Greek Life documents clarify NMO practices
In a special interview with the Pessimist editorial staff, Greek Life released all of its documents from this year’s sorority and fraternity New Member Orientation.
Robin McPherson, senior coordinator for Greek Life explained that they wanted to share the documents publicly to help assure people that there is no hazing in Greek Life.
“We often hear concerns from parents and faculty that the clubs are hazing their potential new members,” she said. “We feel as a staff that this is a distraction from the
amazing things happening in clubs. We want to be open about what these clubs are doing so we have decided to share our notes publicly.”
What follows are the notes that have been shared with our staff: Pledges must bring: redactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredacted play clothes. Deodorant with antiperspirant mechanisms and several warmed up bean cookies. redactedredactedredacted Don’t hit anyone. redactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredacted. Censored,
censored. redactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredacted
Willie the Wildcat then began drinking a giant jug of milk. redactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredacte with a pink bow and pail. Pledges then played a lovely game of poker in Wessel Hall. redactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredacted. Each potential new member is required to attend Chapel
and sit with their club for the two weeks. Once those two weeks are over, pledging will continue redacted for another redacted weeks until members are eventually initiated in redacted
The only warning given to GATA this year was for their singling out of a flame who did not chant loud enough at the fountain. redactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedre fry like bacon then actedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredact-
edredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedre sour patch kids.” liuygfvbnjkloiuygfvbnjkiuyghfvbnjkiuyghvbnjkiuyghfvbnjkliuyghfvbnjkiuytgfcvbnjkiuy bring goggles, gfvbnmthjkiugfvcbn jkiuyghvbnmk jiuygfcvbnmkji nmjkuygfcv jkmlijh bnkuhgyhvbjuygv bnhjugyhvbnhjuygvbhjgvb njhgvb njhgbjbnjkuyghvcbnjk uiyghfvb njhg vbcnjhuyghfvcbnjkhugvcb njkuhygfvbnmjkuhgvb nmj kuhgvbnmkjliuhgvbnjkuyghvbnjkiuygfcv “This
University senior leadership confirmed today that Willie the Wildcat has been drafted and will be deployed overseas for multiple years of service. According to officials, he already “feels the need, the need for speed.”
The announcement came in a brief statement from Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university, who described Willie as “honored to serve” and “ready to represent the Wildcat spirit while flying high in an F-16.”
“Willie has always answered the call, whether that’s hyping up a crowd or, now, answering a much bigger one,” the post on @finding_phil said.
While details surrounding Willie’s deployment remain limited, the president’s office confirmed he has already begun preliminary training, with sources placing him near Dyess Air Force Base earlier this week.
Sean Rose, an aerospace
maintenance craftsman at Dyess Air Force Base, said he spotted a familiar feline figure during a recent exercise.
“I didn’t want to say anything at first,” Rose said. “But when you see a wildcat sprinting drills and someone explaining a maneuver by saying, ‘because I was inverted,’ you start to put two and two together.”
With Willie gone, Athletics now faces an urgent question: Who will take his place on the sidelines?
A campus-wide search is already underway. Students, faculty and alumni have submitted suggestions for a temporary mascot to carry the torch.
Early candidates have ranged from the exotic to the domesticated.
“We’ve heard everything from ‘Leonard the Lizard’ to ‘Beary the Bear,’” said Evan Nemec, assistant athletic director for media relations. “There was even a brief push for ‘Tony the Tarantula,’ but that one scared off the committee.”
Nemec said one candidate, “Gary the Goat,” quickly emerged as a frontrunner — until Athletics pulled the plug, citing a sudden realization that they did not, in fact, have the budget to provide 24/7 security for a goat.
However, a new candidate has quickly gained traction: William the House Cat.
He’s been described by his supporters as “relatable,”
The Faternity of Galaxy revealed Wednesday that they have entered into an official, eight-year sponsorship agreement with OpenAI, the powerhouse company behind ChatGPT and other generative AI tools.
OpenAI’s sponsorship coordinator, Adam Standler, reached out to the club after records revealed that Galaxy was in the top 10% of users, averaging 2,000 prompts per day, based on acu.edu emails
associated with Galaxy. Standler said the sheer number of interactions logged from the faternity prompted him to contact and propose a partnership.
“I was surprised, honestly,” Standler said. “Even the most straightforward assignments are being asked to be ‘explained as if I were a twoyear-old.’ But hey, business is business.”
With 67% of assignments already artificially generated, this new sponsorship will lead the club into an era of maximizing profits while
maintaining academic honesty and success. Reports say the most recent Nova class was selected using AI, ensuring Galaxy the best odds of having successful alumni.
“We’re getting our money up,” said Moonie Aidan Kluth. “Instead of our funny up.”
Under the terms of the deal, every active member will receive unlimited access to premium ChatGPT, free OpenAI x Moonie merchandise and an AI-run archive of past historical academic records.
The club plans to capitalize
“low-maintenance” and “already familiar with indoor environments.” William represents a stark departure from the traditional wildcat persona.
“It’s time we brought things down to earth,” James Bradshaw, senior theatre major from Sachse, said. “Not every hero has to be wild. Some of them nap 16 hours a day and knock things off desks.”
Others have proposed more
on the agreement by using OpenAI to create plays for intramural flag football, Sing Song lyrics and New Member Orientation “activities.”
“Some people and other faternities are mad,” Kayde Jaffet said. “But they just wish they had thought of this first.”
Faculty responded quickly, with COBA professors already adjusting their syllabi to accommodate the surplus of missing assignments being turned in.
OpenAI issued a short statement: “We are excited to
alliterative alternatives, including Cameron the Campus Chiwawa, Benny the Basement Bobcat and Silvester the Slithering Snake, though some students argue that none fully capture Willie’s legacy.
Still, Athletics says they are keeping an open mind.
“This is a time of transition,”
Zack Lassiter said. “We’re looking for someone or something that can unite the student body, bring the same level of spirit and, ideally, not claw anyone during public appearances.”
Meanwhile, many are simply wishing Willie well.
“It’s weird not seeing him around,” Kierlyn Lang, pom squad member and senior health sciences major from Castle Pines, Colorado, said.
“But we’re proud of him. He’s out there doing something bigger than game day.”
Until Willie returns, the university has a message for its beloved wildcat: Stay safe, fly fast and watch out for great balls of fire.
empower the next generation of innovative thinkers at institutions like ACU. Galaxy’s commitment to cutting-edge tools aligns perfectly with our mission.”
The sponsorship kicks off officially on Monday. Galaxy President Braden Sparks said the sponsorship is perfect timing, with just a couple of months until finals season.
“Imagine submitting a 2,000-word Bible paper in the time it takes to make a protein shake,” Sparks said. “That’s efficiency. That’s progress. That’s Galaxy.”
IMAGE COURTESY OF redacte
Spiritual Life releases Chapel contract for speakers
The Office of Spiritual Life re-
leased its official mandatory Guest Speaker Covenant on Friday. The multi-page contract aims to prohibit speakers from inciting too much thought in listeners.
“We’ve always believed that Chapel should be a safe space for uplifting messages,” Spiritual Life said. “This agreement simply ensures speakers stay on-brand, uplifting and free of any surprises.”
Rumors have lingered that guests have been required to sign the Guest Speaker Covenant since August; however, word of the agreement has only been confirmed this week. Speakers must sign to avoid profanity, obscene jokes, promotion of alcohol or drugs, affirming messages of anyone that is unlike the perfect Christian image or anything that might intentionally or accidentally spark theological debate.
Additionally, a list of banned words and phrases was also provided as follows:
• Lowkirkenuinely
• God loves everyone
• Fruzz
• Six seven
After YikYak and Fizz were flooded with backlash, alternatives to the list of banned words and phrases were provided by Spiritual Life on their Instagram story.
“God loves everyone who went to a Church of Christ-affiliated university,” “Be who God wants you to be,” and “six eight” were provided as substitutes for three of the banned content.
Article Six, Section 70 of the contract limits the number of Bible verse references to be made during speeches and sermons, capping the mentions at two per speech. The following section mandates colorful and vape-like smoke to be released behind the stage with any music. Spiritual Life reported that the article’s intent is to maximize enjoyment.
“People get bored when it’s just about the Bible,” Spiritual Life said. “We need students to be entertained.”
After a speaker was famously scolded by university President Phil Schubert for mentioning honey butter chicken biscuits during a Monday Moody Chapel, Article Six Section Seven only permits the mention of Chicken Minis, ensuring only promotion of ACU’s campus partner Chick-Fil-A.
“I guess it’s nice knowing the Holy Spirit has an editor,” said
junior finance major Hugh Mann.
Other students supported with more enthusiasm, praising the comfort- and unchallenging-centered approach to Chapel.
“TYJ! No one can challenge my preconceptions and make me uncomfortable twice a week now,” wrote an anonymous Yak user.
As outlined in the contract, the Spiritual Life reserves the
right to terminate any speech mid-sentence, given any violation of the contract and remove speakers from the stage. Depending on the level or severity of the violation, an emergency floor trap was installed on the stage. In specific circumstances, the contract permits Spiritual Life to open the floor out from under speakers, launching violators into a basement under Moody, dug out specifically for contract-violators.
The floor trapdoor guarantees violators get the least amount of stage presence possible. Less-severe offenders will be escorted off stage immediately to a designated prayer room for thought and reflection, followed by a formal statement of apology.
Schubert mentioned the contract in his most recent hype-up ACU email, stating that the policy ensures order.
“This agreement makes sure that Chapel remains a place of worship, not controversy,” the president wrote.
Students vote in favor to change name of university
The student body officialy voted in favor of a referendum to change the university’s name last Wednesday.
Almost Christian University, as the school will be known this upcoming school year, was the name that was voted for by 67% of students.
John Douglas, junior marketing major, said he was all for the change as soon as he heard about it.
“I thought it was a great idea,” Douglas said. “It’s good to see that ACU is keeping up with the times.”
Similar name changes are also occurring at other Christian universities around the country.
The story of ACU chang ing its name originated in a routine Faculty Senate meeting this past February. After an unfortunate typo on the notes for the meeting was leaked to students, a buzz quickly spread about the new name.
Within a few days of the leak, a petition to change the name of the university began to float around campus. Over the course of that next week, more and more students began to support the change.
The petition, which was signed by 1,906 students, was delivered to the Office of the President where the decision to hold a university-wide referendum was made.
Dr. Phil Schubert, the
University Harding University – Hardly (Christian) University
The university will shut down its water supply everywhere on campus except the freshman dorms, effective immediately. But fear not, a massive installation of 200 porta-potties all around campus is set to arrive.
Amid the chaos, the university has decided to allow all freshman dorms to keep their water supply. This will not affect the water temperature, however, which is always cold, but it has started a new business idea.
There’s a group of freshmen who are uniting others across all of their dorms to charge sophomores and upperclassmen at the door
YikYak will launch its newest feature this week: YikYak Match, an anonymous matchmaking tool that pairs users based on proximity, mutual vibes and, allegedly, “shared chaos energy.” Within hours of its release, students across campus reported a noticeable spike in both excitement and immediate regret.
“I thought it was a joke at first,” said sophomore communications major Chris P. Bacon, who matched with “Yak_4Life23.” “But then we started talking, and I was like… wait, this person understands my beef with Galaxy, and that’s when I knew it was serious. Or at least semi-serious. Like group-project serious.”
The feature, which is
president of the university, released a written statement shortly after the referendum was held.
“With the widespread support from the studentbody, myself and members of the Faculty Senate felt obligated to take an official vote on the matter,” Schubert said. “We were honestly shocked by the turnout that we saw.”
Even outside of campus, this change had a lot of support. On Facebook, the ACU Open Forum immediately got behind idea to change the identity of the university, with users calling alumni and donors to second the change.
On top of this, in reference to several events on campus, Dr. Brad Harrub, writing from Tennessee, published a short essay entitled “Abilene Christian University: When “Christian” No Longer Means Christlike.” Schubert, in his statement, said the forum and other non-ACU voices heavily influenced the university’s course of action.
Kaylee Khan, director of
in exchange for a quick trip to the bathroom. This has raised ethical concerns with the COBA administration,
entirely anonymous until users agree to reveal their identities, has already led to what experts are calling “the most confusing talking stages in history,” narrowly beating out Wildcat Week situationships.
“I’ve been flirting with someone for three days,” said junior biology major Anita Job. “We bonded over long walks on the Luns and skipping Chapel. But I have this horrible feeling it might be my ex.”
YikYak developers claim the feature is designed to “bring people together in an authentic, low-pressure environment.” However, early reports suggest it’s mostly bringing people into situations they will later unpack in therapy.
Campus officials have declined to comment, but one anonymous resident assistant
who were very impressed with the new idea.
Dr. Jim Litton, director of the Griggs Center for En-
Creative Services for Athletics, said this decision will have effects greater than just calling the university something different.
“With this change, similar to the change from Abilene Christian College, the actual images of the university
trepreneurship and Philanthropy, explained from his home office in Dallas that while it’s not ethical to take this catastrophe and make money out of it, he’s proud of his students.
“I was shocked at how brilliant the idea was,” Litton said. “Maybe charging for the porta-potties could be next?”
This will be the first time that the university has taken the matter of AI usage into its own hands. Following the warning of not using AI for Suitable prompts, shutting down the water supply was next in their efforts to conserve water.
Bellande Bertrand, director of Residence Life, approves this new decision.
admitted the rollout has complicated their job.
“We had a noise complaint last night that turned out to be two people arguing because they accidentally matched with each other’s boyfriends,” they said. “At that point, I was tired of
being a mediator and told them to just work it out.”
Despite the confusion, many students remain optimistic, or at least entertained enough to keep checking the app every five minutes.
“It’s kind of like a social experiment,” said freshman
will have to change,” Khan said. “Logos will need to be altered, new uniforms will have to be designed, and new trademarks will have to be filed. At least the ACU abbreviation is the same this time.”
After raising the funding necessary for the porta-potties, he approved the water shutdown.
“As hard as this will be for the sophomores and upperclassmen, I don’t think we made a mistake with our decision,” said Bertrand.
“Anything to protect our AI usage.”
The students who aren’t willing to crack under pressure are sticking with the new porta-potties. While they are highly efficient for the students, they are on a BYOTP basis– bring your own toilet paper.
Kevin Campbell, senior vice president of operations, was asked about the transition from bathrooms to porta-potties. He confirmed that it’s less work
undeclared major Pat Myback. “Like, are you falling for someone’s personality, or just their Karma on YikYak? Because if it’s Karma, I need to step up my game.”
Others, however, are approaching the feature with caution.
“I matched with someone who said they hated my club’s Sing Song act from last year,” said senior accounting major Ella Funt. “I unmatched immediately. I have standards. Some things are just non-negotiable.”
As of now, YikYak Match shows no signs of slowing down. Students have reportedly begun spending significantly more time refreshing their feeds, decoding anonymous posts and trying to figure out if “tall, mysterious, avoids eye contact in the Bean” is a compliment or a direct callout.
On top of this, with this identity change now officially in motion, work has already begun to change signage around campus. Students and faculty are now wondering what other changes could be coming to the university.
for him and his team, but at what cost?
“Oh, absolutely not, the porta-potties are not clean at all. Frankly, I would be worried about the diseases that will arise from this issue,” Campbell said. “I would be willing to pay big bucks to use the freshmen bathrooms.”
The brightest students from COBA will continue to work hard to solve this problem by consulting AI in order to get to the bottom of why the water is quickly depleting.
If you have any questions on how AI is using up water or want to know about ways to conserve it, please refer to ChatGPT. It’ll have a better and more creative answer, as usual.
Several users have even taken to posting live updates about their matches.
“I saw someone post, ‘my YikYak match just said they love Jesus and iced coffee, should I marry them?’ and then five minutes later, ‘never mind, they double texted,’” Myback said. “I didn’t know double-texting was even a bad thing.” With formal season approaching, many students are now turning to YikYak Match instead of traditional methods like introductions, mutual friends or basic eye contact. Bacon reported he was still talking to “Yak_4Life23,” though neither have agreed to reveal their identity.
“I think we’re both scared,” Bacon said. “This way, she’ll never find out I’m not really a 6’5, blue-eyed guy, muscular, finace bro.”
Photo Courtey of ACU Operations
Students navigate porta-potty mindfield after chapel.
PHOTO COURTESY OF MARKETING AND STRATEGIC COMMUNICATIONS Construction completed on Teague Boulevard.
PHOTO COURTESY OF SPIRITUAL LIFE
Staff convincing speakers to sign contract for Moody Chapel.
PHOTO COURTESY OF WILLIE THE WILDCAT Willie and Bomber getting engages at Jacob’s Dream.
Feral cats suspected in campus 'pi*sing' incidents
What began as a string of late-night “leak” incidents in Wessel Hall has taken a turn, as new evidence suggests the culprits may not be students at all. They may be cats.
After weeks of speculation surrounding the now-infamous trash can incidents and the rise of the @ACU_Pisser Instagram account, sources close to the investigation say a group of feral campus cats has emerged as the leading suspect.
“This case has really evolved,” said Brandon Reynolds, resident director of Wessel Hall. “At first, we thought it was a student making poor choices. Now, we’re looking at something much more organized. Coordinated even.”
The break in the case came when a student claimed to see “at least four cats” gathered out
side Wessel late at night, huddled around what appeared to be a phone.
“They scattered when I walked up,” Wessel RA Trayton Weeden said. “But I think one of them hissed at me, it kinda sounded like ‘don’t snitch.’”
Further investigation
revealed that the @ACU_ Pisser account, previously believed to be run by a rogue student, has been posting at times that, according to Matt Prescott, director of information security. “It doesn't align with normal human sleep schedules, but do align
with nocturnal animals with Wi-Fi access.”
University officials now believe the cats may have used winter break to organize, forming what one student jokingly called a “cat spy school.”
“They had the time, the opportunity and, frankly,
the cattitude,” said Carson Pope, junior finance major from North Richland Hills. “We underestimated them.”
While the motive remains unclear, some theorize the cats are protesting the campus’s lack of designated litter boxes.
“This could be a cry for help,” said Anna Oliver, Feral Cat Initiative president and senior psychology major from Frisco. “Or a cry for… litter-ation.”
Facilities staff, however, are less amused.
“I don’t care if it’s a student or a cat,” one HES employee said. “Somebody is going outside the box, and we need them to get back in it.”
Reynolds declined to confirm whether ResLife has a protocol for disciplining animals, but said the situation is being taken seriously.
“If this is cats,” Reynolds said, “then we’re dealing with a whole new animal.”
“I always thought the squirrels were the ones plotting something,” Bella Sanchez, Ko Jo Kai keeper of the garter and junior marketing major from Keller, said. “But the cats? That’s crazier than Willie the Wildcat getting drafted into the military.”
Wildcat Wranglers kidnap Texas A&M yell leaders
Members of ACU’s Wildcat Wranglers allegedly “kidnapped” several Texas A&M “Yell Leaders” this week in an effort to improve their own school spirit performance.
Despite their commitment to ACU athletics, attendance at games still continued to fall flat, and internal discussions reportedly acknowledged that they were “not performing at the level they wanted to,” prompting a growing urgency to improve their approach to leading and sustaining crowd engagement.
According to sources familiar with the situation, the Wranglers traveled to College Station after con -
cluding that A&M’s Yell Leaders were, in the words of one participant, “an -
noyingly elite at coordinated yelling.”
“We just wanted to
BY BOOTCHASER
learn,” said one Wrangler, who asked to remain anonymous. “You can only
be so obnoxious until you start getting booed, and the Yell Leaders have truly mastered the art of being obnoxious.”
Witnesses report that the group approached the Yell Leaders under the pretense of asking for “quick tips,” before escalating the interaction into what officials later labeled “a highly assertive mentorship opportunity.”
“They kept saying things like ‘teach us your ways’ and ‘this is for growth,’” said one Yell Leader. “Next thing I know, I’m in Abilene being asked to evaluate chant posture.”
Once on ACU campus, the Yell Leaders were reportedly placed in front of a small crowd and instructed to demonstrate
proper technique, timing and “elite-level spirit intensity.”
As of now, the Wranglers say they are committed to turning things around, with plans to implement their newly learned techniques and raise the standard of yelling campuswide.
As for the kidnapping, university officials have not announced any disciplinary action, though they clarified that future leadership development efforts should involve fewer road trips and significantly less accidental abduction. Meanwhile, sources confirm the Wranglers are already scouting their next improvement strategy, which they insist will be strictly voluntary.
Prowling for patriotism: Bible majors hunt for Christian nationalists
BY HAL HOOTS
A group of students in the College of Biblical Studies have launched a coordinated effort in response to the fears of the rising influence of Christian nationalists. Their goal – to actually find one.
“Christian nationalism” has been the subject of widespread media coverage over the past decade and has been addressed in a dramatically increasing number of academic journal articles and peer-reviewed publications in theological scholarship as the most significant threat to the church in modern times. The only problem, said Caleb Morgan, junior Bible and ministry major from Lubbock, is none of his friends actually know a
BY TEXAN RIDERS
The men’s basketball team got a big 84-78 win in the Western Athletic Conference tournament this past week over rival Tarleton State, which was not the main storyline of this week’s buzz, but instead a post that caused a bit of mixed feelings within West Texas. Following the close win sending ACU into the quarterfinals to face Utah Tech, ACU Athletics posted an unexpected graphic on Instagram, which read: “Tarleton – Our Respected Rival State.” The Wildcat Wranglers, Sub T-16, and other students on campus seemed to love the post, with some students even starting to repost the graphic on their story feeds for more of their peers to see.
“I just love talking up our rival schools instead of tearing them down,” Noah Body said. “For once, our rivalry is fun again. These types of
Christian nationalist.
“I know it’s a big problem in the church because it’s all anybody talks about,” Morgan said. “And whoever they are, they’re ‘on the rise.’ So they have to be around here somewhere.”
Indeed, in 2002, just nine academic journal articles mentioned the term “Christian nationalism.” Two decades later, it was 177. In recent months, Morgan and friends, Hannah Whitaker, sophomore ministry and vocation major from Edmond, Oklahoma, and Josiah Bennett, masters of divinity student from Franklin, Tennessee, have spent much of their time scouring campus and the surrounding community for Christian nationalists.
“I thought I had one – a guy in the nearby neighborhood had hung an
American flag out in front of his house,” Whitaker said. “Turns out it was Veterans Day. I had forgotten about that…”
Still the students are determined to identify those who are the greatest – and perhaps only – true threat to the church, based on the academic literature and conference presentations.
Morgan acknowledges the biggest challenge the group faces is defining just what a “Christian nationalist” actually is.
“But we all agree – we just don’t like it,” he said.
One challenge came two years ago, when Politico correspondent Heidi Przybyla during a national broadcast said what unites Christian nationalists “is that they believe our rights as Americans, as all human beings, don't come
from any earthly authority. They don't come from Congress, they don't come from the Supreme Court. They come from God.”
“That really threw me off,” Whitaker said. “I realized my high school government teacher might be a Christian nationalist.”
“...and Thomas Jefferson,” Bennett added.
Bennett said after several years of reading the academic literature, he’s grown more skilled at identifying Christian nationalists.
“They walk around and trade little pieces of paper with a picture of an unfinished pyramid and God’s eye on top,” he said.
“The paper says ‘God has favored our undertakings’ in Latin on one side and ‘In God We Trust” on the other.’ They’re sneaky!”
“And when they say the
posts prove Christian values still matter in college athletics; something TCU seems not to understand.” The hot Instagram buzz continued to grow popular on campus when stu -
dents started to read the fine print at the bottom of the post.
It read: “Let’s call it what it is. Tarleton is reminding everyone who is almost in charge. TSU had already proven it can
Pledge of Allegiance, they’re a little too enthusiastic about it,” Whitaker said. Bennett also said there’s a political tell to Christian nationalists.
ing everyone that Tarleton sets the standard and ACU is still playing catch-up with the lucky win tonight.”
The description even garnered the national attention of popular Instagram influencer @ev_handd, who said that the small print was a fun “Christian diss track type paragraph with kerning issues.”
Despite the celebration in the Big Country, praising the school’s execution of rivalry content, Tarleton’s athletic media department caught wind of the situation on Instagram.
win on bigger stages, compete with ranked programs, and attract national attention, while ACU is still trying to convince people they belong in Div. 1. The game isn’t just about bragging rights, it’s about remind-
Tarleton then responded, making a post of their own expressing their secondhand embarrassment and apologizing for ACU, saying that their “neighbors in Abilene mistook sportsmanship for self-congratulating.” Furthermore, “Tarleton fans should lay off of ACU for a while because they seem to be confused about the fact
“Christian nationalists end up letting their politics dictate their
he said. “So the worst part is they end up voting for the wrong guy.”
that they won the game.” Tarleton fans did not let off the gas, however, on the TSU Barstool Instagram, posting cutout pictures of Nathan and Avory from the chapel office with the caption, “When your media team wants to talk trash but is more afraid of losing their chapel credits.”
ACU responded to the national attention with a statement issued by Vice President for Athletics Zack Lassiter, saying that ACU will not remove the post because of two reasons: Tarleton never talks badly about ACU, and Tarleton always makes us feel welcome with cheers after we score touchdowns in Stephenville. Word on the street is that ACU is planning on posting a “Thanks for the free food” graphic when the football team plays Texas Tech next season, after they throw tortillas on Keith Patterson and the team while running out onto the field.
BY WESSEL WETTER
The feral cats sneakily take a leak around campus.
faith,”
Wildcat Wranglers take Yell Leaders from Retched College Station.
BY UNCLE SAM
Bible majors look for Christian nationalists in Abilene.
BY OSCAR P
Athletic Director Zack Lassiter posing with his favorite shirt, Tarleton the state.
Sub-T 16, Lambert replaces cheer team after review
After months of anonymous complaints and what athletics officials are calling a “comprehensive spirit audit,” Abilene Christian University has announced that student organization Sub-T 16 will officially replace the cheer team at all home basketball games effective immediately.
“We looked at the data,” said Athletic Director Zach Lassiter, who declined to elaborate on what the data was. “Sub-T simply outperformed.”
The decision comes after multiple noise complaints were filed against the cheer team during this past season, with witnesses describing their performances as “too organized” and “aggressively peppy.” One anonymous faculty member, who attended three games this season, called the experience “deeply unsettling.”
“At one point, I made eye contact with one of them,” the faculty member said. “I haven’t been the same since.”
Sub-T members, for their part, were quick to accept their new role with humility and honor.
“We’ve been doing their job better than them for years,” KJ Long said. “It’s time for formal recognition. Also, we’re way louder.”
When asked if Sub-T had any formal cheerleading training, the member paused.
“We have passion,” Long said finally. “That’s essentially the same thing.”
Point shaving strikes Intramurals,
In a year where numerous cases of illegal sports betting have swept through both professional and collegiate athletics comes the newest victim: ACU intramurals.
While early investigations into the length and frequency of bets are still in progress, one key discovery was made when looking into student finances. Seth Thompson, intramural director of the Faternity of Galaxy, has been accused of helping in the rigging of several basketball games in the winter season.
Thompson, a member of G1, is suspected to have accepted payment from Gamma Sigma Phi officers, including intramural director Luciano Tonelli. Throughout the season, GSP dominated Galaxy, earning wins in the Champ League Championship, pledge ball and
in the mid-season matchup during rivalry night. At this time, no comment has been made available by Thompson or Tonelli. The discovery was made after a source noticed Thompson’s venmo transactions were set to “public.” After the Gammas 58-41 victory on Feb. 5, $156 was sent from a burner account titled “Sibling X.” After the championship on Feb. 24, an additional payment of $156 was made.
“It was weird,” a Nova said. “Before our pledgeball championship game against the siblings, Mr. Thompson came over and told us that a few of the typical starters would be seeing fewer minutes because of a ‘key matchup’ with the siblings. At first, I figured it was a joke because we had gotten that far with the same guys, and I wasn’t allowed to look him in the eyes. Once the game started, I realized he wasn’t kidding.”
The Novas were coming
Athletics unveiled its new football field design on Monday that will be a part of the new stadium and will honor the president of the university. The new design changed the color of the turf to purple with a cut of President Phil Schubert’s face at the 50-yard line and a picture of Willie the Wildcat at the 15-yard line on the South side of the field and a picture of Phil Schubert at the North 15yard line.
“It was supposed to be green with the ACU logo at midfield,” Vice President of Athletics Zack Lassiter said. “I don’t know how it ended up purple with Phil’s face in the middle. It just showed up purple when it was delivered.”
After seeing the purple field, Schubert insisted that athletics keep it claiming there was not enough money to buy a replacement. He personally oversaw the installation of the turf and invited the Wildcat Wranglers and Willie the Wildcat to take part as well.
Once the turf was installed Schubert inspected every inch of the field ensuring each blade of grass was the correct length and fit for the football team to play on.
“I’m a little superstitious, and we’ve only lost one game on the old turf in the last two seasons,” Head Football Coach Keith Patterson said. “But I don’t care what color field we play on, it can be orange, yellow, blue, hot pink, as long as we win the UAC, I don’t care.” After an incident with
In a surprise addition, recently retired State Representative Stan Lambert has announced he will be joining Sub-T for the upcoming season, effective upon his depar-
ture from public office.
“After 20 years in the Texas Legislature, I’ve learned one thing,” Lambert said in a prepared statement. “Nothing moves people like a good
chant. Nothing. Not legislation. A chant.” Lambert, who represented his district for two decades, confirmed he has already begun training for his new role, which he described as “mostly just learning when to yell and when to yell louder.” Sources close to Lambert said he has been attending Sub-T meetings since announcing his retirement and has already suggested several procedural changes to how the group runs its pre-game warmups. The suggestions were tabled indefinitely.
“I’m aware of that,” Lambert said when informed his proposals had been tabled. “I’m going to keep making them anyway.” The cheer team, when reached for comment, had little to say.
“We practiced for months,” said a visibly shaken cheer captain, who asked to remain anonymous. “Months. We had a whole routine. I just don’t get it.”
Sub-T has announced that a celebratory pep rally will be held in their honor, location and time to be determined. Lambert has already RSVP’d.
Thompson and Tonelli remain silent
off a 46-35 loss to the Gob Squad and needed a win to truly be able to hold the “we’re better than you” sign, but fell well short. The Siblings beat them 51-36 while Cole Edgar dominated and showed everyone who the real Nova Master was.
“I think it’s possible they didn’t have their best guys on the floor when they should’ve been,” Edgar said. “It wouldn't have mattered though. They took a soft class this year, and those guys just can’t hoop like we can. Gammas on top.”
Following the Pledge Championship and the Kojies vs Siggies champleague game, which is now being looked into as well, G1 squared off with GSP to finish rivalry night. Thompson found himself out of the starting lineup and instead played limited minutes from the bench. Through the first half, the Gammas held a big lead, but Galaxy wasn’t going to go down without a fight.
the ACU Pisser, Schubert insisted the field be covered with a tarp at all times and instructed ACUPD to have an officer always watching the field.
To better protect the field from the weather, he brought up the idea of a dome stadium in the future, named after the Wildcat Wranglers. After funding issues for the stadium were brought up, he quickly reassured everyone that April Anthony would be able to cover the costs.
“I want this field to be kept in the best condition possible,” Schubert said. “It’s the best-looking field in the entire NCAA. McMurry has their gray and red striped field down the street, but it doesn’t compare to our field that truly showcases Wildcat pride.”
In the second half, the Moonies showed up and attempted to take the lead. However, on numerous oc -
“Sure, they got us in football, but we all know what really matters. We got that sweep, and they wish they could hang with us.”
ELIJAH BRENNING GSP GUARD
casions, the Moonies drew within two possessions of the Gammas. They went on multiple runs, but they each ended the same: a Thompson turnover.
Late in the second half, Thompson had Jack Gordon wide open on the low block. Gordon, who had been completely shut down by Judson Voss, had worked his way open and was calling for the
ball. However, Thompson elected to shoot it despite being blanketed by Kale Sage. He airballed, giving possession to GSP. The Gammas went down the floor, and Zed ‘Zedrick’ Carter knocked down a three in the face of Drew Page, putting a dagger in the hopes and dreams of the Moonies.
“I was wide open,” Gordon said. “Voss had been fouling me all game, and they didn’t call anything, but I finally got open. I don’t know why Seth didn’t pass it, but I kept telling the refs they weren’t calling it fair. ”
The two teams met one last time in the Champ League Championship just under three weeks later.
Much like the first game, Thompson didn’t start for G1 and instead gave significant minutes to bench players.
While the Gammas led for the majority of the game, numerous turnovers and lazy defensive possessions limited any chance
the Moonies had at a comeback. As a result, the Gammas took home the championship 58-47 and completed the pledgeball, rivalry night and Champ league Championship sweep.
“We’ve been focused on us,” GSP guard Elijah Brenning said. “Our one goal is to put the ball in the hoop, and we’ve done that. Sure, they got us in football, but we all know what really matters. We got that sweep, and they wish they could hang with us.”
As the investigation continues, it’s unclear what the future holds for both Thompson and Tonelli. Each is in their third year and could be up for re-election or promotion within the officer teams of their respective fraternities. However, with the fog and rumors surrounding the season and what each will face regarding the point shaving allegations, one thing is for certain. The Moonies never won.
PHOTO COURTESY OF LAMBERT FOR ABILENE
Stan Lambert and the Subbers Cheer on ACU Basketball.
PHOTO COURTESY OF BILL WEASLEY The university releases the new football field design.