Spotting the signs of an abusive relationship

Everyone has arguments, and everyone disagrees with their partners, family members and others close to them from time to time. But if this becomes the norm in your relationship and you feel afraid of your partner, then this is a sign of an abusive relationship. You can feel as if you have no power over your life and that you are being controlled by your partner.

• Notes of previous threats made to children or other family members

Your diary with dates and incidents and any statements that you have made to the Gardaí.

Young People In Abusive Relationships

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“Abuse can happen to anyone at any age and in any type of relationship. It can happen to adults and it can happen to teenagers. And you don't have to be married or living with your partner for them to act abusively towards you” says Deirdre Vann Bourke, Kerry Development Manager with South Munster Citizens Information Service.

Types Of Abuse

An abusive relationship is where one person uses abuse to control and have power over their partner in an intimate relationship. It can be:

• Physical abuse

• Emotional abuse

• Online abuse

• Sexual abuse

• Economic (financial) abuse

• Coercive Control

“Coercive control is another type of abusive behaviour and is now a criminal offence in Ireland” confirms Deirdre. This is when a boyfriend or girlfriend, partner, husband or wife, or ex uses an ongoing pattern of controlling, coercive and threatening behaviours to trap the person in a relationship.

Coercive control can make it impossible or even dangerous to leave an abusive relationship and can include all or some forms of abuse. This can result in a person changing their routines and losing contact with family and friends. Coercive control can damage a person’s physical and emotional well-being. If you ever decide to seek protection from the Gardaí you will need to have a record of what has happened. This will provide proof and help establish that it is a pattern of abuse. Examples of evidence to support you include:

• Copies of emails, phone records or text messages

• Evidence of abuse over the internet, digital technology and social media platforms

• Records of interaction with services such as support services or medical records

• Witnesses: for example the family and friends of yours may be able to give evidence about the effect and impact of isolation from them

• Bank records to show financial control

Many young people, in particular young women, are subjected to abuse in their intimate relationships. This is called ‘intimate relationship abuse’. This is when your boyfriend, girlfriend or partner uses a pattern of abusive behaviours to gain and maintain all the power in the relationship. Deirdre warns “Abuse can happen in short-term relationships or even your first relationship. If you are worried about your relationship, you can take a relationship quiz on the website www. toointoyou.ie to see if there are warning signs that your partner’s behaviour is controlling. Examples of controlling or abusive behaviour can include:

• Controlling what you wear and who you see

• Sharing or threatening to share intimate images or videos of you without your consent

• Isolating you from family and friends to make you feel guilty if you don’t spend all your free time with them

• Bombarding you with texts and DMs and getting angry if you ignore them

• Demanding to look through your phone or social media

• Checking your text messages, email and social media accounts to keep tabs on you

• A bad temper, you feel afraid to disagree with them

• Physically attacking you or threatening to hurt you

• Threatening to hurt you, themselves or others if you end the relationship

• Forcing you to do sexual things against your will

“Any one of these signs is serious. Your partner does not need to do several or all of these things for your relationship to be abusive. If it feels wrong, it probably is. Talking with someone can help you understand what is happening within your relationship and support you to stay safe. This might be family or a close friend or you might feel more comfortable discussing your situation with someone you don’t know. There is free confidential support and information available 24-hours a day from national and local organisations.”

Young people who are worried about their own relationship or a friend’s relationship can use the free and confidential Instant Messaging Support Service at www.toointoyou.ie.

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