Dreams Within Conflict Blueprint Goal: Speaker-Listener take turns fully exploring an issue not to solve the problem, but rather to move from gridlock to dialogue, and to understand, in depth, each partner’s position.
When You’re Listening: Make your partner feel SAFE enough to tell you what’s behind their position on this issue- their belief, dream or story. Create a safe space to draw out your partner and his/her/their point of view. Take on the role of someone who wants to hear your partner’s story and the dream behind the story. Just hear it and don’t judge it.
When You’re Speaking: Honestly talk about your feelings and beliefs about this issue exploring- what it means to you, what dreams might underlie your position and what they symbolize, what do you really want on this issue, and why is it important to you. Try to help your partner understand. Don’t argue for nor try to persuade your partner of your point of view, just explain how you see things.
Questions: 1. What do you believe about this issue? 2. What dreams (see list below) feel present in this issue for you? 3. Is there a story behind this for you? 4. Does this relate to your background in some way/are there related triggers? 5. Tell me why this is so important to you? 6. What do you feel about this? 7. What do you wish for? 8. What would be your ideal dream here? 9. What do you need? 10. Is there a deeper purpose or goal in this for you?
Sample Dreams: The experience of peace Unity with nature Exploring who I am Getting my priorities in order A spiritual journey Justice Honor Ending a chapter of my life Being able to compete and win A sense of freedom Getting over a personal hang up Finishing something important
Healing Having a sense of order Being able to be productive A place and a time to just be Being able to truly relax Reflecting on my life Adventure Unity with my past Quietness Asking God for forgiveness Exploring the physical side of myself Building something important
Love Knowing my family Becoming all I can be Having a sense of power Dealing with my aging Exploring a creative side Becoming more competent Travel Atonement Saying goodbye to something Exploring an old part of myself I have lost Other…
Copyright @2000-2016 by John Gottman, PhD and Julie Gottman, PhD. The Gottman Institute, Inc Compiled for you in toolbox form by Jill Corvelli PhD, Corvelli Counseling & Coaching, LLC (CC&C)