Bermuda Parent March 2016 E-Zine

BERMUDA PARENT Monthly E-zine

Comparison— Thief to Your Child's Self-Esteem How to Give Effective Feedback to Children Alternatives To Punishment

March 2016

CONTENTS COMPARISON

—THIEF TO

YOUR CHILD ’ S SELF-ESTEEM

ALTERNATIVES TO

PAST BPM KIDS

PUNISHMENT

HOW TO GIVE EFFECTIVE FEEDBACK TO CHILDREN

STREAMLINE YOUR DESIGN PROCESS Learn to work better with tips from top creative professionals p40 /

MARCH 2016

BERMUDAPARENT . BM

Bermuda Parent EDITOR'S QUOTE

Katrina Ball EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

MARCH 2016

BERMUDAPARENT.BM

Comparison— It's The Thief to Your Child’s Self-Esteem

By Jennifer Williams Founder of Heartmanity.com

My guess is that there’s hardly a parent in the world who hasn’t said something like this to a child in a moment of exasperation:

“Look at your brother—he jumps right on his homework after school! Why do I always have to nag you to get yours done?”

“Your sister’s a whiz at math, but all you want to do is draw.”

“Doesn’t soccer look fun? Your sister is so good at it, and I bet you would be too.”

“Stop giving me attitude! Can’t you just be polite like your brother?”

“So what’s wrong with that? It’s true, isn’t it? And I’m just trying to motivate my child and show him [or her] a good example!”

I can hear you thinking

Parents who compare one child to another may be well-intentioned, but comparison can have a negative effect on the child’s self-esteem and their budding individuality. Instead of seeking out their natural abilities and developing them, children who are frequently compared to a sibling or friend may do one or more of the following: • Seek to get the parent’s approval by trying to keep up with the other child, even if they dislike the activity, are stressed, or it’s not something they’re naturally inclined to do.

• Get discouraged and become passive.

• Differentiate by doing the opposite of a sibling, even if their sibling is doing exactly what they love and are good at.

• Don’t try at all, or do a lousy job.

• Feel unheard and unseen, and perhaps spend a lot of time alone.

• Act out in other ways to avoid the unpleasant feelings of comparison.

Comparison is unhelpful because it causes a child to feel like their job is to become like someone else, instead of to discover who they are and what brings them joy and fulfillment. If the child’s intention is to get approval from parents or teachers for what others are good at, it can be at the expense of what the child feels or what is important to them.

MARCH 2016

BERMUDAPARENT . BM

The more children and teens learn to look for others to affirm them, the less secure their selfesteem becomes. Avoiding disapproval or habitually seeking approval from parents or teachers deteriorates their internal compass and their self-acceptance. Only the child truly knows what they feel, what they love, what they dislike, what is fulfilling to them, and what is not. Children ’ s hearts and bodies propel them in the direction of their natural inclinations and abilities. For example, a child with high, intense energy will typically not like baseball because it is too slow, but a child who is quieter and slower-moving may enjoy it. No two children are alike, not even twins!

When children don ’ t experience the power of making their own decisions, the muscles of being true to themselves atrophy. When they don ’ t follow their heart, their unique passions, talents, gifts, and contributions may never develop. Then they miss out on the natural unfolding of intrinsic rewards and well-earned results: measured competence, success, value, meaning, and connection. And they are swimming against the tide of their truth.

Consider how different your child could feel if you opened conversations with them like this, instead of comparing them with their siblings:

“ It

seems like you have a hard time doing your homework right after school.

Could you tell me why that ’ s so hard for you? ” or

“ I ’ ve

noticed you struggle

to do homework right after school. Would it help to play outside after school and do your homework right after dinner? ”

“I

see that you really love to draw. Will you show me some of the things

you ’ ve done lately and tell me about them? ”

“ Is

there something special you would like to do after school? It could be a sport or

something else. ”

“ I ’ ve

noticed that you ’ ve been very curt with me lately. Is there something we need to

discuss? ” or

“ Have

you noticed the way you ’ ve been speaking to me lately? It ’ s so unlike

you. I ’ m wondering if you ’ re angry about something and want to talk. ”

You can help your children determine what is important to them by asking open-ended questions that lead them back to their own hearts. You can also help a child discover emotions or behaviors that point to what they want or a skill they may lack. Once you understand their feelings and desires better, you can support them by encouraging them to be themselves, not someone else, and help them build healthy self-esteem. Isn ’ t that what we really want for each of our children?

MARCH 2016

BERMUDAPARENT . BM

Alternatives To Punishment

By Maren Stark Schmidt

Does this scenario sound familiar?

Six-year old Bobby walks into the kitchen from playing soccer.

Bobby’s dad, Tom, had asked Bobby to take off his muddy shoes before entering the house.

Red Georgia mud dotted the new hallway and den carpet.

When Tom sees the footprints, he is furious about the mess and that Bobby had disobeyed him.

”Bobby,” Tom says, his voice rising, ”for disobeying me, you’ll not be able to watch TV for a week. And John won’t be able to come and spend the night on Friday.”

Bobby starts to cry and runs up the stairs yelling, ”You’re the meanest dad in the world. I hate you.”

Punishment for misbehavior can have the undesirable consequences of resentment and anger that can damage our parent/child relationship, perhaps forever.

Kids Talk

TM

is a column dealing with childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Ms. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and

holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over twenty-five years experience working with children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. Contact her at maren@mareschmidt.com. Visit MarenSchmidt.com

MARCH 2016

BERMUDAPARENT.BM

What alternatives to punishment do we have?

In their book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, Faber and Mazlish give seven alternatives to punishment in order to help children learn and exhibit appropriate behavior.

1. Point out a way to be helpful.

need to help me clean the carpet. If the mud

Tom could have phrased his command

doesn’t come out, I want you to go with me to rent

differently.

”Bobby, it would be helpful if you

a carpet cleaner.”

would take off your shoes on the porch and

5. Give a choice.

clean them outside.” Or after the dastardly deed

”Bobby, if you want to continue playing soccer,

was done,

”It would be helpful if you would sit

you need to remember to take your shoes off

down right now and take off those shoes. Then

before you come into the house. You need to pay

you can help me clean up the mud stains.”

attention when I tell you to do something. Forget to take off your shoes, then no soccer. You

2. Express strong disappointment in the action

decide.”

without attacking the person’s character.

Tom could have said,

”Bobby, I’m

6. Take action.

disappointed that the carpet is muddy from your

If Tom has given a choice, such as the choice

soccer shoes. I asked you to take your shoes off

given above, Tom will have to take action if

before coming into the house.”

Bobby forgets to take off his shoes again.

3. State your expectations.

7. Allow the child to experience the consequences

”Bobby, I expect you to listen to me and do what I ask.”

of his misbehavior.

4. Show the child how to make amends.

”Bobby, since I’ll have to clean the carpet tomorrow, I won’t be able to take you to the movies like we had planned.”

”Bobby, after you take your shoes off, you’ll

If our goal is to help our children learn appropriate behavior, punishment may not be an effective way for the child to see his mistake.

When dealing with misbehavior, try using one of these seven alternatives to avoid anger, resentment and discouragement in your child and to help build a trusting, loving parent/child relationship.

It may take a lot of practice to catch our reactions, but I think you’ll see it’s worth it.

MARCH 2016

BERMUDAPARENT.BM

BY JENNIFER WILLIAMS FOUNDER OF HEARTMANITY.COM

How to Give Effective Feedback to Children One of the biggest misconceptions about creating healthy

child understands unmistakably what is

self-esteem in children is that praise is an important

praiseworthy and can act on the feedback

ingredient in building it. But praise can actually deplete

constructively. So instead of

self-esteem. Why? Because too much praise causes

might say,

children to become dependent on what other people

and intense focus landed you that A in science. Do

think, instead of focusing on what makes them happy

“Awesome job!” you

“It was awesome to see how your effort

you feel pleased with yourself?”

and how they feel about themselves and their actions.

Praise promotes pleasing others and relying on others for

3. Encouragement is internally motivating,

validation.

meaning that children are motivated from inside, rather than being dependent on validation from

Encouragement and effective feedback, on the other

outside. This feedback often inspires the child to

hand, engage children and teens, and help them

take their behavior, skill, or accomplishment to

understand themselves better and accept their true value

the next level and increases their self-worth.

and uniqueness. When positive feedback is given

Instead of

thoughtfully, it enables children to connect the dots from

like,

their behavior to the results of that behavior. It clearly

was lots of fun because you were so cheerful. And

shows children their impact in their world and gives

your help allowed our family to have more time to

them helpful information so they can replicate productive

“Good girl!” you could say something

“Cleaning up the kitchen with you last night

play together.”

actions in the future or even improve upon them.

4. Whatever is said must be sincere. If you make a If you’ve been doling out praise, try switching to more

comment to manipulate, the child may resent it

meaningful feedback that is encouraging. Here are the

and often disregards the feedback as just a way for

critical components of effective feedback in building

you to get them to do something you want.

strong and healthy self-esteem in children and teens: 5. Encouragement invokes self-reflection and 1. The feedback must be believable to the child or teen.

introspection, which causes the child to

Instead of saying, “You are so amazing!” try making it

understand himself or herself better, and to

more relevant to the child by saying, “What amazes me

recognize their contribution and value in the

about you is how consistently you apply yourself even

world. Instead of,

when you’re in the middle of a demanding season of soccer.”

2. Effective feedback needs to be specific so that the

MARCH 2016

“Good work!” you might ask, “What do you think enabled you to improve that C in science to an B?” or “What do you like most about the picture you drew?” or “What was the most gratifying class in school this year?”

BERMUDAPARENT > BM

Remember that as you shift your responses from praise to more authentic encouragement, it may feel contrived and clumsy initially. This is often true when we begin using a new skill. Be patient as you practice giving effective feedback. One of the most important things in parenting is to keep yourself encouraged as a parent. Be attentive to your own needs and take good care of yourself. Stay encouraged as you give

–

encouragement and watch the astonishing results!

About Jennifer Williams and Heartmanity.com My mission is to inspire, en-courage, unconditionally love, and guide people to create emotionally safe, honest, thriving relationships. In this safe space, we will mine our divine potential and heal the pain that blocks its unlimited power. Together, we will create families and communities where children are unconditionally loved and respected; their spirits are honored and nurtured; and extraordinary beauty, abundance, and peace flourish.

MARCH 2016

BERMUDAPARENT > BM

MARCH 2016

BERMUDAPARENT > BM

Don't Forget Email your kids photos to photos@bermudaparent.bm

Find Us, Like Us, Share Us