Landscaping For Suburban Dads

Volume 1

Edition 1

Winter 2021

Landscaping For Suburban Dads What is the best self pusing Lawn mower to use?

Does Toro have new competition with this up and coming new brand?

Music, booze, and hard work. we’re here for it.

A small insight on how to become a pro at lawn maintenence and what the weekly ritual of most suburban dads are. Suited for anyone who wants crisp lines and a happy wife. Satire will be applied.

Kolton Kamp

Dedicated to all the hard working dads out there.

And also this is a shoutout to my dad who inspires me and teaches me how to become a real man. some images were provided by unsplash.com

Introduction In this wonderful novel you will learn what it takes to become a typical suburban dad who loves the smell of fresh cut grass early in the morning. I have spent three years in this field and having accumulated all the knowledge, I felt like it was my duty to share basic and deep secrets and make it public, Do you want strighter lines? Do you currently compete with your neighbor across the street who thinks is way better than you when it comes to Poa Pretensis (scientific name for buegrass, most common type used in Utah). Do you hate trimming and edging the and want great advice?

Well look no further. Because, I, Kolton Kamp the author of this astronomical piece of work, will gladly and confidently say that if you read this short book you will see results in less than a month as long as you keep cutting it once a week. So tighten your New Balnances because it’s about to get green up in this piece.

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Let’s dive right into it. Just to clarify this book is for everyone.

I am sterotyping and I think if everyone were to follow these step it would be hilarious. I will teach the correct methods.

With that being said, whenever I think of mowing a lawn, what I describe is exactly what I think about in my mind.

Step One. wakeup at the crisp hour of 6;00 am. it may seem early, but trust me mowing the lawn is no simple task and takes great preperation. make sure you’re out of bed by 6;05 am. Once you’re out of the warm fortitude you call blankets, give your wife a kiss because this is YOUR day and she wont see you for at least 6 hours and it’s better to have a clear mind free from nagging so you can accomplish great things out in the green battlefield called your yard.

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The classic Dad look while doing yard work is of course cargo shorts, a T-shirt thats tucked in, knee high socks, and of course it wouldn’t be complete without the New Balance 624. The reason you need the shoes is because they are absolute beasts and demolish anything in your path. And not to mention they are super comfy.

The reason I want you to dress like that is because if you look good, you’ll feel good and then also your lawn and lines will look good. just trust me on this.

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If you haven’t noticed already, I am going to bring up your neighbor across the street up a lot. Because everyone has a competition with someone in their neighborhood and if you feel like you don’t you’re most likely the person that is oblivious and would be known as the “Mr. Flanders” in this situation. But back to the outfit. It’s important to wear the cargo shorts because the large scale of pockets. And that becomes helpful if you need to carry your phone, edger string, and much more. you’ll feel like a bad A.

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Now listen to me when I tell you this.

Step three is super important because this is the time that you need to look yourself in the mirror and give yourself a pep talk. While you get your blood pumping a little you need to open the drawer where you keep your tiny comb so you can run through your badass handlebar mustache.

Also while you clear your head from any negative thoughts about the lawn.

At this point you should start looking like Hulk hogan but if he never got into wrestling and never grew his strawberry blond hair out. and now at this point a bandana is optional, it’s up to you. I encourage it because it gets hot outside obviously, and also it definitley adds to the aesthetic.

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Do you remember the movie Top Gun? And what was the best part of it? Well i’ll tell ya. It was Tom Cruise wearing those aviator sunglasses. So you should already know what to do at this point. Grab the stupid things and slap them on your face. Don’t worry you can put them on while in the house because if your kids are in the family room watching cartoons and they see you with them on, they’ll just repspect you even more.

Warm up that bowl of oatmeal because you will need that sustinance. Fill up that cup of whole milk because you could use some calcium for your bones and also you’re not fat so your body will thank you for that leche. Now that your body is fed, kick your kids off the TV so you can watch the news. Lay back in the couch and just take a minute to reflect and be grateful that you live in the best country in the world.

GO ‘MERICA! Now at this time it should be around 6:45 am. It’s almost time for the big boy stuff.

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You look good, you feel good. We are almost to the most glorious part about your Saturday morning. You need to grab one more thing before we can go outside and smell the fresh air.

Who was the number one band you listened to back in high school? Of course it was Journey.

Grab your headphones and Ipod Shuffle. It’s time to listen to ‘Wheel In the Sky’ that is the number one song for dads to get hyped to. Say a quick prayer for safety because that lawn is going to need-

protection because you are about to demolish it.

All this time this morning has led to this very moment. You may not be the CEO or boss at your main job, however you’re the CEO of this lawn and today you are going to fire the crap out of it. Don’ let it talk back to you, give it lip. Metaphorically throw hot coffee on it because without your tough love it’s going to do whatever it wants and it’s not going to become straight without your harshness. Own the day.

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H ey N e i g h b o r !

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Now time for the moment of truth.

If you’re neighbor is already outside mowing his lawn you already know you need to wake up earlier.

However if he isn’t out yet your day will be perfect because you will have gratification in beating him. Head to the shed in your backyard and grab that beautiful machine made by toro because they produce some of the best mowers in the business. Wheel it to the front yard and before you start make sure it has enough gas to get you through the day. Once it’s all fueled up, put the choke on, prime it, and then give the string a few tugs to get it started. If you haven’t used it in a while it may take a while to start but don’ get discouraged.

Pop your headphones back in and listen to the classic rock every middle aged man loves so much.

Suburban Dads

Step Now that you’ve started the machine it’ time to move your legs. If you want that ‘professional landscape’ look you need to follow these rules in the next few steps. You will need to go around the outline of the yard two times going in the same direction. You do that not only for aesthetic but you also do it becuase if there are corners that are too tight or you have plants or mainly trees that could poke you when you move on to your next line they wont cause as much damage to your body. So two is the magic number.

And after this step it’s pretty much smooth sailing.

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Once the outline is complete it is up to you to decide whether you want to mow it diagonally or vertically.

I personally like doing diaganol but that’s just me. If you want your lawn to look clean I would recommend doing vertical. But if you want to add a little bit of flare and diversity doing diagonal would be effective. If you choose vertical then it’s easy to start just start the first line opposite of the way you did the outline around the yard and just keep switching directions each time you finish a line. And before you know it you will have finished mowing it vertically.

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If you want to mow the lawn diaganolly make sure you pick the longest line in the yard but make sure that it’s close to the middle so it can look even.

Picking the longest line in the middle will distribute the weight evenly which is pretty important. Once the line is determined choose to either go right or left and repeat alternate lines until you finish one side and move on to the other side that is unfinished.

Now you’re almost done.

Once the lawn is complete you will want to go around the outline again two times to make sure you get rid of the marks you made when you were turning around. When you finish make sure you don’t go across the yard and mess up your beautiful work.

Suburban Dads

Step Now I am going to quickly describe how to edge and trim the yard. I’ts a fairly easy task but if you don’t know what you’re doing then then there is a chance that you could trim too deep and end up killing the grass and then it will take a year or two to grow back and it is super frustrating.

Put away the mower and then move to the edger. Prime it, turn on the choke, pull the string until it starts. Gas it for about 5 seconds and then turn the choke off. I like to edge first so I flip the edger upside down and stand on the cement and you want to make sure you stay consistent witha 90 degree angle and slowly work your way acorss the yard. once your done with the edging you need to trim. so at this point you’re collecting the extras you mightv’ve missed while mowing the lawn and edging. So just barely hover over the edge of the lawn. You dont want to cut much off at all or else you will see the marks and it won’t look as good.

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Hopefully through this process I described it to the best of my abilities. It is a task that is super simple and doesn’t really need much explaining. It just takes time and it takes a careful eye to notice how to execute it to make the yard look the best it can.

Now that you finished mowing and edging you know what time it is. It’s time to watch football and drink beer. I would recommend getting Miller Lite just because it’s light on calories with 96 and 3.2g of carbs so you’re not gonna gain unwanted weight from pounding a whole twelve-pack by yourself.

Or if you’re more sophisticated I would go for a nice IPA or particularly a Voodoo Ranger. After a long day out in tne heat nothing beats an ice cold beer.

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Now that you’re feeling accomplished, buzzed, and hyped because the Rolling Tide pulled through like they always do. You can take a breath of relief because you had such a successful day, and the only person you need to thank is me, Kolton Kamp. Without my help who knows where you would’ve ended up. There’s just one more thing that you need to do. Because I just described the stereotypical dad doing yard work it wouldn’t be complete without going into your closet and praising your Muhammed Ali shrine. So light those candles and get on your knees. He is a great icon and inspires you to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

And now if you take a look outside your window you can definitley say that you floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee because you knocked out the yard like it was nothing. So congratulations and you can look forward to my next how-to book on how to become a better cook for suburban dads.