Y KNOT - Issue 2

Y KNOT A

C O M E D Y

Z I N E

SECOND EDITION

MAY 2021 JANUARY 2021

JOKES ESSAYS CARTOONS AND OTHER DUMB SHIT

COVID 19 Safe Sex Practices PSA Jake Collazo & Alex Kaufman

In 2020, the NYC Health department released the comprehensive Sex and Coronavirus Disease guide to having safe responsible sex during the pandemic. These tips included only kissing your close friends, the fact that you are your safest sex partner, and perhaps most notably, no rimming (mouth on anus) as it might spread Covid-19.

With the new year well on its way, and the one-year anniversary of quarantine fast approaching, two self-proclaimed “scientists'' race to find an updated alternative as society struggles against its more primal sexual urges. When faced with this question, “How do we have sex in a safe and pleasurable way, that doesn’t needlessly spread the Covid-19 Virus?” Mark Dubinowski and David “Skid” Abernathy first examined contraceptives and their effect on the spread of the Coronavirus. Their research showed that using condoms and other safe sex practices limited the spread of Covid-19 by approximately 69%.

Unfortunately, according to a scientific poll, most people with extremely large phallus refuse to use condoms, due to the severe environmental impact of latex waste. At the same time most cishet men also claimed they would never wear a “green condom” at the risk of being seen as “liberal.”

So, “Dr.”s Mark and Skid sought alternatives, examining the potential of sexual robots. Sex-bots offered a promising substitute for sexual encounters, however, their cold, metal extremities made most people “uncomfortable” and “afraid of an android uprising.” Amazon was in the process of developing an Alexa app for a similar purpose, but early trials revealed a malfunction where they started shouting facts about the population density of various world capitals at climax, and the project was scrapped. People also just kept thinking of Jeff Bezos and immediately the mood was ruined.

If artificial intelligence was out, Skid and Mark had another idea: sex puppets. This idea was quickly scrapped as well, as Elmo’s availability was severely limited post his entrance into the Late Night Talk Show scene. Further, Kermit, Grover, and other Muppets approval ratings were on the decline after numerous WikiLeaks were traced back to Mrs. Piggy’s laptop, who then threw the rest of the company under the bus in a messy and ongoing political scandal. Kermit refused to comment.

After multiple months of research with little to no progress, Skid and Mark had reached their limit. In a night of fitful passion, they came to a sudden and messy realization.

Quote Mark, “If we’re not gonna limit the spread, we might as well spread our cheeks.”

The perfect reach across the aisle; the perfect reach around the cheeks. With this solution, people were free to eat ass as much as they pleased. Skid explains further the bipartisanship of this solution, pondering, “Who has time to think about stimulus checks when we’re stimulating the anus? It’s just good science.”

This message, while revolutionary, unfortunately was not getting across to Millennials, so Skid and Mark recorded an audio PSA, hoping some funky fresh rhymes might bring about the change America so desperately needs.

Some Lists I Never Did Anything With Julie Mitchell

What the soda you drink says about you: Brisk- Emotionally unstable Dr. Pepper- Good at sex, also kind Coke- Advertising shill Diet Coke- Thin mom/college sophomore Grape soda- Weekend dad Mountain Dew- Has ridden a skateboard at some point Orange soda- Kel Mitchell Coke Zero- Sociopath Sierra Mist- Someone who always settles Sprite- Cool genius 7Up- Child at heart Pepsi- Likes football A&W Root Beer- Plays board games on the weekends Barq's Root Beer- Sexual deviant Canada Dry- Someone with a stomach ache and/or whiskey Schweppes- A flight attendant Coca Cola Cherry- Avril Lavigne fan Nestea- Never been loved Mr. Pibb- Peaked in high school Cream soda- Patron of the arts Fresca- Follower Mello-Yello- Has never read a Jane Austen novel Coca Cola Vanilla- Ghost

What the It’s Always Sunny character you find most attractive says about you: Dennis: Have been on coke in a J.Crew Mac: Sex in a car is on the table on most dates Charlie: Love poppers Dee: Masturbates to the lifeguard scene in The Sandlot Frank: Get 1/3rd of your sustenance from gas station sausage Any of the McPoyles: Find milk sexual The Waitress: Dated the same person all through college

Here At LadyBlood We Have Designed The Perfect Period Tracker App. It: -analyzes weird texts -catalogues a list of all your crushes -reminds you which Drew Barrymore movies you haven't seen in a while -texts your mom and/or boyfriend a smiley face & heart every 36 hours -likes Patrick Dempsey -plays The Vagina Monologues while you sleep -will never date one of your exes -tells you 1 new way you can use cucumber each day -has ideas about summer hairstyles And Of Course: -Tells you what's up with your blood, girl! You're so crazy!

How To Fill the Void That 30 Rock Leaving Netflix Has Left In Your Heart (a recipe): 1/2 cup The Office 2 tbs of crying yourself to sleep 3 cups (diced) living every week like it's shark week 1 pound Arrested Development 1/2 a block of night cheese 1 tsp Mickey Rourke Spoonful of a McFlurry and Catholic guilt 2 hollow bones (Ouch! My bones) 18 mind grapes Half an episode of Frajer 1/3 cup turtle meat .5 lb Jenna's side (I'm not hearing it) 2 hooks for hands, melted 16 oz plastic bag that represents your mortality .5 oz HAM 1 pinch standing in line like some Italian 2 cups of a blood feud with a high school girl at the King of Prussia mall (WITH Fat Vicky) 17 jellybeans from Reagan's tomb 3 instances of poisoning someone you love to see that hot paramedic again 1/3 cup writing your feelings on a trucker hat 1 million lemons Finish with a Blimpie sandwich put in a blender, drizzled over the top You did it! (If not ready after 30 min scream, "I NEED MORE TIME WITH IT JACOB" while shaking your fist pleadingly at the heavens and put back in your Funcooker for 2-6 min). Also feel free to adopt different race twins

COLORS IN THE BACKGROUND Kevin Atkinson

Every night before I go to bed, I brush my teeth, I listen to some lowkey music, I do a three step skincare regimen and then dry my face on a towel that hasn’t been washed in weeks.

I crawl into bed and let my phone illuminate my freshly moisturized face as I give my next hour to tik tok videos that have migrated over to Instagram. Those teens probably have a better skin care regimen than me and it’s called being 16.

Out of my price range unfortunately. To actually get to sleep I have to deceive myself. I cannot just sit there in silence any longer and let my mind fill in the blanks in between cars driving up my street and late night partygoers stumbling home. If I do I’ll think about the Bad Things.

Luckily, a tiny corner of Youtube has provided me what no sleeping pill could ever.

Every night for the last month, I’ve opened the little red app, typed in “TV background noise” and drifted off to the sounds of 90s sitcoms and commercials, blasting zingers and jingles and canned laughter into my head as the clock reaches the early hours of the morning.

There is no greater luxury than falling asleep to the TV. It’s a first world indulgence accessible to anyone with a pair of rabbit ears and a comfy couch.

The rhythmic shuffle of the setups, punchlines, and laugh tracks blur into something that resembles a form of alien English, like the way you can pick out a word or two in another language out

of a sea of foreign gibberish. Bright colors dance on the ceiling turning your living room into a lofi disco. It brings me to a simpler time and place, curled up on a couch in my childhood home on a Saturday night, unburdened by taxes or messy relationships or the fact that my house just got broken into and I don’t have renter’s insurance. Unaware of any time but the present. I think this is part of what makes sitcom stars timeless - at any time, somewhere in America, a twelve year old is turning on the TV well past the time he told his parents he was in bed, and is falling asleep to the sounds of Lucille Ball, to Steve Urkel, to Fran Drescher, now living in immortality on Nick at Nite. Fragmented bits of content spliced between 10-minute long informercials advertising the latest development in tupperware organizational technology are seldom recognized at the Emmy’s, yet I’d argue they play a larger role in the average person’s life than a star-turn for Elizabeth Moss. It’s our first experience with midnight intimacy. Over the years you’ll spend your nights with friends and lovers, but in the meantime, these characters are your surrogates in the depths of the night.

Since I started on this journey, I sleep better - I wake up without having to hit snooze on alarms in five minute increments. I’ve struggled with insomnia for years. A stray thought will have me scrolling through a high school aquaintance’s Instagram to see if they’re still a tattoo artist.

Now, I couldn’t care less about that tattoo artist. As long as I can hear a muffled Matthew Perry talk to a muffled Lisa Kudrow, I’ll finally know peace.

Jessie Rubini

Thoughts with Lily Lily Mandell

04/01 Tell me how you got that pretty little frame on that pretty little nightstand girl Mario and Luigi except it’s the Franco brothers I cannot imagine sharing a room the rest of my life ew marriage no ifs ands or buts is a bonkers phrase 02/11 We didn’t deserve iCarly like it stands Spencer Shay could get it 02/03 Curly hair rox JoJo siwa is almost 18?????

Extra!!

01/28 Small spoons are just better?

Alan Sucks I don’t know Alan Camp Rock on Broadway 01/25 Ketchup man Don’t fuck with Abby Lee Miller What is the point of cottage cheese like sheesh it has no purpose

Reje cte d Satire Pitches Kevin Atkinson

Boyfriend Twins Speak In Secret Language That’s Just AAVE

Queer Elders Reflect: This Gay Man Is 29

Peter Michaelson, 27, and Michael Peterson, 29, share more than just a dildo together; these boyfriend twins also share a secret language that they use to communicate with each other, but unlike biological twins who construct their own language, the pair just use AAVE. The couple, who are both 100% caucasian according to a recent 23andme test, refer to each other as “sis” and “chile” for fun while they grab lunch in between working at their respective hedge fund management/oil conglomerate corporations, and regularly refer to other people, places, and objects as “ratchet” and “thots”. Though these terms have been confirmed to be created by black women and black drag queens because of and in response to white patriarchal linguistics, Michaelson and Peterson maintain that they invented it and that this is simply how they communicate, hunty.

Linguists have been studying the couple ever since Michaelson and Peterson met in college, where they first met both other gay people and black women for the first time. Though it’s hard to pinpoint the onset of the couple’s linguistic patterns, experts estimate it’s somewhere between RuPauls’ Drag Race season 6 and 7.

Given how much relative privilege young gay people have today, it’s easy to forget that generations of queer people struggled before us and paved the way for queer acceptance. Local 29 year old gay man, Marlo Penner is a reminder of just how far we’ve come. “I remember a time when Grindr’s AI was like, weirdly 3d, and you had to scroll on an iPhone 4,” Penner said, as he a nurse began to change hisbedpan and catheter. “I mean, I look at what the kids are doing these days and I’m so jealous, but at the same time, I’m glad I could be one small part of changing things for them.

New Queer Netflix Show Already Cancelled

Op-Ed: I Got Hit By The Bait Bus

Within minutes of the debut of the new queer Netflix show “Scissor Sisters”, spokesmen for the streaming giant announced that the show would be cancelled due to low ratings. “We were trying to make Emily in Paris but like, lesbians,” said Sam Wainright, director of content at Netflix, “but in the three minutes it was available for consumption, there just didn’t appear to be much interest.”

It was an ordinary Saturday afternoon, a spring in my step and a smile on my face, that the unthinkable happened. A medium sized white van containing one heterosexual woman, one homosexual man, and one heterosexual man engaging in what can only be described as “trickery and tomfoolery” careened down my Christian country lane, sending me and my beautiful straight (white) wife into the air. The driver had apparently become “simply too horned-up” about the shenanigans occurring in the back seat, in which a fine upstanding young man is deceived into having sexual intercourse with what he is led to believe is a blonde Jackie Onassis-type and is in fact some kind of twinkie Mary Magdalene. Flying through the air after being hit by the so-called Bait Bus, I realized whatever fate was to befall me was nothing compared to the hoodwinking that this young man had been put through, so much that I did not even feel when both my femurs and coccyx were shattered by a stray fraternity paddle that had been thrown from the vehicle.

Y KNOT A

C O M E D Y

Z I N E

Y KNOT A

JANUARY 2021

C O M E D Y

Z I N E

JOKES ESSAYS CARTOONS AND OTHER DUMB SHIT