of success, and you don’t realize that until you have to work hard,” He links his lessons in math to lessons in life. “In math, you hit the wall, but it’s a great opportunity for a life lesson,” he says. “Life may go great for ten years, twenty years, thirty years, forty years, but eventually you will hit a big obstacle.”

Spurgeon uses not only lessons and anecdotes from his experiences as a math teacher, but also from his earlier life. As he came from a poor area in Indiana, he knows that anything can be achieved with hard work and determination. “I think the biggest weakness people can have is not realizing their own potential,” he says. And just

Spurgeonisms:

Words of wisdom from the man himself. Say these to sound smart in any situation.

By Tim L. Art by Tim L

It’s a Primate!

Ite a primate!

(Referring to the additive property of equality, or APE).

If you’re really hungry, you eat with both hands.

You know it’s a logarithm when it starts with L-O-G.

I over Io is Relative Acoustic Power. Thats where the rap music comes from.

8

The many Faces of Spurgeon On Mr. Spurgeon’s wall are many drawings and sketches that students have drawn of him over the years. The tradition died out a few years ago but has resurfaced as of this year. We have Zombie Spurgeon, Gangsta Spurgeon, and the Spurgeonator, and several generic Spurgeons. Also seen are several birthday cards that classes have made and signed for him.

These pieces represent the creative side of Mr. Spurgeons math class.

They give students a non verbal way to communicate with Spurgeon on a level that they could not reach normally.

You have to Moss Crultiply.

(Cross multiply)

Nothing is as it appears, everything is distorted.

If your teacher asks you for a joint, you might get the wrong impression.

this is an army (general) point, not a navy (admiral) point.

If Ray Charles had a TV show, it would be called the Rayshow (ratio).

We call this....

Togetherness.

9

along with it,” he says. “I wanted something more neutral, like James.”

James’s parents were fine with the switch, although it took his friends and family quite a while to adjust.

“My parents started calling me James about a year after I changed it,” James says. The change of his name is just one example of James’s rebellious and against-the-mainstream attitude.

“I find it hard to respect adult role models,” James says. “I prefer to be my own person.” However, James “doesn’t say it to their face,” so he rarely gets in trouble for it.

This sense of individuality has caused some problems fitting in for James in the past. He used to attend a small private school in Austin, St. Francis.

“If people didn’t like you [at Saint Francis], you were kind of screwed,” James says.

Luckily, James left that tight-knit community for LASA High School.

He has found more friends here with similar interests, such as the “Magic: The Gathering” card game.

James is quite good at this card game, which involves collecting cards with various magical powers and then “dueling” against other players. Recently, James got to the finals of the “Legacy Open” Magic: The Gathering tournament in Dallas, only to be booted out of first place due to a slight rules infraction. At the tournament, if player got “three strikes” after forgetting a minor rule each time, they were forced to withdraw from the tournament. James made his third mistake during the finals. He was still able to bring home $850 in winnings. “[Magic was] something to do and be good at. I wasn’t really good at sports or anything like that, so I play card games,” James says.

However, James is simply being By: Sander T. He races down the crowded hallway, pushing teachers and students alike out of the way. humble about his athletic talent. He’s There is no stopping him. A flash of hair and “Magic: The Gathering” brand shoes are on the cross country team at LASA, all people see as they are forced out of the way. Dirty looks don’t stop this runner from and recently got 11th place out of around 50 runners at a JV meet. But sprinting class to class, every day.

James P.’s name, mannerisms, and outfits lead to a lot of questions. Graduating in the class this isn’t why his running talent is faof 2013 at the Liberal Arts and Science Academy High School, James could be considered mous. James also has a habit of running around indoors at his school, one of the most interesting and least understood students at his school. whether it be during passing periods, “Emmett? Emmett?” The teacher calls role. during lunch, or after school.

“It’s James,” he mumbles.

Since age 5, Emmett James P. has been going by his middle name. Back then, he thought James says that he runs around the school “sometimes to get somewhere, Emmett was too nerdy.

“It seemed like Emmett was kind of a constrictive name, and had a lot of expectations sometimes to find something to do.”

Run, James, Run!

10

T Shirts Explained

says LASA student Tim L. “They’re weird.”

The “Util” shirt, which is the most interesting shirt in his collection according to a recent poll, was originally from a Duke TIP summer camp, where James took a class on game theory. In this class, a “util” was a unit of happiness used to quantify the amount of pleasure from each possible outcome of a situation. Origin: The 90’s show “It’s a tradition there to make shirts called “Dougie” that no one who wasn’t in the class would understand,” James says. “I always found this annoying because it leads to a lot of questions about my shirt, but I don’t want to Origin: A store in Austin, T buy any new ones.”

James is very selective about picking out that sells Magic: The Gatha new t-shirt which needs to be black and look cool. Some of his classmates bug James ering card game about his small collection of t-shirts. However, he seems not to mind much.

“I don’t have more t-shirts because I don’t need more t-shirts,” he says. With that, he Origin: You should know was off, sprinting out of the classroom and down the hallway in a flash.

1. The Beets: World Tour

“I find it hard to respect adult role models. I prefer to be my own person.”

However, he keeps himself very busy. James has founded both a club and a business at LASA. He started a “Go” (a board game) Club at LASA, with five members, hosted by LASA Japanese teacher David Shimizu.

Soon after this, James began a loan business to try to earn a bit of money.

However, the loan business has not worked out. “I don’t feel comfortable borrowing large sums of money from a fifteen-year-old,” says student Matt G. “I’m finding more and more that it’s not really what I want to do,” James says.

Besides his business and group, James has become known around LASA for his illustrations of a dragon, with the caption, “Because of Dragons!”

James usually draws these on teachers’ chalkboards or on sticky notes.

The “Because of Dragons!” drawing “embodies my philosophy of not caring,” says James. He has quite a nonchalant philosophy on life.

“I don’t really have one [a philosophy], but in a way, that is a philosophy,” he says. “I just live my life and don’t really care about moral issues.”

What James hates are uninformed opinions. Many kids at LASA wonder about his strange and obscure collection of t-shirts, and are often critical of them. “James has… um…. the ‘Zocalo Café’ shirt, ‘The Beets’ shirt, the ‘Pat’s Games’ shirt, ‘The Beatles’ shirt, and the ‘Util’ shirt,”

2. Pat’s Games

3. The Beatles

4. Zocalo Cafe

Origin: Mexican coffehous and restaurant

5. The Util Shirt

Origin: Duke TIP game the ory camp

11

Left to Right: The Wire Man, The Day Before Yesterday.

Bottom Left: The Green Elephant

The Quarter Man

They call me

Chase.

By: Clara W. From the outside it looks like an ordinary peach-colored house but once you step into the red carpet and see the chaotic room with paintings on the walls, figurines on tables, knights without swords, and rolls of canvas, you see what Chase Quarterman calls his studio.

Quarterman is a snazzy young painter currently living in Austin who enjoys painting things like green elephants, blues singers, and colorful living rooms.

Quarterman grew up in Jackson Mississippi. “People have this stereotype of Mississippi being this really backwards place, but I think the art market in Mississippi is better than in Austin. Mississippi gets a bad rap,” he chuckles. “I guess you have to grow up there to think it’s a cool place” With an artist for a mom and an artsy lawyer for a dad, Quarterman grew up in an environment that encouraged creativity. “My mom is a dumpster diver, like a thrift store junkie, so I grew up

with all this weird stuff and obviously I have a lot of weird stuff,” Quarterman says, looking around his studio at his antique ventriloquist doll and photograph of elderly women from the 30s. “I think my paintings are cluttered ‘cuz I grew up in clutter.”

When Quarterman was growing up he enjoyed acting and was in multiple school performances. “I did more plays than I did art,” he says. Along with acting he liked to draw his own comics that would sometimes appear in the school newspaper. But Quarterman didn’t actually start painting until he was 21 and in college.

Before that he took a lot of art classes but wasn’t so inspired to paint. “I feel like drawing is like my first love ‘cuz it’s what I have always liked to do but painting is just like going beyond that. It’s like a step further,” he says, “One helps the other one; they both add to each other.”

12 Quarterman likes paint because “you can mix it with a pallet knife and get messy with it.”

In college he did a lot of traveling and mission trips to places like Taiwan and China. As many of his schoolmates may have been content with the night life, Quarterman only found solace in the museums. “I love going to museums,” he says, “My wife will go shopping while I go to museums, so it’s fun. I’m like an old man” After spending a semester in London, Quarterman views on art were altered.

“That experience, you know seeing all of the museums and seeing all of the art in Europe, because I had never been over seas before, really changed my perspective on art and art making. After that I really got into it and started with acrylics and then painted with oils.”

When he’s running short on inspiration, Quarterman pulls different books off of his monster art book shelf and lays them

like ‘I’v gotta paint, I have to finish,’ you know, I have to set some sort of deadline for myself because its easy to get distracted. Especially when you don’t know what your gunna paint and you’re frustrated and beating your head against the wall.”

Sometimes a break is “healthy” for him and when he comes back to it he “can’t wait to paint again.”

The best thing, however, for Quarterman about being a painter is the freedom.

“I really didn’t paint these paintings to sell,” He says about the paintings on his wall, “I painted them just because I wanted to paint them so that gave me freedom to do whatever I want to with it and not think about, ‘well you know if I do this people will be more likely to purchase it or to collect it.’ I was thinking of just what I wanted and that freedom is good. I tend to do better work when I have that sort of freedom” But often times, Quarterman is asked to paint something specific for commission.

role of canvas, stapled it to the wall, I’d never done that before, and just painted.”

Quarterman sees this painting as “kind of a changing point for the subject matter” that he likes to paint with.

“I like people reading stuff into it and thinking about symbols that I put on the canvas just because I like narrative paintings,” Quarterman says. “I want them to think about it and to tell a story from it or create in their mind what’s happening.”

The first thing he does when creating a painting is draw his ideas down on a sketchbook in order to “get a general idea of composition.”

“I use pencils and make really rough thumbnail sketches and then I go immediately to the canvas,” he says. “I don’t really do tight drawings, unless I’m really not sure where I’m going with it.” After the sketchbook he moves to the canvas and draws his sketch, in a more refined version, with either pencil or charcoal.

“After that there’s no real rhyme or reason to it; I just mix the paint and wait for it to dry,” he laughs. In order to get a sense of the way people move, he likes to take pictures of himself or his wife or family members.

“I take a lot of photographs and paint from the photographs which a lot of people hate but it works better for me. I can’t just think stuff and draw it; it’s not accurate. The arms are too weird looking or long or short. I have to see something to paint it.”

At times Quarterman has more that one painting in progress.

“Sometimes I have a painting going on over there and a painting going on over here and I just kinda jump back and forth,” He says. “It’s probably not the most efficient way to work, but sometimes I have to do that ‘cuz I get bored with a painting or it’s not working right and I get frustrated and I want to work on something different,” he says. “I’m like schizophrenic; I’m all over the place.”

ody “I had someb nted me to paint who wa k driving c e n d that.” e o r d n t ’ e n li id d an a .I .. k a pickup truc out on his table and “just kinda gets inspired by different techniques and different ways that people have painted a figure or painted still life or landscapes.”

He says that seeing the “way other people have done things or mixed paints or used different colors” help him to make something unique of his own.

Quarterman has no specific style title but would call himself a “narrative painter.”

“I like telling stories within paintings like, putting objects to cue the viewer into a certain direction, like some thing’s happening,” he says. “I want them to think about it and to tell a story from it or create in their mind what’s happening.”

Painting people actually used to be a scary contemplation to him but when he visited museums and saw more and more mannerists and figurative paintings, they inspired him with kinetic movement. “Like in The Showers, just kind of this kinetic energy, like having the people in weird positions or doing crazy stuff.” Quarterman says he likes to depict a sense of a “kinetic possibility.”

The hardest part about being an artist, Quarterman says, is being self motivated because “you have to come in here and be

One time he was asked to paint Teddy Roosevelt by an old school friend’s girlfriend. The painting was a surprise for the boyfriend because he was obsessed with Roosevelt. “I had somebody, I never did this, but I had somebody who wanted me to paint an alien redneck driving a pickup truck,” he says. “I didn’t do that.”

Another time he was asked by a casino to paint old women. “They wanted me to paint 9 old women dressed in like 1930s apparel cooking southern foods for this restaurant dressed in 1930’s apparel.” For inspiration he found a picture of women from the 30’s at a garage sale so that he could “see the way they dressed and the way they did their hair.”

Quartermans favorite painting is “The Showers” which depicts five old men running through a shower with only sock tans and towels. “I though I would never paint it,” he laughs. “I drew it one morning in a sketch book and I wrote next to it ‘a painting I will never paint, 3 old men running through the shower.” This painting was the first of a series of paintings with symbolism. “’Cuz I had never done any kind of symbolism before and I wanted to try symbolism. I bought a big

You can find Chase Quarterman’s work at quartermanstudio.com or chasequarterman.com.

Art By: Chase Quarterman

13 the party, unaware that Wallace was planning on getting Natty Ice. A short dispute between the two bros ensued, but resulted in them realizing that it meant a “brolossal” amount of Natty for all, so they gave each windmill hifives and yelled “nattaboy” repeatedly.

“Henry and I got in a little bit of a tussle about whether Natty Ice or Natty Lite was better, but be decided to cool it for the sake of the brocasion,” says Wallace.

Jensen decided to make it up to Wallace by finding some “chicks” for the party. “We’re up for any babe, basically. For this party, we’re even accepting merry-bro-rounds, even after the incident with Roger last fall. So bring anyone you know, as long as she’s a Babe-raham Lincoln.”

“This frat party is blessed,” Williams said just a few hours before the party, while playing a classic “Ninten-bro” 64. “Alpha Epsilon Pi is coming and they’re bringing the god of frat parties: Ronny Parker. Also bro-wn as The Natty Ice Knight.”

It seems that this party is going to be quite interesting. We’ll keep you posted.

Frat Party is Going to be “Brahsome,” Sources Say

H

By: Sander T.

enry Jensen, a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha at University of Texas at San Marcos, is having a party Saturday night, and is “pumped.” This party was the result of feeling the need to “broagulate” with his “brosefs.”

Fellow bro Jeff Wallace is planning on buying some Natty Ice and a few pounds of “macabroni. This party is going to be pandibronium!” says Wallace.

The party, which is going to start at 10:00 pm on Saturday, is being called “pretty intense” by many on campus. Some rival frat houses are even planning “espibronage” to infiltrate this “sweet” party. However, Jensen and Wallace are not worried about possibly hostile intentions of the other fraternities. “Worst case we’ll have to do a little dibromacy. But that’s no biggy.”

Even with the excitement of the partly looming, student life continues. Jensen and Wallace attended “algebrah” on Friday afternoon, which got them pretty “pumped” for the party. “I’m gonna work all my abrocadabro do make this party sweet,” says Jensen. “This is gonna be the biggest bro fest since that one a few weeks ago.”

Fellow bro Roger Williams has been delegated the job picking music for the party, who soon after went out and searched for some “harbronious” tunes. He finally settled on Dave Matthews and Phish, staples for any Bro party.

On Saturday morning, Jensen went out and bought a few kegs of Natty Lite for

Photos from demotivationalblog.com and maxjerome.net

S C H O O L

The Blackout Poem By: Emily T.

15

The Best Darn Sum VANILLA ICE CREAM One of the best flavors out there. This plain yet exciting flavor really balances out this treat as a whole. For example if you were to have to scoops of exotic flavors, your taste buds would go into crazy overdrive and your tongue would explode. We’re talking tongue juices...everywhere.

NUTS Peanuts, almonds, cashews, pecans, pine nuts, brazil nuts, macadamia nuts, walnuts, chestnuts, soynuts, seasoned nuts, raw nuts, salted nuts, rosted nuts! We’re crazy for nuts! WE LOVE NUTS!

FUDGE SAUCE Three words: hot chocolatey yummytastygoodness.

Where would the world of ice cream sundaes be withou this brown treat?!? Lost! Our lives would simply mean didly squat without this hot chocolatey fantasticness.

THE BANANA The base of the Sundae; the most important piece of fruit you will ever put into a bowl with ice cream on top. The very thing that defines the “Best Darn Summer Treat Ever” is this deliciously yellow fruit right here.

EXOTIC ICE CREAM Although it comes in many different colors and flavors, it is the one item on the menue that brings this treat together. With out a little exotic scoop you would be lost forever in the land of sundaes!

DID YOU KNOW? Mint Chocolate Chip is the number one ice cream with a whopping 80% of fans.

Tim has a deep hatred towards pine nuts and ice cream together.

Whipped cream is largly prefered over Cool Whip even though Cool Whip has cool in the name.

16

mmer Treat Ever A journey through the wonderland that is “Sundae” By: Clara W. SPOON Optional.

THE CHERRY Non-negotiable. This red treat at the top of the whipped cream is a pack of sugary sweetness that eveyone should enjoy.

WHIPPED CREAM If you are sitting there thinking “Ew, whipped cream is icky,” then you are crazy like pigs eating pickles on a cold winter morning.Who doesnt like this tastey white whipped treat on top of their ice cream???

Weirdos and hobos.

TOPPINGS From anything to sprinkles and caramel sauce to snozberries and chocolate covered ants, the toppings that you add to your sundea are what truly make it your own. And dont let people fool you, they may say that they think is really nasty and that they kind of want to throw up at your pizza covered ice cream, but they are just fooling you. They are jealous.

CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM Similar to the vanilla variety of ice cream but TOTALLY BETTER! Without this flavor of ice cream in this cold mess of awesome, it would simply seem incomplete (and vanilla would be lonely).

Photo by: Clara W. 1/3 of people would share their ice cream with a dinosaur only if he had big teeth.

50% of people prefer caramel sauce to fudge sauce.

Amys Ice Cream made a Texas BBQ flavor and people tried it.

17

LBJ lax won a game A tale of how a team of underdogs rose up to win their first games in years.

By Sander T. and Tim L.

F For decades upon decades, the LBJ lacrosse team has been unable to win a game. Four consecutive coaches have sunken deep into depression due to the team’s lack of ability, talent, and effort. Even before the school was built, it was known that the lacrosse team would be worse than anyone thought possible.

“We just kind of suck,” said freshman midfielder Paul H. “But we try hard and that’s what counts.”

However, at the beginning of the lacrosse season, resident Austin Shaman “Runs with Jaguardeer” foretold that the spirit of the winds would rise up from the underworld and grant the LBJ Lax team with mediocre talent and physical ability. This grant from the gods would allow the team to finally win a game.

The lords of the underworld became hell-bent on preventing the lacrosse team from winning a game. They granted the team with a slew of freshman who had never played before and lacked motivation. An envoy from the underworld in the form of an owl came down to some bewildered freshman to convince them to join the team. “You are ball players. You must go to Noack Field. Down, down through the ghetto. Down, through the fast food chains.

Down, to Noack Field.” And so, the lords of the underworld were able to draw bad players to the lacrosse team to keep them in their 50 year “slump.”

When new player Brian P was alerted that the reason he was on the team was to bring them down, he said, “Are you kidding? I’m the best on the freakin’ team.”

“What a retard,” said Seven Death, leader of the underworld.

Finally, the LBJ Lacrosse players realized that there was supernatural activity keeping them from achieving what was prophesized of them. So, they traveled to the underworld.

There, they did battle with One Death and Seven Death, and after several tests, they were able to bash out the brains of the lords of the underworld with their sticks.

They returned to earth and did battle with the Dripping Springs Lacrosse team, who they defeated closely, 7-6.

They had won a game! The prophecy had told the truth!

For the next millennium, the LBJ Lacrosse team could hold their heads high for their amazing record of 1-11 for the 2010 season.

Art by Lily Craymer; Model: Paul Holmes

Adventures in time A photo essay about philosophy and the hardships of being an artist in the modern world By: Tim L. and Sander T.

Is this Sparta?

MerMAN, father!

MerMAAAAN!

The final chapter in the Harry Potter versus Twighlight battle

Car Chase City

Barney

26

Local student says: “This day’s just kinda boring” By: Tim L. Matt G., a student at LASA, said that his day has been “Kinda boring.” Matt, who was in his E-zine class working on new stories for his magazine says that “Not much has happened so far.”

The boredom started when he woke up, at 6:15, just like every other day. Matt got dressed, and ate his normal breakfast of cereal and milk. “I wish I could have had something at least a little more interesting, like an English muffin, or maybe a scrambled egg.” He said.

Then he got in the car, just like he always does, and went to school. “The drive over was average I guess… We did hit a pothole at about fifteen miles per hour, but that was less exciting than it sounds, besides, my mom always hits that pothole.” Commented Matt dryly.

However, Matt did get a little treat when he saw a dead squirrel in the road. The squirrel was on the lane to the left of Matt, and may have been hit by a car earlier that day. Matt commented: “I dunno, the squirrel was kind of cool. I thought it was a rat or something, which would have been a little more exciting.”

“I mean, you see squirrels all the time here in Austin. Rats, not so much,” He added.

As Matt was walking from the car to school, he saw his friend, Ben G., who was also walking to the school. “I called out to him, but he didn’t hear me. I thought he was listening to music or something, but I didn’t see any earbuds, so I assumed he just didn’t hear me. I called him louder, I think I said ‘hey’, but it might have been ‘hey Ben’. Anyways, he heard me that time and he walked over to me.” Matt explained Ben and Matt chatted for a while, but they didn’t mention anything new. “We

mostly talked about the Algebra II test,” Matt said.

Ben later commented that “It was really an average conversation, except for when I misspoke and said that the test was ‘lard’ instead of ‘hard’. That was kind of funny” “I remember that,” Matt said “That was a little funny, but I didn’t laugh.”

But the boredom took a sharp rise when he got into the school and sat down to wait for his teacher to unlock the door to the classroom. “I probably sat there for fifteen or twenty minutes” He said “I dunno, I sat down with Arlen across from a few other kids, but nothing really cool happened” “Yeah, I was reading when Matt sat down,” Arlen said “So I didn’t really say hello or anything” After waiting awkwardly with Arlen, Mrs. Young opened the classroom and let Matt in. Other students filtered in slowly, but no ninjas, superheroes, or killer robotic hippies attacked any of them, leaving a very boring silence for the first few minutes of class. “I really wish that some kind of science fiction or fantasy creature had come in with the rest of the class. Is a giant four headed zombie-wizard really too much to ask for?” Matt asked.

As the class trudged along, it became clear that Matt would have to do something to alleviate his boredom. “I guess I’ll have to take my shirt off and run around naked to liven the day up.” Matt said “That or listen to music.”

Art By: Tim L.

27

Seven Fun Things to do in Austin By: Emily T

Mount Bonnell: Enjoy fabulous views of Lake Austin from the 785 foot limestone hill while eating a scrumptious picnic.

Whole Foods: Healthy, natural, organic galore. At this large Whole Foods located int he heart of down town, all of this can be found.

It is not only a great place to get your organic groceries, but it is also a nice place to sit down for an all natural lunch.

Barton Springs: When it’s hot outside, go for a dip in the always chilly Barton Springs. The water, all natural and free of chlorine, is a welcome refresher from the heat of Austin summers.

Lady Bird Lake: Kayaking, canoeing, sculling and more. You can do it all of the calm waters of Lady Bird Lake.

28 Bob Bullock State History Museum: In the mood for an IMAX movie or interactive museum exhibits? You can do both at the Bob Bullock State History Museum.

Texas State Capitol: Go on a tour of the Texas State Capitol and learn the history of this beloved city.

Bats Congress Avenue Bridge: One of the most interesting and unique things about the city of Austin are the bat colonies living under the congress Avenue bridge.

Every night 1.5 million bats take off into flight and you can watch this phenomenon Statesman Bat Observation Center across from the bridge.

Art By: Emily T

Happy Hunting Art by: Clara W.

Pile It On

grade level per school night, only Monday through Thursday. But how much could a professor really know? I mean really, it’s not like he is an expert.

Without homework we kids will stray onto paths that should not be followed. More homework will keep us going, keep us on the right track, and make us better people. So we demand more!

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 2 night.”

Some people think that homework isn’t helpful to students and that there shouldn’t be much given. “Too much homework may diminish its effectiveness or even become counterproductive,” Harris Cooper writes in his latest research review. According to Cooper, a professor of psychology says kids should be assigned no more than ten minutes per

The Gut Wagon

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 5 “I get called because ‘I can’t sleep.’ ‘Really? Well it’s 3 in the morning and I can’t sleep either because you’re calling me.’ I get called because ‘I’m constipated.’ ‘Well how long?

Is it a medical problem?’. ‘No, about two hours’. ‘Drink some prune juice!’,’” These kinds of calls occur simply because people do not understand the proper use of EMS. He says that many people, especially illegal immigrants and the lower SES population don’t understand healthcare and

how to go see a doctor. Other people just outright abuse these good Samaritans. Homeless people who want a ride downtown will call because they know that Brackenridge is downtown and they don’t have money to buy a cab. Instead, they fake an illness, get a ride to the hospital, and never pay the ambulance bill. Then, there are the druggies who call and fake pain because they know that all ambulances carry valium, morphine, and other drugs.

However when they are truly required, ambulances have many different types of medications explained Finkelstein.

These medications include ones to stop, start, or slow a heart, change blood pressure levels and end seizures. There are even medicines to paralyze people. Fairly recently, paramedics have been given the authority to administer these drugs as needed without the consent of a physician. Finkelstein believes that this re-

sponsibility given to paramedics helps save lives. During a heart attack, “time is muscle,” he says. The more time you waste calling for permission to give out drugs, the more muscle is lost and the more likely they are to die. However, Finkelstein expresses some worry about this newfound responsibility. He is worried about the levels of education required for someone to have so much control.

Emergency medicine is at a cross road. EMS agencies wish for more education to be required while fire departments wholeheartedly push against this. When a person works at a fire station, working on the ambulance is the job for the newbie’s and the guys in trouble. “You work on the bone box or the gut wagon.

Then, when you are good, you go back to an engine,” said Finkelstein. With this system, no one wants to be the person in the ambulance therefore no one wants to get masters in

that area of expertise.

Finkelstein, however, wants to be in the ambulance. He has a passion for his job. A passion that is very difficult to find.

When asked if he has ever thought about quitting, his reply was a quick and defiant, “No”. And with that, Finkelstein is off. Off to save another life.