“When injustice becomes Law, resistance becomes Duty.” – Thomas Jefferson Issue #247
Don’t Cry About the News, Laugh About It! Formerly the Comic Press News
(About hal f a subscripthat with tion!)
21+ Years of the Very Best in Political Satire w w w . H u m o r T i m e s . c o m
Sometimes it seems the whole world has gone nuts. Zombies are allegedly coming off the movie screen and eating hobos on the street. Police are tasing everything that moves, including naked old ladies (true!). Banks gamble irresponsibly with money they wouldn’t have if we hadn’t bailed them out, and continue to get nothing but a slap on the wrist from fawning senators, who hope for a campaign donation. Workers vilify other workers, just because they belong to a union and have better wages and benefits because of it, forgetting that unions won the 40 hour week, overtime pay, and weekends off from greedy corporations, who are well on the way to taking those things away again. Elections are sold to the highest bidder – and we don’t even get to see who bid. The corporate media is no help, running their “he said, she said” “journalism” 24 hours a day. They don’t have a budget for real investigative journalism any more, opting to “entertain” us instead, only succeeding in making things more confusing. It’s pure insanity. But the powers that be like the population confused, feeling helpless. Millions become frustrated and tune politics out, which is just fine by them. We’re slowly turning into a plutocracy – rule by the wealthy, for the wealthy – and we’re being turned against our own government, convinced it is our enemy. Well, in a democracy, the government is supposed to be US. Don’t let them turn us against ourselves. Instead, let’s reclaim our government. To do that, we need to tune out the corporate message machine, not politics. It’s the big money that is distorting politics, turning it into something so ugly we’d rather not look. But we don’t have to see it through their prism. One thing we do have in these modern times is the ability to find myriad sources of information. We don’t have to digest the fast food of corporate “news,” we can find healthy sources of information, and learn the truth. And as the old saying goes, “the truth can set you free.”
One Day, Middle Fork American, Tunnel Chute run!
Per person, with Lunch, Monday - Friday only.
to our website
for special discounts!
1.888.RAFTWET Be our fan! facebook.com/wetrivertrips Follow us! twitter.com/wetrivertrips
E R R I V
P S T R I
– James Israel, Publisher/editor
Califor nia Stage presents
P.S. Need a Website or a Website Manager or Know Someone Who Does? If you’ve got a business, or a band, or need a website for any reason – please consider hiring me! It doesn’t matter where you live, a website is universal, and you don’t really need someone local to do it for you. I can review your site and suggest ideas for improving it, making it more appealing, easier to navigate and faster. I do SEO and social media work as well, to help bring your site more traffic, resulting ultimately in more sales for your business! Yes, I confess, I’ve been moonlighting. You know where to reach me. Thank you! The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 21, Issue 247, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3127 Broadway, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Inc., Galt, CA 95632. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: email@example.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, P. Beckert, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, Ben Krull, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2012. No part may be reproduced without permission.
AY ONLY ONE D
July 31 7pm
25 & R, Midtown • Tickets $10-20
Wilkerson Theater in the R25 Arts Complex • 1725 25th Street, Midtown aa Easy free parking available • Reservations: 916-451-5822 or online at www.CalStage.org
Don’t Keep All the Laughs to Yourself – Give HUMOR TIMES Subscriptions!
$1 • SAVE A BUCK by entering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $1 ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!! Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ If a gift, your name: ________________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $19.95 12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $33.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $36.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $50.95 36 issues (3 years). . . . $53.95 12 issues/PDFdownload . . . . $9.95 Please Check if RENEWAL. Subscriber # (on label, starts w/‘S’): ___________ Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________ Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a
Or use your: p Discover
p American Express
Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)
Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________ (Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-455-1217.)
Super-Sized ‘Democracy’ Money talks, and big money walks...
right into the heart of government.
The Supremes decreed it so...
and that is that...
so we can look forward to more of the same. There can be drawbacks to Super PACs, however.
Voter Fraud Fraud Republican governors see big trouble...
Vic’s Ice Cream at these fine locations!
and are working to thwart it.
VOTED SACRAMENTO’S BEST ICE CREAM!
Vic’s Ice Cream is a delicious homemade treat anytime! Enjoy any of dozens of fabulous flavors, including IRISH COFFEE! And check out our homemade soups & sandwiches! Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years. Family owned & operated.
3199 Riverside Blvd.
Also Available at: BURR'S FOUNTAIN
4920 Folsom Blvd. 5050 Arden Way Sacramento Fair Oaks
And perhaps there should be a minimum threshold.
Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com
Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care. Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment. Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.
Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.
ADVERTISE IN THE HUMOR TIMES! • 916-455-1217 • firstname.lastname@example.org July, 2012
Campaign Treasure Hunters From out of the green mist enveloping the campaign doldrums they come. Re lent lessly. Dog gedly. Cattedly. Trudg ing, blank-faced and soulless. Armies of cash-hungry zombies brandishing partisan pickaxes, shovels and crowbars, with only one goal rattling around their feverish brains. Campaign booty. Pieces of eight. Entire 8s. Eight-figured 8s. We’re in that lazy seam that marks the home stretch to the National Conventions, with little else to occupy opposing squads than raising moolah to prepare for the epic upcoming battle. Negative ads don’t grow on trees, you know. The peripatetic participants are as frenzied as reef sharks in shallow, tuna-rich waters trying to raise a little bit of money here, some more money there, how about all that money — everywhere. At this point, the staffs are so laser-focused you’d think they were being pursued by the hounds of fund-raising hell. Maybe they are. Or the ghost of John McCain’s ‘08 late October. In May, President Obama picked up a measly $60 million versus $76 million for the presumptive Republican nominee, and those figures were considered by most experts to be a drop in the Suck-It bucket. Slack City. Chump change. Must have been distracted. Weren’t really trying. Had their minds on other things. It was Sweeps Week. But with the election less than five months away, the time for random tips and digging under couch cushions is over. Right now, the collection plate is being passed with both congregations weighing and judging from behind praying hands. And the candi-
dates have tuned their industrial-strength choir operations to sing en masse in the key of Thee. Except for Cory Booker. The two campaigns expect to raise a billion dollars each by September, and that doesn’t count the capital being sucked up by the Super PAC vacuums either. They laughingly call this speed-dating money-grab a “listening tour,” but the only folks being heard are the ones speaking with big, fat wide-open wallets. The country is being strip-mined for campaign gold. Keel hauled for buried treasure. Huge looting machines are dangling potential donors by the heels to shake large bills, blank checks and loose change out of pockets. Then they get a sucker and are encouraged to go away. But stick next to the phone. There might be another call. Might, as in, will. Repeatedly. Can’t blame the politicians; it was the Supreme Court that fired the pistol starting this Amazing Race for Wampum when it decreed money to be free speech. The campaigns are simply searching for the most strident voices. Human shrieking megaphones. We’re in the audition stage of American Idol where loudest equals bestest. Only problem is, one air raid siren sounds an awful lot like another. Don’t bother asking what these big-time donors get for their greenbacks; you don’t want to know. That’s the dark side of democracy: those that give, get. Currency gets you access. Access gets you influence. And influence is just a small step away from being appointed to head a panel to write your own arsenic loophole into tap water regulation.
Face it people: In America today, the major difference between a campaign contribution and a bribe is five syllables. The cynical among us might say we no longer bother engaging in elections, we conduct auctions. But like everything else in this country, at least they’re big. And loud. And expensive. The Potemkin Candidate Permanently capitalizing the P in Presumptive Nominee, the Texas primary shoved Mitt Romney right over the delegate precipice, and now with the nomination locked up tighter than a rusted pickle jar 20,000 leagues beneath the sea, the campaign has taken a sudden turn towards the nebulous. Ambiguous-Ville. A candidate doesn’t make mistakes in the murky bog of summer. Even when they do, the atmosphere is too hazy to notice. One advantage to this smoky, shapeless strategy is it plays directly to the man’s strengths. The former governor of Massachusetts doesn’t have what you might call an actual, distinct personality. He’s more of a virgin canvas. A good-looking blank slate onto which any number of convictions and philosophies can be believably projected. He’s the coloring book and we voters the crayons. And no fighting over who gets to be burnt sienna. One of the major pitfalls inherent to this kind of approach is the strong jawed father of five strapping boys just might play the part too well and come to epitomize what Gertrude Stein said about Oakland: “There’s no there there.” The guy makes a void look cluttered. Nobody in the GOP wants to be associated in any way with Oakland, much less have the top of the ticket become a patron saint. The Potemkin Candidate needs to project a quality more substantial than some shape shifter with a supernatural ability to assume the identity of whomever or whatever they plant next to him. Probably why you don’t see many Romney rallies held at zoos. Too afraid he’ll pose next to the chameleon cage and turn all green. Another potential mine in the Road to Tampa is the struggle to keep Willard from hanging out with the wrong crowd. You know, other Republicans. Especially distressing to see him palling around with Donald Trump. Again, like being photographed at a clown convention. No matter how hard you try, some of that white face is bound to wipe off on the shoulders of even the most ghostly of political shadows. Donald Trump: a man who is to sober judgment what chocolate-covered marshmallows are to quantum physics. Fueling more fickle furnaces that suspect he’ll say or do anything to get to 50.1%, Romney refuses to criticize The Donald, even when the reality show host spouts further Birther nonsense. “Obama was born in Kenya.” No, he wasn’t. He was born in Honolulu. In a manger. Everybody knows that. When asked why he continues to press on with this discredited charge, Trump said: “People on the street tell me not to give up on the issue.” Donald, for crum’s sake, you live in New York City. People on the street also say “My tricycle sprouted wings and is made out of plutonium.” Although when you think about it, the Oxymormon needs to pick a vice president who makes him look presidential, and The Donald might be the perfect choice. Next to him, Lou Ferrigno looks presidential. Manny Ramirez. Some random guy in a banana suit, twirling a sign. Of course, featuring these two titans of industry, people would either flock to or flee from the Vulture Capitalist Ticket. You’ve heard of Dumb & Dumber? Welcome to Rich & Richer. Even George Will would admit it’s a pairing that would go a long way into nailing down the bloviating ignoramus vote. Start cranking out the bumper stickers: “Romney/Trump 2012. We like to Fire People!” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy Durst’s book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com. Every Tuesday. Elect to Laugh! The Marsh. San Francisco. themarsh.org. Special $10 tix. Use code “vote.”
WEBSITES Done well, quickly, cheaply!
War on Sodas NY Mayor Bloomberg has decreed giant sodas illegal...
Need a website for your business, band, blog or for personal use, but don’t have the time or inclination to do it? Or have one, but the time spent maintaining it is taking away from other important responsibilities? We’ll do it for you, at a fair, very affordable price. You may be surprised how cheaply we can design a simple, yet quality website for you. We can work with you no matter where you live. Work done by the trusted, competent, fair folks here at the Humor Times!
Humor Times Website Production email@example.com • 916-455-1217 PO Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816
The Original Home Brew Outlet Finest Fermentation Equipment & Supplies in Sacramento Beer, Wine, Mead, Sake, Cider, Soda & Vinegars
Open 7 Days
and the NYPD loves any excuse to stop citizens.
Classes & Gift Certificates Available (916)
5528 Auburn Blvd (Auburn No. of Garfield) Mon-Sat 10-6 • Sun 10-3 www.ehomebrew.com
Meanwhile, America loves its soft drinks.
Wake someone from their media-induced coma! Give the HUMOR TIMES! July, 2012
Presumed Rominee Romney got a very vocal backer...
and is hoping for a big lift.
He says Obama is out of touch...
and Romneyâ€™s supporters expect big things from him.
The party is preparing him to run...
and trying to keep everyone on message.
The Obamanator Obama is ready to ride the wave to re-election...
but needs to raise lots of dough to do it.
Heâ€™s got some setbacks to deal with...
which could spell doom.
like a moribund economy...
Meanwhile, GWâ€™s portrait arrived at the White House.
What They’re Saying A new report by Emmanuel Saez, the nation’s leading academic expert on income inequality, shows that the top 1 percent captured a staggering 93 percent of all the real income growth in 2010. The bottom 99 percent captured only 0.2 percent after losing nearly 12 percent from 2007-09... America is a rich nation, but our wealth is now too concentrated among the few. As in Iraq, we squander trillions in foolish wars of choice abroad. The wealthiest Americans pay lower tax rates than their secretaries. These should not be contro ver sial statements. We can’t simply tell a young generation that the American Dream is a nightmare for them. We can’t have a prosperous economy if the middle class is sinking. We will not long be a democracy if the wealthiest pocket the rewards and check out of building the nation... We can keep going on the path we’ve been on, or change our course. To do that, Americans will have to mobilize, take on the entrenched interests and demand a change. – Rev. Jesse Jackson, Reader Supported News, March 14, 2012 “Our elections have replaced horse racing as the sport of kings. Only these kings aren’t your everyday poobahs and potentates. These kings are multi-billionaire, corporate moguls who by the divine right, not of God, but the United States Supreme Court and its Citizens United decision, are now buying politicians like so much pricey horseflesh. All that money pouring into Super PACs, much of it from secret sources: merely an investment, should their horse pay off in November, in the best government money can buy.” – Bill Moyers, billmoyers.com, February 13, 2012
The Hightower Lowdown Wall Street’s Mutant Greed Gene Marches On In the realm of prevarication, there are deceivers, fibbers, liars, politicians ... and Bank of America. For weeks, this financial behemoth has been running a nationwide PR blitz, portraying itself as a loveable bunch of public-spirited bankers — hoping that you and I have no memory of its two taxpayer bailouts, constant fee-gouging, illegal foreclosures on homeowners, firing of 36,000 employees, etc. Before you believe a word that these “truth adjusters” say, note that they’ve even been caught lying outright to their own shareholders! Following the 2007-2008 Wall Street collapse, not only did the bank get a $15 billion bailout, its executives and federal regulators colluded to make the too-big-to-fail giant even bigger by flinging the foundering investment powerhouse Merrill Lynch into its maw. To win shareholder approval of this merger, the bank’s top executives issued a rosy assessment of the takeover, promising that it would produce golden profits within only a year or so. Recently, however, internal documents filed in a shareholder lawsuit revealed that the honchos, including the CEO, knew at the time of the December 2008 shareholder vote on the takeover that their predictions of early profits were “materially false” and that, indeed, swallowing Merrill would choke the owners with billions of dollars in losses. Moreover, the merger deal struck by the geniuses at the top was so bad that they knew
BOA would have to get a second federal bailout (this one turned out to be $20 billion) to stave off total collapse. Shareholders, who were told none of this, unwittingly voted for the merger. Even the bank’s top lawyer was kept in the dark about the false assessment presented to shareholders. When he learned of the big lie two days after the shareholder vote, he tried to talk to the chief financial officer about the need to admit the ruse. Instead, the next day, the lawyer was summarily fired and escorted from the bank without even being allowed to collect his personal belongings. There’s a loveable bunch for you. Forget the PR perfume that BOA’s now spritzing around, Bank of America stinks to its core. But it’s hardly alone in reflexively doing things that most of us would recognize as wrong from our kindergarten days. Perhaps there’s some sort of greed gene that prompts compulsive outbreaks of financial graspiness by giant bankers. How else to explain the chronic gouges, excesses and scandals that we’re getting from this one, small subgroup of human beings? Their latest reach is into the pockets of lowand modest-income college students who need federal student aid to help cope with today’s ever-escalating education costs. For decades, this financial assistance has come in the form of simple checks written to the students by the aid pro gram or ad min is tered di rectly by the schools. But, of course, such straightforward simplicity begged the obvious question: How can we expect Wall Street bankers to grab a chunk of this student education money if it’s not
JIM HIGHTOWER routed directly through them? Thus, from deep inside a particularly inventive banker some where, the greed gene shouted: “debit cards!” Rather than disbursing the aid by checks, banks get universities to issue debit cards for students to use to withdraw their aid funds electronically. This third-party play was pitched to Congress as a nice, convenient service to help hard-pressed students. But wait — these are bankers. They don’t do nice — at least, not for free. Sure enough, the campus debit cards, cheerily emblazoned with each school’s logo, have hooked more than 9 million needy students into an insidious fee system, ranging from 50 cents per swipe of their cards to a $10 “inactivity fee” — yes, a fee for not using their card frequently enough. Some 900 campuses have signed deals with outfits like Wells Fargo and Higher One. These high-flying financiers grin from ear to ear as they line their pockets with tens of millions a year that they siphon from the public fund that was meant to extend America’s educational opportunities to working-class and poor families. Banks get the goldmine, students get shaft. For info about this rip-off — and for action tips on preventing it — get a copy of “The Campus Debit Card Trap” by the U.S. PIRG Education Fund. Go to www.uspirgedfund.org.
Markets are not provided by nature. They are constructed – by laws, rules, and institutions. All of these have moral bases of one sort or another. Hence, all markets are moral, according to someone’s sense of morality. The only question is, Whose morality? In contemporary America, it is conservative versus progressive morality that governs forms of economic policy. – George Lakoff and Elis a beth Wehling, CommonDreams.org, June 14, 2012 Unhappy events abroad have re-taught us two simple truths about the liberty of a democratic people. The first truth is that the liberty of a democracy is not safe if the people tol erate the growth of private power to a point where it becomes stronger than their democratic State itself. That, in its essence, is fascism – ownership of government by an individual, by a group or by any other controlling private power. The second truth is that the liberty of a democracy is not safe if its business system does not provide employment and produce and distribute goods in such a way as to sustain an acceptable standard of living. Both lessons hit home. Among us today a concentration of private power without equal in history is growing. – Frank lin D. Roo se velt, “Sim ple Truths” message to Congress, April 29, 1938
Reach down deep and GIVE to those in need …
OF A GOOD DOSE OF POLITICAL SATIRE! HUMOR TIMES
Use the form on page 3, or SAVE A BUCK by going online to www.humortimes.com! July, 2012
Cheesy In 2008, Obama said heâ€™d join unions on the picket line... but big money was the only thing to show up.
Walker exulted in victory... and union backers conceded.
Super PACs figure they got a good deal... but it was just a warm up.
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
by Jon Carter
We’ve Got Your “Unique Gift” Idea Right Here!
Give the HUMOR TIMES! Use the form on page 3, or get a buck off all subscriptions by signing up at www.humortimes.com!
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
by Jon Carter
We’ve Got Your “Unique Gift” Idea Right Here!
Give the HUMOR TIMES! Use the form on page 3, or get a buck off all subscriptions by signing up at www.humortimes.com!
“We Report, You Decry!” U.N. Emergency Session Declares Florida Rogue State Status of Democracy ‘Fragile’ NEW YORK – Calling the status of democracy in the Sunshine State “fragile at best,” the United Nations met in emergency session today to declare Florida a rogue state. The actions by Florida Gov. Rick Sco tt to purge the voter rolls in his state United Nations. might have inspired the vote by the U.N., but as the spokes per son for the U.N. Sec retary-General said, “We’ve had problems with elections in Florida before.” The vote means the U.N. could soon dispatch a team of observers to Florida, led by diplomats from such democracies as Egypt and Libya. Gov. Scott’s voter purge was only the latest in a series of events “that reveal a near-total breakdown of the rule of law in Florida,” the U.N. spokesperson said. “This is a state where people have been killed for carrying Skittles and iced tea, or had their faces eaten off by zombies high on bath salts,” he said. “And now this thing with Rick Scott.” In other Florida news, former Gov. Jeb Bush yesterday risked alienating his fellow Republicans by making what Fox News called “a series of dangerously sane remarks.” In stating that the current Republican Party would not be hospitable to the likes of Ronald Reagan, Fox reported, “Jeb Bush displayed a level of sanity that makes most of his fellow Republicans extremely uncomfortable.” Mr. Bush was said to be huddling with his advisers to come up with a statement unhinged enough to win his way back into the hearts of the Republican mainstream, perhaps by advocating legal marriage between a man and an assault rifle. Elsewhere on the political scene, President Obama today said he “misspoke” when he said last week that the private sector of the economy was fine: “What I meant to say was that Mitt Romney is a dick.” And after a woman was arrested for cooking meth in a Missouri Walmart, the company released the following statement: “Walmart has a strict pol icy against American-made products.” – Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com
Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Birthers Turn Sites on Romney Ads featuring him speaking fluent Spanish are suspicious, new Birthers say A Humor Times exclusive “It’s so obvious. They knew he’d get rich and Birthers, that group of doubters who insist that famous once he got to America — who doesn’t? President Barack Obama was — and that Americans would not born in the U.S., but in be ready to elect a Mormon Kenya, have now turned their after electing a black man,” sites on Mitt Romney, the preKeyes said. sumed nominee for president It’s already a known fact of the Republican party. that Romney’s father is MexiThe group, led by Lou can: George Romn ey was Dobbs and Orly Taitz, is born in 1907 in an American well-known for being suspicolony in the Mexican state of Birthers cite this photo of Romney cious of outsiders. Romney, Chihuahua. “For this reason, whooping it up in a sombrero. just by virtue of being a MorMitt could have dual citizenmon, already has their hackles up. But now some ship if he chose to, and could be a Mexican citiare claiming that Romney was not even born in zen, with full rights there — why hasn’t he? Is he the United States, and is therefore ineligible to run trying to cover something up?” charged Orly for president. Taitz. They cite evidence that Mr. Romney was born “Face it, he’s running for president of the in Mexico. “His parents forged his Michigan birth United States for one reason: To help his native certificate, and planted the birth notice in the pa- country overrun us with drugs — with a little help per there,” said Alan Keyes, another prominent from their drug cartel friends and neighbors — new Romney birther, echoing his previous allega- thereby making it easy to take us over,” Taitz added. tions against Obama.
Republicans Object to Obama Immigration Move as Blatantly Helping His Re-Election Chances Making popular decisions in an election year gives him an unfair advantage, they charge Humor Times Special Report However, the reporter, Neil Munro of the Daily Republican leaders in Congress today de- Caller website, kept shouting at the president. nounced President Obama’s move to change im- Eventually, the Secret Service had to drag him mi g ra tio n pol ic y a s away. “anti-American,” “blatantly It was later learned that political,” “uncharacteristithe agents had taken him to cally uncompromising.” their back office, where they “Where’s the guy we keep the prostitutes. “He’s used to know and love?” feeling fine,” reported one asked Speaker of the House agent who returned to the John Boehner, a tear welling garden, “we gave him Julie, up in his eye. “He would’ve and there’s no way he’ll be never done this before with- Obama announcement in the Rose Garden. leav ing that scene for a out first caving in to tax cuts while.” for the rich — and then he would have scrapped Rep. Eric Cantor accused Obama of playing the plan altogether.” politics with an issue that “should be left to ConMitt Romney, presumptive GOP presidential gress to delay as long as possible, as is our cusnominee, also had strong words for Obama, say- tom.” ing, “We have to find a long-term solution, but the “It’s obvious the president is just trying to get president’s action makes reaching the solution of stuff done that the majority of Americans agree getting him out of office much more difficult.” with – and that’s the worst kind of politicking,” “Red, white and blue Americans – well, white said the House Majority Leader. “It’s a cheap bid ones from red states, anyway – object to this,” he for votes – in an election year, no less!” said. “And it makes them blue.” But Florida Republican governor Rick Scott For his part, the president had to start defend- was not worried. “Sure, he might gain a few Hising his move from the moment he announced it, as panic votes from this move, but we’ll just take ’em a reporter at the Rose Garden press conference off the voter rolls, Justice Department be damned. And we’ve designed the purge to take care of heckled him during his speech. “It’s not question and answer time, sir,” the other Democrat sympathizers as well. Let them president responded forcefully, “that will come af- prove they’re really citizens, then they can vote. Next time. Maybe.” ter nap time.”
Trump Could Help Romney Win Elusive Billionaire Asshole Vote Bid to Woo Top .00001% NEW YORK – Busi ness man Don ald Trump’s endorsement of former Governor Mitt Romney could help the presumptive GOP nominee win over the support of a constituency that has been cool to him thus far: bil lionaire assholes. Reportedly, the top .00001% wealth iest Americans have regarded Mr. Romney with suspicion to date, wondering, in the words of one billionaire, “if he’s really one of us.” “It’s a bit of a reach for us billionaires to vote
for someone like Romney, who just has a couple of hundred million in the bank,” said Grayson Rance, a billionaire who has so far viewed the former Massachusetts governor warily. “But if a bona fide billionaire asshat like Trump is for him, it makes you take a second look.” Mr. Rance said that it was hard to believe that Mr. Romney, “who only owns five or six homes, could relate to people like us and understand our problems,” but that Mr. Trump’s thumbs-up “counts for a lot.” Speaking on CNN’s “Situation Room,” Mr.
Trump told host Wolf Blitzer his reason for e n dors ing M r. Romney: “After four years of a President Romney and Trump. who was born overseas, its time for a President who was born here and sends his money overseas.” As for Mr. Romney, he experienced a rare emotional moment on Memorial Day, placing a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Banker. – Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com
Chemical Castration May Await Sandusky at Sentencing An emergency sentencing guideline, dealing with punishment for child predators, is being pushed through the Pennsylvania Commission on Sentencing (PCS) today. It could allow the Judge in the Sandusky trial to sentence him to c h e m i c a l c a s t r a t i on , should he be convicted on charges of child sexual assault. In a rare move, the ACLU has indicated that, although they believe chemical castration is, in most cases, considered cruel and unusual punishment, in Sandusky’s case, they would not challenge such a sentence. If all goes according to plan, “Sandusky’s Sentence” will be handed down as soon as the jury convicts the ex-football coach of the crimes he is alleged to have committed, and it will be a model sentence for any other predators who are awaiting trial on similar charges. A com pan i on r ec om m en da t i on t hat Sandusky not be allowed to shower for the rest of his life was struck down, however, for being cruel and un usual pun ish ment — not for Sandusky, but for his fellow inmates. In related news, the Roman Catholic Diocese in Harrisburg, PA is seriously considering getting behind this latest sentencing guideline as it would save them millions of dollars in hush money over the long haul. – Reported by P. Beckert, Special to the Humor Times
Canada Bracing for Massive Influx of Wisconsin Boat People Coast Guard on Alert OTTAWA – The Canadian coast guard was on alert today, preparing for what it fears could be a massive invasion of boat people from Wisconsin. Conor McGlindon, commander of the Royal Canadian Mounted Coast Guard, said that satellite photos had revealed a “substantial flotilla” in the making, as Wisconsinites prepared to flee their state for their neighbor to the North. “Word has gotten around that we have policemen, firemen, and basic school lunches up here,” Mr. McGlindon said. “You can’t blame these boat people for seeking a better life. But we are under orders to intercept them.” In Canada, officials fear that refugees from Wisconsin will brave the treacherous journey across Lake Superior in the hopes of giving birth to so-called “anchor babies” on Canadian soil. “We are telling all of our men that under no circumstances should they accept offerings of cheese,” he said. “These boat people are desperate and they will try anything.” Reports of the looming refugee crisis coincided with the release of a new poll showing that Gov. Scott Walker is now the most hated man in Wisconsin, narrowly edging Brett Favre. Speaking at the state capitol, Gov. Walker seemed philosophical about his legacy: “I’m not worried how history will remember me, because if I have my way there won’t be any history teachers.” – Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com
Facebook is a regular part of life for millions... The 4th of July is always a fun celebration...
for humans, at least.
but once it went public...
disgruntled investors got tense.
But the euphoria never lasts long.
Epic Fail The big banks continue to feed their gambling addiction...
Congress canâ€™t get together on reform...
and many senators donâ€™t even see a problem.
But the economy has taken a big dive...
and they always have a good excuse.
and left the little guy in the dust. (continued)
Meanwhile, Congress continues to reward big supporters...
Republicans say unions are to blame...
and that replacing Obama is whatâ€™s really important.
The middle class is confused...
as the candidates debate strategy.
and seems to have lost its moorings.
Guilty of Slimeballism
Campaign: American Style Elections define Americaâ€™s greatness...
John Edwards was introspective...
having just been through an embarrassing ordeal...
but campaigns have lost some dignity...
and finally hitting bottom. and so have the candidates.
Argus Sez The White House softball team played a game against a lobbyist group for marijuana legalization recently. What a great match-up. Inside sources reveal that the president’s team lost by twenty-two runs, which was a huge victory for the White House softball team. China’s space agency an nounced they launched the first Chinese woman into space. The Chinese government made no mention of when they are bringing her back. No one exactly knows how much they penalize people for having more than one child. Dallas, starring Larry Hagman as J.R. Ewing had huge ratings for TNT when the sequel debuted. Everyone noticed the numbers. It’s a bad sign for Obama’s campaign when seven million viewers tune in to watch ruthless Texas oil men calling the shots again. President Obama went over Congress’s head to change immigration law. Only one thing explains this. Bill Clinton must have advised President Obama that only by getting impeached before the election can he rally Democrats to turn out and vote for him. President Obama signed an order permitting eight hundred thousand young illegal aliens to remain in the U.S. He argued that as a practical matter it’s impossible to move eight hundred thousand people to another country. That is not true, Mexico did it. President Obama attended a fundraiser at Sarah Jessica Parker’s New York townhouse. The celebrities in Hollywood see Obama as one of their own. That’s why they all donate to his campaign through PayPal so he doesn’t have their credit card information. Oklahoma City residents were startled to feel a moderate-size earthquake that was centered in
the outlying suburb of Del City. It appears to be a sign of the times. The economy is so awful in California even the earthquakes are moving back to Oklahoma. The White House revealed details of accusations against Secret Service agents. They include hiring hookers, heavy drinking, and using office computers to view porn. That’s why the Secret Service just made Money magazine’s list of Best Places to Work in America. Lance Armstrong denied charges by the World Anti-Doping Agency that he used steroids. He’s got the stopwatch on his side in this controversy. We all know that it’s perfectly natural to be able to pedal faster over the Alps the closer you get to forty. Guantanamo Bay completed renovations on our terrorist prison. They got new soccer fields, pool tables and more cable channels. We allowed the prisoners to choose between having wives and having a great TV sports package and the vote wasn’t even close. Italy’s Let’s Pizza announced it will open Let’s Pizza vending machines in the U.S. The dough is tossed, shaped, covered and cooked inside the machine in three minutes. This is just another example of a coin-operated machine doing the jobs Americans refuse to do. The New York Times reported Mexican drug cartel money is being laundered through horse racing tracks and thoroughbred farms. It’s an old story. It’s not widely known that Mr. Ed was put down by the cartel after he ratted out Wilbur to the grand jury.
Advertise in the Reach an intelligent, good-humored audience with good incomes! Our readers make wonderful, loyal customers. And you don’t have to spend a fortune to get your message in front of them!
All ads are 20% OFF when you mention this notice!
Call 916-455-1217 or email firstname.lastname@example.org for more info. Deadlines are the 15th of the month preceding.
Mondays at 8pm on Channel 17 Access Sacramento
Humor Times, P. O. Box 162429, Sacramento, Ca 95816
RECYCLE This publication By giving it to someone, or leaving it somewhere for others to discover! July, 2012
Parting Shots Assadâ€™s time is coming...
Americans love their freedom...
but Russia is propping him up.
from healthy lifestyles...
Meanwhile, Egypt is finding that creating democracy is hard.
and itâ€™s hard to change.
Don’t Miss Out on All the Fun!
SUBSCRIBE! Hard copy delivered to your mailbox • Online digital version also available
OMNETWORKS A Complete Internet Solution WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3
The Key to
Universal Wisdom Discover how extraordinary you really are Who am I? What is my purpose? What can I accomplish? Is there more to the universe than I see around me? Only you can truly answer these questions for yourself. Only you can mold yourself to who you would like to be. Profound wisdom, carefully preserved for centuries, is transmitted today by the Rosicrucian Order to every sincere person with an open mind and a positive motive. When you join and read the monthly home study booklets, practical applications can be added to the everyday affairs of your life with startling results. Rosicrucians call this Mastery of Life.
http://www.rosicrucian.org The Rosicrucian Order is a worldwide fraternal organization of men and women dedicated to studying the teachings of some of the greatest mystical minds through the ages. It is not a religion or dogma or even a single philosophy. The booklets are provided for home study, so you decide what you believe and what abilities you wish to increase.
We’ve Got Your “Unique Holiday Gift Idea” Right Here! Humor Times Gift Subscriptions to the will keep ’em laughing ALL YEAR!
Use the form on page 3. A Gift Certificate will be sent in your name if you wish. Or order online at HumorTimes.com and get a buck off!
We provide these FREE BACK ISSUES for your viewing pleasure. Subscribe to get the current issue hot off the press each month, in hard copy o...