12 minute read
Jennifer Mann, LCSW
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
Dear Navidaters,
I was dating Dovid very seriously, and we were a few short weeks from getting engaged. Suddenly, he ended the relationship, without a conversation, because he believed his friends who were in similar situations appeared to be more excited than he was.
It’s been some time now and I have open-mindedly gone out with other guys, but I still have an intuition that we will end up together. I am aware that the way he handled the entire situation says a lot about him and his communication style, or lack thereof, but I wish there was some way to facilitate the conversation that should have happened before he decided the relationship was over. My rabbi has continuously reminded me that Dovid knows how to contact me if he wanted to reach out again and that it’s not my place to initiate. However, I fear that Dovid doesn’t have the tools within him to conjure up the courage and strength necessary to make the call because of his self-deception.
I continue to daven and hope that if it’s part of Hashem’s plan it will happen. Any advice on how to proceed?
Thanks, Shira
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
The Rebbetzin
Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.
Shira, I am very troubled by your letter. You say outright that Dovid suffers from self-deception, poor communication, and lack of courage and strength. Yet you want to pursue a relationship with him and seem to want our advice on how to reach out to him as you “have an intuition” that we will end up together.
Consider this: perhaps you are deceiving yourself and are not hearing what he is telling you. Maybe you lack courage and strength to face the fact that he is not interested in pursuing a future with you.
You are right that he probably should have told you he is breaking up with you and held a conversation about it. Perhaps things were not progressing for him in the same way they were progressing for you. Maybe you were not a few short weeks from getting engaged.
You need professional help. It’s a matter of understanding yourself, not psychoanalyzing the other person based on your intuition and you wanting to get engaged. Learn and explore healthy relationships, identity, and communication. Commit to sustained therapy while you daven for clarity in working out your own issues.
The Shadchan
Michelle Mond
Shira, what you are experiencing is very normal, albeit very painful. It is heart-wrenching to go out with a guy, connect deeply, envision a future together, daven and daydream of rings and roses only to have the entire relationship reduced to ash, silence, and memories. The pain that goes along with a breakup is traumatic, with serious lingering effects. My heart goes out to you. It is very hard to un-imagine a future together with someone once you have. This was a normal part of the dating process which was close to engagement and led in your case to a dead end.
You say you have an intuition that you will end up together, and the thought that he might not have the courage to reintroduce the idea makes you worry. First, you must recognize the fault in this. You may have intuition but you do not have the foresight to know who you will, in fact, marry. Your intuition is coming from the feelings you had during a relationship that was unfortunately one-sided. Whether or not his reason for ending things was founded or appropriate, the bottom line is he ended it with you. The daydreams of a life with Dovid must end, though it will be very hard. It is a lot easier to imagine Dovid coming back than to imagine starting over with someone new. But for the sake of this new someone, it is what you must do.
I remember dating a guy seriously before I met my husband. Things were going in a very quick direction towards engagement, and there was no reason to see any other outcome happen. As hashgacha and Hashem had planned, he was not the one. After a mental breakdown and a long discussion with R’ Shaya Ostrov, the boy and his therapist concluded that he was not “fit for dating material for at least another year.” It ended through his rav, and I never spoke to him again.
I admit to having thoughts similar to yours, “OK, so I’ll wait a year until he’s ready, no big deal. I’m sure he’ll come back.” But as soon as I resigned myself to Hashem being my Shadchan and that relationship clearly not being the one, Hashem made a date with my husband appear. The rest, as they say, is history.
Work on moving forward for the sake of your true bashert, and file Dovid’s memory in the cabinet labeled “Not Good Enough For You.” That is a much safer place to store his memory than “The Right One Who Got Away.”
The Single
Rivka Weinberg
Shira, your positive outlook and ability to turn to Hashem during this difficult time in your life is inspiring. I appreciate your use of the word “hope,” as many people confuse hope with expectation. There’s an increased level of emotional maturity in having high feelings of hope without allowing that to impact your expectation. With regard to your intuition, hold onto it. Keep in mind that intuition doesn’t force us to act, rather, it forces us to pay attention.
You mentioned Dovid said his friends in similar situations “appeared” to be more excited than he was. In shidduchim, many people are infatuated, either because they aren’t aware of it or because it’s easier than facing the natural fears involved in dating. You and Dovid could’ve been in a healthy relationship that wasn’t built on fear, but because of the infatuated-filled environment he found himself in, he allowed that to cloud his judgment.
Your rabbi has a great point – don’t reach out to Dovid. You want to be in a relationship with someone who is excited to be there, and you shouldn’t have to force that excitement upon him. You can continue to hope that he conjures up the courage to reach out, but you deserve more than to be dating someone who doesn’t have that strength.
You sound like an incredible girl who has her head on straight and if Dovid doesn’t have the tools within him to realize what he’s missing out on, then maybe it’s not as shayach as you think.
With these new realizations about Dovid’s communication style and what sounds to be an increased level of emotional intelligence, I wonder if
you would still be interested in dating him if he were to return. Whether he reaches out again or not, remember that Hashem specifically had you date Dovid at that time.
I heard that the Rugachuger Rebbe, zy”a, would pay shadchanus to every individual who set him up because he believed each date was an opportunity to learn about himself and how relationships work. Take this time to learn from your relationship with Dovid and continue working on yourself to become the kli you need to be to accept your zivug at the right time.
To the singles reading this – relationships are built on vulnerability, and as scary as that may sound, you need to step out of your comfort zone for that connectivity to take place. Although we are only hearing Shira’s narrative of the story, don’t be like Dovid. Don’t self-sabotage what sounds to be a healthy relationship because of what appears to be going on with others around you. Dovid, and all of those in his shoes, I encourage you to be honest and look deep within yourself. Did you really end the relationship because of the lack of excitement, or was it because you feared taking the next step? Are you currently telling stories convincing yourself you made the right decision? If it’s the latter, I strongly recommend you find the courage to speak with a rebbe or therapist to work through the fears preventing you from progressing in a relationship. Only then will you be able to reach out to Shira with integrity and allow yourself the joy of building the healthy and enduring relationship we all deserve.
The Zaidy In Greek mythology, l’havdil, there is the story of Apollo and Daphadmonishing a young man who was helplessly in love with a woman who ne; Japan has its legend of the Bleed- didn’t care for him at all. He advised Dr. Jeffrey Galler ing Heart flower. him to stop being miserable, and ac-
You are in love with someone who In more modern times, German cept, instead, that his love would nevis not in love with you. Get over author von Goethe penned the sto- er come to fruition. He wrote: it. Move on with your life. ry of the doomed, despondent lov- If of herself she will not love,
You can spend the rest of your er in Sorrows of Young Werther, Nothing can make her; days feeling miserable and wallowing and French writer Victor Hugo The devil take her. in self-pity, or you can accept reality. wrote about the sad, one-sided love And, Shira, please follow the ad-
Note that throughout history, that Eponine had for Marius in Les vice of the more contemporary Gary every culture has stories or myths Misérables. None of these stories Lewis, who sang in 1965: about unrequited love. Remember have happy endings. Forget him if he doesn’t love you poor Mother Leah, who’s love for It would be helpful for you to Forget him if he doesn’t care… Yaakov was never fully reciprocated, follow the advice of British poet Sir ‘Cause he can’t give you love or, mighty Samson, who’s love for De- John Suckling, who wrote, Why So which isn’t there. lilah was rewarded with catastrophic Pale and Wan Fair Lover? He was Instead of praying to Hashem for betrayal. a love that isn’t meant to be, thank Hashem for ending your relation-
Pulling It All Together
what everyone The Navidaters deserves! It is now Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists time to turn your focus away from Dovid to yourself. I want you to sit quietly
Dwith the following ear Shira, said that questions for your-
A breakup is a loss. It is the death his friends approaching self, when you have some of a relationship, an envisioned engagement are more excit- quiet time: shared future, and the painful reality ed. You also mentioned that How did Dovid leaving me that you will not be seeing this person Dovid may be deceiving himself. make me feel? any longer. You care very much for Dovid and How do I feel when I think about
Breakups are devastating. Break- are hopeful that he will reach out, and what Dovid did? ups that happen suddenly and seem- you have an intuition that you will be What does my intuition tell me ingly “out of the blue” are shocking together. Continue to follow your about Dovid’s actions? and traumatic. I am so sorry that rabbi’s advice and do not reach out to Do I want to be in a relationship you’re going through this. It hurts. Dovid. Dovid is not ready to be with with someone who would leave me And it can take quite some time to you, or there is the good possibility out of the blue? heal. We can’t stop normal feelings that he does not want to be with you. Would I want this for my best from transpiring… so whatever you’re If he could be with you, or he wanted friend or sister? feeling is most likely what is unfortu- to be with you, he would make it hap- What do I deserve? nately par for the course. A broken pen. But he isn’t making it happen. How do I want to be treated? heart needs time to heal. I know this hurts so much. The sil- What do I think a healthy rela-
I am glad that you have confided in ver lining is that he told you this now, tionship looks like? your rabbi and that he has given you before a wedding and a family. You What would it mean to be in a the right advice, which is not to reach deserve to be with someone who is go- relationship with someone who once out to Dovid. It is easy to understand ing to be so crazy about you! Some- left me out of the blue? why your thoughts naturally focus on one who makes it clear that he feels How might I feel about that? what Dovid might be thinking. Dovid like the luckiest guy on earth! That is We are going to shift your focus
ship before you got engaged, or got married, or had children.
It’s time for you to face reality and move on.
from Dovid to you. Dating and relationships are full heartache and pain until we find the one. Most of the time, we can write someone off and not think twice. But every now and then, we get our hearts broken. And anyone who has had a broken heart knows that ache. The sadness. The longing. The painful crying.
Every relationship we have helps us evolve into the beautiful, whole people we were always meant to become. When someone leaves us out of the blue, it can take away our sense of safety and stability and can leave us dumbfounded and finding it hard to trust. It can also leave us trying to figure out how to get the person back. We find our safety and sense of control in the lessons we learn about ourselves and life from the relationship.
Only you know if you’re ready to date. If you are focused on Dovid, and not yet yourself, you may not be ready to date and may want to consider taking some time off while you process your feelings, mourn the relationship, and truly move on…. Please believe that you will.
Sincerely, Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 516-224-7779, ext. 2. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email thenavidaters@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
