PossbleTroof? For beginning readers
whatchamajigger #3 already? *They just grow up so fast. * crying noise By: The US government, Max Jasper, and many others!
Space Dwarves vs. the Death Ducks! Whoâ€™s Really On Our Side? Find out under your kitchen sink!
Hi, I’m Max and I’m just as confused as you are. Now about your credit score, it’s surprisingly low… Um, why are you all looking at me funny… Oh yeah. Sorry that was for some other people. No, you don’t buy it. Okay I’m insane, are you happy? Oh you are. Well if all the voices in my head would be QUIET for a moment, I could get started. Okay, I actually remembered to put a contest in this issue that you’ll find out ‘bout layta. Um, I’m running outta room, so enjoy. ---Max Jasper, Lord of you and you and you
Space Dwarves Vs. The Death Ducks By: Max Jasper The question on everybody’s mind is, “Who are the Death ducks?” or “What’s that green stuff floating in my cereal?” These questions will be answered if you would just be quiet for a few minutes! Mumble mumble mumble grumble. The Death Ducks are a species of vicious, super-intelligent ducks. The space dwarves and death ducks have been fighting over Earth’s moon for centuries. The Death Ducks want Earth’s moon due to the massive food source located directly below the lunar crust and the Space Dwarves want Earth’s moon, well, just because. Both the Dwarves and Ducks have asked Earth’s military forces to join their cause and fight for the moon. The Ducks insist that their main food source is strawberry flavored guacamole. Earth’s military leaders didn’t even consider that they might even be lying.
Above. The leaders of the ducks and dwarves get into a fight after an angry discussion. Tune in next time I get my verisimilitudinous magazine out for more news on the possible galactic battle.
Fantasy Land. This is the
writing section that I have a different title for depending on the genre. This is unnamed so far so please send suggestions. I hope you like it. By Max Jasper
was lost in the woods. I wandered below
huge trees with strange fruit or possibly animals dangling from their topmost branches. I couldnâ€™t even remember my name or how old I was. Judging by how tall I was I figured that I was a small tree that could move. Then I noticed that I had no branches; merely hands. Hands; where had I seen those before? I remembered many hands clapping as I had blown out ten candles on a blue and white cake. Judging by my only memory I decided that I was ten. Yes, ten would be about right. I had no idea if I knew anything about surviving in the wilderness.
A large, green bird swooped down upon me from out of nowhere. It began pecking at my face and beating its wings against me. I made a fist and took a swing at it with all my might. It drifted gracefully to the ground and stopped moving. I bent down to touch it to see if it was still alive. It was. The bird lunged at my face and with its powerful beak scratched my cheek and then returned to its motionless state. Only then did I realize that I was standing on a nest with only two intact eggs remaining. Only then did I also realize how hungry I was and what a waste it was to leave a perfectly good dead bird and two large dark purple eggs. The fact that the eggs were dark purple and that the bird was huge and green was not strange to me since I could not remember if thatâ€™s what birds were supposed to be like or not. I decided to keep the eggs with me merely out of curiosity about what the babies would look like, when and if they hatched. The green bird had tasted awful so I only ate until I no longer had stomach pains and kept what I could fit of the rest of the bird in my pockets. While shoving the bird carcass into my pockets, I felt a small object. Upon taking it from my pocket and examining it in what was left of the light that was streaming through the canopy I realized that it was a golden whistle. In small letters along the tube were the words, â€œYou are never aloneâ€?.
I pondered these words until the light had faded into darkness and my eyes began to droop. I plunged into a dreamless sleep. I awoke in the morning to the sound of loud cracks. I looked towards where I had rested the eggs and was surprised to see not a green bird at all, but what looked at first like a lizard. Then I noticed two small wings sprouting from either side of the strange animal’s backs. One was bright red and was also bigger and more muscular than the other winged lizard. The other was a striking shade of blue with twinkling eyes that seemed to catch every bit of light in the whole forest. Before I could think about this any longer the blue winged- lizard chirped, “Hello” I was astonished that this little lizard could possibly be talking to me. The red one chimed in. “Are you our mother?” “Um… no, I’m sorry.” “Where is she?” the blue one inquired. “Was your mother a big green bird?” “No” they replied in unison. “What does your mother look like?” “Like us, only bigger.” “All that I saw was the bird,” I said, “It attacked me so I hit it and then it died.”
“I know what that bird was doing,” the red one said, “It was trying to take us while we were still in our eggs.” “Brilliant observation” said the blue creature “And it would eat us” “You saved us” Then the red one asked quietly, “Do you have any food?” I pulled some bird out of my pocket and handed it to the winged- lizards. They munched on it happily and with every bite that they took they seemed to grow bigger. By the time they were finished their wings had grown almost a foot and their larger bodies had a ridge of spikes running from the top of their head to the tip of their tail. I then realized what they where. Dragons. And big, very big.
The Ten Demandments By: Max Jasper
Thou shalt driveth nails through thine feet. Thou shalt shoveth entire cabbages through thine ears. 3. Thou shalt tickle live porcupines. 4. Thou shalt attempt to hug a moving train. 5. Thou shalt tease cougars. 6. Thou shalt rideth on an angry komodo dragon. 7. Thou shalt shoveth thine head through yonder wall. 8. Thou shalt devour poison ivy. 9. Thou shalt sleepeth in a nuclear bomb testing area. 10. Thou shalt obey all of the aboveth. Under no circumstance s should you fail to do anything this list requests. Rememberâ€Ś Santa sees ALL!
ASK CINDY Dear Cindy, I have a problem with the magazine that you work for. I think that it is a disgrace to all mankind. Possible truth has an extremely negative affect on growing brains. My child is reading that at school and not getting a proper education. I want this filth out of the schools, I want Max Jasper tarred and feathered, and then I want all remaining copies of this horrible magazine burned!!! --Concerned Mother Dear Concerned Mother, I have a problem too. YOU! Itâ€™s people like you who ruin nice little magazines like this and put people like me out of a job. Have you even read the magazine? It is a work of art and you my friend are an ignorant, annoying, overprotective, control-freak! My advice to you, take a chill pill and sign up for some counseling. --Enraged Cindy
World News By William Jasper, Max’s boring brother. I swear to Gourd that Max didn’t call his awesome brother boring. Seriously. One night William Jasper was writing a story. He sat there, unsuspecting that anyone was writing about him and his story. These are the words that he wrote: One night William Jasper was writing a story. He sat there, unsuspecting that anyone was writing about him and his story. These are the words that he wrote: One night William Jasper was writing a story. He sat there, unsuspecting that anyone was writing about him and his story. These are the words that he… oh wait… I’M WILLIAM JASPER!!! One day or night someone was reading a story about William Jasper writing a story about himself writing a story about himself writing a story. That person is the person in your mirror, the one with the human-like features. This is what they read: One night William Jasper was writing a story. He sat there, unsuspecting that anyone was writing about him and his story. These are the words that he wrote: One night William Jasper was writing a story. He sat there, unsuspecting that anyone was writing about him and his story. These are the words that he wrote: One night William Jasper was writing a story. He sat there, unsuspecting that anyone was writing about him and his story. These are the words that he… oh wait… I’M WILLIAM JASPER!!! One day or night someone was reading a story about William Jasper writing a story about himself writing a story about himself writing a story. That person is the person in your mirror, the one with the human-like features. This is when they noticed that they have other, more important things to do.
Evil Really Cool Monster Flees the Scene at Cotton Candy Fight Read more on the Cotton Candy Fight on a page with words on it
By Co-owner Jax Masper
This surprisingly hardly blurry photo was taken by tourist Billy McCornloaf, 37, of Monkey Bay, Wisconsin. When questioned about the authenticity of the photo he replied, “It was real. I saw it with all my 6 and 1/2 eyes. I wouldn’t fake something like this. Wait, do I have 6 ½ eyes?” That’s a good question Billy. And I think that that may be brain cells and not eyes. But I think that the main question on all of our minds is... BOMP BOM BUUUUM... Did that sugar-addled moron actually take a picture of a living cartoon; or did he get out of his tree, put down the toaster he was aiming at a nearby postman, and use PhotoStore? Yes I know what it’s actually called but I have no intentions of getting sued from here to Helsinki. Possible update later or you can just make one up and play it back in your head to help you sleep.
Yet another new section in this pile of misused wood pulp that I call a magazine:
Whatcha Dream ‘Bout Although it was my sister who wrote this, feel free to submit dreams as well as almost anything else people! Seriously I hardly get anything submitted by you guys. C’mon. Geez. Thank you to those who do send stuff though. I wuvs you lots!!!!
I got out of my pool to pick up my cakes. One had some sort of bug in it so I flushed it down the toilet. A picture of a cow that was beginning to learn to drive started speeding. As it peaked at 100 MPH it hit a moose. The moose turned out to be a rooster and ran off with a nearby cat. I left the bathroom and fed my dog that could drive just like the cow picture can. I then made a dream catcher out of my hair and fingernails. I keep getting these wretched dreams about me getting stuck in a tiny box and I’m VERY claustrophobic. I put the dream catcher up on my roof and then got my rabbits some toast. My pet rock, Rock came over to me and grabbed onto my hat and wouldn’t let go. Pet rocks are not hard to remove (but they won’t shut up if you touch them, they scream for hours on end). I went inside and washed it off with milk and put it back in my shower with all of the homework that had confused me like 867,983,865,912 times 450,268,104. What do the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 symbols mean? My pet rock does my homework for me to flush down my toilet.
Hereâ€™s what all of you humans wantedâ€Ś
In this section fill out the stuffs below and you might get a prize, or a certificate, or a hug, or stuff, or a kick in the pants. Here we got a real hard maze. So hard in fact that it took me, the super genius, like forever to find the stupid entrance. The entrance is on the top right and the exit is lower right.
Send in your ideas for polls and your answers to them or my head will explode!
The poll is where we vote on stuff. The stuff is what we vote on poll. Poll is poll is vote on what where who? Okay, you probably get it by now. Oh yeah, tell me your response by email, verbally, or on a piece of pie-I mean paper. Sorry Iâ€™m hungry. First poll: If you inherited a military base, China, and a death ray, which country would you sell them to? Second poll: If aliens attacked Earth and you could only save one politician, one actor, one comedian, one singer, and 196 accountants; whom would you choose? Third poll: Do you feel that Max Jasper and his clone should be locked up in a padded room and never publish this insanity ever again? Fifth (what, it was just number 3?) poll: Do you feel the need to submit a poll to my insane magazine? If so, submit it and ANYTHING ELSE!!!!!
Have you seen this boy? Call 555- MUNCH
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“I didn’t do it” Bye now! M@>< J@593R Dedicated to my wonderful family, whom I love to infinity and beyond.