behavior science and associate professor of psychology at California Baptist University. “When it comes to commitment you really have to work. You have to do maintenance.” This maintenance required for a relationship certainly does not correlate with a situationship. The energy and time invested into a relationship will not be in vain, whereas in the course of a situationship one party is giving his or her all not knowing where it is going to lead. “When young people do not have a stable relationship they miss out on these benefits of intimacy and connection — also known as a secure-based heaven,” says Joshua Knabb, director of the psychology doctorate program. Fantasy is what we want, but reality is what we need. You cannot fixate on a relationship you are not getting, whether or not you like or even love the other person. You will only hurt yourself in the end. “Excessive dependency upon another person for self worth is a sign of a troubled relationship and can even be considered toxic,” says Dr. Jenny Aguilar, director of CBU's graduate program in forensic psychology.
ELIMINATING UNNECESSARY FACTORS Although it is flawed, social media plays a major role in providing validation to the public for your dating life. However, you must keep in mind, that posting on each other's social media accounts does not equate to a relationship. “Social media provides a platform for instant contact but without intimacy, which is one of the issues related to situationships,” Aguilar says. “You do not really get an accurate sense of the person, you only get what they want to put on social media, rather than having the ability to view the whole person for yourself." The validation we so desperately want can be sought through the approval of friends, or even family. Do not let outsiders push you into insecurity about your predicament. If you are ready to move
forward with your partner, you may have to do it for yourself. “I take the unpopular opinion that all generations have struggled with situationships versus relationships,” says Mischa Routon, assistant professor of psychology and associate dean of graduate programs. “It is very hard work to have a healthy relationship. It requires wisdom and self-responsibility coupled with a commitment from both parties.”
MOVING FORWARD Transforming your situationship into a relationship can be postponed because of a phobia of commitment or even rejection. However, if you are ready to upgrade your situation do not hold back — putting this off can turn into a burden or form of regret. There could be two possible outcomes: “I am not ready for a relationship.” “I cannot fully commit myself to you right now.” “I told you in the beginning this is not what I wanted.” “It's me, not you.” Hearing these words thrown at you is like having a boulder falling right on your ego and crumbling to little pieces. However, these are signs that your partner is not ready to move forward: It is better to hear this now than later down the road when you are fully invested. On a positive note, your partner might be thrilled you took the initiative to move your relationship along — a step he or she was too afraid to take. You both can be fully open with your feelings and start a new beginning in a monogamous relationship.
ENCOURAGING ADVICE Where there is no contentment, we seek to find fulfillment, whether it is in one’s career, family or, most of all, relationships. During this quest of fulfillment in your dating life it is important you do not settle. Know your worth, then add tax to it. Signed, An expert in situationships. ◆
Pursuit | 9