Her name is: Ivanna M. Achendiffern She grew up with a single mother who was almost always there physically, but was either on the phone for hours on end, getting a little tipsy or having difficulties in her relationship or 5 hours deep into a book rather than paying her any attention to her daughter. She had tons of expectations on her - to clean the house and follow the rules because she had one brother who was given all of the negative energy and attention that the family could muster up. She was the fixer, the peace maker. She was invisible. She carried this invisible power around with her everywhere - in school, in social situationsâ€Ś until she found an outlet that allowed her to escape the binds of her invisible life
that she was ashamed of. She found latin danceâ€Ś she found an area where she stood out among the rest and she could be anyone she wanted to create. She was elegant and sophisticated and became really good at it. The attention was overwhelming and the passion was deepening as she got older. Eventually, she left home to make it on her own and while she had a few close friends here and there, she never really got far from home nor made any major strides toward anything meaningful. She courted a man for 4 years before marrying, and realized early into it that she she should have taken a different path. However, the obligations of what was expected of her mixed with the fear of the unknown overshadowed the inner strength to say out loud, "I don't want to do this." Within the next few years she found herself as a single mother of a young child and had to figure things out on her own. Although this path was met with adversities and challenges, she did well and enjoyed doing it on her own. Actually, it was quite empowering. She learned that she had a voice - a very strong one. She could create things and make things and do things that people paid attention to. She became very good at validating the things that she said - proving whether or not things others said were valid. She became good at seeking answers and prided herself on being able to learn quite a bit about anything she took interest in. However, over time she began to have a this unsettled feeling of wanting something she was especially good at. She's never really found that "THING" and is desperately seeking it every aspect of her life. Surrounded by people who are amazing singers, she goes to karaoke events to support her singing friends. She has several friends who are amazing writers of poetry, stories or songs. She has close friends who drip talent in sports, gymnastics, creative arts or cooking. Everyone seems to have something that they boast as their talent. She even read stories about someone who saved her mortgage by baking cakes. But what can she do? While searching, she hears people say over and over again how helpful and instrumental she was in helping them get their focus, finish
an important project or just feel more motivated or gain clarity on a topic or their own picture. She's complimented quite often for having the insight and the motivation for lifting others up. She still gets caught up in helping others before helping herself - but she's so good at it. The more she learns about this online thing the more she shares with others around her how they too should do what she's been learning only to find that several people she's offered this advice to have implemented the ideas and have entire Zazzle stores or blog sites or ezine articles written about their passions. She remains hopeful to find her nicheâ€Ś and for the most part, she remains focused on finding it online. Her irrational thoughts are what causes her to be held back in life. She's plagued by negative thoughts that hold her back. "If I go to a party, I won't have anyone to talk to and I'll probably have a bad time, so I just won't go." She feared making a fool of herself because she won't fit in or will be judged for being over weight or not being smart. Sometimes she's awake at night because she worries about money or relationships. She can over think the income and whether or not she'll have enough to make ends meet. "What if I have to let go of my house and move?" or "What if I have to re-home my dogs, where will they go? Who will care for them?" She gets this unsettling fluttery feeling in the pit of her stomach.. it's anxiety. It's like she swallowed a rock and there are butterflies fluttering around it. It kind of aches and she feels this strange vibration thru her legs and arms. It consumers her worrying about money. And when she's not worrying about money, she's over-analyzing her relationships or things she said or how they were played outâ€Ś did that sound right, did that look right? She's afraid to step out and do something that's not going to pan out, and she's afraid to do it all wrong. She's afraid to take the time out to focus on it because she's going to let her other obligations fall shortâ€Ś yet at the same time, she's afraid not to. She knows that she's 45 years old and she's still living only a little bit better than paycheck to
paycheck. She's never really saved much and even when she actually did - she ended up hitting rough patches that used it up. So she knows that she has to do something NOW to make a change because otherwise, she's going to be facing retirement square in the eyes and she's going to be in exactly the same boat that she's been in for the past 20 years… Just getting by. More than anything, she's angry with herself. She procrastinates, she waits until the very last minute to get things done… feeling that the pain of doing them is overwhelming… a movie or walk or a conversation with her mom is going to possibly fill the void she feels. But when it comes time for things to be completed - in a mad panic… she hurries and works hard, staying up for hours upon hours to cram or get it all done. This is a pattern with her and she's so used to it, she finds it hard to change. So she finds herself so upset with this pattern because at some physiological level, she knows it's self sabotage. In an effort to prevent others from seeing these character defects, she often works harder on helping them with their own short comings or the places in their lives that seem to be stumbling blocks. This pattern has caused her to seem like a giving, caring & compassionate person - and she truly is… she gives so much of her time, her passions, her emotions and her heart to others around her… lifting them up and helping them volunteering - the children, the relationships, her mother, her friends… that she always puts herself back burner. It may seem heroic, but at the end of the day, she wonders if she did good or if it's plain old fear of facing herself and making the very things she wants so much to happen, a reality. Her daily frustrations are fairly consistent - she's chronically late, she's never fully accomplished in a day what it seems others do and she thinks about money about 900 times. The trends that interest her are the impossible to ignore advances in the internet. She's overly consumed by Facebook, linkedin, youtube and all of the many different platforms for communication. She's intrigued with the QR codes that are in lots of store windows or on
brochures you see everywhere - but doesn't really know how all of this ties together. It's obviously all about making money and earning money online - but she doesn't really know how to get her mind around it. She loves shopping online, from books to clothing to her vitamin supplements, she loves ordering online. Anything she wants to verify or do her research on can all be easily found online. She loves this. Information is at her fingertips. She just wishes she knew more. Secretly, she desires to know more than she does. She likes her job but knows that she has to keep on doing the same thing over and over and she doesn't have anything that makes her unique. She doesn't have a "thing" that makes her stand out in any way. She wants a "THING"â€Ś she wants to combine some kind of interest, or all of her many interests in some way with making money from it online. She wants to know a lot and she wants to be good â€Ś really good at showing it to others. From the depths of her soul she wants to make her mark on the world. She wants her life to mean something and be worth something. So she aimlessly searches for things to occupy her time online and is mostly entertained, and often stumbles upon something that takes her back to that place of, "wow, I wish I could do this too." There's no specific decision making process that she is aware of. She just gets touched by things on an emotional level. All buying for her is emotional. If she sees the right dress, she needs to have it - not for the dress but for what that dress represents - the party or the business meeting that will come. If she sees an art product that helps her make better designs in her art software or it has new figures or icons, she's compelled to have it because she can imagine herself doing even better pictures, which she loves doing. She knows this can set her apart from other people who can't do simple graphic pictures. When she bought her car from the dealership, she was taken in by the newness of it, the feeling she got from sitting in the seat - the emotional gratification of what that newness felt like, or would mean to her. She was then able to justify it with logic - the car is only $100 more than my
old car payment, but there's 2 years of maintenance an a warranty and no high miles. It's "WORTH" it. When she buys things, she has to connect with it and feel like it's the right thing for her. Her language is one based upon "FEELING" and matters of the heart. Things that make a difference, things that expose the truth… things that touch other people's lives. She uses "Feeling" and kinesthetic words in her daily language. "I FEEL" good about that. "I can see how you FEEL." or "That must really hurt you." or "That really touched my heart." If she's near you when discussing something personal, she may touch your arm or something equally "touchy-feely." She's spending money on things that make her better - self help, personal development books and programs, relationship programs to understand how people interact. She's already spent money on art programs and how to write an ebook and publish it, how to make a great cookbook, and the like. She's taken in by the technical aspect as well as the solution it brings. She loves technical stuff… or rather the thought that she can do it. It's one of the reasons she spends money on these programs that boast the "HOW TO", but it's also a component of her misery, as she never follows through because the technical side becomes overly cumbersome and a bit over the top. But it doesn't stop her from buying reasonably priced items like art programs for her mac or how to market on Facebook or how to create better videos. Her dreams are about doing these things… people are definitely making money from her purchases and she's so tired of that cycle and not having anything of her own - not making her own mark in this world. This all comes full circle back to what makes her angry - it's a self fulfilled, self perpetuating psycho-circle of hoping, believing, getting sucked in emotionally, validating her purchase with logic… she starts out strong, some things she learns through and feels good about them… thinking, "One day I'll use it to make money." or "Once i figure out what I'm good at, I'll use this knowledge to sell it." But for the most part, she ends up spending more money than she should on products
that she ends up never following through with, forgets about and feels frustrated and even angry at herself for having done. She's happily dissatisfied with her life, altho on the surface it seems fine and she's really a giving, generous, loving person. She just wants more - more from her self, more from life and more for her future so that her retirement won't be as bleak as it is looking now. She wants to go to bed at night not worrying about anything and feeling really accomplished and being proud of something she produces, thinkingâ€Ś "I did that."