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Performing Nightly at Las Noches de las Luminarias Big Nick and the Gila Monsters • Groove Merchant Horns • Chris Burton Jácome Dickens Carolers • Duncan Family • Harp Foundation • J.T.’s Island Steel Mariachi Pasión • Poranguí • Sonoran Jazz Quartet • Traveler • Handbell Ensembles (Programming subject to change)

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Thank you for reading ION Arizona!

You might be holding a printed copy of ION Arizona, but there are many ways you can enjoy every issue. Even the ones you might’ve missed, given away or—God forbid—tossed.

Explore this issue, past issues, the ION Mobile Guide and our website.

A Look into the Past One of my guilty pleasures is going back and reading past issues of ION Arizona. It’s like a time capsule—a peek into Arizona’s Gay history for over 11 years. You can also view ION Arizona on any computer, smart phone or tablet. Go to IONAZ.com and click the “Past Issues” button and download past issues of ION Arizona.

Once open, click on the button that says “Open in iBooks.”

After that, all you have to do to view ION Arizona is to go directly to iBooks and they’re always right on your bookshelf.

Discover Your Community Have you checked out the ION Mobile Guide yet? Not only is it a quick and easy 10

www.IONAZ.com November 2012

guide to your community, but it now features a quick guide of all the drink specials, as well as a one-touch dial button directly to Discount Cab for a safe ride home. Go to IONAZ. com and click on the “ION Mobile Guide” button. You can also save the guide to your home screen for quick reference.

The easiest way is to use the QR reader with your smart phone at the code on this page

Free Barry Manilow Tickets When I was 14-years-old, I loved Barry Manilow! I listened to his Greatest Hits album constantly. Now, you have a chance to join me and experience this musical genius in person on Sunday, December 9, at the Comerica Theatre! We have two pair of tickets to give away to ION Arizona readers! Just go to IONAZ.com and enter for a chance to win a pair of tickets.

Hurry! The deadline to enter is November 15.

This month, we’re excited about our special INK, INC. Tattoo issue.

It includes a “revealing” interview with one of the all-time YouTube greats, Chris “Leave Britney Alone!” Crocker, a very special One ‘n Ten Thanksgiving and our ION Arizona Brunch guide!

Thank you for your time and enjoy all that ION Arizona has to offer!

Jack M. Tesorero Publisher

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FABULOUS MIA

CRUISIN’ 7TH

S ATU R D AY N I G HT

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3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero .............................. jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ........................................ kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown ....................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITORS Kimberly Ruff Austin Head PRODUCTION ASSISTANTs Chance Gullon Brandon Whitney PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jack Tesorero ............................................... (602) 750-1164 Danny Catt, Regional Sales Director ............ (520) 429-5905 ionazsales@me.com ADVERTISING CONSULTANT Bill Knoop ..................................................... (602) 301-8457 Photographers:

Fernando Hernandez Jerry O’Conner Don Thompson Danny Catt Devin Mitchell Gavin Jowitt Cover photo by Jerry O’Conner Art by Kevin Bushaw National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Wes Bergman Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly C. Edwards

Robert Hoffman Ted Kirby Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez

Published monthly by

1995-2012: 17 Years of Design and Creative Excellence

© 2012 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation.

Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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ENCHANTED HALLOWEEN

More

BS WEST

PHOTOS at www.IONAZ.com

24th Annual Festival for Life THE social event of the season! You won’t want to miss this incredible evening auctioning off Christmas trees, wreaths, artwork, gift baskets, celebrity memorabilia with entertainment and more! It happens on Saturday, November 10 benefiting SAAF (Southern Arizona AIDS Foundation). Where? The Tucson Chinese Cultural Center,1288 W. River Rd. Visit FestivalForLife.org for more info or call 520-628-SAAF (7228) See ad p. 81

One n Ten Legacy Club We believe that children are our future! Become a member of the One n Ten Legacy Sustaining Donor program where you can help give GLBTQ youth a chance for vocational training or a college education. See you on Thursday, November 15 from 6-8 p.m. at the fabulous Hotel Palomar at CityScape, 2 E. Jefferson St. Entertainment.

Entertainment, light appetizers and a cash bar.

See ad p. 76

Wax-a-Bear, Stuff-a-Turkey Fuzzy-Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy-Wuzzy had no hair. Not after this event! Anvil’s hosting a public waxing by auction, buzz cuts, and a shoe black! It all benefits Logan’s Playground raffles, Jell-O shots and more! $5 at door or five cans of food suggested donation. Saturday, November 17, 10 p.m. at Anvil. 2303 E. Indian School Rd. Fuzzy-Wuzzy wasn’t very hairy, was he? Visit WaxaBear.org See ad p. 33

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Stache Bash It’s “No Shave MO-vember!” It’s time to show off your “nose neighbor” and celebrate facial hair fashion while supporting prostate and testicular cancer awareness and initiatives. The fun part comes in at IBT’s where they’ll be giving away mustaches and more! Don’t forget about the drink specials, a drag show and dancing! Did we mention go-go boys? 616 N. 4th Ave. in Tucson. Phone: 520882-3053 Check out IBTsTucson.com See ad on p. 51

Charlie’s 28th Anniversary Yee haw, y’all! We may be miles away from any farm, cowboys, but you’ll always get a little bit of the country at Charlie’s! They’ve been doing it for 28 years now! Join in the the honky-tonk birthday fun on Wednesday, November 14 for 1¢ cocktails from 8-10 p.m. and a complimentary buffet with a Charlie’s All Star show at 9 p.m.

727 W. Camelback Rd. Phone: 602-265-0224 CharliesPhoenix.com

NOVEMBER 2012 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE EVENT Wed Karaoke Sun Girls’ Night Out 10 Festival for Life 10 Salute to Veteran’s 11 Veteran’s Day Party 15 Mustache Ride 16-17 Get Stuffed Bash 16 Bearracuda 16 Sonora Karisma 17 Wax-a-Bear 21 Get Over the Hump 21 Carnaval Latino 24 Leather Gear Night 28 Charlie’s 28th Anniversary Party 29 Thanksgiving Party 30 Stache Bash Dec 6 Arizona’s Got Talent 7-30 Luminarias 8 Festival of Trees

LOCATION CITY Club 24 Phoenix Cruisin’ 7th Phoenix Chinese Cultural Ctr. Tucson Anvil Phoenix Karamba Phoenix icepics Phoenix Dick’s Cabaret Phoenix The Rock Phoenix Karamba Phoenix Anvil Phoenix The Rock Karamba Phoenix Anvil Phoenix Charlie’s Phoenix Karamba Phoenix IBTs Tucson The Rock Phoenix Desert Botanical Gardens, Phoenix Renaissance Hotel Phoenix November 2012 www.IONAZ.com 19

MISS GODDESS APOLLO’S

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Shannel & Nina Flowers RuPaul’s Drag Race veterans and superstars of entertainment and illusion, the incomparable Shannel and exotic Nina Flowers hit the stage at Karamba Nightclub as part of the monthly Carnaval Latino espectáculo grandioso on WednesdayStick around for the Meet ‘n’ Greet after the show! 1724 E. McDowell Rd. Phone: 602-2540231 KarambaNightclub.com

NOVEMBER 2012 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE TIME Sun 4 7:00pm 8 & 9 9:00pm Sun 11 7:00pm Sun 11 Wed 14 8:00pm Sun 18 7:00pm Wed 21 Thurs 22 10:30pm Fri 23 4:00pm Sun 25 7:00pm Thurs 29 10:30pm Fri 30 9:00pm

LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) The Rock Miss Rock Pageant The Rock Sherry Vine & Joey Arias Apollo’s Tequila Nights with Tyra Marie Karamba Veteran’s Day Show & Party Charlie’s All Star Show hosted by Pussy LeHoot & Claudia B. Apollo’s The Cougar Cabaret Karamba Shannel & Nina Flowers at Carnaval Latino Karamba Thanksgiving Show & Party with Ruby Reynolds Charlie’s Black Friday Show Apollo’s Coco Loves Nevaeh Karamba Ruby Reynold’s Birthday Show IBT’s Stache Bash

WEEKLY SHOWS Mondays 10:00pm Mondays 10:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 10:30pm Wednesdays 10:00pm Thursdays 9:00pm Thursdays 10:30pm Fridays 10:00pm Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 10:30pm Fridays 9:00pm Saturdays 9:00pm Saturdays 10:30pm Saturdays 10:00pm Saturdays 10:00pm Saturdays 9:30pm 1st & 3rd Sun. 12:30pm Sundays 8:30pm Sundays 10:30pm

Charlie’s Apollo’s IBT’s The Rock Karamba Charlie’s The Rock Karamba Woody’s IBT’s Cruisin’ 7th BS West IBT’s Cruisin’ 7th The Rock icepics Charlie’s Cruisin’ 7th Charlie’s Karamba

Barbra Seville w/ Strippers!

Drag Race Viewing Party/ Naughty or Nice Bingo Viva La Diva with Janee Star Open Wide Wednesdays Girls of Karamba - Adrian Galiano, Karime Lizaldi, & Celeste Montiel Claudia B. & Company Catia Lee Love Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds T.D.I.F. (Thank DiVa It’s Friday!)

Absolutely Flawless with China Collins Miss Dottie Pepper Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers Starrletts with Janee Star The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams The Barbra Seville Show The Olivia Gardens Show / A Touch of Soul with Maraya Jordan Pussy’s Patio Show Sunday Morning Madness with Miss Dottie Pepper Pussy LeHoot & Friends Diamond’s Show

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BAR 1

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PHOENIX PATIO BAR

Opus Sex, drugs & chamber music! A string quartet fires their chemical-dependent, unstable genius of the group. They hire a gifted, but inexperienced, woman just days before a televised performance in the White House. A pressure cooker of passions and personalities! Starring the fab Ian Christiansen. November 2-18 at Actors Theatre at the Herberger, 222 E. Monroe St.

Bat Boy: the Musical The half-boy, half-bat creature, discovered in a cave, who hit it big terrorizing the country in the tabloid The Weekly World News. He learns to join society, but faces hatred and violence from the townfolk. Music, slapstick and irony is thrown in for fun! November 16-December 1 at Evelyn Smith Theatre at ASU, 40 E. Gammage Pkwy. in Tempe. For info call: 480-965-6536

David Sedaris “Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I! And I’d do it more if I could get away with it.”

David Sedaris, the author of the hilarious, Post-Modern Holiday Classic “The Santaland Diaries,” comes to the University of Arizona’s Centennial Hall in Tucson on November 27 for an evening of mockery and mirth you won’t want to miss. 1020 E. University Blvd. Box office: 520-621-3341

NOVEMBER 2012 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT 2-18 Opus 3 Kevin Hart 9-18 Guys & Dolls 9-10 A Bitch in Time 10 Elaine Boosler 13-18 Anything Goes!

13-12/2 Shear Madness 15-17 9 Circles 15-12/2 Lombardi 16-18 Craig Shoemaker 16-12/1 Bat Boy: The Musical thru 18 Oklahoma!

21 Comedy Slam 6 23-25 Pablo Francisco 28-12/2 Cirque du Soleil 27 David Sedaris 29-12/2 Christian Finnegan 31-11/25 Defending the Caveman

LOCATION PHONE Actors Theatre at Herberger 602-254-7399 Comerica Theatre 602-379-2888 Mesa Arts Center 480-644-6500 Space 55 Theatre 602-663-4032 Talking Stick Resort 800-745-3000 ASU Gammage 480-965-3434 Mesa Arts Ctr. 480-644-6500 iTheatre at Herberger Theatre 602-347-1071 AZ Theatre Co. at Phx Theatre 602-256-6995 StandUp Live - Phx 480-719-6100 Evelyn Smith Theatre at ASU 480-965-6536 AZ B’way Theatre 623-776-8400 Celebrity Theatre 602-267-1600 StandUp Live Phoenix 480-719-6100 US Airways Ctr., Phoenix 800-745-3000 Centennial Hall, Tucson 520-621-3341 StandUp Live Phoenix 480-719-6100 Phx Theatre 602-254-2151 November 2012 www.IONAZ.com 23

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VAMPIRE NIGHTCLUB

ROSCOE’S ON 7TH

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Ever wonder why your friends all call you Mandy?

Wonder No More

MANILOW Sunday, December 9 Comerica Theatre

TICKETS ALSO AVAILABLE AT COMERICA THEATRE BOX OFFICE, TICKETMASTER OUTLETS OR CHARgE By pHOnE 1-800-745-3000.

All dates, acts and ticket prices are subject to change without notice.

Ticket prices subject to applicable fees.

Tickets available at the box office and 800-745-3000 or www.livenation.com 26

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Morrissey The former frontman from The Smiths is the original Emo Boy. His lyrics about bleak, doomed relationships, lonely nightclubs and the burden of the past make him as influential as ever—and he’s not even dead! He’ll be at the Marquee Theatre November 21.

Barry Manilow Who hasn’t sang “Copacabana” at least once at karaoke?

The one and only Barry Manilow, adored by little old ladies everywhere! The award winning singer/songwriter who gave us “Mandy” and “I Can’t Smile without You” comes to the Comerica Theatre December 9.

Desert Overture It’s beginning to sound a lot like Christmas! You won’t want to miss all the Joy to the World that Desert Overture, a GLBT (and allies!) community concert band, has to share as they help ring in the Holiday Season with music! A Most Wonderful Christmas starts on Friday, November 30 at 7 p.m. at First United Methodist Church of Glendale at 7102 N. 58th Dr as part of “Glendale Glitters” and again on Sunday, December 9 at 3 p.m. at Phoenix Central High School Auditorium, 4525 N. Central Ave. in Phoenix. Glendale concert subject to change. Visit DesertOverture.org for more info.

NOVEMBER 2012 ION Concert Calendar DATE ARTIST 4 Eddie Vedder 8 Jim Brickman 10 Michael Feinstein 13 Asia 16 Counting Crows 17 Blue October 18 Styx 21 Morrissey 25 Rush 27-30 Donny & Marie: Xmas in AZ 28 Lauryn Hill 30 Desert Overture DECEMBER 1 Trans-Siberian Orchestra 6 Bruce Springsteen 7 Chris Isaak 9 Barry Manilow 9 Desert Overture

LOCATION Comerica Theatre Fox Theatre - Tucson Scotts. Ctr. for the Arts Talking Stick Resort AVA Amphitheatre - Tucson Talking Stick Resort Talking Stick Resort Marquee Theatre US Airways Center ASU Gammage Celebrity Theatre FUMC of Glendale

PHONE 602-379-2888 520-547-3040 480-499-TKTS 800-745-3000 800-3449435 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 480-829-0707 800-745-3000 480-965-3434 602-267-1600

Jobing.com Arena Jobing.com Arena Celebrity Theatre Comerica Theatre Central H.S. Auditorium

800-745-3000 800-745-3000 602-267-1600 800-745-3000

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by Jackson David Kelly jacksonkelly@cox.net

Kylie Minogue

Abbey Road Sessions Though looking like yet another “Greatest Hits” package, Kylie takes a 180 degree turn and creates a 16-track unplugged album of sorts, yet not really all that acoustic. Compared to what we’ve grown to love, this album comes off as a Las Vegas lounge feast, packed with jazz undertones and a phrasing that takes some getting used to. Strangely enough, it works. Standout tracks prove to be the folk infused “I Believe in You” and “Love at First Sight,” as well as the creative and pulsating string arrangement of “Can’t Get You Out of My Head.” GRADE: B

Delerium

Music Box Opera It’s been six years since their last release and in this attempt Delerium moves toward the center of pop. Yes, I said pop! Gone are the weird, otherworldly instrumentations and in its place are ethereal, dreamy, lush undertones. As expected, find amazing support from great vocalists—Leona Ness, Kristy Thirsk and Leigh Nash, to name a few. Lead single “Monarch” channels a Middle Eastern flavor with vocals that soften the edges, while “Days Turn into Nights” and the instantly captivating “Chrysalis Heart” resonate with a sublime sense of electronica. GRADE: B+

Calvin Harris

18 Months Thanks to Rihanna, Calvin Harris is now a commercial success. Though

Yo, DJ! What’s New? most known for production credits with the likes of LMFAO, Kylie and Tiesto, Harris is packaging his recent collaborations as his third concept album. More like a radio hits album, 18 months spawns the previous tracks of “Bounce” featuring Kelis’ “Feel So Good” and “We Found Love.” Separately, the tracks work great as singles. However as a group, some cohesion is lost. Newly introduced single featuring Florence Welch is one of this set’s best, as is the guest appearance by Ellie Goulding. GRADE: C+

Christina Aguilera

Lotus For her seventh studio album, Aguilera ditches longtime collaborator Linda Perry for the current Max Martin. Bionic’s flop forces this diva to get creative, as she did on Stripped, but with a sense of self-expression that screams, “Freedom!” Combine that with her success as a coach on “The Voice” and the stage is set for the perfect rebirth. Lead single “Body” proves safe with its electronic edge, but it’s the angry “Army of Me,” the collaboration with Cee Lo called, “Make the World Move” and the haunting angst of “Blank Page,” that demonstrate brilliance. GRADE” B Want more? Check out new stuff from Cee Lo Green (Christmas/Holiday), Aerosmith, Ne-Yo, Susan Boyle, One Direction, Soundgarden, Whitney Houston (Best of), Lana Del Rey, Alicia Keys, Tracey Thorn and Kelly Clarkson (Best of).

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by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

The Raven (2012)

Starring: John Cusack, Alice Eve, Brendan Gleeson, Luke Evans After a long sabbatical, Edgar Allan Poe (Cusack) returns to his hometown of Baltimore, Maryland as a fading star. Struggling with writer’s block, he’s instead turned to writing literary criticisms that rarely find their way into the local newspaper. This frustration quickly gives way as the town becomes consumed by the terror wrought by a serial killer whose modus operandi bears a striking resemblance to the tortured deaths featured in many of Poe’s nightmarish works. Though initially a suspect, Poe quickly becomes the chief consultant on the case working closely with detective Emmett Fields (Evans).

After Poe’s clandestine fiancée Emily Hamilton (Alice Eve) is abducted, the pair must race against the clock to save her using whatever means possible before she, too, is nevermore.

The Kathy Griffin Collection: Red, White and Raw Starring: Kathy Griffin For fans of Kathy Griffin, the three-time Grammy nominated, two-time Emmy winning comedian best known for her uproariously funny commentary on celebrity culture, you can finally enjoy her stand-up performances together in one compendium; The Kathy Griffin Collection: Red, White and Raw. This collection features five hours of uncensored Griffin with the comedy specials, Pants Off and Tired Hooker, alongside five never-before-seen shows, Gurrl Down, 50 & Not Pregnant, Whores on Crutches, Kathy Griffin Does the Bible Belt, and Balls of Steel. Filled with tons of delicious Hollywood gossip and hilarious self-deprecating anecdotes about herself, her dipsomaniac mother Maggie and a slew of celebrities (including our girl Cher), this collection would make the perfect gift for anyone who ever believed, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me.” Available on DVD from Shout!

Factory.

Directed by James McTeigue (V for Vendetta), The Raven is the latest installation in the biographical fiction genre that has brought us other films, such as Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Though the concept is an interesting one, there are times where it fails to translate. Cusack’s Poe comes across more as an aging, angstridden teen than a tortured artist.

Vestige of Cusack’s early career in the 1980s teen movie circuit? Possibly.

Available on DVD and Blu-Ray.

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by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Lincoln Starring: Daniel Day-Lewis, Sally Field, Tommy Lee Jones, Joseph Gordon-Levitt In this drama directed by Steven Spielberg, two-time Academy Award winner, Daniel Day-Lewis plays the larger-than-life 16th President, Abraham Lincoln. Focusing on his tumultuous last few months in office prior to his assassination, Lincoln examines of the horrific events of the Civil War, specifically the passage of the 13th Amendment abolishing slavery and intimate view of his relationship with his family, especially the poor, tragic Mary Todd, touchingly and expertly portrayed by Sally Field. Release Date: 11/09/2012

Government official. She struggles with social norms, insecurities and her own husband’s indecision. It is these seeds of doubt that eventually plague the lovers—particularly Anna—leading her to a fate most undesirable. Release Date: 11/16/2012

The Life of Pi

Starring: Suraj Sharma, Irfan Khan, Gerard Depardieu, Adil Hussain Based on the fantasy/adventure novel of the same name by Yann Martel, The Life of Pi tells the story of Piscine Molitor “Pi” Patel, an Indian boy from Pondicherry who undergoes a significant spiritual transformation after surviving a shipwreck and spending 227 days on a lifeboat in the Pacific Ocean with a Bengal tiger.

Academy Award-winning director, Ang Lee (Brokeback Mountain) directs this visually stunning and beautifully moving film. Suraj Sharma stars. Release Date: 11/21/2012

Anna Karenina

Starring: Keira Knightley, Jude Law, Aaron TaylorJohnson Academy Award nominee, Keira Knightley (Atonement) stars in this cinematic interpretation of Leo Tolsoy’s tragic classic, Anna Karenina. A married Russian aristocrat, Anna Karenina embarks on a forbidden affair with the affluent Count Vronsky (TaylorJohnson). He attempts to make good by agreeing to marry her should she leave her husband, Karenin (Law), a November 2012 www.IONAZ.com 33

A Bunch of

Brunch We love Breakfast at Tiffany’s!

But, can you imagine how fabulous it would’ve been if it included Brunch? Audrey Hepburn with her tiara, a plate of Eggs Benedict, a slice of cantaloupe and a big, stiff Bloody Mary ... now that sounds perfect! Here’s ION Arizona’s list of the best brunches, and a few breakfasts, in town! Remember, brunch is a powerful tool. We won’t see it used for evil! Enjoy!

by Deon Brown and Kevin BushawNovember 2012 34 www.IONAZ.com

1130 the Restaurant

Offerings like the Lobster Omelette,

a veggie omelette topped with large chunks of lobster meat, and smothered in lobster sauce make this place an upscale standout. Another great option is the Steak Benedict (pictured) - two steak tenders served over english muffins, with poached eggs and hollandaise sauce. We recommend getting it medium rare. The $2 Bloody Marys & Mimosas are a great deal, but upgrade to an 1130 Signature Bloody Mary made with Tito’s Handmade Vodka for a real “wow” factor.

Weekend Brunch • 11am-3pm on Saturday, 10am-3pm Sunday Inside Arizona Center • 455 North 3rd St # 1130 Phoenix, AZ • 602-368-3046

Acacia Café

We can’t resist this gem for breakfast in the Gas

Lamp Square plaza! “Fresh” is the keyword in this independent, “Family” owned and operated café.

Create your own omelette, enjoy a fab South-bySouthwest Breakfast Burrito. The roasted Veggie Scramble on ciabbata (add sausage or bacon for a extra treat!) is a real fave! Brunch on Sunday includes that rarest unicorn of menu items: a Monte Cristo that you have to see to believe. Best of all, the prices won’t bust the bank! Check out AcaciaCafe.net Breakfast all day and Sunday Brunch.

3701 E. Indian School Rd. 602-956-0908

T

Bliss / Rebar

HE place to see and be seen on Sunday Morning.

Their extensive patio and split format make it an ideal space to make the rounds and socialize. Fresh food, fresh faces, and affordable cocktails ($3 glass or $10 pitcher of mimosas & $4 bloodies). Fare like the Chorizo Breakfast Burrito satisfies anyone who loves hot Latin sausage, and your girlfriend (who’s just a friend) can order the pancakes.

Weekend Brunch served Sat. & Sun. 10am-3pm 901 N. 4th St. Phoenix, AZ • 602-795-1792 November 2012 www.IONAZ.com 35

Dos Juevos Cantina Andele! You don’t have to make a trip to sunny Mexico

¡

to enjoy the creative, imaginative, snappy and spicy menu at Dos Juevos Cantina—you’ll find it in Scottsdale!

You don’t have to wait ‘til Sunday because they serve a muy caliente breakfast every day! The Southwest Eggs Benedict is a standout with DJC’s cornbread, with machaca beef and spicy hollandaise sauce. Try the bottomless mimosas and Bloody Marys from 9am-2pm on Saturday. Visit DosJuevos.com for a full menu.

Breakfast Everyday 7633 E. Indian School Rd., Scottsdale • 480-947-2000

FEZ

With an entire list of $3 specialty

brunch drinks, this place is great when you’re meeting a group with diverse tastes. Their cool, modern decor and comfortable patio paired along with an attentive, fun staff makes it no doubt why this is a Gay favorite in Phoenix.

It’s also a great place to take your mom! I know mine loves it.

Weekend Brunch served Sat. & Sun. 10am-2:30pm • 3815 N. Central Ave., Phoenix, AZ • 602-287-8700

Hula’s

This indoor/outdoor space blends the best of Arizona

and Modern Tiki Style. We love the Island Eggs Benedict, a twist on the classic with Portugese sausage, and you will too! Long night of partying?

The staff recommends the Hangover Hash, pork hash over hashbrowns and two over-medium eggs. The Kona coffee battered french toast with apple/plantain compote is amazing too… We could go on and on!

Weekend Brunch served Sat. & Sun. 10:30am-2:30pm 4700 N. Central Ave., Phoenix, AZ • 602-265-8454 36

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Maizie’s

asual and friendly, and one of our favorite hangouts. Winner of SWAY’s Swagger Award 2012 for Best Hangover Food and New Time’s Best of Phoenix 2012: Best Bloody Mary (Only $3!), it’s no small wonder this place feels like a reunion every Saturday and Sunday morning! The Breakfast Pizza (pictured) & the Rojo Chili de la Casa are favorites, but no matter your mood, Maizie’s menu is more versatile than the boy you met last night.

Weekend Brunch served Sat. 9am-2pm, Sun. 9am-Close (4pm) 4750 N Central Ave., Phoenix, AZ • 602-274-2828

Mi Patio

Breakfast every day! Since 1984, those friendly amigos at Mi Patio have been

cooking up some of the most authentic comidas with the freshest ingredients.

Located in the heart of Central Phoenix, they’re always a favorite! Start the day off right with their knock-out Huevos Rancheros, served everyday from 9am-11am.

Independently owned and operated and “family” friendly!

Breakfast Served Everyday from 9am-11am 3347 N. 7th Ave. on Osborn Rd., Phoenix, AZ • 602-277-4831

Roscoe’s

Are you ready for some football? Roscoe’s

has your NFL Sunday ticket! Tackle the biggest Bloody Mary bar in Central Phoenix for just $4, and score a field goal with their $8 Long Island Pitchers. Pitchers?

I thought this was football! Their fresh homemade biscuits & gravy will knock your cleats off, and their breakfast sandwich is definitely a champion (pictured). TOUCHDOWN! Sunday Brunch served at 10am.

Grill closes at 7pm.

4531 N. 7th St., Phoenix, AZ • 602.285.0833

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Switch B

reakfast Gallette! The best a man can get!

These tasty puff pastries come topped with sausage, jack cheese, breakfast potatoes and two eggs. Order a carafe of the special brunch cocktails and go crazy! If you’re like us, you’ll want to sample Chef Jason’s Weekend Special.

He keeps it fresh in every sense of the word! You could even say he’s always Switching it up.

Weekend Brunch served Sat. & Sun. 10am-3pm 2603 N. Central Ave, Phoenix, AZ • 602-264-2295

Ticoz Resto-Bar I

rresitably cute server Jared Camet may not be dressed like a taco (pictured next page) but weekend brunch here is still mucho divertido. $2.99 Bloody Marys, Greyhounds, Screwdrivers, Mimosas & Cape Cods and a great patio make this a perfect hangout. Try the Lobster Eggs Benedict (pictured) or our favorite - the Huevos Rancheros, three eggs, stacked enchiladas, pork chile verde, & queso fresco.

Weekend Brunch served Sat. & Sun. 10am- 3:00pm 5114 N 7th St, Phoenix, AZ • 602-200-0160

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Timo

pscale and comfortable, the smooth ambience is only outdone by the quality of the food coming out of their woodfired brick oven. For brunch, try the Breakfast Flatbread. And any time’s a good time for Timo Bread.

Weekend Brunch served Sat. & Sun. 9:30am- 3:00pm 8801 N Central Ave Suite 104, Phoenix, AZ • 602-354-3846

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switchofarizona November 2012 www.IONAZ.com 41

A Very One•n•Ten

Thanksgiving

by Deon Brown photos

by Fernando Hernandez 42 www.IONAZ.com November 2012

T hanksgiving is a uniquely American holiday. We set aside time to break

bread with others and share fellowship with family and friends—old and new.

It’s a time where we can pause to reflect on the bounty of our harvest. Okay, so we’re not farmers, but there are still many other very real rewards we can celebrate. Some might be physical, some are spiritual. We find the daily fabric of our lives which connects us. That’s why we give thanks.

This Thanksgiving the staff, volunteers and everybody who receives services at One n Ten are excited to share this very special time of year with their families—whether by birth or an extended one that they’ve created—with the rest of the community and those who support them.

n Ten family. Here, we learn to be empowered and self-reliant with help from our support team. Friends and family are number one!”

One n Ten moved into their very own home this year on Third Street, near Osborn Road.

Cavaliere expanded on the organization’s blessings. “Our very own home makes this Thanksgiving the most special, as well as inviting and welcoming the community, especially for our young people who don’t have a birth ‘home.’

They look out for each other, particularly during the holidays. I’m thankful to be part of it.”

Micheal Weakley, Deputy Director for six years now added, “We have lots of blessings, especially our new housing

“On Friday, November 16, from 4pm8pm we’re expecting over 200 people at the center,” said Stacey Jay Cavalier, One n Ten Programs Director. “This gives the community a chance to meet our youth, and for them to seek out mentors and support beyond One n Ten. Ethan Baldwin, 21, Youth Volunteer, reflected about what he’s thankful for.

“It’s a time for families and friends to enjoy coming together and having a great day. I’m especially thankful for my One November 2012 www.IONAZ.com 43

project for our youth in need.

We’re more than just a social place; now we’re a service center, too.”

Weakley sees Thanksgiving as a special time.

“The best part of a One n Ten

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Thanksgiving is our families. You’ll see members from the Hellraisers’ sports teams, or Bears and others helping serve. For many of our kids it’s the first time their parents are exposed to their kids’ lives here. This is the top time of year for those in need. It’s good to remember that they’re teenagers first.”

The enthusiastic dynamo Kado Stewart, Camp Director and Program Coordinator told about the great things that happen for One n Ten.

“I’m so thankful for our volunteers, especially those who help out with camp. They go above and beyond. They always show up!”

Executive Director Linda Elliott is excited about the newly established Q U Scholarship Fund independently founded and administered by several lions of the community who want to see that our GLBTQ youth have

finances available for post-high school education or career training.

“It’s huge,” Elliott said. “So many youth simply don’t have the financial resources to go beyond high school.

There’s about $20,000 in the account now. We’re so thankful for this new, vital program.”

One n Ten serves the youth and young people Valleywide at their Phoenix location, Glendale, which opened a center about a year ago. In Mesa, a location opened this past March.

November 2012 www.IONAZ.com 45

About 300 youths and young adults use One n Ten services every month.

Kado Stewart recognized what makes Thanksgiving—and the rest of the year—especially wonderful at One n Ten.

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“Our greatest blessing is our youth. They bring life to this place.

We wouldn’t be as well-rounded without them; they bring so much diversity.

They’re empowered and make One n Ten a place of strength.”

Find out more about the what One n Ten offers and the programs available at OnenTen.org. If you’d like to donate supplies, materials or if you’d like to volunteer, help facilitate or share your experiences let them know! Email Micheal Weakley at Micheal@onenten.org or call 602-475-7456

November 2012 www.IONAZ.com 47

by Rob Hoffman robshof@aol.com

W hy is it when people win an Oscar or

an Emmy or a Grammy that they can’t come right out and thank people?

It’s always, “I’d like to thank the writers ...” or, “I want to thank my partner....”

It should be, “Thank you to my boyfriend for putting up with me for the last nine years while I was writing this picture.” Just thank the people you need to thank. Don’t tell us who you would like to thank or want to thank. Thank them, you idiots.

With that said, and with Thanksgiving upon us, here’s my list of thankees: Thank you, Mom, for uncrossing your legs and dropping me out of your uterus at WalMart. If you had just kept those legs together I could have been two weeks younger. You know I always want to be younger.

Thank you to my older twin sisters.

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It wasn’t so great getting beat up by you as a child, but since you’ve reached thirty, I absolutely love being the youngest. And the prettiest.

Thank you, God, for giving me the secret to looking good: lots of alcohol and dim lighting.

And thank you to all the bartenders who know how I like my martinis: full of alcohol.

Thank you to my partner, who makes me look smarter. I never met anyone else whose dentist told him his wisdom tooth has the lowest IQ on record.

Thank you for the wisdom to have left New Jersey for sunny Florida. I left New Jersey because of illness and fatigue. I was sick and tired of it.

Thank you for making cigarettes nine dollars a pack so I could quit. The high cost was cutting into my drinking budget.

Thanks, Dad, for the lovely pair of garbage cans for my tenth birthday. I really wanted that red ten-speed bike, but how often do I still ride a bike? And I still

take those garbage cans out twice a week.

Thank you for my ability to appreciate the things in life that aren’t expensive, like seeing someone fall up the stairs, slamming a dodgeball into someone’s head, and watching my friends fail.

Thank you to the Universe for giving me the opportunity to meet my partner when a house fell on his sister.

Thanks to the nuns at school for a couple of things: first, for slamming my knuckles with the ruler all those times. The arthritis is a real treat now. And second, for teaching me “cursive.” I thought I was going to learn new curse words. All I got was lousy penmanship.

Thanks for not making porn “Smella-Vision.” I’m not a fan of the smell of poppers and feces.

And who do I thank for Taylor Lautner? He is soooooo yummy!

Thanks, again, to my Dad, for making me become an altar boy and exposing me to those priests. Or was it the other way around?

And finally, though these may not be the best years of my life, thanks for at least making them the last years of my life.

Thank you, all. _ Robert Hofmann is the author of three books, Surrounded by Insanity, An Ordinary Madness, and his latest, One Brain Cell Away from Retarded. He lives in Wilton Manors, Florida, with his partner of 16 years and welcomes email from readers at robshof@aol.com.

November 2012 www.IONAZ.com 49

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Photos by Jerry O’Conner Concept & Art by Kevin Bushaw Production Assistants Chance Gullon & Brandon Whitney

Geovanni Valentino Work done by Brian Michaels. Geovanni is a hip hop dancer and the founder of GoGo Fusion.

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Dusty Brinsmade Back pieces done by Leslie at Eternal Tattoo in Troy, MI. Arm piece by Apryl Triana at 27 Tattoo, Phoenix. Dusty is a server at Switch.

November 2012 www.IONAZ.com 55

Come see what we’re all about with one month of fRee SWImmInG! Visit us online for swim locations, swim times and to find out more about the Sunfish.

www.phxsunfish.org Support the Sunfish at Pride, April 21-22, by visiting our Beverage Booth!

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Dustin Marshall Work done by Jason Louiselle at Louiselle Private Tattoo Studio.

Dustin is Director of Operations at Community Medical Clinic.

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Topher Bray Work done by Nicole McCord at Urban Art Tempe.

Topher works at Postino & Bar Smith

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Jesus Lim贸n Work done by Nate Powers at Iconic Tattoo Studio.

Jesus is a bartender at FEZ.

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Ray Markley Work done by Siris at Ink Therapy Tattoo

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Tommy Boston Dancer at OZ, icepics, Dick’s Cabaret, & Club 24.

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Trankie Romero Work done by Katelyn Eileen at Black Lantern Tattoo.

Trankie is the owner of Downtown Salon Phoenix.

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Work done at Precision Tattoo. Jashua is a Carnaval Latino Gogo Dancer, and campaigns against drinking and driving.

JashuaEstrada.net

Jashua Estrada

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Vol. 6, Issue 6

NOVEMBER 2012

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

“Hurricane Sandy Nothing Compared OUTRAGEOUS! to ‘39 Cyclone” Remembers Old Lady LIBERAL, Kans.— Dorothy Gale, 89-yearold resident of the Yellow Brick Road Rest Home in a windswept corner of southwest Kansas says the recent damage and disaster of the East Coast’s Hurricane Sandy pales in comparison to the legendary tornado ANY RESEMBLANCE she survived as a teen in 1939.

the farm. We lost our barn, our buggy—everything. I lived through a Category 5 tornado on the Fujita scale that lasted for 103 minutes,” she remembered about the experience.

“Some of it wasn’t very nice at all; but most of it was beautiful. Still, all I kept saying was, ‘I wanna go home.’”

OUTRAGEOUS! TO THE TRUTH IS

Gale said. “I seen the flooded subways and busted boardwalks in Technicolor on the TV in the Day Room. My aunt and uncle never even had electricity on

Well, she’s in a home for seniors now and spends TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL her time embroidering tea towels and potholders with rainbows and Cairn Terriers on them for the yearly bazaar at the Methodist church.

“A hot air balloon ride is on my Bucket List for 2013,” Gale noted.

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL May 2012 www.IONAZ.com 71

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OUTRAGEOUS! “Turkey Coma” Leaves Man Catatonic OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS! ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

SHAFTSBURY, Vt.—A traditional Thanksgiving binge for Stewart Bengston, 52, ended in an endless nap after a dinner of yams, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, dinner rolls and turkey. Lots and lots of turkey.

natural sedative found in turkey,” explained Ralph Parkinson, nutritionist and dietician at Butterball Turkey headquarters in Garner, North Carolina. “We pump our birds full of growth hormones and steroids but we never expected anything like this.”

Bengston enjoyed seconds, thirds and

The fabled “Turkey Coma” isn’t uncommon

mother Sarah Jane Bengston’s home.

Later, he settled into the avocado green naugahyde La-Z-Boy in the living room to watch a little football when he fell into a deep slumber. He remains there still, with a slice of pumpkin pie on a TV tray next to him.

catatonia his never before been reported.

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TOTO THE TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL afterIS holiday feasts, but a permanent state of fourth helpings of the bird served atTHE his TRUTH ANY RESEMBLANCE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL “It’s because the secret is using Reynold’s Oven Bag for an extra juicy bird. That’s my theory,” said Mrs. Bengston. “I don’t reckon he’ll wake up until sometime after New Year’s. And that’s my chair. Damn fool.”

OUTRAGEOUS! “Bengston ingested huge quantities of tryptophan, the amino acid which acts as a

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PRIDE NIGHT PARTIES

SHERATON HOTEL DOWNTOWN PHOENIX

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Genius. Wack-job.

Performance Artist.

Schizophrenic.

Brilliant. Insane.

Certainly unpredictable.

Chris Crocker

by Deon Brown photos by Charles Quiles

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W hat do you get when you give a lonely kid living in his grandparents’

basement in a conservative, small town in Tennessee (“We don’t have bathhouses. We have outhouses.”) a video camera and he discovers YouTube? Throw in some hair extensions, makeup, a mild obsession with a pop star and a few million loyal followers and you’ve got the shocking and amazing weblebrity Chris Crocker who’s weepy wail, “Leave Britney alone!” made him a household name in September, 2007.

That famous—and slightly bizarre— video has been viewed over 35 million times.

All of Crocker’s videos have accumulated over 270 million viewings.

Beyond YouTube, Chris branched out into music. His song, “I Want Your Bite” reached #12 on iTunes Dance Chart in November 2011.

Not content with 15 Minutes of Fame, Chris remains part of the pop cultural fabric. No longer the shocking, genderbending teen, at 25-years-old he’s grown into a handsome, opinionated, well-built young man who maintains a voluminous, racy, and very, very personal Tumblr blog. In fact, Chris shows the Full Monty (well, and a lot more) with his adult film debut in a scene on MaverickMen.com last month.

And guess what? He’s a top. (Well, and bottom, too.)

Chris chatted with ION Arizona.

Chris emerges a little bit timid, very open, honest, thoughtful, friendly and genuinely sweet. The kind of a guy you’d like to know. Really well.

Forget Britney. We can’t leave Chris Crocker alone.

ION: You’re one of the most viewed personalities on YouTube. How does that feel?

CC: The truth is—and this is not a cop out—I really do it for my own gratification. I grew up in a really small town where I never felt like I had an outlet. For me it was a very therapeutic way to feel ‘listened to’ without that being my goal, really.

ION: You’re such a part of early 21st century Pop Culture. Isn’t that exciting?

CC: It is exciting! It comes with a lot of other people’s voices and opinions.

The thing is—when you’re creating something for yourself or to get something off your chest or help you feel better, or whatever it’s for—when I started doing videos it was really to clear out my own voice in my own head and feel understood within myself.

Then you have all these other people’s opinions and chatter that’s really hard to block out, sometimes. It can kind of help you to know your target audience when you see their reactions. It can really work with you or against you.

November 2012 www.IONAZ.com 85

ION: You describe yourself as an Internet Preacher. What do you preach about?

CC: It’s funny, because that’s when I feel kinda like I’m really fulfilling my life’s purpose. I know it sounds really cheesy, but it’s true. Whenever I have a fire under my ass and I go off on these rants and these tangents, it’s very therapeutic and feels like I’m doing something right. Growing up around a bunch of people who are completely opposite from me contributes to that, too.

I have a lot of Gay friends who grew up in really liberal areas and they forget that there’s so much work that needs to be done in smaller parts of the country. They say, ‘What are you talking about? You’re always preaching about acceptance.” Well, honey, you live in West Hollywood.

You’re forgetting there’s all these other kids in the South and middle America.

It’s great to remind people we are still repressed and there’s a lot more work that needs to be done in all areas of the United States and the world.

ION: You were bullied, yet you’ve emerged as a young man very comfortable in your own skin. How do you endure criticism?

CC: I always look at my own intentions.

by Deon Brown

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When people get critical about me I just consider the source. I ask myself, ‘Do I really value that person’s opinion?’ A lot of time we just focus on words—not necessarily the source. It’s usually anonymous people so I don’t care what they think. The people closest to me know that I’m a good person and know who I am. It rounds everything out.

ION: What scares Chris Crocker?

CC: Typical things. I don’t let many people into my life; I’m very suspicious of people.

I only have two or three real friends.

One of my biggest fears is dying alone. I hate that anything I do my family has to take the heat for. Matters of the heart. I don’t want my family to deal with things that I choose to do. Nothing scares me other than that.

ION: You said, “The only Gay Pride where I live is in my bedroom.” The world has really opened up for you.

CC: It’s great that I’ve got to do things, but it’s sad to me that my hometown hasn’t really progressed that much.

Sure, I can move and do my thing and be around great people, but kids in my hometown have to resort to hiding who they are until they’re 25 or 30 because of denial.

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This town needs some shaking up. I tried to start a Gay/Straight Alliance when I was in the 8th Grade and people said that if we did the Ku Klux Klan would start stuff and the news reporters would rally.

The rest of the world is in the 2000s and the South is still in the early 90s. Any time I travel and I come back here I feel like I’m going back in time.

ION: What would you like people to know about Chris Crocker that might surprise them?

CC: I’m such an open book and share so much of myself online, even up-to-date stuff (I’m going through a break-up). My audience knows more about me than I can even remember. I have a very up-to-date relationship with them, I guess. I spend a lot of my time with my family or my friends when I’m not making my videos or making music. I’m just a very low-key person. I think a lot of people feel misled because they’re expecting some sort of character or loud person. A lot of people think I’m this really funny, bubbly personality, but that’s really only when the camera’s on. In my everyday life I’m really flatline and mellow.

Totally. People are very taken aback when they meet me. The videos really are my outlet, to take all that frustration to be that intense or whatever it is. In everyday life I’m really—I hate to use the word ‘boring’—but I’m very mellow, serious.

ION: Do you collect anything?

CC: I collect everything I loved as a kid.

I recently got a Pretty Woman tattoo on my arm because that’s one of my favorite movies. In my room I have my Cat Woman and Batman Returns posters, my Barbie’s I had as a kid. I’m always trying to recollect things that I had as a kid. When I have my own house I want to have a room with all of my idols that I had growing up.

ION: Do you still live with your grandparents?

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CC: Here’s the thing, I’ve been traveling so much that I haven’t even been in one place for a really long time, but all of my stuff is here. I’ve been living in hotels non-stop. I’m moving to L.A. in a month.

I’m moving in with one of my best friends, Danny Noriega from American Idol. We’re the Gay Lucy and Ethel!

ION: So, how was your first foray into the world of pornography?

CC: It was something I’ve wanted to explore. I’m a natural exhibitionist. It wasn’t that different from anything I do; I was just sharing the bedroom side of my life. I had a partner for two years. My boyfriend and I broke up five days before the porn came out.

I’m supposed to be filming scenes for ChrisCrockerXXX.com but I’m getting my head back together. A break-up takes a lot out of you; I’m trying to get my head in the right place. We’ll see.

I don’t know. It’s hard to go through a break-up and have that to film.

ION: What about the bareback issue?

CC: I can see why people are upset.

I’m not going to give some ignorant answer. I understand the risk. I did this with a partner. I’ve been friends with the Maverick Men for three years.

The decisions I make for myself I don’t advocate for others. Any decision I make is for myself only. It’s hard when you’re well-known and make decisions and then other people think it’s okay to do that. What I do is for myself only.

When you’re in any kind of spotlight people want you to be an example. The only person I represent is myself. That’s the bottom line. People can like me, certain people can look up to me, but my message has always been to be true

to yourself. I’m not going to be stay true to who everyone thinks I should be.

ION: How do you visualize Chris Crocker at 50?

CC: Lord! I never say never, but I don’t think I’ll be doing YouTube videos at 50—if there even will be a YouTube then. I don’t like knowing what I’m gonna do. I think that would make things boring. Wherever my inspiration, heart or gut leads me.

ION: If you were a superhero, what would your superpower be?

CC: I already know! My power would be to force the truth out of everybody.

My biggest pet-peeve is giving people second chances, third chances, fourth chances and never knowing if they’re telling the truth. I would be able to look someone in the eye and force the truth out of them. That’s something I struggle with. Who would I be? I don’t know ... the Crockerizer?

ION: How many times do people ask you to say those famous three words?

CC: It’s far less than you would think. It was just such a ‘moment’ for me. Most people who meet me were fans of my videos before that video—I did videos for two years before. My first video had eight million hits, like “Hair Flip” and “Bitch, Please.” They ask me to say that more. “Hair Flip” is their favorite.

You’ll flip your wig for Chris Crocker when you see his debut on MaverickMen.com or check out his blog at TheChrisCrocker.tumblr.com/

November 2012 www.IONAZ.com 89

by Sean Kapera SeanKaperaPhotography.com

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HUMP!

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SOCHU HOUSE

November 2012 www.IONAZ.com 93

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by Addison DeWitt

I

t’s been such a whirlwind month! Hurricane Madonna blew in and everyone battened down the hatches to watch the old gal shimmy and shake. I must admit: nobody does Madonna quite like Madonna.

Even I could tell that by watching her on the smallest Jumbotron ever from Row VVV, seat 5113.

(See teeny tiny picture).

And who could forget Madonna in Bloodhounds of Broadway? Well, okay. Maybe you did. A lot of people did. But seeing this little pup (see picture) at BS West on Halloween shows why it’s so important to adopt-a-pet and make a friend. He comes with papers and is trained. Woof!

My devoted public begs for more, more, more!

Besides Madonna.

You asked for it ... and you got it! I’m proud to carry on the venerable, time honored ION Arizona Halloween tradition established just last year in this prize-winning column. All year long I’ve

been wondering and hoping, “I hope that g-g-g-gorgeous Joel Michael Anderson gets just as naked as he got last year!” Faithful readers, I’m proud to say that he did not disappoint! You could say Joel’s just “tutu” divine! (see picture). Love that Joel! He’s the ”top”—and that’s the “bottom” line! (It doesn’t get much better than this, folks!) I can’t wait ‘til next year! Much better than Madonna’s Sex book. Much.

Now for the Party Penguin of the Month! It’s been a long time coming. I can’t believe it hasn’t happened yet. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime event. Kinda like Halley’s Comet, or Madonna being able to really act in a movie. Rare.

Really rare. He’s brilliant and whenever I see him it feels like a once-in-a-lifetime experience! Finally, drum(stick) roll, please ... it’s none other than the fabulous Tom Risner!

Not only charming, funny, and good looking, Tom is living proof that you need to dance, because there will always be dirty dishes to wash later. So c’mon, Vogue, Tom! You could give Madonna some stiff competition. Groove to the music! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Don’t forget, Lady Gaga’s coming soon!

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TUCSON PRIDE

ARMORY PARK, TUCSON

November 2012 www.IONAZ.com 97

T

hanksgiving. The gateway to the Holidays! As you gather with family and friends for the turkey dinner you’ll discover that you need three things: a wishbone, funnybone and a backbone. Amen!

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

Thanks a million! Speaking of “million,” expect an profit from a small investment you made earlier this year. It’s not a million dollars s don’t get greedy. But it’ll pay for a night out with someone who’s a little bit trampy.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

“Pass me a plateful, I’ll be grateful!” You’ll learn the value of saying, “Please” this season. It looks like someone will have you begging for seconds. And thirds. And fourths. Go ahead. Piggy, piggy!

Gemini May 21 - June 21

You’ll experience a bumper crop this month.

The bounty you receive is thanks to lots and lots of fertilizer you used. That’s also called, “bullshit” by many who know you. Still, you’ll have more metaphoric lima beans and yams than you know what to do with.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

You’ll find yourself skipping the main course just to get to dessert. It just might give you a bellyache. Don’t forget you’ll need to spend some time with the “meat and potatoes” to really appreciate everything on the table.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

You have an enormous all-u-can-eat buffet ahead this month. Waldorf Salad.

Green Bean Casserole. Cranberry sauce.

Everything. Just remember not to overdo it. This applies to everything. Take all you want—but eat all you take.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

How do you set a table? Fork on the left, knife in the back, dish, dish, dish, dish.

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fabulous Thanksgiving dinner. It’s hard not too—especially when an ex is involved. You thought it would be better than family?

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

You’ll have plenty of leftovers this month.

Some “keep” better than others. Some spoil. Be careful what you nibble on for a midnight snack. You just might end up with indigestion. Throw it out. Now.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

You’ll discover an entire smorgasbord of delights just for you. Pick your favorites. Be sure to sample a little bit of everything— you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.

If it’s your birthday, say, “Yes” to every invitation.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

You have a secret recipe that has everybody begging for. In a moment of weakness you just might tell someone who’s sneaky. Stay strong! You’ll never forgive yourself if you tell. On your birthday someone sexy asks if they can lick the icing off your cake. Why not?

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

So you’re no Martha Stewart. Big deal.

Order the traditional feast from Safeway, set the table and tell everybody you made it from scratch. Your flair for entertainment and making others feel welcome is better than your horrible cooking.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

Providence has been generous to you throughout the year. Now it’s time to pay it forward and do a good deed. Whether it’s in public or in private is your business.

Guaranteed that someone will notice your—let’s say—”generosity.”

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

This Thanksgiving will present one of those awkward moments at the table. It could be about your parents, you, the dog, a sex toy, or all of the above. Not together, of course.

That’s when it’s time to say, “Who wants some more pumpkin pie?” Then leave.