NOT JUST A
“GUY PROBLEM” A generation ago, people had to seek out pornography and hide their stash. In contrast, today people have to take intentional steps to avoid “adult content.” Exposure to pornography is prevalent with easy access through today’s technology. Addiction to porn can break relationships, bank accounts, and people’s brains. Fortunately, society is starting to wise up to these realities. Concerns from medical experts have now elevated pornography to a public health crisis. While a positive development, struggles with pornography and masturbation are often framed as “men issues.” This attitude has left many women fighting against porn and feeling isolated. Do you feel trapped by an addiction to sex, porn, or masturbation? You are not alone. There are helpful resources available at candeobehaviorchange.com.
humanlife.org
IT HAPPENED TO ME… I grew up in an abusive and incestuous environment. The concept of “staying pure” or “saving myself for marriage” was something I agreed with in theory, but could not embrace for myself. I did believe that it was wrong to have sex outside of marriage, but I felt broken to begin with, and had nothing to save for marriage.
What I wanted, more than anything in the world, was to feel loved. I had such a low opinion of myself that I didn’t think I had anything to offer besides sex. It was the only thing anyone seemed to want from me, and the only thing I could imagine might possibly earn me love. I wanted that feeling of closeness and security...even if it was only temporary. One of the biggest regrets I have in my life was losing that purity— first, having it taken from me, then willingly giving it away. So much damage was done to me physically, emotionally and spiritually. I wish I could change the past...if only for that one thing. I didn’t know that someday, later in my life, I would learn the way I was treated as a small child and as a teenager was wrong...that I never deserved to be abused. I didn’t know that someday I would begin to believe I was valuable and worthwhile...that I would find people in the world who would offer friendship and love to me, who would be able to see something beautiful in me.
-Lauren
STARTING OVER
As a teen, I played the third wheel because my sister had many boyfriends and I didn’t. I became depressed and wondered why guys didn’t like me. When I finally got a boyfriend, it became an abusive relationship. I ended it, but even with that freedom, I still didn’t know who I was and ended up collecting exes. Then I met Ethan. Even though our values didn’t match, I thought Ethan was “the one.” I wanted to remain a virgin before marriage, but the only thing I remembered from sex ed was don’t have sex. I took that to mean, “anything but sex is fine.”
We kept getting physically closer until that one night we finally went “all the way.” I jumped out of bed and curled up in the corner and sobbed. I couldn’t take it back, ever. I felt like avoiding sex no longer mattered, so we kept sleeping together (in secret).
I felt like I was leading a double life. I kept ignoring the nagging problem of our mismatched values. I told him I loved him and he was perfect for me except for one thing—he didn’t understand the value of saving sex for marriage. Breaking up with Ethan was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but changed my life and made me the person I am today.
I vowed not to date again until I was 100 percent sure whom I would marry and that he would respect my sexual integrity. While I was single, I sought out a group of friends who shared my values. An honorable guy in the group, Michael, later became my beloved husband. I was his first girlfriend; his first kiss! He understood that waiting was important so we waited to have sex until our wedding night. Now I am content with a real man that showed me I was worth waiting for.
-Kendra
If you can love the wrong person that much, imagine how much you can love the right one. 5
