just femme & dandy vol. 4: SURVIVE

just femme & dandy

THE SURVIVE ISSUE

MARCSCHORIN|ELIZABETHWENGER|AJABARBER|ERIKFUHRER|SARAHSHEPPECK|DANCLAY| RAETHWEATT//BODY POLITIC HAIR STUDIOS | SAGELALLY | EVELYNRUDE| SARAH NEILSON| SCARLETNOVAK |SADCLOWNCLUB|SALEMARIELREID|JOSEPHINELAUREN|JAZZBELL|MYKKIRIOS|JASSAUNDERS|

vol.04:winter2023

copyright:justfemme&dandy

coverillustrationbycrystalvielula

justfemmeanddandy.com

founding editor co-editor in chief addietsai

co-editor in chief sarahsheppeck

managing editor simoneperson

disability & access organizer skycubacub

editor, the mane attraction simoneperson

editor, the glowup sarahsheppeck

editor, sole mates jenst.judeandstoo

editor, no scrubs jodavis-mcelligatt

editor, sew what sarahsheppeck

editor, triple thread(s) kirinkhan

editor, cancel & gretel skycubacub

editor, fat + furious simoneperson

editor, features addietsai

just femme & dandy isabiannualliterary&artsmagazine onfashionforandbyqueer,trans,two-spirit,non-binary, and intersex people. We are an anti-racist, pro-Black publicationandaimtocentralizeandcelebrateworkfrom Black and Indigenous people of color. We encourage submissions about fashion and “in”/visible disabilities, fatness,chronicillnessandpain,poverty,neurodiversity, mental illness, and other forms of intersectional marginalization.

Webelieveinequalaccesstocollectivejoy,soallworkin thisissuecanbefoundonourwebsiteinplaintextwith image and audio descriptions and captioning. For additionalaccessneeds,pleasecontactourdisability& accessorganizerSkyCubacub.

letterfromtheeditor// simone person //06 anoteonaccess// sky cubacub //07

cancel & gretel

survivaliscute! // sad clown club //09 depthcharge// sarah sunfire //14 mobilityaidsarefreedom// scarlet novak //19

fat + furious theskingrows// salem ariel reid //23

the glowup [untitled]// jazz bell //26

frommasking&makeuptobaggage&barefacedbeauty// josephine lauren //28

lipglosstriptychandotherpoems// mykki rios //34 skincareforgrownfolk// sarah sheppeck //38

the mane attraction

hair-story:abreakdownofbreakdowns// e.m. lark //42 cuttingitclose// felix salmoran //44

ellipsisformyfemininebody// nnadi samuel //46 amedusaofmyown// jas saunders //47

no scrubs

mirroredfatalitysurvivestheapocalypse// mirrored fatality //51 holdingmyowngaze// katlin marisol sweeney-romero //58

get your thread in the game

thecrystalpoem// andy winter //63 beanieseason// jennifer elise wang //65

sew what abitoffluff// a f carbajal //67 transfinite::adialogue// cavar //69 unexpectedjoy// jessi eoin //73

not what it seams unravelinglatinetendertransness// dali valentino with sg huerta //79

solemates

thesebootsweremadeforwalkin’// james daniels // 84 recallingmother// sajah francesca //86 odetodocmartens// fiammetta gianni //88 sleepingbagsocks// abbie goldberg //91 sry// thomas hobohm //95 pinkskechers// geyl wells //96 rainbowplatformcrocs// migel wilson //99 thestilettopoem// andy winter //101

triple threads burlesquejustice// tylyn johnson //103 blackman:femininityandfluidity// tylyn johnson //104 chemise// mykki rios //106 odetoadutakech’swalkforjacquemus// mykki rios //107 chemisealacottagecore// mykki rios and elizabeth kumaki //108

features startwithyourownstyle// aja barber with addie tsai //112 danclay(akacarriedragshaw)offerstenbajillionwaysto becoming a queen // with addie tsai //115 thecostofhealing// erik fuhrer //131 youdresshowtheytellyoutodressuntilyoudon’t// marc schorin //136 bodypolitichairstudiosfounderraethweattoffersa“saferspace”// with sage lally //140 whattowearwhenteachingqueer// elizabeth wenger //143 dapperqatnyfw// evelyn rude //149

letter from the editor

The common theme? Survival.

Survivalwasneverachoiceformanyofus. Growingupworkingpoor,wekeptgoing becausebillsneededtobepaid,kidsneededto befed,andifwedidn’t,itwouldn’tgetdone. Therewasn’tasafetynet;weonlyeverhad eachother.

Survivalisadifferentwordforcommunity brokepeoplepassingaroundthesame$20 untilpaydaycomes,openingourhomesto each other, turning play cousins into somethingrealerthanblood.

As I’ve gotten older and grown into my identitiesofqueer,femme,fat,disabled,and trans,survivalhasgrownwithmetobeanact ofloveformyself,forothers.Isurvivenot becauseIhavenootheroption,butbecauseI believeinthefuture afuturewhereallofus marginalizedseeeverydawn,wherewecome backhomeatnight,wherewearewarmand safeandthriving.

This issue, our first accepting non-themed submissions,exploresthevastnessofsurvival, eachgloriousrefractionapathintothefuture. Thisisalsomylastissueasmanagingeditor andeditorforthemaneattraction,afrodisiac, andfat+furious.AddieandSarahreachedout tometojoinjustfemme&dandyatatime

whensurvivalfeltimpossible,andhelpedme findwaysbacktomywriting,tomyself.

Workingwiththejustfemme&dandyteam, readingallofyourincrediblesubmissions,and buildingupoursocialmediachannels(2k+on InstagramandTwitter!Thankyou!)hasbeen adream.I’msogratefulforthiscommunity, andI’mthrilledtowatchitcontinuetogrow.

a note on access

I am Sky Cubacub, the creator of RebirthGarments,aclothinglinefor queerandtransdisabledfolxofallsizes and ages, the writer of “Radical Visibility:AQueerCripDressReform MovementManifesto”andjustfemme &dandy's“cancel&gretel”editor!I willsharemyidentitieswithyouallso thatyouunderstandwhereI’mcoming from and who is in charge of accessibilityforthisawesomemagazine! Iamqueer,nonbinaryxenogender,and Iusethey/them/theirandxe/xem/xyr pronouns.I’mhalfFilipinx-American andhalfwhite,andIamalmost30years old. I have non-apparent disabilities including lifelong anxiety, panic disorder, depression with a still undiagnosed developed stomach disorder I acquired later in life, CPTSD(IamasurvivorofDV),and newly diagnosed Chronic Fatigue Syndromethatdevelopedafterhaving Mono.

For this issue we had all of the contributors make their own image descriptions! Image descriptions and audio descriptions are always incompletebecauseyoucanendlessly describeanything.Ifyouareinterested in learning how to make internet content accessible, follow my friend AlexChenonInstagram.Youcanalso check out the Alt Text as Poetry project,acollaborationbetweenartists BojanaCoklyatandShannonFinnegan, supported by Eyebeam and the DisabilityVisibilityProject.

Access can always be improved, so please contact us to request specific accessibilityaccommodationsyouneed, and I will do my best to make it happen!

cancel &gretel

survivaliscute! sadclownclub

WhenSadClownClubbecamewhatitistoday,wewerejusttwodisabledfolkswhocouldn’t workregularjobssafelyandwereverypassionateaboutfashionandhowitrelatedtoour mobilityaids.Wesoldafewthingsatavirtualcraftfairfordisabledartists,andquicklyrealized howmanyfolkslikeuswereoutthere!Peoplewhowantedtheirmobilityaidstobemorethana sticktheyfeelembarrassedtouseinasocietythat’sshunnedthem.Queerandtranspeoplewho wantedtoexpresseverypieceofthemselvesintheirentirety.Peoplewhonevereventhoughtit anoptiontodecoratetheirmobilityaids,andweresoexcitedtofindus!So,ashopwasborn.We survivebyexpressingourselvesinaworldthatwouldratherwequietdown,andwesurviveby helpingotherpeopledothesame.

Sad Clown Club has a variety of accessoriestodecorateyourmobility aids, your body, your home, or whateveryouwant!Wehaveacreepy cutevibe,mixingallsortsofclownish andfunaesthetics.Basicallywhatever hasgrabbedholdofourever-evolving neurodivergentbrains!Frommatching acrylicchainlinkwriststrapsandbelt chainsetstocoordinateyourmobility aidwithyouroutfit,tohandpainted framed art, to cute jewelry, and keychains. We have art and photography prints celebrating disability and queerness, shiny suncatchersanddanglesthatenrichour liveswithcolorandsparkle,andcute fidgettoysthatalllightupthestimmy partsofourbrains.

Ourshopisalovelettertodisabled, neurodivergent,queer,andtranspeople. Topeoplelikeus!Everysaledirectly supportsoursurvivalasdisabledartists, andwehopeeveryitemweshipout enrichesthelivesofpeoplelikeusas muchastheydoours.Ifthereisanything we’velearnedinthelastfewyears,it’s thatsurvivalmeanssomuchmorethan barelymakingitby.Survivaltousis neverlosingwhoweare,evenwiththe worldagainstus.SadClownClubwas bornofthisideathatourlivesarerich andfull,thatwearewholepeople,thatif wearetosurvivethatmeansexpressing ourselvesinwhateverwayswecan.Now itfeelslikeourpurposeistospreadthe joy and beauty of how mobility aids relatetoallofourindividualidentities.

Weseektodestroythenarrativethatamobility aidisasignofgivingup.It’squitetheopposite! Mobilityaidsareacelebrationoffreedom,of ourbodies,andourselves.Wehonorourneeds whileneverleavingbehindwhowetrulyare. We honor our queerness and our neurodivergencyandhowitallintersectswith eachitemwemake,andwelovetohelpothers celebratethosepartsofthemselves.SadClown Clubsayssurvivaliscute!Survivaliscolorful andloud,itssparklingcrystalsandcutebeads. Survivalisspreadingthejoywe’vemanagedto findinthislifetoanyonewhocanrelatetous. Wehopeourlittlesliceofsurvivalhelpsyou survive,too.

YoucansupportSadClownClubat www.sadclownclub.com,andfollowtheirwork @sadclownclub.shop onInstagramand @thesadclownclub onTwitter.

depthcharge sarahsunfire

Istillbelievevampiresarereal,butwhenIwasa teenagerIdressedlikeIknewit.AsaNew Orleansnative,itwaseasytounderstandthatthe otherworldlypeoplewhoroamedtheFrench Quarterlateatnightweren’tpeopleatall;talkto anyonewholivedtherebeforeKatrinaandthey willconfirmthis.Icouldn’tcalltoLestatfrom school,becauseonweekdays,Ihadtocontend withtheugliestschooluniformeverdevisedinthe nameofabstinence.MondaythroughFridayfrom someungodlymorninghouruntilfartoolate,I woreagraypleatedskirtmeanttoeliminatethe veryideaoflegsorshapelycalves,andaboxy starchedwhiteshirtthateffectivelyobliterated curves.AddapairofcrutchesthatIneedbecauseI wasbornwithcerebralpalsyandredhairthat frizzesouttothefarreachesofspaceinNew Orleanshumidity,andyou’vegotacombination sohideousthatitwould’vebeenfunnyifithadn’t beensohumiliating.MyauntBeth,nowinher seventies,wasreminiscingtomerecentlyabout theuglinessofthisuniformandgleefully proclaimed,“Thatmarooncardigansweatersure

lookedgoodwithyourredhair!”Thenthe weekendsweptusupandIwasfree.

Oneofmyfavoriteoutfitswasablackvelvet corsetwithstrapsadornedwithbutterflies—the strapsandthebutterflieswereblackvelvettoo.I woreitwithablackvelvetminiskirtslittedupthe thigh oralongform-fittingblackvelvetskirt withahigherslitinthethigh andblackvelvet bootsthathadblackribbonsforlaces.WhenI walkedaroundlikethat,mycrutchesdidn’tfeel liketheymatteredsomuch,andevenmore urgently,Lestatandhislegionsoflocalemissaries knewIwasripeandwaiting,allthatwarmblood, etc.

Givenmyfather’stendencytooverprotectme— me,hisdaughter;me,hisvisiblydisableddaughter; me,hisonlychild it’ssurprisingthathefooted thebillforaleatherdressfromSecondSkin,the BDSM-orientedsexshopthatprovidedNew Orleansdenizensandtouristswithanythingmade ofleather,latex,orsilverchainsthatwecould

possiblyneed.Thisdresswasmadeofrealleather (black,ofcourse),butitwaslessexpensivethan anythingelseintheshopbecauseoftwowide stripsdowneachsidemadeofsheerblacknylon.It wasabsurdlyshort,andhadonlyonezipper, whichranfromthetopofthelownecktothe bottomofthedress.“Easyaccess,”myhighschool friendRuthwhisperedtomelasciviously,which, whenIgotmyfirstboyfriend,wouldprovetrue, butIwasthinkinglessaboutactionwhenI boughtitthanIwasaboutfantasies.Fantasies involvingleather.Perhapsthosestartedearlierthan theyshouldhave,certainlyearlierthanmydad wouldhavepreferred,butfantasyheldmore powerinthosedaysthananythingIcouldtouch, andwhatIcouldfeelwithmyinescapableearthly fingerswasmeanttomakethosefantasiesreal. FantasywastheonlyrealmIcouldrelyontofeel pretty.Therewasnobeingbeautifulinthatschool uniform,notforme,withthesecrutches,thisgait. TheepicpoetHomersaidthatyoucouldtella goddess“byhergait,”andIwasconvincedthat thiswashowyoucouldtellamonster,too.

Amidstallthisdespairandbody-loathing,there wasoneamusingupshotofourtragicschool uniforms:theyturnedSpiritWeekintoaschoolwideevent,duringwhichweappearedto overflowoverwithDeLaSalleCavalierpride. Everythemeddaymeantliberationfromour uniforms,andtherewasn’tasinglestudentwho didn’ttakeadvantageofthis.OnCamouflage Day,campuslookedlikeamilitarybase.Butthe mostexcitingoftheseany-excuse-to-ditch-themaroon-and-greydayswas60s,70s,and80sDay. That’snotthreedays,tobeclear.It’sone:adecade foreverybody.

Iworeaplaidminiskirt(asubtlefuckyoutomy schooluniform)andablackspaghetti-strapped

tanktopwithablacksee-throughblouseoverit. Butthepiècederésistancewasapairofblack vinylthighhighs.WornwithblackchunkyheeledMaryJanes,theylookedlikelegitimate thigh-highboots.

“Areyousupposedtobe,like,Madonna?”oneof myclassmatesaskedme,therebymakingmyday andmyyear.Thenasecondclassmate,whose nameIcan’tremember,madetherestofmylife byaskingme,“Areyousupposedtobe,like,Janet Jackson?”Icouldwriteabookaboutmylifelong adorationforJanetJackson.Shewasmygo-to referenceforsensualexistencestartingwiththe releaseoftheimmortalalbumJanet.Shestillis.I shouted,“YES!”inamomentoftrueecstasyI neverthoughtIcouldfeelatschool.

Ican’twriteawholeessayaboutfashionand disabilityandbodynesswithoutmentioningthat therewasneveramomentthatIhadbreaststhat theyweren’tnoticeablymassive.I’mprobablynot supposedtosayIwantedthemrecognized,butI did,andyoucouldtellthatbymyotherfavorite pieceofspaghetti-strappedclothing,awine-red velvettanktop.“That isanice shirt,”ataxidriver oncesaidtome.Apervyremarkinretrospect,but thefactis,Ilikedbeingnoticed.Ifmytitsarethe focus,thecrutchesdisappear,andgettingthemto disappearmattered.

TheGoodswereremarkeduponmuchmore satisfyinglyonthenightofoureighth-grade inductionintotheNationalHonors’Society.Iwas sittingwithtwoequallynerdyfriends,honeyspiritedgirlswhomIhadneverheardmentionsex orsexualityatall.Inordertopickupthecertificate documentingmygenius,Ihadtotraversethe wholeoftheschoolcafeteria.WhenIreturnedto myseatwithmypaperinhand,oneofmysweet

friendsnonchalantlyobserved,“Youhavenice boobs,Sarah,Iwishminewerethatbig.”

Ihavealoudlaughbynature,butmyreactionto hisunexpectedbitofcrassflatterycame dangerouslyclosetodisruptingtheevent.JustasI caughtmybreathlongenoughtoensurethatI wouldn’tlaughtheproudparentsoutofharmony, ourotherfriend,theembodimentof heterosexuality,lookedatmeandsaid,“Well, nowthatwe’reallthinkingaboutit,Ihaveto agreewithher.”EverytimeIsawthattopagain afterthat navybluenylon,dottedwithblack velvetflowers,dramaticallyform-fittingwitha widescoopneck Ithoughtofthatdual compliment.Ikeptthattopuntilitwas threadbare,wearingitwellintocollege.

Decadeslater,Iwassittingintheseatofapunk hairdresserandweweretalkingaboutbeauty standardsandbody-relatednorms.Imentioned thatundernocircumstancescouldIopena magazineandseeabodylikemine,growingup oranytime.

“Didthatsetyoufree?”sheaskedme.“Sinceyou haveadisabilitywereyoulike,‘Idon’thaveto botherwithanyofthis?’”Whatkindof adolescencemightIhavehad,Iwonder,ifIhad reactedthatway?IfIhadopenedthosemagazines andsaid,“Iexistinaphysicallydifferentworld thantheoneyournormativeassesareassuming andIwantnopartintheconstraintsyou’re implyingwiththesephotos.Imaginethepowerin usingmyownbodytosetmyselffree.

Itoldmyhairdresser,Kaley,thatitwasn’tlikethat atall.BecauseIhadadisabilityIwas hyperdisconnectedfromwhatthosemagazines calledBeauty,andIbelievedthosemagazines.I

hadnoideathattheywerehawkedbygroupsof market-researchersincahootswithcosmetics companies,strivingtomakeabuck.Ithought theyspoketruth,andthetruthwas, a body like yours does not belong. It is not even acknowledged. We would, on the whole, rather it didn’t exist.

Ittookalong,longtimetogetoverthat.Ittook severalboutsofseveredepression,deep-dive sessionswithaphysicallydisabledtherapist,and,at last,go-hardafternoonswithmylife-altering personaltrainerwhohelpedmeseemybodyin termsofmycapabilities,ratherthanmy limitations(andeveryone,I’vefinallylearned,has physicallimitations).

MySideStixhelpedtoo.Yonderliesanation calledCanadawhereinathoughtfulanddedicated companymakescustom-fitcrutchesthatenable morefluidmovement,lessshoulderpressure,and otherconcretebenefitsthataideinathleticism. (Onthecompany’swebsite,anathletewithone legisdoingabackflipwithhisSideStix.)Ieyed thatcompanyforyearsbeforeIfinallyhadthe moneytopayforthefruitsofseveraldifferent exactmeasurements.Theyaskforthedistanceof yourmiddlefingertoyourwristfortheperfect arm-cufflengthandotherindividualizedspecifics. Theyalsoaskforthemeasurementsfromyourold crutches.WhenIsentthosein,Igotadismayed callfromBritishColumbia.

“There’sanotablediscrepancybetweenthe measurementsyougaveusandthemeasurements ofyourcurrentcrutches,”hesaid,referringtomy heightasrelativetothecrutch.

IsighedandexplainedthatinAmerica,wereally don’tdo customcrutches.Thephilosophyisnot, “Gobeyondyourperceivedlimits,potential

athlete!”somuchas,“Suckstobeyou,acripple, here’ssomeequipmentyouapparentlyneedtogo dowhateverpeoplelikeyoudo.”Nomatterhow diligentlyIsticktomyever-intensifyingworkout routine,Istillgetoldpeoplestoppingmeinthe streettocomparethemselvestome,sayingthey thoughttheyhaditbadbecausethey’veaged,but Ihaveitworse,lookatme.

IthurtstoknowthatevenasIfeelmore comfortableinmybodythanI’veeverthought possible,therewillalwaysbepeopledeterminedto seemeasinjuryincarnate,downtrodden.Iknow that’saflyonthewalloftheirvisionandnothing todowithme,butthat,too,tookmealongtime tounderstand.Somepeopleseetruth,somepeople seelies.ThenotionthatIhavenothingtobe physicallygratefulfor,thatIamnotfree,thatI shouldwanttobeotherpeople,isalie.It’salieI toldmyselfforaverylongtime,aidedbythose damnmagazines.

Sidestixcutanelegantfigure:theyhave ergonomichandlesmadeofcork,they’resleekand black.Mine,becausetheyfittomyactualsize,are short.Idon’treallyseethemasapartofhowI stylemyself,butIalsodon’tseethemasa detrimenttomystylishnessthewayIusedto.One nightafterworkonthe44bus,awarmvoice remarked,“Ilikeyourcrutches,”andImadea friendthatway oneofmyfewfriendswhohasa physicaldisability.Ifeltvindicatedknowingthat myStixeleganceisperceptible,becauseit’snota kindofelegancewetalkabout.Asateenager,it wouldn’thavebeenthekindofeleganceIwanted totalkabout.Crutcheswere,forso,solong,akin toacoatthatruinedmyotherwiseregalCleopatra Halloweencostume,drawingattentionaway fromthelonggoldform-fittingone-shoulder dressandtheshimmeringgoldensnake-crown.

Noneoftheprettygirlshadcrutches,asIsawit. Andprettymattered.Prettymatteredsososo much,muchmorethanthebrainsIknewIhad.

I’vesincelearnedthatthisislightyearsfromthe truth;therearescoresofkickasswomenwith physicaldisabilitiestheworldover.Butyou wouldn’tknowthattowatchTV,wouldyou? I’veseencasualableismonshowsthatare otherwiseprogressive.Peoplestillfearthese bodies.Theystilldon’twanttothinkaboutwhat mighthappeniftheyonedaywokeupinone,as anyonecould.

I’vecometoembracephysicaldisabilityasanode tointerdependenceandastanceagainstoppressive notionsofindividualismandprofit-motivated “productivity.”Ifeelfortunatethatmybody makesapoliticalstatementwithoutmyhavingto doawholelot.Ineedhelpcarryingahotdrinkto mytableatthecafé(becauseofthecrutchhandles) andbam,goneareallillusionsthatwe’renotin thistogether.

Ihearalotofcomplaintsaboutsupposedpressure to“beperfect.”Thisisaforeignnotiontome,and evenasatiricalone.Mywholelife,thevery atmosphere,haswhisperedthatIamimperfect andIwillalwaysbe.WhatIdidn’trealizebefore nowisthatthisistrueofeveryone.Itdoesn’t makeusanylessofthewondersthatweare.And so,hereIamwithfoursurgicalscars,noillusions ofapossibleperfectionthat’sonlyoutofreach becauseIcan’tgettoit,and,atlast,real understandingthatanycondescensionIreceive frompityingoldpeopleormagazine-approved normiesistheirproblem.

Inolongerusefashiontodetractfromwhatabout mybodymakesitabsolutelymine.Myfavorite

clothesthesedaysaremyworkoutgetups,which rapturouslydrawonself-awaregarishnesstoshow offthemusclesI’mbuilding.Myfavoritesports braissplashedwithneonturquoiseandhotpink palmtreesonablackbackground,typicallyworn withneonturquoiseyogapants.Ifit’shotoutside, I’llpairablack,navy,ordarkgreysportsbrawith shortsthatbasicallyscream,“Ididn’tworkout theseglutessonoonewouldnotice,”butforall thatthey’reunassumingarticles,softmovable fabricinsubtlecolors,heldupbyasimple drawstring.

InmyyouthIwould’veassumedthatI’dbeless appealingtovampireswhenIwasdressedforthe gym.Butwhoknows?Gettingyourheart-rateup doesimprovebloodflow.InmyyouthIwould’ve assumedthatIcouldn’thaveenteredagymatall, andthatifIdidn’tgetlaughedoutoftheplacethe machineswouldbetoomuchtroubletobeworth it.IneverrealizedIcouldbuildmuscle,Icould pushmyselfandfeelgoodaboutit,Icouldgoto thesaunaafterwardsandsweatanocean,feelmy bodytransformingintheheat.Maybethatwasthe secretallalong:nottowaitaroundforavampire tofulfilltheirmythicpromiseofeternity,butfor metodiscoverthatabrandnewhypersensorylife canbeginanytime.Andthebestpartis,Ididn’t havetowait.Ijusthadtogetmoving.

Mymobilityaidsarefreedom.Theyaresafetyand survival.Theyaremyarmorandmyfashion statement.Theymakemefeelpowerfuland independent.Theygivemethefreedomtoleave myhouse,togooutwithmychosenfamily,to sharemystorywithothers.I’mScarlet,a24yearold non-binaryperson.IamDisabledandusemultiple mobilityaidstohelpmegetaround.Ihavefound thatdecoratingmymobilityaidsmakesmefeel moreconfidentwhenIusethem.Hereisaphoto shootIdidawhileback!

fa t furious +

theskingrows

salemarielreid

Survivalwasawordstitchedintoeverysweatshirt andpairofsweatpantsthatIworefromtheageof eight.

Genderwasetchedintomyskin,ascartraumaborn.IthoughtwhoIwaswasbasedonwhatI worebecauseofwhatpeoplesawmeas.Mybody becameaccustomedtoviolence,butthehands thathollowedmyidentitywerenotonlymyown.

Queerwasawordthatdefinedmyolderbrother inhighschool.Ourmotherstilllovedhim,but didn’tshieldhimfromherhusband’shate,ahate thatwasdisguisedaslove.Itoedthelinebetween thatloveandhate;atten,anyonewouldbegreedy forthewaxontheirmother’spoisonousapple.

Ateight,Istolemybrother’spromdress,stuffing theblack-sequinedmonstrosityintomyschool bag.Ichangedoutofmylongpantsand sweatshirtatschoolandintothedress.Manyof mypeerssaidIlookedbeautiful.Itwasthefirst timesomeoneotherthanmymother

complimentedme,andIbloomedwithoutfeeling confusedorashamed.

IwastooyoungtoknowwhoIwas,butIknew thatIwantedtofollowinmybrother’sfootsteps. Hecreatedbreathtakingportraitsofhorses,andI beggedforthesamesketchbooksandmarkersto replicatemybrother'shappinessandpassion. Whenthatdidn’twork,Iturnedmyattentionto the2000sdrawingkit,FashionPlates,whereI coulddesignoutfitsbyswitchingoutstencilsof skirts,dressesandshirts.Ispentcountlesshours designingoutfits;mydreamwastodressreal people,tobeunderthespotlightmakingthose clothes.

AsIgrewolder,Idiscoveredthatdepressionisone hellofajoy-killer.Ifoundmyselfunabletofocus onanyonethingatonce.Myinterestswere short-livedanddispassionate.IthoughtIwastoo fat,toosad,toonothingtobewhatothershadthe privilegetobe.Onemoment,fashionwasallI couldthinkabout,andinthenext,itwas

unattainable.ItwasyearsbeforeIthoughtabout fashionagain.IkeptmillionsofhoursofVogue designerrunwayshowsonmylaptop.WhenI cameoutasatransman,lookingbackatthose menontherunwayopenedsomethinginmethat Icouldn’tbeartoshut.

Ididn’tcarewhetherclotheswereintendedfora manorwoman thoselongwhiteandfrilly couturedressesseemedtoonlybelongtopretty andthingirls,andallofthefemininemen wearinglow-cutsilkshirtswereathletic.ButI wantedtheclothesallthesame;Iwantedtobelike thosemodels.Buttheclotheswerealldesignedfor peoplewhoweremuch,muchsmallerthanme. MywantingwasdeprivingmyselfofthingsI couldactuallyhave.

Isurvivedlivingthewaytheworldexpectedme to.Mygoalwastobethepersoneveryonewanted metobe,andtotakeupthesmallestamountof spacepossible.Afterallthoseyears,IrealizedthatI didn’thavetolimitmyselftowhatothersthought Ideserved;IcouldsculptmyselftofitwhoIreally am.

Istillstrugglewithmybodytoday,butIhave someonewholovesitformewhenIcan'tstandto lookatit.Myboyfriendinspiresmetousemy creativitytofulfillmydreams;nothingfeelsas goodaswhenI’mholdingfabricbetweenmy fingersorsketchingthecostumedesignsof RuPaul’sDragRace’scontestants.Nothinghasfelt betterthanlearningtowalkontheroadofselflove.

Loveiswhenyouescapethebinary,forcingthe whirlpooloftheworldtoreverse.Alone,itseems impossible,butI’velearnedthatthereare communitiesouttherewaitingforwhoIamand

whoIwanttobe.There’sagorgeous,breathstealingmanathomewithhisarmswideopen.

Iammorethanafatqueerman,morethanthe labelsforceduponmeorthatIplacedonmyself.I don’thavetosurviveanymore.Iamlivingin skirts,suits,andlingerie.Iexistinthisskinand bodythatIamlearningtoforgive,togivetender careto.Desirelivesinmyownhomeandwithin myself.Ithasanamewhichchangesfromtimeto time,butIownit—itbelongstomeandnoone else.ItcanbewhateverthehellIwantittobe.I’ve decidedthatIwasn’tsurvivingallmylife.Survival wasn’ttherightwordforwhatI’vebeenthrough, whatIdiddaytodaytogetup itwasfighting.

theglowup

jazzbell

BeforeCOVID,Iwasoutasnonbinarybutwas stillactinglikeawomantogetby.IworewhatI callmy“whitesocialworkercosplayclothes”to myinternship(youknow thelongskirt,the cardigan,thetopthat’swaymoremodestthanI wouldchooseformyself).BeingasdisabledasI am,Ididn’thavetheenergytoeventhinkabout thewayIwouldliketopresentaestheticallyifI wasn’tsotiredofoppression.Iwastryingtogetto tomorrow

Genderexpressionhasalwaysbeenconfusingto me.Asanintersexperson,Ihavebeenpunished throughoutmylifeforthepartsofmedeemed “biologically”un-woman.Ispentaverylongtime tryingtoappearashighfemmeaspossibletoward offfurtherdiscrimination,butIalsogrewto considertheseaestheticexpressionsasanextension ofmyvisualartandcreativeexpression.It’s complicated.

Socomplicatedapparently,thatIwas institutionalizedafterasuicideattempt(ofcourse,

institutionalization,pairedwiththemedicalabuse Iexperiencedthere,onlymadethosefeelings worse).Afewdayslater,COVIDhit.

Needlesstosay,Iwashavingaprettyshittime.I, alongwiththousandsofotherdisabledpeople, were(onceagain)thrustintoisolation.An isolationthatmanyofusarestillexperiencing.In allthisthough,Iwastrulyaloneforthefirsttime inawhile.IstartedtorealizenothingIwasdoing inmylifewassustainableformyfat,disabled, intersexedbody.IhadmoretimethanI’deverhad toask,“whatdoIwantwhennooneis watching?”

Turnsout,theanswertothatwascoolmakeup, coolearrings,coolhairornaments,abeard,anda lowvoice.Istartedtakingtestosterone.

Now,Idon’tknowwheredisabilitydysmorphia endsandwheregenderdysphoriabegins,butI don’treallythinkitworkslikethat.AllIknew wasthatnomatterwhatItried,noonecouldever

CONTENT NOTES: mentions of a suicide attempt, psychiatric institutionalization, ableism, transphobia, fatphobia, intersexism, and COVID

reallyperceivemethewayIwantedtobe perceived;noamountofmakeup,craft,or intentionwasgoingtocutthroughtheableism andtransphobiaandintersexismthatpeoplehold.

Insteadoftryingto“expressmygender”inaway otherscouldunderstand,Itriedtoexpressmy longingfornatureandthewaysIseeitreflected inmyself.InthebeginningofCOVID,Ilonged fornatureintheabsenceoftouch,butmostnature spotswerenotaccessibleformeeither.Natureis alsoadeeppartofmyspirituality,andIhave alwaysfeltspirituallydisconnectedthroughthe enforcedseparationofdisabledpeoplefrom naturalspaces.

Istartedpaintingmyownfacewiththingsthat remindedmeofwhatIcouldn’taccessmyself. Goldeneyelinerforsunrays,bluesforwaves,reds forfires,asymmetriclooksbecausenatureisnot symmetricalandneitheramI.Natureis genderfucked,andsoamI.

Makeupbecameagroundingritualthatkeptme aliveduringthefirstpartofCOVID.Ibecameless afraidofmyself.Ofcourse,itdidn’tstopthe ableismandtransphobia Ineverexpecteditto. Whatyouseeisnotmygender,butaselfaffirmation,aspiritualarmor,acommitmentto imaginemyselfaspartoftheworldsIwanttolive inwhenItalkaboutdisabilityjusticeorthe possibilitiesofgenderorfatliberation.

josephinelauren

Ihavealotofbaggage.Figuratively.Onceliterally too,butnolonger.Today,Iamproudtosaythat thecontentsofmylifefitintojustthreepacks:one rollsbehindme,onehangsfromashoulder,the laststrapsaroundmyback.Ihavereleased everythingthatIdon’tneedtopreparefor traveling.Well,almost.

Atoteofmakeupsitsexiledoutsideofthepileof mypackeduplifeItsitemsonceboughtto belongtomybody,tobeabsorbedbymybody, tohideimperfectionsofmybody,tohighlightthe beautyofmybody.Neglectedforthepastthree years,sincethebeginningofthepandemic.The powdershardening,theliquidsseparating,the mascaraclumpingasitslowlydriedfromstaying insideabottle,nolongerlengtheningmylashes.A brushtomaintainmylong,wavyhair.Thetote won’tfit.Thequestionis:doIstillneedit?

IrememberthestressofSundays.Forcedtogoto theCatholicChurchjustdownthestreetin NewportBeach.Adestinationlocationin SouthernCaliforniaknownforitsbeaches,its

boats,anditsbabes.Wealthy.AsIgotdressed,I daydreamedofthemomentmasswouldend. WhenIwouldtranscendthetreeswithfriends andeatdonutsSoIpreppedbydressingcasually pants,at-shirt,comfortableshoes andleftmy bedroom.Immediatelymymotherscreamed.

“AnneMarie,youneedtodressup!Gochange andhurry!”

“ButMom!”Italkedback.

“Don’ttalkbacktome!”sheyelledasshe continuedtogetready.

“Anne”means“Favored”“Marie”means “Rebellion.”Thiswasjustthebeginning,butthen theonlyoptionwassubmission.Mythree brotherswalkedoutoftheirbedroomseachin pants,apoloshirt,andsomeformofcomfortable boot.AsIbemoanedmymother’scues,forcedmy muscularlegsintotightstootight,pulledadress overmybroadshoulders,andbuckledMaryJane styleshoeswithaslightheelonmylong,narrow

frommasking&makeuptobaggage& barefacedbeauty:anincestsurvivorfinds healinginqueeridentity

CW: mentions of incest abuse

feet.Theyneverfitright.Isatatthetopofthe stairswithmyheadinmyhands,sadonceagain thatIhadtopresentmyselfassomeoneIdidn’t wanttobe.Everyweek.

Iwalkedintothechurch,drenchedmyselfwith holywater,makingthesignofthecrossonmy chest:forehead,betweenmybreasts,right shoulder,thenleft.Thenparticipatedinthe ceremony:Isat,Istood,Ikneeled,onrepeat, mimickingthepriest—themaleinadressinfront ofme alongsidethecommunity.Assoonasit ended,Iquicklyrantothedonutstand,stuffeda cinnamon-sprinkledholeinmymouth,then foundthenearesttreetofulfillmydream.

Ihuggedthebarkwithmyhandssacredlyand gazeduplovingly.Reverentandready.Then,I liftedonefootontothebroadtrunk,openedmy legstorevealmylittle-mermaid-themed underpants,andpulledmyselfintothebushesof leavesthathungfromthebranchesofthetree. Suddenlybelonging.Seriously,mymother followedmeinhorrorscolding:

“Getdownherethisinstant!You’reinadress,you can’tclimbtrees.”

Idescended,quicklyashamed,andwatchedwith envyasmybrothersscaledthetreeeffortlesslyin theirpants,polos,andsensibleboots.Theyteased mefromabove,whileIdroppedtotheground. Bound.Theycouldremain.WhydidIhaveto change?

Itonlygotworse.Itwasasifmywholeworld receivedamemothatIhadn’t.OnHalloween, whenalltheothergirlsworeprettyprincess dresses,Ichoseascaryfishface.Shame.Whenall theothergirlssataroundtheschoolyardand talked,Iplayedballwiththeboys.Disconnection.

Whenalltheothergirlsclaimedpinkwastheir favoritecolor,Iconfidentlystoodupandsaid minewasicecream:aflavorfullofpurplesand bluesandyellowhuesallatonce.Difference.

Whenalltheothergirls’bodiesbecameplump andfullandroundandlovely,minestayedstick straight,flat,andmuscular.Disembodiment. Whenalltheothergirlsseemedtofollowtheroles ofsilenceandsubmissioneffortlessly,mybig mouthalwayssaidwhatevercametomindand challengedthesameconfines.Divergent.Icame tolooklikethetreeIsowantedtoclimb.Strong, stubborn,andstuckinasociety,spirituality,and systemoffamilynotsuitedtome.

Buteventually,Icaved.Icravedtobelikethe others.Tobepopularliketheglitter-studdedeyelineredgirls.Theoneswithflippedoutchin lengthhairandDocMartinplatformshoes embeddedwithstars.Iwantedtobelovedbythe boyslikethem.Valuedformyappearance,my aesthetic,mybody.Itriedsohardtobefemme. Andstartedconformingtofitin.Istoodinfront ofthemirrorandcriticizedeveryflaw,pickedat myskin.Ineversawmyselfasme.Iprayedand playedpretendendlessly.

Irememberthemakeup.Thelonghair.The weekendshoppingtrips.Theglitter.Thegold. Theglue.Thetime.Theeffort.Thecostof consumption.Theinfinityofwants.The insatiableneeds.IrememberwhyIwasdoingit. AndwhoIwasdoingitfor.Them.Men.Tofit in.Itwasalladistraction.Butagainmyfemininity alwaysfellbehind.Becausetherewasstillanother sideofme.

Theswimming,treading,andwaterpoloball passingeverydaytonedmyalreadywide shoulders,furtherflattenedmyleveledchest,kept

myhipsnarrowandfit.Themascaraflowed downmyface,theglitterandgoldwouldn’tstick. Tightswereoutofthequestionatthispointand dressesthatwouldn’tamplifythemasculineshape ofmyfeminineframewerehardtofind.Mymind andmouthstilltooproudandoutspoken.The mostathleticofmyfriends,theychangedmy nameto,“AnnetheMan,”claimingtheduplicity thatbelongedwithinmybody.

AsIgrewolder,thisbinarypolarizedevenmoreas socialconditioningdeepened.Nowprofessionally. Themenwiththree-letteracronymtitles beginningwith“C”surroundedtheconference tableandme.Itriedtoadoptanaestheticof simplicityinsteadofadaptingtothesexist standardsofprofessionalism.Makeup-free,earthtonedclothes,flatshoes,naturallybeautiful.No longerclimbingtrees.Instead,fulfillingnew dreamstoscalecorporateladdersandbreakglass ceilings.

“Anne,youneedtodressup.”

“Wearmoremakeup.Highheels,”theyscolded.

ButIcouldtalkbacknow.“I’llwearmakeupand heelswhenyoudo.”

Theylaugheduncomfortablyandthenwent silent.Butitgotweirderwiththewarnings.

“Anne,theclientyou’regoingtoseetodayis knownforhittingonwomen.You’rehistype.Be careful.”

Theyknew.Mybodywasbeingusedtosell products.Exploitedforthebottomlineofa company.ItwasmyresponsibilitytoensureI wasn’tharmed,notthecompany’sortheclient’s.I knewthesepatternsalltoowell.Because…

Iamanincestsurvivor.Abusedsincetheageof two.Raped.Notonce,nottwice,butoverand overagaininmyyouth.Notbyoneman,notby two,butbythree.Andnotjustbythree,butbyan entirefamilythatcondonedthebehavior,that justifiedthebehavior,thatsweptthebehavior undertherug.

ThosesamebrothersthatteasedmewhenIwas forcedtogetdownfromthetreeneverbelieved me.ThatsamemotherwhoensuredIfitinand neverfulfilledmydreams,supportedthemen whosebodiesIwasforcedtoembody.She demandedforgivenessinthenameofgodand salvationandthechurchthatpassedpriests harmingchildrenfromparishtoparish.Jesus carriedhiscross,somustweatthecostof children’sbodies.OrsoIwastold.

Butitwasallalie.Thepatriarchy.Career satisfactioninasystembuiltformen,bymen.The Catholicimagination,builtformen,bymen.The nuclearfamilysystem,builtformen,bymen.The genderbinary,builtformen,bymen.Theuseof mybody,formen,bymen.Theduplicityofmy beingdividedintotheenergiesofmasculineand feminine.Thenormalizationofsocietythat believedallofthiswasreality,theonlyoption.

Ihadlearnedtosurviveintheselies.Myselfworthmirroringwhatmenthoughtofme.The violenceinternalized.Themakeupmaskingthis uglyreality.Mysoulstandinglikeatreeinmy body,whiletheweedsofpatriarchalideology wrappedarounditwiththeexpectationsof femininity.Trappedundertheweightof oppression.Mytreecouldn’tbreathe.Suffocating undertheirbodies.Warnedwhenaroundtheir bodies.Now,triggeredaroundallbodies.

WhenIdisclosedtheabusetomyfamily,theyleft me.Codependency.Theycouldn’tchallenge thosewhoharmedthem.SoIbecamethecasualty. Theyblamedme.At24,Icarriedallthepainfrom alltheseyearswithinmybody,packedacarfullof belongings,anddroveawayfromwhatIknew hometobeandmybiologicalfamily.

Then,Ihadalotofbaggageliterallyand figuratively.Fromtheinsideout,mybodyfelt heavy.Theweightofintergenerationalwounds, myunprocessedpainandthatofmyancestors.All ofmybelongingsstuffedintothebackofmycar. Uprooted.Atravelingtreewrappedinsuffocating weeds.Noonetoaccompanyme.Deeplylonely.

NowIhadnothingbutcopingmechanisms, Complex-PTSD,debtfromstudentloans,anda floodofunprocessedmemories.Afewdisabilities withoutdiagnosesfromtoomuchtraumafartoo young.Anentirelifetodeconstructand reconstructfromtheinsideoutandtheoutsidein allatonce.Withsolittle,Ihadtobuildanew body,identity,home,family,economy.Butwith theweightofmywounds,Icouldhardlymove.I sleptmostoftheday.

Icouldn’ttellthedifferencebetweentheweeds andthetreewithinme.Buriedalivetosurvive.It wouldtaketime.Bodiesweren’tbuilttobeborn inviolence,thencutdown,thenrebuiltagain backwards.It’snotnatural,butinthiscase necessary.So,Islowlyweededmybodyfromthe insideout.Weedbyweed,Iletthememoriesfall fromme.Theideologies.Theidentities.The binaries.Thespiritualities.Theeconomies.The communities.Thememories.Thefamily.The structuresthatweresupposedtosupportme.The weightoftheirbodiesandtheirabandonment.I dismantledthebranches,severedtheonlypartsof myselfIhadeverknownawayfromme.Then,I

choppedmyselfdown.

Griefwasmyprimaryidentitycoupledwiththe vacuousnessofallthatshouldhavebeenprovided byfamilyfirstorcommunitysecond.Empty.I forgotmyself.Lostmyidentityasatreeinthefirst placeandstruggledtofindanewoneapartfrom thisprocess.Thetreeclimberhadbecomeatree cutterandnoneofitfeltnatural.Completely isolated.Alone.Nowheretogo.Nohometogo hometo.Anabusedbodylostinaworldbuiltto protectthosewhoabuse.Ragefollowed.

Itwasalltoomuchworkatthesametime.To rewiremymindfromthetrapsoftrauma,to reclaimmybodythatwasused,torestoremy beingthatwantedfreedomoveroppressionina systemthatstillrequiredsubmissiontosurvive.To recreateafamily,torebuildaneconomy,to rediscoverawayoflivingthatsuitedmeinthe bodythatstillboretheconsequencesofmy beginning.Topayformostoftheworkoutof pocket,whilegoingtoworktoearnthemoneyto payfortheworkoutofpocket.Toshowup,to dressup,toputonmakeup,foracareerpaththat wouldpaythebills,butneverfulfillmeandlikely retraumatizeme.Risky.Toadvocateforthesafety ofthenextgenerationofchildren.

Iwastrappedinacycleofpushingtoohardthen burningoutforyears.Fromthehealingand hurtingandhidingandholdingmyselfin,holding myselfback,holdingmyselfbound.Icouldhardly functionbetweentheworktoearnmoneyand theworktoheal.Theworktorevealmyformer secretspubliclytoguaranteethatchildrenwere safefrommyfamily.Allofthisresponsibilityon me.Justice,compensation,trauma-informed support,community notpossibilitiesduring recoveryaroundanissuelikeincestabuse.Too taboo.

SoIkeptsimplifyingmylifetofitintolessandless luggage.Thebaggageontheoutsideminimizing whilethebaggageontheinsidetookupsomuch space.IleanedonthestabilityofotherswhileI treatedmyowninstability.Movedfromfriend’s guestroom,tocouch,toblow-upmattress,to cheapapartment,sothatIcouldmanagethecost oflivinginthepresentwhilesurvivingthepast simultaneously.Every3-6months,packing everythingbackuptonotburdenanyonetoo much.Ineededtheworldtoslowdown.Forlife toslowdown.Forthetriggerstoslowdown.So thatIcouldcatchuptomybodynow.

ThenitwasSpringof2020andCovid-19spread totheUnitedStatesjustdownthestreetfromme. Suddenly,everythingsloweddownforallthe wrongreasons.Traumatically,apandemicswept theworld.Butinresponse,protectionswereput inplacethatIhadlongbeenwaitingfor. GovernmentpaychecksIdidn’thavetoearn. Reducedmedicalpremiums.Asuddenly introvertedsocialsystem.Remotework opportunities.Asocietythatcaredaboutmental health.Peoplewhounderstoodthecostof isolation.Solidarity.Instantly,everyoneaskedme forpermissionbeforeapproachingmeortouching me.Ididn’tfeelforcedtohug,ortohold,orto helpothersatmyownexpense.Consent.Finally safeinaworldrequiredtostandsixfeetaway.

Ibecameafulltimewriterfocusedonactivism.I interactedwithpeopleonlyvirtually.Ididn’thave tohidefromcreepymen,ordefendmyvalues,or cakemyfacewithglitterandgoldmakeup,or stuffmyfeetintoheels,ormybodyintodresses tootightforme.Tomanagemylonglocksof hair.Ididn’thavetomask,bywhichImeanact likeIdidn’thavedisabilities.Topretendtobe femme.Torepressmypartsconsideredmasculine.

Instantly,itwasjustmeandmytree.Icouldwake upeverydayandlistentomybody.Violence turnedtoresilience.Reverenceandreadiness.I heldthebarkofmyboneswithbothhands sacredlyandgazedatmyselflovingly.Finally readytobeme.

Icutmyhairintoapixie.Wentmakeupfree. Barefaceddaily.Myskinbreathed.Dressed minimally,simply,comfortably.Mybodybecame bigger.Ilearnedtorest.Withoutthepressureof rebuilding,andearning,andhealing,andholding somuchtrauma,yearningforthefulfillmentofso manystolenyears,managingtheweightof trappedfears.Mybrainbegantosettle.Icould finallybegintopracticebeing.

Then,Ilookedintothemirrorandsawmyselffor thefirsttime.Icalledmyselfqueer.Mypronouns becameshe/theytoholdmyfemmeidentity partneredwithgenderfluidity.Ichangedmy nametoJosephine.Josephinemeansthe “Expansionofbeing.”IgobyJo.now.

TodayIstillcarrymyentirelifeonmyback.ButI movenowbychoicenotnecessity.Itturnsouta lifestyleofsimplicityandtravelsuitsme.Ionly takewithmewhatIneed:afewlongsleevedtshirts,twopairsofpajamasandjeans,bras, underwear,threetypesofblackleggings,socks, andjackets.Oneforrain,oneforsnow,oneforin between.Aswimsuit.Flipflops,pointedflats,and twopairsoftennisshoes oneforwalking,the otherforfun.Atowel.Abagoftoiletries.One necklace.Onelaptop.Onering.Onewallet.Ido haveonedressandonepairoffancyshoes,but rarelywearthem.

So,whataboutthattote?Thatbagfullofmakeup andmaskingtoolsthathavebeensonecessaryto

mysurvival.Theproofoffemininity,the suppressionofmasculinity,theoppressionof disability.Dotheystillhavetobe?

Suddenly,functionwinsoverformasIwalkinto thekitchenandconfidentlythrowthebagfullof brushesandglitterandgold-packedpowdersright intothetrash.Andwithitthepatriarchy,thefalse genderbinaries,thenuclearfamily,theCatholic hierarchy,thefailureofsystemsmeanttosupport me,forcedidentities,heteronormativity.Allthe effortrequiredtoappeartobesomeoneelse. WhetherIneedthemornot,thisisnotwhoI choosetobe.

Itakethebaggageofmybodywithme:my neurodiversities,mydisabilities,myhistories,my identities.ButthisburdenInowcallbeloved.

Home.Andtherestofmybelongingsarepacked intothosethreebags.Theminimalismofthislife invitesthemaximalismofmyexperience.Areality alwayscallingmetomore.Moreliberation,more justice,morefreedom,moreplay,morepurpose, morepleasure.Moreofallthisandlessofallthat. Crap.

Whataqueerandperfectwaytobe.Atraveling treeexpandingher/theirbeingwithoutthe constrainingweeds.Iflowinfluidityandletmy beingguideme.So,whereamIgoing?We’llsee. Ihopeitfeelslikegoldandglitterandthefreedom ofchildrenclimbingtrees.Allowedtobe.Theone thingIknowconfidently:I’lllookjustlikeme. Josephine.

One: candyappleshellac opentorevealwhitefangs

asnakebitefromthefruit lethalsmile neverserveahouse

ofmenwith tinyminds

neversleep

poisedandpatient

inaglasscoffin

wanderthewoodsuntil amutualwildnesssetsin afrenziedtogetherness

Two: stainoffuchsiajuice

wornwarning

warpaint

inthisstillbody

residesafight

quietmountains

sceniccanyons

canstillholdpoison

takecare

pressinglipstoany

thinggrowingfree

stormsrollstealthy

infromnowhere

lipglosstriptych

mikkirios

Three: frozenstrawberry inaforeverfield surrounded bystasishibiscus

winterglazedover summer kissesalive onlyinmemories

veiledinnostalgia’sluster ashimmerache

likeabruise’smemory pinkdiamondthreatens collapseintogelanytime

lipglossduet(acontinuation)

mikkirios

Four: whimsicalsheen

coralyetblue

lightsstrobeon

themerry-go-round

adelicatedizzytwirl

stickysweetpucker

slowdance

candiedflowers

floatinginlemonade

carnivaltents/jellomolds

transientpalacesofmoments

loveshandsquiver

holdinglikelettinggokills

Five: champagnegold

pulseofthedisco

luxuryforeverybody

sootintofiligree

nightstretchesacat

everyone’slimbs

reachingoutlikeroads

graspingforstars

mirrorballglimmers

browssizzlingsweatbodies

meldingindistinguishable

enchantmenthoversheavy

eachnightawakingdream

plumpingglosses(anexpansion)

mikkirios

Six: asadultswebuy cosmeticsyouthscented birthdaycake

cartooncereal askidswestolefromvanities

pristinebathroomcounters eachtooltransformative thismakeslipsbigger

thismakeseyeswider thismakesanosesmaller thismakesyoulighterthisdarker thismakesyoudifferent withouttellingasoul

Seven: thevialsaysfire

anditburnstrue

trueredlikechiles

cherrycolaignition

iusedtohatespicy

torebelasmexican

thewayistillcan’tdo

rainbowaspartofmyqueer

butpicanteisastateofmind

embersfleckkindlinghair

moltentonguethrowssparks

comesearbymymouth

charwithmywords

sweetgloss(amissive)

mikkirios

Eight:

beenonthisrollercoaster itneverreallygetsold itellmyselfbeastatue youareapassingzephyr butyoukissmeintopicturing sherbetsummerdrippinginto hotcocoawinter

i’msolovedrunkwithpossibility youareanopenbar watermelondaiquiri infivegulps

mezcalandspicedpearismother usinsapoozingfrommycore

skincareforgrownfolk sarahsheppeck

Theskincareindustryismoresaturatedwith productsthanever.Itseemslikeeveryfewmonths there’sanew,buzzyproductbeingtoutedby everyonefrombeautyinfluencerstoprofessional makeupartists.Andifyouwereraisedintheeraof NoxemaandClearasil,thesuddeninfluxof“holy grail”productsandbuzzybrandsmightseem overwhelming,leavingyourGooglehistoryfilled withquerieslike,“Docucumbersoneyesactually doanything?”“DoIneedeyecream?”and“WTF issnailmucin?”

Fearnot,yourfaerygodqueerisheretodemystify someofthemostcommonquestionsabout skincare.

WHATORDERSHOULDIDOMY SKINCAREROUTINEIN?

TheOrder:Cleanser,toner,serum,moisturizer. Therearevariations(exfoliant-cleanser-spot treatment-eyecream-faceoil),butgenerallythisis TheWay.Why?Densityandocclusivity.Science!

Cleansingisalwaysthefirststepinyourskincare routine.Afterthat,anyproductsyouuseshouldbe

layeredbyusingthelightestproductsfirst,and themostdenseproductslast.Puttingonaheavy moisturizer,forexample,beforeputtingonaspot treatmentwillpreventthespottreatmentfrom penetratingyourskin,leavingittositontopof themoisturizerinstead.

So,themore-or-lessdefinitiveorderofskincare application:

Exfoliant

Cleanser

Toner

Serum(s)

EyeCream

SpotTreatment

Moisturizer

Sunscreen

FaceOil

DOINEEDTHAT?

Ifyou’rethinking,“Wait,Idon’tuse ”or“I didn’tknowIwassupposedto ,”that’sokay. Let’sbreakdowntheproductcategoriesthatare absolutelynecessaryformaintainingthehealthof yourskin.

NOTE:Iamnotbeingcompensatedforanyof theproductrecommendationsImakehere. AnythingImentionbynameissomethingI actuallyuseandlove.

Exfoliant

Thisstepisn’tnumberedabovebecauseit’sthe onlyonethatshouldn’tbedonedaily.Overexfoliatingcanleadtoskinirritationand aggravationofexistingskinconditions,likeoil overproduction.Thatsaid,exfoliating1-3times perweekcanhelpimprovetheoveralltextureof yourskin.Thisstepalsohelpstoremovelayersof deadskincells,makingiteasierforyourskinto absorbproduct.

Iespeciallyrecommendexfoliatingyourfaceand lipsduringthewintermonths,sinceremoving chappedskinhelpsensurethatyourmoisturizers andbalmsareactuallydoingtheirjobs.

HowtoApply:Usingawashclothoryourhands, rubinacircularmotionondampskinandrinse withwarmwaterbeforecleansingasusual.

HowThisFitsinTheRoutine:1-3timesaweek, exfoliatebeforebeginningyourusualskincare routine.

Sarah’sRecommendations:

BestBlack-Owned:KeysSoulcareBeLuminous Exfoliator,$25

BestforLips:LushHoneyLipScrub,$13.50

BestUnder$20:Burt’sBeesConditioningLip Scrub,$9

Cleanser

Ifabsolutelynothingelse,washyourfacemorning andnight.Morningtoclearsweatandoilthat mayhavebuiltupovernight,andintheevening toclearyourfaceofenvironmentalpollution,

productbuildup,andbacteria.

HowtoApply:Workcleanserintodampskinin acircularmotionusingyourhandsorafacial cleansingbrush.

HowThisFitsinTheRoutine:Thisisusuallythe firststepinyourskincareroutine.Ifyou’re exfoliatingfirst,cleanseimmediatelyafter exfoliation.

Sarah’sRecommendations:

BestforSensitiveSkin:KeysSoulcareGolden Cleanser,$22

BestforDrySkin:ButtahSkinCleanser,$15 BestUnder$20:UrbanHydrationNourish& RehydrateCastor&SheaFaceWash,$10

NOTE:KeysSoulcare,ButtahSkin,andUrban HydrationareBlack-ownedbrands.

EyeCream

Youabsolutelydoneedaneyecream.Sorry, babes.Theskinaroundyoureyesisuptoten timesthinnerthantheskinontherestofyour face,meaningit’smuchmoresusceptibleto damage.Youdon’thavetogoforexpensiveantiagingorwrinklereducingcreams(wedon’t promoteageisminthisfamily),butyoudowant togetamoisturizerthat’smadespecificallyforthe eyearea.

HowtoApply:Scooporsqueezeoutsome product–youneedlessthanyouthink–ontoyour ringfingeranddab,don’trub,aroundyoureye. Whyyourringfinger?Becauseit’stheweakest, andthusleastlikelytopullatthedelicateskin aroundyoureyes.

Ifyoureyesgetpuffyinthemorning,keepyour eyecreaminthefridge–thecoolnesswillhelp

bringdowntheswelling.

HowThisFitsinTheRoutine:Aftercleansing, toning,andserums,beforespottreatmentand moisturizer.

Sarah’sRecommendations:

BestforDrySkin:HonestBeautyCalm&Renew MeltingEyeBalm,$28

BestforBlack-owned:KeysSoulcareRadiantEye Cream,$30

BestUnder$20:e.l.f.CosmeticsHolyHydration! EyeCream,$10

Moisturizer

Moisturizeyourface,baby.Everyday.Evenif–in factespeciallyif–youhaveoilyskin.Oil overproductionisactuallyaresponsetoyourskin beingdry,somoisturizingregularlywillhelpoil anddryskinalike.

HowtoApply:Useyourhandstoapplytoyour faceandneckinacircularmotion.Ifyourface getspuffyinthemorning,trykeepingyour moisturizerinthefridgeandapplyingitwhileit’s cold.

HowThisFitsinTheRoutine:Aftercleansing andtoning,beforeeyecreamandspottreatment.

Sarah’sRecommendations:

BestGelMoisturizer:UrbanHydrationAloeVera DailyMoisturizer,$8

BestforDrySkin:ButtahSkinFacialSheaButter, $19

BestUnder$20:freshRoseDeepHydrationFace Cream,$18

NOTE:ButtahSkinandUrbanHydrationare Black-ownedbrands.

Sunscreen,FaceOil,andPrimers Yes,sib,youneedsunscreen.Yes,eveninthe winter.Yes,evenifyou’remelanated.Some moisturizerscomewithSPF,asdosome foundations,soI’mlumpingsunscreeninwith primingtheskinformakeup,althoughIknow notallofuswearmakeupdaily(oratall!).

Facialoilsarelessnecessarythansuncreen, althoughthey’reagreatwaytogetinevenmore moisturebeforeapplyingmakeup–agoodtipfor thoseofuswhoprefermattefoundationlooks.

HowtoApply:Useyourhandstoapplytoyour skininupwardstrokes.

HowThisFitsinTheRoutine:Thisisthelaststep intheroutine,afterallotherproductshavebeen applied.

Sarah’sRecommendations: BestSunscreen:BlackGirlSunscreen MoisturizingSunscreenLotion,$16 BestforPrimingMakeup:DanessaMyricks BeautyOil,$30

BestUnder$20:FlowerBeautySupernova CelestialPrimingWhip,$17

NOTE:BlackGirlSunscreenandDanessa MyricksareBlack-ownedbrands.

Stillhavequestions?Tagusonsocialmediaand askaway!Youneverknow,youmightevensee yourquestioninprintinafutureissue.

Nowgoforthandglow,babes.

themane attraction

hair-story:abreakdownofbreakdowns e.m.lark

WhileontheBrooklyn-boundQtrain,youhave therealizationthatyou,asyouarerightnow,can dowhateveryouwantwithyourbody.With yourlife.Withyourhair,even,whichhasbeena definingfactorofyourappearanceandpersonage forwhatfeelslikeforever.

Realizethatyouneverreallyabsorbedallthe adviceyouweregivenbecauseitwasintheframe ofbeingawoman,andyouunconsciously rejectedit.Yourejectedanythingthatreminded youoftheplacethatyouwereputin,suchan unholystateforyourbodytobe.

Languageispowerful,youremindyourself. You’veknownthis,it’syourlivelihood.Youhated yourselfforallthetimesyoudidn’thavethewords todescribeyourtruestbeing,northecourageto speakitaloud.

Ateighteenyouknewmorethanyoudoat twenty-five;you’recuriousenoughtotryoutthat proclamation,eveninthedark.

Furiouslywriteinyourjournalasyoupassover theEastRiver,yourkneesscrunchedup,andthe solesofyourshoespressedintotheperpendicular seat.Youcanbarelyreadyourhandwriting,but youknowthatthewordsmeaneverythingto you.

Contemplateyournewfoundrevelationthewhole wayhomewhilelisteningtoyourspecificforevery-version-of-meplaylistthatyoumadeasa therapeuticexercise.

Ignorethatsomeoneelseseeingthisplaylistwould probablythinkit’scringe.

Onceyou’rehome,politelysteparoundyour roommate’scat—wholikestoweavearoundyour feet grabyourpairofshears,andlockthe bathroomdoor.

Fixyourheadphones,stareatyourselfinthe mirror,andcontemplatewhatyoumightlooklike withallofitoff.Ifthisexperimentworksallthe

way,thenitwillbegone.Youwillhavefollowed inthefootstepsofsomanybeforeyou.

Putitoffforthenexttwentytothirtyminutes, pacingbackandforthinyourbathroom.Your handtrembles,andsotheshearstremblewithit. Yourheartraces,andyourbreathgrowsshort. You’resomewhatconvincedyou’regoingtopass outinthebathroominsteadofcuttingyourhair.

What if they hate me for it? Am I betraying my family? youaskyourself,whichhurts.Yourbrief euphoriafromthetrainhasgroundtoahalt,andit makesyourchestache.

Actuallystartcuttingyourhair.Reallycutit, movingyourshearsthroughtheforestofyour hair.

Realizethatyourshearsaren’tstrongenoughto endurethewildsofhair,barelycuttingthrough thetoplayer.

Laugh. Watchthehairfallintoyourhand.

Rememberthatoneofyourexessaidhelikedgirls withshorterhair,andthatmadeyouangry becauseyouweretryingtogrowoutyourhair. Youwerenevergoodwithbeingtoldwhattodo, nomatterhowmuchofyourliferevolvedaround beingapeople-pleaser.

Evenabrokenclockisrighttwiceaday.You werenevermeanttofillthoseshoes.

Gotelloneofyourbestfriendswhathappened. Shelaughsafterassuringthatyou’reokay,andyou laughbecauseit’sstilltoofuckingfunnyforits owngood.

Putoffmakingahairappointmenttofixwhat wentwrong.You’llsurvive.

cuttingitclose felixsalmoran

CW:mentionsofaddiction,cancer, death/suicide

And at the bottom, it wasn’t a fear at all but a desire. RiverHalen,“DreamRooms”

MyfirstissuewithhairwasthatIdidn’twantit.

Igotmycurlsfrommymom,andshemademe intoSamson.WheneverIwantedahaircut growingup,shewouldwarn,no more than two inches.Althoughwe’vestoppedspeaking,I’ve internalizedhervoice.Inthemirror,mostly, antes muerta que sencilla

Ispentmychildhoodpullingmyhairbackasflat asIcouldintoasinglebun,gettingasclosetobald aspossible.Whenmybodyhairenteredthescene, Iwaspetrified.ThedayIfoundmyfirstleghair, sittingontheflooroftheelementaryschool orchestraroom,Icamehomeandcriedtomy

mom,whonoddedandhandedmearazor.By highschool,Iwasshavingnearlymyentirebody.

Outofdesperation,Ibleachedmyarmhair,Itried Nair,andI'dtakentoflat-ironingmyheadhair almosteveryday,continuingthroughmy sophomoreyearofcollege,untilonedayIdidn't wantto,andhaven’tsince.Ihadjustcomeoutas gaythen,andwasdowntoshavingonlymy ‘stache,torso,fingersandtoes mydebutdoublecastintheroleof“other.”

WhenImetmyhairdresser,Ihadjustmovedtoa newcityafterundergrad,andhadgottenabad haircutattheHairCutteryrightbefore graduation.Inthenextyear,Ihadhalfadozen drasticallydifferenthairstyles—myhairwentfrom hiplengthtobabymullet,whichIthengrewout foralmosttwoyears.Mymulletborn,Istarted usingthey/thempronouns,andstoppedshaving completely liberatedbymydeviance.

Soonerdeadthansimple thisismorethanmymother’scatchphrase;it’satruthbywhichshelives(onethatIhatedgrowingup, andassociatedwithinauthenticityandmaintainingsomelevelofperformancetocontroltheillusionofhowothersperceiveyou, eventhoseclosesttoyou)

OnceIfeltlikeI’dreachedpeakmullet neon orangetipswiththesidesfadedtothescalp Ihad myhairdresserchopitoff,leavingmewithfour inchesofcurlontop,whichIimmediatelydyed platinum. *

WhenIshavedmyheadforthefirsttime,itwas toshedtheoutermostedgesofmyexistence,turn thesoil,seehowthelandhadchanged,andwhat newnesscouldgrow.Iwasjustbarelypre-T; fallingoutoftouchwithmymother;mydadhad justbeendiagnosedwithstageIVcancer;Denim, mycat,soulmate,angel,andmyinspirationwhen Ifirstdyedmyhairgray,hadjustdied.Iwas addictedtoXanax,andIquitmytechstartupjob, althoughIcan’trememberwhichhappenedfirst.I shavedmyhairdownwithnoguardtwice,and grewitoutforhalfayearafterwards.Thatwasthe longestI’veevergonewithoutahaircut,and coincidentallymyfirstsixmonthsonHRT. WhenIfinallysawmyhairdresseragainandgota freshfade,Iwenthome,hadmyhousematedo myeyemakeup,andtookadozenpicturesof myself.

ThesecondtimeIshavedmyheadwasthispast summer;Iwasnolongerspeakingtomymother; ithadbeenoverhalfayearsincemydearfriend B,whohadthemostbeautifulbleachblondecurls diedbysuicide;Iwasafewmonthssober;andI hadgottenmisgenderedatmynewjobthree timesin48hours,notlongafterI’dreachedmy maximumdoseoftestosterone.Mystomachwas thefirstplacetogethairyonHRT,soIfound myselfwithmorehairtherethanonmyhead,and Iexcitedlybroughtoutmyoldcroptops,feeling newlycomfortablewiththeimplicitfemininity.

Istayedbaldlonger,noticingtherecessionofmy hairline,whichcausedpanicandgendereuphoria. Ischeduledmytopsurgeryconsultation,andin ordertogroundmyselffortheBigChop,I resolvedtohavemycurlsagain.Idreadedthe growingoutprocess,soIhadmyhairdresserclean upmysidesandshapeonceamonth.Ihave anotherhaircutscheduledsoon,justintimefor mywispysideburnstoconnecttothethedistinct shadowgrowingalongmyjawline.

Earlierthisyear,Ipostedaseriesofpicturestomy Instagramstories,ratingmyhairstylesfromhigh schooluptonow.Layingmyselvesoutlikea puzzle,it’scleartomethateachpiecemakesup myownreflection,willingtostareback.

Recently,myhousematesaidtome,your hair has lived so many lives. Andineachone,Isurvivea worldthattellsmeIcanneverlookinalignment withhowIfeel;Ifermentmyownbecoming.My hair shavinglinesintothesides,growingitout, coloringthetips,stylingawetlook—isnotmy crown,butmyshield.It’showIhonorandheala multiplicityofselvesandactualizations,howI establishandexpressmyexpansion.

Faithfully,myhairisthefirsttocatchuptomy heart,inthisrelayraceagainstonlytime,with infinitebeginnings.Andwhatbecomestimein thefaceofimmortality?

ThereisamyththatyourhairandnailskeepgrowingafteryoudieItturnsoutthisisanillusioncausedbytheshrinkageofthe skinaroundthefolliclesdryingout,shrivelingupIdecidethisillusionisenough,forme

ellipsisformyfemininebody nnadisamuel

Praiseforyourlointhatsparksacontroversyrelicofskin, ligament&bone-softflesh:alltheterrortomournyou.

yet,yourpubescence:thewayeachstranddevoursspace, spreadingvoraciousacrossalap.

here,theloindemandssafety.demandswaybeyond beingwelltrimmed&prim-proper,demandwaystodefy thisbiologicalmake-up afflictingthegapinbetweenmyhip.

howthebushbeneath,misgendermyyouthfulness.

Iholdachurch’spamphlet,&thesermontranslatespubescence asdisasteroverrunningagirl'sbody.

Iconfesstothedamage,toshortchangingmyselfinmeasuringup tothisworth,byplantingascissortoeacharmpit.

&inthenextweek,Iamskin-thornyasaporcupine. allstarchedhair&razoredmeat swordingoutofmyloin. asacrilege,wieldedindefenceofwhoeverraisedme.

Iamvolatile:headtotoe. IrecalltheteenageratNewJerseywho, inabidtooutdresshisage skinhisbonesalive. flesh,hangingfromkneecap.

&inthesamebreath,Isurroundabathtubwithaparingknife, beheadingeachbushypart

thepamphletsays:‘razoring the body is a penance for harlot’ but,isn’tourloinatempleofGod&othersmallerthings?

beloved,Iwishyouastress-freeshave. Iimplore,youexperimentmoreonwashclothdoused incoconutoil asoftenasyoubleed.

jassaunders

IfIrememberright,Ifirstwantedtocutmyhair whenIwastwelve nearlythirteen.

Itwouldhavebeenagoodwaytostarttheschool yearatthenewschoolifIhadcutmyhairthen. Startafresh;reinventmyselftolookmorelike myself;untanglemyoldknots.Ihadalwaysbeen atomboy inprimaryschool,soIwasn’tcutting downanytreestogetmyselftowhereIhad wantedtobe Iwasencouragingtherootsto growintherightdirection.

However,asatwin,Iwasconsciousofdisrupting thebalance.Twogirlswiththeirgo-tothick braids.Twogirlswithpigtailsinkindergarten schoolphotos.We’renon-identical;fraternal, whichonlyreinforcedtheideasinmyheadthatI wasexpectedtobeapartofamatchingset.After all,peopleexpecttwinstolookalike.

Ionlyknewonegirlwithshorthairinmypublic primaryschool.Shewastwogradesbelowmebut inthesamechoirgroup.Ididn’tknowherwell, thoughIrememberhergettingmistakenfora

boyandwishingIcouldhavethatability.UntilI noticedher,Ididn’trealizeitwasanoptionfor girlstohaveaboys’haircut.Itwassomething almostalwaysreservedforstraight,middle-aged and/orelderlywomen.Orlesbians,whowereonly spokenofnegativelywithdisgustoroffensive jest.

WhenIgottomiddleschool,Iknewthreegirls withshorthair.

Twoofthemwereinmygradebutnotinmy classes.Isawtheminthehallwaysoronschool camp.Oneofthemhadapixiecutwithaheavy sidefringe,asifshewasinheremophase.She wasn’tatourmiddleschoolforlong,andthe fringelookedtoogirlyforme likepassiveaggressivelygivingeyelashestoanM&Mtosay, Hey! She’s a girl!

Theothergirlhadshaggier,slightlylongerhair, likeamullet butwithouttheshavedsides,sinceit wasn’tthetrendthen,especiallynotinAnglican school.Sheleftourschoolinninthgrade,and

whenIsawherafewyearslater,shehadgrown herhairout,likeshecouldgetawaywithitwhen shewasyoung,butonceshe’dgottenolder,she didn’twanttobeassumedtobeoneofthoseevil lesbians.There’snothingstraightgirlshatemore thanbeingassumedtobeoneofthose.

ButIwasstilljealousthattheirparentsletthem haveshorthairwithoutattachingthestereotype thatitmadethemgay,thattheydidn'tcarethat peoplecouldthinkofthemasother becauseof theirhair.Theycouldjusthavewhattheywanted.

Thethirdgirl,however?Threegradesaboveme inseniorschool,weonlysharedrecesstime.She wasdifferent.Itwasn’tloveatfirstsight,butitwas definitelymyownAlisonBechdel’sRing-of-Keys moment.Sheworethegirls’schooldressuniform, buthermasculinityradiatedstraightthroughit. Shewasbutch.Unliketheothergirls,shewasone oftheevillesbians.Thesideofherhairwas buzzeddownasmuchasthedress-codeallowed. Shedidn’twalk;sheswaggeredaroundthe campuswithconfidence,asiftheconservative schoolwasaPrideparade.Withher,Ifelt admirationandlonging,abitterdisappointment thatourpathsonlycrossedfortwentyminutesof theschoolday.

WhenIwasfourteen,Istartedfeelingdysphoric.I hatedmylonghair.Ihatedmychest.Ihatedmy voice.Ihatedmyself.Inhindsight,someofitwas probablyhatingmysexuality.Ihadmyfirst celebritycrushonZooeyDeschanelwhenIwas five.EnteringmiddleschoolwasthefirsttimeI properlyrealizedIwasn’tliketheothergirls.Istill didn’tlikedresses.IknewIdidn’tlikemakeup;it wassomethingIhadonlyborrowedfrommy mumonce whenIwasfivealso askingherto putredlipstickonmynosesoIcouldpretendto beaclown.Asateen,IfeltlikeIcouldn'tescape

outofmyownbrain.WheneverItoldmymumI wantedtocutmyhair,shesaidI’dregretit,orthat itwouldtakeforevertogrowback,asifI’d inevitablywantlonghairassoonasIhackeditoff. Maybethatwastherealclownbehaviorallalong.

AfterIgotoutedtomymumattheendofhigh school,Itoldhertonotpanic,thatIwouldn’t wanttolooklikeoneofthoselesbians.

*

Mydadworkedwithanolder,hard-butchlesbian dubbedtheAustralianEllenDeGeneresbythe departmentfullofmen.Theyteasedherabout beingamanlydyke.Shewastrue-bluethough, knewhowtotakeitonthechin—arealAussie battlerthatcouldgivebanterbacklikea superpower.Imetheronceortwice;fiveyears ago,whenAustralialegalizedsame-sexmarriage,I hadablastdancingto“NutbushCityLimits”at hersmallbackyardweddingwheresheworea suit.IwishIhadn’tbeensoanxioustoconfidein heraboutmyownlesbianismandaskheradvice asababybutch.ButIwasstuckinadress.Myhair waslong.Shewasessentiallyastranger.

*

Mumknowingmysexualitydeepenedmy internalizedhomophobia.Icouldgetawaywith wearingmymasculineclothing,butonlybecause Ihadthelonghairtocompensate.ButIhadto havenobodyhair.Ihadtowearmakeup.Icould beahalf,butnotawholeofwhoIwas.

Ifinallymanagedtocutmyhairthisyear.It startedwithanundercutuntilIknewIhadtoget ridoftherest.Iknowbutchescanrocklonghair, buttheknotsandtheemotionaltanglesweren’t worthit.Iwassickofbeingpretty,likean

object,sickofmyhairdraggingmeandmy confidencedown.Iwantedtofeelhandsomefor once;Iwantedtofeellikeme.

Mymumwasn’tkeenontheidea,despitehaving shorthairherselfbackinthe‘80s.ButIbooked myselfanappointment,toldheraboutittheday before,anddidmybesttoignorethelookonher face.WhenIcamehomefromthestudiothenext day,Ifeltaslightasafeather.Andshecame around;Iknewshewould.

BeinginadresswithlonghairfeelslikeI’min drag.Femininityisattractive;itjustdoesn'tfeel likeme.

Ihaven’twornadresssincegraduatinglast December,butIstillfeellikepeoplewantmeto splashonmakeuporwearsomethingfeminine, evenwhentheysaythatIsuitmyhairmorenow, orthattheycan'timaginemewithlonghairorin adress.There’sthisexpectationthatIneedto makeupfortheabsenceoflong,lingeringlocks.

Butcuttingmyhairwasavowtomyself.AndI’ve stucktoit.

Whenmyhairgetstoolong,that’swhenitfeels liketherearesnakesinmyhair,slidingdownmy headandtomyshoulders,asifI’maMedusaof myownkind exceptIturntostonewhen someonelooksatme.

AfterfinallyhavingwhatI’vewantedforsomany years,mysubconscioustakesitawayfromme.I’m transformedbackintowhoIoncewas an uncomfortableadultwhohatestolookinthe mirror,whoshowerswithhereyesclosed.

Ilieinbed,andthesnakesslitherlikerestless childrenacrossthepillows,downmyneck.

They’recold,andtheirscalesscratchme.Ihave nightmaresthattheytalktome,tryingtotellme thatI’mnotgoodenough,strongenough,butch enough.ButIdon’tbelievethem,andIwakeup.I alwaysdo.

Andthat’sapartofmyreward.Igettopush onwardsandpersist,becauseIamwhoIhave alwaysbeen.IlookhowIhavealwayswantedto. AndIletlittlegirlsknowtheycanlooklikeme;I letlittleJasknowshedoeslooklikeme.Inaworld thathatesmasculinewomen,Iwakeupandhold myheadhigh,croppedhairandall.

noscrubs

mirroredfatalitysurvivestheapocalypse mirroredfatality interviewedbyjodavis-mcelligatt

Who-and/orwhat-ismirroredfatality?

Introduceyourselves!

mirroredfatalityisanunderground interdependentKapampanganandSouthAsian xenotransexperimentalandhealingnoisepunk farmerduosharingtheirrituals+altars.mirrored fatalitycreatestheir“cocoonwebs”combining performanceart,music,spokenword,film, photography,painting,drawing,upcycled garments,anti-imperialisteducation,andhealing justicepracticespacestomobilizeawarrior communityrespondingtotransnationalcalls-toactionformutualaid,landsovereignty,andprison abolition.

TheyhavetouredacrossTurtleIsland(United StatesofAmerica),UnitedKingdom,Mexico, Thailand,andSpain(Editor’sNote:checkout mirroredfatality’stimelineat tinyurl.com/mftimeline).Asfarmerartists, mirroredfatalityhascompletedseveralresidencies. mirroredfatalityinternationallyperformstheir

sonicmetamorphosiscontainer,COCOON WEBS:aferociousaffirmationofchaostoharness ancestralpower,primalspirit,collectivefury,and interconnectednesstoourmultiverseinaworld numbinguswithtoxicforces.VALE, BIOME(TRICS),BLOOM,UTOPIA, INVALIDATION,REINCARNAGE, PRIMALDIALMAGMA,andEARTHBODY(S) arerestorativeanthemstosustainusthroughthe revolutiontogroundancestrally,movethrough feelingsofinvalidation,catharticallyrelease remnantsimprintedbysystemicand intergenerationaltrauma,andimaginevisions towardscollectiveliberationandlandjustice.

Howwouldyoudefineyourstyleaesthetic?

mf:Duringourperformanceat143rdDimension, aQueerandTransPunkFestivalinOakland+ SanFrancisco,ourfriendGaiaWXYZcalledus “apocalypticspasmsfromanticolonialmutants.” Althoughourcurrentspiritsareadornedin

humanflesh+bones,weactivateourtrueforms througharmor+warriorwarereflectingthe hybridityofutilitariancyborg, primordialendangeredspecies,anddecaying earthlandscapes.Ouraestheticcombines technologicaltrash,cyberpunk,upcycledwares, theinternationalundergroundtrans+queer punk/ravescene,andnaturallysourcedmaterials. Wetrytoembodythehybridityof animals+cyborgs+transhumans:thelamanhaiwaan andlabuadmeklooq(kampanganurdufor:flesh beastandearthcreature);themultispecies inhabitantsof2022&3033livingonECOCIDE 3URTH;thecorpsesofnaturalecosystemsof planetearthmurderedbyapathetichumansand artificialintelligenceseekingvengeance.Our aestheticcombinesdystopianfuturismwith ancientmatterrootedfromourSouthAsian+ Kapampanganancestors+futuredescendantsand allowsustomorphintothecreatureswehopeto existinwhencapitalismandclimatecatastrophe areobliteratedandalllivingbeingslivefree.

Whatinspiresyourfashion?Wheredoyou lookwhenyouneedaestheticideas?

mf:Ourfashiondrawsitsinspirationfromthe blessingthatisperformingasmirroredfatality.As mirroredfatalityweareabletotraveltodifferent partsoftheworldandexperiencevaryingpunk shows,raves,theaterperformances,dancefestivals, filmscreenings,andbreakbreadwithother QTBIPOCartists+freedomfighters.The undergroundqueerandtransofcolorsceneswe areinallowustocontinuetoimaginenew heightsofinspirationandgenreboundlessness. Throughourtravelsweareinspiredbythepeople welovealongwiththecostumes+filmswe absorb.Lately,we’vereallybeeninspiredbyour friendswhocreateclothes(whowecommission forcostumestowearontour!)andtvshows/films

gearedtowardsarealityof cyberfuturismtranshumanism.Ourtours especiallyintheUnitedKingdomimpactedour fashioninspiration ourfriendsCatLauiganfrom theBayAreainCalifornia,Klank,Lynn,andWes whoshareastudiospaceinHackneyWick,Fran ofYouAreTheNextGeneration,Fantastic Toilies,PuerDeorum,YilingZhao,QueerRave Soundsystem,ConqueerEvent’sFashionShow wemodeledin,andRiposteLondon.

Howdoyouseemusicandfashionworking together?Doyouthinkofthemtogetheror separately?

mf:Musicandfashionformirroredfatalityare importantcogsofourmachinicdimension.Our physicalpresentationisanimportantpartofour performancebecauseweareembodyinglaman haywan/labuadmeklooq’s(fleshbeasts/earth creatures):posthumanfreak,cyborg,animal creatureswhoarechannelingtheceremonywe arecreating.

creatureswhoarechannelingtheceremonywe arecreatiOurpropssymbolizeourarmor,our guitarcableswehaveusedacrosstheworldto disseminateIndigenousgenocide(Weinviteyou tosupportStandwithKashmirandLiyang Network)andhumanrightsviolations communityknowledge,chainsweliberatedto freetreetrunksfromdeforestation,andmaskswe mustnowuseinthefaceoftheCOVID-19 pandemic,chemtrails,andteargasandbombsat protests.

Wemimicthemovementsofmachinesthatare malfunctioningthroughrapidglitching choreographytoenvisionthatalltechnological weaponsofsurveillancecanandwillbe demolished.Wheneverourequipmentorcar breaksdown,werepurposethemintofashion. We’vetakenoldquarterinches,carheadlights, radios,andTVS,andhaveincorporatedtheminto ourcostumesandperformance.

Howdoyouseefashionaspolitical?Dowe havearesponsibilitytobuybetter-ormaybe notatall?Howdoyouthinkcanwebeand dobetter?

mf:WerecentlywatchedShuLeaCheang’sECO CYBERNOIAfilm,FreshKill.Cheangsays ECOSCYBERNOIAis“massiveintrusionsof networkingtechnologyintopeople'slives,”and whatsheforesawas“afuturewheremultinational mediaempiresclashwithhackers.”Thefilmdida beautifuljobofshowingunnecessarywaste impactingallofusglobally.Thewaysinwhich wecanconsumefashionthroughtheshopping taboninstagram,Amazon,Aliexpress,andetchas hijackedourconsumptionrates.Fastfashion, clothingcreatedfromdifferentpartsoftheworld, andthewastewedonotwitnessinthisprocessis literallykillingtheEarthanditslivingbeings.

Asmusiciansandperformers,werefrainfrom buyingintotheideathatweneednew wardrobes/costumesconstantly—weusuallywear thesamecostumeswe’veaccumulatedthepast4 yearsandfindwaystorewearthemorrepairthem whentheyfallapartsowedon’tconsume unnecessarymaterial.

Wealsoaimtomakefashionauctionswherewe donatepiecesofclothingtomutualaidand transnationalcallstoaction.Forexample,wedida COCOONWEBSexhibitionatConeShape

Topwherewesolddressesandairbrushedshirts withproceedssupportingLGBTQIA+ communitiesinKashmirundermilitary occupationbyIndia,environmentalfrontline defendersinMindanaowhoarestandingbetween extractiveindustriesandvitalold-growth

rainforests,majorriversystems,andotherlifegivingecosystemsinMindanao,Philippines,and landlesseldermigrantFilipinofarmersinOrosi, California.

Whereareyourfavoriteplacestolookfor clothing?Howdidyoulearntomakeand designyourownclothes?Anytipsforfolks whowanttodothesame?

mf:Wefindalotofclothesfromlovedones passingthemontous(onetimeourqueerelder Queengaveustheiroldleatherbondagepants), thriftandvintagestores,fleamarkets,fabricstores, andbuypiecesfromdesignerswhoweareour friendsorincollaborationwith.Welearnedto designandmakeourownclothesusingmood boardsofartists,designers,andpicturesfromour favoritefilms,performances,andlookbooksand thatinspiredusandapplyingthattowhatever fabricwehadaroundus.

Neitherofushaveanytraininginfashionbutwejustbeganupcyclingoldclothesor findingclotheswithtexturesorcolorsthatinterestedusandtheneditingthem.Forthe airbrushedshirts,ourfriendParkerdidaskillshareoftheirairbrushmachineandletususe theirmaterialstomaketwoshirtswethenauctionedforStandwithKashmirandLiyang Network.Webothhandseweverythingsowestartedbyjustcuttingupclothes,painting orspraypaintingonthemandthensewingpiecestogether.

WhenwefilmedtheBLOOMMusicvideo,we foundwhitedressesthatwecut,spraypainted,and paintedontomaketheoutfitsweworeinthe video.Also,fortheExosystemEcoskeleton Garments,wewantedtomakenewcostumesand repurposedneongreenbicyclelongsleevesthat wethendyedwithfoundobjectsaroundthe desert/residencyspace:vinegar,bleach,tea,rusted nails,herbs,andspraypaintedabandonedhomes onthemountaintops’remnants:chains,ababy crib,wires,locks,oldmetalgrids,andetc.We wantedthecolorstomirrorthelandscape.Abig tipisdefinitelygetasewingkitandworkwith whateveryouhave.Ifyouareabletogotoathrift storeorfabricstoreandpickupclothes,scrapsof fabric,andothermaterialsthatyouareinterested in,doit!Ourfavoritefashionareclothesthatare unique,oneofakind,andhavelotsofheartand intentionputintoit.

Wanttolisten?mirroredfatalityhasrecently releasedaremasteredversionoftheirCOCOON WEBSEPwithAklasanRecords,twofilms VALE(GetBetterRecords)and

EARTHBODY(S)BIOME(TRICS)(Tourde Moon) andthesingles“REINCARNAGE”and “VALE”(GetBetterRecords),and “BIOME(TRICS)”and“PRIMALDIAL MAGMA”(CherubDreamRecords).Their secondEP:ECOCIDE3URTH(CherubDream Records)canbepurchasedondigitalstreaming, andoncassettetapewithazinethatcomeswith eachpurchaseatmirroredfatality.bandcamp.com. FindthemonInsta@mirroredfatality.

holdingmyowngaze katlinmarisolsweeney-romero

WhenIwasalittlekid,allIwantedwastobelike SailorMoon.

IcouldalwaysrelatetoUsagi’sbigemotions, franticenergy,andloomingfearthatshewas goingtofail.Thosequalitiesarestillpretty accuratetowhereIamatinmylifenow.Butin the25yearsthathavepassedsincemyfirstSailor MoonVHStapewaspoppedintotheTV,I alwayswantedthepowertoinitiatemyown “MoonPrismPower!”transformationsequence.

MySailorMoontransformationfixationperhaps makesmoresenseinthecontextofmywistful childhood.Onthesurface,thingswerefine perfectlyfine,morethanfine,nothing-out-ofplace-so-don’t-tell-people-if-they-ask-becausewe-keep-things-privatefine.Undertheweightof afine-tunedsuburbanveneer,thingswerefinely filteredthroughaconstantstateofbatedbreath.

MyconservativeupbringinginaCatholic householdwithstrictrulesandlimitedexposureto thesecularworldwasfurtherintensifiedby

panickedrealizationsthatIwasqueer,whichI suppressedtomakespaceforthestakesofbeinga terminallyillparent’semotionalrepositoryfor lifelonginsecuritiesandregret.Asidefromafew

youthfulindiscretionsandemotionaloutbursts fromtheunrelentingstressoftheeveryday,most oflifebefore20wasaboutbeingsomeoneelse’s do-over someonewhoremindedmeonanear dailybasisthatitwasmyresponsibilitytorectify hisfailures,thatitwasmyresponsibilitytorepay hispresenceinmylifebygenerouslyofferingup myownashisseconddraft.Themomentsin betweenthesemountingpressures,whenIcould justsitinfrontoftheTVandwatchafellow anxiousgirltransformherselffromordinaryto extraordinary,meanteverythingtome.

SailorMoon’spower,ofcourse,literally materializesasthemagicshewieldstofighther enemiesandsavetheday,butIwastransfixedby thefigurativemagicofherself-adornmentthat initiatedeachfightscene.Neverinmychildhood didIhaveaccesstoafullyautonomous,physical transformation;everyhaircut,articleofclothing, weightgain,makeupapplication,andintimate doctor’svisitwasforciblyfilteredthroughmy parents’regulation.Bycontrast,Usagi’s transformationsequenceisallabouther,andonly her.Thesequencebeginsasafreshcoatofglittery

nailpolishisappliedtoeachfinger,followedby herdonningoftheSailorScoutuniform:a gorgeousbodiceandminiskirt,knee-highred boots,elbow-lengthglovesthatparadoxically coverthenails,agoldentiara,andsmallearrings. Alloftheseelementsconvergeintoplaceasshe strikesaposebeforethemoon.AsIwatched(and continuetorewatch)thissequence,Ienteran enduringstateofaspirationandcomfort,from whichIdreamofmyownself-initiated transformation.AsshebecomesSailorMoon, Usagishowsnosignsoffearorself-doubt.Like herstance,sheappearsconfidentandreadytotake onwhatevercomesherway.

WheneverIneededtoescape,Iwouldemulate thissequenceinmybedroom.Iwouldwaituntil everyonewasasleeporbusytoclosethedoorand myeyes.IdreamedIwassurroundedbyaglittery skyasIranafingerovereachnail,pretendingit hadbeencoatedinfreshnailpolish,andquietly leapedintotheair,armsoutstretched,imagining m lf l d l un

appearedbelowmykneesandusedbothhandsto tracetheoutlineofatiaraonmyforehead.This practicebecamesacredtome,becamesoothingto thepartsofmysoulthatwerescreamingtocome outbutknewtheunspokenconsequencesof beingmyselfwithoutpermission.Irewoundthe VHSoverandoverandoveragainasIperformed thisritualoverandoverandoveragain.Each time,IbelievedthatifIbelievedhardenough,I couldsummonthatpower,too.

Afteryearsofprolongedproximitytomy childhoodhometown,Ifinallymovedoutofstate andstartedmyownlifeat24.Thedistance grantedmethespaceIneededtoprocessalot aboutmychildhood,especiallythepartsthatwere firmlytetheredtoadifferentversionofeventstold tomeabouthowmyexperienceshappened.More importantly,itgavemeachancetobecomea personentirelyofmyownmaking.Itisahard experiencetoputintowords thatlifebeforemy mid-20swasanexerciseinreworkingpersonal boundariesintonegotiationsforthecomfortof peopleclosetoyou inbeingapersonwhonever saysnoandwhoneverletsotherpeopledown.

Itishardtoacceptthatthesemoments,too, remainapartofme,evenasIfighttogetolder,to stayalive,torememberthatwhenitallseems impossible,itisbecauseIamcomingintomy ownforthefirsttime.Itisahardexperienceto putintowordsthatIaminpermanentgriefover thechildhoodthatwasfine,overthechildhood thatmaybewasnotactuallyfine.

ButImadeitthrough,Imakeitthrough,Iwill makeitthrough,inthesolaceofmyselfadornment ashieldthatmakesmybodymy ownforthefirsttimewitheachnewlayerof clothingandmakeupItryonasImeetmyself. WitheachsparemomentIreallocatetowards discoveringandredefiningmyself-adornment practices,mylingeringresentments, embarrassments,needsforclarification,blendinto thebackground.

IspendhoursstaringintothemirrorasIpractice applyingiridescentglitter,colorfuleyeshadow, andboldlipsticks,assessingwitheachpatand swipewhichcosmeticwillbecomepartofmy cosmeticarsenal.Iwakeupbefore6a.m.most daystohaveenoughtimetotestdifferent

techniqueswhendrawingoneyelinerwings, withmyever-evolvingwingshapebecomingmy signaturefacialfeature.Istudyonlinemakeup tutorials,testtheconsistencyofdifferentproducts inarangeoftemperatures,andexperimentwith unexpectedcolorcombinations.Ispendhours searchingforinexpensivestatementpiecesIcan weartoaccentuatemymakeup.Iscoursmall makers’shopsonEtsyforuniqueearringsthat couldextendthestorytellingItellwithmy cosmetics.Ialternatebetweengrowingmyhair outpastmywaisttocuttingitshortintoabob thatIdyeblue,thenpurple,thenbacktoblue, backtopurple,thenbacktoblackwithhighlights.

IgobacktothechildselfIlosttouchwitheach timeIremembertospin,tosmile,tolaugh,to extendmyarmsandkickmyfeetoutasI transforminthemirrorandthroughthecamera.

Witheachnewlook,Ipausetotakephotos at differentangles,indifferentlighting,with differentposes,indifferentplaces.Itakethe photoswhenIembracetheeuphoriaofmy makeup,accessories,andclothingblending togethertoformaperfectmoment.Itakethe photoswhenIfeelthesinkingsadnessofmy makeup,accessories,andclothingbeingoutof sync,onlytofindmonthsoryearslaterthatIwas notreadytoseethebeautyinthemyet.These photosoftenenableaperiodicreviewinwhichI makementalnoteofwhatelementsIwishto standardizeinmyroutine,whattoadjust,and whattodoawaywith.Inquietermoments,these photosformthethroughlineofmymemoriesthat proveIwashere,thatIcreatedsomething beautiful somethingspecialinitsethereality,in itsinabilitytobereplicatedperfectly.Eachphoto tracesthecontoursofmyspirit,ofmyhandasit movesacrossmyfaceandbodytosummonthe energynecessarytopersevere.Theypreservealife livedinthevividcolorofself-adornedexpression.

getyourthreadinthegame

thecrystalpoem:azuihitsu

andywinter

theCrystalBall

NickiMinajpullsup bringingtheboombap kicksoffwithkaratechop stickssnare&slap ~

alanguageofbrokenwrists&magazinecovers/speaksthroughmeasi/strut &cutbeats/intopowder&blush/whatistabularasabutthewayweburn therunway/withthigh-highboots&stilettosscribing/acalligraphyofloops blurringintoinfinity/intosmoke&spotlight/asinwebuck&bend reality/asinweoozesex/likeasiren/onanambulance/untilnogender/no bloodstain/glisteningongrandprizetrophies/fishtailgowns/&champagnebodies ~

Parisisburning.NewYorkisburning.Saigonisburning. Kyivisburning.CapeTownisburning.Singaporeisburning. We’llburnthewholeworldifwehaveto.

~

Gucci. CommedesGarçons. SaintLaurent. Revlon. Balenciaga. Lanvin. Miyake-Mugler. We,ateliersofalostgeneration.We,paintedbodiesingalleriesofdisco,bustsdrippingindiamanté.We, ducttapedesigners/gluegunengineers/aerosolarchitects.We,artifice&artifact.We,thebizarre&the bazaar.We,the0thseason.Weareeverywhere,anywhere&thereforenowhere.Wewelcomeyou.

~ DanielleRevlon.KerriMizrahi.MercedesProdigy.GiseleXtravaganza.MeekaProdigy.StashaGarçon. SiniaEbony.LolaEbony.BarbieMizrahi.KassandraEbony.DaesjaLaperla.AlyssaEbony.JazellBarbie Royale.AyannaKhan.AllouraJourdan-Zion.YolandaJourdan.AsiaWest.KimiyahEbony.TyraAllure Ross.LeiomyMaldonado.TutuWest.TamiyahGorgeousGucci.Fromthestarofmycrowntothetip ofmyponytail,Idiptoallthequeensbeforeme.

beanieseason jenniferelise

Themorningairbitesatmyknees,asIskate aroundthepark.Thewheelsflattenthefallen leavesevenmore,andIdodgeastraytwig.After anhourofpushing,ollie-ing,andgrinding,my armsfeelsmotheredinthehoodie,butIdon’t wantthemexposed,justlikehowIusedtodread thewindhittingmyneckandears.Thenthe dysphoriamademeconfrontthecoldhead-on, butthankfullyIhaveasecretweapon.Whenit’s timetogohomeandthehelmetcomesoff,Iput onabeanieovermybuzzedheadanddreamof mountainsinsteadofthebeach.

Sleeveslengthen; Shortsaretradedforpants; Butmyhairstaysshort

wang

sewwhat

Spooled

,spun

,asifahundredmilesofyarn havebeenwoven aroundandaround

,pushedintouncomfortable shapes

,myclothesdisintegrate

:shovedalittlebit

,shrunkalittlebit

,squashedalittlebit

,fuckedalittlebit.

Theyleavemeaflimsy

purplelittleflannel

thatcomesundonein

myhands,fragile

candyfloss

,butwithno calories.

IfIgetmaderedundant

Ishallmakemeapurple coatoutoftumble-dryer fluff

,wrapitroundmynaked bodyandrundownthe street

,andwatchthecurtains twitch asthefinefilmpeelsoffme likea chrysalis.

Theheartoftheneighbour downthelanewillskipa beatortwo

,andIwill cackleawitch’slaugh andshan’tgivea monkey’s.

transfinite::adialogue cavar

Text on black screen: “transfinite / a dialogue”

Enter: My overstrewn closet. I am fucking with this closet door, every which way.

Ileavemyclosetdooropenallthetime.Mostlybecauseitrefusestobudge,nomatterhowhardIpush. AtraitIcan’thelpbutfindendearing.

Theraretimesitdoesn’tjumpthetrack,it’sjustevenhardertoopenupagain,andI’msqueezingmyself intoalltheseshapesjusttryingtoseeinside.

Blink. Black screen opens to a blank, lined page. My hands. I am writing: “figured it was the universe / making me / some ch– ”

Soeventually,Igaveupontrying.Figureditwastheuniversemakingmesomecheesymetaphorabout beingqueer.LikeImadethatlinebreakinthescriptforthisvideo,likesomekindofpoet.

...Likeapoetwhosaysliketoomuchandtalkstypesinsentencefragmentssoyou’re,well,like,whatthe fuckkindofpoetisthat?

Blink. Black screen ––

Anyway.

Opens to my closet. I jiggle the door fruitlessly with one hand.

I’mtryingtoframemyclosetdoorasametaphorhere,whichisn’tanythingnew.Likeothersortsof containers––marinara-marredtupperwares,plasticbottleshourglassesinthehand.

Blink. A blank white wall. A flash of Cavar, dressed in a pink collared shirt and dark blue pan––

Blink! A return to the blank, lined page. I have completed writing: “figured it was the universe / making me / some cheesy metaphor / about being queer ” I strike out both stanzas

Closetsaremadewithclosureinmind.

I close the cuffs on my pink shirt

Everyday,apersonreachesintotheircloset,selectstheirvestments,andsealsitoncemore,allwiththe assumptionthatwhateverthey’rewearingissufficienttowhereverthey’re,uh,whereing.

Blink. My crowd-lined page reads “where-ing.”

Blink.

Interviewee :So,theproblemhereis,obviously,I’mqueer.

Interviewer :Youmeanyou’reashamedofbeinggay?

Interviewee:No,therearejusttoomanyofmetowearallatonce.

Theviewfromtheirlowerright-handsideTheywearglasses,blueplugs,andaburnt-orangelong-sleevedshirtTheirhairisina man-bun

Theviewfromtheirlowerleft-handside.Theywearnoglasses,blueplugs,andafloralblouse,withtheburnt-orangeshirt underneath.Theirhairhangsloose,exceptforasmallponytailatthecrownoftheirhead.

I enter, wearing my late uncle’s old tiger t-shirt and a pair of olive green shorts My tattoos and bare-hairy legs are in full view. I pose. I leave.

Iusedtobeagirl.Isuckedatit,butitwasfine,untilIstartedbecomingawoman,duringwhichtimeI decidedInolongerwantedtobepartofthatwholescene.Ididn’tdothethingyouexpectof“transmasc narrators,”mostlybecauseI’mnot“transmasc.”

I enter, wearing my striped shirt that reads “fluid” with long yellow corduroys. I pose, hands in my pockets.

Ididn’tgothewholetomboytolesbiantotransroute,asifanyofthosecategoriesweremutually exclusiveinthefirstplace.

I am back in my pink shirt and blue pants. A lingering glance reveals my pink shirt to be dinosaur-patterned.

IwasalittlegirlwholovedAmericanGirldollsandLegokits,butmostlyendedupgravitatingtoward books.

Ifoundnonbinarinessonlineasapreteenandclaimedit,alongwithqueerness,formyselfseveralyears later.

Afterallofthat,IrealizedthatI––atransperson,seeking“biomedicaltransition”couldalsobealesbian. Iwasallowedtobe––tohavebeen––allofthesethings.

Interviewee:We’realltaughttoseeidentitiesliketheseascontradictory,asifthere’sonebigTruth we’reallgoingtosettleoneventually.Thismakesiteasierforcispeopletorationalizetheexistenceof transpeople,actinglikewebasicallyhavethesamegendersasthem,butarealittleslowonthe uptake.

Closet shot

Interviewer:Okay,Sarah,butwhataboutyourcloset?

A blank white wall.

A blank white wall. I wear the olive shorts with a teal t-shirt. As I narrate, I put on an oversized blue flannel.

Interviewee:I’mCavar.TherearesomeSarahs––she’sandthey’sboth––inmycloset.

Blink

I button my blue flannel, beginning at the cuffs.

IhavetokeepmyclosetdooropenbecauseI’msomany.

Blink. I am shirtless but for an unzipped grey vest. I wear the yellow corduroys and a post-op chest.

WhenIusethepronouns“they/them,”I’mtalkingnotonlyaboutthemeIhappentobe––thoughIam talkingaboutthatsingularperson,too,evenasthey’reever-shifting––butI’malsotalkingaboutalitany ofselves,apluralthey.Iwasyesterday’sme.

I fasten each button on the blue flannel.

AssumingIlivetoseetomorrow(andifyou’relisteningtothis,Ihave,or,atleast,someonehas)I’llbe tomorrow’s,too.

I open my grey vest to see the scars. I walk offset.

“Cavar::Sarah” appears

unexpectedjoy jessieoin

notwhat itseams

unravelinglatinetendertransness:behind dalivalentino’sviralvaquerocostume dalivalentino interviewedbysghuerta

Howdidyougetstartedwithcreatingart?I knowyouworkinabunchofdifferent mediums.

I’vebeenintoartsinceIwasalittlekidandInever stopped.Growinguppoor,myAbuelitaused suppliesfromthedollartree;wemadethingsout ofpaperfrombasketstoframes.Shesewed blouses,skirtstoapronswithlaceandembroidery. ShetaughtmethatIcouldmakeanythingoutof everydaymaterials.Thatstuckwithme Ilike makingthings.

Creatingoriginaldesignsisverynewtome;inthe worldofcosplay,everythingisfanart.I’vebeen focusingontheTransMexicanartIwanttoseein theworld.Thelightbulbwentoff:“Holyshit!I canmakethatmyself!”Ididnotexpectthefirst thingImadetoactuallyskyrocket.ApparentlyI’m nottheonlyonewhowantedmoreofthis.

Wait,thatwasthefirstoriginaldesignyou made?

Yes!Surprisinglyenough,I’vesewnover120 cosplays,butwhenitcametodoinganoriginal design,nothing.ThisisthefirstonethatIwas like,I'mgonnadothesamethingsIdowith costumes,butactuallybringmyOWNconcept tolife.Itwasawholenewlevelofselffulfillment I’veneverreachedbefore.

IdefinitelydowanttotalkabouttheTender TransCowboycostumebecauseIactuallysaw thetweetcirculatingandthought,“Thisisthe coolestthingever”beforeweevenconnected! Doyouwanttotalkaboutthecreative processforthat?

Therewasnotalotofrepresentationgrowingup, especiallyforTransLatinecultures.Itbrokemy heart.Inmychildhood,becauseofassimilation,I drewalotofwhitecharacters,andrealized,“Why amIdoingthis?WhyamInotrepresentingmy ownpeople?”I'mjustgonnahavetodoitmyself likeIdowitheverythingelse.

Theironyis,IneverreallycaredfortheWestern genreuntilIstartedseeingqueermusiciansand thenIwondered,“Whyaren’ttheremore?”

WhenIstartedresearchingit,there’sahandfulof publishedbooksouttheretalkingabouthow vaquerosaretheoriginalcowboys.Howsomany Indigenous,Mexicans,andPOCingeneralwere suchabigpartoftheWesterncultureintheUS. Theyweredemonizedquicklyandcharacterized asthe“badguy”fromraciststereotypesbecauseof afamouscowboyWesternshowthatwenton touracrossthecountry.

Westernaesthetics,brands,andlifestyleshavebeen whitewashedforsolong.Howmuchapartof [Westernculture]isfrompeopleofcolorthatwas justtaken.Like“chaps”arefrom“chaparreras,” and“lassos”from“lazo,”alotofstuffwasjust mispronunciationsofhowtopronounceitin Spanish.Mygrandparentswererancherosfrom Mexicosoit’slikethisculturethatIcouldhave beenapartofandIcouldhavelearnedisseparated tomebecauseoftheaspectofbeingqueerand assimilationintheUS.

IdidanartshowinSeattlelastyearatFriday

AfternoonTeaforHispanicHeritageMonth.My themefocusedonLatineTransJoyandQueer Euphoria.ThefirstpieceIdidwasatransmasc farmerposingnexttosomesunflowersandit clickedimmediately.Thatstartedthisbig snowballeffectandbecamemymuse.Ineededto betheTenderTransCowboy.

Isthereanythingspecificallyaboutvaquero cultureyoutrytohighlightinyourwork?

Duringthepandemicandpresentingmaleinthe workplace,myMexicanmalecoworkers embracedmewithopenarmswhilewomenwere suddenlyhostile.ItwasashockfromwhatIgrew upwith.Myunclesrarelyshowedaffection,never cried,werenevertender,wouldneverexpress theirfeelings.ToxicMaschismohasprevented menfromhavingcommunitiesforsolong.My themeistoembracethattendernessthatis desperatelyneededhere.It’swhatirritatedme whensomepeopletriedtopickapartthewording forthebackofmycostume.No,Ichosetender first.Iwantittobeknownthatmasculine presentingpeoplecanbetender.

Whenyousearchup“vaqueromen’sclothing,” “cowboyclothing,”“Mexicanmen'sclothing,”it’s alwaysmuted.Whyaren’twemorecolorful?Men andmasculinefolksdeservetobemoreexpressive, soalotof[makingthecostume]wastocombat toxicmasculinity.Tobeflamboyantandproud.

IintendtoworkwithalotofPOCfriendsand notinvolveanywhitepeoplewithit.Iwantto showthatthere’ssomuchmoreofusoutthere thatarequeerandtransandtryingtoembraceour culture.Ihavesomanytransmascfolkswhoare rejectedbythecismenintheirfamily,andwe havetodefinemanliness.That’swhatbeingtrans is,findingtheaspectsofyourgenderthatyou didn’tgrowupwith.Transformingmasculinity andmakingityourown.Thisoutfitisthestartof aseries,aprojecthighlightingthepowerofself representationwhiletakingbackWesternculture.

Doyouhaveanyotherthoughtsonthelack ofLatineandtransmascrep?

Socialmediawillfocussolelyontheskinny conventionallyattractivewhitepeopleinthe LGBTworld.ForBIPOCit’spainfullyclearhow muchwearen’tappreciated.Wewanttobeseen, adored,feelhotinourbody.Whilethegeneral publicwantstoeraseourveryexistenceor fetishizeus.Somehowthroughitallweare startingtofindeachother.Wedeservetotakeup thespotlight.Wewillsurviveandwewillthrive.

That’stheamazingthingof[thecostume]going viral.IfoundalotofpeopleandartistswhoI lookeduptofollowingmenow.Itmademyday tobeseenbackbythepeopleIadored.Tobeseen inmyfullestselfandrecognized,acknowledged foritasamazing.

Ithinkthat’sprobablywhyyouwentviral, becauseIrememberseeingthatbeforewe connectedandthinking,ohmygosh,thisis thethingI’vebeenwantingtoseebutdidn’t knowit.Ithinkit’sabeautifulthing.

I’moftenaskedwhyIwrite,andIfeellikeI don’thaveagoodanswerotherthanthefact thatIcan’tnotdoit,soI’mjustcurioushow survivalplaysintoyourprocessforartandfor costumes.

I’vebeeninsurvivalmodeforsolong.IncollegeI hadtodropoutbecauseofhomophobiafrommy family.Ihadnosystemsofsupportanymore.Iwas completelyalone.I’maverysocialpersonand madealotoffriendsatevents.I’manopenbook andpeoplewouldaskmeaboutmyfamily,andI wouldmentionIwascutoutforbeingqueer.So manyquicklysaidthey’remyfamilynow.People outsidetheLGBTcommunitydon’trealizehow commonqueerkidsnotbeingacceptedbytheir familyisuntiltheymeetone.Iwouldjustbeopen aboutthat,Ihadnoshameinit,because,well,I’m happy.IwassodepressedwhenIwasn’topenand nowI’mreallyfuckinghappy.Ijustneededhelp. Weneedcommunitymorenowthanever. Havingsupportsystemsinpersonissofucking vitaltooursurvival.

ThankstomyfriendscommissioningmeforartI wasabletogetby.Creatingisjustapartofmy mentalhealth.Ican’timaginemylifewithoutit.I haveanamazingsupportsystemoffriendswho enjoymyartandhelpedmesurvive.

Whatfuelsyourworknow?

IstartedthinkingaboutwhereIwantmyartto go,whatIwillbeproudofin10or20yearsfrom now.Iwanttocreatevisualnovelgames.Iwant tomakeartforbookcoversandworkwithtrans authors.IwanttodoillustrationsforYAbooks,I wanttomakeagraphicnovel.Ihavealot bubblinginmymindandifyoufollowmy socials,you’llgettoseewhatI’mupto.

Costumesareanotherextensionofmyart.Iwant tofocusontheloveandeffortthatgoesintoalot ofthevaqueroworld.Iwanttobeableto integratemyMexicanprideintoeverythingIdo.

I’vehadafewpeopleask,“Oh,canIdrawthis outfitwiththischaracter?”IreplywithIneedyou tounderstandthatthisisaverypersonalcostume. Thisisapartofme,acelebrationofwhoIam.

Ourqueercultureisthere,it’sjustbeenswept undertherugandnottalkedaboutbecauseof homophobiaandtransphobia.We’vealways existed,andIhopewithmyworkIcanbringto lightmorehistoryofusproudlybeingourselves.I hopeIcaninspireotherBIPOCandtransLatine folkstofeelseenandloved.

solemates

thesebootsweremadeforwalkin’

jamesdaniels

Itbegan,asfartoofewloveaffairsdo,inthedusty upstairsofalocalvintageshopwithafriend.We caughtsightofeachotheratthesamemoment, andIbrushedpastarackofdenimjacketsand anotherofjeanstolaymyhandsonwhatwere destinedtobecomemyfirstpairofcowboyboots. Theleatherwascrackedanddrywithage,the heelswornsmoothbyuse.Ihadnomoneywith meandhardlywantedtoeventrythemon.Itried tozeroinontheirflaws,toseewheretheleather waspeeling,wheretheshoewascomingaway fromthesoleslightly.Myfriend/fairygodmother insistedIgivethemashot.Whatwereallmy cowboy-themedpoemsandtattoosforifI wouldn’teventryonthispairofbootsclearly positionedherebyfate?

AssoonasItookastepinthem,Iwasinlove.I wasn’tsavingmyself,I’denjoyedfootwearbefore –butneverlikethis.Icouldhavespentallday pacingbackandforthacrossthosefloorboards, weavingbetweenracksofvelvet,lace,anddenim.

Ihadneverbeforefeltsopowerful.IknewI couldn’tleavetheshopwithoutthoseboots,fixeruppersastheywere.Myfairygodmother swoopedinwithherpurseandthewordsthat cementsomanyfriendships:‘youcangetme back.’

Yetforalongtimeafterthat,Ionlyworethose bootsinmyroom.Icamedownfrommy euphorichighandrealisednoneofmyclothes reallywentwithcowboyboots.Irealisedmy familywereboundtolaugh.Irealisedtheleather wasdrierthanmyskingetsinthewinterand flakingalmostasbadly.IrealisedIwasafraidof standingoutinabadway.Iwasn’tconfident enoughtodebutthosebootstotherestofthe worldwithoutmakingsuretheirstaging,the lighting,theirmake-upwasperfect.SoIwore themonlyinmyroomandthemgavecopious massageswithfancyleatherconditioners.Inan embarrassingandobviousmetaphorformyself,I hidthemawaybecauseIwasafraidtheywouldbe

seenanddeemedimperfect.

Ididsomegrowinguphereandsomeglowingup there.Iacceptedthatperfectionisamovingfinish lineandthatsomesourceofmydiscomfortwith myappearancehasalwaysreallybeenaboutmy discomfortwithmyassignedgender.Icutmyhair andvariedmywardrobeandpurchasedmyfirst binder.IwenttomyfirstPrideeventandmeta mantherewhoacceptedmyidentityandwasstill attractedtome.

Afewmonthslater,wewenttoLondontoattend acountrymusicconcerttogether.Ifeltitwould bewrongnottowearmycowboyboots.Finally, theperfectoccasionfortheirlong-delayeddebut.I gavethemtheworksthemorningoftheconcert: conditionermassage,lefttostand,carefulpolish andfinishupwithagoodbrush.Theylooked betterthanwhenIfirstlaideyesonthem.Iwasso caughtupinthebootsthatIranoutoftimeto considertherestofmyoutfitandendedup throwingonapairofjeans,mybinder,anda checkedshirt.SoatleastI’mlivinguptosome stereotypes.

Ifeltpowerfulwalkingthroughthehouse,andI feltpurposefulstridingtothetrainstation.Ifelt smartandsexysittingonthetrainwithmydate. Andthenwegotoffthetrain.Andthenthe cloppingnoisemadebymyheeledbootsbecame extremelyconspicuouscomparedtohissilent steps.AndIwassuddenlyawareofhowmuch shorterIwas,eveninheels,andhowmuchmore femininemybarefacewasnexttohimandhis beard,andhowmyfirstbinderwasn’tthemost suppressivebinderoutthere.Ididn’tfeelpowerful, Ifeltstupid.Inmyhead,Ibecameafreaktottering aboutonstilettosthatweren’tenoughtohidehow badIwasatbeingmyassignedgender.Iwas quiet.Asifhecouldn’treadmymindinthe

slightest,mydatesaid:‘youknow,yousoundlike you’rewearinghighheels.’

Butthenhetoldmethatthousandsofyearsago, thebutchersofAncientEgyptworehighheelsso theycouldstepoverallthebloodandanimal carcasses.AndIrememberedthathighheelsused tobeanindicatorofclass,notgender.AndI rememberedthatmyunclestillhadapairof platformshoesinhisatticfrombeingateenagerin the70s.Notsoverylongagoatall.AndIthought ofallthebravemenwhowearheelsnow,andall themenwhodon’twantwearingheelsnowto makethembrave,andhowacowboycouldlive hiswholelifewithearthorbarn-dance floorboardsunderfootandneverknowthatinthe cityhewouldsoundthesameasawomanina pencil-skirtbusinesssuitandstilettosstridingtoa boardmeeting.AndIwassogladoftheevening andthemanbesidemeandthoseboots,because theyremindedmeonceagainhowimportantitis todressforyourselfandnotforotherpeople.I walkedthestreetsofLondonnoisily,andIfelt seen,andimperfect,andpowerful.Justacowboy inthecity–butIamexcitednowtowearthem otherplaces.

Afterall,thesebootsweremadeforwalkin’–and notincirclesinyourbedroom.

recallingmother sajahfrancesca

Myloveforballroomwomen surpassestheloveachild hasfortheirownmother,for withoutthesewomen, Icouldhaveneverbeenconceived.

MyMotherfoundmeyears afterIwasborn,stuck inaliminaltavernofmental staticandphysicaltormentShe showedmehowbeautiful lifecouldbeifI shoveditinastilettoand strutteddownbusystreets. Thefeelingofablisteredankle stillburns,rubbedraw

fromallthegrating,but nothingbeatsthefeelingof seeingyourownpoisedlegs inthemirrorofapublicbathroom, decoratedbyapairofpumps

MyMothersatmebeforeher andbeatintometheknowledge thatmyexistencehappensunder ablazingbrightspotlight. Shepoundedherpalmsintomy clavicleandscreamedthat Ihavetofighttobethemanthat othersarescaredtobe,becauseof othermen.Shestabbed,slashedme thentoldmetostandup

andwalk:Theworldis waitingfortheimprintofyour sole;youmuststepforward unafraid,Heel.Toe. Heel.Toe.

odetodocmartens fiammettagianni

I’vealwayshadissueswithshoes.

Duetotheclubfootshapeofmyfeettheywere alwaystoosmallonmyanklesortoowidearound mytoes.Theyweretoostiffformetotryon,and whenIfinallysqueezedthemontomypoor,tired feettheywouldbetooarched,tooflat,just...too much.

Anditwasnotjustonesortofshoeeither;boots, trainers,flats,andheelsallfellshortinsomeway, makingstumblingalltheeasierthanitnormally wouldbe.Allverydishearteningreally.My mobilityissueswereonething.Hittingmy teenageyearsandleavingbehindacemeteryof unusedshoesinsteadoftheseeminglynever endingfootwearcarouselmypeersrotated throughwasisolatinginahiddenway.

Noonethoughtofshoesthatdeeply.Theydidn’t haveto.

Thischangedintheearlyspringof2015. Iwalkedthestreetsofmyhometownside-eying

theshoeshopsonthehighstreetwithmyusual glare.Howdarealltheseshoesthatdon’tfitme exist,Ithought,drowningindramaticteenangst.

Idon’trememberwhatcaughtmyeyeatfirst, maybeitwasthebrightDocMartenssign.

AndthenIsawthem.

Callingouttomeinthewayonlyarealsoulmate can.

Greyandblackfromadistance,atacloserlookI sawapatternofrosesandthorns.Lookingupat themarketingaboveitIread,clearasday:“made ofcanvas.”

ThatwasallIneededtorushinsideasfastasmy chronicallytiredfeetwouldcarryme,andmy momswiftlyfollowedwithreliefthatIwasfinally interestedinsomenewshoes.Thetryingon processwentbyinaflash,butIrememberthe feelingofthemfitting,confidentlyabletotellthe employeewhohelpedmethatIwantedtowear

themimmediately.Araremoment.

SoonIwasbackonthemainroadwiththenew bootson.Iwalkedafewpacesinthemandlooked intheshopwindows.ItwasthenthatIheardmy mum’svoice.

“ArethoseSKULLS??”

Indeedtheywere,andtheynowlookedsomuch cooler!MaybeinanotherlifeIwouldhavebeena fullyfledgedgoth.

Theotherextremelyvividmemoryfromthatday wasmymumaskingmeifIwantedtwopairs,as theywerehalfoff.Isaidno,Iwassuretheywould lastme10billionyears.Andinawaytheyhave, theyhavebeenthereforwhatfeelslikealifetime: changingschools,familystructuresfallingapart, meetingmybestfriend,thatsamebestfriend becomingmypartnerafewyearslater.

They’vebeenatthebeachwithme,protectingme fromthefierysandsinAugust.Theyhavewalked ondifferentroadsalloverEurope.

Asilentbutreliablefriend.Mysensible,goth shoes.Iwasalwayssoproudofthem. Iamstillveryproudofthem.

Sevenyearson,astheshoesbegantoshowtheir age,thelooksfrompeoplebegantochange.

“Areyoustillwearingthose?”“Doyouhaveno othershoes?”

"ofmyimmortalshoesbegantoshatter,the momentIrememberedmymum'squestion desperatelywishingIhadsaidyes.

Theanswertothelatterisno,notinanywaythat mattersanyway.

Ifirstnoticedthechangearoundthreeyearsago: thelacesbegantofray.Andthatishowthemyth

ofmyimmortalshoesbegantoshatter,the momentIrememberedmymum'squestion desperatelywishingIhadsaidyes.

Overthefollowingweeksandmonths,longafter I’dreplacedthelaces,IbeganresearchingpastDoc MartencollectionsandeBay,desperatelywishing theywouldturnup.Iwasreadytospendmore moneyonthemthanIwouldeveronanyother pair.

Noonethinksaboutshoesthatdeeply,Itold myself.ButIdid.

Myprospectsweregrowingweak,andpressure fromfamilytowear“comfy-looking”shoeswhen whattheyreallymeantwas“respectable”was

growingmoreintensebytheday.Anditwasn’t thatIdidn’tappreciatethegesturesofmyfamily tryingtoconvincemetochoosenewDocsfor variousbirthdaysandChristmases.SowhywasI appearingsoindifferenttonewshoes?

Samereasonasalways,really.Iwasscared.I associatedtryingnewshoeswithphysicalpainand sensorynightmaresandembarrassment.They oftendon’tfitonthefirsttry,andsometimesyou getlittlesockstotryshoesonwithandwhenthat doesn’tworkandreturntheshoesyoutriedon you’vejustwastedtheemployee’stime.

Theobvioussolutionistobuyonlinethen,right? Thereisstillthepossibilitytheymightnotfit,but overallnotasoverwhelmingasashop.

Itrieditlastyearandfoundagorgeouspairinsoft leatherwithiridescentlaceloops.Andunusedthey haveremainedforanentireyear.

Ididusethemforthefirsttimethisweek,asmy oldonesaregraduallygivinguponbigtrips.And Isupposethatisfair.Theyhavebeenwithme throughsomanystagesofmylife.Itwouldalso befairforthemtotakeonelasttripwithme beforetheygoundermybedforever:Iamgetting myfirstwalkingstickthismonth,andIwant themwithmewhenIdo.

Noonethinksaboutshoesthisdeeply,true.Butit ishardtoforgetyourfirstsolemate.

sleepingbagsocks abbiegoldberg

All names have been changed to protect the anonymity of the people in this essay.

Whenyou’relivinginthesnow,themost importantruleistoneverworkinyoursleeping bagsocks.Yoursleepingbagsocksarethesoftest pairyouhave,fuzzy,ideallycoveredinafun pattern,maybeevenananimalonthetoe.You canwearthemifyou’reloungingaboutonanoff day,orwhenyou’regoingtosleep,butyoucan’t workinthesesocksbecausetheyaresacred. Whenthedaysarelongandyourarmsaresore fromchoppingwoodorshovelingsnow,youwill needsomethingtoholdonto,somethingtowork towards.Somedaysthatwillberevolution,but somedaysthatwillbeyoursleepingbagsocks

Beyondthat,youcan’tworkinyoursleepingbag socksbecauseit’snotpractical.Theydon’thave themoisturewickingpropertiesofyourbaselayer (likelylongunderwearmadefromalayered polyestermix)Theyarenotmadeofscratchy woolsotheycan’tkeepyouwarmiftheygetwet.

Themorningsaresocoldandyoursleepingbag socksaresosoftyouwon’twanttotakethemoff, butyouhaveto.Ifyoutrytoworkinyour sleepingbagsocksyourfeetwillgetwetandonce yougetwet,that’swhenthingsgetdangerous.

DespitebeingfromMaineIhavealwayshatedthe cold,soitwassomewhatofanoddchoicewhen nearlytenyearsagoIdecidedtospendsixmonths livingontheuncededterritoryoftheUnist’ot’en people(locatedinwhatisalsoknownasnorthern so-calledBritishColumbia)inthemiddleofthe winter.Theyhadputoutacallforalliestohelp protecttheirancestralhomelandfromseveral proposedpipelines–projectsthatwoulddevastate thenaturalenvironmentandimpedeuponthe Unist’ot’enpeople’saccesstotheland.Feeling depressedabouttheclimatecrisisanddisillusioned bythelocalcampaignsIwasworkingon,I decidedtogo.

TogettoUnist’ot’enCampyoumustdriveover anhourfromHouston,BCthroughthewinding, bumpyloggingroadsuntilyoureachtheWedzin Kwah,afierceglacialriver.Thereyouwillfinda bridgewhichyoucanonlycrosswithconsent fromamemberoftheWet’suwet’encommunity (Unist’ot’enisaclanoftheWet’suwet’en)Shortly afterIarrivedtherewasacolossalsnowstorm leavingtheloggingroadscompletelycovered.For thenextthreemonthstheonlywayinoroutof thecampwasbysnowmobile.

Therewasasmallgroupofusthereforthose wintermonths,includingothersettlerallieslike

myself,Indigenousallies,andWet’suwet’enelders. At19Iwastheyoungestofthebunch,mostofthe otherallieswereintheirmidtolatetwenties.We worriedaboutundercovercops,andsecret recordingdevicessowedidn’tsharepersonal information.Insteadwegottoknoweachother throughastrology,workstyles,andfavorite oatmealtoppings.Livinginsuchintense conditionsbroughtustogetherquicklywithno needforbackstories.

TherewasLaurenwhohadbeencomingto supporttheUnist’ot’enpeopleforyearsbythen, Camillewhowasquiet,but,ifyouasked,could tellyouaboutdozensofdifferentpotatospecies, Ethanwhokeptahandcarvedspoonanda titaniummugclippedtohisbelt.TherewasJosh whobrewedmatchaeachmorning,andKaiwho alwaysbeatmeatcards,andMarie,aproud gemini.TherewasRiverwhoIkissedonenight inasnowbankbeneaththefullmoon.Wewerea smallgroup,butsolid.

Mostdaysweresimple:eachtaskcontributed directlytooursurvival.Wechoppedwood, hauledwater,keptthefiregoing,cookedfood, washeddishes,shoveledsnowofftheroofstokeep themfromfallingin.Intheeveningsweplayed dominosandFleetwoodMaconguitararound thefire.Wekeptcommunityandwekeptalive.

Twiceaweeksomeofuswouldridethe snowmobilesmilesoutintotheforesttowalkthe trapline.Trappinganimalsisanimportantcultural practicefortheWet'suwet'en,awaytheyconnect tothelandandmonitoritshealth.Additionally, sellingskinsispartofthelegalstrategytoassert andprove“aboriginaltitle”bydemonstratingthat theydependonthisterritoryforancestralpractices carriedoutsincetimeimmemorial.

Walkingthetraplinetakeshoursofstrenuous hikingoverhillsanddownsteepembankments, collectingmartens,andresettingtrapsasyougo. Thatwinteritsnowedsomuchthateveryweek westruggledtobreakanewpath,sinkingdown intothefreshfluffeveninoursnowshoes.Weate bigbreakfastsontraplinedays,puttingmoose meatinouroatmealsowewouldn’thavetostop andeatonthetrailwhereourhumanscentcould lingerandfrightentheanimalsaway.Wedidn’t carrymorethanweneededandweleftearlyin themorningtoassurewe’dmakeitbackbefore dark.

Oneday,alltheWet’suwet’enelderswentouton thelandtoworkonvariousprojects,leavingthe alliesbehindtomanagethebasecamp.Istayed backwithmostofthegrouptodothedailychores whiletheotherssetoutforthetrapline.Theygot abitofalatestart,butitwasasunnydaysowe didn’tworrymuch.Wechoppedwood,hauled water,keptthefiregoing,keptcommunity,kept alive.

Atsomepointthecloudsbegantoflattenandfill upwithdarkness,butaroundthemtheskywas stillbright.Weworried,butonlyalittle.We cookedfood,washeddishes,shoveledsnowoffthe roofstokeepthemfromfallingin.Surelytherest ofthegroupwouldappearoverthehillontheir snowmobileanyminuteandwewouldallsit togetherforsteamingbearmeatchiliand bannock.Wewentbacktoourtasks.Wekept community,keptalive.

Asnightfellandthedarknessseepedfromthe flattenedcloudsthroughtherestoftheskywegot worriedforreal.

Whenthecloudsstartedleakingthefastandheavy

In2019,severalyearsaftertheeventsofthisessay,CoastalGasLinkbulldozedthroughtheheartofanimportanttrapline1

snowflakesthathadbeenflatteningthem,thenwe gotscared.

Acallcameoverthewalkietalkie,“The snowmobilejustbrokedownandCamilleis gettingcold.Like…reallycold.”Thenightwasn’t oneofthecoldest,butthatmadeitworse.The snowflakeswerewetandmeltedastheylandedon justwarmenoughbodies.Itisn’tthecoldthatgets you,it’sbeingwetandnotbeingabletodryoff.If youcan’tdryoff,youcan’twarmup.

Youhavetotakeprecautionsonthetrapline.You wearyourwickingbaselayer,youtakeoffyour heaviestjacketbeforeyouwalk,nomatterhow muchyouwanttokeepiton,butit’sagrueling dayandinevitablyyouworkupasweat.Between thesweat,andthedark,andthesnow,the situationforCamillewasbecomingextremely dangerous.

Ethanleaptupracingwildlyaroundthe bunkhouse,droppingonegloveashelookedfor theother.“Weneedtogorightaway!Josh,get thesnowmobileready!We’regoing!We’vegot this!”

“Holdon,”Laureninterruptedhispanickedflurry. “Let’sjusttakeasecondandmakesurewehavea realplan.”Laurenhadalreadybeenaroundthat winterforseveralmonths.ItwasEthan’sfirstvisit, buthehadaburlybeard,ahatthatmadehimlook likeaparkranger,andahandcarvedspoon clippedtohisbelt.

“Everysecondcounts!Thisislifeordeath!We needtoMOVE!”Ethanlungedforahalfempty waterbottleandspedoffbeforeanyonecould object.

Laurenshookherheadandstayedcalm.“Put

somewateronthefireforteaandhotchocolate, makesurethewalkiestaysonandcharged,I’m goingtogogetsomedryclothesforwhenthey getback.We’llhangthembythefiresothey’re extrawarm.”

About30minuteslaterEthan’svoicecame throughthewalkie,stillpanicked,butthistime embarrassed.“They’reoutbythe11kmmark but….wejustmadeittothe7kmmark.Weran outoffuel…Iforgottocheckthesnowmobilefor fuel.”

Laurenfilledathermoswiththewaterwe’dbeen boiling,Mariepackedsomefood,andIbundled uptheextralayerswe’dbeengatheringbefore Ethansplit.Thenwecheckedthelastremaining snowmobileforfuelandsetoff.

Inthedaystofollowwewouldhavelotsof conversationsprocessingtheneardisaster.We wouldtalkaboutourvariousresponsestocrisis, wheretheycamefrom,andhowtheyworked. Wewouldtalkaboutgenderdynamics,ingrained whitesupremacyculture,andhowEthan’ssense ofurgencyendeduppreventingusfromreaching Camilleandtherestofthegroupsooner.We wouldtalkaboutpower,andtrust,and snowmobilefuel.Butnotthatnight.Thatnight weatesteamingbearmeatchiliandbannock.We sataroundthefireplayingdominosand FleetwoodMaconguitar.Weallchangedinto dryclothes,andcurledupinoursleepingbagsand eachother’sarms,gratefulwehadkept community.Wehadkeptalive.

LaterIaskedCamillehowshehadfeltthatnight, shakinginthecold,wetfromthefallingsnow.“I wasscared.”Shesaid.“ButIreallycouldn’tthink aboutthat.Icouldn’tthinkabouthowlongit wouldtakeforsomeonetocomegetus,orwhat

wouldhavehappenedifthesnowmobilehad brokendownbeforethewalkietalkiewasin rangeorifwewouldneedtospendthenightout there.AllIcouldthinkwaseventuallyI’mgoing togettoputdrysocksonandthat’sgoingtobe thebestfeelingintheworld.”

Inmanywaysmyfrenziedmoveacrossthe continenttojoinastruggleI’donlyreadabouton theinternetwasalotmorelikeEthan’sfrantic rescuemissionthanLauren’sprudentstrategizing. WhenIdecidedtogointhefirstplaceitwas becauseIfeltlikeeverythingthatwashappening aroundmewastoosmall.IwantedtofeellikeI wasdoingsomethingthatmattered,Iwantedto savetheworld.IrelatetoEthan’sinstincttodrop everythinganddriveintoasnowstormona snowmobilewithnogas.

ButifI’vetakenanythingfromthosemonthson Unist’ot’enlandit’sthatthestakesaremuchtoo hightoburnourselvesoutinspectacularactsof ego-drivenmartyrdom.Wehavetobuildup structuresofcommunityandcaretokeepfighting forthelonghaul.Wehavetostrategizewith intentionandfocusontakingcareofeachotherif wewanttosurvive.

Afterthesnowmelted,webeganconstructionon aHealingCenterwhichsince2015hashelped Wet’suwet’encommunitymembersaddressthe traumasofcolonizationthroughculturally-safe careandaccesstoancestraltraditionsand language.TheUnist’ot’enpeoplearenotjust fightingagainstthecapitalist,colonialfossilfuel industry,theyarebuildingtheworldtheyneed directlyinitspath.

Thesedays,asItrytobuildcommunityandfight forjusticewhereIam,thatiswhatIholdonto:the feelingIhadonUnist’ot’enlandofknowingthat

theworldIhavebeendreamingaboutispossible. Notonlythat,buttherearemomentsofrefuge, cracksintheworldorder,whereitisalreadyhere. IfIcanrecognize,celebrate,share,andcreatethese momentsthenIamlesslikelytolosemyselfto despairandmorepreparedtokeepfighting.Iam lesslikelytobeheldhostageininactionbymy ownfailuretoimaginejusthowwonderfulthis worldcouldreallybe.Afterall,ifthesemoments arealreadypossible,whatelseisalreadypossible?

Sometimestheseflashesofrealizedliberationare biganddramatic,likesuccessfullykeepingthe policeoffthelandafteratenseshowdown,or gettingeveryonesafelyhomeinasnowmobile rescuemission.MoreoftenIfeelpossibilityin softermoments–Wet’suwet’enelderssharing ancienttraditionslikewalkingthetrapline,and newoneslikeusingmoosemeattomakesavory oatmeal;guitarjamsafteradayofincrediblestress, andguitarjamsafteradaywhennothingmuch hashappenedatall;thankingthemartensaswe removethemfromthetrapsforskinning,making mistakesandhelpingeachotherprocessthem withcompassion,gettingintosnowballfights whileshovelingcabinrooftops.

Andofcourse,Ifeelpossibilityinsleepingbag socks,laidlovinglynexttothefirebyafriendso they’llbeperfectlywarmwhenyouneedthem. Afteradayoffear,andcold,anduncertainty, puttingondrysocksreallyisthebestfeelinginthe world.

To learn more about or donate to Unist’ot’en Camp please visit https://unistoten.camp

sry thomashobohm

Icametothisworldquiteconfusedbecausethetwoflagslookedthesame.Quiteconfused becauseIwantedtotopinadressandhighheels.Quiteconfusedbecausetheywantedabottom copsailorsupersoldierStillIplayedmypart,steppedinsidetheEaglewheremyfamilybeatin andoutofme,daddiesdemandedIchompcigarettes,eat,boy,butactuallydaddy,notaboy,and actuallydaddyitdidn’twork,Igothighoffthenicotineandnowit’sapackadayalloverthe bay.Mybodyisamaptheystickpushpinsin,sothatnowitalljustleaksout—doyouwantto see?Ihaveavideo.IhavesomanyholesandstillIneedmore.Ipicturemyselfwithjustone extraholeandIgetsowet.That’smyuglysecret.AguyonGrindrfiguredmeout,said,

Ihopehisdickfallsofftonight.

“imjustnotintofemguysry”

“whosaidIwasfem??”

“uhavelonghair”

pinkskechers

geylwells

TheAugustIwaseighteenandfreshlyin university,mymothertookmetoasmallshoe outlet.There,Ifoundthepairofshoesthatboth healedasmallpartofmyinnerchildandgaveme myfirsttasteofgendereuphoriabeforeIeven knewIwasn’tcis.

Letmeexplain.

GrowingupintheearlyaughtsinDallas,Texas, beingdiagnosedwithautismwasthelastthing anyparentwantedfortheirchild.Thiswastheera ofonlytalkingaboutAsperger’s––wecouldn’t evensayautism,butinsteadusedasocially acceptableASD-adjacentdiagnosiscoinedbya Nazidoctortojustifyneurodivergentbehavioral patterns.Asifthatwassomucheasiertostomach. Becausemyparentsdidn’tknowcommon misconceptionsaboutautismwereeven misconceptions,Iwastreatedlikeanallisticchild: bright,creative,talented.Underneaththemask,a secondhiddenselfwastryingtofightherway out.Specificallyinprimaryschool,manysigns

Ipointedtomebeingonthespectrum,but becauseIwassocializedasagirl and“onlyboys wereautistic” thosesignswerealmostentirely ignored.Forexample,mysensoryissueswith garmentsimpededmyeverydaylife tremendously.

Infourthgrade,Iworeabluepoloshirtandkhaki shortseveryday.Every.Single.Day.Whenmy motheraskedmetoweartightsorleggings,I wouldcollapseonthefloorintearsandviolently itchatmyskin.Nolongsleeves,eveninwinter.I liedaboutwearingunderwearbecausetheseams cutintomybottom.Isufferedpanic-attack-like meltdownsifthefabricofmysockswasnotpulled tightlyenougharoundmytoes.Iftheydidn’tfeel right,Iscreamedandkickedthebackofmy mother’sseatonthecarridetoschool.

Igrewupknowingthatfeminineclothing involvedfabricsandtexturesthathurtmyskin: tulle,sequins,lace,elastic.Clothesmarketedfor girlsfelttight,vibrant,andcolorful,drawingtoo

muchattentiontomytall,baby-fat-coveredbody. Becauseofthis,Ioptedformoreandrogynous looks.Myhair,too,wasoftenchoppedintoa shortbob,endingabovethenapeofmyneck. Duringchildren’searlydevelopment,everyactof self-expression,everyperformanceofgender bothchosenandforceduponchildren playsa partinwhotheybecomelater.Inmycase,fashion neverfeltlikeanaffordanceIwasgivenasachild, butrather,aprivilegetobeearned.HowwellI couldfakebeingcomfortableinmyownbody. HowwellIcouldhidemyhatredforneoncolors andopen-toedshoes.Notonlydidmysensory issuesplayamajorpartinwhatIcouldhandle wearing,butmyplus-sizebodyanddetached relationshiptofemininityweremajorfactorsthatI consideredeachdaywhenIstoodbeforethe mirrorandwishedtobesomeonedifferentbut wasn’texactlysurewhyIhatedmyselfsomuch.

wearwhateverIwanted,whichmademy morningroutinetenfoldmoredifficult.Ihad meltdownswhenIfeltdysphoric,leftweeping whenoutfitsIsetoutthenightbeforelooked nothinglikeIpicturedinmyhead;however,over time,mymothergavememorefreedomto choosemyownclothes.Withthisfreedom,I learnedwhatfabricsmademefeelsafeandcozy.I worecomfortableshoesand,oftentimes,baggy clothestohidemybodyandthebadpostureI acquiredfrombeingatallgirlinsecureabouther height.Ratherthantheworldcreatingavenuesfor metofeelbeautifulaswellassafe,Ichosetofeel drabinthesafetyofmycottonandfleececocoon. Upuntilthisyear,Ididnotevenconsiderthe possibilitythatIwasautistic.Ithoughteveryone wagedwarontheirwardrobes,departmentstores tags,theentirefashionworldforthatmatter,in thesamewaysIdid.

Inclass,church,andonplaydates,Igrewup feelingalienfromotherchildren,watchingmyself fromoutsidemyownbodystrugglingtointeract withthem.WhileIwasloudandboisterousat home,Isatsilentinclassrooms,afraidI’dbe “foundout”longbeforeIevenknewwhatIwas hiding.I’dhyperfixateontaskslikereadinga bookunderthedeskorgrammarlessonstoignore myfellowclassmates.Now,Irealizethatmy neurodivergenceplayedapartinmygender dysphoriaandthatalienfeelinginmygut.The strictrulesandconstructsofgenderpushedonus aschildreninTexasmadenosensetome.I wantedtowearcomfy“boy”clothesintendedfor roughhousing.Iwantedtoplaythedadinour make-believegamesofHouse.Iwantedtokiss girlsonthecheekandprotectthem.

OnceImovedtoArizonainfifthgrade,Igotto

Flashforwardto2019,whenIwalkintothe Tennesseeshoestore.IncollegeIperpetuallyfelt likeagirlcross-dressingasagirl;Iworebrightred eyeshadowuptomybrowsandsockswithfrills aroundtheankles(althoughIeventuallygotover mysockissue,Istillrefusetowearunderwearand tightshirtsleeves)forcingmyselfoutsideofmy comfortzoneinordertoreinventmyselfand, hopefully finally fitin.

Atthestore,Iwascombingtheaislesfor somethingprairie-chicorcottagecore,apairof Oxfords,something—anything—togowithmy long,floor-sweepingskirts.Icameacrossapairof pinkSkecherswithembroideredflowers.Their glittery,silverseamsandchunkylacesmademe shriekinexcitement.Itriedthemonatonce,and althoughmytoeswerehittingthetipofthetoe box,IlovedthemmorethananyshoeI’dever

setfootin.Infact,theirsnugnesswasaperk,as theymademysizeninefeetfeelsuddenly shrunken.

ImaginingwhatoutfitsIcouldpairthemwith,I walkedupanddowntheaislessearchingformy mom,whohadwalkedoff.Shelaughedwhenshe sawme.Sherefusedtobuythemformeon accounttheywerechildishand“notme;” however,beingthestubbornyoungestchildIam, Iboughtthemformyselfandworethem constantly.

AboyinmyreligiousstudiesclassthoughtIhad themcustom-made,whichtome,wasthehighest compliment.Myboyfriend’sgrandmotherhasthe samepair,andwhenshevisitsfromNewJersey,I wearthemtoflatterher.Otherthanthat,they’ve nevergarneredmuchattention,which,forso long,waswhatIthoughtIwanted.Iwantedtobe seenasfeminine,girl-like.Petite,andyoung,and fragile.Butoverthelastfouryears,I’vecometo thinkofthemasasecretIholdwithmyself.An offering,apromise,aprayer.

Ultimately,genderisaperformance,andasa neurodivergentperson,I’vebeenmaskingmy wholelife.Attheveryleast,Ioweittomyselfto playtheroleI’vealwayswantedto.So,Iwear fistfulsofringsandshortskirtsandkneesocks.I grewmyhairout,bleachedit,choppeditoff,and grewitoutagain.Iholdthissecretdesirefor girlhoodbetweenthespacesofmyribcage,close tomyheart.IboughtthepinkfuckingSkechers.I buypink everything.

girls.ImissthegirlhoodIneverhadaccessto.Yet, thisyearningmakesmefeellikeanimposterina narrativethatshouldhavebeenmineinthefirst place.Iblamemyownbrainforgatekeeping girlhoodfromabodythatcravedtoconnectwith somethinglargerthanitself.

WhatIknownowisthatneurodivergentpeople shouldnotbemadetofeellikelessofourselves becauseofourgenderpresentation,apresentation largelydecidedbyallisticfashiondesignerswho don'ttakesensoryissuesintoconsiderationwhen producingclothes.Thisfailuretorecognizeour needsoftenpushesustowearclotheswemaynot totallyfeelourselvesin.Thisconformityisnotour trueselves,butrather,ameansofsurvival.

NowthatI’manadultwith21yearsofgender conditioningundermybelt,Iyearntobesoftand protectedinthewaysIoftentriedtotreatother

rainbowplatformcrocs migelwilson

Thereareveryfewthingsthatbetterencapsulate myqueeridentitythanmyplatform,rainbow (knockoff)crocs.Likemygenderidentity,Ihave arguablyfoundevenmorejoyfromtheseshoes becausetheywerenotsomethingIcouldhave everfathomedintoexistence.TheyareagiftthatI havehadtogrowintoandmywindingjourney tothemmatterstomejustasmuchastheirsimple existence.

Wetalkof“bliss,”howourworriesfadeawayand lifeatonceseemsworthliving.Inmydictionary, rightnexttothosefiveletters,Iseemyfeetsliding intomycrocsforthefirsttime.Icancountthe yearsofmycrocsjourney,butIthinkcounting theplacesandfacesbetweenwoulddoabetterjob ofshowingjusthowfarIhavecome.Myyouth wassomethingItookfartooseriously.Theworry ofsurveillanceandpeeringeyeskeptmefrom everreallyfeelingcomfortableinmyskin. Lookingback,IcanseehowphysicallyIshrunk myself,soastonotdrawtoomuchattention.Yet, mytrueselfwouldscratchitswaytothesurface onceinawhile.Mycoverwasblownwhen

peoplebegantoask“what”Iwas;Inowso desperatelywishtoposethesamequestionto them.However,inthemoment,stunnedand emotionallyraw,Iplayedbytheirrulesand foolishlyfoundmyselfjustifyingtheveryreason formyexistence.

Perhaps,itwasforgettingtonotwalkacertain wayortalkacertainway,butmyinabilitytofit withinwhateverboxeveryoneseemedto perfectlyfitinleftmewithoneunspokentruth:I mustnotmatter.IfIcan’tfitin,itmustmeanI havedonesomethingterriblywrong.Itneverwas thosewordsexactly Iwasneverthatbluntwith myself.Ithinkitmightbeworsethough,totiptoe aroundsuchasubject,andtotearyourselfdown inlittleways.Igrewolderandpushedawayfrom thethoughtofexpressingmyself.Mybodywas nolongeravesselforthecreative,beautifulspirit withinme.Iworebaggyclothesandsneakerstill holesborethroughtheirtopsandsides.

JudithHalberstam’squeertemporality,ortheidea thatqueerindividualsdonotexistalongthesame

lifepathsofourcis-heteronormativepeers,isvery real.Itismorethanrejectingtimelinesthatstate weshouldsettledownandprocreate.Iseeitasthe nurturingofwhatneverwas,andlearningtolove that“now”isevenbetter.Ioftenhearofpeople wishingtheyhadstartedexploringtheirgender sooner.Suchthinkingdoesnotserveus,butifthe shoesfitsforyou,sobeit.Iknowforcertainthat mygenderjourneyismorethansimplyswitching onalightbulbandfinallydecidingtowalkinthe light.Intoday’scruelworld,weneedhowever longittakestostumbleinthedark;whateverit meanstofeelsafe.

IhadtogotocountlessthriftstoresbeforeIfound mycrocs.Ittookotherlessexcitingshoestoopen myheartandmindtoeventhinkingthatIcould putonsuchbeasts.IwearthemnowandIseeall thedaysoftellingmyselftobesmallerandIhave nochoicenowbuttobetaller.Ilovethattheyare mine,downtothejibbitz(yes,oneofthemis PeppaPig);littletreasuresthatweregiventome bymydearcousin.Iamnotsureshefullygrasps whattheymeantome.Theyarehersupport foreverencapsulatedandnowIcarrythemwith mearoundtheworld.

MycrocsweremyshoeofchoiceasItrekked throughAlbania.Icannotthinkofaloudershoe towearasaBlackpersoninacountrywhere Blacknessissomethingfarfromnormal.Iwore mycrocswithmydresses,whilemycrotch bulgedandIsmiledbecauseIknewIlookedreally cool.ItdoesnotmatterwhereIgo,IknowIam thefuturebeyondevenmyownwildestdreams andIlovebeingthepersonthatbringspeople pause.Ineednotopenmymouthtomakeothers thinkandthatissomepowerful,queerjuju.

Evenasmy(fake)platformcrocssendmeflaton myfaceeveryonceinawhile,Icannotbring

myselftoresentthemortopermanentlycastthem away.Myguessisthatitisbecause,again,Ihave drawnaconnectiontomygender.Beingqueer hasexposedmetoplentyofstruggles.Itcanbe hardbeingthefirstembodimentof“different”for people.Formyself,Istraintofindelders,andin myexperience,respect,love,andsexualityoften arenotfoundinthesameroom.Beingtokenized isoftenthepriceIhavetopaytobeseenand touched.Mybodysimplydoesnotexistwithin manypeople’sunderstandings.Yet,likemycrocs, Iexist.Iendure.Mostimportantly,Ihavefunand itshows.

Slowlybutsurely,IamlearningIdon’thaveto playbythegenderbinary’sexclusionaryrules.I canfallmoremadlyinlovewithmyselfandenjoy mytimewithfriendsandfamilyandlearnwhatit meanstobesafe trulysafe.Icouldmakeajoke aboutpullingmycrocs’strapsdown,butthey brokeoffawhileago.Perhaps,it’stheuniverse tellingmethatIdonothavetobescared anymore.Icanrunandjump,solongasIknow I’malsostayingtruetomyselfandthelittleme thatcouldhaveneverthoughttobesotallandso loud.Ihopeeveryonegetstofeelthatsomeday.I hopeeveryonefindstheirrainbow,platformcrocs.

thestilettopoem:a‘sharpened’duplex andywinter

Inthehandsofaqueen, apoemisastiletto.

Mypoemsarestilettonails growinglikecrystalclaws

inthedark.Icrystallisedmyglowing heartintoasharpobject.

Iloveplayingwithsharpobjects, feelingtheedgeswhereawordorline

breakcutsdeep.Wordlesslyedging, Ibringallthebadboystoheel.

Whatmakesagoodheel?

Nothinglessthaneightinches

Nothingmorepowerfulinchess thanaqueen&hermiddlefingertofate.

triplethread(s)

burlesquejustice

tylynjohnson

Zestpervadestheonlookersofthequeen,loungingonhisthroneofgold. Yes,heslays.Drapedinblacksilk,leavingonelegexposed, exceptsomethinghidesbetweenthoseregallegs,untuckedonlyforhisman. Withblood-bottomedheels,hestandsuptoapplause,pattinghisebonylocs.The vogueofhisperformancefinallyarrived,afteryearsoffear undertheweightofaworldthatcastedhimasacreatureoftheunholy. Thepracticesthisqueenhaddoneintheclosethadpreparedhimto sharewiththeworldthislovethatheknewmightneverberealized. Raringtobecomewhatheknewhewas,themoonlightinthedark.A queenofthenight.Ofthedownpourthatwouldfinally,finally, pavethewayforhispeopletostandunderthatrainbowoneday. Owningthatstage,herolledhisbodyunderthatdress, narratingasongwithhisbodyashislipsmirroredthelyricswithnaryasound. Meetingthecrowdhalfway,thisqueenfinallyfeltsomethingglowinthatchestofhis. Liberated,queernesswithoutallthefear.Happy,asoulthathadgrownlight.Blowing kissestohisstarstruckpeople,hecurtsiesforthem,theirscreams,theirdollarbills.

Justastheendofhisshownears,hespeakstohistemporarysubjects “Iwon’ttellyoutonothate,honies,”hesays,“CauseIknowthatI hateplentyofthingstoo;bigotry,ignorance,disrespect,stupidity. Girls,thelistgoeson.Butdomeafavor,andspreadalittlelove.”Thisqueen,longknownas fruity,afag,aflower,afairy,apansy,strutspastthosethatoncedismissedhim. Easilyworkingheelsthatwouldstealthelifeofanotheraway,he damnshisopposition.Thehelltheytriedtodraghimtowouldhavetowait, ‘causehestillhadtorulehispeople,todecreethatlovewouldcontinuetobespread. Becausethatiswhatthisverymomentwasfor.Andintheend, anotherrebellionwasbroughttoitsend,thequeenandhispeoplesafestill.

blackman:femininityandfluidity tylynjohnson

Forasinglemoment,IinhabitthealtarofBlackfemininity, withmysilhouettedressedinthespotlight, andadressembracingmyframewithalltheloveIspentalifetimerejecting. MyheelsbringmealittleclosertoaheavenI’mnotsureIbelieveinyet, thoughmyfeetburnlikehell.

Myfacehasbecomeacanvasofawoman’smaking,apaintingcometolife, anduponmylipsrestsasongIhadlongknown,buthadfinallystartedmastering. Thisburdenofmagicfeltheavyatfirst,butIsoonstoppedfeelingitsweight. Mysoulhadlongleftmybodyduringtheperformance, soIretreatbackstageasmyfriendsinthecrowdscreamforanencore, nowIcanhearmyheartbeat,andasitdiesdownmymindgoeselsewhere.

IamremindedofwhenIfirststartedtoseriouslytoywithmyownfemininityasaman, withstruttinginheelsanddrapingfineryoverthisbodyItendtocallpitiful, ofhowthefirstpeopletomakemefeelbeautifulandworthy weretheBlackgirlsIwenttohighschoolwith.

TheyshowedmeIcouldbebeautiful,thatIcouldinheritdivinityforjustamomentintime. Sometimes,Ithinkmymotherdoesn’tbelievethatamancanbebeautifulorholy, thatIwillneverbeabletoinhabitneitherbeautynorholinessasIam. Andhistoryandherexperiencesvalidatethat.

EvenifsheneverdisapprovesofhowsoftnessflowsfromtheseBlacklips, IstillremembertheconversationswewouldhaveafterIfirstcameouttoherasgay, howshe’dsaythatgaymenacteffeminate,likewomen,forattention. Andyouknow,maybethat’strue, butistheresomethingwrongwithwantingtobeinthespotlight afterbeingrelegatedtotheshadows,thebackground,thecloset,forsolong? ShouldIceasethispartofmyjourneyofexistencetobea“realman?”

Isometimeswanttoaskherifshethinksmyqueernessdeservestomanifestitselfinfemininity, butwhywouldIaskthedivineifImayreachinsidemyselfforparadise, whenshehasalreadypreachedtomethatitisuptometocraftmyownholythrone?

Afterall,shebirthedmefulloflovetosurviveeventhehatredofacruelreality, soIgatherallthatloveinmyhandsasIdefinemyownworthiness, andalthoughthisworldmaynotapprove,Isitbeforethismetaphysicalaltar, allowingalushheritageoffemmeBlackroyaltytoreignovermeasman.

AndsointhosemomentswhereIbecomequeenly, whereIsmileinthemirrorandprofessmyscarstobejewelsuponmyskin,Irecognize; asman,queen,oranybodyin-betweenoroutsidethatbinary,Iwillfaceaconstantcriticism evenastensofhundredsofpeoplewouldupliftme, formydaringtoreachanexistenceculminatingattheintersectionofallureandheaven threatensthosewhoknowonlyofastatusquo.

WhowouldratherpluckthesoftflowerofBlacknessfromthisworldasifitwereaweed, orbetteryet,totramplesuchagracefullivingthing.

Whowoulddemeansweetnessinmasculinitytobeapoisonousfruit, hopingtodragafagthroughbrimstoneandfiremisreadfromancientscriptures, asifaniggaain’tapersonattheycore.

AllIcandoisletthemclaimthatIamthemostunnaturalthingsinceGodmadewomen, becauseifwearesounnaturalinqueerness, thenthefemininesexaresimplyotherworldlybeings, andthisistrue,foronlyagoddessmaysanctifythislandwithrainbows aftertheAprilshowershavefrozenoverthewinter, breathingcolorintoaworldlongseeningraysandfadedgreens.

Andisitsuchasinforamantowishtoaspiretobelikeagoddess?

Isitsowrongtowashmyselfinmymelanin,andinmysoul’srainbows, inordertoascendintoagorgeouskindofparadise?

Whatissowrongwithwantingtodelivermyselfawayfromtoxicmasculinity,outofmonotony, sothatIcanberebornintoacolorfullyfreeexistence?

AllsothatIcanlivewiththefluidityofwaterclearenoughforustoseeeverycolor, alifeforgedfromartistryandexpressionandperformance,divinelybeautiful.

chemise

mikkirios

mycostumercinchesmycorset/leavesmeagaspinghourglass/thenfastensmeintomynewolddress/a historicallyaccurategarment/somehow/alsomyfuture/dyedastonefruitatitsperfectsummer ripeness/adornedwitheggplantsandpeachesalongtheruffledhem/suddenlyitransform/i’ma cupcakeonatieredtowerathightea/apowderpuffonanimmaculatevanity/thehairpinresembling flowersinawoman’schignon/ifeellikeapoof/afloating/somethingairyandtremblingwithpower/ likethisicouldwhiskacrossadancefloor/haveanornatenecklaceclaspedatmynape/glitteringacross mydécolletage/ifeelinmotion/thepleatsarefinsorwingsordandelionsporesonazephyr/icould stepoveranyonewithmylegsthislong/andthey’dthankme/mypresenceissosoft/icouldgo anywhere/talktoanyone/lookingthemintheeye/divinefeminineconfection/thisbitchlooksgood/ iamaloft

odetoadultakech’swalkforjacquemus mikkirios

herstrideissinewyandseamless yeteachstepsnapshots

adeliberateanimationsequence

ofperfectillustrationsemerging witheachgestureabirdofparadise

scarletandmagentawithclementinepop thebeatpacesitselftohermotions

whenisayshetickedjointsandrippledlikeamacaw hoveredoffthegroundahummingbird

pouredthroughspaceasasnakedoes

imeantheprimordialdivine

wherebirdsandserpentsaredeities

livingatopentiresacredtowers

orsleepingsprawledacrossimmenselake-beds

imeansheevokedsomethinglushandjade

withoutwearinganygreen

afallingleafmillefeuillesetintreeresin

thatwalkkeptgoinglongafteryoucouldn’t seeitwithyoureyes

chemisealacottagecore

mikkirios&elizabethkumaki

Thecutofthegowninthisseriesbecamefamous inthewesternworldina1783portraitofMarie AntoinettebyElisabethVigée-LeBrun.Whileit wasalreadywellknownincertainoppressed cultures,theportraitofAntoinettesaddledthis garmentwiththemoniker“chemisealareine”or “chemiseofthequeen”whichwouldserveto connectthedress,Antionette,andacomparisonto thechemise(anundergarment)formorethantwo hundredyears.

Antoinettepopularizedthiscutofdressin Europeanculturewhenshestartedwearingthem tovacationathercountryhouses(whichwere entirelyornamentalanddesignedtolooklikerural villages).Shelikedtopretendshewasasimple countryshepherdess,buttheinspirationlikely camefromfashionableandpracticalhotweather churchgoingandsocializingdresseswornbyfree andenslavedcreolewomenlivinginHaiti,better knownasthe“robealacreole”(butthisisalsoa Frenchtermandthusalsooutsidernomenclature). Itisnotablethatthedresswasmadefromcotton

whichhadtobeimportedtoFranceandwas likelycomingfromtheworkofenslavedpeoplein whatisnowtheUSorsubjugatedpeopleinIndia.

The“cottagecore”aesthetichasmuchincommon withthehistoryoftherobealacreoleinthatitis anexpensiveandshipping-heavycolonial appropriationofanidealizedworking-class “pastoral”lifestyle.Cottagecorefashionand photographyismeanttotransporttheviewerto anapocryphalcottagewhereafreshbakedpie coolsonthewindowsillasstewbubblesonthe hearth,freshcutflowersarrangedjauntilyina masonjarrestonawoodentable,andbeautiful womeninspotlessapronsdelicatelyholdteacups withsoft,manicuredfingerswithoutaspeckof dirtbeneaththeirnails.Theonlyantsattheirdaily picnicsinthesunlivewithinthewhimsical embroideryontheirlinennapkins.Thehorses shovelouttheirownstallslesttheygetaspeckof dirtonthecottageowner’sneatlypressedoveralls. Itdoesn’tmatterthattheclotheswereallmade frompolyesterinasweatshopforadropshipping companyandsentthousandsifnothundredsof thousandsofmilestobewornonceinaphotoby theirfinalrecipientandthendiscardedtoliveon forcenturiesinalandfillandmillenniaas microplastics.Cottagecore,likethechemiseala reine,isaboutfantasyfirstandforemost.

Theuseofharshurbanbackgroundswithsmall pocketsofvegetationinthephotosofthis “chemisealacottagecore”wasintendedto intensifythethemeofdisconnectwithnatureas anactiveexperienceinfavorofconnectiontoitas anaesthetic.Theplantsserveaspropsandsetand thestructuredbutunmanicuredlookofthe municipalvegetationreflectstheartificial intentionsofcottagecore’sfauxpastorality.This uncannyconnectiontoaperfectedanddigitized versionofnatureisreinforcedwiththeintentional clashofseasons.Thedressitselfisaspringgown butispresentedinasummerresortcolorpalette anddecoratedwithimagesofsummerproduce. Thesetisdecoratedwithpumpkinsandfall foliage.Theimagesaredisconnectedfromany realexperienceofpastorallifewhilealsodisplaying manyofthemainthemesofcottagecore.

Thisgarmentwasbothstitchedbyhandandona vintageSinger.Overtwelvemetersofcottonvoile weredipdyedbyhandusingRITdyes,stamped withpeachesandeggplantsusingSpeedballfabric ink,andgathereddownintoawearablegown meanttoevokethefreshandfruity“farmer’s market”aestheticsofcottagecorewhilestilllargely stayingtruetotheoriginalpatternfortherobeala creole.Eachlineofgathersisfullyadjustableusing drawstringsallowingforacomfortablefitover manydifferenttypesofundergarmentsranging fromdragpaddingtoabasicsliporbareskin.This particularshootfeaturesminimalpaddingbuta strong,corsetedunderstructure.

Weapproachedthedesignanddragstylingofthe garmenttobelessinlinewith“female impersonation”butinsteadinconnectionwiththe larger,morefluiddragtraditionofsimultaneously honoringandparodyingideasfromart,history, fashionandcurrenttrends.Thehatismassive becauseit’sbothmoreelevatedandcomedicthat

way.Theshoesaretottering,toweringluciteheels preciselybecausethey’reimpracticaland unrealisticforanyoutdooractivity,atouchof contemporarydragaestheticssneakingin.The wigisadustyrosehaircolorthat’sdecidedly2020s forthesamereason.Peachesandeggplantswere ourchosenstampsbecausetheyreferencesexually andspecificallyqueer codedemoji.Everything isintendedtobebothbackwardandforward looking,alwayswinkingandnoddingatevery pointthatcanbelinkedtootherideas.Something soself-aware,sodetailoriented,thatit’snewand entirelyunencumberedfun.

features

startwithyourownstyle: ajabarberonsustainablefashion

interviewedbyaddietsai

IfirstcametoknowyouonTwitter,andin theshorttimeI’vebeenawareofyourwork, I’vealreadylearnedsomuchaboutnotonly fastfashion,butalsothetensionsand pushbackyou’vegottenfromothers.Could youstartbyintroducingyourself,andtelling usabitabouthowyougotintothiswork?

AB:I’mawriterwhodealsinsustainabilityandall it’sintersections.Ialsoconstantlyinvitepeopleto reevaluatethewaysinwhichtheyconsume.

Whatisfastfashionandwhyisitsoharmful?

Fastfashionisclothingchurnedoutrapidly(often inlargequantities)withnoconsiderationofthe environmentorthehumanswhomakethe clothes.It’sharmfulbecauseittakesalarge environmentaltollonthehealthofourplanet whilemistreatingmillionsofpeoplemostlyinthe globalSouth.Becausethechurnoffastfashionis SOfastandconstant,itmeanswetheconsumer arediscardinganddonatingourclothesatafar higherratethanbefore.We'veoverloaded

donationsystemstothepointwherewearenow dumpingunwantedclothesonpeopleinthe globalSouthwhodon’tneedthemorwantthem. Theentiresystemisamess.

Forthosewhodon’thaveexpendableincome, whataresomesimplestepsyousuggestin quittingfastfashionandembracingethical clothinghabits?

Step1:Alwaysfigureoutyourpersonalstyle.Fast fashioncapitalizesontellingyouwhatyoushould bewearinginsteadofyoudecidingforyourself. Figuringoutwhatitisthatyoulikemeansyou makefewermistakeswhenitcomestopurchasing fewerclothes.ButItellpeopleonewaytolessen theimpactofthesystemistobuyacoupleof itemssecondhandeveryyear.Idothisonsites likeVestiaireCollectiveandeBay.Youdon’thave tochangeyourstylejustbecauseyou’rechanging yourways.IlookforbrandsIalreadyknowIlove, whichmakesitsomucheasierplusyousave money.IlovenabbingabargainonsomethingI couldn’taffordafewyearsago.

Ontheotherhand,I’massumingthatjust becauseaclothingitemisexpensivedoesn’t makeitsustainable.Howdoesoneensure thatwhothey’rebuyingfromisn’t contributingtotheproblem?

Iwouldsaythequestionthatcutsthroughallthe BSistoasktheclothingbrandifeveryonewho makestheclothesispaidfairwages.Thehigh streetdancesaroundthisquestionbecausethere’s nowaytheycanensurethis.Butsmallerbrands canusuallytellyouexactlywhomadeyour clothesandinwhatconditions.Plusyougetto buysomereallyuniqueitems.Smallerbrandsare thewayforwardforbuyingnewclothes.

Tellusmoreabouthowraceandracismisa partoftheproblemsyouseeinthefashion industry.

Fromstarttofinishthefashionindustryisbuiltoff thelaborofbrownandBlackpeople.Fromchattel slavery,whichmadeiteasiertoproduceclothing becauseofthequickproductionofcottonto BritishcolonialismandtheEastIndiaCompany, whichwasallaboutdisruptingthecottontrade whichmadeIndiaasuperpower.Additionally todayrawmaterialsareproducedinnonwhite countriesintheglobalSouth.Thelaborto producetheclothingcomesfromnonwhite countriesintheglobalSouth.Andwhenweare donewithourclothingitgetsdumpedrightback onnonwhitecountriesintheglobalSouth.

Whoareyourfavoritesustainableindie designersrightnowthatyouthinkpeople needtoknowmoreabout?We’dlove especiallytohearaboutdesignerswhooffer clothesforbodiesnottypicallydesignedfor, suchasfatanddisabledfolks.

IdoalinewithmyLoraGenewhichbringsmea lotofjoy.

Let’stalkSHEIN.Tellourreaderswhatmakes buyingfromthemsoharmful,andanyother popularfastfashionbrandsourreadersshould considerdivestingfrom.

Alotoffastfashionbrandsyouseeonthehigh streethavethesamebadpracticesyouseewith Shein.Lowpaidworkersinabusivesituations.It’s whysomanybrandscanpriceclothingso incrediblylow.Thepriceofclothingisartificially suppressedbecausethere’salotofexploitation that’sbeenhappeningforalongtime.What makesSheinscarieristhechurn.Theclothing theyproduceisfivetimesthatofyourH&Mand yourZara’swhichmeanstheirfootprintishuge andtheirwaste...willbeeveryone’sproblem. Additionallythecompanyisverymurkyand evadesaccountabilityandwhenthathappensthat’s howyouendupwithleadclothes.It’sjusta generalmess.Avoid!Avoidkids!

Inaperfectworld,what’sthefashionworld youenvision?Howwoulditneedtochange?

ThefashionworldIenvisionisonewheresmall, ethicalbrandsarepraisedaboveallandgivenequal footingonthemainstage.Thiswaythebigger brandswouldfeelchallengedtorisetothe occasion.

Thisisaqueermagazine,so,ifyou’rewilling toshare,we’dlovetoknowtheBIGTHREE onyourchart:sun,moon,andrising.

Ohmigod,amIabadqueerifIdon’tknow? (Laughsnervously)

danclay(akacarriedragshaw)offersten bajillionwaystobecomingaqueen interviewedbyaddietsai

Canyoutellmeaboutyourrelationshipto SexandtheCity,howyougotinterestedin it?Ijustwanttoheareverythingrelatedto thatworld.

YouwanttohearhowaHalloweencostume literallychangedmylife?SoIcametoSex and the City quitelate.Ialmostwasdraggedthere.Ifirst watcheditasasophomoreincollegeat NorthwesternIhadHBOinthefraternityroomI waslivingin.Abunchofgirlswantedtowatch theseasonfinaleof Sex and the City.BecauseIwas embodyingaparticulartypeofman,Ipretended tohateit.Theywerewatchingit,andIwas rollingmyeyes.Oh,this woefully feminine show. Inside,Iwas,like,Oh my god! This woman is fabulous!Thatwasmyfirstexposure.Itwasyears beforeIfounditagain,whenImovedtoNew York.Asluckwouldhaveit,Imovedintoan apartmentonPerryStreet,whichisthestreether apartmentisonintheshow.Ihadafriendcome visit,andshewaslike,Oh, I can’t believe you live on Carrie Bradshaw’s street! Isaid,

Oh, I’ve never seen the show. Westoppedeverything andstartedwatchingtheshow.Honestly,those firstfewepisodes,whichIwatchedwhenIwas singleandfirstdatinginNewYork,feltlikea documentary.Thisismylife.Thesearemy relationshipsIhavewithguys.Thesearethe friendshipsIhave.Itfeltsoreal.Ihaveamuch smallerapartment,andasmallershoebudget.But, asidefromthat.[laughs]OnceIactuallywatched it,itwasloveatfirstviewing.IwassuchaCarrie intimately.Herfaultsareverysimilartomyown faults.Herstrengthsaresimilartomystrengths. Herpassionsaresimilartomypassions.Justhadso muchsuperficiallyincommon.I’vealways dreamedofdressinguplikeherforHalloween. Butittookquiteawhiletomusterupthecourage towearatutu.BecauseevenwhenIwasyounger, Ithoughtcomingoutwasamoment.Andthen you’reout.Andthenit’sallover.Butit’sbeenso gradualformeintermsofcomingoutand comingintoembracingallthedifferentsidesof myself.ItwasalongtimebeforeIwasconfident enoughtowearatutuforHalloween.Butthen theHalloweenof2016IdressedlikeCarrie.Itwas thisveryspecialmomentforme.Ithinksomuch inmyheadofseeing[theshow]inmyfratroom whenIwassonotevenclosetooutofthecloset tojustfinallyfeelingconfidentenoughtodo somethingIhadalwayswantedtodo.Itwassuch afunday.Itookatonofpictureswithmyfriends. IpostedoneonInstagram.Notevenoncedidthe thoughtcrossmymindthatitwouldbeanything otherthansomethingmyfriendswouldsee,how wepostforHalloween.Iwentoutthatnight.I didn’tevenbringmyphonebecauseIdidn’thave apurse.Ididn’twanttoruinmyperfectoutfit.It reallywassoperfect.IwenttoPatriciaFieldfor thetutu.Itriedon18differenttanktopstomake sureIgottheperfectone.Ican’twalkaround withatotebag!Ijustwentfootlooseandfancy free.

ThenIgothomethenextmorningandmy phoneexploded.

OhmyGod.

InawayIstilldon’tunderstandhowithappened. Itwasjustcrazy.Openingitandseeingcomments inforeignlanguagesandcommentsfromHBO andSarahJessicaParker.Itmademesohappy. ThenextdayIpostedanotherHalloweenpicture. NoonestartedfollowingTongueincheekkind ofthing,rememberhowIwentviralyesterday? Thatonewentcrazyalso.Itwasrighttowardthe endoftheHilaryClinton/DonaldTrump presidentialrace.Theinternetwasthisdark intenseplace.Ithoughtmaybeit’sanopportunity to1)havefunandnotoveranalyzeeverysingle decisionImakeand2)spreadalittlebitoflove andsunshineintotheworld.That’showCarrie Dragshawwasborn.Iwanttokeep

doingthis.It’smakingpeoplehappy.Iseemto havebeengivenagiftfromthealgorithmgods andit’sreachingabunchofpeople.Ikeptdoing it,alwaysthinkingI’ddothreeorfourmore outfits.Thatwassevenyearsago.

So,Iknowalittlebitaboutwhatittakestodo thisthing.I’mwonderingifthese[posts]were momentswhereyousaid,Irememberthat outfitthatCarriewaswearinginxepisode,or doyougoonlineandsearchandbecome inspired?Howdoesitworkgoingfromthat totheDIYpart?Howmuchof[whatyou wear]isstuffyoualreadyhave,andhow muchdoyouhavetogooutandfindonline, etc?

Bynow,it’salloftheabove.WhenIfirststarted, itwasmytopfavoritelooks,theoutfitsIso rememberedandinstantlyconnectedto.Ithink anySex and the Cityfanhasarunninglistoftheir favoritelooks.ButthenasIkeptgoing,itwas moresearching,

orwatchinganepisode,Oh,I’veneverdonethat. Whenitwasgrowing,justaskingpeople.What canIwearnext?

Ohthat’ssocute!

It’ssuchapassionatelittlecommunity.Everybody hadtheirownfavorites.WhenIwasdoingita ton,Iwouldmixoutfitsthatwouldtakeatonof workwithoutfitsthatwerealittlebiteasier,to managemysanity.Ihadpreciselyzerodrag and/orsartorialskillswhenIbegan.

Sothisisthebeginningofyourdrag?

Veryverybeginning.SoIhadnoideawhatIwas doing.Butitwaskindofpartofthefunforme, justlearningasIgo.Oh,fuck,shehasasmoky eyeinthisone?HowamIgonnadoasmokyeye?

Andjusttrying.Meetingproperdragqueens throughoutwhogavemeindispensabledrag mothertypeguidance,Oh,that’showyou’re…? No,yougottadothis.Allofthesethingsyou

justdon’tacquireinyourdailylife.

Whichiskindoflikethatsceneinyour forthcomingnovel,BecomingaQueen, wheretheygototheparty,andthedrag queenshelpMarkout.[Laughing]

Yes,exactly.Thatwasdefinitelyinspiredbymy connectiontoafewqueensIthinkmyfavorite partisthecaptions.Myfavoritepartaboutthe DIYofitisthatfeelingof there’snowayI’m gonnabeabletoimitatethis$90,000Versace gown.There’sjustnoway.Thenyoutakeitbit bybit.HowcanIgetsomethingthatlookslike thethingshe’swearingontop?Whatmight embodythelayersthatshehas?Bitbybit.It’s becomesorewarding.Atthetimethatitstarted, andstill,Ihadaveryprofessionalcareer.Soit’s suchadifferentpartofmybraintobeusing whichissoexciting.There’ssuchanescapewhen you’retryingtolearnsomethingbrandnewto you.Theworldisfallingapart,butIgottalearnto putfakeeyelasheson.Thatismytaskrightnow.

It’ssofun.Istillfeelsogratefulforthe happenstancethatcreateditallbecauseithasledto somuchconnection.There’ssomanyplusesand minusestosocialmedia.IfeelsogratefulIhave thisoasisofpositivityandconnectionwithpeople overthisreallyfunshow.

Who’stakingthephotos?Youalsodothis reallyamazingmirroringoftheactualshot.I knowhowhardthatistoaccomplish.

Inthebeginning,itwasjustanyfriendIcould convincetocomeover.Intheverybeginning,I wasalittlebit weallhaveourownthings.One ofmythingsisaskingforhelp.Therewasaperiod inbetweenwhenitwasaHalloweencostumeand itwasathingwhereIwasjust—even my friends are gonna think I’m absolutely out of my mind sofor thefirstfewpictures,IhiredaTaskRabbit.

[laughing]Ilovethatsomuch.

DC:Oncetheygettomyapartmenttheywon’t beabletosaynoorelsethey’llbehomophobic.

Whatdidyoutellthemtheyweredoing?

Ineedaphotographerforafewhours.Itwasso weird.Iwouldn’tevenacknowledgeit.I pretendeditwasthemostnormalthinginthe world.Ididn’tacknowledgeIwasinbaddrag.

Totalcommitment.

Onewasthebandeautopandthecowboyhat.It’s suchanoutthereoutfit.Ithadtobeoutside.Okay, follow me.[ATlaughs]Wewenttothispark.The verybeginningwastouchandgo.Onceitgot energypeoplewantedtotakethem.It’ssofun.I haveabunchoffriendswhojust

enjoyedthecreativityoftakingthepictures.

NowI’mcurious,whatisyoursunsign?

Cancer.

Oh,Cancer.Interesting.I’maVirgoandI definitelyrelatetotryingtoaskpeoplefor helpistheworst.

It’shard.Partofthishashelpedmewiththat.You askforhelpandyourealizethelimitsofyour capabilities.Askingforhelpiswhatthenallowsit toexpandandotherpeoplegettohavefunwith it,too.Goesfrombeingthisisolatedprojectto beingsomethingthatconnectsmewithmy friends,too,andmeetingnewpeople.Thereare somanyoutfits.NowIthink,that’stheonewhere myfriendtaughtmehowtosewinsidetheDolce &Gabbanarobe,andthat’stheonewheremy friendcameoverandtaughtmehowtomakea floweroutofcoathangers.Eachonehasalittle personalstoryforme,whichissofuntogoback on.

Tellmeabouttheevolutionofthecaptions, andabouthowthecaptionsareandarenot whatweseeonSex and the City.

Afterthesecondpicture,whichwasstillfromthe firstnight,IdecidedthatifI’mgoingtocontinue doingthis,Iwasgoingtomakealistofrulesfor myself.OnewasthatIhadtodowhateverittook forpeopletonotthinkitwasaparodybecauseit wassoimportantformetohaveitfeellikea projectofloveandadmirationandadorationand respectbecauseIlovethecharacter.Thereareso manyamazingsidesofdrag.Someofitis exaggeratingandsomeofitisreading.Thishasto feellikeaprojectoflove.Theothersideforme wasatthetimeIwasstartingtothinkabout

writing.IwriteformyprofessionalcareerandI wantedtoexploremoreofit.OneoftherulesI madeformyselfwasnodragwithoutwriting.I can’tjustdotutuTuesdayandpostacutepicture ofdrag.Itallhastohavesomesortofmessage, whichwasrelatedtothetimeitwascomingout.I don’twantthistojustbesilly.Iwanteveryoneto geta giggle, a thought, and a boost

That’ssosweet.

Theoutfitissocute,fine.Ialsowantalittlebitof athought,andhaveeverythingtoendwith positivitybecauseitwassuchanintensetime. CarrieDragshawisnotgonnahaveanythoughts ontheG20summits.[Bothlaugh.]Allofthatis obviouslyimportant.Iwantedtobeveryclear aboutmyroleintheonlinelandscape.SoImade thislistofrulesformyself.ThenIwatched15 episodesofSex and the City backtobacktoback. DocumentedhowCarriewrites.Whatarethe cluesthatwouldmakeitsoundlikeCarrie.Imade

thisspreadsheetofrules.Multiplequestionsina row.ObviouslyI couldn’t help but wonder Transitioningfromherindividualexperienceinto Maybe all women are. Nevermakingdeclarative statements.Ithinkthere’ssomethingsobrilliant abouttheshowinthatitinvitesyouin.Oneof thereasonsit’ssorewatchableishermonologues arejustsomanystructuralthingsthatjust maybe all of us are hasyouleanin,nodyourhead,have yourownthought.IwantedtorewriteCarriea littlebitbecausethoughIdohavealotin commonwithCarrie,Ialsothankfullyhavealittle bitofafirmergriponthings.[Bothlaugh.]What ifIaccentuatedtheCarriecharacteristicsthatI love thatfierceindependence,notsoneedyon guys,notdependingontheebbsandflowsof men’sattentionforherselfesteem?SoIremade CarrieDragshawtoaccentuatetheCarrieI wantedtopushintotheworld.I’vestayedvery truetothatoriginalintentionofa giggle, a thought, and a boost

Ilovethat,that’ssogood.

I’veneverendedwithoutaboost.EvenwhenI wantedto,whenI’vebeengoingthroughmy ownthings.They’reallsoautobiographical. WhenIrereadthem,Ithink,Oh yeah, that’s when I was ghosted by that guy, that’s when I almost got a book deal but didn’t They’rejustallthinlyveiled memoir.It’sbeenanamazingexerciseforme becauseIhavealotoftheself-reflectionthat Carriehasthatcanbeavirtueandavice.Thefact thatIhavetoforcemyselfoutofit,andinthe momentreflectonit, What is the lesson? How would I advise someone to move on from ghosting?, hasbeenreallyhelpfulforme.Creatingthis characterthathastheconfidenceIwishIhadhas givenmethatconfidence.It’sbeenaverydrawn outtherapyformethathopefullyhasaddedalittle lighttootherpeople’slives.

Wasthisthefirsttimeyoudressedindrag yourwholelife?

Moreorless.IlivedinDCandthiswasbefore RuPaul’s Drag Race therewassomethingcalled theDragRace.Iforgetwhatstreetitwasdown butitwasaraceofdragqueens.Thatwasthefirst timeI’deveractuallydonedrag.Ididitwithmy friendsanditwassomuchfun.Itreallylitmeup. ButIwasn’treadytoeverdoitagain.Oneyear forChristmasIwasEightMaidsaMilking.Iwasa reallysnatchedmaid.Iloveditbutneverwanted tobetheonetodoit.CarriewasthefirsttimeI wastheinstigator.EventhatyearforHalloween, myfriendshadagroupcostumeidea.Oh, join our group costume.AndIsaid, I’m gonna do my own thing.

TellmehowmeetingSarahJessicaParker happened.

One,itwastotallywild.Fromtheverybeginning, shewassokind.OneofthereasonsIcontinued doingit.Ican’trememberwhen,butmaybethree orfourpicturesin,shestartedfollowingme.I can’tgoback—

Youcan’tstopnow.[laughing]

topostingpicturesofmynepheworposting thirsttraps.I’minthepresenceofaniconhere.It wasprettyunbelievableforthisregularperson. Fromthebeginning,therewasthisburstof publicity.Alotofitisjusttiming.Alotofarticles aboutthe one bright spot of 2016 Itwasjustavery love-and-sunshinekindofthing.Allofthemwere SJP approved,theheadlineofeverything.Her supportinthebeginningis100%thereasonit tookonthelifeitdid.Throughouthercareershe hasprovidedsomuchjoyforme.Thenshewould writethesemessagesthatthiswasprovidingjoy forher.Icouldn’tevenwrapmyheadaroundit. Formecelebritieslivedinadifferentsphereof existencesotheideathatshewasconnectedto themwas…andthenshementionedtheaccount inaninterviewsomewhere.Oh my god, she really knows what’s going on ThenIgetthisverycasual Facebookmessagefromsomeonewhoworkedon AndyCohen’sWatch What Happens Live: Hey, we ’ re having Sarah Jessica Parker on the show, would you be interested in coming on?

[Bothlaugh]

Would I be interested? Iwouldgivemyleftarm.

SoIcalled.Yeah, we ’ re gonna do this pageant of drag queens impersonating her. I thought maybe you could do the SexandtheCityone.Maybe?!Itwasso crazy.Thenthejoy.Andtheninstantly, debilitatingfear.

Iwaswonderingaboutthis.

OneoftheonlythingsIregretishowimpossible itwastoenjoythelead-uptothatbecauseIwasso terrified.Itwaseverything.Whenacarslamson thebrakesandtheluggagecomesforward.You’re goingtobeonTV,indrag.Notjustdrag,but silly.Everyinsecurity.I’mgonnabeonTVinthe mostpublicwaypossibleembodyingeverything that’severmademeinsecureinmylife.Andthen justthefearofnotbeingagooddragqueen.My wigsaren’tthatgood.Mymakeupisn’tthatgood. OnInstagramit’sfunandDIYbuttheytoldme whotheotherdragqueenswere,andthey’re amazingdragqueens.DragqueensIgoseeinthe city,soIwasterrifiedofthat.Andthen,therewas atonoffeararound,howtheysay,don’t meet your icons.She’snotgonnamaketheconnectionthat thisCarrieDragshawisthesamepersonshe followsonInstagram.Orshe’sgonnaseemeand bethisdivaandit’sgonnabereallycrushing.

Sososoafraid.Thentheshowstarted.Iwalked outandhereyecontact.I’veneverhadeye contactlikethisbefore.

ShewassellinghershoesinHouston.I couldn’taffordtheshoesbutIwentthereto seeher.Shespentintenselyintimatetime witheverysingleperson.Youdidnotfeellike shewasrushingthem.

ThatwasoneofthelessonsItookawayfromthe experience.Whenyou’rereallyfamous,there’s thisswirlofpeopleeverywhereyougo.Itwas interestingobservingitbecauseit’ssonotmy world.There’ssomebodywhoopensthedoorfor you,somebodywhodrivesyou.Everysingle personsheinteractedwith,shegavethemthis moment.Sheeventalkedtothefriendthatcame withme.Shewasjustsokind.Inaninstant,itwas thisacknowledgmentofeverything.Itmeantso sososomuchtome.

Inoticedsheinterruptedthemomenttotalk abouttheInstagramaccount—

Theno drag without writing!Shementionedthe writingwhichwassomeaningfultome.Ieven hadthiswholeexistentialcrisisaboutchangingthe nameoftheaccount.Whenitstartedgrowing, peoplewerelike,you have to change the name to CarrieDragshaw. IwenttodoitandIcouldn’tdo itbecauseyes,obviouslythisisacharacter,butit wasalsofarandawaythemostauthenticthingI hadeverdoneinmyentirelife.IfanythingI shouldchangemynametoCarrieDragshaw.

It’snotapersona.

ItismoremethananythingI’veeverbeen.The captionshavetheguiseoftalkinglikeCarrie

buteverythingthat’sbeingsaidissomethingI wishedIhadthecouragetosayasmyself.Even havingher—notatallinanegoway—saymy name.Shewasextremelykind.I’mrelativelyput together.Butaftertheshow,Iwassucha rollercoasterofnervesandemotions.Astheshow wasending,shesaid,Wait for me SoIstayed.I thoughtshemeant, Just wait, don’t go anywhere.So I’mstandingbehindthebarontheshow.This personislike, It’s over. You have to go.

[laughing]AllofthisiswhatIwouldbe doing.

SarahJessicaParkersaidtowait!

SoI’mnotdoinganythingelse.

SoIcan’tgoanywhere?[Bothlaugh.]ThenI wentbackstageandshewassounbelievablykind. IwaswordvomitingaboutthemanicureI

gotandhowIhadtodrawmarkeronmywigto makehighlights.Iwasjusttalkingtalkingtalking talkingandnotsayingathing,andshewassoso sosoextravagantlykind.Itreallywasthebestday ofmylifeforsomanyreasons.Itwassuchan embodimentofallmyinsecuritiesandavalidation ofthem.Ihadmybestfriendthere.IknewI wouldn’tbeabletoarticulatemyselfsoIwrotea notebeforehand,thisiswhatIactuallywanttosay toyou.Itjustmeanttheworldtome.Youshould meetyourheroes,ifyourheroisSarahJessica Parker.

Whatdoyoudoasyourdayhustle?Howdid yougetfromthatlifetoCarrieDragshawto yourdebutnovel,Becoming a Queen?Whatwas theevolution?

Ithinkoneofthelate-in-lifelessonsI’velearnedis thatwhilegrowing,you’reasked,what do you want to be growing up?Asifthere’sonething. RightnowI’mfivethings.Youcanactuallybe themall.Mycareerfor13years,andstill,isIwork atabrandagencycalledLippincott.Ialsoconsult forthisclimatechangenonprofitthatstarted insideLippincott.Itwasbasicallyoperatingfrom therealizationthatclimatechangehasabrand problem.Evenpeoplewhocareaboutitdon’t prioritizeitintheirvoting.Soit’sanadagencyfor climatechange.Iworkforthatalittlebit,and obviouslyCarrie.Itwasveryveryclearfromthe firstmessageIevergotveryearlyoninCarrie wherethewriting,andconnectingtopeople throughthewriting,aspeoplebegantotellme howitinspiredthem,wassuchauniquely rewardingfeeling.Itwassosaucepan-to-the-sideof-thefaceobviousthatthisiswhatyouwantto do.Thisiswhatmakesyourheartsing.Sofora whileitwasjust,channelthatintoCarrie.Then themoreIgotexcitedaboutCarrieandaboutthe captionsandaboutconnectingwithpeoplein

thatway,that’swhenIstartedexploringwriting stufflongerthanacaption,inatrajilliondifferent directions.Oh,maybememoirormaybea Carrie-lengththing.Justexperimented.Itwasso fun.I’msureyoufeelthisinyourcreativepursuits. Mycareerissostructuredandsomuchoflifeis structuredthatitwasamazingjusttryingthings andseeingwhatwasworkingandwhatwasn’t.It startedtofeellikeitmightbeathingIreally wantedtodoseriously.Istartedtakingonline classes,howdoyoustructureabook?I’drecently graduatedfrombusinessschool.I’mnotgoing backtoschool.Stillpayingofftheloansfromthe previousone.Donewithundergrad,donewith businessschool.SoIcan’tactuallygotoschool. Samewayyoucanlearnonlinehowtodoa smokyeye,youcanlearnonlinehowtostructure achapter,howtotransition.Thefictionsidewas reallylightingmeupthatsomeofthe experimentationwasn’t.ThenIwenttoacourse calledHighlights.Anin-personschoolwhere therewereteachersandpublishedauthors.

It’ssuchanamazingprogram.Thesamewaythat

CarrieDragshawdid,itchangedmylife completely.Itintroducedmetopeoplethatdidn’t knowanythingabouttheInstagramworldand didn’tknowme.MymomwassayingIwasa goodwriter,butI’mnotsureshe’sanobjective audience.Itookthisnovelworkshopandthe otherparticipantswouldsayitwasclearthenovel asawholewasn’tgood.Butitwasalsoclearparts were.Okay,wellifIcanwritethatpart,thenIjust havetodothat900moretimes.Havingstrangers validateit,saying,okay,youcandothis.Youjust havetokeeplearning,keeptrying.Imeta publisherwhogavemealistofagentswhoshe thoughtwouldberelevantforthetypeofthingI wastryingtowrite.Igotasuggestionfrom someoneintheliteraryworldaboutYoungAdult andIwasreallyinspiredbythatbecauseabigpart ofCarriewasthinkingitwouldbesocooltohelp peopleskippastthecompletelyunnecessaryyears ofshame.Canthey,really?Idon’tknow.Ijust wastedsomuchenergyhatingpartsofme.Itwas atotalwaste.Ididnotneedtodothat.Idon’t thinkeveryonedoesit.WithCarrieandwiththis youngadultbook,Icouldgetthereearlier.Adults areprettyset.Ilovedtheideaofgettingtopeople alittlebitearlierbecause,Lordknows,Ihope schoolisalittledifferentnowthanwhenIwas there.Butnotthatdifferent.

Iusuallyhatethehow autobiographical is your novelquestion,butgivenyourparticular journey…Imean,Markdoes endupcreating thissocialmediaprojectthatcomesfromhis personalexperience[withloss].Howmuchof Mark,theprotagonistofBecoming a Queen,is you?

Somuchofhimismetothepointwherethere wereroundsofeditingwherepeoplewouldmake commentsaboutMarkandit’slike,Oh my god, that is a lesson I need to learn for myself.

[laughing]He’s just totally in his own way so much so that it’s not believable Therearetonsofwayshe’s differentfromme,also,butalotofhisinsecurities areinsecuritiesI’vehad.Alotofhisdragjourney andexperienceandbeingsotentativearesooneto-onewithmyexperienceandevenhis[spoiler alert]name,thefactthatIdidn’twanttochange myInstagram.

—Ilovethatpart!Andthefriendsaretrying veryhardtogivehimsomethingmore fabulousthanaregulardudename.

They’dallgrownupwithDrag Racesothey expectedacertainamountofpizzazz.Hopefully I’mnotasdebilitatinglyinteriorasheisbutI probablyam.

Whataboutrelationshippatternsintermsof howhe

Definitelytheguyhestartswith.Thatwas cathartictowrite.

[Bothlaugh]

It’sdefinitelythe guy.Irememberonetimeme andmyfriend wedidn’tgetdumped,becauseit wasn’tenoughtohaveitbedumped,butwewere spurnedbythesameguy.Wewerelike,are ten guys doing this to everyone? It’slikethere’sjustafew guyswe’reallgoingafter.OneofthethingsIwas tryingtocaptureinthebeginningofthatbookis thatwhenyou’reyoungisthatifyou’reinaplace thatdoesn’thavemanyqueerpeople,youconnect withthe other one [laughing]Ascarcityissue.

It’stheonlyotheronethatyousee.Orit’swhat yourfantasiesareleadingyoutowards.Inreally beautifulwaystheguyheultimatelyconnects withI’vebeensofortunateinmyownlifetohave boyfriendswhoaresimilar,justtheprototypeof loving,selfless,kind,trulyshowingyouwhatitis tobeloved.Thatcharacterwasalsoinabeautiful wayacollectionofreallywonderfulamazing relationshipsI’vehadthroughoutmylife.That’s oneareaI’vestrayedfromCarrieBradshaw’spast.

[Bothlaugh.]I’mconfidentinmyownworthsoI thinkthatdoesleadmetomenwhoareabitmore EzrathanJohn.Carriereallydidn’thaveanyone.

NotevenBigwaseither.Istillcannothandle thathisnamewasJohntheentiretime.

ThatwasthefirstepisodeIsaw.

Youdon’tevenknowwhatitwaslike!

Girlswerelosingtheirmindsbecauseshelooksat thephoneandit’sfromJohn.

We’vewaitedhowmanyyearsforthisname?

There but for the grace of John go I [ATlaughs.]I hopetoimbuemyCarriewiththeconfidenceof Season2Carrie,thesmoking,I-don’t-need-nomanCarrie.

Theoutfitsaremuchwilder.

Totally.ShehasaDIYaestheticalmostintheearly daysandthentheygetthatDiorbudget.

Idon’twanttogiveawaythespoiler,butI’m wonderingifthiscataclysmiceventthat happensforMark’sfamily[whichinvolves alcoholabuse]thatchangesnotjusthisentire lifebuthisunderstandingofthekindof familyhewassittingin,wasalwaysapartof Becoming a Queen?

Itwastheoriginforme,morethanthedrag.It wasforveryspecificpersonalreasonsthatthis storyshowshowafamilyrecoversfromthis becausesomanyfamiliesareaffected,whetherit’s alcoholoropioids.Anyaddiction.Buthow?That wasthedrivingquestionforme.Howdowe? Countlesspeopledo.Howcouldyoupossibly? Whetherit’sanongoingthingoranending thing.Therearesomanybeautifulbooksabout recoveringfromyouridentity.Comingtoterms withyourself,lovingyourspecialself.Iwantto writesomethingwherehisLGBTQidentitywas

thesolutiontotheproblem,nottheproblem. That’swherethedragcomesinforme.Thereare countlessbooksaboutcomingtoloveyourselfbut IwantedhistobetheBplotlinetotheAplotline ofthefamilybecauseeventhedragofitallforme hasbeenasourceofhealingforsomanythings thathadnothingtodowithdrag.There’sjust somethingmagicalthatseemstohappenwhen youstartlovingyourfullself.Itstartshealing thingsyoudidn’teventhinkhadanythingtodo withyouridentity.Itbecomesthisallencompassinghelper.

It’sinterestingbecausewhenIfirstwantedto interviewyou—I’vebeenobsessedwithyou forawhile—butthenIsawyouhadanovel comingout,Ithought,THISISMYIN!—I hadn’treadthenovelyet.Ididn’trealizeat thetimehowperfectlythenovelwouldfit withthethemeofthisissue,whichis SURVIVE.NotjustwhatdragdoesforMark, butthatwhathe’sactuallyusingittohealand recoverfromisliteralsurvivalforhismental health,fortryingtomoveforward.

Yes.Hisfamilyandhisfriendships.Oneofthe arcsIwantedtodrawwasthatIthinkwhenyou starttoloveyourselfyoubecomemoregenerous withyourselfalso.Whenyou’reinareallytough spot,youthink,am I lovable?Itmakesithardto reachouttoothersbecauseyou’resoinyourself andoneofthethingsIwantedtodoisshowhim becomeamoremagnanimouspersonashe becomesmoreintouchwithhisfullness.There’s thislineofreasoningfrompeoplewhoareantitrans,anti-LGBTQ,thatalotofourchoicesinlife comefromaplaceofselfishness.Theyhearitas,I want you to use my pronouns because I’m exerting my power over you.They’reobviouslyonlyapplying theirownmentalconditiontoourexistence.I thinkwhenyoustartlovingyourself

andembracingyourself,it’stheopposite.You openyourselfupformoreconnectionandIhope thatcomesacrosswithhisfamilyrelationships,his boyfriends.TherearemomentswhereIdothink, Ohmygod,Mark,thereareotherpeopleinthe world!

Getittogether![Bothlaugh.]Oneofthe thingsIloveaboutBecoming a Queen,especially forYA,ishowyoupushagainstideasofthe normal andabnormal family.Markbelieveshe hasthistypicallyhealthyfamilyuntilthisloss disruptsthat.Thenyouhavehisboyfriend Ezra,whoisseenashavingthispretty dysfunctional,fracturedfamilyandit’salmost becauseofthathe’smoreabletocopewith conflictthanMarkisinitially.Ireallylove thatforteenagersbecauseonereasonIliketo writeYAis IgrewupwithJudyBlume, whoIlove butIfeelthere’sthiswholeworld ofYAalwaysdepictingthefamilyasakid withparentswhoaremarried,nobodyever fights.Idothinkinthosenormative familiesit’s whenunexpectedconflictsarisethatitblows uptheideaofhowhealthyorunhealthywe are.We’reallsomeversionofthesamething.

Oneofthethingsyoulearnasyougetolderisthat everyfamilyhasstuff.ExactlytoyourpointI thinksomeofthefamiliesthathavethehardest timedealingwiththingsaretheonesholdingon toacertainidentity we ’ re this kind of family and itpreventsyoufromactuallyaddressingissues head-on.

Oneofthejoysofwritingis,inordertowrite halfwaybelievablecharacters,youhaveto embodytheirmindset.Itwassoexpandingforme totrytothinkaboutwhyaparentwouldhide somethinglikethis.It’sobviouslyoutofloveor protection.Everyonethinksthey’redoingthe

rightthingwhenthey’redoingit.Oneofthe beautifulthingsabouttryingtowriteanythingis togetinthatmindsetwhereyourecallwhenyou reflectonsomeone’sdecision,oh this is the wrong way to handle this,butinthemomentofwriting thecharacter,yousay,Igetit.Igetwhyyou wouldwanttoshieldyourkidfromthisatrocity butthatcausesanevenbiggertraumaforthekid.

ThebrotherbondinBecoming a Queenisso beautiful.Ilovethathe’sveryaffirminginhis newunderstandingofMark’ssexualityandin tryingtohelpMarkfigureouthowtocorrect hisdatingfaux-pasandwooasuitor.

There’sthisfunnymemeonline:Carry yourself with the confidence of a mediocre straight white man. CanItrytogivehimthatconfidencetothepoint oftryingtoskippastsomeoftheseyearsof shamethis?WhatdoIwishIwouldhavebeen tellingmyselfatthatage?This doesn’t have to be that hard. You’re awesome.It’sdefinitelymyfavorite relationshipinthebook.

Themomentthatcausedthemostanxiety waswhentheyhavethemakeupdance outsideandMarksaid,I can’t do this Iwasso gladthatsceneisshort.Ican’ttakethis!They reallyjustbreakupandthisisitfortoomany pages?

Bynow,asawriter,youknow,I’vereadit18,000 timesandIsay,I’m going to be able to get through this chapter without crying. Butitdidn’thappen. Icriedsomuchreadingthisbook.

Ireallywantedtocapturethekindness whenhe goesto can’tbeCVSbecausetheydon’tsell cigarettes.

Walgreens.

Yes.[Laughs]Thegeographyisthesameasthe townIgrewupin.Ican’tmakeupatown.I’m learningtoomuch.WhenIwasakid,CVSsold cigarettes!ButIwantedtoshowhowbeautiful someone’sspiritcanbeandhowgenerousjust gettingalight,thosehumanconnections.

Thattensionwiththestoriesofthebrotherhe wantstoholdthatstillinvolvealcohol.

Anyonewho’sgonethroughanydifficultthing, youalwayswanttobefixedbeforeyou’refixed. Youalwaysthinkyoushouldbefixedbefore you’refixed.Youfeelridiculousthatyearsand yearsafteryou’restillholdingontothings.Of courseyouare!ThemainthingIwantedtodo withthebookwasbeinit.Whatkindofbookdo youwanttowrite?Therearesomanywhere somethingawfulhappens.Nowwe’reinpart2 threeyearslaterandwe’restilldealingwithit.I wantedtogointotheawfulnessofit.Howdowe getoutofthis?Wedoitwithdresses.[Laughs]I knewI’dfoundtherightagentwhentherewere certainparts,eventhemostsoul-crushingparts, themostthis is too muchparts—hewaslike,this should be longer.I’vegottherightperson. Throughoutyourwritingjourneyyou’llmeet peoplewhowanttoampuptheromanceside, movethisforward,etc.Butitwasreallyimportant formethatthecataclysmiceventisalmost pathologicallyimportantbutalsothatitbeexactly inthemiddle.I’maprettydirectedpersonand thensomethingjusthappens,anditjustblowsup.

Ihaveafewmorefunquestions.

OhIloveit!Thisissorewardingforme.

Doyouhaveafavoritedesigner?

Ohgreatquestion.DoI?ProbablyCommedes Garcon.

Theydosuchwildstuff.

Wildstuff.Mypersonalstylelooksexpectedand thenyougetupcloseandit’satwist?And Commedoesatonofstufflikethat.Ohit’sa blazer—wait,it’saskirt?Theyplaywithformand Ihavesomuchfuninmyownlifewithclothes andjustexperimentingandexpressing.

Favorite—thisismoreaCarrieDragshaw question—cosmeticproduct?

Myoveralltakeawayisitisinsanelyexpensiveto beapersonwhoregularlywearsmakeup.Igotby atthestartwiththegenerosityoffriends.Thefirst nightIdidmymakeuponeofmygirlfriendsdid itandshesaid,oh take this, take this, take this,and sentmehomewithatonofproducts.Whenthose ranout,IwenttoSephoraandgotfoundationor something.Ilookedatthepriceandwaslike, Pardon me? I’mgladIamimpersonatingawoman ofthefreshface.[SarahJessicaParker]obviously wearsmakeupbutit’srelativelysimplebecauseI don’tthinkIwouldeverhavetheskillstocontour. Mythoughtsonmakeuparelessaboutfavorite brandsandmorejustrespectforhowpeopledoit. ThetipsIgotfromdragqueensI’vemetalongthe wayhavebeenreallyhelpful.Butmineispretty lazy.

Whatisthemostlife-savingtipadragqueen hasgivenyou?

IwasatapartywithMilkandIwasreallyselfconsciousaboutsomething.Iwasn’tevenindrag. Iwasjustarticulatinginsecuritiesforreasons

nobodyreallyknows.IsaidthatIwasn’tvery goodatmakeupandIwasn’twearingnailsand you’renotreallyadragqueenunlessyouwear nails.Shesaidtomeit’s what you want it to be. Yourdragisyourdrag.Ifnailsaren’tpartofit, thentheyaren’t.ThemomentthatIlightupisso simple:anytimeIputonblush,Ithink, now I’m a pretty girl!Iloveitsomuch.

Ilovethat.Ipersonallythinkthatoneofthe mostpowerfulthingsaboutCarrieDragshaw isthatitdoesn’tfeellikethisover-perfected, produceddrag.Iimaginepartofwhat’smade itsoacceleratinglypopularisthatitfeelslike anyonecoulddoit.Whenyouseedrag queens,firstofall,Icouldn’tdoit,and secondly,theideaofthehoursIwouldhave tospendtodoitjuststressesmeout.

Totally.IamobsessedwithdragqueensandIlove themandworshipthemandtheminimaldrag thatIdo,I’velearnedthatwhateveryou’retipping dragqueensit’snotenough.You’redancingwhile you’retucking.It’stotallyinsane.There’sthis thingtheydoonDragRacesometimeswhere theydoquickdrag.Theyonlyhavetwenty minutes.I’mlikeconstantquickdrag.ThenI’ll spendtenhoursonmyCouldn’t help but wonder thing.SoIthinkweallhavethingswedon’thave patienceforandthingswedohavepatiencefor. Yourdragisyourdrag.IlikethatI’mstillvisible. ItmeanssomethingtomethatI’mstillthere.I’ve alwayswantedittolooklikeaguywho’sjust scroungingthingsinhisapartmentandtryingto embodyhisfavoritecharacter.

Itdoesn’thavetobeastageperformanceor lipsync.Youdon’thavetoknowhowtosass inaqueerbar.

That’ssomethingyoulearnlivinginNew

Yorkoranywhereyouhavepeopleexpressing themselves.Therearetenbajillionwaystobea queen.There’stheconventionalbeautifuldrag queens.There’stheBushwickbeardedqueens. There’sthefashionqueens.There’sjustpeople livingtheirlifenotperformingqueens.Thatgave memoreconfidencetojustbe.Youtrydifferent things.Nowit’sthissteadysourceofjoy.Youget peoplereachingout, help me with this Therewere thingswhereIwasinwhatwasliterallyan unbelievable oh my god I can’t believe I’m in this beautiful piece of clothinganditdidn’tfeelright.Oh no.Meinactualdressisn’tmydrag.Itjustwasn’t itforme.RediditinmyownDIYwaywitha ten-dollarfabricfromWalmartandaflowerI foundfromagarbagecan.I’maflower-in-agarbage-candragqueen.Youfindoutwhatyou actuallyare.

AsDan,what’syourfavoritefittowear?

Outandabout?IwouldsayprobablythisNike RicardTiscicollaborationpieceIown.It’sablack meshpleatedlongskirtandthenIwearthatwith exercisetightsandsomesortofblazerontop.One ofmyfavoritethingswithclothesisthat–Idon’t evenlikemasc/femme–it’salleverything–the conventionalpairing.Amuscleteewithaskirt.I likethatbutchqueentensionsothat’smything. Somethingskirt-esqueonthebottomand somethingmanlyonthetopiswhatIfeelmost inspired.

Iwassendingapictureofyoutomyco-editor andIsaidtoherinatext,this look is so hot to me. Whereyouwearatutuandyourmusclyarms areshowing.

Eveninmyday-to-daylifeit’smydrag.Gayguys arejustaddictedtomasculinityinsomanyways. Weallhavethethingsthatpullustowards

themthatweknowshouldn’t.Oh would that guy walk home with me if I would have been in jeans instead of a skirt? SoItrytodressinawaythat forcesmetobeauthentictomyself.

That’sagreataspectofthenovel,too. Especiallybecausedragisconsideredaccepted withingaycommunity,butthisholdon masculinityforcisgaymeninparticular,you seethatpush.

Wehavesomethingstosortthrough.Wehave someworktodo.

Ilovethatpartinthenovelwherethebrother says,therightpersonisgonnawantmoreof thethingthatyou’reafraidof.

Talkaboutawishfulfillmentsentence.Thatwas somyexperience.It’samazinghowoftenyou havetolearnthesamelessoninlife.WhenIwas 22Ihadthisamazinglysupportiveandloving boyfriend.Thenthingsend,yougobackinthe world,andyoudoitagainandagain.Lifehastwo lessonsyoulearnoverandover.

Ifyouhadallthemoneyintheworldwhat wouldbethefantasylook?

Ican’tgetanymorefantasythantheVersacedress CarriewearsinParis.It’sjustsogood.Ididthis picturewithPatriciaFieldandshewasso unbelievable.Theoutfitsaresuchahugepartofit sotobetalkingtoheraboutitwasincredible.She describedthismomentduringoneoftheverylast episodestheywerefilminghereinNewYork. Shewasstartingonthisothershow.Butitwas oneofthelastshootsforSexandtheCitysoshe wantedtoseeit.Shegotthereandapparently Carriewassittingonthedress.PatriciaFieldwas like,STOP! She needs to be drowning in the dress.

Enveloped by the dress. Soshefluffeditandgaveit thisiconicmomentwithallthoselayers.

Itremindsmeofthemoviewhereshe’strying onalltheweddinggowns.Ilovethemove theywenttointheend,butthosedressesare soamazing!

Iwantedhertohavefiveweddings.WhatI imagineParisHiltonwouldhave.

Onefortheaisle,suddenquickchangeatthe altar.

YES.Thatdressforevermyheart.

Becoming a Queenisavibrantandemotional youngadultnovelfromdebutauthorDanClay aboutaboywhoturnstowardslove,selfexpression,anddragwhentheunthinkable happens.

thecostofhealing erik

fuhrer

Itwaslatespring,2021,andIwaswalkingbackto mycaronTheUniversityofNotreDame’s campusafterteachingmyGenderJusticeandthe Environmentcourse.Iwasnewlyshavedwitha colorfultriadofscarvesaroundmyneckandmy blackandwhiteblazerthatIboughtforits BlancheDevereauxchicness.Iheardaloudgiggle asabikeroadpastme.Ifolloweditstrillwithmy eyesandwatchedthebikestop.Therider straddledthebike,pointeddirectlyatme,and continuedlaughing,loudlyandaffectedly.Itwas clearhewantedmetonotice.Istillrememberthe wayhelooked–white,reddishhairandbeard,no helmet,alooseredt-shirt.Thedurationofhis laughterfeltlong,asifstretchingfromTheBible intomyear.Itwasthetypeofincidentthatwould receiveadismissivetweetinresponsetoitstelling: “picturesoritneverhappened.”Yet,atthat moment,documentationwasthelastthingonmy mind.Ijustwantedtogetthehelloffcampus. Despitetheman’sdistance,whichincreasedasI walkedawayfromhim,myhandstightlypulling myscarvesdown,sotheydidn’tblowinthewind,

soastolookmore“normal,”Ifeltasifhispointer fingerhadsunkenintome.Madeamarkonmy body.

WhenIwasyoung,teacherswouldconstantly playthiscompletelybonkersandpsychedelic LooneyTunesanti-drugPSA.“Thisisyourbrain ondrugs”wasthemainrefrain.InSurviving Sex Trafficking,AngelaWilliamshasbrainscansdone toshowwhatherbrainlookslikeontrauma.

TraumaisabruiseisabraincellisthewayIwill alwaysjumpwheneveranyonewalksintheroom, thewayIalwaysfearIambeingfollowed.The wayIoftenfeellikemybodyisnotmyown duringboththemoonlightandtheeyeofday.It printsitselfonourbodiesbutisnotalways traceableexceptthroughourwitness.Ourvoice. ChristineBlaseyFord’stestimony.Therefrainof ToriAmos’“GoldDust” “Iwashere,Iwashere” beatsbeforereminding“weheldgolddustinour hands.”It’sahaunting.SarahMclaughlin’svoice pianoinginmyhead,“Iwillrememberyou.”I wantedmostpeopleinmylifetoforgetme,to

releaseme.Isometimescouldhardlyremember myself.

IconfidedtoafamilymemberoncethatIwas rapedwhenyounger,andsheaskedforproof. Eventhoughithadbeen24.25.26.27yearsago. Allthoseyearsdarklybutterflywithtruth.My bodyistheproof.Icarrythesameskinaround withme.Andthattooisahaunting.ButIamin controlofmyghostsnow. I am here. I am here.

AttheUniversityofNotreDame,IoftenfeltlikeI hadtohidethewildsofmyself.Talkofsocial normsthatwere“necessaryforthefunctioningof society”cameupoftenatTheUniversity,mostly withconservativewhitemenwhocouldn'tseem tounderstandthattheir“naturallaws”didn'tallow formyexistence,orthatofmanyothers.Iwas toldoncebyafellowPh.D.studentoncampus thathewishedheandIcouldbehavinga beautifulconversationbutthathecouldn'tdoso withme,orwithmostpeoplealignedwith contemporarysocialmovementssuchasBlack LivesMatters,becausewewereallunintelligible.I bethehadepicdialogueswithhisreflectioninthe mirror.Hecouldonlyreallyhaveconversations withhisownseeminglygorgeoustongue.I’lltake araincheckonthat,please.I’llgetmytongue elsewhere,thankyou.

IttookuntilItaughtthatgenderstudiesclassat

TheUniversityformetofinallyfeelcomfortable comingoutasnon-binary.Ididn’tusemy pronounsyetwithstudents,butIstartedtouse themprivately,withfamilyandfriends.This incidentwiththebicyclistwasfurtherprooftome thatIwasnotintherightplace.ThatIwould foreverfeelmarkedthere.SoinAugust2021,I proposedamovetoLosAngelestomypartner, Kim.Sheagreed,andbyOctober,2021,our housewassold,andwewereinLA.InLA,Ifeel

muchmorecomfortablewearingwhatmakesme feelbeautiful.Iboughtmyfirstpurseshere.Have wornmostlypink.

OnMay1st,2022,Isatoutdoorsatthe

BrentwoodBlueBottleinLosAngeleswearing oversized,bedazzled,redsunglasses,acolorful unicornshirt,acolorfulnecktiescarf,andsome rings.Iwasaimlesslytappingmymulti-jeweled costumeringagainstthetableasItypedouta poemwhenIheardawomanask,“Doyouknow it’sWesAnderson’sbirthdaytoday?”Ilookedup, smiled,andshookmyhead,“no.Butthat’scool.I lovehim.”WheneverpeoplementionWes Anderson,Iamalwayspainfullyawareofthefact thatI’veneverseenRushmore,andtheshamewas inevitablysettinginwhenitwasinterruptedbyan unbridledjoythatfollowedthewoman’snext sentence:“It’sfittingbecauseyoulooklikeyou havesteppedoutofoneofhisfilms.”Itwasquite possiblythemostaccuratethingsomethinghas

eversaidtome.Iimaginedmyselfasan amalgamationofGwenythPaltrow’sMargot TennenbaumandJeffGoldblum’sAlisdair Hennessy–furcoat,pinkscarf,everythingasize toobig.Acartooninhumanskin,thereverseof thoseDisneyInstagramfilters.Isn’teveryJason SchwartzmancharacterinaWesAndersonfilm justabeautifulPinocchioallgrownup?Areal boy?

“Mydaughterwouldlovethewayyou'redressed. CanIintroduceyou?”thewomanoffered.Iwas stunned.Someonewouldliketomeetme?Ihave fans!Ok,soshewas4 butthatstillcounts! Thewomanbroughtherdaughterover.She pointedouttheunicornsonmyshirt,thepinksin myoutfit,myrings.Herdaughterdidn’tlovemy unicornshirtasmuchasmyring,whichIgave herpermissiontotouch.IfeltseeninawayI hadn’tbeforethatday.

Hypothetical:

“Whatlineareyouwearing?”

“ThepossiblefuturewardrobeofaWesAnderson filmthatwillneverbemade.”

Whichistosay,WesAnderson,callme.Callme onmyunicornphone;itgetsthebestreception. I’llbewearingawoolknitcapinthedeadofthe LosAngelessummer.

Whichistosay,Iamhere,andthisbodyis startingtobelongtome.

Weekslater,mypartnerandIwereonRodeo Drive.IwasdressedinanItalianrainbowcookie colorscheme,withmostlypinktowardthe bottom.Myshirtwasabutton-downwithwidget shapes,butmoreretro,pre-computeragein composition.IliketopretendIampartof GenerationXoften,thoughImisseditbyfive years,andIdressaccordingly.“Inmyday…”I’ll saytoa25-year-old.It’spretentious,yes,butmy outfitwasn’t.IfacupcakewenttoaNintendo Party,itmighthavetakenmylead.

WeenteredAlexanderMcQueenandwere greetedbyawomanwhotoldmeshewouldbe helpingmeduringmyvisit.

Amanthenwalkeddirectlytomefromtheback ofthestore,expressedhowmuchhelovedmy outfit,“sofun,”andclarifiedthattheybothwould behelpingme.Ifeltdotedupon.Dispersed betweentheirintroductionstotheirdesigns,we chattedabouttheshowEerieIndiana,andwhat originallybroughtKimandmefromNewYork toIndiana.“Indiana?You?Youmadetheright choicecomingtoLAforsure.”Inodded.I certainlyfeltlesssafedressingthiswayinIndiana, especiallyonTheUniversityofNotreDame’s campus.Ontheseventhday,Godcreatedman andwoman,butnotme.

Ifinallygravitatedtowardalongtrenchcoatwith agraffitimotifandheardoneoftheattendants moan,“yesssss.”TheyinsistedItryiton.Iknew thatIwasbeingreeledintoasalebutfeltbeautiful astheyheldthecoatopenformetoslipmyarms inanddrapeditontomyshoulders.“Yeah,you lookamazing!Heredon’ttiethebelt,dothis instead,”theattendantgentlyinstructedashe loopedthebeltbehindme,leavingthecoatto expandaroundme.“Thiscoatwasmadeforyou,” theotherattendantexclaimedassheclaspedher handstogetherinlovingapproval.Inormally wouldhaverolledmyeyes,thinkingshewasonly sayingthistocloseasale,but,instead,Ismiledat herandnodded,“itis.It’sbeautiful.”Shewanted thesale,I’msure,butIbelieveshealsowas truthful.Drapeanoversizedpinkscarfonmeand signmeupfortheRushmoresequel.GetJeff Goldblumonlineone.

WalkingintoAlexanderMcQueenmademefeel, well,likeaqueen.Ipausewritingthatterm becauseIknowtherearegender-neutral alternatives.Myparticularfavoriteis“thesparkof life.”Youcan’tstartafirewithoutme;justaskThe Boss.Afterall,Ididfeellikeathousandlighters hadjustclickedandflickedwhenIslipped

thatcoatonmyshoulders.ButIdidn’tfeellikea flame.Ifeltlikeagoddess.See,sometimesIfeel likeawoman.Andsometimes,Ifeellikethe universeisgalaxyingthroughme.SometimesI wanttofilloutajobapplicationandcheckallthe boxes.SometimesIjustwanttoleaveeverything blankbutthatambiguous“other”box.Sometimes Iwanttowritein,“cigarette,dragme,baby,” becauseIwanttogodancingintothefucking darkwithcindersatmyheels.Andthatcoat.

WhenafriendofmineaskedifIwouldhave boughtthatcoatifIhadthemoney,Ididn’t hesitate:“yes.”Hegavemeashockedlook:“Erik, itwas$4,000!”Whatisthepricetagonjoy? Surely,joycanbeexperiencedformuchless money,evenfree.Ihaveknownthattypeofjoy, butthiswasalsoajoy.AndIwantedittolast.

Onthedayofthe2022MetGala,socialmedia wasabuzzwithcriticismofthosecelebrating fashionthateveninginlightoftheshockingnews thatRoevs.Wadewasontheprecipiceofbeing overturned.Irecognizethedeepsadnessandfear thatpeoplewerefeelingthatdayandeveryday sinceandunderstandthatmybodywillnotbe directlyaffectedbythisparticularpolitical decision.Idonothaveabodycapableof pregnancy,butIdohaveabodycapableofgrief. AndIdon'tmeanthatflippantly.Idonotmeanto devalueordampenthissuffering.Inaworldthat alsoseekstosnuffmyidentityandthebodiesand identitiesofthosewhodon’tconformtobinaries andnorms,Iempathizewitheveryonewhose rightstotheirbodiesaretakenfromthem.We mustfight,andwemustfightfiercely.

Idon’trememberwhatIdidthatdayoftheMet Gala.Ofthenewsofthesupremecourt’spending decision.Ofthenewsoftheactualdecision.ButI hopeIwasexperiencingsometypeofjoy.Grief

candisappearus.Iknowthatfirst-hand.It’simportanttomakespaceforgrieving.Long-termgrieving. Tobakeitintoourselves.Likeacake.IlearnedthatfromJoanDidion.Butifweforgetthecandles,we burnout.Whatistheworldwithoutfire?Withoutglitter?Withoutthestarsofus?

Wearehere.Wearehere.Andwewillneverstopfuckingshining.

Mybodyhasbeenanother’sbreadwithoutmypermission.Hasbeenbroken.SometimesIwalkaround inasecondskin.Borrowedskin.ButthatgetsbetterasIgoon.Andputtingthatcoatonmademefeel amazing.

Tellme,whatisthepricetagon healing?

IfirsttrulyexploredParisaboutayearbeforeI movedherefromAmericaforaMaster’s.Iwas twenty-oneandaFrenchmajorhopingtolearn moreaboutParisasacityIwasstayingatafamily friend’sapartmentonÎleSt-Louis,oneofthetwo tinyislandsintheontheSeine.Therewerenot manyyoungadultsinthatmilieu;mostpeople weregray-hairedandput-together.

Therewas,however,ahighschoolaroundthe corner.Everydayaroundnoon,teenagerswould streamoutoftheimposingstoneedifice,clustered incliquesofthreeorso,lookingforfoodor cigarettes.Iwasembarrassedbyhowmuchthey intimidatedme.Iwouldbestandingina bookstoreoracaféandsuddenlyachildwouldbe atmyelbow,almosttoapersonincrediblythin andwearingdesignert-shirts,colorfulwool sweaters,shoesthatranthegamutfromloafersto high-heels.Thestudentsthemselveswerealmost alwayswhite,visiblybourgeoisand cisheterosexualinawaythatonlythe cisheterosexualbourgeoisiecanbe.Itwasherethat

Ifirstbegantoseriouslyconsiderfashionand identity,butparticularlyfashionasaconstitutive elementofnon-cisheterosexuality.

IhadneverreallythoughtaboutwhatIwore.I wasneverinterestedinclothing;or,rather,the clothingIwore,andthecodesthatcamealong withit,wereneverinterestingtome.Theywere notplayful,fun,expressiveofmyselforofwhatI wantedInallfairness,“fashion”assuchcannot expressanyindividual’sdesires.Fashionisalreadya societalrelationship.

Fashionisnotjust“thefashionworld.”Itisnot justXnumberofcompanies,magazines,etc.Itisa networkofsignsthatderivemeaningfromtheir context,whichinturnrepresentstheeverchangingrelationshipsbetweenclasses,races, sexes.…Itcreatesitsownformalgrammar.Andas withspeech,slippagesinhowwearticulate sexualityinfashionrevealthebonesofthebroader framework:capitalismandtheoppressionsthat nourishit.

youdresshowtheytellyoutodressuntil youdon’t:queertasteandcishetfashion marcschorin

Fashionchoicesoftheoppressorsdomorethan showoffacertainstatus.Ithelpscreatethat stratificationinthefirstplace.Indeed,theFrench wordforfashion,la mode,literallymeans“the way,”asin,thewayinwhichthingsshouldbe, mustbe,oraredone.FrenchwriterMonique WittigmadeasimilarpointabouttheEnglish word“straight”:itimpliesthatheterosexualityis themode fromwhichonemightdeviate.Fashion, then,asawholereferstoarulingclass’staste.

Granted,tasteisdevelopedinlinewithwhatever materialsareavailable atonepoint,sugarand cacaowere“fashionable,”inthesensethatthey wereonlyavailabletothecolonizingaristocracies; thentheywere“fashionable”inthesensethatthey weredesirablecommoditiesthathadbeenmade morewidelyavailable.

Conversely,onecouldunderstandoppressed people’stastesasmakingthebestofabad situation.Takemodern-daythrifting,forexample. ThefewstudiesavailableindicatethatLGBT peopleinFrancearesignificantlylesslikelytofind andholdjobsthantheircishetcounterparts. Assumedly,thiswouldleadtothesamekindof disproportionatelevelsofpovertyinParisthat oppressAmericanqueerpeople.Inotherwords, althoughthriftingmayhavebecomeafad,itis alsothecheapestwayforqueerpeople,especially youth,todressthemselves.Whichmeansbeing veryunlikelytofindanoutfitthatisnotcobbled togetherfrommanydifferentitems,times,and places.Thatsaid,tosimplyequatefashionwith economicswouldbetoelidethechoicesthat peoplemake,thedeviancetheymightchooseto insistupon.

Inotherwords,whatisinterestingabouttasteis notmerelythatitreliesuponaccesstomaterials, butthatthatthereshouldbeanintentionality

behindwhatwouldotherwisebeamatterof necessity.Fashionisthecodificationofthat relationshipbetweennecessityandchoice:itinsists upontasteasthemode.

Fashioncompaniesarenotunawareoftheclass tensionsunderlyingitsmeaning-making a mainstayofadvertisingstrategiesistoemphasize thatXYZproductwillallowsomeonetoexpress themselves,becomemorethemselves,todefy homogenizationandgroup-think.Theironyis thatthiscapitalisticself-helpjargononlyservesto monetizepeople’sthirstforsomethingtohold onto,anidentityorasourceofmeaning,asearch generatedbycapitalismitself.

Inmyownlife,itwasonlywhenIstopped thinkingoffashionasaneutral,acoveringofone’s selfingrayslab,thatclothesbecameliterally

meaningful.Ofcourse,Ididnot“findmyself.”I wouldratherdie.ButIwasabletorethinkmy bodyandwhatitworeastoolswithinmycontrol, thingsthatbelongedtomeandwereavailableto measmyown.Itwasnotownershippersethat excitedme,butspecificallyownershipofmyown body,ofsomethingnotcisheterosexual.Dressing, piercing,bejeweling,tattooing,painting,molding werealloperationsInowwantedtothinkabout asIreworkedmyself.ItdidnotmatterifwhatI chosehadanyobviousconnectiontoqueer symbolisms.WhatmatteredwasthatIchose them:abattattooonmyupperleftarm,ablack blousegiftedtomebyafriend,chainsandaskull ringIfoundinathriftstore,andsoon.

AccordingtothedefinitionsI’veemployed,it wouldbeimpossiblefortheoppressedtohave theirownfashion.Furthermore,itbecomes

increasinglyimportanttodistinguishbetween oppression,theoppressed,andanygiven individual.Becausenotallqueerpeopleare discriminatedagainstequally,notallqueerpeople havefacedanyinstancesofoppression,andnotall queerpeopleareyourfriend.PeteButtigieg wouldbecaseinpoint.

However,asagroup,peoplewhodonotconform tocisheterosexualityareindisputablydiscriminated against.Phrasedinnon-individualistic—in systemic terms,cisheterosexualityoppressesthose itdoesnotunderstand,thoseitcannotaccountfor. Thisforcesusintoanotherotherwiselooselydefined,heavily-intersectedgroupofnon-cishets. Wedonot cannot respondwithourown fashion,becausewedonotholdpower;contrary tothemostfashionableconspiracytheories,there isnoqueerpower-structuresecretlypullingthe strings.Thatsaid,wecan,consciouslyornot,offer acounter-systemoftaste.

Forinstance:arepiercingsfashionable?That depends.Becausewhereearringsformostwomen areanon-issue,nose-ringsonanybodycan signifyanythingfrompunknostalgiatoqueerness to,simply,youth.Andyet,ifIwereinabar,orifI feltthreatenedonthesubway,Iwouldwantto standneartheyoungpeoplewithnose-rings ratherthanthewhiteladieswithpearledearlobes.

Impliedaboveisthattastethatgetsbroadly assimilatedbyqueercommunitiesisasurvival mechanism,awaytoidentifyoneanotherand providesafetyinnumbers—orelsemakeitclear whotoflirtwithwithoutfearofaviolent response.Again,thisistrue,andstillneedstobe consideredinrelationtothespecificchoicesthat aremade:whynoserings,forexample?Why mullets,orshavedheads,orbobs allmeaning differentthingsalongsidedifferentbodiesand

presentations?Whymightsomefashionchoices beconsideredstraightinonecontextandqueerin another?

HereIcanonlybrieflyproposethisparticular jumping-offpoint theformalstructurationof “fashion”vs.“taste” foranyactualresearchinto thosechoices.Myhopeisthatitwillhelpusbe morehonestwithourselvesandeachother admit thatwearelessofa“community”thanmany wouldliketothink,thatwedonotholdpower andyetshouldnotseektoingratiateourselves withcisheterosexuality,andthattherewillbeno securityforourlivessolongascisheterosexuality anditscodependentoppressionsexist.

Thephotosbelowweretakenafewmonthsago byafriend,VicKrass.Theideawastostockupon “authorphotos”asmypoetryhasbeguntobe publishedandIhatemostpicturesofmyself. However,theyalsodemonstratethekindsof thingsIliketowear.Obviously,theyretaina relationshipwithprevailingfashiondictates,as wellaswiththemoreclichédresponsesonour part.Allthesame,evenwiththesuperficialityand thecommodificationofmyself,theydo demonstratehowIchoosetodress.

SageLally(SL):BodyPoliticisaQueerownedhairhaventhatcombineselementsof abarbershopandahairsalon,creatingaless genderedhaircareexperienceforall.Whyis holdingasafespaceimportantforyouasa hairstylist?

RaeThweatt(RT):I’dliketostartbysayingthatI thinkofBodyPoliticHairStudiosnotasa“safe space”butasa“saferspace”

Itisimpossibleforsomeonetoclaimaspacetobe 100%safesincenoonecancontroltheoutside worldorthosewholiveinit.Now,whatwehave cultivatedisanopen-mindedcultureofkindness, creativity,andprideinwhoweareasunique individuals.Wecelebrateourguestsandarehere tohelpguidethemontheirhairjourney,withno judgmentorstigma,onlyloveandsupport.This alsoappliestoourworkplaceenvironmentand engagementwithoneanothereveryday.

Youoftentellmeyoubelievehairhasno

gender.Howdoyoupracticethisbeliefin yourworkwithclients?

Yes!ThisisaphraseIfirstsawusedby“TheDress CodeProject”yearsagoanditsosimplystatesthe truth.Genderedhairservicesareathingofthe past.Thereisnosuchthingasamen’sorwomen’s haircutbecauseanyandeverybodycanweartheir hairhowevertheywant.

Thisisimplementedinmyservicebypricing accordingtothelengthofthehairandthe amountoftimeneeded.Iapproacheachheadof hairasitlivesandsimplyaddresstheneedsthatthe hairandscalpmaypresent.

Howhaveyouhandledthechallengesinthe serviceindustryoverthepastfewyears?Have youexperiencedanypushbackfromthe greatercommunityaboutyourbusiness?

ThankfullyIhavehadthesupportofanamazing clientele.

bodypolitichairstudiosfounderrae thweattoffersa“saferspace”

interviewedbysagelally

Withouttheirencouragementandunwavering trustthiscouldn’thavebeenmadepossible.If therehasbeenpushbackfromthegreater communityaboutmybusiness,Iwouldn’tknow. IfullybelieveinwhatI’vecreatedandtheneedfor itinourcity,ifsomeonehadsomethingtosayI’d beopentotheconversationbutwouldn’twaiver inwhereIstandorwhatIbelieve.

IopenedBodyPoliticHairStudios,inJuneof 2020.

IntheheightofthepandemicaswellastheBLM socialandpoliticaluproarheardaroundtheworld. Mystudiolocationwasjusttwoblocksawayfrom theMarcusDavidPetersCircle(LeeMonument) inRichmond,VA.

Itfeltcriticaltogivetothecommunityinanyway Icould,morethaniteverhadbefore. Whilethepandemicrestrictionspreventedmy hairbusinessfromopening,supportandlove lookedlikeputtingcasesofbottledwateroutfront ofthestudiodoorsandofferingbathroomsand ACtoanyonewhoneededit.

IknewIwascreatingaspaceforpeopletofeel saferandcaredforinavulnerablestate,Inever wouldhaveimaginedittobegininthiswaybut damnhowspotonitwaswiththemissionIhad beenmanifestingformonthsandmonthsprior.

Thechallengeswillalwayscomeandgo.Ithink thebiggestlessonI’velearnedinbeingabusiness owneristorelinquishtheillusionthatIhave controloveranyofitandsurrendertothe moment.Noonecanpredictwhathappensnext, soIjuststrivetocreatebeautyineverymoment I’mgiven.

Whatisyourfavoritehairstyletodoright now?Howhasitchangedthroughoutthe years?

I’dsaymyfavoritestyletodorightnowwouldbe anythingthatfeelseffortlessandlived-in.Hairthat ishandstyledandairdriedandcelebratingour uniquenaturaltextureratherthanusinghottools.

Givemehairthatleansintoitsnaturalstateof being,shortorlong!

Thishaschangedfromthebeginningofmyhair careerin2009,whenheatstylingwasreallyin(I grewupintheeraoftheflatiron…wecouldn’t helpourselves…)

Razorcuttinghasremainedaconstanttoolof choice.

Whatgotyouinterestedinbeingahairstylist? Howlonghaveyoubeencuttinghair?

Ihavealwayshadaloveforhair,eversinceIcan remember.AsalittlekidIwouldaskmymomto puteverybarrettIownedintomyhairorputsoft curlersinmybabysitter’shair.Allofmyfriendsin the9thgradegotnewbangsinthelockerroom viaapairofofficescissorstakenfromthegym coach’sdesk.SometimesIjokethatIhadtogoto hairschooltoredeemmyselffromthose embarrassingdays(sorryfriends!)IattendedRudy andKellyHairAcademyinVAbeachdirectly aftergraduatinghighschoolin2009andhave beenintheindustrysince.

Ifyoucouldtellusonepieceofadviceonhow totakebettercareofourhair,whatwouldit be?

Findabarberorstylistyouconnectwithand makeaplantogetherforthebestcareroutinefor YOU.Wearealluniqueandit’simpossibletosay ifonethingworksformethenitmustworkfor everyone.

What’sinstoreforthefutureofBodyPolitic?

BodyPolitichasjustexpandedandevolvedintoa newlargerlocation!Wearenowinthehistoric JacksonWardneighborhoodandare

alongRichmond’sArtDistrictArtWalk.Ihave sinceaddedafewmorechairsfornewstylistsand barberstojointheteamandtobeabletocarefor moreoftheRichmondLGBTQIA+community. I’mhopingtobeabletoparticipateinFirstFridays thisspringandsummerandhavesomeexciting socialeventsintheworks(thinkqueerdance parties,fundraisersandpopupmarketsyeah!) Mostlyjustreallylookingforwardtohavingthe spacetoconnectwithmorepeopleandhostsome feel-goodgatheringsoutsideofourusualhair days.

whattowearwhenteachingqueer elizabethwenger illustrationsbybethanylabit

Ames,IAisadecidedlyun-queertown surroundedonallsidesbyfieldsmostlyplanted withitssignaturecrop:corn.WhenIfirstmoved heretostartagraduateprogramandteach,Iwas hitbyasuddenwaveofcreativeoppression.Itwas asifthemonoculture,whichhasturnedsomuch ofthestateintonearlyidenticalacresofcorn stalks,hadhomogenizedthecultureaswellasthe land.Classicallyaswingstate,Iowahasmoved furtherrightinthepastyearsfollowingthewave ofconservatismthathassimilarlysweptthe country.Withconservatismandruralismcomesa certaincommitmenttostandardizationofidentity, dress,andbehaviorinthepublicsphere.Thegoal ofdressinghereisnotto‘pullalook,’butratherto conformasmuchaspossibletoanunspoken, preset,uniform.

Onmyfirstdayofclass,IknewthatwhenI enteredaroomfulloffreshmenfromlargely midwesternsuburbanorruraltowns,myflagrant queernessandmasculineappearancewouldin itselfbesomethingofateachingmoment.My

anxietyaboutthefirstdaymanifesteditselfina recurringnightmarishfantasyinwhich,uponmy entranceintotheclassroom,astudentmuttered theword‘dyke’underhis foritalwayswasa ‘he’—breath.

Nosuchthinghappenedonthefirstdayofclass whenIsteppedintotheroomwearingafloral poloandstainedCarharttjeans,thoughIcouldsee myhandsshakingastheprintedsyllabusvibrated inmynervousgrasp.Whoknew18-year-olds couldbesoterrifying?Alas,thestudentssaid nothingofmyhome-bleachedhairormydirtybrownsteel-toedboots.Infact,itwasamiracle thatIcouldgetthemtosomuchastellmewhere theywerefrom.

Itisatiredtruismthatasateacher,Ilearnfrommy kidsasmuchastheylearnfromme.Thereis another,morecomplexsidetothisoldteaching aphorism:Ibegintoseemyselfthroughmy students’eyes.Andthisseeingofmyselfthrough othersisinflectedbymyownviewsofmyself.

Whatdoesitmeantoseeoneselfthrough another’seyes,whenallwepossessisourown stiltedsightandourowninsecurities?

Teaching,whendoneright,isnothierarchical, butratherareciprocal-relationalact.Itisan exchangeofprojections.Iunderstandthatmy fearsofmystudentshavelesstodowiththemas peopleandmoretodowithmyegocentric anxietiesofbeingbutchinagender-normative state.

Inmyideationoftheirvisionofme,Iamthe butchcaricaturemyinternalizedhomophobiahas alwaysmademefearI’dbecome slouching,selfdoubting,absentofcharmandappeal,existingon themarginsofsocietyorinthedark,smokey cornersofdivebars.

Thoughnostudenthasdirectlyquestionedmy genderorsexuality,myimpostersyndromeasa youngteacherwastestedonedaywhenIgavemy studentsflashcardsonwhichtowriteanonymous

feedback.

“Beforeyouleavetoday,writeonethingthatis goingwellintheclass,onethingyoudon’t understand,oronequestionyouhave,”Isaidto thestudentswhowerealreadypackingtheir backpacksinarushtogetoutoftheclassroom. “Youdon’thavetowriteyournameonthem.”

Aftertheyallleft,Ilookedthroughthestackof unsignedcardsandreadthroughthem.They weremostlyafter-thoughtsaboutclassgoingwell, orquestionsaboutassignmentduedates.Buton onecard,writteninthefaintestpencil,wasan observationthatIrealizedIhadquietlyfearedand expectedallalong:

Ileftclasswonderingwhosehandwritingitwas, wishingIwasagraphologistandcouldascertain theidentityofmycriticmerelybytheslantofthe letters.Wasitoneofthetwosororitysisterswho enterandleaveclasstogetherasifjoinedatthe hip?Oroneoftheboyswhoalwaysworehuge crossesdanglingfromtheirnecks?Wasitthe agriculturalengineeringstudentwithlonglegshe hasn’tyetgrownintolikethepawsofaGreat Danepuppy?

Butthiswasanonymous,justasIwishedittobe.I wouldneverknowwhowrotethatobservation onthenotecard.ButIwantedtoknowwho.I thoughtthatifIknewwhoitwas,Imightbetter discerntheirmeaning mightbeabletoread betweenthelinesofthenotetoeithermysecret fear(angry,homophobicstudents,takingnoteof myeverymistake)ormysecrethope(thatImight beinspiringastudenttodressandexistasthey

You always wear interesting nonteacheresque outfits. Not a bad thing at all, but I’ve never had a teacher like it.

trulywished).

Iputtheunsignednoteinadrawerinmyoffice. ItbroughtupinmetoomanyquestionsthatI couldnotanswer.It’shardtoletgoofunanswered questions. *

Thiscardwasinactualitybutablipinonelong semesterthatconsistedlessofexistentialcrisesand moreofthehumdrumhabitsofaclassroom.Each classperiod,threetimesaweek,mystudentsenter theroomandsitfor50minuteshalf-listeningwith theirlaptopsopenasIlecturethemonhowto communicate.Wereadthescriptofthe classroom:them,playingthehesitant-but-willing learnersandme,thepartofenthusiasticinstructor.

Anditisastageplay.Steppingintotheroleof teachingalsomeanssteppingintotheroleof performer,ofobject,ofspectacle.Standingunder thefluorescentinstitutionallights,itisdifficultfor metomovepastthefeelingofbeing‘on-stage’as atransmasclecturer.Beingbutchintheworldis hardenoughwithout46youngeyestrainedon you.Toaddtoallthis,professionalismhasnever beenmystrongsuit.Beforereturningto academia,Iworkedforatimeatafoodpantry, thendoingconservationwork,andfinally construction aseriesofjobsthattailoredmydress toincreasinglylessformalwear.Imovedfrom whitet-shirtsandjeans,toadirt-coveredCarhartt-sponsored-assemblage,tosweat-stained hole-riddenshirtsandpantspatternedwith industrialglueanddrywallmud.

Unlikemanyofmywell-groomed,cleancardigannedcolleagues,Ientertheclassroom lookinglikeapunk-rock,sheet-rocker;thisisthe aestheticthatbestagreeswithmyanti-

authoritariantemperament.Myshort,butshaggy, bleach-blondehair;mybaggy,stained,carpenter’s pants;myflannelsandgraphic-t-shirts;andmy dinged-upworkboots allofthisunderminesthe normativeimageIhaveofwhatateachershould be:aplain-lookingwomaninamodestdressand flats,oramiddle-agedmanwithabuttonup tuckedintoslacks.

Beingdifferentisinsomeways,exactlyasIlikeit. Iamrebelliousbynature,akidwhobrokerules justbecauseIdisagreedwiththeprincipleofthem. Atthesametime,Iamterriblyawareofsocial normsandthepotentialdangersofbreakingthem. Thesetwoversionsofmyself therevolutionary, idealisticqueerandtheparanoidcloset-case clash whenitcomestooccupyingthespaceofthe classroom.

Beforethegazeofsomanystill-developing minds,Iamawareofmyselfasaqueerteachertoa groupofmostlystraight,cisstudents.A juxtapositionarisesbetweenmybutch accoutrementsandtheirgender-normative

collegeweareachdaywhentheyshufflein dressedinoversizedt-shirts,sororitysweaters,and athleticshorts.

Throughallthis,I’vebeguntoviewthe presentationofmybodyandtheclothesIdressit inasaliterarytextorartifactthatcanbeanalyzed muchinthewaymystudentsanalyze advertisements,shortstories,andpoems.Isaythis intherhetoricalsenseofthewords: nouns.ˈär-ti-ˌfakt + ‘tekst

1.

2.

agroupofsymbolsthatismeaningfultoa culture

athingcreatedbyhumanswhichgives informationaboutthecultureofitscreator andusers

Itisnotuncommontoviewfashion,and especiallyfashionandthebody,asrhetorical artifacts.Theoverlapofthebodyandtextisclear eveninthelanguageweusetotalkaboutwriting. Consider:theessayisconstructedby‘body’ paragraphs,‘footnotes,’and‘headers.’Andwriting, whendonewell,hasmuchincommonwithgood fashion:ithastexture,color,movement,and meaning.Togetherthebodyandclothingforma webofsymbolsandsignals.

Ithinkoften,too,oftheconnectionbetweenthe wordsgenderandgenre,andhowthetwoterms canfeelconfiningandrestrictive.Gendersays, “Thisiswhatitmeanstobeawoman.”Genre says,“Thisiswhatitmeanstowriteanessay.”And yetbothgenderandgenrecanbebent,expanded, andtailoredtotheindividual.

FrenchtheoristandessayistRolandBarthesargues inhisbooksTheFashionSystemandThe LanguageofFashionthatfashionisinmanyways awrittenthing,afountainofsymbols,a

transmitterofculture,power,andsubversion.In thehistoryofqueerfashion,clothinghasoften beenusedtosendsubtleorovertmessages.Itisa waytomarkoneselfasbelongingtothequeer community;tocommunicatedesire(likeinthe caseofthehandkerchiefcode);ortoexpress gender.

WhenIteachrhetoricalanalysis,Iaskmystudents toidentifytheaudience,author,purpose,and contextofarhetoricalartifact.Inthismanner,I begintothinkofmyselfasanauthorasIswipe throughclothinginmycloset.Gettingdressedis muchlikewriting.Itisaprocessofselection, editing,andconsiderationofflowbetween components allinordertocommunicatea message.Asinwriting,youmustbeawareof contextandtone:Doesthetoneofthis Unabombert-shirtmatchthecontextofthe campus?Andofpurpose:DotheseBirkenstocks withmyblue,mushroom-printedsocksconvey ‘teacherliness’?Andaudience:Whatwillthe

studentsthinkofmythriftedjeancapthatreads “WAILIN’”?

TheanswerstothesequestionsareonesI’mstill searchingfor.Inreality,theanswersmaybea moreembodiedthing.MyaudienceistheworldI movethrough aworldofacademicadvisers, coworkers,friends,family,students,lovers,and strangersonthesidewalks.ThatwhichIwishto conveyorachievevariesdaily.SometimesIdesire attractiveness,respect,acertainsuavenessI’ve alwaysadmiredinolderbutches,avaguevibeof intelligence,orapunk-rock,fuck-it-allethos.

Ultimatelythequestionoffashionaqueerauthor mustaskisthequestionofsubversionandsafety.It isalineconstantlywalkedbetweenself-hoodand conformity.SomedaysIwishIcoulddress withoutanaudienceandwithoutpurpose wish thatmyfashionwashermeticallyand hermeneuticallysealed.ButIhavetogotowork.I havetogotoclass.Ihavetoleavethecomfortof

myapartment,walkthestreets,andbeperceived.

TheclassperiodafterIreceivedthenotecard,I playeddress-upasateacherlisteningtothequiet people-pleasingimpulsethathadbeennaggingat mymindsinceIreadthenote.

Iworeacollaredshirtpeekingoutofacrewneck sweaterandmyleast-stainedpairofkhakis.Itwas, whatIbelievedtobe,ateacher-esqueoutfit.Ifelt slightlystiffinthepreppyclothing.Itwasthesort ofclean-cutoutfitEllenpopularizedforlesbians whenshemadegaynessapalatablethinginthe early2000s.Itrecalledmyowndaysasafreshman, backwhenIwasstillintheearlystagesoffinding clothingthatdidn’tconfinemeormakemybody feellikeitwasn’tmine.

Itoldfriendafterfriendabouttheunsignednote, hopingtobewitnessedinsomeway.Herewere myfears,confirmed.ButthemoreItalkedabout it,themoreIrealizedthatthoughitsaidoutright thatmyfashionwas‘notabadthing,’Ihadread pastthewordsandintomyownpsyche.Really, myfriendsassuredme,myopenqueernessmight evenbegoodforstudentswhomightbehiding theirownothernessbehindbaggieISUhoodies andbackwardhats.Myqueernessmight emboldenthemtostepintothemselves.

Isoonreturnedtomynormalcycleofoutfits, relaxingintothecomfortofmen’sjeans.The comfortofmyun-teacheresqueness.Beingqueer oftenmeansexistingoutsideofnormalboundaries andspace.WheneverIresistmyownotherness,I endupfeelinglikeafraud.Ifeelmybodylikea PollyPocketinthehandsofthelittlegirlInever was,dressingmetohertasteinplasticized,pink dresses.Inacademicinstitutions,I’vedecidedit

mightbebesttodressjustasIplease,allowingmy simple,queerexistencetostandasachallengeto theinstitutionalstructure.

InTeaching Queer: Radical Possibilites for Writing and Knowing, StaceyWaitewrites,“Queerbodies havecertainlythepotentialforpushingupagainst whatispossible,andthispotentialcancauseusto bedeemedimpossible.Thatisnotnecessarilya problem;infact,itissometimesdesirabletobe impossible,illegible—tobecomeadifficulttext.” Inwriting,asinlife,Ifindthemostliberating practicetobeshirkingprescriptionsand‘pushing upagainstwhatispossible.’Asateacher,Iwantto encouragemystudentstodothesame.Iwantto teachthemhowtobreakthescript,toveerfrom

thepromptstheyaregiven,towritethemselves intoexistence,makeuptheirowndefinitions,and betheirownauthors.Iwanttoteachthemhowto dothisinspiteofwhattheiraudiencesmaywant.

Iwanttoshowthemhowtobeadifficulttext, evenifI’mnotsurewhatthatlookslikeinmy day-to-daylife.I’mchoosingtoaspireto illegibilityand,likeallaspirations,itisaprocess, notaproduct.Itwilltakepracticetocontinuously ownmybody,myclothing,andmyspace.Itwill takeholdingmyselfbackfromeditingthepartsof methatmightbringuneasetomyreaders.Itwill takepersistenceindressingandmovingthrough theworldjustasIwrite:honestly,vulnerably,and withoutfear.

dapperq’s7thannualqueernewyork fashionweekshowinbrooklynmuseum

evelynrude

allphotographsbyevelynrude

Withtheworldslowlynormalizingbacktosocial settingsfromCovid-19,DapperQfinally emergedfromhiatusaftertwoyearsofnofashion shows.

ReturningtotheBrooklynMuseumfortheir seventhannualshow,theenergywasexcitingand livelyonThursdaynight.Therunwaywasplaced inthemiddleofthevastroomwiththeskylight glisteningonit.Guestswereslowlycomingin dressedtothenines.Theanticipationofthereturn ofDapperQwasimmenseThewaitwasover aftertwoyears.

Asthelightsdimmed,thecrowdofover1,000 guestshushed.Openingtheshow,Gayhiphop artistCakesDeKillaleftthecrowdinaweashe struttedtherunwaywithhistwobackupdancers ForthereturnofDapperQ,therewere8 designersincludingprojectrunway’sveryown HesterSunshinewithherlabeldebutHesta.

Theshowwaspackedfullofperformativeart,a cheeringcrowd,andsupportfromallsidesofthe room.With70modelsrepresentingthe8 designers,theshowwasalengthyone.Nonethe less,themodelswerediversefromnonbinary modelstoonlytransgendermodelswalkingfor TransguySupply.Theyoungestmodelbring10 yearsoldwasNoellaMcMaher.

Featureddesigners:

LANDEROSNEWYORK

Devonation

THÚYCustomClothier

Stuzo

FreemenbyMickey

LLESSUR

TransguySupply

HestabyHesterSunshine

abouttheartists

Marc Schorin isaBestoftheNet-nominatedphilosophystudentattheUniversityofParisSt. Denis-Vincennes.InMay2022,theyweregrantedtheEdmundKeeleyLiteraryTranslation AwardfromPrincetonUniversity.Theirworkisavailableorforthcomingat The Adirondack Review, New Note Poetry,and Wrongdoing Magazine,amongothers.Theycanbefoundon Twitteras@inopportunejew.

Elizabeth J. Wenger isawriterfromTulsa,Oklahoma.WengerisanMFAcandidateatIowa StateUniversity.Wenger'sworkhasbeenpublishedorisforthcominginOrangePeelLiterary Magazine,FlashFictionMagazine,UtahLakeAnthology,andessaydaily.org.

Aja Barber isawriter,stylistandconsultantfocusingontheintersectionsofsustainability, fashion,andthetextileindustry.Herworkexploresthetraditionsofprivilege,wealthinequality, racism,feminism,colonialism,andhowthesesystemsofpoweraffectourbuyinghabits.

Erik Fuhrer istheauthorof6booksofpoetry,mostrecentlyEyeApocalypse(SpuytenDuyvil, 2021).TheirrecentworkisinspiredbytheworkofSarahMichelleGellar.Theirpoetry collection,GellarStudies,isforthcomingin2023,andtheirmemoir,MyBuffedUpLife,which featuresBuffytheVampireSlayerasafictionalinterlocutor,isforthcomingin2024,bothwith SpuytenDuyvilPress.InJanuary2023,theirfirstplaywillbereleasedwithFreeLinesPress.Find thematwww.erik-fuhrer.com.

Dan Clay isawriteranddragqueenthrilledtobemakinghisdebutasanovelistwithBecoming aQueen.Untilnow,hefocusedonspreadingloveandpositivityonlinethroughhisdrag persona,“CarrieDragshaw.”HiswritingasCarriehasbeenfeaturedinhundredsofmagazines, newspapers,andtelevisionshows–fromCosmotoPeopletoWatchWhatHappensLive–andhis TEDTalkonbeingyour“wholeself”detailshisfirst-handexperiencewiththehealingpowerof drag.

Sage Lally (she/her)isaqueer,Richmond-basedentrepreneur(andRae’sclientandfriend)with apenchantforphotography,socialmedia,contentcreation,andvisualstorytelling.Her experiencehasgivenhertheopportunitytodesign,launchandmanagecreativemarketing campaignsthroughouttheUS,aswellasdevelopmeaningfulandeffectivecontentforaudiences ofover3M.SheholdsherBFAinPhotographywithaminorinChildandAdolescent PsychologyandaconcentrationinChineselanguagefromtheNYUTischSchooloftheArts, whereshegraduatedwithhonors.Sagenowrunsbe.,anonlinecommunityforwomenandnonbinarypeoplethathelpsyoushopyourvalues,andPally,acreativeagencysheco-foundedwith herfriendKatie.

Rae Thweatt (they/she)isthefounderofBodyPoliticHairStudios,anindiehairstudiolocated inRichmond,VA.Asahaircuttingspecialistwithover13yearsofexperience,Raebelievesthat hairhasnogender.TheyaimtocreateasaferspacefortheLGBTQIA+communitythatallows everybodytoexpressthemselvesandtheirindividualneeds.

Evelyn Rude isaqueerAAPIGen-ZcreativebasedinAustin,Texas.Herfocusesare photography,creativedirecting,andcontentcreationforsocialmediaplatforms.Herheritageas aVietnameseAmericanwithJapaneseculturefromheradoptedparentscanbeseeninherphotos seriesandcreativeworksuchasKofKoiandOutsidetheGoldfishbowl.Sheuseshercreativity asavoicefortheAAPIandqueercommunitytellingherstorythroughherwork.Currentlyshe ispursuingherjournalismdegreeandisheavilyinvolvedincreativedirectionandstorytelling. Shefindsitimportantthatherworkhasdiversityandisabletoexpressastoryoramessagefor herclients,herselfandthecommunitiessheisinvolvedin.

Sarah Sunfire isaNewOrleansnative,currentlylivinginSanFrancisco.TheyholdanMAin Children’sLiteraturefromHollinsUniversityandhavehadworkpublishedinBurningHouse Press,MidwayJournal,TheStranger,andMs.magazine.Theyalsokeepanoft-updated newsletteronablismintheworldandinpopculture aswellasbody-relatedessaysgenerally calledHotandDisabled.Feelfreetosubscribeathttps://sarahsunfire.substack.com.

Scarlet Novak isa24yearoldnon-binaryAmerican.TheyareaDisableddisabilityadvocateand mobilityaiduser.passionateDisabilityJustice.Scarletisthepetparentto2catsnamedAbraand Pumpkin.TheyenjoyspendingtimewithfriendsandwatchingTVintheirfreetime.Youcan followthemoninstagram@how.scarlet.rollsandFacebookatDisabledDissociatedBiGf.

Julian Miller and Keiko Maasai areapairof24yearoldqueer,nonbinary,disabledartists livinginSt.Louis,MO.Theymetaround2018,havebeenmakingarttogethersince2020,and foundedSadClownClubin2021.Theyarebothlifelongartistswhohavedabbledinmultiple disciplinesincludingvisualartsandcrafts,jewelrymaking,photographyandmodeling,music, andperformance.YoucanfollowJulian@ultravioletjesteronInstagram,@uvjesteronTwitter, andsupporttheirdigitalartatwww.ko-fi.com/ultravioletjester.YoucanfollowKeiko @donutclownonInstagram,@clowndonutonTwitter,andsupporttheirdragatwww.kofi.com/dragprince.YoucansupportSadClownClubatwww.sadclownclub.com,andfollow theirwork@sadclownclub.shoponInstagramand@thesadclownclubonTwitter.

Salem Ariel Reid isanaspiringauthor,photographeranddigitalartistinNewHampshire.They gobyHe/TheyandreadlotsofhorrornovelsandromancesintheLGBT+/OwnVoicesgenre. He'scurrentlyproducingthree-hundrednewWIPideasinsteadoffinishingone,andsavingup tobewiththeloveofhislifeintheUK.

Josephine A. Lauren isaqueer,neurodivergentauthorandactivist,aswellastheCommunity OrganizerofIncestAWARE.Shesharesherstoryofsurvivingchildhoodincestandillnessto raiseawarenessandsupportsolutionsforprevention,intervention,recovery,andjustice. Additionally,sheprovideswritingworkshops,consulting,andtrainingsforsurvivors,themedia, andsupportorganizations.HerstoryhasbeenpublishedinoutletslikeMs.Magazine,Yes!, America,Spirituality&Health,andEliteDaily.Youcanreviewherfullportfolioat www.josephineanne.comandfindherat@josephinealaurenonallsocialmediaplatforms.

JAZZ BELL (they/them)isatransnonbinary,intersex,fat,neurodivergent,multiplydisabled, biracial(HanChinesebywayofTaiwan/white)visualartist,poet,careworker,consultant,and disabilityjusticedreamer.TheirpoetryhasappearedinMuzzle,Nat.Brut,ButtonPoetry,Write AboutNow,andelsewhere.Theyarea2018PinkDoorFellowanda2020InterfacesFreshAIR resident.TheirVisualArthasappearedinCrabFatMagazine,Persephone'sDaughter's,onthe coverofGeorgeAbraham'spoetrycollection"TheSpecimen'sApology",onthecoverofEbony Stewart'schapbook"Ricochet'',andinTransgenderStudiesQuarterly.

Mykki Rios isaqueergenderfluidMexican-Americanpoet,performerandmultimediaartist.

RaisedinChicago,andhavinglivedmanyplacesacrosstheglobe,Mykkihashadworksfeatured inissuesofWelter,MeatForTea:TheValleyReview,RandomSampleReview,Smokeand MoldJournal,LupercaliaPress'Vulcanaliaanthology,andmore.Theywerealsoafinalistin LupercaliaPress'2022ChapbookSeriesContest.

Sarah Sheppeck isaBlackbiracialwriter,editor,androotworker.Theco-Editor-in-Chiefof just femme & dandy andsectioneditorfor the glow up, sheenjoyssharingskincareandskinfriendlymakeuptipsalike.BornandraisedinupstateNewYorkwithstintsinLasVegas,Los Angeles,andthewoodsofnorthernMaine,sheisnowbackinherhomestatewithherpitmix, Chloe,andherpolydactylcat,RitaMoreno.FindheronTwitter,Instagram,andTikTok: @EpicSheppeck.

Jas Saunders isarecentHonours(CreativeWriting)graduatefromtheUniversityofWestern Australia,publishedinUWA’sPelicanandPeafowlmagazines,Queensland’sBlueBottleJournal, andPerth’syouthmagazinePulch,withanundergradinEnglishLitandPublicHealth.Like mostwriters,shebeganasachild–herfirststorybeingPokémonfanfiction.Herthesisrecorded howtheghostcanserveasaformofhopeforthefutureandamentorfigurewithin bildungsromans/coming-of-agenarratives,subvertinggenreexpectations.Herwritinginterests oftenfocuson-butarenotlimitedto-liminalspaces,nostalgia,andmemory,with representationheryoungerselfwouldhavedesiredtosee.

E.M. Lark (they/them)isalion-manedwriter,prosereader&bookreviewer,originallyfrom SouthernCalifornia.RecentworkscanbefoundinMootPointMagazine,CorporealLit, PenumbraOnline,TheLumiereReview,JAKE,amongotherspastandfuture.

Nnadi Samuel holdsaB.AinEnglish&literaturefromtheUniversityofBenin.Authorof 'NatureknowsalittleaboutSlaveTrade'(SundressPublication,2023).Hisworkshavebeen previouslypublished/forthcominginFoglifter,CarteBlanche,BeestungMagazine,ALOCASIA, FifthWheelPress,CommonWealthWriters&elsewhere.WinnerofthePenrosePoetryPrize 2021(LGBTQA+).Hetweets@Samuelsamba10.

Felix Salmoran (they/he)isanindigenousMexicanwriter,musician,aspiringtattooartist, sustainablefashionenthusiast,andloverofallthingsstriped.TheystudiedEnglishLanguage& LiteratureattheCollegeofWilliam&Mary.Hispoetrywonthe2019AcademyofAmerican PoetsCollegiatePrize,appearedinUndergroundMagazine,andisforthcominginMakeout CreekMagazine.HelivesonoccupiedPowhatanlandwithchosenfamilyand2cats.

Katlin Marisol Sweeney-Romero (she/her)isaPhDcandidateintheDepartmentofEnglishat TheOhioStateUniversitywhospecializesinLatinxStudiesandpopularculture.Sheisatwork onherdissertation,whichexploreshowLatinacontentcreatorsusesocialmediaprofilesto produceself-imagesandanonlineself.Shehaspublishedchaptersin TikTok Cultures in the United States (Routledge,2022), Latinx TV in the Twenty-First Century (UofArizonaP,2022), Cultural Studies in the Digital Age (SDSUPress,2021),and The Routledge Companion to Gender and Sexuality in Comic Book Studies (Routledge,2020).Shealsoco-editedaspecialissueof Prose Studies (vol.41,no.2)onLatinxnonfictionwithFrederickLuisAldama.Sheservesonthe AdvisoryBoardforTheLatinxComicArtsFestival(LCAF)atModestoJuniorCollegeandasthe SocialMediaSpecialistfortheGraduateStudentCaucusoftheComicsStudiesSociety.

mirrored fatality (mf):mirroredfatalityrememberswholenessfromdismemberedfleshand mutatesascrosspollinatingperennialterratoids.mirroredfatalityintertwinesglitchragewebs withcorrodedresonanceandregeneratesforsakensporesacrosstheircurrentbiome:ECOCIDE 3URTH.

Jennifer Elise Wang (she/they)isanon-binaryfemmeinSTEMfromDallas,Texas.Whenshe's notdoingneuroscienceresearch,sheenjoyswriting,dancing,andlearninghowtoskateboard andsnowboard.ShehasbeenpublishedinNewVerseNews,FERAL,SouthernArizonaPress’ DragonfliesandFairiesanthology,ExistOtherwise,andev0ke.Shecanbefoundat www.facebook.com/jeniversewritingsand@JeniverseAbronTwitter.

Cavar (they/them)isaPhDstudentandwriteroftransMadthings.Theyareeditor-in-chiefof StoneofMadnessandswallow::talepresses,andtheirwritingcanbefoundinCRAFTLiterary, SplitLipMagazine,ElectricLit,andelsewhere.Cavar'sdebutnovel,FailuretoComply,is forthcomingwithfeatherproofbooks(2024).Moreatwww.cavar.club,@cavarsarahontwitter, andatlibrarycard.substack.com.

Andy Winter (she/her/they/them)isapoet,performer,witch&entitySheisanicequeenof non-binary&transexperiencefromsunnySingapore,nowbasedinLondon.Herworkshave appearedinStellium,StrangeHorizons,EnbyLifeandbeestungamongstothers.Shewasa'22 LambdaLiteraryPoetryFellow.Findherchillingathttps://whispersinwinter.wordpress.com/

a f carbajal (they/he)isaSpanishqueerandnon-binarywriterandacademiclivingintheNorth ofEnglandTheyareSeniorLecturerattheUniversityofRoehampton(London),wherethey teachEnglishLiteratureandCreativeWriting.TheirpoetryhasappearedinDefunktmagazine andbeenselectedfortheGristanthology"We'reinItTogether":PoemsforaDisUnited Kingdom.Theirpoem"sing(e)me"willbepublishedintheseminalissueofthenew transdisciplinaryjournalQueerAesthetics.TheyliveinthehistoricalborderbetweenYorkshire andLancashirewiththeircivilpartner,theirson,threecats,awhippet,andavaryingnumberof goldfish

Jessi Eoin (they/them)isacomicartistandillustratorfromtheoccupiedlandsoftheLenape people(Brooklyn,NewYork).Theymakearttoupliftandpositivelyrepresentfat,disabled,and transexperiences,andyoucanfindmoreoftheirworkatjbeoin.com,@jbeoinoninstagram,and @JessiEoinArtontwitter.

Dali Valentino isaNonbinaryTransMasc,MexicanPuertoRicanIllustratorandcostumer. SeekingworktoteamupwithBIPOCcreatorsandauthorstomakeworkofTransJoy.Theirart canbefoundonInstagramorTwitterunder:@AzulVaqueroArt.

SG Huerta isaqueerChicanewriterfromDallas.Theyaretheauthorofthepoetrychapbooks The Things We Bring with Us (HeadmistressPress2021)and Last Stop (DefunktMagazine2023)

Theirworkhasappearedin Split Lip Magazine, Infrarrealista Review, andelsewhere.Theylivein Texaswiththeirpartnerandtwocats.Findthematsghuertawriting.comoronTwitter @sgpoetry

Abbie Goldberg (they/them)isaqueer,disabledmultidisciplinaryartist,writer,puppeteer,drag creature,andtheatermakerfromthemountainsofruralMaineTheyhavebeenpublishedby Autostraddle,SinisterWisdom,WaifMagazine,AkPress,HowlRound,TheNicheandmore. Theyloveusingcreativespectacletoimagineotherpossibilitiesforthisworld--aworldthatis hardtolivein,butthattheycan'thelpbutkeepfallinginlovewithanyway.Theyarecurrently basedinNewYork.

James Daniels (he/him&they/them)isaloveroflanguagesandproficientatRussian,Spanish, FrenchandEnglish,thoughhecurrentlywritesprimarilyinEnglish.Heispublishedinboth poetryandproseandplanstopursueamaster'sininterdisciplinaryhumanitiesstudiesintheUSA in2023.

Miguel Wilson findsjoyintraveling,producingtheirownmusic,andtalkingaboutgender.As asecond-yeardoctoralstudentattheUniversityofNorthCarolinaatCharlottestudying OrganizationalScience,theylovebringinghistoricallyexcludedvoicestotheforefrontand envisioningmorejustandequitableorganizations.Followthem@lilmigsbigworldonInstagram!

Fiammetta Gianni (she/they)isa23yearoldwriterandaspiringauthor,constantlydreaming upnewplotsandwritingthemdowninarush.Theirwritingisheavilyinfluencedbyher experienceasadisabledfemmelesbianShelovesanythingperioddramasandcraftingFollow themonTwitter@fiascribblesforwritingprogressupdatesandoccasionalrantsaboutdisabled charactersinTVshowsandfilms!

Thomas Hobohm (they/them)isawriterfromSFbywayofTexas.They'reinterestedin interrogatingqueerdesireandthewilltointersubjectiveknowledge.Whenthey'renotreading orwriting,theyliketoplayvolleyballorexploreindependentcinemasaroundSanFrancisco TheycanbefoundonTwitter:https://twitter.com/thomashobohm.

Geyl Wells (she/her?Iguess?),isagraduatestudentofEnglishatMiddleTennesseeState University.ShewasbornintheheartofMississippi,raised(mostly)intheshadowsofArizona’s SuperstitionMountains,&livesinthesuburbsofNashville.Connectwithheroninstagram @ebigeylwells

Sajah Francesca isatwenty-oneyearsoldtransmasc,nonbinarypersonwithhyperfemme tendencieslivinginLongBeach,California.Sajahidentifiesasapansexualandlivestheirlife boldly,learninghowtoflaunttheirqueernessthroughfashionandart.Hespecializesinpoetry, butindulgesinshortstoriesandplaysfromtimetotime.Whentheyaren’twriting,theyspend theirdaysindulgingincultcinemaordrinkingobsceneamountsofcoffeeTheyhavean AssociatesDegreeinEnglishLiteratureandareintheirsenioryearatCalStateUniversityLong BeachpursuingtheirBachelor’s.

Elizabeth Kumaki isaqueernon-binaryJapaneseAmericanfashionandtextileartist,actor,and musicianlivinginSeattle,Washington.Theirworkhasbeenfeaturedonstage,televisionandby independentartistsforperformancesandphotosYoucanfindthemoninstagram @seaweedxseed.

Tylyn K. Johnson (he/they)isapart-timewriterfromIndianapolis,IN.Hewritestoreflectthe traditionsofstorytellingandempowermenthecomesfromthroughtheframedlensesofBlack andQueerartistry.Theirlanguagehasappearedinthelickety~split,BrainchildMagazine,Queen SpiritMagazine,andRigorous,amongotherspacesArecipientofthe2021MyongChaSon HaikuAward,theyhaveperformedvariousreadingsandobtainedmultiplewritingawardsatthe UniversityofIndianapolis.Tylynisalsothecreatorof"CommunalCreativity:AGameof Poetry"onitch.io.Hisprojectsandsocialmediacanbefoundathttps://linktr.ee/tykywrites.

(@TyKyWritesonInstagramandTwitter)

aboutourteam

Addie Tsai (founder & co-editor in chief)

(any/all)isaqueer,non-binaryartistandwriterofcolor,whoteachesCreativeWritingatthe CollegeofWilliam&Mary.TheyalsoteachinGoddardCollege'sMFAProgramin InterdisciplinaryArtsandRegisUniversity'sMileHighMFAPrograminCreativeWriting. AddiecollaboratedwithDominicWalshDanceTheateronVictorFrankensteinandCamille Claudel,amongothers.TheyearnedanMFAfromWarrenWilsonCollegeandaPhDinDance fromTexasWoman’sUniversity.Addieistheauthorof Dear Twin and Unwieldy Creatures.Sheis theFictionco-EditorandEditorofFeatures&Reviewsat Anomaly,contributingwriterat Spectrum South,andFoundingEditorandEditorinChiefat just femme &dandy.

Sarah Sheppeck (co-editor in chief, the glowup)

(they/she)isagraduateofU.C.Riverside’sPalmDesertLow-ResidencyMFAprogramin CreativeWritingandWritingforthePerformingArts.TheyearnedherBachelorofArtsdegree inEnglishfromtheUniversityofRochesterandtheirMaster’sinSecondaryEducationand CurriculumfromtheUniversityofNevada,LasVegas.BornandraisedinupstateNewYork withstintsinLasVegas,LosAngeles,andthewoodsofnorthernMaine,theyarenowbackin theirhomestatewithherpitmix,Chloe,andtheircat,RitaMoreno.FindheronTwitter: @EpicSheppeck.

Simone Person (managing editor, the mane attraction, fat + furious)

(they/them)isaBlackqueerfemme,two-timePinkDoorWritingRetreatfellow,andcasual gothwhogrewupinToledo,OhioandsmallMichigantowns.Theyaretheauthorof Dislocate (HoneysucklePress,2018)and Smoke Girl (DiodeEditions,2019).Theirworkexploresthe aftermathoftraumathroughpoetryandprose.Theylivewiththeirperfectlyterriblecatand wonderfultriplePiscespartner.Youcanfindthematsimoneperson.comandonTwitterand Instagramat@princxporkchop.

Jen St. Jude (sole mates)

(she/they/mx)isthemanagingdirectoratChicagoReviewofBooks,andhasworkin Gigantic Sequins, The Rumpus,and Catapult.HerdebutYAnovel, If Tomorrow Doesn’t Come,willbe publishedbyBloomsburyChildren’sin2023.FindthemonTwitter:@jenstjude.

Jo Davis-McElligatt (no scrubs)

(she/her)isqueerBlackwomanandmamatothebestkidever.SheisanAssistantProfessorof BlackLiteraryandCulturalStudiesandaffiliatedfacultyinWomen’sandGenderStudiesatthe UniversityofNorthTexas,wheresheteachesgraduateandundergraduatecoursesinBlack studies,comicsstudies,andsouthernstudies.Sheistheco-editorofthreecollections: Narratives of Marginalized Identities in Higher Education: Inside and Outside the Academy; Narrating History, Home, and Nation: Critical Essays on Edwidge Danticat;and BOOM! @*#&! Splat: Comics and Violence.Sheiscurrentlywritingherfirstmonograph, Black and Immigrant: The New African Diaspora in American Literature after 1965.FindheronTwitter:@jcdmce.

Kirin Khan (triple thread(s))

(she/her)isawriterlivinginOakland,CAwhocallsAlbuquerque,NewMexicoherhometown, andPeshawar,Pakistanherhomeland.SheisgratefulforfellowshipsfromPENAmerica

EmergingVoices,SFWritersGrotto,AWP'sWritertoWriterprogram,andSJSU'sSteinbeck Fellowship,andresidenciesfromtheVermontStudioCenterandTinHouse.Heressay Tight was nominatedbyNat.Brutfora2018PushcartPrize.Herworkhasappearedin Corporeal Khora, The Margins, Your Impossible Voice, 7x7.LA andelsewhere.FindheronTwitter:@kirinjaan,and herworkatkirinkhan.com.

Sky Cubacub (cancel & gretel)

(they/them)isanon-binarydisabledFilipinxqueerfromChicago,ILRebirthGarmentsistheir clothinglineforthefullspectrumofgender,sizeandability.TheymaintainthenotionofRadical Visibility,acelebratorymovementbasedonunapologeticallyflauntingourbodiesthroughthe useofbrightcolors,exuberantfabrics,andinnovativedesigns.Skywasnamed2018Chicagoan oftheYearbytheChicagoTribuneandisa2019/2020KennedyCenterCitizenArtistanda DisabilityFuturesFellow.RebirthGarmentshasbeenfeaturedinTeenVogue,Nylon,Playboy, theNewYorkTimesandmanymore!FindthemonInstagram,TikTokandTwitter @rebirthgarments.

stoo (solemates)

(they/she)isanon-binary/transfemininesinger-songwriterandactorwholivesinHouston.Since graduatingwithaBFAinMusicalTheatrefromSamHoustonStateUniversity,stooreleasedtwo musicalprojects,“COSTUMEbyBlingSt.”and“SUPERSUIT”(withthelatterreceivingthetop honorinHoustonChronicle’s“BestHoustonAlbumsin2017”)andperformedinmultiple professionaltheatreproductionsandperformanceartevents.Mostrecently,stoohasbeennamed OutsmartMagazine’s“FavoriteNonBinaryActor”in2021andwasNon-Binary/Gender NonconformingcandidateforPrideHouston’sGrandMarshal.FindthemonInstagramand Twitter:@stooizm.stoolikes:brightcoloredhairondarkerskin,combatboots,abstractpattern button-upshirts,sheer/transluscentclothingandaccessories