3 “The Ways We Won’t Change” Allison Moore, 11 “Disregard of Self” Bruisedfraiseblossom, 14 “Reproductive Justice During My Lifetime” H.F., 16 (cont’d at 25) Interviews by Keeley Lanigan, 20 “Forgiveness in Choice” Pnkflzyscum, 21 “In Matters of Forgiveness” Bruisedfraiseblossom, 24 “Prison Born” Fluek, 32 “What to Know About Popular Birth Control Options” Mandy Schnatter, 34“Magic Within” Pnkflzyscum, 35 “My Body, My Fucking Choice” Juliette Orangetree, 39 “Anatomy of the Average Woman” Pnkflzyscum
The Ways We Won’t Change”
I didn’t have enough self-worth to tell my partner I didn’t wanna go through the procedure. Yet, I did it anyway in fear of lack of support from everyone around me.
I knew I would have been alone otherwise.
Now there are jokes and reminders of it, and I cannot seem to remember a single time I stood up for myself and spoke the truth.
I lie when I say I’m okay, when clearly all I’m thinking about is how weak and pitiful I am. How spineless…
I just wanna mask my pain to please others. That’s how I’ve always been.
I guess I don’t want her—or anybody—to leave me.
Nobody would have loved me anymore after either.
I am nothing.
I guess that’s why I hate myself now, and I don’t trust my family or friends enough to tell them how much I really wanted to have my baby.
I knew everybody would hate me. Talk about me.
Laugh at me.
Say everything they thought about me was right.
I knew I would be ruining her life. I knew despite how much I really wanted her to say she wanted it, it wasn’t ever gonna be like
that—She wasn’t happy with the idea of a child on the way.
Maybe I just wanted to be treated like that a little bit.
But I don’t know, I don’t care. I hide and run away when I start to feel it again.
I’m jealous when I see them and their baby. Why can’t I have that?
They waste it by throwing a phone at the baby’s face and getting angry when he can’t communicate.
You fuck! If I had what you had, I would be the best parent I could be, even if that meant I had nothing.
Envy, I can’t breathe.
Can you stop pulling my switches? You’re getting on my final nerves.
“It’s not my path.”
At least that’s what I tell myself.
The first time, I wanted it gone. This time, I’m not so sure I actually wanted to.
I think I told them what they wanted to hear.
I think I’ve always been wired to “do the right thing.”
Why must a decision be so permanent when it’s all a part of me? I lied as everybody watched.
I’m a mom now!
Never mind.
I don’t care.
Even though I hate myself now. Even though the support I have is conditional. Even though I can’t sleep. Even though I’m empty. Even though I’m nothing. Even though it’s over.
I’m
still here. Still alive and breathing.
And I am valid to be forgiven. I am valid to choose myself. I am valid to choose us.
I am valid to have chosen safety— Over my heart.
Disregard of self
bruisedfraiseblossom
Author’s note:
Being pregnant is a whirlwind of thoughts, feelings, and overall image of self. Nothing is black and white as it may seem. Choosing to end a pregnancy is one of the hardest decisions a person with a uterus can make. Nothing is as permanent as having a child—the struggles and responsibilities it comes with can weigh heavily on someone’s mind and life. Along with the fears, it can also be a dream to have a baby and become a parent. The bliss of the hormones can be hard to deal with. No matter why you chose to end your pregnancy, know you are valid. You deserve to move forward with your life despite the doubts and guilt. Choosing yourself over the noise is about the bravest thing I’ve ever seen a person with a uterus do. Push Forward, fight on.
Reproductive justice during my lifetime
Interviews by keeley lanigan
Author’s note:
I interviewed 9 of my family members who all have different knowledge and opinions on reproductive rights (only 5 are included in the zine). I wanted to see how the opinions would change among different genders and ages. They were all given the same questions. Some knew their answers right away and some had thought of them less and approached their answers with more hesitation or confusion.
Interviewee 1
Age: 20
Gender Identity: Nonbinary
Fertility status: Fertile
Relationship status: Single (interested in women)
Interviewer: How have reproductive laws played a role in your life?
Interviewee: Well, they haven’t really affected me yet. However, since I am an AFAB (assigned female at birth) person they definitely will affect me in the future. If I was ever raped or had sex with someone who had a penis but didn’t want to be pregnant, then that would affect me and my right to access stuff like Plan B. So it’s not just about abortion, it’s also about any kind of contraception like the morning after pill or anything like that being stripped away. It’s important and affects everyone because even if I mainly like women, women can have penises. It could happen to my partner, family, or other people I care about too.
Interviewer: If you needed to get birth control right now, would you know how/where to get it?
Interviewee: I wouldn’t really know. I guess I’d probably go to, like,
do they have them at a drugstore? I don’t know. I would probably have to look it up. I’m guessing Planned Parenthood has it too, but I don’t really know where they are located.
Interviewer: What are your thoughts on birth control for males?
Interviewee: I think it’s important. I think anyone should have access to birth control. Do you mean like a pill?
Interviewer: Yes, like a pill.
Interviewee: I think everyone should have access to birth control. It shouldn’t be just for certain people. I think it should be accessible for all, and not expensive either because I know some birth control options can be kind of expensive.
Interviewer: How did you feel when Roe v. Wade was overturned?
Interviewee: I felt scared and sad. Roe v. Wade was such an important court case and having the government able to make choices about people’s bodies is really messed up. This was really important for people to be able to have access to things like abortion and birth control. Roe v. Wade being overturned set a precedent for other court cases like Obergefell v. Hodges (right to marry guaranteed to same sex couples) to be prospectively overturned too. That’s scary because it can lead to different court cases throughout history that were very important to overturn. We didn’t think Roe v. Wade would be overturned, and then it did, which I think is scary.
Interviewer: How has your way of life changed after the overturning of Roe v. Wade?
Interviewee: My personal life has not been directly affected, but it could be in the future, so that does weigh on my mind. However, it has impacted people I care about who are important to me, and in that way, it’s affected me too.
Interviewer: In the context of the recent election, how do you feel about the future of young women?
Interviewee: I know there are a lot of bright, young women in the world who won’t take this sitting down, but I don’t think they should have to fight for their right to exist and their right to access basic things like abortion care or contraceptives. The fact that women now have to put themselves in danger to fight for this is scary. I’ll do my best to also fight for that right because I think it is important and I’m not gonna just take it either.
Interviewer: Have these questions so far made you consider things you haven’t considered before?
Interviewer: Some of them. I think a part of me is like, “oh, it will never really have a direct impact on my life,” but it can, and I gotta remember that it can still affect me. Even if it doesn’t affect me, it’s still an important topic to continue to think about.
Interviewee 2
Age: 18
Gender Identity: Woman
Fertility Status: Fertile
Relationship status: Dating a cis man
Interviewer: How have reproductive laws played a role in your life?
Interviewee: I don’t think that they have played a role in my life because I’ve never had any reproductive issues yet. However, reproductive laws are getting restricted as I’m about to go to college. I want more freedom and would like access to those rights, but now they’re being taken away, which scares me. I’m just about to start college—I want my life to start and I do not want a child at this moment. I don’t wanna have to worry about that.
Interviewer: If you needed to get birth control right now would you know how/where to get it?
Interviewee: It’s available at pharmacies right now, but we don’t know if it will still be in the future.
Interviewer: What are your thoughts on birth control for males, like a pill?
Interviewee: I think that should be implemented because the only reliable form of birth control right now, other than a condom, is a vasectomy. But vasectomies are usually only used for people when they’re done having kids. I just don’t understand why there are so many harmful forms of temporary birth control for women and barely any for men. I think they should make those because it’s a two-person thing to need birth control and I don’t think it should be put on just women.
Interviewer: How did you feel when Roe v. Wade was overturned?
Interviewee: When it was overturned, I was a freshman in high school so I didn’t care about it much. But now that I am older, I think about it more. People don’t normally get an abortion because it’s what they want. Usually, it’s a last resort kind of thing.
Continued on page 25
Dedicated To Uterus Sufferers:
Know you deserve to be forgiven and loved by who matters the most. You.
It’s hard to look in the mirror.
The reflection shows me this dull, exhausted monster I don’t remember inviting in my home.
I gasp when I hold my half-empty uterus and remember the death of this unique flutter I was starting to get used to. A glow of god within me.
My grandmother shows me a pair of red baby booties that are promised to her first great grandchild. The pride she feels is something I wish I can join in on. If only my smile could reflect my regret and pain as I melt into my seat. If only she knew that dangling the baby booties in front of me stabs me deeper.
Every day that goes by that you’re not with me causes the clouds to close in, no matter how sickening or painful it was to carry you. I still felt the love you had for me.
When I’d starve myself you would, without words, tell me to eat— just a jolt of lighting through my body and mind. As you grew, I felt the glow of an expanding body, plush curves and even softer breasts. I was sexy and beautiful, just like I’ve always felt, but more… So much more.
Despite this, I couldn’t imagine a world where we could be the happiest. After all, I am a young, disordered individual struggling with modern poverty.
Your mother couldn’t fathom the idea of you either. A hush fell over when I spoke of you in a bubbly light.
I wanted to pretend we were ready, but alas, even that was playing it too close for comfort.
To the few people I spoke about you with, they said you were a problem, and a thing to immediately destroy before it’s too late. Something to cut off quickly, while I’m still dreaming of a world where I could hold you and give you the entire milkyway. The idea of your giggle warms my soul and the thought of having the honor to soothe your cries when you’re upset gives me another lighthearted feeling.
It was just you and me. I wasn’t alone with my disordered emotions finally for a minute. You were there to talk to me in your own little ways. I guess I was in love.
I couldn’t be selfish, no matter how much I dreamt and cried into my sore knuckles there was no way around what I needed to let go of.
I couldn’t force you upon anybody, especially not your mother.
I would become what I despise: Another statistic to raise a baby on my own disrupting a person’s chance of getting out of this world alive—including my own.
Though it was my body, it wasn’t just my life who would be affected by your birth.
Though it was my emotions, it wasn’t my turn yet to be the best
mother I could.
…Or at least that’s what I told myself to go through with my operation.
Right before I swallowed the pill, I stopped. Right at that moment I thought, “Do I really want this?”
What if I can make it work?
Do I really have to kill a part of myself?
As your mother worked around her room, organizing her cassettes, I shed a tear at the thought of telling her I couldn’t do it.
The thought of her hating me for the rest of my life because I set her back put a cold chill down my spine.
I felt you again one last time fluttering around, the movement of your heart echoed through my mind.
I knew it wasn’t gonna last. I knew what I needed to do. Not just for her, but for myself too. I’m just not ready yet—neither of us are.
At least that’s what I feel at this moment.
Without speaking up I shoved it far down my throat and swallowed my doubt.
Jumping into the unknown permanence one more time.
Prison Born Fluek
“Prison Born” can be interpreted in many ways, but it mainly touches on feeling imprisoned from an unplanned birth. To me, the demon fetus represents someone given a prison body and forced to live in a world that is especially cruel to those with disabilities. The fetus has horns—most who are born with chronic disabilites tend to become self-destructive. The crazy eyes represent the continuing mental decline of the imprisoned.
Continued from page 19
So if that last resort isn’t available, it’s just so terrifying. I don’t understand how they can overturn something that has helped so many people.
Interviewer: How has your way of living your life changed after the overturning of Roe v. Wade?
Interviewee: I think it’s less scary for us because we live in California. I don’t think it has affected me very much because we’re in a place where abortion is legal, and we have the ability to leave. If we weren’t in California, we would still be able to fly to a place where we could get an abortion, but not everybody has that privilege, so I’m fearful for other people more so than I’m fearful for us. I personally know people who live in Virginia and other states for university, so I think about them too.
Interviewer: In the context of the recent election, how do you feel about the future of young women?
Interviewee: It’s scary, because it’s not just about abortion, it’s about any form of birth control. I read somewhere that President-elect Donald Trump is trying to end recreational sex, which is unrealistic. It’s in our biology to be sexually attracted to one another, and it’s not just something you could control. The restriction of our reproductive rights is harmful and they’re just gonna make people more afraid. There are gonna be more teen pregnancies, or pregnancies in general. What Trump plans to do is gonna be so much more than just overturning Roe v. Wade, so that’s really scary.
Editor’s note: Donald Trump has not explicitly mentioned ending recreational sex, but many of his allies have, including The Heritage Foundation (November 6 2024, The Atlantic, “What Project 2025 actually says about birth control is alarming”). However, the restriction to abortion care and birth control will inevitably result in the decline of recreational sex.
Interviewer: Have these questions made you consider things you haven’t considered before?
Interviewee: No, I don’t think so because I’m taking a class on women’s health issues right now, so I think this is stuff we’ve been discussing for awhile. But this is definitely something that I think about once in a while and it’s pretty daunting.
Interviewee 3
Age: 53
Gender identity: Man
Fertility Status: Infertile (via vasectomy)
Relationship status: Married to a cis woman
Interviewer: How have reproductive laws played a role in your life?
Interviewee: They haven’t.
Interviewer: Hypothetically, if you needed to get birth control right now, would you know how or where to get it?
Interviewee: For me, yes.
Interviewer: No, like birth control pills or IUDs for female reproductive systems.
Interviewee: That’s a different question. I’m not female.
Interviewer: Fair enough. They have come out with birth control pills for males before. They’re just not mainstream. What are your thoughts on them?
Interviewee: I’ve never heard of it, so I don’t have any thoughts on it.
Interviewer: How did you feel when Roe v. Wade was overturned?
Interviewee: Extremely disappointed in my country.
Interviewer: How has your way of living your life changed after the overturning of Roe v. Wade?
Interviewee: My way of life has not changed because of my age and my family. However, it’s changed the way my daughters are going to look at where they’re going to live within the United States. It’s changed the way we help our employees at my workplace—about how we can help them move from states that have illegalized abortion. It’s just really changed the way Americans have to look at their lives.
Interviewer: In the context of the recent election, how do you feel about the future of young women?
Interviewee: My view is that presidents are transient. They’re transitional. They don’t apply for a long period of time, but if you look at the election overall, it’s definitely too much of a wave to the conservative side. Right now, there’s no balance, and that’s a dangerous thing. Every time we get a conservative, whether it’s hyper-liberal or hyper-conservative, that’s never a positive, and I think in the
“Dimethandrolone undecanoate (DMAU) is a promising experimental male hormonal contraceptive.” (National Library of Medicine, S. Sharma et al., 2022)
context of young women, hyper-conservatism is a real negative.
Interviewer: Have these questions made you consider things you haven’t considered before?
Interviewee: The only one was, I had no idea there was a male birth control.
Interviewee 4
Age: 78
Gender identity: Woman
Fertility Status: Infertile (via hysterectomy)
Relationship status: Married to a cis man
Interviewer: How has birth control played a role in your life?
Interviewee: In my mother’s generation, it was religious. They didn’t have any birth control options yet. My mother, who was very Catholic, relied on abstinence. In my generation, I was taking birth control pills when they finally started coming into play. I didn’t take them until I was married. Health-wise, they weren’t the best. The Pharmaceutical industry, what they had available, what they use, versus what is available now is totally different.
Interviewer: If you needed to get birth control right now, would you know how/where to get it?
Interviewee: Well that’s kind of a moot point for my generation.
Interviewer: Yeah, just hypothetically, like say you were.
Interviewee: Oh for, like, my daughter or my granddaughter, how
would I get it?
Interviewer: Would you know how to?
Interviewee: I would first go to a doctor and find out.
Interviewer: There have, I don’t know if you know this, but there have been trials for a birth control pill for males that prevents them from getting others pregnant. So, what are your thoughts on something like that?
Interviewee: Great idea! Great! Finally admitting it’s not only the woman. It’s a two-person job here.
Interviewer: Exactly. How did you feel when Roe v. Wade was overturned?
Interviewee: Absolutely devastated and horrible. It doesn’t affect me now, but I worry about you guys. I think it’s horrible that your generation has to live through this.
Interviewer: In the context of the recent election, how do you feel about the future of young women?
Interviewee: The recent election is devastating to young women, but here’s my feeling: it’s only four years. There are some sane people in this world—not the president-elect and not the cabinet he’s forming—but some in the Republican Party, who hopefully will come back to sanity. I think the Democrats need to come too. We need to get more central. That’s where we need to be.
Interviewee 5
Age: 78
Gender Identity: Man
Fertility Status: Unknown
Relationship Status: Married to a cis woman
Interviewer: How have reproductive laws played a role in your life?
Interviewee: In my personal life, zero role. I’m a male, and I’ve never been exposed, to the best of my knowledge, to any women who have had trouble with rights. Trouble with reproduction, yes, but not with rights.
Interviewer: If you, hypothetically, needed to get birth control right now, like maybe for your granddaughter or your daughter, would you know what how/where to get it?
Interviewee: No, no idea.
Interviewer: What are your thoughts on birth control for males? They have done some trials with making a pill that could be used for males to prevent them from getting women pregnant. What are your thoughts on that?
Interviewer: I think that is a good medical improvement. The birth control pill for women only came into existence back in approximately the 1960s, or just about 60 years ago, and birth control for women mostly was used for family planning, but also was used for women wanting to avoid unwanted pregnancies.
Interviewer: How did you feel when Roe v. Wade was overturned?
Interviewee: Confused, because Roe v. Wade was the law of the land in approximately 1970, but as a male I didn’t have any vested
interest in it, so I never quite understood what it was all about; what it allowed, what it didn’t allow. I do not think that overturning it was a good thing. I believe from what little I understand, Roe v. Wade, in general, was a good thing for women.
Interviewer: How has the way you’ve lived your life changed after the overturning of Roe v. Wade, if at all?
Interviewee: Not at all. No impact on me personally.
Interviewer: In the context of the recent election, how do you feel about the future of young women?
Interviewee: A lot of my thoughts about the election relate to economic conditions because I am a staunch republican with a conservative viewpoint about finance and the economy. There are numerous other views of radical republican groups that I do not agree with, but to me, it’s all about economic stability. So as that relates to women, I believe that over the next 5 to 10 years, women will have better opportunities from an economic standpoint. How that relates to women’s rights, I don’t know.
Interviewer: Have these questions I’ve asked you so far made you consider things you haven’t considered before?
Interviewee: Slightly. I believe that women should have the right to control their own bodies, and as I said, that is not a standard republican-type position, and something I don’t agree with the republican party. I think women should have the right to control their own bodies.
What to know about popular birth control options
Magic within pnkflzyscum
Welcome to the life of a fertile woman!
Depending on where you live, you may have more reproductive rights than others. In some places, you could order an abortion pill online which gets delivered to your door faster than an Amazon package. In another place, it’d be up to your doctor. In a really different place, owning a circular lil pill sends you to jail. This place also can refuse to provide you birth control. All of these places are located inside the United States.
Picture this. You’re a teenager—young, spry, naive, confused, curious. You live in the rural depths of South Dakota. This is one of the places where they have a complete abortion ban. But you’re 13 and never heard of an abortion before. Wuzzat? You don’t even really know how sex works. Life is awesome.
Until you get raped. Maybe by a high school boy. Or your uncle who visited over the weekend. You were standing shyly in the corner and they asked if you wanted to see something cool in their bedroom. You nodded because you’re a good girl and good girls are polite. Before you knew it, they had their hands on you and you were staring at the ceiling counting each piece of tile, hoping it’ll be over by the time you’re done counting them all.
Now you’re pregnant with a fetus that swims inside your womb. And as it grows each day, it is a stark, harrowing reminder of the most devasatating day of your life. You’ve never even graduated middle school, or went to the prom, or joined the lacrosse team, or tried MDMA, or paid taxes, or had a part-time job besides walking dogs. Now you’re growing a life-form which you’re expected to raise, feed, bathe, and teach all the moralities you know about life when you give birth to it. But how can you, when you don’t even
know why you’re forced to keep the baby—why did your state ban abortion care?
The truth is, they banned it because they want control over you and strip your freedom of choice. They don’t see you as an individual human being. They don’t see women that way at all.
Next, you may try to report the rape and alert authorities. One caveat: the law enforcement of this country are real fucking useless. They’ll sit on their asses and eat a donut. When you report a violent crime, they’ll slowly crane their necks at you with powdered sugar around their mouths and utter a lazy, “hunh?” And when they ask you to recount the crime, which you do in full detail, even if it hurts to think about it, they’ll roll their eyes and think, “Blah, blah, blah. Another friggin’ teen drama. Won’t these bitches ever shut the fuck up?” They’ll tell you they’ll do something about it, and they won’t. Never do. They have a stack of rape kits of victims from the long ago past in their file cabinet. Yours will collect dust among them.
So you have been raped. You will carry this baby for 9 months. Your rapist will get away scot-free, as all rapists do. You cry at night when you realize he’s still out there, hurting other women.
When you give birth, you may quietly drop it off at foster home. Time will pass. Decades pass. You may forget the details of the night you were raped, or the face of the man, but there will always be the scar on your belly when you gave a C-section to a baby who spent the next few decades wandering, trying to understand why their parents gave them up, and what kind of people they were, and why they were born.
When politicians take away your human right to safely access abortion care, they reduce you to zero. It’s first the abortion, then the contraceptions, then your maternal health, then all your basic rights. They take away your autonomy, freedom, future and choices—brazenly so—because who gives a fuck about women? And the question persists as women themselves vote against abortion care too.
When someone says they’re pro-life, they actually mean they’re pro-men. They’ll cry and give a shit about the fetus until they realize the fetus is female. This fetus has a 14.8% chance being raped in the future. She may be one of the 17.7 million American women assaulted. This fetus will be the newest member of our strongly patriarchal society and she will be welcomed by the idea that she may be assaulted and nobody will save her. If we gave a shit about the fetus so much, why can’t we stop raping girls, who were once fetuses too?
These haggard, old-ass, male politicians in their thousand-dollar Hugo Boss suits…they’d rather keep us caged.
They’d rather us shove a coat hanger up our cervixes.
They’d rather us ingest horse medicine. Fuck it, bleach too.
They’d rather us pump Lysol up our vaginas.
They’d rather us inflict blunt force trauma onto ourselves—they’d rather us direct a hook to our abdomen or fall down the stairs, over and over and over again.
They’d rather us flee the state and cross borders.
They’d rather us buy underground abortion pills and go into sepsis when we swallow something shady and too much of it.
They’d rather us on food stamps and welfare that’ll barely feed or clothe the baby if we decide to keep it.
They’d rather us give birth to a girl who will become another domesticated homemaker in the future who breeds more children for our already-overpopulated planet. Ice caps are melting and there’s garbage in the sea… but they’d rather us pop out more fucking babies who will continue the cyclical disease of buying and selling commodities.
They’d rather us hang ourselves. And when we do, our bodies will limp like a loose burlap sack, or a sock doll, or a floppy banana peel—anything but like a dead human body, cheeks paled from the noose adorned on our necks.
They’d rather us suffer long before granting us access to safe reproductive care. They’d rather have a tight grip on us. They’d rather take our bodies; part by part, until they take our voices. They’d rather us forget how to say: “My body, my choice,” “my body, my choice,” “my body, my fucking choice.”
