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Justice

Volume XXX, Number 69

www.thejustice.org

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

RESIDENCE LIFE

CHANGING OF THE GUARDS

University to build new campus dorm ■ Administrators announce

plans to construct new residence halls throughout the campus. By gLEN cHAGI dOPE bUBBA kUSH

JOSH ASSASSIN OF YOUTH/the Justice

MAKING MOVES: With President Frederick Lawrence's resignation, the University considers new options to accommodate change.

Lawrence resigns his post, Flagel assumes presidency

■ After citing differences of

opinion, Frederick Lawrence resigns from presidency. By MARISSA DANK gOD'S GIFT

Last night University President Frederick Lawrence announced in an exclusive email to the Justice he will resign as president, effective at the end of this month. Senior Vice President for Students and Enrollment Andrew Flagel will take over as president at the end of Lawrence’s term, according to the email. Lawrence, who is currently in India, could not be reached directly for contact by press time. According to Senior Vice President for Communications Ellen de Graffenreid in an email to the Justice, Lawrence would have addressed the Brandeis community in-person to make the announcement had he not been in India. When asked why Lawrence decided to step down, de Graffenreid wrote that he felt that “it was his time.” At this point, de Graffenreid noted that he had a “different vision” for Brandeis than his colleagues and other administrators. “We discussed his options at

the institution and the administration collectively came to the conclusion that we and President Lawrence had very different goals for the University. It was a very difficult decision to move forward without President Lawrence, however, we believe we have made the right choice in encouraging him to pursue other opportunities,” de Graffenreid wrote. Flagel, who will assume his role as president on May 1, said in an interview with the Justice that he is excited to take on this position. “I have been waiting for this moment for a long time, and have been working toward this by taking on as many responsibilities as possible,” he said. “I have been a great presence on campus and feel that I really have an idea of what the students want to see.” Lawrence’s career has been filled with several accomplishments. “He makes less money than [President Emeritus] Jehuda Reinharz. That’s a step up, I guess,” said Senior Vice President of Institutional Advancement Nancy Winship in an interview with the Justice, reminiscing on Lawrence’s time as president. According to de Graffenreid, Lawrence is also “very good” at talking to donors. She wrote that he has been an “integral part” of Brandeis operations

This past Thursday, University officials announced the budgetary allocation to construct numerous new dormitories on campus. The building of new residence halls is part of the University's strategic plan, which was announced last year. “The strategic plan calls for the modernization of current residence halls, as well as the creation of new ones to increase capacity for incoming students,” wrote Senior Vice President for Students and Enrollment Andrew Flagel in an email to the Brandeis community. “We want to share the wonderful experience that is Brandeis with as many students as possible. It's the Brandeisian way.”

Each dorm will be sukkah-style: at least two-and-a-half semi-sturdy walls, with an all-natural tree branch ceiling. Students designated to live in the new dorms will have to use the facilities of a nearby building, as the dorms will not include a bathroom. Flagel, however, did assure students that each dorm will be given a complimentary trash receptacle. “We are really excited about the trash cans— we’ve invested quite a bit of capital in state of the art receptacles. The location of the new dorms has yet to be determined, although will most likely be sporadically placed throughout campus. “Outside Sherman where the sukkah is built in October is a logical choice,” said Flagel. “Or maybe by Lown in Rabb.” When asked about the need for heating throughout the cold winter months, Senior Vice President for Communications Ellen de Graffenreid responded, “I’m not really sure. Maybe we can try out a fire pit in each sukkah, although that may pose a problem with the wooden roof.”

STUDENT ACTIVISM

Newly chartered club fights for turkey rights

and of the Brandeis community. “One time he came to the basketball game to support us. He’s really a great guy,” said Assistant Vice President for Health and Wellness and Director of Athletics Sheryl Sousa '90 in an interview with the Justice. “Maybe this is a coincidence, but, there were also a ton of alumni there.” Lawrence has also been working on attracting international students to the University, as displayed by his current whereabouts. In his last trip, Lawrence focused on recruiting prospective students from Greenland, as well as the sparsely populated Arctic Circle. Lawrence wrote in the press release that he will not be attending this year’s commencement ceremony, but that he wishes all of the graduating seniors “all the best.” “I will actually be out of the country at that specific time,” he wrote. “However, I have every confidence that Dr. Flagel will see you off to a bright future and inspire you all to tap into your great abilities at commencement.” Lawrence also added that Flagel has been essentially planning such events as commencement. “I have sort of taken a back seat, especially with all of my traveling. Dr. Flagel has been a great help,” he wrote.

■ Brandeis Turkey Vigil

is making efforts to raise awareness to secure and protect campus turkeys. By avi goldEN lEAF kOSHER KUSH

A growing number of students have recently made an effort to recognize the rights of an underrepresented group on campus. Nearly 250 students are calling for an increase in the rights extended to the turkeys found around the University grounds, claiming that the turkeys—as yearround residents—deserve similar rights to the students who live on campus for a mere eight months. The students have organized themselves into the newly chartered Brandeis Turkey Vigil, a club whose mission is to “increase awareness of the turkeys on the campus and extend rights to these beautiful birds,” according to club member Noam Cohen ’16. In an interview with the Justice,

Cohen said that most students were largely indifferent to the presence of the turkeys on campus until a now famous, but unfortunate, accident occurred on Jan. 30 when a turkey smashed into a window in Hassenfeld-Krivof in East Quad. The incident was captured on video and uploaded to YouTube where it quickly went viral, gaining nearly 400,000 views. “What people don’t understand is that those turkeys were in the area for a specific reason,” said Cohen. “The Brandeis campus, specifically East Quad, is a fertile ground for catching bugs, worms and other food. The turkeys flock there for a quick bite to eat.” After the video went viral, a fierce debate erupted concerning the future of the birds at a February Senate meeting. At the meeting, a number of senators called for the University to get rid of the turkeys but could not offer any solution as to what to do with the birds, while others maintained that the turkeys had a place on the campus.

See FOWLS, 4 ☛

Building history

Shooting up

Campus creeper

The history of architecture on the Brandeis campus offers an interesting story of diversity.

 The Celtics are coming back to Brandeis to once again practice in Gosman Shapiro Gym.

 Peeping Tom caught peeping on himself in the Varsity weight room.

FEATURES 7 For free hugs, email editor@thejustice.org

Waltham, Mass.

Let your voice be heard! Send an Owl or Howler to the Office of the President in Bernstein-Marcus.

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ALCOHOL METH

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PUTIN COCK

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2

TUESDAY, April 1, 1547

THE JUSTICE

NEWS SENATE LOG

Union bickers efficiently on issues This past Sunday, the Senate ensconced itself in a top secret location (later discovered by the Justice to be Prof. Martin Levin’s (POL) real office in Olin-Sang) to discuss whether or not to charter a new group on campus: the Brandeis Libertarian-ish Conservative-y Union. Justin Feldman ’14, founder of the hopeful club, presented to the Senate to kick off the meeting. “Since the Judiciary recently decided to make the Brandeis Libertarian Conservative Union change its name, we thought we would step in with our variation of the concept and try our luck at getting chartered,” said Feldman at the meeting. Student Union Vice President Charlotte Franco ’15 emphasized to the gathered senators—five in total— that they were voting based strictly on duality of purpose with other clubs, or the lack thereof. After a relatively brief 10 hour-long debate, the members finally chartered the BL-ishC-yU. From outside in the hallway, James Wilson ’15, president of the Only Real Brandeis Libertarians, could be heard screaming “Aw, hell no!” as Franco banged her gavel, confirming the vote. “I mean, it seems like they’re really different from any of the other political groups we already have here on campus,” said a senator who never talks at meetings and was therefore unable to be identified. “They’re committed to being not libertarian, but libertarian-ish. I think a lot of politically confused Brandeis students will succeed in becoming even more confused with the help of this club,” he added. “If anyone would like to appeal the decision, he may bring it to the Judiciary,” Franco yelled pointedly out the door. With that business concluded, the Senate pressed on into the wee hours of the morning to address the rest of its agenda. Next, the assembly discussed the upcoming ‘Deis Day, the celebration of Brandeis school spirit scheduled for April 6. All agreed that they were “pretty stoked,” and that the parade, complete with floats, was going to be “totally socal justice-y!” At this point, a member of a club waiting to present to the Senate leaned over to check with this reporter whether or not the event was, in fact, taking place at Brandeis University, the small liberal arts research university in Waltham, Mass. known for its lack of a football team. “I’m going to get the word out to my constituents,” said one senator, “but probably just by posting a Facebook status and hoping they notice it.” The senators proceeded to the final item on the agenda, which was to open their laptops and collectively watch the March Madness championship game live streaming on ESPN with the volume turned down. As the senators disbanded, Franco suddenly remembered to take a head count. “Five of us? Only five?!?” she asked. Being unsure what the absence policy in the Senate’s bylaws was, it having been (somehow) amended and/or rewritten 237 times in the past six months, Franco decided to just remove all of the absent members from the Senate. The Student Union will hold its 29th round of elections this academic year on Thursday, to fill every Senate position except for those of the five senators who showed up to the March 30 meeting. This surpasses the previous Student Union record of 28 elections in a single academic year, set last week when the Union held its 28th vote for the position of Non-senate committee chair of the representatives to the committees of the Senate Quad Class senators. In the most recent round of voting, “abstain” won with 77 percent of the vote. In second with 11 percent was the ever popular write-in option, “Booby McBooberson.” “This is why we can’t have nice things,” read Secretary Sneha Walia’s ’15 email to the student body, announcing the special election. “Please, somebody— just run.”

POLICE LOG Medical Emergency

Mar. 19—BEMCo responded to an emergency call from the Office of Communications. Upon arrival, staff in the office were unsure as to why they might have called BEMCo nor were they aware of what BEMCo was. BEMCo departed the scene. Mar. 20—University Police received a report that a student had fallen down Rabb steps and was experiencing serious bleeding. BEMCo responded and the student was given a band-aid. Mar. 21—University Police received a report of an injury in the Shapiro building. BEMCo spent several hours searching several Shapiro buildings but they could not locate the individual. Mar. 21— An individual was found in the basement of Shapiro Residence Hall after calling BEMCo several hours earlier. The matter is under investigation as to why the student was not found.

Jew Stuff

Mar. 23—A Sodexo staff mem-

ber called police to report that a student had walked into the Louis’ deli in the Usdan Student Center with an open cup of milk. The deli prohibits the presence of dairy products, in accordance with kosher law. University police escorted the individual from the premises.

Fire

Mar. 18—University police and the Waltham Fire Department responded to a fire alarm in Lown. Upon determining the location of the fire, University police saw that President Emeritus Jehuda Reinharz had started a bonfire with petty cash in order to provide additional heat to his office. The Waltham Fire Department extinguished the fire. Mar. 24—University police and the Waltham Fire Department responded to 14 fire alarms on Wednesday evening from the Village. Upon investigation, police determined that the body heat from a student standing within five feet of the

smoke detector triggered the alarm. University police deactivated the entire fire detection system for the Village and placed a moratorium on cooking in the Village kitchen.

Miscellaneous

Mar. 23—A resident of the Foster Mods called University police early Saturday evening to report car headlights seen in the woods adjacent to the Mods. University Police responded and, upon investigation, determined that the headlights came from another University Police car that was parked in the woods to watch for any parties that evening. Mar. 27—University Police received reports of a suspicious party on campus late Friday evening. The party was seen walking past the Shapiro Campus Center in a hoodie, arriving at the Goldfarb Library, and banging on the doors. University Police approached the party, only to find that it was

#SELFIE @ THE COCK AWARDS

—Tate Kief

CORRECTIONS AND CLARIFICATIONS n A first-year student in Deroy Hall is reportedly pregnant. The deputy editor regrets this error. n A photo in News mistook a picture of a senior administrator for a Flying Monkey from the Wizard of Oz. We regret the error, but we swear the person had wings and fur. The Justice welcomes submissions for errors that warrant correction or clarification. Email editor@ thejustice.org.

Justice

the

www.thejustice.org

The Justice is the rockin’ student newspaper of Brandeis University. The Justice is published every day of the academic year with the exception of when we are hungover, drunk or too tired. Stop by for Editor in Chief office hours and we can show you a good time. Editor News Forum Features Sports Arts Ads Photos Managing Copy Layout

bosslady@thejustice.org beyonce@transparency.org bitchplease@thejustice.org storytime@thejustice.org sports@soathletic.org minions@icanteven.org giveme$$$@thejustice.org clickclick@thejustice.org whatsfordinner@food.org oxfordcomma@apstyle.org blueline@indesign.org

The Justice League Brandizzle University Mailstop 6969 P.O. Box 549110 Waltham, MA 02454-9110 Phone: (781) PAR-TAYY

MORGAN DIMEBAG/the Justice

Some of Brandeis’ favorite administrators gather for a selfie while at the Consistently Outstanding College Karegivers (COCK) Awards, where they all received numerous accolations for their handiwork.

Prof. Martin Levin (POL). He had left his car keys in the library and had attempted to retrieve them. University Police opened the library and waited while Levin located his keys. Mar. 31—A student called University Police after becoming trapped in the tunnels of Hassenfeld Residence Hall. The student was retrieved and police set up security blockades to prevent further exploration of the tunnels.

Ew

Mar. 29—A student lifeguard called police to report that a swimmer had defecated in the Linsey Pool. University Police contacted the Middlesex County Biohazard Response Team to clear the area and purify the water. The swimmer was determined to be a tenured faculty member and was promptly released. —compiled by Twerkin’ Turkey

BRIEF Housing lottery a success Two weeks ago, the University community was immersed in the housing selection process for the 2014 to 2015 academic year. For the first time, the Department of Community Living has allowed students to utilize an online website to select their housing choices. It is only now that the department has released a full report on the on-campus housing situation for next year. While the number of available dorms does not fluctuate between years, housing does not always reach capacity. The reason for this is completely unknown (who doesn’t want to live in a mold-infested apartment?) However, this year, every available upper and underclassman dorm on campus was selected for housing. Moreover, while every student that had requested housing may not have been able to receive a place on campus, DCL has been able to find accommodations for every inanimate object that had put in a request. The maroon and beige furniture has again been given the monopoly of the Shapiro Campus Center Atrium, along with the tall varnished wooden tile chairs and accompanying table. In the beginning of the semester, there was some question as to whether the SmartMeter financed by the Brandeis Sustainability Fund would remain in its niche in the atrium given its abysmal lottery number this year. However, after the tablet in the mezzanine level of the Farber Library pulled in the ’70s Mod furniture, the $25,000 plasma television screen was able to retain its place, despite the indifference and ignorance of the student body to its existence. Moreover, DCL was able to secure housing for the potted plants often seen decorating the halls of the Gryzmish Administration Building as well as the door stops often utilized to prop open the office doors of the administrators. After waiting with bated breath, DCL confirmed the post-modern concrete benches adorning Fellow’s Garden will be available in their current places for students to comfortably sit on or ignore, if they choose. —Shafaq Chronic

ANNOUNCEMENTS Extremely Interesting Guest Speaker

Rod Blagojevich, former Illinois governor and current convict, received temporary release to speak at Brandeis on the art of lies and deception. Blagojevich will talk about his experience in breaking the law and soliciting bribes for political appointments—not at all related to how Brandeis appointments are conducted. Today from 12:30 to 2:30 p.m. in Mailman House. No weapons or sharp objects, please.

Miley Cyrus

No, our favorite ex-Disney Channel star is not coming to campus, but Prof. Jerry Cohen (AMST) will lead an engaging discussion on pop culture and the media. The discussion will focus on how tongue movement affects one’s image. Tuesday from 4 to 5:30 p.m. in Intercultural Center Multipurpose Room.

Séance with Abram Sachar

This workshop will expose students to the

intricate process of conducting a sceance with deceased University presidents. Future workshops are planned with Evelyn Handler, the first and only female president, whose suspicious car accident resulted in her death. Thursday from 10 p.m. to 2 a.m.. in the basement of Usdan Student Center.

Generic Event for Social Justice

This event will benefit the prevention of destruction of the rainforest, testicular cancer research and starving children in Africa. The goal is to promote the vast social injustices of the world and make people feel really guilty that they actually have access to clean water. Sodexo will also provide free, day-old pizza, but no kosher, vegetarian, vegan or gluten-free options. Strippers will also be present at the event with all donations going to a charitable organization, so bring your singles! Wednesday from 5 to 9 p.m. in Levin Ball-

room. Please wear Brandeis spirit attire.

Free Hebrew Class

Rev. Walter Cuenin will host a class to teach students Hebrew designed to promote cross-lingusitic dialogue and is open to all students, regardless of race, religion, language, gender, major or sexual orientation. Sponsored by Brandeis Interfaith Group, Chabad at Brandeis and Kehilat Sha’ar. Thursday from 2 to 8 p.m. in the Berlin Chapel.

Town Hall with Your Favorite Administrators

Join the Student Union and the administrators for an enlightening panel on the inner workings of the University. Administrators will answer all of your burning questions with complete honesty. Please prepare for the event by posting angry Facebook statuses. Friday from 7 to 8 p.m. in the Shapiro Campus Center Atrium. Gin and tonics and pizza bagels will be served.


THE JUSTICE

TUESDAY, April 1, 1985

3

donkey love

LOCA IN BOCA

Former President Reinharz awarded Nobel Prize for asses ■ President Emeritus Jehuda Reinharz dives into the world of the donkey for his newest research project. By andrew wACKY tERBACKY Super Skunk

MORGAN DIMEBAG/the Justice

SUN KISSED: Rapper Tupac, Justice Louis Brandeis and former Dean of Students Rick Sawyer enjoy the sun in Boca Raton, Florida outside the Rehabilitation Center.

Rick Sawyer found in Florida with Tupac and Louis Brandeis ■ Tupac and Justice Louis

Brandeis have been found alive at the Undead Research Rehabilitation Center. By shafaq Chronic Alaskan Thunder Fuck

Justice Louis Brandeis and hiphop artist Tupac Shakur have been found alive cohabiting a rehabilitation center in Boca Raton, Florida, according to an exclusive email to the Justice from former University Vice President for Student Affairs and Dean of Student Life Rick Sawyer. Though long believed to be deceased, Tupac and Justice Brandeis have been found alive and apparently housed in the Undead Research and Rehabilitation Center (URRC) for the past several decades. According to Sawyer’s email, the discovery

was made after Sawyer began volunteering at the Center following his retirement from the University last summer. In his email, Sawyer indicates that URRC was founded in 1959 and allegedly provides deceased individuals with post-life sustaining options, such as ice chamber beds, nerve regeneration and the Frankenstein treatment, named after Shulamit Judith Frankenstein. The center functions for a number of reasons, such as organ harvesting, research on experimental treatments and their most popular service, reviving the dead. “I can say that we have had some very happy clients,” said the owner of the center, who spoke to the Justice under the condition of anonymity. “However, given the delicate and illegal nature of our practice, we can neither confirm nor deny the allegations posed by Mr. Sawyer.” While it remains unclear why

and because of whom Brandeis and Tupac were sent to the center, past employees have been able to provide information on Brandeis and Tupac’s stays. Abigail, a current staff nurse who has been working at the Center for the past decade, indicates that Brandeis was among the first patients to utilize the center. “After Justice Brandeis was brought back to his fully-functioning self, he seemed ecstatic to get back to his seat on the Supreme Court” said Abigail in a carrier pigeon interview with the Justice. “Of course we had to convince him that he was legally confirmed dead.” The center provides patients with several activities that volunteers such as a Sawyer may engage in, such as arts and crafts, a sushi rolling seminar and a lecture series entitled, “You’ve been revived; where to go from here.” When patients are not rehabili-

tating for the requisite 12 hours in their embalming baths, they are able to roam the Center’s 24-acre property, complete with a room to connect with dead spirits, a slurpee machine and a 13-person jacuzzi. In the time that Brandeis has been at the Center, he has forged a close friendship with Tupac, according to Sawyer. “They did not appear to get along at first, but I think they found some common ground in the importance of words with Justice Brandeis as a lawyer and Tupac as a rapper,” said Sawyer. “Justice Brandeis has been quietly putting together a secret album with Tupac to be released later this year under the pseudonym Beyonce. Even after his death, Justice Brandeis is still a model for peaceful arbitration.” Justice Brandeis and Tupac Shakur could not be reached for comment by press time because they were too hungover.

In an announcement Monday, the Nobel Prize Committee announced it would award President Emeritus Jehuda Reinharz a Nobel Peace Prize for his pioneering and enthralling work in the area of the donkey research. “There are smart donkeys, stupid donkeys, evil donkeys, etc., and no one has ever contemplated this on a large scale,” Reinharz told the Boston Globe. “It’s probably the most ambitious and fascinating topic I have ever contemplated.” Reinharz said he drew inspiration from Prof. Sabine von Mering (GRALL), who said Reinharz was treating the University like a donkey that shits gold. “It got me thinking of the fragile nature of the donkey’s bowel system and how I would like to explore the topic in an academic setting.” In a statement to the Brandeis community, University President Frederick Lawrence said he is in awe of his predecessor. “I am so proud of what Jehuda has accomplished,” said Lawrence. “I mean, look at me! The most ambitious thing I’VE ever studied is hate crimes! That’s at least two or three rungs below donkeys on the importance scale.” The news of the prize comes much to the dismay of professors and students who made light of Reinharz’s donkey research when it was first reported on by the Boston Globe, but comes to the delight of Crowd Control, the University’s improv comedy group. “This prize will give us endless material for our shows,” said Sam Gordon ’14. Reinharz said he appreciated the community’s reaction, and he has always felt an affinity for donkeys. “Donkeys and I have a lot in common. I felt an immediate connection” said Reinharz. “Really, when it comes down to it, I’m just an ass man.”

mischief managed

Brooten to spend sabbatical at Hogwarts School ■ Prof. Bernadette Brooten

(NEJS) has accepted a position as visiting professor to teach herbology. By phil Indica Granddadddy Purple

The Justice has confirmed that Prof. Bernadette Brooten (NEJS) will be spending her sabbatical this coming fall as a visiting professor at the Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Brooten, who is known to be a prolific gardener, will be teaching courses in herbology, the study of magical plants. Neville Longbottom, the herbologist at Hogwarts, will be on leave in Romania doing research on the relationship between plants and dragons.  Brooten will also co-teach a course with Minerva McGonagall, the retired transfiguration professor at Hogwarts, entitled “Feminism in

Witchcraft and Wizardry.” The Justice first got a hint of Brooten’s plans on YouTube.   In a widely-circulated video entitled “I didn’t know Turkeys could FLY?!” of a turkey flying into an East Quad dormitory window, Brooten can be momentarily spotted in the background waving what appears to be a well-carved tree branch in precise motions and seemingly muttering to herself.   Brooten declined to comment when asked about the incident, but a Justice reporter noticed a letter with the official Hogwarts seal on her desk and an orientation packet. When asked repeatedly whether Brooten was leaving to teach at Hogwarts, Dean of Arts and Sciences Susan Birren reluctantly confirmed in an interview with the Justice that Brooten would indeed be doing so in a visiting capacity for the fall semester.  “We were hoping that this wouldn’t get out, but it seems like that’s beyond us. We don’t want

others to start spreading rumors around,” Birren said.    Then, in a whispered voice, Birren expressed some alarm:  “Brooten runs this place.  All these initiatives that she’s pushed through about a living wage and sexual assault support have gotten approval because administrators know what she’s capable of.  That Boston Globe article with Jehuda where he sounded so awful? Brooten placed him under a Confundus Charm before the interview because she was so horrified at his salary in the 990 form.  And we can’t do anything.  She’s tenured, and there are no rules in the Faculty Handbook about magic.” Birren later asked the Justice not to publish those comments, saying she had forgotten to say they were off-the-record.                                                                                                         The Justice sent an email to Brooten to inquire about her sabbatical plans and received no reply.  A week later, however, an owl carrying a long handwritten letter from Brooten appeared in the Shapiro Cam-

pus Center Atrium, causing alarm among students present.   Brooten’s letter explained that she had gone to Hogwarts for two weeks in order to survey the Hogwarts greenhouse prior to her arrival in the fall and that she had received our email in King’s Cross station in London minutes before boarding the Hogwarts Express. In her letter, Brooten wrote that she was “excited to engage in the study and pedagogy of magical plants” and “looked forward to teaching alongside Minerva McGonagall, a scholar of the highest caliber.” She expressed her intention to expand her campus advocacy for a living wage at Brandeis “to the plight of house elves at Hogwarts, who work in the Hogwarts kitchen under poor conditions with little compensation.” Brooten also expressed remorse for the turkey crashing into the East Quad dormitory.  “My Levitation charm was actually making all of those turkeys fly over the

dormitory. I was distracted for a moment and misdirected one turkey, which flew right into someone’s window.  I apologize for that.  But I was surprised that people weren’t more inquisitive by that whole show of flight. As you surely know, turkeys cannot fly. That was magic.” Lastly, Brooten confirmed that she would be returning to Brandeis in the spring. “Now that everyone knows about my abilities, it might be a little complicated to return to Brandeis in the spring.  A campuswide Memory Charm will probably come in handy.” The Near Eastern and Judaic Studies department has hired Diane Moore, a senior lecturer from the Harvard Divinity School, to teach “NEJS 128A: Introduction to Christianity” in the coming fall semester to substitute for Brooten. Editor’s Note: The owl hasn’t left.  If anyone wants it, stop by the Justice office.  You can take it.


THE JUSTICE

TUESDAY, April 1, 2015

4

FOWLS: Raise awareness for campus turkeys

HANGING OUT

CONTINUED FROM 1 Although the Senate could not come to a decision at the February meeting, it paved the way for Brandeis Turkey Vigil, which has aimed to show the added benefits the turkeys bring to the University. BTV maintains that the turkeys serve as a natural alarm clock for the residents of East Quad, a natural pest control system and decrease the number of small rodents around campus. Members of BTV have also pointed to the distinct lack of coyote attacks since the turkeys came to campus earlier this year. “The turkeys do a lot of behind the scenes work that students don’t even realize, including nurturing all of the plant life that exists on campus,” said BTV Vice President Evie Notis ’16. “These turkeys clean up a lot of debris and keep the trees healthy yearround.” For Brandeis Turkey Vigil, however, education is not enough. The club has put in a formal petition to build oversized hen huts for the turkeys near East Quad, a permanent turkey representative on Student Union, turkey crossing signs around loop road

and additional flying space for the birds behind North Quad. “Without the benefit of opposable thumbs to hit a button, there’s no way to know a turkey wants to cross the street,” explained Notis. “No turkey deserves to be accidentally mowed down because some driver didn’t see them coming.” Senior Vice President for Students and Enrollment Andrew Flagel said in an interview with the Justice that while some of the goals are unattainable, the senior administration is thinking about the changes and has a framework for the signs on loop road, but offered no timetable as to when they would go up. “Social justice is not just about people,” said Flagel. “Turkeys have rights too, and it’s our job to make sure those rights are recognized.” Flagel did not comment on the possibility of adding a turkey representative to the Union, even though Brandeis Turkey Vigil  is pushing for the position to be created. “As students we’re not always going to be around, and the turkeys deserve to be able to look out for themselves,” remarked Cohen.

SODEXO

JOSH ASSASSIN OF YOUTH/the Justice

EXOTIC FOOD AND DANCE: Students enjoy Paula Deen's comfort food and a pole dance as a preview to the new restaurant.

Stein to be renovated into strip club, Paula Deen eatery ■ Paula Deen’s restaurant

and accompanying strip club have been chosen to replace The Stein in its current location. By brittany HASH BLUE DREAM

The Stein renovations will finally be completed on April 12, and will feature a Paula Deen’s A Butter Tomorrow restaurant in place of The Stein and a strip club in place of Brandeis After Dark, according to the Senate Dining Committee in an interview with the Justice. The Paula Deen restaurant replaces the previous plan to include a Guy Fieri Sports Bar on campus in the location. The strip club will keep the same name, giving new meaning to Brandeis After Dark. It will serve the same dining purpose that Ollie’s Eatery previously provided. As The Stein and Ollie’s functioned in the past, when the Paula Deen’s closes, Brandeis After Dark will open shortly after, featuring an all-you-can-eat breakfast bar and exotic dancing. “It is unclear whether we will hire only students or additional outside workers for the new Brandeis After Dark, but it will probably be a mixture of the two,” said Class of 2017 Senator and chair of the Senate

Dining Committee David Heaton. Heaton added that current workers of The Stein and Brandeis After Dark will have the option to continue working for either venue. “I didn’t earn much in tips at The Stein before, so this will be step up for me,” said David “The Hammer” Hammerman ’16, a student who says that he will continue working at Brandeis After Dark. Hammerman also said that he hopes the strip club will be gender inclusive. The Fair Pay Coalition has voiced concern over how the new workers will be paid, however. “Exotic dancers generally are paid in tips, and so our concern is that they will be given a lower hourly wage because of this,” said Andrew Miller ’15, a member of the coalition. Miller stated that the coalition is calling for a living wage for all dancers at the location. “I hope Sodexo sees this as an opportunity to rethink its wage policies. Everyone who works at Brandeis deserves to earn a living wage, including exotic dancers,” Miller said. The idea of putting a strip club in The Stein location was first proposed last year, according to Jay DeGioia, the Sodexo resident district manager. “This idea for the renovation was first proposed when Brandeis was negotiating a new contract,” said DeGioia. “While the contract only re-

quired a Stein renovation, this was always one of the options.” DeGioia confirmed that the popular breakfast food and waffle fries of Ollie’s will remain at Brandeis After Dark, moving to an all-you-can-eat option, similar to Sherman Dining Hall. Students will be able to use a meal swipe to enter Brandeis After Dark, and to use points as tips. Students will also be able to use points, WhoCash and cash to enter. Alcohol will be served at both the Paula Deen location and Brandeis After Dark. According to Heaton, Deen will visit campus to attend the opening of her restaurant and the club. Deen is launching this restaurant chain following a racial slur scandal last year. A student from Texas Christian University wrote, “I feel like I’m having a heart attack,” in her review of the flagship location of Deen’s restaurant. Menu items at the Paula Deen restaurant include fried cheesecake, grits pie, double chocolate gooey butter cake and Krispy Kreme bread pudding. Student Events will provide the first 200 students to arrive on opening night of the new Brandeis After Dark with dollar bills, and students who are over 21 with free drink tickets.

Request for additional Usdan cubbies denied ■ Despite a student petition,

Sodexo Resident District Manager Jay DeGioia rejected requests for a larger cubby area. By celine CANNABIS VORTEX

A request from students to increase the number of cubbies outside the Hoot Market was denied yesterday, due to reports that there simply is no more room to accommodate the blocks that students use to store their backpacks while they browse the market. About 450 students signed a petition that would add those units in front of the Hoot Market, but it was overruled by Sodexo Resident District Manager Jay DeGioia. Because of an increase in theft, the wooden cubbies were placed in front of the store for students to put their bags and backpacks on to prevent students from having any possible methods of stealing ever again. Originally, most students were confused as to what the shelves were for, but once they figured it out, they were in full support of the idea. “I love the idea of the cubbies. I’m really tired of seeing students taking all the candy and putting it into their bags thinking no one can see them,” said Selene Weiss ’14. Other allegations that led Facilities to the decision to build this unit included students stuffing pounds of sugar packets into their backpacks, piling three to seven boxes of sushi into their bags and packing in several stacks of notecards and notebooks to sell at a higher price during midterms.

WANTED

There have also been a number of reported Nutella jars that have gone missing, perhaps a result of midterms. In the past, Facilities have relied on the security cameras in the store both as a preventative measure against theft and as a possible solution. Moreover, workers at the Hoot Market are trained to be alerted by potentially thieving behavior. However, sometimes workers are lenient when they see students misbehaving. A Sodexo employee who did not wish to be identified, said, “I see it as harmless. It’s just a candy bar. The school can totally afford it.” In the past month, however, every space in the unit has been consistently filled, and in some cases, people are doubling up in the boxes. “It’s really frustrating when you come back to get your bag, and there’s another one stuffed right on top of it,” Sevana Meyer ’15 said. “We need at least three more of these cubbies in Usdan.” However, according to DeGioia, “There is simply no room to put in even one, let alone three more of these units here. We’re happy that students seem to like it and fight over the spaces for their bags, but it’s something we really can’t find room for in the time being." Instead of fulfilling the hopes of students to add more cubbies in front of the artificial plants in Lower Usdan, DeGioia confirmed that Facilities and Dining Services will be sure to add similar units outside each coffee shop on campus, namely, Einstein Bros. Bagels, Peet’s Coffee and Tea, Dunkin’ Donuts and the Starbucks in the library. These changes will take effect by next week.

watching buddy Contact Maddy at cookieeditor@lonely.org


just

features

THE JUSTICE

TUESDAY, april 1, 1948

VERBATIM | FORTUNE COOKIE When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out—because that’s what’s inside.

ON THIS DAY…

FUN FACT

President Emeritus Abram Sachar performed Brandeis’ first ritual sacrifice of firstyears in Massell Quad.

Usdan Student Center is built on an ancient Native American burial ground.

Desperate student starts up meth lab

JOSH ASSASSIN OF YOUTH/the Justice

HEAT IN THE KITCHEN: Can you really blame Isaac Jacobs ’16 and his assistant for starting a meth lab? Rumor has it some top administrators are his best clients.

Rising cost of tuition forces student to cook methamphetamine By marissa dANK GOD’S gIFT

Isaac Jacobs ’16 was a pre-med hopeful. He seemed to have a bright future, maintaining a coveted B average in “General Chemistry.” His classmates described him as a “quiet kid” who “sifted through Facebook during class like everybody else.” However, on Sunday, the Waltham Police Department arrested Jacobs after the department found sufficient evidence to convict him of cooking and supplying methamphetamine. After stealing approximately $6,000 worth of equipment from the Shapiro Science Complex, Jacobs made off with Sodexo’s food truck immediately following its hours of operation every weekend since its arrival to campus. No one caught onto his business until one of the food truck employees found several pounds of methamphetamine left unattended in the

truck the following morning. “I was confused. We do a lot of sketchy things here at night, especially when we have nothing to do and are waiting around for customers, but cooking meth is not one of them,” said the food truck employee who discovered the methamphetamine in an interview with the Justice. According to Jacobs in an interview with the Justice, he did not believe that he had any other options. Jacobs said that although he received financial aid upon his arrival at Brandeis, he received less financial aid this year, despite the tuition increase. “I just can’t afford to go to school here anymore,” he said. “Cooking was something I could do to make cash on the side. Not to mention, it’s all off the books.” When asked if he believed that he was the only student who resulted to odd side jobs and illegal or questionable tactics to pay for the

rising costs of college tuition, Jacobs said that “that would be hard to believe.” He could not provide any specific evidence, but said that he knew several individuals involved “in the trade” beside himself. Senior Vice President for Communications Ellen de Graffenreid provided details on the financial aid process and how the University decides whether or not a student requires aid in an email to the Justice. “If you need financial aid you receive it. If you don’t qualify, then we do not give you financial aid,” she wrote. When asked if Jacobs needed aid, she said she was unsure, as she did not have the numbers available. When told that he did not receive aid, she wrote that “in that case, he didn’t need it.” Jacobs said that a majority of his clients were not Brandeis students. However, he was well known throughout the Boston area. Suppliers referred to Jacobs as “Bohr,” because

he was just so “uninteresting,” said a supplier who wished to remain anonymous in an interview with the Justice. “You would never expect this guy to be a drug dealer. But he knew how to make some meth,” the supplier said. Police precincts throughout the Boston area had been attempting to track Bohr down, but to no avail. According to the Waltham Police Department, Jacobs probably would not have been discovered had he not “left a trail.” However, the department refused to comment further on the evidence that they found to convict Jacobs due to the fact that the situation is still under investigation. The department described his methamphetamine as “top quality” and “widely sought” throughout the Boston area. “I don’t know what he learned at Brandeis, but clearly he knew the chemistry well enough to pull off such an operation,” said the chief of police in an interview with the Justice.

A mother’s gift of food Jewish moms come to Louis’ Deli By jessie gANJA cHAMPAGNE kUSH

In order to fulfill the exponentially increasing student demands for the delectable delicacies of Louis’ Deli, Sodexo has begun to import Jewish mothers to feed the hungry students. The mothers will serve alongside current Sodexo staff to provide nutritious and authentic Jewish cuisine. The deli will also offer unlimited helpings as the mothers expressed concerns that students weren’t eating enough and needed some more meat on their bones. In an email to the Justice, Senior Vice President for Communications Ellen de Graffenreid explained that the presence of the Jewish mothers on campus is essential to meal plans. “We received thousands of emails asking for real Jewish food on campus and that’s exactly why Louis’ Deli was added to campus. Adding the Jewish mothers was just the next step in our process of Jew-ifying campus and showing our commitment to a baconand treif-free campus.” Sodexo started the lengthy search process nearly six months ago and spent countless hours and dollars interviewing applicants. The interview process included endless samples of food, serving up nearly 50 gallons of chicken noodle soup and hundreds of trays of kugel. Campus Executive Chef David LaFleur and Resident District Manager Jay DeGioia visited dozens of Jewish communities, especially over Yom Kippur when break fast showed off some of the best dishes Jewish mothers have to offer. “I’ve never had better bagels and lox in my life,” said LaFleur with a smile on his face in an interview with the Justice. DeGioia himself especially enjoyed the latkes they tested over Hanukkah, but the search process regrettably didn’t sample Passover favorites. “We’re really looking forward to seeing what

our Jewish mothers can whip up for Passover— they’ve hinted at classics such as matzah brei, matzah pizza and even five kinds of charoset,” explained DeGioia in an interview with the Justice. Registered dietitian Kate Moran, who works to meet the demands of specific dietary requirements of students, said in an interview with the Justice that the Jewish mothers have an innate understanding of what students require for their food needs. “The mothers just know exactly what a student needs, whether it’s chicken noodle soup while fighting a cold or late night hamentashen snacks to get through finals. Jew food is great stuff and I haven’t been able to fully grasp its mystical powers,” Moran explained. According to Miriam Schlausenberg, one of the new Jewish mothers, her role is indispensable on campus and is committed to making campus a better place—one mouth at a time. “I have an extreme passion for Jewish cuisine and feeding people. Nothing makes me happier than seeing someone with a plate full of brisket and a side of blintzes,” explained Schlausenberg with a tear in her eye. Fellow Jewish mother Rebecca Oppenheimer shared the same sentiments as her co-worker, explaining that she has already met with a committee of Jewish and non-Jewish students who all complained that they felt underfed and ignored. Oppenheimer, who raised seven kids, explained that college can be a stressful time and eating the right Jewish foods is key to students’ success: “these poor bubalas are nearly starving and I cannot imagine how neglected they must feel. It’s up to us to get rid of this bupkes food and get some good nosh on campus.” Students can expect to see the mothers, who have already planned events with kosher, vegan and gluten-free options, arriving on campus within the next week.

Detroit Free Press/MCT

100% KOSHER: The Jewish mothers will also live on campus among students to better understand the dietary and living habits of their new mishpocha.

5


6 TUESDAY, April 1, 1991 ● THE JUSTICE

the

Justice

Brandeis University

Conceived 1949

Celine Cannabis, Vortex Shafaq Chronic, Alaskan Thunder Fuck Jessie Ganja, Champagne Kush Tate Kief, Sour Diesel Andrew Wacky Terbacky, Super Skunk Phil Indica, Granddaddy Purple Rachel Doobie, Chernobyl Morgan Dimebag, Silver Haze Glen Chagi Dope, Bubba Kush Rebecca Blazed, Purple Eurkle Rachel Hemp, Maui Waui Brittany Hash, Blue Dream Schuyler Munchies, White Widow Adam Rotch, Big Buddha Cheese Max Toke, Herojuana Marissa Dank, God’s Gift Josh Assassin of Youth, Strawberry Cough Olivia Puff, Green Queen Jaime Bogart, Tangerine Dream Emily Shake, Purple Trainwreck Avi Golden Leaf, Kosher Kush Henry Mids, Pineapple Express Joshua Ju-Ju, Agent Orange Sara Droogies, Cannatonic Lilah Liberty Haze, Rainbow

Flagel presidency long overdue In an exclusive email to the Justice, University President Frederick Lawrence announced that he will be ending his term as president. In his place, Senior Vice President for Students and Enrollment Andrew Flagel will assume the position beginning May 1. While we are extremely disappointed to see Mr. Lawrence leave after his prolific career at Brandeis spanning three years, we are pleased to welcome Dr. Flagel who has already demonstrated his unyielding eagerness to involve himself in all sectors of the University. Dr. Flagel has become an integral part of our community through his voracious appetite to participate to the fullest extent. Whether he is managing the managers in the Department of Community Living, overseeing the institution of the dining services provider Sodexo or even bolstering school spirit at the University’s sporting events, we appreciate that he is so intimately involved in the functioning of the campus. It’s truly only a question of whether Dr. Flagel has enough time and energy to do everything his overbroad job title entails. To that end, we encourage Dr. Flagel to continue expanding his purview into all aspects of student life as he assumes the presidency. To best facilitate this, we urge the Board of Trustees to consider selecting Dr. Flagel as a trustee to begin serving on the Board by the next academic year. While somewhat unorthodox, we believe having the University president simultaneously serve on the Board will enable him to

Continue micromanaging fully immerse himself in the decisionmaking of the institution. As a Board member, Dr. Flagel will be able to successfully recognize Greek life. As the Justice recently reported, sources indicate Dr. Flagel has already been discussing official integration of Greek life into our campus. We hope with his this new position Dr. Flagel will finally convert the University into his vision of an enthusiastically spirited institution. Moreover, while having a representative Student Union may be ideal for advocating for the community, this duty would be more fully satisfied by replacing the entire Union completely with Dr. Flagel himself. Indeed by dissolving the student government, we would be substituting several layers of unnecessary bureaucracy with one efficient voice who undoubtedly has the best interests of the community in mind. Among the characteristics we admire the most of Dr. Flagel is his apparent agreeability. His charisma reels unsuspecting victims into his web, and his seemingly personable nature revives even the most idle of conversations. We’re glad our new president embodies these qualities given the importance of forging and maintaining close relationships with donors and alumni. As he begins the presidency next month, we wish him luck and ensure the community stands with him in solidarity. #rolldeis.

TZIPORAH TASTYCAKE/the Justice

Views the News on

After the recent annexation of Ukraine’s Crimea region, Russian President Vladimir Putin has found himself puttering around in the Kremlin Palace searching for new land to conquer. The ex-KGB agent’s next territory will need to be strategically advantageous in some way, but there are plenty of places out there in the world. What country or territory do you think Putin will invade next?

Gov. Chris Christie As Russia’s relations with the United States grow tougher and tenser, there’s no doubt that Vladdy will be looking to gain territory closer to his enemies. But where on the continental United States could a hated Russian power-monger seize control without anyone caring about it? Simple: New Jersey. The State has oil refineries every seven feet making it tactically useful, and annexing the Jersey Shore would put America in the tricky diplomatic position of wanting to thank someone for taking over. Putin’s only true fear in conquering the Garden State is that too many white-tailed deer may run on to the Turnpike, forcing his tanks and armored vehicles to grind to a halt each and every time, as the deer stare into the headlights and cannon barrels for minutes on end before finally running off. Still, New Jersey residents do not have even the freedom to pump their own gas, so adjusting to an oppressive post-Soviet society should be no problem. Chris Christie is the Governor of New Jersey, known for “BridgeGate.”

Friendly Neighborhood Leprechaun As per the annexation of Chlamydia, I mean Crimea, Putin has shown a tendency to strive for new land with similar cultural backgrounds to the mother country. Following that trend points Moscow’s next target at Ireland. Russia is world renowned for their abhorrent love of vodka, as stated by Richard Owen, “The relationship between a Russian and a bottle of vodka is almost mystical.” Therefore it is only natural for Russia to invade another country with a similar love of alcohol. Ireland is world renowned for their affection for beer, and would fit in nicely with the Russian culture. Moreover, Putin has implemented his world domination plan in precise order, as the saying goes “Beer (Ireland) before liquor (Ukraine) never been sicker, liquor before beer you’re in the clear.” Don’t worry Mr. Putin, you are certainly taking it in the rear...I mean beer.

Don’t nurture faculty alcoholism With the change in dining provider from Aramark to Sodexo this past year has come a host of changes to campus dining. The addition of Dunkin’ Donuts in lieu of the Village Market, the kosher deli in exchange for Quiznos, 18 new coffee shop locations throughout campus, a socialist meal plan policy and the addition of a Paula Deen style strip club in The Stein have all been viewed as welcome changes by the student body. Unfortunately though, there is one substantial shift in both policy and practice that raises our metaphorical eyebrows: the recent selling of beer and wine in Usdan Boulevard on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights. Although we applaud the effort to properly lubricate the student body, this board vehemently opposes such a decision on both a practical and philosophical level. Practically speaking, this addition of alcohol to upper campus only facilitates the greater trend being exhibited on campus as of late, mainly faculty excessively drinking, and even reporting to class drunk on campus. Two years ago this newspaper reported that Ivana Imbibe, a swim instructor who had been hired as an assistant in the Athletics Department was found intoxicated and unresponsive in the Linsey Pool. Imbibe was then allegedly terminated the next day by Dean of Arts and Sciences Susan Birren. Moreover, in the past few months there have been numerous reports of a Politics professor routinely falling asleep—colloquially referred

Give Jehuda money instead to as passing out—in the library while aimlessly yelling, and simultaneously brushing his teeth with various lime flavored sodas. The serving of alcoholic beverages on campus, especially in a location in upper campus, only encourages this lackluster behavior of professors. Philosophically speaking, the addition of alcohol on campus runs counter to the mission of social justice and supreme awkwardness of the University. Knowing Sodexo’s tendency to operate at a loss to bring lower costs to students, as well the substantial cost of quality beer and wine, we worry the University will take too big of a hit to their bottom line for this added service to the campus. We do worry how the University will manage to pay the salary of President Emeritus Jehuda Reinharz, a man who has helped the lives of millions of asses across the country, with this added burden of supplying alcohol to campus. At the end of the day, this board applauds the efforts of the University to increase the transparency and accessibility of alcohol on campus. Unfortunately though, we fear the faculty will be unable to control themselves with the inculcation of alcohol to campus. Moreover, we maintain our lord and savior Jehuda Reinharz deserves his salary to be guaranteed, which is something the cost of alcohol on campus may impede.

Leprechaun holds a degree in Beerology from the University of Guinness.

Sarah Palin Look I’ve been saying for years that I can see Russia from my back porch. Russia is coming for Alaska and we better start paying attention to it. I can already tell that he’s starting to rear his head into our air space. And Alaska’s got the great resources supporting the backbone of our country—resources we simply cannot afford to give up. Alaska is two times the size of Texas for God’s sake, so take that Rick Perry. I may not read magazines, but I know what they are saying: Putin’s coming for Alaska and we have got to prepare. He’s a maverick. Sarah Palin was the 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate.

Edward Snowden If my wiretap of his phone calls and emails are any indication, Putin is an extremely elusive figure. He seems to be aware that he is being observed, by the world as well as the inner members of his own administration. From my wiretapping endeavors so far, I’ve been able to determine that there are several locations that he is considering moving into next. Among these, he is considering Malaysia, perhaps in the wake of the rumors of the government’s involvement in the disappearance of Flight 370. While my Russian is a little rusty, I was able to pick up either Pakistan or Afghanistan. Or maybe it was Uzbekistan. Anyway, it ended in “stan.” My software was also able to recognize the passing mention of “Al-Qaeda” and “plane.” I don’t want to jump the gun, but it’s possible in his next invasion he may incorporate outside aid from a terrorist organization. Brazil doesn’t have the best wifi, but we’re hoping continued monitoring of Putin’s communications will confirm our questions of his next move. Edward Snowden is a former employee of the National Security Agency seeking asylum in Brazil.


THE JUSTICE

BRING IT ON

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 150 b.c.e

7

PIZZA NOM NOM

Who doesn’t like free pizza? ■ Free pizza attracts

students and celebrities to basketball game, displaying unstoppable school spirit. By HENRy MIDS PINEAPPLE EXPRESS

Though the poster in the Gosman Sports and Convocation Center was filled with flashy designs, catchy phrases and great graphics, there were two words that caught Jeffrey Maser’s ’15 eye: “Free Pizza.” “I was shocked,” said Maser. “My first thought was ‘What a nice person who must be giving out free pizza!’ I don’t usually have many plans, so I knew that I would have no trouble making sure that my schedule was free for 8 p.m. that Friday night.” Maser thought that he was simply the subject of a goodwill gesture by Brandeis Athletics. However, when he arrived at Gosman, he realized that he was in for another treat: a women’s basketball game against mighty rivals Case Western Reserve University. “I came for the pizza, but stayed for the basketball!” he recalled excitedly. “At first, I was very excited to see that the pizza had just ar-

rived. But then I saw the women’s basketball team warming up and I thought, ‘Not only am I going to get to eat pizza, but I get to watch a women’s basketball game too! How lucky am I!’” He then took his seat when he realized that he was sitting among many famous celebrities, including Lady Gaga, David Hasselhoff and Antoine Dodson. “I sat down next to Antoine and he gave me a ‘sup’ nod,” Maser said of Dodson, who was holding a poster that said ‘Case, you are so dumb. You are really dumb. For real.’ “I asked him ‘What are you doing here?’ He said that he was walking through Waltham when he saw a poster advertising free pizza. What brilliant marketing by Brandeis!” Additionally, both Gaga and Hasselhoff had happened to be in Brandeis’ home city when they saw similar advertisements. “I was actually staying at a fivestar hotel, but food there is so expensive,” said Hasselhoff, who was interviewed in the company of many sophomore girls at a subsequent party in Rosenthal Quad. “So when I was shopping on Moody Street and saw that there was free pizza, I thought, ‘why not?’ It turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made, even better than

joining Baywatch.” The basketball game was a thrilling spectacle. After trailing for the majority of the first half, the Judges stormed back to tie the game at half time. The teams then exchanged leads during the second half, setting up a thrilling finale. With the score tied at 50-50, Senior Vice President for Communications Ellen de Graffenreid—who has made a habit of having the “final say” while at Brandeis—came off the bench and sent the crowd wild, soaring over the visiting players and performing a slam-dunk with one second left to give the Judges a thrilling 52-50 victory. In a prepared statement, de Graffenreid was full of praise for many. “First, I would like to thank coach Carol Simon for the opportunity. And I was really happy to see that my efforts of selling Brandeis basketball through pizza have paid off. I can go home happy.” As for Maser, the night was one of his favorites at Brandeis. “Given how much food costs, free food—not to mention free pizza—is one of my favorite things,” he said, full of emotion. “And to be able to watch such a thrilling encounter, well—it just made my night.”

Sam Riche/MCT

SCHOOL SPIRIT: The cheerleaders received support from the Brandeis community, including pom poms from Jeffrey Boxer ’13 and the Athletics Department.

Cheer squad reigns supreme ■ The Brandeis Cheer team

beats all odds and wins second place at nationals competition in Florida. By marissa Dank God’s gift

After this year’s upset at the Universal Cheerleaders Association college nationals in Orlando, Florida’s Walt Disney World Resort, the Brandeis cheerleading squad is prepared to come back in full force next season. The national competition, which took place in January, was the Brandeis cheerleading team’s first national competition. The team came in second to the University of Kentucky, which claimed its 20th national title this year. Brandeis lost by a mere point. “People didn’t even know that we existed as a team last year,” said co-captain Maya Hill ’14 in an interview with the Justice. “Now, we are performing, and placing, in national competitions. This is really a dream come true.” According to Hill, the squad has received accolades across the country, and were even asked to perform on Oprah last year. The group had to decline due to scheduling conflicts. In addition to national attention, the team has earned the attention of Senior Vice President for Students and Enrollment Andrew Flagel. “I saw them perform this season at the basketball games, and I couldn’t believe it,” Flagel said in an interview with the Justice. “They really exemplify all that it is to be a Brandeisian. Their spirit, the perseverance and their tenacity is truly inspiring and incredible to watch.”

The cheerleaders said that they have also received a massive amount of support from the entire Brandeis community. “There is just so much spirit in the crowd. There are always bleachers full of students when we perform at basketball games during the season,” said Taylor Goldston ’16, a back spot on the cheer squad, in an interview with the Justice. According to the UCA’s evaluation of the Brandeis cheerleaders’ performance, their motions were “tight and clean,” and they were consistently smiling despite “minimal” errors in form. The team plans to work on addressing these errors, which the captains speculated were timing in jumps and a “wobble” in the center stunt group’s scale. In addition, the team will work on and perfect several more advanced stunts before it returns to competition next season. Although the captains did not specify which students these were, team members said they hoped to accomplish landing a helicopter within the next few months. “We just need to work harder than ever, and I think we will get there,” said Erica Gwinn ’16, a base on the squad, in an interview with the Justice. “We can take on Kentucky one cheer at a time. Next year, they’d better watch out for Brandeis.” Hill, the sole senior on the team, said that although she did not get to be a part of a first place national team in her time at Brandeis, she looks forward to seeing what the team will go on to accomplish. “We have come a long way in the four years that I have been here,” said Hill. “Although I feel like I missed an opportunity, I’m really glad that I got to spend my years here with such an incredible and talented group of girls.”

GRACE HAZE WRECK/the Justice

PIZZA PALOOZA: The most popular pizza topping at the basketball game was BBQ chicken, even attracting some Orthodox Jews.

EDITOR IN CHIEF NEEDED INSERT YOUR FACE HERE


8

TUESDAY, april 1, 2730

THE JUSTICE

TOPof the

ARTS ON VIEW

Brandeis TALKS

CHARTS for the week ending April 1 BOX OFFICE

Quote of the week “I’ve had an extraordinary journey during my time at Brandeis, especially the long walk from the Watch City Lofts. The donors are such great people and I really respect Jehuda’s amazing work. However, leaving the University is something I need to do for myself, as well as catching up with some old friends in Florida.”

1. Flagelicious: A True Story 2. Jehuda and the Giant Peach 3. When Editors Attack 4. Death of an Administrator 5. Castle on a Hill 6. The Brandeis Graduate 7. The Grand Brandeis Hotel 8. Stairway to Hell: Rabb 9. We Are Minions 10. The Usdan Hunger Games

—Frederick Lawrence, former University president, on his retirement. (News, p. 239).

STRANGE BUT TRUE

Where did you lose your virginity?

 The first spaceship was actually invented by the Chinese in the fifth century. After traveling to Jupiter, they brought back aliens who became the first Europeans. MORGAN DIMEBAG/the Justice

WHERE’S FRED?: Justice editor Morgan Dimebag ’17 created this interactive picture based on the classic children’s book Where’s Waldo?—reimagined after President Fred’s departure from the University.

the justice wants to see your deepest secrets! Agatha Aquifer ’17 “At the top of the water tower behind Golding in the academic quad.”

Menage A’Trois ’15 “Massive orgy in the Rose Art Museum at the Andy Warhol exhibit last year.”

Noah Lichenstein ’16 “On top of the gluten-free station in lower Usdan.”

Submit your photography, diary entries, love letters, report card, birth certificate or anything else to photos@thejustice.org to be featured in the next issue!

CROSSWORD

 When it snowed for the first time in Australia, people were so confused that they thought the world was ending. Millions of people bunkered underground for decades and only the kangaroos were left to run the country.  If you jump up and down 3oo times in under one minute, you can reverse the forces of gravity surrounding your body and be able to float.  Brandeis University is the only place that has a performance where people get naked and cover themselves in latex paint.

ACROSS 1 Most popular girls name at Brandeis 5 Brandeis has more ______ then libraries 9 Steve ____ has a great Jewfro 13 Political leader who doesn’t wear shirts during the Olympics 14 Not recognized on campus 15 Brandeis has sexual tension with this university 16 Best party of the year at Brandeis 17 Like a blue moon 18 Liquid Latex costume 19 Princess of Alaska 22 Protective latex 24 Pineapple Express 27 No shellfish or _____ 32 Jacuzzi effect 33 Brandeis wifi 34 Best place to get high on campus 35 Noise that a tree makes when it falls 37 Sexiest administrator 43 Definition of social justice 44 Number of students who fall down Rabb steps per day 46 Forbidden fruit 47 ____ even unto its innermost parts 51 Andrew’s favorite strip club 52 Buttery nipple 53 Your housing lottery number 54 Future FoxNews anchor 55 Rick Sawyer got ____ 58 Watch out Fort Lee 59 Brandeis’ weekly closing 60 Most popular STD on campus 62 Jamele’s favorite form of poetry 63 Jehuda’s salary 64 Baby dinosaur 65 Kugel 66 Jehuda’s next research topic 67 New Brandeis mascot

 In 1997, a man consumed over four thousand Big Macs from McDonalds. He promptly turned into a cow and spent the rest of his life living on a farm in Idaho.  The Castle on Brandeis University’s campus was reconstructed based on a castle in Scotland. It was built from the inside out and there are reportedly skeletons of students buried in the walls.

DOWN 1 Opposite of Jewish 2 Male version of Banshee 3 Andrew’s favorite cocktail 4 Marissa’s cellphone ringtone 5 Where the best Brandeis parties happen 6 BranPo emergency response time 7 Number of Jewish groups on campus 8 What happens when you mix liquors 9 That time you got blackout drunk in the library 10 “Well, that’s weird” 11 The person you hooked up with last weekend and keep trying to avoid 12 Shafaq’s secret desires 20 Henry’s favorite pizza place 21 That hot guy in your math class 22 Best drug dealer on campus 23 Favorite hangover cure 25 How amazing Birthright was 26 Bronstein Week is _______

29 Ricky Rosen 30 Rachel’s favorite notebook 31 Marty Levin’s latest book 35 Sodexo’s latest mistake 36 Last Thursday night... 37 Justice incest 38 Benefit of hooking up with your CA and/or OL 39 That time you did Molly at the fall concert 40 Tori’s baby horse 41 Favorite stoner snack 42 Sochi Olympics 43 Weirdest thing your first-year roommate did 45 Synonym for sexiled 47 Little, yellow and adorable 48 Maddy loves ______ 49 Commencement speaker 50 Number of shots you should take before you black out

 When he was president of the University, Jehuda Reinharz spent three percent of the University’s budget on tanning beds and vespas.  Justice Editor Jessie Ganja ’15 is actually a real-life princess. She has 17 tiaras. Thought for the Day: “Someday, the Jews will rule the world using the power of lox.”

— Louis Brandeis

STAFF’S Top Ten

HOROSCOPES Prince Sexalot ’15 “Castle fire escape ... during a fire drill. Drilling during the drill.”

Alexander Dlagel ’14 “My professor’s office in OlinSang. All of his scholarly books were put to good use.” —Compiled by Jessie Ganja and photos from Creative Commons

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Don’t go pulling any daredevil stunts this month— since Mercury is in retrograde again, you’ll likely need more than a BandAid. Try tempering down your adventurous side while the planets realign and focus on something safer. Like knitting socks. With your grandma.

Leo (Jul. 23-Aug. 22): Ring a ding ding, is that your mother calling? It’s time for you Leos to cut the cord—no matter how many times mom asks for your J-Date password so she can set you up with that cute guy from synagogue at home, you have to keep telling her no.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You know, if you say “gullible” real slow, it sounds like “green beans?” I’m kidding—Sagittariuses can be so easy to fool! This month, the things you’ve been working toward for so long will finally seem within your reach. Keep one foot on the ground when your head is in the clouds!

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20): Wondering why your life has felt like a rerun of that movie 50 First Dates lately? It’s probably because your jealousy has been coming out to play. Give yourself a break—no, the Sharpie scribbles on your coffee cup weren’t the barista’s phone number.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Oh, boo-hoo, you got your first B on a paper this month. Before you get your knickers in a twist, you need to stop being so self-critical. After the sun circles the earth three times, you’ll be feeling better—and you have an excuse to talk to your cute TA.

Gemini (May 21-Jun. 20): It may be internship application season, but don’t let your nerves get the best of you! Remember that Geminis are also adaptable and versatile people—let your better qualities shine through as you’re taking risks this month.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Feeling lovesick lately? It’s time to set your heart on one person and stick with them. Libras can be indecisive, and when it comes to love, sometimes playing the field means that nobody wins. If someone catches your eye, let them know!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): What do an Aquarius and a golden retriever have in common? No, it’s not great hair and a constant smile. Both have intensely loyal personalities and make good friends. Be thankful for the good relationships in your life.

Cancer (Jun. 21-Jul. 22): Hey there Cancers, have you checked your moodometer lately? You tend to snap at the people closest to you when things in your life get tense, but it’s time to take a breath. Shake off that baggage! Summer is coming, and it’s all about having fun.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Have you seen that movie The Wolf of Wall Street? Well Scorpios, take note: life isn’t always a power game. Sometimes it’s nice to take the backseat and enjoy the view from the window. This, month, try to keep a balanced mind and heart.

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Did you lose your wallet last week? Well, I found it. Under a pile of chocolate bar wrappers and potato chip bags in your room. Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate and think about what put you into this slump—remember, your self worth depends on no one but yourself.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You know how Sarah Michelle Gellar tries so hard and still ends up effed in The Grudge? If there’s one thing you can learn from that bloody mess, it’s that it’s better to steer clear from holding grudges. Let go of the resentment.

Bagel Combos By celine cannabis justice EDITOR

As the last round of midterms approaches and finals sneak up on us, we want more bagels all the time. Although most of these are longtime favorites, if there are any you haven’t tried, ask for one of these combinations next time you’re at Einsteins’ Bros. Bagels. 1. Asiago Cheese and Strawberry 2. Blueberry and Garden Veggie 3. Chocolate Chip and Scallion 4. Cinnamon Sugar and Onion & Chive 5. Power Bagel and Honey Almond 6. Pretzel and Jalapeño Salsa 7. Challah and Plain and Lox 8. Apple Cinnamon and Sundried Tomato 9. Green Chile and Strawberry 10. Spinach Florentine and Blueberry


The Justice April Fools Issue