Prides Hollow Gazette Vol. 3

VOL.3

JUNE 2022

s w e n t s e t a l The . t n i r p o t t i f that's

FEATURED ARTICLE: HARVARD REVIEW WHAT THE BEST PRESENTERS DO DIFFERENTLY HINT: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE STORY!

Double Dipping: CONSPIRACY THEORY Follow The Science!

Door Prize Inside!!!

How To Look Busy At Work Peter's Productivity Hacks USD3.40

Crime Stoppers

WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENTS

Where the people stay but the gossip travels.

Just remember, you didn't hear it from me...

Because newsletters don't have to be boring.

Hey ya'll...

Kelly Swanson here, official editor of the Prides Hollow Gazette, with all the latest gossip from our tiny little town about a mile and a hair past nowhere. Whether you're one of the neighbors, or just passing through, we're glad you're here. You'll quickly see that we're just a place where the simple life is revered, ordinary heroes are appreciated, and the stories are never fancy, they're just about the people. And no matter what you're going through, we hope you realize that you're not alone. We hope your visit makes you laugh, tugs on your heart, and sends you off a little better than we found you. Oh, and we'll let you know what Kelly is up to also. If there's time.

Please check out our video stories on Youtube www.PridesHollow.com - or our audio stories on the Podcast https://prideshollow.buzzsprout.com (or your favorite podcast channel). You can even get your own key to the city on www.Patreon.com/kellyswanson Until then, we'll leave the light on and keep a casserole warm.

Kelly Swanson

Wedding

Announcements

Buster and Nina had a beautiful beach wedding.

We thought the dance he did after his vows was a nice touch. We didn't know he was so talented. But it just turned out to be a crab in his swimsuit.

Mary Lou Britt had a lovely outdoor farm theme wedding.

Too bad it was mating season.

Fernetta married that guy she's been writing to in jail. It was a Zoom wedding. Turns out check fraud criminals are her weakness.

Can't help who you love.

How To Look Busy At Peter's Work Productivity Hacks Today's hard worker knows that a successful career hinges on your ability to look busy. These helpful hacks will make you always look good. No matter how much you've been drinking.

1. Keep ear buds in at all times. If someone comes by, start talking with a serious expression, like it's a very important client.

2. Pace the hallway quickly at scheduled intervals, holding a clipboard, with a serious expression. A pencil behind your ear is a nice added touch.

3. Put a pillow and blanket in your office and wear the same shirt twice. They'll think you slept there.

4. Bonus Tip: Tell your boss you would like to talk to him about a raise. You won't see him for at least a week.

The Incident at Percy's Funeral At 2pm this past Saturday, there was a reported incident at the Shady Rest Funeral Home. It unfortunately occurred during the funeral of Percy Simms, may he rest in peace. He died of suspicious causes which are being investigated. He was 104.

Apparently his nephew Digger decided it would be nice to have doves released at the end of the outdoor service. Bless his heart, he was getting it mixed up with a wedding, but he meant well.

Digger was trying to save money and found somebody on the Ebay who was selling Doves at a buy-one-get-one special. Digger bought twenty.

Turned out they were pigeons. And not the cute kind. Apparently these were big city pigeons, with no southern etiquette, or an appreciation for the dearly departed. We didn't realize until the birds were already airborne. Things got ugly after that. Turns out pigeons are attracted to men's hairpieces and older ladies wearing hats. And pantyhose. And, for the record, it is mighty hard to get pigeon poop off a casket.

I'm just saying.

We call that a bonafide case of misadvertisement where I come from.

Digger says he's gonna sue.

Does anybody know how to get pigeon scratches out of a pleather purse?

Have you seen this man?

Cash Reward $75

Police are on the lookout for this man, known on the streets as the Bedpan Buccaneer. We suspect that this man is head of the gang that calls themselves the Blue Pill Bandits. They've been known to wear hats like this, and navy bandanas. They've been spotted in the McDonalds on Saturday mornings around 7am having coffee. Apparently they've been converting residents over at Sunny Side Hills into gang members. Their weapon of choice appears to be cherry bombs and roman candles. Their mission is to go out with a bang. Please stay off the streets at dawn, and be on the lookout for suspicious walkers. The metal kind and the human kind.

DOOR PRIZE!!

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We are excited to report that we have picked up over 900 NEW subscribers since we switched to this new Gazette newsletter format! We believe that it's because people are craving something different, something to make them laugh, and because they love stories. If you've ever seen Kelly speak on stage, you'll know that stories are her secret weapon. What about you?

Could you become a better storyteller? Read why it matters in this Harvard Review article. Double click picture or paste URL into your own browser to read.

https://hbr.org/2022/04/what-the-best-presenters-do-differently? utm_campaign=hbr&utm_medium=social&utm_source=linkedin&fbclid=IwAR0DSbk43DDl0A8_6dG7ORVDMyC ywtYcmmDmsWJNmfCXxMSe8W7ESAifF4Y&utm_source=canva&utm_medium=iframely

Laugh Break

Double Dipping?

Conspiracy Theory! Follow the science Cooking with Buster and Betty A proven peer reviewed study has been conducted and it is official. Double dipping is not the danger you were led to believe.

An intense experiment was done over the course of four football game parties, where people all repeatedly double dipped with extra licking for emphasis. Aside from a touch of diarrhea, they all turned out to be okay. Thank you to those who volunteered. Do your own research. Educate yourself. Next study up: Will crossing your eyes make them stay that way? Was your mother right?

If you always dream for just enough, just enough is all you'll ever get.

Obituary Ms Eulaly Delaney Dalrymple, 97, passed away in her sleep last Tuesday. She left behind her own obituary as was part of an assignment from her life coach.

She wants you all to know that she lived a rich, full, life with no regrets. Well, maybe she does regret marriages 1 and 2. But her life coach taught her to have an attitude of gratitude, so she is thankful that at least they taught her how to punch.

She dearly loved her church, in spite of the praise and worship music, which she says is probably what finally killed her.

She loved her family more than anything. Except Budweiser. And Judge Judy. And the Kardashians.

A few confessions: She wasn't really a blonde, she did intend to knock over Mary Sue to catch that wedding bouquet, and that cake she made every year for thirty years for every shower was most certainly not sugar free, and Bitsy's backside is living proof.

And as her final passing message, Ms Eulaly Delaney Dalrymple had these final words engraved onto her tombstone: If you can read this, you are standing on my boobs.

Whoever stole the AC unit from the Baptist Church - you can keep it. You're going to need it 'cause it's real hot where you're going.

Pastor J

Grunt, the Emotional Support Dog Quit

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Larry has opened his own dance studio Jazz Hands and is looking for a part time assistant. Must have a working knowledge of Excel and first aid.

No body shaming allowed.

Until next time...just remember you didn't hear it from me.

I hope you like this new format for my newsletters. I just got tired of being traditional. Needed to break out a little bit. Thanks for playing. Will be back soon with more funnies from the small town with the big heart. Where the people stay, but the gossip travels.

Kelly Swanson

MotivationalSpeakerKellySwanson.com StoryImpactAcademy.com WhoHijackedMyFairyTale.com PridesHollowTheaterShow.com https://www.facebook.com/MotivationalSpeakerKellySwanson https://www.linkedin.com/in/motivationalspeaker1/ https://www.instagram.com/kelly_swanson_speaker/ https://twitter.com/motivationspkr https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxJ-_s6URKYlK6bOv1DCqeA