OFFICIAL TOUR PROGRAMME
AUDIENCE INSTRUCTIONS YOUR MISSION AS AN AUDIENCE...
ONE
RONG DO NOT SIT THE W WAY ROUND.
two
REALISTIC
DO NOT HAVE UN EXPECTATIONS
THREE
IENDS TELL ALL YOUR FR . HOW GOOD IT WAS (best done before
show)
FOUR
IF YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND SOMETHING, LAUGH ANYWAY. (unless an ambulance has been called)
FIVE
AS OR DO NOT USE CAMER MENT OF RECORDING EQUIP ANY KIND.
ret saying this for
(Although I now reg
my TV special)
SIX
E, STICKS WITH IF THERE’S A FIR S ON WILL MARSHMALLOW CEILING. DROP FROM THE
SEVEN
E PLEASE BE NICE TO TH THEATRE STAFF. They are all made from
bits of volunteers.
PLEASE ENJOY THE SCALE MODEL OF YOUR HOME-TOWN the which Milton has built just outside
venue.
MILTON JONES’
SPY TRAINING
QUICK! DIFUSE THE BOMB!
Cut the correct wire and save humanity!
CATCH THE VILLAIN!
DE!
R THE CO
DECIPHE
1. Ransom taint 2. MintAir 3. Music Tore 4. Shoveling got gigs in 5. Harking plop go 6. Centers gate 7. Digs issue 8. Immobile splits on
MILTON JONES’
SPY TRAINING
The evil villain is escaping! Chase after him!
CO
A. Golden B. red C. rogue D. alpha E. Iron F. Secret G. Hot H. Green I. The J. Wild K. Silver L. SLick M. Big
MILTON JONES’
OR
NERAT
E GE DE NAM
Every Spy needs a code name Use the first letter from your first name and the month of your birthday to get yours!
N. Deadly O. Flash P. Black Q. Cold R. Wild S. Dark T. Blue U. Stone V. Lone W. Sly X. Sterling Y. Ultimate Z. Rocket
SPY TRAINING
January: Danger February : Spider March: Lightnin April: g Ghost May: Ninja June: Wolf July: Storm August: Scorpio Septemb n er: Co b ra October: Shadow Novemb er: Ja g Decemb er: Fi uar ghter
NS! CONGRATULATIO MPLETE TRAINING CO
All thats left to do is to obtain your Spy ID Card! Log into the Spy network by scanning your finger
MILTON JONES’
SPY TRAINING
“Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs? I don’t think so… retired mermaids.” ak my and stones could bre “I used to think sticks til I fell un – me rt hu er nev ld bones but words cou ” into a printing press. “The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.”
saying: “I lost my job as a cricket commentator for ‘I don’t want to bore you with the details’.”
“As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to surviv e. Lucky my older brother told me about it really.”
?
“One of my heroes growing up was George Best. No no – I liked Zippy the best.”
l leader of Tibet, and he “So I phoned up the spiritua long neck. Turns out I a h wit t goa sent me a large phoned Dial-a-Llama.”
“I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run
over.”
saying that in the old days “My grandfather is always doors open. Which is people could leave their back sank.” probably why his submarine “A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a catoholic.”
MILTON JONES’
A RECIPE FOR A Hawaiian Shirt APPROX. TIME NEEDED: 2 HOURS
ingredients: CHEESE Pineapple HAM (vegetarians can use beef instead of ham) Selotape Buttons Air-freshener METHOD: Place ingredients in tumble dryer and cross fingers.
Click here to try it on! CAUTION: RESULTS MAY VARY
BROKEN DREAMS. Y FOR DAMAGED TUMBLe DRYERS OR MILTON JONES ACCEPTS NO RESPONSIBILIT
WHAT I SEE IN THE MIRROR My face. I think I have the face of Belgian van driver from the eighties. Like Samson my hair is my strength. It grows fast and strong but doesn’t play by the rules. Oh no, it laughs at its feeble enemy the comb. It was more ginger when I was small although my Mum called it ‘auburn’. (We also drank ‘auburn beer’ in the summer). But if it’s shaved off I might lose my funniness.
When shut, my eyes are too small. They are in danger of completely healing over. They’re not exactly identical twins either – more members of the same family with just a similar ‘look’. My face has inflated a bit since middle age, although I’m holding out for a longlasting case of mumps. I have the gift of clumsiness. So, although I’ve exaggerated it slightly to fashion into a career, it’s not unusual to find shaving foam or small parts of long-forgotten meals clinging to parts of my head. So l should probably look in the mirror more. My Achilles heel has always been my skin. If there’s an alien spot, rash or blemish without a home, my face traditionally offers it asylum. Looks wise, apparently I resemble Michael Douglas and Ben Goldacre, however
someone once took the trouble to write and say that I looked like a cross between the French actor Gerard Depardieu and Orinoco the Womble. Thanks. These days people also send pictures of their babies and guinea pigs with bad hair days. Somewhere back in adolescence my emotions gave up trying telling my face how to react. (I should try and re-wire them sometime.) But it’s useful for work – a blank canvas on which to scrawl a cartoon. I wax up my hair and go all starey-eyed. This together with the Hawaiian shirts is like a lizard turning purple and walking on its hind legs to frighten off predators. Off-stage I am quite normal apparently. But I fear the mirror, in case it tells me I am dull, which is why I have to keep pulling faces.
THE GUARDIAN | SATURDAY 8TH MARC H 2014
ssed in camouflage who “To the man on crutches dre but you can’t run.” stole my wallet: you can hide “Recently I’ve been attending mee tings of Eavesdroppers Anonymous – not that they know!”
lly got into the culture. “When I was in America, I rea guy said ‘Have a nice I went into the shop and the .” him d day’ and I didn’t. So I sue
“I lived in a flat with three girls until they found out.” n ordered a book on “I’m very English really. I eve olutely Nothing to Abs e the internet: ‘How to Hav nately, I was out ortu Unf ’. urs hbo Neig r You Do with ed.” when it was deliver
spy many How ences refer spot? ou can y
es MiltonWCElARoEn MANY...
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SPECIAL
THANKS re.
oter extraordinai Amy Hopwood - prom smasher. tour manager & bollard ely ak W es Gil dressed man. Hadley - agent & best rd efo nc Ra k Nic ie. vegg y ort act & edg Chris Stokes - supp of a thousand voices. Ed Gaughan - director . joke odd the Dan Evans effects & physics facts. Da vid Tyler - sound patient wife. Carol Jones - oh so - the programme people. THE MERCH STORE
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