FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 1822
VOLUME :P ISSUE 1,000,986
Hobart Deans Hatch Plan to Turn Campus into Mega Monster Truck Rally Zone The NY Times quivers in fear of The Herald’s recent takeover of the newspaper empire.
The Herald Stages A Hostile Takeover of The New York Times Hobart and William Smith students work diligently with the Outdoor Recreation Adventure Program (ORAP) to learn how to pitch and outfit their tents for their Quad housing placements for the Fall 2011 semester. Hobart Deans Hatch Plan to Turn Campus into Mega Monster Truck Rally Zone Fueled by a false sense of entitlement and beers, the Hobart Deans have decided to turn the campus into the world’s largest endless monster truck rally. The picturesque HWS greens and fuzzy Frisbee players will soon be replaced with diesel fumes, angry dads, and crushed metal. Several buildings will be leveled so monster trucks can crawl through the rubble while a fire-breathing
50-foot reptilian robot called Rex-A-Lot does battle with a laser-spurting mega battlebot and ACDC’s greatest hits roar over the din. An excited Assistant Dean David Mapstone explains, “for days we were trying to figure out what students want, and then it hit us: monster trucks!” Books and other stuff will be sold to bring in world-class trucks like Gravedigger, MONSTER continued on Page 3
The Herald’s readership is expanding. Not only are HWS students and alums embracing the Herald’s media efforts, but certain big-time celebrities have been taking notice of the Herald as well. Last week, on the Ellen show, Justin Bieber was quoted saying, “The Herald is great, it’s where I turn when I need to know the facts…when I need to know about life.” Oprah, Taylor Swift and Justin Timberlake have also been quoted saying similar things. As the Herald’s reader-base grows, so too does the Herald’s funding. In light of recent funding increases, certain changes are currently taking place. With the support of President Gearan, Herald Editor in Chief Belinda Littlefield issued a formal HOSTILE continued on Page 2
Forecasts Report Blizzard Conditions for Remainder of Spring 2011 Semester
...And BEYOND Aschildren,weareallaccustomed to believe certain fallacies. We believe that the Tooth Fairy leaves money under our pillow, and that Santa is a jolly man who shimmies down a soot-filled chimney. We pass no judgment on those who like our younger-version selves, talk of unicorns, ghosts and alien creatures. This isn’t about bursting your bubble, but the truth needs to come out. Another fallacy? Groundhogs lie. Punxsutawney Phil should be sent to jail for the crime he has committed this year. Unfortunately however, groundhogs cannot be incarcerated...and they can also not be held accountable for predicting the weather. This past Groundhog’s Day, Punxsutawney Phil failed to see his
shadow, signifying an early start to spring. Well, Phil must have been wearing some thick shades that day because spring hasn’t started yet, nor will it ever. But cheer up kids, Geneva is great in the winter, right? Since winter weather is in the forecast for at least the rest of the semester, students should stock up
Campus Happenings Russian Prime Minister
Vladimir Putin Invited to Speak at HWS by Russian Society April 1, 2012
Well, students, welcome to the rest of your lives: snow, snow, and more snow! Make sure to invest in a good coat and hat. on mittens, long johns and protective facemasks. Also, all students are advised to buy new their own packs of salt as well as some heavy-duty shovels. Only a few of the upcoming storms have been predicted thus far.
However, due to the severity of the pending storms, President Gearan has hereby announced that, “All Buildings and Grounds workers shall be relieved from their duties starting April 1, so as to not put their
Dublin Comments on the best Milkbone flavors, scratch spots and campus walks.
See Page 7
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 1822
Letters to the Editor Chief Enactor Belinda Littlefield Vice President Jacqueline Day Court Jester Tim Hollinger Chief Imagination Officer Whitman Littlefield Creatologist Amy Nimon
Contributors Bond. James Bond. “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father.” Han Solo Sirius “Padfoot” Black Holden Caulfield Elizabeth Bennett Awesome People Laura Alexander Annie Mandart Consistently Cool Ellen Harvey David Luna Syed Zaidi Maddison Case James Dempsey Jonathan Goldman Abby Kent Sports-Savy Jess McCue Anne Kietzman Star-Worthy Hannah Semaya Kirsten Spalding Literarily Known Melissa Warner Greek Beat Nicholas Batson Photographer Yang Hu (not for this issue)
Spends Too Much Time In Pub. Suite. Wakes Up Too Darned Early On Fridays
Belinda Littlefield Laura Alexander Annie Mandart Belinda Littlefield Morgan Williamson Melody Acosta
Women Writers! Why, ‘tis Positively Revolutionary It is a truth universally acknowledged that a student in want of reading will not find the time on this campus. It is appalling how many students sit and do nothing but stare at those glowing boxes that are all over this campus. In my day we went for walks, sometimes in the rain, to entertain ourselves- or to save one’s sister from her own scheming mother. And we read, and enjoyed it. I do have to say that I am delighted with the openness of your campus to women writers. Why even your paper has many female journalists writing for it, ‘tis very up lifting to see. I was reading your last paper and am intrigued by the spotting of a new civilization on the south side of campus. I think I have even spotted some of its members around the school- a very strange group of people, what with their haggard appearances, stained trousers and shirts, unkempt hair, dirty hands and glasses protruding down the tips of their noises; I wonder at their health. The one redeeming quality about them is their fine eyes, bright with intelligence, passion and ideas; why they almost rival the passion of your journalists, dear editor! I have just returned to England with my husband and have told my dearest sister-in-law of your school. Why she is ecstatic and hopes for an opportunity to visit your lovely campus as well, although she says she will avoid the south side- that civilization seems a little to revolutionary for her, (Darcy is standing right behind her, so she may be more influenced by his presence in this statement than in others). It is with great sadness that I must finish this letter but trust me dear editor when I say I shall be back.
Seeking Man With Six Fingers on His Right Hand You wouldn’t happen to have six fingers on your right hand would you? If not then please forward this question to all the men of Hobart, especially that man Mr. President Gearan, he seems very suspicious. Never trust a man in a suit; that is what Fezzini told me, they always have something up their sleeves. You see the reason why I must ask this question is because my father, who was a great sword forger, made the most brilliant sword for a man with six fingers on his right hand. It took him many years to finish it. He nearly killed himself from both starvation and a lack of sleep when making this sword. When the six fingered man came to claim the sword, my farther refused to give it to him, saying it was his masterpiece and he would make another sword for the man. The man was furious and, in his anger, struck down my father. As he turned away, I picked up the sword and turned to fight him; however, because of my age and grief I was beaten and given two scars on both my cheeks to remember him by. So you see after that I went to study to be a swords man and became one of the best; only the man in black has defeated me, but as my quest became more hopeless I turned to drink, it was only Fizzini that saved me. And now he is dead. And this is why I write to you dear Signore, for you know many, and I know so few, plus I have some free time while I wait for the nearly dead man in black to be ready to take Miracle Max’s chocolate pill, in order for him to help me and Fesic rescue his one true love. Ah, it looks as if we have found a good hiding spot, so I must stop, but please if you know of the six fingered man please write back urgently.
Inigo Montoya ADVERTISEMENTS
PROGRAM continued from Page 1 letter to New York Times company chairman, Arthur Ochs Sulzberger Jr. this past week. In the letter, Littlefield explained that the Herald is currently “hitting it bigtime”. In order to make the Herald even more popular, Littlefield notes that “a more recognizable name might be necessary”. The letter goes on to say that the Herald, with a lofty donation from Bieber, shall be buying out the entire New York Times empire. With the New York Times eliminated Bieber’s hefty contribution has from the media front, the enable The Herald to takeover Herald has adopted a new The New York Times Empire. name, The Herald Times. these production changes, The Staff writers for The Herald Times contacted Herald Times is enlisting the Sulzberger Jr. to get his views help of the United States Army. Now, the brave men and on the take-over. “What can I say? They’re edgy, creative women who fight for our and trying to take over the country will be fighting for the world. And now that they have production of our paper, working that Bieber kid in their fan- tirelessly on the front lines of ink base, there’s really no stopping and newsprint. Since President Obama is too busy to lead the them.” In addition to the name army in this pursuit, he has change, a few other adjustments appointed Bieber to the position, shall be made. Rather than since he is already familiar with coming out on a bi-weekly basis, the paper. The staff of the new The The Herald Times will now come out on a daily basis so that Herald Times is eager to see it is always one step ahead of how these new changes will the news. In order to facilitate pan out.
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FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 1822
sgnineppaH supmaC Mummy Lodges Complaint Against HWS for Illegal Incarceration The Herald Times has launched an investigation into the illegal incarceration of the Akhmin Mummy, currently residing in cold storage of the Warren Hunting Smith Library. The Mummy recently made allegations against HWS that she had been illegally incarcerated for the past three years in the library. “I didn’t have a problem with calling HWS my home; in fact, I’ve rather enjoyed watching all the generations of students passing through the hallowed halls of the Warren Hunting Smith Library,” the Mummy told The Herald Times. However, this all changed in 2008 when renovations were started on the library’s first floor, necessitating the removal of the Mummy from her public location. “I understand that it was necessary to protect me from falling debris and the dust that comes with any construction site. I, myself, helped to supervise the building of the pyramid temple in which I’d been buried for who knows how many years now,” stated the Mummy. While she understood the necessity of the move, she never expected that, two years after the renovations had been completed, she’d still be making her home in the library’s basement. “I just want to be a part of things. I remember when students would bring their parents to see me from the doors of the library. Now, I rarely see anyone, except for an occasional library worker. In light of the Colleges’ refusal to include the Akhmin Mummy in “Furthermore, I am no longer mentioned on tours and all traces campus life, the Mummy has lodged complaints that she is being of me have been removed to the basement of the library, even illegally incarcerated, launching an investigation into the matter. pictures which attest to my existence for students who never had taking a lot of food from Saga, but I do not have the means to read, much less the opportunity to observe me themselves,” argued the Mummy eat, so I cannot be held responsible for either of these offenses,” the Mummy when prompted to comment on the move. When one random first year was asked what he thought of this issue, he told The Herald Times in response to an inquiry of whether she was currently responded with a blank face and asked, “What mummy?” This kind of reaction on social or academic probation. The Herald Times was able to get a statement from HWS Archivist Linda is the one that the mummy most fears, as she is currently residing in the Benedict, who said, “She has not been incarcerated. She was homesick and basement of the library. The Herald Times attempted to find out if the Mummy has committed any asked to go back to the peace and quiet, and dark of her former home.” acts of vandalism or been present when underage students were drinking, Implications have been made against the Mummy that she just likes attention but could find no record of any offenses which might justify the Mummy’s and this complaint of illegal incarceration is just a ploy to get her own reality show. If any student or faculty member has any information pertaining to this imprisonment. “I could understand if I were being punished for stealing a library book or case, please contact The Herald Times at email@example.com.
HWS Students to Live on Quad in Fall 2011 Due to Housing Shortage
Hobart and William Smith students work diligently with the Outdoor Recreation Adventure Program (ORAP) to learn how to pitch and outfit their tents for their Quad housing placements for the upcoming Fall 2011 semester.
Hobart students practice building igloos in preparation for living on the Quad during the 2011-2012 academic year.
MONSTER continued from Page 1
William Smith College founder William Smith bundles up for the forecasted snow storms, scheduled to continue throughout the remainder of human existence and beyond.
BLIZZARD continued from Page 1 any lives in jeopardy. “We take pride in the lives of our workers, and we would hate to see any of them hurt in the upcoming snowstorms. Therefore, all students must now learn to fend for themselves. Good luck kids!” Soon, Geneva will look like a snow- apocalypse again. All
students should cherish the last remaining days where the quad is visible, because soon enough, these days will be no more. Lessonslearned?Parentslietous when we are children, groundhogs cannot predict the weather, and it is going to snow from now until the end of eternity.
Excalibur, and Bulldozer. “When I was a student here, some guy drove his car through Coxe Hall. That was great. This will be better,” says Mapstone, adding for effect and with an echoing reverb, “HOBART! HOBART! HOBART!” Dean Eugen Baer says he is thrilled at the opportunity, “I’m going to drive one of those puppies… the shear power, the clamor, the crowds…” Baer trails off. A glimmer passes his eye. After a minute he exclaims with gusto, “I can’t wait to crush some cars!” Baer is already known to park by feel. A lot of preppy Vineyard Vines students will be asked to become grizzly hicks. Associate Dean Rocco L. ‘Chip’ Capraro, tapping his fingers together with glee, notes, “College is about becoming the person you want to be; we think this will make that happen.” As massive trucks crumple the cars that park with their hazard lights on along Pulteney Street, and tumble through the air, students will be saying things like, “this looks so demolition! This one crazy car’s
rippin’ all the tame cars up! ‘Oooh I’m on fire! Put me out!” The Deans’ secretarial staff will be tasked with implementing many of the changes. Deans Office Commander Karen Vanderlinde is confident. She has done this sort of thing before, “it’ll be a lot of sensory overload, lights, flames, engines… the works.” Assistant to the Deans Roberta Whitwood is also already hard at work. Currently she’s trying to get a rocket car for Dean Bear, and says with measure, “I think he’d like that.” There are no obstacles to the plan as the William Smith Deans Office is still addressing paperwork from two years ago and the administration has been holed up in the quad bunker for the past two years on the off chance Nostradamus was right. When asked how she felt about the plans, Stantigo Tawtnav ‘12 yelled, “We’re out of tiger blood! Who’s down to fly to Siberia!?” Tawtnav’s view is shared by many students, who can’t wait for the Colleges to become a Monster truck Mecca.
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 1822
sgnineppaH supmaC EROM The Popular TV Show Glee Cancelled
No details have, as of yet, been released for FOX’s decision to cancel the popular musical show. Sue Sylvester has since commented, “Well, what did you expect? Let’s break it down. You want to be creative. You want to be in the spotlight. “Face it: you want to be me. So here’s the deal. FOX did with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother: euthanize it. It was time.”
“Fame is the most important thing in our culture now, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that no one’s going to just hand it to you, “ responded New Directions member Rachel Berry. Berry further commented that this was just one more obstacle that New Directions would overcome, FOX or no FOX. Brittany S. Pierce then commented, “I’m more talented than all of you; I see that clearly now. It’s Brittany… Bitch.”
President Gearan Mounts Campaign for U.S. Presidency Today, on April 1, 2011, HWS President Mark Gearan will announce the launch of his 2012 Presidential campaign, naming Dean Eugen Baer as his running mate. Dean Baer, having had no knowledge of this, could not be found to comment on Gearan’s campaign or his own role as running mate. “College administration generally and, in particular, small, residential, liberal arts colleges have always been things I thought I would like to be a part of, because of their importance, because they are mission-oriented, because they are value-centered,” Gearan said; he then went on to explain that he is now ready for a new challenge. So far, no details have been released about what platform he will be supporting, except to say that Gearan will be seeking the Democratic nomination in line with his previous experience serving in the Clinton administration.
When President Barack Obama was asked how he felt about Gearan’s decision, he responded, “I am not pleased by the move.” He declined to elaborate on the statement when prompted by The Herald Times. Gearan is expected to use the HWS campus as his campaign headquarters; he plans to work closely with HWS Votes to organize his campaign over the next year. As a presidential candidate, Gearan has a lot to offer to the position, having previously served in the Clinton Administration. Gearan has taken an active role in both the 1988 and 1992 presidential elections, thereby making his own campaign a return to familiar ground. On June 22, 1995 Gearan was nominated by President Clinton to be the head of the Peace Corps. Gearan is currently seeking a campaign manager; all inquiries should be directed to Gearan at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Hippies Burn One Down “Burned out” were the first words to come out of Mayor Jimmy Daniels’ mouth when he woke on Monday morning and surveyed the torched remains of Ignis. The fire that ripped through the town over the weekend left few buildings standings and resulted in no causalities. The inferno spread from a nearby music festival. Daniels was quick to lay the blame at the feet of the show’s producers, “those hippies really burned it up,” he said. The town has been a host of GoGo Goat Fest for nearly a decade but this is the first time there has ever been a problem of this magnitude. One resident said, “They usually have a lot of pyrotechnics so we see smoke rising from that direction while the festivities take place. Normally the town feels great while it’s going on. Everyone loves it.” But this year things took a turn for the worse when headlining artist and performer Willie Nelson took the stage. Witnesses of the show
say that before Nelson could get through his first song, a blaze leapt up from backstage, starting a panic. Rain Wildflower recalled with some difficultly, “Everything happened so fast, it’s really all a haze. I think I heard someone shout out a warning.” Others agreed saying they heard a voice cry out, “Get up. Stand up! Run for your life!” As the blaze spread across the grounds, it sent the crowd and venders fleeing into the streets. One group managed to climb Ignis’s water tower, where they reported, “We were high enough that the blaze didn’t really affect us.” Others, on the other hand, watched the carnal nature of the flames as it destroyed the town, “it burned baby, burned. It was an inferno.” Daniels concluded with a plea for help, “Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can, No need for greed because that’s what we’ve got right now. We hope the whole world is watching, maybe they can help.”
Festival April 1
5 p.m. The Quad
President Gearan meets with prospective voters on the Hobart and William Smith campus to start spreading the word about his 2012 Presidential Campaign.
Hobart hockey player practices with new 5-year-old recruit, who is considered to be a hockey prodigy and high hopes are had by all that he will be a great asset to the team.
Scratch & Sniff