Jerk November 2016

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Don't Jerk, vote.


JERK THIS What you should hit up or bitch about this month.


21 +/Apple-sauced





SEX Two's a crowd, three's a party


FRAMED Le Meilleur Des Temps Partie Un




Co-Operative Cuse 24 Socialism is a four letter word in today's political climate but its not as scary as it seems. Ron Ehrenreich and the Syracuse Real Food Co-Op show the inner workings of the much feared "socialist influence" in the community.


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Eighteen-year-old Tyshawn Lemon was the 19th homicide victim in Syracuse this year. Gun violence is a national issue, but every community is affected by it differently and has its own individuals advocating for change. Enter Lepa Jones, president of Mothers Against Gun Violence, and Eddie Mitchell, founder of Team A.N.G.E.L., two Syracuse activists working toward a vision of a less violent community.

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Cover Design by Michelle Abrams Photography by Ally Moreo


AMPLIFIED Petite League


SYNAPSE "No Thanks" Giving

Switching Gears How a Syracuse man transformed an abandoned factory into a creative haven.

Nude for You We got you in your birthday suit.


Two wrongs don't make a right in American politics.


A Step Behind Without ramps, SU’s Greek houses are stuck in the past.

DISCOVERSYR Nick and Angelo’s Ristorante


SPEAKEASY Hani Sulieman




CLOSET CASE They say the eyes are the window to the soul, but it’s actually the beard.


FORM AND FUNCTION How to Dress Like a Fuckboi

Today, Barbie comes in an array of colors, shapes and sizes, reflective of the diverse melting pot our country is. In an ode to vintage, we go with berets, brooches, and brassieres. In this issue the mod Barbie gets a face lift fit for 2016. 20


Party Crashers


Just Eat It What the fuck did you eat last night?


REWIND The 80s

Barbie's Dead 38

Triggering Change 48

NO JUDGMENT Britney Spears



Sugar Rush An SU student tells the story of meeting her former sugar daddy.


Check Your Fear Students need to be educated on the risks that come with studying abroad. 'Cuseland of Opportunity SU has the opportunity to make city high school students want to stay in school


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Let's Go Back in Time Susanna Heller EDITOR IN CHIEF

Eric King

Gigi Antonelle

Diana Steinmetz







Aidan Meyer WEB EDITOR Leah Strassburg ASST. WEB EDITOR Tanya David ASST. WEB EDITOR Marylin Musterait ASST. WEB EDITOR Ellie Breslin ASST. WEB EDITOR Bridget Whitfield ASST. WEB EDITOR Olivia Bosar WEB DESIGNER Jena Salvatore PHOTO EDITOR Chaz Delgado SOCIAL EDITOR Jordan Cramer SOCIAL EDITOR Jensen Cannon DIGITAL INTERN Emily Kelleher


Michelle Abrams Jordana Rubin, Erin Reeves, Sami Albert, Minjung Kim, Melanie Dujmich, Liz Coulbourn, Darcy Feely, Tay Lotte, Sam Reimnitz. DESIGN DIRECTOR DESIGNERS


Madelyn Minicozzi Hannah Meader STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS Kasey Lanese, Fiona Lenz ILLUSTRATORS Erin Reeves, Alena Sceusa, ILLUSTRATION DIRECTOR



Anagha Das Rachel Young, Larry Stansburry, Olivia Berger, Brooke Tanner, Liam Keyek, Hadassah Lai, McKenna Murtha COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR PR REPRESENTATIVES



Esmeralda Murray Christina Tornetta


CONTRIBUTORS Maddie Buckley, Rachel Sandler, Rashika Jaipuriar, Sarah Epelman,

My Bat Mitzvah came at the apex of my awkward stage: my smile was eclipsed by braces bound by rubber bands and I wore an ill-fitted dress that was—surprise—pink. We held the reception at a catering hall in my hometown that was razed and replaced with a CVS within the year. L’chaim. I would like to tell you more about the awful music my five friends and I danced to in kb socks when our half-inch heels became too painful, but in order to preserve my sanity, I have blocked out the whole experience from my memory. In any case, I’ve gotta feeling that this issue of Jerk will be one to remember. Incidences of gun violence in Syracuse have increased consistently over the past three years. On page 48 you’ll meet Lepa Jones and Eddie Mitchell— two local activists who have been personally affected by gun violence. Then, on page 52 we bring you the content you’ve always craved: a comprehensive guide for blackout bingeing. Finally, on page 67 we delve into the mysteriously inner workings of the fuckboi.

Patty Tehrune, Julia Olteanu, Kathryn Krawczyk, Nicole Engleman, Kyle Stevens, Mary Catalfamo, Rachel Lockhart, Madeleine Colette Fournier, Ally Moreo, Stephanie Peter, Helen Kim, Aaron Kassman, Brittany Dick, Kay Thomas, Yoori Jee, Flora Chen, Tori Thomas, Gabby Jones, Madeline Hofmaier, Xiang Wei, Bobby Davison, Sam Reimnitz, Erofili Moraiti, Prena Dadlani, Tate Horan, Terrell Drayton, Brian Hamlin, Eric Fray, Peter Morrissey


Chris Sechler Adham Sharkawy ASST. MULTIMEDIA EDITOR Ryan Harper ASST. MULTIMEDIA EDITOR Amber Ragunas

The year was 2008. The spring was unusually cold. Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put A Ring on It)” had not yet hit the Billboard Hot 100. My younger brother and I religiously watched the Jersey Shore on MTV, despite living in North Jersey and disavowing everything the show stood for. Against all common sense, my hair was middle parted and streaked with an unadvisable blond. And on the day of my hotpink-themed Bat Mitzvah, I wore it piled atop my head in a Snooki-style, mile-high poof.

I’m happy to say that this soulless Jerk has not worn or associated with such an offensive shade of pink in eight years. I’ve effectively erased all evidence of my Bat Mitzvah, and I’m not sorry about it.




Now let me see you do the "Cupid Shuffle,"

Melissa Chessher

Through its content, Jerk is dedicated to enhancing insight through communication by providing an informal platform for the freedom of expression. The writing contained within this publication expresses the opinions of the individual writers. The ideas presented in this publication do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Jerk Editorial Board. Furthermore, Jerk will not be held responsible for the individual opinions expressed within. Submissions, suggestions, and opinions are welcomed and may be printed without contacting the writer. Jerk reserves the right to edit or refuse submissions at the discretion of its editors. Jerk Magazine is published monthly during the Syracuse University academic year. All contents of the publication are copyright 2016 by their respective creators. No content may be reproduced without the expressed written consent of the Jerk Editorial Board.

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We may not give a shit about your feedback, but we always read it. Keep the hate mail coming. It sustains our life force.

Contributors Photography by Hannah Meade and Aaron Kassman

RACHEL SANDLER / Junior / How Sweet It Is To make this junior’s day, whose friend described her as a “drag queen scholar,” talk Ru Paul to her in Her spirit animal is Bilbo the Newhouse corgi. And her dirty secret: she jams to Ariana Grande on the reg. Her favorite magazine is What the Health, but we guess we’ll forgive her. Check out her feature on SeekingArrangement. com on page 28. APRIL 2016 VOL XIX ISSUE XI • SYRACUSE NEW YORK YOUR STUDENT FEE



SHOW US SOME LOVE Jerk Magazine 126 Schine Student Center Syracuse, NY 13244

This film major swapped her role behind the camera to in front of it for a day when she modeled for this issue’s fashion shoot on page 38. A good way to lose this NYC native’s trust forever is to perpetually smile—she’s can’t be bothered with fakeness.


TORI THOMAS / JUNIOR / Rewind Mind your manners and chew with your mouth shut, please. Thomas could definitely live without hearing your slurping sounds. If you’re looking to court this junior illustration major, the key to heart is showering her with mini aliens and bulldog puppies. On page 58 she rewinds back to the 80s.



Growing up, Kassman wanted to be President of the U.S., but now he’d settle for trying out the role of Chancellor for a day. It’s a good thing the freshman history major isn’t superstitious, because on page 62 he photographs the haunted Nick and Angelo’s Ristorante.

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21+/Finding Your Power: Paintings by Robert Shetterly


Lil Wayne at Onondaga Community College Nov. 18 This year's mantra: anyone is better than Fetty.

Through Nov. 12 Head to ArtRage Gallery to see portraits of courageous activists.

Moana Nov. 23 A Disney cartoon that's not about white people? With songs by Lin-Manuel Miranda? Is this real life?

The Weeknd's New Album, Starboy He no longer looks like a palm tree

Doctor Strange Nov. 4

Presidential Election Nov. 8 Giant Meteor 201.

Nov. 7 The cooking show we didn't know we needed

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them Nov. 18

ends Nov. 10 For $30, you can spend the night with what we can only imagine is a crowd weirder than Sadler dining hall.

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It's not the battery acid pushed by Bud Light à la Lime-a, Strawb-er, and Mang-oh-my-god-no-rita. You have leftover apple cider since you bought a gallon a Beak and Skiff—why did you buy a gallon?!—and you're out of chasers. What do you do? Jerk is giving you the late-fall cocktail of your fever dreams: the Cider-rita.

Shit we like to avoid

Oh look, a desperate attempt to extend a long-dead movie franchise. It's Eddie Redmayne to the rescue, at least he's not playing a trans woman.

Kendall Jenner's Birthday Interactive Mystery Dinner Theatre: The Sound of Murder

Hit up the Landmark Theater and pretend like you know what the fuck an IPA is.


The only thing stranger than this is the fact that they had to make a movie for it.

Because who doesn't want to meet the designer of the High Line in Manhattan?

Nov. 19

Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party

Photography by Hannah Meader

Nov. 10

New York Craft Brewers Festival

Nov. 25

Shit we like

James Corner Lecture at SU


Nov. 3 Princess Kendall is turning 21—sounds like another excuse for the Kardashians to show off their money and get trashed.



1 tablespoon cinnamon 1 tablespoon sugar 1 cup ice 3/4 cup apple cider 1 shot tequila Splash Grand Marnier

Mix the cinnamon and sugar together on a small plate. Wet the rim of the glass with cider and place the rim down on the plate, coating it in the mixture. Pour ice, cider, tequila, and Grand Marnier into the glass. Drink with abandon.


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TOTALLY UNSCIENTIFIC POLL What We're Getting Off To On The Web This Month

JERKMAGAZINE .NET We know you have it bookmarked, but just in case.

Jerk on the SULA

Drunk Food Reviews

Memes are great. Sending a sarcastic meme to your significant other is a great way to let them know you’re pissed without the vulnerability of actually telling them how you feel. Another win for the millennials. Whether you ironically look at memes in your free time or scroll through them at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday with no self control, Jerk’s got you covered. We talked to 100 basement-dwellers in Bird Library about the dankest of the dank.



a) E h, I use them sometimes, but only in an ironic way.

53% b) Hell yeah! Lipton Kermit for life! 13%

Jerk on the SULA: Jerks Brendan and Caley are California dreamin’ this semester at the SU Los Angeles program. In this video, the pair gives us a reality check on what is really happening at the compoung where television, radio, and film majors go "abroad."

c) Memes are vile pieces of online waste. So no, I do not.


Jerk’s multimedia team gathered the bravest souls on campus to taste test lesser-known local deplorables—after getting them drunk first. Acropolis shrimp basket, anyone? Check out the video to see their inebriated reactions, from mild to wild.

42% 20%

b) Arthur: Everybody loves a good fisting!


c) SpongeGar: Let’s keep it real, this is everyone after No-Shave November anyway.


Queer Rap

A Modest Proposition

Rap has historically been a black art form, but there is an underlying taboo around black rap artists who identify as queer. Even though their lyricism and music is strong and usually innovative, these artists do not get the respect and admiration as their cisgender, heteronormative counterparts. Check out this article to learn more about the intersectional artists that are positively disrupting the game.

Pick off those hanging chads and rewatch Julianne Moore’s most poignant 1 performance to 1 season! Sadly, date, Game Change: It’s voting this election, some citizen’s ballots are longer than other’s. Read about California’s role as a mecca for public propositions, like legalizing weed, how more states like New York could benefit from them, making it all the easier to vote DTBH—Down The Ballot, Hunny.

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a) Harambe: #dicksout since May 28th

d) "You vs. the guy she tells you not to worry about”: Perfect for when we all need that little bit of motivation to up our game


25% 20% 24% 14%

a) Picture of Pete Sala with caption “Build the Promenade they said… Students will love it they said…” b) T he Whitman Dean with “Thug Life” sunglasses and a joint c) S tock photo of student smiling with caption “Newhouse student complains the most after test… Still gets 98” d) P hoto of Success kid with caption “goes to dining hall… actually finds good food”


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Two's company, THREES A PARTY We asked our readers for their weirdest stories about the

triangle of tantra—that's a threesome—and here's what we got.

Illustration by Stephanie Peter


Last summer I was staying on the Upper West Side with my friend who goes to Barnard. I log onto Grindr and see that this couple had messaged me. We met for a cocktail first—they really wined and dined me, sampling if you will, before going back to their apartment. We got steamy in the shower, frisky on the bed, and then afterwards we went out for a full Italian dinner. I mean, it was a “sugar couple,” really. I saw them a couple times after that for post-coital sushi


During winter break sophomore year I was bored and horny, so I was looking for some holiday fun. Who do I meet but a Syracuse alum who was home for the holidays as well. Both unable to host, we decided to rent a motel room for some festive anal penetration. Upon arrival, I walked in on someone else fucking him. The three of us then participated in several rounds of sex. At the end of our fuck session, the alum says, “I thought I was going to hate you. Let me know if you ever need an internship.” I took him up on the offer and spent my summer working in the same office as him. You know what they say: It’s not the grades you make, it’s the dicks you take.


I had developed a “fuck buddy” relationship of sorts with a Daddy who seemed to have his shit together. He was a lawyer, owned a house, and had children—yikes. One evening he invited me over for some casual threesome fun. Before we started, he told us about how he was recently arrested and laid off for driving across the country to smuggle drugs. Not just any drugs: Fucking CRYSTAL METH. I was frozen in fear. The pair began to undress and try to kiss me. I lied and said I was tired and got the fuck out of there. This past summer, I turned on the news to see a breaking story on a drug bust of the Daddy’s house in which they found $80,000 of crystal meth. This man is not in jail.

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Le Meilleur des Temps Partie Un Madeline Hofmaier Senior, Fashion Design "I am in the works of developing my senior collection. Having always been obsessed with the way in which human interaction is conveyed in art, photography, and film, I have decided to translate this theme through my collection. As individuals, we are made up of different personal experiences created by the people we surround ourselves with. Whether they stay or leave, the impact they had becomes a part of who you are."

To showcase your work in Framed, email


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PA R T Y CRASHERS Our two-party political system is polarized beyond repair, money gets the final word, and we did it to ourselves. By Patty Terhune : Illustration by Brittany Dick Politics: Can’t live with it, can’t live without it, unless we all agree that we are okay with living in a dystopian novel. The U.S. has a long and rich history of politics that I won’t try to generalize within a few hundred words, but I do recommend at least listening to the Hamilton soundtrack. This election year leads us to another ground-breaking moment within the history of U.S. politics: two major candidates with the lowest favorability in Gallup polling history. While polling data cannot be blindly trusted—something everyone who shares SurveyMonkeys on Facebook with no thought to inherent sampling biases definitely needs to hear—Gallup is a pretty reputable surveying company. This, at the very least, shows that there is a problem. Data from the American National Election Studies indicates that the two major parties are now polarized on more issues than they ever were. While it was once common to have one main, divisive issue, say slavery, these days political parties are divided over how they feel about everything under the sun, from bathrooms to gun restrictions. In this election cycle, according to the Pew Research Center, the two most important issues for voters are the economy and terrorism. There are a lot of ways to deal with issues like these, but the current two-party system only operates under two possible solutions. And sometimes, like in the case of Donald Trump suggesting sexual assault is minor wrongdoing compared to ISIS’s

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violence, the solutions don’t even make sense. What’s the one thing that can unify such a divided system? Money, baby. For those of you who have avoided an explanation of the Citizens United ruling for this long, I am about to corrupt your world. Basically, the Supreme Court ruled in the Citizens United v. Federal Elections Committee case that corporations should have the same freedoms as people. By that ruling, corporate political spending is legal under the First Amendment—you know, freedom of speech, freedom of religion, and freedom to bribe elected officials to vote in your company’s best interest despite what their constituents want. The catch is that corporations and unions cannot give money to a candidate outright. This is where super PACs come in. A PAC is a Political Action Committee, and a super PAC is what happens when one gets bit by a radioactive spider and can raise unlimited amounts of money. PACs have become a quick and dirty way of funneling money to candidates’ pockets and ensuring that these candidates are in the pocket of the corporation that donated to them. This election cycle, super PACs have left us with one candidate very much entwined with private interest groups. Moreover, showing that corporations don’t deserve the political benefits they reap, you see her opponent bragging about not paying taxes for 21 years because of tax breaks, despite bankrupting his companies four times.

So, why don’t we give more time and attention to third party candidates if these two major candidates are corrupt? Tim Byrnes, a professor at Colgate University, in the Aug. 12 episode of Ivory Tower about third party candidates, says that “the electoral college forces us into a two-party system. You’ve got to get 270 electoral votes to win... They’re drawing votes away from people who we would actually want if they looked at the two [major candidates].” Essentially, if Gary Johnson, who failed to even make the debate stage, were to pull votes away from Hillary, he would just decrease the number of votes Donald Trump would need to beat her. Change is futile. That said, a system where every candidate has an equal opportunity to win would only be possible if we did away with the electoral college. As Byrnes says, if we chuck the electoral college and switch to a popular vote, we could have “six, eight, 14 electoral parties and people [could] actually support candidates that they feel strongly about. But as long as we have the electoral college, voting for the Gary Johnson or the Jill Stein is [throwing] your vote away.”

Without a coup d’état or electoral college reform, it’s hard to say where we go from here short of stocking up our bunkers with ramen. Politics often becomes a story about corruption, both in money and power. Rather unrealistically, if there were a way to make it not about the money, that would ameliorate some of the major problems. Some mayors don’t earn a salary. Particularly in small towns, it is not uncommon for the mayor to earn the majority of their income via another job. The mayor of Fayetteville works as the Captain of the Fayetteville Fire Department and also serves as the Vice President of Sales Marketing for Gerharz Equipment. I imagine the President of the United States probably gets a little bit more attention than the mayor of a tiny village in Central New York, and this model probably could not be generalized, but when the job becomes more about the service and less about the salary, it is more likely to attract those who want to “do good.” Maybe then we won’t have Crooked Hillary rubbing elbows with Goldman Sachs and Trump refusing to releaseJM his tax returns to show he’s as broke as we are.


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Not everyone can Go Greek! SU’s Greek houses don’t have ramps and exclude people with limited mobility. By Susanna Heller : Illustration by Erin Reeves

As my eyes adjusted to the unseasonably bright October sun, I heard my mother’s labored breath before I could see her silhouette slowly climbing up the three sets of stairs to my sorority house. It took a few minutes for her to make it in the house where she subsequently collapsed into the nearest chair, fumbling in her purse for her inhaler. My mother—whose mobility has been limited for her adult life—cannot walk the length of a city block. Until I was faced with the prospect of Family Weekend and the impossible task of showing my mother my sorority house, I didn’t understand the extent of my sorority house’s inaccessibility. This particular brand of shit show is an unfortunately common experience for many on this campus. Out of the 26 recognized social Greek chapters with houses at SU, 25 facilities are inaccessible. The one fraternity with an accessible house completed retrofitting, among other renovations, this summer. I am proud to be a member of the Greek community and the president of my sorority, but it is frankly unacceptable that our chapter houses are inaccessible for those with limited mobility. Our chapters’ facilities can only be entered via staircases, making them the most ableist—aka discriminatory—buildings on campus, inherently excluding those who aren’t able-bodied.

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The systemic issue of inaccessible Greek houses on this campus makes the already exclusive Greek community impenetrable. Students with mobility limitations are entitled to the same college experience as everyone else, and at SU that means having the opportunity to go through recruitment. But it seems as if you can only “Go Greek” at SU if you are able-bodied and have the cash for dues on hand. While social sororities and fraternities on this campus are more diverse than our counterparts below the Mason-Dixon line, our failure to upgrade our houses to 21st century standards of accessibility is problematic and tethers us to hundredyear-old societal standards that we surpass in all other aspects. We cringe at old photos of fuckbois dressed in black face at themed parties, but simultaneously accept the politically incorrect and insensitive matter of our houses’ inaccessibility as if it were just an indisputable fact of life. Excluding a significant part of our campus community is inexcusable, but we’ve somehow made an excuse for ourselves. You know the old saying: Bros will be bros. Privately-owned sorority and fraternity houses are exempt from the Americans with Disabilities Act under Title III due to their designation as “private clubs.” Steep price tags and selective membership standards—

two characteristics often lauded as elitist—earn them this designation. Additionally, most houses were constructed prior to the ratification of the ADA in 1990—grandfathering them into the system, excessive staircases and all. This logic, which substantiates negative stereotypes about Greek life, is more harmful than it is protective. There have been lukewarm attempts at inclusion. Many chapters’ facilities have ADAcompliant common spaces, bathrooms, and bedrooms on the first floor spacious enough for wheelchairs. Ironically, these same houses still don’t have ramps, which would prevent a person with limited mobility from even entering the house. Suffice it to say, there is room for improvement all around. The solution to this problem is simple: Our houses need ramps, says Diane Weiner, the Director of the Disabilities Culture Center at SU. Not everyone can use stairs, but people of nearly all levels of mobility can use ramps. This upgrade would be costly, but a hefty price tag shouldn’t tether the Greek community to outdated norms. Fraternities and sororities are notoriously funded by members’ dues and alumni donations. There’s always enough money for tissue paper flowers during recruitment, but those funds vanish at the whisper of the words “accessible housing.” Additionally, most chapters have a reserve fund stashed away somewhere for surprise lawsuits. If sororities and fraternities on this campus saw accessibility as a priority, cement for ramps would be poured overnight.

However, it is not the sole responsibility of the 20-year-olds who lead these organizations to solve this problem. SU could and should intervene, as any iteration of accessibility issues on campus is a direct reflection on the university. Northwestern University, one of SU’s peer institutions, mandated ADA-compliant Greek housing in 2011. NU, which owns all Greek chapter facilities, footed the multi-million dollar bill for the ramps and other upgrades. While the houses that line Walnut and Comstock are technically on campus, they are not owned by SU. Weiner thinks that if SU were to lend support to Greek organizations as they strive for accessibilty, it would speak volumes. “We have a ton of people on this campus who really understand why [accessibility] is important and a number of people who still need more education in understanding why everyone deserves a place at the table,” Weiner says. Although I’ve lived in my sorority house for three semesters, my mother has not successfully completed a house tour and probably never will. I am a proud sorority woman, but think it is imperative to recognize that our community, though it has made strides, is nowhere near perfect. Greek life is appealing because it is rooted in tradition, but the tradition of maintaining a hegemonic community of white, affluent, able-bodied, heterosexual, and cisgendered students should be abandoned. At the end of the day, general accessibility should be more important than fighting for the right to party on a Tuesday night.


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Study abroad programs should continue, but students need to be armed with information. By Julia Olteanu : Illustration by Erin Reeves

Syracuse senior Clare Ramirez remembers the French police that stormed into Paris' Indiana Cafe to evacuate everyone just moments after she and her friends sat down to enjoy dinner. Ramirez was studying abroad in London during the Fall 2015 semester, but she was one of 60 SU students that went to Paris the weekend of the Novemeber 13 terrorist attacks. Ramirez's account is horrifying, and illuminates the hatred in the world. In response to the terrorist attacks of the past year–326 victims total across the globe–American universities like the University of California and Texas Tech University have decided to halt their abroad programs in the name of student safety. This decision is the product of a debate between school administrator's, who were concerned on the risks of going abroad, and their desire to produce educated, open-minded students, according to an article that ran in The Atlantic in July. But let’s face it, there are risks whether you choose to study abroad or get wasted at Castle, and schools shouldn’t be giving in to fear and making the executive decisions to stop abroad programs in the name of safety. Following Turkey's July 2016 coup and the ongoing reality of an ISIS presence in that country, SU has only halted its program in Turkey, and counters fear with information. Jenn Horvath, the manager of marketing and communications at SU Abroad says the center’s internationalization initiative encourages students to go abroad at least once, and has a solid emergency system for situations like the Paris attacks. Even when

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it’s for personal travel students are required to fill out an independent travel form that allows SU Abroad to know where they are at all times, and students are strongly encouraged to travel with a working cell phone. They also urge students to sign up for the State Department’s Smart Traveler Enrollment Program, which alerts the department that there is an American citizen traveling somewhere in case of an emergency. The system proved its worth in Paris—after the attack the five European study abroad centers activated their emergency phone tree system, and the 60 students staying in the city that weekend were confirmed safe. On paper, these emergency measures seem sufficient, but no emergency plan can ever be 100 percent foolproof, and being alert, aware, and not on Instagram is about as much as you can do in any situation. Senior Yomidalys Guichardo debated whether to go abroad to Japan or Turkey, but chose Japan after her family voiced their concern due to the current events in Turkey. Before arriving in Japan, Guichardo said SU provided the students with State Department reports. She has never felt unsafe in Hirakata, Osaka, where she has been staying since the

places, "In many e ctually b a l il w u yo e in n you ar safer tha ." America

BITCH beginning of the semester. As crime in normal in her hometown of New York City. “Back home, I would be apprehensive to walk by myself at night. Here, I know that on the rare occurrence that something happens, if I just scream, half of Japan will wake up to see what’s happening. Japan is basically paradise for me,” she says. It all comes down to knowing there are different dangers depending on the environment you’re in. I am a Romanian who has lived in Canada for the past 13 years, and traveled extensively in Europe and around the

globe. I have never been as afraid as I am in Syracuse right now, especially with the constant stream of Department of Public Safety emails. I am extremely apprehensive of my surrounding, but this doesn't mean I quarantine myself in my room every day. Others feel similarily. “In many places you will actually be safer than you are in America," Guichardo says. "We can’t stop living because there is danger somewhere. There’s always danger, whether we are aware of it or not.”


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'Cuseland of Opportunity Syracuse University should support its city's schools beyond signing a scholarship check. By Kathryn Krawczyk


t’s not easy to forget where we go to SU built its downtown Warehouse, started the school. The big orange "S" and the Connective Corridor, and helped establish Say “"Syracuse" it stands for are plastered Yes to Education’s Syracuse chapter. all over campus, passing by on sweatshirts, Say Yes to Education Syracuse is the local and filling row after row at basketball games. chapter of a national nonprofit devoted to But sometimes we forget Syracuse isn’t just a eliminating barriers between students and higher university. It’s a city, too. And this city has more education. It starts early with Kindergarten problems than banning darties. enrichment programs geared torward keeping Take a drive beyond Interstate-81, a literal kids in school. Then, Say Yes partners with divide between campus and the city, and you’ll colleges across New York state to provide tuition see a whole new story. We all joke about being for public high school graduates, including those poor college students, but just by being the in the Syracuse City School District. second part of that phrase—college students— Even though Cantor left SU and the we’re so privileged. Almost 20 percent of university’s focus on the city faded, SU still has Syracuse’s residents don’t even have a high a strong connection with Say Yes, says Ahmed school diploma, according to the United States Turner, the organization’s scholarship director. Census Bureau. And of Syracuse’s 45,000 “We’re very honored that they’re still committed residents in poverty, 44.9 percent didn’t graduate to providing tuition today,” Turner says. high school. About 30-40 students head to SU from This seems like a problem SU is trying to hide Syracuse city schools every year, according to away under its new Carrier Dome roof. Sure, the Turner. SU doesn’t put a limit on the number of University offers scholarships only available to Say Yes scholarships it gives out, and it doesn’t Syracuse City School District students. But with cut off students at a certain income. That sets SU a 55 percent graduation rate overall, according apart—other private schools set these kinds of to the New York State Department of Education, limits—and it’s something the university should most kids in the Syracuse City School District be commended for. don’t even get there. SU is a university and, to an At the same time, kids won’t stay in school extent, it has an obligation to improve education just because they might get a scholarship. in the city it’s named for. Say Yes says ninth grade dropout rates have Over the past two-and-a-half years, Chancellor declined—but about half of Syracuse students Kent Syverud has switched SU’s focus from the still aren’t graduating. If someone wants to drop city back to campus. It’s a stark difference from out, it’s probably not smart to guarantee more former Chancellor Nancy Cantor’s days when school once they’re done. It’s about getting them 22 11.16


to actually want to go to school. That’s the perfect place for SU and its students to step in. SU is home to the School of Education, a school whose students should be looking for every possible way they can help people learn. Underachieving school district, meet aspiring educators. Could the connection be more obvious? SU students have the opportunity to make a difference. And it’s already on the right track with programs like MESH, where SU students work with local students to promote reading, writing, and combining student works into a biannual magazine. Like the Young Black Successful LLC, an organization founded by an SU alumnus and staffed by SU students which held a leadership conference in April to empower Syracuse city students. Like Say Yes to Education. Syracuse City School District students need role models to show them why college is so important. It’s even better when those role models are SU students who come from impoverished backgrounds or the city of Syracuse itself—think successful Say Yes scholars. If SU wants to stop putting the city in the background without burning through cash, they need to get the message out that SU is part of an impovrished community with a lot of problems, but that there are ways to help. Some universities mandate that students vounlteer into the local community, but 'Cuse freshmen hardly hear a peep about the Mary Ann Shaw Center for Public and Community Service. SU devotes more time

to Greek life than it does to student organizations that are actually helping the community. SU needs to combine scholarship and mentorsgip, or high school could be a dead end for local kids. And if that scholarship is to a school that inspired someone to finish high school in the first place, the possibilitiies are endless. When you look around Syracuse, it’s obvious the influence the school has there too: a basketball bumper sticker here, an orange flag there, and Otto’s semblance in a storefront. Students in Syracuse schools look up to SU, and they deserve a chance to get up the hill. JM


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Feeling the reverberations of violence in their own lives, these Syracuse community members are working to end gun violence. By Madeleine Buckley : Photography by Madeleine Buckley and Ally Moreo Brian Rushing was browsing a liquor store with some friends when he heard the news:“some guys were just shooting on May Ave.” Then he heard the sirens. Rushing and his friends jumped into their car and followed the red and blue lights to the house where he’d left his nephew mere minutes before. Pushing through the crowd, he ran to the porch. And there lay his nephew, bleeding and dying. On July 28, Tyshawn “Tink” Lemon, 18, became the third Syracuse homicide victim within that week and the 19th this year. Later that evening, he would be followed by the 20th. While Syracuse crime rates have continued

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to drop over the past decade, gun violence has defied that trend in the last three years. According to the Syracuse Police Department, fatal cases of gun violence have jumped from eight in 2014 to 14 in 2016, as of Sept. 4. Nonfatal cases have also increased from 27 to 75. While the exact cause of this increase can’t be proven, the police department cites gangs and drug sales. Rushing, however, believes the shootings are simply how young men try to prove themselves. "[It's] like a right of passage or a badge of honor," Rushing says. "They end up participating in it to set themselves apart, so that they don't become the hunted ones.”

Lemon didn’t participate. A recent high school graduate with plans to move to Maryland, he attended a career fair the same day he was murdered where he received potential job offers. So far, the police have found no official suspects or motives behind the killing. When he was shot, he was just sitting on his girlfriend’s porch.

her younger son Lameik’s birthday, Jones believes in celebrating the living as well as the dead—she is enthusiastic when talking about MAGV and what the organization does. She refers to the group, which services both mothers and fathers of violence victims, as her “spiritual sisters.”

"He was a truly good kid," Rushing says. “He was one of those kids with that personality that everybody got along with. I know people say that a lot, but he really did…He was good with people. A lot better with people than I was.” Lepa Jones, president of the Syracuse organization Mothers Against Gun Violence (MAGV), echoes his sentiments. Jones, with a solemn voice, nearly tears up at the mention of Lemon’s name. “I had the pleasure of knowing this handsome, amazing, energetic young man,” she says. “That [shooting] touched me.” Lemon’s death “took her back,” reminding her of her own son, Chuck, who was stabbed to death when he was 17 at a Halloween party in 2013. Jones remembers a day when the death of a young person was “stunning, shocking or unbelievable,” as opposed to the “rapid” or even common occurrence it has become. Like others in the city, she has used her loss as a catalyst to fight increase in violence. In addition to MAGV, Jones runs a foundation in memory of her son, called Chuck Season 365, which gives scholarships to seniors graduating from Corcoran High School, where Chuck attended school.Though she speaks often about Chuck and honors him always with a tattoo above her heart, her work reaches much further than her son's memory. “My voice of reason is for all who can’t talk anymore,” she says. “For mothers who might sit silent because they don’t have nothing to say. Chuck Season is because Chuck was my child, but the organization is for all of us. For mothers, siblings, our losses.” Wearing a custom-made T-shirt celebrating

“[Losing a child] is not an experience that you want to take on,” she says. “But being that you have no other choice, I want to say it's a beautiful thing to have these other women there. We are strong. We lift each other when we’re down, we support each other, we come out for other families.” The group also supports similar organizations, such as Team A.N.G.E.L., Avoid Negative Garbage and Enjoy Life, a project created and run by Syracuse resident Eddie Mitchell to help mentor youth. Mitchell, a passionate and charismatic man who grew up in the city, started Team A.N.G.E.L. in 2010. Mitchell fills his office in the Southwest Community Center with boards plastered with photos depicting victims of violence from the past few decades. He, like Rushing and Jones, has personally lost family and friends “to the streets, to the jails, and to the grave.” Mitchell grew up seeing shootouts and other acts of violence, but being shot in the leg himself was his wakeup call. The bullet missed his artery, and he considers himself blessed to be alive.


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SMUT “I could have been a memory,” he says. “I could have been on one of the boards I create. I could have been on a T-shirt. People would come see me when I’m dead on my birthday.” The experience prompted him to help the youth and keep them away from the path toward violence. He created programs for a target age range, 13 to 17. Mitchell puts on special celebrations for holidays—especially Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. He also regularly provides services, like free haircuts, rides to school, and resume printing. On a personal level, he tries to mentor the youth. “My thing is, life is raw and uncut…when you’re outside, there’s no boundaries there,” he says. “There’s no cutoff of what can happen to you in the street and this community. Once you’re dead, you’re dead. Once you’re gone, you’re gone. I tell kids all the time—this is no Pacman game. This is no Grand Theft Auto. This is real life.” Mitchell calls himself a “one-man army,” funding the entire operation out of pocket from two part-time jobs and T-shirt sales. This leaves Mitchell with little for himself, but he doesn’t mind. "You can’t put a price on something a kid needs or a price for a kid to succeed," he says. Mitchell doesn't need to shop for clothes; instead he wears a Team A.N.G.E.L. shirt every day to advertise the group. He recently added a custom-made hat to his ensemble, emblazoned with shiny, inch-high letters spelling out the name of the organization that defines his life.

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Mitchell’s reach has extended past Syracuse. He prizes photo collages of celebrities, from Flo Rida to Bill Clinton, and activists, like Trayvon Martin’s mother, wearing his shirts. Mitchell has worked with Syracuse Mayor Stephanie Miner to get shirts to new, influential people. “I’m a movement for real,” he says. “I’ve got everybody wearing [my stuff]. Kids, babies, grown adults… Anyone that comes to Syracuse has to meet me.” Mitchell also attributes much of his work to God, citing prayer and his faith as the driving factors behind the creation and success of Team A.N.G.E.L. In a biblical way, he refers to himself as a “light when there’s darkness.” “You see so much negativity in the media,” he says. “but they won’t highlight the positive or highlight what’s good… So that’s my thing. You see so much negativity in the community and in the streets that I’m trying to be that light. It’s a struggle.” Faith in God is a main pillar of Jones’ life too, as well as something that helped her deal with the loss of her son. Although she wishes to know the reasoning behind brutal actions, she is free of anger. “God has the final say in all things,” she says. In addition to the work of groups like Team A.N.G.E.L. and MAGV, SPD is taking measures to decrease the violence. According to an emailed statement, the department marks specific areas where violence has noticeably increased and sends more resources and officers to them. When the violence is specifically gang related, they use TRUCE, a program partnering with other agencies like social services and probation officers. They target the specific gang and its associates “in an attempt to pressure them into

stopping their actions.” Jones, however, thinks the end of violence will come from a place of kindness and passion. Though many don’t believe it’s possible, Jones is hopeful about a future without senseless murders. “We must keep giving out positive energy over the negative energy, just hugging and loving on whoever we see…” she says. “We have to control it, we have to stop it, and we have to keep saying enough is enough. We have to be visible. We have to be visible. We have to stand up and stand tall.” And, as Jones pointed out, this issue spreads far beyond Syracuse. According to GunViolence. com, the number of gun-related deaths and incidents of gun violence in the United States both increased from 2014 to 2015. This year alone, there have already been 10,613 gunrelated deaths in the United States. “We are all faced with violence in our own communities,” Jones says. “It’s not just here, it’s worldwide. We are dealing with the same violence, the same pain, the same heartache, the same agony as so many other people." Despite noble actions in the Syracuse community, no actions can reverse Lemon's fate.


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By Rachel Sandler : Illustration by Helen Kim

Websites like help college students find generous benefactors in the form of sugar daddies. One SU senior told Jerk all about the sweet life of a sugar baby.

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Ashley* met him in Franklin Square, about two-and-a-half miles away from the Syracuse University campus, at the beginning of September. He was tall and handsome— exactly like his profile picture on the website he messaged Ashley ona few days earlier. He said he was 28 on his profile, and, to Ashley, he looked it. The pair went for coffee nearby. He told Ashley, a senior in The College of Visual and Performing Arts, about his job as a commercial pilot, which allows him to travel around the country. It was a decent date, Ashely says, even after he told her he didn’t want a typical relationship. He wanted to be her sugar daddy. Sugar daddies are usually wealthy older men who give younger women—sugar babies— financial support in exchange for companionship. Most of the time, this companionship includes sex. This kind of relationship is supposed to be mutually beneficial. Sugar babies like Ashley, get financial security. Sugar daddies—and mommas—get attention and—most of the time— sex from a younger partner. Ashley met the pilot on Seeking Arrangement. com, a prolific sugar daddy website with over 5 million members, according to numbers posted on the site. Seeking Arrangement is like online dating but has different terms and its own set of rules. Sugar daddies and sugar babies make “arrangements,” or a set of guidelines that govern their relationship. Sometimes that involves fixed monthly allowances or gifts in exchange for time spent together. In 2016, the average sugar baby in college got $3,000 per month from sugar daddies, according to Seeking Arrangement data. Seeking Arrangement overtly and directly markets itself toward college students. Over 1 million student sugar babies were on the site in 2016, according to Seeking Arrangement data. The website brands itself as a way to have your

college tuition paid "by a generous sponsor” or a “sugar baby scholarship.” Users who register with a .edu email automatically get a premium account, while those who don’t have to pay membership fees of $20 per month. The site released an entire ad campaign based on the idea of “Sugar Baby University,” a fake university made up entirely of sugar babies. “Diverse extracurriculars help eliminate the dreaded freshman 15,” an actress says in the Sugar Baby University video. “More like freshman 15k.”


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"It was a relationship, but at the end of the day... he did pay for everything." Each year, Seeking Arrangement releases a list of “fastest growing sugar baby schools.” In the past five years, SU has not made the list, even though the number of students overall on Seeking Arrangement has increased since 2012. The colleges and universities consistently at the top are New York University, Georgia State University, and the University of Texas. A spokesperson from Seeking Arrangement said she could not provide exact data about how many SU students are on Seeking Arrangement. After Ashley’s date with the pilot, she told him she wasn’t interested. He was moving to San Diego at the end of month, and Ashley already had a long-distance sugar daddy once before—a 32-year-old lawyer and investment banker from New York City. They saw each other for almost a year, during which he was married but separated from his wife. Even though Ashley met the lawyer on SeekingArrangement, she calls him her exboyfriend, not her ex-sugar daddy. She doesn’t like the word “arrangement.” It feels too clinical. “I see it [Seeking Arrangement] as more

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connection and a way to pay off some students loans. “I’m looking for a mentor and someone I can really get along with.” “Straight up, I have a lot of student loans. Looking for someone to help me out.” “If you’re looking for a prostitute that is NOT me.” Ashley isn’t ashamed about having a Seeking Arrangement account. She’s told a few close friends about it, but she’s afraid not everyone will understand. Even though she doesn’t necessarily view herself as a sugar baby, Seeking Arrangement is, after all, a sugar daddy website and she can’t control what others— including those in her sorority—might think. A few weeks after she ended things with

the pilot, Ashley revealed some of her Seeking Arrangement profile in Marshall Square Mall. She turned her computer and showed her messages. You look hot. "No profile picture,” she says. “That’s weird.” You look beautiful. "Eh.” Hey gorgeous, love your profile. Message me sometime ;) "See, he’s cute,” she tells me. “I might respond to him.” And she does. *Ashley’s name has been changed to protect her privacy.

of a dating site,” she says. “I’ve always been attracted to older men.” She’s not in dire need of money either. But she does like to feel secure and to have nice things—such as designer lingerie and Michael Kors purses, both of which were frequent gifts from her ex. And since he lived in New York City, he would pay for her to come stay with him. He would also pay all of his own travel expenses to visit SU. “It was a relationship, but at the end of the day he did pay for everything,” she says. The language on Seeking Arrangement is careful, always referring to sugar daddy and sugar baby interactions as “arrangements.” They never call it a “transaction,” sex work, or prostitution. There’s even a FAQ page explaining the differences between “sugaring,” which according to the site is a “lifestyle choice” and prostitution. And before making an account, a warning at the bottom says, “If you are an ESCORT, DO NOT use this site.” Most women on the site explicitly say in their profiles that they’re not prostitutes. They say they’re college students looking for a genuine


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shifting gears. Dedicated to keeping people in Syracuse, Rick Destito transformed the old Brown-Lipe Gear Factory into the Gear Factory, a space for artists.

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By Rashika Jaipuriar : Photography by Hannah Meader JERK 10.16 33 •


SMUT A century ago, the Brown-Lipe Gear Factory produced gears for bicycles in Syracuse. Today, that company’s old factory building is a laboratory for innovation. Rick Destito bought the building in 2005, and since then, he’s transformed The Gear Factory into a creative space for artists, musicians, photographers, designers, and entrepreneurs— anyone in the realm of creativity. Surrounding himself with different types of creative people is a constant source of inspiration for Destito. The Gear Factory has been his dream for more than 10 years, and now he’s finally living it. Destito knows that the city of Syracuse has its problems: high levels of poverty, underfunded public schools, and low high school graduation rates. But unlike the masses of people who moved away, he decided to help fix the problems instead of running from them. He started by buying a house for $1—such low prices are common for run-down houses in undesirable neighborhoods. He renovated his $1 house and decided to send his kids to a local charter school. “When I graduated high school in the late 90s, there [were] literally tens of thousands of people leaving because the area wasn’t doing things that people wanted,” Destito says. “If somebody went through that much effort to get away from me, I’d have to say ‘You know what, maybe I need to change something.’” Bryan Boutwell, a San Francisco-based artist, says meeting Destito and working at The Gear Factory in its early days gave him the validation he needed as an artist. For $100 a month, Boutwell rented the entire third floor of The Gear Factory as a recording studio and visual art space. “Rick gave me a huge, kind hand; he knew how much art meant to me,” Boutwell says. “This guy’s not just a landlord. He’s trying to start something. For me, it was the space that really made me realize ‘This is all I want to do.’” Boutwell says Syracuse has the potential to become a more established city, with its cheaper

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rent and proximity to major cities, but because of the “economic topography,” he says it was difficult to earn a good living and raise his son as a single parent. So Boutwell moved to San Francisco, where he can earn $5,000 on a single painting— about five times what his highest sale got in Syracuse. Despite the tough economy, Destito wants to attract more young people to Syracuse, which is why he says that the Gear Factory is undergoing never-ending renovations. One of his ongoing

"he knew how much art meant to me... this guy's not just a landlord." Ryan Boutwell, Gear Factory Alum


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Destito bought the Gear Factor for $144,00 in 2005.

Destito plans on converting the basement into 18 studios. Destito has a passion for rennovation. In 2008, he bought a house he would spend $60,00 and two years revamping

projects is to build micro live-work units. “There’s the opportunity here for a significant amount of growth,” Destito says. “So being younger and coming to a place like this, you can actually help make and shape the place into whatever you want it to be.” As younger people build a life and career in the Gear Factory, they make the space their own and grow with it. “That age group makes cities exciting and vibrant and active and really fun,” Destito says. “One of my main goals is when I’m 90 years old, I want to make sure I don’t forget what it’s like to be young.”

"i want to make sure i don't forget what it's like to be young." Rick destito

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The Gear Factory's windows were once covered by brick. JERK

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Barbie’s Dead Ladies got the wasp waist skirt from the 60s, and little girls got Barbies. It’s undeniable that vintage has made a comeback, but the iconic kitten heels we rock today put us in very different shoes than what 60s housewives wore. Fashion and social conversation have given Barbie’s unopposable knees a run for her money.


Trusha Bhatt Hairol Ma Hayley Greason

Art Direction:

Sam Reimnitz


Erofili Moraiti Prena Dadlani


Terrell Drayton Tate Horan

Bow: Forever 21 $3 Ascot: H&M $2.50 Dress: Forever 21 $25 Brooches: Zara $15

Skirt: Zara $29.90 Necklace: Zara $36 Scarf: Ann Taylor $60 Top: Francesca’s $35

Brassiere: Victoria’s Secret $49.50 Necklace: Iris x Incorporated $39.90 Robe: Victoria’s Secret $49.50

Beret: Zara $23 Top: Zara $30 Jacket: Model’s Own Pants: Ann Taylor $119 Heels: Zara $50 Glasses: H&M $13

Jacket: Model’s Own Shirt: Francesca’s $30 Skirt: Asos $47




NAJA BRAS AND UNDERWEAR PROBLEM: I’m really not trying to look like a slut in this white V-neck, but I can’t help that I have slightly toasted marshmallows for boobs in a “nude” bra.

TRU-COLOURS BANDAGES Illustration by Bobby Davison

PROBLEM: Last weekend I fell somewhere in between Harry’s and nine beers. I woke up to at least 20 Band-Aids my roommate patched on my fucked up knees. I don’t know which was worse: my battle wounds or the fact that they had to be covered up in “generic” tan bandages. My legs looked like they had some weird color-blocking shit going on for over a week. SOLUTION: Tru-Colours has come out with bandages that finally complement your skin. Now you won’t have to look like you have weird spring break tan lines in the middle of November.

SOLUTION: Naja’s Bra and Underwear has made bra and panties for every skin tone. Now you can finally wear that sheer dress for formal, stress-free.

CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN NUDE HEELS PROBLEM: When your pantyhose match your legs but your heels don’t—classic summer internship probs. They say nude heels elongate your legs, but how can I look sexy when it looks like I have a purposeful sock tan? SOLUTION: Make sure you tell Daddy you want nude Louboutins for grad because they'll match your skin tone.

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'CUSE By Nora Horvath Ron Ehrenreich lounges in his corner office on North Salina Street, feet up on a footstool for comfort, discussing political revolution. North Salina is a lower-income neighborhood tucked in an area of Salt City adjacent to the hill, on the other side of Interstate-81. The only students who come around here are looking for De Julio’s Army Surplus Store, hoping to score a new camouflage bandana or T-shirt for the night’s army-themed frat party. In the white-walled room surrounding Ehrenreich, haphazard piles of papers await organization. Stacks of boxes crush one another, and a few empty chairs circle the desk, ready for a meeting to happen. A poster hangs behind Ehrenreich’s head depicting a school of small fish chasing a larger one, with a caption that reads “Hey ho big fish gotta go,” a subtle nod at the political and economic power of large multinational corporations.

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Despite common stereotypes of ultraleft political activists that suggest they’re all Stalinists who think bankers are rotten with greed, Ehrenreich, the founder of Cooperative Federal Credit Union, looks like a plainclothes Santa Claus with his thick salt-and-pepper beard and arms resting atop his plump belly. Although Cooperative Federal was Ehrenreich’s brainchild, here at the co-op, all members are equal. Credit unions appear to be the younger brother of corporate banks, but that does not mean they have less impact on peoples' lives than corporate financial companies. Since Cooperative Federal’s inception in the late 1970s, it has lent more than $115 million to people in the Syracuse community, and 64 percent of those people were first-time homebuyers, many of whom did not qualify for a loan from a traditional corporate bank. Several popular Syracuse businesses would not exist today

if not for financing from Cooperative Federal, including Beer Belly Deli and Koinonia Organic Juice Bar, both student favorites near Westcott Street. Despite these obvious financial successes, Ehrenreich, who once ran for U.S. vice president on the Socialist ticket in 1988, never set out to get into finances. Instead, dreaming of a world where socialist ideas ran deeper in society, he stumbled upon credit unions while learning about economic equality. “Wasn’t it Karl Marx who said, ‘It’s the economy, stupid?’” Ehrenreich says, his waistline shaking as he laughs. In addition to local businesses, families and individuals have felt the positive impact of having a credit union in the community. “Cooperative Federal gave us the mortgage to buy our house,” Mark Rupert, author of Producing Hegemony and a political science professor at SU says. “Their mission is to make credit available for people that might not else get it and to gather the resources of the community, for the community. It’s democratically run and owned by the members.” Despite the many benefits co-ops offer for communities, many people in the U.S. working class do not explore the possibilities presented by them. Regardless, this unusual form of democracy continues to grow in popularity and profit. According to the International Cooperative Alliance (ICA), cooperatives worldwide employ 250 million people worldwide and generate $2.2 trillion in revenue, while providing the services and infrastructure society needs to thrive. In fact, cooperatives are so successful in helping with poverty reduction, employment generation, and social integration that the United Nations named 2012 the “International Year of Cooperatives.” Most recently released in 2011, the ICA's Global 300 report highlighted the top-earning co-

operatives at that time. While no co-ops from Syracuse made the list, ones like Ehrenreich’s Federal Cooperative and the Syracuse Real Food Co-op on Kensington Road show that they are not only present in the city, but also thriving. “Cooperative businesses and traditional enterprises are both exactly the same thing, and it’s the membership aspect that sets them apart,” says Jeremy DeChario, the general manager of the Syracuse Real Food Co-Op. “Cooperatives happen when people come together to accomplish things that one person couldn’t do alone.” The Syracuse Real Food Co-op has been around since the 1970s, when it was founded by a small group of members operating on a “take what you need, leave what you can” policy. It now includes almost 4,000 members, remains open to the public, offers a delivery service, and employs 18 full-time staff. “At one point there was a referendum held and the members had to recapitalize, and at that point we got cash registers, which was a big debate,” DeChario says. “There was fear that registers would turn



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the co-op into fascists.” The Syracuse Real Food Co-op demonstrates how cooperatives benefit small communities in big ways. Members invest equity into the store, which keeps them stocking locally and ethically-sourced, organic foods, subsequently supporting farmers and distributors across the Central New York area. Members then shop at the store, but this money is not out of their control entirely—they also vote on a board of directors who decide what to do with the money earned. Members and employees decide together what new growth opportunities are available and how much money to invest in them. This cycle of democracy in an economic space and reinvestment in local communities makes co-ops generally more risk adverse than other enterprises headed by a single chief executive officer. Co-ops happen in America on a larger scale, too. “During the last years of the Carter administration, Congress passed a charter for the National Cooperative Bank,” Ehrenreich says. “It still exists, our credit union has an investment there.” Since its creation, the National Cooperative Bank has grown their initial investment of $184 million to $4 billion. But despite this reality, in the bigger political and economic picture of the U.S.,

cooperatives and other socialized policies have remained taboo and out of the conversation. McCarthy and the Red Scare, along with the Neoliberal policies of Cold War politicians, frightened many people off the political left. Fear led people to forget, and as they stopped pushing for a socialist presence in government, schools stopped teaching socialism as a legitimate ideology. Although ultra-conservatives would like to deny it, socialism has a deeply-rooted past in American politics at all levels: not only are New Deal politics and the tradition of unions rooted in socialist ideas, but also socialists in America have won contested elections and held public office. In addition to Bernie Sanders, who failed to win the democratic presidential nomination but has served as both a Vermont Senator and the mayor of Burlington, there were a number of prominent socialists in the 20th century in Milwaukee, Wisc., including Frank Zeidler, who served three consecutive terms as city mayor. But with a new generation looking for better answers to complex problems, and its support of the Bernie Sanders campaign, there are more possibilities for socialist ideas to re-root. For many, the past few months in American politics have been shocking. It is incredibly unlikely that any so-called “socialist” politician could be a real

contender against campaigns backed by big money. Economist, Richard Wolff, talks about this idea extensively in his book Democracy at Work: A Cure for Capitalism. Wolff argues that if there is not democracy in our workplace and economic lives—where we spend most of our day—then how can there be democracy anywhere in our society? He stresses what he calls “Worker’s Self-Directed Enterprises,” Silicon Valley-slang for what is here in Syracuse—cooperatives. Some critics view Wolff’s ideas about co-oping most of the economic world as too dramatic. “What Wolff’s suggesting is that if you really want to create a more democratic society, and a social democratic society, then the changes have to be much more sweeping,” Nichols says. While Sanders lost the nomination, the socialist minds behind cooperatives in Syracuse will continue to make small changes in the community together, slowly, moderately, and with the everyday, non-socialist in mind. “We’re open and welcoming to the public,” DeChario says. “I understand that not everyone is a joiner, but everybody’s money is good when you’ve got farmers and employees to pay. It’s just important that they’re shopping here.”




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Just Eat it We've all made some regrettable drunk food choices–and Jerk staff is here to share theirs. My friends are disgusting and are going on a Marshall Street crawl this year. No, not to every bar on Marshall street or to eat at every Marshall Street restaurant— because that would be normal. Instead, they want to drunkenly vomit in the bathroom of every restaurant on the street. The winner gets a prize. I’m not sure what it is, hopefully their dignity. -Susie

One Sunday morning, my friend woke up complaining of bad breath. We all chalked it up to drunk eating Doritos and not brushing her teeth before she went to bed, until she said, “Wait guys, I know why my breath smells so bad. I ate cat food last night.” Turns out she had been drunk eating ice cream when a friend decided to sneak a few pieces of cat food on her spoon to see if she would notice. Her only response at the time was, “Mmm, I like the crunch.” - Emily

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You’re not you when you’re hungry Drunk you is the fun you—and the fun you demands food. Whatever your poison is: tequila, whiskey,or, God forbid, Bud Light—Jerk is here to point you in the right food direction to satisfy those post-midnight cravings.

Boxed Wine One time, I came home to what I thought was my roommate hooking up with the guy I was seeing and angrily started playing a playlist called “Fuck You” on speakers I set up outside of his room. When they eventually stopped, it was a stranger and they invited me to eat the most bomb ass mushroom and onion pizza with them. The situation was fucking weird. But the pizza was amazing. - Aidan

Shots of Tequila


Peach Seagrams

One time, I sat outside my apartment building at 2 a.m. texting everyone in my contact list to order a pizza with me. I was so determined that I made multiple calls, but for some reason it never dawned on me to just order the pizza by myself. On the bright side, someone finally came through and by 4 a.m. we had Papa John's. - Michelle

Mixed Drinks

Obviously, it's not a night to get totally trashed and you’re probably attempting to be an adult. Because of that, order a Bento Box from Bleu Monkey. It’ll make the boxed wine taste kind of good–and you’ll feel real mature despite the fact you’re drinking wine from a box.

At this point, you probably won't remember the night at all. Any Calios calzone will be the perfect thing to sorta sober you up–if you don’t throw it up first.

Day drinking is a college classic—which means the Chicken & Waffles from Funk'n Waffles is the perfect pick for you. A little exciting, a little dangerous, but still hearty. This combo will spice up your boring pleb life and put some hair on your chest.

You like sweet, and that’s okay. We all know you’re not really drunk, but you can still order a dozen Insomnia cookies and blame it on the “booze.” It won’t compliment the Seagrams at all and you will wake up with six cavities, but it’s all about the journey. Treat yourself.

You like things fast and easy, but not basic. Order Jimmy Johns because subs can be exciting, and it’ll arrive before the booze actually hits you. Order the Vito because salami is delicious. Win-win-win.

Tales from a Delivery Boy My name is Ben, and I’ve been delivering Jimmy John’s sandwiches on a bike for the past year or so. I love my job because as a Newhouse student it’s really hard to get anybody to talk to me. But when I set down my note pad and recorder in exchange for a sandwich, people will let me into the most intimate parts of their lives. I’m in the Chancellor’s office almost every day—those people really like sandwiches. I see people half naked a lot. I think they order their sandwiches nude, because when I call them to let them know that I’ve arrived, they tell me to give them a second to get dressed. Hospitals are also pretty wild. Once, in the lobby of Upstate, this tall, gaunt, crazed dude just started shaking me, yelling, “I’m going to be a dad!” He didn’t even order a sandwich. And yes, if you are wondering, we do bike through winter. And yes, it is just as awful as it sounds. Fun Fact: I deliver A LOT of pickles to sororities during rush


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MyHeadHurts,MyFeet Stink,ANDIDon'tLove Jesus


a Toa st



> 1 ba nana > who le whea t toast > butt er > hon ey


Life is not a Jimmy Buffet song, and unfortunately you forgot to hydrate when you did those six shots of whatever and drank from the communal punch bowl last night. No worries—here’s a list of shit you can cook when your brain feels like mush.






ed ambl r c s , e ggs chees >2e k c a j pper > Pe lt > sa pper > pe

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Eggs have a fun little chemical called taurine in them, which is actually proven to reverse liver damage, so kudos. They’re also greasy and delicious and—if you add a little Pepperjack—the perfect hangover cure.


Smash the banana on a piece of toast. This looks like vomit and smells even worse, but bananas are a great source of potassium and the whole wheat toast will get you some much-needed carbs. Bonus point: The banana will stick to the lining of your stomach, which means it might actually stay down.


Pickle juice is loaded with electrolytes, which will help with the headache and has super-absorbent sodium, which will help soak up some of the booze. The turkey has much-needed protein and is probably something you have in your fridge right now.






> 1 cu

p of mil k > Hers hey's c hocola te





t at toas le whe y > who e k tur ces of > 3 sli s le > pick uce > lett ato >tom


Chocolate milk is not only a great source of calcium, but it’s also a perfect way to cure a hangover. It’s a fun combination of fat and protein, and will coat your stomach to absorb some of last night’s regret. The sugar will perk up that glucose level so you can live to fight another day— and it tastes really good.


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What shitty Calios calzone are you? It’s like a BuzzFeed quiz, but worse. 3. You’re about to go out for a night downtown. What are you wearing?

1. You’re at a party and to quote the Weeknd—you’ve got choices. What do you drink?

A. Leather and really tall high heels, because I'm dangerous, baby B. Literally whatever isn’t dirty, disgusting, or filthy C. A jeans jacket and my trusty docs D. Something sparkly

A. The mysterious punch bowl, because what I don’t know can’t hurt me B. Shots, shots, shots, shots C. Pabst Blue Ribbon D. Mike’s Hard Lemonade

5. How do you study for a final? A. I don’t. B. We had a final? Where are my keys? C. W ith my vintage tape-recorder. I like to hear myself talk. D. Using pink flashcards I wrote with a glitter gel pen!

6. What do you drive? 2. You’re really drunk, but too lazy to order out. What do you eat?

4. What did you dress as for Halloween?

A. Whatever is in that leftover Chinese takeout box B. Triscuits and butter C. Miss Vickie’s Salt and Vinegar Chips D. All of the ice cream. And then the emergency backup ice cream. And my roommate’s Oreos

A. A biker B. I put a sheet on my head and cut out two holes for eyes. The sheet isn't white C. Donald Trump. But only ironically D. Minnie Mouse, but, like, sexy Minnie Mouse

A. A motorcycle B. Dude, where’s my car? C. A bicycle that I found thrifting and spray-painted yellow. D. A MINI Cooper

7. Where are you on a Friday night?

d i r G e h t Off

Off the Grid

Stray from your usual spots and get out of your comfort zone at these underrated purveyors of a different kind of fried fare.

Panda West Chinese Restaurant





Sexually Inactive Pandas

Come here if you need a spot to crash after a tailgate and gulp down good old post-hangover Chinese food.

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Beer Belly Deli and Pub


Franco's Pizzeria and Deli



Las Delicias Restaurant



Blocked Arteries

Spicy Meatballs

Butchered Spanish Pronunciations

Come here if you like meat. And beer. And meat infused with beer. And beer.

Come here if you're too tired of Dominos and their fucking commercials to order cheesy bread again.

Come here if you can lift your face up from that Chipotle Burrito and try something more authentic.

Komachi Japanese Restaurant



Runny Noses

Come here if you want to warm your frozen ass up—­­­­­­­with delicious udon.

A. Wherever the night takes me B. I'm not sure yet. C. P robably in somebody’s basement listening to a band no one has ever heard of D. At a frat

8. How would your friends describe you? A. I don’t have friends. I am the night. B. A mess. A goddamn mess C. Ironic and quirky D. Bubbly and cute!

? ? ? ? ?

Mostly As: Like the Fajita, you’re one dangerous calzone. Combining chicken, cheddar, jalapenos, onions, and taco sauce, you’re spicy, mysterious, and old ladies never ask you for directions. When you aren’t fighting bikers and wearing red lipstick, you’re actually Batman, and that’s okay. Mostly Bs: You’re a filthy animal, just like the Frank 'N' Beans. An ungodly combination of hot dogs, baked beans, bacon, and bbq sauce, this calzone is a mess—just like your life. When you aren’t losing your keys, forgetting you had class, and refusing to do laundry, you’re kind of classic. Just not in a calzone. Dear God, not in a calzone. Mostly C s: Like the Reuben, you’re hipster trash. Corned beef, swiss, mozzarella, sauerkraut & thousand island hipster trash. You say you like things ironically, but you actually just like them. You totally smoke, but not because it looks cool or anything. And please put away your Walkman and get a real iPhone—you aren’t fooling anyone. Mostly Ds: Like the Cheesecake, you’re sweet in small doses. Filled with cheesecake, topped with powdered sugar and a side of vanilla icing, you like all the good things in life: sugar and spice and everything nice! Although you’re kind of basic, you’re still fun to eat when totally trashed.



Britney Spears


By Rachel Lockhart : Illustration by Alena Sceusa

By Kyle Stevens : Illustration by Tori Thomas Everybody loves 80s movies. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Back to the Future, and The Breakfast Club are still some of the most popular movies among kids today. While they are all great in their own right, it seems strange that they still stand out so much after 30 years. Movies from before the 80s simply do not occupy the same cultural space. What about that time do we love to long for? The 1980s were a major transitional period for movies. The steadicam had revolutionized cinematography in the 70s, but those great cinematographic styles did not appear in lessartsy films until the 80s. Once cameras had the ability to move around, movies had the ability to show characters in more intimate ways. Studios started combining this ability with the demand for teen movies, and Ferris Bueller was born. Character-driven movies are as old as the medium, but the 80s were definitely a boom for these types of stories. The emergence of the Young Adult genre was a big factor, but the most important contributor was the advancement in camera technology. Movies started to look like a window into a world instead of a grainy projection. That automatically makes you feel closer to the characters.

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The 80s also welcomed new attempts into science fiction and horror. This bleeds into the late 70s, but all the classic horror movies and pioneering science fiction epics came out around this time. Their poor quality might be imperfect to some people, but it really is what gave movies like Halloween and Star Wars their charm. Stranger Things serves as a fantastic callback to the 1980s. It pays homage to the types of real, emotional characters that came about in 80s movies due to the technological advancement of movies as a medium. It combines the two most valuable aspects of 80s movies: great characters and new sci-fi and horror settings. The 80s were a new era for movies, so it makes sense that we revere it. Stranger Things takes the best parts of all the movies from the 80s and throws it into one, creating three different groups: Will’s friends are the character-driven group, the adults play up the horror, and Steve and Nancy are the classic 80s teen couple. Stranger Things hits the perfect aesthetic, character, and narrative notes tocomplete a nostalgic return to the 80s. Thank you, Netflix, for yet another opportunity to be wistful for a boombox-blasting, celebratory-fist-raising past we didn't live through.

THE DEAL: It’s Britney, bitch. She’s been around forever— she dropped her first single the same year the freshman class was born. Britney's songs were the anthems of your childhood, and she skyrocketed to pop fame. Then in 2004, things started to go downhill. She got married in Vegas, and annulled it less than three days later. Got married again that same year. Was banned from the Oscars. Had a kid, made some questionable parenting choices, then had another kid. The antics go on and on, resulting in a one-night visit to rehab, a shaved head, and a nearly monthlong stint in the psych ward. Now, she's back and we just can't leave Britney alone. THE ISSUE: Ever since her infamous meltdown, Britney has been trying to piece her life and her career back together. She’s dropped four studio albums, the latest, Glory, was released at the end of August. It is her best album of the last decade, but it’s not hard to beat albums that were mediocre at best. With all the hype surrounding Glory it was expected to be the pinnacle of Britney’s big comeback, and it’s just not.

THE (LARGER) ISSUE: The pop game has changed since Britney was crowned the princess of it, and at 34 perhaps she just can’t keep up. Twenty years in the game isn’t necessarily a bad thing—just look at Beyonce, she’s still slaying. But when the majority of the other players are almost a decade younger, you’ve got to be innovative. At this point, the Britney we’re seeing is still very much akin to the Britney we knew and loved—key word—when she first started out. Her songs have a vibe that’s just too familiar, and her try-hard dance routines are too tired, maybe the idea of Britney just isn’t enough anymore. THE DEFENSE: The same reason we to hate Britney is the reason we should love her. Britney has been through hell and back in comparison to what younger stars have had to “overcome”—Donutgate, anyone? Britney has clawed her way back to almost the top after what by all means should have been a careerending series of moves, and that is impressive to say the least. Plus, she’s still putting out new music, making time to be a good mom to her kids, and teaching dance classes for young women. So all things considered, a Top Three album debut is pretty damn good.


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"NO THANKS" GIVING Your drunk uncle is kind of terrifying. Your grandmother keeps kissing you. Your aunt won’t stop asking about your significant other—or lack thereof. Instead of jumping out the window or running away to Canada, Jerk has all the media to keep you occupied and away from your actual family.

PETITE LEAGUE Members: Lorenzo Gillis Cook (guitar, vocals, songwriter) Henry Schoonmaker (drums) | Active since: October 2015 | Sounds like: Simple rock ‘n roll, Honeyblood | What they Jerk to: Tokyo Police Club, Van Dale, Cloud Nothings By Madeline Fournier : Photo Supplied By Petite League

Jerk Magazine: How has your sound changed over the years? Lorenzo Gillis Cook: I started with a sound that was like pop and mellow, but now it’s different, it’s changed a lot. It’s gotten louder and louder, and I’m really liking that. I’ve been writing all summer—I just started recording. I have demos that I’ve been sending around. We would put them up online, but I turned down a lot of labels and now I’m gonna use a label to go the extra mile. JM: Why did you turn down a label? LC: Since I was in the Bandier program, I knew how to handle my own thing and it’s more satisfying to have more control. So, I would make our own merch and set our own show and we’d make our own tapes, and it was nice because we didn’t have to share money or worry about anyone else’s opinion. But now it’s gotten to the point where it’s easier if someone else is handling that stuff.

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JM: What’s the difference between your albums "Slugger" and "No Hitter"? LC: Well, for the second record, I understood how to record myself better. And when writing the second album, I had just broken up with my girlfriend and started dating someone else and there were a lot of changes, so there’s symbolism behind the album art. It was hand and strings and scissors, kind of a graduation album, since me and all my friends were leaving school and moving away from SU. That’s a big difference between the two; the first was trying things out, and the second was more thoughtful. JM: If you had to describe your sound in one sentence, what would it be? LC: An extension of myself, but in a fuzzier and simpler form, inherently better and easier to understand. JM

MOVIE: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them Fantastic Beast and Where to Find Them is the prequel movie to the Harry Potter story. Follow Eddie Redmayne, Ezra Miller, and Katherine Waterston as they track down and catch Newt Scamander’s lost beasts. See it in theaters on Nov. 18 and get out of your childhood bedroom that feels more like the cupboard under the stairs.

MUSIC: Sleigh Bells, Jessica Rabbit Sleigh Bells is releasing their first album in three years on Nov. 11. Their stuff is reminiscent of Phantogram or Santigold. Their latest is going to be loud, noise-pop. And if you headbang hard enough, hospitalization will take you far away from your uncle that voted for Trump.

MUSIC: Honeyblood, Babes Never Die Honeyblood is 90s era, low-fi garage rock at its finest. They sound like local yocals Petite League or Pizza Party—except there’s a total hardness to the girl duo. Listen to them really, really loud and you might actually go deaf—which means that you won’t have to listen to how ISIS was created by Hillary Clinton. Get it when it drops on Nov. 4.

BOOK: Neil Shusterman’s Scythe Murder is morally objectionable. But Neil Shusterman's Scythe almost makes it seem okay. Two kids are chosen to become reapers and literally taught to murder other people. Eventually, they have to murder each other. Be sure to pick it up Nov. 22, and don't actually kill your sister. That's wrong.


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Ghost story Nick and Angelo’s Ristorante Something, or someone, is swinging from the chandelier at Nick and Angelo’s Ristorante

By Mary Catalfamo : Photography by Aaron Kassman Things at Nick and Angelo’s Ristorante don't always  stay  put—most notably a chandelier that Nicole Lafluer-Valentino, one of the restaurant’s managers, recalls crashing from the ceiling unexpectedly. It was one of the latest incidents to occur at the restaurant, celebrating one year of business this month under its current name.  Lindsay Varga started at Nick and Angelo’s three years ago when it was called Carnegie Pier 57. She was in the kitchen when she heard the crash from the back banquet room.  “One of the chandeliers—just out of nowhere—flew off its hook,” she says. Although Varga investigated the  scene  herself, she “didn’t realize what happened until the story got around later.”   The cause of the incident, the staff surmised, was the agitated spirit of Lisa Siler—a ghost who has haunted the Liverpool restaurant for nearly 30 years. Cookware catapulting across the kitchen and objects shifting unexplainably are just a few

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of the incidents fresh in the minds of staff and management. However, the story behind all these disturbances is rooted in a time before the brick building tucked away on the side of Oswego Road became the cozy Italian eatery it is today, and even before its predecessor Carnegie’s first opened its doors.   This paranormal activity began on May 22, 1989 when William Siler murdered his estranged wife in what was then Pronto’s Restaurant. Allegedly acting under “extreme emotional distress,” according to the Newburgh-Beacon Evening News, Siler shot Lisa was convicted of first-degree manslaughter, just days later.   Although  Siler was granted parole in 2013, Lisa’s spirit remains imprisoned at the scene of her murder.   “One of our bartenders said that she had a lot to do with the ghost, and I didn’t really tend to believe her,” Varga says. Then, on one early Saturday morning, Varga saw a bucket jettison past the bartender as she was walking by and

The restaurant’s scenic murals of Italian landscapes, charming checkered tablecloths, and warm décor make for an unlikely haunt.

slam against the dish pit. “It was just the craziest motion. It didn’t fall. It literally flew.”   “From what I gather, she just doesn’t really like change,” says  Lafluer-Valentino, who is one of the only ones who has had a paranormal experience still working at the restaurant. Last year, a team of local ghost hunters reached out to Nick and Angelo’s in the hopes

of investigating its paranormal occurrences, a query that developed into an overnight endeavor to contact Lisa.    “They had her talking. And they could see her with their machines,” Lafluer-Valentino says. “They could say something and she could talk back.”   Lafluer-Valentino maintains that Lisa—despite her destructive tendencies—is a "friendly" ghost.


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From Syria to to Syracuse

Hani Sulieman left his life in Syria behind to study in the United States

By Sarah Epelman : Photography by Fiona Lenz Jerk Magazine: Was there ever a doubt in your mind that you would not be admitted into the U.S. or would have a hard time fitting in America? Hani Sulieman: The only doubt I had was when the government asked me to improve my English, which is why they gave me conditional admission. When I passed the test I was able to start school right away, which I was really excited for.

JM: How was it settling into Syracuse when you first arrived? HS: My aunt played a huge role in helping me settle in, since she already lived here. Aleppo, where I’m from, is a huge city in comparison to Syracuse, so I was shocked to see how small Syracuse was in comparison and to see how early the bars close.

JM: How did your parents feel when you decided to leave? HS: They knew I was going to be with my aunt, so they did not worry that much. They did tell me to be careful in Syracuse because they had heard certain areas are not so good.

JM: What do you think was your best day at SU so far? Your worst? HS: Every day I have new experiences and continue to make new friends and meet new people. I feel comfortable being here that I almost do not consider any days my worst.

JM: Why do you have such a passion for electrical engineering? HS: Both my parents are engineers. My three uncles are also engineers and my sister is a professor of computer science in Minnesota, so it definitely runs in the family. I like electrical engineering the best because it’s a good mix of hardware and software work.

JM: What do you think you’ll do once you finish grad school? HS: I will either open my own business or go to a bigger city and get involved with bigger companies. America, especially Syracuse, has given me the necessary skills and hope to always improve and succeed.

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By Nicole Engleman Illustration Kay Thomas “Wake up, bitch. It’s time for brunch.” For years, Brunch has jolted us awake to shuffle out of the house for a boozy debrief of the previous night. Eggs and Bloody Marys nurse our hangovers as we discuss exactly who got kicked out of the bar last night and why. Brunch was born from the basic need to resurrect oneself after a blackout night in a basement or bar. She had her humble beginnings with the lovable ladies of Sex and the City, and grew up listening to conversations about Mr. Big, how many times Miranda was mistaken for a lesbian, and the odds that Samantha had a sexually transmitted disease. Brunch soon went away to college, where she finally began to understand herself. She realized that her life’s ambition was to help others, and what better place to start than with her fellow students who went a little too hard at Chuck's? After nights of slapping the bag and doing keg stands, Brunch was there waiting with welcoming arms full of Funk ‘n Waffles and subpar bagels. It was also in college that Brunch learned a vital part of her identity—without booze she was just a sad, late, gratuitous breakfast—no better than “grabbing lunch.” Brunch continued her steady rise to fame as millennials caught wind that she was the only socially acceptable form of post-college day drinking. Brunch, a party girl herself, encouraged her friends to get perhaps even drunker than

they were the night before. Brunch reached the peak of her fame as she soon became the chicest social space to gossip. Her favorite topics included: how hungover you are, why you are hungover, egg whites, and how Lena Dunham just really “gets you.” Shows like Gossip Girl gave us insight into the betchiest of brunches, where social takedowns were planned as carefully as Ivy League applications. We’ll take our waffles with a side of Rufus Humphrey, please. Brunch prospered for many years, until the birth of Instagram. Suddenly her values changed, and you couldn’t eat as soon as your much-anticipated food came out. She began to play hard to get and demanded that friends style a photo shoot of her until they got a shot she deemed “Insta-worthy.” This led to the general frustration of hungry, hungover girls and their boyfriends alike. As Brunch became more high maintenance, she soon lost her appeal. The standard omelette and toast gave way to elaborately designed açai bowls, which left many girls wondering: “Why does this granola look better than I do right now?” In a form of rebellion, many brunchers took to SoulCycle in order to sweat out the previous night’s Vodka Red Bulls instead of relying on the hair of the dog. With remorse, Brunch is survived by the piles of receipts in your drawer for bottomless mimosas at Modern Malt. Cheers to that. JERK

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Shaggy Situation No grooming needed: These students’ facial hair styles honor No-Shave November in the best ways. Photos by Fiona Lenz, Flora Chen, & Ally Moreo

“Honestly I embraced the scruffy lifestyle a long time ago, even though my mom gets on my ass for looking rough. But a big part of my facial hair game, at least for the month of November, is for a philanthropy called Movember. It’ s for men’s health, whether it be testicular cancer, mental health, etc. Essentially guys grow out their facial hair for all of November to show support.” -Brian Hamlin, Junior

“I’m on the SU Club Rugby team, and the players from other teams refer to me as the guy with the red beard. Actually, I was walking down Marshall Street the other day and three guys from Kings Point, the team we had played that day, stopped me when they saw me wearing my rugby sweatshirt and said to me ‘Oh , you’ re the guy with the beard!’”

-Eric Fray, Senior

“I am 99 percent sure I would be mistaken for a girl a good amount if I didn’ t have [a beard]. One time my friend was meeting me in class, and I got there first and sat down. When he got there, he scanned the class for a long time looking for me. Finally, he sat down and said he had looked over me because he thought I was a girl. The beard is sometimes a good safety net so no one is too confused.”

How To Dress like a Fuckboi

Earings: "Claire’s has a great starter deal.”

#TYBG: For 3AM “U up?” scores

Tongue: "Not just thirsty, I’m fucking parched."

Ice Packs: "That chick on my shoulders at EDC was the closest I’ll ever get to pussy. "

-Peter Morrissey, Sophomore

Stan Smiths: “Very Rare”

Model: Prosper Ro

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