In Recovery Magazine Spring 2016

I N R E C OV E RY M AG A Z I N E

Volume 15 Spring 2016

SPRING 2016

Wisconsin Chris Flakus

The War

Jamie E. Lopez

Marilyn Murray

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In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

Intensive Outpatient Program

559 S. Palm Canyon Dr., Suite B-101 Palm Springs, CA 92264

tel: 760-778-6120

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web: ats-iop.com

Addiction Therapeutic Services is a CARF accredited Intensive Outpatient Program located in the heart of Palm Springs, CA. At ATS-IOP we strive to meet our clients where they are and help them sustain lifelong recovery. We require complete abstinence from mind or mood altering medications and substances. We will assess and support each client individually if non-addictive medications are needed for dual diagnosis or chronic pain.

Our weekly curriculum is Hazelden’s Living in Balance while integrating Mindfulness DBT and Spiritual Care groups.

Our core philosophy is 12-step recovery and require families attend our family program. Our Clinical Team include a PhD Clinical Psychologist, LCSW, MD, PA-C, and Certified Chemical Dependency Counselors.

The Clinical and Executive team have well over 100 years of combined experience in the fields of Addiction Treatment and Behavioral Health.

We accept most insurance and offer affordable private pay rates.

The 28th Annual

The 3rd Annual

Cape Cod Symposium on Addictive Disorders

addiction eXecutives industry summit

September 10 - 13, 2015

Jan. 31 - Feb. 3, 2016

Resort & Conference Center, Hyannis, MA

Naples Grande Beach Resort, FL

Register now at www.CCSAD.com

Earn up to choose from

Registration opens Nov. 2015

of continuing education and challenging workshops.

Join us for the 28th anniversary of the premier addiction conference — the Cape Cod Symposium on Addictive Disorders (CCSAD). In collaboration with the New England Chapters of ASAM, Rosewood Centers for Eating Disorders, and the International Association of Family Addiction Professionals, CCSAD is one of the oldest and largest annual meetings dedicated to continuing education and networking in the field of addiction. In 2014, CCSAD hosted a record 1,217 attendees from 46 states and 9 countries.

Intensive Executive Team Training for the Behavioral Health Professional Join us for the 3rd annual addiction eXecutives industry summit (aXis). aXis is a working conference for Board Members, Senior Executives, Medical Directors, Clinical Supervisors, Consultants, and Mid-Level Management to plan for and implement strategies to meet timely challenges facing the behavioral health industry. The summit also provides critical infrastructure assessment and consultation.

In 2015, aXis hosted 450 addiction industry leaders and executives.

www.ccsad.com

www.axissummit.com

The 7th Annual

The 4th Annual

West Coast Symposium on Addictive Disorders

Clinical Overview of the Recovery Experience

June 2 - 5, 2016

July 10 - 13, 2016

La Quinta Resort & Club, La Quinta, CA

Onmi Amelia Island Plantation Resort, FL

Registration opens March 2016

Earn up to of continuing education and choose from more than challenging workshops.

Earn up to of continuing education and choose from more than challenging workshops.

Join us for the 7th annual West Coast Symposium on Addictive Disorders (WCSAD). WCSAD is a rapidly growing national addiction conference held in collaboration with the Rosewood Centers for Eating Disorders and the International Association of Family Addiction Professionals, this premier addiction conference is dedicated to continuing education and networking. In 2015, WCSAD hosted a RECORD 1,014 attendees from 45 states and 7 countries.

Join us for the 4th annual Clinical Overview of the Recovery Experience (C.O.R.E.). Each year, C.O.R.E. hosts hundreds of addiction professionals from various states who want to advance their understanding of the principles behind abstinencebased recovery practices. The conference is structured as a forum to increase the collective understanding of recovery processes. The goal is to improve outcomes by better integrating abstinencebased practices and Twelve-Step principles into therapeutic initiatives.

www.wcsad.com 4

Registration opens May 2016

www.core-conference.com

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

From the Publisher Kim Welsh

P.O. Box 11176, Prescott, AZ 86304 inrecoverymagazine.com

CEO/Publisher Kim Welsh Editor in Chief Janet A. Hopkins Operations Manager Valerie Lambert Senior Copyeditor Rebecca (Becca) Fields Copyeditors Barbara Schuderer Mary Locke Subscriptions John Schuderer Advertising Sales Jacque Miller Layout/Design Kim Welsh Graphic Artist/Ad Design Patricia Mastrobuoni

W

publisher@inrecoverymagazine.com

elcome to our international issue of In Recovery Magazine. Yes, we are being read around the world! From our beginnings as a small magazine in the little town of Prescott, Arizona, we’re moving forward and gaining international recognition. And why not? The disease of addiction certainly doesn’t stop at the US borders; it’s a global epidemic. Recovery needs to be shared with people around the world.

We aim to reach anyone, anywhere, who seeks the inspiration and encouragement people need from the articles and stories that grace our pages. The challenge is . . . how do we reach more folks? For this, we need your help – word of mouth from satisfied readers is the best way. If you like In Recovery Magazine, direct your family and friends to our website, our Twitter feed and our Facebook page. Heck, buy them a subscription! We also distribute the magazine to nonprofits whose clients can benefit from our message.

In Recovery Magazine has become a resource for many who have reached out for help. I recently was told that one of our advertisers was admitting a client from Italy who saw our client’s ad in our magazine. That’s what I’m talking about! This is why we do what we do.

We have an exciting new addition to the In Recovery Magazine family – inRecovery Radio, hosted by Bill Gates. Would you like to share your experience, strength and hope on the air? Contact me to discuss the possibility of becoming a guest on our show.

Here’s to 2016 being our best year yet!

Kim Welsh

Cover Photo Will Boyd Kay’s Kitchen Kay Luckett

From the Editor

CrossTalk Stephanie Moles

Janet A. Hopkins

Book Review Lena H. Meditation Michael Lyding BodyTalk Victoria Abel Recovery Tech Ashley Loeb Chaos and Clutter Free Danielle Wurth

In Recovery Magazine is published quarterly (4 times a year) by In Recovery Magazine, Inc., PO Box 11176, Prescott, Arizona 86304. Subscription rates (US dollars): 1 year $17.95, 2 years $25.95 in the United States and Possessions; 1 year $37.95, 2 years $65.95 in Canada and Mexico; all other countries $41.95 for 1 year, $73.95 for 2 years. Single copies (prepaid only): $8.99 in US, $11.99 in Canada and Mexico and $12.99 in all other countries. All rates include shipping and handling. Email your request to valerie@inrecoverymagazine.com.

The magazine is published by founder, Kim Welsh, printed in the US by American Web and distributed by Disticor Magazine Distribution Services. ©2016 In Recovery Magazine, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including by photocopy, recording, or information storage and retrieval without permission in writing from the publisher. For uses beyond those listed above, please direct your written request to Permission Dept., email: editor@inrecoverymagazine.com.

In Recovery Magazine does not verify any claims or other information appearing in any of the advertisements contained in the publication and cannot take responsibility for any losses or other damages incurred by readers in reliance of such content. Publication of any advertisement is not to be construed as an endorsement of the product or service offered.

In Recovery Magazine (IRM) reserves the right to editorial control of all articles, stories and Letters to the Editor. IRM assumes no responsibility for errors within its publication.

The opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily represent the policies of IRM and should not be construed as endorsements. Furthermore, IRM will not be responsible for any claims, losses or damages (whether direct or indirect) arising out of or relating to the use of or reliance on the contents of this magazine.

Spring 2016

M

editor@inrecoverymagazine.com

ark Twain once said: “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” This notion resounds in our stories from writers around the world.

In this issue of In Recovery Magazine, we get a glimpse of what the discovery of that second day meant for some inspirational members of our global recovery community. For Steve K. of Macclesfield, England, that moment came when he read Ernest Kurtz’s Not-God, A History of Alcoholics Anonymous. For Clare Kennedy of London, England, it was a simple moment of clarity when she traded in her extravagant lifestyle for a life of purpose. In the Cradle of Humankind, South Africa, Jeremy Behrmann found his tribe, retreated from the edge and discovered his vocation.

Christa Bidgood, Canton Beach, Australia, heard a message she had never heard before: Not only could you stop drinking and stay stopped, but you could also be happy. In our cover interview with Marilyn Murray of Scottsdale, Arizona, and Moscow, Russia, the emergence of her repressed memories of a violent trauma was the key to a new life of service and healing for herself and countless others.

Ah, the ripples created by one person’s recovery!

Through their stories and others, we meet fellow travelers living fulfilling lives in recovery. If their stories impact you as they have us, visit inrecoverymagazine.com or email us to share your comments. We’ll print them in the next issue of the magazine.

As always, kudos to our amazing In Recovery Magazine team for putting together a wonderful issue. How we do it, I don’t know. Somehow each quarter, we slide over the finish line and ship it off to the printer just in time to get it into your hands by the first of the month. As our columnist, Kay Luckett, would say, “Bon Appétit!”

In Recovery Magazine

5

Looking for a rewarding career?

In Recovery Magazine is seeking national advertising sales representatives.

Would you like to be part of one of the fastest growing publications in the recovery industry? In Recovery Magazine is just that publication.

We are on a quest for experienced advertising salespeople to secure contracts with the resources that are so important to our readers – our advertisers. We are looking for friendly, outgoing and high-energy people who can help us grow.

Only serious applicants need apply. This is a commission-based opportunity with unlimited income capability.

Go to our website and find out what we’re all about – inrecoverymagazine.com. Help us help others as we celebrate recovery around the world.

Please send resumes to Jacque Miller at jacque@inrecoverymagazine.com.

Magazine

Table of Contents

Cover Story

16 | Russkaya! The Healing Journey by Janet A. Hopkins

Marilyn Murray, a woman of Russian descent and an internationally renowned author, educator, therapist and theorist, shares her work with trauma victims in Russia.

Features 21 | Wisconsin by Chris Flakus

26 | The War by Jamie E. Lopez

24 | Why an Alcoholic Shouldn’t Write a Memoir by J.A. Wright

Harmonium by Patrick Whelan Because of my own journey through addiction and recovery, I have the great opportunity of sharing my own hope and encouragement with others.

The beginnings of full-on heroin withdrawal were creeping up on me. I was terrified of showing weakness in front of these men. I knew that jail was the one place on earth you could not afford to appear weak.

You may have been convinced at one time that you were a social drinker/user and may have been successful, like I was, at talking your way out of a DUI with a funny story about how you lost your pants.

That ghetto embodied all that was biased and cruel – a demographic of people born into a nearly inescapable cycle of poverty, abuse, addiction and untreated mental illness. It was an impoverished part of the city that had been swept under the rug.

30 |

Theme: Recovery Around the World 46 |

34 | Confused, Befuddled, Bedraggled

by Clare Kennedy There I was, on a park bench, confused, befuddled, bedraggled and in my Jimmy Choos. This surely couldn’t be what they’d meant by “life beyond your wildest dreams!6

Grazie, Non Beviamo by Mary Goodrich We had been planning a sober trip to Italy for months, fulfilling a lifelong dream to travel to the land of pasta and gravy – the kind heartily ladled over beds of fresh pasta and ravioli.

36 | In the Cradle of Humankind

A Twelve Step Agnostic in AA by Steve K. Growing up in an alcoholic home in Macclesfield, England, my unhappiness and insecurity, a deep sense of rejection and the easy availability of alcohol set the scene for my own alcoholism and drug abuse.

38 | The Tide is Turning

Auzzie Joys of Recovery by Christa Bidgood This is the story of how I recovered in the “Great Country Down Under.” Our family was alcoholic – my parents drank socially at every occasion. They entertained friends from all walks of life and everything at home had to be perfect. I hated it.

by Jeremy Behrmann It was on returning to my native South Africa, the Cradle of Humankind, home to some 40 percent of the world’s human ancestor fossils, I acknowledged the most primal parts of my being.

by Nicola O’Hanlon Positive conversation about addiction and recovery in Ireland inspires others and begins to dispel the stigma, shame and ignorance.

44 | Coming Alive

by Vonny Hickey I grew up in Ireland in the 1980s, where alcohol consumption was rampant. Each night, I watched my father hunched over his bowl of cereal and wondered if this would be the night he toppled into it.

48 | 50 |

57 | When in Rome . . .

by Carolyn Foland Touring with sober travel companies provides interaction with others in recovery who are also interested in travel. Some companies even offer a chance to explore one’s spiritual side with experienced retreat leaders.

Articles

60 | Bob Morse Memoriam by New York Jimmy

72 | That Dark Place by Patti Crowley

62 | 2015 In Recovery Magazine Gratitude Gala and Expo

74 | Laughter is Legal

66 | Awake and Alive

76 | Sober Dreams

by Russ Kyle

70 | Drug Courts Work!

by Teresa Stasiuk

by E.J. Scott

by Mark M.

80 | Humble Beginnings by Nathan Cermelj

Recovering Artist

83 | Ken Henderson Memoriam

85 | Artist Aaron Lee Perry

90 | Dear Addiction by Brandon M. Howe

86 | The “Hello My Name Is . . .” Project

91 | Bring Me a Flower by Robert Milton Ingram

Nicknamed “The Alchemist” because of his mixture of multiple media forms, Perry’s art traverses from low to high art and often includes writing elements.

Doug Lail is a portrait artist who uses his skills to extract insight and wisdom from people living the brave and powerful experiences unique to the path of recovery.

88 | Artist Hank Edwards

I often say, “God had different ideas for me.” This is a proven truth in my life – God said paint. I now share my gift with people in the recovery community.

by New York Jimmy

Brandon Howe is a recovering addict and an inspiring writer. He has spent nearly five years of his life in jails around Virginia. He is currently serving time in Hanover, Virginia.

Robert Milton Ingram lives in Phoenix, Arizona. He is a writer and composer who lives with his service dog, Biscuit.

Columns 13 |

Meditation by Michael Lyding Isolated and alone – that’s the way I was. Stuck in the absolute need to figure it out – that’s the way I was. Accepting help would be a sign of defeat, would diminish me – that’s the way I thought.

40 |

Everyday Miracle by Maetta Broadus Alcohol allowed me to escape the turmoil and torment of my own perceptions of being an ugly, poor, non-virgin, daddyless rejected little girl. It allowed me to live with myself in this cruel world.

42 | Kay’s Kitchen by Kay Luckett

I have been walking through those doors for 18 years, even on days when I really could talk myself out of going. I go anyway – not just because the meetings are mere minutes from my front door, but because not going to meetings can become a dangerous habit..

40

52 | The BookStand

Recovery is the subject of countless books. Here are some titles worth a look.

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54 |

CrossTalk by Mollé CrossTalk is based on the premise that recovery life is polytely: frequently, complex problem-solving situations characterized by the presence of not one, but several endings.

59 | Book Review: Bottled by Lena H.

Dana Bowman has uncorked the bottle of her own bubbly spirit and poured it into this memoir. Her apt and cheery insights go down like sparkling cider, page after page, arousing the reader’s sympathy and interest.

68 |

Chaos and Clutter Free by Danielle Worth Be travel smart by planning, packing and plain ol’ fun!

78 |

BodyTalk by Victoria Abel Some people think a juice fast after the holiday season is a good way to jumpstart their way back into healthy eating, but the damage from the fast may be worse than the fruitcake.

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82 | Recovery Tech by Ashley Loeb

These days, I listen to recovery-related books while I am walking my dogs, on the treadmill, driving, cleaning or even applying makeup.

94 |

Recovery Today by New York Jimmy I remember when we used to do more Twelve Step calls on wet drunks. I’ve done some interesting ones. But just because we’re not doing as many, doesn’t mean there’s not Twelve Step work still to be done.

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In Recovery Magazine

82 Spring 2016

Oasis Behavioral Health offers a full psychiatric continuum of care including Acute Psychiatric Hospital, Residential Treatment Center, and Outpatient Services to meet the needs of adults and adolescents. Oasis hospital provides a safe, stable, and secure environment for clients to heal in times of crisis so that they may move forward with the recovery process. Oasis residential programs promote recovery using evidence based therapeutic interventions. Oasis outpatient programs provide intensive therapeutic interventions while exercising real world applications as the person maintains routine activity. Oasis staff members strive to offer hope to clients who are often suffering from depression, emotional pain, or trauma. Hope is the recognition that the future can be different and is the fuel for recovery. Oasis works with clients to define their purpose outside of addiction and mental illness and develop discharge plans that emphasize client strengths, goals, and desired purpose. At Oasis we approach each client with optimism about their future and recovery, addressing each roadblock independently and using setbacks as growth opportunities.

Programs ACUTE PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITALIZATION

Oasis Behavioral Health Hospital serves the inpatient crisis and stabilization treatment needs of children and adolescents 11-17 and adults 18 and over who are experiencing psychiatric or substance abuse problems. We provide a safe, stable, and secure environment for the promotion of

stabilization and recovery.

RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT CENTER

Oasis Behavioral Health Residential programs are Level 1 RTC/ BHIF providing services for adolescents ages 11 -17 experiencing emotional/behavioral and substance abuse difficulties. OBH provides a nurturing environment for adolescents to address psychiatric, chemical, trauma, and family issues while working with our highly qualified staff to achieve academic goals and prepare for a successful life in the community.

OUTPATIENT SERVICES

Oasis Behavioral Health Outpatient Services address a variety of psychiatric and substance needs including Intensive Outpatient Programs that address mental health, substance, trauma, and other co-occurring disorders.

SUICIDE PREVENTION

Oasis Behavioral Health is partnered with The Jason Foundation, Inc. to provide free suicide prevention education to teachers, clinicians, and community members. OBH is committed to the education, prevention, and support of community members affected by suicide.

Therapeutic Support Services

Evidence Based Practices

RECREATION, ART, AND MUSIC THERAPY

OBH is dedicated to the development of our clinical programs and practices. We pride ourselves on staff education programs and using current, evidence based practices. All of our programs are based on a person centered approach that includes harm reduction and self-directed recovery practices. Some of our evidence based interventions include Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), Crisis Prevention Intervention (CPI), Living in Balance (LIB), Trauma Informed Care, Trauma Specific Care, and 12 Steps.

Oasis Behavioral Health uses recreation therapy to support the clinical services in our programs.

Art expression, yoga, music, team sports, and aquatic recreation are among some of the activities used to promote healing, social and cognitive functioning, build confidence, develop coping skills, and integrate leisure skills into treatment.

OASIS RECOVERY SCHOOL

Oasis boasts an onsite world class learning institution that is proud to graduate many high school seniors and help children in treatment recover credits that they have missed due to legal and health complications. The Oasis Recovery School addresses the special learning needs of our students through individualized curriculum and alternative teaching methods and accommodations.

2190 N. Grace Boulevard CHANDLER, AZ 85225 • Acute Psychiatric Hospitalization • Residential Treatment • Suicide Prevention

1120 E. 6th Street CASA GRANDE, AZ 85122

1-800-844-6435 • OBHHospital.com Spring 2016

TWO LOCATIONS

In Recovery Magazine

• Residential Treatment • Suicide Prevention

9

Recovery Begins Here.

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Contact us at toll free at (844) 865-4056

Letters to the Editor

In Recovery Magazine is pleased to announce the winners of our “Where Did You Find In Recovery Magazine?” photo contest. Thanks to all who entered.

1st Prize: $100 and a one year print subscription to In Recovery Magazine

I found it!

inRecovery Radio

I learned of your magazine when I saw it on the magazine rack of the Giant Eagle, our region’s grocery store chain. I picked it up because of my past work with [a local rehab] here in southwestern Pennsylvania.

I asked one of my kids to buy me a year’s subscription for Christmas!

Thanks so much for the inRecovery radio station . . . I love it! I found an author and a book there I want and need to read. I’ll see you at your recovery station!

R. C. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

From Facebook

Shanna Sayre Cypress, California

David Coleman Kennesaw, Georgia 2nd Prize: $50 and a one year print subscription to In Recovery Magazine

Recovery Rock Fest

I’m a psychologist who works with addiction and am in recovery. Love the publication. Thanks for your service.

Check out Music Addiction Radio with Bill Gates [inRecovery Radio] who graciously gave some time for Recovery Rock Fest (RRF) and has been a great support. We appreciate you, Bill, and thanks for having RRF on the show!

Brigitte L. Lank, PhD, CSAT Mill Valley, California

Nyla Cione Wilmington, North Carolina Editor’s Note: inRecovery Radio is the newest addition to our In Recovery Magazine family. If you would like more information, contact Bill Gates at bill@inrecoveryradio.net.

We welcome your comments.

Send them to us at In Recovery Magazine, P.O. Box 11176 Prescott, Arizona 86304 or email editor@inrecoverymagazine.com. Tweet us at @InRecovery_Mag. Submissions may be edited.

Beth Denham San Bruno, California 3rd Prize: $25 and a one year print subscription to In Recovery Magazine

Check out our new digital app!

In Recovery Magazine for iPhone, iPad or iPod touch and other mobile devices is here! Enjoy the stories you love in a convenient and readable way. The app is available for download from the App Store.

Other mobile devices including Android, Kindle Fire, Windows 8, Facebook and Blackberry Playbook may download the In Recovery App at pocketmags.com.

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In Recovery Magazine

Seth Born Prescott, Arizona

Spring 2016

Meditation:

My Recovery Door

by Mike L.

“When I talk about it, it lets go a little bit.” – Susan C.

I

solated and alone – that’s the way I was. Stuck in the absolute need to figure it out – that’s the way I was. Securely imprisoned in the need to solve this problem and that problem and that problem and, when I could not, to solve your problems – that’s the way I was. Accepting help would be a sign of defeat, would diminish me – that’s the way I thought.

I gritted my teeth so much that I’m surprised I have any enamel left.

Susan spoke her words with a little sigh. She, like I, wanted relief from that personal bondage. The way out of this bondage is to open up to others who can help me. Unfortunately, working on this phase of a healthy recovery is not as easy as unlocking and opening my front door to step outside.

My recovery door has acquired rust over the years. Each time I “talk about it,” I am able to scrape off a little bit of that rust. But I become overly confident, believing I can force the door open with my shoulder, soon finding myself right back where I started.

However, after I have talked about what has imprisoned me behind that door and have chipped away a sufficient amount of rust, I can, with help from my Higher Power and my friends, open the door wide enough to emerge.

Since becoming sober in December 1993, Mike Lyding has been drawn to prayer and meditation. At age 58, while meditating, he discovered he had a desire to write. So far, the result has been two daily meditation books primarily for the recovering communities, Grateful Not Smug (2006) and Gratitude a Verb (2009).

Spring 2016

In Recovery Magazine

13

Russkaya!

The Healing Journey

Comfortably ensconced on a couch in my living room on a chilly autumn day, Marilyn Murray, a woman of Russian descent and an internationally renowned author, educator, therapist and theorist, and I spent the afternoon talking about her life’s work. As I spoke with the almost 80-year-old author, I was struck by both her passion and compassion. But most compelling was her sense of urgency regarding the suffering of the Russian people – a people confronting past and present trauma, abuse, addiction, neglect and deprivation related to the Soviet regime, the societal collapse following the dissolution of the USSR and the present crises.

The Fall of the Soviet Union

O

n December 25, 1991, the Soviet flag was lowered for the last time over the Kremlin. People all over the world watched in amazement as the monolith that was the USSR dissolved. Mikhail Gorbachev later told interviewers, “The Soviet model was defeated not only on the economic and social levels, it was defeated on a cultural level. Our society, our people, the most educated, the most intellectual, rejected that model on the cultural level because it does not respect the man, oppresses him spiritually and politically.”

When the Soviet system collapsed – and with it the societal norm of dependency upon the government for nearly every aspect of person’s existence – chaos ensued. Alcoholism and smoking addictions were rampant. Vodka and Russia were synonymous.

In her book, The Murray Method, Murray addresses “one of the most profound unspoken tenets that formed the Soviet system . . . human life has no value.” She noted that even today, this “ruinous conviction is reflected by the fact that being careless regarding one’s safety and health is common . . . many [people] of all ages drink, smoke or do drugs to excess without being concerned about whether they will die in the process.” (p. 105) As in any country where there is oppression, poverty and widespread addiction, there is also abuse, neglect and deprivation. Additionally, many individuals in the new Russia faced extreme violence that continued through the early 2000s.

When the USSR fell, people around the world came to the aid of the former Soviet citizens with food and other necessities. They also brought knowledge and support, especially in the area of alcohol and drug addiction treatment. Some Russian professionals were brought to the US for training and, at last, treatment centers were opened 14

by Janet A. Hopkins

in the former USSR. But there continues to be an acute shortage of trained professional staff – the need for help far exceeds the supply.

Today, alcoholism and heroin addiction rates in Russia are among the highest in the world. Beer was not considered to be alcohol until 2011, and was even sold in schools. Binge drinking is common, fueled by the Russian tradition of excess. Even codeine did not require a prescription until 2012.

In 2011, the World Health Organization estimated that one in every 13 Russian citizens was an alcoholic. A mindboggling 15.76 liters per capita, fourth highest volume in Europe, was consumed each year by Russians. Thanks in part to anti-alcohol measures taken by the government and a growing interest in health and fitness fueled by the Internet, more recent figures reflect a decrease in consumption to 13.5 liters per capita.

The Healing Journey From reading her autobiographical book, Prisoner of Another War, I knew that Murray had been a victim of childhood trauma as the result of a violent assault when she was eight. When she returned home that day, she felt “like a prisoner of war who returns to family and friends who love and care for her, but have no comprehension of her pain or trauma.” It wasn’t until her early 40s that memories of the event began to surface and eventually create havoc in her picture-perfect life.

“Emotional pain that is denied or repressed by chronic shock will take its toll some time, some place. It will fester and either erupt or be driven underground to emerge in other ways,” said Murray. A close friend urged her to go into therapy. She emerged from her healing journey seven months later with a new set of tools and a new vision. Murray’s memoir is the story of her painful passage to health and her eventual development of a new approach to treating trauma, further explained in her second book, The Murray Method.

In 1997, at the Ottawa University’s Arizona campus, she created and taught a graduate program using the Murray Method entitled The Treatment of Trauma, Abuse and Deprivation – one of the first specialty programs for health professionals regarding these difficult issues.

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

Spring 2016

In Recovery Magazine

15

Celebrating Mike Tyson’s sixth month of recovery.

As a psychotherapist, she was a pioneer in Intensive Outpatient Therapy where she specialized in problematic cases, often with high-profile clients. Mike Tyson speaks of the effectiveness of his long-term work with her in his new book, Undisputed Truth.

Murray’s Russian roots, as well as her work decades ago in prisons, spurred her interest in people imprisoned in Iron Curtain countries and her desire to understand their survival mechanisms during very traumatic times.

An Invitation to Teach In 2002, after more than 20 years providing therapy to victims and perpetrators of sexual abuse and associated traumas and addictions, Murray was invited to teach a weeklong workshop regarding The Murray Method and trauma at a training program for therapists sponsored by a Russian organization offering courses for addiction counseling. And thus, in a country where trauma is normal, her mission to provide a way out for other trauma sufferers by training counselors and therapists from former Soviet countries began. “I went to teach one class and, fourteen years later, I’m still going there today,” Murray told me.

“These people were facing life and death issues. Many were living in survival mode,” she said. Many of her students had been raised in a restrictive environment where they were told the enemy was all around them. The Soviet system ruled by fear.

16

In the USSR, all women were required to work fulltime.

Many children were raised by grandparents. Others attended government schools where some children only went home on weekends. If no childcare was available, children and infants were left home alone for many hours and even days. The concepts of God and family were regarded as competitors of the Soviet system and thus should be eliminated.

In a July 29, 2013 article for The Moscow Times, Murray wrote, “They had become so accustomed to abuse, neglect, deprivation and brutality that it became normal for them.

They had no concept of how appalling it was nor how common.”

Murray shared that, “They were taught they had zero worth as a person, except to help the Soviet system.” When the communist regime ended in 1991, people were left with no one to be responsible for them, however inadequate or harsh that care may have been. One student, a physician, said, “The system deliberately kept us as dependent children who were punished if we ever thought for ourselves. When the USSR fell, it was as if we were small children who were thrown out into the snow, and told, ‘Here, go take care of yourself!’” He then declared, “We’re not stupid; we’re not lazy; we just don’t know how!”

Their very identity had been tied to the system and their value as human beings depended on their pride as Soviet citizens. Then, suddenly, without a stable government, they

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

found themselves floundering and in chaos. It was humiliating to have to accept help from former enemies. Families that formerly were devalued now were enmeshed with several generations living together in tight quarters. Many were fatherless due to alcoholism and divorce.

A Pathway for Others to Follow Since that first seminar in 2002, Murray has taught seminars to nearly 3,000 health professionals and clergy from 295 cities in the former USSR, Siberia and near the Arctic Circle. She spends four to six months a year in her small apartment in Moscow, where she has been a professor at the Moscow State University of Psychology and Education and other universities, as well as the Murray Method International Center in Moscow founded by some of her students.

Her students learn the Murray Method by doing it. On long rolls of wallpaper hung around classroom, they create their Trauma Eggs with heavy lines depicting the pain in their lives. Each participant shares deeply regarding events never spoken of before. Many did not realize that others were also suffering the same pain. They learn that many of the negative messages their former government had inundated them with for years weren’t true.

In a 2013 article for The Moscow Times, Murray told of one

mothers; twenty-one had close family members who were alcoholic, often through several generations; three had grandfathers who died in World War II; four had parents and grandparents living under Nazi occupation in World War II; seven had parents or grandparents who were declared ‘enemies of the people’ and sent to gulags [Soviet forced labor camps]; four experienced starvation and famine as children; six were left alone as infants, toddlers and small children while parents worked for the State; five had immediate family members commit suicide; and three were hospitalized for severe depression.”

Students, who must be six months clean and sober, soon begin to realize that sharing their traumas brings healing.

They are taught to look at what is good in their culture and to prune away what is unhealthy, and the importance of examining their lifestyles and belief systems as they make sense of their changing world.

For some students, the program has awakened a “desire to know myself ” and has “helped us draw a picture of our souls.” Where once they were taught not to have personal responsibility, now they are learning they must take personal responsibility as they learn to deal with life in healthy ways without anesthetizing. “Change is possible; there is hope for healing,” said yet another student.

Some enthusiastic students become certified Murray Meth-

Murray Method Annual Reunion in Moscow, Russia

class of “professionals, teachers, psychologists, doctors, businessmen and women, economists, engineers, accountants, musicians, artists, students and professors, in which seven had a close family member become psychotic; twelve were sexually abused; thirteen were severely beaten by a parent as a child; five saw their fathers regularly beat their Spring 2016

od instructors and travel throughout the former USSR, often to remote places, taking with them the message of recovery to those still suffering. Each instructor is required to have two years of sobriety and six months free of smoking. In a Murray Method International Center video, A Pathway to Freedom, one instructor declared, “[Mari-

In Recovery Magazine

17

The Red Square - Moscow,Russia

Marilyn with her grandchildren

“Mimi, you have taught me to think big and not to be afraid of doing so. You have taken on two of the world’s biggest challenges: Mike Tyson and the country of Russia. You share your love and wisdom with this high profile man and the largest country in the world – both with similar problems and addictions. I learn from you daily and love you so much. Thank you.” – B.J. Richardson (Marilyn Murray’s grandson) lyn] got me from my knees to my feet.” Another took the Murray Method to Yakutsk, the capital city of the Russian Sakha Republic, located less than 300 miles south of the Arctic Circle.

As she spoke of her plans for a June 2016 return to Moscow, Murray said, “Russia may never be comfortable or convenient, but it will never be boring. I still have work to do. Myriads of people worldwide have inherited lives filled with pain . . . As multitudes of Russians have shared their hearts in our classes, I have gained a greater level of understanding regarding the enormity of the unique, harsh issues they have endured.”

and for [their] courage and strength as [they] commit to healing the deep wounds [they] carry, not only from the present, but from generations past.” She closes the book with these final words: “What legacy will you leave? You now have the opportunity to leave a wonderful legacy of health and balance – a pathway for others to follow.”

And so we do.

In her acknowledgements at the end of The Murray Method, Murray spoke of her “deep admiration of [my Russian students’ and friends’] incredible talents and abilities,

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In Recovery Magazine

As an internationally recognized educator, author and psychotherapist, Marilyn Murray has taught her Murray Method since 1983. Beginning in 2002, she has lived and worked halftime in Moscow teaching her method to health professionals and clergy throughout the former USSR. For more information about Marilyn Murray’s healing journey, and to support her ongoing work, visit her website murraymethod. ru. Her Murray Method seminars in the US are sponsored by The Meadows, 800.244.4949, and she provides consultations at Psychological Counseling Services, 480.947.5739.

Spring 2016

Spasskaya Tower in the Red Square, Moscow, Russia

Spring 2016

In Recovery Magazine

19

Wisconsin

by Christopher Flakus

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In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

I

met Jonathan after being moved from a holding cell into the back of the jail and assigned to a bunk. It was a 24-man tank. There were two rows of bunk beds on either side of the room with six rows in the middle and a few stainless steel chairs and tables bolted to the ground where men played cards, loudly slammed down their dominoes and ate jailhouse spreads concocted of instant soup and meat packs.

The beginnings of full-on heroin withdrawal were creeping up on me.

I was terrified of showing weakness in front of these men. I knew that jail was the one place on earth you could not afford to appear weak.

By the next morning, I was so sick it hurt just to sit down.

Jonathan was most definitely not the kind of guy who does well in jail. We all called him Wisconsin, because that’s where he was living when he was picked up. He had pending charges in Texas, so they drove him down to Texas in a paddy wagon. He said he only wished there had been a window in the wagon so he could have watched the world go by. “We must have passed some beautiful country,” he said with a sigh.

Wisconsin was a real character. He sang show tunes in the shower.

Once he sang The Star-Spangled Banner and Bankroll while showering.

A Mexican cat doing 25 years fell into a fit of laughter and yelled, “Hey, Wisconsin! You fixin’ to start a game in there or what!?”

Everyone made fun of Jonathan because, frankly, he was easy to make fun of. But he had a heart. He was a kind man, which was why he was not someone who did well in jail. Jail changes you; it squeezes the kindness out of you, drop by drop, until all that’s left is a broken animal pacing in a cage. Despite everything, Jonathan seemed to survive without changing.

He noticed me before I noticed him. One morning, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I assumed it was my cellmate waking me up. If one man slept in, the whole tank could lose television privileges. This doesn’t sound like a big deal; but the longer the TV was off, the more fights erupted.

When I looked up from the towel that doubled as a makeshift pillow, I was surprised to see Jonathan’s smiling face. He pointed to one of the steel tables in the dayroom where two coffee mugs sat. I recognized one as being mine. At first I felt angry that he had touched it without asking, but that feeling quickly subsided.

“Want to join me for a meeting?” he asked. My burning brain struggled to understand what the hell he was talking about. I was so defensive those first few days in there . . . anything said to me appeared to be an invitation to fight. After all, I was a new guy, and nobody knew anything about me except that I was a junky.

Wisconsin repeated his invitation, “Do you want to join me for a meeting? It would just be the two of us, but it might help you feel better – and the coffee is warm. I noticed you didn’t make commissary and . . . well, you probably haven’t had anything warm in your stomach for days.”

I was still in a fog, but the prospect of drinking something warm was enticing. I decided to trust Wisconsin.

As we sat down, Wisconsin asked me, “Have you ever attended a Narcotics Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous meeting before?”

“Once or twice a few years ago. It wasn’t for me,” I said, as I reached for my mug of coffee. I was hoping that would do the trick and he’d give up on this silly jailhouse meeting, but it only got him more excited.

walked in and unfurled his mattress on a top bunk. He looked like hell. He was thin and gaunt, sniffling that familiar sniffle and huddling under his grey wool blanket for warmth. He rarely got out of his bunk, not even to eat.

“I understand,” Wisconsin said, as he picked up a book and leafed through the first few pages. “Well, let me ask you this . . . do you have the desire to get clean?”

There was a fight the day he came in. A guy was being beaten up pretty badly, and the guards rushed in to break it up. The two fighting inmates had begun arguing over what TV show to watch – there was always some petty reason behind the violence.

I thought about this question as I sipped on the freezedried instant coffee in my plastic mug. The taste was off, but the warmth of that dark liquid was revitalizing. I think it may have been the best cup of coffee I had ever had in my life.

I thought about my last ten years since I had first begun using – using cautiously at first, then more frequently, until finally my whole life revolved around dope. Sitting there in a county jail in Texas, things sure looked bad. I realized I had finally found that bottom I had been searching for.

After what felt like a long time, I said, “Yes. I do.”

“Well, that’s all you need,” he said, as he sipped from his own mug and smiled that goofy smile of his. “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using.

Welcome. I believe God has great plans for you.”

I remember thinking, How the hell do you know God has great plans for me? How do you know that? You don’t even know me. Why are you trying to save me? If you knew me, you’d know better than to try. If you really knew me, you wouldn’t bother. I was full to the brim with negative selftalk, fueled by years of living sick without seeking help.

I was a mess, but Jonathan assured me there was an answer.

Wisconsin and I held our meetings every morning. He woke me up with my coffee mug filled, and little by little I came back to life. He became my first sponsor. Some of the other men laughed at us, but it didn’t bother me. Over time, a few even joined us for a meeting or two, but none ever stayed long. “Keep coming back,” Wisconsin would say.

For the first time, I felt sobriety was something attainable.

I admired his resolve. Even though he had landed in jail after relapsing, he didn’t seem discouraged. “I need this, now more than ever,” he said.

The jail provided inmates with Alcoholics Anonymous meetings that I attended as well, but those were few and far between – sometimes as little as once a month. And they lacked the power I felt working with Wisconsin and the other men in our tank.

One morning I heard his number called over the intercom, “Number 555035. Pack your stuff. You’re going home.”

I was on cleaning duty that night, and I noticed the new kid watching me with wide eyes as I mopped the blood off the dayroom floor. The blood had a sharp smell, like copper, that stung the back of my throat as I cleaned. The dirty grey suds in the bucket had turned into a dark reddish slop. It was startling to me how much blood a human being could lose and still manage to keep swinging.

I must have been desensitized at that point, because I didn’t feel much of anything about the fight. When I saw that poor kid looking terrified at the blood and the madness, it snapped me back into feeling . . . I remembered my first few days in the tank. I had been scared out of my wits.

I thought of my own long, painful withdrawal. I thought of Wisconsin and our daily meetings.

The next morning, I got up 20 minutes early, made my bunk and walked over to the kid’s bunk and took his mug, careful not to wake him up. I filled it a third of the way with freezedried grains of coffee, then filled my own and topped them both off with water. I didn’t know how he took his coffee, but I decided some sweetener and creamer would probably be in order. I stirred them and let them sit for a few minutes to cool down.

Long, blue tongues of steam licked up as the morning light poured in from the three window slits that ran across our quad. I fetched the AA Big Book from under my mattress and my pad of notebook paper. The intercom crackled, “Rack out! Rack out! Get out of your bunks! If I come in there and anyone’s still under their covers, you lose the TV tomorrow! Meds on the floor! If you take meds, get some water, fellas. It’s a beautiful day!”

The kid groaned and rolled over. His grey blanket was still pulled up to his ears, his lanky hair sticking out like scarecrow straw from underneath it. I tapped him on the shoulder. He sat up with a jolt and looked at me, scared and confused. It’s a beautiful day, I thought to myself.

“Hey kid,” I said. “Want to join me for a meeting?”

He had served his time; he was getting out. I was happy for Wisconsin, but I also felt a little sad and a little afraid.

When I asked him how I was supposed to keep working the program on my own, he said, “We can only keep what we have by giving it away.”

Christopher Flakus is a recovering addict, poet and writer from Houston, Texas. His work has appeared in The Refined Savage Review, Glass: A Journal of The Arts, Blackheart Magazine, L’Allure Du Monts and the addiction blog “Live Better Live Now.”

We eventually got a new crop of guys in our tank. A kid 22

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

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23

Why an Alcoh olic Shouldn’t Wri te a Memoir

by J.A. Wrig ht

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In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

P

erhaps you were once the type of alcoholicaddict who drank and used drugs the way I used to: as much and as often as possible.

Maybe you got comfortable driving under the influence as well as lying to friends and family about how much and how often you used. You may have been convinced at one time that you were a social drinker/user and may have been successful, like I was, at talking your way out of a DUI with a funny story about how you lost your pants.

Then again, you might have been secretly aware that you’d progressed into a problem or delusional drinker when you began to fantasize about finding a knight in shining armor who would whisk you away from your wretched life. So you pursued your dream, dressed up in something Kardashian and hit the town’s upscale bars with the hope of making a love connection with Brad Pitt or a Brad Pitt clone, or someone you could easily pretend was Brad. He always seemed to be just across the room and two drinks away from being approached by you with a proposition to go home with you, even though he was usually with a beautiful woman – a woman who wasn’t red-faced and dripping with sweat from dancing solo to Sweet Home Alabama and yelling “Ya wanna piece of this?” to the bouncer who didn’t allow smoking on the dance floor.

After the fantasy drinking phase grinds to a halt, most of us morph into solo couch drinkers. I hit this stage pretty early after my only girlfriend quit speaking to me because she swore I’d told a bartender she’d do something to him in return for a few free shots of tequila. I don’t recall saying that or recall why I decided to walk down the middle of the highway in my underwear later that night, but I’m sure it had something to do with the mix of tranquilizers and vodka I’d enjoyed earlier in the evening.

Drinking alone at home seemed way less dangerous than going out, and it sure was cheaper. I had fun for a few months until the primary side effect of chugging boxed wine took over. It’s called telephonitis, and the symptoms kick in after the sixth glass of wine or 11:00 pm, whichever came first. That was the magical hour when I’d stop watching TV and begin calling family, friends and former employers to let them know how horrible my life was, although I rarely remembered those conversations.

myself into a treatment center. For me, this phase of my life was like going through a luxury car wash and emerging clean and shiny – not knowing what to do next, but always eager to tell others all about it.

I set out to write a memoir. Fifteen years later, I was still working on it and hadn’t progressed much, mainly because a memoir requires facts; and I’ve always been short on those. If this story rings true for you and you’re considering writing a memoir, maybe you shouldn’t. Maybe writing a novel would be a better way to tell your story. It was for me.

I recently finished writing my first novel, but only after I gave up on my memoir plan. That was the same day I received a note from my sister telling me that while she’d enjoyed reading the draft chapters I’d sent her, she was certain that I’d confused the circumstances of a bad relationship breakup with the divorce of Nikki and Victor on The Young and the Restless.

She was right, and it became crystal clear that my biggest obstacle to finishing a memoir was my lack of memory. I’d been a blackout drinker from the getgo, even though I didn’t have a name for it until I got sober. Blackouts are strange things. Many times I’ve come to in strange places with some strange people, and I was always grateful if I discovered I was wearing clothes and wasn’t injured. But those moments of gratitude were quickly replaced by feelings of confusion and despair as I tried to piece together the missing hours.

Even now, after decades of being sober, I can’t say for sure that any of the situations I’ve included here actually took place the way I’ve described them, because I really don’t recall. But, I have become good at filling in the blanks in a way that seems reasonable to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not recommending that all alcoholics and addicts give up on writing a memoir.

But for those of us who struggle to recall what actually took place, I think a novel is in order. That way, you can live happily ever after with Brad Pitt and not get a nasty letter from his attorney.

After most everyone in my family stopped speaking to me, I did what many alcoholics do and checked Spring 2016

In Recovery Magazine

J.A. Wright was raised in the Pacific Northwest and moved to New Zealand in 1990. She is the founder and director of the World Buskers Festival (1994–2014) and the New Zealand Jazz and Blues Festival (1997–present). With more than 30 years in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction, she spent years crafting her recently published novel, How to Grow an Addict.

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The War

by Jamie E. Lopez

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In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

W

e were new to the barrio. I remember the first time my seven-year-old ears heard the words “drive-by shooting.” I was not frightened by those words; I just couldn’t comprehend their meaning. However, I was inquisitive and wondered what that meant for us. My mother explained their meaning to me as if she was describing a baseball game, without any emotion. Drive-by shootings were simply something we needed to be prepared for.

It didn’t occur to me to be afraid of these drive-bys – fear that I was no doubt entitled to in those moments. “We all need to sleep with our mattresses on the floor,” my mother would state. “There was a drive-by last night, and there will probably be more. If we’re on the floor, we’re safer from bullets.”

That ghetto embodied all that was biased and cruel – a demographic of people born into a nearly inescapable cycle of poverty, abuse, addiction and untreated mental illness. It was an impoverished part of the city that had been swept under the rug, ignored and blotted out by the rest of the community.

These ghettos, hoods and barrios still exist. It was then, and is still, easier for most people to look away because these ghettos appear to be too far gone to be helped. Taking a hard look at what is going on in these neighborhoods might mean they, too, must take responsibility for a broken system.

To look might mean to witness the way children in these neighborhoods become broken adults. To look might mean to identify what happens before the onset of mental illness, before addiction. To look might mean to witness the cycle of broken hearts meeting broken spirits and becoming broken minds – and in the end – becoming broken bodies, broken people and a broken nation. Our nation.

I’ve witnessed the confinement of this turf, and with it, the mentality of frustration and complete concession of any hope that anything could be different.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t just war on the streets; there was war within the walls of the house I called home. There was no reprieve from the violence, alcoholism, anger and grief. These were the pressures in that ’hood; these were the unresolved ailments of the people forced to call themselves adults. These were my parents.

For me, the war that existed on the inside did not go away as easily. To this day, it is alive and well in most of my family members. Its affect on me was profound.

The wars that raged on the outside were dependent on the wars that raged on the inside. The wars were united. There was a symbiotic relationship between those hard streets and the hardened hearts and souls living within them.

I never did become afraid of those drive-bys, but I did become afraid of my lack of choices. I had to take a long, troublesome journey into the abyss to discover my choices.

I searched for them down dark roads and nearly lost my life. In the end, my family and I did make it out. We are

Spring 2016

among the very few exceptions.

There are many measurable reasons why my family made it out while others don’t. We were not among the generation after generation of people born and raised in those ghettos.

We temporarily ended up in the ghetto; we did what we had to do, then got out.

As soon as I stopped self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, I began to suffer all-encompassing anxiety attacks that would last for weeks. It was as if my body had become permanently accustomed to feeling under attack; the feelings of panic were an integral part of me on a cellular level. As an adult, I learned that this phenomenon is very difficult to treat and often impossible to eliminate completely. Nevertheless, I moved courageously into the most compelling and full life I could create.

Two years ago, I visited that street again for the first time in 20 years – that street where the drive-bys and the wrongdoings took place; where we slept on mattresses on the floor; and where we learned about gangs. The street where we learned, purely by accident, whose turf we were on and how to stay alive because of it.

This was the street where my sister and I were hurt as children of six and eight, harmed by those to whom we looked for protection. The street that made two young children into adults. The street where the light in my eyes was taken away – where my innocence was taken, never to return again.

I visited that ghetto. I wanted to see where my apparitions had begun – the demons that breathed inside of me. When I arrived on that street, everything was gone.

At first, I wasn’t even sure I was in the right place. I looked all around – there were only dirt lots where our decrepit house used to sit. Bewildered, I thought that perhaps I had hallucinated this street, my stolen childhood, this horrific neighborhood. Then I realized the street had been bulldozed to the ground.

Anger welled within me. I was startled at its ferocity. I was angry that I wasn’t able to see with my adult eyes this barrio I had called home. I was angry that I wasn’t able to stand before the house and weep over that battlefield, angry that I couldn’t see it in the present to make it right-sized in my memories.

I wanted to stand before the house and see it as it had been – to see it as a woman, not as a child. I wanted to scream and sob. I wanted to throw stones and look the devil in the eye. I wanted to look that desecration in the eye and scream in its face. I wanted to curse it, then make peace with it. I wanted to show the seven-year-old me there was no longer anything to fear. I wanted to hurt again without the fear, without the undertaker present. I wanted to move that house out of my nightmares and into something more manageable. I wanted to know it was real and wasn’t real, all at the same time. I wanted closure.

Instead, I just wept. I got in my car and drove away.

In Recovery Magazine

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The peace I have sought has come in different ways throughout the years. But gradually and tenaciously, peace has found a home in my heart. Gratefully, my son does not have to live on a street where there are drive-bys. There are no wars in my son’s home.

If I do nothing else with my life, that gift of peace for my son will be enough.

Go fetch the latest issue!

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inrecoverymagazine.com IN R ECOV IN R E RY ECO VE MAG RY M AZIN AGA E ZINE

Excerpt from Rap, Race and Revolution

by Supreme Understanding Allah

Volume 13 Fall 2015

FA F A LL LL 2 0 1 5 2015

“Housing projects were designed as ‘housing experiments’ (thus the name ‘projects’). They were used to see how poor people would respond to living in cramped conditions. As the author of the important book From Niggas to Gods says, ‘. . . there are obvious natural consequences to putting hopeless creatures into conditions so cramped and desperate that few have enough resources to survive.

Studies show that if you put enough rats into small boxes with nothing else to do, they’ll have babies, but then they’ll run out of room.

Eventually they’ll begin killing each other, and even eat their young. And that’s what the projects, the ghetto, the hood, and the TRAP, are all about!’”

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Jamie Lopez is a writer, student, momma and humanitarian in Phoenix, Arizona. She cares deeply for the good of all human beings, and wants her writing to make an impact on society as a whole. She has been in recovery for seven years.

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Send resumes to Jacque Miller at jacque@inrecoverymagazine.com.

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Spring 2016

Harmonium

by Patrick Whelan

M

y final days of using weren’t to feel good or to party – because I hated what I had become. I was using to feel nothing. I had drifted into a world where I was living like a zombie. I was a walking dead man with no direction, no reason to exist and no faith in anyone or anything.

That hadn’t always been the case. In college, my friends and I enjoyed summers traveling to see the Grateful Dead and other musical acts. I never saw a single show without trying to time my buzz for precisely that moment when the lights went down and the band took the stage. It was as close as I could get to a Christmas thrill. I was hooked.

Over the next decade, I tried everything to hush the voices inside my head that told me I wasn’t good enough and would never amount to much of anything. Eventually, smoking cocaine fueled my rapid decline – drugs and alcohol removed their arms from around my shoulders and placed their hands around my throat. When the original Dead were done playing in 1995, I was in full-blown addiction that nothing could quench.

On December 6, 1996, I was the fortunate recipient of a family intervention that sold me on the drastic idea of going to treatment.

I quickly realized the program’s curriculum didn’t include teaching me how to smoke cocaine like a gentleman. In fact, they preached absolute abstinence and Twelve Step recovery.

At 30 years old and newly clean and sober, my loving family allowed me to move back into my childhood bedroom. But successive relapses soon pushed them to the brink of asking me to leave. Fearful of being homeless again, I attended my first Twelve Step meeting where I met several men who took me under their wings. One of those men approached me after the meeting 30

and said he was willing to be my temporary sponsor. Thus I fearfully began my journey into a new way of living.

Bruce M. and I began meeting every Friday night. Because I was unable read or comprehend much of anything, he read the Big Book to me every week. I took my last drink on November 25, 1997, and realized using was always going to make my situation worse, never better. After that night, I held onto my sobriety date as my most prized possession.

The summer of 1998 rolled around, and the concert season revved up. Bruce had assured me I could go anywhere and do anything I wanted to do, as long as I was willing to pay the consequences of my actions. But, I feared I would no longer be able to attend live music concerts.

I was wrong. That June, I attended the Telluride Bluegrass Festival and went to my first out-of-town Twelve Step meetings. In Ohio, later that year, I saw the first incarnation of the remaining members of the Grateful Dead. At that show, I attended my first set break meeting of the Wharf Rats.

At the “yellow balloon” Wharf Rat table, I met a few people who were to become lifelong friends.

They explained that the Wharf Rats were a group of Deadheads who chose to live drug-free. They offer support in an otherwise slippery environment and use the yellow balloons as a way to find one another.

I immediately felt welcomed and at home. Although the yellow balloon groups are not affiliated with any Twelve Step recovery program, most members are in recovery and speak the language of the heart.

The following summer, I returned to the Telluride Bluegrass Festival and again attended the Twelve Step meetings in town. There, I met people who were organizing a group of

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

They immediately wanted to know what they could do for us − and, suddenly, we were an official part of the Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival. From 2005 to 2007, we helped those same promoters at a festival in Las Vegas called Vegoose. They also invited us to serve from 2006 to 2008 at a festival in Miami called Langerado.

In 2012, we began to field more and more requests from other events. Today, we offer support to twelve North American music festivals and will be adding more to that list this year.

As a volunteer-driven organization, we are dependent on a group of fans in recovery who pay their way to these events and who buy their own food and lodging at festivals where there is no camping. They do this for the opportunity to participate with our team and to be of service. They staff yellow balloon tables at concerts around the country so others may enjoy live music while being clean and sober.

Bruce, my sponsor, had promised that if I worked and lived the Twelve Steps, I would have a spiritual awakening clean and sober String Cheese Incident (SCI) fans, called The Jellyfish. That weekend, we held yellow balloon set break meetings during the SCI concerts.

At the end of the festival, they invited me to be the group’s East Coast table coordinator. My responsibilities would be to secure two volunteers for all East Coast SCI concerts. In 2000, some of us helped organize a yellow balloon group for fans of Widespread Panic.

In 2002, when my yellow balloon friends and I heard about a new festival called Bonnaroo coming to central Tennessee that was headlining our favorite bands, we immediately made plans to support one another and enjoy the atmosphere and music, all in one place. This festival became an annual pilgrimage. The festival’s field operations people soon began to offer us space in a coffee tent each year. By 2005, we were receiving free admission to Bonnaroo in exchange for our service. We started calling ourselves “Soberoo.”

One winter day in 2008, I was invited to participate in a conference call with the festival owners and heads of security. I thought we were in trouble for naming our group Soberoo and became concerned about our future at Bonnaroo.

They asked me what we had been doing the last six years.

I explained that we provided a safe lounge for drug-free people attending Bonnaroo. After a moment of silence, one of them asked how many people were part of our group.

“We’ve had meetings with over 100 people,” I told him.

Another spoke up, “Let me get this straight. You are helping me sell 100 or more tickets every year to our festival?”

I laughed and said, “Yeah. I hadn’t thought of it like that, but I guess so.”

and would be free to contribute to life. That promise has come true. I am blessed to have lived the past 17 years in a community of many enthusiastic recovering people.

We have witnessed a huge increase in the number of events seeking our services as more promoters take an interest in our work. It became obvious that we needed to be better organized to ensure we could sustain our operation in the event of an unexpected incident or tragedy. So in 2013, a group of directors was assembled to begin the process of becoming a nonprofit corporation in order to raise funds to cover insurance and other expenses. Last year, we received official status as a 501(c)(3) and took the name Harmonium.

Every festival has a uniquely-named space in keeping with its theme where we offer harmony through music and recovery. Look for yellow balloons and some sober signage

at these shows. There you will find smiling faces − and rest assured, we will be the most happy, joyous and free people at that event.

2016 Harmonium Festival Schedule Beyond Wonderland SoCal Consciousness Group Lightning in a Bottle Lightning Without a Bottle Governor’s Ball Music Festival Sober Ball Electric Daisy – New York Consciousness Group Bonnaroo Soberoo Electric Daisy Carnival – Las Vegas Consciousness Group Forecastle Music Festival Sober Sailing Lollapalooza Sober Side Nocturnal Wonderland Consciousness Group Lockn’ Music Festival SoberLockn’ Beyond Wonderland – Bay Area Consciousness Group Electric Daisy – Orlando Consciousness Group

Patrick Whelan was born and raised in Louisville, Kentucky, and is a graduate of the University of Kentucky. He has two younger sisters. One sister is a homicide detective and regular on an A&E series called The First 48 and the other is a retired principal dancer for the New York City Ballet. Whelan has worked in sales his entire professional life. He has worked the past eight years for a family-owned coffee and tea importing business. For more information about Harmonium visit harmoniuminc.com.

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In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

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United Kingdom

Confused, Befuddled, Bedraggled

by Clare Kennedy

T

here I was – on a park bench, confused, befuddled, bedraggled and in my Jimmy Choos. I’d just returned from my first Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting. This surely couldn’t be what they’d meant by “life beyond your wildest dreams!” My name is Clare, and I hadn’t planned on being an alcoholic.

In Al-Anon, I was told that maybe I should check out AA to clear up my confusion about always identifying with the drinking alcoholic stories in the family meetings. And, why, oh why, when I stopped drinking, couldn’t I stay stopped?

So, how did I finally get to AA? Was it my weeklong stay in a Saudi Arabian jail for being at an illegal drinking party? No. Or when, after a blackout, I found myself coming ’round on a Spanish traffic island in the middle of a motorway with all four tires popped and blood everywhere? No. The mad, and sometimes fabulous, stories could go on forever; but it was a simple moment of clarity that actually got me started.

I was hungover and trying to get some food in me. I was shaking so much that I dropped the egg I was trying to boil. That was it! It was an “is this the life I want?” moment.

It was the first time I ever fell to my knees and sobbed the truth, “I need help. Please, God, help me.”

As I looked up at that moment, I saw two lists of meetings, one for Al-Anon and one for AA. Above my pitiful sobs, I heard a quiet voice whisper, “Go to a meeting.” I thought, Yes, those Al-Anon meetings always make me feel better. But that little voice whispered again, “What about going to an AA meeting?”

I was married to a wonderful man.

However, at the time, I would have happily traded him in for a bag of chips. Kevin’s a famous actor here in the United Kingdom, 20 years in the world’s longest running soap, Coronation Street; and I was his glamorous wife. I would tell people I was in PR; but in truth, I was a great blag (con) artist, among other things.

And so I did. The meeting was a revelation – I was home; I’d found my tribe. I rushed back to my beautiful penthouse apartment to tell the world, especially my husband, that I finally knew what was wrong with me. I found my husband drunk and unconscious. Up reared my old coping mechanisms. Right! I’ll show you!

Off I went to get my booze, but fortunately the little voice returned, “Ring that lady from the AA meeting.”

My journey into recovery started 19 years ago. I still have to pinch myself. My first stop was an Al-Anon family meeting. This was to be the very beginning of my awakening – the first place I heard about this killer condition and, more surprisingly, that there was a solution.

It took me two years of coming back, listening and learning, before I realized that drinking at your passed-out alcoholic husband was not normal behavior. It was here I finally heard, “Stop pointing the finger and blaming others for the way your life turned out. Every time you do, there are also three fingers pointing back at you and one pointing up at the solution. You’re the only person you can do anything about.”

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I listened. I bypassed the fridge and rang Gywn, a lady I would never meet again. She told me to calm down, which I did. I thought she would tell me how to deal with my drunken husband, but she didn’t. She simply said, “I’m not here to help your husband, I’m here to help you. Are you an alcoholic?” “Yes,” I whispered. Gywn continued, “So pick yourself up. Step over your husband and get the f--k out of there, or you’ll either die or kill your husband.” That was true; that was exactly what could have happened.

I ran from that penthouse like the devil himself was chasing me. There I was on that park bench with my Jimmy

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

“We believe passionately in the power of ideas to change attitudes, lives, and ultimately, the world. We have built a clearinghouse that offers knowledge and inspiration from the [United Kingdom’s] most inspiring storytellers, advocates and modern day heroes – a community of curious souls who enjoy each other and engage in ideas.”

Clare Kennedy

Choos, no money, no place to go, but with my life and my one-day-old sobriety intact. That day, I traded in the Jimmy Choos and the extravagant lifestyle.

user-led production and media agency helping businesses and nonprofit organizations identify and develop creative talent.

Nowadays, I focus on the solution. That’s what keeps me happy and healthy.

Our company, run by and for people in active recovery from drug and alcohol addictions, promotes sustainable, asset-based community development as well as green and conservation initiatives. In addition, we provide peer-led support, education and informal access to information, as well as a range of workshops, courses, and social and visual recovery activities. We help clients focus on becoming self-supporting by offering training, retraining and volunteer opportunities that ultimately lead to employment.

Today, I’m passionate about recovery, not just about the Twelve Steps, but all routes to recovery. My skill set from my previous life – manipulation, stealing and dealing – were transferable skills when applied in an unselfish, productive way.

I’m productive – all for the greater good. I am a fulltime mummy. I dedicate two days a week to the community and also run an executive recovery coaching practice three days a week, where I work with professionals who are high-functioning addicts.

My husband, Kevin, is now in long-term sobriety. He and I are sourcing funding for a permanent nonprofit, an alternative social space with a live-streaming studio and a dry bar – think TED Talks, but ours are recovery talks.

Throughout the year, we participate in local events that help grassroots recovery initiatives to be seen and heard.

We help companies and individuals communicate a transparent agenda for change and help them share their vision with the world.

After many years of volunteering and working in the recovery field, Kevin and I realized that recovering people have many hidden assets that should be revealed to the world. Together, we started Kennedy St. & Co., a nonprofit, Spring 2016

In Recovery Magazine

Clare Kennedy is an addiction/recovery consultant in Hove, East Sussex, England. She is executive producer and presenter at Kennedy Street Production Company and co-director of Kennedy Street & Co. Community Interest Company. She and her husband, Kevin Kennedy, record and stream recovery-oriented talks that offer hope, inspiration and recovery options.

35

South Africa

In the Cradle of Humankind

by Jeremy Behrmann

I

f you’re in any doubt about where you came from, take a DNA test with the National Geographic’s Genographic Project. It will show you the exact route your ancestors’ bloodline travelled as humanity migrated around the world. According to our genes, it also shows that no matter what route your ancestors took, all of our journeys began in Africa. People often say that if the earth was a body, Africa would no doubt be its heart. Wild and raw, it is the perfect arena to witness both humanity’s light and shadow.

I was living in Cape Town, right on the tip of the African continent, when I answered that final test question that opened the door to my awareness of both addiction and recovery.

Often we don’t want to look inside ourselves. But because my mother had been an active alcoholic for almost 40 years, I walked straight through that door. I hated her drinking with a passion, yet my denial was so embedded that I couldn’t see that I was behaving in the exact same way: getting into fights, exhibiting vitriolic anger and medicating myself out of reality. I was just 23.

During my difficult childhood, rebellious adolescence and destructive early adulthood, I was completely lost and unhappy. The need to escape my mother’s alcoholism and the desire to embrace the freedom of my youth resulted in me roaming all over the world.

36

Throughout my journey, addiction had become my traveling companion. Even though we were still together, I realized my instincts and values had become completely warped.

It was upon returning to my native South Africa, the Cradle of Humankind, home to some 40 percent of the world’s human ancestor fossils, I acknowledged the most primal parts of my being. Through fear and having banished myself to a solitary void filled with anger and self-absorption, I found myself trying to reconnect with my heart and with my tribe.

In some cases, it was too late. My father had died of cancer at the height of my addiction. Even though I was with him when he passed, we had grown distant because of my disease; and many important words went unsaid. My mother was still “out there” and unable to comprehend my recovery.

The Twelve Step fellowship became my tribe; and through their love, support and accountability, I started to feel that I was retreating from the edge.

The Cradle of Humankind is one of eight South African UNESCO World Heritage Sites. Other sites include the stunning Cape Floral Region – home to some of the richest plant biodiversity in the world, and Robben Island, where

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

Nelson Mandela was incarcerated for 27 years and where democracy and freedom finally triumphed over oppression and racism.

It was amid this rich backdrop and among South Africa’s natural amphitheatres – with forests and mountains of the most astonishing beauty – that I had my first conversation with what would become my Higher Power.

Without the haze of my destructive lifestyle, I felt fully present for the first time in my life – taking in the freshness of the forest, the sweet smell of pine and the tranquil beauty of crystal streams glinting in the sunlight. I had experienced nature many times before, but this feeling was different; something was shifting. I was connecting with new parts of myself through the consciousness of recovery.

Having felt like an outcast with no direction or worth, being in nature gave me a sense of purpose on the most basic level. I was alive, and therefore had a function in this dynamic web of energy.

But my ability to survive and thrive depended on how well I harmonized my values with everything around me – how well I lived with balance, adaptation, authenticity and acceptance.

Through my addiction, I had lost touch with these natural laws, these spiritual principles. Yet in every encounter with them, I understood their place within the fabric of society and as the glue that would allow me to rebuild relationships.

The mental, emotional and physical space taken up by my addiction started to dissipate, and a profound sense of vitality and serenity emerged very naturally in its place.

With it came sensitivity to my life’s challenges and difficult emotions. Those feelings of pain, suffering and loss, which I had previously escaped through drugs and alcohol, now presented me with a full life experience.

How could I apply this newly found sense of purpose to my life in the real world? How could I confront society without my masks? I had to understand what it meant to enjoy love, friendships and meaningful work with authenticity. I had to accept who I was.

was very scary. As destructive as my addiction was, at least I knew who I was, what people expected of me and how I could satisfy my selfish needs. As fantastical and fleeting as they were in reality, the illusions of glamour, power and greed were a cave I had refused to leave.

Now, pushed into the open by the light of sobriety and the safety of my fellowship, I had discovered a vocation that was based on my new values.

It was not easy. Not only were there gaping holes in my résumé, but the working world had changed. There was more competition; expensive degrees no longer guaranteed a job; technology was disrupting industries everywhere; and global recessions were constantly shifting the goalposts.

At the same time, there were many examples of people pioneering creative and valuable endeavors. The scale of career options was overwhelming, and I struggled to see a way forward.

I needed direct experience so I could renew my passions, understand my abilities and appreciate the interests that would be the gateway to a valuable new career.

With clear Steps and Traditions, the Fellowship instilled in me the belief that I could be a productive member of a community. Yet in the quest to discover work that was meaningful to me as an individual and valuable to society, I would once again have to embark on a new adventure on my own.

Standing at the boarding gates of the airport, I was saying goodbye to my family and friends. I was leaving Cape Town, the cocoon of my recovery, so I could see what was over the horizon and explore my vocation.

Returning to the Cradle of Humankind had been the most amazing experience of my life. It gave me the opportunity to embrace my journey and discover what it means to be human. Most importantly, as I set sail into a new stage of my life, it gave me what would become my lighthouse – the gift of recovery.

Addiction had made my world so small, my identity so limited and my willingness to change so stagnant that what I was going to do with my life beyond just staying sober Spring 2016

In Recovery Magazine

Jeremy Behrmann is a career coach and the author of Breakaway, a journal of his recovery and his quest to discover a vocation. He helps people in recovery discover meaningful careers that support their longterm sobriety. You may visit his website at timetobreakaway.com.

37

Ireland

The Tide is Turning

by Nicola O’Hanlon

M.V. Photography / Shutterstock.com

T

he Irish love of alcohol and drinking excessively is no secret. In fact, if you mention that you’re Irish, people automatically assume you’re a drinker – indeed, the vast majority of us are. As an Irish woman in recovery from multiple addictive behaviors, most notably alcohol, I’m abundantly aware of Ireland’s issues.

Our problems are well documented by endless statistics from one national survey or another. It is not an exaggeration to say that most, if not all, families in Ireland are in some way touched by addiction. What the statistics don’t show are the numbers of people in recovery in Ireland. The best way to discover the health of our recovering community is to speak both to those in recovery and those who run recovery programs.

Mainstream media focuses on sensational and tragic stories that produce either an outcry of pity or of disgust. These stories often paint negative pictures of people struggling with addiction. There needs to be a balance; media should also report the many poignant and inspiring stories of people who do recover.

I chose to visit the Finglas Addiction Support Team (FAST) in Dublin because of the progressive aspect they employ in their recovery projects. FAST is one of hundreds of local government-funded projects throughout Ireland helping people leave behind their addictions and find new lives. They retrain individuals, enabling them to gain 38

employment. They also provide support, counseling, group therapy and Twelve Step meetings for both addicts and families.

I asked Andy Robertson, addiction counselor and psychotherapist with FAST, what he thinks are the most popular drugs used in Ireland today. Alcohol and marijuana topped his list, but he noted a recent increase in prescription drug abuse. Heroin usage has declined, but is still a problem in inner city areas. Andy also mentioned the untold damage caused by a shift in Irish culture from drinking in pubs to drinking at home. Because of the availability of low-cost alcohol, there are more people drinking excessively than ever before.

FAST, in conjunction with Dublin City University, offers Sober Coach Training for people in long-term recovery.

While this program is well established in America, it is only just beginning in Ireland. The primary recovery focus here is around the Twelve Step model, although a growing number of people are seeking solutions outside those parameters. I spoke with two incredible women participating in the FAST project who are now sober coaches.

Sharon, age 39, first began using heroin at age 15. She is now three years into a flourishing recovery. Sharon shared, “Because I was told methadone was the only treatment available, I remained in addiction for 23 years. It’s very

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

difficult to find a doctor who supports non-maintenance.

I was told I was a ‘lifer’ and would never be free of drugs.”

Sharon persevered and eventually found a doctor who was willing to help her stop taking methadone. She is now drug free and has hopes and dreams for her future. She said, “I want to continue my education in the recovery field and help more people.”

At 45 years old and in her fourth year of recovery, Loraine strongly agreed with Sharon about the lack of support for total abstinence. “Methadone kept me sick,” she said. “I was barely functional on the methadone maintenance program and, like Sharon, I didn’t want to live that way anymore.”

Eventually, Loraine found the same doctor and was able to get off methadone.

Both women facilitate groups helping others find new lives. “Having positive role models in the community is vital to overcoming drug and alcohol addiction,” Loraine explained. “Where I grew up, use of drugs and alcohol was considered normal and okay. It was everywhere.”

These women are examples of positive role models sowing the seeds of societal recovery in Ireland. They overcame huge losses during their active addiction and now are beaming with hope, confidence and a drive to give back.

“The media doesn’t help.

Too often we hear the horrible stories of active addiction, but where are the stories about us?”

Loraine exclaimed. She’s right. We don’t see the stories about parents raising the next generation in drug and alcohol-free homes – leading their children by example. Stories such as Loraine’s and Sharon’s give hope to those who feel there is no way out.

I also met with Paul O’Brien of the Cornmarket Project in my hometown of Wexford, Ireland. This project supports the psychosocial model of recovery rather than the Twelve Step model. Paul explained, “We view the client as the expert, and we are here to facilitate their goals and further learning.”

The Cornmarket Project encourages people to see themselves as more than a label. Self-esteem is promoted through learning new skills and active participation in the community. Participants see the service as a training program rather than as drug rehabilitation. The program caters to people in all stages of recovery with support to reintegrate into society. With their open-door policy, there is a counselor available for new clients whenever needed.

landscape has increased with newer types of drugs taking [heroin’s] place.”

Males, from all socioeconomic classes and between the ages of 18 and 34, make up the majority of the Cornmarket Project’s population. Paul explained, “We don’t see as many women participating, largely because of the lack of support around childcare.” Fortunately, there will be new funding coming that will supply 80 percent of the childcare costs for women accessing the project’s services.

The stigma surrounding women in addiction and recovery prevents many from seeking help. In my conversations with thousands of women over my six years in recovery, the biggest deterrent has been the fear of people finding out, and the rejection and abandonment that often follows.

Paul maintained that the biggest need in our society to prevent the spread of addictive behavior is societal education regarding mental and emotional health.

The Irish are still quite blasé regarding the extent of the addiction issue, particularly with regard to alcohol abuse.

Messages from our government don’t cultivate feelings of security. Extreme austerity measures have left vital services like the FAST and Cornmarket Projects with less funding each year. People are losing their homes and struggling to find work, contributing to an upsurge in the abuse of alcohol and drugs.

Despite the challenges, the recovery community in Ireland is alive and well. Due to strong Twelve Step fellowships, rehab facilities, dedicated facilitators of drug projects and the inspiring stories of people such as Sharon and Loraine, there is hope for all who struggle with addiction.

Public forums often ignore our stories of strength, encouragement and recovery. Positive conversations about addiction and recovery inspire others and begin to dispel the stigma, shame and ignorance.

The tide is finally turning; there is new life and enthusiasm surfacing in our recovery communities and around the world. Find others who will support you in telling your story. Together we can change the world.

From Paul’s perspective, the country’s biggest substance abuse problems are with alcohol and prescription drugs.

“There has been a big decline in heroin use, but the drug Spring 2016

In Recovery Magazine

Nicola O’Hanlon lives in Wexford, Ireland. She is EditorIn-Chief of iloverecovery.com, part of the intherooms. com community. Her work has been published in several recovery magazines, including Recovery Today, In Recovery Magazine, AfterPartyChat.com and Reach Out Recovery. She has ten stories of addiction published in Hearts & Scars and The Girl God, a series of books about the Divine Feminine. She is also a reflexologist, massage therapist and energy healer.

Her passion is helping people discover that wellness starts with self-empowerment.

39

Everyday Miracle

by Maetta Broadus

M

y name is Maetta Broadus, and my road to recovery began over 23 years ago on July 5, 1992. My last day of using drugs and alcohol was February 10, 2007.

Between July 1992 and my sobriety date, I recorded 19 different dates in my attempts to remain sober. That vicious cycle of one more attempt and one more failure is a relevant part of my recovery process. In 1992, I realized that my $1,500-a-day habit was a problem. I finally realized I could no longer maintain selfcontrol and had not been able to for the previous God-onlyknows-how-many years.

I was born into an impoverished, single-parent family where alcohol was an acceptable commodity. That, and having memories of molestation from the age of two, I used drugs and alcohol to cope and to be brave. Alcohol allowed me to escape the turmoil and torment of my own perceptions of being an ugly, poor, non-virgin, daddyless rejected little girl. It allowed me to live with myself in this cruel world.

In the first and second grades, I would drain my lunchbox thermos and fill it with alcohol from discarded bottles in alleys behind the liquor stores and taverns on my way to school. To my thinking, I gained self-control at age nine by going to the library, where I learned about virginity and sex. I looked for ways to make the most of my experiences of past molestation. At age eleven, I decided to take control by becoming a prostitute.

In elementary school, my disruptive behavior had caused me to be expelled from the third, fourth and sixth grades. When out of school, I would walk around different neighborhoods and sneak into peoples’ homes to find liquor to satisfy my craving for alcohol. At the tender age of eleven, I was a petty thief, a prostitute-in-training and was experimenting with any mindaltering substance I could find.

By the time I was twelve, I was a full-blown alcoholic. As my profession grew and I made more money, drinking wasn’t enough. I needed something stronger to shore up my defenses.

I supplemented the alcohol with men, money, marijuana, speed and acid.

I believed I could become normal if I could love someone who loved me back. A childhood friend was growing up to be so cute.

Alcohol and weed were his best friends. We fell madly in puppy love. Yes, this can work for me and get me together, I thought.

shutterstock.com/gallery-arindambanerjeeial

I became pregnant at 14. For the first time in ten years and for the whole nine months, I did not put any alcohol in my body; I delivered a healthy baby boy. To celebrate, my baby’s daddy brought me a bottle of Boone’s Farm wine, which I quickly drank – even before I had held my baby. I thought that was normal – to celebrate!

Now that I was a mother, school was a hindrance. I felt grownup. Because I had a habit to feed and a baby (my mom took care of), I needed to work. I quit school to work at a bar and grill nightclub. I brought bottles of expensive liquor home, and the patrons made me propositions I couldn’t refuse. Needless to say, I got fired.

However, I had discovered a new group of potential clients. All I had to do was dress up and go to the nightclubs. Drinking, drugging and dancing were luxuries I enjoyed while getting paid to perform services.

I needed more money so I could afford the expensive tastes I had acquired through my business – a business that was dwindling because I had developed a reputation for being a drunk and a thief. Stealing cars and selling them out of state brought good money for a few months. Suddenly, I had a moment of clarity in the midst of the madness: I needed an education so I could teach my baby not to give up on life.

At 18, I went back to school and graduated when I was 21. My son was six. A year later, I married a man who was my mirror image; though his disease was hidden while mine was very apparent.

He supported my addiction until he realized it was more than he could afford. I had his two babies and continued my habits of alcohol and weed. When I was able, I snorted cocaine; then I began smoking crack cocaine. My life went downhill from there.

the next six years I developed a $1,500-a-day crack cocaine habit.

I found recovery through the back door. I had tried doing it “my way” for so many years and in so many different ways, but nothing had worked. I had cheated, prostituted, lied, stolen and kept secrets. I had been closed-minded, egotistical, paranoid and filled with self-hatred. Last but not least, I had held onto my past.

Someone suggested I get a mental assessment. Apprehensively, I followed through with this suggestion and found a foundation for my recovery. I received five years of effective professional counseling.

After I had four-and-a-half years of continuous sobriety, my ex-husband died. I relapsed for one day. Not even $3,500 worth of crack and liquor could console me or give me the high I was seeking. On February 8, 2007, I finally learned that being truly high meant feeling the effects of life on life’s term without any mind- or mood-altering substances. I accepted and surrendered to my innermost self that I am an alcoholic. I chose to be who I am without any drugs or alcohol. Only a Power greater than myself could deliver me.

Everything about me has changed. I love me today. I love me some Maetta, just as I am. Exactly as I am! I have been reborn.

That which was meant to dim my shine, instead brightened my future so others could draw strength from me. Today, I am under the influence of “Our Father Which Art in Heaven.”

I divorced my husband, starved my dog to death, sent my three children to Mama’s and ran hard. On top of my alcoholism, over

Spring 2016

In Recovery Magazine

Maetta Broadus is a survivor, a conqueror, a crusader and, above all, a champion in Louisville, Kentucky. With her sponsor of 23 years, she is now in long-term recovery with eight years of solid, continuous sobriety. She is a loyal, loving caregiver to her 80-plus-year-young mother and her two grandsons, ages four and seven.

She is a four-time breast cancer survivor of ten years.

Maetta is a board member for People Advocating Recovery and openly crusades to remove the stigma associated with recovery.

41

Going to Great Lengths

by Kay Luckett

“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

G

etting out of denial and into recovery was a blessing.

I had written an autobiographical inventory that I read aloud to my sponsor. It sounded like vignettes about an unpredictable and bizarre person. While listening to what I was reading, I had a moment of clarity. I realized beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I was indeed an alcoholic, and that the next door I needed to open would be into a Twelve Step meeting.

I have been walking through those doors many times a week for 18 years, even on days when I really could talk myself out of going. I go anyway – just because the meetings are mere minutes from my front door, but because not going to meetings can become a dangerous habit.

When I am there, I see my recovery “family,” which consists of people I have grown to love and trust. I always hear something I need to hear, and I am often able to give something to someone else. Either way, it is a gift given and received.

Some of my most interesting and exciting experiences have been visiting Twelve Step meetings while traveling.

I have attended meetings from California to New Orleans to Seattle. I was even a member of a home group in the French Quarter where I experienced Southern hospitality at its best. Because of the personal nature of recovery and the warm connections I have found there, I have made friends all around the country.

The first time I visited my son and his family while they were living in Japan, I attended an international recovery

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meeting. There was only one meeting per week in Nagoya, the largest city in the state of Aichi, which was adjacent to my son’s home in Toyota City. The meeting was two hours and many miles away, that meant we had to catch a train on Sunday at 5:00 pm in order to make the 7:30 pm meeting.

My son and I finally arrived and found two Twelve Step meetings – one in Japanese, the other in English. The tiny room for the Japanese meeting had six attendees and was filled with smoke. We chose the English meeting, which had only one person.

Mike was an American living in Japan with his wife and family, and was active in recovery. He told us he showed up for this meeting every week, and every week he sat there alone, holding the space for anyone who might show up.

He would always end up reading recovery material to himself; and in that way, he kept up an ongoing service commitment.

Because we were there, Mike had a story to tell. His wife was an addict who refused to get help. His story was heartbreaking, though not unusual. We just listened as he talked. Our time with Mike was a variation on what is referred to as a Twelve Step call. This is a visit made to an individual based on “. . . the assumption that another human being’s life is at stake.” Although on the surface this didn’t seem to be the exact situation, it was indeed a genuine cry for help.

How grateful we were to be able to be there at that moment.

We listened to Mike’s story and helped by merely being present. He conveyed his sense of isolation as a foreigner and his struggle with addiction in his marriage. We were

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

able to give back to him what we had so freely received in our own recovery: fellowship and a listening ear. We also told Mike about telephone and online meetings all around the world, so he never has to take his recovery journey alone.

The cost of that four-hour round trip was 40 dollars per person, but the outcome was priceless to all three of us.

That memory inspires me with a grateful heart for the easy access we have to our Twelve Step recovery meetings, our fellowship, sponsors, phone calls and the many available service opportunities.

Life in recovery is a joyful experience and a reason to celebrate each and every day. Let’s celebrate our friendships and recovery families with a delicious meal. Please enjoy my recipe for Asian burgers with slaw. どうぞめしあがれ

Asian Style Grilled Turkey Burgers ¼ cup rice vinegar ¼ cup soy sauce 12 shiitake mushrooms, stems removed (if you use dried mushrooms, soak to reconstitute) 6 scallions, trimmed 1 ½ lbs ground turkey 1 egg, beaten ¼ cup Panko bread crumbs 2 Tbs soy sauce ¼ tsp ground ginger Nonstick cooking spray

Heat barbeque grill to medium high.

Please enjoy your meal!

Kay Luckett has been in recovery since 1997. She writes about her personal experiences in recovery and shares a recipe from her previous life as the owner of Memorable Occasions Catering in Los Angeles, California. She produced and catered events while drunk for over 20 years. Kay is a certified life coach and may be reached at 928.499.5027 or at kayskitchen@inrecoverymagazine.com.

Mix rice vinegar and ¼ cup soy sauce in a small bowl; set aside.

Quarter four shiitake mushrooms and two scallions; pulse in food processor until finely chopped.

Add to ground turkey along with one egg, the bread crumbs, 2 Tbs soy sauce and the ginger.

Add the rice vinegar mixture slowly, as you may not need it all. Gently mix to combine.

Shape into four 1” thick burgers. Chill for about 30 minutes until firm.

Brush grill grate with oil. Spray burgers and remaining mushrooms and scallions with nonstick spray – coat well.

Grill burgers for 12 to 14 minutes, turning only once, until they have an internal temperature of 165 degrees. Put remaining mushrooms and scallions directly on the grill with the burgers and cook until they are tender and nicely grill-marked, turning once, about five to eight minutes total. Remove from grill and set aside.

Serve burgers with mushrooms and scallions.

Dress burgers with mayonnaise and mustard, and serve with Asian coleslaw. (See slaw recipe on my website at monarchlifecoach.com).

Spring 2016

In Recovery Magazine

43

Ireland

Coming Alive

by Yvonne Hickey

“Alcohol is an active chemical process. It changes nearly every part of our brain. Since our brain is who we are alcohol does not simply let out our true, unchanged selves. It changes who we are.”

Nicholas Clairmont, A Drunk Mind Speaks A Sober Heart

O

n the morning of September 10, 2014, I awoke to hol to take over my life for 20-some years. I needed somemy roommate knocking on my bedroom door. thing more powerful than alcohol to release me from this “You okay?” she called. I rumbled a shaky, “Yes, I’m addiction. I looked back at the mirror and saw the outline good, thank you.” I listened as she went back to her room of a twelve-year-old staring back at me. She was a harsh and closed the door.

“Alcohol’s effect on the brain causes severe reminder that I had become My head was pounding and a psychological and emotional distortions of the my father. nauseating, sour taste of beer normal personality. Sobriety reveals the alcoholic’s I grew up in Ireland in the remained in my mouth from true personality.”

1980s, where alcohol conthe night before. I lay back James R. Milam, PhD and Katherine Ketcham, Under the Influence: sumption was rampant. I had down, wanting my feelings A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism my first taste of alcohol when of helplessness to consume I was four years old. Every my mind and body. A wave of shame poured over me as week, my father let us sample his homemade wine. At nine, I remembered the events of the previous night. my mother gave me a glass of her homemade cold remedy I thought I would feel better if I threw some water on my of hot whiskey and cloves to free me of a chest cold. Each face, so I got up and headed for the bathroom. I let the night, I watched my father hunched over his bowl of cereal coolness of the water take refuge on my skin. An affirma- and wondered if this would be the night he toppled into it. tion taped to the mirror was staring back at me. It read, His loud belches released the sour smell of red wine.

“I am a capable woman.” I laughed to myself, a “capable woman” I was not. I felt disgust for that woman in the mirror.

I had just thrown away six months of sobriety as easily as I would an empty beer can, and for what? I wondered how I had gotten to this low point in my life.

At age twelve, I was confirmed in the Catholic Church. This coming-of-age ceremony was an opportunity to take the pledge and vow to abstain from alcohol until the age of 18.

My sister and I chose not to take that pledge.

In the early hours of the morning, I had sent endless emails to my friend. Rereading my emails while sober was daunting – angry words, words that destroyed our friendship.

I promised myself I would never end up like my father, but I had already experienced the magic of alcohol. I was already learning to be like my father. Even at that young age, my question was, “Why should I stop now?”

Alcohol had changed me. I had allowed the power of alco-

In 1995, I immigrated to America. I spent the next two de-

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In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

cades in a downward spiral. My emotions and feelings were trapped inside of me. I self-medicated as though I were some kind of human fermentation tank.

Over the years, I had worked on sobriety a number of times, wrestling with sobriety chips, gaining ground many times, only to relapse equally as many times. The six-month yellow chip seemed as unlucky for me as the number 13.

The more I relapsed, the worse I felt the next day. It was not the hangover that bothered me, but the disgrace I felt over hurting the people I cared about. When I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I felt overwhelming shame.

On September 10, 2014, I once again began my journey of sobriety. The first couple months were easy, and I didn’t have any cravings. But by the third month, my emotions were exploding – my patience was gone and my temper was worse.

I had self-medicated for so many years. My problems had never gone away; instead, they had just festered in the background. The oft-quoted words “How’s that working for you?” rang in my head. It wasn’t working for me.

alcohol craving. This has become my visual Higher Power.

When things become too much, I remind myself to stay in the present, remembering that the past was yesterday, this moment is now and out there is tomorrow. I must accept something I can’t handle and tell myself, Let go and let God. When I do this, somehow it sends waves of warmth around my heart. It feels right. I have successfully finished my first year of sobriety and am looking forward to year two.

I realize sobriety comes with a price, though maybe I should say it’s priceless. For the first time in my life, I am experiencing frustration and tears, joy and laughter – sometimes all in the same moment. Walking through these emotions has been unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, and I will treasure the experience forever.

Many thanks to the two women who make all this possible: C. V. Snow, my good friend who helped me open my eyes and directed me to AA, and Erin Campbell, my sponsor.

Originally from Dublin, Ireland, Yvonne Hickey and her twin sister recently became United States citizens. Vonny is currently a restaurant manager in Georgia. In her spare time, she loves to write.

For the first time in 20 years, I began the unfamiliar task of learning how to feel my feelings. As the alcohol left my body and brain, my emotions began to reflect my true feelings.

After attending Twelve Step meetings two to three times a week, I finally found a sponsor and started working the Steps with her. On our first meeting, she caught my attention with these words: “The past was yesterday; this moment is now.” With a sweeping gesture, she continued, “Out there is tomorrow. So let’s just enjoy the present – this moment.” That was my first full understanding of living in the now and making friends with mindfulness.

I had to find a power stronger than alcohol, a Higher Power. I was convinced it would never happen. How could I have a Higher Power stronger than alcohol? Where was this entity that claimed to be more powerful than my alcohol addiction? I didn’t believe it.

I continued with the Steps and still did not have this Higher Power that everyone was talking about. Then one evening after a discussion with a friend, she made the comment, “Let go and let God.” I researched that term, but could never fully understand it.

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Time passed. I continued attending my meetings, picked up kickboxing and fell in love with running. I want to break through the runner’s wall and bask in whatever that feeling is on the other side. Just like in Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song,” I will take my life back and make up for the 20 years I gave to alcohol.

(888) 391-9772

www.blueprintsforrecovery.com

A few months ago, the phrase “Let go and let God” popped up again. But this time, I finally understood what it meant.

This power was so effective that it could overtake any Spring 2016

In Recovery Magazine

45

Italy

Grazie, Non Beviamo

by Mary Goodrich

O

ur leasing agent pointed up to the delightfully colored houses layered on the cliff face at the coastal end of the Apennine Mountains. It was late afternoon and the sun was warm. The ocean was just blocks away, where the mountains ended in the Ligurian Sea. A warm breeze lifted the sea air through the central street where our agent’s office perched above the village’s only tobacco shop.

“There are two ways to get to your flat,” he said in his best Italian-English. “Straight up the stairs or the long way up the street.” He eyed us skeptically. “The street,” he said. “It’s not so steep.”

We had just completed our paperwork and payment in his small, crowded office. At the close of our business deal, my husband and I refused a complimentary bottle of wine made from the grapes growing in the terraced vineyards above our flat. Based on his astounded reaction and the confusion about what to do with the refused bottle, I deduced we were the first customers in Italy to utter the words, “Thank you, we don’t drink.”

Lumbering down the narrow stairs from his office to the street – our 40-hour journey to the Cinque Terre nearly over – we began the “long way” to our flat. Anticipating the joy of dumping our now excessively heavy backpacks, I realized I had waited too long to rest and eat.

Finally, the door tightly closed behind our departing leasing agent, my husband and I collapsed on the couch near where three complimentary bottles of wine stood on an adjacent shelf. “Wine country,” I said. “Would you like a nap or an espresso?”

The Land of Pasta and Gravy 46

We had been planning a trip to Italy for months, fulfilling a lifelong dream to travel to the land of pasta and gravy – not the gravy poured from a spout onto Midwestern potatoes, but the kind heartily ladled over beds of fresh pasta and ravioli.

We dreamed of rich food, rugged countryside and a deep culture and history incomprehensible to our American understanding of antiquity. With only one week to spend in Italy before hopping a plane to England, our trip to Tuscany – the heart of Italian wine country – was simply a matter of logistics. Tuscany was a focused location that would minimize our travel, yet still afford us some of the country’s premier cities: Florence, Siena, Pisa, Assisi and the Cinque Terre to the northwest.

Our travel plan, like our lifestyle, would actively avoid circumstances that promoted alcohol – an effort we took for granted in our routines at home. We reviewed travel videos, books and recommendations from friends to plot a tour via rail. We sought excursions to match our active lifestyle, but purely sober alternatives were not easy to find.

It was our third time skimming through the sales brochure before my husband and I identified excursions that did not have “wine tour” in the title: sea kayaking, hiking, cooking classes, helicopter rides and guided walking tours.

While wine was not the focus of these alternatives, it was always included as part of the experience. Group kayaking included a prepared lunch with local wine; cooking classes included a meal and wine tasting; walking tours visited local villages, but also included wineries.

It took effort – research and emails – but we were confident we had finally booked a trip that would honor

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

our commitment to sober living and fulfill our desire for a delightful, fun-filled Italian adventure.

Closed Kitchens and Cappuccinos When we arrived in Rome, we stepped off our plane and boarded a posh first-class carriage on the high-speed train to Florence. A hub to nearly any destination in Tuscany, Florence was our stopover and introduction to the country’s rich history and culture.

Excited with anticipation, we felt refreshed and undaunted by the lack of sleep from our overnight flight. Standing at the cab stand, listening to foreign conversations and watching the chaos of buses and cars, we ditched our original plan to sleep in favor of food and fun.

Within minutes of arriving at our hotel, we had showered, changed and begun our walk along the Arno River in the midday sun as scullers glided on the water between the famous arched bridges. Traveling west to east, we walked past the five-arched Ponte alla Carraia and the Ponte Santa Trinitai (the oldest elliptic arch bridge in the world). We found a resting place at an outdoor café and an empty table near the bridge at the entrance to the medieval Ponte Vecchio.

We wanted our first meal in Italy to be memorable.

Bruschetta, pizza or fresh mozzarella on anything would have sustained us for the afternoon. Menu in hand, I ran down the list. Squinting against the afternoon sun, our server shook her head in denial.

“The kitchen is closed,” said the young woman.

My husband looked at the watch he had purchased for our trip – it was 2:00 pm. I glanced around, examining the other tables. Everyone was drinking, but no food was being served.

“Wine?” our server invited.

“No, thank you,” I said. If we could not order pranzo (lunch), we would order merenda (afternoon snack). “Tiramisu and cappuccino,” I requested.

It was the best tiramisu and the smallest cups of coffee we had ever consumed, but the most valuable results of our first dining experience were the lessons we learned: Every kitchen in Italy closes between 2:00 and 6:00 pm, when resting and relaxing become national pastimes; coffee houses and bars are the same establishments, so there are no alcohol-free cafés; and finally, a large Americano in Italy is smaller than a small American coffee, so order two at a time.

eating with fresh Italian cooking, replace fitness routines with walking and hiking, and use headphones to tune out crying babies and other frustrations. Sleep was a challenge we anticipated with the six-hour time change and a fundamental we had ignored despite our better judgment.

Following our cappuccino at the famous Ponte Vecchio, we crossed the Arno and walked the 14th Century Palazzo Vecchio. The crowds on this beautiful September day were often shoulder to shoulder, but the architecture, sculptures and history embedded within every brick and stone were astounding.

Now 24 hours without sleep, we traversed the city streets, getting lost several times in the back roads and narrow alleys. Turning our tourist map one way, then another, we eventually found a route back to the hotel along the Arno and collapsed for a nap. We had planned to experience Florence by night, enjoying a four-course meal, walking the city streets and eating every flavor of gelato we could find; but the consequences of our sleep-deprived zeal laid waste to our plans.

We awoke in the morning with sun streaming through our terrace doors. We had missed our opportunity in Florence.

We quickly packed and boarded the train to our next destination, the Cinque Terre via Pisa.

The Slogan We Live By With another full day’s travel, navigating trains, hoisting backpacks, avoiding pickpockets and eating on the run, we finally arrived beleaguered in the Cinque Terre at our leasing agent’s office above the tobacco shop.

Later, slouching on the couch in our flat, hungry and tired, cappuccino machine spitting its final burst of steam, I contemplated our efforts to ensure our serenity and sobriety. We were only 48 hours into our first week and were already compromising the basic principles of the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) slogan we lived by: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (HALT). Running down this checklist, I confessed we were living what we should have been avoiding.

Fresh coffee in hand, I selected a thin phone book from the shelf and turned to A: Alcolistia Anonimi, Quando: mercoledi e venerdi alle 17:00 (Alcoholics Anonymous, When: Wednesdays and Fridays at 5:00 pm). As the reassurance of those words washed over my tired frame, I remembered we were neither the first, nor the only, to say, “Grazie, non beviamo.” (Thank you, we don’t drink.)

Stumbling Sleepless At home in Chicago, our daily routines are central to our regiment of self-care: healthy eating, exercise, adequate sleep and the right balance between community and personal space. When traveling, these routines are frequently interrupted and challenged despite our best preparation.

On this particular trip, we planned to maintain our healthy Spring 2016

In Recovery Magazine

Mary E. Goodrich is a writer, wife and mother of four adult children. With a deep family history of alcoholism, she brings decades of experience to her recovery-focused articles. Visit her at MaryEGoodrich. com where she blogs about family, marriage, work, purpose and wellness.

47

England

A Twelve Step Agnostic in AA

I

by Steve K.

grew up in Macclesfield, England, in a home with an alcoholic parent. My stepfather was a daily drinker who was incapable of forming a loving relationship with me or my younger brother. When my stepfather had been drinking, he seemed to resent us and was emotionally abusive.

Things became worse as I grew older. My family moved into a public house (bar) when I was almost 13 years old.

My parents often argued, and at times there was physical violence. My growing unhappiness and insecurity at home, a deep sense of rejection and the easy availability of alcohol set the scene for my own alcoholism and drug abuse.

I began drinking regularly around age 15 and would get drunk at every opportunity. I left school at 16 and spent the next ten years in and out of employment, hospitals, courts, police cells and prison. By age 25, I wanted to stop drinking and using drugs, but I seemed unable to do so for any significant time. Around this time, I found the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and began my journey into some sort of recovery.

At my first AA meeting, I understood the goal was complete abstinence. Although I knew this was the only option for me, I did not fully believe I was an alcoholic. The room was full of people much older than I who’d been drinking for a lot longer and were clearly “proper” alcoholics. Nevertheless,

48

I wanted abstinence, so I kept attending meetings.

I also started reading the AA Big Book and realized belief in God was a vital part of the solution. I was open to this suggestion, although it felt awkward to me since I wasn’t brought up in a religious home. I don’t remember religious or spiritual issues ever being mentioned by my parents; I only came across Christianity in morning assembly at primary school. Despite this, I had clearly been conditioned with basic Christian ideas about God. After several months of attending AA and while still occasionally drinking, I began to pray regularly. Since I didn’t feel any spiritual connection, this felt embarrassing and not completely genuine. I continued praying in the hope that it would free me of the desire to drink, which was becoming a very conscious struggle the harder I attempted to remain abstinent. I was beginning to think I was “constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself,” and even more sure I suffered “from grave emotional and mental disorders.” (This was, in fact, true!)

My obsession with alcohol continued into my early 30s.

By then, I had formally been through the AA Twelve Steps more than once with different sponsors, but still hadn’t connected with God or the spirituality of the Steps. Despite this, I managed to attend regular meetings and stay sober for five years.

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

I was suffering with ongoing depression and other physical problems, and was far from being a content, sober man.

The relationship I was in at the time enabled me to remain sober; but when it ended, so did my sobriety.

Although I mostly remained sober, I struggled with the mental obsession to drink for another two or three years.

My last drink was on July 2, 2005.

During the twelve months that followed, the obsession with alcohol left me. I started feeling secure in my sobriety.

As my confidence grew, so did my questioning of the Twelve Steps and what I perceived as religious dogma. I became increasingly disillusioned and hostile toward the literal meaning and language of the program, and I began pushing AA friends away with my negativity.

I had to undergo a course of significant medical treatment for hepatitis C, which I had contracted in my early 20s through intravenous drug use. This treatment affected my energy level, motivation and emotional wellbeing. My attendance at meetings was reduced to the odd occasion.

My belief in the Twelve Steps continued to deteriorate; and, again, I became increasingly isolated and depressed.

I considered no longer attending meetings, as I felt disingenuous at them. When I did attend, I would attempt to undermine others’ beliefs. I realized that unless I could find a genuine relationship with the Twelve Steps, I would need to leave the Fellowship.

Suddenly one day, I had an inspiration to look online for some literature that might help me. I came across Ernest Kurtz’s Not-God, A History of Alcoholics Anonymous.

This book is a detailed history and study of AA. While confirming the Christian influence upon the Twelve Steps, it provides a good understanding of the liberal principles of AA philosophy. I started to develop a new appreciation of the Steps and the Fellowship.

So began a twelve-month study of the Program through the eyes of various authors. I attended many meetings during this period and revised some of my Step Four inventory.

I began to relate to the Steps in a spiritual, but nontheistic way, and to clearly see the underlying moral and spiritual principles inherent within the Steps. I came to genuinely believe in them, and saw both their importance and their transformative power.

My new relationship with the Twelve Steps slowly brought a more positive commitment to the Fellowship and to helping others. I started to sponsor others and became the secretary of a new meeting. My service to others, despite still suffering from a chronic illness, continued to develop my commitment and appreciation of the Steps. It also improved my mental and emotional wellbeing.

As the years have gone by, I’ve become increasingly secure in my sobriety – thoughts of drink rarely enter my mind.

One of the Step Ten promises has truly come about for me, “For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in alcohol. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, p. 84-85) I now comfortably relate to the Twelve Steps from a primarily humanistic, though spiritual, point of view.

I don’t believe in the traditional concept of God and apply my own concepts to the idea. This legitimate approach to recovery is based upon the program’s liberal and pragmatic, as well as spiritual, principles. “When, therefore, we speak to you of God, we mean your own conception of God. This applies, too, to other spiritual expressions which you find in this book. Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they mean to you.” (Ibid, p. 47). The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (p. 26) further illustrates, “First, Alcoholics Anonymous does not demand that you believe anything. All of its Twelve Steps are but suggestions.”

If you don’t believe in God, use your imagination to relate to the AA Program in a way that is meaningful to you. I relate to spirituality in terms of moral virtues such as honesty, compassion, kindness and love. My emphasis is on a “way of being” or “way of life” and developing a right attitude toward my recovery. I practice self-reflection, prayer and meditation in order to grow in virtue and to develop my consciousness in relation to the mystery of life. I like the saying, “God is Love,” because it expresses the idea that the program works through people. Spiritual principles are practiced as we help one another.

Steve K. lives in Macclesfield, Cheshire, in the northwest of England. He has a background in advice and counseling work, mainly in the areas of mental health and social welfare law. He regularly chairs his local AA home group.

Spring 2016

In Recovery Magazine

49

Australia

Auzzie Joys of Recovery

by Christa Bidgood

I

t is my honor to write the story of how I recovered in the “Great Country Down Under.” Hopefully, my story will illustrate the Alcoholics Anonymous first tradition of unity and how the benefit of one addict talking to another is without parallel.

Australia is renowned as the great land of opportunity, which is why I, as a five-year-old child, came to Australia from Frankfurt, Germany, with my parents, my brother and my twin sister.

My life in Australia began in an immigrant hostel. This was a temporary arrangement while we waited for accommodations. We soon moved to Canley Vale, a suburb of Western Sydney, not too far from Cabramatta, the drug capital of Sydney.

As a young child in childcare and kindergarten, I had already learned to feel indifferent to being laughed at in school; I guess my advantage was having a twin and doing everything together.

By the time my sister and I were in primary school, we had moved to the North Shore suburb of Dee Why. Life improved; and since being a twin was a novelty, popularity took over. We were both mischievous and rebellious.

Having working parents and living across the road from 50

the school offered a grand opportunity to bring friends home. Obviously, chaos reigned.

Our family was alcoholic – my parents drank socially at every occasion. They entertained friends from all walks of life and everything at home had to be perfect. I hated it.

My twin and I were adventurous and uncontrollable, especially since we lived in a society where anything goes, unless you’re caught. Having been expelled from the local state school at age twelve, my sister and I found alcohol and officially stepped into our teens. Life instantly took on new meaning.

My parents decided to resolve the twin revolution in their home by sending us to boarding school. We were not there one day and off we went, smoking cigarettes and modifying our school uniforms. At a time when the mini skirt was in vogue, young ladies with good manners wore their uniforms two inches above the knee. We cut ours off seven inches above the knee – perfect. At the first roll call for hem measuring, what we had done became obvious. The other girls, despite expressing shocked horror and giggles, immediately embraced the trend of hems being cut short.

Though punishment was inevitable and loss of privileges was endured, we had instituted a reform.

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

And so it was over the next almost 27 years as I drank and drugged my way into recovery. I fell into recovery at age 38, led by an amazing sponsor. By that time, I had three children – a failed relationship that bore a son, and a failed marriage that bore two daughters.

Hardly a “lady,” my alcoholism and addiction left me with a life that included a torturous career of crime, prostitution, bikers and everything that goes with street life – all done whilst in a world of deception. I was broken; I hated the world and everything in it.

Thank God my mother found Al-Anon. By this time, my brother, the first alcoholic and youngest in the family, had gained ten years recovery. On the path of success, he picked up a drink and was dead two years later. My twin also found recovery; but unfortunately after 20 years of sobriety, she also picked up a drink. Doctors have predicted she may not make it.

I called my mother in my last desperate drunk and begged for help. In the true Twelve Step way, two alcoholics knocked on my door and brought me the message of hope I had never before heard. Not only could you stop drinking and stay stopped; you could be happy. I went to my first Twelve Step meeting, shaking and shivering with delirium tremens and paralytic with fear.

I have not had a drink since. One of the alcoholics who brought me his message of hope is dead. The other, who has 58 years sober, is still part of my recovery life today.

Having a resistance to change, my surrender to God (a power greater than myself) came three or four months into recovery. I didn’t pick up a drink, but I reached such high levels of apprehension, fear and anxiety that my body shut down and I began having seizures. I was left with the only thing available to me that had planted itself deep into my brain, “That God could and would if he were sought.”

(Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book, p. 60) I begged to live and be a mother to my children. I came out of that seizure eleven hours later in peace, understanding that God had done for me what I could not have done for myself. The compulsion to drink or use lifted. I continued to go to meetings.

To the streets he went where, at 18 years old, he was able to find a path to recovery. Today, at age 38, he lives the recovery way. He has a loving partner with three beautiful children and is a fully-qualified butcher.

My youngest daughter lives in New Zealand with her husband and two children, living a recovery life. My eldest daughter remains in resentment of her lost childhood and does not share her life with us.

Never to be satisfied and always wanting more, I studied the way of God and recovery through the lives of Bill and Lois W., Bob and Anne S. and Marty Mann. My pledge to make good the rape and pillage of the people I loved so dearly led me to help others. It was during this time that I met my husband. A close friend who knew I was in recovery introduced him to me. My husband was the local drunk and one of Australia’s Most Wanted. We married, pledged our lives to our own recovery and to each other, and sanctified our commitment to God. We were holding Twelve Step fellowships in our home, and our house soon became too small. Today, we have a 40-bed family recovery center in Canton Beach, two hours north of Sydney. Our center provides a spiritual healing place for alcoholics, addicts and their families. We treat their alcoholism and addiction purely by sharing our experience, strength and hope with the goal that no man, woman or child ever be denied an opportunity to throw off the fatal tentacles of alcoholism and addiction.

My family and I went from selfish to selfless. We get to keep what is freely given to every family tortured by alcoholism and addiction – freedom from alcohol and drugs. Our motto is, “The family that drinks and uses drugs together perishes and dies in the torture of alcoholism and addiction.

The family that prays together stays together.”

Thanks to all of you who carry the message of hope, and thank you for this opportunity to share our recovery life with you.

Love in service, God and life.

I finally began to accept responsibility for myself and my actions. I stopped blaming people, places and things.

I made amends. My children, who were entering their adolescence, identified their truth to me – their fear during childhood and the terrors of domestic violence they had endured. I listened and heard them for the first time.

I took my children to Alateen, where we learned to pray together. Alcohol found my son at age 14. He loved it, but it didn’t love him; instead it led him into addiction and crime. I detached, found the tough love of Al-Anon and did something beyond every motherly grain in my body – I let him go.

Spring 2016

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The Bookstand

Recovery is the subject of countless books, films and apps. Below are some titles worth a look. If you would like us to include your books, films or apps in this column, contact editor@inrecoverymagazine.com

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The Seven Characters of Abuse (Tanya L. Brown and Carolyn Inmon, Abundant Press, 2015). This book is for people feeling uneasy about their relationships, navigating hurtful verbal exchanges and upsetting behaviors, and wondering if they are really loved. With short, easy-toread stories, simple questions and easyto-access resources, the author, sister of Nicole Brown, helps you decide if you want real love, true companionship and a deeper purpose for living.

Marijuana Debunked (Ed Gogek, MD, innerQuest, 2015). Marijuana subtly damages the teenage brain and causes lifelong problems, yet four million teens in the US and Canada use the drug; and both countries are racing toward legalization. For those who have heard only the pro-legalization side, this book presents the case against marijuana on an equal footing. It explains how marijuana users think and why they’ve become so political. marijuanadebunked.com

My Gratitude Journal: Three Years of Blessings (Kellie Bach, Tambuli Media, 2015). Journaling about gratitude is an important tool for growing spiritually and emotionally because it helps you remember to be grateful throughout your day.

This journal helps you reflect on each day, as well as to reflect over the past years, so you can see how you have grown and changed. Through the use of unique icons, you are prompted to remember less obvious things to be grateful for.

How to Conquer Your Alcoholism (D.H. Williams, Amazon, 2015). If you or your loved one has tried rehab, Twelve Step programs or other methods to break the hold of alcoholism, but nothing has worked (at least not for long), this groundbreaking program and reference guide can succeed where all else has failed. It provides all the resources you need to navigate your way to sobriety with a practical program to get you sober and stay that way! ConquerYourAddiction.com

Unraveling the Psychological Mystery of Addictions (Dr. James Strawbridge, Green Ivy Publishing, 2015). Are you a potential addict? What causes one person to be addicted to drugs and alcohol while another seems to be immune to the temptation?

Using interviews with addicts now in recovery and their families, Dr. Strawbridge confirms that addictions don’t discriminate based on race, economics or gender orientation.

Addicted to Dimes: Confessions of a Liar and a Cheat (Catherine Townsend-Lyon, Kodel Group, LLC, 2012). How does a good girl go bad? Learn of this remarkable woman’s brave story. Based on a true story and told without polish or prose in the author’s own words, this is a haunting tale of gambling addiction, dark family secrets, abuse, sexual misconduct, destruction, crime and . . . recovery! One book, one page – one day at a time.

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

How to Grow an Addict (J.A. Wright, She Writes Press, 2015). Randall Grange has been tricked into admitting herself into a treatment center and she doesn’t know why. She’s not like the others there, but she knows she can’t live without pills or booze.

Raised by an abusive father, a detached mother and a loving aunt and uncle, Randall both loves and hates her life. At 23 years old, she’s a full-blown drug addict; and she’s in more trouble than she knew was possible.

Authors Filmmakers App Developers In Recovery Magazine is a one-stop solution for all your advertising needs.

Don’t be afraid to take the plunge. Our low cost advertising will showcase your product in print and in digital formats and deliver it to our national and international readership of almost 25,000. Effective advertising leads to more earnings for you.

sales@inrecoverymagazine.com

Cross Talk

CrossTalk is based on the premise that recovery life is polytely: frequently, complex problem-solving situations characterized by the presence of not one, but several endings. This writing represents decades of recovery and its application to life and how to get over it, into it or through it with spunk, levity and a good dose of reality. What? You want more than happy, joyous and free? Get over it. Just sayin’. – MollÊ 54

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

Dear Mollé, I have 13 years of not drinking, but not 13 years of real or “emotional” sobriety. I feel like an imposter. I haven’t done the Steps, and people always make reference to my time as if I’ve achieved something or know things. I know nothing. I’m a living time bomb waiting to go off – I know that next drink is right around the corner.

I’ve met a woman I trust well enough to sponsor me and help me work through the Steps. She’s been sober a long time, and we’ve both had experience with rape, incest and crappy parents.

I am getting ready to do my Step Four work; and as much as I look forward to the relief of finally telling someone everything, I’m also scared to death. I’ve had horrific trauma in my miserable childhood and equally horrific adulthood.

I’m afraid she won’t want to, or be able to, sponsor me after I share my Step Five. I’ve had therapists refer me out because my problems were more than they felt they could handle or help.

I finally trust someone enough to feel like I can actually do the Steps. How do I get over the fear of being judged or rejected? – A Poseur in Virginia Dear Poseur (not), Ah, you have a long, sad story? Get in line – we all have one. Some are just a little more tragic than others. Many of us come in pretending to be someone we’re not. I’ve known some people who have used false names in AA for years.

But eventually, if they don’t drink, they come to accept

their truth – like it or not – and choose to live in reality. It is so much easier.

The Steps are good for uncovering the truth. The ugliness in our lives is mostly about what happened or what we did, not who we truly are. We may feel badly or even be guilty of many wrongdoings, but that doesn’t mean it is who we are a person. It is what we are capable of when using or drinking.

Just so you know, there is no one miracle Step that makes everything all better. By doing all the Steps, we fetter out the truth about ourselves and our pasts. We find relief and recovery through the process. Often, our amazing goodness surfaces.

You haven’t had a drink for 13 years, which has great value; don’t discount it. I’m glad you’re ready to come over to the easier side of recovery. Remember, a sponsor is not a therapist and should not be used as one. She is there to walk you through the Steps, that’s all – not to be your mother, your sister or even your friend. Walking you through the Steps is her only job. She’s not a counselor or an emotional dumpster. She is there to provide empathy and understanding, not sympathy. I encourage you to do the Steps, all of them. After doing so, you might find you’ve made a trusted friend.

The viewpoints shared or any implied actions suggested by Mollé are the opinions and ideas of the author only and do not represent those of In Recovery Magazine. The implied action is offered openly and is never intended to replace the advice of a healthcare professional. You may send your dilemmas to Mollé at crosstalk@inrecoverymagazine.com.

FEAR

Spring 2016

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Travel

When in Rome . . .

by Carolyn G. Foland

Michelangelo’s Moses in the Church of St. Peter in Chains, Rome 56

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hen I first found recovery, I had to figure out how to do things I loved to do, but that I’d always done while enjoying a drink. For example, eating: How can you have pizza without beer? Pâté without wine? Celebrating – what’s a wedding without champagne?

An after work gathering with coworkers without a martini?

Traveling – what’s Ireland without Guinness? Greece without ouzo?

I slowly worked my way back. I found I could divorce foods from certain drinks and didn’t have to be obsessed about the pairings that had been so important to me. I could now attend gatherings that involved alcohol and actually be comfortable with my nonalcoholic drink. I began traveling again by joining groups of people who were also in recovery.

I’ve had three trips with In This Life Travel, a company specializing in trips for sober people. My latest trip was a cruise in the Mediterranean preceded by three days in Rome.

The cruise was also a sober retreat where we attended presentations by well-known retreat leaders: Fr. Tom Weston, Fr. Jim Harbaugh, Anne Lamott and Dr. Claudia David. They filled our atsea days with humor and spiritual inspiration.

provides a safe environment to do new things and see new places. The retreat portions provided by leaders I’ve come to respect always enriched me. I get to meet new people and enjoy old friends. As a single traveler, this has helped me feel confident traveling on my own. Sober travel helps me feel comfortable about staying sober as I engage in local dining and events.

Traveling with a group has its pluses and minuses.

On another recent trip to the Amalfi Coast in Italy, by the end of the week our group felt herded by our professional guide. I followed the group experience with a week alone in a women-only hostel in Rome. However, I discovered that touring on public transportation took a great deal more time than being shuttled from place to place on a tour bus. I also felt I missed things a tour guide would have provided. There are always tradeoffs.

On the internet, you can find sober travel companies and sign up for their special vacation offerings.

They’ll tell you what a trip or cruise will entail and which retreat leaders will be participating.

They usually have great group rates for hotels, flights and ships, and often plan special After three days in excursions.

This Florence, my partner and array makes choosing I joined other In This Life The ruins of the library in ancient Ephesus, Turkey group and individual travelers who were flying activities simple. You in from the US and returning from a tour of Venice. In can choose what fits your interests and your budget. Their Rome, our tours included the Vatican Museum and the professional travel agents will answer all your questions – Sistine Chapel, archeological areas, the Appian Way and a in emails and on the phone – and will help clarify your nighttime view of illuminated landmarks. After three days preferences. of nonstop touring, we boarded our ship.

If you have something on your bucket list that you want to Our first port of call was the Greek island of Mykonos, check off, let the booking agent know in advance and see where we enjoyed either shopping on our own, visiting a how you can be accommodated, even if you decide to do local beach or an optional sampling of Greek appetizers, travel arrangements on your own. and, of course, the stunning scenery.

When I choose to travel this way, which I frequently do, Later port calls had us trouping through the ancient city of I try to remember the pros and cons of traveling with Ephesus, a morning swim in the warm clear Mediterranean a group and adjust my expectations accordingly. on the Greek island of Santorini and climbing to the Acropolis in Athens. An optional tour took us to an Evaluate your alternatives. On the recent trip to Rome overnight stay in Olympia. There we took a morning tour and the Mediterranean, my travel companion and I could of the original site of the city and ran our own Olympic have opted out of the Rome portion of the trip. We decided race in the ancient stadium, followed by an authentic Greek to include Rome and tacked on a few days to visit Florence on our own. Others arrived before the formal tour started buffet lunch made especially for our group. and explored Rome on their own.

I love traveling this way for a number of reasons. It So many people expressed an interest in touring Venice Spring 2016

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So many people expressed an interest in touring Venice that In This Life added an additional tour option and booked the Venetian hotel and travel. When the group met in Rome, we had interesting and different experiences to share.

Humans arrange things and occasionally make mistakes.

Be prepared for these bumps; the tour leader will come up with the best solution possible. It may not be the one you would have chosen. Assigning blame, no matter how inconvenient the situation, won’t change anything.

Adjust your expectations. Everyone has their own priorities when traveling. I’m a history buff, so I love the tour guides’ in-depth knowledge. Some people go for shopping. Sampling local food may be at the top of another person’s list.

Negative things happen on vacations; and frankly, the worse or more complicated they are, the happier I am having a professional handle them. In Florence, we were easily able to get another bed for the room on our own. However, bigger problems require more expertise. The guides and professional staff generally have more skill and clout than I do. The solutions they negotiate may not always be to my liking, but they usually save me from worse outcomes.

On any given day, the agenda may not include your priorities; but try to participate in whatever is offered.

Sometimes I enjoy something new I otherwise would not have tried. If you are really having trouble with the itinerary, speak to your travel company’s staff and see what alternatives may be available. Be prepared to pay extra if you want to take a taxi back to the ship or drive ahead to the next destination.

In short, touring with sober travel companies provides interaction with others in recovery who are also interested in travel. Some companies even offer a chance to explore one’s spiritual side with experienced retreat leaders.

I highly recommend them.

Understand that things go wrong. There’s always something that doesn’t turn out quite the way I thought it would. For example, when we got to Florence, the two-bed accommodations we had booked online were not available.

We had another bed brought into our room.

Carolyn Foland has worked in public and private settings in mental health education and information in Kansas, New York and California. She retired from Sacramento County, California, in 2004, concluding her career as a public administrator in health and human services. Her formal degrees are in journalism and public administration.

Scenery along the Appian Way, outside of Rome 58

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Book Review

BOTTLED rationalizes it, and increases her consumption. She passes out on the floor and decides to quit – in just three more days. Again and again.

by Lena H.

D

ana Bowman has uncorked the bottle of her own bubbly spirit and poured it into this memoir. Her apt and cheery insights go down like sparkling cider, page after page, arousing the reader’s sympathy and interest.

Perfect for the recounting of an alcoholic’s drinking saga, Bowman’s book has three parts: “The Before,” “The During” and “The Now.” At the end of each chapter is a Top Ten list with droll but sincere suggestions for coping at each stage.

In “The Before,” the author goes from “Birth with a Beer Chaser” – as her kind husband smuggles a beer into the hospital for her after the arduous birth of their first son – to drinking more than a bottle of wine a day. By this part’s final chapter, she is hiding bottles in boots and laundry baskets, and finding no joy except in anticipation of her next drink. A perfectionist and supermom, she tries to handle it all: her marriage to a punctilious engineer, raising two rambunctious boys, and teaching college classes. But, when she can’t manage it, she becomes Zombie Mom. Her house is a mess; she and Brian don’t speak; her kids and their “poopies” drive her crazy; her teaching suffers. Then to top it off, her old and faithful dog dies. To cope, she ups her wine dosage, drinking from plastic tumblers because she has broken all the glasses. At the end of “The Before,” one of the author’s “Top Ten Ways to Deal with Really Bad Stuff ” is a warning: “Throwing copious amounts of alcohol on top of bad things only makes them wet bad things.”

But she’s just warming up. In “The During,” Bowman and alcohol become “totally committed to each other.” Leaving her boys strapped in their car seats, she runs into the store for more liquor – with no small amount of guilt. She’s run out of booze and needs more, now. She hides liquor, Spring 2016

Finally, she admits she can’t put a cork in her drinking. She goes to AA and, deprived of alcohol, becomes a “raw flesh monster walking around in a fuzzy bathrobe with a gloomy disposition.” However, remembering “the only thing you have to do is not drink,” she does not drink. Slogging through her days, she begins to link sober ones together.

One day, sipping tea in the backyard as she watches her boys get filthy playing in the sandbox, she realizes that she is “absolutely at peace.” AA’s “Top Ten Annoying Recovery Slogans That Actually Work” are saving her: Keep It Simple, One Day at a Time, Live and Let Live, and so on – including some she’s modified to suit herself, such as, “Everything Happens for a Reason – But Sometimes that Reason is that You’re Stupid and You Make Bad Decisions.”

In “The Now,” the author has “invited recovery to live with us, a beloved but sometimes really annoying houseguest, for the rest of my life.” Through AA, she has learned to survive holidays and parties, to be grateful, to love, and even to celebrate, all without booze. Like many recovering alcoholics, she still has “a million little reasons, sidling up to [her], every day, to drink up.” However, in “The Now,” she keeps those reasons bottled in the cellar of her past and drinks instead from the wellspring of a Higher Power’s wisdom.

Even for this exacting reviewer, Bowman’s occasional grammatical and structural bloopers do not hinder reading enjoyment; some gaffes seem almost to suit her style. From its heady start to its smooth finish, this spirited story of recovery is a delight.

Bottled: A Mom’s Guide to Early Recovery

by Dana Bowman Central Recovery Press, Las Vegas

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Bob Morse

Memoriam

Photo by Gwen Henderson

by New York Jimmy

I

gave Bob his 30-year coin at the Alcoholics Anonymous Upon Awakening meeting on December 6, 2014.

Where else but AA would you find a Navy veteran giving a Marine veteran a sobriety coin? Where else would you find an enlisted man giving an officer a coin? It was an honor I shall always remember.

On November 5, 2015, at the age of 77, Robert (Bob) Moreton Morse Sr., of Prescott, Arizona, passed away surrounded by his beloved family. He was a highly-regarded member of the recovery community in Prescott and will be greatly missed by many.

Bob was cofounder, Chairman of the Board and Chief Executive Officer of Chapter 5, a long-term, affordable drug and alcohol rehabilitation center in Prescott that he and his wife, Karen, started in 2003. Co-addicted to prescription drugs and alcohol, he started his recovery journey in 1983 and was in his 31st year of continuous sobriety when he died.

Bob graduated from the University of Southern California 60

in 1961 with a Bachelor of Science in Economics. He completed postgraduate work at the Stanford Graduate School of Business and the University of New York and at the time of his death, was working toward a master’s degree in addiction counseling.

Bob served as a captain in the US Marine Corps and was a Vietnam-era veteran. He began his 50-year career in the power plant construction industry in 1956. He was the Manager of International Power Operations at The Bechtel Group from 1956 to 1984. From 1984 through 1992, he served as President and Director of EBASCO Services International. He was an executive consultant for Hill International through his business, Robert Morse Associates, from 1992 through 2012.

A memorial service was held on November 8, 2015, in Prescott. Memorial donations may be sent to the Robert M. Morse Sr. Endowment at the Chapter 5 Business Office, 726 W. Gurley Street, Prescott, Arizona 86305. This endowment will be used to grant scholarships to those in need of treatment for alcohol and drug addiction.

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

TREATMENT PROGRAMS

RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT Intensive Outpatient Program Outpatient Program Aftercare with Structured Residential Sober Living Transitional Sober Living

www.Chapter5Recovery.com Spring 2016

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2015 In Recovery Magazine

Gratitude Gala and Expo

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In Recovery Magazine hosted its second annual Gratitude Gala and first annual Expo at the Prescott Resort in Prescott, Arizona, on November 13 and 14, 2015.

Rick Baney, SOL Recovery

IRM team: Barbara Schuderer, Kim Welsh, Janet A. Hopkins and Becca Fields

Ricky Baney of SOL Recovery Center in Phoenix, Arizona, emceed the festive masked Gala that featured our first annual editorial awards paying tribute to some of the magazine’s outstanding writers and artists, together with a silent auction and entertainment by comedian Mark Lundholm.

Jeremy Miller and Joan Pedicini of BioCorX

Dr. George Baxter-Holder and his husband Travis

The Expo featured keynote speakers Jeremy Miller, a dynamic recovery enthusiast and former child star of the TV hit series, Growing Pains, and Dr. George Baxter-Holder, author of Sex, Drugs, Food and God. The Expo offered exhibits that allowed attendees to interact on a personal level with treatment providers, and recovery-related organizations and businesses from around the country. We were pleased to meet Prescott’s new mayor, Harry O’Berg, who visited us that day. O’Berg shared with us his concerns and questions about local treatment providers. Dialogues such as this are important to have throughout the country.

Kathleen Tavenner Mitchell, Vice President of the Organization on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

Spring 2016

Ellen Hamilton, Psychological Counseling Services; Barbara Brown, Together AZ; Gordie Bufton; and Karen Krebs, Sundance Recovery Center

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Linda and Michael Japenga, Rest for Your Soul

Compass Recovery, Prescott, Arizona

Justin and Erin Bachman, Canyon Crossings Recovery, Prescott, Arizona

Jenny and Peter Tomosovitch, Prescott House, Prescott, Arizona

Louie and Angel Gomez, Prescott Tire Pros; Greta Stromberg and hubby John Morris, Chief of Probation, Yavapai County, Arizona

Tim Westbrook, Camelback Recovery; Terra Schaad, Hunkapi Programs; Gordie Bufton; and Brad Callow, Decision Point Center

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Expo workshops included presentations on a variety of subjects by: Kathleen Tavenner Mitchell, National Organization on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome International Spokesperson; Andi Abad, life coach; Rene Eram, California film director and author of The Addict’s Loop; Hunter Taylor of SOL Recovery Center; and Dr. George Baxter-Holder, author of Drugs, Food, Sex and God.

Sponsors for the events: Viewpoint Dual Recovery, Practical Development, Canyon Crossing Recovery, Prescott House, Decision Point, Dominion Diagnostic, Lakeview Health, Chapter 5 and Taste of Peace.

We have outgrown our venue, so plans are being made to host next year’s Gratitude Gala and Expo in Scottsdale, Arizona. It’s rumored the November 2016 Gratitude Gala will have a luau theme – I hope we won’t be expected to wear bikinis. At any rate, please make plans to attend; you won’t be disappointed!

Spring 2016

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Awake and Alive

I

by Russ Kyle

loved drinking even before I picked up my first drink; I was infatuated with the idea. While other kids were playing cowboys with pop guns, my brother and I played cowboys barroom-style. We’d set up a bar on our back porch, get a jug of apple juice and our parents’ shot glasses, then slam shots. I wanted to be that cowboy. There was another character in the old westerns, though – the town drunk. Now there was a guy I never aspired to be, yet that was exactly what I was to become.

I took my first alcoholic drink at about age twelve, and it was everything I had hoped it would be. I knew life was going to be much more interesting from that day forward.

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Shortly thereafter, our parents divorced, and our mother moved into the city. My brother and I stayed with our father and, soon after, his new wife.

Around age 13, I met an older man in the neighborhood who began giving me alcohol, then later pot and cocaine.

He began sexually abusing me. As much as I cringed and dreaded what I knew was going to happen, I continued to return to him for the drugs and alcohol.

Soon after I turned 15, my father had a sudden heart attack and died. My brother and I were devastated and had to move into the city with our mother. The next few years were all about skipping school, stealing cars, getting

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

arrested, family problems, financial and legal issues, health problems and utter emotional turmoil. I was checked into three treatment centers before finally attending my first Twelve Step meeting.

I loved the place, the loud chatter before the meetings, the smoke, the smiles; it reminded me of a bar. Yet when the meeting began and those Twelve Steppers talked, a new kind of magic happened. That magic attracted me and kept me coming back.

that sickness well.

I eventually walked back into “the rooms.” I got a sponsor and began again. My new sponsor told me that while relapse wasn’t a requirement for growth, I could use that experience to reinforce my recovery. I could learn from it and make it part of my recovery. And I did.

Today, I understand the importance of continued selfexamination and spiritual growth. I keep my recovery healthy through the process of Steps Ten, Eleven and Twelve. They are a healthy treatment for what I like to call my “spiritual circulatory system.” Step Ten keeps my spiritual veins and arteries clear and open. I strive to keep a channel open for God’s love to stream into my life. With Step Eleven, I bring in fresh, new life blood. By practicing Step Twelve, I learn to give back. I keep spirituality circulating in my life – healthy, open, clear and flowing.

With the guidance of my sponsor, I worked my way through the Steps and learned to apply the Twelve Step principles to my life. I struggled with the Higher Power idea, yet kept an open mind long enough to finally grasp the “as I understood Him” part. The fact that the program worked was the proof that spoke loudest to me. I worked through shame and anger, fear and pride – all by following the simple instructions laid before me. I began I began having a having a spiritual awakening. spiritual awakening.

Before long, miracles were happening in my life: sobriety, family, daughters born, friends and career. I completed flight school and earned my private pilot’s license. I spent the next few years flying to and from Twelve Step conferences with other Twelve Steppers on board – from the Bahamas to the Keys and all over Florida.

It was a good life. Unfortunately, after six and a half years of sobriety, I start to regress.

I see addiction as a large creature – a creature with one big mouth and a thousand long arms. So the obvious thing is to stay away from its mouth. Stay out of the bars, away from people who drink and use, stuff like that. When we take a drink or drug, we begin to be devoured by this monster.

The creature’s arms are the cunning, baffling and powerful aspects of addiction – resentment, obsessive fears and self-centeredness, anger, self-pity, etc. It only takes one of these arms to grab us. As it pulls us closer to its mouth, we become more vulnerable to the other arms. They latch on, one after the other, until we are powerless to stay away from the mouth – the drink or the drug. When my relapse began, a few “arms” latched on to me. It was the undoing of my hard-won progress.

Because of my years of recovery, my life had become better.

But after relapsing, the consequences of my behavior were worse than before. Before I had misdemeanors, now I had felonies. Before I crashed cars, now I crashed airplanes.

Before I only hurt myself, now I hurt others.

I keep my recovery fresh by attending different meetings, especially when I am out of town; reading new recovery or spirituality books; trying new prayers and meditations and experimenting with different spiritual practices and techniques. I extend my fellowship reach by talking to new people in recovery and listening to different perspectives and views on staying sober. I listen more and talk less. I remain teachable and willing to examine others’ views, circumstances, beliefs and practices. I do all this so I can learn and grow in both my spirituality and my recovery.

If I had described the life I wanted on that first day of my recovery, I would have sold myself short. It isn’t perfect, but perfection is no longer a requirement for my happiness. Progress is my goal; perfection is merely a distant star I aim toward. I evolve and serve others by practicing honesty; making amends when required; staying aware of my thoughts, motives and intentions; and continually improving my connection with the God of my understanding.

Today, I understand that I am only sober one day at a time.

My program begins when I open my eyes each morning and ends when I close my eyes each night. And each morning when I awaken, thankful for another new day, I find myself with a renewed desire to serve others and to continue living a purpose-driven life.

It’s a good life.

I drank and used for another seven years. I drank myself homeless, lived in shelters and begged for food and drink.

To get by, I stole and cheated. I burned bridges, hurt people and destroyed my spirit. The spiritual malady – what the Big Book refers to as a “spiritual sickness” – may seem farfetched; but like many alcoholics and addicts, I knew Spring 2016

In Recovery Magazine

Russ Kyle is a person in long-term recovery and an addiction counselor in Tampa, Florida. He is the author of Awakened Living: A Practical Guide to the Spiritual Life. He is a husband and the father of three beautiful girls. He spends much of his time learning, teaching, helping others, and fine-tuning the merging of a deep spiritual life with his life of recovery and healthy family living.

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Chaos and Clutter Free: {be travel smart} by planning, packing and plain ol’ fun

by Danielle Wurth of Wurth Organizing, LLC

Feel at Home While Away Traveling this summer? We all have that one item that makes us feel at home while away. For me, it’s my paper-crafting card kit – my go-to item for relaxation when having a restless night’s sleep. It helps me feel at ease knowing I have my kit on hand to reduce stressful triggers. What is your comfort item? Aromatic incense to burn? Music you enjoy? Define one or two small items and pack these first.

Foolproof Packing Formula You’ll be a smart traveler if you follow this formula. Confine yourself to packing a maximum of one outfit per travel day. Begin by selecting a gallon- or jumbo-sized freezer Ziploc bag for each day. Line up all the bags on your bed. For a seven-day trip, the packing formula would require: 7 bags = 5 day outfit bags + 1 layers bag + 1 activities outfit bag

The Well-Outfitted Traveler Pull together and put aside all of your daily travel outfits, right down to undergarments, socks and shoes. If an item needs to be found or cleaned to finish the outfit, attach a reminder note to that stack. To prevent overpacking, designate your first day of travel outfit to be the one you also wear on your return home.

Chilly Temps Put aside a scarf or windbreaker to keep you warm.

Temperatures are unpredictable, and travel delays can leave you exposed. Be prepared. You’ll be more comfortable and be less likely to become sick.

Crossbody is Best The infamous Hangover movie officially popularized the man purse or satchel. Having a stellar crossbody bag makes you a hands-free traveler. This is my one travel non-negotiable.

From TSA bin to the road trip bathroom breaks, these travel bags are designed to prevent the loss of your ID, passport, meds or cell phone. Having personal non-replaceable items in one bag is freeing to the mind.

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Pack by Color Scheme This forces you to pack with a purpose. Pick a color scheme and plan your outfits accordingly. No matter the combination, they can be interchanged. A simple combo could be black, white and aqua. Another could be khaki, white and pink. If something gets dirty or weather doesn’t permit one combination, it can easily be swapped for another.

Layer It On Designate one outfit bag to hold two layering pieces, such as a white tankini and a t-shirt. A neutral-colored layering piece is key for long travel days when you may not be close to your room to change clothes.

Be Tech Savvy Pack each device with its charger. Use small colored dot stickers to pair them together swiftly and easily before dashing out the door.

Nothing is worse than being geared up for a trip with no battery juice to support it. Leaving chargers behind is a costly mistake.

Place a note on your travel pouch to grab the car charger, as well as tech support information.

Park and Remember Check your local coupon mailer or online for discount offsite airport parking options. Make sure the parking company offers a frequent shuttle service. Remember to record the parking lot, lane and spot number – take a picture of the parking sign near your car or make a note in your calendar. Place all parking stubs in your car console.

Simplify your life! Create budget-friendly organizational systems by: maximizing any space within your business, home or garage.

Happy Trails I often have epiphanies during a trip. Jot down the life lessons you encounter along the way. Record these ideas in a mini travel book or on the notes app in your phone. These options are better than frantically trying to find the title of a recommended book or place to visit on a sticky note or random tear-off that was shoved in your pocket en route.

Danielle Wurth is a professional organizer, speaker and owner of Wurth Organizing, LLC, a professional organizing company in Scottsdale, Arizona, that transforms families with hands-on organizing sessions and events. Wurth is a new exclusive Arizona Brand Partner of The Container Store and has been a contributor to Real Simple Magazine, Fox 10 News, Channel 3 Good Morning Arizona, 1360 KPXQ Faith Talk Radio and The Arizona Republic. You may contact her at wurthorganizing.com, by phone at 602.579.5274 or by email at Danielle@WurthOrganizing.com

Spring 2016

transitioning with success vs. stress in your recovery process utilizing your own psyche for better long-term organizational results. simplifying papers and possessions to bring joy, not sorrow.

Accessing our hands-on organizing, Skype sessions or interactive speaking events.

THESE ORGANIZING SERVICES MAY BE A TAX-DEDUCTIBLE CONSULTING EXPENSE

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Connect with Danielle to get started!

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Drug Courts Work!

by Terri Stasiuk

Bailey Morris

Before

After

T

herapeutic drug and DUI courts work, and the state of Arizona is reaping the benefits.

time MTV Award winner and a 2012 inductee into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Therapeutic court programs are attaining nationwide support. Early prototypes of these programs began in Ohio and Maryland over 30 years ago when it became evident that punishment was ineffective in changing addictive behavior. Many options were explored, and the verdict came in – therapeutic courts work. The first drug court in Prescott, Arizona, began in 2000.

When not on stage or in the studio, Sorum lives a life of service. He has been a longtime champion of drug courts.

His message to attendees was clear: they are the real rock stars. He thanked them for their tireless work saving the lives of those struggling with addiction and mental health issues. He said, On the website allrise.org, May 2015, Sorum said, “You believe in us when we can’t believe in ourselves.”

Today, the annual conferences held by the National Association of Drug Court Professionals bring together drug court providers from across the United States.

Professionals collaborate and share their experiences in breakout sessions that provide cutting edge, evidencebased practices designed to improve these criminal justice programs.

The individuals going through the therapeutic courts are the ones who make this movement so powerful and infectious. Drug and DUI court participants reflect all segments of the community; most have been using drugs for many years. The majority have previously served jail or prison time for drug-related offenses.

In 2015, at the Arizona Problem Solving Court Conference, held annually in Prescott, Arizona, Matt Sorum took the stage to share his love for drug courts, DUI courts and veterans’ treatment courts. Sorum has sold over 60 million albums with three classic bands: The Cult, Guns N’ Roses and Velvet Revolver. He’s a fivetime Grammy nominee, onetime Grammy winner, two- Stephen Benjamin 2015 graduate with Judge Cele Hancock 70

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Unlike traditional treatment programs, becoming clean and sober is just the first step toward drug and DUI court graduation. Most participants are required to complete a sober living housing program, and either intensive outpatient or inpatient treatment. They must also maintain employment, be current in all financial obligations, including drug court fees, and have a sponsor in the community. Many are Spring 2016

required to perform service hours where they give back to their community.

Drug courts goals for participants include reductions in drug usage and recidivism. Both goals are being achieved by graduates. But outcomes go far beyond these original goals: the drug-free babies born to drug court participants; the reunification of hundreds of families, as parents regain or are able to retain custody of their children; education and vocational training and job placements for participants; to name just a few.

Therapeutic drug and DUI courts provide a second chance for individuals. Instead of incarceration, they are offered a second chance, perhaps their last chance, to turn their lives around and be productive members of society. While not every participant is a success story, therapeutic court programs offer tools and education to help participants succeed. If they fail the program, it is usually because they are not ready or able to make the necessary life changes. In these cases, the individuals most often end up incarcerated.

Courtroom graduation ceremonies in Yavapai County, Arizona, began in 2000. Today, local communities are welcome to participate in the graduation ceremonies both to celebrate the success stories and to be educated about therapeutic courts. Community graduation ceremonies in Yavapai County began in 2015 and are held quarterly. The hope is that community members will see the impact of these court programs and, more importantly, the need for community support.

Therapeutic courts work! They are a win-win situation for the participants and the community. Bill Orick graduated from the Prescott, Arizona, drug court in 2004. Today, he is an active part of the Twelve Step community and is now the program director of Triple Point Recovery, a structured sober living program. At a recent graduation ceremony, Bill shared that drug court saved his life. Today, Bill is often referred to as a “recovery guru.” He has mentored and sponsored many addicts and never gives up on anyone. He attributes his success and sobriety to his Higher Power and feels he has been called to work with addicts.

Louie Gomez graduated from the Prescott Drug Court in 2003. He was a heroin addict for many years. He didn’t think he would be chosen for drug court; but he was able to attend and complete it; and it rocked his world. He had been so entrenched in his drug use that he had to make major life changes. As he embraced his sobriety “one day at a time” and developed a relationship with God, he noticed his life transforming.

2015 Max DeAngelis and Judge Cele Hancock.

is to give back, and indeed he does. He has given many individuals committed to their recovery a chance to work for him. In addition, he graciously provided graduation gowns for the recent DUI and drug court graduations.

John Snyder, a 2008 drug court graduate, now owns a construction company. Snyder began using drugs at age eight, and said he had spent over 17 years in and out of prison. He shared, “When I got out, my youngest daughter was already 17 and had a child of her own. I missed all my kids’ lives. My family had cut off ties.”

“In [Twelve Step programs], they suggest you share your life and your secrets with a whole lot of people,” Snyder explained. “By the time I got serious about myself, I was already 38. All those years I had been hiding behind drugs and alcohol, I had never grown mentally, spiritually or emotionally.” He became serious about recovery while in prison. “When I went to the drug court program, I did what they told me to do. I was just tired of going to prison.

Today, I have a fiancé and a three-year-old little girl who loves me. I have a business, and I employ people like me who no one else will hire.”

These and many other personal stories are powerful examples of the effectiveness of drug and DUI courts.

These courts change lives, one person at a time. Visit the drug court near you. Celebrate and support local recovery.

Your community will benefit from your support.

Louie and his wife, Angel, met in drug court; and they now have an eleven-year-old son. He never imagined he could become a successful business owner. Today he owns Prescott Tire Pros. He also served on the board of directors of a local mental health clinic for over eight years. His motto Spring 2016

In Recovery Magazine

Terri Stasiuk is a twelve-year employee of the Yavapai County Adult Probation Department in Prescott, Arizona. Half of her career has been in drug and DUI court as a surveillance officer and probation officer.

She notes, “Working with specialty courts is by far the most fulfilling job I have ever held.”

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That Dark Place

by Patti Crowley

T

he road was familiar to me in an eerie sort of way; I had been there before. It was the most frightening place I had ever been. The first time I traveled that murky road, I was living an unmanageable existence and feeling hopeless. At the time, I was hiding – or so I thought – an overwhelming dependence on alcohol and was experiencing that vicious cycle of wanting a drink, then needing a drink, then picking up a drink, then putting it down, and repeating the cycle.

Yes, I had been on this road before, yet I had somehow managed to find my way to a better place. I had asked for and had accepted help. Yet here I was again on that dark road, in that same lonely place.

I had been living dry, but sober, for almost four years when I moved across the country and started a new job, leaving behind my family and friends. My recovery program had helped me get sober, but I also left it behind. I had been experiencing the peace and joy that comes with a clear mind, an alcohol-free body and many repaired relationships.

After moving, I immediately began attending meetings in my new city, but soon began to feel the same despair, guilt and remorse I had felt early in my recovery. I asked myself, Who in their right mind would go back to that dark place?

I had promised myself I would never, ever go back.

After four years of sobriety, that first drink was, in many ways, premeditated. I didn’t sit around planning the day and time I would drink or what I would drink; but that drink was there waiting for me, and I was waiting for it.

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By then, my spiritual life was nonexistent. I was lonely in every sense of the word. Even though I was working hard, I was struggling financially. So when I went into the liquor department with a guy I was dating – who had no idea I was an alcoholic – it became clear to me that I would buy a bottle of wine.

I could not decide which brand to buy; the options were overwhelming. Should I buy dry or sweet? Do I want red or white? Because I took so long to select a wine, my date must have been confused. I now believe my Higher Power was trying to get my attention, but I chose to ignore the message.

That first sip of wine felt warm and soothing as it slid down my throat. Almost immediately I felt a thrilling shock through my veins; it was intoxicating. Yet at the very moment I started to feel warm and happy, I had a sudden lurch in my gut as if I had been punched.

This was the start of months of drinking; the deadly cycle had begun again. I remember going out to a bar dancing with that same guy and ordering one cocktail. I drank half of my drink, then excused myself to go to the restroom where I reached into my purse, pulled out a water bottle filled with vodka, took a few swigs, then returned to the table. After a few more trips to the restroom, my date laughed and told me I was a lightweight because I seemed so tipsy after just one drink. If he had only known.

Maybe he did, but I would never know because I sabotaged that relationship as I had every other one in my past.

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Spring 2016

At 48, I thought I was just not meant to be in a healthy relationship; maybe I didn’t even deserve one. The alcohol I was drinking served as my punishment for becoming the person I never wanted to be.

The regret, the pain, the hangovers, the shakes and then starting all over again the next day continued on and on.

Every morning, I awoke in physical pain and with an increasingly high level of anxiety. I swore again and again that I was done.

Throughout this time, I continued to attend Twelve Step meetings and pretended I was living a sober life. I even sat through a few of those meetings sipping from a to-go cup filled with wine or vodka. My obsession with alcohol was back in full swing, and the telltale signs showed clearly on my face and body. My eyes were watery and bloodshot, my fingers and ankles were swollen, and the lines on my face had deepened. I cried at meeting after meeting and late at night alone in my bed. I was right back at the bottom on that dark and dreary road, hidden from the sunshine of the spirit.

I had been bouncing in and out of meetings and not staying to get acquainted with anyone, so no one really knew me.

But after sharing about my ongoing relapse at a meeting, I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of support. A group of women surrounded me, offering hugs and phone numbers. They took me under their wings and breathed new life back into me.

Now every morning, I get on my knees and pray. I call another alcoholic. I go to meetings and I share. Instead of sneaking out of meetings without a word to anyone, I go early and stay late. I put in real effort to stay sober each day. Today I have faith that my Higher Power will keep me sober. This new faith was the missing piece in my earlier attempts at sobriety.

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2 0 1 6 R e t Re ats SympoSium on aa HiStory March 4-6, 2016

My relapse was not a result of my circumstances. It was not due to my financial condition or my move across the country. It was not due to loneliness. It was due to my lack of faith in a Higher Power. I drank that first bottle of wine and every drink thereafter because I had never fully subscribed to the notion that my Higher Power would keep me sober, if only I sought Him. I now seek Him, and He holds me in His strong arms and continues to do this as long as I simply ask. It is a beautiful thing.

radical ForgiveneSS a Women’s Retreat april 22-24, 2016 SpiritStock Into the Fourth Dimension Nov 11-13, 2016

I no longer need to walk that dark and lonely road.

Book today!

Patti Crowley is a 48-year-old mother of two wonderful young adults. A year ago, she moved from Chicago to Scottsdale, Arizona, seeking, not a geographical cure, but a great new start in a beautiful part of the country. She diligently works a strong program, attends regular meetings and writes a recovery blog, It’s Never Too Late To Reinvent Yourself, patticrowley.com

Spring 2016

For more information, contact jay@sedonamagoretreat.org or call 928-202-2672 sedonamagoretreat.org/recovery-series

In Recovery Magazine

73

Laughter is Legal

by Elizabeth J. Scott

I

had often heard the phrase “Laughter is the best medicine.” But it wasn’t until I had been in recovery for 17 years that I truly understood what it meant. The year was 2008; I was overwhelmed in my job, stressed by the events in my family and struggling in every other area of my life.

I was so distraught that I began researching the word “laughter” on the Internet and discovered a training program for laughter yoga in Laguna Beach, California.

What especially stood out for me was that the people pictured in the ad were laughing for no reason.

I immediately signed up and have been laughing ever since that anxious weekend. I have discovered that laughter truly is the best medicine for healing and preventing “dis-ease.”

After training with Dr. Madan Kataria, The Laughter Guru, who developed Laughter Yoga (Hasya Yoga), I became a certified laughter yoga teacher.

In 1995, Dr. Kataria started Laughter Clubs in Mumbai, India. The movement that began with five people laughing together is now in over 70 countries and has over 300,000 members.

Laughter Yoga is serious business. Science is providing evidence of the significant health benefits of laughter.

Giggles and guffaws relieve stress, depression and anxiety; strengthen the immune system; dilate blood vessels and stimulate circulation; and improve respiration, digestion and elimination – all for free!

Human brain chemistry is such that when we laugh, powerful chemicals are released – many of which addicts have sought so frantically to induce through active addiction. Dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins are “happy” brain chemicals. Endorphins, self-manufactured natural opiates, carry messages of attachment and bonding (the scientific terms for love) and stimulate feelings of caring and forgiveness. In addition, they act as natural painkillers, create a positive state of mind and boost optimism, self-confidence and feelings of self-worth.

Laughter can shake loose blocked emotions that are often stored in the body. Suppressed or blocked emotions can cause physical, mental and emotional problems; their release can provide life-changing results. Social interactions improve as laughter allows hormones and neuropeptides to flow through the bloodstream, further reducing stress and creating happiness from inner joy. The human connection and interaction in laughter groups can also reduce the feelings of isolation caused by addiction.

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Children laugh an average of 300 to 400 times per day, whereas adults laugh an average of 15 times per day. With such great benefits and no cost, it is sad that laughter tends to subside as we become adults.

So, how can one laugh for absolutely no reason? How can a person giggle at the painful consequences of addiction and the troubles and trials of everyday life? We can make a conscious choice to laugh, even if we don’t feel like it in the moment. Days are not good or bad; they simply are.

It is our perceptions and attitudes that make them so. We can be grim and negative and experience a life filled with worries and frowns – OR – we can choose to laugh and be jolly. Life is so much more enjoyable when we exercise our smile muscles.

The body does not know the difference between fake laughter and real laughter. The more one laughs, the more reasons one finds to laugh and enjoy life. Life becomes more at ease than at dis-ease. While beginning recovery and maintaining a healthy lifestyle isn’t always easy, laughter can provide a light at the end of the tunnel.

Individuals with a history of loss – lost relationships, jobs, friendships, opportunities and dreams – can gain a new perspective and lighten their mood. As Dr. Kataria says, “If laughter cannot solve your problems, it will definitely dissolve your problems, so that you can think clearly what to do about them.”

There is no bending or twisting like a pretzel in Hasya Yoga.

Laughter Yoga teachers do not tell jokes, use props or laugh for absolutely no reason. Laughter is contagious; and when laughing next to someone else, it is impossible to remain in negative emotions. Even if you don’t feel like laughing at first, remember, our bodies don’t know the difference between fake laughter and real laughter – and we still get the same great benefits. One minute of a good belly laugh is worth ten minutes of jogging or rowing – and it’s a lot more fun.

When someone is first in recovery, it may seem impossible to laugh. Addiction changes the brain; the centers for motivation, pleasure, reward, learning and memory are all affected. Part of a healthy recovery involves rewiring the circuitry of the brain and learning to release, connect, lighten up and not sweat the small stuff – learning how to engage in laughter instead of drama.

THERE’S REHAB. AND THEN THERE’S REDIRECTION.

Decision Point Center has created a modern, assessment-driven treatment program for young men and women 18-34. Our goal is to deeply understand what is at the root of your misuse as well as what is holding you back from the life you should be living. In doing so, we help you achieve so much more than a reconceived relationship with substances. We redirect you to a happy, productive, fully-realized life. Find out why it’s different at Decision Point. Call 877-722-3648 or visit us online at www.DecisionPointCenter.com.

Laughter is liberating, legal and, yes, addictive. Laugher helps us see that life is indeed “Very good, very good indeed! YAY!”

Elizabeth J. Scott is a certified laughter yoga teacher and an Arizona Licensed Substance Abuse Counselor.

She has been in the counseling and prevention field for over 20 years and in recovery for 24 years. She currently laughs with various groups and conducts workshops and trainings upon request. She may be contacted at ejlaff4joy@yahoo.com.

Spring 2016

505 West Whipple Street, Prescott, AZ 86301 877-722-3648 | DecisionPointCenter.com

In Recovery Magazine

75

Sober Dreams

by Mark M.

A

lcoholics sometimes worry when they have drinking dreams, but these disturbing dreams are not unusual. What would be unusual is a sober dream while still drinking. It might go something like this . . .

At the sudden conclusion of a long night of drinking, I passed out – I mean, I fell asleep abruptly – and dreamt that I woke up sober. In the dream, I apparently have a valid driver’s license, so I decide to go for a little sober drive.

I see a policeman I know well; he’s eating a donut while driving. I decide to pull him over because I want to do the Next Right Thing. Besides, paybacks are okay because I’m new to recovery. He tells me to go to an AA meeting and work on the sobriety problem that I don’t think I have.

Instead, I walk into a bar just to see how business is going now that I‘ve quit drinking. The bartender, who

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I know well, says, “What are you doing in here? You’re an alcoholic!” When a bartender tells you you’re an alcoholic, then you’re an alcoholic.

The bartender says he’ll be my temporary sponsor and wants me to take a coffee-making commitment for the next 85 years. I decline because I’m doing this A Day at a Time.

Besides, I don’t want to admit I don’t know how to make coffee; I just drink the stuff. As I leave, he suggests rather loudly, “Don’t take the next first drink.”

Presently, I find myself out in the street; I’ve become the Jaywalker. I’m crossing the Road to Happy Destiny when I see Mr. Brown and with my wife driving his sports car down the street toward me. He runs me over and then turns around and does it again. For a fleeting moment, I think maybe jaywalking is not a good idea.

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Spring 2016

With a new resentment and not knowing how to do the Inside Job, so I think maybe I deserve one measly little drink. I go to get one; but my bartender/sponsor, who seems to be everywhere, yells, “You don’t want a drink; you want a drunk!” Great, I think. My sponsor is channeling Socrates.

I decide to look for a new, more open-minded sponsor – and a drink. That Next First Drink appears. But someone has put whiskey in my milk, and I can’t get the milk out.

I am not one of those who would normally mix. I get a justified resentment.

All of a sudden, I find myself walking through a revolving door and into a smoke-filled room. Some guy with no last name is telling a story to a group of folks who are getting ready to take Certain Steps, but are balking at some Spring 2016

of them. I notice John Barleycorn at the back of the room motioning for me to come over to the easier softer way.

Just before I leave the meeting, I’m elected to the doorto-door Big Book salesman commitment. People are buying them, but some of them want to thump me with them.

“No thanks,” I say. “I’m already brain damaged.”

Someone asks if I’ve been Through the Wringer. I want to know if it’s a requirement. He says, “No, but it helps.”

I skip the wringer and go oblivion-seeking – I have nothing better to do.

I wander to where some Lower Companions are at the Jumping-Off Place and are looking down their noses at me as they dance too close to the edge. They don’t know that I’m not an actor; I’m The Director – a fact that is about to make my life unmanageable again. They don’t care; they just take my Inventory.

I leave before I digest any large chunks of truth about anything. Soon I notice a sign, “Beyond Human Aid.” I go beyond it to another sign that says, “Point of No Return.”

I say, “If I ever get that bad, I’ll quit forever.” But I know I won’t because I’m different.

A moment of temporary sanity occurs, and I decide to go the other way and look for a gratitude meeting. What a mistake! I gratefully wake up in the middle of it . . . . . . And suddenly, things are back to normal. I have a familiar hangover – my head feels like it’s going to blow off my neck. My complexion is gray, and I have dark circles under my eyes. There’s dried blood on my chin and elbows from the night before. I don’t much like The Man in the Mirror today.

Dishes, bottles and piles of bills are everywhere. And the car, where’s my car? I go looking for my drinking buddies to ask them if they’ve ever had a sober dream. One where you wake up in a cold sweat thinking, My God, did that really happen? Did I sober up?

One buddy said he hadn’t had nightmares for years.

Another one turned to the bartender and said, “I won’t be having what he’s having – even if you run out of everything else.” A third replied, “No big deal, it didn’t happen. You just woke up and couldn’t tell truth from fiction – happens all the time. We just don’t share about it.”

Before long, Mr. Brown and my wife stop by and say, “Some of your dream may be true. If you ever get the Book, read ‘The Family Afterward.’”

Don’t Quit Before the Miracle Happens – I didn’t. Today, I’m on the Road to Happy Destiny. I may have drinking dreams, but happily wake up sober.

In Recovery Magazine

Mark M. lives in a town near Ann Arbor, Michigan, with Danette, his wife of 23 years, daughter, Lauren, and two cats. He has been sober for 28 years. Humor has been vital to his recovery, and although laughter is not the best medicine for this disease, it does show the medicine is working.

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BodyTalk:

by Victoria Abel

M

Spring Cleaning

Happy spring cleaning!

ost people brace themselves between Halloween and Easter – I call it The Season of Sugar and Junk. It’s not just the Halloween candy; it’s the Thanksgiving pies followed by the holiday cookies and cakes. It’s being surrounded at the office by offerings of chocolates and goodies. After the New Year, we’re still not safe. Valentine hearts and chocolates follow, then we slide into Easter – bunny rabbits, chocolate eggs and those darn jelly beans (my personal weakness).

As these holidays pass and the weather begins to warm, let’s turn our thoughts to spring cleaning – not just our homes and pantries, but also our diets.

Some people think a juice fast after the holiday season is a good way to jumpstart their way back into healthy eating, but the damage from the fast may be worse than the fruitcake. When diets have consisted of turkey stuffing, gravy, desserts and candy, a fast can throw one’s system into shock and one’s liver into overdrive. The body might detox too quickly and could go into toxic overload.

In the first year of recovery, the liver is already stressed.

During this time, it is wise to avoid dramatic cleanses and fasts. A gentle cleansing is always a great way to get ready for spring. Aim for a 75 percent vegetarian diet.

Start the day with a green juice. Put some celery, kale, cucumber, green apple and ginger in the juicer. Don’t overdo – six ounces is enough. If you prefer smoothies, blend some greens, organic berries, cucumber, apple and chia seeds. Follow your drink with some easily digested breakfast foods such as steel cut oats with coconut oil and berries or organic scrambled eggs with some spinach, kale, mushrooms and onion.

For lunch, again stay with easily digested foods, such as vegetable soup with beans for protein or a giant salad with seeds, nuts and fresh herbs, such as cilantro and basil, topped with olive oil and lemon.

To assist your detox, snack on vegetables and fruits throughout the day. Cucumbers and hummus or some almonds and an apple are healthy choices.

For dinner, eat a small amount of chicken, wild fish, tofu or tempeh with steamed, roasted or sautéed vegetables.

Broccoli and cabbage are great for detoxing. Include a moderate portion of whole grains like quinoa, brown rice or barley for added fiber. Don’t forget to use healthy fats, such as avocado, olive oil, nut butters and organic

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Spring 2016

butter. Artichokes, beets, avocado, collard greens, flax seed (freshly ground), coconut oil and sea vegetables, including nori and kombu, are all great to add to your diet.

To help the body clean up after the gingerbread and candy hearts, remember to drink plenty of water – at least half an ounce of water per pound of body weight per day. For example, if you weigh 150 pounds, drink at least 75 ounces a day. That is one half to three quarters of a gallon of clean water a day. While cleansing, limit or avoid caffeinated beverages. Green, white, dandelion and pau d’arco teas are helpful for the detox process.

Whenever possible, remove sugar, gluten, processed foods, conventionally-raised meats and dairy. Include organic dairy products such as goat cheese, high quality yogurt and butter. However, be aware that consuming excess amounts of cheese and milk can cause congestion and slow down the detox process.

“Healing relationships with food.”

Develop and present nutritional programs and educational lectures at treatment centers.

Yoga, hiking, dancing and other types of movement also help the body cleanse. Using saunas, steams and a body brush support the body’s natural detox process through the skin.

One on one nutritional consultation, meal planning, weight management, and assessment for disordered eating.

Avoid dramatic shifts in your diet. Make the changes slowly.

Your body will thank you.

Nutrition and supplementation to ease detox, stabilize mood and reduce cravings.

Instruction on budgeting, shopping and cooking.

TESTIMONIAL

“Victoria helped me to manage the daily struggles of meal planning and grocery shopping - the mundane tasks we all must do. I am grateful for those things but am mostly grateful for the caring way in which she operates. I have lived in so much shame for as long as I can remember regarding anything to do with food. Victoria let me cry and was always genuinely interested in what was going on with me. We would talk about the things that seemed to have nothing to do with food but in fact were leading me to binge, purge, or starve myself.

Victoria has been an incredible light in my life - she was always so accepting of me - no matter if I had a good or bad food week.”

Victoria Abel, MA, MNT, is the founder and owner of Center for Addiction Nutrition. She has worked in the addiction counseling field for 20 years as a family, primary and trauma therapist. She is also a nutrition and eating disorders therapist who works with people healing from addiction, mood disorders, cancer and other chronic illnesses. She lectures nationally on addiction nutrition and teaches at Prescott College in Prescott, Arizona. She may be reached at centerforaddictionnutrition.com.

Spring 2016

See the last February, 2014 issue of the New York Times and the Summer, 2014 issue of In Recovery Magazine for more informaton on CAN Nutrition and Recovery.

Victoria Abel MA, MNT, CAN

vabel@cannutrition.com www.centerforaddictionnutrition.com

In Recovery Magazine

79

Humble Beginnings

by Nathan Cermelj

T

he story of boy meets girl on Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) campus takes many forms, and our story is one that continues to unfold. Big things often have humble beginnings . . .

Jasmine began drinking heavily when she left home for college. At the age of 21, she entered a treatment facility in Prescott, Arizona, far from her home in Bar Harbor, Maine. My story began as high school ended, when I began drinking and using drugs. After several arrests and multiple felonies, I, too, was sent to Prescott, Arizona, for help – 50 miles north of where I grew up.

Jasmine and I met in the rooms of AA, but we became close while working in a local restaurant. Our first date was almost ten years ago. We approached our relationship by becoming friends first, and we believe that is why our relationship has been successful.

Eight months later, Jasmine and I moved in together. We had both done well staying sober, and we began saving money for a down payment on a condo. At age 24, we bought our first house.

Throughout this time, we were both attending Twelve Step meetings every day, working fulltime and attending community college. Jasmine graduated with an associate’s 80

degree in nursing, and I received an associate’s degree in business administration, both from Yavapai College in Prescott, Arizona.

I hadn’t been honest about my sobriety date. After three years sober, I came clean and revealed the true date. It was a great weight off my shoulders, and it finally made my recovery process feel authentic.

Upon graduating from community college, Jasmine began working for a small billing company. I continued college for a bachelor’s degree in business administration from Northern Arizona University in Flagstaff, Arizona.

After graduation and many failed attempts at corporate work, I decided to go into the addiction treatment field.

I began as a group counselor, but quickly realized it wasn’t a good fit for me. I decided I wanted to do individual assessments and provide outdoor adventure therapy. I was given the opportunity to become a lead admission specialist at a local treatment center. Because I excelled at my work, they soon offered me a fulltime job.

On June 26, 2010, as the full moon rose over Arizona’s Verde Valley, I proposed to Jasmine on top of Mingus Mountain. It was beautiful, spectacular and perfect. We married exactly two years later in Northeast Harbor, Maine,

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

Nate and Jasmine Cermelj

near where Jasmine was born and raised. Our friends and family traveled from all over the country to join in our joyous celebration.

Craigslist, I found a home close to our new business, which we snatched up even though the rent was over twice the amount of our Arizona mortgage.

A year later, we began thinking about having a child. In 2014, Jasmine and I discovered she was pregnant and due in January of 2015. Having left the company I had been working for because of the 100-mile-a-day drive, I was in a state of flux.

I trusted my Higher Power and trusted the process. In early March, Jasmine, Remington, our two dogs and I hit the road for a two-week trip across the country. While traveling through Ohio, we visited family members and attended an AA meeting. The journey was extremely stressful because of the close quarters and the coordinating I had to do along the way. Despite the inconveniences, we arrived at Portland, Maine, in mid-March.

I decided to become a partner in a private institution.

When that business deal fell through, I felt clueless and lost.

I was encouraged by family and friends to open a treatment center and began exploring that option. In December 2014, I visited Portland, Maine, in search of a good location to open our own facility, which we decided to call Liberty Bay Recovery.

The trip was a success. Upon my return home, we decided to leave Arizona and move to Portland. Everyone thought we were crazy. Portland was experiencing one of the worst winters on record, but I knew my Higher Power was guiding me the entire way. Liberty Bay Recovery Center was officially created on January 1, 2015. I returned to Prescott and spent the month, six to eight hours a day, writing policies and procedures.

Many members of our families had gathered in Prescott in preparation of our baby Remington’s arrival. On January 14, 2015, we became the proud parents of a beautiful seven pound, five ounce baby boy. Remy is the best thing that has ever happened to either of us; we are blessed to have him.

In February while I packed up our three-bedroom house, Jasmine dealt with severe postpartum depression. We had originally planned to open Liberty Bay in South Portland, but that opportunity had fallen through. We finally found another location on Forest Avenue in Portland. On Spring 2016

The moment we walked into our new home, we felt we had made a terrible mistake. There was no furniture. It was 30 degrees outside, and there were several feet of snow still on the ground. To top all that off, the house smelled of lacquer.

We were afraid things wouldn’t work out.

In April of 2015, our business passed the state inspection.

By early May, we officially opened Liberty Bay Recovery. As we were still feeling uncertain about our future, it was an emotional time for us. Despite our fears, we received our first client on May 16. By the end of May, our first recovery house was completely full.

At first, it was a rollercoaster ride. I was dealing with severe depression and experiencing possible bipolar episodes.

Despite this, Jasmine persisted. She dug in and worked hard; the company began to grow and thrive; and I was able to find effective medication.

Our company now has four sober living homes: three for men and one for women. We are blessed to be in Portland, Maine, and to be providing addicts and alcoholics with the treatment they deserve. As long as we remain sober, trust God, clean house and help others, our future is bright.§

In Recovery Magazine

81

Recovery Tech

by Ashley Loeb-Blassingame

A

n important part of my recovery has been my insistence on never settling for good enough. As I look back on ten years of clean and sober time, I reflect on the long list of books I have read or listened to that have shaped my recovery.

Over the past five years, I have rapidly increased my consumption of books by incorporating the use of audiobooks.

These days, I listen to recovery-related books while I am walking my dogs, on the treadmill, driving, cleaning or even applying makeup.

Technology has come to the rescue in our ever-increasingly fast-paced lives by offering us a way to absorb books by listening to them instead of being stationary while reading them. Activities that used to be singularly focused, such as housecleaning, are now a cathartic time when I can engage in my recovery through the absorption of literature while at the same time improving the condition of my surroundings. It’s a win-win!

There are a myriad of good websites to download audiobooks for cost and for free. I have a monthly subscription with audible.com, which is my current favorite. The subscription cost is $14.99 per month, or you can purchase audiobooks individually. A few other good websites to check out are audiobooks.com, nook.barnesandnoble.com, downpour.com, scribd.com and digitalbookmobile.com.

supported by many local libraries that allows you to borrow ebooks and audiobooks from their collection with all the convenience of a local app. Once you are finished listening to the book, it is easy to digitally return your book.

Librivox offers access to more than 15,000 free and public domain works.

If you are an all-around bibliophile like me, I also suggest keeping track of what you read or listen to on a site/app called goodreads.com. Goodreads is like Facebook for book lovers. It allows you to keep track of all the books you have read, write reviews, rate them, search titles and, if you like, even create a recovery book group with your sobriety community.

Some suggestions for recovery-related audiobooks are: The Sermon on the Mount by Emmet Fox; One Breath, Twelve Steps: A Buddhist Path to Recovery from Addiction and Recovery and One Breath at a Time: Mindfulness Practices for Overcoming Addiction by Kevin Griffin; and Twelve Steps to Sobriety and the History of How They Work by Glenn Langohr.

If you like free audiobook apps, download Overdrive or Librivox to your smartphone. Overdrive is an option 82

In Recovery Magazine

Ashley Loeb-Blassingame grew up in Silicon Valley during the dot-com boom. She is a cofounder of a tech startup called Lionrock Recovery, a Joint Commission accredited online substance abuse treatment center.

In recovery herself, Loeb-Blassingame is passionate about sharing her experience, strength and hope with others. She enjoys what she describes as “a life beyond her wildest dreams,” and lives in Southern California with her husband and two large dogs.

Spring 2016

Ken Henderson

Memoriam

by New York Jimmy

K

en Henderson died at the age of 91 in Prescott, Arizona, on December 17, 2015. He was a World War II Navy veteran with 44 years of sobriety. He leaves behind a lasting legacy of helping innumerable people.

Ken moved from Los Angeles to Prescott over 20 years ago with his wife Eunice, who was active in Al-Anon. She passed away February 4, 2007. Ken’s sponsor was Clancy I., a well-known AA speaker. Ken called him every Wednesday afternoon.

Ken started the Rarely Group in Prescott. He used the same format as the Pacific Group that was founded by his sponsor in Brentwood, California. Ken had slowed down due to his age, but he still attended both the Sunday morning Men’s Stag Group and the Tuesday morning Seniors In Sobriety Group. He had given up his driver’s license, but many members continued to give him rides to meetings.

A few days before his death, Ken called me and Jim M., one of his sponsees. As he had just been transferred to a care home, he wanted to hold a meeting. Of course, we went.

Ken ran the meeting, telling us what pages to read, etc.

Ken was sponsoring people to the end. Jim M. tells his story: “I moved to Prescott from Charlotte, North Carolina, where I had lived for 38 years. I entered the AA program in 2000 and had had about ten sponsors – none who could keep me sober, until I met Ken. He showed me that he cared and took me though the Twelve Steps. He was extremely strict and made sure I obeyed his rules. I got in trouble one time when I was 15 minutes late with my morning phone call. Ken truly saved my life and showed me how to live the most unbelievable, serene, peaceful life I never dreamt possible.”

His brother, Arley Henderson of Houston, Texas, was also an active AA member. With the help of Clancy I., Arley Twelve-stepped his brother and persuaded him to move from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Over the years, he visited Ken in Prescott and spoke at the Rarely Group. After Spring 2016

a long illness, Arley passed away on December 2, 2014.

The Prescott Intergroup’s January 2016 Conscious Contact newsletter featured a note sent by Clancy I. In it he wrote: “Many years ago, I was sponsoring Arley Henderson . . . and he would give me occasional bulletins about an older brother who seemed to be drinking himself to death somewhere around San Francisco. Of course, I suggested he ask his brother to come down to Los Angeles for a taste of our Pacific Group AA; but Arley said that Kenny declined to do so, inasmuch as he had already unsuccessfully tried AA as an answer. I got Kenny’s number from Arley, and talked to him rather strongly about his situation; and finally (perhaps just to shut me up), he agreed to come down if we would pay the ticket for him and his wife . . . [Arley] sent the tickets immediately.

“In the middle of a Saturday ball game in our yard, Arley proudly brought in a man and woman, both of whom seemed to be on the edge of death. I didn’t feel they would be around long (especially [Ken]), and arranged for them to go to appropriate Twelve Step houses to at least spend their final days sober. Much to my surprise, Kenny took to AA like a fish to water.

Unfortunately, his poor wife was too far gone and died shortly thereafter. Kenny went to meetings . . . and flourished beyond expectations. After a couple of years, he met a widowed Al-Anon member [Eunice], and soon he left bachelorhood. Now, after 44 years of sobriety, he is gone, and will be missed by all who knew him. He is certainly a monument to working with people, even if they seem ‘hopeless’ or ‘too far gone.’ I am very proud to have been his sponsor and his friend.”

Ken was proud of his Navy service and was a regular volunteer at the Northern Arizona VA Health System. A service was held for Ken at the Prescott Veterans Chapel on Sunday, January 24, 2016. He was laid to rest with his wife, Eunice, at the Prescott National Cemetery.

I was proud to know him and have many fine memories of him. He has not left us; he has just changed his home group.

In Recovery Magazine

83

ARTISTS

Recovering 84

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

Aaron Lee Perry

A

aron Lee Perry is an artist, writer and printmaker from Louisville, Kentucky. He is a proud father and a recovering addict and alcoholic; he’s been sober and clean since April 12, 2015.

A 15-year alcoholic and drug addict, Aaron knew things had to change when his son was born. A few months later, after struggling through several relapses and a suicide attempt, he entered detox. He has also been diagnosed with major depression, social anxiety and symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder.

In sobriety, Perry has rekindled his imagination and artistic endeavors. Nicknamed “The Alchemist” because of his mixture of multiple media forms, his art traverses from low to high art and often includes writing elements.

Creativity, meditation and giving back to the recovery community are vital aspects of Perry’s recovery. A privately trained artist and former college dropout, he now works diligently to demonstrate that sobriety does not kill creativity, but instead enhances it.

He is the founder of the website SOBrSOLDIER, a home to his art, writing and recent new ventures in spoken-word recordings. He publishes his thoughts in SOBr Words, a thought-a-day blog. His writings may also be found at TheRealEdition.com and SinceRightNow.com.

After losing most of his work during his years of active addiction, Perry is rebuilding his art portfolio.

Printmaking is a recent passion, whether screen printing or linocut carving and printing. He continues to deepen his commitment to recovery and to broaden his artistic scope.

Spring 2016

In Recovery Magazine

Aaron Lee Perry is an artist, poet, printmaker, writer and founder of SOBrSoldier.com. He is a recovering addict/alcoholic from Louisville, Kentucky where he lives with his young son. He may be contacted via email at aperry@sobrsoldier.com or via Twitter at @thewastedpoet. He also runs his own online store, selling his original art, prints, t-shirts and other designs.

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Recovery is not an anchor, it is a pair of wings, it has helped me change my life for the better, and I want to make it possible for others to do the same. If you are in recovery and would like share your light along with what you have recovered, schedule your portrait session today by emailing me at douglas@motiveindex.com or go to hmni.org

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Robert Bush

FA L

We are doubling our outreach and expanding the collection by 30 additional portraits and stories to be included in our 2016 National Recovery Month exhibit. We are making a nationwide call for participants. We hope to take the exhibit across North Carolina and beyond. Come be a part of the project!

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ant Life Peter K of uhn By

NE

The most meaningful experience for me was the lesson I learned as I heard your stories and drew your portraits.

Everything we experience has a purpose, no matter how horrible it may seem in that moment. It is through these trials that our stories are written. When we emerge from these events and reveal our story to just one other person, it has the power to strengthen our resolve and to transform our lives.

dG

AZI

Through generous donations, we were able to reach our Kickstarter goal that funded a National Recovery Month exhibit of all the portraits I had completed for the project.

The exhibit was a huge success and helped us take the project to the next level.

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wing Pa ins JeremyroM iller

AG RY M

What an amazing first year it has been for The “Hello My Name Is . . .” Project. This project is possible because of people like you who believe Recovery Does Happen.

Thank you for all the love and support that has flowed in from around the world.

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Doug Lail is the founder of The Hello My Name Is... project, a collection of portraits and personal recovery stories.

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inrecoverymagazine.com Spring 2016

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• Nightly outside 12 step meetings addiction/dual diagnosis treatment • Equine therapy individual therapy program for women. In our 16 bed • Weekly volunteering at a PROGRAMS STEP DOWN FACILITIES erapy l u x u r y f a c i l i t y , w e p r o v i d e i n t e n s i•v e E q u i n e t hADDITIONAL homeless shelter The Rose Bud, The Rose Petal and therapy and facilitate the healing • W e e k l y v Tohl eu nRtoeseer iCnogt t a tg ea a r e s t e p d o w n n e c e s s•a r yA ft oh rl ewt iocmcel nu bt om ce rme ba et er s thhi ep h o m e l e s sh os uh seel st .e rT h e s e s t e p d o w n f a c i l i t i e s life they want for themselves. provide a safe and sober living • Frequent group outings e nb te. r Isnhcil pu d e d a r e w e e k l y • A t h l e t i c ec nl uv ibr omn em m

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1-866-76-SOBER (76237)

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sion, anxiety, trauma and personal-

DUAL DIAGNOSIS

www.calvarycenter.com

provide a safe and sober living

addiction/dual diagnosis treatment

Info@camelbacksoberliving.comPhoenix, Arizona

substance abuse; such as depres-

•

exquisite views

exquisite views P r o g r a m l e n g t h : 3 m onnetche ss spa lruy s f o r w o m e n t o c r e a t e t h e A N E X T E N D E D C A RTEh eA R D oDsI eC THIoOu N s e i s a n heoxutseens d. eT dh ecsae r es t, e p d o w n f a c i l i t i e s

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Spring i t y d i s2016 orders

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trauma therapy

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ADDITIONAL PROGRAMS STEP DOWN FACILITIES Sl up xi rui tr uy a fl a c i l i t y , w e p r osvi oi dn es , i rnatnednosmi v der u g & a l c o h o l t e s t i n g , a n d a c c o u n t a b i l i t y f o r lTi vh ien gR oa s e B u d , T h e R o s e P e t a l a n d Nt hu et rriat ipoyn aa ln d f a c i l i t a t e t h e h e a l i n g p r o g r a m o f r e c o v e r y . W e r e cTo hmem R e no ds e C o t t a g e a r e s t e p d o w n Cn oegcnei st isvaer y f o r w o m e n t o c r e a t e t h e a m i n i m u m 6 m o n t h c o m m i t mheon ut si en s . T h e s e s t e p d o w n f a c i l i t i e s

In Recovery Magazine

87

Hank Edwards

A

t a very young age, I knew art would encompass my life. It felt right – normal, if you will. I learned what true freedom meant through expressing my creativity. My artwork, whether realism, abstract or a combination, gives me an opportunity to express internal struggles – sobriety, control, judgment and the quest for acceptance – that have been stumbling blocks on my path to becoming a better human being. My work enhances my journey toward complete happiness.

Regardless of the subject matter, I use realism in many of my paintings. What I relate to, I paint. It’s an empathic experience that reminds me where I’ve come from.

Our lack of perfection is the beauty of being human in its purest form. The subjects of my current portrait work are famous religious and pop icons, many of whom have had private issues made public. Some have persevered through this very personal exposure while others have not. Surrounded by vibrant color, these black and grey subjects are my nod to the old adage, “All that glitters is not gold.”

My abstract paintings are about the release of control. The questions I ask myself are: How much control over things do I really have? or better yet, Do I even want the responsibility of being in control? The pouring and fluid techniques I use are my way of surrendering to the process of creativity. In most cases, this letting go of control is short-lived. Control finds its

88

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

way back into my work as I manipulate the edges where the pouring or fluid painting begins and ends.

I often say, “God had different ideas for me.� This is a proven truth in my life. I now spend most of my time painting commissioned and original pieces, and share my gift with people in the recovery community in the greater Austin, Texas, area as well as abroad.

hankedwardsfinearts.com

Spring 2016

In Recovery Magazine

89

Dear Addiction

by Brandon Howe

Dear Addiction, When we first started, I thought our love was true.

I’d wake up with thoughts only of you.

The years I’ve wasted are all ’cause of you.

It’s hard lookin’back at opportunities I blew.

All the promises I made and the lies that were said, left me alone, wishing I were dead.

You always came first, before family and friends.

I’m sick to my stomach over how this transcends.

You understand me – no one else comprehends.

I’m living a life where pain never ends.

You made me a villian, the one I despise.

So bad, I can’t look myself in the eyes.

That pathetic addict full of deception, Lying to all without exception.

A five or a ten or maybe just one.

There’s no limit to what I have done.

The weight that I carry feels like a ton.

I remember the days when I used to have fun.

To have you, I would have robbed banks.

I’m locked up in jail and I owe you the thanks.

A neverending saga, but now that is through.

I’m finished with you!

Don’t question me why when I tell you goodbye.

What? You expect me to break down and cry?

I’m leaving you now to get back my life.

I’ve lost it all . . . even my wife.

But all this will change and I’ll get it all back, if I stay clean and on the right track.

So find another dope fiend, there are millions like me.

I’m on the road to Happy Destiny.

Brandon Howe is a recovering addict and an inspiring writer. He has spent nearly five years of his life in jails around Virginia. He is currently serving time in Hanover, Virginia, where immates are blessed to have recovery brought to them by the McShin Foundation. Brandon is working on a full-length non-fiction memoir depicting the insanity of addiciton.

Bring Me a Flower

by Robert Milton Ingram

Bring me a flower and know that you are my child, conceived in love, nurtured in love, set free in love.

Bring me a wildflower and know that you are strong and creative, able to grow and flourish in any terrain.

Grow where you are planted; bloom and dazzle the world with your talents.

Bring me an orchid and remember that all of my children are precious.

Take seriously your obligation to tend to the most delicate of them.

Bring me a cherry blossom and know that time as you know it is fleeting, that I have given each of you just so much time to blossom; use your time wisely; fill every moment with beauty and grace.

Bring me a poppy and remember all those who have come before you, taking sustenance from the soil and enriching it anew with petals continuously reborn in the energy of the sun, the wind, and the rain.

Know that you, too, will experience the elements in all their glory and fury and that in time your petals also will return to the earth, giving new life to the perpetual garden.

Bring me a rose and know that you are the perfect manifestation of a perfect transcendence.

Bring me a bouquet of lilies and lilacs, gladiolas and carnations, magnolias and azaleas, tulips and daisies, and behold the beauty in the kaleidoscope that is you and me.

Bring me a flower and know that you are my child, conceived in love, nurtured in love, set free in love. Š 2005

Robert Milton Ingram lives in Phoenix, Arizona. He is a writer and composer who lives with his service dog, Biscuit. His poems have appeared in In Recovery Magazine, Harbinger Asylum and From One Sphere to Another: Best of Harbinger Asylum 2010. Some of his writings can be found on his Facebook fan page as well as at YouTube.com/IngramMusic.

Recovering artists . . . send us your photos and a bio.

Photos must be hi-res pdf, jpeg or tiff

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publisher@inrecoverymagazine.com In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

Steps to Recovery Homes The journey to recovery starts with a single step.

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Men and women are welcome here. We are centrally located and have many resources available to our clients. We are a non-profit facility and accept donations. Located in the beautiful Verde Valley, Arizona. We offer a clean and safe environment for those struggling with alcoholism and addiction.

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Come visit our thrift store All proceeds go to help support Steps to Recovery Homes Looking to de-clutter, get organized?

We accept donations Monday thru Saturday 9 am to 5 pm non-profit organization Spring 2016

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Twelve Step Calls by New York Jimmy Christian Approach, Proven Results Life Transformation Recovery is the #1 Christian, non-profit addiction treatment center in Northern Arizona.

Our program encourages clients to grow in their faith as they grow in sobriety.

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Advertising Index

Addiction Therapeutic Services . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 03 Billing Solutions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 97 Blueprints to Recovery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45 C-4 Recovery Solutions Conferences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 04 Calvary Addiction Center . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87 Camelback Recovery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87 Canyon Crossing Recovery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 Center for Addiction Nutrition . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 79 Chapter 5 Recovery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61 Decision Point Center . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 75 Embark Recovery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 Gallus Detox . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 01 Heroes & Horses . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 95 Hepburn Capital . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 Life Transformation Recovery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 94 Monarch Life Coaching . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 My 12 Step Store . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53 New Beginnings of Prescott . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 Oasis Behavioral Health . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 09 Prescott House for Men . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 Prescott Yellow Cab . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 95 Pronghorn Psychiatric . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 Sedona Mago Retreat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 73 Serene Scene . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 96 Skyhouse for Women . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11 Specialty Health Products . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29 Steps to Recovery Homes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 93 Teen Challenge . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41 The Rose House . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87 Viewpoint Dual Recovery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . back cover Viewpoint New Vista . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . inside cover Wilderness First . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 Wurth Organizing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69

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remember when we used to do more Twelve Step calls on wet drunks. I’ve been on some interesting ones. But just because we’re not doing as many, doesn’t mean there’s not Twelve Step work still to be done.

Some members do this work utilizing letter or email correspondence. Sometimes we have scheduled Twelve Step calls in prisons, jails and treatment centers. Over the winter holidays, Mel F. and I had the opportunity to hold a meeting in the Winslow State Prison in Winslow, Arizona.

I see these meetings as a gift. I am never thirsty after doing an Alcoholics Anonymous prison meeting. During my drinking days, I tried to stay out of jails. Now I look forward to going into jails where I am reminded of what “one day at a time” means.

While many people think of a Twelve Step call as being all about newcomers, let’s not forget those who’ve been around the program for a while. Lately we’ve lost some long-timers in my community. They died sober, and they will be remembered and missed. Some people say they go to the “Big Meeting in the Sky.” (Are the meetings down below small?) I like to think that they just changed their home group.

There are also many opportunities to take meetings to older, incapacitated members. I’ve had the opportunity to visit a couple of these folks in recent weeks; and as usual, I find I still learn from these old-timers. I remember one member, sober for more than 50 years, who gave me a new perspective on the Serenity Prayer. He said all those years he’d been saying the prayer the wrong way. Now, he says, “Please, God grant me the serenity….” For me, it adds humility to the meaning.

I remember hearing it said somewhere that despite what we are often told, the newcomer is not the most important person at any meeting. Equally important are those oldtimers who have shown me the way, and any middle-timer who may be suffering today. If newcomers are indeed the lifeblood of Alcoholics Anonymous, middle-timers and old-timers are its skin and backbone.

In Recovery Magazine

Spring 2016

Spring 2016

In Recovery Magazine

95

Serene

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Most programs focus on substance abuse and treat mental illness as a secondary issue.

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