April Fools Issue 2019

THE

the michaels bloombergs news-letter presents:

GOOD THINGS ABOUT HOPKINS MISTAKEN FOR THE JHU HUB SINCE 1896 BY THE JADED STUDENTS OF JOHNS HOPKINS UNIVERSITY

VOLUME #$@%!, ISSUE XXX

WWW.JHUNEWLETTER.COM

ISSUE

APRIL 1, 2019

Hopkins not elite enough for admissions scandal It also lacks Ivy league status. Despite being ranked #10 in the 2018 U.S. News Earlier this month, fed- and World Report list of top eral prosecutors charged colleges and universities, it over 50 people – includ- appears that Hopkins siming parents, coaches and ply isn’t good enough for school officials – for brib- the wealthiest.” ing college officials or Other parents felt that cheating on standardized Hopkins was “too diffitests in order to help stu- cult,” or “too nerdy” for dents gain admission to their children, federal prosseveral “elite” colleges ecutors added. and universities. Named “One parent said that she “Operadidn’t want tion Varher kids to sity Blues” be ‘anti-soby the FBI, “Going to Hopkins cial losers the college didn’t would force him to who admissions know how actually study and to scandal have has shed fun.’

Othput in effort, and I light on ers repeatdon’t want that for edly emthe lengths to which phasized my son.” wealthy that they parents will — TIGER SMITH, w a n t e d go for their WEALTHY PARENT their kids children to to get good snag a spot g r a d e s at selective with minischools. mal effort. After hearing However, Hopkins has about Organic Chemistry not yet been implicated in and Physics at Hopkins, Operation Varsity Blues. they immediately ruled the According to FBI re- school out,” they wrote. ports, Hopkins is not an The News-Letter spoke “elite enough” school for to parents whose children wealthy parents to attempt attend some of the nato bribe. tion’s top schools to better In their interviews with understand how they look nearly two dozen parents, at Hopkins. Hellen E. Copfederal prosecutors wrote: ter, a mother of two col“For many parents, Hop- lege students, explained kins does not have the how she perceives the same prestige as Yale or University.

Stanford. Nor does it have “My oldest goes to Harthe ‘fun, party-school’ ap- vard and my youngest goes peal of the University of to Brown,” Copter said. “If SEE VARSITY BLUES, PAGE A3 Southern California (USC).

By JOHN HARVARD U.S. News & World Report Staff

Daniels declares supreme leadership of Hopkins

By KJ UN Dictatorship Editor

Former University President Ronald J. Daniels announced the creation of the Democratic People’s Republic of Johns Hopkins (DPRJH), over which he will assume Supreme Leadership, at a somber assembly at the Beach on Monday evening.

Before the assembly, many expected another surprise food-truck party like the one that accompanied the student center announcement.

Instead, they found a nearly empty Beach. A single golden podium stood over the grass.

Supreme Leader Daniels arrived at exactly 7:00 p.m. in a blacked-out SUV, accompanied by several men

Bloomberg and Daniels vie for University presidency

wearing jet black suits and sunglasses. As he stepped up to the podium, a drizzle began to fall from the grey clouds overhead.

“We gather here today to celebrate the creation of a Johns Hopkins with a growing endowment, strong overseas partnerships with peer institutions and citizens who never speak out of line or protest my decisions,” Supreme Leader Daniels said. “I am also excited to announce the creation of the Johns Hopkins People’s Army, a strong military force that will keep our Blue Jays safe and our borders united.”

As Supreme Leader Daniels flashed two peace

signs over his head, five low-flying jets roared over the Beach, leaving streaks of Hopkins blue in the sky.

The sounds of the jets were slowly replaced with unified stomping and drumlines as the celebratory military parade grew closer.

At the front of the parade marched our former blue jay mascot, who is now known as General Jay. Ten Blue Jay Battalions — military units in full tactical gear — marched behind him, one for every year Supreme Leader Daniels served as president. Each private was equipped with handcuffs, pepper spray, a fully automatic rifle, and a SEE SUPREME LEADER, PAGE A3

[

[

COURTESY OF THE OFFICIAL DPRJH PRESS KIT

Supreme Leader Daniels hosted the assembly and parade on Sunday to celebrate the new military might of the Democratic People’s Republic of Johns Hopkins.

JHPD will be headquartered in the new student center

By MICHAEL HARRISON BPD Reporter

COURTESY OF MIKE BLOOMBERG

Ronald J. Daniels debates with his benefactor, Michael Bloomberg.

By BLOOMBERG NEWS Conflict of Interest

The Board of Trustees announced that there will be a special election on campus in 2020 on Monday at 1:45 p.m. The one contested position: that of University President.

Current University President Ronald J. Daniels has been asked to step down for the time. As of last Monday, Daniels is considered the interim president, until a decisive election takes place. He has been president since 2009.

The News-Letter spoke to one of the Deans of Something Or Other about the decision to hold the election.

“We felt that the time was right to hold this election,” Dean Dude Over 40 said. “There’s so many Deans at this school, we get bored once in a while and want to shake things up. Plus, it gives the Board

of Trustees something to do for the first time in a few years.”

For about 10 and a half seconds after the announcement, it seemed that Daniels would be the only candidate. But it seems that it simply took that long for the news to reach Michael Bloomberg in New York.

Bloomberg is an esteemed Hopkins alum, best known for speculating about running for president and then deciding against it even though people really really really want him to. He also is a bit of a wealthy man, according to some sources.

Bloomberg’s campaign was up and running, with a logo licensed and his lawyers trademarking his every word, at 1:46 pm.

Daniels, who was busy checking which parts of the Mattin Center would cause the most traffic jams if they were bulldozed first, was unable to start designing SEE PRESIDENT, PAGE A3

Since University President Ronald J. Daniels announced plans to create a private police force last March, his administration has been locked in a terse battle of wills with Students Against Private Police (SAPP). Yesterday, however, Daniels unleashed a masterstroke to upset negotiations with SAPP. In an institutionwide email, he announced that the Johns Hopkins Police Department (JHPD)’s headquarters would be in the soon-to-be-constructed student center.

He explained that the

private police force and the student center had previously been completely unrelated ideas.

“It wasn’t like we realized that we created a shitstorm with the police force and needed a distraction, and fast,” Daniels said before our reporter could ask his first question. “No, it wasn’t like that at all.”

Since Daniels announced the student center earlier this month, however, it has dominated conversation on campus. Many students have wondered what the center will have to offer. A movie theater? A bowling alley? A food court with halfway decent options?

INSIDE THIS ISSUE

Kumar walks in on Bloomberg & Daniels’ secret meeting

In keeping with Hopkins tradition, administrators ignored everything students had to say and instead confirmed that headquartering the JHPD in the student center is an all-ornothing proposal.

“Are students really going to stand against a police force if it also means fighting their beloved student center?” Melissa Hyatt, vice president of security, said with a smug smirk.

“Checkmate.”

Four minutes after yesterday’s announcement, SAPP tweeted out a statement affirming the group’s continued opposition to a private police force on campus.

“We will not even consider the possibility of a student center sharing space with a private police force,” the statement read.

“It would obviously be better if that space was used for a game room, a froyo bar and a laser tag course.”

This morning, SAPP hosted an anti-police rally in the Mattin Center, which is slated to be destroyed before construction begins on a student center and JHPD headquarters at the site.

Demonstrators at the rally, which SAPP hosted with over a dozen other student activist groups, also called for free printing and SEE JHPD, PAGE A2

Free printing is coming to campus!

After months of negotiations with SGA, JHU announced it would tear down Gilman Hall and sell it for scrap to fund the initiative. WE’RE A GODDAMN TOP TEN SCHOOL, PAGE A3

We’re obsessively following this latest scandal to give our Construction of rodeo begins readers all the latest, Yee haw Blue jays! Students can look forward to juiciest details. a new rodeo in the Recreation Center. Take an CELEBRITY GOSS, inside look here. COWBOY CULTURE, PAGE A12 PAGE B5

THE MSM A1 • PERSONAL SHIT A8 • ASIAN INTEREST A11 • BALTIMORE B2 • ARTS, MEDIA AND MARKETING B3 • CUTE BLUE JAYS B6 • STEM B7 • SCHOOL SPIRIT B12

A2

THE JOHNS HOPKINS NEWS-LETTER

APRIL 1, 2019

THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT HOPKINS ISSUE

Letter to the Editor In response to this year’s weekly Opinions column “I’m Asian and Fuck White Privilege”: Dear Editors, My name is Cole O’Neal, and I’m the founder and president of the White Student Union (WSU), a new and unofficial advocacy group on campus. There is a lot that I admire about the John Hopkin New-Letter.

First, you have a lot of hardworking Asian lady editors in your paper. I won’t name names, because I have great difficulty telling these women apart. But I just want them to know that I’m so impressed by their English, and that it’s so fascinating to read about the perspectives of people who come from all of these exotic places.

You also make an effort to give minorities a voice. As a person of both Irish and Scottish descent, I know how discrimination feels, and I think visibility is important. I know that there are other people of my race that write for your paper and even have leadership roles. It’s great to see my increasingly invisible brethren represented in your paper.

That being said, I’ve noticed a lot of insensitive reporting and writing in this paper over the past couple of years. Or rather, a disappointing double standard.

For example, you do a good job for making people-first language a standard. You say “people of color” instead of “colored people,” and “people with disabilities instead of “disabled people.” For some minorities, you even avoid using color descriptors altogether. But nothing has changed for the way you describe us as “white people.”

“White,” like “yellow,” is an outdated term. We attempted to reclaim this label when we named our organization the White Student Union, the way our friends from Africa often reclaim another such unspeakable word in rap music.

But we’re tired of being defined by our whiteness by others. We are not just “white.” We are people, just like everyone else. Yet “white people” litters the pages of your newspaper and conditions my people to see it as marker of shame. Maybe it’s time to apply your people-first language to white people too. Why not use the increasingly popular term “people of light?”

I didn’t realize how much stigma there was around being a “white” person, especially a white heterosexual cisgender man, until I came to Hopkins. Here, people joke about “white” people not being able to dance and being racist. To them it may be funny, but I personally find it

troubling, bordering on racism. How can we have equality if we just turn the tide of hate against innocent people like myself, simply because of our race? It might seem harmless, but it’s in jokes like these that the rot starts. Soon all of us “whites” will be fearing for our lives.

There’s more. While you fuss over blackface, you do not look into the history of something that should earn equal — if not more — censure: whiteface. Here and across the nation, no one even blinks an eye when they see people appropriate our whiteness and our unique struggle. On Halloween I saw a student of color dress as Donald Trump, painting his face orange and wearing a fluffy yellow wig and tiny hand gloves. You are free to dislike Trump, but he is not a costume.

He is an individual. And of course, K-Pop is really just an appropriation of white culture: all these people dye their hair blonde to look like us. I have an Asian classmate who has golden curls like Taylor Swift.

You talk about the progress we’ve made for people of color. You’ve written stories on the history of black people at Hopkins, but the history of white people at Hopkins is much longer. We’ve been here since 1876, but does anyone care? You’ve celebrated Indigenous Peoples Day, Black History Month and even Asian/Pacific Heritage Month. But where is our White Peoples Day? Our White History Month? When will our stories be heard?

You’re not the only ones to have fallen short in this regard. Another one that comes to mind is the Student Government Association, which has recently launched a Pink/Rainbow Wave for minorities and LGBTQ students and has even established a black caucus. I commend them for these initiatives, but it’s not very inclusive of them to not consider creating a White Wave or a white caucus. We have our own unique concerns and in a truly equal society we deserve the same treatment.

We want you to know that we respect you and we want your support and that of other student groups. So far only the College Republicans seem to pay us any attention. But if we want to create a colorblind society, a society where being white or black isn’t an obstacle, we have to stand together. We are all minorities here and all lives matter.

DISCLAIMER Dear reader, If you’re alarmed by the articles in this week’s News-Letter, don’t fear — you’re reading our annual April Fool’s issue! There’s much more to fear in the real news anyway, which is something we try to remind our readers of on a weekly basis.

But sometimes it’s exhausting for our editors and writers to always be pointing out the bad things about Hopkins and beyond. That’s something we realized last spring when our reporters interviewed our president, who asked: “When will the good things about Hopkins issue come out?”

You asked, President Daniels, and now we’ve delivered. To our fellow depressed, sleep-deprived Blue Jays, we ask you to take this opportunity to focus on the good things about Hopkins. It wouldn’t be (entirely) accurate to say Hopkins students are living under a dictatorship, and we haven’t (yet) developed the technologies or finances to relocate the entirety of Baltimore City. You can also take this opportunity to imagine good things about Hopkins. Who wouldn’t want a rodeo or free t-shirts from our beloved benefactor, Daddy Bloomberg?

For some, our jokes may fall flat. Sometimes, it’s impossible to find humor in a potential private police force or racism (those two, some would argue, come hand in hand) or totalitarian governments. If so we don’t blame you — we’ve been there. Sometimes it’s impossible to laugh. Sometimes we can’t believe what we read or report. As of late, the line between satire and tragic reality feels a little too thin.

All the same, we’re happy to share this special issue with you — if not to put a smile on your face, then perhaps to illuminate the truth in a way that our weekly reporting cannot. Happy April Fool’s to all! Here’s to the good things.

With Love, The Editors of The News-Letter

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BARELY HOLDING IT TOGETHER WORK WIVES:

SLITHER! & Richard “Doge” Nixon

NETFLIX AND CHILL COUPLE WOMANAGING EDITORS:

Man of Rainbow & Assymetrical Beauty

OUR AMAZING UNPAID INTERNS CAFFEINE SHOT EDITORS MITSKI EDITOR IMPERSONATION EDITOR SCHOOL SPIRIT EDITORS #1 RESEARCH UNIVERSITY EDITORS ARTISANAL EDITORS THE VULNERABILITY EDITOR THE HOPKINS BUBBLE DESTROYER OUR SAVING GRACE LOVE IS DEAD EDITORS

Sincerely, Cole O’Neal, Founder of the White Student Union

Student center to host JHPD headquarters

Hello Fresh Pro, The Rock 2.0, Ariana Grande, Queen of Side Eye Blue Jae Tommy Wiseau Sweatpants, #1 Orioles Fan, Pixelated Headshot Rah rah for KKG, Sweet Tooth A Star Is Born, Across the Pond Baker-in-Chief I Love Israel Mother of Abby, Lion Dancing Queen Your Go-To Date Party Date, Stressed but Well-Dressed

ARTS AND CRAFTS EDITORS PICTURE TIME! EMOJIS EDITOR FRESHMAN EDITOR

Turkish Delight, Chef AkPsi Blue Jeans Always Studying

GOLD DIGGERS BRAINS AND MONETARY GAINS MONEY MAKER EMERITUS SILICON VALLEY EDITOR PULL QUOTE MANAGER

Disneyland or Six Flags Legacy ty Simone Reddit, Google and HopHacks Man Buns and Car Seat Headrest

THE BACKBONE OF THIS PAPER: Sports squad, Columbia Journalism School, Horse Girl THE VERTEBRAE OF THIS PAPER: Science Policy Town Hall, Baltimore’s foremost food expert, rotating TRU member who writes for Opinions, rotating SGA member who writes for Opinions, our resident rap aficionado, Women in STEM, In Search Of A Name, Joan Freedman, 7-11, Bo Z’s pls sponsor us!, BROKEN GOLF CART HELP NEEDED, Tamer/ Spotlight, KevSholl our pocket square icon, flooded basement, invasive plants, trap door to BMA, CAUTION: bridge slippery when wet, broken space heaters RIP CANON OR NIKON?: Arpan the Camera Man AUTOCORRECTERS: Brian come back from abroad!

COURTESY OF S. ANN RIDGE

Daniels sketched the updated plan for the student center on the back of a receipt he pulled out of a desk drawer.

JHPD, FROM A1

is slated to be destroyed before construction begins on a student center and JHPD headquarters at the site.

Demonstrators at the rally, which SAPP hosted with over a dozen other student activist groups, also called for free printing and better mental health services on campus, an end to the University’s contract with Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) and the reinstitution of covered grades. It was the seventh rally these groups organized this month.

Hyatt walked past the rally on her way to a meeting at Student Life, which she said would count as a student interaction to hear feedback on the police

force. When our reporter asked Hyatt to respond to the rally, she just laughed.

“We really value everything our students have to say,” she said through tears of laughter. “That’s why we were so careful to spend plenty of time talking with students and community members before announcing the creation of — excuse me, I mean the tentative plans to create a police force.”

Daniels shared a rough blueprint of the center, which he updated to include a space for the police force headquarters. A source close to the President who spoke anonymously for fear of endangering their employment said that Daniels had taken

to calling it “the SAPP Memorial Student Center.”

Daniels refused to confirm or deny the allegation.

Instead, he explained the angle that he and his PR team decided on — that headquartering the JHPD in the student center would prove to students how seriously the University takes their safety and well-being.

“Because of our unique position in a city like Baltimore, it’s in our enlightened self-interest to keep students as safe as possible, and that means making sure that the student center is under 24-hour guard,” Daniels said. “We also want to build a sense of shared community between students and officers. Deep inside, we’re all Blue Jays.”

The New-Letter The Gatehouse (that spooky cottage on the corner of Art Museum Dr. and N. Charles St) The John Hopkin New-Letter is slapped together every Wednesday night during the academic year by the 7/11-fuelled undergraduate students of The John Hopkin University with the exception of holidays, exam periods and vacations (except when the school announces something like a private police force or a student center.) The views expressed herein, including opinions and columns, defi nitely do not represent those of the editorial board (but inside every joke there’s a grain of truth.) All submissions become property of The New-Letter and will be included on The New-Letter’s website, www.jhunewletter.com.

Business hours are Mondays through Fridays, 1-5 p.m. and whenever we get a Slack notification. ©2019 The John Hopkin New-Letter. No material in this issue may be reproduced without the expressed written permission of the Editorsin-Chief. Please don’t take advantage of our writers’ hard work.

Please mail donations to: 3400 N. Charles St. Mattin Center, Suite 131 Baltimore, MD 21218 Phone: (410) 516-6000 Email: chiefs@jhunewsletter.com Business Email: business@jhunewsletter.com

April 1, 2018

The Johns Hopkins News-Letter

A3

THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT HOPKINS ISSUE

Daniels declares himself Bloomberg to donate body, money to clone research our new supreme leader SUPREME LEADER, from A1

brown paper bag — for “analytical purposes.”

To maintain anonymity, each officer wore a mask bearing the face of Michael Bloomberg, one of Supreme Leader Daniels’ closest economic allies.

Supreme Leader Daniels suggested in his speech that he would use his newly declared power to accomplish his long-rumored goal of bringing all of Baltimore under Hopkins’ control. While DPRJH has yet to confirm the exact size of the People’s Army, the force presented at the parade dwarfed the 2,500 officers at the Baltimore Police Department.

President of Students for a Democratic Society (SDS), Marl Karx, expressed her dissatisfaction with the private military police force following the demonstration.

“What the fuck? Is this allowed?” she said, opening her official statement.

“What the fuck? Is that allowed?”

Karx also questioned the accuracy of the portraits of Supreme Leader Daniels that were paraded between each Blue Jay Battalion. The portraits included a simple face shot, a shot of Supreme Leader Daniels excelling in an engineering course, and a rather poorly edited picture of Supreme Leader Daniels’ face photoshopped onto Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s body.

Tyler, the creator of these paraded portraits, defended his actions in an interview with The News-Letter.

“Look, I had no choice,” he claimed. “I’m just a public health major, and I don’t even know how to use Photoshop. General Jay just stormed into my room one day and told me that if I didn’t make those pictures, they would indefinitely detain me in AMR I.” A spokesperson for DPRJH confirmed that officers will in fact have the authority to detain and imprison Hopkins affiliates.

Plans to transform AMR I into a permanent holding cell will commence during the summer, after which the building will be renamed Hotel Baltimore.

Supreme Leader Daniels assured students that, in the case of an arrest, they would be guaranteed the rights and due process outlined in the new University constitution.

The News-Letter has thus far not been able to attain a copy of this constitution.

Multiple requests have been sent to administration, but such requests have only returned a single sheet of blank printer paper.

While the show of force concerned many students, others were confident in Supreme Leader Daniels’ newfound power. Pepe Williams, founder and sole member of the Hopkins 4chan Association, saw this extension of the University’s power as a means to protect traditional Hopkins values.

“I don’t know what all these cosmopolitan soy boys are complain about.

Supreme Leader Daniels doesn’t play by the rules.

He’s not worried about being PC, and I like that,” Williamson commented in

V i c e person’s informed consent.

Provost for Ridge explained how the K e e p i n g University will ensure that Shit Under Bloomberg’s body is hana heated argument stemWraps S. dled responsibly. ming from a Facebook post Ann Ridge “We’ve learned a lot on the Hopkins meme page, would not since the Henrietta Lacks now known as Supreme c o n f i r m fiasco. We’re going to make Leader Daniels’ Memes for w h e t h e r sure we get permission the Eternal Glory of our H o p k i n s from Bloomberg and his Thriving and Bountiful s p o n s o r s family beforehand, and the Hopes and Dreams. c l a n d e s - department that receives “This is the only way to tine work the cadaver will be subject protect against the ongoing on cloning. to strict oversight by the Ininvasion of Hopkins-hating She said stitutional Review Board,” pleb,” he went on to add. that EDMR Ridge said.

“We need to protect the d i r e c t o r s Bloomberg explained future of our graduating would dethat he was not worried classes, and the only way cide where about Hopkins profiting we can do that is by keepto direct from his remains — in fact, ing non-Hopkins affiliates B l o o m - that’s the point, he said.

Courtesy of Ronny D out. This campus-suicide berg’s do“You think I want my Bloomberg believes that giving his body to University research will be the ultimate donation. has to stop.” n a t i o n body to sit in a glass case Before The News-Letter when the time comes. somewhere collecting my obligation to give back was able to interview more By ALDOUS HUXLEY Ethics Editor “We are so grateful to dust?” he said.

“No, I’m to the Hopkins community students at the assembly, Michael Bloomberg for this hoping that Hopkins can in any way I can, no matSupreme Leader Daniels incredibly generous gift,” use my body to rake in the Former New York City- ter how big or how small,” announced the creation she said.

“He’s already cash.

That’s why I’m excited of a University-run press mayor Michael Bloomberg he said. “I just didn’t know network called Hopkins announced on Monday that how to top my last dona- given us so much, and to be part of this special Under Big Brother, or the he plans to donate his body tion. What could possibly we’re so excited to contin- EDMR project.”

One top official within to Hopkins for research be more important to me ue bleeding him dry even HUB for short. after his death.”

EDMR confirmed rumors General Jay then escort- purposes after he dies. This than my money?”

Peter Harrington, direcabout the Office’s work The answer, of course, ed our reporters out of the announcement comes just tor of the Molecular Bioon cloning, adding that event, and informed The months after Bloomberg, a was his body, which physics Lab on the HomeBloomberg had committed News-Letter that the paper class of 1964 alum, donated Bloomberg hopes will wood Campus, said that a significant percent of his would no longer be allowed $1.8 billion to Hopkins for contribute to the next his team was overlooked net worth to EDMR after great medical breakto cover University events financial aid for low-inwhen the administration his death. through.

Upon his death, due to what they called the come students.

“I can’t really get into In an interview with The Bloomberg’s body will be decided what will be done paper’s “intentional sowwith Bloomberg’s body. any of the details of our reshipped to the Johns Hoping of anti-Hopkins senti- News-Letter, Bloomberg jus“There’s a lot of evisearch, but suffice to say it kins University Office of ment.” Since DPRJH is now tified his decision to donate dence to suggest that rhymes with schmimmorEthically Dubious Media global diplomatic power, his body to science.

Bloomberg might be an tality,” they said. “By leavcal Research (EDMR), “Philanthropy is incredThe News-Letter is currently extraterrestrial being, for ing us not only his body but which is rumored to have battling this decision in the ibly important to me, and example, the way his repalso his money, it’s more made recent strides in the International Court of Jus- as an alum of Johns Hoptilian eyes seem to stare than just Bloomberg’s name field of cloning. kins University I feel it is tice in The Hague. right into your soul,” Har- that’s going to live forever.” rington said. “I’m fighting Bloomberg explained for the chance to bring that he made this decision him into my lab and deter- after he decided not to run mine whether his DNA is for president in 2020. truly human.”

“Now that I don’t have to The University has a worry about a presidential PRESIDENT, from A1 “I love this guy. He’s the four individuals showed up tenuous history with ex- campaign, I can focus on my campaign materials until best. Big fan. Will vote.” (none of whom are part of ploiting human remains other passions — throwing 1:47 p.m.

When asked if he has the Hopkins community or for scientific purposes. In my absurd wealth around.

1951, the Johns Hopkins Take that last donation I Bloomberg officially ever voted in a Hopkins from Baltimore). announced his campaign election before, Bore, a su“Guys, come on,” Dan- Hospital took cells from made — $1.8 billion dolrun in a meeting at the per senior, hesitated before iels said in his 10 minute Baltimore resident Henri- lars? That’s three percent Hopkins Club on Tuesday. responding. campaign speech. “This etta Lacks without her per- of my net worth. Imagine He gave a “I mean, is ridiculous. I do a lot for mission, which sparked a what else I can do,” he said. three-minute I guess?” he this school. You asked for a national discussion about “I figured I may as well just speech dea n s w e r e d student center, then booed the ethics of using human donate everything I’ve got tailing the s l o w l y , when I announced one. You cells or tissues without that to Hopkins.” reasons for sounding un- asked for more safety, then his candisure. “Like, threatened mine when I dacy. Bloomthere was just brought up a private police berg also an election a thingy. It’s not my fault all touched on few months of you complain.” the reasons ago, right?

Daniels’ primary camthat he felt he I think Es- paign promise is that any was a more gee Aye was students who vote for him fit president the winner. will be allowed to check for the Uni— Michael Pretty sure out the moose head hangversity than Bloomberg, they’re the ing in his house. BloomDaniels.

Candidate for SGA Execu- berg, by contrast, has “The guy’s President of tive President promised any student who C a n a d i a n ,” Hopkins now.” votes for him a real-life Bloomberg The elec- moose, along with three said to open tion will be Mattin Centers. his speech. “According to moderated by the ComBloomberg shared his his Wikipedia page, which mittee on Student Elec- thoughts on the election exists for some reason, tions (CSE). In a departure in an exclusive interview Daniels is either 59 or 60 from previous methods of with The News-Letter. He exyears old. His Biography choosing the University plained that he had hoped exclusively tells of his President, students will be to run for U.S. President, but ‘Leadership at Johns Hop- allowed to vote. The an- felt that the Hopkins eleckins University,’ which is nouncement was revealed tion would be an easier win.

File Photo from a Friday night in Brody Probably the first section, and of his in an email from the Hub. “It just makes sense to Parents cited campus culture as a reason to not send their kids to Hopkins. life ‘Prior to Johns Hop- As no one reads it, most vote for me,” he said. “ReVARSITY BLUES, from A1 On the Homewood Camkins University,’ which is students didn’t realize member when I wrote that the second section.” that they had some voting really nice article for The not saying that I would – pus, some students feel ofBloomberg concluded power for once until the New York Times about how Hopkins would definitely fended that Hopkins wasn’t implicated in Operation his speech with a special University placed strategic I’d get rid of student debt? not be that school.”

Tiger Smith, whose son Varsity Blues. Freshman thank-you gift for all at- seesaws across the Beach, I put my money where my tendees. Those who con- spelling out the news. mouth is — or rather, I put attends Yale, elaborated Stan Commonapp shared cluded their dinners were Daniels gave an opening my money where yours that with grade deflation, his reaction to the college ecstatic to find what guest campaign speech as well, isn’t. I’m happy to contin- a lack of school spirit and admissions scandal.

“We’re just as good as Malti Bore called “The best on Wednesday evening. Its ue doing that for all of my few options for kids who are not pre-med, Hopkins USC and certainly better damn present I’ve ever re- attendees were a stark con- time as Hopkins prez.” ceived.” Underneath the trast to Bloomberg’s audiBloomberg hopes to use may not be every parents’ than the University of California, San Diego,” he said. crab cakes (which had ence, which was made up of his “memeable appeal” to first choice.

“I want to set my kid up “I’m personally really hurt been spiced with Old Board of Trustees members persuade voters to vote for Bay crab seasoning) were and students who no longer him. He claims that it is his for success,” he said. “I also that Hopkins isn’t considbrand-new “I Love NY” have to repay their student strongest asset, especially want him to have an easy ered ‘elite enough’ by some t-shirts. Wrapped tightly loans. Daniels, by contrast, as it is backed by a cool five four years of fun before I people. At the same time, get them a job at my com- I guess I’m kind of proud inside each t-shirt was invited everyone on all Hop- billion dollars. the guest’s total amount kins campuses and through“Ronny D. Daddy B. It’s pany and pay their rent. to be a Hopkins student of student loans, paid to out the Baltimore commu- an easy change to make, Going to Hopkins would and know that our school them in a tight wad of nity. However, the event and one which I hope all force him to actually study wouldn’t take bribes from cash. was advertised in Daily students will rally behind,” and put in effort, and I don’t rich parents. As far as we know, anyway.” want that for my son.”

“It’s brilliant,” Bore said. Announcements, and only Bloomberg said.

Homewood 2020: what you should know

“Ronny D. Daddy B. It’s an easy change to make, and one which I hope all students will rally behind.”

Rich parents don’t want to send their kids to Hopkins

A4

THE JOHNS HOPKINS NEWS-LETTER

APRIL 1, 2019

THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT HOPKINS ISSUE

Up close and personal with our newer, hotter mascot Get the latest piping hot NBA updates from DanSea Barr y was last seen being carried away by members of the private police force.

It’s uncertain as to why he was being detained, and the University refuses to answer further quest ions.

COURTESY OF JAY THE BLUE JAY RanaivoariLast month, our long-despised grinning mascot received a much needed 21st-century update. jaona, too, refused to address any of the negative

By CHARLES DARWIN By the end of this decade, Bird Editor outlooks on the new mascot. we’re planning to unveil It took pure luck to be even more exciting develable to corner him for an Following the Blue Jay opments for the University exclusive interview in a mascot’s makeover last and its global standing.” room monitored by adminmonth, The News-Letter has Public opinion, howfinally been able to obtain ever, has been split on istrators. As the Blue Jay an interview with Jay the these changes. Sophomore took a seat across from our Blue Jay himself regarding Eric Barry was among the reporter, it stared blankly his opinions on the drastic crowd at the lacrosse game, at the other person at the changes. and also part of the major- table, face stuck in a perThe new mascot design ity of students critical of the petual, twisted grin. After turning around and taking debuted on Feb. 16 at the mascot’s makeover. men’s lacrosse team home “I think it’s weird. We a brief glance at the adminopener. Sarah Jones, mar- had an entirely fine Blue Jay istrators lurking outside the keting coordinator for mascot before, aside from room, the mascot began to Hopkins Athletics, wrote those teeth – it took me a answer our questions in a in an email to The News- whole year to get used to hushed voice.

Letter that these changes them,” he said. “Now I’ve N-L: So, what inspired are a refreshing and much returned from winter break, the change in– and I come back to learn that needed new take on the BJ: Listen. I’m sure you the mascots changed again? classic Blue Jay design. have some good questions I don’t have the working “The future? It’s happenbut this is kind of an emerbrain cells for this.” ing today. You don’t have to imagine a world that Barry went on to explain gency. It’s me, Eric.

N-L: Wha- wait. Eric has a more welcoming Blue why he does not like the Barry?

Jay greeting prospective new mascot.

BJ: Yeah... Oh god. It’s students and cheering on “It’s just weird, man! crowds at athletic games– Those eyes stare back at me been a real bad couple of it’s happening now,” she all hollow-like,” he said. “I weeks. I’ve basically been wrote. “We are all for prog- don’t know why anyone trapped? In this mascot ress as a university, and our would volunteer to be the thing for 2 weeks– they haven’t even let me out of mascot is just the first stage. guy behind the mascot.”

the damn blue jay to take a shower. It REEKS in here.

N-L: Backtrack a bit here… Who’s forcing you to be there? Who trapped you?

BJ: It was the University, man! I say one thing bad about their mascot, next thing I know I wake up and I’m being told that I’ll be the guy behind the mascot for the “foreseeable future”– ugh, whatever that means!

N-L: What’s your routine as the mascot? Have they let you out much?

BJ: Besides one or two home games… not really?

I mean, I know they keep me in some sort of underground building under Hodson during off-time.

I sleep… sleep a bit more.

Honestly, I probably have a better sleeping schedule than most of the students on this campus. I just can’t take the damn costume off. All my eating? Done through a tube they let slip through the zipper. It’s plain inhumane, man! I feel like I’m being treated like the mascot, not like a real person.

Before other questions could be asked, an administrator entered the room and ended the interview. The last we saw of Barry was the mascot being pushed out of the door. His current whereabouts are unknown.

The inhumane treatment of the Blue Jay Mascot Barry has been reported to security, though it’s unlikely further action will be done to free Barry. A Gofundme has been started in his name, created in order to do… something. At least the money helps.

After threatening secession, SGA faces impeachment

By BORIS JOHNSON SGExit Editor

After their weekly meeting in Charles Commons on Monday at 7:00 p.m., Student Government Association (SGA) members voted unanimously to pass a 100-page resolution calling for the University to abandon plans for a private police force, to abolish the Baltimore Police Department, to end crime, to end racism, ableism, sexism, homophobia and all other forms of discrimination, to end sexual assault, to cure depression on campus and to provide free pizza every day to all students.

The resolution also states that if the University does not comply with these demands, SGA will withdraw from Hopkins.

Executive President Theresa Mayflower authored the legislation, which she affectionately dubbed the “Everything Bagel.”

In an interview with The News-Letter, Mayflower explained that the Everything Bagel is intended to compensate for difficulties SGA experienced during the tenure of her predecessor, Elizabeth Doolittle, who was impeached last week, as well as the administration’s failure to answer to student demands. Mayflower, then Executive Vice President, had presented impeachment charges against Doolittle the week before.

“It is to my great chagrin that my predecessor, due to a ghastly bout of senioritis, grossly neglected her duties to represent SGA. As a re-

sult, SGA has accomplished little to nothing over the past few years,” Mayflower said.

“But I pulled six consecutive all-nighters in order to make the Everything Bagel absolutely perfect. I am confident that our carefully researched and worded reforms will make a tangible difference in the lives of our constituents.”

As Mayflower presented her resolution, members nodded mindlessly without looking up from their computers. Some were online shopping, others were engrossed in Buzzfeed quizzes or scrolling Facebook, and one senator was straight up watching The Office. The relevance of these websites to the meetings is not yet clear, but various senators have assured our reporter that it’s part of their job.

Junior Class Senator Juan Adeyemi denounced the Everything Bagel for being too ambitious. He favors “Don’t Worry Be Happy,” an alternative resolution aiming to tackle both sexual assault and mental heatlh, which Adeyemi said are the most pressing issues facing students.

“Sexual assault sucks. So does depression,” Adeyemi said. “These are things we can get rid of. How? We’ll ask the administration to end these things. Just leave it all to us.”

He was also alarmed that the Everything Bagel calls for withdrawal if the University fails to comply with the legislation, pointing out the many obvious impracticalities of withdrawal.

Mayflower countered

that Hopkins administrators clearly don’t understand the purpose of a student government association and often simply ignore SGA and the students they represent.

“It’s time to form our own independent government!” she cheered. “Yes, there will be hardship — trade between students and the administration will collapse, once-open borders will need to be enforced — but we will come out a stronger, more united SGA!” She called for a vote on the Everything Bagel, effectively a referendum on whether to leave Hopkins.

When she called for all those in favor, the senators robotically chanted “aye” without looking up.

Mayflower announced the Everything Bagel in an email to the student body at 7:16 p.m. Her message included a proposed memorandum of understanding with the administration and a personal note to University President Ronald J. Daniels.

In an institution-wide email sent at 7:21 p.m., Daniels condemned SGA’s sur-

prise vote. He called on SGA senators to impeach Mayflower before it was too late.

“On my most recent expedition to Decker Quad, I came across a herd of upperclass students. Knowing that they are apt to bite at this time of year, I kept my distance, but I overheard them longing for a more transparent administration. Well, let me be perfectly open and honest: I’m not quite exactly sure what SGA’s been up to,” his message read. “If we avert the Everything Bagel and maintain the status quo, I will bring permanent seesaws and food trucks to the Beach. You’re welcome, Blue Jays. Sent from my iPhone.”

Within two minutes, members voted to impeach Mayflower as they continued to stare at their screens.

She will face an impeachment hearing next week.

“Today was emotionally taxing,” Sophomore Class Senator Riva Takahashi said as she hurriedly closed a tab showing Kate Spade sale items. “But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. In the end, it’s all for the best.”

Daniel Sealey DanSea

I

t was a bizarre day in the NBA, as three separate astonishing developments shocked the basketball world.

LeBron is heading to NOLA this summer Just ahead of this past February’s trade deadline, tensions between the Los Angeles Lakers and New Orleans Pelicans were sky high. The two teams’ front offices, LeBron James, Anthony Davis and Klutch Sports (James and Davis’ agency) were caught in the middle of firestorm that had consequences for all of the parties involved.

However, the Lakers and Pelicans appear to have put their differences aside, as they have agreed on an absolutely stunning transaction. LeBron and AD will get to pair up after all, just not where we’d all expected. This summer, once trades can be made official, the Lakers will send LeBron to the Pelicans in exchange for two future fi rst round draft picks. In addition, New Orleans will send a third fi rst round pick and forward Solomon Hill to the Atlanta Hawks, in exchange for a future second round pick and salary cap space.

From the Pelicans’ standpoint, this move allows them to add the type of player that they would never have any shot at signing or acquiring otherwise. If LeBron and AD develop strong chemistry, and the supporting cast complements the two superstars effectively, New Orleans is instantly a contender. Many analysts are criticizing the number of future picks that the Pelicans are giving up for a plan that could very easily go south quickly. That’s fair, but were the Pelicans ever known for having a shrewd front office? And in their defense, they are getting LeBron!

The Lakers, meanwhile, will clear up not only the tension in their locker room, but a ton of cap space that they can use to attract members of this summer’s ultra talented free agent class. And who knows, maybe AD won’t like playing with LeBron after all and he will head to La La Land next summer. LeBron, on the other hand, won’t be leaving NOLA any time soon.

Should’ve thought that through before he signed a contract without a notrade clause!

KD and Kyrie form a new “Big Three” in an unexpected destination

COURTESY OF JEFF BEZOS

Wow! Our student reps are avid supporters of capitalism, just like you!

Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving have absolutely had it with the media, as evidenced by multiple in-

cidents over the course of this season. The two have taken matters into their own hands to find a balance between avoiding the overbearing media, winning, increasing their popularity and making boatloads of money. They have found a solution, albeit in a place far, far away: Shanghai. KD and Kyrie will join Jimmer Fredette on the Sharks to form an unstoppable overseas trio.

The two former NBA champions are claiming that this move has nothing to do with avoiding the media’s scrutiny (make of that what you will). Rather, they are calling this move a “business decision,” as it will allow them to pursue major sponsorship opportunities in a gigantic market that is full of potential. Basketball is already immensely popular in China, and it is continuing to gain popularity at a rapid rate. If the Chinese consider Stephon Marbury to be a legend, imagine what they’ll think about KD and Kyrie.

The two are expected to sign contracts comparable to deals that they would have signed in the NBA, as the news of the two’s move to China has triggered a massive inflow of money into the Chinese Basketball Association. Chinese investors are betting big on KD and Kyrie’s ability to vitalize the league for the long term. The two should also see considerable increases in their supplementary income. They are both signing new shoe deals with Nike to account for the drastic increase in anticipated sales of their shoes in China.

Cleveland busted after making cavalier decision In 2003, after winning the draft lottery, Cleveland was fortunate enough to select a once-in-a-generation talent in LeBron first overall. When LeBron left to play in Miami for four years, the Cavs managed to win the lottery three times.

Sure, they were a pitiful in each of those seasons, but winning the lottery that many times seems a bit too coincidental.

Now, it turns out that Cleveland is indeed involved in some fishy activities. An unnamed 22-yearold currently employed with the organization as a “Technical Intern” was caught at NBA headquarters “attempting to covertly manipulate the draft lottery machine to influence its algorithm.”

Following LeBron’s second departure from “The Land,” the Cavs are in a state of absolute desperation. They have inevitably fallen back into the league’s abyss of irrelevance and were clearly dead set on drafting Duke University phenom Zion Williamson, no matter the cost. Consequently, they resorted to extreme measures that will now backfi re big time. As punishment for its actions, Cleveland will be forced to forfeit all of its 2019 draft picks. Now, for the fi rst time maybe ever, the city will actually be thankful that it has the Browns.