Six Guys Cheeseburger Incorporated

1

“Six Guys Cheeseburger Incorporated” Written by Jimmy Stanley INT. CAR - NIGHT A young man and woman pull into a strip mall parking lot as the Summer sun sets. The car meets the camera head on, stopping just short of contact.

JIMMY, a thoughtful yet sarcastic student in his early 20s, turns down the stereo. He speaks to MADISON, an unadulterated beauty with a silky voice of the same age.

JIMMY I really don’t see why eating it here would be such a hassle.

This was my Sunday tradition when I lived here, and I would like to take the opportunity to recreate that.

MADISON Why couldn’t your Sunday tradition be a therapeutic walk in the woods?

I mean, the fact that you need to get Five Guys, AND eat it in the restaurant feels like a rather unceremonious thing to want to Recreate.

JIMMY (half-serious) This blasted country is a carousel of stupid traditions! Christmas, Easter… 9/11! Baptisms, for Christ Sake! I don’t see you going out Of your way to ruin those.

MADISON (rolling her eyes) Fine!

2

Madison slams the car door and Jimmy shoots her an incredulous glare. She smiles and Jimmy smiles back.

INT. FIVE GUYS RESTAURANT - NIGHT The two enter FIVE GUYS, a beloved fast food restaurant.

The walls are covered in quotes from magazine and newspaper reviews, all seemingly praising the food and atmosphere.

CUT TO: Close-up montage: quotes on the wall “Distinct burgers and thick milkshakes” Boston Gazette.

“Hand-cut fries and many toppings” Guy Fieri “Hearty food in a bright room of red and white” Joan Didion “I only counted Four Guys” Tim Burton “Ben Stiller would become Ben Killer for one of these” Owen Cunningham Wilson “You need at least nine guys for a starting line-up” Derek Jeter Madison and Jimmy read the quotes on the wall and grow visibly perplexed.

MADISON In what world is calling a burger “distinct” a compliment? Let alone, worth displaying?

JIMMY What else were they supposed to call

3

it?

MADISON (shrugging) I don’t know… good?? Delicious?

JIMMY I hear you… initially I thought the same thing. But I found my concern vanquished when I read that Guy Fieri finds their toppings nothing short of many.

Madison cranes her neck to read the Guy Fieri quote.

MADISON He seems like he would be the kind of dude who would think more is better.

I think it’s high praise.

Jimmy and Madison have now reached the front of the line.

We see them from the perspective of the FRY COOK, a disinterested, anonymous man in his late 20s. First Madison orders, and we hear her order from the perspective of the Fry Cook through a long series of “blah blah blah”s. Next, Jimmy, who is perceived through a procession of primal, high-pitched shrieks, and one long “duhhhhh”.

FRY COOK Got it. Your order number’s on the receipt.

The two return to roaming the restaurant, utterly transfixed to the quotes.

MADISON (sarcastically) “‘Hearty food in a bright room of white and red,’ Joan Didion.”

Joan Didion said that? What the fuck does that even mean?

4

JIMMY (knowledgeable) Joan Didion is a poet, Madison.

I’m sure if she were here to read it to us, we’d know exactly what she meant by it.

Madison responds with a contrived look. They continue to grow more entrenched in the activity.

JIMMY I find it odd that I’ve been coming here for years and I’ve never noticed this.

MADISON I find it odd that you’ve been coming here for years.

JIMMY The only one that actually even attempts to praise the food is the one where Owen Wilson claims that the desire for Five Guys elicits homicidal rage within Ben Stiller.

MADISON That’s more like… implied praise.

It could just as easily do that because he hates it so much it makes him want to kill people.

CUT TO: Time-lapse: We see twenty five minutes pass through a close up of the wall clock. Meanwhile, Jimmy and Madison walk around the restaurant and look at all the quotes like they’re at an art museum. At the end of the time-lapse, the two finally sit down at a table in the middle of the restaurant. Despite few patrons, the food is taking quite a while.

5

JIMMY Don’t you think it’s odd they feel the need to cover their restaurant in praise in the first place? Obviously, the only people who come in here are people who already know they want to eat it.

MADISON We’ve long since established that these quotes aren’t praise, Jimmy. (a beat) MADISON (cont’d) Maybe it’s to keep you distracted while they take forever to make the freakin’ food. (another beat) MADISON (cont’d, imaginative) Or maybe there’s an evil underlying motive… like some corporate cheeseburger psychologist discovered this shit makes people spend more money.

JIMMY I got mine without cheese.

MADISON That is neither here nor there.

JIMMY Indeed it is not here.

Jimmy points to the empty table at which they are sitting.

JIMMY But it most certainly is there.

6

Jimmy points to his burger being prepared without cheese, behind the counter. Madison rolls her eyes aggressively and starts fiddling with her keys like a child with a Chinese finger trap. Jimmy is lost in thought. He returns to reality.

JIMMY (intense) Here is the future I see…

Jimmy is now speaking in a profoundly dramatic tone.

Madison can’t tell if he is being serious.

JIMMY (cont’d, gesturing wildly) I course correct my occupational trajectory… I switch lanes: culinary journalist. I write a desperately neutral review of Five Guys, like the ones on the wall. Now, I can’t know this for sure, but I would imagine that Five Guys Cheeseburger Incorporated are legally required to pay the people whose quotes they use.

Jimmy stops awkwardly to confirm that Madison is listening.

She returns with an encouraging look that says carry on.

Jimmy has stopped for too long and Madison starts to verbalize that he should continue, just as Jimmy starts to talk again. They both stop awkwardly, do this again.

Madison rolls her eyes. Finally, Jimmy carries on, cautiously, slowly at first.

JIMMY (cont’d) Okay, so let’s say it’s maybe a hundred thousand dollars — who knows, really?

MADISON (interrupting) Tim Burton knows.

JIMMY He most certainly does — have you

7

ever seen Big Fish? Oh my god…

MADISON (interrupting again) …A hundred thousand dollars…

JIMMY Right, so a hundred thousand dollars.

I take that and buy a lease for the location directly next to us right low. Now get this… I open my own burger joint. I start off by earning the interest and respect of the locals.

They think, hmm, a new burger place right next to Five Guys. And I call it Six Guys. Soon, all the people in Ithaca stop going to Five Guys and start going to Six Guys. What a novelty! they’ll think. But it doesn’t stop there. So people come in for the novelty, but they return because our burgers are better. Once we have a loyal base of customers, we seal our legacy by covering the walls in negative reviews!

Jimmy is clearly very excited by this idea, and Madison gives a real laugh. Peripherally, the Fry Cook is leaning over the counter, listening with interest.

JIMMY Eventually, Six Guys has made all the newspapers. We’re a Tik Tok phenomenon. We now have enough money to open another location. And another… and another… and we open them all next to Five Guys.

The Fry Cook is stunned by the scope of this fantasy. Jimmy is making no effort to speak quietly, but doesn’t seem to consider that anyone other than Madison would care to listen.

8

JIMMY Pretty soon there is a nationwide movement from five to six. Six Guys Cheeseburger Incorporated goes public — the stock soars like steam out of a kettle. People used to say why is six afraid of seven… because seven eight nine. But now they say why is five afraid of six… because six ran them into the fucking ground. (a beat) JIMMY (cont’d) That’s all I’ve got.

MADISON (stunned) Wow. FRY COOK (slow clapping) That was incredible… your food is ready by the way.

Jimmy gets up to receive their food. He offers an overtly sexual wink to the Fry Cook. The Fry Cook smiles back at him, longingly. As Jimmy walks back to the table, we hang back with the Fry Cook. Jimmy and Madison chat ambiently in the background, twitter around in the background here and there. The Fry Cook wears the nametag PETER. Peter goes about scrubbing the grill, counting inventory. Peter is in a menial, mechanical rhythm. It is monotonous but Peter keeps his mind clear and whistles through it. The smile remaining from Jimmy’s story is just now starting to fade.

JIMMY (exiting) Have a good night, man.

MADISON (calling) Thank you!

9

PETER (calling) You’re supposed to…

Peter calls across the restaurant but they’re out the door.

PETER Pick up your trash…

THE END.