The Beast - June 2018

BEAST The

June 2018

DICK SMITH

Solving the Population Puzzle

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WELCOME TO JUNE 2018... NO COMPLAINTS HERE Words Dan and James Hutton

W

elcome to the June 2018 edition of The Beast – the monthly magazine for Sydney’s Beaches of the East.

As we sleepily put the final touches on yet another edition of The Beast - number 161, to be precise - a howling southerly has just blown in and begun to violently rattle the paper-thin windows in my (rented) ancient apartment. Is it really winter already? It sure feels like it tonight, but after enjoying what felt like six balmy months of summer, we really can’t complain.

This month’s cover star is former Australian of the Year and jack of all trades (master of many), Dick Smith. We’ve been wanting to interview Dick for quite a while now, so when celebrity agent Max Markson’s email landed in my inbox we jumped at the opportunity.

We’d prepared sixty-odd questions prior to the interview, but Dick is

very focussed on the population debate and we were happy to let that issue dominate the discussion - after all, it’s an issue that is becoming increasingly relevant as Sydney becomes more and more crowded and our aging infrastructure fails to keep up.

Siriol Dafydd kicks off this month’s ‘News’ section with her musings on the challenge of finding love in the Eastern Suburbs.

You would think that the Eastern Suburbs, with so many hot and horny people hanging around here all the time, would offer plenty of options for love but, as Siriol points out, all of the evidence seems to point to the contrary.

Duncan Horscroft met up with Bronte resident and entrepreneur Kietah Martens-Shaw, who recently launched her charitable initiative, B.OKideas. Following her own battle with cervical

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cancer and kidney disease, Kietah decided to launch B.OKideas as a gifting movement to help promote self-care and bring awareness to general mental wellbeing.

Siriol has also provided an update on Randwick City Council’s 2018-19 draft budget, which was released on May 1 and is currently open for public exhibition, and our newest contributor, Mr Con Gestion, has penned a piece discussing the dysfunctional and dangerous design of Bondi Junction’s botched bus depot.

It’s been a busy time at The Beast of late. Our readership continues to grow, and more and more businesses are getting involved with the mag. We hope we’ve been able to stay in touch with what our readers want to see in their local magazine, and we always welcome your constructive feedback.

Dan and James - Publishers

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Contents June 2018 Issue 161 08 10 12 14 18 20 22 24 25 38 42 43 44 56 58 60 61 62 64 66 68 70 74 76 80 81 82 82

Welcome Note Contents Pearls of Wisdom Monthly Mailbag Local Bloke Local Chick Thumbs and Dogs Local News Beastpops Satire Calendar Trade Directory Interview Marjorie's Musings Unreliable Guide Fish ‘n’ Tips Tide Chart Headnoise Sporting Life Sexy Time Enviro News Travel Bug Local Photos Food & Wine Reviews Trivial Trivia Beardy From Hell Trivia Solutions

Got to keep your head up, by Ashlea Hingston. Instagram: @ashhingstonphotography.

Business Council of Australia Chief Organiser Jennifer Westacott.

MAINTAIN THE HATE, AUSTRALIA Words Pearl Bullivant Picture Nat King Koel

T

here is something inherently Australian about the sound of the Common Koel at 3.00am and the sound of big business having a good old whinge to the media.

Both are sharp of voice, echoing and repetitive, designed to wear down all those around them until their cries reach a crescendo of pure desperation, resulting in the masses surrendering, waking up and granting the tax cuts big business (not the Koel) so desperately desires.

Being parasites, both species are alert to any opportunity to seize control of a nest or industry, starving the small players and tossing them out, making their home a monopoly where one dwells, untouched by government. Just as we hate the Koel, we also love it because it is the sound of Australia, just like we love big business because we are stupid enough to invest our superannuation funds in company shares, hedging our retirement on the success of big companies, whose motives we dare not question for fear of a belly-up resulting from not succumbing to their outrageous demands.

12 The Beast | June 2018

Big business has been whinging an awful lot lately, mainly via its voice, the Business Council of Australia (BCA) - nagging, threatening and spouting the usual “growth” crap to push through company tax cuts. So desperate have they become that the “passionate” head of the BCA, Jennifer Westacott, has reinvented herself as a union leader, using words that one would normally associate with workers’ rights such as, “Cut tax and see wages grow,” or activism’s, “Stop the hate.”

Hell, when did big business become a race of people? “Stop the hate” is the biggy here because, according to the BCA, the populace hates big business. And it’s just not “hate”, it’s “ideological hatred”, it’s “weeds of politics”. Well, Pearl could provide Ms Westacott with plenty of reasons why Australians may hate big business and why they could be considered weeds.

Perhaps it’s got something to do with anti-competitive practices, sending jobs offshore, casualisation of the workforce, destruction of the environment and water supply, the constant threat of economic apoca-

lypse if the government doesn’t give into their demands...

But it’s the ransom-holding that really pisses Pearl off, when our leaders constantly place the rights of big business before the rights of the people, when what is supposedly a “free market” is in fact far from free - it’s distorted, and it’s distorted for the benefit of one group: big business.

Listening to the BCA’s whinging, the one thing that strikes me is how pathetic our business leaders are. “Dole bludgers” have nothing on big business when it comes to exploiting the naivety of the taxpaying masses, who are conned into believing the trickle down economics propaganda fed to them via Mr Murdoch.

Big business are a bunch of whining, greedy brats, obsessed with maintaining their balance of power over Australia with hysteria and scaremongering. Like the Koel who migrates to PNG in winter, the big businesses take their profits offshore to avoid their tax obligations to the Australian people. For this I say, “Maintain The Hate, Australia.”

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warnings, many still do it. Some Sydney councils have on-call and area clean-ups, so call your local council to inquire. Dumping illegally is a no-no and, as I mentioned, your neighbours will probably dob you in.

THE BEAST'S MONTHLY MAILBAG Words The People of the Eastern Suburbs LOCAL COUNCILS 101 AN INTRODUCTION Local councils, love them or hate them, are here to stay. Over the years I have been reading the various letters in The Beast, many of which seem to be against the local councils, whether it be Randwick, Waverley or Woollahra, and what they are doing or have done.

Over the past 15 years I have worked in many areas of a local council. I have since left to go back to private enterprise, so this is my exposé on what many people in council really think of their residents and ratepayers: they generally like them!

Councils do so much for their communities but it is the residents that don’t really seem that grateful.

Sometimes the residents/ratepayers can be a**holes, but the councils keep on working hard for them.

Here are some little ditties on how the community can make it hard for councils and their staff...

Blocking People's Driveways Council workers roll their eyes at this. Why on earth do people park in front of other people’s driveways? Are they lazy sods? Or are they just not caring? It does cause a lot of grief.

Parking Permits Like the Inner West, the Eastern Suburbs is also very congested.

So, in many areas, parking permits are required. Many sulk at the idea of paying to park their car on the street, but you do not own 14 The Beast | June 2018

anything beyond your boundary. When you do apply, bring those registration papers, because customer service needs to see them every time you apply or renew. It’s not that hard.

“I Pay My Rates” Yes you do, and so do millions of other people. This does not make you special, and if you say that to any council staff member, they will just try not to laugh at you.

Age is No Barrier Many call up council to acquire help or to report some issues in their neighbourhood, which is nice, but don’t continue telling us about how old you are and that you can’t do this or do that. We don’t care that you are an 80 year-old, or a single mother with a daughter you are all equal.

Don't Trust the Neighbour Council receives many calls from people who are complaining about their neighbours, and they must act on these complaints. In the past there have been many incidents where neighbourly catfights have been the norm. If you don’t want your council to intervene, then why call council to intervene on such petty stuff in the first place?

The Daily Dump Another issue councils have is the ‘daily dump’ - people dumping household items onto the nature strip, without approval. Council really hates this but, despite all the

Take Responsibility Reporting issues to council is fine.

Actually, that is what they are there for - to help in fixing and maintaining things and picking up your rubbish - but the responsibility does lie with you as well. Don’t blame your local council for everything that goes wrong, especially when it may not be the council’s fault. Be responsible and pay attention to your surroundings.

So there it is, thanks.

Anastasia Beaverton Bondi Junction FIVE MILLION TREES, TWO STADIA AND STILL WAITING FOR PUBLIC TRANSPORT Dear Editor - The offer of NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian to plant five million trees - one for each Sydney resident, or one for each broken promise - will soon be seen for what it is: an attempt at political camouflage for the public transport and other policy failures of her government.

An offer to plant trees, instead of facing NSW and Sydney’s long standing, non-stadium issues, is surely what the Greens refer to, during their current bitter factional wars, as ‘Tree Toryism’.

While I may appreciate standing in the shade of these trees as I wait by the side of the Connex operated tollways, local roads - perhaps even footpaths - for delayed buses caused by Connex-delivered gridlock, or the arrival of much-needed but postponed bikeways and new train lines, I’d prefer that Gladys gave some stadium-free attention to education, public transport and health spending.

And allow me to anticipate what Mr Foley, the opposition leader, will say: that this is just another needless government-funded dirt digging scheme by the premier’s party.

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If the trees are ever planted, then I am confident that Gladys’ National Party government colleagues will, in short order, move to classify any of the trees planted in their electorates as ‘woody weeds’, or a bushfire hazard, and seek to have them ring barked and clear-felled.

The Greek philosopher Aristotle (well-known to many Sydneysiders?) used to teach his philosophy while walking among the trees. I ask your readers in Gladys’ new and promised NSW Arcadia: will the lessons taught only be about wrong-headed priorities, bad government and poor decisionmaking, and taught by example?

Wishing you well in all things.

Garry P Dalrymple Earlwood EXTEND THE RAIL LINE In response to Dr Marjorie O’Neill’s article in the April 2018 edition of The Beast (Why the Bondi Tram is the Wrong Way To Go), a far better solution would be for the rail line to be extended from Bondi Junction to Bondi Beach, as was originally planned, but of course the selfishness of residents ensured that this never happened.

Instead, you have endless overcrowded buses clogging up Bondi Road every day of the week, with queues at the stops that stretch into absurdity whenever it’s sunny on the weekend.

But, of course, any attempt to address this problem is killed by the same entitled NIMBY thinking that killed the Bondi Train in the first place.

And as for the 440, it was a great route that provided one of the only easy ways to get from the Eastern Suburbs to the Inner West, but I wouldn’t expect the sort of people who clearly think no-one should ever come into or leave the Eastern Suburbs to understand the virtues of that.

Also, your arguments about density are nonsense. Randwick is five kilometres from the city centre and has a density of about 5,000 people per square kilome16 The Beast | June 2018

tre, which is absurdly low for a capital city. Most of the suburbs of London five kilometres from the city centre have a density three to four times that (i.e. 15,000-20,000 per square kilometre). If you want a transit network like the London Underground, you have to have a certain level of density to make it practical; you can’t support an extensive, high-frequency subway with a handful of users.

Spencer Bondi DOCKLESS SHARE BIKES Dear Madam, Sir - I have just become a Coogee resident and, while on a family walk last weekend, we were all shocked at the number of discarded and trashed share bikes along the Coogee to Maroubra coastal walk.

Today I read the article by Siriol Dafydd in The Beast which addresses this exact problem (Dockless Bikes Remain a Local Nuisance, May 2018). The obvious solution is to create bike hubs where users can get a refund for the return of share bikes, similar to the system adopted by supermarkets for shopping trolley return. It seems this method is already being employed in Queensland.

The creation of share bicycles is an imaginative way of encouraging citizens to leave their cars at home, to ease traffic congestion, to do healthy exercise and enjoy some fresh air, and also to explore what the area has to offer. Why not offer a ‘lollipop’ to the mindless, immature, irresponsible low-lifes to keep our environment clean and not put the kybosh on this excellent venture?

Vivienne Weidler Coogee MACE FACE Hey, Anonymous of Waverley So, me drawing attention to the pitfalls of an article advocating the use of prohibited weapons for selfdefence (Show No Mercy, Letters, The Beast, March 2018) makes me a brainless sleazebag defending ‘my right to molest strangers’?

Seriously, that is one of the best

strawman arguments I’ve heard in a long time.

It’s great to hear that you’ve developed the skills to defend yourself, but you only diminish the position of strong women with this kind of anonymous harpy logic.

More power to women who can recognise a real threat and defend themselves with legitimate means when the time comes. I hope they never have to. See you at Krav training.

Julian Waverley A SINCERE THANKYOU Hi there - I just wanted to write and thank you for publishing my letter last month. I also wanted to remind you that you forgot to put a picture of a half naked woman in your photographic pages. Also, I was wondering why you have two editors, do you each have fifty per cent brain capacity?

Loretta The Moon

THE BEAST Publisher The Beast Pty Ltd ABN 32 143 796 801 www.thebeast.com.au Editors james@thebeast.com.au dan@thebeast.com.au Advertising Enquiries advertising@thebeast.com.au www.thebeast.com.au/advertise Circulation 61,000 copies of The Beast are distributed every month; 55,500 are placed in local residents' mailboxes and another 5,500 copies are placed in shopfronts.

PEFC Certified The Beast is printed on paper sourced from sustainably managed forests.

Letters To The Editor You can email your feedback to letters@thebeast.com.au. Please include your name and suburb.

World Environment Day

Calling all local environment groups!

Get a table and meet your fellow environmentalists, network, share food, test your knowledge at our World Environment Day Trivia event.

Prizes and giveaways.

Trivia Host, Costa Georgiardis

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Book your table NOW! team.eco@randwick.nsw.gov.au PH: 9093 6222 Natalya

What music are you into at the moment? I listen to anything from Metallica to Enya, and I don’t mind some of the new artists at the moment, but my go-to list would be a bit old-school: Live, Midnight Oil, Fleetwood Mac, INXS, Simple Minds...

Who is your favourite person? My beautiful wife and two kids, and a shout out to my business partner, Nic Monteforte.

Get in shape with Shane!

LOCAL BLOKE...

SHANE BYRNE FROM CLOVELLY Interview and Picture James Hutton

C

lovelly’s Shane Byrne moved to Sydney as a young fella and has called the Eastern Suburbs home ever since. He shares his local favourites with The Beast...

How long have you lived here?

I grew up in Taree and Forster and moved to Sydney with my parents at the age of 7. I’ve lived in Clovelly for the last 18 years, with a few short stints spent living in BrisVegas and The Netherlands for work, not play!

Why do you live here? Cloey is the little gem of the East. It still manages a community feel, which I love to be a part of.

What's your favourite beach? I have two: Bronte, if I want to jump in the waves and have a body surf, and Clovelly - the Amalfi Coast of the East - for a dip, a few laps of the bay or a snorkel with my kids to check out the blue gropers.

What's your favourite eatery?

Uyen Vietnamese restaurant in Charing Cross - hands down the best Vietnamese in Sydney. The food is amazing and the owners (Richard and Vi) even more so. We have been going to their restaurant 18 The Beast | June 2018

for over 20 years and the food never disappoints. Local’s tip: get the rice paper rolls with prawn and pork - amazing.

Where do you like to have a drink?

With two kids aged 11 and 13, I spend most weekends travelling all over Sydney attending sporting events, which means that my favourite destination is home for a few sherbets. The Charing Cross Hotel is a pretty cool hangout these days and has a great selection of beers on tap.

Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? The beaches - what else would you choose?! Being able to run down and jump in the water any day is a privilege I never take for granted.

Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? The traffic, it sucks! It makes getting anywhere in Sydney stressful.

Do you have a favourite sporting team? My sons’ AFL club, the Moore Park Tigers. I have played basketball most of my life so I love watching the NBA. The Aussies playing in the US at the moment are doing amazing things.

What do you get up to on the weekends? If I have a morning to myself I will go up and have a workout at the best gym on the planet, Gym 115 (corner of Rae and Avoca Streets, Randwick).

Living in the East, the best way to start the weekend is going for a walk and a swim, it’s such a great hangover cure!

What do you do for work? I just opened Gym 115 in Randwick after working in the fitness industry for 25 years. Late last year the opportunity to take over the old Black Belt Pro site became available. We offer everything from small group classes, like HIIT and boxing, to cardio, and free and machine weights. We also have a great wellness space offering yoga, pilates and BARRE classes. Come up and check us out, we believe we have the best offering around.

What's your favourite thing about work? Working in the fitness industry means I need to stay healthy - not Superman healthy, but heart and body healthy. That’s a pretty good benefit to get from your work.

Do you have a favourite quote?

“It’s not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself.”

This has gotten me through my working career so far.

Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? “Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop to take a look around once in a while, you could miss it.” - Wise words from the great Ferris Bueller.

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Who is your favourite person?

There’s too many to list.

What do you get up to on the weekends? These past weekends I’ve been learning as much as I can about self-publishing my book.

Apart from that, enjoying time with friends, yoga and the beach.

Terri don’t worry, about a thing...

LOCAL CHICK...

TERRI Mc MENAMIN FROM WAVERLEY Interview and Picture James Hutton

W

e met Terri Mc Menamin from Waverley up at Joe’s barbers in the Junction. She’s a fine shaver of heads, but she’s also written a book! Terri shares her local favourites with The Beast...

Where do you like to have a drink?

Heart & Soul Cafe in Cronulla do an awesome masala chai tea, and it has a great vibe. I also like to go to About Life in Surry Hills for a turmeric coconut latte after yoga.

How long have you lived here? I’ve spent nine years in Sydney, and one of those living in Waverley.

Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? That would have to be the sunrise. I love to watch the sun come up from the Maroubra cliffs on the South Coogee side - it’s nature’s Gold Class.

Why do you live here? I just love it! Waverley is beautiful and quiet, with great community gardens, neighbours and ocean views. It’s a short walk to the beaches, Centennial Park and Bondi Junction, and it’s so close to the city - it’s perfect!

What's your favourite beach?

Bronte is my new favourite. It’s close to my house and it has the beautiful Bronte Gully.

What's your favourite eatery?

Bodhi, in the park on College Street. Their tofu sliders with cabbage jam and spicy mayo are the best, and being surrounded by trees, fairy lights and lanterns really enhances the experience.

20 The Beast | June 2018

Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? It would be great if there was more vegan cafes and restaurants.

Do you have a favourite sporting team? I don’t watch much sport these days, but when I lived in Boston I was a regular supporter at Fenway Park, the oldest ballpark in baseball, so you can imagine the atmosphere.

What music are you into at the moment? I’m learning to play guitar and we have been jamming to Three Little Birds by Bob Marley for weeks now.

What do you do for work? I am a barber at Joe’s Just For Men in Bondi Junction, and I am also a natural therapist practicing and teaching reiki and vibrational kinesiology. My most recent project has been writing and illustrating a children’s book called I Am love, which is filled with fun animal illustrations and positive empowering affirmations. You can check it out on my Facebook page, ‘I am love book’.

What's your favourite thing about work? I meet all sorts of interesting people (like James from The Beast) that share their life experiences. The most gratifying experience is observing transformation.

It can be as simple as a haircut, or seeing my clients grow from single men to partners or husbands and then into fathers, or university students taking up their role in society, and kids growing up into adults. With the natural therapies I get to witness people overcome their life challenges and become empowered by their experiences.

I am constantly inspired by the people around me and it’s been a real privilege.

Do you have a favourite quote?

“If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” - Roald Dahl.

Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? “You matter,” and, “You are more than enough.” I'm also really loving the everyday wisdom coming out of Harris Farm: “For the greater goodness,” and, “It’s what's inside that counts.” Oh, and, “Don’t worry, about a thing, ‘cause every little thing’s, gonna be alright...”

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June 2018 | The Beast 21

ATLAS & JEWEL Age 10 years; 11 years Sex Male; Female Breed Spitz x; Schnauzer x Maltese Weight 8.8kg; 6.7kg

“Cut off ya, cut off ya forey, forey.”

THUMBS UP NEW ZEALAND A beautiful country full of fun and friendly people, that makes all the right decisions and doesn’t take itself too seriously... and also has a pretty good rugby team.

SEA SHEPHERD The annual whale migration has begun and every time we see a whale’s water spout off in the distance we think of Captain Paul Watson and the work of his courageous crew.

LAKEMBA Ramadan runs until June 14 this year and, once the sun has set, Lakemba is the place to be. Grab your passport, jump onto the Middle Eastern Distributor and experience a side of Sydney you’ll never forget.

FALLING HOUSE PRICES Maybe, just maybe, the stars will align and we might be able to afford a place around here, but we won’t hold our breath.

THUMBS DOWN ISRAEL FOLAU We pity anyone who lacks the intellectual capacity to think beyond the outdated ‘teachings’ of a book written by a bunch of blokes thousands of years ago.

CORPORATE TAX CUTS We’ve been dragged into a global corporate tax race to the bottom that won’t spark investment and won’t create jobs.

THE FLU This season’s influenza strain has been absolutely brutal. Go and get the flu jab before you wind up in hospital or the morgue (it won’t make you autistic and we weren’t paid by a pharmaceutical company to write this).

AMERICAN TELEVISION Nothing makes you dumber than sitting in front of the television being fed mindless seppo trash for hours on end.

22 The Beast | June 2018

Atlas and Jewel are a bonded pair of cute hounds.

They are gentle, easygoing doggies with a loving and affectionate nature. They are social with other dogs and like to play. Atlas has a fluffy coat that needs clipping, and Jewel has a non-shedding coat that requires little effort. Atlas and Jewel come desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free, and microchipped. Also included for the love and health of Atlas and Jewel is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For more details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email monika@doggierescue.com.

CARLOS Age 12 years Sex Male Breed Spitz x Weight 9.4kg Carlos is a sweet-natured dog who loves pats and cuddles. He is social with other dogs and is always keen to play, although he isn’t quite as fit and agile as he used to be back in his heydey. He is easy to handle and loves to be around people. Carlos has a fluffy coat that is relatively easy to clip. Carlos comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free, and microchipped.

Also included for the love and health of Carlos is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For more details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email monika@doggierescue.com.

COSMO Age 1-2 years Sex Male Breed Bull Arab x Cattle Weight 17kg Cosmo is a happy, bouncy boy. He is friendly with other dogs and loves people. He is easy to walk on loose lead, ignoring other dogs and cars, and he loves a jog. He has a playful, puppy-like manner and will be great with children after some training. He has a short coat that requires little work. Cosmo comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free, and microchipped.

Also included for the love and health of Cosmo is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For more details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email monika@doggierescue.com.

COOGEE: 214 Coogee Bay Rd | SURRY HILLS: Shop 4,490 CRown St | WOOLLAHRA: 68 MonCuR St

What is love? Baby don't hurt me...

IS IT REALLY POSSIBLE TO FIND LOVE IN THE EASTERN SUBURBS? Words Siriol Dafydd Picture Sue Perficial

I

’ve never been that bothered about finding ‘the one’, nor do I believe he really exists. I’ve never wanted children and haven’t been that fussed on the idea of marriage either. For me, dating (or, let’s be honest, a string of poorly chosen flings and one night stands) has never had an end goal. If I meet someone I like enough to hang around with until one of us inevitably perishes, great. But I refuse to spend my life on a frantic quest to find something that may or may not be attainable; I’ve got other sh*t to do (although, admittedly, it would be nice to have someone to hold me and stroke my hair through some of my more debilitating hangovers).

24 The Beast | June 2018

For many women (and men) however, finding a partner to go through life with is paramount.

They know what they want and are not afraid to look for it. My friends are constantly trawling through the latest dating apps and going on bad dates, trying (and failing) to find a meaningful connection.

You would think that the Eastern Suburbs - a land oozing with beautiful, health-obsessed, scantily clad people parading their impossibly gorgeous bodies along the beach - would offer plenty of options for love, but all evidence points to the contrary.

In Sydney it’s widely believed that there are three girls to every guy, and it definitely feels that way.

Not that superficial things should matter, but in my experience even the ‘aesthetically challenged’ guys have their pick of extraordinarily beautiful girls. With so many options available to them, these guys won’t look twice at perfectly nice, ordinary looking women, and they’re certainly in no hurry to settle down. They have an inflated view of themselves. They want the supermodel looks with the humility of a mere civilian, and in the Eastern Suburbs they can actually get it, so why would they settle?

Melbourne supposedly has the opposite problem. Now I’m no Cindy Crawford (or any model more relevant to this century), but even I found that in Melbourne

the men put far more time and effort into the chase. With more guys than girls to choose from, they have their feet firmly on the ground. It shouldn’t be this way in 2018 but women generally still expect the guy to approach them it’s silly but it’s true (and suits my life-long, crippling fear of rejection just fine) - so maybe moving to Melbourne is the key to eternal happiness, or at least the key to finding a man?

Over the years, many of my friends have either moved away or seriously considered it, in order to find someone. One friend, after living in Sydney for three years on a fruitless quest for love, decided to move to England in order to meet someone. Two months later she was in a serious relationship. She’s getting married next month.

So do you need to leave our little slice of heaven if you want to find a long term relationship?

The Eastern Suburbs has always felt a bit like Neverland to me.

As a migrant, life in Bondi - four years in - still feels like a constant holiday. I’ve made my fair share of friends from all around the world here (including many Australians) and they all seem to feel the same.

Maybe it’s because the set-up is so sweet with good weather, plenty of beaches, endless bars and countless brunch spots, so nobody is really in any hurry to grow up?

Even those who do eventually pluck up the courage to raise human children get pushed out due to house prices, so what’s left is an inevitably young crowd mixed in with the not-so-young stragglers still chasing backpackers at the Beach Road every Wednesday night. And really, what self-respecting, independent woman of a certain age wants to compete with a twenty-year-old, perky-breasted Swedish bombshell at 2am on a school night?

Personally, I’d happily die alone with a glass of Shiraz in my beach-adjacent Bondi flat, but if you want the white picket fence, the two kids and a decent man on your arm, you might want to get out while you still can!

IS IT REALLY SO DIFFICULT TO FIND LOVE IN THE EAST? Words and Pictures Stiffy McPherson

Ellie RANDWICK I think it’s all about instant gratification these days, swiping your finger left and right to find the right person. To find a long-term partner can be hard in the Eastern Suburbs, but I guess these things tend to happen when you’re not looking.

The whole online dating thing isn’t really for me because I’m a local dentist, but the divorce rate around here is so high that there’s always plenty of available single parents.

Zelimir KINGSFORD I’m currently in a relationship, but I was single for five years before that. Loads of my mates are single. Apart from the occasional fling where you meet someone on a night out, I think it’s hard to make meaningful connections around here these days. Maybe it’s because they’re all caught up in their own little cliques? I met my girlfriend in Bondi at the Beach Road Hotel one night, it’s a f*cking shithole now but it used to be alright.

Lauren BONDI I grew up around the Eastern Suburbs and have seen it change from a place where everyone knows everyone to a suburb consisting mainly of transients who have just come here for fun, so I sympathise with singles who are looking for a serious relationship that would find it difficult to find someone who wants to settle down. I’m loved up with a country boy who I met while working in a co-working space in Edgecliff.

June 2018 | The Beast 25

You’re not alone.

IT’S OK TO HELP WITH MENTAL HEALTH Words Duncan Horscroft Pictures Morgan Wood

D

epression and anxiety can be defined in many ways and overcome by different methods including a positive mindset, relaxation techniques, small reminders that everything’s going to be fine, or even just the thought of knowing you are supported and not alone.

Bronte resident Kietah Martens-Shaw has experienced the tough times first-hand after being diagnosed with cervical cancer, followed by kidney disease that was caused by a reaction to medication. With little understanding and acceptance of what was happening to her, Kietah fell into a deep depression.

After three years of bad health and disappointing results she got the all clear with cervical cancer, and it was through those years of struggle that she decided to help others and founded B.OKideas.

“During that dark period I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness - not because I didn’t have people around but rather the people around me were not sure how to support me, what to say or what would help,” she told The Beast.

26 The Beast | June 2018

B.OKideas is a gifting movement to help promote self-care and bring awareness to general mental wellbeing. It offers an array of ideas inspired by Kietah’s personal experiences, in particular a B.OK box offering support over a 63-day period.

The boxes are seasonal and aimed at providing a unique support method which will help guide people to a happier mindset. The recipient will be given an envelope to open every 7-14 days and each envelope has a new gift, concept and quote to concentrate on.

Other motivational items include a pair of socks with a subtle reminder to ‘be happy’, a wallet card for you to note who your B.OK buddies are, a coconut candle, essential oils and more.

“In addition to the gifting element is the B.OK Buddy Community,” Kietah said.

“We have created this digital platform on Facebook which is an international hub where people can feel safe, comfortable and supported through tough times.”

She said her current goal is to incorporate the boxes into corpo-

rate wellness programs to help employers support employees during tough times. She is also looking to provide boxes to homeless shelters and other charities.

“We are also hoping to expand the box range to meet the needs of a wider audience, such as tailored ones for males, females, children and the elderly,” she said.

B.OKideas is donating 10 per cent of all sales to the Waves of Wellness Foundation, which helps those with mental health issues through surf therapy in a nonclinical environment.

“Surfing has personally helped me and it’s the only time I am 100% present and in tune with myself. I want to ensure that as many people as possible get that chance,” Kietah said.

One of the motivational cards in the B.OK box says, “We can’t help everyone. But everyone can help someone.” - definitely an edict we should all aspire to!

For further information, please visit www.bokideas.com or check out @bokideas on Instragram.

Grab a Coffee on us!

Simply subscribe to our mailing list during the month of June and be treated to a coffee on us! Visit our website at royalrandwick.com.au

YOUR HOME FOR SHOPPING shopping centre

BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Lisa Anderson Picture Mark Hunter Instagram @bondihunter HELP THE HOMELESS KEEP WARM Every year, Dave Martin from Courtyard Café in Coogee collects anything warm that will help the homeless people of the Eastern Suburbs and surrounds. This winter, Dave is hoping to source enough decent quality blankets doonas, sleeping bags, coats and jackets to help everyone doing it tough and these items can be dropped down to Courtyard any time before June 15. Dave has also set up a community library and invites people to bring in their old books and swap them for ones they haven’t read. It’s going to be a cold winter so please visit the Courtyard Café Facebook page and get behind this awesome initiative.

LOCAL SUICIDE SUPPORT GROUP If you have been touched by suicide there is now a safe space where you can freely talk with others who have shared a similar experience, so there is no need to suffer alone. Meetings are held once a month and are a source for support, connection and information for anyone who has been impacted directly or indirectly by suicide.

It’s a free, non-denominational, confidential group, facilitated by

Selamat Soré.

a clinical psychologist and social worker. The next meeting is on Tuesday, June 5 from 6-7.30pm at JewishCare, Woollahra. Please RSVP to familyandfriends@jewishcare.com.au. For help any time, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

BEATING CANCER Two years ago, Bondi local Elle Halliwell sat in a doctor’s surgery making the hardest decision of her life. Halliwell, a fashion reporter with The Daily Telegraph, tells of her decision to risk her own life and delay treatment for a rare form of leukaemia while carrying her first child in her debut book, A Mother’s Choice. The book details Elle’s diagnosis with Leukaemia and pregnancy within a 48-hour period and what she learned during the months following. For more information, please visit www.allenandunwin.com.

DONATIONS OF [UNUSED] SANITARY PRODUCTS NEEDED Share The Dignity is an Australian women’s charity bringing dignity to homeless, at-risk women experiencing domestic violence through the distribution of sanitary items and funding of

funerals for those killed as a result of domestic violence. They need help from the kind readers of The Beast because your small act of kindness can give monthly dignity to Australia’s most vulnerable women. They do a sanitary products drive every April and August, so keep an eye on their website for drop-off points and other information, or just donate some cash! To see how you can help, please visit www.sharethedignity.com.au.

JIMMY DOUBLES UP Jimmy Barnes recently became the first author in history to win the Biography of the Year Award twice - and he did it in consecutive years.

Barnes received the publishing industry accolade for Working Class Man, the number one bestselling second volume of his memoirs. He previously won the 2017 Biography of the Year Award for his first volume, Working Class Boy, which was another number one bestseller.

The Working Class Boy audiobook, narrated by Barnes, was also shortlisted. A feature-length documentary film based on the Working Class Boy book and live show will screen in cinemas and on Channel 7 later this year.

Belinda Clemesha Ray White Bondi Junction | Randwick

• 30 years of experience selling homes in Sydney's Eastern Suburbs • Experienced the ups and downs of five real estate cycles • Consistent sales achievement in all market conditions

“For personal, professional advice on buying or selling, please get in touch!”

Phone: 0418 415 260 Email: belinda.clemesha@raywhite.com

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June 2018 | The Beast 29

The Randwick Municipal Council garbage truck back in June 1939.

RANDWICK'S 2018-19 DRAFT BUDGET OPEN FOR PUBLIC EXHIBITION Words Siriol Dafydd Picture Ray Tike

R

andwick City Council’s 201819 draft budget was released on May 1 and is currently open for public exhibition. Set to deliver $70 million in new community initiatives, programs and activities, the budget will be available for public comment until 9.00am on June 1.

So, if you’re a devoted fan of The Beast who reads it as soon as it’s delivered, you still have a chance to have your say on how Randwick Council should spend your money next financial year, providing that you actually live in Randwick Council’s LGA of course. But you’d better get a wriggle on, because time is nearly up.

“I’m particularly excited to be investing in our arts and local culture with design work to start on upgrading the La Perouse Museum and designing a new Cultural Centre at Blenheim House in Randwick, as well as new public art,” Randwick Mayor Lindsay Shurey announced in a press release in early May. Domestic violence is also a focal point of Randwick Council’s budget plans. Similar efforts were

30 The Beast | June 2018

recently discussed at Woollahra Council with new research underway for future support and facilities in their local government area.

“I’m pleased we are taking responsible steps to address domestic violence with an innovative strategy to support women exiting crisis accommodation into medium term accommodation,” said Mayor Shurey.

Other highlights of the budget include 4.9km of road upgrades and 3km of new and improved footpaths, and a new Gymnastics and Indoors Sports Centre, two major playground upgrades and various building and public toilet upgrades at La Perouse, Malabar, Yarra Bay and Maroubra.

A significant part of the budget - a whopping $38.7 million - is set for new buildings and upgrades.

Spend is also allocated for public wifi, a Randwick Environment Park boardwalk extension and anti-terrorism works.

Unfortunately, like anything in this world, you’re not getting something for nothing, and with positive changes come rate increases. Council has applied to

IPART (the Independent Pricing & Regulatory Tribunal) for a Special Rate Variation of 7.64% to Council’s total rate base for 201819. If approved, this would result in residential rates increasing by 5.52% in the next financial year, which for the average ratepayer paying about $1,223 a year is an increase of $64.

The cost of collecting your rubbish, recycling, green waste and providing four clean-up services per household per year will also increase 2.35% per year, raising the cost from $554 to $567.

Mayor Shurey believes Council’s finances are in a good position with a total operating revenue of $157 million. Council is also in compliance with all seven of the State Government required financial indicators.

“This budget delivers for the community what we promised,” said Mayor Shurey.

“We’re continuing our tradition of responsible and sound financial practices and getting on with the business of providing the community with top quality services, facilities and programs.”

The good people behind Randwick Council’s website have broken the issues down into suburbs so that you can easily access the sections and subjects most relevant and important to you. So, if you plan on complaining about where Council’s money is going over the next twelve months, you really have no excuse not to speak up.

A report of comments and input received will be presented to Council on June 26. While official consultation closes on June 1, submissions after this time will still be considered and incorporated in the report if possible. So, if you’re reading this a little late in the game but desperately want your voice to be heard, you may still have time.

Have your say and view the documents at www.yoursayrandwick.com.au/budget2019 or view hard copies of the draft budget at Council’s Customer Service Centre and libraries.

FREE EVENT

KOOJAY CORROBOREE

Friday 1 June 2018 Coogee Beach 10am-2pm

Witness Coogee Beach come to life as Aboriginal dancers interpret Dreamtime through traditional and contemporary dance, music and costume.

10am Market stalls and activities 11.45am Lighting of the fires 12pm Speeches and performances

Experience a ceremonial Corroboree and join us in taking the next steps in our nation’s reconciliation journey.

1300 722 542 randwick.nsw.gov.au

A dog’s breakfast.

A SEWER FOR BUSES Words Con Gestion Picture James Hutton

T

he Bondi Junction Bus Interchange is a failed piece of public transport infrastructure.

This is shocking on its own, but catastrophic in the context of it being the busiest district centre bus interchange in Australia and a welcoming point for many tourists to our glorious Eastern Beaches.

It has failed on a number of counts. It is unsafe for customers and hazardous for drivers entering and exiting via Grosvenor Street at numerous times of the day, and the proliferation of warning signs and cracked pavement are testament if you have never used it; the escalator and lift capacities are stretched at peak times; the air-conditioned waiting spaces are unattractive and not up to standard, being more akin to a gaol waiting room than an airport terminal gate lounge as they should be; the bus halls are unsightly, littered with rubbish bins, crates and service infrastructure; and diesel exhausts and leaks stain the concrete and air.

But it gets worse. The buses accessing this neanderthal facility are funneled as a sewer through the pedestrian, retail and commercial centre of Bondi Junction down Bronte road, Oxford Street and Grosvenor Street, making them unsightly and unsafe. The centre’s five main intersections are already

32 The Beast | June 2018

over-congested with cars and buses. Pedestrians, as a priority, are ranked third.

Many people choose to use the interchange differently to how it was designed. Instead of using the ramp from the pedestrian mall and Tiffany Plaza many use Grosvenor Street and its dangerous bus crossings. They then have to battle across a service lane, up stairs and along a narrow sloping footpath to the lights opposite Westfield.

How did it get so bad? The Ministry of Transport in the 1990s, still caught in the ‘concrete shed’ school of bus interchange architecture, simply decked over the existing interchange without much thought about location, capacity or the impact on Bondi Junction.

They were more interested in capturing land value income from the air rights development that Meriton successfully executed.

What suffered was proper interchange design and amenity.

The bus projections and passenger volume predictions would not have anticipated the chaos. A 2007 traffic report showed 1,700 buses per day on Grosvenor Street at the interchange, 1,000 buses per day on Oxford Street by Westfield, and 700 buses per day on Bronte Road outside the Tea Gardens Hotel So, what can be done to rescue

the interchange and Bondi Junction? Only drastic surgery will alleviate the situation. The patient is very sick; there is so little space to move her around. Some have suggested a pedestrian tunnel from the interchange to Westfield with a major refurbishment of the interchange. This is not difficult and it would help remove some of the pedestrian dangers and improve amenity, but it is a suboptimal solution as there would still be buses trundling through the centre. Other ideas, including previous NSW Government plans, have sensibly suggested extending the rail line to Bondi Beach or to Randwick and La Perouse, which would spread the transport options and ease the bus load on the interchange. Unfortunately, this not on the horizon, and the light rail fiasco has not helped this idea.

However, a perfectly sound solution does exist, proposed by some local transport engineers, planners and architects. Under this plan a new interchange would be built in the airspace above Grafton Street between Syd Einfeld Drive and the Meriton and Westfield buildings, adjacent to the existing one but lifted into the light adjacent to the arterial road system. Primary bus access would be off Syd Einfeld Drive via lights/ramps with pedestrian access from Tiffany Plaza and the mall - the way it always should have been. This new interchange would have an ideal north-facing aspect, with views to the CBD, harbour and leafy district. It would be a pleasant place for people to wait. It could be designed, built and partly financed by Meriton and Westfield, who would gain advantage from the new design.

Westfield have delivered such infrastructure before at Shepherds Bush in West London where it built a rail station and bus interchange for around $500 million.

Smart uses would emerge for the existing bus halls and the streets of Bondi Junction would be reclaimed for safe and pleasant human movement, making it the vibrant day and night-time centre it always should have been.

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MORE BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Lisa Anderson Picture Kel Dummett CRAFT BEER FESTIVAL Sydney Showground at Olympic Park will play host to Australia and New Zealand’s largest craft beer festival on Saturday, June 2. This year, spirits will be included for the first time, as well as a cheese and prosecco bar. Holey Moley mini golf will also give punters a chance to have a game of mini golf while enjoying one of the 500 craft beers on offer, including 160 one-off festival beers and ciders with some banged up ingredients including Skittles, crickets, snails, waffles, yuzu and gin. Unless you’re a really good drunk driver, it might be best to take public transport, so please visit www.gabsfestival.com.

LIGHT RAIL HEADACHE RELIEF Randwick Mayor Lindsay Shurey is confident residents and businesses affected by light rail works will be well taken care of, following a recent meeting with the NSW Minister for Transport and Infrastructure, Andrew Constance.

The respite packages will include accommodation arrangements for residents impacted by night works, and small businesses will

Aleita and Poppy at Clovelly.

be offered ex-gratia payments to assist with rent as part of the small business assistance program.

In addition, the Minister said that Doncaster Avenue residents suffering from additional noise and light pollution as a result of construction will be offered practical solutions such as blinds, double glazing and noise-blocking plants to ease the pressures placed on them. For information about extra respite accommodation, residents should email alternativeaccommodation@transport.nsw. gov.au. Businesses should email SLRBizassistance@transport.nsw. gov.au.

THE GIFT OF MUSIC Music for Refugees has sent hundreds of musical instruments to refugees and asylum seekers both in and out of detention, throughout Australia and the Christmas Island Detention Centre. The group also visits detention centres to teach music and organise jam sessions with the detainees. They are now in their 10th year of operating and are about to send instruments to Manus Island and

Nauru, as well as sending a huge box of soccer jumpers and soccer balls to Manus, where they have just started a league. To find out how you can help, please visit www.musicforrefugees.org or visit their Facebook page, Music for Refugees (Australia).

RUGBY SKILLS FOR SPECIAL NEEDS KIDS Just when you thought rugby in Australia wasn’t getting any positive press, The Beast is stoked to announce that the NSW Waratahs will be providing skills coaches for a not-for-profit program for kids with special needs. The program, called Trytons, is a rugby program but the activities tend to focus more on team building, coordination, ball skills and fitness, rather than tackling and contact. They currently have around 50 kids with a range of special needs who have been coming back year after year. They are happy for any new members to come down and give one session a go, and to meet the team and the coaches. For more information, please email Michael at trytonsrugby@hotmail.com.

F R E E S K I N

A N A LY S I S *

The original pioneers of community acupuncture in Sydney, have returned to Bondi Junction.

NOW OPEN Professional, Registered Practitioners.

Operated by Ray Ford, Practitioner of Chinese Medicine.

Treatments from

$25

*

179 Carrington Road Coogee NSW 2034 02 8034 2140 selectskin.com.au

* With every skin treatment.

Includes professional Skin Analysis Report using Observ 520 system.

260 Oxford St, Bondi Junction (opposite About Life) Health fund rebates

experienceacupuncture.com.au *Prices based on multi-pass purchase. For more information enquire at time of treatment

Campfire Club Come to Centennial Park this winter school holidays and learn the art of fire craft to stay warm and cozy in the colder months.

Our nature play inspired programs cater to all ages.

Find out more and book at centennialparklands.com.au/whatson June 2018 | The Beast 35

Shop your way to Bali.

GO FORTH AND SHOP LOCAL Words Siriol Dafydd Picture Con Sumption

U

nless you’ve unexpectedly developed a chronic case of agoraphobia whilst also embarking on a fully fledged media detox in recent months, you’ve probably seen the abundance of purple signs and adverts dominating every bus stop and billboard in the Eastern Suburbs. Hell, you’ve probably even spotted them in prime positions in The Beast. But what is Velocity Daily and why is it suddenly all up in our faces?

Velocity Daily is a recent development under the Velocity Frequent Flyer program. It basically allows VFF members to earn Velocity points from day-to-day purchases which they can then redeem on things like flights and hotels. They’ve been trialling the initiative in the East since April, with hopes to potentially take it nationally if it catches on. So the good news is, we can get a jumpstart on the rest of the country by turning our coffee and avo-toast addiction into air miles!

So how does it work? If you aren’t already a Velocity member, you can sign up on their website.

36 The Beast | June 2018

Then you need to register your eligible Visa card to the system.

You can register up to five Visa cards per account. After that, you automatically accrue points as you tap your card in participating stores.

So if you, like me, are the kind of person who has multiple loyalty cards but always forgets to use them, this is ideal. You can earn between 2 and 5 points per $1 spent, depending on the merchant.

This might not seem like much to begin with, but it all adds up.

Your daily $5 coffee, for example, would score you 70 points each week, assuming you’re one of those ridiculous humans who can survive on only one cup per day. Add 60 points for a casual $30 Sunday brunch, and another 200 points for a date with a tightarse who forgot their wallet, and all of a sudden you’re looking at free return flights to the moon. Your painful physio appointment could whack on another 400 points and your dry cleaning could tack on an extra 200. You can even earn points from getting your dog groomed -

now there’s an actual incentive to keep Fido clean. Then there’s the $150 you accidentally spent on beer and munchies in your local on Friday night - adding another 300 points to your collection will at least help a little with the guilts the next morning.

That’s over 1,200 points in one week without even trying. In about five months, you’ll have earned enough points (22,300) to fly one way from Sydney to Bali (plus taxes, of course).

Finally there’s a way to make the cripplingly expensive Eastern Suburbs lifestyle work to our advantage! The take-away avocado toast has crept up to $18.30 at my local cafe, but that’s 36 points towards my next holiday. Add a few more bucks on, you greedy devils!

And that’s without being crafty about it, like taking clients to dinner and expensing it immediately afterwards or chucking the group meal for fifteen people on your card when they say, “No split bills”.

Everyone will transfer you their share anyway and you’ll look generous and accommodating whilst also getting an enormous amount of points - #winning.

There are over 150 local businesses already on board and Velocity is looking to add more. It’s easy to join as a business: you pay a small percentage based on the money spent by Velocity members at your store and gain advertising and brand association in return, plus a bunch of new customers who would happily buy that extra cupcake for no other reason than to add to their points total.

It looks like a win-win really. If nothing else, it gives you an excuse (nay, reason) to eat, drink and socialise more so that you can afford that next big holiday. Go forth and shop local, I say!

Velocity Daily is available at selected stores only. Eligibility criteria, minimum spend, exclusions and terms and conditions apply. For more information, please visit velocityfrequentflyer. com/velocitydaily.

I hope you’ll come and join us to witness a traditional smoking ceremony and Corroboree on Friday 1 June at Coogee Beach as part of National Reconciliation Week celebrations. Starting at 10am with a host of market stalls selling everything from artwork, homewares, locally handmade didgeridoos and boomerangs, there will be something for everyone.

The free event will also include lots of activities for kids to take part in, including ochre face painting and shell art. See a handmade traditional canoe, hear about how it was made and what it’s used for. The lighting of the fires ceremony starts at 11.45am and will be followed by a ceremonial Corroboree where Aboriginal dancers interpret Dreamtime through traditional and contemporary dance, music and costume.

Council is also holding an information session with Our Energy Future to help you stay warm this winter without it costing the earth. Find out how you can improve the comfort of your home, the best ways of heating and how solar works in winter.

Please join us on Thursday June 7 at 6pm at Bowen Library. Reserve your place at ourenergyfuture.org.au/randwick or call 1300 339 915.

Councillor Lindsay Shurey Mayor of Randwick 1June Koojay Corroboree 10:00am-2:00pm Coogee Beach

16 June History Talk: Crown Street - A Talk

By Dr Judith Godden 1:00-2:30pm Lionel Bowen Library, Maroubra

2 June

5 June

Nursery Winter Saturday Sale 9:00am-4:00pm Randwick Community Nursery 2B Barker Street, Kingsford

26 June

Author Talk with Roy Williams 6:30-7:30pm Margaret Martin Library, Randwick

27 June

Tai Chi (Term 2) 9:15-10:00am Lionel Bowen Library, Maroubra

1300 722 542 council@randwick.nsw.gov.au www.randwick.nsw.gov.au PHOTO: MCIVERS BATHS COOGEE - LADIES BATHS

Library Bridge Club 1:30-3:30pm Lionel Bowen Library, Maroubra

Macpherson Street, Bronte, May 2018.

WHEN TO READ THE BEAST Satire Kieran Blake Picture Reece Session

T

he Beast is the premier publication in the Englishspeaking world. Its award-winning contributors lavish upon their readers a monthly gift of fantastic photos, carefully crafted features, thoroughly researched investigative articles, side-splitting humour, soul-inspiring astrology and flippant, irresponsible satire.

But in today’s fast-paced, timepoor world, who has time to read?

Despair no more, for this month the kind souls at your favourite local mag have put together a thorough guide to finding those precious, treasured moments when you can savour this visual and lexical wonder.

1. While lining up for your favourite coffee, from your favourite café.

2. While lining up for your favourite bread at Iggy’s.

38 The Beast | June 2018

3. While praying that your favourite bread at Iggy’s has not sold out.

4. In between furtive, flirtatious glances at that gorgeous specimen just ahead of you in the queue at Iggy’s.

5. While waiting for the NBN. 6. While awaiting the completion of the Waverley Cemetery boardwalk.

7. While waiting for the hordes to drag their inflatable Christmas presents down the slippery steps at Clovelly Beach.

8. While waiting for the hordes to drag their inflatable Christmas presents up the slippery steps at Clovelly Beach.

9. While waiting for sustainability to be fashionable.

10. While waiting for the NBN. 11. While queuing to enter that restaurant, which is surrounded by

half-empty restaurants of equal or better quality.

12. While waiting for house prices to rise, plateau or fall, depending on your position on the housing ladder.

13. While waiting for your dinner party guests to stop talking about house prices.

14. While waiting for the NBN. 15. While waiting to board the Sydney FC bandwagon, scheduled to depart exactly five minutes before the Sky Blue win their next trophy.

16. While waiting for the completion of the multi-million dollar renovation of the Sydney Football Stadium, which will include a direct rail link from Central Station to accommodate the Sydney FC bandwagon.

17. While waiting for Gladys Berejiklian to catch public transport to work (without a camera crew in tow).

18. While waiting for middle-aged men in bright, skin-tight lycra to escort their precious little nippers off the beach.

19. While waiting for pasty British backpackers to baste, bake and burn on the sands of Coogee Beach - now turn over; cook the other side.

20. While pining for the return of summer and long, languid, lazy afternoons by the sea.

21. While stuck in traffic - remember, The Beast is also published online and is the one and only reason for your kids to be glued to their screens.

22. While attempting to book that elusive, mythical doctor’s appointment.

23. While waiting for the NBN. 24. While expunging yourself of every vulgarity in every known language as you attempt to find a parking spot anywhere in the Eastern Suburbs.

25. While pointlessly waiting in line to get into a half-empty Eastern Suburbs pub.

26. While waiting for a decent bank to surf at Bondi Beach.

Oh look, you’ve reached the front of the queue!

MAYOR‘S MESSAGE Bondi Pavilion upgrade and conservation project Council is moving ahead with plans for renovation and upgrade of the Bondi Pavilion. The final recommendations of the Bondi Pavilion Stakeholder Committee are now in and officers are preparing a design brief for the architects.

In the meantime, there is a great deal happening with maintenance and renovations at the Pavilion.

Work has recently finished on a complete re-roofing of the High Tide room. New turf has been laid and work done on the courtyard lawns and there are new plantings in the courtyard planter boxes.

Work has also commenced on repainting all timber windows and doors and soon the upstairs and downstairs toilets will be repainted, the atrium floor re-tiled and the downstairs foyer in the main Pavilion building repainted.

This will make our beloved Pavilion much more inviting while Council prepares plans for the full upgrade and conservation of this iconic building.

Events Home Grown Sunday 13, 20, 27 May, 2–4pm Bondi Pavilion Courtyard Hear some of Sydney’s best new talent and support our local music scene at Home Grown!

A series of youth concerts that celebrate the wealth of singer-songwriter talent in our community, Home Grown showcases three artists each week at one of Sydney’s most iconic locations, Bondi Pavilion.

Free, come along on the day.

Bondi Winter Magic 28 June–29 July Various locations around Bondi Bondi will once again be transformed into Sydney’s winter playground by the sea!

Go for a twirl on the famous beachside ice rink or check out the 360 degree views from 22-metre ferris wheel, Bondi Vista.

For more information, email pavilionconsultation@waverley.nsw.gov.au.

Also included in our sparkling Bondi Winter Magic program is a magical blend of art, culture and history with Bondi and District Chamber of Commerce’s On the Streets series of music and art and a stroll through Bondi’s history with our Bondi History Walks.

John Wakefield, Mayor of Waverley

For more event info visit our website waverley.nsw.gov.au.

The Bondi Pavilion Stakeholder Committee will now turn its attention to the future programming and artistic direction for the Bondi Pavilion which will be coordinated with the development of Council’s new Cultural Plan.

CUSTOMER SERVICE CENTRE 55 Spring Street, Bondi Junction NSW 2022 PO Box 9, Bondi Junction NSW 1355 PHONE 9083 8000 WEB waverley.nsw.gov.au

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EVEN MORE BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Lisa Anderson Picture Jessica Phillips NEW CANCER FACILITY FOR DOGS AND CATS A new purpose-built Radiation Oncology Facility for dogs and cats opened its doors in Sydney recently and is already saving lives. The Small Animal Specialist Hospital is a specialist veterinary hospital for pets in North Ryde and has built the facility boasting Australia’s first dedicated Veterinary Linear Accelerator with stereotactic capability. 50 per cent of dogs over the age of ten develop cancer. Since opening, the facility has treated a number of animals, with some pet owners experiencing extraordinary improvements in their pets’ health within a matter of weeks.Visit www.sashvets.com.

WORLD ENVIRONMENT DAY Each year the United Nations and its Environment Program declares June 5 a day of local, national and international action on the environment. Of course, World Environment Day needs to be every day, but the purpose of this special day is to highlight the importance of taking action to protect, nurture and preserve our environment for all living creatures. Your local councils are working hard, with energy saving programs encouraging local schools to use solar, making it easier for households to reduce energy use, providing subsidies for compost bins and worm

Rose-tinted morning.

farms, and even worms! There are free courses to teach you how you can grow living things on your balconies or in your gardens, how to keep chickens and bees, and to show you how to fix your bike and ride safely on the new bike paths being built each year. Help spread the message and do what you can this June 5, and let’s see how much better the world can be for the following World Environment Day. MEAT-FREE FOR PEPPA PIG After learning that Peppa Pig's Surprise was coming to Sydney Opera House, PETA rushed a letter to the venue’s representative, urging her to honour the little pig by taking animals off the Opera Bar menu during the run, and also for good. PETA, whose motto reads, in part, that “animals are not ours to eat” has documented that Australian farmers clip or grind down many piglets’ teeth and cut their tails off without any painkillers, as well as confining the birthing mothers to extremely small crates so they are unable to build their nests. To find out more about PETA’s work, please visit www.peta.org.au.

MOVING THE ELDERLY NICELY Bondi Junction business Moving On In Life has been named Champion in the services category at the recent Australian Small

Business Champion Gala Dinner and Awards Ceremony. The program aims to recognise outstanding Australian small businesses and encourage high standards of excellence in small business practise. Director Lisa Oshlack started Moving On in Life 13 years ago after discovering a niche in the market while assisting with the downsizing of her grandparents’ home. The company provides a variety of services to assist people in all aspects of moving and relocation into residential aged care.

Visit www.movingon.com.au or call 1300 HELP ME. THE ASHES OF GLOBAL BULL RIDING Running at Qudos Bank Arena over the Queen’s Birthday long weekend from June 9-10, the Global Cup is ‘The Ashes’ of global bull riding, pitting the world’s premier bull riding nations Australia, Brazil, Canada, Mexico and the USA against each other in a battle for the title of ‘Toughest Nation on Dirt’. Sydney is the second host city on the Global Cup calendar, following the series debut in Edmonton, Canada, last November. In each city, the host nation receives a home-turf advantage, fielding a 14-rider team - double the size of the visiting nations’ teams. For tickets, please visit www.premier.ticketek.com.au.

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BOTTOMS UP AT THE PAVILION Thirsty? Coogee Pavilion are offering 49%* off all drinks between 5pm and 7pm every night in June, which is nearly half price! Gather a crew together and get down to the Pavilion to take advantage of this epic deal. *Full details can be found at merivale.com/49.

SUICIDE SUPPORT GROUP If you have been touched by suicide, this non-denominational group provides a safe space where you can talk with others. Facilitated by a psychologist and social worker, it’s on from 6-7.30pm at JewishCare, Woollahra. Email familyandfriends@jewishcare.com.au.

ALL DAY PIZZA PARTY AT BBPB Get down to Bondi’s freshest watering hole, Bondi Beach Public Bar, every Wednesday for $15 pizzas and $6 gin n’ juices all day.

You don’t need to be dressed up all fancy or any of that nonsense, because this place is for everyone.

Please visit www.bbpb.com.au.

POINT BREAK AT THE CLOEY As part of their Winter Movie Sessions initiative, the Clovelly Hotel will be screening Point Break this evening from 6.30pm. There’ll be bean bags and plenty of popcorn, and entry is free, but please bring a plastic bag donation. Please visit www.clovellyhotel.com.au.

SURF, TURF AND SCHOONERS Get into Bondi Beach Public Bar every Monday for a $20 grilled Ranges Valley rump or fish of the day, plus $5 schooners with your meal. There will also be meat raffles for the Bondi Beach Public School at 7.30pm and 8.30pm.

Please visit www.bbpb.com.au.

MALONEYS HOME DELIVERY Too lazy to do your grocery shopping? Maloneys offers a complete home delivery service, so there’s no excuses for living on Domino’s and Deliveroo. Get your order in by 7pm and it’ll be delivered fresh to your door the next day. Please visit www.maloneysgrocer.com.au.

WORLD ENVIRONMENT DAY Pop into the Randwick Community Centre this evening from 6.30pm to take part in World Environment Day Trivia, hosted

by Costa Georgiardis. Meet fellow environmentalists, share food and test your knowledge. To book a table, call Natalya on 9093 6222.

RIDING GIANTS AT THE CLOEY As part of their Winter Movie Sessions initiative, the Clovelly Hotel will be screening Riding Giants this evening from 6.30pm. There’ll be bean bags and plenty of popcorn, and entry is free, but please bring a plastic bag donation. Please visit www.clovellyhotel.com.au.

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CURRY OR PIE? Get down to the Robin Hood Hotel on Wednesday nights from 5pm for $20 specials on the bistro’s delicious curries and pies. The deal includes a complimentary house beer, wine or soft drink.

For more information, please visit www.robinhoodhotel.com.au.

SOUL SURFER AT THE CLOEY As part of their Winter Movie Sessions initiative, the Clovelly Hotel will be screening Soul Surfer this evening from 6.30pm. There’ll be bean bags and plenty of popcorn, and entry is free, but please bring a plastic bag donation. Please visit www.clovellyhotel.com.au.

CHAI TEA, I MEAN TAI CHI Join Tai Chi instructor Larry Friedberg for a weekly, relaxing Tai Chi class at Maroubra’s Lionel Bowen Library from 9.15am to 10am. Tai Chi aids in good posture, coordination, meditation and relaxation. For more information, visit www.randwick.nsw.gov.au.

BUILD A BRIDGE The Library Bridge Club meets at Maroubra’s Lionel Bowen Library weekly on Wednesdays (except school holidays or public holidays) from 1.30pm to 3.30pm and is best suited to those who already have a basic knowledge of Bridge. Please visit www.randwick.nsw.gov.au.

FULL MOON SPAGHETTI AND WINE Today from 6pm the Icebergs Bar will be featuring food and wine producers from the Italian region of Toscana (Tuscany). Enjoy a mesmerising view of the full moon rising over Bondi with host James Hird and sounds from our resident DJs. Visit www.idrb.com to book.

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ROBIN HOOD TRIVIA Lurk down to the Robin Hood Hotel on Monday nights from 7pm for the most awesome trivia night the Eastern Suburbs has to offer. There are plenty of prizes, and the Hood does a bloody good feed! For more information, please visit www.robinhoodhotel.com.au.

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Removalist Zak Clark Clark Removals Ph: 0409 808 866 Gardening Leigh Perrie Hedges n' Edges Ph: 0424 700 139

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KOOJAY CORROBOREE Come along to the Koojay Corroboree today at Coogee Beach from 10am-2pm and see the sands of Coogee Beach come to life as traditional and contemporary Aboriginal dancers perform a ceremonial Corroboree. Please visit www.randwick.nsw.gov.au.

RANDWICK NURSERY SALE Wander in to the Randwick Community Nursery at 2B Barker Street, Kingsford, today from 9am4pm to snag a mad bargain on a range of native and indigenous plants, as well as plenty of exotic species. For more information, visit www.randwick.nsw.gov.au.

ROOSTERS vs WESTS TIGERS Get down to Allianz Stadium today to witness the mighty Roosters as they do battle with Wests Tigers. The game starts at 4.10pm and we recommend getting there early to beat the crowds.

For more information, please visit www.sydneycricketground.com.au.

HELP THE HOMELESS Dave Martin from Courtyard Cafe in Coogee is hoping to source enough decent quality blankets doonas, sleeping bags, coats and jackets to help people doing it tough this winter. Items can be dropped down to Courtyard any time before June 15.

THE ASHES OF BULL RIDING Running at Qudos Bank Arena this weekend, the Global Cup pits the world’s best bull riding nations - Australia, Brazil, Canada, Mexico and the USA - against each other in a battle for the title of ‘Toughest Nation on Dirt’. Visit www.premier.ticketek.com.au.

BONDI SUNDAY MARKETS Today, and every Sunday between 10am and 4pm, you’ll find clothing from up-and-coming designers, handmade jewellery, exotic imports, retro-chic furniture, vinyl records, homewares, one-off vintage pieces and more. Please visit www.bondimarkets.com.au.

SWANS vs WEST COAST Get down to the Sydney Cricket Ground this evening from 7.50pm to watch the mighty Sydney Swans take on the West Coast Eagles.

There’s simply no better sport to watch live, so jump online and grab the hottest tickets in town at www.sydneycricketground.com.au.

RANDWICK HISTORY TALK Join Dr Judith Godden at Maroubra’s Lionel Bowen Library from 1pm to 2.30pm as she delves into the history of Crown Street Women’s Hospital as part of Randwick Historical Society’s history talks. For more information, visit www.randwick.nsw.gov.au.

SUNDAY ROAST AT THE CHARRO Craving a hearty winter meal? Pop in to the Charing Cross Hotel and wrap your cold, hungry face around their famous beef, pork or lamb roast each Sunday at lunch and dinner, and take the edge off with a Bloody Mary while you’re at it. Visit www.charingcrosshotel.com.au.

FREE PINOT WINE TASTING Drop in to Bellevue Hill Bottle Shop today from 2pm for Pinot Heaven, a free wine tasting with around 100 pinots on show! You can follow their Facebook event page for updates. Then you can kick on to Allianz Stadium to see the Wallabies play Ireland at 8pm.

JOIN WAVERLEY BUSHCARE Join like-minded locals and help make a difference to one of Waverley’s special green spaces. You’ll learn about native plants and wildlife and enjoy the benefits of time spent in nature. No experience is necessary. For more information, visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au.

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FOOD ADDICTS MEETINGS Tonight, Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) is hosting one of its twice weekly meetings, which are held every Wednesday at 7pm and Friday at 10am at Salvation Army Hall, 100 Boyce Road, Maroubra. For more information, please visit www.foodaddicts.org.

GET SOME RHYTHM IN YOUR LIFE Learn African songs and rhythms with a professional percussion teacher in this one-hour family fun class every Saturday at Ukubebe, 207 Avoca Street, Randwick, from 10am or 11am. For more information, or to book online, please visit www.ukubebe.com.au.

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Plumbing Steve Kova Blocked Drain Co. Ph: 0414 885 675 Fencing Troy Salvatico Jim’s Fencing Ph: 0405 543 530 Builder Mark Potocki Against The Grain Ph: 0415 688 562 Rubbish Removal Dave Whiteley Dave's Rubbish Ph: 0401 296 069 Mechanic Jordan Hayman JH Automotive Ph: 0424 144 987 Painter Brett Dooley Nielson Dooley Ph: 0404 888 089 BBQ Caterer Wardy Wardy & Sons Ph: 0414 293 396 Concrete Head Jay Rodney Oceanside Ph: 0411 989 565 Plumber Luke Fletcher Pipe Up Plumbing Ph: 0431 638 558 Locksmith Bradley Rope SOS Locksmiths Ph: 0498 767 767 Electrician Adrian Langen Langen Electrical Ph: 0400 006 008 Arborist Jeff Hunt Prompt Trees Ph: 0412 280 338

by visiting www.thebeast.com.au/events-guide

The good old days.

Solving the Population Puzzle

DICK SMITH Interview James Hutton Cover Jeremy Greive

D

ick Smith has squeezed a lot into his life. He was the first person to fly a helicopter solo around the world, and the first to fly to the North Pole, among a long list of aeronautical achievements. Dick founded Australian Geographic Magazine in 1986 and was named Australian of the Year that same year. He also founded Dick Smith Electronics, which he sold to Woolworths in 1982. Dick was appointed an Officer of the Order of Australia and was named an Australian Living Treasure.

In more recent times, Dick has turned his attention to what many see as the biggest threat to our future - the ever increasing number of people on the planet...

G'day Dick, you were born in Roseville and spent your childhood there; what were your fondest memories growing up on the North Shore? In those days, Roseville was surrounded by bushland at Middle Harbour and I would come home from Roseville Public School - get home about 3.20pm - and the only instruction was, “Change out of your school clothes and be home by dark.” I would then disappear into the bush, walk down to Middle Harbour, and just be on my own until five or six o’clock when it was dark and I’d get home. I loved the freedom of being able to disappear into the bush.

That bushland's no longer there, at Middle Harbour? A lot of the bushland is still there, it’s called Davidson Park, but definitely not in other places. Chatswood now has high-rise, we are heading in

the direction of making Sydney like Shanghai. The reason so many people come from Shanghai to live in Sydney is that they believe Shanghai has too many people, and I’d agree with them. We don’t want to turn Sydney into Shanghai. I’d rather try to keep as many houses as possible with backyards, so the kids can play cricket and build their cubby houses.

If we keep that up, we will have 100 million people in Australia at the end of the century when my grandchildren are still likely to be alive.

Do you think life in Sydney was better back when you were a kid than what it is now? Yes. For middle class and working people, it was definitely better back then because families could afford a house with a backyard. My dad was a salesman, my mum was a housewife. They bought this house in Roseville and could pay it off.

We were free range kids, whereas children today, quite often, end up living like battery hens in high-rise and I think that’s a real pity. I believe that one of the great advantages of Australia is that we have a lot of space, but if we’re not careful we’ll end up turning Australia into some of the most densely populated cities in the world. I don’t think that’s good for quality of life.

I'm 40 years old and my brother and I have had a reasonably successful business for the last 13 years. He just had to move down the coast because he couldn't afford to live in Sydney with his young family, and I rent a shoebox with no chance of ever buying my own house in Sydney. What is the population of Australia now? What, in your view, is the ideal population size for our country? The population of Australia today is about 25 million. What’s serious is the present growth rate of 1.6 per cent per year. If we keep that up, we will have 100 million people in Australia at the end of the century when my grandchildren are still likely to be alive. That’s quite serious because, even though I’m sure we can hold 100 million people we’re very astute human beings in the way that we can accommodate and modify our lifestyles - I think it will end up like America, which has clearly gone past the sweet point. We’ll probably have 30 or 40 million people who are really poor, who will probably never have a job, and that means you get social instability. As someone once said, that’s when the pitchforks come out, meaning that it’s going to be like the French Revolution. There’s definitely a sweet point, and I think we’re probably past it - probably around 16 million was the sweet point. I’m very pro-immigration, but at sensible numbers. If we bring our immigration down to about 70,000 per year - the longterm average - down from 200,000 per year, we’ll stabilise our population at 30 million, and I believe that would be a good idea.

June 2018 | The Beast 45

I go to a friend's place for a barbecue every Tuesday night. It's called Tuesday Night Barbecue, but sometimes it's on a Monday.

Well, it can be on any day of the week, but it's always called Tuesday Night Barbecue. Anyway, we have some pretty heated political discussions and every time I put forward reasoned argument to support cutting net migration into Australia - even when I make it quite clear that I don't want to cut the refuge intake, in fact I think we should increase it because we have an obligation due to our involvement in all the stupid wars that cause these problems in the first place - I get called a racist.

The discussion gets shut down and it is so frustrating. How do you deal with these people? The way you deal with that, with the believers in endless growth - and I often say to my friends, like John Singleton and Gerry Harvey who want lots of growth - I say, “When we end up with a trillion people in Sydney, will that be too many?” They have to laugh, and then say, “Well, I agree with you, Dick - one day we’ve gotta stop growing.” And I’ve said, “Well, do you want to leave that to a future generation?” And, basically, that’s the answer. Everyone agrees that you can’t grow forever. It’s only cancer cells that grow forever and they normally kill their host. You have to stop growing one day. My suggestion is we start planning for that now. The only way we can stop growing in population is to bring the immigration back to a more sensible level, which is the long-term average. In other words, it’s still pro-immigration, because 70,000 per year is very high per capita by world standards.

It’s nothing to do with racism at all. My belief is we continue to bring in people from all around the world like we’ve always done.

I agree. I believe we could increase our humanitarian intake, we can do that to be a bit generous there.

We don’t have a problem with our birth rate - Aussie families are having about the replacement number of kids. Even if we put 46 The Beast | June 2018

our immigration up to 300,000 or 400,000 per year, we can never do anything about the world population problem, because they’re estimating that it’s going to increase from 7 billion to 11 billion people by 2100 and that’s a catastrophe for the whole world.

Australia should be concentrating on overseas aid, on educating women, because once you educate women the birth rate comes down.

And the United Nations should be concentrating on trying to reduce the extraordinary population growth, because it’s complete madness and it will completely destroy the world as we know it today if we allow it to go on.

The startling thing it brings out is that the one per cent of the wealthiest people in Australia have the same wealth as the bottom 70 per cent.

How are our immigration numbers actually composed? I assume it's a small refugee intake and a lot of skilled migrants? Yes, the 200,000 per year is made up of about 15,000 refugees, and then the rest of them, they call them skilled visas and family reunions. The most important thing is that if we go back to the long-term averages of 70,000 per year, we can still have an adequate number of family reunions. Yes, it will be tougher on business - they’ll actually have to train Australians into these jobs.

Some Aussies are pretty lazy so you have to enthuse these people to give them a job. You have to be tougher on giving social services, and say, “No, if you can get a job - if you have to travel to a country town - you go and do it, otherwise we’re not going to pay you social services.” So, we can do that.

The biggest problem is that our present economic system that we’ve had for the last 150 years, that we’ve done so well out of, is a

type of Ponzi scheme. It requires perpetual growth and perpetual feeding, as any Ponzi scheme does, otherwise they collapse.

That’s impossible; you cannot have perpetual growth in a finite world. The reason the government is supporting such high levels of immigration is it gives you this growth figure, and that looks as if the economy is doing better. In fact, per head - for working people - they’re actually going backwards.

But, of course, the really wealthy - the billionaires have increased their wealth by 200 per cent in the last five years - are doing okay.

So, someone like Gerry will be selling a lot more TVs and fridges, but the average person's cost of living goes through the roof and there's downward pressure on their wages, so it results in a widening gap between rich and poor... Yes, yes, yes. The big thing with the record immigration that we have is it means it’s really directed at benefiting the wealthy, because it keeps the wages down, because you have more and more people apply for the jobs that are available. Then, it also makes the wealthy even wealthier because they have more customers. It’s very pro the wealthy and it’s the wealthy who donate money to political parties. I have a thing called the Dick Smith Fair Go Group. I suggest you Google “Dick Smith Fair Go” and click on the manifesto and have a look at my manifesto because it explains how we could change Australia to make it better.

It means increasing the taxes on some of us wealthy people. The startling thing it brings out is that the one per cent of the wealthiest people in Australia have the same wealth as the bottom 70 per cent. When you start getting such disparity in wealth, you could end up with revolution, where the poor people revolt. I was in Russia a few years ago, where I went to the building where all the czars children were killed, and they were killed because the czar and the ruling class were getting wealthier and wealthier and the working

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people were getting poorer and poorer, and so in the end you get revolution. I wonder if we’ve ever learned that you actually have to spread the wealth otherwise people will get incredibly angry?

We’re not going to solve the problem until we have some enormous crash. I believe we’re heading towards a collapse far greater than the Great Depression, and then we’ll all get together and fix it.

If richer people are continually getting more and more wealthy, and they can buy more influence and lobby to keep policies like these in their favour, at the expense of the average resident, voter or whatever, wouldn't the solution be to just totally outlaw any kind of political donation whatsoever, so that they can no longer buy that influence? Well, my Dick Smith Fair Go policy is that the political donations would be funded from tax revenue. It’s tiny, it’s about five dollars per head in Australia per year. And there would be no donations at all, but you need money to run an election, and for a party to be able to inform the constituents what their policies are - that would be completely funded from between five to ten dollars per head on each Australian, and there would be no political donations at all. Now, that’s going to be a hard one to fix because the people who give the political donations are politically powerful and the parties at the present time want this enormous amount of money. But look, one thing you’re touching on is that the two major political parties don’t have a population policy, and if they don’t at the next election you’ll get a Pauline Hanson and people like that getting more 48 The Beast | June 2018

and more votes. I’m hoping that before the next election one of our major federal parties will have a population policy. It happened in New Zealand and Labor were the outsiders, but they said they were going to reduce immigration to more sensible levels and they are now in power. The same thing will happen here. Eight out of ten Australians want a population policy, they want it to be discussed. Most importantly, every Australian family has a population policy they can have 20 children in their lifetime, but none do. They all decide on the number of children they can give a good life to. Now, we have to get our government to have an equivalent policy. That is, the number of Australians that we can give a good life to, and that’s not going to be 100 million, which is what we’re heading towards.

A common argument against lowering the number of immigrants coming into Australia is that we've got an aging population and we need more workers coming in just to support these people in their retirement; can you quickly address that? The most common argument of why we need higher immigration levels is because we have an aging population, but that just makes the situation worse and puts it off because those immigrants you’ve got in now will get older of course, but there’s more of them so it doesn’t solve anything - it’s a type of Ponzi scheme and it’s completely unstable, so you will never solve, other than for the short term, the aging problem by bringing in more immigrants now. In fact, it’s a very selfish way of putting off the problem so our children and grandchildren will have to solve it. We actually need to pay more superannuation now.

I think we pay on average a bit under 10 per cent superannuation.

Paul Keating was correct, he was planning that we go to 15 per cent superannuation, and if we do, that means you’ve put enough aside for your old age, so it means you don’t have to have this Ponzi-like growth to pay for our old age.

It's kicking the can down the road in effect, really, isn't it? It is absolutely. We’re kicking the can down the road and just putting off the delay or the problem, and that’s not fair for younger people, for our children and grandchildren.

In fact, my whole campaign to have a population policy is purely because of my concern for my grandchildren. It won’t affect me at all. I’m fortunate, I’ve benefited from growth and it would be easier for me to say absolutely nothing but I’m very concerned about my grandchildren, I want them to have a life as good as the life I’ve had.

One of the conclusions that could be drawn from all of this is that at some stage a generation needs to basically step up and take a bit of a hit, just to solve the problem long-term. We're enjoying the highest living standards that any generation has ever had, so shouldn't we be the ones to do it?

No, it’s not going to happen. We’re not going to solve the problem until we have some enormous crash.

I believe we’re heading towards a collapse far greater than the Great Depression, and then we’ll all get together and fix it. We’re incredible human beings, so in the long-term my view is positive, but I believe there will be some major form of economic crash that forces us to live in balance. Already, if you look at countries like Japan, they’re going from 120 million population now to 90 million in 2050. Now, why is that happening? Because Japanese women are sensible, they’re not having that many children. The government is giving 20 thousand dollar baby bonuses, but it’s not working.

Germany has a slightly zero population growth rate. Of course, the economists say this is a disaster, but it really isn’t. It’s a gradual way of living in balance. It’s the best thing I’ve ever heard. I go up to Japan and the country, with regards to lifestyle, is doing really well because instead of having to build millions of new houses and put everyone jammed like termites into high-rise, they now just spend

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June 2018 | The Beast 49

their money on making everything better. They have this enormous amount of money to keep plenty of people employed by making things better. The train that used to do 200 kilometers an hour now does 300 kilometers an hour, the hospitals are getting better, they’re just pouring the money back into improving. As an example, a young couple, instead of you going out and buying a new house that’s bigger, let’s say you just spent your money on making your existing house better. That’s the way you keep the economy going.

economy would collapse if you don’t have perpetual growth. Most sensible people know that it’s not stable. A few weeks ago I was talking to a person in the Canberra bureaucracy and he said, “Dick, all the people in the treasury know what you’re saying - they know it’s a Ponzi scheme - but they don’t have an answer.” So, in the meantime, they’re just going to keep feeding it with growth and hoping it doesn’t collapse on their watch.

They’re just hoping the collapse can be put off.

Another argument that I hear at Tuesday Night Barbecue is, "What about the jobs?" Australia's economy is addicted to housing, so if we're not growing and we're not building, what do people do for work? That’s a very valid argument, an extremely valid argument, but it can’t be solved by perpetual growth because you end up with a limit of the resources when you end up with billions of people. We have to re-tune our system of Capitalism.

At the present time, and for the last 150 years, it’s required perpetual growth in the use of resources, energy, and in the population. We have to change that to a different form of growth - growth in efficiencies, a growth in removing waste - but there is going to be a time when, in effect, you can’t get an eternal increase in standard of living. You just have to say, “Gee, we’re doing pretty well now.” Then, what you do is you reduce working hours. Instead of making more and more stuff to try and keep people in work, you actually reduce working hours. They need to go down to about 30 hours a week, but still on the same pay we get now, because of our robotics and automation.

In fact, if we don’t reduce working hours, we’re going to have enormous unemployment problems.

Fifty years ago I went to Hong Kong and I felt so sorry for the school kids who were jammed on the fifth floor of a tenement getting their school lessons. Fifty years later, we’re now doing that in Sydney, and it’s ridiculous.

Are we the only country on the planet that doesn't have a population policy? No, most Western developed countries don’t have population policies, it’s one of just perpetual growth, because the 50 The Beast | June 2018

What is the actual process that determines the migration level?

Say Malcolm and Scott are sitting in the control room or whatever, tweaking all the levers; how do they decide what our net migration is going to be? First of all, we’re in total control. Our population increase is completely in our control because it’s linked to the staggering number of immigrants we have. It’s gone from the longterm average of 70,000 to 200,000 - that’s completely controllable.

The Federal Government can say how many immigrants we’re going to have. At the present time, they want this huge figure because it makes it look as if they’re better economic managers than they are. It gives you the impression that we have growth, but in fact, growth per capita, we don’t have.

Most working people are going backwards. Yes, the wealthy are doing okay - they’re increasing their wealth - but working people in the last five years have dropped

by about 3 per cent in their real wages. There’s no light on the horizon because when you end up with too many people to apply for each job, and every two years we have the population of Canberra coming in, it keeps wages down, and that’s why the wealthy fund the political parties and are so keen on keeping the present economic system. It’s so they can keep wages down, and they say that’s a great way of selling products at the lowest cost and that’s how Capitalism works. I tend to agree with that except as you start to get to the limits of growth it becomes very cruel to people, especially to the people at the bottom of the working group and they are the ones who end up out of jobs or getting paid so little they can’t really afford to even buy or rent decent accommodation.

What countries have got it right?

Well, the countries that have got it right - Italy, Germany, Japan - all have basically zero population growth, they’re stable. One of the advantages for Australia is that we could go to zero population growth because there’s still plenty of growth left in the rest of world. We’re going to be providing minerals, especially to China, India and Africa, and they have a right to grow because they need to get the standard of living of their people up. We can, at least in the short-term, depend on that growth. That’s what Japan does; it doesn’t have a growing population but it’s benefiting from the growth in other parts of the world. Of course, in the long-term, one day we have to live in balance - everything in nature lives in balance - and the famous economists of 200 years ago all predicted that one day you would get to an equilibrium where you didn’t want more growth in the use of resources and energy because it was impossible.

One point that my old man often makes is that the population size of any species of living thing is determined primarily by the availability of food and water, so the fact that we have a desalina-

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tion plant at Kurnell to turn ocean water into drinking water is a good indication that Sydney is full, right? Well, it’s interesting you say that. Many people would say, “No, that’s an example of how we could go to a billion people in Australia,” because we have enormous reserves of uranium and we could put nuclear power in to desalinate water, so you could have some enormous population that’d all be living like termites jammed into 100-story high-rise. We are ingenious creatures, that’s why I never say there’s really a limit to population in the short-term - in the short-term you could expand enormously - but the quality of life would go down. Already our school kids are being forced into what they call vertical schools schools in high rise tenements - and I hate it. Fifty years ago I went to Hong Kong and I felt so sorry for the school kids who were jammed on the fifth floor of a tenement getting their school lessons.

Fifty years later, we’re now doing that in Sydney, and it’s ridiculous.

The school kids want to have lots of beautiful grass, fields and bush around them. That’s what they should be doing.

On April Fool's Day in 1978 you attempted to tow an iceberg from Antarctica into Sydney Harbour as a new source of fresh water.

Although this was obviously a joke, do you think it would have actually been a better idea than the desalination plant? Yeah, I didn’t actually attempt it. I’d stated to everyone that I was planning to bring an iceberg up to Sydney, which I genuinely did do. I genuinely planned to do it and I was going to cut the ice up into icecubes and call them Dick-sicles and sell them for ten cents each for people’s drinks. That was going to raise me a million dollars and it would cost about a hundred grand to tow the iceberg here. In fact, I didn’t do that, but one day just before April Fool’s Day I towed a fake iceberg into Sydney Harbour, just as a bit of fun. But look, one day you could tow ice to the more 52 The Beast | June 2018

arid areas but it would be very expensive to do. The other thing is the ice is melting, and I’m a person who believes that there’s no doubt that we’ve got temperature rise.

I don’t think we know at the moment who’s going to get advantages and disadvantages. People from the left tend to make out that as the climate changes everyone is going to be worse off. In fact, as with most things, you’ll probably find there are some people who benefit and some people who are worse off - that’s just how it happens. I don’t think we know who benefits and who’s worse off at the moment. I think weather is so complex that we haven’t been able to work that out.

You mentioned that Pauline Hanson's is the only party that actually has a population policy; what is her population policy? Is it driven by common sense or is it driven by xenophobia? No, no, Pauline Hanson’s plan is - from what I’ve seen, I don’t know it in detail - to bring the immigration back to 70,000. It’s completely balanced on common sense. It’s not racist.

All I’m saying is that the major parties have to be very careful. If they just keep making out that all the people that vote for Pauline Hanson are doing so because they are racist, well, the major parties are wrong. People who are voting for Pauline Hanson - the vast majority at least - are concerned that we have to live in balance and they’re just sensible Australians. A racist person is an evil person and luckily we don’t have many of them in Australia, and that’s where we’re very fortunate.

What's her policy on the refugee intake - the humanitarian intake?

I don’t know. I don’t know the details on it. Her controversial policy is about Muslim immigration, but it clearly says words to the effect of, unless we can show them to be safe she wanted Muslim immigration stopped, and I can’t see the problem with that because we want to be safe. That’s what we’re doing now, anyone who comes to

this country - it doesn’t matter what culture or religion they come from - is carefully screened. That’s sensible because you don’t want terrorists coming into this country; the screening of people who come here has always been there, and I support it.

At the moment, if you have a war, or if you have a flood and spend more money on repairing the flood damage, that shows that we’re doing better, when in actual fact we’re not. We need a better measure of our success.

The worry is that someone with as little credibility as Pauline supporting this population policy is actually bad for it. The two people who have come out and supported it most notably have been Tony Abbott and Pauline Hanson, and I think that turns a lot of people off the idea... Not most people. The most recent surveys show that 53 per cent want our immigration numbers brought back, but what’s the more important survey is that eight out of ten Australians want a population policy. Eight out of ten Australians all say we need our Federal Government to come up with a policy on population.

That’s eight out of ten, and if these major parties keep ignoring that...

They’re ignoring it because they’re very nervous that if you stop the growth, they’re scared the economic system will collapse. And there’s the potential for that, that’s why we need to get the best brains together to show how we can move to a different form of growth - a growth in improving efficiencies, a growth in removing waste - so we can be better off, but not just by having an endless increase of more people, heading towards a trillion people, which is ridiculous.

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And possibly a slight decrease in our living standards, for the greater good of every future generation of Australians? Well, yeah, a change in our way we measure our living standards - going from gross domestic product, GDP, which is a wartime measure, moving to the general progress indicator, GPI, which looks more at satisfaction and happiness. There’s no doubt, yes, we need to change the way that we measure our success. At the moment, if you have a war, or if you have a flood and spend more money on repairing the flood damage, that shows that we’re doing better, when in actual fact we’re not. We need a better measure of our success.

rest of nature. There’s nothing in nature that has perpetual growth, other than perhaps cancer cells, and they often kill their host.

You took out full page advertisements in the Sydney Morning Herald and The Age recently to raise awareness of what we've been discussing; how was the response? Yeah, well, incredible.

I’ve probably spent about one and a half million dollars on this campaign, starting off with my Grim Reaper-style television campaign, which was about world population.

It’s been extraordinarily successful because now just about every day it’s in the media. I believe one of the major parties is going to crack.

Before the next election, I believe you will find one of the major parties will have a population plan, and that’s all I’m looking for, it’s a democracy. Whereas a year ago there was simply no discussion, especially on the ABC. It’s interesting, you’d think the left the left believers and the left media - would have population plan. No, they don’t. The Greens Party has no population plan because they automatically link it to xenophobia and to racism, and that has to be changed. You have to openly discuss all of these issues, and population is the most important one. I’ve gotta finish up now but I can tell you one very important thing, and that is that just about every problem we have in the world today is harder to fix with more people. That’s why you need to start living in balance like the

I'm going to ask you two more quick questions. The Beast is an Eastern Suburbs magazine, do you spend much time in the Eastern Suburbs? Do you have any favourite haunts around this neck of the woods? No, but I love the Eastern Suburbs. My rover scout master who loaned me the money to start my business and was best man at my wedding, Tony Balthasar - he lived in Buckhurst, which is at Point Piper - I used to go and see him all the time. He was on the fourth floor of the building and we used to abseil on ropes outside the building at night and jump from floor to floor as scouts going down the building. One day I missed and I swung in through a bedroom window of some poor lady, and as I swung in she gave scream - she was laying in bed - and then I swung out again and quickly got to the bottom into the garden of Buckhurst in Point Piper, and I quickly pulled the rope down and we ran up and turned all the lights off in Tony Balthasar’s unit. He was a top anaesthetist. Within about ten minutes the police arrived and I could hear the woman saying that this person swung through their bedroom window on a rope, and they just simply didn’t believe her!

Then, at different times when I had a boat I always moored at Watson’s Bay and places like that. I mean, Sydney Harbour’s beautiful and

54 The Beast | June 2018

It’s interesting how there it’s the wealthy people in the Eastern Suburbs who have prevented a lot of the buildings being knocked down to go to highrise, but they are then investing in high-rise in the poorer suburbs.

the Eastern Suburbs are beautiful.

It’s interesting how there it’s the wealthy people in the Eastern Suburbs who have prevented a lot of the buildings being knocked down to go to high-rise, but they are then investing in high-rise in the poorer suburbs. It’s better if we can try and keep people with the backyard and a place for the kids to play cricket in their own little private place where they can have a barbecue. It’s better if we can keep that in the whole of Sydney, not just in the Eastern Suburbs.

Well that's just NIMBYism isn't it, and it's rife around here. No one wants a train to Bondi Beach...

What was the last question?

Because I’ve got to go.

The last question, the same question I ask everyone: In an ideal world, what does the future hold for Dick Smith? I’m very interested in finalising my aviation reforms because we could become the world leader in flight training. At the moment most of our pilots are going to have to come from Asia because we don’t have enough pilots being trained. The general aviation industry is normally being destroyed by a reckless bureaucracy that has just increased costs and red tape, so most of these smaller businesses go broke.

Is that to protect the incumbents?

No, it’s not to do that at all. It’s just that there’s a bureaucracy that has become dysfunctional.

They don’t admit that cost has to be looked at, which is just fact of life. Then, I’d like to see us have a population plan so we stabilise our population increase and then work on improving the wealth of typical working Australians, instead of just having more and more people, I think that’s impossible.

Thanks so much Dick... Thank you.

I only asked about three of the sixty-odd questions I'd planned to ask but maybe we can do a followup down the track... Rightio, thank you very much, bye bye.

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“I said ‘Puck you’ Sir, with a ‘P’.”

HEY, WHERE'D YOU GO TO SCHOOL? Words Dr Marjorie O’Neill Picture Ja'mie King

B

eyond our own immediate families, the first social grouping that shapes our view of the world and how we see ourselves is likely to be within our schools.

Many of us grow into adulthood, and even into late age, lucky enough to have friends we met in our youth when we were less guarded, less sure of anything and, I am told by my mother, “definitely more gorgeous”. My dad goes to lunch once a month with three old mates from his school days. I’ve known my best friends since we were in primary school. I recently attended a school reunion where the oldest ‘ex-girl’ was well over 100 years of age. Our school days not only shape who we are, but set the pattern of social relationships we carry throughout our lives.

Schools are important, and this is very obvious in our Eastern Suburbs where the traffic they generate brings our roads to a grounding halt, particularly during peak hour.

You probably would have noticed that our schools are inevitably located on major roads, so not only 56 The Beast | June 2018

is gridlocked traffic guaranteed at particular times, but school kids also suffer endless traffic noise and have their fresh air replaced by exhaust fumes, not to mention the challenges they face when trying to safely cross the road. Love them or hate them, schools shape who we are, as well as our driving patterns!

If schools are so important, why then does current government policy treat them so poorly?

The lack of strategic planning and investment in our schools is evidenced on several fronts. First, teachers are not paid enough. I won’t say they are poorly paid, but the fact of the matter is that teachers do not earn enough to live in many inner Sydney suburbs, and nowhere is this more apparent than in the Eastern Suburbs. There has been a decline of 15 per cent in critical workers (teachers, firefighters and nurses) living in the Eastern Suburbs since 2006. What sort of government policy leaves us with a dwindling supply of critical workers in our neighbourhoods, including teachers?

Second, planning and funding of schools is a mess in NSW, as well as nationally. Our public schools, in particular high schools, are filled beyond capacity. A parliamentary inquiry has revealed that one third of NSW schools are full and 180 schools are stretched beyond capacity. In fact, an astonishing 800-plus public schools across NSW are operating at 100 per cent capacity or more.

CLOSEast (Community for Local Options for Secondary Education) has been campaigning for a new high school in the Eastern Suburbs. This community-based group is doing a great job but the fact that their efforts are necessary tells us a lot about current State Government policy priorities. And don’t get me started on stadiums, or the mazes of motorway tunnels being built while overheated schools overflow with kids.

Third, local Catholic Schools, most intended as low fee institutions, have had their funding cut by the Federal Government, resulting in higher fees over

two years of about 40 per cent.

It’s no surprise you get shocking outcomes when you have shocking government policy. As a consequence of this poor planning and bad policy, we have seen a massive 23 per cent reduction in enrolments into our local Catholic schools and increased enrolments in our public schools, placing increased pressure on an already overstretched and mismanaged education system.

Two of the great equalizers of any society are education and health care, yet these are just a few examples of how State and Federal Government policies are making it harder for working Australians to access quality, affordable education for their kids. All of us will remember the teacher we loved and the one who was mean, yet so often today schools are viewed as factories producing widgets, measured regularly to assess progress. NAPLAN results are seen to indicate which schools are doing well and those that are not.

Through the current lens, the main role of schools is to develop numeracy and literacy skills, which will presumably enable our children to lead fuller lives with options for secure employment.

But schools should be about so much more than this, and hence a thorough rethink of education and schools policy is needed. The loss of quality and affordable education has costly implications for the individual and society as a whole that are not easily reversed. It seems to be self-evident that expenditure on schools is an investment in people and that it just makes sense to try to build the best people we can, rather than trying to later repair the damage done by under-resourced over-crowded schools. We can always get around to building that new monument sometime in the future but sadly we do not get a second childhood.

Dr Marjorie O’Neill is a Waverley Councillor. The views expressed here are her own, although we generally agree with them.

HOW DID YOUR SCHOOL INFLUENCE THE PERSON YOU ARE TODAY? Words and Pictures Stiffy McPherson

Eddy BRONTE I went to Waverley College, which is a private school - a little bit fancy but not too over the top. I don’t think my schooling had a great deal of influence on me academically. I stayed on until year 12 but I didn’t do my HSC because I wanted to start my apprenticeship. I enjoyed school, but I don’t think it had that much influence on me, although that’s where I met all the lunatics that I now call friends it’s ruined me, but I love it.

Lisa BONDI I went to a private school in the Blue Mountains. My parents split when I was young and my mum worked hard and scraped every cent together to send me to the best school possible. Being around like-minded people that place such a high value on education has been a good influence in my life. My school instilled good work ethic in me and gave me an appreciation of how hard my mum worked to give me the best start in life.

Haci COOGEE I grew up in Turkey and went to a government school. There were private schools but only for the super rich. My school taught me respect - the teacher was a very important person and you had to respect them. The Turkish schools were free and the standard of education was good. If you were a good student they’d really push you, but if you go shit at school in Turkey you won’t be at school any more, it’ll be time to get a job!

June 2018 | The Beast 57

I couldn’t agree more.

THE UNRELIABLE GUIDE TO...

TRIPADVISOR (AND ALL OTHER ONLINE REVIEW SITES) Words Nat Shepherd Picture Sal Isbury

T

he Unreliable Guide has mixed feelings about review sites.

We all tend to believe word-ofmouth recommendations and this is a weakness. These sites give the impression that they are providing unbiased, truthful reviews written by people just like you. But can we really believe that? Is ‘Terri from Malabar’ a real person, or is she an avatar of the very cafe she says is “The BEST!!!!” It’s hard to say. And if she is real, why is she taking valuable time out of her day to review her breakfast burrito with soy cap? Why, Terri, why? We might be better off ignoring review sites altogether, but if you won’t go anywhere with less than a five-star rating, The Unreliable Guide is here to guide you through the reviews: RESTAURANT REVIEWS These are of limited use. The ‘number one’ cafe in a town might be crap, they just give out free coffees for good reviews. I’ve seen this done and it annoys me because really good places suffer. And you can’t trust bad reviews either. To quote a recently infuriated UK chef whose restaurant copped an unfair review, there are plenty of “gutless

58 The Beast | June 2018

keyboard warriors” who love nothing better than to carp on about the fact that their salad was cold. Down in Narooma, Chris, the owner of the very wonderful Quarterdeck restaurant has the best comebacks to narky patrons that I have ever read. If you want a laugh, look them up on TripAdvisor.

HOTEL REVIEWS Now these I love. Not only because they help you choose the best room in the best place, although that is cool. No, mainly I love reading the one-star reviews, notably of fivestar hotels. Sometimes these are fair enough: “There was poo in the kettle!” or, “A doorman punched my wife!” and the weird, “ Found a cat’s paw in my pillowcase!” but mostly they are just whingeing rants about nothing. What kind of a dilettante, over-indulged society are we if not having a light in the wardrobe can ruin our lovely holiday in the fabulous hotel? Come on now people.

AIRLINE REVIEWS I really love these. If I’m about to spend 24 hours 12,000 feet above land in a fart-tube, I want to know

which airline will make it semibearable. And which seat. I cannot tell you how much seatguru.com has changed my life. Begone seat next to the loo with no window and no recline; I have booked ahead! So, airline reviews are great.

I’ve never written one, of course, but bless all of you who have taken the time to do so.

PRODUCT REVIEWS I do have a real problem with product reviews. Who are these people reviewing their latest toaster, washing machine or waffle iron? Putting twenty words on Google is bad enough, but there are people out there on YouTube making small films about their new hair dryer. What the actual?

Plus, what’s even sadder is that we watch them.

Finally, if you are going to read reviews, The Unreliable Guide suggests you just read the ‘average’ ones. These people are calm; they are not hating or loving on anything too much. But really, just be brave and buy the bloody toaster, take it home and eat some toast.

You can do it. Trust me.

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Neil Hill and his buddy making the most of a long autumn.

A MONTH OF OPPORTUNITY Words and Picture Dan Trotter

J

une, with its westerly winds, crisp short evenings and icy cold ocean, is always a melancholic month in Sydney. Longing for spring and vaguely recalling autumn, the wet weeks can drag and the nights oft feel somewhat lifeless as everyone rushes home from work to avoid the winter chill.

But I guess that’s the joy of living in such a summery city on such an awesome part of the earth.

The balmy warm months are so many that winter is really just a short divergence from beach days, boardies and bikinis.

These days, I love winter more than I ever have; the thrill of night diving, tuna fishing and short sojourns up and down our magical coast in search of skinny water snapper makes the brief daylight hours and somewhat drab weeks more bearable.

Mix in some great dinners with friends, a night or three by an open fire and the odd escape to some far flung location where the days are longer and the weather is warmer and it almost feels like winter didn’t actually happen.

For the fishing afflicted among the devoted readers of The Beast, 60 The Beast | June 2018

we should all know by now that winter simply means a change of focus from summertime locales to winter ones, and the seasonal arrival of certain species along with the departure of others.

June is a month of real opportunity for anglers with access to a boat. In the harbour and around the coastal wrecks, late June is an ideal time to swim small live baits for shy John Dory. They’re slowish moving ambush predators with very large mouths, so small liveys are essential to catch them regularly. Fish areas where baitfish congregate in deep, still bays, suspend your rig at about a quarter of the water depth and use a 10kg/20lb leader and a large gape hook. There’s still a high chance of a kingy or a mulloway so some skilful angling may be required if you hook one of these.

The Australian salmon will also be here, there and everywhere during the next few months and, while many people don’t rate their eating quality, a properly dispatched and prepared salmon is delicious. To catch them regularly on an artificial lure, always scale down the size and cast in front of the feeding school.

If there’s a breeze and you’re boat

fishing, position the boat upwind from the school and use it to carry your lure. To prepare salmon for cooking and eating, bleed them quickly and thoroughly, then fillet and skin them once you’re back at the ramp, ensuring that you remove the bloodline. If you’re planning to hot smoke them - a delicious way of preparing them - you’re best bet is to either butterfly them by removing the spine, or simply fillet them and leave the skin on, before running them in a mix of brown sugar and salt and leaving them to sit for an hour. Then get your wood chips smoking and lay the fillets skin side down.

Winter is also all about southern calamari squid. The baby squid, newly spawned in spring, are now full-sized and growing out their later stages of life. In fact, science has shown that southern calamari squid are short-lived, only living to one year. During this time they feed voraciously and grow quickly, making them a very sustainable source. So, if you and your family love eating calamari, targeting a few kilos of these during a warm winter’s afternoon or crisp dawn is a sure-fire way to have some fun.

JUNE 2018 TIDE CHART Numbers Bureau of Meteorology Tidal Centre Picture Lyn Gall MONDAY

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FRIDAY

SATURDAY

1 0409 1005 1533 2205

0.48 1.35 0.65 1.77

2 0448 1046 1612 2243

0.51 1.33 0.69 1.72

3 0530 1130 1654 2323

0.54 1.30 0.73 1.67

•

8 0257 0935 1559 2154

1.48 0.56 1.44 0.76

9 0357 1021 1647 2256

1.48 0.52 1.55 0.68

10 0453 1106 1734 2352

1.49 0.48 1.67 0.57

•

17 0513 1118 1655 2321

0.25 1.47 0.53 1.96

• New Moon • First Quarter • Full Moon • Last Quarter 4 0615 0.57 1217 1.29 1741 0.78

5 0007 0703 1310 1835

1.61 0.60 1.28 0.81

6 0058 0755 1407 1938

1.55 0.60 1.31 0.83

7 0155 0845 1505 2046

1.50 0.59 1.36 0.82

11 0547 1.51 1150 0.44 1819 1.80

12 0045 0640 1236 1906

0.45 1.53 0.42 1.92

13 0137 0733 1323 1954

0.35 1.54 0.40 2.01

14 0229 0828 1413 2044

0.27 1.54 0.41 2.07

15 0322 0924 1504 2134

0.22 1.52 0.43 2.08

16 0416 1020 1559 2228

0.22 1.49 0.47 2.04

18 0610 0.30 1217 1.45 1755 0.59

19 0018 0707 1318 1900

1.85 0.36 1.44 0.64

20 0117 0803 1420 2009

1.72 0.42 1.46 0.68

21 0220 0858 1520 2121

1.60 0.47 1.50 0.69

22 0324 0948 1617 2231

1.50 0.50 1.56 0.67

23 0426 1036 1709 2334

1.43 0.53 1.62 0.62

25 0029 0613 1201 1839

26 0114 0700 1241 1918

0.52 1.35 0.56 1.76

27 0155 0742 1318 1955

0.48 1.35 0.57 1.79

28 0232 0822 1355 2030

0.46 1.35 0.58 1.80

29 0308 0901 1431 2105

0.44 1.35 0.59 1.79

30 0345 0940 1509 2141

0.44 1.34 0.61 1.77

0.57 1.36 0.55 1.73

Coastal contemplation.

•

SUNDAY

•

24 0522 1.39 1120 0.54 1756 1.68

World’s second keenest.

THE WINTER BLUES Words Jeremy Ireland, Psychotherapist Picture Edward Snowden

T

he end of autumn brings about mixed feelings for me. As a keen surfer, there is a definite upside; it means fewer people in the water and therefore less competition for waves, which are considered to be of superior quality at this time of year. The downside? It’s time to dust off the steamer and brace for the cold.

As the water temperature drops and the wind chill kicks in, you may be forgiven if your mind starts to wander - while waiting for a wave with icy blue hands - to the house of Winterfell, muttering to yourself, “Winter is coming”.

Well, winter is now upon us and for some this means much more than just a change in the weather.

Have you ever woken up on a cold, wet day and thought to yourself, “I’d rather just stay in bed today”?

Well, at this time of year those feelings may be more justified than you realise.

62 The Beast | June 2018

Winter brings with it the effects of colder temperatures and fewer daylight hours. Just as a flower needs the sun to open up each day, we too feel the effects of light and heat. It’s not surprising then to learn that there can be a direct relationship between our mood and the seasons. In short, for some people, when the light is low, the days are short and the air temperature is colder, their emotional well being can slump.

To get some perspective on how daylight and temperature can affect mood, I cast my mind back to the one and only time I experienced a Northern Hemisphere winter. I was more than just a bit north - I was up as far as the Arctic Circle - and I was totally unprepared for how such a winter could affect my state of mind. It was minus fifteen degrees and each day had less than three hours of what could best be described as a

dull twilight. As such, it was difficult to judge the time and my body clock went completely haywire - it was even difficult getting a handle on meal and bed times. My overall mood was down and my body felt like it wanted to go into some weird sort of quasi-hibernation.

Cold wintery days, as irritating as they can be, are more of an inconvenience for the majority of people, but the effects can be more severe for others. Although this seasonal cycling of mood tends to be felt more by people living closer to the poles where the winters are long and dark, the effects of winter can still be felt here in Australia.

Evidence suggests that up to 25 per cent of the population in colder climates have some vulnerability to such seasonal cycling. In fact, there is a condition termed ‘seasonal affective disorder’ (SAD), a depressive disorder also known as ‘winter depression’ that can begin in late autumn and lift with the onset of spring. Excessive sleep, increased appetite, weight gain and low mood are often seen as symptoms of such ‘winter blues’.

Research suggests that exposure to light is one way to lift mood.

Better still, sunlight - a natural provider of vitamin D - and exercise, especially outside, are shown to help. One should avoid eating excessive amounts of stodgy wintery foods, which may make you feel good in the short-term but will only cause you to gain weight. And don’t sleep in for the sake of it; get up, keep warm and get amongst it. Indeed, the take home message I received from my time in the northern winter was, “There’s no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing”.

So, next time you to start crave that north-facing sun or feel like migrating to the Gold Coast for the winter, you’ll know that your craving is a natural response to those winter blues. Remember though, if mood is affecting your ability to function and impacting your thoughts and feelings, seasonally affected or otherwise, seek help from your GP or mental health professional.

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June 2018 | The Beast 63

This is all your fault, Laird.

STAND UP, GENTLEMEN? Words Alasdair McClintock Picture Harry Highpants

I

always knew I would die at the hands of a middle-aged white man. After all, most of us will. I generally assumed it would be a war-mongering politician or a jealous farmer, angered by the quality of my home-grown jalapenos, who would claim my scalp. But now, I have made peace with the fact it will be a financial adviser/lawyer/ banker, deep in the throes of a mid-life crisis, who will mount me upon his wall; my skull clearly indented from the collision with his stand-up paddle board (SUP).

It sounds dramatic, but these blokes are so intent on catching all the waves in the Eastern Suburbs, I don’t think they care how many heads they crush in the process.

I think I speak for every surfer in Sydney when I say, “Please don’t crush our heads, lads.”

There is an etiquette in surfing - admittedly not often closely followed around here - but it is never followed by the majority of SUP riders. They float out the back, take the first few waves of every set and swiftly paddle right back on the in64 The Beast | June 2018

side. Us humble surfers can merely scamper out of the way as they come charging through, and hope that we can get ourselves back in position for the dregs.

Sydney is full of entitled pricks, I know, but these degenerates are particularly concerning, because a lot of them aren’t very good at what they are doing. They should certainly not be honing their craft on a crowded Saturday morning around beginners and disgruntled writers with mild hangovers.

Not wanting to sound like a crazed, fear-mongering lunatic or News Corp journalist, I am amazed that there hasn’t been a serious incident yet.

A conservative estimate is that I have seen about six to eight near misses this year alone, as well as one direct hit. I was nearly cleaned up twice myself on ANZAC Day no apologies and no acknowledgement that he had almost caused me serious injury, which seems to be a recurring theme. I don’t know whether they are embarrassed and hope that by ignoring the person

they almost just killed, they’ll just go away, or they simply just don’t give a shit. Either way, a simple “Sorry, mate” would go a hell of a long way to soothing my temptation to follow them home and hide old prawns around their garden.

It is rare that councils are proactive, but perhaps it’s time someone is. As much as I want to scream “Ban the bastards!” I know I am not entitled to the waves, even if they don’t. The solution is as easy as a designated paddle boarders’ and surfers’ area. Surfers who choose to surf in the paddle boarding area can’t gripe about it, because they’ll have another, much safer (though probably more crowded) spot.

And yes, I realise that SUPing is not solely the domain of the middle-aged white man, but my experience with those not fitting this description - barring one lunatic of the fairer sex - has been perfectly fine. They are not reckless and show consideration for others, which really isn’t that bloody hard, now is it?

the Come for ay st s board ee for a coff

“Is it in yet?”

LOSE WEIGHT FOR BETTER SEX! Words Matty Silver, Sex Therapist Picture Ray Pist

S

ome months ago I had a telephone session with a man in his early thirties. He’s been married for five years and he and his wife have been trying to conceive a baby for about three years, with no success. He told me he always had a low libido but, with the added pressure, he is now suffering from erectile dysfunction. His wife is very disappointed and unhappy because with hardly any sex there is even less chance of falling pregnant. While taking his sexual history, I found out that he has been very overweight since he was a teenager.

With obesity rates on the rise, the effects of being overweight have attracted increasing attention, but one aspect of this problem is too often overlooked - the impact on male sexual dysfunction.

Being overweight can directly affect erectile dysfunction by lowering testosterone levels. Testosterone is the primary sex hormone in men and it plays an important role in both libido and sexual function.

It’s one of the reasons my client

66 The Beast | June 2018

has low desire.

Indirectly, obesity contributes to diseases such as high blood pressure, diabetes and high cholesterol, which all contribute to erectile dysfunction by damaging and constricting blood vessels and affecting the way blood flows in and out of the penis. The penis needs a sufficient supply of blood to become erect and, once engorged, the vessels need to close to maintain the erection.

Research has shown that obesity in men is directly linked to infertility because of the way it affects sperm. The answer for my client may be that he should make an effort to lose some of his weight, change his eating habits and live a healthier lifestyle. Exercising regularly not only helps to shed kilos, it also increases endorphin levels, which can do wonders to improve self-image and increase energy for sex.

Let’s face it, we live in a society that puts great value on physical appearance and it’s not easy for men struggling with obesity. Men

who are overweight often report that sex with a partner sometimes is just too much of a chore; they run out of steam before they are able to complete the act. They often feel self-conscious about the way they look and are reluctant to have sex. Also fat in the abdominal area can make the penis look smaller than it really is, which doesn’t help self-esteem.

With the growing percentage of Australian men becoming obese, it may be time for doctors to explain to their patients how important it is to lose weight and therefore avoid having problems in the bedroom.

Knowing about the negative consequences of an unhealthy lifestyle on one’s sexual functioning may help men quit smoking, consume less alcohol, exercise more and lose weight. For a man to have good sexual health, he has to be physically and psychologically ‘in charge of his penis’.

Having to take Viagra for the rest of your life is not something to look forward to.

Leading the way.

LESSONS FOR LIFE: BRONTE PUBLIC SCHOOL LEADING THE WAY Interview Vicky Bachelard, Waverley Council’s Sustainable Communities

“C

hildren are our future.

Teach them well and let them lead the way,” sang Whitney Houston in one of her all-time favourite songs. And it certainly seems that learning good habits while we’re still young is far easier than un-learning bad habits when we are older.

Clare Baptist, assistant principal at Bronte Public School, believes the key to getting this right from the start is in real-life hands-on experiences - from solar panels to veggie gardens, all the way to the Bronte Loves Our Earth campaign. I caught up with Clare to find out more...

2018 is to be a single-use plasticfree school and for all students to have 100% ‘nude food’ five days a week.

Why is it so important to have a sustainable school?

We are so close to the beach so there are constant reminders of the impact we have on the environment. Recently, on a walk through Bronte Gully with the students, we saw lots of polystyrene balls near the waterfall. The children could easily see where they came from and how they would travel into the ocean and harm the wildlife.

What is your favourite thing about being a teacher at Bronte Public School (BPS)?

I would have to say “a sense of community”. It is so inspiring to see people come together. The sense of belonging allows us to achieve wonderful things on a daily basis.

How are you cutting down on waste?

We are encouraging 100% ‘nude food’ - meaning lunches with no wrappers - and we are composting, recycling and cutting out singleuse plastics from the canteen. We create much less waste now, and by the end of 2018 we aim to have no bins in our playground at all.

What is the Bronte Loves Our Earth campaign?

Bronte Loves Our Earth is a shared vision of the BPS community. We aim to protect the environment and benefit the local community. Our main focus for

How does the My Organic School food co-op support your goals?

Our community can buy affordable organic food boxes, which spreads the concept of locally grown food. My Organic School has been a huge funding contribu-

68 The Beast | June 2018

tor for our veggie beds. The students get hands-on experience in growing and eating healthy food.

We create quick and easy salads, wraps and basil pesto. Parents have been amazed when their children come home and ask to make a cabbage salad!

What are your top three tips for other schools and parents trying to do something similar?

1. Start with student awareness by looking at how you can effect change in your school environment, giving a real-life meaning to your project.

2. Implement ‘nude food’ lunches, which reduce the amount of waste going into landfill and litter in the school playground, meaning cleaner oceans.

3. Tap into the strengths and talents of the community and allow individuals to shine. People feel valued when they have contributed to a positive change.

BPS has also installed solar power as part of the free Council Solar My School Program. Find out more about how schools can get support for sustainability at secondnature@waverley.nsw. gov.au.

Randwick Recycling Centre Do you have additional recycling, soft plastics or electronic waste?

Randwick City Council operates a recycling centre six days a week, where you can drop off a range of items including old mobiles and iPads, plastic bags and wrapping, paint and old batteries.

This service is available to Randwick City residents only – proof of residency is required. We accept the following:

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A BONG-FREE TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE Words and Pictures The Bondi Travel Bug

B

y the time I was old enough to get my driver’s licence, surfing and smoking pot was a huge part of my life and regular road trips to Seal Rocks, Crescent Head, Angourie, Lennox Head, Byron Bay and the Gold Coast had become the norm.

The big difference was that in those mad days the Pacific Highway was nothing like it is today.

Huge stretches of the highway were only just one lane, and it wasn’t always in the best condition.

Back in those days, with every little town you passed through you’d know exactly where to stop for your stoned munchies - chocolate milk, pies, sausage rolls and thick homemade vanilla slices could be found in abundance along this pothole-filled route to freedom.

One of my most memorable times driving up the coast was a mid-week surfing adventure to Treachery Beach, just south of Seal Rocks, in my late teens. It was about 1980 and I was accompanied by one of my good mates, David ‘Baddy’ Treloar, who also happened to be one of Australia’s best surfers of that era.

As we arrived in Newcastle, rain was bucketing down and some loose gravel from the roadworks had been flicked up from an oncoming vehicle and smashed our windscreen. While I was cleaning the glass out of the car I was berated by my older mate for driving way too fast and “like an idiot”.

Replacing the windscreen was never an option, so we wrapped towels around our heads, put our sunnies on and continued driving in the rain. Twenty minutes later the weather had cleared so we pulled off the road onto a quiet bush track to smoke some bongs.

A few hazy minutes passed when a huge emu stuck his head in where our windscreen should’ve been. Moments later another emu appeared, and then 2, 3, 4... perhaps 10-plus, all craning their 70 The Beast | June 2018

ridiculously long necks while sticking their big beaked heads into the car in an attempt to peck us, inquisitively rather than violently.

By this time our fear of losing an eyeball had subsided and we started laughing uncontrollably genuine uncontrollable laughter where you can’t breathe. Still to this day it’s one of the funniest and most ridiculous moments of my life.

Fast forward many years down the track, not only have the bong and drug abuse been confined to the history books, but that same drive north up the coast is now a breeze. Depending on your timing, for the most part it’s a dual carriageway and you’ll rarely be confronted by oncoming vehicles.

But with progress comes change and unfortunately most of the little local towns where we used to stop off along the way have been bypassed by the motorway.

Today, however, the trip is definitely a more mature and comfortable experience. My partner packs an esky with moreish food and our snack stops are also utilised for nanna naps - a change from days gone by when we’d punch a few bongs and have a slash.

Driving from Sydney, the first day’s main stop is usually Seal Rocks - about three hour’s drive away - for a mandatory stretch, walk on the beach, quick swim and a feed. These days pot has been swapped for dry ham sliced off the bone, hummus and baba ganoush with cherry tomatoes, baby cucumbers and Mary’s gluten-free crackers.

From Sealy’s our next stop is a favourite of mine, Scotts Head, for another walk and a swim before we roll into Coffs Harbour. Coffs is the ideal stopover; by the time we arrive the sun has disappeared and night-time driving is definitely not my favourite thing to do. Our choice of motel is the Bentleigh Motor Inn.

After a night’s rest we hit the road head for a 2.5-hour drive to what was once a hidden little gem of a town but is now all grown up: Bangalow.

With its single main street, Bangalow is still the dreamy little town from another era with its charming cafes, restaurants, health stores, boutiques, real estate offices and inviting local pub. The only difference today is the exorbitant price of absolutely everything!

We ended up staying for a week with friends. The 15-20 minute drive to overcrowded Byron Bay winds through some of the most beautiful and lush hinterland and it’s definitely a town that one could easily end up retiring to.

We also visit Nimbin, only a pleasant 45-minute drive from Bangalow. I hadn’t been there for about 28 years and it’s still an endearing little town with its roadside stalls, cafes and colorful shops selling a multitude of hemp products, but there’s an underlining feeling of despair with the old junkies hanging around in what once was and still should be a gorgeous little town.

The return trip to Sydney sees us leaving early in the morning so we can spend a few hours walking and swimming at the back beach of Angourie, just south of Yamba, before making it down to Port Macquarie and crashing at a motel near the beach.

I did take my board on this trip, which is a 9’6 mal these days, but if the swell is over 3 feet it doesn’t come down off the roof racks.

Gone are the days surfing boards under 6’6 and praying for huge swells - long gone, along with the old bamboo bong!

Where to stay Bentleigh Motor Inn Phone: 02 6652 2566 How to get there Vicky Gilden at Rose Bay Travel (02) 9371 8166

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Nothing but praise.

ASIAN MADE: RANDWICK'S HIDDEN GEM Words Siriol Dafydd Picture Penelope Clarke

I

don’t know about you, but when I head to an Asian restaurant, the last thing I expect to be asked is, “Are you here for lunch or to play the pokies?”

Indeed, that’s what we were confronted with as we walked into the reception area of the Randwick Club. There was a faint sound of alarm bells ringing in the back of my head as we stepped into the lift.

I was just imagining me and my plus one, who I had dragged out of work just for the privilege, sitting with a couple of soggy spring rolls, gambling away our Friday afternoon in a dark room laced with beer-soaked carpets.

To my surprise and utter delight, my reservations disappeared as we stepped out of the lift into the newly refurbished Asian Made restaurant - nowhere near the pokies, on its own separate floor of the club.

We were immediately greeted by the most accommodating owner/bartender/waitress of all time. She offered us some wine (always a strong move) and showed us around the restaurant before leading us to our seats on the sunsoaked balcony.

The balcony has a handful of tables and boasts a view of the city skyline - great for enjoying Vivid from a distance away from the 76 The Beast | June 2018

crowds. On the floor above, there is a cool bar that hosts an even better vantage point for those Friday evening cocktail sessions.

The food was simply divine.

The executive chef created a never-ending tasting menu for us, inspired by various Asian cuisines.

Having spent some time living in China, many of his servings are inspired by Chinese dishes and injected with other Asian flavours and influences.

Everything is a slight variation of what you’d normally expect.

Excuse my use of the over-exposed term “Asian-fusion” but that is exactly what is on offer here - a varied menu exploring traditional and modern dishes from across a continent presented with a delightful twist.

We started with xiao long bao, which are Chinese steamed buns similar to dumplings, followed by crunchy Chinese mushrooms, which came with a mouth-watering wasabi master-stock mayonnaise (seriously, I would marry the chef for this dipping sauce alone).

Next we experienced silky tofu and some king prawn spring rolls, followed by crispy Shandong chicken on a bed of Asian vegetables and some tofu and vegetables with steamed rice.

By now we were both in heaven but couldn’t fit in another bite. If we hadn’t alerted our ever-accommodating hosts to this fact, I’m sure the dishes would have kept coming and I would have had to pop off to Kmart on the way home to buy some bigger pants.

To say the food is delicious is an understatement and the most exciting thing about this restaurant is that the best is yet to come. With new owners and a new chef coming on board only two months ago, their menu and their ideas are fresh.

Over the next few months they’ll be introducing a brunch menu, bringing your Sunday a bit of yum cha to dust off those pesky hangovers. They’re also keen to explore the health conscious aspects of the local clientele, blending healthier cooking techniques with those of the naughtier Asian indulgences we’ve grown to love.

Asian Made would make an ideal race day venue, just a stone’s throw from the main gates of Royal Randwick, and they also cater for large functions, with stunning views of the racecourse and city skyline from the fourth floor function rooms above the restaurant.

I have nothing but praise for this place. The only issue will be making sure that people know it even exists. Driving past the Randwick Club on Alison Road, you would never suspect that a top-notch restaurant with great food, fantastic service and a wonderful view was hiding upstairs. So spread the word - this little gem needs to stick around!

Asian Made www.asianmade.com.au Address 135 Alison Rd, Randwick Facebook Asian Made Restaurant and Bar Phone 9399 4188 Open Mon-Tue: closed; Wed-Fri: 11.30am-2.30pm, 5.30pm9.30pm; Sat: 11.30am-9.30pm; Sun: 11.30am-9.30pm Prices Appetisers and entrees: $12-15; Mains: $15-30 Cards Accepted Yes (except Amex) Licensed Yes

Not-so-guilty pleasures.

GLUTEN-FREE TRIPLE CHOCOLATE BROWNIES: A SERIOUS CHOCOLATE FIX FOR THE SERIOUS CHOCAHOLIC Recipe and Picture Catherine Noonan

T

his recipe is an adaptation of a very delicious, yet very unhealthy chocolate brownie recipe that I came across online recently.

To make it healthier I reduced the volume of sugar, swapped the white cane sugar for coconut sugar, changed the wheat flour with gluten-free flour, and substituted the butter with coconut oil - these methods can be applied to just about any mainstream recipe to make it more healthy.

So there you have it, a brownie recipe that is so rich and decadent it will make you feel giddy! You can serve the brownies warm or chill them in the fridge to allow the chewy fudginess to really develop.

It does have a lot more sugar than I’d usually like to use in everyday cooking, so be sparing with serves and perhaps keep this recipe for special occasions only. One last tip: it’s a winner with vanilla bean ice-cream too!

This recipe makes 20 decent sized serves, and it only takes 15 minutes to prepare and 40-50 minutes to cook.

TOOLS Small saucepan Wooden spoon Mixmaster Spatula or electric hand beater 22cm square cake tin INGREDIENTS 200g dark chocolate, chopped 250g firm coconut oil (as soft as butter) 1 cup coconut sugar 4 organic eggs ⅓ cup raw cacao powder 1¼ cups gluten-free flour ½ teaspoon aluminium-free bicarb soda 100g white chocolate, chopped 100g milk chocolate, chopped 100g dark chocolate, chopped METHOD 1. Preheat a fan-forced oven to 160°C; 2. Grease and line the cake tin with baking paper and set aside; 3. In a small saucepan, add the first 200g of dark chocolate and coconut oil and place over low heat, stirring until melted and smooth;

4. Allow to cool (cooling will prevent the chopped chocolate pieces from melting in later steps); 5. In the bowl of a Mixmaster, add eggs and coconut sugar, beating until light and fluffy; 6. One at a time, add the cooled melted chocolate and coconut oil, raw cacao, gluten-free flour and aluminium-free bi-carb soda to the egg and sugar mixture while mixing to combine; 7. Gently combine the extra dark, milk and white chocolate; 8. Pour the mixture into the cake tin and bake for 40-50 minutes; 9. Allow to cool before slicing and storing in an airtight container in the refrigerator.

Cath Noonan is a self-confessed health-foodie, recipe creator, and nutrition student, as well as the founder of healthy food blog, I Heart Scratch. Check out the delicious food pics on her Instagram account, @i_heart_scratch, and find more recipes by visiting www.iheartscratch.com.au.

June 2018 | The Beast 77

Brendan Carter hard at work.

UNICO ZELO AND APPLEWOOD Words and Picture Alex Russell Twitter @ozwineguy

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he team at Adelaide Hills winery Unico Zelo (and Applewood Distillery) are led by Brendan and Laura Carter. The first thing you see on their websites is, “From the land we belong to”.

They’re all about looking after each other, those around them, and the land they come from.

UNICO ZELO The wines start off with the Harvest label. These are cracking little wines for the price (around the $23 mark) and you’ll find something for everyone here. A Sauv Blanc, Pinot Gris and Chardy in the whites, along with a Pinot Noir and a Syrah in the reds, plus a Blanc de Blancs for something a bit fun.

You’ll also find the Spring Release range (around the $23 mark) with some fascinating little blends like the Truffle Hound Nebbiolo/ Barbara blend, and the Cherry Fields Dolcetto.

Move up a notch to the Cru Release range (around $35 a bottle) and you’ll see where the magic

78 The Beast | June 2018

really starts to happen. The wines have some funky names but, even better, they’re awesome to drink.

There are three Fianos - Slate Farm from Clare Valley, River Sand from Riverland, and Alluvium from Adelaide Hills. Brendan assured me that I should get a bottle of each and try them side by side, which is exactly what I did. They come from different soils and different climates so their flavour profile is quite different, but you won’t notice it so much if you don’t have them all open at the same time, so get some friends around and go nuts!

They’re also keen on the Italian red varietals. Halcyon Days is a Nero d’Avola from Riverland, while Pipe Dream is a Nero from Adelaide Hills. Again, try them side by side.

Move up another notch to about $50 per bottle and you’ve got the Exocarpos Nebbiolo and Dreamer’s Creed Fiano. I haven’t tried these yet, but I’m expecting big things!

In short, put together a mixed six pack or a dozen, and explore

some wines made with passion that will expand your horizons.

APPLEWOOD If you think their wines are diverse, just wait until you meet their gins.

The standard gin is a great little starter; my one regret is that it only comes in a 500ml bottle. It works particularly well in a gin martini, or in a G&T with lots of citrus, because it has a bunch of finger lime and desert lime in it. Add a bit of peppermint, saltbush, macadamia and 22 other botanicals, and it’s pretty complex stuff !

Then they released the Seven Deadly Gins series. The Gin of Lust, for example, is red due to loads of cherries. The Gin of Sloth was, quite literally, forgotten about for a while and just sat there. The Gin of Wrath contains chillies.

The Gin of Gluttony contains... bacon! Many of these are sold out now, but sign up to the mailing list because you know there’s something cool just around the corner.

And check out the store for some great Negroni ingredients.

Insanely good.

MOROCCAN PUMPKIN SALAD Recipe and Picture Jacqueline Alwill

I

’m fairly in love with pumpkin right now and this super robust dish really speaks for just how insanely good pumpkins are. The nature of the pumpkin carries spices such as sweet paprika, turmeric and cinnamon so well, not to mention that by adding these culinary spices we add small amounts of valuable nutrients to our diet.

Everything adds up, just remember that, and don’t dismiss the value that a little bit here and a little bit there adds to the overall nutritional content of our diet think of all fruits, veggies, herbs and spices as your multivitamins and it will take you on the right path to health.

This vegan recipe serves six people as a side and is completely gluten, dairy and sugar free.

INGREDIENTS 1.5kg pumpkin (Kent or Japanese), peeled and cut into 3cm thick wedges 2 teaspoons sweet paprika ¼ teaspoon ground turmeric

¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon ¼ teaspoon ground ginger 3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil 1 cup baby spinach ¼ cup organic Turkish apricots, sliced 400g tin organic chickpeas, rinsed and drained 80g cherry tomatoes, halved ⅓ cup sultanas or raisins ⅓ cup almonds, roughly chopped ¼ cup pepitas ½ bunch parsley ½ lemon Plenty of sea salt and black pepper METHOD 1. Preheat your oven to 200°C and line a large baking tray with greaseproof paper; 2. Place the pumpkin wedges on the tray, drizzle with olive oil, then sprinkle with paprika, turmeric, cinnamon, ginger and a pinch of sea salt and use your hands to rub the olive oil and spices into the pumpkin; 3. Cook in the oven for 45-60 minutes; 4. Once the pumpkin is cooked,

remove from oven and allow it to cool (you can also serve it warm); 5. Transfer to a serving platter (or just use the oven tray if you wish) and toss baby spinach, apricots, chickpeas, cherry tomatoes, sultanas or raisins, almonds, pepitas and parsley through the pumpkin pieces; 6. Give the dish a big squeeze of lemon juice, season with black pepper and serve.

This wholesome recipe was kindly provided by local nutritionist and author Jacqueline Alwill, @brownpapernutrition. To order the newly launched Brown Paper Eats vegetarian, ready-made, home-delivered meals, please visit www.brownpapereats.com.

June 2018 | The Beast 79

DMA’S For Now Label Infectious Music Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  DMA’S look like the kind of blokes who would ask for a cigarette, while they’ve still got one in their hand. By choice, mind you. I don’t want to sound xenophobic, but if the geezer look is finding its way to our shores, we need to immediately stamp it out. It’s a terrible look. I’m fully aware that a man who kicks about almost exclusively in a fluffy robe shouldn’t be handing out fashion advice, but there you go, one just did. As for the album? I must admit, I’m not a fan of the genre - think Oasis without the charisma - and I find it all a bit dull.

MISSY HIGGINS Solastalgia Label Universal Music NZ Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating 

FILM REVIEW TITLE Cargo GENRE Drama Thriller REVIEWER Linda Heller-Salvador

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argo is the feature film debut from Australian co-directors Yolanda Ramke and Ben Howling that has been adapted from their ardently received 2013 Tropfest short film. While it is an intriguing end-of-society thriller with zombies as the pandemic’s apocalyptic outcome, it actually has more heart and soul than major scares. Yes, there is blood, as to be expected, but the main focus is on one average man’s desperate struggle to protect his family during extreme and uncertain times.

Set in outback Australia, we find Andy (Martin Freeman), Kay (Susie Porter) and their infant daughter Rosie struggling to survive the outbreak that has gripped the country. When a tragic incident occurs, Andy embarks on a dangerous journey through the harsh countryside in a desperate race against time to save Rosie from a fate worse than death.

The original story line expands when Thoomi (Simone Landers), a young Indigenous girl, crosses paths with Andy, quietly adding to the moral musings of racial disharmony, Indigenous folklore, environmental destruction and personal salvation which all lay at the core of this thoughtful yet occasionally disjointed and slow-paced thriller.

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There is not a person in this country who hasn’t fallen in love with Missy Higgins at some stage. Yet, she’s still so sad. It just goes to show that success and love can’t solve everything, which is a pretty bloody depressing thought. Thankfully for us, from great sadness comes great art, and Missy’s misery has resulted in a surprisingly good album. I was expecting a hack job, yet she delivered a nice little bob, with perfectly faded contours. There’s a healthy dose of electro-pop here too, which also surprised me, but perhaps it shouldn’t have.

ROLLING BLACKOUTS Hope Downs Label Sub Pop Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  While there is a fair argument that this is a genre album, there is also a less convincing one that it’s more than that, but I’m too tired to take on either of them.

Think of a coastal trip, sleeping in the back of your station wagon, having unprotected sex with people of questionable cleanliness and drinking fireside beers on sandy beaches, and you will get the gist of what this is all about. It brings to mind that bonfire scene from Point Break - the original one that is. I don’t know if there is one in the remake and, quite frankly, I don’t want to.

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ACROSS 1. Not ever (5) 4. Slang for ‘going to’ (5) 7. ... and flow (3) 9. Transfer possession (4) 10. Not me (3) 11. 2009 animated film nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars (2) 12. Every (4) 13. Iron Man’s last name (5) 15. Brass instrument with a sliding mechanism (8) 16. A bump that forms on an eyelid (3) 18. Secret agent (3) 19. Be able to bounce back from difficult circumstances (9) 20. Interpret written text (4) 21. Main human character of Pokémon (3) 22. Handheld

light (5) 23. Spin or pivot (6) DOWN 1. Fail to look after (7) 2. Animated (9) 3. ‘About, concerning’ used in an email (2) 5. The body of work of an artist (6) 6. Increase in volume (7) 8. Non-participant of an event (9) 14. Formally end (7) 16. “Antisocial personalities” according to Scientology (1,1) 17. Oppressive dictator (6) 18. A prancing walk (5) 19. Base of a tree or plant (4) 21. Air conditioning (1,1)

TRIVIAL TRIVIA Words Cameron Anderson Picture Josie Luisi Instagram @missjosieluisi 1. What was the name of the Benedictine monk who invented champagne?

2. Where would you find the Sea of Tranquility?

3. In which film did Humphrey Bogart say, “We'll always have Paris?”

4. What is the painting ‘La Gioconda’ more usually known as?

5. Who wrote the James Bond books?

6. Which Australian city is called the City of Lights?

7. What are the names of the Blues Brothers?

8. Which European country uses its Latin name “Helvetia” on its stamps?

9. Often used in journalism, what word indicates that a mistake has been copied as it appeared?

10. How many sides does an undecagon have?

Kicking back.

June 2018 | The Beast 81

LEO JUL 23-AUG 22 Time spent meticulously preparing for something that you have no intention of actually doing is better than doing nothing at all.

CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 20 A massive electricity bill is a lot less painful than a miserable, shitty winter, so go out and buy a heater for every room in your house, now!

VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 23 Don’t spend a cent on new winter clothes. You’ve already got a sick collection of fleecy numbers and anyone who judges you can piss off.

AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19 Unintentionally biting into hard things and hurting your teeth will lead you to consider wearing a mouthguard during meal times.

LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23 Saying, “One of my best friends is from [insert country],” doesn’t excuse the racist comment you just made about people from that country.

PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20 An itch within 5cms of your junk must not be ignored. If you need to touch it more than three times a day, you need to see a doctor.

GEMINI MAY 22-JUN 21 Pay more attention to that thing between your legs. You’ve neglected it lately and it will seek revenge if you don’t give it some love soon.

SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22 Someone in your inner circle will attempt to pull a financial swifty on you. Always read the fine print and don’t pay for anything upfront.

ARIES MAR 21-APR 20 Ease your mental load by externalising your woes and burdening everyone around you with your problems, like you always do.

CANCER JUN 22-JUL 22 Similar to reading tea leaves, you have the rare gift of seeing the future in a piece of used toilet paper. Look into the skid and all will be revealed.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 21 No situation, regardless of how shitty it may seem, will go on forever, so just hang in there and eventually the storm will clear.

TAURUS APR 21-MAY 21 Spelling is important and people may judge you based on your spelling and treat you like an idiot, so definately pay attension to detail.

STAR SIGNS Words Beardy from Hell

TRIVIAL TRIVIA SOLUTIONS 1. Dom Perignon 2. The Moon 3. Casablanca 4. The Mona Lisa 5. Ian Fleming 6. Perth 7. Jake and Elwood 8. Switzerland 9. Sic 10. 11

Fine Dining

Indian Restaurant

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www.theclove.com.au Open 7 days

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FAMOUS SUNDAY ROAST Join us for our Famous Beef, Pork & Lamb Roasts each Sunday Lunch & Dinner.

Take the edge off with our Sunday Bloody Mary Bar.

81 Carrington Road, Waverley Ph: 9389 3093 | @charingcrosshotel