How to Become and Stay Stupid

Jasminka PETROVI] & Ana PE[IKAN This manual has already ruined thousands, why not you too?

How best to stop yourself from doing your lessons?

Make your life as meaningless as possible!

Learning or lounging - the choice is clear!

A guide to empty(headed)ness!

ALL ABOUT (NOT) STUDYING

How to become and stay stupid (IN 39 LESSONS) Illustrated by

Dobrosav BoB @ivkovi}

Contents PREFACE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 INTRODUCTION . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7 ELABORATION - (not) studying in school . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 - (not) studying at home . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .18 CONCLUSION . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .47 AFTERWORD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .49 GLOSSARY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .53 SUPPLEMENT . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .60 INDEX . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .61 SPECIAL SUPPLEMENT . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .63

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PEDAGOGY QUIET FLOWS THE DON HISTORY HISTORY OF THE WORLD

EXERCISE-BOOK GEOGRAPHY

LANGUAGE BOTANY

GEOLOGY

20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA

GEOGRAPHY MATHEMATICS 1 FIRST READER COMPUTER SCIENCE

JUNIOR MAG THE ANGRY BEAR-CUB

MATHEMATICS 2

THE BLUE WHALE

SEX FOR BEGINNERS

GEOLOGY BIOLOGY

ETHNOLOGY LORD OF THE RINGS ARCHEOLOGY

THE HEDGEHOG'S HOUSE

FIRST READER FOREIGN LANGUAGE

FAIRY TALES FABLES ASTRONOMY

SOCIOLOGY

ENDLESS STORY

TARZAN OF THE APES PHYSICS

EXERCISE-BOOK PSYCHOLOGY

ART

WAR AND PEACE MATHEMATICS MATHEMATICS 3 4 CHEMISTRY

PREFACE Studying endows you with knowledge, confidence and good grades but studying is arduous and boring. Even worse, it deprives you of valuable time you can use for: staring at the TV, counting the flowers on the wallpaper, doodling on your exercise-books and countless other pleasures. And this is obviously a crime! If you share our opinion, then this is the right book for you.

This is not really an ordinary book, but a very unusual manual. We did our best to reduce the text to a minimum, so that you have as little contact with letters as possible. The sentences are short and simple, with little meaning. We tried to avoid all possibility of making the reader think - God forbid! So don't try to read between the lines - besides empty space, there's nothing there! In fact, the very purpose of this handbook is to preserve emptiness - on the pages as well as in your head. And on that plane it is without peer!

The first results will come after only a few pages. You will bypass bookshops, libraries and museums in complete peace and with a cold heart.

All intellectual effort will soon become history. What you will learn with the help of this manual is how to successfully resist the urge to become educated and clever. You will turn into an expert at talking hot air and killing time, and in the company of others you will either babble utter nonsense or clam up completely. If you do open your mouth, what will come out will probably only be gibberish.

Life is far too short to waste on studying. So ignore all your troubles and enjoy yourself silly!

The Authors

Introduction LESSON No. 1

Studying ATTENTION! Studying will make you clever, successful and socially popular!

CAUTION! In that case there can be no excuses like "my classmates don't like me", or "the teachers hate me". Everybody will crave your company - even your neighbour's parrot.

ADVICE: Studying is contagious, so keep as far away from it as you can! The best place to hide from learning is a game parlour, or even better a betting shop! In this way you can kill three birds with one stone: your time, your money, and what little brains you still have left.

NOTE: You can escape from learning on your own or in the company of likeminded. But take good care - it is still possible to learn some things, even away from school!

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: The first lessons are the most dangerous! They can easily entrap you and pull you straight into the subject-matter. Once you've regained your senses, it is already too late - you've already learnt a great deal! So keep well away from the first lessons!

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Elaboration (Not) studying in school LESSON No. 2

In Class ATTENTION! Students who are attentive in class make studying at home easier for themselves. This means that they need very little time and effort to comprehend and absorb what they heard in school.

CAUTION! As you can see, time in class can be used sensibly. So make sure that this should never happen by accident (let alone intentionally)!

ADVICE: There are teachers who have an unbelievable ability to attract your attention and arouse your interest. But keep your wits about you - keep yawning, try to drowse or fall asleep completely, stare through the teacher, or, even better, through the window. Talk to those closest to you, talk to those at the other end of the room, and even those outside the window...

NOTE: Talk to the alien! If the others in your class cannot see him, try and be more convincing!

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LESSON No. 3

Taking Notes ATTENTION! Good notes taken in class help students to learn things easily, rapidly and with full understanding, and to retain knowledge much better. Those who are very competent at taking notes would rather give their little brother away than their notes!

CAUTION! Taking notes requires paper, pen and brains. Make sure you forget at least one of these at home!

ADVICE: If the teacher should still trick you into taking notes, you might consider: a) writing illegibly and with many abbreviations that will later be impossible to decipher b) practising calligraphy - it is after all more important what a letter or word looks like than what it actually means c) copying every word the teacher says without understanding it - if you should miss any, ask those in your vicinity.

NOTE: The best thing would be to learn to write using your feet! This will keep both you and the entire class amused for hours.

YOU SHOULD KNOW: Homework is also part of the learning process. So try to miss the subject completely, or at least to use the wrong exercise-book.

NOTE-NET

NOTES

ELECTRICAL APPLIANCE FOR WRINGING SENSE OUT OF NOTES

NOTE-TRAP

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LESSON No. 4

Book Margins ATTENTION! Textbook and exercise-book margins can be used for condensing and highlighting important facts during lectures and home-study, helping to comprehend the essence of the subject-matter.

CAUTION! Taking just one look at the little notes on the margins helps you bring back the whole lesson. Ugh - that's all you needed!

ADVICE: Use the margins to write little love messages, your thoughts about the meaning of life, the names of your favourite film and music stars, football players... Illustrations are great for drawing in moustaches, beards, glasses, patches over eyes, large noses, hats etc. What the heck; do whatever you want, just make it as useless and senseless as possible.

Anything else would be very dangerous!

NOTE: The biggest threat comes from those books where the wily author has already used the margins to summarise the most important points!

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LESSON No. 5

Interlinking Knowledge ATTENTION! New lessons are best comprehended and remembered if they are linked to what one already knows (in that subject, in other fields, in life in general).

CAUTION! If you begin to link up knowledge too well, you might hit upon a major discovery! Remember Isaac Newton and his apple!

ADVICE: The less you know, the fewer connections you will be able to make between things, and vice versa!

NOTE: It is best to avoid linking or tying anything, even your shoe-laces! So what if they trail along behind you?

LESSON No. 6

Questions ATTENTION! Those who can pose good questions are always half-way to success, because good questions usually lead to even better answers.

CAUTION! Do you understand that clever questions only serve to draw you even more tightly into the study of the certain subject? Question-answer, question-answer, and before you've had time to think, you understand everything!

ADVICE: Pose as many stupid questions as you can in class. In this way you will turn against yourself not just the teacher, but also all your classmates.

They won't be able to believe what a nuisance you are. What are you waiting for? Ask away - don't let anybody else upstage you!

NOTE: Whenever a discussion on something begins in class, act stupid! Given that you don't know anything, anyway, it won't be very hard. But if the teacher brings a distinguished guest-speaker to class, make sure you make his life miserable. That is the best way to embarrass yourself, the guest, the teacher, the class, the principal, the school, your town...

LESSON No. 7

Recess ATTENTION! School breaks can be organised wonderfully. Children who plan their time carefully can manage to rest, prepare for the next class, eat their lunches, sharpen their pencils, hold the ladder for the custodian...

CAUTION! If you plan your activities during the recess carefully, you will have time to do everything except to say: ''I haven't got time!''

ADVICE: In contrast to what has been said above, you should use the breaks exclusively for fooling around. You should also make sure to annoy the custodian, the school nurse and as many teachers as possible. If possible, avoid going back to class after the recesses; it might also be a good idea to encourage others to do the same.

NOTE: Recess can also be used for sitting on your hands and dragging your feet.

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LESSON No. 8

Supplementary Reading ATTENTION! Required and supplementary reading are intended for expanding knowledge. With the help of newspapers and magazines, dictionaries, atlases and encyclopaedias and the internet, even dull school lessons can become incredibly interesting subjects for research.

CAUTION! Be careful, it could become a habit! What will you do then?

ADVICE: Reject everything that makes any sense! If you should run across any such subject-matter, scream for your life! Sit in front of a computer's screen only if it is unplugged from the mains. It's not yours to think, let alone inquire into things. It's quite enough that you know how to grunt.

NOTE: Say a resolute NO to very book! It will be just a tiny step for you, but a major contribution to the development of stupidity!

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LESSON No. 9

Teamwork ATTENTION! Helping others to do their lessons, writing reports, making murals and billboards and school newspapers together with others, taking part in school and other competitions as a team are also part of the learning process. In fact, learning is far simpler, more interesting and natural when you do it together with others.

CAUTION! Intelligent dialogue creates a desire to learn new things -- make sure you prevent every conversation that makes any sense! Why take any risks?

ADVICE: Stay away from explaining anything to anyone. What if you should have a brainwave and actually understand something? So best keep your ignorance to yourself. You never know when it will come in handy in life.

Come to think of it, commendations and awards, medals and cups only attract dust like a magnet!

DILEMMA: Can annoying the rest of your class also be defined as teamwork?

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LESSON No. 10

Extracurricular Activities ATTENTION! Besides acquiring knowledge in school, children are also encouraged to master other skills (foreign languages, music, acting, art classes, the ballet‌).

CAUTION! You have neither time nor money to waste! Surely you have better things to do with yourself?!

ADVICE: Never do anything you don't have to do. Today a hobby - tomorrow a profession. No thanks! Until you have built up the necessary immunity, avoid all libraries and other cultural institutions at all costs!

NOTE: Stay away from all intelligent and educated people, lest some of their knowledge should rub off on you!

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SUPPLEMENT

WHAT BOOKS ARE GOOD FOR:

1. excellent coasters for glasses

3. excellent for pressing flowers, fruit and vegetables

2. excellent mats for food

4. excellent for swatting flies and other pests

YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVEN'T UNDERSTOOD A SINGLE WORD!

5. excellent food for pets

BOOKS ARE DANGEROUS BOOKS ARE CONTAGIOUS STAY AWAY FROM BOOKS!