KEYS DISEASE
MARATHON WEEKLY / JUNE 6, 2019
FLORIDA MAN RETURNS He just keeps on giving…
M
y Florida Man column from a few weeks ago got a lot of comments, mostly from people simply flabbergasted that other allegedly intelligent humans could actually do these things that got them immortalized in news headlines. A Twitter account dedicated to Florida Man stories defined the Florida Man as the “world’s worst superhero.” The same Twitter feed goes on to state, “The stories tend to stand as exemplars of the mythical hyperweirdness of the Sunshine State, but more often simply document the travails of the drug-addicted, mentally ill, and homeless.” Still, there is something (likely, many things) about Florida that promotes weirdness to the extreme, be it the heat, the humidity, or the proximity of reptilian beasts to Florida population centers. And there is this you-can’t-make-thisstuff-up, hold-my-beer quality to yet another collection of actual Florida Man headlines. • Florida Man Covers Himself in Ashes, Says He’s a 400-Year-Old Indian, Crashes Stolen Car • Florida Man Puts Dragon Lizard in His Mouth, Smacks People with It • Florida Man Killed 5 Gators, Ate Them for Super Bowl Dinner • Florida Man’s Church Loses Tax-Exempt Status Because It’s Just a Nightclub • Florida Man Advertises “Legit Counterfeit $” on Craigslist, Is Arrested • Florida Man Interested in Getting Tased Runs Through Airport in Underwear Waving Nunchucks • 82-Year-Old Florida Man Slashes 88-Year-Old Florida Woman’s Tires with an Ice Pick for Taking His Seat at Bingo • Florida Man Dressed as Pirate Arrested for Firing Musket at Passing Cars • Florida Man Flees Library on Scooter After Smelling Woman's Feet • Florida Man on the Lam ButtDials 911, Is Arrested • Florida Man Too Drunk to Be Honored by Mothers Against Drunk Driving • Florida Man Crashes Car into Business While Trying to Time Travel • Florida Security Guard Fired After Posting Instagram Videos Of Himself Farting On The Job • Florida Man Answers Door Naked After Setting Fire To Home Trying To Bake Cookies • Florida Man Says We Wasn't Drinking And Driving, Only Swigged
At Stop Signs • Florida Man Breaks Into Restaurant, Strips Naked, Eats Noodles He Bought From Home, And Plays Bongos JOHN • Florida BARTUS Man Rescued After Climbing is the mayor of Down Into Well the City of MaraTo Prove He Can thon. He also is Get Back Out a musician who • Florida Man performs around Charged With town. For more see johnbartus. Weed Possescom sion, Theft Of Ice Cream Truck • Florida Man Asks Sheriff’s Deputies To Test His Meth • Florida Man Does Drive-By Shooting On Author Of Negative Restaurant Review • Florida Woman Passes Gas, Pulls Knife On Man When He Gets Offended • Florida Woman Thought Labor Pain Was Bad Chinese Food • Florida Man Runs Into Convenience Store Carrying Live Alligator With Its Mouth Taped Shut • Florida Woman Blames The Wind For Cocaine In Her Purse • Florida Man Tries to Hide From Police in Trash Can While Dressed as Spongebob Squarepants • Florida Man Claims His Dog Accidentally Shot His Sleeping Girlfriend • Police: Florida Man In Crocs Bitten By Crocs After Breaking Into Crocodile Enclosure And perhaps we should leave it there, with reptile involvement in a Florida Man story. As is typical with just about anything these days, a Florida Man online challenge has gone viral: Google “Florida Man” and your birthday to find out your personal Florida Man headline! Here’s mine (Dec. 1): • Florida Man Offered To Pay Officer With Hamburger For Oral Sex, Police Say
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11050 Overseas Hwy. Marathon, FL 33050
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