Vol ,06 Issue 32

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How the Taliban will retake the land BY TED RALL

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EDITORIAL Editor Rebecca Schoenkopf rebeccas@lacitybeat.com Arts Editor Ron Garmon rong@lacitybeat.com Film Editor Andy Klein andyk@lacitybeat.com Calendar Assistant Arrissia Owen Turner calendar@lacitybeat.com Copy Editor Joshua Sindell Editorial Contributors Paul Birchall, Andre Coleman, Michael Collins, Cole Coonce, Mark Cromer, Perry Crowe, Mick Farren, Richard Foss, Matt Gaffney, Andrew Gumbel, Tom Hayden, Bill Holdship, Jessica Hundley, Chip Jacobs, Mark Keizer, Carl Kozlowski, Kim Lachance, Ken Layne, Steve Lowery, Wade Major, Allison Milionis, Browne Molyneux, Anthony Miller, Chris Morris, Amy Nicholson, Arrissia Owen Turner, Donna Perlmutter, Joe Piasecki, Neal Pollack, Ted Rall, Erika Schickel, Don Shirley, Kirk Silsbee, Brent Simon, Coco Tanaka, Don Waller, Jim Washburn, Wonkette

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! Letters. A letter writer has a point. Lo siento! Old News. Steve Lowery gets a little overwhelmed at Mannymania, trails into inscrutability. Wonkette’s Weekette! Obama thinks he’s pretty cool, but does he think he’s Jesus? (No.) To Serve Man. Jim Washburn asks: “What is up with the universe?” You know, because there’s a big trend in beheadings right now. Third Degree. Vincent Bugliosi calls Rebecca Schoenkopf “honey,” laughs himself silly at her stupid question. Oh, also? The famed prosecutor would like to charge George W. Bush with first-degree murder. Tracks. New (semi-regular) column! Browne Molyneux gets all up in the MTA’s shit. Half-cent sales tax? Oh, really, Mr. Man?

Feature Our Bad War in Afghanistan “After we kill [you] all,” an Afghan national once told Ted Rall sadly, “[Americans] are welcome to come back as tourists and friends.” The cartoonist and author of To Afghanistan and Back and Silk Road to Ruin walks us through a very bad war.

Living Eat. And before the Afghans have killed us all, Richard Foss is welcome to dine elegantly at Azeen’s afghani restaurant. Plus wine tastings and such, in Bites. Eco-Topic. Coco Tanaka says to lay off the Chinese. I’m not kidding. She really says that! The Last Sportswriter. Neal Pollack is a happy man. He should send the Dodgers front office a bouquet! Psycho Sudoku/Jonesin’ Crossword. Matt Gaffney gives you puzzles. For your brains! Real Astrology. Rob Brezsny dowses you, for water. Curious Josh. Josh Reiss celebrates the moments of your life.

LA&E Seven Days. Ron Garmon says let’s lynch the landlord. Also, six other things to do with your week. Film. Andy Klein is up on a Wire, in which, apparently, some French circus artist stretched a wire between the twin towers of the WTC. (This is when there was still a WTC.) That’s what they’re telling me anyway. I haven’t read it yet. Music. Chris Morris croons sweet whispers to Solomon Burke and the right Reverend Al Green, in Sonic Nation. Carman Tse gets all nerdy for 88 BoaDrum (if you are a nerd, you will too!). Arrissia Owen Turner is distracted during a set by Carolina Liar (because they weren’t very good) in Live. And Garmon and crew come for your children, in Merch. Clubland. Oh, no! Ron Garmon goes to Cruefest! Also, somebody tried to mug him, which is hilarious, because he’s poor. NightBeat. Joshua Sindell runs down this week’s recommended shows, writes up a love letter that’s positively throbbing for Dr. Dog. They sound awesome. Comedy. Schoenkopf goes to Cuba Libre, drinks rum, flirts with the bartender – oh, and hears the voices of the very excellent Maria Bamford. Plus, some stuff you might want to go see this month, in Ha.Ha.Ha. Stage. Don Shirley checks out Chekhov and Shakespeare, with a little soft shoe. Plus all the capsule reviews you could ever hope for, in Currently Playing.

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EARTHQUAKE! Plug Away! As a longtime L.A. CityBeat reader, I’m especially interested in your take on “Dining at Home” [July 31]. May I be so forward as to recommend my blog for more budget recipe ideas? –The 99 Cent Chef the99centchef.blogspot.com Seoul Survivor Best one yet, kimchi! [Kim Lachance’s Shoppiness, July 31.] I’m hungry and my gut hurts from laughing. Thanks for the column. –“ladonafeliz” Via lacitybeat.com This Guy, 1; Us, 0 Amazingly, a letter in the July 31 issue headlined “All About the Mexicans” mentions neither Mexico nor Mexicans. What were the editors thinking? The letter, by a UCLA physics professor, does talk about illegal immigration and its nexus with terrorism (not a far-fetched connection – hyper-sloppy immigration control was a prime contributor to 9/11), but the writer’s concern was about nuclear-weapons materials illicitly entering our country. He makes the point that borders undefended against illegal immigration are also wide open to bomb-smuggling. On the other hand I’ve never seen anyone, including that letter writer, predict that such smuggling would be a project of Mexicans, whatever their immigration status. –Paul Nachman Redondo Beach The editor replies: What was I thinking? I was thinking mostly about sandwiches, but I was also thinking about a phantom itch on my back; sex; our Calendar listings; our art director’s fine design for our dining issue; a little budget jujitsu; my son’s middling-tolousy progress report (and the fact that three of his seven teachers didn’t bother to show up for back to school night!); the cover stories for the next three issues; the cover story for that one; how to illustrate the cover of the issue you’re holding in your hand; sex; coffee; whether Ron would ever turn in his Seven Days, and whether or not he’d include a picture; where the hell Andy’s film stories were, as usual; how to edit a semi-regular transportation column for our news section (starting this week!); what happened to all my interns; hey, maybe I could find some more; yes, here is a file of young people, just waiting for me to call them; also, I need to write Commie

Girl; oh no, we have too much stuff; hold Commie Girl; it wasn’t very good anyway; John Edwards is a smarmy sack of shit; oh, I am so angry at John Edwards; I loved him once, you know; we sure could use some more letters; and the letter headlines need a little ’zazz. Your point is both well-stated and well-taken. Thanks for writing. Please send Ritalin. And No Thanks I question the wisdom in running a piece like Ron Garmon’s “Miss Narco America” [July 10]. Not for fear that anyone will emulate her behavior, but mostly because it was possibly the most asinine thing I have read from a newsweekly in some time. It struck me that the author chose a freak he knew and wrote her story ... but what new information was garnered from the experience by ... anybody? The drug trade destroys lives? Duh. She lost everything because she got greedy? Been there, done that. There was a lot of cocaine in the ’70s and ’80s? What a wonder, in fact, I believe the United States still spearheads the world in cocaine consumption narrowly tailed by Italy (granted, I say that based on several half-remembered statistics, someone with official figures might prove me wrong). The larger point is this: I have noticed a decline in the quality of material in CityBeat and in general dislike the recent re-design and wonder why in particular the supposed hardcore-Communist Editrix has chosen to gnaw the edge off formerly interesting reading by removing the interviews with academics, authors, and people who had new information to share with the readers of Los Angeles. Best, –Andy Tafelski Via e-mail


Monday, July 28 Long Beach officials close down the city’s beaches to swimmers after a 12,000-gallon sewage spill gets into the water, thus raising the question: Who, with the obvious exception of those trying to start a new life by burning off their fingerprints and noticable facial features, swims in the water off Long Beach? It is well-known to be some of the filthiest, stinkiest, brown-taintiest around, and I’m including China and certain crevices of Rush Limbaugh’s body in the statement. At this point, 12,000 gallons of disgusting, smelly sewage is merely seasoning in the Stew du Long Beach. It’s horrible. In fact, just two weeks ago, there was a similar 300-gallon spill yet authorities didn’t see any reason to close the beach, figuring it may have actually made the water cleaner. But, this time, they jumped into action, closing among others popular bathing spots such as Mother’s Beach, Colorado Lagoon, Fecal Reef, and Glow in the Dark Cove. Tuesday, July 29 EARTHQUAKE! How great was that?! There is nothing like the thrill ride of an earthquake. Other disasters can be seen, tracked, but earthquakes just happen, totally unannounced, suddenly spreading fear and destruction with no way of telling why it happened. It’s a lot like marriage. There is something so elemental about earthquakes that for a few seconds you actually feel part of the earth, and it’s terrifying but exhilarating as long as a vase or the 405 doesn’t fall on you. The other great thing about earthquakes is that they remain a great shared experience for Southern Californians. I think it’s a measure of our humanity, or total lack thereof, that we are never closer to each other than after an earthquake. Sure, we share other horrifying experiences, but those mostly have to do with the horror of meeting each other. Wednesday, July 30 Besides earthquakes, the other great fear Southern Californians carry is the very real prospect that they may be killed by a celebrity. It happens. All the time. And just like earthquakes, celebrity killings happen unannounced and end up never paying for their actions. Legendary record producer Phil Spector has so far dodged a bullet for second-degree murder, though the same can’t be said for his alleged victim, Lana Clarkson. After a jury couldn’t agree on a verdict, Spector was back in court today for pretrial motions for a new trial, to which he showed up wearing a Barack Obama campaign button. So, besides the African-American and young people vote, Obama has apparently sewn up the totally insane (and that’s just his hair) former genius record producer who probably murdered that poor woman but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop playing his Christmas album oh hell no vote. Previously, Obama sewed up the guy convicted of a claw hammer murder when Dale Lee Bishop endorsed him moments before he was executed. As heinous as Bishop’s crime was, experts say his endorsement is no more damaging than one from Jesse Jackson.

The editor replies – again! The week before “Miss Narco America,” we ran Nathaniel Page’s “Battlefield: Earth,” a feature on new green technologies. The week before that, Danny Schechter’s investigation into the coming credit card debacle. And the week after, we published International Physicians for the Prevention of Nuclear War writing fellow Tad Daley’s 5,000-word piece on nuclear disarmament. So you know what? Fuck you. Thanks for writing! Send letters to editor@lacitybeat.com or do it up old school: Letters to the Editor, LA CITYBEAT, 5209 Wilshire Blvd., Los Angeles 90036.

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Thursday, July 31 Frustrated, he says, by the empty posturing of state legislators, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signs an executive order temporarily cutting the pay of 200,000 state workers to the federal minimum wage of $6.55. Schwarzenegger says the cut will free up money for the state to pay its bills. State Controller John Chiang says no it won’t because he will not implement Schwarzenegger’s scheme, which Schwarzenegger had to know Chiang was going to do thereby making all of this a bit of empty posturing. Friday, August 1 A report released by the Center for Immigration Studies says the number of illegal immigrants in the U.S. has declined by 11 percent. Now, granted, the Center is a little on the conservative side and favors tighter immigration controls, but if the numbers are accurate one would have to follow their lead and laud the policies of the Bush White House. I mean, I think many people, when it came to this issue, would have thought it impossible for a U.S. President to create an economy so weak, so flaccid, that people from third world countries were turning up their noses, in essence telling us, “Naw, man. I may be poor, but this thing’s fucked up. I mean, I may have come here lashed to the undercarriage of a 1978 F-150, but I’ve got my pride. Good luck with all of that.â€? Speaking of immigrants ... Manny! Saturday, August 2 I have spoken to so many people who want to buy a ticket to a Dodger game just to see Manny Ramirez. I know the Dodgers have always been one of the biggest draws in American sports, but I think you have to go back to the days of (forgive me) Fernandomania to reference a similar time when one player sparked this much excitement. Sunday, August 3 Not that he’s made much of a difference, but Manny Ramirez goes four-for-five with a home run and three RBI to lead the Dodgers to a 9-3 win over the Arizona Diamondbacks and draw to within a game of first place. In the last two games – we won’t count his first game when he was working on three hours sleep – Ramirez has gone six-for-nine with two homers and five RBI (even factoring in the first game, he’s a paltry eight-for-13). All of a sudden, things are looking up for the Dodgers. Consider that the lineup, one of the weakest-producing in baseball, looks well-balanced between table-setters like Juan Pierre, doubles hitters like James Loney and Russell Martin, and power guys like Ramirez, Jeff Kent, and fast-rising and very-young Matt Kemp, who figures to benefit the most from Ramirez’s presence. Add to that a sharp rehab performance by Brad Penny, whose fastball was clocked at 98 mph, and an expected September return by the team’s best player, Rafael Furcal, and all of sudden ... well, hmmmm. I mean the thing of it is, the Dodgers play in the weakest division in the weaker league where only one team really looks very good and that would be the Cubs and, you know, they’re the Cubs. So, I’m not saying the Dodgers are the Angels or anything, I’m just saying, if this team starts scoring runs with any regularity, the pitching they possess is already top-notch so they could, you know, I mean, you never know. It was exactly 20 years ago that a thought-to-bepast-his-prime outfielder with a reputation for being a bit of a loose cannon joined a seemingly dowtrodden group of vets and young ’uns and, well, you know.âœś

N<<B<KK< MONDAY Obama Sends Secret Message in Code: Hillary Clinton Will Not Be Veep Pick With the exception of the two days following the conclusion of the Democratic primaries, when Hillary Clinton and all her dumb minions seemed to really push the whole “Hillary will be vice president or we will sabotage this whole election� idea, she has pretty much kept her head down, surfacing only occasionally to make another tacky request for money. But, mean Barack Obama continues to state publicly and openly that there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell she’ll get on the ticket with him. Witness the latest damning quotes, delivered on Meet the Press yesterday. Obama told Tom Brokaw he would like the following qualities in a running mate: t *OUFHSJUZ t *OEFQFOEFODF t 4PNFPOF iXIP TIBSFT B WJTJPO PG UIF country, where we need to go, that we’ve got to fundamentally change not only our policies, but how our politics works, how business is done in Washington.� He might as well have just added, “Oh, BOE OP QBOUTVJUT w )JMMBSZ JO o4BSB , 4NJUI OMG Barry Hurt His Hip! 4XFFU +FTVT UIF OFXT JT TPNF LJOE PG TMPX UPEBZ 4P IFSF T ZPVS MBUFTU JOTUBMMNFOU JO our Presidential Candidate Physique Watch: Barack Obama has a sore hip from playing basketball in foreign lands! He went to UIF EPDUPS JO $IJDBHP BOE HPU BO 9 SBZ *T Obama some sort of secret old person? He apparently told a pool reporter “it’s all good� after his doctor’s visit, so his hip isn’t broken or anything. This is literally the most exciting news we have read in four hours. o4,4 Robert Novak Has a Brain Tumor! *T UIJT XIZ IF SBO PWFS UIBU HVZ MBTU XFFL Best wishes for a speedy recovery, Prince of %BSLOFTT o4,4 Crippled War Vets Tell Cheney to Get Bent Despised warmonger Dick Cheney continues to be an evil sack of shit who can’t even pretend to like war veterans. The hate-filled colostomy bag was scheduled to lecture a group of injured war veterans about how he evaded the draft through five deferments, but the veterans group finally told him to get fucked after he demanded the maimed heroes be sequestered for hours before he delivered his bitter propaganda. Cheney was supposed to speak at the Disabled Veterans of America convention in Las Vegas next month, but the evil scumsack demanded the old, crippled soldiers go through a humiliating security process and then be locked in the auditorium for two hours before Cheney would deliver his canned bullshit – and nobody would be allowed to leave until the asshole finished! Many of the vets are elderly and left pieces of themselves on foreign battlefields since 8PSME 8BS ** BOE PUIFST XFSF DSJQQMFE CZ SFDFOU TFSWJDF JO *SBR BOE "GHIBOJTUBO i*U XBT B IVHF JNQPTJUJPO PO PVS delegates,� added David Autry, another Disabled American Veterans official. Autry said vets would’ve had to get up “at Oh-dark-30 and try to get breakfast and showered and get their prosthetics on.� Once inside, they “could not leave the meeting room, and the bathrooms are outside,� he said. 4P UIF XBS IFSPFT UPME UIF FWJM DSFFQ UP FBU TIJU BOE EJF UIF FOE o,FO -BZOF

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N<<B<KK< Bush Leaving $490 BILLION Deficit The new president will get a very special gift from the George W. Bush administration next year: an all-time record deficit of $490 billion American dollars, or “nine Euros.” Before Bush took office in 2001 – and we do mean “took,” har har! – the federal budget deficit didn’t exist, but there was a surplus of $230 billion in the budget. –KL TUESDAY New Jersey Legislator’s Kiddie Porn Scandal Teaches Valuable Lessons Here is a helpful tip for all you local lawmakers who want to look at porn in your office:

DON’T PRINT IT OUT AND THEN LEAVE YOUR PORNOGRAPHY LYING AROUND. Oh, and if it is horrible child pornography? First, quit looking at that shit, and second, DO NOT LEAVE IT LYING AROUND. Sadly, New Jersey Assemblyman Neil Cohen seems not to have mastered this valuable concept. Cohen served 17 years in New Jersey’s General Assembly before resigning when evidence surfaced last week that he was maybe looking at kiddie porn at his office: Last week, a staffer in the Union Township legislative office shared by Cohen, Assemblyman Joseph Cryan, and state Sen. Raymond Lesniak, all Democrats, found a printout of a nude girl who appeared to be in

her early teens or younger. Now investigators have seized all the computers in the office and Cohen has checked himself into a psychiatric hospital. He should just be glad he doesn’t live in Louisiana, where Bobby Jindal would have personally castrated him with a rusty can opener, for Jesus. –SKS McCain Endorses Obama’s Troop Withdrawal Plan John McCain went on Larry King Live last night and said that Barack Obama had been right about everything and he was withdrawing from the presidential race in order to pursue his dream of being a Wal-Mart greeter. Ha ha, we kid! But McCain did say he was maybe OK with

A S S O C I AT E O F S C I E N C E D E G R E E C O M P U T E R A N I M AT I O N + F I L M + G A M E D E V E L O P M E N T

a 16-month “time horizon” or whatever they’re calling it these days, if “conditions on the ground” in Iraq permitted. In other words, what Barack Obama said. Oh he is a terrible flipflopping elitist pig, this John McCain! Why does he hate America? –SKS Senator Ted Stevens Indicted The elusive Alaskan snow leopard who brought you “a series of tubes” has been indicted by a federal grand jury in relation to a year-long corruption investigation. –SKS John McCain Loves Pennsylvania So Much He Will Get a Post Office Box There When a gentleman loves a state very very much, he gives it a box of chocolates and then asks it to go “parking” with him, and then he gropes it for a while and if his love is truly true, he opens up a “post office box” in that state. Thus, a declaration from John McCain’s campaign that the candidate intends to open up a PO box in Pennsylvania means he is serious about romancing the voters there. Barack Obama has like a million campaign offices in Pennsylvania, while John McCain has negative fifty, but none of this matters because John McCain will take back PA for the Republicans in the fall through his postal wizardry. “You’re just starting to see the tip of the iceberg,” McCain’s state campaign manager, Ted Christian, said of visits by the candidate and surrogates. “I think he’ll open his own post office box here. This state is of the utmost importance to the senator.” He will go to his post office box every day and even though it’s empty he will stick his hand in there to feel around and mutter, “Hmm, sumbuddy must be stealing my mail,” and then he’ll try to strike up a conversation with the postal clerk who thinks to herself, “I need to be paid a lot more than eight bucks an hour to put up with this depressing shit.” –SKS WEDNESDAY Barack Obama Thinks He’s Pretty Cool Oh dear. Looks like it’s about time for Michelle Obama to deploy one of those “he farts in his sleep and never flosses”-style truth bombs, because the Hawaiian Unicorn is getting a leetle too big for his britches. “I have become a symbol of the possibility of America returning to our best traditions,” Barack Obama told a group of House Democrats, who promptly wrote down this embarrassing quote verbatim and called up their reporter friends to tattle on him. Barry should take a page from our current president’s playbook and work on becoming a symbol of America returning to our worst traditions. –SKS


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David Axelrod Lies Hilariously About Patti Solis Doyle Hiring Blowback By March or April or whenever it was that she got fired, everybody knew that Patti Solis Doyle was personally responsible for every single thing that went wrong with the Clinton campaign, except for the things Mark Penn and Bill Clinton and the candidate herself and even Harold Ickes were responsible for. Ms. Doyle was banished to her native Chicago uranium mines with only her public humiliation to keep her company, until the Obama campaign hired her, with predictable results: The Clinton people went insane with rage. Now, in a very looong article in the Washington Post, notable mainly for Solis Doyle’s marvelous Katharine-Hepburn-playsintrepid-lady-journalist-in-North-Africa tab-sleeved shirt, David Axelrod professes wonderment that anyone would assume that Obama’s hiring Mistress Spendsalot would mean Hillary Clinton had no spot on the Democratic ticket. “There was no message — absolutely not,” Obama senior strategist David Axelrod says. He said he never asked Solis Doyle, whom he’s known for 20 years, where she stood with Clinton, and he says he was not aware of issues associated with her management style. “Honestly, we were not privy to the history of the campaign’s relationships,” he says. David Axelrod will be here all week, and advises you to try the veal. –SKS






’m pretty good at spotting trends. Like the profusion of really big meat in commercials lately. I mean, can’t they show a Subway sandwich anymore without it being some extreme close-up of sinuous folds of meat that makes you feel like you’re practically Muffulettadiving the thing? Remember Bunuel’s Los Olvidados: “Mother, why do you never give me meat?” Well, here you are kid, buried up to your nose in it, in every damn commercial that can possibly have meat in it. A NICE GUY This doesn’t happen by accident. There’s too much money involved. Same thing with all the commercials that hinge on head trauma. They’re everywhere – cell phones bounced off foreheads, beer cans, baseballs – and that doesn’t happen without studies where they’ve hooked electrodes up to folks’ brains, so they’ve got graphic proof, on a graph no less, that something about head injuries makes us go, “Bonk! Ha ha, that must really smart. I’d better buy a pound of beef jerky.” This week I can’t help wondering if there’s some planetary consciousness at work behind the big comeback in decapitations. The most recent occurred Aug. 3 on the otherwise picturesque Greek island of Santorini, when a reportedly jealous 35-yearold beheaded his twentysomething schoolteacher girlfriend. When your only tool is a knife, I suppose every problem looks like Medusa. Next, according to the BBC, the guy “paraded with the head.” Do two people make a parade, particularly when one is just a head? Even 76 decapitated heads don’t make a parade, since the last thing on their minds is marching in formation. I used to be in a marching band, and you really can’t do the do without a torso and such. At any rate, when police rained on his parade, the decapitator tossed the decapitee’s head into a police car, slashed a cop, stole a police jeep, and rammed two female doctors on a motorcycle before police determined they should maybe shoot the fucker. Preceding that, on July 30 on a desolate stretch of Manitoba highway, 40-year-old Canadian paperboy Vince Weiguang Li allegedly repeatedly stabbed a stranger in the seat next to him on a Greyhound bus, then used a knife and scissors to behead him. Next, according to an intercepted police radio call, Li hacked up and ate parts of his victim. Exemplifying that Canadian dry humor, a police spokesman said the broadcast was “not meant for public consumption.” It’s hard to write a dull headline with the word “beheaded” in it, and I’m partial to this one in the Melbourne Herald Sun:

“Beheaded Canadian a Nice Guy.” The victim reportedly had his eyes closed, listening to something on headphones when the attack happened. I’m always curious to know what a person was listening to in circumstances like this. Hopefully not Benny Hinn. As for the alleged killer, police negotiators coaxed him off the bus, once he was done eating. Yet another Canadian may be beheaded soon, by our bosom buddy Saudi Arabia, where the government’s motto is “and

leave the beheading to us.” They are one of two countries in the world, the other being Iran, where beheading is still the preferred form of execution. 2007 was a banner year for the Saudis, with a record 156 beheadings. They’ll behead you for murder and rape, while in a case last year a 19-year-old gang-rape victim was sentenced to 200 lashes because, when attacked, she had been in a car with a man who was not her husband. (The sentence was eventually set aside, on the reasoning that being raped seven times was punishment enough. The rapists only drew 2-to-7 year sentences, since their victim was “unclean” or something.) The Saudis will also give you the axe – actually a scimitar – for homosexuality, blasphemy, heresy, and drug trafficking, which pretty much takes it off my vacation list. A Turkish barber is presently under death sentence for uttering the equivalent of “god damn,” while the Canadian citizen, 23-year-old Mohamed Kohail, is appealing a murder conviction for a death that occurred during a schoolyard fight. I have a friend who grew up in Saudi Arabia. When she was a little kid, she saw a crowd gathered on a square, and, thinking there might be a juggler or magician, she worked her way to the front, just in time to see a guy beheaded. The head rolls. Blood squirts from both the neck and head. You’d think seeing that would be horror enough for one lifetime, but today she works for MTV. It’s not yet a neck-cleaving offense, but

religious police of the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice in the Saudi capital city of Riyadh have just banned the sale and the walking of dogs and cats. The reasoning is that men use cats and dogs to make passes at women and “violate proper behavior in public.” Please don’t anybody tell them about gerbils. The virtuous Saudis must have really held their noses years ago when they used their oil money to bail out drunk, callow, and coked-out young businessman George W. Bush from one of his string of failed businesses. Quiz 1: Do you think he ever repaid them? Quiz 2: Like by using your money to do it every time you visit a gas station? New Hope for the Wretched Even with newspapers becoming more inconsequential by the day, you’d think the L.A. Times would have devoted more than two wire-feed paragraphs on page A18 to a story that might portend a livable future for the human race: In the current issue of Science, MIT researchers Daniel Nocera and Matthew Kanan report developing a new method of storing energy that scientists expect will revolutionize the use of solar panels. Inspired by photosynthesis, it uses simple materials to convert water to hydrogen and oxygen, which can be stored in fuel cells. They foresee that within a decade the power grid may be a thing of the past, with households powering their homes carbon-free 24-7 from their own solar cells. I’ve interviewed scientists, from hacks to Nobel laureates. As a group they are not given to hyperbole, yet talking with the MIT News, Nocera gushed, “This is the Nirvana of what we’ve been talking about for years” – and he didn’t mean Nevermind – “Solar power has always been a limited, far-off solution. Now we can seriously think about solar power as unlimited and soon.” Unlimited and soon. It has a nice ring, doesn’t it? Their development does dash hopes for an alternative method I’d devised, which involved mile-long trenches of GMO electric eel DNA, fed on human waste and after-dinner mints. It would seem a win-win – I never know what to do with those damn mints – but mutants have a habit of mutating, and next thing you know it’d want a diet of human heads, like Bush’s friends, the Saudis.✶

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Karl Rove in Contempt “A U.S. congressional panel voted on Wednesday to find former presidential adviser Karl Rove in contempt for defying a subpoena to testify in its probe into suspected political meddling at the Justice Department.” –KL Barack Obama to Shoot & Kill John McCain Barack Obama today revealed that he hates John McCain’s tax plan and will therefore kill him with guns: “Obama jokingly claimed that Wild Bill Hickock, a famous old Western gunslinger, was a distant cousin of his so McCain should be on the alert. ‘I’m ready to duel John McCain on taxes. Right now, right here. I’m a quick draw,’ Obama quipped.” OK, we get it, Hussein, YOU HAD WHITE ANCESTORS. McCain responded that he knew Bill Hickock and you, sir, are no Bill Hickock. –Jim Newell THURSDAY Hilton Family FURIOUS Over McCain Insulting Paris Hilton While everybody else was laughing at that ridiculous Paris Hilton/Obama ad the McCain people released yesterday, at least two very wealthy Republican donors were furious: William Barron Hilton and Rick Hilton, Paris’s grandf ather and father. The elder Hilton, co-chairman of the Hilton Hotel chain and former owner of the San Diego Chargers, gave the McCain campaign $18,400 and contributed another $35,000 to the GOP Senate committee. Paris’s dad gave McCain nearly $7,000. And then that rotten Walnuts runs an ad calling Paris Hilton a piece of celebrity trash? Conservative analyst and McCain supporter Martin Eisenstadt writes on his blog: I hear whispers from the inner campaign staff that the phone was burning off the hook today with calls from Paris Hilton’s grandfather, William Barron Hilton (cochair of the Hilton Hotel empire), furious that the McCain ad drew an unflattering comparison between Obama and his own granddaughter. Ha ha ha. Eisenstadt says he suspects “heads will roll” at McCain HQ, or at least the agency that made the ad will be dumped. –KL John Edwards ‘Love Child’ Has No Daddy Listed on Its Birth Certificate! Here’s some weird news about the alreadyweird John Edwards baby-mama alleged scandal: The “love child” in question has no daddy listed on the birth certificate! And we can’t even dismiss this latest tiny bit of scandal as “tabloid trash” because it comes from Edwards’ hometown mainstream media, McClatchy Newspapers’ News & Observer. Rielle Hunter, 44, is the gal who met Edwards in a New York bar and then earned $114,000 from his PAC making “webisodes” which all mysteriously vanished from his website when she quit working for him because she wound up pregnant and then his loyal North Carolina aide (who is married with kids) gallantly claimed he was the father and then installed Ms. Hunter (real name: “Rielle Jaya James Druck” or just “Lisa Druck”) in lodgings adjoining his own home in a gated North Carolina neighborhood. Edwards is acting so guilty – hiding in hotel bathrooms, escaping through the service entrance after a speech in Washington – that even the Liberal Media is slowly being forced to find out what’s going on with Mr. Public Displays of Affection who used to always be kissin’ on his saintly wife with cancer, Elizabeth Edwards. Here’s what the paper has to say about the baby girl with no known daddy: Asked Thursday why no father was listed on the birth certificate, Hunter’s attorney, Robert Gordon of New York, said, “A lot of women do that.” Reminded that he and Hunter had publicly revealed the father’s identity two months earlier to the National Enquirer, Gordon said, “That’s a personal


Vincent Bugliosi W

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e begin our chat with famed prosecutor Vincent Bugliosi with a few minutes of pleasantries. Bugliosi is utterly charming and very kind. At one point, he will call me “honey” and pat my shoulder, and since he is 74, he has the prerogative of age. I have heard he is an arrogant bastard; he certainly thinks well of his abilities, but perhaps since I am a young lady he can be courtly and gentlemanlike, as there is no need for competition. We are in his home, filled to bursting with silk flowers and statues of kittycats and ormolu clocks, and a very beautiful tea service with irises, elongated and stretched as if Modigliani had veered into chinamaking. I forget what we are talking about at first, and invite you to join us here, at this point, where I begin taking notes. –Rebecca Schoenkopf Vincent Bugliosi: Will you be attending the Democratic National Convention in Denver? L.A. CityBeat: No. Yes, I’ve been invited, but I’m not sure it’s appropriate. I’m talking about prosecuting the president for first-degree murder! I’m not sure that fits in with Obama’s message! Well, it would sure fire up the base! But it might – maybe – just alienate a few in the middle. You’re aware I testified before Congress last week? Yes, I saw your opening statement on YouTube. It went on for hours! We didn’t even break for lunch; I testified from 10 to four. Conyers said, “This is not an impeachment hearing” so I wasn’t allowed to accuse Bush of a crime or even any dishonorable conduct – I could only use the phrase “Bush administration.” I got a phone call June 16 here at the house from a conservative Representative from the South. He supported the war, was a very vocal supporter, and heard my book [The Prosecution of George W. Bush for Murder] on tape. He bought several copies of the book, and handed them out. He gave one to Conyers too. I do present evidence in the book that Congress was lied to in a major, major way. For example, the classified report from 16 intelligence agencies, the October 2002 National Intelligence Estimate, also known as the NIE. All 16 agencies concluded that Hussein was not an imminent threat to the security of this country. Three days later, the Bush administration put out an unclassified “summary” of this report, the “White Paper.” In the summary, the conclusion was deleted! The classified report, when it got into questions of weapons of mass destruction: “We assess that blah blah he has biological weapons.” The White Paper: “He has biological weapons.” The astounding thing to me right now, and I’m never gonna get over it till the day I die, is this despicable human being


We all know the CIA killed Kennedy! No no no no. No no no no. [Pats me on the shoulder. Howls with laughter.] What about Woody Harrelson’s dad being one of the three tramps let out the back door of the Dallas PD? Did you look into that? Of course, of course. [Waves hand dismissively.] Probably 70 percent of the country knows the government did it! Ha ha! Oh, honey. If 50 million people think something foolish, it’s still foolish! So, let me ask you this: Would you have prosecuted Johnson? No, he did nothing wrong! But what about the Gulf of Tonkin? [Kindly.] Would you like to know ... may I tell you a little bit about that?

took us into an unnecessary war, and the mainstream media is protecting him and blacking out my book! Until a couple of weeks ago, the blackout was total and complete. This is unusual for me! My books are important books! It got so bad that ABC Radio refused to take money from my publisher for an advertisement! Bush may be responsible for a million deaths – in my book I use the very conservative estimate of 100 thousand – he sends them to their cold graves, and they won’t even talk about prosecuting him! How can we get over that? Unless something’s wrong with me? I don’t think I’m losing my marbles! So to prosecute the president for murder, would any District Attorney have jurisdiction, as long as there was a dead soldier from his county? Exactly. I just need one prosecutor. There is no statute of limitations for the crime of murder. Pinochet in Chile, 33 years later, had charges brought against him! It has nothing to do with Congress, or the mood of the country. Just one prosecutor. Once Bush is out of office, he is like any other private citizen. Nixon, when he resigned in ’74, there was quite a clamor to indict him, and then Ford stepped in and pardoned him. If he’d had immunity, there would have been no need for a pardon. So you get a prosecutor; wouldn’t a judge just quash the case? Say, hypothetically, the Fargo, North Dakota, grand jury indicts him. A motion to quash, 99 times out of 100, is denied. Here it would go all the way up to the Supreme Court. And I don’t see how they can deny it! You wrote a book about how they could deny it! [The Betrayal of America: How the Supreme Court Undermined the Constitution and Chose Our President] You called the Supreme Court “criminals in the very truest sense of the word” and said it was a “judicial coup d’etat”!

[Chuckles.] Oh, Bush v. Gore, yeah! [Chortle, laugh.] There are 50 state Attorneys General and about 950 DAs. Not in all of those counties has there been someone who’s died [to create jurisdiction]. We cannot let this guy get away with this. When I prosecuted Manson, there was nothing personal about it, and that’s the way it should be. It certainly was personal for the survivors and loved ones, but I just viewed Manson as a terribly evil person, who deserved the death penalty. I also knew if he got out he was going to continue to kill, would kill as many people as he could. With Bush, it’s very personal with me. Is it possible that might cloud your judgment? It could, but it’s a non sequitur to say because it’s personal, your judgment’s askew. I would seek the death penalty against him, Cheney, Condoleezza Rice, and possibly more. If I were the prosecutor. Maybe in front of the grand jury, it comes out Rove or Rumsfeld is involved ... . With all these people, it would not be personal, except Bush. The evidence is indisputable that all these soldiers, 19-year-old kids, while they’re being blown to pieces in Iraq, George W. Bush was having a lot of fun, enjoying every moment of his existence. He’s laughing, dancing, swiveling his hips like Elvis! How dare he – how dare he – have fun while kids are dying? While he is uttering the following words – at the very time he is saying them – kids are getting blown up: “Laura and I are having the time of our lives.” “I’m in a great mood.” “It’s going to be a perfect day.” “I’m feeling pretty good about life.” Even if it was just a mistake, and not murder, what kind of monstrous individual would be happy with his life? Off-topic, but I’m dying to ask you. In your last book, Reclaiming History, how could you say Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone???

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Certainly. There was overwhelming evidence LBJ did not want to go to war. There was a transcript of a telephone conversation between him and Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara, and LBJ is clearly responding to new information. It could not be clearer. Two or three years ago, National Security Adviser Robert Hanyok’s report was declassified: Apparently NSA technicians misinterpreted some North Vietnamese intercepts, and wrote up that there had been an attack. Shortly thereafter, they covered up their mistake. But even if LBJ had lied us into war, assuming he “got by with it,” that’s no defense. We should give a freebie for murder? There’s no LBJ Defense under 187 of the California penal code! I don’t like people getting away with murder. In O.J.’s case, two murders! I wrote a book about it, Outrage! You were quoted online as saying you would have spent 500 hours on your closing statement. Is that right? Did I say that? Well, hundreds of hours, certainly. I have my summation written before the trial starts! I know the purported weaknesses of my case. In the O.J. case, they were writing it the night before! Not going over it – writing it! I’m pro-prosecution all the way, but they didn’t do their homework. You said that it would be impossible to try the president for war crimes. Why? We’re not a signatory nation to the International Criminal Court, which was set up in ’02 – and perhaps for that very reason. Why did Spain have jurisdiction over Pinochet? Were Spanish nationals killed? [Judge] Garcon, was that his name? I’d like to find a Garcon! I don’t know how they got jurisdiction in that case, whether it was the International Criminal Court, which usually operates from The Hague, or a Spanish court. I’ll have to look into that. Jurisdiction was the big thing I had to negotiate in this book. I spent a lot of time at the Ninth Circuit and the downtown Bar Association. Jurisdiction was what I spent the most time on. It wasn’t easy: jurisdiction gets complicated. But I nailed it down. No matter how hard I tried, though, I couldn’t establish jurisdiction for the murder of the Iraqis. ✶


FRIDAY Every Newspaper on Earth Says John McCain Is an Idiot Oh good God what is going on today? Pretty much every publication in the country has a big article about how John McCain – the guy who just attacked Barack Obama for being all style and no substance – knows literally nothing about anything, and just blurts out a random arrangement of words whenever he’s asked about foreign or domestic policy. As a consequence, he comes off sounding underinformed and not terribly interested in the details of governance, not to mention possibly senile and a little bit retarded. A little gem from the deputy editorial page editor of your liberal daily rag, The Wall Street Journal: On Sunday, he said on national television that to solve Social Security “everything’s on the table,” which of course means raising payroll taxes. On July 7 in Denver he said: “Senator Obama will raise your taxes. I won’t.” This isn’t a flip-flop. It’s a sex-change operation. He got back to the subject Tuesday in Reno, Nev. Reporters asked about the Sunday tax comments. Mr. McCain replied, “The worst thing you could do is raise people’s payroll taxes, my God!” Then he was asked about working with Democrats to fix Social Security, and he repeated, “everything has to be on the table.” But how can . . . ? Oh never mind. And then this thing from that “John McCain is an idiot, but he has Core Values that come from his Gut” article in the Washington Post: [I]n a speech this past spring, McCain called for expelling Russia from the Group of Eight, the club of leading economic powers, on the grounds that Russia is not a real democracy. Not long after, he gave a speech in Denver on arms control and suggested that the United States “can work in partnership with Russia to strengthen protections against weapons of mass destruction.” “Would that happen before or after we kick them out of the G-8?” quipped a Republican arms control expert who held high positions in previous Republican administrations. The most tragic thing about the next three months will be watching John McCain try to catch up on all of the news he has been ignoring for the past 50 years. It will be like that Rocky montage where he exercises and eats raw eggs, except it will be John McCain reading the large-print edition of Congressional Quarterly and falling asleep with his mouth open. –SKS Was John McCain’s Ad Racist Because It Didn’t Include Tiger Woods? There’s been a hilarious debate on the Internet the last couple of days, as per usual, about whether the McCain “Celeb” ad was Racist because it chose two young white gals, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, as Barack Obama’s alter egos instead of the actual two most famous celebrities in the world. It is, apparently, a similar situation to the attack ad on Harold Ford in 2006, where he is constantly talking to loose white women on the telephone. If John McCain were to *objectively* pick the two most

famous people in the world, the liberals argue, at least one of them would have been TIGER WOODS, the GOLFER. The conservatives do not believe Tiger Woods counts, however, because he has accomplishments! Prepare to rock and/or roll. Here’s a well-received liberal post from Newsday’s John Riley. We just got off a conference call with Camp McCain, defending their new ad comparing Barack Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. They said they thought the ad was legitimate because Obama is a big celebrity (which happens to be what John McCain was, too, when he came home from Vietnam and started to build his political career), and Britney and Paris were Number 2 and 3. The problem: Anyone with even a vague sense of pop culture knows that Britney and Paris are yesterday’s news. Here’s a link to Forbes’ Celebrity 100. Paris and Britney don’t even make the list any more. Instead, the top 10, in order: Oprah Winfrey, Tiger Woods, Angelina Jolie, Beyonce Knowles, David Beckham, Johnny Depp, Jay-Z, The Police, JK Rowling, Brad Pitt. John Riley is not merely a political writer, folks. He is the official Arbiter of Pop Culture Celebrities as chosen by America’s hip youngsters. You think Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are famous? Well that’s a nice ROCK YOU’RE LIVING UNDER, SIR NERDLINGTON. Try reading some fucking FORBES whenever you leave your current loser chess tournament. Someone, however, has chosen to challenge cool John Riley! And he works for… The Weekly Standard! (No, it’s not Bill Kristol in this case, but Monday’s only three days away and we bet he has a column idea already!) This is Dean Barnett, taking up the important issue of Tiger Woods’ non-inclusion in some dumb McCain ad: Some of the ad’s critics have noted that Britney Spears and Paris Hilton aren’t even such enormous celebrities. Tiger Woods and Brad Pitt, they rightly argue, are much bigger stars. But that analysis misses the point as far as Obama is concerned. Unlike Britney and Paris, Tiger Woods earned his fame. No one could accuse Tiger Woods of being a media sensation or being famous just for being famous. Not man enough to take up the pressing issue of Brad Pitt though, are you, Barnett? Here’s the thing: Tiger Woods plays golf! He is famous for playing GOLF. Whatever Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have done to become famous — Britney’s (once) killer dance moves didn’t come to her in her sleep, by the way, idiots — was certainly more difficult than playing a little outdoors game really well. Tiger Woods got famous for the exact same reason Barack Obama got famous: because he’s a multiracial (a.k.a. “black”), “charismatic” and talented as shit entry into a field previously populated by old white men, exclusively, since forever. In conclusion: John McCain should never have made this ad, at all, with any celebrities, because what the fuck. –JN John McCain’s EPIC New Ad Loves Barack Obama! Oh man, the new “The One” ad is so much better than “Celeb.” While that last one was creepy, this one is funny (or rather, “less creepy”), and expensive-looking, and has an upbeat soundtrack, and says all sorts of nice things about Barack Obama! Also, McCain finally admits that Barack Obama freed the Jews from Egypt back when he was a state senator in Illinois. We don’t get it. Where’s the attack? Probably he’s trying to tell the Fundies that voting for Barack Obama is like worshiping the golden calf false idol. Same message for the Florida Jews. Oh God, so it actually is just as creepy as the Britney Spears ad. The Bitters must be so fucking confused. –JN

Metro Briefs The Solution To High Gas Prices. Go Metro. With gas prices at staggering levels, there’s never been a better time to Go Metro. For little more than the price of a gallon of gas, you can buy a $5 Day Pass and ride virtually any Metro bus or rail line all day long. Plot your escape from the pump with our Trip Planner at metro.net.

Voters To Get Transportation Sales Tax Measure A ½-cent sales tax to finance an array of transportation projects throughout the county is heading for this November’s ballot. If approved, the new tax would provide some $40 billion over 30 years for dozens of street and highway improvements and new public transit projects in LA County.

New Metro Map Available Online Now it’s easy to see all that Metro has to o=er. A new redesigned, simple-to-read bus and rail system map details 73 miles of Metro Rail, some 200 Metro Local lines, 25 fast and frequent Metro Rapid routes along with all the municipal carriers. See it online at metro.net.

Places To Go, Things To See… And Metro Discounts, Too! Don’t let the high cost of driving ruin your days o=. Metro has convenient bus and rail routes to most Southland destinations. Plus, Metro riders enjoy special discounts each month on a variety of concerts, sporting events, plays, family entertainment and more. Check the latest Destination Discounts at metro.net.

Batter Up! New Shuttle Serves Dodger Stadium Catch the rest of the Dodger season without tra;c jams and parking hassles. Go Metro to Union Station and take the new free shuttle to Dodger Stadium. It leaves from in front of Union Station on Alameda Street beginning 90 minutes before each game. The shuttle is provided by the City of Los Angeles.

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If you’d like to know more, please call us at 1.800.464.2111, or visit metro.net.

GEN-JE-09-002 ©2008 LACMTA

matter between them.” Gordon declined to comment further. Anybody want a 30-minute prime-time spot at the Democratic Convention, probably on Tuesday night? We hear there’s an opening. Also, anybody want to be Poverty Czar for President Obama? Get your resumes in before the rush next week, when The New York Times is finally forced to do a story. Let’s hope it’s a bit better sourced than that “John McCain screws his lobbyist young-Cindy lookalike on corporate jets,” because that story was totally true and look how it still somehow got discredited! –KL





remember Richard Ankrom’s Guerilla Art Public Service over the 5 freeway’s downtown intersection. He handcrafted and mounted, to Caltrans standards, a “5 North” sign, where the 101 north and the 10 west split. Without it, the 5 seemed to suddenly disappear. Caltrans has since put up a replica. I sometimes think in regards to transportation: Why don’t we just do it ourselves? It would be quicker.

new lines, like the Venice bus line. A very crowded bus line,” said Joe Linton of Green Coalition L.A. In theory, the government is supposed to serve the people. In reality the government has a tendency to spit in our drink. “I think the public and bureaucracy needs DIY input to wake them up, and when bureaucracy fails, citizens should take up the slack,” stated Ankrom.

The Metro Board voted July 25 to put a half-cent increase on sales taxes on the ballot in November to fund transportation. If gas prices continue upward and the economy doesn’t stop vomiting, it has a good chance at passing. Assemblyman Mike Feuer authored the half-cent measure, officially called AB2321. I asked Ankrom what he thought of Metro’s proposal to increase the California sales tax for their big projects. “I’m a bit wary of the half-cent increase,” Ankrom stated. “The government/citizen relationship should be symbiotic.” There is nothing symbiotic about AB2321. Highway and rail apparently are the only two groups mature enough to be in a governmentsponsored relationship. The bill has given the cyclists, bus riders, and people of South Central and North L.A. a fake invite to the party. “This sales tax is, unfortunately, a carbon copy of the one [Prop. C] that forced the Bus Riders Union to sue [MTA] for a violation of Title VI and the 14th Amendment,” said Manuel Criollo, lead organizer of the Bus Riders Union (BRU). “Mayor Villaraigosa touted the tremendous success [of the Rapid Bus], but this measure doesn’t include funds for

There is a lot of slacking going on at Metro. Cycling and riding public transit in L.A. requires a DIY mentality. The bus does not seem to follow a schedule. You have to just guess what time it is going to show up. There aren’t many bike lanes. “We need more bike paths. We need bike lanes all over downtown, East L.A., South Central, pretty much whenever you see bike routes it’s going to the beach,” said Manuel Sosa, the owner of El Maestro Bike Shop in downtown L.A. So you just have to kind of guess where you can ride and not get killed. Many times, DIY stuff (not done halfassed) works out pretty well. In Atwater Village, after waiting and waiting and waiting for a bicycle lane, a group of people decided to build their own bike lane. It got buffed out a week later. The “This is a DIY bike lane” sign made this one too obvious. But no one got killed. “Equity is a term that has been thrown around a lot. I’ve always believed it’s been important to look at equity in terms of bringing opportunities, access and ability to all,” said state Sen. Sheila Kuehl. That would depend on what the definition of “all” is.✶

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OUR BAD WAR IN AFGHANISTAN How the Taliban will retake the land BY TED RALL


ATO came to Nurat on the 11th of July. There were 70 soldiers, 45 of them members of the American troop complement that has occupied Afghanistan since the fall of 2001 and 25 members of President Hamid Karzai’s ragtag national army. But the air isn’t thick enough at that altitude for helicopters to operate reliably; the men had to drag most of their gear up to their new outpost in a high valley on the border of Kunar and Nuristan provinces. There they built their small combat outpost, one of a string of such spartan facilities along the country’s remote eastern frontier abutting Pakistan’s Tribal Areas. Residents of the Weygal Valley did not greet them warmly. U.S. forces attached to NATO’s International Security Assistance Force (ISAF), sometimes deploying unmanned Predator planes, had been blowing up local civilians with seemingly reckless abandon. Seventeen Afghans, including doctors, were killed nearby a week before the establishment of the mini-base at Nurat. In a country where American attacks on wedding parties are so routine they have become a cliche, the deaths of 47 people in Nangahar province two days later – including the bride – prompted 150 tribal leaders from Weygal to travel to Kabul to lodge a complaint with President Karzai. Karzai repeatedly postponed the meeting, and they eventually left in disgust. It was July 11. Two days later, in the early morning of July 13, hundreds of Taliban fighters routed the NATO force at Nurat. Nine Americans were killed; 15 more and four Afghans were wounded. The base has since been abandoned. The village is under Taliban control – a state of affairs that the locals, disgusted with NATO’s indiscriminate use of air power, seem to prefer. The incident at Nurat is only the most recent example of the U.S. military being forced to evacuate a base it had built. Routs have become so commonplace in Afghanistan that official spokespeople have even come up with a new word for the loss of a facility: “disestablished.” Disestablished – or perhaps more succinctly, “unestablished” – serves as a succinct description of the situation in post-Taliban Afghanistan. The basic components of a viable nation-state – security, infrastructure, cohesive central control – remain unestablished more than six years after the fall of Kandahar to forces of the Northern Alliance, an ad hoc group of warlords armed and funded by Russia, Iran, and neighboring states during the Taliban

era of the late 1990s, and who later found a deeper-pocketed patron in the U.S. after 9/11. “Nation building lite,” the term State Department officials used to brag about the United States’s shoestring commitment to the Karzai regime, now looks more like malign neglect.


t is disappointing,” the Democratic National Committee said in a statement July 24, “that John McCain doesn’t recognize that the war in Afghanistan was not only the first major conflict after 9/11, and is in fact a major front in the fight against terrorism. No wonder John McCain doesn’t understand why the American people are looking for new leadership that will bring the war in Iraq to a responsible end so we can direct the resources we need to getting the job done in Afghanistan.” The truth, as usual, is more complicated. There were two major jihadi training camps in Afghanistan during the late 1990s, but both were closed before 9/11. Osama bin Laden and his Al Qaeda lieutenants lived near Kandahar during the late 1990s, but had left by 9/11. On 9/11, Al Qaeda, the training camps, and bin Laden were all in Pakistan – the latter in a Pakistani military hospital. The Taliban government would have collapsed without arms and money from Pakistan’s Inter-Services Intelligence Agency. Before 2000, Afghanistan was indeed a “major front in the fight against terrorism.” But the U.S. didn’t invade then. When it did go in, and throughout the subsequent occupation, the best moral justification for the war in Afghanistan became: getting warmer. The “good war” – the war that Barack Obama and other Democrats say we should be fighting, the war represented in countless political memes as “the ball” that Bush “took his eye off” when he became distracted by the war in Iraq, the war to which Obama promises to dispatch 10,000 more troops in a new “surge” – has never looked less winnable. (“I don’t think there is any doubt that we were distracted [by the invasion of Iraq] from our efforts to hunt down Al Qaeda and the Taliban,” Obama told CBS News in one of his typical recent iterations.) “Afghanistan – The Right War,” shouted the cover of Time magazine’s July 28 issue. So many Afghan provinces have fallen under direct Taliban control that NATO has been forced to offer them legal recognition. June 2008 was the single deadliest month for U.S. ➤

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soldiers in Afghanistan since bombs started raining on Kabul in October 2001. The month featured two startling developments: a daring Taliban raid on a prison that freed hundreds of prisoners, many of whom rejoined their comrades-in-arms, and the incipient full-scale offensive by thousands of Talibs against the city of Kandahar. Four hundred seventy-six Americans, and tens of thousands of Afghans, have died in the war that began in October 2001. Yet America and its allies will almost certainly lose the war in Afghanistan. “The Taliban is likely to maintain or even increase the scope and pace of its terrorist attacks and bombings in 2008,” confirms a Pentagon analysis, anticipating a summer offensive that some South Asia experts predict could presage the endgame: the return of Taliban rule nationwide next year.

road in Khanabad, where I noticed a group of Afghan Tajiks, including an old guy with a long beard, weeping quietly in the street. A couple of U.S. soldiers had kicked down a door and were inside a house, presumably searching for weapons. “During Soviet times, under the Taliban, even during the civil war, no one dared break into a man’s home,” the old man told me. “No one. Even if the Taliban came to execute you, they knocked on the door politely and waited for you to come outside.” I knew we weren’t going to win

even rape suspects with broomsticks. Our president violates basic civil rights, going so far as to sign off on torture. But even in the most dangerous neighborhoods in the most crime-ridden cities in the U.S., law and order exists. If you shoot someone, a witness will almost certainly call the police, who will come as quickly as possible to take you to jail. This is not true in Afghanistan. When I was there during the late fall of 2001, my Afghan translator expressed amazement at my suggestion that we meet for dinner

“After we kill them all, however, they are welcome to come back as tourists and friends.”


ast week I received a request for an interview by a news affairs radio program in northern California. “As you are probably aware, it is not easy to find an American voice that advocates a U.S./NATO withdrawal from Afghanistan,” the producer wrote. “For example, I got an e-mail today from a progressive media group with a list of possible speakers, all of whom highlighted the purported reemergent Taliban/Al Qaeda threat.” I declared Afghanistan unwinnable in 2001 and have since authored three books explaining why. To my knowledge, I remain the only syndicated columnist or editorial cartoonist in America who thinks we should get out of Afghanistan as well as Iraq. How did I know the Afghan War would go bad? Many factors entered my analysis, but two incidents I witnessed in November 2001 crystallized my pessimistic point of view. The first was the way Afghans of various political and ethnic affiliations treated one of my fellow journalists, a Russian radio correspondent who had served in the Soviet army that occupied Afghanistan in the 1980s. They loved him! I asked them why. “We love Russian people,” they’d say. “But you killed them mercilessly,” I’d reply. “Of course,” they’d explain. “They were invaders. Invaders must be killed.” What about Americans? “Of course, Americans too,” they’d say, a little sadly. “After we kill them all, however, they are welcome to come back as tourists and friends.” The second incident took place on a dirt

then and there. Word of the Americans’ treatment of Afghan men – flexicuffing them, grinding their faces into the dirt with their boots, placing bags over their heads – spread quickly. Battles were still raging in Kunduz and Kandahar between the U.S.’s allies and Taliban holdouts, but the Americans had already lost the war for hearts and minds. What went wrong? How did a war marketed as a defensive police action to bring terrorists to justice (and, as an added bonus, liberate millions of oppressed women) lose its moral imperative so quickly? Why did so many Americans – including millions who would later march in the streets to protest the Iraq War – fail to see that it had been lost? It is impossible for a citizen of the United States of America to understand what it’s like to live in a place without law and order. In the Land of the Free, rogue policemen harass black drivers, sell drugs,

at 6 p.m. “That’s after dark,” he said. “We will be killed.” I asked him what the odds were of encountering trouble. “No odds,” he replied. “Death is certain.” Like most Afghans, Jovid had never been outside the confines of a walled compound with reinforced bulletproof doors at night. Unchallenged street violence makes other issues recede in importance. I watched a boy – he couldn’t have been older than 15 – level his AK-47 and fire randomly into a group of women walking across a village square in Kunduz province. Bouncing in the back of a shockless Soviet pickup truck, my eyes met those of my traveling companions – heavily armed Northern Alliance soldiers, Afghan Tajiks, fellow reporters. No one said a word. There was nothing we could do. In a place where you can shoot people just for fun, where the average life expectancy is 43, you don’t care about racial equality or women’s rights or freedom of the press. The environment is an abstraction. All

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you dream about is the ability to walk down the street. One of my colleagues, a Swedish cameraman named Ulf Stromberg, made the mistake of opening his door at about four in the morning. Two kids, probably Northern Alliance soldiers, robbed him of his cash and satellite phone, and shot him to death. I went to the new government’s local office in Taloqan to file a report the next day. “What for?” he asked. “When things calm down,” I explained, “you could launch an investigation.” He let out a grim chuckle and waved me toward the door. “Things don’t calm down here.” Except, of course, under the Taliban. In early 1994, 30 students (“talibs”) of a oneeyed village priest named Muhammed Omar told him that a local warlord’s militiamen had created a checkpoint, not only to shake down drivers but to rape girls. “How could we remain quiet when we could see crimes being committed against women and the poor?” Omar asked Pakistani journalist Rahimullah Yusufzai. Ordering his charges to grab 16 guns, Mullah Omar’s avengers executed the mujahedeen rapists, creating a vigilante legend that would eventually lead him to supreme power. The Pashtun-dominated Taliban were brutal and capricious rulers. They were particularly hard on areas dominated by other ethnic groups such as Uzbeks, Tajiks, and the Hazara. Fun – music, movies, kites, even keeping pigeons – was banned. Women whose burqas revealed a patch of skin were beaten by the roving thugs of the Ministry for the Prevention of Vice (an idea suggested by the Taliban’s Saudi allies). And they took hammers to artifacts in the national museum. But, if nothing else – mostly, it was nothing else – the Taliban delivered law and order. Justice was sure, swift, extreme, and effective. Violent crime plummeted. For the first time since the Soviet invasion in 1979, it became possible to drive the length of Afghanistan without encountering a single militia checkpoint, much less a robber. When the Taliban left, anarchy returned. Pentagon experts estimated that invading and occupying Afghanistan with sufficient

troop density to provide street-level law and order would have required between 400,000 and 500,000 soldiers, the same number General Shinseki famously wanted for Iraq. (Afghanistan has about the same population and square mileage as Iraq, but with far more challenging, extremely mountainous terrain.) Instead, a few thousand CIA operatives and Special Forces units parachuted into northern Afghanistan, doling out millions of dollars in cash to figures who controlled private armies, like Ishmail Khan of Herat, Tajik General Muhammad Atta (not the 9/11 hijacker), and Uzbek warlord Rashid Dostum, based near Mazar-e-Sharif. U.S. airstrikes “softened” Taliban positions (as of 9/11, only about 300 Al Qaeda fighters were left in all of Afghanistan), allowing America’s newly purchased allies to walk in. To Western eyes, it was a brilliant strategy. The Taliban melted away into the mountains. The Northern Alliance took power in Kabul. But it set the stage for three catastrophic problems. First, the Taliban weren’t really defeated. Adhering to the classic guerilla tactics that Afghans had employed in their wars against Great Britain and the USSR, they laid low, waiting to regroup while studying their adversaries. Second, the occupation was so thin that Afghans in much of the country could go weeks or months without catching a glimpse of an American soldier. Throughout the first year of the occupation, with the war against the Taliban deemed “won” by an arrogant and triumphalist Bush administration, only 8,000 U.S. forces were deployed – the majority holed up at Bagram airbase near Kabul, by far the safest city in the country. I asked a Pentagon spokesperson why they were there rather than quelling the violence in places like Jalalabad and Helmand province, where warlord militiamen were making many Afghans nostalgic for the Taliban. “Because they’re safer there,” she explained. Which brings

us to the third disastrous outcome of the American strategy: allowing the warlords to rule each area under their control as medieval fiefdoms. Balkanization worked out well for the residents of Herat, where Khan’s access to Turkmenistan’s electrical grid and control of lucrative customs posts at the Turkmen and Iranian borders brought in enough cash to build Afghanistan’s own Wally World, complete with paved streets, uniformed police officers, and working traffic signals. General Dostum’s Mazar turned ugly,

early proposal from Colin L. Powell, then the Secretary of State, and Mr. Karzai, the administration’s handpicked president, for a large international force.” Today there are 53,000 forces under NATO and U.S. command fighting in Afghanistan. Even Obama’s proposal for an additional 10,000 wouldn’t get troop strength anywhere near the magic half-million. With the economy in shambles and the military stretched in Iraq and at foreign bases around the world – UC San Diego professor Chalmers Johnson counts more than 500,000 full-time service

Average Life Expectancy: 43.

beginning with his systemic weekend-long massacre of 10,000 Taliban POWs, under the supervision of U.S. Special Forces. Outside the limited control of the “Mayor of Kabul,” Afghanistan returned to the warlordism, and a low-grade version of the civil war that reduced it to rubble between 1992 and 1996. Karzai tried to buy off the warlords by offering them cabinet posts, only to lose whatever credibility he might have once enjoyed. “I watched the Taliban stone rapists,” a woman told me. “Now the rapists are in the government.”


n a move that foreshadowed America’s trouble in Iraq,” The New York Times reported in 2007, “[Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld] failed to anticipate the need for more forces after the old government was gone, and blocked an

personnel stationed overseas in areas not including Iraq – we simply can’t afford a fullfledged “flood the field” strategy. Others complain about the slow – a less charitable reading would be “non-existent” – pace of construction projects in the world’s poorest country. Only about $3.4 billion a year has been allocated for Afghan reconstruction, less than half of the budget for Iraq – which was in far better shape. Moreover, no one knows what happened to the money. Five years into the occupation, the Times reported that not even a single building had been erected in Afghanistan thanks to U.S. foreign aid. “The international community has spent many billions of dollars toward the nation’s reconstruction,” writes Nancy Hatch Dupree, director of the American Center at Kabul University. “Yet not much progress can be seen. Poor management and lack of coordination among aid agencies are the major reasons for this dismal record.”

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Only one highway had been paved – a road to service a pipeline to carry Kazakh oil and Turkmen gas from Herat to Kandahar. A military advisor said: “I could count on the fingers of one or two hands the number of U.S. government agricultural experts” in Afghanistan, a nation whose economy is 80 percent farming. “I said from the get-go that we didn’t have enough money and we didn’t have enough soldiers,” said Robert Finn, U.S. ambassador to Afghanistan from 2002 to 2003. By 2005 it became statistically more dangerous for a U.S. soldier to serve in Afghanistan than Iraq. “I’m saying the same thing six years later,” said Finn. The Democratic narrative, picked up by Barack Obama in his presidential bid, has 51 percent of Americans still convinced that that the war in Afghanistan is worth fighting. A recent ABC News-Washington Post poll finds that 44 percent of the public thinks things are going well there – down from 70 percent in 2002, but still significantly more than the views of journalists, military experts, and scholars who follow Afghanistan and Central Asia carefully. Their conventional wisdom is that forced withdrawal is imminent, anywhere from two to five years away – leading to surprising attempts to issue blame. “Afghanistan’s President Hamid Karzai is not doing as much as he should to build an effective administration,” The Economist argued recently. “And George Bush is not doing as much as he could to twist Mr. Karzai’s arm.” Karzai has faults, but they pale next to his weaknesses – direct control of about 10 percent of his nation’s territory, an empty treasury, and a powerful, comparatively well-funded neighbor, Pakistan, that arms and funds the resurgent Taliban. If Afghanistan falls out of the U.S. orbit, it won’t be Karzai’s fault. In the final analysis, the outcome of the current effort to tame the Hindu Kush may come down to the possibility that colonialism is dead. Throughout the 20th century, no nation has ever successfully occupied another one. It may have taken time, not to mention bloodshed, for citizens of a nation-state to force out invaders. In the end, however, occupying armies have always been forced to withdraw.✶ Ted Rall, president-elect of the American Association of Editorial Cartoonists, is the author of three books on Afghanistan, including To Afghanistan and Back and Silk Road to Ruin.





Herbed elegance at Azeen’s Afghani Restaurant BY RICHARD FOSS



he news stories have created the impression of all things Afghani as turbulent, violent, and vivid. Their cuisine shows another side of the national character. When not engaged in war, sport, or war as a sport, Afghans enjoy a very sophisticated style of dining. Though there are several Afghan restaurants in San Diego and Orange County, at this time there is only one (to our knowledge) in greater Los Angeles – Azeen’s, located in a lively neighborhood in Pasadena. The murals on the walls depict the Afghanistan that doesn’t make the news – horsemen riding through snowy or sere mountain landscapes, vistas of ancient towers and castles, and the serene Buddha of Bamiyan before its tragic vandalization into rubble. The small, softly lighted restaurant has an upscale feel, with comfortable modern furniture, white tablecloths, and candles on the tables.

Afghan and Persian cuisines are similar in many ways – less spicy than Indian or Pakistani cuisine, and based on meat and rice with onion, garlic, and bell pepper as major flavors. Unlike those cuisines, Afghans make pastas such as the one we started our meal with – aushak, leek-filled dumplings topped with a yogurt and mint sauce ($6.50). By themselves, the four thin-skinned raviolis had a pleasant mild onion taste, but the tangy sauce of yogurt, ground lamb, and mint made them a delight. Aushak is offered as a starter or main course, and I can easily see why someone would make a meal of these. After the dumplings were gone we mopped up the rest of our sauce on the plate with bread – not the naan of Pakistan or Persian flatbread, though they do eat both in Afghanistan, but slices from an oval loaf as is typical in Central Asia. Afghan cuisine also includes several kinds of turnovers, including a samosa

that is almost indistinguishable from the Indian snack and a quite different version called bulanee ($5.50). Bulanees are fried pastries stuffed with potato, ground beef, and mild herbs – tasty by themselves, but excellent with mint chutney or the extra yogurt sauce left over from the aushak. Two wide, flat bulanees were included in our order, and we might have asked for another plate of them had we not seen the size of the entrees heading for neighboring tables. We had decided on lamb kebabs ($19.90) and a rice dish called smarook challai ($15.90) – chicken, mushrooms, onion, and bell peppers in a mild gravy over a lightly herbed fried rice. The stew over rice was surprisingly un-exotic, comfort food that transcends boundaries. The sauce had a buttery mushroom flavor with the onion and bell pepper used in moderation, every flavor distinct and in balance. As with many comfort foods, it can be hard to describe the allure of such a dish – suffice it to say that there’s a major difference between things that are bland and those that are subtle. I enjoy big flavors, exuberant spicing, but I savored every bite of this entree. I had expected a bit more zing from the roasted entree, and was surprised when the dominant flavor of the lamb kebab was lamb. There were hints of other things, herbs more scented than tasted, the smoky infusion of charcoal, a dash of salt and pepper. It was far from the spicy jolt you expect from a tandoor oven, but that was just fine. Afghans like to taste the quality of the meat, and this was first class, tender and flavorful. We paired our meal with a bottle of BV Pinot Noir – Azeen’s keeps it around for infidels like me who enjoy a sip with their meals. They were out of the Syrah that would have worked a bit better with these dishes, but the Pinot proved that the general mildness of Afghan cuisine makes it very wine-friendly. We finished our meal with an unusual baklava ($4) – not the sticky, syrupy-sweet thing that you find in most restaurants, but a light, crisp tube filled with nuts and just enough honey to taste like a perfect kiss. I had hoped to try their firnee, the almond and pistachio pudding that is the most typical Afghan dessert, but we were dining late and they were sold out. It gives us a reason to return, as if we needed one. The genteel Afghan experience is one I could savor often, a reminder that there is much more to this culture than will ever make the evening news.✶ Azeen’s, 110 E. Union St., Pasadena, (626) 683-3310. Open for lunch Mon.-Fri., 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m.; dinner daily 5:30 p.m.-9 p.m. Beer and wine served, corkage $8. Some vegetarian/vegan options.

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Rockn’ Downtown ... The new dining and entertainment complex at the corner of Figueroa and Olympic will have the upscale chains you’d expect, like PF Chang’s and Lucky Strike Bowl and Dine, and also one newcomer – a branch of the phenomenally successful Rockn’Fish restaurant. After years of turning down offers to franchise or clone his Manhattan Beach operation, owner Mike Zislis decided the time is right to introduce his New Orleans-inspired steaks and seafood to the inland crowd. Conventioneers be warned – the Navy Grogs pack a wallop. Don’t say I didn’t warn you if you can’t find your way back to your hotel ... . Naked Dinner ... 55 Degree Wine in Glendale is hosting an unusual event Monday – pairings of Japanese sushi and Italian wine in their cellar. It’s not as far-fetched an idea as it might appear – Naples has a tradition of dining on raw fish called Crudo, and there are Italian wines that are magnificent with lightly cooked fish. The food may be a flawless match, but how are they going to reconcile the atmosphere of a wine cellar and a sushi bar? It’s the kind of question that could flummox a master of feng shui. Call (323) 662-5556 and ready your kimono and fedora ... . Antidisestablish ... I didn’t know that there was a wine called Cole Bailey’s Sesquipedalian until just now, and I already want to try a glass. What wine can have a character best described as “needlessly using long words?” You can find out if you attend the tasting and dinner Tuesday at Palihouse Bistro. They’re serving some delightfully named items to complement the wine – “Napoleon of peekytoe crab” sounds like something out of James Joyce’s Ulysses, but is actually an appetizer. You can learn the rest of the menu and reserve a space by calling (323) 656-4020 ... . Salty ... I can’t tell you offhand where Angelenos went for a good steak 71 years ago, but I can tell you where they went a year later – to Lawry’s Steakhouse, which celebrates the big 7-0 this month. Founder Lawrence Frank had run a potato chip stand and the Van De Kamp bakery before starting his own business, and his son and grandson still own the place. Many people who have never eaten at the restaurant are fond of their seasoned salt, a condiment on store shelves around the nation. Here’s wishing you another 70 years on that corner of La Cienega. –Richard Foss We accept tips: RichardFoss@ earthlink.net.


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ll is right with the world. Ha! Weren’t expecting that, were you? No doom and gloom, no carcinogenic dildos, no ranting about how the 5.8 quake was just prologue to The Rapture, no whining about how god-awful the human race has been for the planet. The only races I care about are going down now in the tiny parish of Beijing, where the 29th Olympiad is uniting the world’s most ass-kicking HGH-free athletes. And in the “one world, one dream� spirit of the special family-reunion feelings that fill my heart just once every four years (because the Winter Olympics are lame), I request a 16-day moratorium on China-bashing, at least where their crap environmental record is concerned. This will be difficult for diehard greenies, to whom the Chinese population may as well be a vast conspiracy of baby-seal-clubbers, their exhaustively documented mass consumption all the more irritating because they stay so thin. And no, their eco-record hasn’t exactly been Grist List material. Though their ecological footprint is below the per capita world average, China is the world’s largest CO2 offender, having nearly doubled its emissions in the last decade. They use 15 percent of the planet’s resources, make half the world’s cement and build two coal-fired generators a week. Breathing in Beijing is roughly equivalent to sucking on a Harley exhaust pipe. Ordinarily, I’d be decrying these “Green Games� as anything but. I’d question the appropriateness of granting the honor of hosting Heracles’s celebration of all things swifter, higher, and stronger to a country so insensitive to its impact. But here’s the thing: I think they really are trying. One-third of China’s emissions are thanks to manufacturing exports (like, say, your Nikes, or my new MacBook), their recycling businesses are among the world’s largest, and they deployed more wind turbines than any other country last year. Also, Michael Phelps might win eight freaking gold medals. Eight! So, because I have a fiery Olympic fever, part of me – the part that prioritizes superhuman feats of athletic prowess over the fate of mankind – is cutting Beijing some slack.


he world did us such a favor 24 years ago, when all eyes were on the sickeningly unyielding first-stage haze threatening the ’84 Los Angeles Games. Civic leaders took the same steps

that Beijing is now taking to a much higher degree: asking factories to cut production (forcing tens of thousands of workers to go on compulsory vacation with reduced pay, by the way), shifting commercial traffic to off-peak hours or eliminating it altogether, and prematurely promising the rest of the world that all was peachy keen. Beijing has the hard luck of hosting the Olympics at a time when ecoinsensitivity is the hot new sin. Every athlete that shows up wearing a gas mask or crimson contact lenses is one more blow to the city’s literally murky image. Clearing the air has been anything but simple, despite China’s spending $17 billion on antipollution measures in recent years. Greenpeace reported that the smog level is still twice as high in the city as the maximum recommended by the World Health Organization – the grime blanketing the Olympic stadiums is what depression would look like if it were weather. The city of 17 million strong went into emergency mode two weeks prior to kickoff, yanking half its cars off the roads, closing down factories, opening new subway lines, hiking up gas prices, and discounting mass transit tickets. Their public transport puts most U.S. cities’ to shame. Beijing has even outlawed smoking in public areas, fining the bejesus out of the rebels who insist on lighting up. Granted, in the face of the worst air quality this side of a gas chamber, banning smoking to ease Beijing pollution is like Chili’s refusing to serve ranch dressing with an Awesome Blossom – it might be less deadly, but death will still follow. Anyway, it’s a step in the right direction, and that’s not the only upside: Toxicologists are flocking to the capital to test just how much we can change air quality, as well as the impact of pollution on a baby’s lungs and the economic costs of paralyzing industry. Those toxicologists have all the fun. After Aug. 24, I’m all for picking up where we left off on knocking China for its shoddy treatment of the planet. But until then, let’s call a onetime truce. I know I’ll shed a tear when that torch blazes up – a torch whose relay covered 85,000 miles, most of them on its own private jet, meaning that it spews about as much greenhouse gas as 311 Angelenos do in a year. That’s about twice the carbon footprint of the average Chinese national, by the way. So please, give Beijing a break. A little doom and gloom never killed anybody.âœś

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ld pal Heather and I each had an armful of bratwurst and bottled water on Saturday night, and I was carrying around an oversized “helmet fries� to make things more difficult. It was the bottom of the first inning. The Diamondbacks had gone out scoreless in their half, and now Juan Pierre was on base after a bunt that should have been called foul. Instead, Pierre got credit for a leg single and would be praised in the papers the next day for his hustle and gamesmanship, despite the fact that he didn’t see first base again for the rest of the day. Kemp was now up. “We need to sit down, immediately,� I said to Heather. “Manny is coming.� “Oh my,� she said. Heather’s from Kansas, so sometimes she says things like that, and she’s a good companion at Dodger games. Unlike some of my other invited guests, who must endure my very particular way of going about my fanbusiness, she seems to genuinely enjoy my strategy of sitting in a different loge seat every inning, staying ahead of the ushers and continually upgrading until, at last, you’re in the coolbreeze padded seats on the railing, right down the first-base line. She’s willing to suffer through some lesser seats to get there. In this case, with half the fan base still stuck on the 110 or shotgunning PBR in the parking lot, we had our pick. We squatted in time to see Kemp fly out and Pierre tag up and take second, another useless “hustle� play that could really have killed the inning. Martin came up and quickly ground to second, with Pierre advancing to third. Then Manny stepped to the plate, dreadlocks gently flopping down his back, and baseball time stopped. Flashbulbs exploded in a display only matched, in my memory, by the games where Barry Bonds was chasing his record. This, though, was no sideshow; Manny was our guy, amazingly, brought here to deliver the Dodgers from the mediocre purgatory that had mired them for two decades. The crowd, naturally, went bezonkers, as crowds often do when anticipating a knockout. The night before, in his first game as a Dodger, Manny had faced Randy Johnson, who will one day be his neighbor in the Hall of Fame. But poor Yusmierio Petit never had a chance. On the second pitch, maybe the third, Manny launched one into the left-field bleachers so quickly that I barely had time to put down my fries. Suddenly, all around me, fat men, previously strangers to one another, were hugging, their eyes alight with redemptive satisfaction. Manny took a curtain call, the Dodgers were up 2-0, and that was most of what they needed as they grinded out a 4-2 win. It had been a long week at the park for me. I went on Wednesday, the last night of the pre-Manny era. Torre put out what

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pre-Manny Dodger fans referred to as the “good lineup.â€? This meant no Juan Pierre (though I guess Andruw Jones going ohfor-three kind of canceled out the joy). Chad Billingsley shut out the Giants and the final out was recorded on an epic play at home plate. With that legendary game in my hip pocket, I kept ESPN News on all day Thursday, praying that Ned Colletti wouldn’t do something stupid like trade Matt Kemp to Pittsburgh for Jack Wilson. Instead, the news was “the Dodgers get Manny Ramirez.â€? Here I thought I’d be going to a funeral, and instead, a rave broke out. I dropped to my knees, pumped my fist, and shouted “Yes! Yes! YEEEEEEEEES!â€? The fact that I did this while alone in my basement did not make it less pathetic. Also, I had tickets for that night, but Manny wasn’t going to make it to L.A. in time. So instead I had to watch Andruw Jones go 0-4 against Brandon Webb, and the Dodgers lost the first game of a really important series to the D’Backs, 2-1. The next day, I went to the X Games, thinking, “Well, I have a sports column. I really should go to the X Games.â€? Also, it was free on Friday. While I understand that many people love the X Games and that the people who participate in the X Games are really talented and cool, I would have had more fun at a hardware convention. Plus, the Home Depot Center is a fucking haul from my house, and if I’m going to drive 25 miles to a sporting event, you can’t make the Spanish guy who lives in Norway whip a motorcycle off a really high dirt mound, perform a trick called the “Kiss of Death,â€? and then have to do the run again because of some obscure “timing problem.â€? That was the coolest thing I’d seen all day, and it didn’t count. I got out early and went home to watch Manny’s debut with the Blue, where he infamously grounded into a double play in the ninth, and the Dodgers lost again, 2-1. Nobody blamed Manny, but fans threatened revolt if Joe Torre ever again deployed Andruw Jones to do anything except take over in center field in the eighth inning of a 13-2 blowout. Saturday, we’ve already discussed, and then I watched from home on Sunday as Manny went 4-for-5 and the Dodgers totally stomped the D’Backs 9-3. Casey Blake, also recently picked up from the American League, got some key hits, too, and I had to give credit to the management on this one. I’ve been very hard on them in this space (and I’m sure they’ve been crushed by my withering critiques), but they really nailed it on this trade deadline. Yes, they sent away some good young players, but now this team looks ready to explode. Getting Manny was just a miracle, and we’re all grateful. Assuming that Torre is smart enough to play Ethier over Pierre.âœś



Stepping Stone Sudoku Each circled square in this sudoku is the same number of steps away from another circled square with the same digit in it as the digit in those two circled squares. For example, a circled square with a 3 in it will have another circled square with a 3 in it exactly 3 steps away. Conversely, a square that is not circled will not have another occurrence of its digit that many steps away. A step is a move into a horizontally or vertically neighboring square (diagonally doesn’t count). Note that none of the circled squares contains the digit 1, because that would require a second 1 in the same row or column. Also note that the number of steps in a path between two squares is counted as the smallest number of steps required to travel between those two squares.When you’re done, as in a standard Sudoku, each row, column, and 3x3 box will contain the digits 1-9 exactly one time. Don’t be scared, you can do it! Or can you...? psychosudoku@hotmail.com

10 Full of bad taste? 11 Bonzo, in “Bedtime for Bonzo” 12 Hither and ___ 13 Bug of the varieties sugar, fire, and yellow crazy 21 ___ Angeleno 22 Ripken and Ripken, Jr., for two 25 Made an ass of oneself? 26 Seek retribution 27 Murano maker 28 Fluff out, like hair or a sleeve 29 Stage comeback? 30 Give rise to 31 1985 film memoir of journalist Nicholas Gage 32 Dimwitted “Blazing Saddles” character who was “only pawn in game of life” 33 “Eight Days ___” 36 They get specialized lawyers 37 Enjoys the open bar 42 Burkina ___ (Ouagadougou’s country)

46 “___ me paint you a picture” 48 Masqat resident 49 Jacques, for one 51 Mailbox alternative 52 DVR brand introduced in 1998 53 Second-to-last word of many fairy tales 54 Actor Michael of “Ugly Betty” 55 U___ (2004 NCAA Men’s Division I basketball champs, for short) 56 Shoelace snarl 57 Freestyle music session 58 Frank Sinatra ex Gardner 59 Bono ___ (Bono’s nickname, in the early days of U2) ©2008 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #0374.

Find last week’s Psycho Sudoku answers on page 45

AFE<J@EË :IFJJNFI; “Size Matters”--it’s gotta be ridiculously big by Matt Jones

Across 1 Part of FCC: abbr. 5 Fig tree 10 “Divine Secrets of the ___ Sisterhood” (2002 movie) 14 About 2.6 times the square of the length of one side, for a regular hexagon 15 Surname associated with pricey Italian violins 16 Second word of many fairy tales 17 Fringe benefit 18 Word after word or taco 19 Euro division 20 It doesn’t portray a big win nearly as well when it’s regular-sized 23 Song on the “Mamma Mia!” soundtrack 24 Things are easier to understand on his terms

28 Jury members 31 Where all addresses include @ 34 Prefix before duct 35 “Step ___ pets” (animal-friendly palindrome) 36 They’re just not funny when regularsized 38 Hexadeca-, halved 39 O’Connor who played Gabrielle on “Xena: Warrior Princess” 40 Richards and Radcliffe, for two 41 It doesn’t show nearly as much team spirit when regular-sized 43 Company whose mascot is Sonic the Hedgehog 44 “Mentalist” Geller 45 Self-evaluating question for the selfhelp crowd 46 Heavily stocked, as a ship 47 Speaker of the House Nancy 49 Provided the grub 50 It doesn’t convey ferocious fuelburning action, action, action! when it’s

regular-sized 57 Coffee 60 1993 movie involving a plane crash 61 It may have steam settings 62 Company that markets Anew 63 Paramour 64 “The Godfather” film composer Rota 65 Pad variety 66 Keep, as in an MP3 player 67 “The Simpsons” newscaster Brockman Down 1 Crunch’s rank 2 Cakesters cookie 3 Griffin who died shortly before his crossword game show debuted 4 Clears out a space 5 Stops eating 6 “If ___ be so bold...” 7 Pre-___ (H.S. math class) 8 One of three U.S. states to host the Winter Olympics 9 Non-participant

Find last week’s Jonesin’ Crossword answers on page 45

What is your favorite secret thing about Los Angeles? Your favorite Los Angeles pastime? L.A.’s best cultural treasure? Best music, art, theater, architecture? What is your favorite neighborhood and why? Or, come up with your own categories! Where in town do you go to escape?

Best responses will be celebrated in the pages of LA CityBeat's REAL. BEST. L.A. on 9/25 *Post your answers at: www.myspace.com/citybeatla, email: editor@lacitybeat.com or FAX 323.938.1771 8L>LJK .$(*# )''/ C8:@KP9<8K

C@M@E> Week of August 7


ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Do you get aroused from squeezing balloons until they explode? Do you quiver with delight as you watch popcorn pop? Have you ever been patient enough to stand in front of a ripe flower bud for hours to witness its slow explosion into full opening? If you answered yes to any of those questions, you’re in for an orgasmically pleasing week, Aries. Lots of things are going to change into something else through the process of eruption or sprouting or bursting forth. I bet you’ll dream of undersea volcanoes spurting.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

In my vision of your ideal future, you would spend the next two weeks both way out on the frontier and yet close to home. Paradoxical? Yes, but that’s the magic and mystery of the unusual opportunity you have before you. Don’t just take my word for it, Taurus: Meditate on how you could wander free on the outskirts of everything you know even as you feel as stable and secure as a monarch in your castle. Be on a far-flung adventure even as you draw deeply from the mother lode. Enjoy the pleasures of unexplored territory as you draw on the power of the familiar.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

Although the platypus is technically a furry mammal, a new study of its genetic code reveals that it also has some qualities common to birds and reptiles. It lays eggs and has venom like a snake and a bill like a duck. Sounds like it’s the perfect creature to serve as your totem in the coming week, Gemini. Life will bring you unexpected mixtures and improbable hybrids. You won’t be able to make sense of your experience if you rely on your usual categories. And I think you’ll find that the best way to attract good fortune will be to weave together threads of different colors and textures.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Write down five exciting things you love to do or think about. Take this list with you everywhere you go. On another piece of paper, name five fears or unpleasant thoughts that demoralize you. Put this list at the

back of your closet. For the next seven days, try to refrain from letting your mind wander to the things on the bad list. Meanwhile, undertake an aggressive campaign to cultivate, seek out, and enjoy the five exciting things that you love to do and think about. In fact, any time you notice your attention veering toward the negative stuff, immediately steer it toward the positive. Don’t worry, this exercise won’t turn you into a brain-dead optimist. After all, you’ll only do it for a week. The items on the second list will still be there when you’re done. Or will they? Maybe they will have mutated into something more manageable.

Libra, I ask you to prove him wrong. Show yourself and everyone who looks to you for inspiration that real change can be motivated by an exuberant lust for life -by a generous longing to risk adventures that will yield greater rewards.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

When British rock legend David Bowie came to America for his first tour in 1973, he said he felt like a fly in a glass of milk. He was half-drowning in a flood of interesting new sensations and perceptions, while at the same time he was greedily drinking it all in, stoked with fascinated joy. According to my astrological projections, Leo, you’re in that fly-in-the-milk state yourself, or will soon be.

The guy who gave his name to North and South America was a pickle salesman and writer as well as an explorer. After a stint in Spain selling his vitamin C-rich pickles to outbound ships, Amerigo Vespucci got to travel to the New World in 1499 and 1502. The stories he penned about his adventures there were highly imaginative, like his description of giant native women with huge breasts who employed poisonous fluids extracted from insects to super-size their husbands’ penises. I nominate Amerigo to be your role model in the coming weeks, Scorpio. May you, too, do what comes natural and be your funky self in ways that lead to glory and renown. (My source for the info about Amerigo is Tony Horwitz’s book A Voyage Long and Strange: Rediscovering the New World.)

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)

The light in your eyes looks a little foggy, Virgo. The fire in your belly seems to be smoldering, and your brain has been hiccupping. At least your heart isn’t exactly broken. (Though I’m tempted to make suggestions about how to fix it anyway.) Am I worried? Not at all. After the nonstop breakthroughs you enjoyed there for a while, I expected that you would eventually need time to slow down and let everything sink in. So I suggest that you cultivate a state of low-key contentment as your deep mind integrates the transformations you set in motion.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

“Two chemicals called actin and myosin evolved eons ago to allow the muscles in insect wings to contract and relax,� writes Deepak Chopra in The Book of Secrets. “Today, the same two proteins are responsible for the beating of the human heart.� Likewise, Sagittarius, actions you take or ideas you embrace in the coming days will send reverberations deep into your future. They will show up many years hence in altered form, but imprinted with the essence you give them now. This is your chance to bestow a profound blessing on the person you will later become.

I’m not a fan of renowned freemarket guru Milton Friedman, who died in 2006. His philosophy has wreaked more suffering on the world than any since Communism. (Read Naomi Klein’s The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism for the gross details.) There’s one particular keystone of his belief system that is especially important for you to rebel against in the coming weeks. He said that “only a crisis -- actual or perceived -produces real change.� In the name of all you hold holy,

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Here’s a passage from Kurt Vonnegut’s novel Breakfast of Champions: “Kilgore Trout once wrote a short story which was a dialogue between two pieces of yeast. They were discussing the possible purposes of life as they ate sugar and suffocated in their own excrement. Because of their limited intelligence, they never came close to guessing that they were making champagne.� This scenario has some resemblances to what you’re doing, Capricorn. Fortunately, you’re much

By Rob Brezsny

smarter than the two pieces of yeast, and so you will not do the equivalent of drowning in crap. But I bet you’ll create something comparable to champagne.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

“The question of evil,� writes psychologist James Hillman, “refers primarily to the anaesthetized heart, the heart that has no reaction to what it faces, thereby turning the variegated sensuous face of the world into monotony, sameness, oneness.� Your assignment in the coming week, Aquarius, is to triumph over this kind of evil in yourself. By whatever ingenious and imaginative means you can dream up, you must awaken your heart fully to the unpredictable, ever-shifting beauty and ugliness you encounter. Drink it all in like a thirsty wanderer who has just emerged from a long trek lost in the desert. [The source of Hillman’s quote is his book The Thought of the Heart and the Soul of the World.]

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)

“Dear Rob: If you were, like me, setting out on a tenyear project to become a beautiful truth-teller, having the simple goal of actually expressing the things that Everyone Ought To Say But Doesn’t, what would you do? Other than to bother your favorite truth-tellers for advice, of course! - Aspiring Fount of Truth.� Dear Aspiring Fount: In its highest expression, the Piscean style of telling the truth is ripe with emotional intelligence and a deep thoughtfulness that’s devoted to staying focused on the big picture. One of the best ways to increase your mastery of this approach is to regularly tell yourself the truth about yourself with kick-ass kindness.

In addition to the horoscopes you’re reading here, Rob Brezsny

[Editor: Here’s offers this week’s homework:] EXPANDED WEEKLY


Homework: Make Message a game Horoscopes. out of a situation you’re bored by or inTo dread In online, other go words, find a way to play accessof. them to RealAstrology.com. inThe a place where you’ve been stuck. Report by results to Expanded Audio Horoscopes are also available phone at RealAstrology.com. Click on “Email Rob.� 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700.

Rob’s main website is at FreeWillAstrology.com.

Check out his book, “Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the ---------------------------------------Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings�

Rob Brezsny “I’ve seen the future of American literature, Free Will Astrology and its name is Rob Brezsny.� freewillastrology@sbcglobal.net - Tom Robbins, author of “Jitterbug Perfume� and 415.459.7209 “Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates� P.O. Box 489


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Artists and performers came out Saturday to support the creation of the Basura Sagrada temple, a structure carefully handcrafted for months before its ceremonial immolation at the end of Burning Man. BasuraSagrada.org and BurningMan.com. Would you rather be doing weekend chores, or out dancing in the sun? This Sunday, hundreds of psytrance fans answered definitively. Greensector and Psytribe organized the gathering in Woodley Park in support of the Make-A-Wish foundation. Greensector.com and Psytribe.com. –Josh Reiss

You can see more photos from these events at www.curiousjosh.com Tell Josh about your upcoming event at events@curiousjosh.com

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Edited by Ron Garmon


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THURSDAY . LYNCH THE LANDLORD Well, this isn’t exactly going all Dead Kennedys on his ass, but you can strike a blow against the money-grubbing buggers nonetheless at the Rock for Renter’s Rights benefit at The Echo tonight. The Eviction Defense Network (EDN) has been sticking up for the rights of the sorely oppressed renting class since 2003, and property owners’ efforts to recoup recent losses out of the hides of the poor will ensure their work is needed and plentiful. Join Holloys, Mayazteca, We Are Good Friends and more for a worthy cause. 7:30 p.m. $15 at the door. 1822 Sunset Blvd., Echo Park. evictiondefensenetwork. com.


NOT THROUGH THE NOSE Opening tonight at LIMN Gallery is an intriguing “Blood for Art� exhibit built around a clever conceptual stunt by Quorum Artists of San Francisco – swap a pint of your blood for an original print by one of the 13 artists represented. This is in cooperation with the American Red Cross, and the usual restrictions apply. Help slake the national thirst for the stuff, now up to 38,000 pints a day. Opening reception 7-9 p.m.; blood drive, 10 a.m.4 p.m. LIMN, 169 N. La Brea Ave., Los Angeles. limn.com.


It’s swapped locations from Crash Mansion to The Knit, but Mondo Hollywood is still on for this weekend. Presented by Tiger Mask, the Saturday half of this two-day retro-rock jubilee features ex-Shangri-La Mary Weiss, The Guana Batz, Kim Lenz & Her Jaguars, Magic Christian (sporting the Uranium Kid likes of Cyril Jordan of Flamin' Groovies), Clem Blurke (ex-Blondie and Dramarama), and Eddie Munoz of The Plimsouls – plus Muck & the Mires and the ever-scruffy Lords of Altamont. 2 p.m. $30 advance per day or $55 for a weekend pass; day of show tickets are $40 per day or $65 for a weekend pass. Knitting Factor y, 7021 Hollywood Blvd., Hollywood. knittingfactor y.com.


The folks who gave you the Hard Festival

take over the Tropicana Bar at The Roosevelt Hotel this afternoon for a Special Disco Version pool par ty. James Murphy and Pat Mahoney from LCD Soundsystem/DFA headline this afternoon DJ event, with Jason Bentley and Destructo assisting in the turntable revels. Noon-6 p.m. $20. The Roosevelt Hotel, 7000 Hollywood Blvd., Hollywood. myspace.com/ specialdiscoversion.



Subterranean indie sneakergaze quasisensation Abe Vigoda are doing a set at their ancient howling grounds The Smell tonight, ably suppor ted by Lucky Dragons (who are also on the verge of all-over-town fame), The Urxed and Soft Circle. AV’s place in Smell lore is analogous to being the house band for a hallucination, but there are few solider achievements in L.A. rock these days. This event affords a chance at a Ron Garmon sighting, but I might just send my double; a dead-eyed ex-con whose other job is at Mann’s Chinese impersonating Rutger Hauer. $5 donation. The alleyway behind 247 S. Main St., downtown L.A. thesmell.org.


Moscow Rules is No. 1 on the NYT hardcover fiction bestseller list, and author Daniel Silva signs copies at The Mystery Bookstore today. His website describes this opus as “haunting, brilliant and ner ve-searing,� which sounds like the kind of delightful unpleasantness that’s fetched thriller fandom since the heady days of Bulldog Drummond. 7 p.m. The Myster y Bookstore, 1036-C Broxton Ave., Westwood. myster y-bookstore.com.


MacArthur Park hosts another Musica Latina at the newly restored band shell tonight with Pistolera. This alt-folklorico quartet fuses pop-rock with the more traditional Mexican idioms. Expect treats off their new album En Este Camino. 7:30 p.m. Free. Leavitt Pavilion in MacArthur Park, 2230 W. 6th St, Los Angeles. leavittla.org.

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‘Man on Wire’ re-creates a jaw-dropping high-wire exploit





n August 7, 1974, as the Watergate scandal reached its absolute height – that is, Nixon resigned the next day – a young Frenchman reached a more literal height. Philippe Petit, together with a band of accomplices, snuck into the World Trade Center, still under construction, and strung a wire between the towers, upon which Petit – an extraordinary wire-walker – not only walked, but also danced, hopped, lay down, and even playfully taunted arriving police – all at a mere 1350 feet above the hard streets and sidewalks of Manhattan. No net. No safety backup of any kind. Under “Details,� the subsequent police complaint simply said, “Man on Wire� – which filmmaker James Marsh (Wisconsin Death Trip, The King) has plucked for the title of his thrilling account of Petit’s accomplishment. Petit, then in his twenties, had a penchant for spectacular stunts: he had previously done loweraltitude versions of his tower-spanning act at Notre Dame Cathedral and the Sydney Opera House. On a certain rational level, the height shouldn’t make a difference; had Petit slipped, he would be exactly as dead from 1350 feet as from a tenth that. But physical equilibrium isn’t the only skill Petit had to summon. All three of the above events were unauthorized, but the World Trade Center exploit involved months of subterfuge and planning, climaxing in a night of strenuous, nerve-wracking activity that should have left Petit exhausted and off his game before he ever stepped out on the wire. Marsh combines stills, Petit’s home movie footage from the time, and judicious reenactments to accompany a chronological narration from Petit and a half dozen of his co-conspirators. While no actual heist was pulled off, Man on Wire is exactly like a heist film, detailing the planning, recruitment, surveillance, and execution of the caper ... complete with internal tensions, setbacks, and mistakes, some of which ironically prove beneficial. Beautifully put together, it is every bit as suspenseful as even the best Hollywood heist films, which is even

– Richard Roeper,

more remarkable when you consider that we know, from the first frame, that Petit will survive. There he is, clearly in his fifties, telling us the story. Petit himself must have the world’s most productive adrenal glands. Even today, he’s a force of sheer energy, which is appealing but has a darker side. In 1974, he loved girlfriend Annie and best male friend Jean-Louis. But his insistence that they abet him in this crazy, possibly fatal enterprise took an emotional toll. In the recent interview footage, Jean-Louis breaks down more than once, reflecting on his anxieties and sense of responsibility as the big day approached. The whole affair seems to have permanently damaged their lifelong friendship. The split with Annie also betrays Petit’s dark attraction to fame. She had helped him in his aspirations for years. Yet, after his release by the New York cops, he was supposed to immediately rejoin her and the others to meet the press, but instead kept them waiting while he boffed his first American groupie. Marsh never refers to 9/11, which certainly makes sense. First, what could he say that wouldn’t sound stupid? Second, viewers will already be thinking about it without prompting. Marsh’s single, albeit minor, misstep is that he horizontally stretches the standard-aspect-ratio home movie footage to fill the frame. Better to have black bars on the sides than to make everybody look bloated. And a caution: Acrophobiacs beware! Even though I knew Petit wouldn’t fall, and even though the climax is presented in stills – there is no film footage from the top of the towers – I had to cover my eyes frequently and sometimes felt nauseous. Just thinking about it now gives me the willies. âœś

Man on Wire. Directed by James Marsh. Based on the book To Reach the Clouds by Philippe Petit. With Philippe Petit, Annie Allix, and Jean-Louis Blondeau. Opens Friday at the Landmark West Los Angeles, Laemmle’s Playhouse 7, and Laemmle’s Town Center 5.

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LATEST REVIEWS BEAUTY IN TROUBLE The 2002 floods that devastated Prague also threaten the domesticated bliss of beautiful Marcela (Ana Geislerova) and her two young children. When flood-related hardship forces Marcela’s auto-mechanic husband Jarda to open a chop shop, it results in the theft of a Volvo owned by Benes (Josef Abrham), a wealthy, much older Czech emigre, in town to wrap up his late mother’s affairs. With Jarda behind bars, Marcela takes the kids and moves in with her weak-willed mother and manipulative, sleazeball stepfather (Jiri Schmitzer, wisely stopping short of monstrousness). When Marcela and Benes meet at the jail, she befriends him and then starts relying on his generous and genuine offerings of Tuscany lodgings and expensive meals. If the Benes character borders on sainthood, it’s only because Czech director Jan Hrebejk (the Oscar-nominated Divided We Fall) and his frequent screenwriter Petr Jarchovsky are making Marcela choose between the carnal desires satisfied by Jarda and the safety represented by Benes. It sounds melodramatic, but Hrebejk is so forgiving of, and sympathetic to, his characters that we’re swept away by the notion that Marcela deserves crackling sex and emotional security, but can’t have both. It’s a complex weave that makes for a compelling human drama about how the Devil you know can be better than the God you don’t. (Mark Keizer) (Laemmle’s Monica 4)

BOTTLE SHOCK Based on a true story, and set in 1976, Bottle Shock weaves together the stories of novice California vintner Jim Barrett (Bill Pullman), his unfocused son Bo (Chris Pine, laboring under a ridiculous wig), and struggling Parisian wine seller Steven Spurrier (Alan Rickman). Seeking a way to boost his business and reputation, Spurrier strikes upon the notion of a blind taste test for the French cognoscenti and heads to California’s thennascent vineyards, whose purveyors he regards as dilettantes, as a mere formality to round out his offerings. What he discovers alters the history of wine-making forever.

There’s a deeper, more interesting movie to be made about the Napa Valley boom, but co-writer/director Randall Miller (Marilyn Hotchkiss’ Ballroom Dancing & Charm School) seems happy to aim lower and play for lightweight delights. He stupidly foists a love triangle upon the proceedings and burns a lot of screen time on scenes that drag on well past the point at which they’ve stopped serving the greater narrative. That said, the movie looks gorgeous, and for every utterly frustrating scene, there are one or two good ones, particularly involving Rickman, as a snobby Englishman in an even snobbier French game. He’s at home in neither world, and watching him explore the mysteries of first encounters with Kentucky Fried Chicken and guacamole offers its own amusement. (Brent Simon) (Pacific’s ArcLight, Landmark West Los Angeles, Laemmle’s Monica 4, Pacific’s ArcLight Sherman Oaks, Laemmle’s Playhouse 7)

ELEGY This carefully observed autumnal character study – loosely in the vein of last year’s Starting Out in the Evening – is based on Philip Roth’s novel and directed by Isabel Coixet (My Life Without Me). The film charts the relationship between a celebrated college professor, David Kepesh (Ben Kingsley), and Consuela Castillo (Penelope Cruz), a gorgeous student who punctures his wry, protective veneer. As their affair ignites, frays, and recommences, Kepesh must come to grips with the possibility of a deeper love. As adapted by Nicholas Meyer (who also wrote the screenplay for the 2003 version of The Human Stain, another Roth novel), Elegy alternately gallops and yawns. Even at 112 minutes, it tries to cover too much ground and fails to fully keep up with the ambition of its narrative roots. The leg up it has on a lot of thematically similar tales of power-imbalanced romance is that Kepesh is a very literate, self-aware figure, so we get an articulated sense of how one no-strings-attached lover (Patricia Clarkson) is a comfortable point of contact with his former self-confidence, while a similar arrangement with Consuela scares him so. The performances here are committed and quietly engaging, and Coixet, serving as her own camera operator, beautifully captures the lingering, jangled spaces between all parties, and the ways even the most intelli-

gent among us can build up a justification for walls of isolation. (Brent Simon) (Pacific’s ArcLight, Laemmle’s Monica 4)

HELL RIDE The 666 motorcycle gang is back in town – which is to say, somewhere in the vicinity of Tucson – and on a rampage against longtime rivals The Victors. You can tell the Good Guys from the Bad Guys, because gorgeous, horny babes – and, in this universe, there’s no other kind – all practically come on the spot when Victors chief Pistolero (the film’s writer/director, Larry Bishop) greets them (even on first meeting) by fondling their naughty bits. On the other hand, they are immediately repulsed by the touch of 666 boss Billy Wings (Vinnie Jones) – a touch presumably cruder than Pistolero’s, though I can’t imagine how. The plot, laid out in a dizzying series of flashbacks and hallucinations, has something to do with Pistolero searching for the missing son of former lover Cherokee (Julia Jones), who was burned alive in 1976 by the 666ers. There are tons of indications – they’re too on-the-nose to be called “hints” – within the first 20 minutes as to the solution; and since Pistolero is privy to most of them, his failure to figure it out suggests that his brain has been permanently damaged from too much rough riding – on curvy roads or curvy broads, take your pick. Bishop – son of Joey, graduate of Beverly Hills High, and supporting player in a handful of ’60s/’70s biker flicks – seems to have thrown his prolonged-adolescence wet dream up on the screen, and I don’t mean that in an entirely negative way. The guy is roughly 60, but I guess 60 is the new 20, since he has cast himself as a brawling bad-ass, who’s always one step ahead of everyone else, despite spending every spare minute in the creation and acceptance of gonadal ecstasy. Of course, he makes himself look younger by casting 72-year-old Dennis Hopper as the gang’s eminence grise. There are occasional funny lines, though I have mixed feelings about Bishop’s love of jokey alliteration and internal rhyme, which was also displayed in his directorial debut, 1996’s Mad Dog Time. (It’s a little like Pinter dialogue ... only not.) Hell Ride applies the same template to biker films that his earlier effort did to gangster films – half homage, half exaggerated parody (with a lot of spaghetti Western elements added this time). It’s not even close to being for everybody, but it completely delivers on


Bishop’s weird ambitions; as they say, “It is what it is.” Michael Madsen, David Carradine, and Cassandra Hepburn costar. (Andy Klein) (Citywide)

MAN ON WIRE See Film feature.

THE ORDER OF MYTHS Margaret Brown (Be Here to Love Me: A Film About Townes Van Zandt ) turns her camera on her home town of Mobile, Alabama, focusing on its Mardi Gras celebrations, which predate those of New Orleans. Even as Mobile continues to have two completely separate sets of Mardi Gras activities – one for whites, the other for blacks – the white town elders insist that there’s no racism there, since the blacks don’t want to integrate the affairs either ... except they do. The city’s self-image is that it’s left the ugliness of the distant past behind. Only the ugliness isn’t that distant – there was a lynching in 1981 – and the past seeps into everything, unless you think Brown is presenting a manipulative view. I don’t think she is: the film is hardly as pessimistic as it could have been. Yes, the ancestors of the black Mardi Gras queen were illegally and brutally brought from Africa, in the period between the outlawing of the slave trade and the end of slavery, by a direct forebear of the white Mardi Gras queen; and hints of amiable racism frequently slip from the lips of white citizens, who would probably be surprised anyone could infer such a meaning. But Brown spends a lot of time with one relatively liberal member of the white queen’s court; and even the king and queen themselves seem a little savvier than their parents. This rich portrait of a culture invokes other issues: for one, there are suggestions of a class divide, almost as deep as the racial one, within the white community; for another, it is an uncomfortable irony that the black celebrations completely emulate and embrace the iconography and style of the British, with its distinctive pomp and circumstance and whiteness. Brown presents a complex, provocative view; and she ends with one of the most mysterious and chilling tag lines ever. (Andy Klein) (Nuart)

PINEAPPLE EXPRESS Smoking pot is fun, but it shouldn’t be more

fun than watching a movie about smoking pot. [Editor’s note: Sez who?] Hence the problem with the latest Bro Epic from Judd Apatow’s overworked comedy factory: dudes totally like us who have distended conversations about stuff and junk, when they should be having brief conversations about whatever situation they’ve gotten themselves into. This time, Seth Rogen is Dale, a process server and prodigious pothead, who buys some rare weed dubbed Pineapple Express from Hall of Fame stoner Saul (James Franco, actually, truly, funny). When Dale witnesses a murder by drug lord Ted (Gary Cole) and accidentally leaves a Pineapple Express-loaded joint at the crime scene, Ted traces it back to Saul; and, before long, our heroes are running for their lives. In a career turn that probably left skid marks, indie auteur David Gordon Green (George Washington) tackles a high-concept summer comedy but fails to goose up an Apatow formula that’s grown repetitive and stale. Here, the Apatovian schlub-hero has nothing substantive – like the onset of adult responsibilities that Rogen experienced in Knocked Up – to hang the antics on. So the sweetness, which provided the lasting flavor in Knocked Up and The 40-Year-Old Virgin, feels artificial, leaving us with a lazy, occasionally funny mess. But don’t be disappointed: if you wait about 20 minutes, Apatow will release another comedy that might be better. (Mark Keizer) (Citywide)

THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS 2 A sequel to 2005’s modest, well-calibrated ’tween-chick-lit hit, this picture of genial uplift reunites Alexis Bledel, America Ferrera, Amber Tamblyn, and Blake Lively as the friends who discover and share a pair of jeans that mysteriously, and perfectly, fits each of them. Having graduated from high school and branched out on their own, they find themselves caught up with flames both new and familiar, with new problems testing their commitment to keeping in touch. Condensing the narratives of three books into a single summer makes for some awkwardness, specifically in the case of Lively’s storyline, which involves both an archaeological dig in Turkey and a reconnection with her estranged grandmother (Blythe Danner). Other bits seem contrived, no matter their fidelity to the source material, but what helps all this go

“It slaps a big, fat, goofy smile on your face that lasts for days. Hardcore hilarious and the movie also has a heart. You’ll go limp from laughing!” –PETER TRAVERS

“Gut-busting comedy. Side-splittingly funny. Franco is a revelation. The laughs are almost non-stop.” – CLAUDIA PUIG

“Some of the most fun you’ll have at the movies this summer.”

“Hilarious.” –LOU LUMENICK

“The most hilarious comedy of 2008.” –BOB STRAUSS


“Memorably hilarious.”

“A pure joy.”



NOW PLAYING HOLLYWOOD ArcLight Cinemas At Sunset & Vine 323/464-4226 On 2 Screens Digital Projection Fri-Sun & Tue 11:30 AM, 2:30, 5:30, 8:30 & 11:30 PM 35MM Projection Fri-Sun & Tue 1:35, 4:25, 7:15 & 9:55 PM Mon 11:30 AM, 1:35, 2:30, 4:25, 5:30, 7:15, 8:30, 9:55 & 11:30 PM Fri & Sat Late Show 12:20 AM 4 Hours Validated Parking - $2

SANTA MONICA Mann Criterion 6 310/248-MANN #019 On 2 Screens Daily 10:50 & 11:50 AM, 1:30, 2:30, 4:10, 5:10, 7:00, 7:50, 9:50 & 10:30 PM Fri & Sat Late Show 12:30 AM

SHERMAN OAKS Arclight Cinemas At The Sherman Oaks Galleria 818/501-0753 On 2 Screens Daily 11:00 & 11:30 AM, 1:30, 2:30, 4:30, 5:30, 7:35, 8:30, 10:15 & 11:30 PM 4 Hours Free Validated Parking

CENTURY CITY AMC Century 15 • 310/289-4AMC On 2 Screens Fri & Sat 10:30 & 11:50 AM, 1:20, 2:30, 4:20, 5:30, 7:30, 8:30, 10:30 & 11:30 PM Sun 10:30 & 11:15 AM, 1:15, 2:10, 4:15, 5:05, 7:15, 8:00, 10:10 & 10:55 PM Mon & Tue 10:40 & 11:25 AM, 1:30, 2:20, 4:30, 5:20, 7:30, 8:10, 10:15 & 11:00 PM Fri & Sat Late Show 12:55 AM 3 Hours Free Parking Additional 2 Hour Parking $3.00 with AMC Validation

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UNIVERSAL CITY CityWalk Stadium 19 with IMAX® 800/FANDANGO #707 On 3 Screens Fri & Sat 10:50 & 11:40 AM, 12:30, 1:35, 2:30, 3:20, 4:20, 5:20, 6:10, 7:10, 8:10, 9:00, 10:00 & 11:00 PM Sun 10:50 & 11:40 AM, 12:30, 1:35, 2:30, 3:20, 4:20, 5:20, 6:10, 7:10, 8:10, 9:00, 10:00 & 10:50 PM Mon 12:00, 12:30, 1:35, 2:40, 3:20, 4:20, 5:20, 6:10, 7:10, 8:10, 9:00, 10:00 & 10:50 PM Tue 12:00, 12:30, 1:35, 2:40, 3:20, 4:20, 5:20, 6:10, 7:10, 8:10, 9:00, 10:00, 10:50 & 11:45 PM Fri & Sat Late Shows 11:50 PM & 12:40 AM Movie Parking Rebate $5 General Parking Rebate at Box Office with Movie Ticket Purchase (Excludes Preferred & Valet)


WESTWOOD AMC Avco 310/475-0711 Fri, Mon-Thur 1:25, 4:10, 7:05 & 9:40 PM Sat & Sun 10:50 AM, 1:25, 4:10, 7:05 & 9:40 PM

$4.00 Parking Fri-Sun/$3.00 Parking Mon-Thur At The Avco Center Parking

WEST LOS ANGELES The Bridge Cinema De Lux 310/568-3375 On 3 Screens Digital Projection Fri-Sun 11:00 & 11:30 AM, 1:40, 2:10, 4:20, 4:50, 7:00, 7:30, 9:45 & 10:15 PM Mon-Thur 11:30 AM, 1:40, 2:10, 4:20, 4:50, 7:00, 7:30, 9:45 & 10:15 PM Fri & Sat Late Show 12:30 AM 35MM Projection Daily 12:00, 2:40, 5:20, 8:00 & 10:45 PM


down like a perfectly blended fruit-shake are the lived-in, naturalistic performances of leads and supporting players alike, all capably managed by director Sanaa Hamri (Something New). Well ... also the fact that, thankfully, the movie is smart enough to ignore discussion about the specific rule – from the books, I have it on good authority – that prohibits the washing of said pants. Ewww ... . (Brent Simon) (Citywide)

SIXTY SIX It’s England, 1966, and 12-year old Bernie Rubens (Gregg Sulkin) is in danger of having The Worst. Bar mitzvah. Ever. His blind rabbi has convinced him that this single day will set the course for his entire future. So anything less than a sit-down dinner for 250 – or at least more guests than his aggro older brother Alvie (Ben Newton) had – means he’ll forever be a last-picked-at-recess loser ... just like dear old dad (Eddie Marsan), a grocer who, despite being a putz, has a knockout wife (Helena Bonham Carter in some damned fine retro wear). Bernie wants the “Gone With the Wind of bar mitzvahs – the Jesus Christ of bar mitzvahs!” And so this nice, shy Jewish boy takes up black magic against the 1966 England World Cup team to ensure they don’t dare make it to the finals nervily scheduled for his big day. Like Running with Scissors or an exceptionally cruel episode of The Wonder Years, Paul Weiland’s whimsical, eye-poppingly bright comedy is shot through with cringe-inducing misery. Watching poor Bernie’s hopes (and his family’s fortunes) get unrelentingly crushed after a supermarket opens down the block – naturally, the boy sees bankruptcy primarily as a threat to renting a fancy hotel for the affair – you might accuse writers Bridget O’Connor and Peter Straughan of sadism, except that it all happened, more or less, to director Weiland: Super-8 footage over the clos-

ing credits shows the pubescent Weiland sulking through his brother’s class act bar mitzvah. But, as long as he keeps turning out films as delightfully keen, the kid’ll be just fine. (Amy Nicholson) (Laemmle’s Royal, Laemmle’s Town Center 5)

TRANSSIBERIAN Having just completed doing “good works” in Beijing with a church-sponsored group, devout naif Roy (Woody Harrelson) and his wife, former bad girl Jessie (Emily Mortimer), board the Transsiberian Express for the six-day journey to Moscow. Roy immediately strikes up a friendship with a younger couple, Carlos (Eduardo Noriega) and Abbie (Kate Mara), but Jessie is standoffish. Not only does she instantly sense that Carlos is trying to get into her traveling pants (oops, wrong movie), but she has an even worse suspicion – that the pair may be drug smugglers. After the shit hits the fan, Jessie finds herself constructing a rickety structure of lies, which is sure to tumble down when Roy, with his unerringly bad judgment, makes a new friend – scary police detective Ilya (Ben Kingsley). The latest from Brad Anderson (Session 9, The Machinist) is an absolute nail-biter, one of the most plausible and best constructed thrillers in years. It has a great surprise roughly two-thirds through; and even a development that at first could be considered a deus ex machina, in fact, makes perfect sense. The only frustration is that the plot depends on the very perceptive Jessie making a series of stupid choices; most can be explained by her frazzled emotional state, but some are just too egregious, as when she spins new lies that are absolutely certain to exposed. Still, by the end, Jessie and Roy learn a lot of unpleasant truths about themselves – and so do we. (Andy Klein) (AMC Century 15, Loews Broadway 4,


United Artists Marina Del Rey 6, Laemmle’s Sunset 5, Laemmle’s Playhouse 7, Laemmle’s Town Center 5, AMC Burbank 16)

ALSO OPENING THIS WEEK: Retrieval (Z Odzysku). A young boxer, in love with an older woman, tries to create a normal life for her by working as muscle for a gangster. Slawomir Fabricki directed this drama, which was Poland’s entry for the foreign language Oscar two years ago. (AK) (Laemmle’s Music Hall 3)

SHOWTIMES AUGUST 8-14, 2008 Note: Times are p.m., and daily, unless otherwise indicated. All times are subject to ch ange without notice.

CULVER CITY, MARINA DEL REY The Bridge: Cinema De Lux & IMAX Theater, The Promenade at Howard Hughes Center, 6081 Center Dr, Westchester, (310) 568-3375. The Backyardigans: Race to the Tower of Power Sat only, 10 a.m.. The Dark Knight Fri-Sat 11:15 a.m., 12:45, 1:45, 2:30, 4, 5, 5:45, 7:15, 8:15, 9:05, 10:35, 11:35, 12:20 a.m.; Sun-Thur 11:15 a.m., 12:45, 1:45, 2:30, 4, 5, 5:45, 7:15, 8:15, 9:05, 10:35. Hancock noon, 7:05. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri-Sat 9:20, 12:10 a.m.; Sun-Thur 9:20. Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D Fri-Sat 11:45 a.m., 2:10, 4:35, 7, 9:30, 11:45; Sun-Thur 11:45 a.m., 2:10, 4:35, 7, 9:30. Mamma Mia! Fri-Sat 1:45, 4:20, 6:55, 9:30, midnight; Sun-Thur 1:45, 4:20, 6:55, 9:30. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor Fri-Sat 10:50 a.m., 11:20 a.m., 11:50 a.m., 1:30, 2, 2:30, 4:10, 4:40, 5:10, 6:50, 7:20, 7:50, 9:30, 10, 10:30, 12:10 a.m.; Sun 10:50 a.m., 11:20 a.m., 11:50 a.m., 1:30, 2, 2:30, 4:10, 4:40, 5:10, 6:50, 7:20, 7:50, 9:30, 10, 10:30; Mon-Thur 11:20 a.m., 11:50 a.m., 1:30, 2, 2:30, 4:10, 4:40, 5:10, 6:50, 7:20, 7:50, 9:30, 10, 10:30. Pineapple Express Fri-Sat 11 a.m., noon, 1:40, 2:40, 4:20, 5:20, 7, 8, 9:45, 10:45, 12:30 a.m.; Sun 11 a.m., noon, 1:40, 2:40, 4:20, 5:20, 7, 8, 9:45, 10:45; Mon-Thur noon, 1:40, 2:40, 4:20, 5:20, 7, 8, 9:45, 10:45.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 Fri-Sat 10:30 a.m., 1:15, 4, 6:45, 9:30, 12:15 a.m.; Sun 10:30 a.m., 1:15, 4, 6:45, 9:30; Mon-Thur 1:15, 4, 6:45, 9:30. Step Brothers Fri-Sat 11:15 a.m., 1:40, 4:05, 6:30, 8:55, 11:20; Sun-Thur 11:15 a.m., 1:40, 4:05, 6:30, 8:55. Sushi Pack the Movie Sun 10 a.m.; Tue 10 a.m. Swing Vote Fri-Sat 1:45, 4:30, 7:15, 10, 12:35 a.m.; Sun-Thur 1:45, 4:30, 7:15, 10. WALL-E 11:45 a.m., 2:10, 4:35. Culver Plaza Theatre, 9919 Washington Blvd, (310) 836-5516. Gone With the Wind Wed only, 7. Hell Ride Fri-Sun noon, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10; Mon-Thur noon, 2, 4, 6, 8. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri-Tue 2:35, 9:35; Wed 2:35; Thur 2:35, 9:35. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Mon-Thur 10. Journey to the Center of the Earth Fri-Tue 12:30, 5:05, 7:10; Wed 12:30, 5:05; Thur 12:30, 5:05, 7:10. Kung Fu Panda 3:20, 5:20. Kuselan Fri-Sun 1, 4, 7, 10; Mon-Thur 2, 5, 8. Mongol 5:05, 7:40, 10:10. Singh Is Kinng Fri-Sun 1:15, 4:15, 7:15, 10:15; MonThur 1:45, 4:45, 7:45. Space Chimps Fri-Tue 11:45 a.m., 1:30, 3:20; Wed 1:30, 3:20; Thur 11:45 a.m., 1:30, 3:20. Wanted 1, 7:20, 9:40. Loews Cineplex Marina Marketplace, 13455 Maxella Av, (310) 827-9588. Mamma Mia! Fri-Sun 11 a.m., 1:45, 4:45, 7:30, 10; Mon-Tue 1:45, 4:40, 7:30, 10:25. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor Fri-Sun 10:30 a.m., 1:20, 2:15, 4:10, 5, 7, 7:40, 9:50, 10:20; Mon-Tue 1:20, 2:15, 4:10, 5, 7, 7:40, 9:45, 10:15. Pineapple Express Fri-Sun 11:30 a.m., 2:25, 5:15, 8, 10:35; Mon-Tue 1:35, 4:30, 7:15, 10:05. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 Fri-Sun 10:15 a.m., 1:15, 4:15, 7:15, 10:15; Mon-Tue 1:15, 4:15, 7:05, 10. Swing Vote Fri-Sun 10:25 a.m., 1:30, 4:25, 7:20, 10:05; Mon-Tue 1:30, 4:25, 7:20, 10:10. Pacific Culver Stadium 12, 9500 Culver Bl, (310) 855-7519. The Dark Knight Fri-Sat 11:45 a.m., 12:50, 4, 5, 7:20, 8:20, 10:40, 11:30; Sun-Tue 11:45 a.m., 12:50, 4, 5, 7:20, 8:20, 10:40. Hancock Fri-Tue 8:10, 10:30. Mamma Mia! Fri-Tue 11:05 a.m., 1:40, 4:25, 7:10, 10:10.











3 Hours Free Parking Additional 2 Hour Parking $3.00 with AMC Validation

HOLLYWOOD ArcLight Cinemas At Sunset & Vine 323/464-4226 Daily 11:50 AM, 2:10, 4:30, 7:20 & 9:50 PM Fri & Sat Late Show 12:05 AM 4 Hours Validated Parking - $2

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WESTWOOD AMC Avco 310/475-0711 Fri, Mon-Thur 12:05, 2:25, 4:45, 7:15 & 9:35 PM Sat & Sun 11:50 AM, 2:15, 4:40, 7:15 & 9:35 PM $4.00 Parking Fri-Sun/$3.00 Parking Mon-Thur At The Avco Center Parking

SANTA MONICA AMC Santa Monica 7 • 310/289-4AMC Fri-Sun 11:50 AM, 2:20, 5:00, 7:45 & 10:20 PM Mon & Tue 12:30, 3:00, 5:30, 8:00 & 10:20 PM SHERMAN OAKS Arclight Cinemas At The Sherman Oaks Galleria 818/501-0753 Daily 12:05, 2:40, 5:05, 8:00 & 10:35 PM


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UNIVERSAL CITY CityWalk Stadium 19 with IMAX® 800/FANDANGO #707 On 2 Screens Daily 12:40, 1:45, 3:10, 5:40, 7:00, 8:15 & 10:40 PM Fri & Sat Late Show 12:00 Midnight

Movie Parking Rebate $5 General Parking Rebate at Box Office with Movie Ticket Purchase (Excludes Preferred & Valet)

WEST LOS ANGELES The Bridge Cinema De Lux 310/568-3375 On 2 Screens Digital Projection Daily 2:10, 4:35, 7:00 & 9:25 PM Fri & Sat Late Show 11:50 PM 35MM Projection Daily 11:15 AM, 1:40, 4:05, 6:30 & 8:55 PM Fri & Sat Late Show 11:20 PM


# HOLLYWOOD At Sunset & Vine (323) 464-4226 Thurs. 8/7: 11:10 • 1:40 • 4:40 • 7:30 10:25 Fri.- Mon.: 11:10 • 1:40 • 4:40 7:30 • 10:30 Tues.: 11:10 • 1:40 4:10 • 7:40 • 10:30

# WEST LOS ANGELES (310) 281-8233 Free Parking. www.landmarktheatres.com Daily: 11:30 • 2:15 5:00 • 7:45 • 10:25

# SANTA MONICA Laemmle’s Monica (310) 394-9741 Tickets available @ laemmle.com Daily: 1:30 • 4:10 • 7:00 9:55 Sat. & Sun.: 11:00 1:30 • 4:10 • 7:00 • 9:55

! PASADENA " SANTA BARBARA " IRVINE Laemmle’s Playhouse 7 (626) 844-6500 Paseo Nuevo Edwards University Town Center 6 Tickets available @ laemmle.com (805) 963-9503 (800) FANDANGO #143

# SHERMAN OAKS At The Sherman Oaks Galleria (818) 501-0753 Thurs. 8/7: 11:40 • 2:20 5:00 • 7:50 • 10:40 Fri.- Tues.: 11:40 • 2:15 4:50 • 7:30 • 10:55


# " !



The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor Fri-Sat 11:30 a.m., 12:45, 2:15, 4:05, 5:10, 7:30, 8:30, 10:15, 11:15; Sun-Tue 11:30 a.m., 12:45, 2:15, 4:05, 5:10, 7:30, 8:30, 10:15. Pineapple Express Fri-Sat 11 a.m., noon, 1:45, 2:45, 4:30, 5:30, 7:15, 8:15, 10:05, 11:05; SunTue 11 a.m., noon, 1:45, 2:45, 4:30, 5:30, 7:15, 8:15, 10:05. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 Fri-Tue 11:20 a.m., 2:05, 4:45, 7:40, 10:45. Step Brothers Fri-Tue 11:50 a.m., 2:20, 4:50, 7:20, 9:50. Swing Vote Fri-Tue 11:05 a.m., 1:50, 4:40, 7:50, 10:35. WALL-E Fri-Tue 11:25 a.m., 2:10, 5:45. The X-Files: I Want to Believe Fri-Tue 12:15, 2:50, 5:15, 7:45, 10:25. UA Marina, 4335 Glencoe Av, (310) 823-1721. The Dark Knight Fri-Tue 11:50 a.m., 12:50, 3:10, 4:10, 6:50, 7:30, 10:10, 10:40. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri-Tue 12:40, 3:30, 7:10, 10. Open Captioned Performance - Selected Film - Daily Fri-Tue. Step Brothers Fri-Sun noon, 2:30, 5, 7:40, 10:30; Mon noon, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10:30; Tue noon, 2:30, 5, 7:40, 10:30. Transsiberian Fri-Tue 11:30 a.m., 2, 4:30, 7, 9:50. WALL-E Fri-Tue 11:40 a.m., 2:10, 4:40. Wanted Fri-Tue 7:20, 10:20.

DOWNTOWN & SOUTH L.A. Laemmle’s Grande 4-Plex, 345 S Figueroa St, (213) 617-0268. The Dark Knight Fri 5, 8:20; SatSun 12:20, 3:40, 7, 10:20; Mon-Thur 3:40, 7, 10:20. Mamma Mia! Fri 5, 7:30, 10; Sat-Sun noon, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10; Mon-Thur 5, 7:30, 10. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor Fri 5:30, 8:10; Sat-Sun 1:40, 4:30, 7:10, 9:50; Mon-Thur 4:30, 7:10, 9:50. Step Brothers Fri 5:10, 7:40; Sat-Sun 12:15, 2:45, 5:10, 7:40, 10:10; Mon-Thur 5:10, 7:40, 10:10. Magic Johnson Theaters, Baldwin Hills Crenshaw Plaza, 4020 Marlton Av, (323) 290-5900. The Dark Knight Fri-Sat 9:30 a.m., 10 a.m., 12:10, 12:55, 1:25, 3:45, 4:15, 4:45, 7:10, 7:45, 8:15, 10:20, 11; Sun 9:45 a.m., 10 a.m., 12:10, 12:55, 1:25, 3:45, 4:15, 4:45, 7:10, 7:45, 8:15, 10:20; MonTue 12:20, 12:55, 1:25, 3:45, 4:15, 4:45, 7:10, 7:45, 8:15, 10:20. Hancock Fri-Sun 10:10 a.m., 12:30, 3, 5:35, 7:55, 10:25; Mon-Tue 12:30, 3, 5:35, 7:55, 10:15. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri-Sun 10:45 a.m., 1:35, 4:25, 7:20, 10; Mon-Tue 1:35, 4:25, 7:20, 10. Journey to the Center of the Earth Fri-Sun 11:50 a.m., 2:15, 4:40, 7:05, 9:30; Mon-Tue 2:15, 4:40, 7:05, 9:30. Meet Dave Fri-Sun 11:35 a.m., 2:05, 4:35; MonTue 2:05, 4:35. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor Fri-Sat 11:10 a.m., 11:45 a.m., 2, 2:40, 4:50, 5:30, 7:40, 8:20, 10:30, 11:05; Sun 11:10 a.m., 11:45 a.m., 2, 2:40, 4:50, 5:30, 7:40, 8:20, 10:30; Mon-Tue 2, 2:40, 4:50, 5:30, 7:40, 8:20, 10:30. Pineapple Express Fri-Sat 11:40 a.m., 2:20, 5:10, 8, 10:50; Sun 11:40 a.m., 2:20, 5:10, 8, 10:45; Mon-Tue 2:20, 5:10, 8, 10:35. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 Fri-Sun 10:40 a.m., 1:30, 4:20, 7:15, 10:05; Mon-Tue 1:30, 4:20, 7:15, 10:05. Space Chimps Fri-Sun 10:55 a.m., 1, 3:10, 5:20, 7:30, 9:40; Mon-Tue 1, 3:10, 5:20, 7:30, 9:40. Step Brothers Fri-Sun 11:55 a.m., 2:25, 4:55, 7:50, 10:35; Mon-Tue 2:25, 4:55, 7:50, 10:25. Swing Vote Fri-Sun 10:50 a.m., 1:40, 4:30, 7:25, 10:10; Mon-Tue 1:40, 4:30, 7:25, 10:10. WALL-E Fri-Sun 11:30 a.m., 2:10, 4:45, 7:15, 9:50; Mon-Tue 2:10, 4:45, 7:15, 9:50. University Village 3, 3323 S Hoover St, (213) 7486321. The Dark Knight Fri-Sat 11:30 a.m., 2:45, 6, 9:15, 12:30 a.m.; Sun-Tue 11:30 a.m., 2:45, 6, 9:15. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor Fri-Sat 11:30 a.m., 2:10, 4:50, 7:30, 10:10, 12:35 a.m.; Sun-Thur 11:30 a.m., 2:10, 4:50, 7:30, 10:10. Pineapple Express Fri-Sat 1:30, 4:15, 7, 9:45, 12:15 a.m.; Sun-Thur 1:30, 4:15, 7, 9:45. Tropic Thunder Wed-Thur noon, 2:35, 5:10, 7:45, 10:20. HOLLYWOOD ArcLight Cinemas Hollywood, 6360 Sunset Bl, (323) 464-4226. American Teen Fri-Sun 11:35 a.m., 2, 4:20, 7:10, 9:40. Bottle Shock Fri-Sun 11:10 a.m., 1:40, 4:40, 7:30, 10:30. Brideshead Revisited Fri-Sun 1:25, 4:35, 7:45, 10:45. The Dark Knight Fri-Sun 11:30 a.m., 12:35, 1:20, 3:20, 4:05, 4:50, 7, 7:40, 8:20, 10:20, 11, 11:45. Elegy Fri-Sun 11:15 a.m., 2:15, 5:15, 8:05, 10:55. Mamma Mia! Fri-Sun. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor Fri-Sat 11:05 a.m., 1:05, 1:55, 4:15, 5, 7:05, 7:55, 9:45, 10:35, 12:15 a.m.; Sun 11:05 a.m., 1:05, 1:55, 4:15, 5, 7:05, 7:55, 9:45, 10:35. Pineapple Express Fri-Sat 1:35, 4:25, 7:15, 9:55, 12:30 a.m.; Sun 1:35, 4:25, 7:15, 9:55. Step Brothers Fri-Sat 11:50 a.m., 2:10, 4:30, 7:20, 9:50, 12:05 a.m.; Sun 11:50 a.m., 2:10, 4:30, 7:20, 9:50. Swing Vote Fri-Sun. Grauman’s Chinese, 6925 Hollywood Bl, (323) 464-8111. The X-Files: I Want to Believe Fri-Tue noon, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10. Los Feliz 3, 1822 N Vermont Av, (323) 664-2169. The Dark Knight 2:45, 5:45, 8:45.

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VERIZON WIRELESS COMMUNICATIONS STORES Store hours: Mon–Fri 9am–9pm; Sat 9am–8pm; Sun 10am–7pm. Hours at select stores and malls may vary. APPLE VALLEY Now open! 19179 Bear Valley Rd. Now Open! Apple Valley Commons (760) 247-7799 ARCADIA Santa Anita Mall Kiosk (626) 574-2040 BALDWIN HILLS Baldwin Hills Mall Kiosk (323) 291-6827

CHINO 3825 Grand Ave. (909) 591-9740

BALDWIN PARK 14540 Garvey Ave. (626) 472-6196 BURBANK Burbank Empire Center (818) 842-2722 CARSON 20820 Avalon Blvd. (310) 329-9325

CORONA 2540 Tuscany St. (951) 898-0980 390 McKinley St. (951) 549-6400

CERRITOS Now Open! 12603 Towne Ctr. Drive (562) 809-5650 Los Cerritos Center Kiosk (562) 860-7714

CITY OF COMMERCE 5438 E. Whittier Blvd. (323) 725-9750 CITY OF INDUSTRY 17515 Colima Rd. (626) 839-5155 COMPTON 237 E. Compton Blvd. (310) 603-0101

CULVER CITY 10814 Jefferson Blvd. (310) 838-1044 CYPRESS 6856 Katella Ave. (714) 899-4690 DOWNEY Stonewood Mall Kiosk (562) 904-9085 Downey Landing (562) 401-1045

FONTANA 16771 Valley Blvd. (909) 427-1800 Now Open! 16695 Sierra Lakes Pkwy. (909) 355-0725 GLENDALE 1327 Glendale Galleria (818) 553-0470 GLENDORA 1331 S. Lonehill (909) 592-5211 HAWTHORNE 5070 Rosecrans Ave. (310) 263-2949 HOLLYWOOD 1503 N. Vine St. (323) 465-0640 HUNTINGTON PARK 6400 Pacific Blvd. (323) 826-9880 INGLEWOOD 3419 W. Century Blvd. (310) 673-1443 LA HABRA 1401 W. Imperial Hwy. (562) 694-8630


LAKEWOOD Lakewood Mall Kiosk (562) 408-0861 4329 Candlewood St. (562) 633-5030

MOORPARK Now Open! 766 Los Angeles Ave. St. 6 (805) 530-0988

TORRANCE 24329 Crenshaw Blvd. (310) 891-6991 Now Open! 21841 Hawthorne Blvd.

LONG BEACH 2894 Bellflower Blvd. (562) 429-8223

NORCO 1180 Hamner Ave. (951) 372-0096 ONTARIO 961 Milliken Ave. (909) 481-7897 Ontario Mills Mall (909) 987-0313 PASADENA 368 S. Lake Ave. (626) 395-0956

VALENCIA Coming Soon! 24201 Valencia Blvd., Ste. 2018

LOS ANGELES 100 N. La Cienega Blvd. (310) 659-0775 3458 Wilshire Blvd. (213) 380-2299 LYNWOOD 3170 E. Imperial Hwy. (310) 603-0036 MARINA DEL REY 13455 Washington Blvd. (310) 821-7111 MIRA LOMA 12459 Limonite Ave. (951) 361-1850 MONTCLAIR 5094 Montclair Plaza Ln. (909) 398-1579 MONTEBELLO 2028 Montebello Town Center Dr. (323) 728-8708



PICO RIVERA 8724 Washington Blvd. (562) 942-8527 REDONDO BEACH South Bay Galleria Kiosk (310) 370-7131 SANTA MONICA 2530 Wilshire Blvd. (310) 828-1279 SHERMAN OAKS 14360 Ventura Blvd. (818) 907-1871


WALNUT PARK Coming Soon! 2106 E. Florence Ave. WEST COVINA West Covina Mall (626) 851-9992 West Covina Mall Kiosk (626) 939-0409 WESTWOOD Coming Soon! WHITTIER 12376 Washington Blvd. (562) 789-0911

Hablamos espaĂąol



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Hell Ride 2, 4:30, 7, 9:30. Pineapple Express Wed-Thur 2, 4:30, 7, 9:30. Step Brothers 2, 4:30, 7, 9:30. Mann Chinese 6, 6801 Hollywood Bl, (323) 461-3331. Hancock Fri-Tue 12:20, 2:50, 5:20, 7:50, 10:20. Hell Ride Fri-Tue 12:30, 3, 5:30, 8, 10:30. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri-Tue 1:10, 4:05, 7, 9:50. Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D Fri-Tue 11:50 a.m., 2:20, 4:50, 7:20, 9:40. Private Screening Sun only, 10 a.m., 4. Sex and the City Fri-Tue 6:30, 9:30. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 FriTue 10:45 a.m., 1:30, 4:15, 7:10, 10:10. Space Chimps Fri-Sat 11:30 a.m., 1:40, 3:50; Mon-Tue 11:30 a.m., 1:40, 3:50. Pacific’s El Capitan, 6838 Hollywood Bl, (323) 467-7674. WALL-E Fri-Mon 10 a.m., 1, 4, 7, 9:45; Tue 10 a.m., 1, 9:45; Wed-Thur 10 a.m., 1, 4, 7, 9:45. Pacific’s The Grove Stadium 14, 189 The Grove Dr, Third St & Fairfax Av, (323) 6920829. Brideshead Revisited Fri-Tue 10:10

a.m., 1:20, 4:25, 7:35, 10:50. The Dark Knight Fri-Tue 9:35 a.m., 11:55 a.m., 12:55, 3:25, 4:30, 7, 8, 10:30, 11:30. Mamma Mia! Fri-Tue 10:50 a.m., 1:50, 4:40, 7:45, 10:35. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor Fri-Tue 9:25 a.m., 10:20 a.m., 11:05 a.m., noon, 1:10, 2, 2:40, 4:10, 4:50, 5:25, 7:05, 7:40, 8:20, 10:05, 10:40, 11:10. Pineapple Express Fri-Sat 9:30 a.m., 10:40 a.m., 12:05, 1:30, 2:50, 4:20, 5:40, 7:10, 8:30, 10, 11:20, 12:35 a.m.; Sun-Tue 9:30 a.m., 10:40 a.m., 12:05, 1:30, 2:50, 4:20, 5:40, 7:10, 8:30, 10, 11:20. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 FriSun 10:15 a.m., 11:15 a.m., 1:15, 2:15, 4:15, 5:15, 7:15, 8:15, 10:20, 11:15; Mon 10:15 a.m., 11 a.m., 1:15, 2:15, 4:15, 5:15, 7:15, 8:15, 10:20, 11:15; Tue 10:15 a.m., 11:15 a.m., 1:15, 2:15, 4:15, 5:15, 7:15, 8:15, 10:20, 11:15. Step Brothers Fri-Tue 9:45 a.m., 11:25 a.m., 12:25, 2:05, 3:05, 4:45, 5:45, 7:25, 8:25, 10:10, 11:05. Swing Vote Fri-Tue 11:20 a.m., 2:10, 5:05,

7:55, 10:55. Regent Showcase, 614 N La Brea Av, (323) 934-2944. A Jihad for Love Fri 7:30; Sat-Sun 3:30, 7:30; Mon-Thur 7:30. No Regret 5:30. Vine, 6321 Hollywood Bl, (323) 463-6819. Vista, 4473 Sunset, (323) 660-6639. Pineapple Express Fri 4:15, 7, 9:40; Sat-Sun 1:40, 4:15, 7, 9:40; Mon-Tue 4:15, 7, 9:40.

SANTA MONICA AMC Santa Monica 7, 1310 Third Street Promenade, (310) 395-3030. Journey to the Center of the Earth Fri-Sun 11:40 a.m., 2:10, 4:35, 7:10, 9:45; Mon-Tue 12:20, 2:50, 5:20, 7:45, 10:10. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor FriSun 11:45 a.m., 1:30, 2:30, 4:15, 5:15, 7, 8, 10, 10:45; Mon-Tue noon, 1:15, 2:40, 4, 5:15, 6:45, 7:50, 9:30, 10:30. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 Fri-Sun 11 a.m., 1:45, 4:30, 7:20, 10:10; Mon-Tue 2, 4:45, 7:30, 10:15.

Li!le Girl Blue • The Man that Got Away Drinking Again • Without a Song Delovely • Do it Again Let’s Do It • I Happen to Like New York

Step Brothers Fri-Sun 11:50 a.m., 2:20, 5, 7:45, 10:20; Mon-Tue 12:30, 3, 5:30, 8, 10:20. Swing Vote Fri-Sun 11:10 a.m., 1:55, 4:40, 7:30, 10:30; Mon-Tue 1:30, 4:15, 7, 10. WALL-E Fri-Sun 11:30 a.m., 2, 4:20, 6:50, 9:30; Mon-Tue 12:10, 2:30, 5, 7:20, 9:45. Laemmle’s Monica 4-Plex, 1332 Second St, (310) 394-9741. Beauty in Trouble Sat-Sun 11 a.m.. Bottle Shock Fri 1:30, 4:10, 7, 9:55; Sat-Sun 11 a.m., 1:30, 4:10, 7, 9:55; Mon-Thur 1:30, 4:10, 7, 9:55. Brideshead Revisited 1, 4, 7, 10. Elegy 1:50, 4:30, 7:10, 9:50. The Grocer’s Son Sat-Sun 11 a.m. Live and Become Sat-Sun 11 a.m. Tell No One 1:20, 4:20, 7, 9:55. Loews Cineplex Broadway, 1441 Third Street Promenade, (310) 458-1506. Hancock FriSun 11 a.m., 1:15, 3:30, 5:45, 8:20, 10:45; Mon-Tue 1:15, 3:30, 5:45, 8:05, 10:20. Transsiberian Fri-Sun noon, 2:40, 5:20, 8,


We’re on Sunset, after sunset. ZING! (1999) Something’s Go!a Give • Goody Goody I Concentrate on You She’s Funny That Way Zing! Went the Strings of My Heart I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm The Coffee Song You’re Nobody ‘til Somebody Loves You This Can’t be Love • I’ll be Seeing You

Go Metro, after hours. Clubs. Dining. Shopping. Theatre. You’ll find it all on Sunset Boulevard, and Metro Local Line 2 gets you there. From Silverlake to Hollywood and the Sunset Strip, we connect you with LA’s hottest nightspots. Just buy your Day Pass and hop on board. We’ll take care of the driving so you can enjoy your evening.

The Bakery Session (1996) At Long Last Love • Too Darn Hot Lady is a Tramp You’d be so Nice to Come Home to I Love Paris • Our Love is Here to Stay Can’t We be Friends


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10:40; Mon-Tue noon, 2:30, 5, 7:40, 10:10. The Wackness Fri-Sun 11:45 a.m., 2:15, 4:50, 7:30, 10:05; Mon-Tue 12:30, 3, 5:30, 8, 10:30. The X-Files: I Want to Believe Fri-Sun 11:15 a.m., 1:50, 4:20, 7, 9:35; Mon-Tue 12:05, 2:40, 5:10, 7:35, 10. Mann Criterion, 1313 Third Street Promenade, (310) 395-1599. The Dark Knight Fri-Tue 11:30 a.m., 1:30, 3, 5, 6:30, 8:30, 10. Hell Ride Fri-Sat 12:20, 2:50, 5:20, 7:40, 10:20, 12:20 a.m.; Sun-Tue 12:20, 2:50, 5:20, 7:40, 10:20. Mamma Mia! Fri-Tue 11:10 a.m., 2, 4:30, 7:10, 10:10. Pineapple Express Fri-Sat 10:50 a.m., 11:50 a.m., 1:30, 2:30, 4:10, 5:10, 7, 7:50, 9:50, 10:30, 12:30 a.m.; Sun-Tue 10:50 a.m., 11:50 a.m., 1:30, 2:30, 4:10, 5:10, 7, 7:50, 9:50, 10:30.

SHERMAN OAKS, ENCINO ArcLight Sherman Oaks, 15301 Ventura Bl, Sherman Oaks, (818) 501-0753. Aliens Mon only, 7:30. American Teen Fri-Mon 11:50 a.m., 2:20, 4:55, 7:45, 10:10; Tue 11:50 a.m., 2:20, 4:55, 7:45. Bottle Shock Fri-Tue 11:40 a.m., 2:15, 4:50, 7:30, 10:55. Brideshead Revisited Fri-Tue 1:15, 4:15, 7:25, 10:25. The Dark Knight Fri-Tue noon, 1, 3:20, 4:20, 7, 7:50, 10:30, 11:10. Journey to the Center of the Earth Fri-Tue 11:25 a.m., 1:40, 4:10, 7:05, 9:40. Mamma Mia! Fri-Tue 11:45 a.m., 2:35, 5:15, 8:05, 10:50. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor Fri-Sun 11:10 a.m., 12:15, 1:50, 3, 4:40, 5:40, 7:20, 8:20, 9:50, 11; Mon 11:10 a.m., 12:15, 1:50, 3, 5:40, 8:20, 11; Tue 11:10 a.m., 12:15, 1:50, 3, 4:40, 5:40, 7:20, 8:20, 9:50, 11. Pineapple Express Fri-Tue 11 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 1:30, 2:30, 4:30, 5:30, 7:35, 8:30, 10:15, 11:30. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 Fri-Tue 11:05 a.m., 1:55, 4:45, 7:40, 10:40. Step Brothers Fri-Tue 12:05, 2:40, 5:05, 8, 10:35. Swing Vote Fri-Tue 11:20 a.m., 2:25, 5:10, 7:55, 10:45. Tropic Thunder Midnight Tue only,. WALL-E Fri-Tue 11:15 a.m., 2, 4:25, 7:10, 9:55. The X-Files: I Want to Believe Fri-Tue 11:35 a.m., 2:05, 4:35, 7:15, 10:05. Laemmle’s Town Center 5, 17200 Ventura Bl, Encino, (818) 981-9811. Frozen River 1:50, 4:20, 7:20, 9:50. Man on Wire 12:15, 2:35, 5, 7:40, 10:10. Sixty Six 12:30, 2:50, 5:10, 7:30, 10. Tell No One 1, 4, 7:10, 10. Transsiberian 1:20, 4:10, 7, 9:40. Mann Plant 16, 7876 Van Nuys Bl, Panorama City, (818) 779-0323. The Dark Knight Fri-Tue 11:30 a.m., 12:15, 1:30, 3, 3:45, 5, 6:30, 7:15, 8:30, 9:45, 10:30. Hancock Fri-Tue 2, 4:30, 7. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri-Tue 9:15. Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D Fri-Tue 11:50 a.m., 2:20, 4:50, 7:20, 9:50. Mamma Mia! Fri-Tue 11:20 a.m., 1:50, 4:20, 6:50, 9:20. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor Fri-Tue 11:10 a.m., 11:40 a.m., 1:10, 1:50, 2:20, 3:50, 4:30, 5, 6:30, 7:10, 7:40, 9:10, 9:50, 10:20. Pineapple Express Fri-Tue 11 a.m., 11:50 a.m., 1:40, 2:30, 4:20, 5:10, 7, 7:50, 9:40, 10:30. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 Fri-Tue 11 a.m., 1:45, 4:40, 7:30, 10:15. Space Chimps Fri-Tue noon, 2:10, 4:15, 6:40. Step Brothers Fri-Tue 11:30 a.m., 12:30, 3, 5:30, 8, 9:30, 10:25. Swing Vote Fri-Tue 1:20, 4:10, 7:10, 10. WALL-E Fri-Tue 11:15 a.m., 1:45, 4:15, 6:45. The X-Files: I Want to Believe Fri-Tue 8:50. Pacific’s Sherman Oaks 5, 14424 Millbank St, Sherman Oaks, (818) 501-5121. The Dark Knight Fri-Tue 12:45, 4:05, 7:30, 10:50. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri-Tue 1:15, 4:20, 7:15, 10:30. Mamma Mia! Fri-Tue 1, 4:15, 7:20, 10:25. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor Fri-Tue 1:10, 4:30, 7:40, 10:45. Step Brothers Fri-Tue 12:50, 3:15, 5:45, 8:10, 10:40.

WEST HOLLYWOOD, BEVERLY HILLS, CENTURY CITY AMC Century City 15, 10250 Santa Monica Bl, (310) 277-2011. American Teen Fri-Sat 9:50 a.m., 12:10, 2:45, 5:20, 8:05, 10:40; Sun 9:50 a.m., 12:05, 2:45, 5:20, 8:05, 10:40; Mon-Tue 11:15 a.m., 1:55, 4:25, 7:10, 9:35. The Dark Knight Fri-Sat 9:30 a.m., 11:40 a.m., 12:15, 1:05, 3:20, 4:45, 6:20, 7:05, 8:15, 10:35, 11:45, 12:15 a.m.; Sun 9:30 a.m., 11:40 a.m., 12:20, 1:05, 3:20, 4:45, 6:20, 7, 8:45, 10:35; MonTue 11:40 a.m., 12:25, 1:15, 3:20, 5:10, 6:20, 7:05, 8:45, 10:30. Hancock Fri-Sun 9:55 a.m., 3:50, 9:40; Mon-Tue 4, 9:40. Journey to the Center of the Earth Fri-Sat 9:35 a.m., 12:05, 2:35, 5:10, 7:50, 10:20; Sun 9:35 a.m., noon, 2:35, 5:15, 7:45, 10:25; Mon-Tue 12:05, 2:30, 5:05, 7:35, 10:10. Mamma Mia! Fri-Sat 11:10 a.m., 1:55, 4:45, 7:20, 10:10; Sun 11:10 a.m., 1:50, 4:40, 7:20, 10:15; Mon-Tue noon, 2:40, 5:25, 8, 10:45. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor Fri-Sat

9:45 a.m., 10:45 a.m., 12:45, 1:45, 4, 4:50, 7, 7:45, 10, 10:50, 12:50 a.m.; Sun 9:45 a.m., 10:45 a.m., 12:45, 1:45, 4, 4:50, 7:05, 7:50, 10, 10:45; Mon-Tue 10:45 a.m., 11:20 a.m., 1:20, 2:05, 4:10, 4:55, 7, 7:45, 9:50, 10:45. Pineapple Express Fri-Sat 10:30 a.m., 11:50 a.m., 1:20, 2:30, 4:20, 5:30, 7:30, 8:30, 10:30, 11:30, 12:55 a.m.; Sun 10:30 a.m., 11:15 a.m., 1:15, 2:10, 4:15, 5:05, 7:15, 8, 10:10, 10:55; Mon-Tue 10:40 a.m., 11:25 a.m., 1:30, 2:20, 4:30, 5:20, 7:30, 8:10, 10:15, 11. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 Fri-Sat 10:35 a.m., 1:40, 4:45, 7:55, 10:55; Sun 10:35 a.m., 1:40, 4:40, 7:55, 10:50; Mon 10:50 a.m., 1:50, 4:50, 7:55, 10:50; Tue 10:50 a.m., 1:50, 4:50, 7:55, 10:55. Step Brothers Fri-Sat 11:25 a.m., 2, 4:35, 7:15, 9:50; Sun 11:25 a.m., 2, 4:35, 7:10, 9:50; Mon-Tue 12:30, 3, 5:45, 8:15, 10:50. Transsiberian Fri-Sat 11:05 a.m., 1:55, 4:30, 7:10, 9:55; Sun 11:05 a.m., 1:55, 4:30, 7:20, 10:05; Mon-Tue 11:10 a.m., 2, 4:35, 7:15, 10. WALL-E Fri-Sat 9:35 a.m., 12:15, 2:40, 5:05, 7:40, 10:15; Sun 9:35 a.m., 12:15, 2:40, 5:10, 7:40, 10:20; Mon-Tue 11:30 a.m., 2:10, 4:50, 7:25, 10:05. The X-Files: I Want to Believe Fri-Sat 9:35 a.m., 12:10, 2:50, 5:35, 8:15, 11; Sun 12:10, 2:50, 5:35, 8:10, 10:50; Mon-Tue 12:05, 2:35, 5:15, 7:50, 10:25. Laemmle’s Music Hall 3, 9036 Wilshire Bl, (310) 274-6869. Dayereh-e zangi Fri 5, 7:30, 10; Sat-Sun noon, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10; Mon-Thur 5, 7:30, 10. The Grocer’s Son Fri 8:20; Sat-Sun noon, 2:25, 8:20; Mon-Thur 8:20. Live and Become 5. Retrieval Fri 5:10, 7:40, 10; Sat-Sun 12:10, 2:40, 5:10, 7:40, 10; Mon-Thur 5:10, 7:40, 10. Laemmle’s Sunset 5 Theatre, 8000 Sunset Bl, (323) 848-3500. Frozen River 1:30, 4:30, 7:30, 10. The Neighbor 1:45, 4:15, 7:15, 9:45. Tell No One 1, 4, 7, 9:55. Transsiberian 1:15, 4:15, 7:10, 9:55. The Wackness Fri 1:50, 4:40, 7:40, 10; Sat-Sun 7:40, 10; Mon-Thur 1:50, 4:40, 7:40, 10. Beverly Center 13 Cinemas, 8522 Beverly Blvd., Suite 835, (310) 652-7760. The Fall Mon-Tue 12:40, 5:30, 10:10. Get Smart Fri-Tue 12:20, 2:30, 5, 7:20, 9:40. Hancock Fri-Tue 1, 3:10, 5:20, 7:20, 9:30. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Mon-Tue noon, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 9:50. Iron Man Fri-Tue 12:20, 2:40, 5:10, 7:40, 10:10. Journey to the Center of the Earth Fri-Tue 12:10, 2:20, 4:50, 7, 9:20. Kit Kittredge: An American Girl Fri-Tue 12:50, 3, 5:10, 7:10, 9:20. Kung Fu Panda Mon-Tue 12:50, 2:40, 4:50, 6:50, 9. Sex and the City Fri-Tue noon, 1:10, 3:10, 4:10, 6, 7, 9, 10. Space Chimps Fri-Tue 1, 3:20, 5:20, 7:10, 8:50. Wanted Fri-Tue 12:10, 2:20, 4:40, 7:30, 10. The X-Files: I Want to Believe Fri-Tue 12:40, 2:50, 5:30, 7:40, 9:50. You Don’t Mess With the Zohan Mon-Tue 3, 7:50.

WESTWOOD, WEST L.A. AMC Avco Center, 10840 Wilshire Bl, (310) 4750711. Mamma Mia! Fri 1:45, 4:20, 7, 9:30; SatSun 11:15 a.m., 1:45, 4:20, 7, 9:30; Mon-Thur 1:45, 4:20, 7, 9:30. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor Fri 1:35, 4:25, 7:10, 9:45; Sat-Sun 11 a.m., 1:35, 4:25, 7:10, 9:45; Mon-Thur 1:35, 4:25, 7:10, 9:45. Pineapple Express Fri 1:25, 4:10, 7:05, 9:40; SatSun 10:50 a.m., 1:25, 4:10, 7:05, 9:40; MonThur 1:25, 4:10, 7:05, 9:40. Step Brothers Fri 12:05, 2:25, 4:45, 7:15, 9:35; Sat-Sun 11:50 a.m., 2:15, 4:40, 7:15, 9:35; MonThur 12:05, 2:25, 4:45, 7:15, 9:35. Laemmle’s Royal Theatre, 11523 Santa Monica Bl, (310) 477-5581. Sixty Six 12:30, 2:50, 5:10, 7:30, 10. Landmark’s Nuart Theater, 11272 Santa Monica Bl, (310) 281-8223. Hedwig and the Angry Inch Fri only, midnight. The Order of Myths Fri-Sun noon, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10; Mon-Thur 5, 7:30, 10. The Rocky Horror Picture Show Sat only, midnight. Landmark’s Regent, 1045 Broxton Av, (310) 2818223. Swing Vote 1:45, 4:30, 7:15, 10. The Landmark West Los Angeles, 10850 W Pico Bl, (310) 281-8223. Bottle Shock 11:30 a.m., 2:15, 5, 7:45, 10:25. Brideshead Revisited Fri-Sun noon, 1, 3, 4:05, 6, 7:10, 9, 10:15; Mon noon, 1, 3, 4:05, 7:10, 10:15; Tue-Thur noon, 1, 3, 4:05, 6, 7:10, 9, 10:15. The Dark Knight 11 a.m., 12:40, 2:15, 4, 5:30, 7:15, 8:45, 10:30. Frozen River 12:30, 2:50, 5:15, 7:35, 9:50. Mamma Mia! Fri-Mon 11:10 a.m., noon, 1:45, 2:45, 4:30, 5:25, 7:15, 8, 9:50, 10:35; Tue 11:10 a.m., noon, 1:45, 2:45, 4:30, 7:15, 9:50, 10:35; Wed-Thur 11:10 a.m., noon, 1:45, 2:45, 4:30, 5:25, 7:15, 8, 9:50, 10:35. Man on Wire 12:15, 2:40, 5:05, 7:30, 9:55. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 11:10 a.m., 1:55, 4:40, 7:30, 10:10. Swing Vote 11 a.m., 1:50, 4:45, 7:40, 10:25. Tell No One 11:05 a.m., 1:50, 4:40, 7:35, 10:30. Majestic Crest Theater, 1262 Westwood Bl, (310) 474-7866. Kit Kittredge: An American Girl 1, 3, 5. Mongol 7:15, 9:45. Mann Bruin, 948 Broxton Av, (310) 208-8998. Pri-

vate Screening Mon only, 7:30. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 Fri-Sun 10:30 a.m., 1:15, 4:15, 7:15, 10:15; Tue 1:15, 4:15, 7:15, 10:15. Mann Festival 1, 10887 Lindbrook Av, (310) 2084575. The Dark Knight Fri-Sun 1:30, 4:45, 8:30; Mon 12:30, 3:45, 7:30, 10:45; Tue 1:30, 4:45, 8:30. Mann Village, 961 Broxton Av, (310) 208-5576. The Dark Knight Fri-Sun 12:30, 3:45, 7:30, 10:45; Tue 12:30, 3:45, 7:30, 10:45. Private Screening Mon only, 7:30.

WOODLAND HILLS, WEST HILLS, TARZANA AMC Promenade 16, 21801 Oxnard St, Woodland Hills, (818) 883-2262. The Dark Knight Fri 9:45 a.m., 12:10, 1:05, 3:30, 4:10, 7, 7:40, 10:25, 11:15; Sat 9:45 a.m., noon, 1:05, 3:30, 4:10, 7, 7:40, 10:25, 11:15; Sun 9:45 a.m., noon, 1:05, 3:30, 4:10, 7, 7:40, 10:25; Mon-Tue noon, 1:05, 3:30, 4:10, 7, 7:40, 10:25. Hancock Fri-Tue 12:15, 2:45, 5:10, 7:35, 9:55. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri-Sun 11 a.m., 1:50, 4:35, 7:10, 9:45; Mon-Tue 1:50, 4:35, 7:10, 9:45. Journey to the Center of the Earth Fri-Sat 9:55 a.m., 12:20, 3:05, 5:30, 8, 10:35; Sun 9:55 a.m., 12:20, 3:05, 5:30, 8, 10:30; Mon-Tue 12:20, 3:05, 5:30, 8, 10:30. Mamma Mia! Fri-Sun 10:55 a.m., 1:40, 4:30, 7:15, 10; Mon-Tue 1:40, 4:30, 7:15, 10. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor Fri-Sat 10:05 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 12:55, 2:20, 3:50, 5:05, 6:50, 8, 9:50, 11; Sun 10:05 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 12:55, 2:20, 3:50, 5:05, 6:50, 8, 9:50; Mon-Tue 11:30 a.m., 12:55, 2:20, 3:50, 5:05, 6:50, 8, 9:50. Pineapple Express Fri-Sat 9:50 a.m., 11:20 a.m., 12:35, 2, 3:25, 4:45, 6:15, 7:30, 9:05, 10:20, 11:50; Sun 9:50 a.m., 11:20 a.m., 12:35, 2, 3:25, 4:45, 6:15, 7:30, 9:05, 10:20; Mon-Tue 11:20 a.m., 12:35, 2, 3:25, 4:45, 6:15, 7:30, 9:05, 10:20. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 Fri-Sat 11:05 a.m., 12:50, 2:05, 3:45, 5, 6:40, 7:55, 9:35, 10:40; Sun 11:05 a.m., 12:50, 2:05, 3:45, 5, 6:40, 7:55, 9:35; Mon-Tue 11:15 a.m., 12:50, 2:05, 3:45, 5, 6:40, 7:55, 9:35. Space Chimps Fri-Sun 9:45 a.m., 12:10, 2:30, 4:50, 7:05; Mon-Tue 12:10, 2:30, 4:50, 7:05. Step Brothers Fri-Sat 10:05 a.m., 12:30, 3, 5:25, 8:05, 10:30; Sun 10:05 a.m., 12:30, 3, 5:25, 8:05, 10:25; Mon-Tue 12:30, 3, 5:25, 8:05, 10:25. Swing Vote Fri-Sat 1:55, 4:55, 7:50, 10:45; SunTue 1:55, 4:55, 7:50, 10:30. Tropic Thunder Tue only, 12:01 a.m.. WALL-E Fri 12:25, 2:50, 5:20, 7:45, 10:15; Sat-Sun 10 a.m., 12:25, 2:50, 5:20, 7:45, 10:15; Mon-Tue 12:25, 2:50, 5:20, 7:45, 10:15. Laemmle’s Fallbrook 7 Cinemas, Fallbrook Mall, 6731 Fallbrook Av, West Hills, (818) 340-8710. Brideshead Revisited Fri-Sat 12:10, 1:30, 3:20, 4:40, 7, 8, 10:10; Sun-Thur 12:10, 1:30, 3:20, 4:40, 7, 8. The Dark Knight Fri 1, 4:30, 8; Sat-Sun noon, 3:30, 7, 10:20; Mon-Thur 1, 4:30, 8. Mamma Mia! Fri-Sun 1:30, 4:30, 7:30, 10:10; Mon-Thur noon, 2:30, 5:30, 8:30. Swing Vote Fri-Sun 12:50, 4, 7, 9:50; Mon-Thur 1:50, 5, 8. Tell No One Fri-Sun 12:40, 3:40, 7:10, 10:10; MonThur 1:40, 4:40, 8:10.

SPECIAL SCREENINGS THURSDAY, AUGUST 7 American Cinematheque at the Aero Theatre, Santa Monica, (323) 466-3456. Aerotheatre.com. Wayne Wang In-Person Tribute – Princess of Nebraska, 7:30; followed by Chinese Box. Discussion between films with director Wayne Wang. American Cinematheque at the Egyptian Theatre, Hollywood, (323) 466-3456. Egyptiantheatre.com. Fourth Annual HollyShorts Film Festival – Opening Night Program, 7:30, including Red Princess Blues Animated: The Book of Violence, Hole in the Paper Sky, Nosebleed, The Outlaw Emmett Deemus, Verboten, X. Followed by a reception and discussion with filmmakers. CineFamily at the Silent Movie Theatre, Hollywood, (323) 655-2520. Silentmovietheatre.com. Don’t Knock The Rock ’08 – You Weren’t There: A History of Chicago Punk 1977-84, 8; followed by DFW Punk. New Beverly Cinema, L.A., (323) 938-4038. Newbevcinema.com. Chaos (David DeFalco, 2005), 7:30; Murder-Set-Pieces, 9:30. UCLA Film & Television Archive at the James Bridges Theatre, 1409 Melnitz Hall, UCLA Campus, Westwood, (310) 206-8013. Hammer.ucla.edu. Preservationist’s Choice: Selected Hits from the Archive’s Festival of Preservation –The Sid Saga: Sid Laverents’ Centennial Birthday Party, 7:30; preceded by Multiple Sidosis.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 8 American Cinematheque at the Aero Theatre Ernest Borgnine In Person – Marty, 7:30; followed by The Catered Affair; preceded by introduction by actor Ernest Borgnine. American Cinematheque at the Egyptian Theatre The 8th Annual Festival of Sci Fi, Fantasy, & Horror – The Pirates of Blood River, 7:30; followed by The Devil-Ship Pirates. CineFamily at the Silent Movie Theatre The Fe-

male Gaze – Wanda, 7:30. Summer “Camp” – Sylvia, 10. Hammer Museum, UCLA Film & Television Archive at the Billy Wilder Theatre, 10899 Wilshire Bl, L.A. Info: (310) 206-3456 or Hammer.ucla.edu. Sex and the Single Girl: The Escapades of Busby Berkeley – The Gang’s All Here, 7:30; followed by Million Dollar Mermaid. L.A. County Museum of Art, Leo S. Bing Theatre, 5905 Wilshire Bl, L.A., (323) 857-6010. Lacma.org. Richard Quine at Columbia – Pushover, 7:30; Drive A Crooked Road, 9:10. New Beverly Cinema Marty, 7:30; The Apartment, 9:20. Reservoir Dogs, 11:59.

Archive at the Billy Wilder Theatre The Next Wave: British Films of the 1970s and ‘80s – The Bill Douglas Trilogy, 7, including My Childhood, My Ain Folk, and My Way Home. New Beverly Cinema Goldfinger, 6:30;Thunderball, 8:40.

MONDAY, AUGUST 11 New Beverly Cinema Goldfinger, 7:30; Thunderball, 9:40.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 12 American Cinematheque at the Egyptian Theatre Memorial Tribute to Peter Ivers – Eraserhead, 7:30. Followed by discussion with author Josh Frank. CineFamily at the Silent Movie Theatre Jem Cohen Films – Chain, 8; preceded by shorts Little Flags, Blessed Are The Dreams Of Men, Lucky 3. Hammer Museum, UCLA Film & Television Archive at the Billy Wilder Theatre Sex and the Single Girl: The Escapades of Busby Berkeley – 42nd Street, 7:30; followed by Ziegfeld Girl. L.A. County Museum of Art, Leo S. Bing Theatre Tuesday Matinee – Presenting Lily Mars, 1. New Beverly Cinema Stanley, 7:30; Impulse (1974), 10.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 9 American Cinematheque at the Aero Theatre Ernest Borgnine In Person – The Dirty Dozen, 7:30; followed by Emperor of the North Pole. American Cinematheque at the Egyptian Theatre The 8th Annual Festival of Sci Fi, Fantasy, & Horror – It Came From Beneath The Sea, 7:30; followed by Kronos and Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers. CineFamily at the Silent Movie Theatre Nakadai/Samurai – Samurai Rebellion, 7. When Animals Attack – The Food of the Gods, 10. Hammer Museum, UCLA Film & Television Archive at the Billy Wilder Theatre . Preservationist’s Choice: Selected Hits from the Archive’s Festival of Preservation – Charles Laughton Directs The Night of the Hunter: A Presentation of Outtakes from the Film, 7:30, presented by UCLA Preservation Officer Robert Gitt; plus book signing with Preston Neal Jones, author of the definitive Heaven and Hell to Play With: The Filming of THE NIGHT OF THE HUNTER. L.A. County Museum of Art, Leo S. Bing Theatre Richard Quine at Columbia – Strangers When We Meet, 7:30; The Solid Gold Cadillac, 9:40. New Beverly Cinema Marty, 3:15, 7:30; The Apartment, 5:05, 9:20. Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer, 11:59.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 13 American Cinematheque at the Aero Theatre Sneak Preview – Vicky Cristina Barcelona, 7:30. Free admission. American Cinematheque at the Egyptian Theatre The 8th Annual Festival of Sci Fi, Fantasy, & Horror – Shorts Program, 7:30, including Psycho Hillbilly Cabin Massacre, In the Wall, Hollow, Metalosis Maligna, Lucifer, H.R. Giger’s Sanctuary, The Gloaming, The Formorian. CineFamily at the Silent Movie Theatre Silent Satyrs – La Boheme, 8. Hammer Museum, UCLA Film & Television Archive at the Billy Wilder Theatre Preservationist’s Choice: Selected Hits from the Archive’s Festival of Preservation – Welcome Danger (X 2), 7:30, including both the sound and silent versions of the 1929 Harold Lloyd feature, presented by UCLA Preservationist Jere Guldin; with live musical accompaniment by Michael Mortilla for the silent version. New Beverly Cinema Angel Heart, 7:30; Birdy, 9:45.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 10 American Cinematheque at the Aero Theatre Ernest Borgnine In Person – The Vikings, 7:30; followed by The Badlanders. American Cinematheque at the Egyptian Theatre The 8th Annual Festival of Sci Fi, Fantasy, & Horror – Terror of the Tongs, 7:30; followed by The Camp On Blood Island. Hammer Museum, UCLA Film & Television











WWW.SONYCLASSICS.COM # WEST HOLLYWOOD Laemmle’s Sunset 5 (323) 848-3500 Tickets available @ laemmle.com Daily: 1:30 • 4:30 7:30 • 10:00

# WEST LOS ANGELES The LANDMARK at W. Pico & Westwood (310) 281-8233 Free Parking. www.landmarktheatres.com Daily: 12:30 • 2:50 • 5:15 • 7:35 • 9:50

! ENCINO Laemmle’s Town Center 5 (818) 981-9811 " IRVINE Edwards Westpark 8 (800) FANDANGO #144

# PASADENA Laemmle’s Playhouse 7 (626) 844-6500 Tickets available @ laemmle.com "Presented in

!Presented in #Presented in








For a chance to win a pass for two for an advance screening, send an e-mail with your name, phone number and date of birth to contests@lacitybeat.com

BE A VIP AT THE SCREENING! The first 25 people wearing their favorite camouflage gear will get VIP seating and special prizes!

One Grand Prize Winner will receive a full six-week session for EXTREME BOOT CAMP!

An intense six-week outdoor military-style fitness program designed to get you in the best shape of your life.


THIS FILM IS RATED R. RESTRICTED. Under 17 Requires Accompanying Parent Or Adult Guardian. Please note: Passes received through this promotion do not guarantee you a seat at the theatre. Seating is on a first-come, first-served basis, except for members of the reviewing press. Theatre is overbooked to ensure a full house. No admittance once screening has begun. All federal, state and local regulations apply. A recipient of tickets assumes any and all risks related to use of ticket, and accepts any restrictions required by ticket provider. Paramount Pictures, Extreme Boot Camp and their affiliates accept no responsibility or liability in connection with any loss or accident incurred in connection with use of a prize. Tickets cannot be exchanged, transferred or redeemed for cash, in whole or in part. We are not responsible if, for any reason, recipient is unable to use his/her ticket in whole or in part. All federal and local taxes are the responsibility of the winner. Void where prohibited by law. No purchase necessary. Participating sponsors, their employees and family members and their agencies are not eligible. NO PHONE CALLS!





UPCOMING IN-STORES at AMOEBA! All shows are FREE and ALL AGES! For full calendar of events visit: AMOEBA.COM

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Dr. Dog plays a special acoustic set at Amoeba to celebrate their new CD, Fate — out now on Park the Van Records. Free 7� vinyl with purchase of the CD (day of in-store only - while they last). “Strict modernists may chafe at the band’s unapologetically backward-glancing aesthetic, but the rest should happily succumb to the shaggy charm of Fate’s easy-like-Sunday-morning ramblings.� — Filter Playing live at the El Rey on August 8th.



hat with the kids diggin’ the soul sounds of yore these days – cf. Amy Winehouse, James Hunter, Sharon Jones, Eli “Paperboy� Reed, etc. – some of the forefathers are showing up in the racks again with new grooves of varying degrees of distinction. Not a bad thing on the face of it, but are the goods being delivered? I was anticipating Eddie Floyd’s Eddie Loves You So, on the recently reactivated Stax imprint. After all, Mr. “Knock on Wood� was one of the Memphis label’s most reliable, and criminally underrated, hitmakers in the ’70s, and he could wreck a house – check his epic “Raise a Hand� on last year’s Stax/Volt Revue Live in Norway DVD. Unfortunately, Eddie appears to have lost a step or two over the years. The producers had the right idea: match the singer up with a classic repertoire, from hits by his old Detroit vocal group the Falcons to latter-day Stax material. But 73-year-old Floyd can’t quite hit it – his intonation is wobbly, and he seriously lacks power in the upper register. You listen to his remake of “You’re So Fine� and wince. My advice: Look to the original shit. Two of the original ofay soul boys, the (Young) Rascals’s vocalistkeyboardist Felix Cavaliere and Booker T. & the MGs guitarist Steve Cropper, have also reappeared on Stax with Nudge It Up a Notch. I’m happy to report that Cavaliere, who’s been pretty invisible for the last couple of decades, hasn’t dropped anything – he’s still the clear-voiced force who put across “Good Lovin’� and a batch of other white-soul hits in the late ’60s. Unfortunately, he is saddled with a dreadful clutch of bogus R&B readymades to sing on Nudge. Oh, and he raps, too. Not. A. Good. Idea. For his part, Cropper sounds uncomfortably like Mark Knopfler on much of the album, which is padded with four inconsequential instrumentals. I’d say “nice try,� but it doesn’t sound like anyone tried very hard. Solomon Burke has never really been away, and the big-voiced ’60s

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This LA quartet delivers heavy, melodic rock — tipping their collective hat to Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd, Queen and The Beatles. Their new CD Cheat the Gallows comes out August 12th on Custard Records and they’re celebrating with a live set at Amoeba!

Carolina Liar The Shys / Nico Stai July 28 at the Troubadour

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eremy with the Jewfro tackled our hearts, especially every time the six-feet of white person ’fro licked his lips at us and tore open his shirt to expose his machine gun chest tattoo. Who would not wad up their panties and throw them at this guy? Sadly, Jeremy was not on stage. Jeremy was just a sideshow attraction who happened to be there. The main attraction was Carolina Liar, a band that, as their PR person told us 396 times, has its song “I’m Not Over� in rotation on both KROQ and Indie 103.1 and has many fans to its claim. When we closed our eyes, Carolina Liar reminded us a bit of the Kooks – whom we like! – but when our eyes opened we were smashed back to a reality that included a kooky, Stephen Baldwin-looking guy whose hair defied gravity with a comb-over and spiky blond madness. He was even more distracting than Jeremy, but in a way less awesome way. He actually looked too pretty and polished in a room full of people who looked straight outta an ensemble cast from the WB. We are not fans. It kills us to say this, especially because our beloved Jeremy seemed to <heart> them, but we were kinda glad when it was over; it was hard to concentrate on their pop-rock, Hills-friendly sing-alongs, even with lead singer Chad Wolf frantically clapping his hands over his head, endlessly trying to rile the crowd into a rowdy clapalooza. Carolina Liar plays derivative, schlocky pop music that in no way should have headlined after killer sets by much better

opening bands. After a couple hours of tight, testosterone rock from the Shys and Nico Stai, we had big hopes. Those hopes were dashed. So here, instead of dwelling on the letdown, let’s say nice things about the other guys. As for the Shys, a lot has changed since last time we saw the San Clemente five-piece. With the band’s new CD, You’ll Never Understand This Band the Way I Do, keys player Alex Kweskin is sharing front of the stage duties with childhood buddy and lead singer Kyle Krone, with a fuller sound paired with gritty guitars and singalong choruses like on the band’s single “She’s Already Gone,â€? which recall the band’s “Call in the Calvaryâ€? days of yore. Another highlight is a down-tempo, gospel choir finish of a song, “Savior.â€? Their youthful days of revisionist rock are growing into a band that is instead schooled in rock enough to find its own sound. Opening the night, or as we like to refer to it, Pre-Jeremy, Nico Stai kicked off with his Replacements-like jangly guitars and Springsteen-steady heartbreakers spoken from Steven Tyler jawbones, tales from a guy who’s seen his share of gutters and guttural heartbreak. With just a striped polo shirt, jeans and a guitar, he had more rock star in his little pinky than all the heavy KROQ rotation in the room, all while singing about 16-year-old girls and the sky falling on its knees and a dead pony running in his dream. Meanwhile, we’re left dreaming of Big Jeremy’s love gun.âœś


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Join us for a special guest DJ set in our Friday weekly DJ series, Resonance! The new album from Flying Lotus, Los Angeles, is out now on Warp Records.“. . . second full album by Steven Ellison — Alice Coltrane’s great-nephew, Cartoon Network scorer, and the man behind the Flying Lotus moniker . . . Los Angeles is one of the slipperiest albums of the year and one of the most engrossing.� — The Stranger

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On her Big Boi-produced debut album, Monae blends R&B, funk, hip hop, and rock into a sound all her own. “Metropolis: The Chase� is out August 12th on Bad Boy Entertainment. Playing August 17th at the Roxy and August 18th at The Viper Room.

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soul man has flourished in the years since he won a Grammy for the 2002 Joe Henry-produced album Don’t Give Up on Me. It’s been a case of diminishing returns for King Solomon ever since, though. His Nashville, in 2006, was a lukewarm stab at country, and the current Like a Fire (Shout! Factory) hangs in lightweight country-soul turf. The material, by the likes of Keb’Mo’, Jesse Harris, and Eric Clapton, is largely piffle, and Burke sounds uninterested in singing it. The only time he rises to the occasion is on “A Minute to Pray and a Second to Rest,” a gospel-based number that obviously rang a bell with Burke, who runs his own ministry. Like a Fire ain’t much, but it shouldn’t keep you from seeing the King open for Etta James at the Hollywood Bowl on Aug. 13. Speaking of ministers, the Right Reverend Al Green has been back on the secular road the last few years. After a couple new albums with his original producer Willie Mitchell, Green has signed on with a fresh production

team, including the Roots’s ?uestlove, for Lay It Down (Blue Note). Can Al Green do any wrong? No, friends, he cannot. The new collection finds him cooing, crying, and squealing through a comfy group of neo-Hi compositions. The guest collaborations are low-key: Anthony Hamilton duets just fine on two tracks, John Legend proves he knows the moves, and I almost began to dig limp-dishrag Brit singer Corinne Bailey Rae here. The band, which includes the currently ubiquitous Dap-Kings horn section, latches right into the pocket, and ?uestlove has figured out how to tune his drum kit exactly like Al Jackson Jr. did. Sweet. Backstage at a gig a couple years ago, I asked Al why he wore a cross and a Star of David. Chuckling that chuckle, he replied, “Gotta cover all the bases.” Guess it’s working.✶

Dead Boys

We Have Come For Your Children (Noble Rot) The brief and chaotic legend of the Dead Boys begins and ends with their signature song “Sonic Reducer” and their gritty 1977 debut album, Young Loud and Snotty, a sludgy and buzzing document of their origins, the Rust Belt wasteland of Cleveland. And so it went that a major label yet again destroyed what was such a promising band by trying to clean up their sound with their sophomore (and final) album, reissued and made domestically once again by Noble Rot Records. 1978’s We Have Come for Your Children was a glossy and streamlined letdown compared to Snotty’s promise. While it certainly delivers the goods as far as chainsaw riffs and Stiv Bators’s snarl go, it lacks the sincere grittiness the Dead Boys were so good at. Certainly an interesting and oft-unheard document of this timeless band, but it leaves you wondering what would’ve happened to them without the meddling hands of Sire Records. –Carman Tse

Chris Morris hosts Watusi Rodeo on Indie 103.1 every Sunday at 9 a.m.


Silver Jews

Lookout Mountain, Lookout Sea (Drag City) Outta Hoboken, NJ, the “Joos” are one of the original indie-rock bands, but still cool enough to deserve a lion’s share of credit and a gnat’s portion of scorn. David Berman is as cornpone witty as ever, Joycerhyming “jokes” with “malapropes” and cutting up countrified-as-Cletus in his oldtimey manner. His crackerbarrel-philosophical side is much in evidence as well, coming across here like a hipster Tom T. Hall – a handsome achievement for a newly sober artist the Village Voice calls a “slacker.” Remember, kids, disengagement from nonsense is no vice and commitment to rubbish no virtue. –Ron Garmon

88 BoaDrum will make the hipsters cry BY CARMAN TSE


f numerology means anything to you, then the convergence of tar pits, hipsters, 88 drummers, and a Japanese experimental music band on 8/8/08 at 8:08 p.m. for an 88-minute performance is certainly going to make you bonkers. After the success of last year’s 77 BoaDrum, the eclectic frontman of Osaka’s Boredoms, Yamantaka Eye, is to unveil a new composition this year at the event 88 BoaDrum, happening in both Brooklyn and Los Angeles at the La Brea Tar Pits. With 77 drummers required to perform last year’s production, one could only imagine the logistical hassle of recruiting 88 drummers for two locations on opposite sides of the country. “It’s mainly friends of friends, which makes it much more reliable,” says artistic director Hisham Bharoocha. Bharoocha, an alumnus of the Rhode Island School of Design and a former member of noise-rock band Lightning Bolt, is currently the single mind behind musical project Soft Circle. An organizer and drum leader of 77 BoaDrum, he worked closely once again with Boredoms to get the ball rolling for 88 BoaDrum, partially inspired by the surprising turnout from last year, and the ever-prolific and creative mind of Eye. While 77 BoaDrum was inspired by the mythical presence of the number seven in Japanese tradition (Seven Lucky Gods, the Tanabata star festival held every July 7), the concept of infinity is the focus for the dual performances of 88 BoaDrum. “The number eight is an infinity symbol and the two performances will connect conceptually, with the arrangement of the performers in L.A. being a clockwise spiral and in New York a counterclockwise spiral. When you put the two spirals together it forms an infinity symbol,” explains Bharoocha. The full list of the 176 drummers is as close as the underground music world gets to a cavalcade of stars, with neo-tribal group Gang Gang Dance acting as ensemble leaders in Brooklyn and Boredoms themselves leading the way at the Tar Pits. Making their appearances in Los Angeles are Joe Plummer of Modest Mouse, Michael Tapper of We Are Scientists, Katelyn Hall of Mika Miko, Kevin Haskins of Bauhaus, and Bharoocha himself. Alongside Gang Gang Dance in New York are Jaleel Bunton of TV on the Radio, and Panda Bear and Geologist of Animal Collective. Tickets for the event were free and were made available at LACMA and Amoeba Music, so turnout is expected to be huge. At 77 BoaDrum, a line six people wide stretched for 12 blocks along the Brooklyn waterfront, leaving only the lucky few at the front of the line to watch from behind the chain-link fence. Bharoocha expects 88 BoaDrum to be nothing short of spectacular. “I’ve had every person involved tell me it was the single best musical moment of their lives. How often do underground musicians get to perform in front of that many people? Some people even cried,” Bharoocha says.✶

Greg Camp

Defektor (Bar/None-Sea Volt) An early convert to Smash Mouth back in the mistshrouded day, I was pleased to see this debut from their guitarist and principal songwriter come whizzing over the transom. How the Mouth ever got branded a “novelty act” by the rock-critocracy is likely to seem mysterious until you’ve got up close and personal with any considerable fragment of said critocracy. Then you realize they regard any whiff of originality as novel, if not as inherently startling as “They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!” Such 10-thumbed misuse of poetical precision instruments aside, the idea instant-replay dada like “Walkin’ on the Sun” and “Then the Morning Comes” represent some kind of sideline to what rock’s always been is a trick of a cultural memory that doesn’t extend back much further than Kurt Cobain’s last dry-cleaning bill. Camp was taken off the band’s MySpace page last month and he may well be out of the band, but this album ought to ease him into a long solo career. Here’s the good old Smash Mouth hooky crank-itmang presented with 1960s variety-show brio and two punky fingers upraised, waving like banners. Recommended. –Ron Garmon

Jason Eldredge and Jeremy Wineberg

Accidental Rhythm (DJ Records) The sampler produced by KCRW DJ Jason Eldredge is filled with delightful dance-floor beats, up-beat grooves and one pretty annoying French hip-hop song. Now I know what you’re thinking – a sampler review?! Of all the CDs in the pile this was by far the best, and therefore absolutely worth both my and your whiles. It’s the little sampler that could. Featuring upand-coming innovative artists, both local and from all around the world, like the Love Grenades, 80Kidz, the Twelves, and Hey Willpower, the disc gives a good idea of how pervasive the habit of ironically reviving the aesthetic of past decades really is. None of the tracks are sampled, but lots of the songs sound like songs you’ve heard before by the Cure, U2, and Daft Punk. Since I’ve heard it, I absolutely cannot stop singing the fourth track Grovesnor’s Drive Your Car, which makes me feel cooler than Pat Benatar. –Gabrielle Paluch




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Paralyzed (Tee Pee Records) J Mascis has always had a career of being in-between things. His now-legendary and now-reunited trio Dinosaur Jr. bridged the gap between his stoner hippie persona and his hardcore punk roots, and combined his Neil Young drawl with a barrage of guitar feedback and distortion that would inspire the likes of My Bloody Valentine. With a little help from his friends in the band Witch, Mascis (on drums!) seemingly takes this noise to a further extreme with a foray into metal. Unfortunately, the group’s second album Paralyzed is too timid to take the full plunge. Fans of Dino Jr. will be left confounded by this record while fans of metal will find themselves searching their iPod for something heavier, dronier, or faster. What should add up to be a logical bridge between indie rock and metal comes up short, and the results are less than spectacular. –Carman Tse



POST-QUAKE STRESS SYNDROME EDITION BY RON GARMON iRon: Much of the citywide weird behavior of the last week can be chalked up to the July 29 earthquake. Unlike housecats, Angelenos freak out after tremblors, and the 5.4 epicentered near Diamond Bar sent a wave of Delayed Jitter Syndrome (DJS) that was still jangling nerves over the weekend, judging from the greater-than-usual volume of accidents, police & fire department activity, and public freakouts almost everywhere. I rock so hard by habit I didn’t even feel the fucker, so this wisdom comes at the expense of a rattled and off-kilter city. Last week, I also became a late convert to iPod, with its life-enhancing power to synch yawl’s pavement escapades to “Jumpin’ Jack Flashâ€? and “7 Screaming Diz-Bustersâ€? doing much for critical distance. Spring-Heeled Jack: I cut myself off at the bar years ago and so while away a lot of time between the office and Clubland sunk in cheerful darkness at one of L.A.’s many fine repertory cinemas. Old movies are my one vice unrelated to sex, drugs & rock ’n’ roll and even an ancient potboiler like the 1960 version of Jack the Ripper screening at The Egyptian last Friday night has the occasional bonus, like this line from a police inspector: “Before this Ripper business started, you could hardly move along here. Stalls, barrel organs, people spilling out of the pubs, it was a happy place. Not particularly moral, but happy.â€? Well, as much can be said of the Hollywood I ambled into once the end credits clattered off, as sidewalk life was louder and pushier than usual and the night air was rent with twice the normal ration of whooping, cussing, and mating calls. The lovely Mooby picked me up at Vine Street and we repaired to Decay Fest, the second of two nights of drone and dissonance at Pehrspace. The onetime office-block was crammed with dozens of weird kids bouncing off the walls to Defrag, a one-man laptop-incendiary that pumped fragmented dance syncopations alternating with guttural screeches and sampled TVpreacher rants. Knobgoblin, proggier and better but less brutal, cleared the room of a score or more of twitchy droogs, haring off as if following rumors of some old lady walking down Glendale Avenue with a freshly cashed pension check. Mooby and I split for my digs to enjoy a platonic late night sampling of a pu-pu platter of hallucinogenics as I played some Ash Ra Tempel to take the edge off her tonal angst. Rude and Crued: Fade in 12 hours later and I’m riding in the blighted outskirts of San Berdoo with CityBeat’s Meghan Quinn to Cruefest at the Glen Helen Pavilion. With the possible exception of the Doors, no band has writ its name as large in L.A. rock as Motley Crue and not even Spooky Jim Morrison incited as much commercially exploitable raw madness as these four mooks. I suppose I’m to blame for my rep as rocksnob dandy, but the surprise my admiration for these guys generates from snootwad friends is itself surprising to me. The full-throttle debauchery celebrated in “Girls, Girls, Girlsâ€? and “Dr. Feelgoodâ€? is as dear to me as the airiest Arthur Lee epigram and much more frequently observed. We traipsed the dusty way past drunk-ass fans and prickly events staff just in time for Nikki Sixx’s solo project Sixx: A.M. and to see some chick with a chalk-green face get carried out all hors du combat. Most of the fans were Angelenos on a spree, the usual stickwood decorum maintained on the Strip completely forgotten. Papa Roach (so-so) and Buckcherry (superior) came and went as the sky darkened and hordes of boisterous drunks wove in-and-out of the VIP tent. Meghan’s prettily batting eyes and my storytelling knack got us pit passes, so we squeezed into place a few feet in front of the stage. Even before the headliners came on, the crowd began getting some serious ya-yas out, toking, swilling and loving each other up. The curtain ascended and “Kickstart My Heartâ€? bellowed forth amid fireworks, followed by “Wild Sideâ€? and every other hit, plus a couple of tunes from Saints of Los Angeles (the band’s first album this decade) that gave no pause in the long detonation. Nikki, Vince Neil, and Tommy Lee are all well-defined characters packing such a freight of legend into their every move that the audience would’ve loved any crap they’d dished up. That the Crue’s show was a model of force, durability, and professionalism came as a love offering to the fan base as made them. “It’s good to be back in Los Angeles!â€? yelled Vince, his grasp of geography uncertain but his reading of the crowd on the money. Coda: One hour after the encore, I was sitting on a tailgate smoking weed, and an hour or so after that, I was crossing the Sixth Street Bridge back in Sweet Home L.A. after a concerned Meghan dropped me off in the concrete blight of downtown. A would-be mugger requested my money, but his refusal to take my advice on analingus technique (I told him to lick my ass) meant we both didn’t get what we asked for. Soon, I was at the Firehouse for the Temple fundraiser mentioned in Seven Days last week, listening to a pretty blonde I’d just met describe the now-sold works of art that had hung on the walls. We both adjourned to a speakeasy called The Big Deal located unfindably deep in the Warehouse District. It was almost four a.m. when I got there, but the place was still writhing like a strobe-lit orgy when I left. âœś






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George Harrison would have loved Dr. Dog. These Philadelphia-based apple scruffs possess the shaggy soul of the Band, the melodic nous of the Beatles, and rival their buddies – and tourmates – Wilco and the Raconteurs for sheer likeability, as well as their power to convey a love of joyous Americana. The overall-adorned quintet’s latest, Fate, may be one of the most immediate discs you’ll hear this year, so much so that it’s difficult to trust it ‌ heck, the band even look like they just might be selling you snake oil in those clothes. But one swallow is all it takes for Dr. Dog’s incredible elixir to work its strong magic. –Joshua Sindell With the Delta Spirit. Fri. at the El Rey Theatre, 5515 Wilshire Blvd., Miracle Mile, (323) 936-6400, theelrey.com.


The Airborne Toxic Event. Chirpy, quirky guitar pop from acclaimed Los Feliz dudes. With the Morning Benders, and Radars to the Sky. El Rey Theatre, Miracle Mile, theelrey.com. Darker My Love. Psychedelic garage fanatics who can actually rock. With Eulogies, Amnion, and Tweak Bird. The Troubadour, West Hollywood, troubadour.com. The Faint, Jaguar Love. Nebraskan techno-synth-poppers lovingly re-create the sound of the ’80s. Jaguar Love – featuring former members of the Blood Brothers and Pretty Girls Make Graves – succeed only at being whiny and obnoxious. With Shy Child. Music Box @ Fonda, Hollywood, henryfondatheater.com. Also Fri., Jaguar Love play Thursday only. Eddie Izzard in Stripped. The free-associating “male lesbian� returns with his acclaimed stage show. Kodak Theatre, Hollywood, kodaktheatre.com. Also Fri.-Sat. Hugh Masekela. The South African jazz legend brings his trumpet back to Hollywood. Catalina Bar & Grill, Hollywood, catalinajazzclub.com. Also Fri.-Sun. Oliver Mtukudzi, Rocky Dawuni. Afro-pop from Zimbabwe and Ghana. Santa Monica Pier, free, twilightdance.org. Monte Negro. Album-release party for local new wave/rock/reggae crossover musicians. With Astra Heights, and the May Fire. Knitting Factory, Hollywood, knittingfactory.com. Jordin Sparks, Jesse McCartney. American Idol winner Sparks and tween heartthrob McCartney team up for a night of tunes that parents might find themselves enjoying too. Orpheum Theatre, downtown L.A., laorpheum.com.

1000 Universal Center Dr. Universal City (818) 755-9970 www.howlatthemoon.com/hollywood_tonight.html

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88 BoaDrum. Japanese noise artists the Boredoms take the lead in the West Coast side of this bicoastal event, featuring 88 drummers playing for 88 minutes, at 8:08 p.m. Sponsored by Nike. La Brea Tar Pits, Miracle Mile, nikesportswear.com. Traci Michaelz Memorial Concert. The late Peppermint Creeps drummer is feted by friends and glam-rock bands. Key Club, West Hollywood, keyclub.com. 21st Annual Long Beach Jazz Festival. The yearly summertime favorite hosts two stages of music and bands all weekend long. Rainbow Lagoon, Long Beach, longbeachjazzfestival.com. Also Sat. and Sun. Year Long Disaster. Fresh off the Foo Fighters tour, Daniel Davies and trio play their biggest hometown headliner to date. With Sid Brown, Nico Vega, the Yelling, and the Bourbon Saints. House of Blues Sunset Strip, West Hollywood, hob.com.



Atomic Punks. Steel Panther vocalist Ralph Saenz does Diamond David Lee Roth in this spot-on Van Halen tribute band. Key Club. Hexen. Local power-metal kids with a promising debut album in State of Insurgency. Whisky A Go-Go, West Hollywood, Whiskyagogo.com. Hot 92 Hot Summer Nights Funkfest. Performances from Morris Day, the S.O.S. Band, Zapp, and more. Greek Theatre, Griffith Park, Greektheatrela.com. Mondo Hollywood Festival Night One. Tiger Mask presents campy rock thrills from Mary Weiss (of the Shangri-Las), the Guana Batz, Kim Lenz & her Jaguars, Magic Christian (featuring Cyril Jordan of Flamin’ Groovies, Clem Blurke from Blondie, and Eddie Munoz of the Plimsouls), the Lords of Altamont, Luis & the Wildfires, Muck & the Mires, the Tabaltix, the Love Me Nots, Gamblers Mark, Rockin’ Ryan & the Real Goners, the Volcanics, Jail Weddings, Shaun Kama & the Kings of the Wild Frontier, Bad Luck Bandits, and the SideWynders, plus pinup appearances and go-go dancers. Knitting Factory. Rock the Bells Festival. Hip-hop gathering of superstars, including Public Enemy, Rage Against the Machine, Wu-Tang Clan, Cypress Hill, the Roots, Nas, Mos Def, Talib Kweli, EPMD, Pharoahe Monch, and many more. Glen Helen Pavilion, Devore, livenation.com.


Mondo Hollywood Festival Night Two. More kicky entertainment from Tiger Mask, featuring the Polecats, the Electric Prunes, the Moonlight Cruisers, Devil Doll, the Loons, Calavera, Johnny Legend, the Brimstone Howl, the Hexxers, the Woolly Bandits, the Beat Killers, Champagne Velvet, Charlie & the Valentine Killers, the Riff Raffs, and Prima Donna, and more pinup appearances and go-go dancers. Knitting Factory. Projekt Revolution Tour. Rap-rock festival, with performances from Linkin Park, Chris Cornell, Busta Rhymes, The Bravery, Ashes Divide, Atreyu, 10 Years, Hawthorne Heights, Armor for Sleep, and Street Drum Corps. Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre, Laguna Hills, livenation.com.


Inara George. Lowell’s little girl celebrates the release of The Invitation, her collaboration with orchestrator supreme Van Dyke Parks. Largo, Los Angeles, largo-la.com.


Samantha Crain and the Midnight Shivers. Choctaw singer-songwriter from Oklahoma and her group play modern folk with the edges left razor-sharp. Hotel Cafe, Hollywood, hotelcafe.com.


Bigelf. Unparalleled heavy metal/pop/prog melodies, from a group that combines the best of the Beatles and Black Sabbath. The Roxy, West Hollywood, theroxyonsunset.com. Etta James and the Roots Band. Blues legend James joins forces with the Roots Band to burn down the Bowl. Hollywood Bowl, Hollywood, hollywoodbowl.com. The Locust, Qui. Avant-jazz-metal with the terrifyingly schizophrenic Locust, tonight teamed with former Jesus Lizard frontman David Yow and his new group Qui. With Upsilon Acrux, and Halloween Swim Team. The Echo, Echo Park, attheecho.com. Low vs. Diamond. L.A.’s version of the Killers or the Strokes? Judge for yourself. With His Orchestra. The Troubadour.

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Your month ahead in the sad, sad world of professional comedy



Maria Bamford records her new CD at UBC. You got somewhere else to be on a Wednesday night? BY REBECCA SCHOENKOPF


y skin is getting softer, but my bones are jutting out,” Maria Bamford is sing-songing in a voice that has nothing to do with the voices of the other women on L.A.’s stages. It is not brassy, or coarse. It is sometimes the voice of a cartoon baby, sometimes the nasal and knowing cadences of a Palos Verdes lady at lunch, sometimes a perfect pterodactyl screech. Her voice owes more to Pee-wee’s Playhouse or The Muppet Show than it does to any woman in town. Nor are her ideas on aging the usual ones bandied about with mic in hand, of what it means to get older as an L.A. woman. She does not talk about back fat, or wobbly arms, or Botox. Am I right, ladies? Am I right? Instead, it is a sunny Dada day. “Even my ideas are getting older,” she keens softly, her brows raised owlishly into a sort of Cindy McCain stunned drug haze. She growls. “Oh, we heard it, lady, high voice/low voice, we get it!” She goes on a while, absurdly, about stuffed animals thrown away, and how only those who love you can see your true beauty, before perkily announcing, “Velveteen Rabbit!”


And Aug. 14, it’s Billy the Mime in such routines as “Dreams of a Young Crippled Boy,” “Close to Her: Karen Carpenter,” “Terry Schiavo – Adieu,” “A Day Called 9/11,” and “Columbine: School’s Out.” For EVER! 9:30 p.m. $5. 5919 Franklin Ave., Hollywood, (323) 908-8702. losangeles.ucbtheatre.com

t is a Monday night at Cuba Libre in Los Feliz; the suavay bartender is winking at the ladies as he’s pouring rum. A few of the comics in the two-hour show are terrific; one woman does a kind of Sarah Silverman-lite with lots of fucks and reveling in her own Instant Message awesomeness that’s utterly likeable and very funny. Who does she have to fuck to get a compliment from her mother? Fine. She fucked her. A few people bomb but seem to take it well, agreeing out loud with the audience’s silence. One guy, all these years later, is still opening with, “I know what you’re thinking. I look like ... fucked ... !” Oh, dear. Meanwhile, Bamford is popping in to introduce the acts, to do a minute here,

five minutes on pug safety training there. Five minutes on five hours of pug safety training, in a fully realized universe of pug safety boot camp down to the pugs’ ridiculous twinned names. The stupid names may come from precious owners, but the boot camp is solely the fault of the overbearing rescue ladies. Thanks, Glendale Petco. And everyone laughs, because everyone has tried to adopt a puppy only to have the very strange women of the animal rescue threaten to conduct a home visit, or tell you, at 28 (when you’ve managed to raise to the age of seven a real live boy) that they doubt you are mature enough to care for a dog. Whatever, I’m still mad and it’s like seven years later. And she is talking about other things, rapid-fire, I don’t really know what all except for a lovely throwaway gag on being too evolved even for canvas bags at the grocery store – “Cause mama can juggle!” She trails off. “So far, I can purchase fruit in threes.” Maria Bamford’s not really anecdotedriven, not particularly observational, not especially prone to describe herself as the product of two disparate and funny-looking celebrities. She’s beautifully off. I used to see Bamford years and years ago, at open mics all over town. All the altcomics adored her, but I sort of thought she tried too hard, that she was weird only for weird’s sake, sort of a 25-year-old-girl Emo Philips. Twelve years later, though, either she’s grown into it or I have. It’s not just a pterodactyl screech (which was always funny); it has its own fullness, its own alternate dimension of all the voices in her head, each taking a turn, for a sentence or just a phrase, in rapid-fire at the mic. ✶

The Groundlings keep up the shows that are their bread and butter: Thursdays, it’s Cookin’ with Gas (8 p.m. $16), a show that’s run since 1992, each week with a special guest. Will you see Quentin Tarantino? Will you see Sinbad? Will he tell about the time he and Hillary Clinton landed in Bosnia under a rain of sniper fire? I bet that was exciting! Fridays and Saturdays, it’s a brand-new show with The Groundlings, Your Body, and You. (Fri., 8 p.m.; Sat., 8 & 10 p.m. $21.50). Friday’s Completely Different Late Show (10 p.m. $15), meanwhile, is liable to get some actual names dropping by. (We miss you, Cheri Oteri!) 7307 Melrose Ave, L.A., (323) 934-4747. groundlings.com. It’s been a while since the Upright Citizens Brigade took over from the Groundlings as the coolest place to get your comedy degree. Fuckers launched Amy Poehler! And their shows? Lighten the wallet at proper Bush economy prices – you won’t pay more than $8 this month. This month, they continue the Fun Bunch’s See You Next Tuesday (Tuesdays, 10:30 p.m.; FREE!) after the Fun Bunch’s Comedy Death Ray (8:30 p.m. $5). On Aug. 7, it’s You Bet Your Life With Jimmy Pardo, and I’m dying to know if they licensed that properly, or if somebody’s about to get Scrabuloused (9:30 p.m. $5). Aug. 9, it’s Janeane Garofalo (8 p.m. $8) followed at 10 p.m. by the adorable Charlene Yi and her Music Box ($8).

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It’s a slow month for comedy at Largo, mostly given over to the lovely retro stylings of Inara George and the spare melodicisms of Men at Work’s Colin Hay and the folky wit of Loudon Wainwright and the Jon Brion experience. (And we do mean experience.) They do, though, have another brilliant episode of the monthly Paul F. Tompkins show (Aug. 9, 8:30 p.m. $20); the only-sometimes-shrill (and one of the 10 best things about Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion) Janeane Garofalo (Aug. 27, 9 p.m. $25); the Greg Proops Chat Show (Aug. 30, 9 p.m. $25); and in the little room (so little! The tiniest of rooms!) the excellent Tig Notaro, Aug. 18, 9 p.m. 366 N. La Cienega Blvd., Hollywood, (310) 855-0350. largo-la.com. --Rebecca Schoenkopf

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The Accomplices. Bernard Weinraub examines the activists who tried to persuade America to admit more Jewish refugees during World War II and the government bigwigs who thwarted those efforts. Our sympathies are largely with the hot-headed immigrant Peter Bergson (Steven Schub) and his cooler pal (William Dennis Hurley), while the chief villain is State Department assistant secretary Breckinridge Long (Brian Carpenter). But Weinraub argues that Long’s effort were abetted by some Jewish leaders including Rabbi Stephen Wise (Morlan Higgins), and that FDR (James Harper) was, at best, negligent. Director Deborah LaVine navigates the docudramatic details in a consistently lucid and fast-paced production. Fountain Theatre, southeast Hollywood. (323) 663-1525. FountainTheatre.com. Closes August 24. American Dead. Rogue Machine presents Brett Neveu’s anatomy of a decaying small town, focusing on the aftermath, five years later, of the murder of a deputy sheriff (Deborah Puette). Her alcoholic brother (Mark St. Amant), her former boss (Paul Dillon), her widower (David Paluck) and his new wife (Ann Noble) cope with the event in different ways. The narrative rises from the dead as a newcomer (Darin Singleton) offers new evidence in the murder investigation. Dado directs with an acute sensitivity to nuance on Ian Garrett’s sprawling, multilocale set. Theatre/Theater, mid-city L.A. (323) 960-7726. roguemachinetheatre.com. Closes August 24. Body Politic. In Jessica Goldberg’s spare but quietly powerful new play, a Hollywood screenwriter (Kristin Lear) seeks permission to research a script by spending time in the Walter Reed wards for Iraqi vets. Denying her access is an Army captain (Michael James Reed) who lost a foot in Iraq; his pregnant wife (Samantha Shelton) fears that he’s about to return to the front. Jeremy Maxwell doubles as a blinded vet in the ward and as the Hollywood exec who supervises the writer’s project. Goldberg appears determined to keep typical Iraq War anger from going over the top, and Chris Fields’s staging for Echo Theater honors that goal. But the closing scene breaks the conversational style, with haunting results. Zephyr Theatre, Melrose district. (800) 413-8669. echotheatercompany.com. Closes August 24. Henry IV. Independent Shakespeare Company presents the condensed parts 1 and 2. These “complete” versions often feel hobbled by a couple of facts – Part 2 isn’t as interesting as Part 1, and the frequently depicted political and military machinations of the era aren’t as

interesting as the conflicting relationships that prince Hal (David Melville) has with his primary playmate Falstaff (Danny Campbell), his real father Henry IV (Joseph Culliton), and his chief rival Hotspur (Sean Pritchett). The outdoor setting adds the distractions of helicopters. But the leading performances are strong, Culliton’s direction offers a couple surprises, and the admission is free. Barnsdall Park, east Hollywood. (323) 836-0288. independentshakespeare.com. Closes August 22. Mr. Punch. The complete title is The Comical Tragedy or Tragical Comedy of Mr. Punch. The Rogue Artists Ensemble adaptation of the Neil Gaiman/Dave McKean graphic novel journeys into a British man’s (Miles Taber) memories of his childhood summer spent hanging out at his grandfather’s (Dana Kelly Jr.) seaside arcade, where the star attractions include a brutal Punch and Judy show, run by a manipulative “professor” (Tom Ashworth), and a kindly mermaid (Nina Silver). Sean T. Cawelti’s staging is a design tour de force, involving masks, puppets, projections, video, song and dance. The atmosphere, more than the play, is the thing. Bootleg Theatre, near Beverly and Alvarado, L.A. (800) 838-3006. rogueartists. org. Closes August 31. The Next Big Thing. This self-styled “garage band musical,” set in 1983 Chicago, depicts a teenager (Brandon Ruckdashel) who has a dream and a Yamaha DX7 synthesizer. His single mom (co-composer Missy Gibson of the indie rock band Breech) had her own pop star dreams crushed out of her but reluctantly helps the kid and his pals form a band, which takes off after adding a girl singer (Matisha Baldwin). The appealing rock score, by Gibson and musical director Mike Flanagan, keeps the show percolating (although Gibson’s voice sounded on the verge of collapse at the reviewed performance). Jeff Favre’s book begins falling apart after intermission, suffering from too many complications and a wish-fulfillment ending. Favre and Rachel Maize codirected. Art/works Theatre, Hollywood. (323) 960-4418. thenextbigthingmusical.com. Closes August 16. Songs From an Unmade Bed. Mark Campbell’s sophisticated lyrics are showcased in this one-singer, three-instrumentalist, 18-song revue, with music by 18 different composers. Most of the lyrics cover a gay single guy’s romantic travails, thoughtfully staged by Patrick Pearson. Dave Barrus sings with consummate intelligence, but he’s almost too photogenic to generate much post-breakup sympathy, and his looks are highlighted by a Kowalskian undershirt and lovingly sculpted lighting. Celebration Theatre, Hollywood. (323) 957-1884. celebrationtheatre.com. Closes August 10. –Don Shirley





ALL-SINGING! ALL-DANCING! ALL-CANONICAL! Two new musicals jack the classics BY DON SHIRLEY


he idea of turning classic dramas into musicals often arouses snickering. But consider West Side Story. It’s a very loose adaptation of Romeo and Juliet, set in a different time and place. The more thorough the changes are, the less likely that a musical version will be considered a silly or exploitative corruption of the original. Two new musicals are freely adapted from classics. Gulls transplants and updates Chekhov’s The Seagull to America, 1959. DeLEARious riffs primarily on Shakespeare’s King Lear, although it also throws other odd elements into its satirical stew. The two shows don’t have much in common, though both could use a trim. But both are commendable theatrical adventures, especially for those who are familiar with the sources. Gulls is set in three cities – New York, San Francisco, and Los Angeles – instead of The Seagull’s rural Russian estate. The coming-of-age characters find plenty of cultural and intellectual stimuli at their doorstep. When the young poet ( John Keefe) performs his latest opus for his famous actress mother (Rende Rae Norman) on the Greenwich Village rooftop over his uncle’s apartment, his manifesto isn’t quite as hopeless as in the original’s corresponding scene. He doesn’t abruptly halt the performance in recognition of the audience’s disdain. It helps that his poem is set to a jazzy score by Maury McIntyre, with clever beat lyrics by Nick Salamone, who also wrote the book. Many of the relationships retain vestiges of the original’s. The poet sneers at his mother’s success and her new lover, a novelist and screenwriter (Robert Mammana). He’s head over heels for his mother’s late dresser’s daughter, the aspiring actress Nina (Sabrina Sloan), whose lightskinned black heritage probably makes her even more tempting for the young rebel. But Salamone also invented some major departures from the original. The poet’s cousin Zelda (Grace Wall) isn’t in love with him as much as she is with his attitudes. Eventually we learn that Zelda’s actual object of desire is Nina. Meanwhile, the marriage of Zelda’s retired admiral father (Marc Cardiff ) and her Eastern European mother (Eileen

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T’Kaye) is on the rocks for reasons that are explained only in fits and starts. But let’s just say that they involve one of the ex-admiral’s Navy colleagues (Clinton Derricks-Carroll until last weekend, Harrison White starting this weekend) – a ghostly African American man who doubles as the play’s omniscient narrator. This narrator feels anti-Chekhovian. He speaks directly to the audience, sometimes repeating his ham-fisted commentaries such as the ritualistic “The year was 1959, and we were all gulled into believing we were something we were not.” Unlike many narrators, he doesn’t help elucidate the plot. The role should be cut. More often, the characters successfully personalize their cusp-of-change moment in America just as Chekhov’s Russians did with their own fin-de-siecle era. This is a much bigger and less eccentric Chekhov musical than the McIntyre/Salamone team’s earlier Moscow. Jessica Kubzansky’s staging and Greg Chun’s musical direction enhance all the details. DeLEARious plays like a full-length Second City musical – its author/director Ron West is a Second City vet whose previous collaboration with composer Phil Swann, The People vs. Friar Laurence, had a similar tone. The high quality of wit holds up longer than anyone might expect – even as the plot ventures away from Lear and into such detours as the writing of the King James Bible and auditions for this very musical. The rapid-fire pacing seldom takes laugh breaks, so you’re grateful that the laughs aren’t all that loud, because you want to hear the next line. The quicksilver actors play many roles in three eras on a nearly bare stage – but we never lose our place. It’s, yes, the most delirious Lear you may ever see. ✶

Gulls, Theatre@Boston Court, Pasadena, (626) 683-6883. bostoncourt.org. Closes August 24. DeLEARious, Open Fist Theatre, Hollywood, (323) 882-6912. openfist.org. Closes August 29. For more reviews, go to lacitybeat.com, click on LA&E and Stage.



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RENT A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE! BEAUTIFUL 4 BD 3.5 BTHS PARTLY FURNISHED HOUSE, FORMAL DINING ROOM, NICE SIZE KITCHEN WITH ALL APPLIANCES, A BATHROOM DOWNSTAIRS, WASHER & DRYER, PORCH, 10800’, 2 CAR GARAGE, ALARM, HIGH FENCE, GREAT FOR FAMILY WITH CHILDREN, NO PETS PLEASE. ONLY$2,750 A MONTH, 818-231-3347 or 818-705-2421RENT A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE! BEAUTIFUL 4 BD 31/2 BTHS PARTLY FURNISHED HOUSE, FORMAL DINING ROOM, NICE SIZE KITCHEN WITH ALL APPLIANCES, A BATHROOM DOWNSTAIRS, WASHER & DRYER, PORCH, 10800’, 2 CAR GARAGE, ALARM, HIGH FENCE, GREAT FOR FAMILY WITH CHILDREN, NO PETS PLEASE. ONLY$2,750 A MONTH, 818-231-3347 or 818-705-2421 FURNISHED VERY COOL HOUSE FOR RENT: Bel Air Beverly Glen. fully restored 1928 enclosed Cape Cod cottage w awnings, 2 bd., 1.5 ba, 2 car garage, manicured yard w flowers, 5’ Jacuzzi, aqua therapy, includes spa, pool, gardener, utilities, 1 yr lease + security deposit, $4,250, call Diane 760-6025076

REASONABLE PRICE, COME ON IN AND SEE FOR YOURSELF. FURNITURE 4 LESS: Why pay for more, when you can pay for less. The finest furnitures in town. We also Deliver. OPEN 7 days a week. 11142 Whittier Blvd. Whittier, CA 90606. We deliver. 562.695.4977 HOME RENTAL NORTH HOLLYWOOD: 3 bdrs.2 baths Interior all brand new Large yard with pool No credit check Call 866-5996584 $999 per month ALL AREAS - ROOMMATES.COM. Browse hundreds of online listings with photos and maps. Find your roommate with a click of the mouse! Visit: www.Roommates.com. (AAN CAN)

Apartment/ Condos/Lofts

KOREATOWN: 213-3847047 $875+up Large single, ALL UTILITIES INCLUDED, Totally remodeled. A/C, Fridge, stove, refrigerator, ceramic tiles. Gated Entry,

Gated Parking Available. Elevator, Laundry room. 509 S Manhattan Pl. 213-3847047 KOREATOWN: 213-3896631 Bachelors $775 & up. ALL UTILITIES INCLUDED. Remodeled, refrigerator, Pool, Gated Entry. Laundry Room, Gated Parking Available. 245 S Reno St. MISSION HILLS: 818-9203753 Single $830+up. 1BD $1125. Newer building, totally remodeled, gated entry & parking, A/C, Dishwasher, Stove, Fridge, Laundry room, Balconies 9929 Sepulveda Blvd. N HOLLYWOOD: 818-9801277. 1 BD $1150. Newer Bldg. Totally Remodeled. Gated entry & parking, AC, fridge, stove, dw, Pool, Laundry Room, BBQ Area 6253 Lankershim NO HO ARTS DISTRICT LOVE WHERE YOU LIVE: Jr 1 BD $985+up. ALL UTILITIES PAID, Totally remodeled. A/C, Fridge, stove. Laundry, Balcony, Ceramic tile, Gated Entry. & Parking. 5751 Camellia Ave. 818761-6620. 2 WEEKS FREE WITH ONE YEAR LEASE THE PLACE TO STAY IS PALMS/WEST LA! Single $1130+up. 1BD $1340+up. Newer Building, Gated Entry & Subterranean Parking, 2 Elevators, Air Cond. Fridge, Stove, D/W, Laundry Room, 3848 Overland. 310-8393647 WEST LA: Single $1195, 1BD $1495+up. Parking, Gated Entry, Balconies,

Laundry Room, Fridge and Stove, Some totally remodeled. No pets. ASK ABOUT MOVE IN SPECIALS. 1755 Purdue Ave 310-479-1079 REASONABLE PRICE, COME ON IN AND SEE FOR YOURSELF. FURNITURE 4 LESS: Why pay for more, when you can pay for less. The finest furnitures in town. We also Deliver. OPEN 7 days a week. 11142 Whittier Blvd. Whittier, CA 90606. We deliver. 562.695.4977 WEST LA: Single $1195, 1BD $1495+up. Parking, Gated Entry, Balconies, Laundry Room, Fridge and Stove, Some totally remodeled. No pets. ASK ABOUT MOVE IN SPECIALS. 1755 Purdue Ave 310-479-1079 KOREATOWN: 213-3896631 Bachelors $775 & up. ALL UTILITIES INCLUDED. Remodeled, refrigerator, Pool, Gated Entry. Laundry Room, Gated Parking Available. 245 S Reno St. MISSION HILLS: 818-9203753 Single $830+up. 1BD $1125. Newer building, totally remodeled, gated entry & parking, A/C, Dishwasher, Stove, Fridge, Laundry room, Balconies 9929 Sepulveda Blvd. N HOLLYWOOD: 818-9801277. 1 BD $1150. Newer Bldg. Totally Remodeled. Gated entry & parking, AC, fridge, stove, dw, Pool, Laundry Room, BBQ Area 6253 Lankershim FIND WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR? Goto www. lacitylist.com

see yourself living here

1, 2 and 3 bedroom apartments and townhomes available BEVERLY the Grove






Farmers Market


w w w. p a l a z z o - p l b . c o m w w w. p a l a z z o s p a . c o m

Apartment Homes & Spa directly across from the Grove Short term and Furnished Apartments avaliable. We Cooperate with Real Estate Agents.





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To Advertise Call 323-938-1001 ANSWERS TO LAST WEEK’S




Commit to Quality Join MWD’s Award-Winning Team

Intake Pumping Plant on the Colorado

Maintaining its waste distributing system

The Metropolitan Water District of Southern California (MWD) is the nation’s Largest provider of treated drinking water. Each day the district moves more than 1.5 billion gallons of water through its distribution system delivering supplies to 26 member agencies, which sell that water to more than 300 sub-agencies or directly to consumers. In all 18 million Southern Californians rely on MWD for some or all of the water they use in their homes and businesses.







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Find What You Are Looking For?


F.E. Weymouth Water Treatment Plant

Since 1928, MWD has proudly served the people of Ventura, Los Angeles, Orange, Riverside, San Bernardino and San Diego counties. Its award-winning success relies on state-of-the-art technology, and efficient operation and maintenance by MWD’s professionals, who have built an intricate supply system through innovation, teamwork, diversity and hard work. Now you too can contribute to our success.

We are increasing our agency-wide workforce and have a number of positions available at our various facilities throughout Southern California.


Immediate Need for Principal Aduitor Also Hiring For: • Accounting & Finance • Electronics • Information Technology • Maintenance


• Administrative • Engineering • Operations

Comprehensive Benefits Package: MWD offers an outstanding benefits package that includes family health, dental, and vision care, a 401k financial plan with generous employer matching as well as a 457 plan, tuition reimbursement, extensive in-house training, flexible work schedules, and 14 paid holidays.


For More Information and to Apply

Visit: www.mwdh2o.com


Submit an on-line career interest card for e-mail notification of new opportunities.





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To Advertise Call 323-938-1001

Are you suffering from Heartburn? Do you meet the following criteria? • Age 18 to 75 years • History of Acid reflux symptoms (such as acid regurgitation, chest or abdominal pain) for at least 3 months. • Heartburn at least 2 days a week for 1 month. If so, you may be eligible to participate in a Clinical research study. Study examinations, procedures, and investigational medication will be provided to you at no cost. If you or someone you know would like to participate in this study please contact: Dr. Timothy Simmons at 310-674-0144 West Gastroenterology Medical Group 8110 Airport Blvd. (At La Tijera) Los Angeles, CA 90045




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To Advertise Call 323-938-1001

Painful Hemorrhoid? Lotus Clinical Research, Inc. is conducting a research study of an investigational medication for postoperative pain following hemorrhoid removal. If you qualify and participate in the study, one of their trusted board-certified surgeons will remove your hemorrhoid at no cost. Participants must be willing to complete all follow-up procedures. You may be compensated up to $500 for your time and travel. For more information, call: Lotus Clinical Research at 1-877-LOTUSCR (877-568-8727) to see if you qualify.

For those who are over the age of 60 and who are feeling stressed or depressed, hopeless, sad, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, anxiety, or insomnia. UCLA is conducting a 4-month research study using a study drug and placebo in conjunction with Tai Chi Chih (a set of slow-paced movements) or health education. If you are not currently receiving any psychiatric treatment with effective medications, you may ualify. Medical and psychiatric evaluations and limited physical exams are provided as part of the study. Evaluations and study drug are provided at no charge.

For more information, call UCLA at

Financial compensation is provided. 877-LOTUSCR (877-568-8727) Email: info@lotuscr.com

(310) 794-4619 LACITYBEAT 46 AUGUST 7-13, 2008



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Be on the BACKBEAT 323.938.1001


PREGNANCY TESTS Women's, Pediatric, Youth Services and


Pregnancy Tests. Call 323-644-3888 or walk in. Asian Pacific Health Care Venture, Inc. 1530 Hillhurst Avenue, Suite 200 Los Angeles, CA 90027


SAVE $2.00 PER GALLON OF GAS New Coupon book save you $1000’s on gas, send a self addressed envelope + $29.00 (money order only) to John Hinton,

PO BOX 82382, LA, CA 90082

RELAXING THERAPEUTIC MASSAGE & CALMING PEDICURE Relief for tired feet, goddess style! ReEnergizing treatment for men & women, 8 a.m. - 8 p.m., discount w/ad on 1st visit.

(323) 353-9756

MOVIE & TELEVISION EXTRAS MAKE EXTRA MONEY Must be available 2 to 4 days during the week. Have fun working on sets with some of the biggest stars in Hollywood. Vision Casting, please call our General info line

LOAN OFFER We give out loan at low & high interest rate of 3% for a minimum of 5 yrs. We give out loan in these categories: personal loan, company loan, home loan, investor loan, contact for more inquiries:

thpgray02hotmail.com & thpgray02@gmail.com

HOME RENTAL NORTH HOLLYWOOD 3 bdrs and 2 baths Interior all brand new. Large yard with pool. No credit check

Call 866-599-6584 $999 per month

FREE PSYCHIC READINGS BY PHONE Farren solves all problems. Specializes in reuniting, reveals lovers true feelings. Remove Negative Energy.

1-800-527-1542 www.psychicfarren.net

FORWARD YOUR OFFICE Never miss a another sales call. We’re there when you are not. nights, weekend, holidays, scheduling, customers problems, sales and more, reasonably priced, call us




Tarot, Psychic and Palm Readings. Karma, Chakra, and Past Life.

for a Quad City Celebrity Fashion Show and Silent Auction. Thurs., 7/31 5:30 PM – 7:30 PM, Sat., 8/ 2, 2008 12:00 PM – 2:00 pm & Thurs, 8/7 5:30 pm – 7:30 pm BASIC REQS: Females: 5’'7” & up • Males: 5’11” & up 21& up. Mail your (ZED Card) STATS, Bio, Photo & Contact info to: HOUSE OF PR - 8306 Wilshire Blvd, Ste 259, Beverly Hills, CA 90211. Bring swimwear with a cover-up & your highest heels.

3179 West Cahuenga Blvd. LA, CA 90068 Call 818-279-4448

CAREGIVERS SENT TO YOU! MooreCare in-home support for homebound patients and seniors. Keeping your loved one INDEPENDENT.

Da Head Qtrs, 5003 W. Pico Blvd, LA, CA 90019 (323)230-5431 or (310)927-8137 For more info, email: cindy@dfenterprizes@yahoo.com






1K commissions, fully automated system, no cold calling, no personal ads, all you do is advertise, contact Jason www.income4vaction.com or email



(310) 590-6441 www.moorecarebb.com

CENTRAL PACIFIC CREDIT & FINANCIAL SERVICE Need a personal loan, quick sameday, fixed rate, business, auto, mortgage, debt consolidation, bad credit OK. no application fee,



Certified, Mature & Experience. Authentic Swedish / Esalen Full Body Combined with Deep Tissue & Stretching. Nurturing, Relaxing & Safe.

Mke 818-842-5401

CALL NANCY WILSON, 909-990-9306



Are you in the 9th-11th grade & want to help other teens. We are seeking teen volunteers to train for our our teen to teen hotline to help callers with any kind of problem. Training begins in October. Applications are due September 22. Call any evening 6-10pm at


CALL 714-388-2163


The knowing of which will dramatically change your life.

Browse/Respond FREE!

213.316.1055 Code 7269, 18+

MEET PEOPLE AND NETWORK FOR BUSINESS BRAND NEW Private Members-Only Social Network is the place to be seen. If your business targets people online in any way, then you will love it here! We are a "Who's Who" Professional Social Network. Go type in:


MP REVIEWS.COM • Escort Reviews • Erotic Ads • Erotic Forums MASSAGE PARLOR REVIEWS

HOT LOCAL MEN Browse/Respond FREE!


323.648.3999 Code 5725, 18+!




www.authorhouse.com 1-888-812-6657 ORDER TODAY!


Mortgage attorney with 30 yrs of experience can advise & represent you with foreclosure & pre-fore closer problems, all options considered, reasonable fee,

818-788-1787, SCOTT WYMAN ESQ, 15915 VENTURA BLVD., SUITE 304, ENCINO, CA 91436

HELPI NG HANDS Too Busy? need help with cooking, cleaning, shopping, driving, errands, returning phone calls, remembering things, clerical work, filing , baby sitting etc....I'm here to help, I can be your personal assistant, reasonable rates to work with you, call for date and time availability


with Female or couple. Race open. No Drugs.

(310) 988-5225

• Need a Warrant Recalled? • Want to Smoke Pot on Probation? • All Criminal Defense, from Drugs to Murder.

Harvard Law, Affordable Office: 323-653-1850 (Ok to call from custody, 24-hours services)


HELP WANTED Earn Extra income assembling CD cases from Home. Start Immediately. No Experience Necessary.

1-800-405-7619 ext. 150 http://www.easywork-greatpay.com

COREAN FUSION IN THE HEART OF THE MIRACLE MILE Bab Jip Restaurant, conveniently located on La Brea Avenue & 9th Street, creates adventurous Corean Fusion dishes centered around bulgogi (Corean marinated beef). Taste a new spin on mini burgers and tacos. (See ad inside Restaurant Guide). Delivery available with $15 minimum purchase. Parking. MC, V, AE BAB JIP, 850 S. La Brea Ave. #A,

Los Angeles, CA 90036. 323 935-3636

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