Parenting Pearls

Recognizing Parental Limitations

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

There is a lot that goes into writing a weekly article for such a fine publication as TJH. Much time is spent writing, editing, and then editing some more. I try to look at each article from many different angles including accuracy and clarity. One of those angles is how will parents perceive the information. One of my concerns is that parents shouldn’t feel overwhelmed or inadequate when reading the various ideas presented. Parents are hardworking people who love their children and naturally want to do all they can for the little people in their life. It’s tempting to try to implement everything we see and hear or simply feel bad when we can’t add something to our parenting repertoire. I felt that striking this balance is a topic worthy of an article all its own. I also want to help avoid some of the potential guilt parents are experts at experiencing.

Continuous personal growth

This is not to say that taking on new things or improving ourselves is a bad idea. I happen to think personal growth is important. It’s crucial to continuously grow not only as a person but as a parent as well.

The more experienced we are, the more we can appreciate new techniques and implement new methods. We have 40 days on the Jewish calendar dedicated to self-reflection with a goal towards future improvement. We don’t fast and cry on Yom Kippur with the hopes that we can repeat the same sins again the next year!

In many ways, I view parenting as a form of personal growth. I see parenting as not only raising my children but also raising myself. When I get up in the middle of the night to soothe a crying child, I am doing it to take care of that child’s needs, but I’m also learning to become a more giving and patient person. It takes a lot of self-control to smile at anybody at 3 a.m. You only build those muscles of personal growth by exercising them frequently – something kids make us do all the time! On many occasions, I’ve looked at parenting as another means for my own growth, and this has made it a bit easier to do the challenging job of parenting the way it needs to be done – with love and a smile.

Personal growth, like everything in life, requires balance. I can’t tell you what your personal balance should be, as each person has their own. What I can say is that recognizing and respecting that balance is important. If we take on too much, we often end up with nothing. There are many stories of our tzaddikim that describe the tzaddik’s big goals for the upcoming year; often those goals seem humble, yet they chose a modest goal they knew they could keep. Real growth comes in baby steps. I’m not particularly an expert in this topic but everything I’ve written in this paragraph is pretty standard.

Nobody does it all

Really, nobody does it all. I don’t do it all, and all well-balanced people I know aren’t doing it all. If you ask those who are “doing it all,” they will tell you what they cut out so they can do what they are doing.

I never expect anybody to take on everything I write in an article. As an example, if I write ten ways to make yom tov more special, you are not realistically expected to take on all ten or even five. It’s important to bear in mind that the ideas mentioned in such an article were likely developed over close to two decades of parenting during yom tov. Any given idea was probably implemented at some point during those decades – not all at once. You have to see what will make the biggest improvement for your family and what you can most realistically do at any given time.

Balance is key. Let’s stay with the yom tov example for now. There are families that will make new dishes every year and the table is full of dish after dish that is fancier than the previous ones. I’ve also heard of people who will make yom tov special by making one new dish for the meal while everything else is familiar and easy. Many families try the first option and fail or are over-stressed. Other families try the second option, and the adults can come to the table without collapsing. If you can calmly do the first option and smile as you go, then that’s fabulous. If you can’t, then reevaluate. If you do the first option calmly, then please invite me for lunch.

For example, it’s important to spend time with your child but do it in a way that works for you. If you like games, then play games; if you hate games, then don’t play games. Choose something you’ll enjoy and maintain. Don’t decide to play games, do a puzzle, shoot hoops and then bake cookies. Doing what you can and doing it with serenity and happiness is more important than taking on more with misery.

Recognizing limitations

It’s important that everyone acknowledges their own limitations. We all have the point beyond which we can’t do more; past that is the point we simply break. Too often, it’s tempting to take on one more task or do one more thing and that’s what pushes us past our breaking point. Limitations can be due to many factors: time, health, finances, stress or emotional factors. Any of these are valid points that should be taken into consideration when deciding whether or not to take on something new.

I personally feel this is important because sometimes taking on something extra can mean you lose what you already have. As an example, choosing to dedicate 20 minutes of one-on-one time with each child each evening is a beautiful idea. If it means you are not eating dinner or you’re feeling so overwhelmed that you can’t enjoy it, then you really haven’t gained that much. Spending time with a child and feeling resentful isn’t going to build that loving bond. Alternatively, you can give each child one 20-minute time slot in the week, a different child each evening or you could hold off until you have a little more time. If we take on too much,

such as in the above example, we may lose more than we gain.

Kids want many things, and those things tend to be expensive. This is on top of the many expenses we already have. It can be very hard to say “no” – both because we want to give them everything and because kids can be very persistent. It’s important to recognize what our budget can and can’t hold. As a side point, it’s also not emotionally healthy for a child to receive every expensive (or even inexpensive) item he/she wants, but that’s another topic.

Emotional limitations are very real and shouldn’t be ignored just because nobody else can see them. To be honest, when we’re overwhelmed and stressed, others can tell so it’s not as invisible as we like to think. We are not doing any favors for our kids if we burn out. Yes, they may get what they want now, but ultimately everyone loses.

Be very honest with yourself and recognize what your emotional limitations are. That is a terrible breaking point to reach and nobody can give you back your sanity. An overstressed parent will yell, cry, or cease to function well.

Up until now, I mentioned not taking on something new. Now I’d like to focus on what to do if you already have too much. Sometimes doing too much means you don’t do anything fully or do anything well. It can be helpful to take a step back and temporarily eliminate unnecessary distractions in our life. I’ve done it when necessary, and it can be really helpful. Sometimes removing one or two things can make everything easier and create a calmer, more loving parent. Using the yom tov example mentioned above, I have switched to very simple menus when necessary. One yom tov was the “salad yom tov,”

Doing what you can and doing it with serenity and happiness is more important than taking on more with misery.

when almost every side was a salad. The menu was a surprising hit. I have often lessened my expectations for what I should be accomplishing, whether it was simpler or fewer mishloach manos, dropping more labor intensive kiddush/simcha items, or fewer pages of math on a given day (shhhhh, don’t tell).

As I finished writing this article, I wondered if this was perhaps not a parenting topic. Then I remembered that this is a major topic of discussion at homeschooling conferences. The more a parent takes on, the greater their responsibility to guard that balance.

Our lives are more hectic than ever, kids are taking turns quarantining, and we as parents need to constantly reevaluate our personal needs to be there both for others and for ourselves. By respecting our needs, we can be there for those who need us most. Additionally, we are teaching our children an important lesson in respecting their own needs as well.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.