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BEAST The

May 2018

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WELCOME TO MAY 2018... THE ENDLESS SUMMER CONTINUES Words Dan and James Hutton

W

elcome to the May 2018 edition of The Beast – the monthly magazine for Sydney’s Beaches of the East. It's hard to believe we're already heading into the tail-end of autumn. These summery days are lingering longer than Slim Dusty in Yarrawonga - not bad if you own a local business, but probably not that good if you just want some space to yourself on the beach. This month's cover star is legendary Aussie chef Clayton Dovonan, who recently relocated to the Eastern Suburbs and will be basing himself here for the foreseeable future as he traverses the country hosting various popups and charity events. Clayton is availabile to host private functions while he's in town, so just flick us an email if you'd like to inject some genuine personality into your event - he's got plenty of that!

In local news, Siriol Dafydd has been hard at work, penning a number of articles for this month's edition. Siri caught up with some legendary locals who, tired of seeing all the rubbish littering our beaches and parks, decided to take matters into their own hands and tidy the joint up. There are a number of residents' groups doing an awesome job of cleaning up the area and it really makes a difference. We're still receiving emails and phone calls about the various bike sharing schemes operating in the Eastern Suburbs, and Siri has provided an update regarding the councils' position on these schemes, as well as a piece on Clovelly Pool's peeling paint problem. Tara Hayes met Mal Ward as he was finalising preparations for this year's Forever Johnno Raffle and Auction. Wardy hopes to raise

another enormous wad of cash for the Clancy Ward at The Children's Hospital at Westmead, so let's get behind the big fella and give him a hand to break the record this year. To round off our local news section, Duncan Horscroft has reported on the recently approved Tamarama Surf Club redevelopment. Don't worry, they're not going to jam an army of one-armed bandits into the ground floor and plonk a high roller's room on top, although that could be a good way to wind down after a surf. Thanks again to everyone involved in getting this edition of The Beast off to the printers on time, and to the crew that pound the pavements to get them delivered each month. A lot of work from a lot of people goes into this little publication, but time flies when you're having fun! Dan and James - Publishers

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Contents May 2018 Issue 160 08 11 12 14 18 20 22 24 25 42 43 44 54 56 58 60 61 62 64 66 68 70 74 76 80 81 82 82

Welcome Note Contents Pearls of Wisdom Monthly Mailbag Local Bloke   Local Chick Thumbs and Dogs Local News Beastpops Calendar Trade Directory Interview Marjorie's Musings Satire Unreliable Guide Fish ‘n’ Tips Tide Chart Headnoise Sporting Life Sexy Time Enviro News Travel Bug Local Photos Food & Wine Reviews Trivial Trivia Beardy From Hell Trivia Solutions


Senior counsel Rowena Orr kicking arse at the banking royal commission.

NATIONAL DISGRACE DAY Words Pearl Bullivant Picture Kenneth Hayne

D

epending on your political leanings or nationalistic fervour, April 25 is Australia’s national day of celebration, mourning, remembrance or ‘coming of age’. But Pearl is thinking we need a national day of disgrace on March 25 to coincide with the outing of Australia’s cricket team as disgraceful cheats. It cannot be limited to one day though. It should be a week, or perhaps a month, headed off by Australia’s arbiters of moral standards - the tabloid media (including The Australian, which is just a tabloid for rich people). Maybe there could be a March of Shame, with the participants attired in baggy greens. I’m a bit scant on details as I’m not a cricket fan, but if Roxy Jacenko is reading this I will be calling upon her assistance as she is the only one brave enough to treat the ‘scandal’ like what it truly is: a PR opportunity. Labelling the Australian cricket team a ‘national disgrace’ is a bit harsh. Pearl is the ‘take no prisoners’ type, with little sympathy for people who should know better. 12 The Beast | May 2018

But please, ‘national disgrace’ is below the belt. Rather, ‘stupid’, ‘juvenile’, ‘brattish’ and ‘desperate’ are words that come to mind; Pearl could have done a better job of ball tampering with her trusty Bernina overlocker! It’s just a game - no one died, Steve Smith didn’t commit troops to a needless war or financially destroy anyone (except himself ), or poison players with drug supplements. This type of news needs to be relegated to the sports section, allowing Australians to get on with the serious issues, like Married at First Sight. Oops, I mean the real news about Australia’s real national disgrace - the banking industry. Australia has had its fair share of national disgraces and cheating scandals, none of which have copped the media attention that a few pretty boys in white have. We conveniently forget the real cheats - the former Deputy ATO Commissioner’s tax fraud, the AWB’s oil-for-wheat bribery scandal, Kathy Jackson and Michael Lawler’s HSU fraud, ANZ’s manipulation of the bank bill swap

rate and the disgusting CommInsure scandal. Which brings me to the banking industry... Australians consumed with sport and MAFS may be unaware that while a ball was being tampered with in Cape Town, a royal commission into the banking industry was underway in the home of cricket, Melbourne. And while Candice Warner’s lovely face was gracing the TV news reports and the front page of The Terrorgraph, the scandal of an industry replete with bribes, fraudulent loans, dodgy sales figures and junk insurance has been conveniently relegated as an afterthought. The only thing disgraceful about cricket is 70.2AM’s habit of bumping James Valentine for the summer coverage of the most boring game on earth. Let’s out Australia’s real national disgrace: the banks - an industry that is the most profitable of its kind in the world and has an inordinate influence over Australians and government policy – and indulge in a real sport, bank bashing. Let’s make March 25 National Disgrace Day!


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THE BEAST'S MONTHLY MAILBAG Words The People of the Eastern Suburbs ROYAL COMMISSION INTO THE BANKS I don’t usually follow politics, but when I heard the Federal Government was opening a royal commission into the banks my ears pricked up. I have been surfing Bondi for over 20 years and I can’t remember a summer when the banks were worse. They are appalling! Friends from Bronte say the same. A royal commission may be taking it a little too far, but us surfers are a powerful lobby group these days, not to be underestimated. Malcolm Turnbull, local member for Bondi Beach, the surfers of Australia salute you! Peter Manus Strain Bondi ‘PUP CRAWLS’ IN THE EAST My partner and I like a drink and we have a one year-old dog. Since we’ve had our puppy, the three of us have been going on ‘pup crawls’, not in the Eastern Suburbs, but in the Inner West, Surry Hills or Paddington, because there are very few dog-friendly pubs in the east and I don’t understand why. You can have your dog out the front of the Clovelly Hotel and the Coogee Pavilion caters for dogs with bowls and tethering, but that’s pretty much it. In Marrickville, at The Grifter Brewing Co. you can take your dog inside and they have jars of doggie treats. At The Vic on the Park, now owned by Justin Hemmes, you can take your dogs on the timber deck. 14 The Beast | May 2018

Dogs are allowed inside at Willie the Boatman, and they’re allowed out in the beautiful courtyard at The Beresford in Surry Hills. The London and Grand National in Paddington allow you to take them into the bar and they’re allowed in the courtyard at The Iron Duke. I rang the Duke of Gloucester in Randwick, thinking that being nicknamed “The DOG” and having an outside area it would be fine to take your dog, but the answer was, “No”. This is not about me. We just want to spend as much time with our puppy as possible but I seem to always end up being the designated driver so I can only have two drinks. If pubs closer to where we live were dog-friendly we could walk there and I could maybe enjoy a few alcoholic beverages. So, pubs in the east, can you please consider letting dogs in? It’s happening all around you, don’t get left out. Jo Clovelly MACE FACE What’s the matter, Julian of Waverley? Do you feel that your right to molest strangers is being unfairly impinged upon? Grow a brain cell. Now everybody knows what a sleazebag you are. I’m not going to be thrown into court for kneeing you in the testicles, because you won’t get up when I’m done with you. Anonymous Waverley

THE COVER Hi - Your cover girl of the April edition is why I am not too keen on your magazine. Michelle Jenneke, a Sports Illustrated model and not too successful sportswoman, is obviously there for male readers. There must be so many suitable women you could have put on the front with a meaningful interview in the mag, but I guess these type of women are not attractive enough. Loretta The Moon MICHELLE JENNEKE Hello James - I have just phoned 2UE (Sports) and suggested they research Michelle’s great record. I predict Sally may be aware that this young ‘rocket’ is about to take the ‘Fastest in the World’ title. Maybe better to retire prior to being defeated? Well, time will tell all. Love The Beast! Cheers, Bruce Rigby North Randwick RETURN AND LOSE Despite Gabrielle Upton’s denials and spin, it was quite clear from the start that the roll-out of the Return and Earn scheme has been a debacle. Why were all the machines not set in place before we were charged the deposit? The only machines in the Eastern Suburbs are at UNSW and Malabar, not to mention that Coogee has no participating businesses. Let’s get some machines in locations like Lyne Park, Clovelly Beach, etc. Why is this scheme different to most? In schemes here and in the US the consumer retains their full deposit. Why were the bottle manufacturers charged huge amounts upfront for the scheme, yet Ms Upton is claiming she doesn’t tell these businesses what to do? Why didn’t Ms Upton consult with South Australia, who have been running a great container deposit scheme for decades? What’s happening with the normal council bottle collection?


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Ms Upton told us councils will be passing on savings to ratepayers, but how will that work? I can’t imagine the garbage trucks all heading off to Malabar to unload one bottle at a time through the machine, then heading to Woolworths to obtain the refund. Can Waverley Council please enlighten us? Will it be pursuing the 10c deposit? There are so many puzzling questions that Ms Upton has failed to answer. I’m sure she is a great local member, but her record in the environment and other portfolios is not so great. Anthony Bosch Bondi THE RANDWICK TRAM I just wanted to say thankyou for the awesome article in the April edition of The Beast by Dr Marjorie O’Neill (Why the Bondi Tram is the Wrong Way To Go, The Beast, April 2018). I totally agree with the author and her opinion, and finally I believe I’m not alone in thinking that the whole Randwick tram solution is not going to solve anything, and the government proved to us once again how easy it is to ignore the past and not learn from previous mistakes. It’d be great if Randwick Mayor Lindsay Shurey read this too and reconsidered the whole overpriced and inefficient tram project before it’s too late. Please continue raising awareness of this critical topic about atrocious public transport in the Eastern Suburbs. Bruno Pales Coogee A THANKYOU Dear Editor - On January 4, I fell while walking on Oxford Street - crossing York Road - and broke my nose, tore all the skin off my nose, and cut my forehead, knees, elbows, etc. A young man - I think he was riding a bike - picked me up and held me in his arms. I was bleeding profusely and shaking. Two young women also stopped and called an ambulance, which 16 The Beast | May 2018

never came. They called my grandchildren, who drove me to St Vincent’s Hospital. I required two hours of plastic surgery. Part of my face skin was used to cover the nose. I was in the hospital for a week, but back again the following week with double pneumonia. I was on oxygen for a month and then sent to Wolper to recuperate. I am sorry about the delay in thanking the young man. I did not take his name, nor did I thank him back then. I was too confused and in too much pain. Also, I did not know how to reach him. I hope he reads The Beast so I can thank him and say how very grateful I am. I am 94 years old. Sincerely, Anne Bondi Junction BARNABY JOYCE’S BUNDLE OF JOY After his recent demotion to the backbench, perhaps Barnaby Joyce (Pearl’s of Wisdom, The Beast, April 2018) could find the time to do three things: 1. Shoot the pirate’s dogs; 2. Get the girl, and; 3. Go back to New Zealand. Among all the kerfuffle about Barnaby Joyce and his party that stands for traditional family values is the fact that he had sex with a junior staffer, may or may not be set to become a new daddy, and that he might face rafts of sexual harassment claims against him from within his own party. But there is also some good news for Barnaby Joyce. Unlike his ideological off-sider, Donald Trump (aged 71), whose party also stands for traditional family values, Barnaby Joyce (aged 50) will not be exposed to the juicy details of a Stormy Daniels. Joyce’s new girlfriend, Vikki Campion, is unlikely to say what Daniels reported. According to Daniels, their sexual encounter was “textbook generic”, involving only “one position”, as might be expected “from a man his age”. Good news number two is that Barnaby Joyce was, as is often the case, able to rely on the Murdoch Press, who waited to break Barnaby’s sex stories after the New

England election was won comfortably by Barnaby. This is how democracy is made. Once again the electorate has been conned. Beyond that, operating like a juke box into which someone has inserted 50 cents, Prime Minister Turnbull swiftly played the right record. He assisted (some say forced) Barnaby’s (perhaps temporary) move to the backbench. The hope is to get Joyce out of the media spotlight, and it may already have had the intended impact. As a local politician told me recently on Barnaby, “He is gone.” But one might not give up too soon on “Australia's best retail politician - a great face-to-face salesman” (www.couriermail.com.au), who can supposedly sell everything to everyone. Barnaby Joyce might even be with us permanently. Only on March 4, Mr Joyce revealed that the identity of the child’s biological father was a “grey area”. The man is not finished yet - with sex stories and otherwise! Thomas Klikauer Coogee

THE BEAST Publisher The Beast Pty Ltd ABN 32 143 796 801 www.thebeast.com.au

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What music are you into at the moment? The Beatles, Cat Stevens, Rodriguez and Pink Floyd. I also love my Greek music, as I was born on the island of Lesbos and came to Australia when I was six years old. Who is your favourite person? My beloved wife, and my kids. What do you get up to on the weekends? I like to have a coffee at Gusto, then I watch my son James play soccer and AFL. If it’s a nice day I’ll do the coastal walk and stop at the beach for a swim. In the evening I’ll either dine out with the wife or enjoy a quiet dinner at home, followed by a Netflix movie.

All the way with JFK!

LOCAL BLOKE... JOHN KAMBAS FROM CLOVELLY Interview and Picture James Hutton

C

lovelly resident and long term Eastern Suburbs local John Kambas is a lawyer and the principal of JFK Legal, a mobile legal service based in the Eastern Suburbs. John shares his local favourites with The Beast... How long have you lived here? I’ve lived in Clovelly for 15 years now. I previously lived in Coogee and Randwick. Why do you live here? Clovelly is a great family place to live in and raise our three kids. It has a quaint, picturesque, family village atmosphere. Living between Clovelly and Gordons Bay, and only a short stroll to Coogee Beach, is like being in Heaven. We love the open spaces and the parks with the great coastal walks, together with the local cafés and restaurants. What's your favourite beach? Clovelly and Gordons Bay are my 18 The Beast | May 2018

favourites. I love snorkelling and saying “g’day” to the groper. What's your favourite eatery? I love breakfast and coffee at Bake Bar in Randwick, lunch at Bellagio in Waverley, and dinner at Darley Street Bistro on Clovelly Road. Where do you like to have a drink? The Cloey Hotel is where I like to have a drink. Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? The beaches, the coastal walks, the parks and the people. Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? The worst thing around here is the parking. Do you have a favourite sporting team? Having played first grade NRL back in the ‘80s for the Eels, Rabbits and Sharks, I still have a soft spot for the Eels. I also support the Swans and Sydney FC.

What do you do for work? I’m a lawyer with 30 years experience. I am JFK Legal, a mobile legal service based in the Eastern Suburbs. I specialise in accident law, compensation law, wills and probate, disputed wills, litigation and court representation. I understand that each person’s claim is important and I take every case personally. I work on my own so you’ll only deal with me. I provide quality work and will fight for you to get you the best result. I’m a former Australian Under 18s rugby league representative and first grade NRL player, so I know what it takes to win. My motto is “All the way with JFK”, and you can reach me on 96654846. What's your favourite thing about work? I enjoy helping people who, through no fault of their own, have been injured and need help. I can’t bring back their health, but I can support them and help them to win their case and bring a smile to their face, financially compensate them and make their future more secure. Do you have a favourite quote? “It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.” Vince Lombardi. Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.


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Coogee Pavilion are two favourites. The deck at South Coogee Bowling Club is a recent discovery. Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? The coastline. It really is amazing and I never tire of it. Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? There are too many people who are focused on keeping up with the Joneses. Unfortunately it’s starting to change the community feel we all know and love. Do you have a favourite sporting team? I was born into a Roosters family, but I have also developed a soft spot for Souths over time. What music are you into at the moment? I’ve been listening to a lot of Fleetwood Mac lately. Who is your favourite person? My children, Frances and Callum. What do you get up to on the weekends? A swim (for most of the year), catching up with friends and family, and sitting in traffic while ferrying the kids to and from sport! Coogee's skin guru.

friends, my family, beautiful beaches and great schools.

What do you do for work? I recently opened my dermal and skin clinic, Select Skin, on Carrington Road in Coogee, where I offer a range of skin treatments for teenagers, men and women. I had a skin clinic at The Spot for many years, so it’s great to be back looking after my local clients. You can check out my website at www.selectskin.com.au.

What's your favourite beach? Coogee Beach is my happy place. It’s where I walk and swim, and also help out at the surf club with water safety.

What's your favourite thing about work? Helping people achieve their goals for their skin, especially when skin problems are overcome and their confidence is boosted.

What's your favourite eatery? Little Kitchen on Arden Street, sitting outside with the dog and a glass of wine on a Sunday afternoon.

Do you have a favourite quote? “You get back in life what you give out.”

LOCAL CHICK... MELANIE RUSSELL FROM COOGEE Interview and Picture James Hutton

C

oogee’s Melanie Russell was born in Bondi and has lived all over the Eastern Suburbs. Melanie recently opened her own dermal skin clinic, Select Skin, on Carrington Road, Coogee. She shares her local favourites with The Beast... How long have you lived here? I’ve lived in the Eastern Suburbs all my life. I was born and bred in Bondi and have also lived in Randwick, Mascot, Maroubra, Coogee and Kensington. Why do you live here? I couldn't live anywhere else! Everything I want is right here - lifelong 20 The Beast | May 2018

Where do you like to have a drink? The DOG in Randwick, where I worked many years go, and the

Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? If you love being a local, try and support local community causes and buy from local businesses.


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LUNA Age 12 months Sex Female Breed Wolfhound x Weight 26kg

The victors, by Bernadette Johnson McAlinden.

THUMBS UP MAROUBRA UNITED BOARDRIDERS The local team of Jake Scott, Blake Thornton, Monty Tait, Troy Van Vliet and Max McGuigan took out the 2018 Sailor Jerry Surftag Qualifier at Cronulla last month. JOKOWI Progressive Indonesian President Joko Widodo recently threw his support behind Australia becoming a member of ASEAN. CUTTING IMMIGRATION We rarely agree with Tony Abbott but he’s right about this. Let’s give Sydney’s infrastructure a chance to catch up with the huge population increase over recent years. EQUALITY OF OPPORTUNITY That great Australian value that seems to be going the way of the Tasmanian Tiger, and something desperately needs to be done about it.

THUMBS DOWN MOB PSYCHOLOGY That dangerous situation where one's behaviour is influenced by the loss of individual responsibility within a crowd. PLASTIC STRAWS How these wasteful and pointless pollutants haven’t already been banned in Australia is beyond us. WAVERLEY COLLEGE Creating a ‘safe environment’ for their students by pissing off their neighbours with a leaf blower every morning at 7am. SHOWY BLOW-INS With all the poverty and suffering in the world today, it’s hard to justify the need for a fancy, oversized $300,000 car just to drop the kids off at school each morning. 22 The Beast | May 2018

Luna is a gentle girl who is very social with other dogs. She walks well on a loose lead but can bark at other animals. She likes to run and enjoys a pat. Luna is child tolerant and copes well with noise and movement, but she can be reactive to other dogs. She knows how to ‘sit’ and is very trainable. Luna comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free, and microchipped. Also included for the love and health of Luna is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For more details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email monika@doggierescue.com.

KHALEESI Age 12 months Sex Female Breed Staffy x Weight 12.7kg Khaleesi is a very active girl who loves kisses and cuddles. She needs to be kept busy with games and toys and plenty of exercise. We suspect her hearing may be slightly impaired, which can be a good thing if you plough loudly. She has a short coat and weighs a healthy 12.7kg. Khaleesi comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free, and microchipped. Also included for the love and health of Khaleesi is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For more details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email monika@doggierescue.com.

MYSTERY Age 12 months Sex Female Breed Kelpie x Weight 19.1kg Mystery is a very friendly, happy girl who is social and playful with other dogs. She also loves to be around children and would suit a family environment. Mystery has plenty of energy but she's not annoying like a 16 year-old girl on cocaine. She walks well on lead and has a short coat. Mystery comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free, and microchipped. Also included for the love and health of Mystery is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For more details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email monika@doggierescue.com.


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Taking out the trash.

BONDI LOCALS TAKE LITTER PROBLEM INTO OWN HANDS (LITERALLY) Words Siriol Dafydd Picture Con Tainer

W

hether you believe in evolution or think God made the world in six days (chucking a sickie on the seventh like a good Aussie), I think we can all agree that somehow humans were miraculously given an amazing planet to call home. And, in the years since we came to be, we have slowly but surely proceeded to fudge that planet up. Humans, it seems, are innately selfish beings, many of whom are unable to fathom the effect their actions have on other living things. Or, even worse, just don’t really care. We’ve all been guilty of mindlessly consuming single-use plastic at one point or another without any real knowledge of the damage it is causing (ban the bloody bags, I beg of you!). Ignorance is indeed bliss, so I can kind of forgive the uneducated for not making the best choices. Choosing to throw your garbage 24 The Beast | May 2018

on the floor, however, is as inexcusable as Janet Jackson’s nipple piercing - it’s not pretty, we don’t need to see it, and the harm caused by exposure to it can last forever. Luckily, there are decent humans left in the world and many of those live in the Eastern Suburbs, giving up their own time to rid our streets of litter. In other words, they spend their Sundays picking up after inconsiderate cretins who would rather pollute the streets and oceans with crap than find the nearest bin. Meet Michael Harding, a 30 year-old personal trainer and plumber living in Bondi. Fed up with the state of our streets, he started a ‘Bagging Up Bondi’ Facebook Group. Every week, he sends a message to the group noting a time and place to meet. Providing garbage bags and gloves at his own expense, he then sends groups off to designated areas for

an hour or so of collecting rubbish. During the short time Mr Harding has been organising these events, he’s found used condoms, needles, hundreds of Messina cups and thousands of cigarette butts, to name but a few. Mr Harding believes our biggest problem is the ignorance people have towards littering. “Flicking a cigarette butt doesn’t seem like much, but when you find a few hundred in an hour, you realise how detrimental it is to our planet,” Mr Harding explained to The Beast. “They don’t break down; they absorb into our soils and water systems. It blows my mind how bad the situation is.” Michael Harding is not alone in his concerns. Several other groups exist, including ‘Responsible Runners’, which started as a small group of runners picking up rubbish on Bondi Beach in


2012 and now has 15 groups scattered across Australia. Working alongside the Australian Marine Debris Initiative, they meet once a month to clean up our beaches while (sometimes) exercising and (always) socialising. “There are so many gross things we have found, it's hard to choose the worst!” Eva Kiss, Creative Director at Responsible Runners, told The Beast. “Syringes, big broken shards of glass, condoms, leaking glow sticks, fishing hooks, the list goes on. But if I had to name my biggest enemy, it has to be cigarette butts - the most littered and toxic item by far.” To give you a short science lesson, the chemicals found in one cigarette butt can contaminate approximately 7.5 litres of water. Now think about how often people flick their butts into the drains that lead to our oceans. We’re essentially poisoning the waves we (and marine life) swim in. According to NSW Environment Minister Gabrielle Upton, The NSW Government will spend over $30 million over the next four years to help stop littering through a local Litter Prevention Program. “So far over 150 local programs have been funded, including the purchase of an on-street bin cleaner, more rubbish and cigarette butt bins, better enforcement and litter reduction education campaigns,” she told The Beast. So what next? We could wait for our government and authorities to eventually clean up our mess, or we could literally take matters into our own hands. Ultimately, until we stop causing the problem in the first place, then the problem will always exist. Humans have the power to stop littering, it’s actually quite easy - don’t be a douche, don’t litter, done! But until the day where no thoughtless heathens are left in existence, you can do your part by searching for ‘Bagging Up Bondi’ or ‘Responsible Runners (Bondi Beach)’ on Facebook and attending a clean-up day. This planet’s been quite good to us all in all; let’s return the favour, hey?

HOW DO YOU REDUCE YOUR IMPACT ON THE LOCAL ENVIRONMENT? Words and Pictures Stiffy McPherson

Elaine TAMARAMA I ride a bike that’s about fifty years old, and I use that to go just about everywhere. I also use Car Next Door, so I don’t even own a car; I don’t need one. Half the furniture in my place is stuff I found on the street or bought second hand. It’s amazing how much good gear gets chucked out around here! We’ve just started using a delivery service for food as well, so we have zero food wastage, and I don’t buy meat, but I’ll eat it if it’s there.

Jiri BONDI JUNCTION I ride a bicycle; I just rode it to Bondi to see Pat the Rat from Sunburnt Mess. I also have a motorbike for when I need to do longer trips, which burns less fuel and takes up less space on the road. I have my own reusable shopping bags as well, but sometimes I’ll use a plastic bag if I really have to. I’m mindful of how much water I use and I also divide all my rubbish into plastics, general waste, etc. so I hope that makes a difference.

Rachel COOGEE I don’t use plastic bags at all these days, I’ve got a few reusable ones that I take to the supermarket with me when I do my shopping. They’ve actually stopped using plastic bags in a couple of the Coogee supermarkets, which is great. I also try to reduce my usage of plastic straws because they’re not biodegradable. I saw a video of a turtle with a straw stuck in its nose and I’ve hardly used one since. May 2018 | The Beast 25


E.T. phone Ofo.

DOCKLESS BIKES REMAIN A LOCAL NUISANCE Words Siriol Dafydd Picture Henry Thomas

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espite new regulations put in place a few months ago, dockless bikes continue to be the bane of local authorities’ existence. Back on March 5, Waverley Council announced that they were impounding abandoned bikes. Council rangers (who already cop enough agro as it is) went out and collected 65 of the buggers, with each bike costing $70 if the relevant share bike companies wanted to retrieve them. A spokesperson for Waverley Council told The Beast, “Council has retrieved bikes which were damaged and considered inoperable from pools, trees, beaches and cliffs. This is of concern because it seems bikes are being vandalised by people who are unlikely to be customers of the share bike companies.” At the end of March, mayors from six Inner Sydney councils, including Waverley and Randwick, called for immediate action from the NSW Government, asking them to work alongside councils to update legislation which they feel is “rapidly being outstripped by the emerging bike share industry”. The bike companies meanwhile are doing their best to remain on 26 The Beast | May 2018

the positive side. Ofo announced their partnership with Bicycle New South Wales, hoping that together they could shift behaviour towards bike sharing and get more people pedalling the roads. Through a string of events and educational campaigns, they hope to help familiarise locals with bike sharing and inform them on how best to use the service (i.e. not leave bikes in stupid places). Commenting on the partnership, Craig Meagher, CEO of BNSW said, “Bike sharing has huge potential to become an essential part of Sydney’s transport infrastructure. Not only will it help alleviate pressure on the city’s roads and public transport, it could also help reduce the city’s carbon emissions to levels that Sydney, as a member of the United Nations Development Program’s C40 Cities initiatives, has committed to.” Meanwhile, Mina Nada, General Manager of Mobike told The Beast, “We share the concerns of Waverley Council over the yellow bike eyesore that has hit some areas due to irresponsible fleet management by some operators.” Shots fired! Mr Nada continued, “We do

not actively deploy our bikes within Waverley Council as we consider the terrain to be challenging for non-motorised cycling, however our fleet maintenance team regularly service any bikes which are ridden into the area.” A Reddy Go spokesperson told The Beast, “Helmet theft and bike damage are an issue for us as well as the bike sharing industry as a whole. We recognise the importance of maintaining good relationships with the public and the local councils. We have strived to do this from day one, but along the way various factors have contributed to a decline in trust in the industry. Despite some of the difficulties, Reddy Go most certainly sees a positive future for share bikes in Sydney, and we look forward to continued dialogue and cooperation with councils.” As for solving the issue of idiots wreaking havoc, Waverley Council explained, “Education about share bikes for both users and the community is an ongoing issue. Council will continue to assess and monitor the performance of share bikes and take action when necessary.” In a joint statement on March 29, the six councils said they will “work together to propose new State Government legislation or regulation that can make commercial bike sharing succeed without local communities bearing the costs”. Meanwhile, Mobike believes Sydney could learn from their partnership with City of Gold Coast, where they established marked parking hubs, particularly in high use areas, to encourage responsible bike parking. But does any of this really solve anything? It seems that the actual bike users cause very few of the issues when it comes to abandoned bikes. You can educate and regulate your customers all you want, but until we find a way to stop the clowns who are transporting them to idiotic places and vandalising them purely for their own amusement, will anything actually change?


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BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Lisa Anderson Picture Melody Mahoney BREASTFEEDING SUPPORT Mothering comes with many rewards, but it also has its challenges. The Australian Breastfeeding Association (ABA) can help you celebrate and enjoy the rewards of parenthood while also providing support during the challenging times. ABA holds regular meet-ups, discussion meetings and breastfeeding education classes about 3-4 times per month in the Eastern Suburbs. More information on these meetings can be found at www.breastfeeding.asn. au/node/24894/events. If you would like to talk to a qualified breastfeeding counsellor, please call the 24-hour Breastfeeding Helpline on 1800 686 268. WAVERLEY CROWNS A NEW KING Waverley Council recently appointed Ross McLeod as its new General Manager. Mr McLeod comes from Hastings District Council in the Hawkes Bay Region of New Zealand, where he was CEO for ten years. Mr McLeod was chosen from a field of 38 national and international candidates and has extensive experience in asset management, com-

Crystal clear.

munity engagement and development of organisational culture. His experience working with Kiwis will also come in handy for the role, seeing as more of them live in Bondi than in New Zealand. For further information, please visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au. SUICIDE SUPPORT GROUP If you’ve been touched by suicide, there is no need to suffer alone. Now there is a safe space where you can talk with others who have shared a similar experience. Meetings are held once a month and provide a source of support, connection and information for anyone who has been impacted. The free, confidential groups are facilitated by a clinical psychologist and social worker and the next meeting will be held on May 1 from 6.00-7.30pm at JewishCare, Woollahra. Please email familyandfriends@jewishcare.com.au. 20 YEARS OF SHAVING LIVES Royal Randwick Shopping Centre, together with Just Cuts Randwick, recently joined forces for the 20th anniversary of the Leukaemia Foundation’s World’s Great-

est Shave. Over $540 was raised on the day, with all funds going directly towards helping to beat blood cancer. Locals Tal Izenberg and his father Zohar were first to complete head shaves on the day, followed by legendary 11 year-old Laurence Kiely. The money raised will give families facing blood cancer the free emotional and practical support they need, as well as helping to fund vital research. GET TUBED Randwick City is the first council in Australia to install rescue tube units on all of its beaches. The Tube Unit Initiative (TUI) is a system designed to be used as a rescue device during the time when a beach is not patrolled by lifeguards. The TUI, named in a tribute to Tui Gallaher, who drowned at Maroubra in 2016, consists of a rescue tube stationed close to the water’s edge fitted with a light, whistle and instructions. When the tube is removed from its housing station an alarm sounds and sends an SMS alert and GPS location to the local emergency services. For more information, visit www.randwick.nsw.gov.au.


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The new Tamarama Casino.

TAMARAMA ON TARGET FOR NEW CLUB Words Duncan Horscroft Picture Andrew Farley

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amarama Beach was once Sydney’s first coastal amusement park, originally called Bondi Aquarium before being renamed Wonderland Park. After the closure of the fun park a surf club was founded on the northern headland in 1906. Ever since the introduction of surf lifesaving the club has been able to boast “no lives lost” in more than a century of patrols by volunteer lifesavers and council lifeguards. But the clubhouse has not been able to withstand the test of time and the wrath of Mother Nature has taken its toll. As a result, a development application, in place since 2014, has been approved for the redevelopment of the club. Despite opposition from a number of local residents, Tamarama Surf Club Captain Tim Murray is confident that work will begin towards the end of this year. Mr Murray also said that an ongoing fundraising campaign had already raised $2.35 million - including a $350,000 State Government grant - of the $4.65

30 The Beast | May 2018

million needed for the project, and that they were on target to reach their goal. “We have people and organisations confirmed to give us money and it’s all coming together with good clarity to raise $4 million,” Mr Murray told The Beast. “As a small club it is a lot of money to rebuild, and it has been a lot of work to raise that money.” “There has been good support and advice from some of our members who have experience in building and construction. With all going well we could be underway between September and December.” Mr Murray said that there were initially a lot of people “aggressively opposed” to the project, with some suggesting it would be a “casino on the point”. He explained that the club had repositioned itself and was focusing on community awareness and surf education in the new building. “We have been running a Migrant Day once a month with education and training programs

to make them more surf aware. We also have an aboriginal outreach program, which has resulted in a few of the young Indigenous kids taking part in Nippers,” Mr Murray said. “The new building will give us more space to run these programs, and more people will be able to take advantage of our surf education sessions.” “Around two million people walk past Tamarama Surf Club every year and half of them would be migrants. We now hold sessions for around 700 migrants every year and hope to build that up to around 10,000.” He said the club was not going to be a social venue like North Bondi and Bronte, as many believe, and that their aim was to be more relevant to the broader community. “We will be keeping the same envelope as the existing building and the external walls will remain. Of course this will all be subject to an engineering assessment once work gets underway,” he said.


Randwick Council’s draft Budget & Operational Plan for 2018-19 outlines Council’s proposed activities and expenditure for the coming year and is on public exhibition for community comment throughout May. The budget is set to deliver $67M in new community initiatives, programs and activities. This includes 4.9km of road upgrades, 3km of new and improved footpaths, a new Gymnastics and Indoors Sports Centre, a Cultural Centre, two major playground upgrades, undergrounding powerlines and various building and public toilet upgrades at La Perouse, Malabar, Yarra Bay and Maroubra. This Budget delivers for the community what we promised. We’re continuing our tradition of responsible and sound financial practices and getting on with the business of providing the community with top quality services, facilities and programs. The 2018-19 Budget is the first year of Council’s proposed Our Community Our Future program which was widely consulted with the community and is currently awaiting final determination from the Independent Pricing & Regulatory Tribunal which is expected in mid-May. Councillor Lindsay Shurey Mayor of Randwick 2 May Author Talk: Conversation With Alice Pung 6:30-7:30pm Margaret Martin Library

16 May Library Bridge Club 1:30-3:30pm Lionel Bowen Library, Maroubra

4 May Table Tennis For Fun 1:00-3:00pm Lionel Bowen Library

25 May Sea Side Singers 6:30-7:30pm Lionel Bowen Library, Maroubra

9 May Fred Hollows Reserve Bushcare 9:00am-1:00pm Bligh Street end of Fred Hollows Reserve

26 May Free Helping Children Learn (All Ages) 10:00am-12:00pm Margaret Martin Library

1300 722 542 council@randwick.nsw.gov.au www.randwick.nsw.gov.au PHOTO: MAROUBRA BEACH


The real VIPs.

FOREVER JOHNNO: KEEPING JOHN'S MEMORY ALIVE WHILE HELPING SICK KIDS Words Tara Hayes Picture Stephen Holt

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he annual Forever Johnno fundraiser, kicking off at 7.00pm on May 25, will bring our whole community together for the 18th year in a row to remember a beautiful boy and raise muchneeded funds for sick kids in hospital. Local legend Mal Ward started the monster raffle and auction six months after his son John was diagnosed with liver disease, a battle he sadly lost in 2008 at the age of nine. “Anyone who knew John just loved him, he was so wonderful,” Mr Ward told The Beast. “He loved the Roosters, which he got from me, going to footy games and swimming at Coogee Beach.” In memory of his son, Mr Ward has continued to support our local children’s hospitals through his annual Forever Johnno fundraiser held in the Sports Bar at the Coogee Bay Hotel, as well as the yearly Christmas present drive.

32 The Beast | May 2018

Buying a raffle ticket, bidding at the auction or making a donation will go a long way to helping Mr Ward reach his goal of $10,000. You may even find yourself heading home at the end of the night with one of the great prizes or auction items up for grabs, including vouchers from Coogee’s popular brunch and coffee spot Courtyard, Madame Tussauds passes, a beauty package or even your favourite football team’s signed jersey. Nick Andrews & Friends will be returning to perform live once again this year and are sure to keep you on your feet and dancing. With a room full of familiar faces, tasty finger food, beverages and a great community atmosphere, Mr Ward sure knows how to put on an enjoyable evening. “Everyone is welcome to come, so spread the word and bring your mates,” Mr Ward said. “It’s a great night that raises money for a very important cause.”

All funds collected will go directly to the Clancy Ward in the Children’s Hospital at Westmead where John received most of his care. This unit specialises in liver and kidney transplants and cares for patients under the age of 18 prior to and after their procedures. “We are very grateful for the money raised through fundraisers like Mal’s and his family’s,” Clancy Ward’s Acting Unit Manager Dorothea Hamilton told The Beast. “It allows us to buy equipment and aids including prams, wheelchairs and specialised occupational therapy chairs. We also use the funds for supporting transplant nursing education and paediatric monitoring machines.” The nurses from the Clancy Ward, including Ms Hamilton, make a big effort to attend the fundraiser each year. Mr Ward said that, despite some very well-known guests in attendance, the nurses are the “real VIPs” and they are admired for their dedication and work. The community’s continued support over the years of fundraising is greatly appreciated and Mr Ward insists that he will keep the Forever Johnno charity alive as long as there are kids in need. “Kids keep getting sick and the hospital relies on a lot of funding from the community,” Mr Ward told The Beast. “I’m always going to keep doing it in John’s name and memory.” So please come down to the Coogee Bay Hotel from 7.00pm on May 25 with your friends and family to help support this great cause. If you can’t make it on the night you can still make a donation to the Clancy Ward through the Forever Johnno Facebook page. Any prizes or auction donations from businesses or individuals are also greatly appreciated. The Forever Johnno Monster Raffle and Auction will take place in the Sports Bar at the Coogee Bay Hotel on Friday, May 25 from 7.00pm. For more information, or if you’d like to make a donation, email mal@greataussiebbq.com.


MAYOR‘S MESSAGE Dockless bikes We have had a second clean up of the broken share bikes which have caused a problem in local parks, beaches and streets and we’ve also approved Council’s new Bike Advisory Committee. The committee will oversee cycling infrastructure in Waverley. We support the share bike scheme completely and want to see it become an everyday form of transport in the eastern suburbs, just like privately-owned bikes. Unfortunately the roll out was flawed, but we are working with share bike operators to make sure it’s a success. After the clean ups, it’s clear the area looks better and residents and visitors have responded well to our actions.

Council goes live Waverley Council and Committee meetings are now streamed live, making them accessible to everyone. The first live-streamed Council meeting was Tuesday, 20 March.

Events The Global Table Sunday 6 May, 11am–4pm Oxford Street Mall, Bondi Junction Join us for a celebration of cultural diversity through the two global languages – music and food! Global Table is a cultural extravaganza of food, music, dancing and entertainment for the whole family. Enjoy the cooking aromas, the exotic sight of dancers from around the world, and the sound of happy children with painted faces.

The Nib presents Fiona Harari and ‘Talking With Australia’s Oldest Holocaust Survivors’

Users can access the live stream and meeting recordings via http://webcast.waverley.nsw.gov.au/video.php

Thursday 10 May, 6.30–8pm Waverley Library Theatrette FREE For those who survived the atrocities of Nazism, liberation came with the enormous weight of guilt and memory. Author Fiona Harari has captured the inspiring stories of 18 of these brave survivors in her new book. Together they paint a harrowing but ultimately hopeful picture of their experiences during the war and the new lives they made for themselves after migrating to Australia.

John Wakefield, Mayor of Waverley

For more event info visit our website waverley.nsw.gov.au.

Waverley joins an increasing number of councils taking advantage of technology to create a more open and accessible approach to council business. It means ratepayers can watch critical decisionmaking in action from anywhere. Meetings are streamed in high definition and saved as a video recording which is then published online within 48 hours of the meeting.

CUSTOMER SERVICE CENTRE 55 Spring Street, Bondi Junction NSW 2022 PO Box 9, Bondi Junction NSW 1355 PHONE 9083 8000 WEB waverley.nsw.gov.au

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MORE BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Lisa Anderson Picture Bill Morris Instagram @billmorris SHOW US YA SAUSAGE The pro-protein Meatstock Festival will take place at Sydney Olympic Park from May 5-6, featuring bands, barbecues, butchers, bourbon and plenty of beer. The flaming hot two-day line-up will include the ‘Barbecue and Butcher Wars’ competition, as well as plenty of demonstrations and workshops. The event is garnished with a backdrop of live bands including Tex Perkins, Henry Wagons, Nicole Brophy, The Davidson Brothers, That Red Head, Sweet Jelly Rolls, Strange Daddy, The Bounty Hunters, Kate Rose and The Little Quirks. Book your spot at www.meatstock.com.au. HOMELESS, HOMELESS, MOONLIGHT SLEEPING ON A MIDNIGHT LAKE Waverley Council has asked residents not to leave unwanted goods at the back of Bondi Pavilion for the homeless population that live there. Council staff pay particular attention to the Pavilion, cleaning and removing unattended items twice a week. Council would prefer residents to recycle unwanted items through services such as www.waysidechapel.org.au if they would like to help the local home-

Bleary-eyed.

less people. Waverley Council works in partnership with several specialist homelessness support agencies and an outreach team visits homeless people across the LGA each week to offer assistance and access to accommodation. TOLL HOUSE COLLECTS $2.2 MILLION Centennial Parklands will invest $2.2 million dollars to restore and revitalise the only surviving metropolitan two-storey toll house in NSW. Located at the Anzac Parade and Cleveland Street intersection, the toll house is a rare and representative example of the toll houses built in the 1800s to fund the construction and maintenance of roads in the state. The heritage building will now undergo major conservation works to stabilise, refurbish and restore the building’s integrity, bringing new life back to a part of Sydney’s history. Please visit blog.centennialparklands. com.au/moore-park-toll-house/. BREAKING THE CYCLE Randwick City Council is proposing to allocate some of its affordable housing homes to help local women and children break the cycle of domestic violence. Under

the initiative, a proportion of Council’s affordable rental housing portfolio will be made available specifically for women and children exiting emergency refuges into more stable medium-term accommodation. In Randwick City between 2016 and 2017, there were 373 reports made to police of women or children suffering at the hands of another person. If approved, the scheme could commence operating this year once the affordable rental properties become available. Please visit www.randwick.nsw.gov.au. EXERCISE RIGHT Recent studies show that exercise is a wonderful way to promote healing throughout the body. Local physio practice UprightCare is excited to host a free community workshop on exercising with back pain and other injuries from 6.00pm on May 22. The workshop will cover areas such as the optimal amount of exercise, and what kinds of exercise to do when you’re injured or in pain. The workshop will include Q&A and practical components, and all ages are welcome to attend. Bookings are essential and can be made by emailing info@uprightcare.com.au.


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Rare blue ocean stones.

CLOVELLY RESIDENTS RAISE CONCERNS ABOUT LOCAL POOL Words Siriol Dafydd Picture Amanda Pickstone

I

f you’re a Clovelly local, the joy of finding light blue bits floating around at the shallow end of the beach is a tale as old as time. One minute you’re frolicking in the shallow water, minding your own business, the next you’re mesmerised (and somewhat confused) by the cyan segments residing amongst the seaweed, stones and sand. At first glance they look quite exotic and maybe even a little bit special, but then you realise that it’s actually just tiny bits of paint peeling off the side of the manky ocean pool - there goes your crafty retirement plan of selling rare blue ocean stones on the black market. Indeed, this has apparently been an issue in Clovelly for decades. A regular swimmer told The Beast that this problem existed when he was in the Nippers back in the 1970s! Now we’re not saying it’s akin to a great white shark stalking the beach on a weekly basis, or a massive oil tanker leaking nearby, but surely if this is a known issue and it has been for quite some time 36 The Beast | May 2018

- something could (and should) be done about it. A concerned local, Amanda, fears that it boils down to a lack of care and maintenance for the pool. “I previously lived in North Wollongong, where the ocean pool was emptied and pressure hosed weekly,” Amanda told The Beast. “ The Wollongong and Port Kembla ocean pools are maintained by Council and have full time staff or lifesavers watching. As for Clovelly and the age of the pool, there’s no way I would swim in it. It’s not clean or maintained, and it’s not manned, which could be a safety issue.” After contacting Randwick Council, Amanda received a call from the maintenance department confirming that they were aware of the issue. They also confirmed that the pool, due to its age, was scheduled to be repaired and resurfaced, but in the interim measures had been put in place (a hessian bag over the drain) to collect the paint chips while the pool was being pressure hosed.

“Randwick Council knows how much regulars at Clovelly Ocean Pool love swimming laps in the relative shelter of Clovelly Beach,” a Randwick Council spokesperson told The Beast. “Our staff conduct weekly cleaning and maintenance of the pool. Some paint chips were dislodged during a recent clean and as a result staff now install a filter bag over the pool opening valve in order to trap and prevent any foreign objects from entering the bay when cleaning occurs,” the spokesperson said. When questioned about any refurbishment or repair plans, Randwick Council confirmed that they are currently in the process of looking into it and are discussing various options but cannot confirm any major upgrades at this stage. It looks like potential change could be on the cards and the days of looking at paint samples during your morning swim at Clovelly may soon be a thing of the past. We’ll keep you posted.


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Le Jardin.

THE LEGACY OF A SECRET GARDEN Words Siriol Dafydd Picture Maclay Heriot

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ost residents of Hall Street, Bondi Beach, would be completely unaware of the incredible enchanting garden that’s nestled behind a cheap and cheerful nail salon on the popular strip. But for the lucky few, a private oasis looms once you walk through the hallway of an otherwise unimpressive block of flats. Home to an eclectic mix of locals and travellers over the years, this wild and ever-blooming garden has seen babies, backpackers, hippies and hipsters enjoy its leafy surrounds. It’s also seen its fair share of famous faces. For years the garden was loved and tended to by photographer Stuart Campbell. Those of you who have been around Bondi long enough may have known him as a man and a friend, but more likely as the lunatic hanging out of his window barking barbed jibes at passing backpackers. Stuart was renowned not only for his acerbic wit but also his re38 The Beast | May 2018

markable photography. Although trained as an actor, throughout the ‘80s and ‘90s he made his living predominantly by photographing actors for their head-shots, capturing an endless list of Australian greats including Mel Gibson, John Bell, Jacki Weaver and Colin Friels. He also photographed male nudes and centrefolds for magazines like Cleo and Vogue. Over the years, numerous actors, musicians, writers and artists visited his Bondi home and many were photographed by Stuart in the modest studio of his top floor flat. His routine notoriously consisted of catching his subjects at their most vulnerable upon their arrival by greeting them with, “Come in and take all your clothes off.” Actor Simon Burke, directors Gillian Armstrong and Richard Wherrett, producer Jane Scott, and world class violinist, composer and conductor, Richard Tognetti are a few of the many that graced the grounds of this hidden Hall

Street treasure. But perhaps the most interesting of all was a young Irish traveller who stayed with Stuart for a few months as a favour to a friend of a friend. A freshfaced nineteen year-old aspiring actor at the time, he agreed to be photographed by Stuart in his underwear. Years later, Stuart sold these photographs for a pretty penny. As it turns out, people will pay quite a bit for half-naked photos of a young Colin Farrell! Now, nine years after his death, and with half of his ashes scattered amongst the soil, plants and trees he loved so much, the photographic tradition of the garden continues in the form of Maclay Heriot. Originally from Wollongong, Maclay spends half his time touring the world with bands like Portugal. The Man, and the other half in Bondi. He’s covered endless festivals such as Coachella, Groovin’ The Moo, Big Day Out, Lollapalooza Chicago, Austin City Limits and Primavera Sound. He too uses his flat and garden as a backdrop for some of his work, with artists like Atlas Franklin Alexander, Odette and Peking Duk all being shot there recently. When he’s not working, he’s often surrounded by musicians who visit the garden from time to time. Bands including Gang of Youths, The Ruminaters, Grouplove and Delta Riggs have all sat around the large table in the backyard of an evening. Maclay, who has his first solo exhibition in Sydney on April 30, aspires to one day bring all the local Bondi bands together in the garden for a portrait session followed by a few cold ones. Perhaps Stuart - who eventually became disenchanted with Bondi thanks to its over-development and the influx of backpackers - would be happy to know that creative, arty types still reside in our midst and the legacy of his secret garden prevails. Maclay Heriot’s exhibition, showcasing his work and touring adventures over the last few years, will take place at Monster Children Gallery, 6 Australia Street, Camperdown from 6.00-9.00pm on April 30.


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EVEN MORE BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Lisa Anderson Picture Melody Mahoney SOPHIE’S BOYS The Beast has followed Sophie and Ash Smith’s journey over the past 12 years as they came to terms with the loss of their triplet sons by creating the Running for Premature Babies Foundation, only to face the diagnosis of Ash’s terminal illness and subsequent death to brain cancer in 2016. Two years on, Sophie now shares her story in a deeply personal memoir, Sophie’s Boys, written by local journalist Deborah Fitzgerald. To get your hands on a copy, please visit www. affirmpress.com.au. If you would like to join Sophie’s team in the SMH Half Marathon on May 20, please email Sophie at info@runningforprematurebabies.com. CRIME MAY PAY Local author Ged Gillmore’s crime thrillers are fast gaining cult status at home and overseas. Following the progress of hard-nosed ex-drug dealer Bill Murdoch, they provide a cynical look at how Australia is apparently ‘living the dream’. Gillmore has a reputation for crafting tense plots that suck readers in and drag them to a nail-biting finish. Base Nature, the

Squillionaires’ Row.

third book in his ‘Murdoch’ crime series, promises to be no exception. Please visit www.gedgillmore.com for more information. BADEN CROFT EXHIBITION 21 year-old emerging artist Baden Croft will be exhibiting his second solo show at Art2Muse Gallery from May 1-14. After a near sellout first exhibition at Art2Muse in 2017, Baden’s work has since greatly appreciated and is now sought after by designers and collectors. Baden’s paintings are influenced by life on the Australian coast and international locations including Morocco, Portugal, the Philippines and Samoa, where he spends endless hours surfing and exploring the native flora and marine life. For more information, please visit www.art2muse.com.au. UP THE WICKS! The month of May will see some exciting Shute Shield action at Coogee Oval as the Galloping Greens do battle with Eastwood, Norths and Manly in home games during the month. Saturday, May 5 is Ladies Day and the Wicks will be facing Eastwood. Keep an

eye on their Facebook page for booking details, sign up to their e-newsletter for updates on what’s happening each week, or visit www.randwickrugby.com.au for all of the above. Established in 1882, the club has produced Wallabies, Waratahs and international sevens players including household names like Matt ‘Skiddy’ Wright, Jack Johnson, and Lachlan Anderson, so get down to the oval by the sea and see some great rugby and community spirit in action. FOOD ALLERGIES ANONYMOUS Australia has one of the highest reported incidences of food allergies in the world and the numbers are growing at an alarming rate. During Food Allergy Week, Waverley Library is hosting ‘Allergy Awareness’ on May 16. The event is not just for kids with allergies, it is to make the whole community food allergy smart and is best suited to children aged 0-8 years and their carers, but all are welcome. To register a large group or class of children, please contact the Children’s Library on 9083 8722 or email library_events@waverley. nsw.gov.au.


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May 2018 | The Beast 41


May 2018 MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

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PORTUGAL. THE MAN LIVE Get down to the Enmore Theatre tonight to see Alaskan juggernaut Portugal. The Man belt out the tidy tunes from their latest album Woodstock, as well as a collection of hot favourites. For more information and to buy tickets, please visit www.frontiertouring.com.

AUTHOR TALK WITH ALICE PUNG Join award-winning author Alice Pung at Margaret Martin Library in the Royal Randwick Shopping Centre from 6.30-7.30pm as she discusses her recently published book, On John Marsden. Bookings are essential and can be made by visiting www.randwick.nsw.gov.au.

PIZZA & PINTS AT THE PAV Feeling peckish? Take advantage of Coogee Pavilion's awesome weeknight specials, with their famous pizzas only $15 from 5.007.00pm on the ground floor. That's right, no more excuses - turn off Netflix, grab your besties and get down to the Pav for a feed!

BADEN CROFT EXHIBITION 21 year-old emerging artist Baden Croft will be exhibiting his second solo show at Art2Muse Gallery in Double Bay from May 1-14. Baden's paintings are influenced by his travels and life on the Australian coast. For more information, visit www.art2muse.com.au.

BECOME A BUSHCARE VOLUNTEER Meet at the Bligh Street end of Fred Hollows Reserve at 9.00am on the second Wednesday of each month to become a bushcare volunteer and work with Council's Bushcare Officers on the bush regeneration program. Call the Bushcare Officer on 9093 6708.

THE NIB PRESENTS: FIONA HARARI Author Fiona Harari has captured the inspiring stories of eighteen brave holocaust survivors in her new book We Are Here. Join Fiona this evening from 6.30-8.00pm at Waverley Library Theatrette. For more information, please visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au.

BE FOOD ALLERGY SMART Get down to Waverley Library from 10.00-11.00am today for this informative allergy awareness event, presented as part of Allergy Week. It's free, and every child will receive a certificate for attending. To reserve your spot, please visit www.myfoodallergyfriends.com.

MARLON WILLIAMS AT THE METRO Get down to the Metro Theatre this evening to watch New Zealand's Marlon Williams perform tracks from his new album Make Way For Love, along with special guest The Weather Station. For more information and tickets, please visit www.frontiertouring.com.

CHARING CROSS DINING ROOM Not sure what to do for dinner this evening? The Charing Cross Hotel has recently refurbished the dining room and welcomed talented new Head Chef George Lyon to the team. To check out their delicious menu, please visit www.charingcrosshotel.com.au.

FREE RUNNING WORKSHOP Participate in this free community running workshop for beginners to pros this evening from 6.00pm and learn how to exercise correctly while suffering from back pain and other injuries. Bookings are essential and can be made by emailing info@uprightcare.com.au.

FOOD ADDICTS MEETINGS Tonight, Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) is hosting one of its twice weekly meetings, which are held every Wednesday at 7.00pm and Friday at 10.00am at Salvation Army Hall, 100 Boyce Road, Maroubra. For more information, visit www.foodaddicts.org.

MALONEYS HOME DELIVERY Too lazy to do your grocery shopping? Maloneys offers a complete home delivery service, so there's no excuses for living on Domino's and Deliveroo. Get your order in by 7.00pm and it'll be delivered fresh to your door the next day. Visit www.maloneysgrocer.com.au.

VIVID SYDNEY IS BACK Vivid Sydney kicked off on May 25 and runs until June 16. See Sydney in all its lit-up glory and thank your lucky stars that you live in the best city on Earth. Watch light-art sculptures and large-scale projections transform the skyline. Visit www.vividsydney.com.

AFFORDABLE YOGA Keen to try yoga but aren't really into ‘the scene’? Head to the Randwick Literary Institute every Tuesday and Thursday from 6.30-7.30am to take advantage of Randwick Community Yoga's weekly class for $10. For more information, call 0488 343 666.

CURRY OR PIE? Get down to the Robin Hood Hotel on Wednesday nights from 5pm for $20 specials on the bistro's delicious curries and pies. The deal includes a complimentary house beer, wine or soft drink. For more information, please visit www.robinhoodhotel.com.au.

PARKLANDS KIDS ACTIVITIES Are your ‘little darlings’ driving you up the wall? Confiscate their mobile phones and bring them to Centennial Parklands for plenty of fun outdoor activities this autumn. For more information and to book, please visit www.centennialparklands.com.au/whatson.

MISSY HIGGINS AT THE ENMORE Get down to the Enmore Theatre tonight or tomorrow evening to watch singer-songwriter Missy Higgins launch her long-awaited fifth studio album Solastalgia, along with special guest Gordi. For more information, please visit www.frontiertouring.com.

JOIN WAVERLEY BUSHCARE Join like-minded locals and help make a difference to one of Waverley's special green spaces. You'll learn about native plants and wildlife and enjoy the benefits of time spent in nature. No experience is necessary. For more information, visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au.

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FRIDAY

SATURDAY

4 5 12 18 19 25 26

SUNDAY

6 13 20 27

A-LEAGUE GRAND FINAL For the first time since 2010, the A-League grand final is set to be played on a Saturday night this season. Regardless of which team you support, it's sure to be a spectacle. You can grab your tickets at www.sydneycricketground.com.au. We recommend booking early!

THE GLOBAL TABLE The Global Table is a celebration of cultural diversity through the two global languages of music and food, highlighted by a 35-metre long communal table running between the food stalls under the umbrellas of Oxford Street Mall, Bondi Junction today.

RANDWICK v NORTHERN SUBURBS Get down to Coogee Oval today for ‘Rohrig Day’ and watch the mighty Wicks do battle with the boys from Northern Suburbs. Games start from 11.00am and the first grade match will kick off at 3.00pm. For more information, visit www.randwickrugby.com.au.

MOTHER’S DAY Be the first to post a photo of your mum on Instagram, telling everyone how beautiful and amazing she is, even though you haven't called her for months. Failure to mention your mum on social media today will result in omission from her will, so don't forget.

TASTE OF KAKADU FESTIVAL Kakadu will become nature’s grandest outdoor kitchen as it brings native food chefs together for Australia’s premier Indigenous food festival. Running from May 18-27, there's never been a better excuse to visit the NT. Visit parksaustralia.gov.au/kakadu/taste/.

SYDNEY SWANS v FREMANTLE Get down to the Sydney Cricket Ground this evening from 7.25pm to watch the mighty Sydney Swans take on the Fremantle Dockers. There's simply no better sport to watch live, so jump online and grab the hottest tickets in town at www.sydneycricketground.com.au.

SMH HALF MARATHON Do you often joke that if people see you running they should run too, because clearly something must be chasing you? Well perhaps it's time to review your attitude to exercise and sign up for the SMH Half Marathon! You can register at www.smhhalfmarathon.com.au.

FOREVER JOHNNO RAFFLE Local legend Mal Ward will be hosting the Forever Johnno Monster Raffle and Auction tonight at the Coogee Bay Hotel Sports Bar from 7.00pm. Expect great live music and good vibes as they raise money for the Clancy Ward in the Children’s Hospital at Westmead.

RANDWICK v MANLY Get down to Coogee Oval today for ‘Nura Gili Day’ and witness the mighty Wicks as they do battle with the lads from Manly. Games start from 11.00am and the first grade match will kick off at 3.00pm. For more information, visit www.randwickrugby.com.au.

BONDI SUNDAY MARKETS Today, and every Sunday between 10.00am and 4.00pm, you’ll find clothing from up-and-coming designers, handmade jewellery, exotic imports, retro-chic furniture, vinyl records, homewares, one-off vintage pieces and more. Please visit www.bondimarkets.com.au.

TABLE TENNIS FOR FUN Come and ‘hit it off ’ with friends at Randwick Council’s weekly Table Tennis For Fun sessions, held every Friday from 1.003.00pm at Lionel Bowen Library, Maroubra. Bookings aren’t necessary. For more information, please visit www.randwick.nsw.gov.au.

Plumbing Steve Kova Blocked Drain Co. Ph: 0414 885 675 Fencing Troy Salvatico Jim’s Fencing Ph: 0405 543 530 Builder Mark Potocki Against The Grain Ph: 0415 688 562 Rubbish Removal Dave Whiteley Dave's Rubbish Ph: 0401 296 069 Mechanic Jordan Hayman JH Automotive Ph: 0424 144 987 Painter Brett Dooley Nielson Dooley Ph: 0404 888 089 BBQ Caterer Wardy Wardy & Sons Ph: 0414 293 396 Concrete Head Jay Rodney Oceanside Ph: 0411 989 565 Plumber Luke Fletcher Pipe Up Plumbing Ph: 0431 638 558 Locksmith Bradley Rope SOS Locksmiths Ph: 0498 767 767 Electrician Adrian Langen Langen Electrical Ph: 0400 006 008 Arborist Jeff Hunt Prompt Trees Ph: 0412 280 338

by visiting www.thebeast.com.au/events-guide


Bringing People Together

CLAYTON DONOVAN Interview James Hutton Picture Jeremy Greive

C

layton Donovan is well known for his skills in the kitchen and his work as a champion of bush foods, but he could have made a career as a musician or a professional sportsman had he chosen either of those paths. Clayton grew up on Gumbaynggirr and Bundjalung land on the Mid North Coast of New South Wales, where he learnt about native Indigenous superfoods from his aunties and grandmothers, taking what they found in the bush and cooking it up at home. According to his website, Clayton returned to Nambucca Heads in 2008 and opened his restaurant, Jaaning Tree, combining his international experience with his understanding of Australian native foods to produce a unique and contemporary cuisine with an Indigenous twist. His talent and hard work was recognised when he was awarded the Australian Good Food Guide Chef Hat four years running. In 2016 Clayton wrote and presented the popular ABC TV series, Wild Kitchen, which followed him on his travels through the Indigenous nations of the region, visiting farms and providores to source the freshest ingredients for his delicious creations. These days, Clayton is creating mind-blowing meals at corporate functions and public and private

events, and sharing his knowledge at schools with cooking lessons and mentoring programs. I first spoke with Clayton over the phone while he was in Tasmania working with MONA, in collaboration with Design Studio for Social Intervention, on the Public Kitchen concept, and again when we met for the cover shoot with photographers Jeremy Greive and JP Westlake. He's a larger than life character with a huge heart, and these experiences - getting to meet people like Clayton - are one of the many reasons Dan and I still love working on The Beast after more than 13 years. We hope you enjoy the read... G'day Clayton, thanks for your time. You grew up on the Mid North Coast, around Nambucca Heads? Just near there, Macksville, the same place as Phil Hughes and Greg Inglis. I'm a Macksville boy. Did you have an awesome childhood growing up around there? Yeah, it was a great place to grow up. The town's only got about 7,000 people, now it would only be around 10,000 tops. Country life, you know, not much going on, but there were some challenges. Shitloads of sport? Yeah, I used to skate and play footy - it's a real footy town. Footy in winter and

cricket in summer, that's what we did. Apart from that, I used to skate and surf. Me and my Italian friend used to skate all the time. Where are the best surf breaks up there? Scotts Head is the best, that's where I grew up.

My mother cooked really well. We didn't have any money and she cooked from a recipe book. It was like travelling around the world, and I really enjoyed that. How are the locals in the water? Is it a friendly spot or is it pretty localised? I grew up with Trent Munro, Neridah Falconer and Asher Pacey. My sister was really good too. Neridah Falconer said that my sister was the only person she was ever scared about taking her title. We have this really big surf and skate culture, in a very small place, like Venice Beach. You were going to become professional at one stage? Yeah, and I used to box as well, pretty efficiently. I played rugby league too. I got a scholarship to go further - same with boxing - but I broke my back. May 2018 | The Beast 45


You broke your back? Yeah, my thirteenth vertebrae, I severed my sciatic nerve, started losing my left side. Playing league? Yeah, playing rugby league. I was only a little guy but I could smash 'em, and I compressed my own disc tackling. What age were you when that happened? I was only 18. I moved out of home when I was 14, 13, 12... I can't remember, I've got a mental block. I was just cruising on the streets, just wandering between Sydney and the Gold Coast. I had a place at Scotts Head. My mates' mums used to look after me, they'd come and pick me up from Ballina and bring me home, stuff like that. I did that for years. But then I said, "Yeah, I've got to get my HSC, I've got to do shit," because that was the big be-all and end-all back then, but it didn't mean shit really. So, I made sure I went through high school, I did that and I was playing in bands too at the same time - I was a drummer - and then I moved away. I'd done my back in, I got addicted to painkillers for ages, and then played in bands up around Newcastle. Then I got to a stage, my grandfather was on his deathbed, and he said, "If you can do something for the rest of your life and you're passionate about it, you'll be the richest man in the world." For some unknown reason I chose cooking, because I could always cook I suppose. Then I moved to Sydney and the rest is history, just f*cking went bang! I spent seven years addicted to painkillers, and everything else. How did you get yourself off painkillers? Do you actually go and seek help? Or do you just go, "Right, f*ck it, this is it, I'm quitting"? I was addicted to heaps of shit. I was like, "F*ck it, I'm doing this," and I got off it. But then I just compensated with other stuff. How did you get into cooking in the first place? My mother cooked really well. We didn't have any money and she cooked from a recipe 46 The Beast | May 2018

book. It was like travelling around the world, and I really enjoyed that. I also grew up with my Italian mate and I'd go around to his place and eat his cooking - his dad's cooking, his grandmother's cooking - and I really enjoyed that Italian side of his family. I had another good friend, his mum cooked really well and looked after me when I was younger as well. I just thought it was the bee's knees. Food brings people together, makes you better.

I could walk around the backyard and see something and know whether or not you could eat it. I just loved it and it became an obsession. I thought, "Right, I need to become a chef." Can you tell us a bit about what you're doing in Tasmania right now? I get asked to do a lot of gigs. Sometimes I look at new gigs and then sometimes I don't, and with this one I just thought that I had to feel it and actually be here. It was one of those gigs where I was right. I'm working with MONA, in partnership with Public Kitchen, you just saw it on YouTube. It's part of time, it's part of history and it's also art. I'm working with a team that, first and foremost, makes positive change in a community, in the worst areas you can find. We're in this cul-de-sac just out of Hobart; the less privileged, the vulnerable, people who have been cast out of society. The government doesn't want to know about it, they just leave it there. No one's doing anything about it, they just walk away and leave them and it's really sad. There's drugs and alcohol, there's crime, but they're good people - they're really good people - and they're no different to me and you. When you were a young bloke - as young as 4 years old - you used

to go foraging with your Aunty Jess and your grandmothers; was that what originally sparked your interest in food, especially the native ingredients that you're now so well known for? It was weird hey, because I've got a lot of medicine men in my family. We were kind of outcasts with my family, it was a bit to do with my grandmother and my grandfather. My grandfather died when he was 13 so I never got to meet him, but that line was pretty special, on my grandfather's side. And I became a chef, using superfoods from Australia. I was a naughty, obnoxious little kid and that's where I learned it. My Aunty Jess was like, "You're giving your mum a heart attack every second moment," so she said, "Right, we'll take this boy out. He loves his food, we'll show him native foods, our culture." Berries, wild carrots, different grasses, you name it. Different flowers as well. I could walk around the backyard and see something and know whether or not you could eat it. I just loved it and it became an obsession. I thought, "Right, I need to become a chef." Are you constantly discovering new native foods when you're travelling? Do you ever reach a stage where you know it all? Yeah, there's no final bit, even when I feel like it's getting to that I'll get connected with Sean Sherman, he calls himself ‘Sioux Chef ’. Sean's doing a similar thing with the native foods of America. I've got to keep on travelling; I'm really interested in looking further afield. I know there's still so much to learn here, but I want to learn about the native foods in America as well. When you go to a new part of Australia, what's the process of learning about the native foods of that area? Just ask the elders. In some cases I'll find a person who's really embedded into it but I usually just ask elders. Have you ever eaten anything that's made you crook? Yeah, this one little berry. I thought it was


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one of these coastal berries that you can eat, I had it - it was no bigger than a ball bearing - and it was the best berry I've ever had, it just blew me away! I thought, "F*ck, I've got to go to hospital." I'm very scared about entering the fungus side of Australia, it's do-able but it needs a lot of research before you'd go there. Has a lot of this knowledge of traditional foods been lost? Or has it managed to get passed down through the generations? In cases, yeah, but there's certain plants where we just don't know the traditional name and we're just riding the Latin or European name of it. We just can't find out, we'll go and ask elders but it's just gone and we'll never know the traditional name. In another region there could be an elder that will know it. Take the Flax berry for example, in my region - Gumbaynggirr - and the Dainggatti, and also the Worimi mob, we all call it Dianella, but that's the Latin name, not the traditional name.

I can't trace my family. I can trace my Irish family all the way back to f*cking Cork, but everything else is just gone, I can't follow it any further. I'm not whingeing but, you know, that's real shit. Is there a Clayton Donovan signature dish? Oh f*ck yeah! I do it every Australia Day when I'm at a festival, my Coat of Arms - emu and kangaroo, all on one plate. Do you know why those animals are on the coat of arms? No, why? Because they don't take a backward step. I'll part smoke the kangaroo, I'll sear the emu with different wattles, secret sauces and gels, foams - all that swanky shit and place it on a plate at a festival in front of people and see if they're 48 The Beast | May 2018

going to walk out or not, just to test them. Because, from my side of the fence, it's a protein that significantly sustained a culture for tens of thousands of years. On their side of the fence, it's a f*cking emblem that doesn't take a backward step. I think my case wins! When I first moved to Sydney, my brother and I were broke and kangaroo was the cheapest meat you could get; it was the only animal protein we could afford when we first moved here... Well, you're smarter than most people. All the other shit's hard-hoofed and it kills the land, compared to a softer kangaroo. We should be farming more of them. Are their other Indigenous chefs doing good things in the same area? My main man Marky (Mark Olive) and young Zach Green; he's coming through too and he's bloody good. You've mentioned Mark Olive as being very influential on your career; how did you meet him and how has he inspired you? He's a family cousin. I was told I had a cousin in the same field who works in Sydney and in Melbourne - he's got his own restaurant - and I thought that was pretty cool. It's tough as shit doing what we're doing, being Indigenous, you know, but the winning factor is, how do you beat it? I was really inspired by Mark because he challenged it and I wanted to come and help him challenge the rest of it. But I'm a little more punk! There's been a lot of debate lately about changing the date of Australia Day; what's your position on that issue? Look, we were talking about it with a friend down here, my host, just recently. Now, my point is that there's only two days in Australia that you could have. One of those dates, it would be wrong to put another day on that date, and that's ANZAC Day. The other day is Eureka Stockade, the one we forget about. It's the day we walked together; we

walked away, we tried to walk away from the colony. To me, that's it, that's the day. There's also May 8, maaate! I thought that was pretty f*cking cool. But seriously, I think Eureka Stockade, that's the day where we should be paying more homage, because if it wasn't for my Irish family we'd have been pushed over a cliff. This is incredibly ignorant of me, especially since I've panned for gold at Ballarat, but what was the date of the Eureka Stockade? I don't actually know, but I think the original date of Australia Day was July 19 - John Howard or someone changed it around 25 years ago - but you'll have to research that, have a look. To the younger generation, it's embedded in their heads that January 26 has always been the date, but the date actually changed and a lot of people don't know that. So this idea that January 26 is sacred and can therefore never be changed is just nonsense? Who would listen to that little muppet?! Eureka Stockade's the day where we walk together. I asked my mate Doug what he thought, and he said that he didn't really want the date to change because it's the day where people ask him about his background and he really gets to talk about his Indigenous family history... I can't trace my family. I can trace my Irish family all the way back to f*cking Cork, but everything else is just gone, I can't follow it any further. I'm not whingeing but, you know, that's real shit. The Beast magazine is the local magazine for the Eastern Beaches of Sydney; I hear you're living nearby? Yeah, in Rose Bay. I've been there for about a month now. Do you get down to the beach often? Yeah, Bowl-A-Rama and all that shit. I've just got to get my surfboard back and I'll be hitting the beach all the time. And my skateboard as well.


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Where do you prefer to surf around here? I'll be hitting Bondi, and also Tama. I'll be doing trips back to Newcastle as well. Tama was firing yesterday morning... Yeah, we'll have to go surfing together. But I really love skating. You know there's a skate park at Maroubra as well? Yeah, it's mad hey. I love bowls mate, I love hurting myself ! Do you have any favourite spots around the Eastern Suburbs, any favourite restaurants or cafes? You can't beat Rocker, the one at North Bondi. Stuey Toon, my mate Stuey, the chef there, he rocks. And Three Blue Ducks; anything that the Three Blue Ducks put their name to, it rocks. Apart from that, my main man Robert from Bennelong. I find him one of the best chefs in Australia - in the world. Which Robert is that? Robert Cockerill, he lives locally, he's Peter Gilmore's chef. What pisses you off about the area, other than the traffic of course? No one says "G'day". No one really does in the whole of Sydney, and that shits me. It's changed a lot, even in the last five years... Yeah, I know. Can you tell us a bit about the Jaaning Tree? It's a wattle tree, Jaaning is the sap. It's the first bush lolly. We had one in the backyard and it was the place where I used to hide from mum and dad when I got in trouble, it was my naughty place. So when I got my restaurant, that's what I called it, my other naughty place. I'm not naughty all the time though! You do a lot of work with OzHarvest? As much as I can. On my days off I want to go and help Travis. All these gigs I get are great, but I want to help as many people as I can. Where we are today, for example, is one of the nicest spots in Tassie, so if I keep doing these 50 The Beast | May 2018

gigs - meeting all of the influential people that I get to meet - maybe I might be able to one day. What advice do you have for young Australians wanting to follow in your footsteps and become a professional chef? Have a f*cking crack! You can do anything. You know what my grandfather said to me before he died? "You taught yourself to walk, don't forget it," he said. "Other people just guided you." That's probably the best advice my grandfather gave me, other than teaching me how to grow vegetables, but I'm shit at growing shit. And where fresh eggs come from, stuff like that.

I enjoy f*cking shit up with movements and having a point. I've been restricted for a while because I've been locked in that f*cking chef world but there are a lot of things out there that need to be changed. How hard have you worked to get where you are today? Bloody hard. Look, I remember when I first opened my restaurant, I did 20-hour shifts for the first two months. I read an interview you did with SBS a while ago where you talk about not taking sick days, ever... Well, I was addicted to shit, man. I'm not going to take a sick day, I'd just pop a pill, or whatever I had to do, you know, that's real. You are the only one who's going to print this shit. Only this year I told the OzHarvest team that I was homeless as a kid. This year I thought, "Well, you know what, maybe I should just really tell people the truth, rather than talk shit." How do you find young kids today, in terms of their work ethic? The

kids are good, I think they've got it harder these days than we had it, in some ways. There's a lot of them - I call them '20 months interest free' - that expect to make a million dollars straight away, but a lot of them that I get to work with are genuinely great. It's really hard I think, they've got more pressures than I had as a kid. Who is the biggest legend you've ever worked with? Travis Harvey from OzHarvest. Is he sitting there with you now? Haha no, no man. This dude was Peter Kuruvita's prep chef - Peter from Flying Fish. Travis did the whole TV show. He could work anywhere in the world but he chooses not to, he chooses to work for OzHarvest. Who would be the biggest dickhead you've ever worked with? There's a f*cking heap of them bro, and they come in all different forms; different colours, creeds, male, female, there's a lot of them. And there's a lot of people out there that are riding on the cultural thing, we're laying the foundations and they're ripping them off. I'm getting closer to exposing all of them. I heard that you started a law degree after you finished the HSC? I was playing in a band - a punk band - up in Newcastle. Silverchair used to support us! We'd back up Fini Scad and Shihad, shit like that. We did that for a few months and got asked by Sony to do a demo - record five songs and send it back to them. And my two mates who I was playing in the band with got this beautiful keyboardist and they fought over her, that's when I went, "F*ck this, I'm selling my drumkit and I'm f*cking leaving." I got my scholarship in Newcastle, tried to move it to Lismore, then I had to take my second elective because music was full, so I had to take law. I studied law all the way through school, I wanted to be a world Indigenous lawyer to sustain and make sure that these lands and


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these stories were all significantly safe. That's what I wanted to get into, for everyone, not just our culture and the tribes, but also for the non-Indigenous as well, because they wouldn't understand, and understanding is the foundation of everything - education. Do you still have an interest in law now? I enjoy f*cking shit up with movements and having a point. I've been restricted for a while because I've been locked in that f*cking chef world but there are a lot of things out there that need to be changed. Australia needs a f*cking shake up, to wake up.

Back in the day, when your neighbour was struggling, you locked arms and you made sure both families got through it. That shit doesn't happen as much anymore. You're obviously interested in politics; what other issues are you passionate about? Mainly just finding ways to make people come together a lot better. Food's just one thing - food's reconciliation on a plate for me. I can put the emu and the kangaroo on the plate on Australia Day, give it to you, then you're going to ask me a question and we can go through that same conversation, and that conversation's going to lead you to your questions, and why's this shit happening? And then you'll have a better understanding of why I can't find my family on the other side. It's just about asking people questions. Yeah, they've got their own answers, but if they really deeply look back into it, we were all sent here. My Irish family was sent here, downtrodden. The whole of Australia forgets that there's a lot of us who were just f*cking convicts, they stole bread just to keep their family alive. It's pretty evil, hey, what's happening in Australia. 52 The Beast | May 2018

I'll go overseas and look back in on it like a fish bowl and think, "Everyone rants and raves about South Africa?!" Wake the f*ck up! Look what's happening here. The Muslim culture's not a bad culture, there's bad people everywhere. I've been to the Middle East, parts of it are awesome... They're lovely people, so sharing. The media restrict themselves to do what they have to do, report the agendas that the politicians are pushing, they're trying to be kosher with everything, you know. But really, at the end of the day, Australia was built by immigrants and downtrodden people. And we're together in this. The Snowy Mountains Hydro Scheme was built by Polish, Chinese and every downtrodden race, doing it for next to nothing, getting paid shit. The roads, the railways, everything; the whole infrastructure of Australia. That asset of being an Aussie is lost, we don't help each other any more. The continual erosion of equality of opportunity and the entrenchment of wealth is certainly concerning... Back in the day, when your neighbour was struggling, you locked arms and you made sure both families got through it. That shit doesn't happen as much anymore. I get to cook for all these big wigs, but I love to do this charity work part-time as well because I've got all this corporate stuff going on. I do a pop-up with Darren Middleton from Powderfinger, we call it Tuning Fork. Darren's on the same page, he wants change. Darren was going to be a chef and I was playing in a band, so it seems we swapped roles! Powderfinger became huge - I really don't know why he played in that f*cking band and didn't become a chef ! What was your band called? Black Apple. My bass player picked the name. He said, "It's got be an Indigenous food," so we named the band after an Indigenous fruit. Any chance of a reunion tour? I'm down here in Hobart at the

moment and I'm seeing my mate Dolphin, he was the guitarist. We both used to sing, all three of us actually. We'd all sing, scream, whatever. But yeah, we want to finish the album. I wrote a couple of songs and then sent them across to Dolphin here in Hobart, then he'll be working on it, he'll send something back across... it's a bit of a process, you know? When you don't live in the same area, that's how you have to build the songs. What big events have you got coming up? I'll be hosting a dinner at Taste of Kakadu in May, and crafting a unique grassroots menu especially for a sumptuous four-course dinner at the Croc (Mercure Kakadu Crocodile Hotel). I want to meet the community; white, black or brindle, it doesn't matter. I want to see and experience the region, I want to ask elders that food question, learn what's been passed down through our stories, knowledge and tradition, but mainly I just want to get up there and meet some good people. It's going to be f*cking fantastic. Have you spent much time in Kakadu? No man, I haven't, and I'm excited. I've always been told that Kakadu's the bomb. Every place I go to, I feel like I was supposed to go there. I was always meant to go to Kakadu, that's the way I look at it. Can you tell us about your tattoos? I've actually just started tattooing myself. A mate I live with in Rose Bay is a tattoo artist and he's been teaching me. All of my tatts are significant, they all mark a time in my life, different stages. If you get the opportunity to tattoo yourself, mate, it's mad! I don't think I'm just a chef, I'm more of an artist than a chef. In an ideal world, what does the future hold for Clayton Donovan? Everyone being happy and understanding each other's cultures, in harmony. Now sit down and f*cking eat!


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Not a bad backyard.

THE PEOPLE’S PARK Words Dr Marjorie O’Neill Picture Jack Chauvel Photography

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he People’s Park was reconstructed as a public park and opened in 1888 by Sir Henry Parkes as a place in which the people of Sydney could “take in the air” away from the Sydney town centre. 130 years later, Centennial Parklands is not only one of Australia's best known and loved parklands, but one of its most historic. With a new plan of management currently under consideration, we all have an opportunity to influence the current and future management and decisions that will be made about our park. The current draft plan identifies ten challenges that the trust will have to address for the future. While the conservation of the park is identified as the first challenge, and I totally agree with this, two of the identified challenges - that of securing funding and the financial sustainability of the park - have left me very concerned. The NSW State Government has continually reduced recurrent funding to Centennial Park, forcing the park to become

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self-funding. It is an outrage that a public park should have to resort to commercialisation in order to survive. It is an insult to all the citizens of Sydney and NSW, if not the whole of Australia, that a park of such national significance should be required to be increasingly self-funding. There would not be a family in the Eastern Suburbs, and few in the entire city of Sydney, who do not recall picnics or feeding the ducks at Centennial Park among the memories of their childhood. Riding a bike or just walking around the park remains a favoured inexpensive form of recreation and exercise. A visit to the park on any day of the week reveals it to be a favourite place of many thousands of new arrivals to this country. The park, of course, is so much more than just a great site for recreation and exercise. It is a truly amazing natural habitat with extensive native tree plantings some going back to the 1800s. It is also home to an extraordinary

number of historical monuments, statues and other constructions including the Federation Pavilion, the Centennial Park Weather Station, the Sir Henry Parkes Statue and many more. Most people visiting Centennial Park are happy to see some commercialisation and welcome the opportunity to buy a drink or an ice-cream, hire a bicycle, ride a horse, or even have a nice meal. It is important that public places provide the necessary amenities, but the driver for the provision of such services should be peoples’ needs, balanced with the long term sustainability of the resource. We have good reason to be alarmed at the provision of commercial services aimed primarily at financial independence, while community needs are only a secondary concern. Commercialisation of public land, which both reduces the extent of that resource and undermines its environmental sustainability, is a crime against current and future generations of Australians.


There has to be a better model for funding our great parks, other than depleting them through increased commercial activity. Governments at all levels could provide funding through the various taxes they levy. It’s old-fashioned, I know, but if we have enough money to pull down and rebuild stadiums that function perfectly well, maybe it’s time for the various levels of government to change their funding priorities. If the community supports retaining and preserving Centennial Park and wants to halt the spread of commercialisation, there are several other models to be considered. The great Central Park of New York City is mainly funded through the generosity of individuals, corporations, foundations and not-for-profits, who ask for nothing in return. Here in Australia, we have the example in Victoria where a Parks Charge is collected once every year on behalf of the Department of Environment, Land, Water and Planning. Funds raised go to Parks Victoria, Zoos Victoria, the Royal Botanic Gardens and the Shrine of Remembrance for the development, management and maintenance of metropolitan parks, gardens, trails, waterways and zoos. This charge has been included on the water, sewerage and drainage bills of residential and commercial properties since 1958. The preservation of our Centennial Park is of national importance. It has played a significant role throughout the history of this country. The Parklands were an important ceremonial site for many of the Sydney Aboriginal Nations. For those of us living in the East, it has also become our literal backyard as we have moved from houses with hills hoists to 40-square metre apartments. What commercialisation takes away, we may never get back again. Dr Marjorie O’Neill is a Waverley Councillor. The views expressed here are her own, although we generally agree with them.

HOW DO YOU THINK CENTENNIAL PARK SHOULD BE FUNDED? Words and Pictures Stiffy McPherson

Angus BONDI I certainly don’t think it should be overcommercialised. I believe our taxes should be going towards things like public parks that can be enjoyed by everyone, rather than privatising them for the commercial benefit of only a few. I’m happy to see my taxes go towards the maintenance of Centennial Park and similar amenities, rather than the money going towards upgrades to sports stadiums that very rarely get filled.

Haci ROSEBERY I think it should be about 80% publicly funded and 20% privately funded, or somewhere around those amounts, otherwise it’s all just going to go to shit; they will end up overcommercialising it and have to charge people just to go in there. My wife and I have got three little kids and we will be in there at least once or twice a month. Centennial Park is currently very well run and we absolutely love it.

Dave COOGEE You wouldn't want to overcommercialise Centennial Parklands, but I do think some of the spaces could be utilised a bit more for bigger community events. At the end of the day, it is still a public park and I wouldn’t like to see its funding cut. I don’t really have a strong opinion on the issue but I do think taxpayers are happy to pay for that sort of thing because it’s something that taxpayers actually use. May 2018 | The Beast 55


Trust your dear leaders.

NOTICE OF CESSATION OF PUBLIC TRANSPORT SERVICES TO THE EASTERN SUBURBS OF SYDNEY Satire Kieran Blake Picture Jane Flemming

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he New South Wales Government hereby serves notice of the commencement of daily mass participation exercise regimes in lieu of public transport services between the Eastern Suburbs and the Sydney CBD. You, the citizen, will participate with fervour and gratitude in invigorating and joyous daily marches along routes previously utilised by train and bus services. The wise actions of your benevolent leaders were taken in response to continued complacency among the populace, who enjoyed the world’s greatest public transportation infrastructure under the misguided belief that public transport is a taxpayer’s right, not a privilege. You, the citizen, will now walk or jog while chanting praise for the supreme and glorious state and federal leaders in gratitude for the creation of the Festival of Uplifting Loyalty (FoUL) and the broader infrastructure policy, Better Daily Motions. Official chants are available for

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study and memorisation on the FoUL App, which is currently uploading itself onto your phone. Opal cards will be connected to the app and will be used to collect daily loyalty donations from citizens and to measure each citizen’s requisite daily steps. All loyalty donations will be distributed to corporations, foreign resources companies and large media organisations, to ensure your great and glorious nation maintains its current trajectory. You will carry your Opal card on your person at all times and must produce your card when demanded by FoUL Inspectors. Wifi hotspots and USB ports will be installed along all former public transport routes to enable the government to maintain the enthusiasm and joy of the populace during their participation in the Festival of Uplifting Loyalty. As of 12.01am tomorrow morning, you will ‘tap on’ and ‘tap off ’ at existing bus and train stops, which will remain in place as a reminder of your years of complacency, and

of the wisdom and foresight of your magnificent leaders. Should you wake up to the #blessed symbol on your FoUL App, you will know that you have been chosen to complete your requisite daily steps, as well as the steps of your beloved premier, Glorious Gladys. If you fail to fulfil this enormous honour, you will instead be forced to wake up next to Barnaby Joyce. Daily loyalty donations from seniors will remain capped at $2.50, provided they complete a march from the Sydney CBD to either Lithgow, Newcastle or Bomaderry. Citizens are reminded to avoid any contact with subversive and treacherous elements who would seek to protest or question the actions of your enlightened leaders and protectors. This includes the production or viewing of programs such as Utopia and the writing, publication and consumption of churlish satire. Your loyalty and acquiescence are appreciated.


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May 2018 | The Beast 57


Well played.

THE UNRELIABLE GUIDE TO... DRUNKEN INTERNET SHOPPING Words Nat Shepherd Picture Dell Livery

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he Unreliable Guide has been getting drunk and going shopping. I don’t mean wandering round Westfield after a boozy lunch, but at home in front of the computer after a few beers. I’ve bought so much stuff lately that I know our postman by name (Hi David!). But I'm not alone in this. In Australia alone we spend about $2.34 billion each year on drunken online purchases. One in five of us freely admits to buying stuff online while pissed. Not surprisingly, many of these purchases were regretted with the hangover the next morning - Ebay is crammed with people trying to sell their rejected shopping experiments. And the number one thing we are buying? Before food, or even more booze, we are buying clothes. So, next time you are half cut and considering a bit of online retail therapy, first consider these tips from The Unreliable Guide...

if you have tried the exact same item on in a shop, you have to take care not to buy the wrong size. If you are buying something you’ve never seen, it’s a minefield. Will it fit? What colour is it really? The picture looks red, but that shirt is actually bright orange. These decisions require careful thought and a clear mind - not one full of Bacardi Breezers - so beware.

AVOID BUYING CLOTHES I’ve bought some great clothes online. Choice can be limited in Australia’s small market, so you have to be creative if you want something specific. But buying clothes from the net is a skill. Even

SHOP WITH A VIEW TO RETURNING EVERYTHING Some online stores are better than others about allowing you to return items. This is important to consider when shopping under the influence. When the thing you

58 The Beast | May 2018

REALLY AVOID BUYING SHOES Trust me on this one. Feet are funny; they have random lumps and bumps, widths and lengths vary, and different countries use totally different sizing systems. Unless you are getting another pair of something that you already have, be super careful with buying shoes online, whether you’re drunk or sober. Shoes really are a trybefore-you-buy item, so unless the store has a really generous return policy, don’t buy shoes.

thought would be perfect arrives two sizes too small and three shades too yellow, you will want to send it back. Make a note of these kindly stores and restrict yourself to them. BEWARE OVERSEAS EBAY I love Ebay; it’s a worldwide garage sale and the perfect site for drunken browsing. Where else can you find a carving of a cat riding a Vespa? Or a Hawaiian shirt for your dog? I've found some great items on Italian and UK Ebay, but with all these overseas sites the postage can be a killer. Five dollars for the item and fifty for the delivery. Check the small print too; do they send by air or by sea? By sea is cheaper but it can take up to three months, and you definitely won’t be returning anything. Finally, The Unreliable Guide suggests that if your drunken shopping is becoming a problem, you should unplug the computer and hide the credit card before you pour your first drink. Plus, remember to support your local shops as much as you can, otherwise you'll be wearing your tight orange shoes all the way to the post office.


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CHALLENGED BY OUR ‘TWO SELVES’ Words and Picture Dan Trotter

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his past month I’ve been challenged by my own thoughts. I guess we all are from time to time. I used to feel like there were two personalities in my head, and now I know there are. “Crazy?” I hear you ask. Nope, just honest with myself, and unashamedly honest with all of you. Recently I’ve been reading a lot about our ‘two selves’; the ‘experiencing’ self, and the ‘narrating’ self. Two personalities, if you like, existing within every one of us. So which voice do you listen to? On the one hand there’s the rational, forward thinking self, and on the other there’s the live in the now, do it if you want to or because it feels good self. This can be applied to any and all parts of our lives. Eat this, don’t eat that; sleep in, get up; exercise, meditate; get in to work early or stay back late; go home or have one more beer... and on the conversation goes. One of the conversations that’s been really exercising my mind of late is one around consuming seafood, farmed animals or going vegan. It’s a popular topic in our

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Eastern Suburbs and one that can’t go unnoticed. Here’s my challenge: I’ve always been a staunch animal eater, so it’s a new concept for me to question this, especially since I’ve always been a fanatical fisherman, at least for as long as I remember. The other side of my personality cares deeply about the environment, the oceans, and even the individual fish I catch, kill and consume. Some people will think this makes me a hypocrite, others will just think it makes me human. So the paradox is obvious, and it is the case for every one of us only the topic changes. Truth be told, one of the conversations we have with ourselves always wins over, which is why there are vegans, gun-lovers, capitalists, conservationists, philanderers, liberals and whatever you call everyone else. One thing is constant and that’s the internal conflict. Ethical decisions have become a preoccupation of our society, and I have to admit that they’re weighing on my mind too. To eat fish, or to make the decision not to eat fish? The answer used to be so simple

for me, but it’s one that’s becoming harder to stand by as the plight of our oceans grows. So in this month of May’s Fish ‘n’ Tips article I want to draw your attention to the most sustainable fisheries that we have right here in our own backyard. Closest to the shore and accessible to all fisho’s are luderick, southern calamari squid, whiting (if you can catch them) and Australian salmon - all species that are considered to have sustainable local population levels, fast growth rates and high fecundity, which refers to an animal’s ability to produce an abundance of offspring or new growth. Add to this the recently recovered population of yellowtail kingfish and there really are quite a few options available when it comes to putting a feed on your plate, as long as you’re conscious of what you catch and kill and what you eat. It’s time we all carefully considered what ends up on our dinner plate, where it came from and how it got there. We all need to commit to doing our best to reduce what we take from the world around us.


Room with a view.

MAY 2018 TIDE CHART Numbers Bureau of Meteorology Tidal Centre Picture Jaime Vives Instagram @jaime.vives MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

2 0351 0950 1532 2159

0.45 1.45 0.57 1.77

3 0432 1031 1606 2235

0.49 1.38 0.63 1.73

4 0515 1113 1642 2313

0.53 1.33 0.69 1.67

9 0248 0941 1557 2135

1.48 0.62 1.32 0.82

10 0352 1030 1648 2238

1.49 0.58 1.40 0.76

11 0446 1114 1732 2331

1.53 0.53 1.50 0.67

16 0242 0844 1436 2101

0.32 1.60 0.41 1.99

17 0333 0936 1522 2149

0.29 1.55 0.45 2.00

18 0427 1031 1613 2240

0.29 1.50 0.51 1.98

24 0352 1024 1646 2248

1.62 0.47 1.54 0.65

25 0452 1113 1737 2349

1.59 0.47 1.63 0.59

31 0330 0925 1458 2130

0.47 1.38 0.61 1.80

1 0309 0909 1459 2124

0.42 1.52 0.51 1.80

7 0044 0745 1349 1914

1.55 0.65 1.24 0.85

8 0143 0845 1455 2025

1.50 0.65 1.26 0.85

14 0106 0706 1311 1933

0.47 1.62 0.40 1.84

15 0153 0754 1352 2016

0.38 1.62 0.39 1.93

21 0033 0729 1338 1914

1.83 0.41 1.39 0.70

22 0138 0832 1446 2027

1.74 0.44 1.41 0.71

23 0246 0930 1550 2140

1.67 0.46 1.46 0.70

28 0129 0720 1313 1943

0.49 1.49 0.51 1.80

29 0211 0803 1348 2019

0.47 1.45 0.54 1.82

30 0251 0845 1423 2055

0.46 1.42 0.58 1.82

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

5 0600 1158 1723 2355

0.58 1.28 0.75 1.61

SUNDAY

6 0650 0.62 1249 1.25 1813 0.81

12 0535 1.56 1153 0.47 1813 1.62

13 0019 0621 1232 1853

19 0524 1130 1706 2334

20 0625 0.37 1231 1.40 1806 0.65

0.32 1.44 0.58 1.91

26 0545 1.55 1156 0.48 1822 1.70

27 0042 0635 1236 1904

• New Moon • First Quarter • Full Moon • Last Quarter

0.57 1.60 0.43 1.73

0.54 1.52 0.49 1.76


Love is only a feeling.

WHAT IS LOVE? Words Jeremy Ireland, Psychotherapist Picture Justin Hawkins

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friend of mine introduced me to his new girlfriend at a recent social engagement. He was nervous and, due to the short period of time this new relationship had been deemed a romantic one, I suspect he felt a little uncomfortable in actually referring to her as his ‘girlfriend’. In an effort to ease the tension somewhat, he attempted to make the introduction comical: “Hey Jeremy, this is my girlfriend and future ex-wife, Sophia.” Sophia and I shook hands, grappling the awkwardness of the moment. I decided to let the attempted humour go through to the keeper, but the “future ex-wife” comment got me thinking. It turns out that half of all marriages in Australia end in divorce. That’s right, one in two, or 50 per cent! No matter which way you look at the numbers, they’re high. But not as high as some others, with Belgium topping the list at a whopping 70 per cent failure rate! So what is it that makes couples who were once loved up decide to pull the plug? It would be fair to say that no one deliberately sets out to fall in love. It is an involuntary state that is hard to control and, although it’s not technically an emotion, love has the ability to effect other emotions in both good and bad ways. New love is

62 The Beast | May 2018

fuelled by all sorts of good things, especially the familiar hormones of oestrogen and testosterone, as well as neurochemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin. Love gives you a natural high that leaves you wanting more; it completely hooks you. From an evolutionary standpoint, being in love makes sense and can be a powerful motivator. After all, the need to replicate and keep our species going is hardwired into the brain. When couples are fully loved up and in this heightened condition, it is known as ‘limerence’ and lasts anywhere from six months to two years (you can also read Matty Silver’s article on page 66 for more information on this topic). Sadly, this limerence wanes and couples find themselves moving out of this passionate love phase into what is known as ‘companionate’ love, like the love we see in our grandparents. This develops slowly as two lives mesh with a mutual responsiveness to needs and an attachment that builds over time. Unfortunately, the stability and happiness that people crave for in a relationship can often land wide of the mark. A study published by the American Psychological Association back in 1999 looked at marital satisfaction over a ten-year period. Although all marriages are differ-

ent and can’t be easily categorised, a certain pattern did emerge. Both partners reported a steady decline in marital quality, with the steepest fall happening just after one year when the ‘honeymoon’ period has ended. The second big fall occurs at the seven-year mark, commonly known as the ‘seven-year itch’. This pattern of decline is still very relevant today. There are various reasons why this happens, but one particular theory posed over 200 years ago by the English philosopher Schopenhauerian suggests that the partner we see as highly suitable to have a child with is almost never really very suitable for us - the blindfold of love keeping the planet populated. Speaking of children, the steep decline on the marriage quality study at the one-year mark correlates spectacularly with having them! Raising kids, although rewarding, can be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do and can test even the most loved up couples. But kids aside, the big one is communication and conflict. Disagreement can lead to friction and, if it’s not addressed, can slowly erode a relationship beyond repair. This pattern is known as ‘negative affect reciprocity’, or a tit-for-tat exchange of negative emotions and feelings. This kind of negative affect tends to snowball for couples who are not happy, leaving them in a constant state of duelling and an inability to break the vicious cycle. So, what is love? Yes, it’s a great song title, but in reality it requires hard work, compromise, a willingness to forgive, and the ability to manage distress, to name just a few. If in doubt, here are some tips. First, for the man: take the garbage out, put the toilet seat down, drink less and massage her feet. For the lady: don’t ask him to take the garbage out, don’t flip out if the toilet seat is up, have a glass of wine and let him massage your feet. Above all, communicate with each other and never assume your partner knows how you feel. Oh, and don’t forget to use the ‘L’ word occasionally!


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May 2018 | The Beast 63


“ You really think this is a good idea, David?”

BALLS AND ALL Words Alasdair McClintock Picture Sandy Paper

B

y the time you read this, the dust will have hopefully settled. Appeals may or may not have happened. The Cape Town Three will be getting on with their lives, doing whatever the hell it is that cricketers do when they can’t play cricket - practise playing cricket, I assume. The scandal was an interesting insight into our society. Such outrage over a relatively minor, albeit incredibly stupid, incident left me flabbergasted. “How dare they?” we yelled. “They represent us! They’ve embarrassed us on a global scale!” Well, our politicians do that almost daily, yet that barely raises a flutter. And they are elected officials, so they really do represent us. We called for heads! Careers to be ended! Lives to be ruined! All because our English mates had some new material with which to make fun of us. Because, when you really think about it, that is the only way our lives will truly be affected. And we got it. Heads rolled. Insanity prevailed. 64 The Beast | May 2018

Defenders of the ban will say, “Think of the damage to the brand, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.” Well, I agree, to a point, but the brand was already pretty shoddy to begin with. By overreacting and caving to public hysteria, Sutherland and co succeeded only in weakening it more. Sending the Betoota Advocate a ‘Cease and Desist’ letter, threatening to revoke their pool privileges from Gabba games after they cracked jokes about the team, just showed how ridiculous and petty the organisation truly is. The hysteria ran wild and unchecked for days, and for some inexplicable reason Karl Stefanovic was a driving voice behind it. You would think, given his own recent escapades, that he might have taken a step back from criticising anyone. But no, he shoved himself out there like a gleeful goblin, clicking his heels with joy because the focus had been shifted from himself. My takeaway from everything he said and I truly hope most of Australia

agrees - was, what a vile hypocrite, and what a perfect representative of the Australian media. It’s a two-way mirror, they claim, but it’s not. Most of us must behave responsibly in our jobs, but these idiots rile up hysteria to the point of slobbering madness. All for ratings and clicks, so they can sell advertising to pay for, I assume, fancy cars and cocaine. They paint Warner as a villain, as easily as they painted him a hero when it suited them. They don’t give a hoot about the impact on his family, a family that had already been put through hell due to the abhorrent behaviour of the South Africans, whose captain was also found guilty of ball tampering not long ago but didn’t even get banned. The entire Australian cricket system has been an embarrassment long before Smith, Warner and Bancroft’s stupid indiscretion. For years, many have wished they would all just pull their heads in. Well, after all that carry on, I think it’s about the time the whole bloody country did.


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WHEN SEXUAL DESIRE FADES AWAY Words Matty Silver, Sex Therapist Picture Ashley Madison

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ome months ago I saw a client who was quite distressed. He was 35 years old and in a relationship with his current girlfriend of around two years. Most of his previous relationships had only lasted between a few months and a year. His initial sexual attraction towards his girlfriends was usually very strong but after a while just disappeared. This time he was convinced he’d found the ‘right’ one. He was very happy because he felt it was time to settle down and he was looking forward to starting a family. However, even though he adores his partner, he has again started to lose his sexual feelings for her. They hardly have sex anymore and he wonders why he has this pattern of losing sexual interest. My client is not alone. Many men and women experience feelings like this, which can be extremely confusing. The problem is, they are under the impression that love and lust are the same thing. In 1979, American psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term ‘limerence’, which is defined as

66 The Beast | May 2018

a period in a relationship known as the falling in love and lust stage. It’s driven by so-called ‘love chemicals’, which create pleasingly positive feelings and are responsible for intense passion and the rose-coloured glasses we tend to see our partners through. Limerence feels good but unfortunately it has a shelf life lasting from about six months to two or three years - it’s decline is gradual. When I explained limerence to my client, he agreed this is exactly how he has felt over the years. But this time he doesn't want to break up; he loves and is committed to his partner and wonders what he could do to help the situation. Most people believe the excitement of those early months and years will last forever, but unfortunately this doesn't happen that often. When the limerence stage fades away, a deeper commitment an emotional intimacy - is needed. While the emotion of falling in love is intense, the emotions of falling out of love can be as intense, but the signs may not be that clear.

When love or lust disappears, people usually start spending less time together. They start having fights, arguments or stop talking altogther; they may feel unappreciated, resentment can build up and they drift apart. It's easy to understand how people become disappointed and frustrated with each other, and eventually they will stop having romantic feelings and having sex. One reason this happens is a lack of emotional intimacy - it's very important for couples to make a habit of spending time together and connecting again. There is no easy fix, but when you start noticing the passion disappearing in your relationship it may give you an opportunity to discuss what you are experiencing with your partner and find ways to turn things around. If you know the signs, you can use them to rework your relationship. In the worst case scenario, you'll know why you need to walk away from a relationship that may not go the distance.


“You can save money, and you save the planet at the same time,” he said. Instead of a car, Rory chooses two wheels to get around the neighbourhood. Aside from the perks of lower running costs and less pollution, he rides because “it’s a hell of a lot more fun than driving a car”. Well, you can’t argue with that, unless of course you have a Tesla in the driveway!

Ditching plastic straws - nice work, Abigail!

YOU DON’T NEED A CAPE TO BE A HERO Interview Nicola Saltman, Waverley Council’s Sustainable Communities

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eroes don’t always wear capes. They’re usually among us, doing their bit to make this world a better place - you’re probably one of them! This month we celebrate the unsung heroes in our local area who are making positive changes to help look after this awesome place we get to call home (or our workplace). Every action counts, no matter how small. Meet some folks in our community making sustainability second nature in their daily lives, all for the good of our ‘hood... THE JONES FAMILY North Bondi residents Regular beachgoers Amelia and her primary school kids, Sam and Abigail, have been on a mission to go plastic-free. “We are down at the ocean everyday,” Amelia said. 68 The Beast | May 2018

“If we don’t do something soon, we will be swimming in plastic it’s all about changing habits.” Aside from using reusable bottles and recycling soft plastics at home, they have been advocating for plastic-free efforts in schools, petitioning the State Government for a plastic ban, and rallying support from local cafés around encouraging reusable cups. On giving up plastic bags, Amelia said, “It took about two weeks, and it really now has become second nature.” RORY Local business owner and Bronte resident He’s just installed solar panels on his roof to power his property with cheaper clean green energy, joining the growing number of people going solar. When asked why, Rory says it was a no-brainer.

ABIGAIL Local high school student Abigail has made ditching plastic straws second nature, ever since being shocked into action by a video of a turtle that had been fatally harmed by discarded straws caught in its nose. She also makes an effort to pick up litter and put rubbish in the bin, encouraging fellow students to do the same. “I know when I pick up rubbish I always think that maybe this is stopping an animal from dying,” she explained. “It’s just so easy to do.” MATT Local builder and Bondi resident Matt and his team are working towards making responsible construction second nature. “We didn’t want to just be everyday carpenters,” Matt explained. He’s also encouraging action among his staff by providing them with useful tools, such as reusable coffee cups for daily caffeine fixes. Matt is often inspired when seeing others take similar steps. “As soon as you make that little change, it makes everyone’s life that little bit better.” Why not join our community at www.secondnature.org.au doing good for our ‘hood by making sustainability second nature? We’ll give you free resources, tools and tips to help you along the way! Share your own second nature story with us at secondnature@ waverley.nsw.gov.au.


THE HILLY STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO Words and Pictures The Bondi Travel Bug

I left my heart in San Francisco...” I always wondered what these profound words from crooner Tony Bennett meant when he sung the famous song of the same name. I imagined it was a heartwrenching, romantic song of love found and lost in this famous city. But now that I’ve been there for the first time, my take on the song is more about someone who’ d had to walk around the undulating city in the days before the trams arrived, and his poor overworked heart suffered immeasurably. Now don't get the wrong impression, San Francisco is a stunning city, but to call it ‘hilly’ is an immense understatement - it’s mountain goat territory! It’s the ‘hilliest’ city in the USA and the second most hilly city in the world. While we were there we got to stay in one of the best hotels in San Francisco, the Fairmont. Perched proudly on top of Nob Hill, it’s one of the oldest and most historic hotels in California. In fact it was here in 1945 that the United Nations Charter, as we know it today, was drafted. On our first morning we strolled downhill to where the city’s famous cable cars begin their perilous journey. We were eager to experience the entire trip as the trams rattle up to the summit and back down again. Watching the grip operators applying the massive handbrakes on the steep downward descent showed just how skilful these guys were at slowing down, and eventually halting, these mechanical beasts. Our first cable car ride took us all the way to Pier 39 at Fisherman’s Wharf, which hundreds of lazy, noisy sea lions like to call home. After gawking at these cute, mischievous and well-fed locals, we soon had our faces buried in a famous Fisherman’s Wharf clam chowder, served in a fresh sourdough bowl.

70 The Beast | May 2018

From Pier 39 we attempted to walk off our seafood extravaganza by making our way up to one of the strangest, steepest and most crooked streets in the city, the legendary zig-zagging Lombard Street. The area around Lombard Street is quite exclusive, filled with grandiose mansions and ultraexpensive real estate. We happened to be there in late November when Lombard Street is alive with the vibrant colours of blooming flowers in their prime season. From Lombard Street we navigated our way to what is now my favourite district in San Francisco, Haight-Ashbury, where the hippy movement began back in the ‘60s. Even today the area still maintains the same vibe as you wander its colourful streets. I witnessed pot being sold openly on the street as the sweet smell of weed wafted all around us. Many hippies are still living the same lifestyle in HaightAshbury, as though time has stood still. The area’s impressive array of retro and second-hand clothing stores, as well as some of the coolest cafes we had ever come across, made it difficult to leave. Tight on time as always, we hurried to our next iconic San Francisco adventure, a drive over the Golden Gate Bridge to take in the views over the Bay area and beyond. One very notable feature of San Francisco’s coastal climate is the way the temperature can quickly drop from warm and comfortable to freezing and foggy - within a matter of minutes in fact - and the Golden Gate Bridge can literally disappear from view without warning. From the Golden Gate Bridge we continued on to the gorgeous little town of Sausalito, just over ten minutes drive away, for some retail therapy and a delicious Californian seafood lunch. The following day we left the city for a cruise up to one of the

best wine districts in the world, the Napa Valley. We were there only weeks after devastating bushfires had wreaked havoc on many of the world-renowned wineries. In just a short time, many of the Napa Valley and Sonoma vineyards were completely wiped out. Fortunately for us though, not all of the area was affected by the wildfires and we managed to visit one of the region’s best, the Robert Mondavi Winery. Our first impressions of Mondavi were pretty spectacular. We began at the cellar door tasting room where we discovered their world-class Pinos and Sauv Blancs that are so highly acclaimed. We also got to join a tour of the barrel rooms, affording us a rare insight into their wonderful world of winemaking. Wine tasting is hard work for weary travellers, so we wrapped up another awesome day in a well known Napa restaurant called the Rutherford Grill. We devoured a tonne of corn bread, along with a succulent rack of their premium pork ribs dripping with Texas Hill Country BBQ Sauce. Only the finest red wines from the region were served with our feast, along with a decadent selection of desserts fit for two gluttonous Aussie sugar addicts. This Napa Valley feast left an indelible memory on our taste buds, as well as my ever-expanding waistline. Tony Bennett may have left his heart in San Francisco, but I left my six-pack there, and will undoubtedly be back one day to find it. Where to stay Fairmont Hotel San Francisco www.fairmontsanfrancisco.com How to get there Vicky Gilden at Rose Bay Travel (02) 9371 8166


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Awesome sharing plates, good drinks, good music and good times.

UPPER EAST SIDE... START SPREADING THE NEWS Words Dining Dave Insta @diningdave Picture Ussi Moniz Da Silva

B

ondi’s restaurant scene continues to reach new heights as numerous acclaimed chefs set up shop and jostle for patronage in this highly competitive market. And it seems another top venue has joined the contenders, with the recent opening of Upper East Side on O’Brien Street. Wandering past the modern exterior over the past few months, a couple of thoughts have crossed my mind; it’s great to see a fresh and original venue take over from the old favourite, Café Bondi, and what does the name ‘Upper East Side’ actually refer to? As a New Yorker, it didn’t appear to reflect a ritzy neighborhood in Manhattan - far from it, in fact. The look is more Pacific island chic, complete with decorative palm trees, bamboo furniture and a cool indoor night-sky ceiling consisting of about 50,000 tiny brights lights. 76 The Beast | May 2018

The menu has been crafted by star chef Jason Dean, emphasising fresh, high quality ingredients with a modern twist on comfort food and a Polynesian vibe, of course. The affable manager explained that ‘Upper East Side’ refers to Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs and is all about “awesome sharing plates, good drinks, good music and good times”. My companion and I began proceedings with a frosty Seabass Lager - brewed in Surry Hills, apparently - and a Voodoo Punch cocktail served in a classic tiki cup with a delicious mix of Bacardi Carta Blanca Rum, Bacardi Oro Rum, Gosling’s 151 Rum (that’s a lot of rum), apricot brandy, cherry liqueur, grapefruit, lime, and Falernum - you won’t need too many of these to blow over the limit, I can assure you. Keen to sample a bit of everything, we dived head first into the

four-course sharing menu. The dishes were bursting with flavour and the presentation was spot on. We sampled the grilled large tiger prawns with spiced caper and parsley butter; Wagyu beef skewers with fennel and black pepper; chicken liver parfait with burnt fig, freeze-dried raspberry and soldiers; and salt and pepper cauliflower with white soy and tamarind. The cauliflower was the standout with its dusty flavour and moist texture. Our mains included grilled cuttlefish with crispy potato, pomegranate, fennel and black olive; and a mouth-watering lamb rump with soy braised mushrooms, cauliflower and tarragon - an impressive pairing, with squid ink lifting the cuttlefish, and a heavenly cauliflower puree elevating the tender, juicy slices of lamb. A side of light cos salad with cucumber, radish, mint, pecorino and pine nuts balanced the dishes. After a moment to enjoy the music and the refreshing light onshore breeze, we opted for a strawberry sorbet with toffee apple and roasted white choc meringue, and a coconut and raspberry parfait with lemon curd and chocolate crumble. The parfait, with its attractive red, yellow and white colour scheme and intricate meshing of cold parfait and creamy curd, topped off with that crunchy chocolate crumble, really made our mouths dance. Upper East Side is a very worthy addition to Bondi’s burgeoning food scene. With the friendly local vibe and reasonable price point, it may just outlast them all. Upper East Side Bondi www.uppereastsidebondi.com Address 14-16 O'Brien Street, Bondi Phone 0411 591 234 Instagram @uppereastsidebondi Open Mon: closed (at this stage); Tue-Sun: 8.00am-10.30pm Prices Starters: $14-18; Mains: $24-36; Four-course menu: $70pp Cards Accepted Yes Licensed Yes


Berry, berry good for you.

HEALTHY BLUEBERRY MUFFINS Recipe Catherine Noonan Picture Kaitlyn Chow

T

his recipe uses the most amazing gluten free paleo flour that I have ever come across. It is the Australian made Paleo Flour Blend by Monica’s Mixes, available in health food stores throughout the Eastern Beaches. Monica’s blend contains organic and natural ingredients like nutritious flax and sesame meal, green banana flour from North Queensland (high in resistant starch), coconut flour, psyllium husk and tapioca flour. Baking with this flour results in a fluffy texture that does not crumble, thanks to the binding power of the flax and psyllium husks. If you can’t find this product, a gluten free flour will suffice. As for the rest of the ingredients, I have used delicious whole food ingredients including organic eggs, shredded coconut, blueberries, coconut sugar, freshly squeezed orange juice and coconut oil. There is no dairy, nuts or gluten, so this recipe is perfect for little people with school lunches in mind. This recipe makes 12 mini muffins and only takes 20 minutes to prepare and 20 minutes to cook.

TOOLS Mixing bowl Electric mixer Wooden spoon Measuring cup 12-hole muffin tray, lined with 12 muffin papers INGREDIENTS ¼ cup softened coconut oil ½ cup coconut sugar 2 eggs ½ cup freshly squeezed orange juice 1 cup Paleo Flour Blend or gluten free flour, sifted 1 teaspoon aluminium-free baking powder 1 cup shredded coconut ½ cup frozen blueberries METHOD 1. Preheat a fan-forced oven to 190°C; 2. Using an electric mixer, beat the coconut oil and coconut sugar until creamy and well combined; 3. While the motor is running, add the eggs one at a time and continue mixing until combined; 4. Slowly pour in the orange juice and keep mixing until combined;

5. In a separate bowl, combine the baking powder with the flour (you can now hang up the electric mixer as it’s time for a wooden spoon); 6. Add the sifted paleo or gluten free flour, shredded coconut and frozen blueberries to the mixture and gently mix with the wooden spoon until just combined; 7. Divide the mixture among the 12 muffin holes; 8. Transfer to the oven and cook at 190°C for 20 minutes, or until lightly golden; 9. Serve your blueberry muffins warm or at room temperature. STORAGE Store your healthy blueberry muffins in an airtight container in the refrigerator for up to one week. Cath Noonan is a self-confessed health-foodie, recipe creator, and nutrition student, as well as the founder of healthy food blog, I Heart Scratch. Check out the delicious food pics on her Instagram account, @i_heart_scratch, and find more recipes by visiting www.iheartscratch.com.au. May 2018 | The Beast 77


Alex has come a long way since the Workies and Mooseheads days.

THE URBAN WINERY MOVES TO THE ENTERTAINMENT QUARTER AT MOORE PARK Words and Picture Alex Russell Twitter @ozwineguy

A

little while ago I wrote about Alex Retief ’s Urban Winery, which is a cellar door (and working winery) in St Peters. That’s right, you can actually go to a cellar door without having to drive to the Hunter Valley or to the Southern Highlands. But St Peters can be a bit of a trek for Easties. Fortunately, as of mid-April, the Urban Winery has moved to the Entertainment Quarter at Moore Park. So next time you head to the SCG or the SFS, stop in for a drink. You’ll find the new Urban Winery digs near Brent Street Dance Studios, or just a little further around from Hoyts Cinema (building 121). You can also buy gift vouchers for friends to spend over the bar. Alex makes some pretty sensational stuff. You’ll find a Tumbarumba Chardonnay, which is an absolute belter. It’s aged in older oak, so you get some complexity in the wine without feeling like you’re licking a tree.

78 The Beast | May 2018

You’ll also find a serious, definitely-not-NZ Sauvignon Blanc (also from Tumbarumba). It spends time on lees in barrel for a year, so this is a very different style of Sauvignon Blanc. Challenge your preconceptions by giving this one a go. There’s a cracking dry rosé. Sure, summer is coming to an end, but hey, with climate change I’m sure there’ll be a stinker of a day when this will go well. It’s not particularly light anyway, so maybe you can get away with this on a cooler day when you just feel like a rosé. For those who enjoy their reds, there are some really interesting, different wines available. As always, I love to direct you guys and gals to different and interesting wines, and you’ll find that here. There’s a very approachable Tempranillo from Gundagai. In recent articles, I’ve been suggesting you get into Tempranillo a bit. Some can be a bit tannic and require food to go with them, but

this one is approachable on its own. But have some food with it anyway and it’ll really hit its stride. Have you ever tried a Petit Verdot? You may have, but it generally appears as a small component of Cabernet blends – sometimes there is so little of it in the wine that it doesn’t even make it on the label. It can be difficult to grow, but the conditions in 2015 were perfect so Alex has bottled a Petit Verdot all by itself. It’s from the Hilltops region (another awesome region). You’re looking for floral elements with red fruits and even a little bit of chocolate. There are other great wines here too, but I’m running out of room. Go in and try them. And if, like me, you enjoy your martinis with a decent vermouth, Alex now has a Dry Vermouth with 19 botanicals, made from Tumbarumba Chardonnay (a top region for Aussie Chardy). Stop in for a chat and the crew there will talk you through the wines.


The ultimate treat.

PEANUT BUTTER POPCORN BARS Recipe and Picture Jacqueline Alwill

R

ecipes that come about when you’re trying to be resourceful with ingredients on hand are just the best! Nothing too planned, just a bit of this, a touch of that, and then, “Hey, they’re peanut butter popcorn bars!” What I love about these is their simplicity. Anyone can access the ingredients at their local grocer, so there’s no need to buy the packet bars from the supermarket if you have some of these little beauties in your fridge or freezer. They’re the ultimate treat for big and little people alike, and with a good quality peanut butter you obtain a delicious hit of plant-based proteins and satiating fats. They’re gluten and dairy free and, should you choose to, you can make them 100% plant-based too. Time to pop into the kitchen - excuse the pun - and whip up a fresh batch!

INGREDIENTS 4 cups cooked popcorn (approx 2 tablespoons of kernels) ¾ cup smooth peanut butter ¼ cup honey or ⅓ cup rice malt syrup METHOD 1. Place peanut butter and honey or rice malt in a small saucepan on low heat and whisk together with a fork or whisk until it is slightly runny (be careful not to leave it on the heat too long or it will become a crumby consistency); 2. When ready, place popcorn in a large bowl, pour over peanut butter and honey or rice malt mix, then mix together using clean hands; 3. Line a loaf tin with greaseproof paper and press bars into the tin; 4. Cover and place in the freezer to set for 2-3 hours; 5. Once set, slice and serve.

STORAGE These peanut butter popcorn bars keep well out of the fridge or freezer and hold together for about 3 hours. This wholesome recipe was kindly provided by local nutritionist and author Jacqueline Alwill, @brownpapernutrition. To order the newly launched Brown Paper Eats vegetarian, ready-made, home-delivered meals, please visit www.brownpapereats.com.

May 2018 | The Beast 79


BEN HARPER & C. MUSSELWHITE No Mercy in This Land Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  I wasn’t aware that I needed another Ben Harper album until now. This, of course, isn’t merely a Ben Harper album, but let’s be honest, it’s his name that will coax over 90% of us into giving it a listen. It is an album dripping with blues sensibilities. You will be inspired to drink your bourbon neat and take a knife to your amplifier afterwards. If you can’t afford a new pair of shoes, all the better; your experience will be even more authentic. Just close your eyes and ride the boxcars in your mind towards sweet harmonicasodden serenity.

YOUNG FATHERS Cocoa Sugar Label Ninja Tune Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating 

FILM REVIEW TITLE The Party GENRE Comedy Drama REVIEWER Linda Heller-Salvador Award winning writer-director Sally Potter’s (Orlando, Ginger & Rosa) latest offering, The Party, is a bitingly funny yet disastrous dinner party scenario that starts out as a small, intimate and civilised gathering of friends to celebrate Janet’s (Kristin Scott Thomas) new high profile appointment, but quickly disintegrates into a farcical comedy of errors. While Janet is in the kitchen cooking and receiving text messages from a secret admirer, her academic husband, Bill (Timothy Spall), is in the living room quietly drinking himself into a glazed stupor while enmeshed in his own abstruse thoughts. As guests arrive and the night progresses, secrets and insecurities are revealed with absurdly amusing results. Short, sharp and snappy, this modern social satire, which is set in an upmarket London townhouse, has the fly on the wall feel of a classic stage play, drawing the viewer in with its minimal cast, intriguing character plots and complex relationships. With a seriously cool soundtrack, and beautifully shot in gorgeous black and white by cinematographer Aleksei Rodionov, this film should appeal to everyone. 80 The Beast | May 2018

There is something oddly unsettling about Young Fathers' latest album. They claim that, “Feeling, not riffs or grooves, is their North Star,” and while that admittedly sounds like something a publicist masturbated with great joy out of their mouth, I do tend to agree with it. A few of the songs get into your very core and caress your soul like an old lady full of gin and sinful nostalgia at your local bar. I feel almost violated, but eerily at peace with the fact. But please don’t ask me what genre this is, because I don’t know. I do know I like it though.

THE VACCINES Combat Sports Label Columbia Records Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  The Vaccines have always felt like a band I could like, but don’t really. Their fun brand of garage rock is something I usually take easily to. Think early Kooks, Strokes, etc. None of it is all that groundbreaking, of course, but there is comfort in what you know, especially when it comes to pop music. And this is pop music, make no mistake. The dishevelled clothes and dodgy haircuts don’t fool me, they’re all boy bands at the end of the day. I would sooner listen to this than the Jonas Brothers at least. It’s easy listening for disgruntled alcoholics.


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ACROSS 1. Endangered horned species subject to local filmmaker Mark Halliday’s documentary Vestige (10) 6. Car by Chevrolet; antelope (6) 7. Dromedary (5) 9. Purposeful task (4) 10. Comparing apples and ... (7) 11. Background actors (6) 12. Lacking something (6) 13. Common result of burning material (3) 17. Indian curry puff (6) 19. Common food allergen (3) 21. Ferret; deceitful person (6) 22. The Coasters song, Yakety ... (3)

DOWN 1. Rudolph, Prancer, etc. (8) 2. Closest extinct human relatives (12) 3. Synthetic leather material for cleaning; antelope (7) 4. Lullaby about a baby falling out of a tree (8,4) 5. Played the main fish in the animated movie Shark Tale (4,5) 8. Collingwood AFL team mascot (6) 14. Schutzstaffel abbrev. (1,1) 15. Small body of water (4) 16. An adult female swine (3) 18. Shot out of octopus tentacles (3) 20. Terabyte abbrev. (1,1)

TRIVIAL TRIVIA Words Cameron Anderson Picture Janet Wood 1. Which HBO show starring Nicole Kidman is based on a book by Australian author Liane Moriarty? 2. Where are Prince Harry and Meghan Markle getting married this May? 3. According to statistics from back in 2016, which country has

the most solar power installations in the world? 4. Which artist spent the most weeks at number one on the ARIA Singles Chart in 2017? 5. What is cilantro also known as? 6. Which female cricket player has scored the most runs for an Aussie in one test match innings?

7. What is the capital of Turkey? 8. Who won the first ever series of Australian Idol? 9. Who was the tallest Prime Minister of Australia? 10. What colour is the copper carbonate hydroxide mineral, malachite?

Priority seating. May 2018 | The Beast 81


CANCER JUN 22-JUL 22 Living near a construction site is even worse than living next door to Charlie Manson - the cost of breaking your lease is well worth it.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 21 Just because everyone thinks you’re a selfish prick already, it doesn’t mean you actually have to behave like one all the time.

LEO JUL 23-AUG 22 The only thing that can make you happy right now is a big stiffy. You know where to find one; grit your teeth and do what needs to be done.

CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 20 Pack your bags and leave Australia forever. It’s too expensive, you have no future here. The lucky country is somewhere else.

VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 23 Nothing proves how little you know about someone like a totally inappropriate birthday gift, so just chip in for the group present.

AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19 Your breath smells a bit like an arse. Not as bad as a freshly sharted arse, but an arse nonetheless. Please sort it out.

TAURUS APR 21-MAY 21 Putting on a fancy outfit and going to the races does not make you a celebrity... until you have your first line of coke.

LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23 Having unprotected sex with multiple partners may be risky business, but it's much better than having no sex at all, even if you get a wart.

PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20 A long forgotten lover will suddenly reappear and surprise you with the child you never knew you had.

GEMINI MAY 22-JUN 21 The only way you’re going to be able to afford to live in the Eastern Suburbs is by gambling at least 50% of your income each month.

SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22 If you keep blaming everyone else for your problems, you will never learn why so many problems keep coming your way.

ARIES MAR 21-APR 20 The dunny may be a great place to read news articles on your phone, but be careful not to get sidetracked and forget to wipe.

STAR SIGNS Words Beardy from Hell

TRIVIAL TRIVIA SOLUTIONS

ü Australian owned and run ü Operating for 20 years ü Professional and experienced ü Transit insurance ü Coogee based

Services

• Home and office removals • Corporate events • Storage • Packing • Boxes and packaging

Phone 9797 7290 Mobile 0409 808 866 www.clarkremovals.com.au 82 The Beast | May 2018

1. Big Little Lies 2. St. George's Chapel, Windsor Castle 3. China 4. Ed Sheeran (18 weeks) 5. Coriander 6. Ellyse Perry (213 not out) 7. Ankara 8. Guy Sebastian 9. Gough Whitlam (194 cm) 10. Green 1

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Newly Refurbished & New Menu Dinner: 7 Nights | Lunch: Fri–Sun

81 Carrington Road, Waverley @charingcrosshotel | #charingcrosshotel

The Beast - May 2018  

The May 2018 Edition of The Beast, featuring Clayton Donovan.

The Beast - May 2018  

The May 2018 Edition of The Beast, featuring Clayton Donovan.

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