Growing Up...

GrowingUp... 成長進行曲...

by Hiew Kai Lee

Published by Dasein Academy Of Art Publications Sdn Bhd in 2020 12-G, Jalan Wangsa Delima 10, Desa Wangsa, Seksyen 5, Wangsa Maju, 53300 Kuala Lumpur 03-4142 2990 www.kyliesbook.com ISBN 978-2-12-345680-3 Copyrightc Kylie Hiew, 2020 The moral right of the author has been asserted

All right reserved, No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other then that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

我出生於一個音樂愛好家庭。 從小，父母總是開他們喜歡的歌曲給我和我姐姐聼，我 們并不是聽著ABC兒歌成長，而是聽著當代的流行歌曲長大。 我 會嘗試記錄下每個帶著回憶的歌曲，最後篩選一些真的帶有 意義的放進書裏。同時，我也希望通過我的故事/經歷去 告訴大家，其實每個困難都是可以解決，每個傷心 都是有個頭的，每個坑都可以跨過去的。

GrowingUp... 成長進行曲...

by Hiew Kai Lee

歌曲目錄 Playlist Can’t get you out of my head - Kylie Minogue 11 Lonely - Grasshoper

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至少還有你 - 林憶蓮

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You belong with me - Taylor Swift

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混沌 - 流月

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我的心好亂 - 趙傳

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Hotel Celling - Rixton

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Jealous - Nick Jonas

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Welcome to New York - Taylor Swift

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Older - Sasha Sloan

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我出生於一個音樂愛好家庭 。從小，父 母總是開他們喜歡的歌曲給我和我姐姐 聼，我們并不是聽著ABC兒歌成長，而是 聽著當代的流行歌曲長大。我會嘗試記 錄下每個帶著回憶的歌曲，最後篩選一 些真的帶有意義的放進書裏。同時，我也 希望通過我的故事/經歷去告訴大家， 其實每個困難都是可以解決，每個傷心 都是有個頭的，每個坑都可以跨過去的。

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Kylie Minogue

Can’t get you out of my head

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Can’t get you out of my head Kylie Minogue.mp3

從小我的媽媽總是打開MTV電視頻 道聽歌，而凱莉 · 米洛的這首歌剛好 是當時的流行歌曲。第一次聽到這 首歌的時候， 我媽媽就煞有其事地 和我説這個歌手和我同名。慢慢地 我就發現， 我有一件和她MV裏相似 的白色外套。所以音樂響起， 我就會 開始跟著MV的舞蹈， “舞動” 。特別 是當歌曲到 La la la, La la la-lala~的部分， 我就會更加賣力地跟著 跳。這是一段有趣的回憶， 我媽媽也 在當時拍下了不少我跳舞的照片。

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My mom always opens the MTV channel to listen to some songs, and this is the one on trading. I have a similar jacket with Kylie Minogue in this MV, so when the music on, I will start following the dance move in the MV. Especially when the song until the part of“La la la, La la la-lala~” . This is quite funny and my mom took a bunch of photos while I was dancing.

La la la La la la-la-la La la la La la la-la-la La la la La la la-la-la La la la La la la-la-la I just can’t get you out of my head Boy, your loving is all I think about I just can’t get you out of my head Boy, it’s more than I dare to think about La la la La la la-la-la La la la La la la-la-la I just can’t get you out of my head Boy, your loving is all I think about I just can’t get you out of my head Boy, it’s more

than I dare to think about Every night, every day Just to be there in your arms Won’t you stay?

Won’t you lay?

Stay forever and ever And ever and ever La la la La la la-la-la La la la La la la-la-la La la la La la la-la-la La la la La la la-la-la I just can’t get you out of my head Boy, your loving is all I think about I just can’t get you out of my head Boy, it’s…

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Lonely Grasshoper

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Lonely Grasshoper.mp3

我家人和我媽媽娘家的感 情很好，所以我們有假期就 會回去媽媽娘家過。 我記得 漫長路途中，我父母會在車 上放草蜢的卡帶，而我和姐 姐就在後座躺在媽媽鋪好 的軟毯子上吃吃睡睡。 雖然 整個卡帶裏有不少歌，但是 我只是記得這首歌。 因爲到 副歌時，他們唱的 lonely~~ 聽起來就像在唱糯米。 每次 這一部分響起，我就會開始 朦朦朧朧地想著糯米飯，肚 子就開始咕嚕咕嚕地響。

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I still remember when I was a kid, every time my family go back to hometown, my parent will play Grasshopper cassette tape in the car. But through the whole cassette album, I only remember this song. Because when the song chorus part comes in, the “lonely~~”sound like“糯米 ~~”which means glutinous rice. When this part comes in, I will start feeling hungry.

Lonely 地球是否獨剩餘 lonely 冷靜冷冰冷 漠裡 再沒法追尋當天 的女子

日里感lonely 夜瀾夜深夜靜時 lonely 每日每刻盼 望你 有沒有可能即刻 解我癡

沒歇止lonely 寂寥寂止寂寞時 lonely 半夢半痴叫 喚你 今生里沒你沒 意義

獨個感lonely 萬人共歡亦獨嘗 lonely 醉著醉醒叫 喚你 今生里沒你沒 意義

如被困在千道牆 胡亂碰撞一千次 一億次 但每是失意

Ha-ah-ah lonely 地球是否獨剩餘 lonely 冷靜冷冰冷 漠裡 再沒法追尋當天 的女子

無論你遇早或遲 期望接受這段情 多一次 若有可能請給 我知 日里感lonely 夜瀾夜深夜靜時 lonely 每日每刻盼 望你 有沒有可能即刻 解我癡 獨個感lonely 萬人共歡亦獨嘗 lonely 醉著醉醒叫 喚你 今生里沒你沒 意義 重拾碎裂的夢兒 期望渴望多一次 多一次 願獻盡心意 無論你遇早或遲 期望接受這罪人 的心意 若有可能請給 我知

Ha-ah-ah lonely 寂寥寂止寂寞時 lonely 半夢半痴叫 喚你 今生里沒你沒 意義 Ha-ah-ah lonely 夜瀾夜深夜靜時 lonely 每日每刻盼 望你 有沒有可能即刻 解我癡 Ha-ah-ah lonely 萬人共歡亦獨嘗 lonely 醉著醉醒叫 喚你 今生里沒你沒 意義

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至少還有你 林憶蓮

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至少還有你 林憶蓮.mp3

這是我媽媽的愛曲，我也是通 過這首歌慢慢明白我媽媽唱歌 有多好聽，寫的字有多好看。 她很喜歡一邊唱著這首歌，一 邊把歌詞抄在她的筆記本裏。 我怕來不及，我要抱著你，直 到感覺你的皺紋，有了白雪的 痕跡，這首歌唱的是兩個人相 愛的感覺，不想要分離，互相 信任的愛情。我媽媽曾經也説 過，這大概就是她追求的愛情， 不求愛得轟轟烈烈，只想平平 淡淡，一直信任和不分離的愛。 我媽媽是一個很普通的女人， 從來不要求什麽，婚後就當個 全職媽媽照顧我們。 她和我説過，她這樣的人在愛 情裏面才是最蠢的，不要求，對 方就不會付出，但是她覺得她 可以相信我爸爸。我小時候也 覺得，嗯，這大概就是愛吧，不 富裕也不貧窮，平平淡淡的一 起過一輩子。

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My mom has a really good voice for singing, this is one of her favourites song. So she always plays this song since I was a kid, she will sing it and she will copy the song lyrics on her notebook.

我怕來不及 我 要抱著你 直到感覺你的 皺紋 有了歲月 的痕跡 直到肯定你是 真的 直到失去 力氣 為了你 我願意 動也不能動 也 要看著你 直到感覺你的 發線 有了白雪 的痕跡 直到視線變得 模糊 直到不能 呼吸 讓我們 形影 不離 如果 全世界我 也可以放棄 至少還有你 值 得我去珍惜 而你在這裡 就 是生命的奇蹟 也許 全世界我 也可以忘記 就是不願意 失 去你的消息 你掌心的痣 我 總記得在那裡 我怕來不及 我 要抱著你 直到感覺你的 發線 有了白雪 的痕跡 直到視線變得 模糊 直到不能 呼吸 讓我們 形影

不離 如果 全世界我 也可以放棄 至少還有你 值 得我去珍惜 而你在這裡 就 是生命的奇蹟 也許 全世界我 也可以忘記 就是不願意 失 去你的消息 你掌心的痣 我 總記得在那裡 我們好不容易 我們身不由己 我怕時間太 快 不夠將你看 仔細 我怕時間太 慢 日夜擔心失 去你 恨不得一夜之 間白頭 永不 分離 如果 全世界我 也可以放棄 至少還有你 值 得我去珍惜 而你在這裡 就 是生命的奇蹟 也許 全世界我 也可以忘記 就是不願意 失 去你的消息 你掌心的痣 我 總記得在那裡 在那裡 在哪裡…

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You belong with me Taylor Swift

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You belong with me Taylor Swift.mp3

Taylor Swift是我最喜 歡的歌星，她也是一 個契機把我和姐姐的關係 拉的更加熟悉。 每個人都説，親 姐妹，有血緣的，怎麽可能不熟悉對 方呢？我覺得有血緣關係并不代表是家 人，畢竟家一開始就是兩個沒有血緣關 係的人組成的。 我和姐姐相差4年，我爸爸總是對姐姐 很嚴厲。 考試一定要拿高分，家長會上 一定要聽到好的評語，但凡是有些不 好，我爸爸就會各種打駡我姐姐。 而我 爸爸卻是對我相當寬容寵愛，雖然還是 會打駡，但卻不會那麽嚴重。 所以我姐 姐從小對我就是有種又愛又恨的感覺， 我們關係看似好又看似不好。 我從小成績 就不好，我爸爸一開始會很生氣，但是 慢慢又覺得我爛泥扶不上墻， 所以就更加嚴格的對待 姐姐。

Taylor的歌是姐姐開始聼，我也耳目渲染地愛 上Taylor的歌。 But she wears short skirts，I wear T-shirts，She’ s cheer captain，and I’ m on the bleachers， 到這部分的時候，我們就會開始跟著唱。 我們的關係也慢慢越來越好，我 姐姐很喜歡寫作，所以我們會在晚上聊我們想的故事或小説。有時候還會聊到太 晚，爸爸查房的時候一起裝睡，現在想起也覺得當時其實是非常有趣的一段時間。 我也是 要感謝我姐姐對我的影響，我也慢慢地愛上寫作，語言，甚至是歷史地理，所以我上了中學才 會慢慢發現自己比起別人在寫作上有些優勢。 隨著妹妹的長大，她也被我們影響，喜 歡上Taylor的歌。

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You’ re on the phone with your girlfriend, she’ s upset She’ s goin’off about somethin’that you said ‘Cause she doesn’ t get your humor like I do I’ m in the room, it’ s a typical Tuesday night I’ m listenin’to the kind of music she doesn’ t like And she’ ll never know your story like I do But she wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts She’ s cheer captain and I’ m on the bleachers Dreamin’ bout the day when you wake up and find That what you’ re looking for has been here the whole time If you could see that I’ m the one who understands you Been here all along, so why can’ t you see You belong with me You belong with me Walkin’the streets with you and your worn-out jeans I can’ t help thinkin’this is how it ought to be Laughin’on a park bench, thinkin’to myself “Hey, isn’ t this easy?”

And you’ ve got a smile that could light up this whole town I haven’ t seen it in a while since she brought you down You say you’ re fine, I know you better than that Hey, what you doin’with a girl like that?

She wears high heels, I wear sneakers She’ s cheer captain and I’ m on the bleachers Dreamin’ ‘bout the day when you wake up and find That what you’re looking for has been here the whole time If you could see that I’ m the one who understands you Been here all along, so why can’ t you see You belong with me Standin’by and waitin’at your back door All this time, how could you not know, baby You belong with me You belong with me Oh, I remember you drivin’to my house In the middle of the night I’ m the one who makes you laugh When you know you’ re‘bout to cry And I know your favorite songs And you tell me‘bout your dreams Think I know where you belong Think I know it’ s with me Can’t you see that I’ m the one who understands you?

Been here all along, so why can’ t you see You belong with me Standin’by and waitin’at your back door All this time, how could you not know, baby You belong with me

Taylor Swift is my favourite singer, she also is the one who brings me and my elder sister closer. We will listen to her song together, sing her song together. Both of us are her fans, and slowly my younger sister also gets influenced by us.

Taylor Swift’s songs are songs that grow up with us.

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混沌 流月

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混沌 流月.mp3

我在小學的時候遭受了四 年的校園霸凌，同學們和老師都 覺得我是成績不好的怪胎，怪胎則是因 爲我不喜歡追劇也不喜歡特別去對老師 撒嬌討好，我喜歡看日本動漫，喜歡看小 説，喜歡畫畫。 當然因此我在學校也並 沒有較好的朋友。 但是我在Facebook 上認識了一群志同道合的朋友，他們 大部分都是台灣人。 我們有一個群組， 分享小説，動漫，慢慢的我開始説到我 被校園霸凌的事情。 他們給了我不少 建議，例如去和老師報告，雖然結果變 得更加糟糕，但是我還是很感謝他們。 他們把我加進了他們的RC群裏，這個是 一個大家連麥克風聊天的軟件。 他們會 在裏面唱歌和聊天。 混沌唱的是巾幗不讓 鬚眉的故事，唱的是古代的一個女生女扮男 裝去從軍，敢愛敢恨，非常逍遙瀟灑。 我心自逍遙 怎麽庸，不必説也不求誰能懂，拭，唇上的裂缝，卸下了战 戎，为你歌颂，我真的覺得這樣的女生非常的帥氣也心生 憧憬，我想成爲一個强大的人。 非常遺憾的RC不久后就 暫停服務，我們這個群組也因大家忙碌的人生而各奔 東西，現在群組也不復存在。 現在回首，我還是打從 心裏地感謝當時的他們，也珍惜那段時光，雖然 我們有過爭吵，但是他們的確陪伴了我一段 非常辛苦的日子。

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月 照故里 聽馬蹄 帶半世的記憶 江河 未必會隨我 獨自老去 葉 濺著雨 榕樹下 我披上濕透的蓑衣 向遠方遙望著 哭泣 混沌中 有多少痴癡愛愛在作俑 (有人發夢 我在發瘋） 你陪我再撞一盅 離離合合 時逢亂世此情最濃 （故事不用有始有終 此段只是 命運作弄） 誰明了 我心自逍遙怎麼庸 不必說也不求誰能懂 拭 唇上的裂縫 卸下了戰戎 為你 歌頌 策白馬嘯西風 若我醉 就醉死 在夢中 隨戰鼓雷 指你看那道 彩虹 這伏兵還未動 即如弦上弓 山海嘯箭萬支 火光湧 我生於混沌中 你應當讀懂我的心痛 持著利斧欲劈開愛恨朦朧 待戰火燎原後 生死難與共 方知此情有多重 戰亂時 你在我掌心沾了一點泥 （別在做序 聽我嘆息） 寫成殘垣一道迷 關於分離從來不是誰的傳奇 （那些過客回憶過去 過去 緣分只待回憶） 我彷佛 又聽到你哼著鄉曲 山那方 小鎮滿懷風雨 我會為你飲下去 就算 醉過去 難逃此局 刀劍如譜

I was been bullied during primary school, and I didn’t have any good friend neither friend during that time. But I met a bunch of friends on Facebook, most of them are Taiwanese. They will always chat with me, support me, tell me never give up. Slowly they added me in their RC (Raidcall) group, they will sing and talk in that Software. But after a period of time, some of them busy in work or study and RC had stopped service, so our group now only left silent. Deep inside my heart, I still appreciate that period time, even though we do have argued before, but they really helped me in my hard time.

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過 曲 就讓我 成為你的 音律 你若願意 我化身焰火飛絮 借一冬的寒意 呼吸 著呼吸 交雜離別時刻的詩句 舊橋人潮百里 只有我湧著萬股思緒 本是紅顏為何唱著小生戲 身後誰試探說 原來真是你 剎那混沌再開啟 策白馬嘯西風 若我醉 要醉死在夢中 隨戰鼓雷 指你看那道彩虹 這伏兵還未動 即如弦上弓 山海嘯箭萬支火光湧 我生於混沌中 你應當讀懂我的心痛 持著利斧欲劈開愛恨朦朧 待戰火燎原後 生死難與共 方知此情有多重

我的心好亂 趙傳

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我的心好亂 趙傳.mp3

我小學五年級的時候，隨 著我爸爸的事業漸漸上升，他開始 搞起了外遇。 他開始夜歸，有時回家還帶 著一身濃濃的酒氣，周末也是早早就出 門了。 我媽媽一直熬夜就是爲了可以見 他一面，或者和他說一兩句話。 但是他對 著我們都是越來越不耐煩，各種大小聲， 看著我們的眼神也帶著嫌棄。 就連他知 道我在學校被人霸凌到受傷也是不耐煩 地叫我自己注意點。

若是愛讓你有負擔，説明白吧別隱瞞，你心不在了怎麽 辦，何不就在這裏散 ，我還記得曾經香香亮亮的主人房慢慢 變成充滿酒味暗暗的房間，我媽媽在房間裏喝著她在家中找到的全 部藥酒，帶著哭腔不停地唱著這首歌。 終於有一天晚上，媽媽爆發了壓抑 已久的怒氣，她和爸爸開始吵架，爸爸不停用可笑的藉口搪塞媽媽。 在媽媽提 出要檢查手機的時候，爸爸慌張地用力把手機摔到地上。 這一摔，就好像把爸爸的謊 言藉口都摔碎了一樣，媽媽氣不過，拿起挂在墻上的結婚照不停地砸。 從吵架演變成媽 媽想要離家出走，爸爸還是一樣，一邊拖著她，一邊用著可笑的藉口繼續搪塞她。 而 我和姐姐則是在後面緊緊蓋著妹妹的耳朵，不讓她聼這一切。 當時的我也 不理解究竟發生什麽事情，也不明白爲何妹妹不能聽，但是直覺 告訴我不能讓妹妹聽到這些。

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天空爲何那麽暗，愛情爲何那麽難，誰 能告訴我答案，現在我的心很亂，媽媽的健康狀況開始 每況愈下，爸爸一開始只是叫媽媽自己去看醫生，沒打 算理會。 媽媽倔强地把病情一推再推，爸爸也開始有 些擔心，不停地“談判”下，爸爸答應會和那女人斷 聯係，媽媽才願意去看醫生。 診所醫生幫媽媽量 了血壓，沉默地寫信讓媽媽立刻轉去醫院。 媽 媽的卵巢感染了，血壓低到嚴重狀態，醫 生也説再遲一分鐘進院，媽媽的命就保 不住了，必須要施手術。

媽媽住院的第一晚，爸爸就拿走了 姐姐兼職的錢，然後留了我們三個孩子 在家裏。 最糟糕的事情是當時我們三 姐妹，其實都在生病，我和姐姐整晚沒 睡，照顧著妹妹。 整晚安慰著生病難受 在哭的妹妹，幫她清理難受到吐的嘔 吐物。 之後我的外婆和阿姨都從怡保 下來，幫忙照顧我們，爸爸也會帶我們 去看媽媽。 他終於和那女人斷了聯係， 慢慢地想要回歸家庭。 但是他已經在 妹妹的童年裏缺席了兩年，妹妹對他也 是一直都熟悉不起來，他也對妹妹帶 著愧疚地嘗試補救。

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When I was in standard 5, My father cheats on my mother. He slowly comes home late, sometimes come back with strong alcohol smell and go out very early even weekend. My mother always stays up late, just want to talk to him or see him. She always played this song and sing really loud in the room, and I remember the room full of alcohol smell, she drinks every herbal wine she found at home. My mother starts to fight back him, she smashes their wedding photo on the wall. My elder sister and I always cover my younger sister’s ear when they’re fighting. Slowly my mother started felt unwell, after a long fight, my mother deal with my father, she will go to the clinic and my father will cut off the relationship with that women.

When that time they went to the clinic, the doctor after checked my mother’s blood pressure, he just signs a letter for my mother, called them to go hospital immediately. Lastly, my mother actually has ovarian inflammation nearly to die, if she didn’t get to the hospital on time. So she has to stay in the hospital and the first day she in hospital, my father left just three of us at home. The worst things were me and my sisters actually sick that time, I and my elder sister didn’t sleep at that night to take care my younger sister, she cried and vomit and in fever whole night. After all the things, my father finally cut off the relationship with the women and try hard to get back to the family.

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當愛情由濃轉淡 再說什麼已太晚 不管心裡多遺憾 讓你離開別阻擱 若是愛讓你有 負擔 說明白吧別隱瞞 你心不在了怎 麼辦 何不就在這裡散 當愛已不在溫暖 它只是牽泮 又何苦讓它再 糾纏 哦！再糾纏 天空為何那麼暗 愛情為何那麼難 誰能告訴我答案 現在我的心好亂 若是愛讓你有 負擔 說明白吧別隱瞞 你心不在了怎

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麼辦 何不就在這裡散 當愛已不在溫暖 它只是牽泮 又何苦讓它再 糾纏 哦！再糾纏 天空為何那麼暗 愛情為何那麼難 誰能告訴我答案 現在我的心好亂 天空為何那麼暗 愛情為何那麼難 誰能告訴我答案 現在我的心好亂 天空為何那麼暗 愛情為何那麼難 誰能告訴我答案 現在我的心好亂 天空為何那麼暗 愛情為何那麼難 誰能告訴我答案 現在我的心好亂

Hotel Celling Rixton

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Hotel Celling Rixton.mp3

2017年的 農曆新年，我當時 在間購物中心的鞋店裏做 推銷員，但是我並沒有拿到假期， 所以農曆新年的第一天，我還是需要去工 作。 清早，我坐在滿是新年裝飾的購物中 心，戴著耳機聽著YouTube，這首歌則 是YouTube自動推薦的歌曲。 Start to see this, everyone I know cannot believe this, I’m trying to hold on to the sweetest feeling, So I’ll never let you go, don’t you leave me lonely now, 這首歌唱的關於身 邊愛的人突然離世，全部人包括你也 無法相信，隨著音樂，我的回憶開始湧 現。 2014年12月19日，那天也是一個普通 的學校假期，可能上天也覺得這個假期真 的太平淡普通了，確定給我們一些不普通。

第二天早上，我和 姐姐一起做了芋頭糕打 算向他道歉。 但是他放工就帶 我們出門買年貨和新學期的文具鞋 襪，我們也難得的在外吃晚飯，他在等上菜 時還和妹妹玩手機游戲。 飯後當然我們還 外帶了宵夜，打算半夜一起吃。 當我們回 到家的時候，發現我們的鐵門上挂滿了我 們的鞋子，鞋櫃反倒在地，鐵門還多了一 個不明的鎖頭。 爸爸到車上拿起工具拆掉 那個鎖頭才發現，其實這一切都是他的 前員工做的。 他的前員工很喜歡賭博，也 成天向我爸爸借錢。 這次，我爸爸因即將 來臨的新年拒絕了借款，所以他確定復仇 我爸爸。 儘管我們怎麽勸爸爸不要出門， 他還是出門和那個人聊聊，他不停地安 慰我們，他和前員工多年交情，絕對 不會有危險，很快就會回來。

那天晚上我和爸爸發生了一些小爭吵，本來 准許我在明天和朋友出門的爸爸突然臨 時起意，不讓我出去了。 我哭得稀裏 嘩啦的，并不是有多生氣沒得出 門，反而是爸爸太凶而嚇哭 的。 他在睡前還大駡，不 准哭了，要哭等我死 了再哭！

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是的，對於我說，他就 是殺了爸爸的凶手，沒有他， 現在我們一家人應該坐在客廳一邊 吃宵夜一邊看電影。關於那晚的記憶， 其實我很模糊，我只是記得那冰冷透骨 的風，爸爸冰冷刺骨的肌膚，媽媽在與 外婆通話裏那顫抖的聲音問著媽，怎 麽辦啊，公公顫抖的步伐和顫抖的聲 音喊著爸爸的名字。曾經有人和我説 過，喪禮上最能看清人，這是真的。爸 爸家的親戚包括我婆婆坐在爸爸靈堂 前一邊撥花生一邊説著我爸媽的閑話， 説著媽媽多沒用，竟然沒有兒子給爸 爸送終。而我媽媽娘家的人則是急急 忙忙地從怡保來吉隆玻幫忙喪禮。

那瞬間，我的 腦袋是一片空白，整個 人懵了，一直自我安慰，一定是 走錯了。但是現實就是這麽殘酷，沒有走 錯，也沒有做夢。我無法相信白布下的 是那位在前幾小時說會很快就回家，那 位約定要一起吃宵夜，那位我喊了15年 爸爸的人。他的死因是突發性心臟病， 我們知道爸爸一直都有高血壓，但是已 經控制好幾年沒事了。醫生也和我們說 是突然的情緒導致的心臟病，可能是突 然憤怒。 半夜的醫院大門，媽媽聯絡著外 婆，大伯一語不發地去載公公婆婆，我邊 哭邊對著那個前員工喊，你這個殺人凶手。

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When my eyes open morning pulls me into the view, no. I guess I’m only acting in the way that you do. Just being alone, no. Only time tells me more than I hope, 全部事情都很匆忙，每一天起床，我都在想我是不是還在發 夢啊，心裏卻很明白，不是夢。 喪禮結束后，我們開始收到大耳窿的恐嚇信。 我們才發現喪 禮的時候，爸爸的親戚趁著我們不注意時，一直在玩爸爸的手機，他把爸爸的訃告發送給手機裏全 部聯絡人。 而這些大耳窿就是這樣得知爸爸的死訊，所以一直來威脅我們還錢。 最終是我的大姑解 決了這些事情，她和我外婆也帶著我們去解決了很多事情。 我們天天在家裏整理爸爸留下的文 件，裏面夾雜他當時外遇的賬單，典當媽媽嫁妝的收條，一個個都在攻擊著我們。 許多個 漫漫長夜，不管有多累，我們都徹夜難眠。 但是最可怕的是在一切安靜下來，清閑 的時候才是最難受的，回憶會不停回放。

我還記得一 切安定了，我也就 快開學，在我檢查中四分班 時，發現自己沒能分進理科。 突然， 我就開始覺得自己怎麽那麽不孝，爸 爸死前和他吵架，他死後也無法考進讓 他驕傲的好班。 我在家人面前哭得超級 崩潰，把家人嚇了一大跳。 最後我姐和 媽媽駡我，怎麽都一直鉆牛角尖。 後來， 經過自己慢慢調解，我也理解了自己對 理科不拿手，進了也無法做好，不如做好 自己能做好的。 現在回想，其實也無 法想象當時我們一家人是怎麽走 過來的，但是一切都是美好又 溫暖的。

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Chinese New Year 2017, I was working as a promoter and I didn’t get leave for the first day of CNY. Early morning, I sat outside of the store full of New Years decoration, and my YouTube auto-played this song. This song is about someone you loved passed away very suddenly, and everyone included you can’t believe it. It really makes me flashback about my father.

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I can see it coming round full circle my friend.

On the TV they said they had reported you dead.

It was my fault‘cause I could’ve sworn that you said.

It was easy to find another for your bed.

How does it feel to leave me this way, When all that you have’s been lost in a day?

Everyone knows, but not what to say.

I’ve been wonderin’now.

I’ve been staring at the hotel ceiling, Drinking everything I’ve found this evening, Trying to hold on to the sweetest feeling, So I’ll never let you go, don’t you leave me lonely.

Start to see this, everyone I know cannot believe this.

I’m trying to hold on to the sweetest feeling, So I’ll never let you go, don’t you leave me lonely now.

When my eyes open morning pulls me into the view, no I guess I’m only acting in the way that you do.

Just being alone, no.

Only time tells me more than I hope, all that I know is I’ll be finding a fortnight alone and behold.

I know I shouldn’t have let you go.

I’ve been staring at the hotel ceiling, Drinking everything I’ve found this evening, Trying to hold on to the sweetest feeling, So I’ll never let you go, don’t you leave me lonely.

Start to see this, everyone I know cannot believe this.

I’m trying to hold on to the sweetest feeling, So I’ll never let you go, don’t you leave me lonely now.

I can see it coming round full circle, my friend.

On the TV they said they had reported you dead.

19th December 2014, it was a normal regular December holiday, I had a small fight with my father. He promised me to let me hang out with my friends, but he changed his mind in the last minute. I cried so hard, not because of can’t hang out, but I just shocked that he was so angry and scolded me. Before he slept, he scolded me like usual Asian parents: No more crying! Cry when I already die!

Next morning, me and my elder sister make yam cake for him to apologize. But he brought us out for shopping about New Year stuff and new school’s things, we had dinner outside and he played a mobile game with my younger sister. We even take away some food for supper, everything was happy and warm. When we were home, we saw our shoes get tied on our door and our door gets locked by an unknown pin lock. My father removed everything with tools and found out it did by his ex-coworker. His ex-co-worker likes to gambling and always borrow money from my father. This times due to CNY coming, my father rejected to borrow him money, so he did these all for revenge. Even though we hold my father not to go out with that guy, but he still goes and said that guy is harmless and he will be back very soon.

About 1/2 hours passed, my mother was very worried and called my father for a few times.

Finally, someone picked up, but it’s not my father, it’s the ex-co-worker, he told my mother that my father is in ICU now. My mother called my uncle immediately to fetch us to UKM. We get into ICU, followed the order to the bed, we saw a person cover by a white cloth.

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It’s hard to believe the person under the white cloth is the person who said will back home soon, the person said want to eat supper with us, the person who I called daddy for 15 years. He died caused by a heart attack, we knew he has high blood pressure problem, but it was under control for a few years. Late night, cold wind, my mother called my grandmother, my uncle go home and get my father side grandparents. I barely remember things happened that night, I just remember how cold the wind was, how cold the skin I just touched, my mother’s shaking voice and my grandfather shaking hand and footstep.

Funeral goes on, it really showed how cruel is my father side relatives, they gossip about my family in front of my father. My mother side relative came all the way from Ipoh to KL just to help us.

Everythings were so rushing and messy, every single morning, I wake up hope that is a dream. Finished the funeral, we started to receive some threatening letter from a loan shark.

We found out my father side relative played my father’s handphone during the funeral, she sent the obituary to everyone in my father’s contact. My aunt came and help us settle a lot of things, we rush to a lot of department about insurance, EPF and a lot of things. We barely can sleep even that is really tired, and the most terrifying things were when it’s free and nothing to do, this is the times that memories started“attack”you.

I still remember 2018 was the years I will get into form 4, and I checked my class assign, found out I didn’t manage to get in science class. I cried really hard in front of my family, my older sister and mother have scolded me about pushing myself too hard to the edge of the mountain. But when I think back this thing, actually it’s quite funny and warm for me.

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Jealous Nick Jonas

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Jealous Nick Jonas.mp3

中三的時候，有 個學長追求我，但因我本身 對交往的事情不感興趣，所以就委婉 的拒絕了。 中四的時候，他來找我聊天說 不如做朋友吧。 我也沒理由拒絕，我們就 有時會聊天，聊聊功課也會互相介紹歌 曲，這也是其中一首他介紹的歌曲。 慢慢 地我發現，他和他的朋友說我是他的女 友，而且他同時還有著兩個校外的女友。 I turn my cheek, music up, And I’m puffing my chest，震驚的我鼓起勇氣， 在大家的面前重新拒絕了他。 他很生氣也 覺得我讓他顔面無存，他開始在背地裏撒 播因爲我是同性戀才拒絕他的謠言。 起初， 我並不知道，我發現一些學姐看我的眼 神很奇怪也開始當我是致命病毒一 樣遠離。 直到我其他學長朋友和 朋友來鼓勵我，不管我的性 向，他們都會一直支持我， 我才知道有謠言。

雖然如此，我還是很感謝 他，因爲這件事，我認識到 身邊哪些是真心待我的， 還有這首歌真的很好聼。

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I don’t like the way he’s looking at you I’m starting to think you want him too Am I crazy? Have I lost ya Even though I know you love me, can’t help it I turn my cheek, music up And I’m puffing my chest I’m getting ready to face you Can call me obsessed It’s not your fault that they hover I mean no disrespect It’s my right to be hellish I still get jealous ‘Cause you’re too sexy beautiful And everybody want to taste, that’s why (that’s why) I still get jealous ‘Cause you’re too sexy beautiful And everybody want to taste, that’s why (that’s why) I still get jealous Listen, I’m the type to never sweat no chick Ain’t nobody but you got me stressin’this way and you know Yeah, yeah Now the

When I form 4, one of my senior, he wanted me to be his girlfriend, and I already rejected him. But he said he just wanna be normal friend with me, so we do chat sometimes, we share some nice songs we heard, this is one of the songs he intros to me. Slowly I found out, he actually told his friends that I’m his girlfriend, and he does have 2 other girlfriends. I was so shocked and I rejected him one more time in front of his friends because I usually rejected him in private with a very reserved way. He was outraged, so he slipt the rumours that I am actually a lesbian that’s why I rejected him. I didn’t know it at the beginning, but I noticed some seniors look at me with a very weird way and keep away from me. Some of my senior and friends came to me and told me, whoever you like or you’re, they will be always there for me. struggle’s Through whole things goes on, I actually wanna thanks him for always helping me find out who is the real friends that will support real me and also this song is actually a very good song.

Girls be stepping in my space All up in your face, how am I supposed to feel?

I turn my chin, music up And I’m puffing my chest I’m getting ready to face you Can call me obsessed It’s not your fault that they hover I mean no disrespect It’s my right to be hellish I still get jealous ‘Cause you’re too sexy beautiful And everybody want to taste, that’s why (that’s why) I still get jealous ‘Cause you’re too sexy beautiful And everybody wants to taste, that’s why (that’s why) I still get jealous You’re the only one invited I said there’s no one else for you ‘Cause you know I get excited (yeah) When you get jealous too I turn my chin, music up And I’m puffing my chest

I’m turning ready to face you Can call me obsessed It’s not your fault that they hover I mean no disrespect It’s my right to be hellish I still get jealous ‘Cause you’re too sexy beautiful And everybody want to taste, that’s why (that’s why) I still get jealous

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‘Cause you’re too sexy beautiful And everybody wants to taste, that’s why (that’s why) I still get jealous Hey! (oh) (That’s why), (that’s why) I still get jealous Jealous baby, jealous baby, baby! (Oh) That’s why (Nick J, Tinashe) I still get jealous (jealous, jealous, jealous)

Welcome to New York Taylor Swift

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Welcome to New York Taylor Swift.mp3

這首 歌是我的工作進 行曲，中五應該是我最爲 忙碌的一年，我是SPM的target A學 生，我在課外活動和比賽還有表演也超 級活躍，同時我也有兩份兼職。 放學后， 我就會去兼職補習老師，周末就在台 灣餐館做服務員。 Walkin’through a crowd, the village is a glow, Kaleidoscope of loud heartbeats under coats, everybody here wanted somethin’more, Searchin’for a sound we hadn’t heard before, 周末等火車時，我就帶 上耳機聽著這首歌。 爲什麽是這首歌？我 也不明白，但它總是給我帶來滿滿的正 能量來渡過一整天，放工回家， 我也會一直聼這首歌。 我以爲我會厭倦這首歌，但是它至今還是我的工作進行曲。 中五畢業后， 我在等待成績的同時也在間購物中心的鞋店裏做推銷員。 這是一份非常辛苦的工作， 一星期裏工作六天，大部分的輪班都是10點至10點。 終於等到了3月，我終於拿到成績，而且還是 很令人滿意的成績。 但當我和家人討論選擇大學科系時，他們不想我進入美術設計的行列。 他們建議 與希望我可以選擇金融會計，美術設計就當成愛好，畢竟成績不錯。 經過多番討論，我向他們妥協， 我會尋找會計的工作嘗試一年，看我是否可以接受。 我在KK的總部裏擔任了一年的會計助 理，這并不是一份很累的工作，福利也不錯，但是卻很壓力。 我常常感到很傷心也 很無力，我明白因爲這不是我要的生活。 每個會計交易，複雜的人際關 係和每個一成不變朝九晚五的每天都讓我感到疲憊。 每當 午休我都會打開這首歌來爲自己充電。

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Walkin’ through a crowd, the village is a glow Kaleidoscope of loud heartbeats under coats Everybody here wanted somethin’ more Searchin’for a sound we hadn’t heard before And it said Welcome to New York It’s been waitin’for you Welcome to New York, welcome to New York Welcome to New York It’s been waitin’for you Welcome to New York, welcome to New York It’s a new soundtrack I could dance to this beat, beat forevermore The lights are so bright but they never blind me, me Welcome to New York It’s been waitin’for you Welcome to New York, welcome to New York When we first dropped our bags on apartment floors Took our broken hearts, put them in a drawer Everybody here was someone else before And you can want who you want Boys and boys and girls and girls Welcome to New York

When we first dropped our bags on apartment floors, took our broken hearts, put them in a drawer，2019年的時候，我家人告訴我，我不可以再拖 了，一定要繼續升學了。 這也是我時隔那麽久第一次對於這個話題而 哭，因爲他們堅持要讓我選擇金融會計。 我對著電話對面的大伯 不停地哭，我告訴他，我不介意繼續工作存錢，自己升學，但 是我絕對不要一輩子都做會計也不要浪費錢在我不喜 歡的事情上。 最後，大伯也鬆口讓我有條件式的選 擇了設計，但是我還是很感激家人在我選擇后 的無條件支持。

It’s been waitin’ for you Welcome to New York, welcome to New York Welcome to New York It’s been waitin’for you Welcome to New York, welcome to New York It’s a new soundtrack I could dance to this beat, beat forevermore The lights are so bright but they never blind me, me Welcome to New York (New York!)

It’s been waitin’ for you Welcome to New York, welcome to New York Like any great love, it keeps you guessing Like any real love, it’s ever-changing Like any true love, it drives you crazy But you know you wouldn’t change anything, anything, anything Welcome to New York It’s been waitin’for you Welcome to New York, welcome to New York Welcome to New York It’s been waitin’for you Welcome to New York, welcome to New York It’s a new soundtrack I could dance to this beat The lights are so bright but they never blind me Welcome to New York New soundtrack It’s been waitin’for

you Welcome to New York The lights are so bright but they never blind me Welcome to New York So bright, they never blind me Welcome to New York Welcome to New York

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This song is in my working must playlist.

I had a really busy year when form 5, I was preparing my SPM as a target A student, I’m super active in my extracurricular activity and competition, events also I had 2 part-time jobs in the mid-time. I work as a tuition teacher after school and work as a waitress in a Taiwanese restaurant every weekend. Every weekend I will plug in my earphone and play this song while I’m waiting for KTM and replay non-stop until start working. I don’t know why it’s must be this song, maybe it can bring me energy, or because I like Taylor Swift. But this song always can bring me positive energy to help me get through the whole day working, I even listen to it the way I go home.

I thought I will get bored with this song after that, but it actually still my working must playlist after my graduate. I had another job as a promoter while I was waiting on my SPM result. It was a really tiring job, worked 6 days per week and most of the shift is 10am to 10pm. Finally, March was there, I received my SPM result and it’s a really satisfying result. But come to the time I discuss with my family about going to college, they don’t want me to go into art and design.

They advised me to get an account/ business course and take art and design as a hobby since my SPM result was so good. So I deal with them about I will try work as an accountant and see how it will go.

I worked in KK group Head Quater as an assistant accountant for a year, even though it’s not a super tiring job, but it’s very stressful and I always felt sad while I’m working. I knew deep inside my heart because it’s not the job I want. I always felt tired to face all the transactions, complicated social relationship and 9-5 daily life. But every break time I had I will just play this song to recharge myself.

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Early of 2019, my family told me no more delay, I must go to college. And that’s the first time I cried about the course I gonna choose because they still told me to get business/account, I cried over the phone call to my uncle. I told him, I can’t take it anymore, I rather keep working until I save enough money to get in art and design than I waste money to choose the course I don’t like. But I still want to thanks my family who support me after all these things, my uncle said yes after the phone call with term and condition.

This song still my energy changer until now.

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Older Sasha Sloan

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Older Sasha Sloan.mp3

這一首歌讓我放下也看清了不少事情，我對已逝的爸爸其實 一直都是又愛又恨的。 我恨他當時外遇時對我們的態度，尤其 是當他逝世后整理他的文件的時候發現的賬單。 我才驚覺當 時他一直不給媽媽家用，并不是工作沒有收到尾款，而是在給 媽媽前早就花在其他女人身上了。 他典當了媽媽幾乎所有的 嫁妝也和媽媽娘家借了不少錢，就爲了買首飾禮物給那個女 人。 想想當時買菜的媽媽，天天算著少少的錢，一塊錢也要細 細的算。 我也怨媽媽當時的懦弱，不願意離開爸爸，白受那麽 多痛苦。 因爲爸爸，現在身子也落下不少病痛，但她還是一直 説她只是不想我們像她一樣過著沒有爸爸的日子，太痛苦了。

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I used to be mad, but now I know, sometimes it’s better to let someone go, it just hadn’t hit me yet, the older I get，我突然明 白了，對啊，我爲何要一直耿耿於懷呢？ 爸爸已經逝世那麽久了，我爲何要一 直捉著那些事情不放呢？媽媽又繼續 告訴我，我應該要感謝爸爸在外遇時 沒有一走了之，也沒有在盛怒吵架時 家暴我們，他就算外遇也一直照顧我 們，也在媽媽不舒服時回頭了。我又 問媽媽，我決定原諒爸爸了，你會生氣 嗎？媽媽又對我翻了個白眼，讓我有多 遠滾多遠，説了那麽多還問她生不生 氣。 我和媽媽說，其實我想爸爸了，一直 都在想，但是我不敢説，我怕她會 氣我不爲她打抱不平。媽媽看 著我，輕輕的說“嗯，我也 想他，每天夢裏都夢 到他是假死避大 耳窿。 ”

The older I get, the more that I see, my parents aren’t heroes, they’re just like me, 聽著這首 歌，我才慢慢的想，對啊，其實父母也只是 普通人，有自己的煩惱，自己的顧慮，也有 做錯的時候。 我聽了一次又一次，確定和媽 媽聊，我告訴她，我不知道自己該不該原諒 爸爸當時外遇的事情，我覺得原諒了很對 不起媽媽。 我媽媽當時好像看著白癡一樣 的眼神安靜地看著我，看我不明白，她又翻 了個白眼。 媽媽才告訴我，外遇是她和爸爸 的事情，原不原諒是她的事情，而我應該站 在女兒的位置想要不要原諒這個做錯事的爸 爸，更何況事情已經過那麽久了。

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我們兩母女聊了很久，我才發現我好像第一 次和她說那麽多話。 我從小就比較親爸爸，雖然我 什麽都會和媽媽說，但是我好像沒有和她談過這麽多 心底的事。 聊到爸爸的事情，我總是忍著不哭，因爲我覺 得眼淚是最無用也是最懦弱的東西，但是媽媽卻告訴我，的 確哭看起來很弱，但是忍著也見不得有什麽厲害的。 不如狠狠的 哭，哭了再站起來繼續解決問題。 我媽媽總是可以説出一些驚人的 話，但我明白這些驚人的話才是最能體現我媽媽剛强又灑脫的性格。

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I used to shut my door while my mother screamed in the kitchen I’d turn the music up, get high and try not to listen To every little fight,‘cause neither one was right I swore I’d never be like them But I was just a kid back then The older I get the more that I see My parents aren’t heroes, they’re just like me And loving is hard, it don’t always work You just try your best not to get hurt I used to be mad but now I know Sometimes it’s better to let someone go It just hadn’t hit me yet The older I get I used to wonder why, why they could never be happy I used to close my eyes and pray for a whole ‘nother family Where everything was fine, one that felt like mine I swore I’d never be like

如果在看這本書的你也有這樣的煩惱，也請聽聽這首 歌，再和家人聊聊吧，他們總有辦法和你一起解決的。

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them But I was just a kid back then The older I get the more that I see My parents aren’t heroes, they’re just like me And loving is hard, it don’t always work You just try your best not to get hurt I used to be mad but now I know Sometimes it’s better to let someone go It just hadn’t hit me yet The older I get The older I get the more that I see My parents aren’t heroes, they’re just like me And loving is hard, it don’t always work You just try your best not to get hurt I used to be mad but now I know Sometimes it’s better to let someone go It just hadn’t hit me yet The older I get

我出生於一個音樂愛好家庭。 從小，父母總是開他們喜歡的歌曲給我和我姐姐聼，我 們并不是聽著ABC兒歌成長，而是聽著當代的流行歌曲長大。 我 會嘗試記錄下每個帶著回憶的歌曲，最後篩選一些真的帶有 意義的放進書裏。同時，我也希望通過我的故事/經歷去 告訴大家，其實每個困難都是可以解決，每個傷心 都是有個頭的，每個坑都可以跨過去的。

ISBN 978-2-12-345680-3