6 TUESDAY, April 1, 1991 ● THE JUSTICE
the
Justice
Brandeis University
Conceived 1949
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Flagel presidency long overdue In an exclusive email to the Justice, University President Frederick Lawrence announced that he will be ending his term as president. In his place, Senior Vice President for Students and Enrollment Andrew Flagel will assume the position beginning May 1. While we are extremely disappointed to see Mr. Lawrence leave after his prolific career at Brandeis spanning three years, we are pleased to welcome Dr. Flagel who has already demonstrated his unyielding eagerness to involve himself in all sectors of the University. Dr. Flagel has become an integral part of our community through his voracious appetite to participate to the fullest extent. Whether he is managing the managers in the Department of Community Living, overseeing the institution of the dining services provider Sodexo or even bolstering school spirit at the University’s sporting events, we appreciate that he is so intimately involved in the functioning of the campus. It’s truly only a question of whether Dr. Flagel has enough time and energy to do everything his overbroad job title entails. To that end, we encourage Dr. Flagel to continue expanding his purview into all aspects of student life as he assumes the presidency. To best facilitate this, we urge the Board of Trustees to consider selecting Dr. Flagel as a trustee to begin serving on the Board by the next academic year. While somewhat unorthodox, we believe having the University president simultaneously serve on the Board will enable him to
Continue micromanaging fully immerse himself in the decisionmaking of the institution. As a Board member, Dr. Flagel will be able to successfully recognize Greek life. As the Justice recently reported, sources indicate Dr. Flagel has already been discussing official integration of Greek life into our campus. We hope with his this new position Dr. Flagel will finally convert the University into his vision of an enthusiastically spirited institution. Moreover, while having a representative Student Union may be ideal for advocating for the community, this duty would be more fully satisfied by replacing the entire Union completely with Dr. Flagel himself. Indeed by dissolving the student government, we would be substituting several layers of unnecessary bureaucracy with one efficient voice who undoubtedly has the best interests of the community in mind. Among the characteristics we admire the most of Dr. Flagel is his apparent agreeability. His charisma reels unsuspecting victims into his web, and his seemingly personable nature revives even the most idle of conversations. We’re glad our new president embodies these qualities given the importance of forging and maintaining close relationships with donors and alumni. As he begins the presidency next month, we wish him luck and ensure the community stands with him in solidarity. #rolldeis.
TZIPORAH TASTYCAKE/the Justice
Views the News on
After the recent annexation of Ukraine’s Crimea region, Russian President Vladimir Putin has found himself puttering around in the Kremlin Palace searching for new land to conquer. The ex-KGB agent’s next territory will need to be strategically advantageous in some way, but there are plenty of places out there in the world. What country or territory do you think Putin will invade next?
Gov. Chris Christie As Russia’s relations with the United States grow tougher and tenser, there’s no doubt that Vladdy will be looking to gain territory closer to his enemies. But where on the continental United States could a hated Russian power-monger seize control without anyone caring about it? Simple: New Jersey. The State has oil refineries every seven feet making it tactically useful, and annexing the Jersey Shore would put America in the tricky diplomatic position of wanting to thank someone for taking over. Putin’s only true fear in conquering the Garden State is that too many white-tailed deer may run on to the Turnpike, forcing his tanks and armored vehicles to grind to a halt each and every time, as the deer stare into the headlights and cannon barrels for minutes on end before finally running off. Still, New Jersey residents do not have even the freedom to pump their own gas, so adjusting to an oppressive post-Soviet society should be no problem. Chris Christie is the Governor of New Jersey, known for “BridgeGate.”
Friendly Neighborhood Leprechaun As per the annexation of Chlamydia, I mean Crimea, Putin has shown a tendency to strive for new land with similar cultural backgrounds to the mother country. Following that trend points Moscow’s next target at Ireland. Russia is world renowned for their abhorrent love of vodka, as stated by Richard Owen, “The relationship between a Russian and a bottle of vodka is almost mystical.” Therefore it is only natural for Russia to invade another country with a similar love of alcohol. Ireland is world renowned for their affection for beer, and would fit in nicely with the Russian culture. Moreover, Putin has implemented his world domination plan in precise order, as the saying goes “Beer (Ireland) before liquor (Ukraine) never been sicker, liquor before beer you’re in the clear.” Don’t worry Mr. Putin, you are certainly taking it in the rear...I mean beer.
Don’t nurture faculty alcoholism With the change in dining provider from Aramark to Sodexo this past year has come a host of changes to campus dining. The addition of Dunkin’ Donuts in lieu of the Village Market, the kosher deli in exchange for Quiznos, 18 new coffee shop locations throughout campus, a socialist meal plan policy and the addition of a Paula Deen style strip club in The Stein have all been viewed as welcome changes by the student body. Unfortunately though, there is one substantial shift in both policy and practice that raises our metaphorical eyebrows: the recent selling of beer and wine in Usdan Boulevard on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights. Although we applaud the effort to properly lubricate the student body, this board vehemently opposes such a decision on both a practical and philosophical level. Practically speaking, this addition of alcohol to upper campus only facilitates the greater trend being exhibited on campus as of late, mainly faculty excessively drinking, and even reporting to class drunk on campus. Two years ago this newspaper reported that Ivana Imbibe, a swim instructor who had been hired as an assistant in the Athletics Department was found intoxicated and unresponsive in the Linsey Pool. Imbibe was then allegedly terminated the next day by Dean of Arts and Sciences Susan Birren. Moreover, in the past few months there have been numerous reports of a Politics professor routinely falling asleep—colloquially referred
Give Jehuda money instead to as passing out—in the library while aimlessly yelling, and simultaneously brushing his teeth with various lime flavored sodas. The serving of alcoholic beverages on campus, especially in a location in upper campus, only encourages this lackluster behavior of professors. Philosophically speaking, the addition of alcohol on campus runs counter to the mission of social justice and supreme awkwardness of the University. Knowing Sodexo’s tendency to operate at a loss to bring lower costs to students, as well the substantial cost of quality beer and wine, we worry the University will take too big of a hit to their bottom line for this added service to the campus. We do worry how the University will manage to pay the salary of President Emeritus Jehuda Reinharz, a man who has helped the lives of millions of asses across the country, with this added burden of supplying alcohol to campus. At the end of the day, this board applauds the efforts of the University to increase the transparency and accessibility of alcohol on campus. Unfortunately though, we fear the faculty will be unable to control themselves with the inculcation of alcohol to campus. Moreover, we maintain our lord and savior Jehuda Reinharz deserves his salary to be guaranteed, which is something the cost of alcohol on campus may impede.
Leprechaun holds a degree in Beerology from the University of Guinness.
Sarah Palin Look I’ve been saying for years that I can see Russia from my back porch. Russia is coming for Alaska and we better start paying attention to it. I can already tell that he’s starting to rear his head into our air space. And Alaska’s got the great resources supporting the backbone of our country—resources we simply cannot afford to give up. Alaska is two times the size of Texas for God’s sake, so take that Rick Perry. I may not read magazines, but I know what they are saying: Putin’s coming for Alaska and we have got to prepare. He’s a maverick. Sarah Palin was the 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate.
Edward Snowden If my wiretap of his phone calls and emails are any indication, Putin is an extremely elusive figure. He seems to be aware that he is being observed, by the world as well as the inner members of his own administration. From my wiretapping endeavors so far, I’ve been able to determine that there are several locations that he is considering moving into next. Among these, he is considering Malaysia, perhaps in the wake of the rumors of the government’s involvement in the disappearance of Flight 370. While my Russian is a little rusty, I was able to pick up either Pakistan or Afghanistan. Or maybe it was Uzbekistan. Anyway, it ended in “stan.” My software was also able to recognize the passing mention of “Al-Qaeda” and “plane.” I don’t want to jump the gun, but it’s possible in his next invasion he may incorporate outside aid from a terrorist organization. Brazil doesn’t have the best wifi, but we’re hoping continued monitoring of Putin’s communications will confirm our questions of his next move. Edward Snowden is a former employee of the National Security Agency seeking asylum in Brazil.