Prides Hollow Gazette Vol. 4

VOL.4

JULY 2022

s w e n t s e t a l The . t n i r p o t t i f that's NEW! Exotic Animal Exhibit

Bodacious Booblet

USD3.40

Dead Body in the Sanctuary!

NEW Story Platform!

StoryImpactNetwork.com

Crime Stoppers

Where the people stay but the gossip travels.

Just remember, you didn't hear it from me...

Because newsletters don't have to be boring.

Hey ya'll...

Kelly Swanson here, official editor of the Prides Hollow Gazette, with all the latest gossip from our tiny little town about a mile and a hair past nowhere. Whether you're one of the neighbors, or just passing through, we're glad you're here. You'll quickly see that we're just a place where the simple life is revered, ordinary heroes are appreciated, and the stories are never fancy, they're just about the people. And no matter what you're going through, we hope you realize that you're not alone. We hope your visit makes you laugh, tugs on your heart, and sends you off a little better than we found you. Oh, and we'll let you know what Kelly is up to also. If there's time.

Please check out our video stories on Youtube www.PridesHollow.com - or our audio stories on the Podcast https://prideshollow.buzzsprout.com (or your favorite podcast channel). You can even get your own key to the city on www.Patreon.com/kellyswanson Until then, we'll leave the light on and keep a casserole warm.

Kelly Swanson

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The platform is called Mighty Networks and is available on desktop or app.

Just go to the web page above to find it.

Important Announcement!

Stop everything you are doing right now, and pay attention. There has been a recall. If you ordered the Bodacious Booblet from Barbara’s gift shop, you need to listen up close before you use it.

Bodacious Booblet

We all got excited when Barbara got these new Booblets in stock. We’d all seen the commercials on social media. Get rid of your bra once and for all. No straps. No clips.

Nothing but a clear piece of gel you stick to your nipple, hoist it up, and slap into place.

I about died when I saw it. Why hadn’t anybody thought of this before? I didn’t care how much it cost - we don’t need groceries this month - Mamma is getting her a gel lift and strap freedom.

And, no, it wasn’t just made for the itty bitty titty ladies, it was also made for those of us who could fit a cell phone, a notebook, two pens, and a pack of chicklets in our bra. And have the pictures to prove it.

The video ad showed the Bodacious Booblet lifting an entire watermelon and they had one woman literally pick her boob up off the floor and slap it right back into place. The difference was amazing. A group of us went out and bought one (I bought three) right away, and slapped them on before you could say boo. And now - just days later - the reviews are in.

Do NOT get a Booblet, and if you have one unopened, do NOT open it up until you hear this message or there will be consequences.

In the beginning it works great. It slaps right on that boob with a vengeance and will not let go. I can promise you that.

But when it comes time to take it off, well we could hear Nadine’s screams clear down the street. Her husband called 911 and the EMT people said that’s the first time they’ve been called out for an emergency of this nature. They assured her that the nipple was still intact, and on the upside, at least the whiskers had been removed.

Clara Willow had the opposite problem, when she went out with the ladies for single night over at the Cooter’s Country Dance Hall. She was out there line dancing in her cute boots and short skirt when people started whispering and pointing at her tight little white t-shirt, and the strange bump moving underneath it. She had started to sweat and one of her Booblets had come loose and now one of her nipples was sliding down her shirt like a snail making a slow trip south. She had no idea that the entire audience sitting around that dance floor was riveted watching her right boob deflate and sag in slow motion like she had some sort of chest palsy or something. She just thought they liked her dance moves.

Meanwhile, her friend Juanita was sitting at a high top chatting up that cute new waiter with the goatee, when her Booblet snapped and her left boob hit that table with a thud.

She was mortified. Gives a whole new meaning to the words going clubbing.

Bert Jenkins wore hers to church choir practice and said they were lifted up so high, she couldn’t see the pages in her hymnal.

Erma’s fell clear out of her dress as she was walking down the aisle at her very own wedding. Landed smack down in the middle of that aisle like a jellyfish. Little flower girl picked it up and put it in her basket without missing a beat. But not before everybody saw. Now they think she’s got some sort of implants, and were whispering that they hope her fiancee knows that all her assets were not exactly God given, if you know what I mean. I mean, really, do you think she was born with lips that look like she’s having an allergic reaction?

So I think it’s safe to say, that the Booblet is not all it is cracked up to be. And Barbara’s decided to recall them. You can get your money back, or use it for store credit. I just heard she’s got in a shipment of those Keto edible undies. Now THAT, is a must have.

Guilt free Valentine’s day ladies!

Never boring in Prides Hollow, is it? The small town with the big heart. Where the people stay but the gossip - and the Booblet - travels! Just remember, you didn’t hear it from me! Bye ya’ll.

The Sniffer: Home Invasion According to reports filed by the Prides Hollow Police Department, there is an all points bulletin out on the mysterious Home Sniffer that broke into Old Widow Jenkin's house last Thursday. Apparently the thief was only looking for drugs, and found some strange powderlike substance in a container on the counter to which he sniffed the entire contents and took off when Buster Simms from across the street knocked on the front door looking to borrow Widow Jenkin's wine opener. The thief has not been found and is still at large. If you come across anyone with white powder on their face or clothes, call 911. Widow Jenkins is offering a hundred dollar reward. She is quite upset, as the powdered substance was not cocaine, but rather her dearly departed hamsters.

Remember folks, drugs and crime don't pay!

The Exotic Animal Exhibit

Hey everybody. It’s me again. Somebody please take Miss Duvelle to the eye doctor.

She needs glasses so we don’t have a repeat of what happened this week.

I keep forgetting some of ya’ll don’t live in Prides Hollow. Sorry. I’ll bring you up to speed. Miss Duvelle works over at the advertising agency and print shop. The one on Main Street. Well, the only one, technically. But still.

It started when the children’s museum created this new Exotic Animals Exhibit – which may sound fancy, but was really nothing to write home about, since a frog with six legs or a featherless chicken counts for exotic in our town.

So the museum sends their ad by email over to Duvelle. “Put it everywhere,” were their last words. And put it everywhere she did.

The elementary school newsletter went out first thing Monday morning, announcing that the kindergarteners would be taking a class field trip to the exotic animals exhibit - well, was what it was supposed to say. But thanks to something known as auto correct, and the fact that Duvelle can’t see well enough to catch it - it said the kindergartners would be visiting the EROTIC animals exhibit - and how they were most excited about the petting zoo and its hands on method of learning. And parents are encouraged to join in the fun.

Barbara’s Bed and Breakfast had a huge ad on their Facebook page featuring a buyone-get-one special with erotic animals included – and they would appreciate people taking pictures and posting them on social media - and they got over 2,000 more followers – and 700 gifs and memes - in just two hours - until it got flagged and their page shut down for inappropriate content. They acted horrified, but secretly were thanking Duvelle because now their B&B was sold out through the month.

The Baptist church announced to everyone in the printed bulletin on Sunday morning that the Senior Citizens had a lovely time this past week at the Erotic Animal exhibit where they had lunch while Charlie delivered a thrilling lecture from his days spent photographing erotic animals in their habitats. Why they are even talking about taking a field trip to the Holy Land to check out their erotic animals. And people couldn’t help but think their Senior Citizen group name – The Golden Jewels – had a whole different feeling to it now.

The Mayor had made sure that the front page of the paper was taken up with an article about his hefty donation to the Erotic Animals and how left out they must feel in a different environment – and aren’t we all erotic at heart. And that we should embrace what makes us erotic.

And for about three hours, until the sign was painted over, every person who drove into Prides Hollow saw the giant billboard that said – Erotic Animals Next Stop. We pride ourselves on our clean bathrooms and free parking.

Gotta go. Something’s happening down town and I don’t want to miss it. I’ll keep you posted. Until then, remember that you didn’t hear it from me. It’s just Prides Hollow, the small town with the big heart, where the people stay but the gossip travels.

Erotic Animals We encourage petting.

We encourage you to share your story of hope

Join the network (storyimpactnetwork.com) and find the topic to the side called Inspiration.

Look for post on hope and share you story in the comments. Join us as we link arms and spread hope.

Motivation Moment

The WWW Approach Adopt a '“what went well'” philosophy to your projects or endeavors. Don'’t wrap it up by looking at what went wrong. Instead start (and maybe even end) with what went well in the experience and what you learned from it. That's how you treat yourself with compassion.

Story By Kelly Swanson, Lead Reporter & Editor - Prides Hollow News Desk

Yes, it's true. They found a dead body in the sanctuary. It was over at the First Baptist Church where Ernestine Fink, the church secretary, stumbled on the body when she came in Wednesday morning to get her sweater she left in the sanctuary on Sunday.

The white one with the little yellow daisies.

She was distracted that morning because she had snapped at her husband and was asking for forgiveness and that she needed to have more of a servant’s heart. And if God would forgive her, she would start that very day. And to please give her a chance to make it right. Send her a good deed, she said, and whoever he put in her path she would serve.

And then she got even more distracted by that awful new glass podium they just put up front of the sanctuary – that she told them was not the right look for an altar, all modern like that – what were they Presbyterians now?

She was so busy looking up, that she tripped and landed smack dab on top of a dead man. Chest to chest. Face to face. In what would definitely be considered by Baptists as a sinful pose had the man been alive. We’re not quite sure what the rule is when he’s dead. You could hear her scream clear over at the library.

Mildred had been power walking by the front doors of that church at that exact moment - in her shiny purple jogging suit and matching headband. And she did not waste a moment to pull out her Smith and Wesson 44 Magnum from out of her belly band that she had picked out for herself on her 70th birthday. The man behind the counter had raised his eyebrow and said, “Hey little lady – you think you can handle that much gun?” The answer had been yes, and ever since then Mildred's been known for finding reasons to run into buildings and save people.

Oh don’t worry, she never loaded it. She figured just seeing it was threat enough.

And she was right. Just ask them over at Myrlene, Vyrlene, and Shyrlene’s House of Beauty to tell you about the time she thought the lady in the charcoal face mask was a robber.

Or the fellow who tried to grab her purse at the carnival last Fall. She didn’t even need to pull out the gun – just whacked him up side the head with that purse of hers that had to weigh twenty pounds, thanks to the gun and to that super deluxe senior edition Bible with the big font. Now that’s what I call getting slain by the spirit.

Buddy Scoggins was pruning the bushes out front and he heard the scream and he called 911 then hid behind a bush outside the door which is pretty typical for Buddy. He hasn't changed at all since high school when he played varsity and was known for crying at least once in every game. As my husband Bill would say, “Man up Nancy.” But even the Nancys I know are braver than Buddy Scoggins.

So you can imagine Mildred’s surprise when she runs in and sees Ernestine Fink, church secretary, sprawled out in all her glory on top of a man who was definitely not her husband yelling “I’m stuck – I’m stuck!” Her dress was hitched up and you could see the top of her knee high pantyhose rolling down, as if trying to run away from that oversized rear end that was now exposed for all the world to see. And, well, the woman needs to spend a little more time on the treadmill is all I’m saying.

It was quite inappropriate church behavior – especially for a Wednesday.

Once Mildred found out what was really going on, she pulled Ernestine up, and they both stood there peering down over the dead body. It was the first time either of them had seen one fresh up close.

Wasn’t it a shame he didn’t shave that day? Just goes to show, you never know when your number is gonna be called up. Just ask my mamma and her fresh underwear theory.

And that’s when Ernestine realized this was the good deed she had JUST asked for.

They weren’t sure what to do until help arrived, so they went with the go-to move utilized by generations go God fearing women. They gathered hands to pray over him.

And when they were through, Ernestine just felt like she should do more. She pointed out to Mildred that it was a shame his hair was all messed up like that.

That he was gonna be dragged out of here on a stretcher for all the world to see looking like Gary Busey in the People Magazine article from the day he got arrested. And then she’s digging around her purse for a comb, while Mildred warned her she probably best throw it away when she’s done - after all, it will have dead man germs on it.

Ernestine knelt down over the man and combed his hair – like her husband Earl’s thinking that maybe they’d want to write an article about this in the paper.

Probably would want to compare her to Ruth in the Bible. She’d be sure to wear the white sweater with the daisies in the photo. I mean after all, that’s what brought her here to this divine appointment.

And that’s when it happened. Just as she was putting on the final swirl, the body jerked, made an odd snorting sound, and the eyes popped open.

The man on the floor screamed. Ernestine screamed. Mildred screamed. Buddy from out front behind the bush screamed.

“It’s a miracle!” said Ernestine. “Our prayers have raised him up from the dead!”

And she couldn’t help but notice that it didn’t take them three days to do it.

Then the guy yells, “Oh for gosh sakes. I’m not dead.”

Turns out, the women never thought to check the guy’s pulse.

He wasn’t dead. And he didn’t have that disease that makes you fall asleep without notice. And he didn’t have that thing I saw on the crime show where his body tricked people into thinking he was dead but he really wasn’t. He was simply as the heathens would refer to it – sleeping one off.

He’d apparently come into town for his nieces wedding and had been invited to something they referred to as a pub crawl. Which is where you drink your way through every bar in the county. I guess kind of like when the church has one of those progressive suppers, and you eat each course at someone else’s house. Church has Jello mold, pub crawl has Jello shots.I guess you could say in the church dinner you go in knowing everybody, and the pub crawl you leave knowing everybody. After the dinner you ask forgiveness for what you haven’t done yet, after the pub crawl you ask for forgiveness for what you can’t remember. And I think in both cases you’re gonna end up on your knees praying for help. Altar call, last call. Not too much different.

So this poor inebriated man had obviously taken the title pub crawl to heart – as he was literally crawling by the time he hit our sanctuary looking for a place to rest his eyes in the house whose door is always open.

So yes. That’s how Ernestine got an article about her in the newspaper. And, yes, in the picture she was wearing the white sweater with the little yellow daisies. And she learned an important lesson - that you better be careful what you pray for next time you snap at your husband. And the rest of us learned that the Lord works in mysterious ways. And sometimes he can even use a pub crawl if that’s what it takes to get you on your knees. Either way, the Spirit will get you.

Anyway, I gotta go. Ray Jean says I have just GOT to hear about Bitsy’s home waxing party. And just a warning – it is OMG graphic. I’ll find out the details and come fill you in – just remember – you didn’t hear it from me.

This has been Kelly Swanson, bringing you the latest word from the small town with the big heart. Where the people stay, but the gossip travels.

Want more Prides Hollow stories?

Go to the youtube channel PridesHollow.com

Cracked Mirrors Have you ever looked in a mirror, and thought you looked great, and then looked in another mirror and you were horrified? That’s because you are not one image that everybody sees the same way. Everyone, including yourself, looks at you through their own filter. Think about that.

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Until next time...just remember you didn't hear it from me.

I hope you like this new format for my newsletters. I just got tired of being traditional. Needed to break out a little bit. Thanks for playing. Will be back soon with more funnies from the small town with the big heart. Where the people stay, but the gossip travels.

Kelly Swanson

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