Kettlewell Scarecrow Festival Joke Book

Kettlewell Scarecrow Festival

Joke Book

Sending you laughter and ♥ in these strange times.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud!

Where do sheep go on holiday?

Baa-bados!

Where do sheep keep their money?

Baa-clays Bank!

Where do sheep get their wool cut?

At the baa-bars!

My friend asked me to round up his 37 sheep.

What did the farmer say when he saw the sheep come over the hill?

“Here come the sheep coming over the hill.”

What did the farmer say when he saw the sheep come over the hill, wearing dark sunglasses?

Nothing. He didn’t recognise them.

My friend asked me to round up his 37 sheep.

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

What do sheep watch on telly?

Baa-gain Hunt What do sheep listen to on their iPods?

Baa-nanarama What’s a sheep’s favourite cereal crop? My friend

Baa-leyasked me to round up his 37 sheep.

What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

Why was the sheep arrested on the motorway?

A woolly jumper.

For doing a ewe turn!

Two cows were out in a field eating grass.

One cow turns to the other cow and says, “Moooooo!”

“Hey”, the other cow replies…. “I was just about to say that!”

What did the buffalo say when his little boy left for school?

Bison!

First sheep: “Baa” Second sheep: “Moo” First sheep: “What do you mean, ‘Moo’?”

Second sheep: “I’m learning a foreign language!”

Teacher: “Where were you born?”

Pupil: “Yorkshire.”

Teacher: “Which part?”

Pupil: “All of me.”

Why do French people never eat more than one egg at a time?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

What do you get if you cross a cow, a sheep and a baby goat?

The milky baa kid.

Did you hear about the wooden tractor?

It had wooden wheels, wooden brakes and wooden doors.

It wooden go!

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

First man: “I once knew a man with a wooden leg named Wilson.”

Second man: “Really? What was his other leg called?

I asked my Yorkshire friend, “Did you have a good summer?”

He replied, “Yes indeed, we had a lovely time that afternoon.”

What do you call 6 weeks of rain in Yorkshire?

Summer.

Q. How does a farmer count his cows?

A.With a cow-culator!

What did the cow say to her calf?

It’s pasture bedtime!

Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your apple!

What do you call a lamb with a machine gun?

My friend asked me to round up his 37 sheep.

I said 40.

A b-aa-aa-d situation.

Dad: Don’t break wind in front of me, son.

What do you call a snowman in the Son:up Sorry, Dad, I didn’t summer My friendholidays? asked me to round his 37 sheep. know it was your turn.

A puddle.

My friend asked me to round up his My friend What do you call a 37 sheep.

Jack claims happy mushroom? he can communicate A fungi. with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

What do you get if you cross alphabet spaghetti with a bomb?

I don’t know, but if it goes off it could spell disaster.

First boy: “Why is your pet called Tiny?”

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It went down the lane and turned into a field.

What kind of bee can’t be understood?

A mumble bee.

Second boy: “Because he’s my newt.”

Did you hear about theup sheepdog trails?

My friend asked me to round his 37 sheep.

Where should you weigh a whale?

At a whale-weigh station.

What’s brown and runs round fields?

A fence.

Two of the dogs were found guilty.

My friend asked me to round up his 37 sheep.

Man: “Doctor, doctor, I seem to be getting smaller.”

Doctor: “Well, you’ll have to be a little patient.”

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

If they flew over the bay they’d be called bagels.

If you say gullible slowly, it sounds like oranges.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

A bear walks into a pub and says " A pint of lager and a ……………………………… ……………………………… packet of crisps please" The bartender replies "Why the big pause?"

The bear answers, “I don't know, I’ve always had them!”

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

What did zero say to eight?

Nice belt!

Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she’ll let it go, let it go…

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

With jam in!

Why don’t polar bears eat penguins?

Because they can’t get the wrappers off!

What do you call a T Rex with headphones?

Anything you like He can’t hear you.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

A little old lady.

A little old lady who?

Hey - I didn’t know you could yodel!

What did the policeman say to his tummy?

You’re under a vest.

What goes ha ha bonk?

A man laughing his head off!

What do you call cheese that’s not yours?

What goes up the river at 100 miles an hour?

Nachos cheese.

A motor-pike.

What animal is it best to be on a cold day?

What do you call a cat with 8 legs?

A little otter.

An octo-puss.

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and 1 eye?

A winky wonky.

Why did the kid cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

Teacher: “You can’t sleep in my class boy!”

Boy: “I know sir. But maybe I could if you were a little quieter.

Why did the bees go on strike?

Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.

An English cat called One Two Three challenged a French cat called Un Deux Trois to a race across the English Channel. Which cat won?

One Two Three, because the Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq!

What do chickens dream of?

The day they can cross the road without their motives being questioned.

I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know y.

I know a lot of jokes about retired people.

But none of them work.