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Bring Back Bingo on the Costa Blanca! What a load of Balls! Welcome to the April issue of The New Smuggler. On our rounds of distribution points, advertisers and readers, from Benidorm to Gandia, ‘The New Smuggler’ team has heard numerous stories of how expats are being deprived of the innocent fun of our Prize Bingo. It’s not just your local bar that’s been banned from this simple bit of harmless entertainment, but apparently the whole region. While casinos are OK, and some Spanish football teams are sponsored by BetWin, we’re suddenly not allowed to spend an evening with our mates having a little flutter on some numbers, shouting ‘House!’ occasionally, and giggling when the caller says ‘Soixante Neuf - 69’. (Maybe the authorities don’t like the sound of ‘Setenta y Nueve’, because it just doesn’t sound as naughty!) Anyway, ‘The New Smuggler’ is designed to be your magazine, so we are proud to launch our new campaign to Bring Back Bingo on the Costa Blanca. So, if you’re a bingo player, bar owner, advertiser, sponsor or distributor, here is your chance to get your own back on local bureaucracy! All you have to do to support the Balls! campaign is sign our online petition at www.thesmuggler.es and when we have enough signatures, we will present the petition to the relevant authorities. And while you’re on the website, why not make us your homepage (see page 51). It’ll give you instant access to all your favourite links and chatrooms, music, films, videos, naughty stuff and a full Smuggler archive containing all the fun of three years’ issues. Do it now …! “Give us our balls back!”

The New Smuggler Team: We Love Naughty Fun in the Sun! Deadline for adverts for the May issue is April 20th 2010 D.L. V-464-2008 2

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Letters to the Editor. Dear Editor, Welcome back! We missed your magazine, and it’s really great to have The New Smuggler back on the Costa Blanca. I can’t tell you how much we missed you! In case you’re interested, life is still good here, despite the obvious exchange rate and pension problems, but it’s still the dog shit everywhere that I find hard to swallow. Bob Jowl, Javea Dear Ed, Please help! I am a single woman living in a downstairs apartment in a block of very loud Spanish families, and I can’t get to sleep at night because of the noise made by the man on top of me. Is there anything you can do? Carole Queen, Denia Dear Carole, You can’t make the Spanish be quiet, so you need to focus on something else. Did you say you were single? What’s your phone number? Ed.

and frustrated women. ‘Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends, who are equally tired and frustrated. Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 5,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the time of writing this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, 4 of whom were worth keeping. Remember - this chain brings luck. An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between the owner of a chain of shoe shops and a successful gynaecologist. You can be lucky too, but do not break the chain! One woman broke the chain, and got her own husband back again!' Ruth Less, Calpe

Dear Editor, I thought you would like an Easter joke for your readers: Dear Editor, ‘Jesus and Moses are fishing in I hope you can publish this heaven. chain letter, which was started They begin talking about how to bringing relief to other tired cool the bible is, and decide to

have a contest to see who had the cooler miracles. Moses stands up, raises his fishing pole to the heavens, and parts the pond. The boat settles, and fish are flopping all around. He lowers his pole, and the water gently returns. Jesus stands up, takes his sandals off, and steps off of the boat. He sinks straight to the bottom (Jesus cant swim, as he is from a desert). Moses parts the waters again, and pulls Jesus back into the boat. Jesus says; “I don’t understand! I walked right off the boat the first time, and it was amazing! I walked right on the water!” Moses says; “Jesus, you idiot ... last time, you didn’t have those holes in your feet!” Brian Dead, Oliva Dear Brian, Thanks for your contribution. Sick bastard! Dear Editor, Yesterday I was walking past my local English butchers and I saw the sign ‘Best liver for sale’. I hadn’t realised that George was dead! (Name withheld)

The New Smuggler takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in, advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of this publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced in any form without the express permission in writing of The editor at The New Smuggler . 3

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A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a fucking bus stop." Late one Friday night the

policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to

step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye fookin believe me?!" A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a haemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm too fucking pissed to do that!" St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept dan-

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gerous narcotics out of the hands of kids." "Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates." A few moments later a second man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travellers." "Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise." A few moments later a third man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a Military Policeman, Sir." "Excellent my son, I have to go out for a bit, watch the gate will you?"

other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

A physician visited a California mental institution and asked a patient: "How did you get here? What is the nature of your illness?" He got this reply... "It started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my step daughter. "My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother." "Soon my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So as I told you, when stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once, my There was a Sunderland fan stepmother. Now since my with a really crappy seat at the new son is brother to my stepStadium of Light. Looking with mother, he also became my his binoculars, he spotted an uncle. empty seat on the halfway line. "As you know, my wife is my Thinking to himself "what a step grand-mother since she is waste" he made his way down my stepmother's mother. to the empty seat. (Don't forget that my stepWhen he arrived at the seat, he mother is my stepdaughter.) asked the man sitting next to it; Remember, too, that I am my "Is this seat taken?" The man wife's grandson. replied, "This was my wife's "But hold on just a few minutes seat. She passed away. She was more ... you see, since I'm mara big Sunderland fan." The ried to my step grand-mother, I 6

am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. "Now can you understand how I got put in this place?" A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN IRELAND ... You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programmes. In a rural programme for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter .... The interview was as follows: The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?" The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?" Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information ‌but what's the relation between

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this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?" Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?" Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?" Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day .... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?" The programme was never aired‌.

were protected by a bit of extra fat. "I'm not massive by any stretch of the imagination - I only weigh 13 stone. "But I do have a beer belly and they're saying that's what saved me. "I couldn't believe it when he said my beer belly saved me - all I could do was laugh. "I was laid up for three days in hospital. The knife just missed my spleen and other organs." The married father-of-two was rushed to hospital after the bloody attack. He threw customer out of his bar after he Beer belly saves bartender's life pulled a knife in an argument with another customer. A British bartender cheated death in a knife attack because his beer belly protected his vital Minutes later the customer returned with the knife and stabbed Mr Martin. organs, it was reported today. "He hit me and although I didn't feel anything at Doctors told Snaz Martin, 43, he was "almost first I then noticed the blood pumping out," Mr certainly" saved by his paunch after a boozy customer stabbed him with a three-inch blade. Martin said. The chubby landlord, who runs the Britannia Inn "The next thing was the ambulance came and I in Kent, South East England, told The Sun: "The was on my way to hospital." The customer was sentenced to four years in doctor said I could have died but my organs jail after pleading guilty to wounding with intent. Police branded him a "dangerous offender" and "significant threat" to the public. George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected; "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude." "Harriet, she's a prostitute." "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?" "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked; "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a 8

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hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." "Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said; "I just can't believe it!" George said; "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said; "See what you get for $25?"

hated Larry." With his last breath, he says; "I do." Patient: "Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people." Doctor: "Tell me about your problem." Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass!"

The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up." The doctor examines him and says; "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take 30 days and cost 12,000 dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost 30,000 dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife?" The next day the guy comes back into wife; "Can you give me one last wish?" She says, the doctor's office. The doctor says; "What did "Anything you want." He says; "After I die, will you decide?" He says; "We're going to re-do you marry Larry?" She says; "But I thought you the kitchen." The mortician calls Mrs. Banley, and says; "Excuse me Mrs. Banley, but I can't seem to close the lid to your husband's coffin because he has a huge erection." To which she replies; "Why don't you cut it off and stick it up his ass? That's the only hole in town it hasn't been in."

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Thanks to everyone who responded to ‘The Big Question’ in the last issue of The New Smuggler. We asked whose side you would take if war broke out between Spain and the UK over the ownership of Gibraltar. Out of many replies, we are pleased to announce that the winner was Keith, of Oliva, who said; “I don’t give a flying fuck who owns Gibraltar. Our brave young men and women — heroes all — have already colonised Ibiza, Benidorm, Malaga, Torrevieja, Torremolinos, Tenerife, large parts of Majorca and Menorca, and all of The Falklands (for now). Add to that Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland, and England is

already almost back to where it was with the Raj and the Commonwealth. So who needs some poxy rock that’s famous only for its wild monkeys, duty-free fags and a local Safeway, anyway?” So congratulations, Keith, you win a prize that is worthy of your contribution … sod all. But back to this month’s The Big Question. Given the quality of response (as typified by Keith’s), this month we pose a more relevant one, split into female and male, to make it easier and more relevant for our more intellectually challenged readers: Female Question: Who would you …? 1. Brad Pitt 2. George Clooney 3. Stephen Hawking Male Question: Who would you …? 1. Kylie 2. Danni 3. Subo Answers please, with a full graphic description of your imagined encounter, if possible, (photos if it was a real encounter — Ed!) to The New Smuggler. editor@thesmuggler.es and we will publish the best (ie, most smutty) in the May issue. Mr. Geraldo says to his doctor, "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with 12 of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing in a row." The psychiatrist says; "Now hold on, Mr. Geraldo. That doesn't sound so terrible." Mr. Geraldo says, "Oh, yeah? I was the third girl from the end."

There! I changed the fucking channel . Anything else you need while I’m up.

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A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' "She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved

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her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her; "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..." This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered; "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest woman he has ever seen, blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, let me get it for you... I didn't realise you had a prescription." Researcher: Excuse me madam, I'm conducting a survey. Woman: Yes, what is it about? Researcher: We are asking people what they think about sex on the television... Woman: Very uncomfortable, I would imagine! A guy phones the hospital. He says; "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labour!" The nurse says; "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says; "No! This is her fucking husband!"

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Once upon a time… This bloke is out on the lash with his 12 mates, celebrating, with a meal and a few bottles of wine. For some reason, the local authorities take exception to this and bribe one of the lads with 30 quid to grass the bloke up. So when the guys go for a walk in the beer garden after dinner, this bastard comes up and kisses him … the signal for the local cops to nick him. One of his mates tries to help, but the rest of the shitbags do a runner. The bloke is stripped and made to wear a purple dress, taken to court, found guilty, and sentenced to death. They force a crown of thorns onto his head, causing copious bleeding, and make him drag this heavy wooden cross up Crucifixion Street to the nearby hill. There they hammer nails into his feet and hands, raise the cross, and let him hang there dying- stabbing him in the side with a spear for good measure. The bloke cries out to his Dad, (the only person who can help), but even with all his influence, he doesn’t lift a finger. The bloke dies. His mates, gutted, decide this day should be remembered as GOOD Friday. Well, I wouldn’t want to be with them when they have a fucking Bad Friday, would you!

Bloody Americans In case you missed it, a recent survey of 5,000 globetrotting Brits confirms that Americans are the most attractive looking people in the world. In second place was Brazil, with Spain coming third. Germans came last (tee hee!), but if you’re Scottish don’t laugh too much … you’re only one place above them. A spokeswoman said; ''America has got a lot on offer and boasts some of the sexiest people on the planet. But with a population of more than 300 million, they do have an unfair advantage." Here’s the full list, so you can look yourself up – and take 13

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the piss out of everyone below you: 1. America 2. Brazil 3. Spain 4. Australia 5. Italy 6. Sweden 7. England 8. India 9. France 10. Canada 11. Mexico 12. Portugal 13. Wales 14. Russia 15. Japan 16. Ireland 17. Argentina 18. Netherlands 19. Scotland 20. Germany.

Zzzzzz! Following my exclusive revelation last month about the Atseis, comes the news that a snooze in the middle of the day dramatically boosts your brain power. Medical researchers have shown that the power naps favoured by Winston Churchill, Albert Einstein and Margaret Thatcher not only refresh the mind, but also make people smarter. They found that an hour’s siesta is enough to increase the brain's ability to learn new facts in the hours that follow. Psychologist, Dr Matthew Walker, said; 'Sleep not only rights the wrong of prolonged wakefulness but, at a neuro-cognitive level, it moves you beyond where you were before you took a nap.' Some of the most influential people on the planet were keen cat nappers. Lady Thatcher claimed she got by on just four hours of sleep each night but had a short sleep in the day, while Bill Clinton always took a 30-minute nap after lunch. Famous daytime dozers also include John F Kennedy, Ronald Reagan and Florence Nightingale. Many sleep researchers argue that the British habit of trying to stay awake from morning until night is inherently unhealthy. They point to countries such as Spain where most people traditionally go for a post-lunch siesta. Oh really? So where’s the list of famous Spanish thinkers and world leaders, matey? And anyway, I find one hangover per day is more than enough.

Well, what if 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th had instead been … 1nd, 2st, 3th, 4rd I bet you can’t pronounce them!

Fancy a grind, luv…? Dentists in the UK say there’s been a 20% increase in cases of damage caused by teethgrinding. ‘Bruxism’ as they call it, can be caused by stress, and they reckon the recession could be to blame for the rise in cases. Apparently the problem usually occurs during sleep, with partners often being woken by the teeth grinding noise. Personally, that’s not the sort of grinding sound I’m interested in, but if it stops the missus from talking in her sleep, that’s fine by me!

Jolly Rogering!

Figuratively speaking I've always been more of a 'words' man than a 'figures' man (36-24-36 apart!), but wouldn't it be funny if our numerology had developed differently. Eh, what, you ask! 14

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One Liners. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. How young can you die of old age? I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. I had some glasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! I intend to live forever. So far, so good. I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

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A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said; "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly; "You're gay - doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?" The guy said nervously; "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!" At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head; "No." A clerk came over and asked; "May I help you?" "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?" The pretty co-ed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation: the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked; "How did this happen?" I'll take care of him." "Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My "But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight." I've got the same symptoms he has." "Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both One day Little Susie got her period for the first up," replied the doctor. "Well," the man admittime in her life. Having failed to understand ted, " I think my wife now has it too." what was going on and being really frightened, "Bastard!" the physician roared. "That means she decided to share her trouble with little we've all got it!" Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's A woman with really hairy underarms boards a face grew serious and he said; "You know, I'm crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles not a doctor, but it looks like someone just for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man ripped your cock off!" next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her; "I love a woman that does aero"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient bics." The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!" The drunk man then looks at the told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman and says, "Then how did you get your woman he's screwed is our maid." "Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the leg up so high?" medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and 16

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A guy met this girl in a bar and asked; "May I buy you a drink?". Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies; "Okay, but it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks; "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay, but it still won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and she replies; "Okay, but it won't do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says; "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." She says; "Oh, that's different. Send her in." A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships. "Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counselled the therapist. So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the 17

streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon. When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read; "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of fucking shoes that fit you." A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering, by stating each letter out loud as he

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typed: P...E...N....I....S His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: **** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH *** Akmed the Arab came to UK from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: 'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.' Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?' The doctor said .... 'You were homesick'. An American tourist asks an Irish fisherman: "Why do Scuba Divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?" To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fookin' boat." Q. When is a Fairy not a Fairy? A. When she has her mouth round a Pixie’s dick then she’s a Goblin!!! When Britain was an empire it was ruled by an emperor. When it was a kingdom it was ruled by a king. Now it is a country is ruled by ... Gordon Brown. Two deaf lesbians walking down the road with their hands in each others knickers, Lip reading. I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, having a shit." Q. What’s a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common? A. Black coat, white collar and you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one! Do you realise that if the pilgrims had first shot a wild cat instead of turkey, we’d all be eating pussy for Christmas. Q. Why have Welsh farmers begun to wear kilts? A. Welsh sheep now recognise the sound of a zip.

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I had a wet dream about Cherie Bliar last night. She got hit by a bus and I pissed myself. A gynaecologist examines a lesbian and remarked; "Madam that is the cleanest vagina I have ever seen." She replied; "Thank you, I have a woman in twice a week!" If you receive an e-mail purporting to contain a nude photo of Susan Boyle DO NOT open it!! It contains a nude photo of Susan Boyle. What’s the difference between a woman and a mobile speed camera? On a woman you can see the twat behind the bush.

of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

One day a single mother was in Iceland in Bromley with her 4 kids. They were acting up. Real little brats. They were running around grabbing items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place. The mother grabbed hold of them and said; "I should have David Beckham at a manage- swallowed all of you!" ment seminar says: "I like them cos they make my A guy on a stag weekend in Benidorm goes into a Farmacia breath fresh" to buy condoms. The girl beThere’s stunned silence then hind the counter says, "What someone shouts: size?" "Tactics you thick twat!!!" He says, "I don't know." A very shy guy goes into a bar She holds up a finger and says, "That big?" and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour He says, "Bigger." Humpty Dumpty sat on a bed Little boo peep was giving him head As soon as he came she started to weep She knew from the taste he’d been fucking her sheep.

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She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?" He says, "Smaller?" She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it." She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium." A virgin guy on a stag weekend in Benidorm meets a hot girl on a hen weekend. She takes him back to her hotel room. She takes off her pants and her panties. He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?" She says, "It's my lower mouth." He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'" She says, "Just what I said, it's my lower mouth. It's got a moustache... It's got lips..." He asks, "Has it got a tongue?" She says, "Not yet. . ." A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

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Dear Auntie: I recently received one of those chain letters via email. It threatened that if I didn’t pass on the email to at least 100 people, my family and close friends would suffer an untimely death. I know it is probably a load of rubbish but I am very scared so I have passed it on to you. (Rose, Polop)

comes of the threats in them. In fact, some very famous people have stood up and denounced chain letters as absolute tosh. For example, pretty much most of the Kennedy family were opposed to them as was Lord Mountbatten, Princess Diana and more recently, of course, Michael Jackson.

Dear Auntie: Are all men vain, self-absorbed narcissists or is it just me who Auntie says: Cheers for that then! attracts them? I feel none of Actually, it is a well-known fact them are good enough for a that chain letters or emails are a hot chick like me and am thinkload of rubbish and nothing ever ing of giving up my hobby of going to the gym 6 hours a day in search of a more down to earth man. Any suggestions? (Leanne, Villajoyosa) Auntie says: I would definitely change the place you hang out – the gym tends to be full of dicks who can’t stop admiring themselves in the mirror. You are better off by setting your sights much lower. I suggest heading for a bar, say in 20

Benidorm, on a Saturday night. Here you can meet a more down-toearth, overweight, sweaty type with normal low self esteem. You will find these men aren’t so up their own saggy hairy arse-cracks as those gymy types. Dear Auntie: I went on a date with a bloke in Denia and we got on really well so when he asked if I wanted to go back to his place and see his body, I jumped at the chance. Imagine my surprise when we got back to his and he opened his wardrobe door and a dead body tumbled out! I didn’t like to be rude as he had bought the drinks all night so I stayed and had a shag anyway. Now I am wondering if I have given him the wrong message – ie that I think it is alright to kill people. What should I do? (Patty, Monte Pego) Auntie says: Get yourself back to the UK and get on Trisha or the Jeremy Kyle show or some other such shitey reality show. You will make a fucking mint! Dear Auntie: I fancy my bessie mate’s inter-

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net boyfriend. She has never met him but they seem very close. Me and her have been mates since we were 4 and grew up together. We tell each other everything but now I have fallen for her blokey. He types really well and seems very kind and considerate and caring and everything. I have never met him but I feel like I love him. What should I do? (Tess, Orcheta)

let’s face it, millions to choose from.

Dear Auntie: I am a singer in Benidorm and I know I look good, what with my fake tits and my cosmetic surgery and all. I have done lots of humiliating things for money (mostly naked) but what I need to know is that when I meet a new man, how do I know he is after me for my personality and not my Auntie says: It is very hard to looks? I have sent you a DVD choose between a life-long friend so you can see me for what I and a man you have never met, I am. know, but you must follow your (Naughty Nancy, Altea) heart in this – you have to take love where you can find it, I am Auntie says: Thanks for the DVD afraid. I would go for – I am sure – I had to spank my nephew and your friend will find another inter- lock him in a cupboard for doing net boyfriend soon. There are, unspeakable things while watch21

ing it. In the ensuing tussle, the DVD got slightly soiled. Could you send another one so I can have a proper look? PS. With reference to the letter to the Editor in Issue 1 of The New Smuggler last month about the 17 year old who grabbed the handbag of an 80-year-lady and ended up getting twatted by her handbag with a half brick hidden in it. All I can say is serves you right, you little prick. I knew that brick would come in handy one day. Next time you try it you will get my umbrella up your arse as well.

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.' Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets: 'Do you want to go to heaven?' The man said, 'I do, Father.' The priest said: 'Then stand over there against the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man: 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked: 'Do you want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said: 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said: 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said: 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said: 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?' Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!' 'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?' An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says: 'Sir, have you been drinking?' 'Just water,' says the priest. The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?' The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender: 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie. 'And how did this one end?' 'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'she came to Paddy was in New York. me on her hands and knees.' He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic 'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped What did she say?' the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestri- She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you ans!' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. fucking chicken.' He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. Mick staggered home very late after another 22

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evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Mick sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of BandAids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Mick woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Mick said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

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'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ... it's all those BandAids stuck on the hall mirror. A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there , boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps says again in

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a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little bastard's name is Kevin." A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty and was leaving his Mission in Africa where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realises that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.' The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, lifts his spear and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike! " One afternoon three elderly ladies were sitting around a table enjoying tea. 24

One woman said to the others: "You know, sometimes I find myself in front of the fridge with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, and can't remember if I am supposed to put it away or make a sandwich." Another woman chimed in saying: "You know, I have the same problem ... sometimes I find myself at the stairway landing and can't remember if I'm going up or coming down." The third woman proclaimed: "Well, I'm glad I don't have your problems - knock on wood. She rapped her knuckles on the table three times and said: "Oh!, that must be the door, I'll get it!" It has been brought to our attention that some jokes in this magazine are mildly offensive. Time permitting we will review them all and remove those which we deem to be insufficiently offensive. In the meantime we hope that the large quantity of utter filth will offer some recompense.

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Why do the ladies love Jesus? Dude was hung like THIS. An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. "Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter. "I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man. St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!" What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up the picture. Jesus walks into a motel, gives the innkeeper three giant nails and asks, "Can you please put me up for the night?" Did you know that after the crucifixion, Jesus pretty much lost his sweet tooth? The M&Ms kept falling through the holes in his hands. What did Jesus say when they removed his hands from the cross? *waves arms frantically* GET THE FEET!! Jesus finds a small crowd who has surrounded a young woman they believed to be a prostitute. They are preparing to stone her to death. To diffuse the situation, Jesus says: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone." Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picks up a rock and scores a direct hit on the woman's head, breaking her skull and rendering her dead on the spot. Jesus frowns and looks over at the old lady: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off." Why wouldn't Jesus be good on a hockey team? He'll get nailed to the boards. That and the illegal headgear. Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel 25

"Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?" "Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man." "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..." "Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus. "Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man. Say "What's this ???" while you hold your palm up to your mouth and make biting gestures. ... Jesus biting his nails .... To paraphrase Bill Hicks: "Yeah I said that joke a month ago and these guys come up to me. 'Hey BUDDY! I don't think that's funny. I'm a Christian.'

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Hull City Manager Refuses To Give Up Fight New Hull City manager Iain Dowie has refused to give up the fight to keep his beleaguered Tigers in the Premier League, and says that there is always hope, even after it has become mathematically impossible. Dowie, who dropped out of school at the age of 11 to become a chimney sweep, was speaking during an interview on Radio Humberside, and told presenters: "We'll not give up the fight. Even when we are going into the last game needing 15 points to stay up, it's never over till the fat lady sings." As a fat lady was heard to be singing in the background, Dowie added: "Someone shut the fat bird up. I'm an expert at taking clubs down from the Premier League, so I should know what's required." Iain Dowie lost his teeth in a 'grass cutting incident' aged 6.

Dowie after Portsmouth game.

Bobby Charlton On Capello's Short List - So Is Keegan Bobby Charlton has been told by England Manager Fabio Capello to "get jogging" as the 'crisis' surrounding David Beckham's injury intensifies. England desperately need a player who can last 5 minutes and turn a game. The worried football boss has also sent text messages to Kevin Keegan, Glen Hoddle and Paul Gasgoigne advising them that they could be called upon to strengthen his World Cup Squad. "We need a player who can basically last the final 5 minutes of a game - someone who can maybe, if needed, perfrom a miracle from a dead ball situation - there is no guarantee he will play or be needed - but my squad requires a famous face!" Charlton, 92, is reported to be practising free kicks in the garden of his Manchester Old people's home where he shares a room with brother Nobby Stiles. Meanwhile Keegan has ordered his wife to find a box marked 'Kev's Boots' that he thinks may be in the attic. 26

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remained stoic with one eye on the bigger picture. One idiot hit the nail on the head by saying: "It's John Terry answered his critics last night with a disappointing, but while Internazionale march sterling show of sportsmanship following on to the quarter finals, at least we'll be spared Chelsea's Champions League exit. the sight of John Terry falling on his arse while English hearts once again swelled with pride as missing a penalty and then crying like a great big the role model insisted on voraciously congirl having cost us the game, like last time we gratulating all four match officials in some detail got the final." and at length, when the final whistle blew. The former England captain seemed proud to carry on this wonderful club tradition on the rare occasions that Chelsea lose as several of his team mates formed an orderly queue behind him. The Stamford Bridge faithful - some of whom have been supporting the club for weeks - were seen leaving the stadium with several minutes to go, seemingly unable to cope with the scale of the impending gentlemanly conduct that would doubtlessly unfold. The Blue Army were obviously upset at their team's exit from the competition but some fans

John Terry - True sportsman

â‚Ź119,000.00

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Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality. Whispering.... Dave. Dave. Dave.... Dave.... you're a vet. Gordon is the shepherd I did not want He leadeth me beside the still factories He restoreth my faith in the Conservative Party He guideth me in the path of

unemployment for his Party's sake Yea, though I walk through the valley of the breadline I shall fear no hunger for his bailouts are with me. He has anointed my income with taxes, My expenses runneth over. Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life And I will live in a rented home forever. I am glad I am British I am glad that I am free. But I wish I was a dog and Gordon was a tree. Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!" What a woman says... This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor

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and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can What a man hears... put a bag over her head when blah blah blah blah blah they have sex. C'MON! About a year later, the guy YOU AND I blah blah blah buys an original Van Gogh and blah! he's about to hang it on the blah blah blah blah ON THE wall. FLOOR blah He climbs a ladder and yells to blah blah NO CLOTHES blah his wife, "Bring me a hammer." blah blah blah She mumbles, "Get the hamblah blah blah RIGHT NOW! mer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the offi- The guy says, "Get me some cer approaches the car he can nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. see that the man is very anxGet the nails," and she gets him ious about something. some nails. "Good afternoon Sir. Do you The guy starts hammering a nail know why I stopped you?" into the wall, he hits his thumb, "Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of and he yells, "Fuck!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. life or death." Get the bag." "Oh, really? How's that?" "There's a naked woman waitCharlie was ing for me at home." "I don't see how that is a mat- visiting an old friend and his ter of life or death." "If I don't get home before my wife for dinner. When the time wife does, I'm a dead man." came to leave, his car wouldn't A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my start, and it was daughter, I'll make you a part- too late to call the local service ner, give you an expense acstation. count, a Mercedes, and a milThe husband lion dollar annual salary." urged Charlie to The guy says, "What's wrong stay over. There with her?" The boss shows him a picture, was no spare bed in the house; and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's only fair to there wasn't even a sofa. So tell you, she's not only ugly, Charlie would she's as dumb as a wall." The guy says, "I don't care what have to sleep you offer me, it ain't worth it." with the husband and wife. The boss says, "I'll give you a 31

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake him up now." "I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he? "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him." Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her. When he

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finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs. The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Christ’s sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book. "Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live in the New Town,” he answered, and then resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, the Saturday morning I got up early, put on my lady persisted. "Do you like pussycats?" long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, With that, the man threw his book down, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both to hook the boat up to the truck, and protheir swimsuits and gave her the most passionceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. ate shag of her life! There was snow mixed with the rain and the As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the gasped and asked the man, "How did you know garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that that was what I wanted?" the weather would be bad throughout the day. The man replied, "How did you know my name I went back into the house, quietly undressed, was Katz?" and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipa- A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people tion, and whispered, "The weather out there is who have all had experiences with the superterrible," she sleepily replied, natural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?" "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fish- Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: ing in that shit." "Who here has spoken with a ghost?" Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here A husband and wife and their two sons are has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd watching TV. She looks at her husband and puts up their hands. He asks: "And who here winks at him, he gets the message and says, has made love with a ghost?" One little man in "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going the back row puts up his hand... The psychiaup to our room for a little while." trist looks down from the podium at the little Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents have made love with a ghost?" The man replies, bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you cortrots downstairs, gets his little brother and rectly. I thought you said 'goat'." takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in This recovering alcoholic is down town to mind this is the same woman who smacked our pick up his income tax return. He passes by a asses just for sucking our thumbs." bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife A recently widowed lady, was sitting on a will leave me". He makes a promise to himself beach towel in Benidorm. She looked up and to only have a couple beers and then leave. noticed that a man her age had walked up, Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. 32

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Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone". The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy "It's not that bad. You can get out of this." The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says "Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you. Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt." The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you." The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out." The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk." She says " Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt." He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself" She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a $10 bill" He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too". A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vaca34

tion. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look". Whispering under her breath, the wife says "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!" Husband replies, "You're right, lets go to the beach." After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. "Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!" Embarrassed, the husband admits "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me." The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay."

midget at that!" She replied, "My dearest husband, the love of my life, do you not believe me, do you not see, do you not understand? I am tapering off." Two men are sitting in the doctor's office. The one looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?" The man replied "I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?" The other man said, "I have a green ring around my pecker." The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and examined him. As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem. The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examined him. The doctor says, "Your pecker is gonna fall off and you are gonna die". The man says, "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??" The doctor said, "Yes but there's a lot of difference lipstick and gangrene!"

Three Spanish nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly The couple had been married Gates, they are met by St. Pefor twenty years. It was a ter. He says "Sisters, you all led happy, wonderful marriage, such wonderful lives that I'm except that the wife was very granting you six months to go unfaithful. The husband finally back to earth and be anyone got so tired of her unfaithfulyou want to be." ness that he made her promise The first nun says, "I want to to never again be untrue to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* him. One day he came home she's gone. and found her in bed with a The second says, "I want to be midget. He cried out, "My wife, Madonna;" and *poof* she's my love, after you made all gone. those promises, I find you in The third says, "I want to be bed with another man, and a Sara Pipalini."

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St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months." A fellow went off on his honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend for a beer and conversation. The friend, being single and a pervert to boot, begins to inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon. "So, Bob, big married man, did you get any while you were out there?" the friend asks. Bob just shakes his head. "Ah, you know me. I like to fish. So I just fished." His friend gasps. "You mean you didn't have any sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at least got a blowjob!" Bob again shakes his head. "No, she had pyorrhea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish." His friend replies, "Bob, she's your god damn wife! She's got to give it up when you say! You should have just made her do it!" Bob replies, "Nah, she had gonorrhea, and you know me. I like to fish, so I just fished." His friend, now quite upset, says, "What?! Why didn't you just poke it up her ass?" "Well," says Bob, "she had diahorrea...and you know me, I like to fish. So I just fished." His friend, totally exasperated by this point, shouts at him, "Jesus! Why'd you marry this sick bitch anyway?!" Bob replies, "Well, she got worms, and you know how I like to fish..."

or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.” Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says. The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy "What about you?". "Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor She married and had 13 children. Her husapartment, killing him instantly. Brought before band died. She married again and had 7 more the court on the charge of murder, she was children. Again, Her husband died. But, she re- asked if she had anything to say in defence of married and this time had 5 more children. Alas, herself. "Your Honour," she began coolly, "I she finally died. figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed fly." for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together”. One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second 35

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My cousin is also my husband… ANNAPOLIS, Maryland — A Maryland state legislator says it's time to ban marriages between first cousins and stop playing what he calls ‘genetic roulette’ with their offspring. Henry Heller, a Democratic delegate, says he wants to bring Maryland ‘into the enlightened world of other states such as West Virginia and Arkansas’ that already prohibit unions of first cousins. Heller is a retired special education administrator. He says couples who are first cousins are at an increased risk of having a child with birth defects. His Bill would make an exception for people who are over age 65 or infertile. Heller says he has ‘no problem’ with those couples if they want the companionship. There are 24 states that prohibit marriage between first-cousins.

Pretty lolly! ALLISON PARK, Pennsylvania — A Pittsburgh woman is suing Bank of America, claiming it wrongfully repossessed her home and saying that a bank contractor trashed the house and took her parrot. Forty-six-year-old Angela Iannelli sued Bank of America in Allegheny County, claiming that her mortgage payments were on time when the contractor damaged furniture, took 36

her pet parrot and padlocked the door to her home. The suit seeks unspecified damages, and Bank of America declined to comment. Iannelli's attorney says she suffered irreparable emotional damage and is afraid to set foot in the house. The lawsuit says she eventually regained possession of the bird, named Luke.

How to die happy PITTSFIELD, Massachusetts — A Western Massachusetts funeral home is trying ‘bring life’ to business with a chilli cook-off, a murder-mystery show and free limo rides to couples on their 50th anniversaries. Terry Probst, managing partner of the DevannyCondron Funeral Home in Pittsfield, hopes the events will remind people that the funeral home is a ‘centre for community life’. He said if customers know that the funeral home also can be the setting for other, happier activities, they might take some comfort in the place later when dark times come. Among other other events sponsored by the funeral home are an art walk, a visit by the Easter Bunny, and monthly birthday cakes to the Pittsfield Senior Center.

Bitter, dear? ASHLAND, Oregon — "How do you want beer companies to acknowledge you?" beer enthusiast and educator Ginger Johnson asked a room full of women gathered for the first Women Enjoying Beer event at Standing Stone Brewing Company in Ashland. "Not in a bikini!" called out Standing Stone Coowner Danielle Amarotico, referring to ubiquitous beer ads that feature scantily clad women. Ashland resident Sheila Jarvis criticized a com-

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mercial she saw where a woman finished playing tennis and then reached for a lite beer. "I find it distasteful when they imply that all active women want a low-carb beer," Jarvis said. "I'm like, 'Who is that woman?' Because I don't know any!" Women at the event said they drink beer for its taste, as a break from wine, because it goes well with food, for the social aspect and to get a beer ‘buzz’. "I don't know many women who drink PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon) or Bud Light. Life's too short to drink bad beer," said Daly Bull-Germo of Medford. Johnson said that when she learned that only 25 percent of women drink beer, she saw an opening to launch her Women Enjoying Beer organisation 18 months ago. She hopes the kickoff event at Standing Stone will mark the creation of a local chapter that will have regular get-togethers to learn more about beer. Johnson recently settled in Ashland after completing a 15,000-plus mile cross country tour of breweries with her husband, new Standing Stone Head Brewer Larry Chase. Johnson said the men she met in the brewing community are not the ones doing the marketing that demeans women. "They don't care about your gender," she said. "They're not the ones saying, 'Here, honey. Have a light beer.'" Johnson said women need to let the beer industry know what they want, whether the issue is taste or the use of organic ingredients.

Cop that! LAS CRUCES, New Mexico— A mad emu gave deputies a Texas-sized hard time. El Paso authorities say the big bird was running loose, snarling rush-hour traffic near Interstate 10 and attacking deputies trying to restrain it. Deputies with the El Paso County Sheriff’s Office tried to prevent the tall, flightless bird from running into traffic. But when deputies neared the emu, it became aggressive and slashed one deputy’s trouser leg. The deputy was not seriously injured, but the emu died mysteriously as it was being transported to an animal shelter. 37

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A husband and wife are travelling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. "But sir," the managers says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. cure your headaches. The bad news is that it Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregwill require castration. You have a very rare nant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the condition, which causes your testicles to press 38

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on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

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A young couple were on their way to Las Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. "If you want to cancel the wedding, then I'll understand," she said. The guy remarked, "I don't mind that you're flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway." Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because he is just like a baby below the waist. The girl remarked, "I don't mind that like a baby below the waist, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway." And so, the happy couple went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes. True to her word, she is as flat as a washboard. Then, the guy took off

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his clothes. After one glance at his naked body, the girl fainted and fell to From last month in The New Smuggler; "I, Peter P. Head, hereby éclair that the floor. my mothy article for The Wen Sluggrem will be written during the process When she regained conof getting scotch-faced on shit and beer. I make no promise of the cnutent, sciousness, the guy said, "I because I havenit a glue what it will be. Signed – Peter P. Head." told you before we got married, so why were you Dear Reader, so surprised?" As I promised last month, this experimental column was designed to "You told me it was just be written while I have a drink or two – or more – to see what oclike a baby." The guy recurs. plied, "It is! 8 pounds and At the moment, I am nearly sober. 21 inches long!" I had intended to start toetilly sober, as the rules suggest, but at 9 o’clock this morning I bumped into my Spanish pumbler in a local A famous pilot was havfaceteria, and he advised me that it would be norman to have a few ing dinner with a brunette beers, share a bottle of vino tonto, take an Anis or two, and a café and when they finished con randy. they headed to a hotel. He He said twat would be OK, particularly as food was also taken, in the calls room service and form of some peasunts, a few gherkins and a handful of olivia’s, the asked for a bottle of red last of which I very much enjoyed! wine. When it arrived he But now I am beginning to fool the effects, and I wonder what it was put some red wine on the that I wanted to say to you this moth…. brunette’s lips and started Oh, I know! kissing her. She asks what I wanted to tell you about my sex wife. Or was it my sex life? Or my the red wine is for and he sixth wife? Or my ex-wife? replies, "For when I have Two bee honest, I cnat remember, but ‘my sex wife’ sounds more red meat - I have red interesting. wine." "Oooohh" she says. Have ewe herd about those sex maniacs? Well she’s one of them. A little while later the She has a ttilly one-track mind; she never lez me get a pilot jumps back onto the momentse sloop, witch meens I’m phone and orders some buggered for the rest of the day. white wine. It arrives moLickily, she likes ‘a’, so she’s buggered too! ments later, he splashes it Having sod that, we love each other so much that if one of us dyed, on her rack and starts the other one would be very blue. kissing her tits. She asks Come to think of it, we would both be blue! what the white wine is for Any way (witch is our motto!), as I said on our wedding day; “I Peter and he replies, "For when I P. Head, take you for my bedded wife. For bitcher or poorer; in sick- have white meat - I have ness and in wealth; earth to earth, hashish to hashish; dust to dust...” white wine." Eventually he See you next month. God willy. works his way down to I need another drink. her pussy, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a Peter P. Head match, sprinkles it on her muff and lights it on fire. "Aaahhhhhhh, why the fuck did you do that!?!" The pilot replies, "For when I go down, I want to

Message from a Bottle

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each night. One night before they give each other anal one of the guys has to go to the toilet. So the other guy says "okay but don't wank in there, save it for later." and the first guy agrees. This guy was in the toilet for a while so the other gay guy decides to check on him. Once he opens the toilet door he sees lots of seamen everywhere. He gets angry and yells "I thought I told you not to wank and to save it for later!" to the first gay guy. The first gay guy replies "I didn't wank, I just farted."

go down in flames." A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?" The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?" Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I 41

could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!" There were these two gay guys that give each other anal

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W

W: Hello Gordon and David, why are you in the Costa Blanca? GM & DC (as one): Good morning Wendy. How nice of you to invite us to be interviewed. You’re absolutely lovely, and I am fully committed to helping the expat Brits in Spain to live healthy, wealthy and wise lives here in the paradise they have chosen. Oh yes. WW: That’s interesting. You both answered with exactly the same sound-bite. So it must be true that there’s nothing to choose between your two parties? GM & DC (as one): Of course there’s a big difference. It’s all about choice… WW: … so when the expats here exercise their right to a postal vote in the General Election, they have two clear options; as different as black and white? GM: Definitely black, Wendy. New Labour are determined to give equal opportunities to everyone, no matter what their colour, creed, sexual orientation, jobless status, or where they choose to live! DC: Definitely white, Wendy. The Tories stand up for traditional British values, the traditional British family of white, ruling class voters, and also white, working class voters in marginal seats. If we can find any. And, may I add, the traditional British all-day breakfast for 2 Euros. WW: OK. So what will you be doing here on the Costa Blanca? Gordon first, please. GM: It’s very simple, Wendy. We are very concerned about the way the Spanish authorities have treated the expats – some say that the Brits abroad are being singled out by the police and planning authorities, and being screwed for every penny that they have…. DC: … every penny that they used to have, before your shite Government destroyed all their savings, their investment income, their exchange rate and their pensions …. WW: Stop now! Gentlemen, I am beginning to see why people have lost all trust in politics and politicians and, indeed, why so many Brits have move to Spain to escape from this sort of nonsense. GM: With the greatest respect, Wendy, the British people would still have the utmost respect for us politicians if it were not for the bent and twisted stories that the Tory-owned tabloid newspapers peddle every day. They never give up, picking on me and my Government, and saying that we’ve destroyed the country, while everyone with half a brain realises that we are the only choice for the future. DC: The only black choice, you mean. WW: Err, so to get away from the colour analogy, how do you both plan to attract expat votes? GM: Firstly, my friend Peter Mandelbum is going to apply pressure on the Spanish government to give the Brits a fair crack of his whip. He’s going to ask them to start speaking English, stop fining the Brits for silly motoring offences, give them back their free healthcare, and stop demolishing their homes.

Here, in our monthly series of interviews with the stars visiting the Costa Blanca, Wendy Woodson, Chief Interviewer with The New Smuggler talks to none other than UK General Election hopefuls Gordon Moron and David Camesecond.

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DC: Fuck off, Gordon! Mandelbum knows very well that you’ve given all your power to Brussels, and there’s no way that you can make one centimo’s worth of difference to the poor expats who deserted our once wonderful country because of the crisis that you caused. WW: So what will you do instead, David? DC: We’ll promise to do everything except what Gordon promises. WW: Such as? DC: We’re going to pressurise the Spanish government to give Brits on the Costa Blanca a daily rubbish collection; excellent healthcare; effective police; first class schools; low taxes; beautiful weather; cheap food, beer and cigarettes; long holidays; fiestas; good roads; and aesthetically pleasing roundabouts. GM: Don’t be so stupid. That’s fucking impossible. WW: Err, thank you both. Do you have a favourite character who you would like Wendy to interview for The New Smuggler? Email wendy@thesmuggler.es

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Idiot 1 Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Idiot 2 A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him..

The Smuggler Awards For April.

Idiot 3 I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door UNlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" I said "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue as to what had just happened.....

Idiot 5

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was Idiot 4 necessary to compare the signature on the A couple of months ago. I was checking out at credit card with the signature I just signed on the local Iceland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it She carefully compared that signature to the 44

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one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Idiot 6 R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-yearold armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

Idiot 7 Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

The Smuggler. Beware of cheap paper Imitations!

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The Quiet Spaniard Last month in our new writing competition, we introduced Pablo, The Quiet Spaniard, and invited you to contribute to his story. You decide what life to create for him; what happens next, why, where, and with whom. Each month we will print the best submission, and the author will win a free year’s subscription to The New Smuggler. Thanks to everyone who had a go at writing Chapter Two - and congratulations to Afelia Crutch of Magnum’s Bar, Oliva, who is this month’s winner. At the end of Chapter One, Pablo had just left a bar; not knowing that Maria was waiting outside with a carving knife. Afelia took up the story...

Chapter Two

P

ablo had met the stunningly beautiful Maria some time ago. One balmy evening he could hear the cheers and stomping of the dancers in the distance so ambled along to see what the attraction was. Stumbling across the small square where the bonfires burned and crackled, people stood shoulder to shoulder, standing on tippy toes to get a better view. There she was, her beautiful long raven hair flicking in the wind around her tiny waist, her brown almond eyes twinkled as she danced, her long and slender legs stomping beneath her ruffled skirts, her body trembling with excitement. She soaked up the attention from the admiring eyes feasting on her. She was fresh, a virgin ripening into a young woman. She had noticed him straight away, his hat tilted to the side, those deep penetrating eyes fixed on hers and hers only, the Quiet Spaniard in the corner. Every now and again holding his eyes with hers, then that slight smile on her lips, teasing him, oh she knew he wanted her … and she wanted him! The young chicos crowded around her in their

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tight t-shirts, too tight trousers hugging their offerings! The Quiet Spaniard knew she was ready for the taking, he knew she wanted an experienced tender lover who could take her to dizzy heights. He felt the stirrings tight in his pants and the beatings of his thoughts closed inside his head. He was turned on like an electronic pulse. The fires had now died down to glowing ember, there was just the sound of low murmurings, she slowly pushed through the crowd towards him, he ordered her an anis, it had always worked for him before. She downed it in one, her eyes not leaving his, hot fire was now burning in her eyes. Gently taking her hand he led her up the lonely path to the castle, carefully flicking away all the dog shit, he laid her down, reaching between her skirts.... * Now he had heard she was going to marry someone else, someone who drank in that very bar! Why? How it hurt, she was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. When he had heard she was about to be married, he´d left town unable to deal with his feelings. But now

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he had returned … he was back … the Quiet Spaniard! Little did he know he had left her with child … little did he know what fate was awaiting him. * As he turned from the bar he thought he heard a noise. He stopped and listened intently, straining his eyes and ears. All of a sudden something hit him hard across the back and shoulders; something blunt and heavy knocking him to the ground. As he hit the cold stones, he turned his head, he heard a noise and there she was, Maria, hiding in the shadows, he could just see the glinting from the blade of the carving knife. She backed into the doorway, she looked petrified. He heard heavy breathing, not his breathing, not her breathing … then whose breathing? He heard the sound of heavy shoes running away from him moments before he blacked out into total darkness.... Afelia Crutch Magnums Bar, Oliva Congratulations Afelia! But what happens next? Get writing and send your contribution of about 500 words to editor@thesmuggler.es. The Quiet Spaniard will return next month … or will he? One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defence of herself. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly." A middle aged couple went to a spouse swapping party. They met a Martian couple and thought it would be nice to switch partners for the night. So they went off with the opposite spouse. When the woman saw the male martians' penis she said "Well that's nice but it's kind of short isn't it?" Well the martian reached up and patted his head. While he did that his penis got longer and longer. The woman saw 49

that and said "That's nice but it's not very fat is it?" The martian reached up and pulled on his ears. As he was doing that his penis got fatter and fatter. The women had a grand time that night. In the morning the man and woman were comparing their experience. The woman said "I really enjoyed myself, we should swap again." The man said "I enjoyed it too but, I just can't figure out why she kept patting my head and pulling my ears!" Darren marries this girl, and they go on their honeymoon. He leaves the room the first night to go down to the lobby to get a pack of cigarettes. When he gets back, his bride is lying on the bed naked fucking one of the bellhops. Another one is under her, getting her in the ass. She's sucking off the desk clerk, and she's jerking off a cab driver and the dishwasher. Darren

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screams, "What the fuck are all these jerk-offs doing in here?" She says, "Well, you always knew I was a flirt."

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

A guy's eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone. He calls over his waiter and says, "Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne, on me." The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says, "Ma'am, this is from the gentleman over there." She says to the waiter, "Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants." The waiter delivers the message, and the guy says, "Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, three million dollars in the bank, but I haven't even met her...so why the fuck would I cut off four inches?" An 85-year-old husband and wife decide to take a road trip. She drives because she can see Three very macho mice are standing around and he rides because he can hear. trying to outdo each other. The first mouse After travelling for a while, they get pulled over says, "You know those little pellets they put out by a State Trooper. She rolls down her window around the house trying to poison us? I love and the cop says "I need to see your drivers those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second license and vehicle registration please." The mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? woman turns to her husband and shouts Well, you know those mousetraps they put out "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The husband replies, to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE AND REGISgrab the cheese, and then flip over onto my TRATION!" back, and when the steel bar comes swinging The woman gives the documents to the officer down I grab it and do bench presses with it." and after studying her license the cop says, "Oh, The third mouse says, "You guys are really a you're from Chicago. I've been there. Actually, couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep the worse piece of ass I ever had was in Chihangin' out with you here, but I gotta go fuck cago!" The woman turns to her husband and the cat." shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?" And the husband replies, "HE SAYS HE A funeral service is being held for a woman KNOWS YOU!" who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket A couple's taking a walk, and as they walk out when they accidentally bump into a wall, hand-in-hand, the guy starts to get aroused. jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They He's just about to get frisky when she says, "I open the casket and find that the woman is ac- hope you don't mind, but I have to take a pee." tually alive! She lives for ten more years, and He says, "Sure, go behind the hedge." She disapthen dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and pears behind the hedge, and as he waits, he at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carry- hears the sound of her jeans being rolled down ing out the casket. As they carry the casket her legs and imagines her exposed fanny. He towards the door, the husband cries out: can't contain himself, so he reaches through a "Watch that fucking wall!" gap in the hedge and touches her leg. Then he 50

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www.helpforheroes.org.uk

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moves his hand up her thigh until he finds himself gripping something long and thick between her legs. He says, "My God, Mary, did you change your sex?" She says, "No, I changed my mind. I'm taking a shit instead."

cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!" She said, "Why are you going to die??" He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!!"

There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing. His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!" On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt." He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!" She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips. He began to

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Smuggler Factoids Bollocks The word "testis" dates from the Latin meaning to bear witness. In ancient Rome, only men could bear witness or testify in a public forum. In order to show importance to their testimony, they would hold their testicles as they spoke. Ouch! Earwigs (Order Dermaptera) got their name from the myth that they climb into people's ears and lay their eggs or tunnel into the brain. Earwigs also have two penises! Both are larger than its body and if it needs the second one just in case one of them snaps off. Aargh! Never take a piss in the water if you’re swimming in the Amazon and Oranoco Rivers of South America. A fish called Candiru or Carnero is attracted by urine smell and it can insert it self into the penis or vagina while urinating. The penis fish then lodges itself in the urinary tract with its spines, and uses its mouth for feeding by sucking the blood. It is almost impossible for the fish to survive inside the human body, but removal is extremely hard due to the spines. If problem is not treated it can result in removal of the genitals.

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Biblical effort… The Bible was written over a period of 1600 years, and has been translated into more than 1200 languages and dialects. It is the bestselling book of all time. Translation into English was completed in 1388.

is the heart beat or frequency of the Earth. Since its discovery, until 1986, this heart beat frequency was constant 7.8 Hertz per second. But from 1986 it started to rise dramatically and in 1998 it was reported to be 10 hertz per second. On the other hand, the Look you boyo! magnetics of the earth are In Wales there is a village dropping dramatically and it is calledLlanfairpwllgwyngyllexpected they will reach zero gogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio point in 2012. gogogoch, which in English means "Saint Mary's Church in So you're a senior citizen! the hollow of white hazel near The government says no a rapid whirlpool and the healthcare for you, what do Church of Saint Tysilio near you do? the red cave." The locals call it Our plan gives anyone of 65 Llanfairpwll. Llanfairpwllgwyn- years or older a gun and four gyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysi bullets. You are allowed to liogogogoch.com is the longest shoot two lawyers and two single word .com domain name politicians. in the world. Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you Maya, maybe not… will get three meals a day, a The Maya people were masters roof over your head, and all of mathematics and kept track the health care you need! New of time using three separate teeth, no problem. Need calendars. For predictions glasses, great. New hip, knees, about the beginning and end of kidney, lungs, heart? All covthe world they used the Long ered. Count calendar. On December And who will be paying for all 21st 2012, the Long Count will of this? The same government be at the point zero which that just told you that you are Maya predicts as the end of too old for health care. Plus, time and beginning of the new because you are a prisoner, world. The Mayas were very you don't have to pay any inaccurate in their predictions come taxes anymore. and they foresaw invasions on their soil and the World Wars. BBC demotes Prince Harry Prince Harry's death will no Countdown longer trigger an automatic 2012 is expected to be year of interruption of BBC progreat positive change. It is not grammes, but Prince William's the end of the world! In 1899 will, a British newspaper has something was identified called reported. Schumann Cavity Resonance. It The BBC has downgraded

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Prince Harry along with Princess Anne, Princes Andrew and Edward, and Prince Edward's wife, the Countess of Wessex. They had been on a list known as Category 2, which meant the news of their deaths would have followed specific guidelines, including news flashes and documentaries. However, the category has been abolished and a new protocol has been drawn up, The Mail on Sunday reports. The Category 1 list, which includes the Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Charles and Prince William, remains unchanged. If they die, there will be an immediate interruption of all BBC programs. Prince Harry now appears in a new list that includes the Pope, Muhammad Ali, Barack Obama, Nelson Mandela, Gordon Brown and Bob Dylan. Their deaths are to be regarded as "major breaking news stories with coverage on merit", according details of the new BBC protocol seen by The Mail on Sunday.

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ALL GLADYS WANTED TO HEAR WAS JIM SAY “I LOVE YOU”. ALL JIM WANTED TO HEAR WAS HIS BALLS SLAPPING AGAINST HER ARSE.

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An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realise you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?" "I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied his patient, "I'll come back when you are sober." After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied; "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the exhaust." The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team’s performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favoured to win nationals easily. Penelope, a 16-yearold hurdler visits her coach and says; "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." "What?" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?" She replies; "Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you about." In a mental institution a nurse walks into a 56

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room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him; "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied; "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks; "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says; "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself. Shocked, she asks; "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says; "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!" The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I'm not that kind!" "Actually, I've never tried to kiss a model before," he protested. "Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?" "Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase."

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A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that shit for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!" The limousine was taking the beautiful, ravenhaired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tyre went flat. The model said; "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?" The driver said; "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tyre, but couldn't get the wheel cover off.

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his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're ugly!" The wife was as mad as shit because instead of "beautiful," it was now "ugly." She said; "What happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!" A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. “Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. “Well,” the surgeon responded, "they're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed." The model saw him struggling and asked; "Do you want a screwdriver?" He said; "Sure! But, first I have to change this tyre."

Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch A man and woman are at a bar having a few watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill beers. They start talking and soon realise they're spied his prize bull shagging one of his cows. He both doctors. After an hour, the man says; sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? and figured the omens were right for him to put No strings attached." The woman doctor agrees the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and to it. They go back to her place and he goes in whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and doing what that bull is doing." "Well then, why starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into don't you?" Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 fucking cow." minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says; "You're They finally released the ingredients in Viagra: a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes," says the woman, 3% Vitamin E, 2% Aspirin, 2% Ibuprofen, 1% Vi"how did you know?" "I could tell by the way tamin C, 5% Spray Starch, 87% Fix-A-Flat. you scrubbed up before we started," he says. "That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an The tour bus travelling through northern Neanaesthetist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you vada passed briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near know?" asks the man. The woman replies; Sparks. The guide noted; "We are now passing "Because I didn't feel a thing." the largest house of prostitution in America." A male passenger shouted; "WHY?!?" A man was just waking up from the anaesthetic after surgery, and his wife was sitting by According to archaeologists, for millions of 58

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years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman were. A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents. She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator. "And finally", she said, "I do thank my new parents-in-law for giving us such a beautiful perky copulator"

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him

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and said; "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead." Husband: Ohhh, you are wonderfully tight tonight darling! Wife: Get that big hairy thing out of my navel! At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously. He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. “Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly. "Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

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English Definitions for the Dyslexic Antelope (v): to run off with your mother’s sister. Baptist (n): a junior hamburger chef. Circumstantial (n): circumcision on a really big baby. Defence (n): something to sit on for people who can’t make up their minds. Dictator (n): hilariously shaped, edible tuber. Diversion (n): Princess of Wales' version of the events that led to her divorce. Gastronome (n): small person prone to excess wind. Hatchet (n): small, bird droppings that fall from the sky. Hormone (n): the sound a prostitute makes when she's not been paid. Homophobe (n): strong dislike of The Simpsons. Induction (n): induced labour in a duck. Intercontinental (n): person who has wet themselves all over the world.

Laminate (v): to artificially inseminate a sheep. Lobster (n): colloquial term for a female who ejaculates during orgasm. Mastiff (n): mass erections induced by watching pornography. Minjita (n) (slang): an Indian lesbian. Mislay (n): a brazen or promiscuous young woman. Multilingual (n): engaging in cunnilingus with multiple partners. Ostentatious: make and model of a pre-war British luxury car. Portent (n): The Millennium Dome. Rapscallion (n): Black, American spring onion. Reflex (v): renew wiring to an electrical appliance. Skulduggery (n): archaeological excavation. Spade (n): small surgical tool for removing ovaries. Titillate (n): delayed onset of female puberty. Vagrant: (n): confused insect.

Answers To Last Months ‘Stars In Their Youth’

Answers to the riddles on page 46. 1. 2. 3.

The letter N. Sand. The number 7 on your phone key pad.

If you have any riddles, puzzles or brain-teasers that you would like to see in ‘The Smuggler’ then email them to : editor@thesmuggler.es

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All Distribution Agents for The New Smuggler magazine are listed on our website at WWW.THESMUGGLER.ES Some time this year, we taxpayers will reIf you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea. ceive another Economic Stimulus payment. This If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan is best explained by using the Q & A format. via the Chinese Bazzar. If you pay your credit cards off or buy stock, it Q: What is an Economic Stimulus payment? will go to management bonuses and they will A: It is money that the government will send to hide it offshore. taxpayers. Instead, keep the money in UK/Spain by: Q: Where will the government get this money? 1. Spending it at car boot sales. A: From taxpayers. 2. Going to football matches. 3. Procuring prostitutes. Q: So the government is giving me back my 4. Buying beer. own money? 5. Getting tattoos. A: Just a little. These are the only businesses still operating in the UK/Spain. Q: What is the purpose of this payment? A: The plan is for you to use the money to Conclusion: purchase a High-Definition TV, or ‘The New BUY English/Spanish… Smuggler Magazine’ thus stimulating the econGo to a football match with a tattooed hooker omy. that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer all day. Q: But isn't that stimulating the economy of China and ex-pats Spain? A: Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the UK and Spanish economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Arabs. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. 62

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April 10 issue