Aftermath of a Fight/Regrettable Incident The Goal: Conflict blueprint to recover from a fight Assumption: Each partner’s reality has validity Rules: Communicate without horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling) Process: Take turns answering the following 1. Feelings: Share how you felt. At this point, do not say why you felt that way. Here is a list of feelings that might help you find the right wordsI felt
defensive,
criticized,
not listened to,
like you didn’t like me,
I was right and you were wrong, unattractive, powerless, even matter, foolish,
hurt,
like I had no influence,
remorseful,
unloved, worried,
frustrated,
taken-for-granted, ashamed,
misunderstood,
afraid,
guilty,
unsafe,
unfairly picked-on,
overwhelmed,
I wanted to win this one,
alienated,
shocked,
sad,
not cared about,
out of control,
morally-outraged, nothing, lonely,
angry,
stubborn,
my opinions didn’t disloyal,
exhausted,
tired
2. Your different but equally valid realities: When it’s your turn to speak, describe your reality. When it’s your turn to listen, summarize and validate at least part of your partners reality. 3. Triggers: Share any experiences or memories you have that might have escalated things and the stories of why these are triggers for you. 4. Responsibility: Acknowledge your role in contributing to the fight. a) What set me up b) What I regret/my contribution c) What I want to apologize for d) If you accept any apology, then say so; If not then say what you still need. 5. Constructive plans: Plan together one way that each of you can make it better next time. a) Share one thing your partner can do to make it better next time (calmly) b) Share one thing you can do c) What do you need to put this behind you and move on?
Copyright @2000-2016 by John Gottman, PhD and Julie Gottman, PhD. The Gottman Institute, Inc Compiled for you in toolbox form by Jill Corvelli PhD, Corvelli Counseling & Coaching, LLC (CC&C)