Tempus Fugit

Tempus Fugit A Collection of Poems by

David Alexander

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 2

Tempus Fugit A collection of poems written in 2020 and 2021.

By David Alexander

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 3

Dedicated to my wife and muse, Eleni.

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 4

Ghost Haiku

I am a ghost so I am surprised when someone looks my way and sees me.

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 5

Wash Lather Rinse Repeat: The Mantra of the Lost Boys

Come here The words echoed How could they echo from the vomit-colored carpet?

Air conditioning hummed in the room next to mine The room next to ours, my brother and me My younger brother’s His asthma His room His safety His solitude My door was open I complied I close the door I lock it You know what I want he said I nod

When did it begin?

It was always there Over and over and over and over and over Wash Lather Rinse Repeat Day becomes night becomes day Is it fall?

Is it spring?

Is it summer?

It cannot be winter I see the street from the room The asphalt river in which I ache to swim

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 6

Away, away, far, far away The maple in the front yard, its leaves wide with longing, shading, protecting It cannot escape I cannot escape His porn lies in a stack in his dresser, filth arranged in a neat pile His shameful open secret She knows about it I know she knows that I know she knows She knows about him She knows everything She does nothing I breathe I cannot breathe My lungs ache My body aches I am broken A hundred times?

A thousand?

Ten thousand times ten thousand?

I cannot count that high I, the slave, the fault is mine I am nothing I’ll tell her it was your fault, he said I nod It was my fault I brought this on myself Because I exist Because I am nothing I exist yet I am nothing A ghost of what I might have become Had I never submitted

The pain has become everything It is all I know It is all I - no Hollow words echo Yes, he says

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 7

You are mine You are nothing I am bigger than you he says for the thousandth time I am alive I am dead Death is all I know Death is something he will not touch me I am dirty I must touch him I have a purpose I am worthwhile if I please I count for nothing I do not want it His acrid scent Dark skin Brown eyes in a slit Heavy with need The need to dominate His sweat I cannot breathe

Do you think he would let me have him he says?

No, I say Not my younger brother I will comply I must protect him I must protect my brother Take me, I plead I am a lamb marching to the slaughter Ego agnus dei qui tollis peccta familia* I will protect him Take me instead, I say And I watch from the ceiling as it happens again When it is over, I go to the bathroom to wash Again And again

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 8

And again And again Never clean Can I wash away the shame?

Can fill it with some Thing?

Someday, will a baptism cleanse me?

Asperges me, Domine, hyssopo et mundabor, Lavabis me, et super nivem dealbabor.

Miserere mei, Deus, secundum magnam misericordiam tuam.* The soft white soap seeps through my fingers as I squeeze it A hollow knock What are you doing in there, she asks?

But she knows everything I am washing, I say Wash Lather Rinse Repeat I step out of the shower wearing my garment of shame I dress

Down the stairs Dinner, pot roast with gravy Boiled green beans Lumpy mashed potatoes I stare at my plate I starve But food does not satiate He looks at me across the table My face, red with shame I rise and fly away I lay in the desert Naked under the stars, alone While everyone can see through me Through my transparent garment of shame My nakedness exposed to the scorn of all I brought it on myself, I remember, as I return

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 9

Back to white, middle-class America To a family dinner I must hide from them I excuse myself I put on my jacket I open the door The night is cool I walk And I walk And I walk And I walk Seven eight nine Ten eleven o'clock The streets are empty Garbage cans line the driveways I return Home to a home that is not my home Where chaos is king, despair is queen, and prince silence rules in absentia Where I am court jester Mocked as the fool I am Mocked as the fool I will become I open the door

Hang up my jacket Up the stairs Brush my teeth Wash my face again and again There is more dirt I must wash it off My bedroom door is closed I open it He is not there, not yet I am safe in my bed, under the sheets Through the curtains I see the stars in the leaves of the maple tree

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 10

As sleep seduces, I hear his steps The boards creak under the vomit-colored carpet He approaches The doorknob turns No no no no no no no no I shiver In a ball I curl under my covers It begins again Wash Lather Rinse Repeat The Mantra of the Lost Boys.

I am the lamb of God who takes away the sins of the family

∗

Thou wilt sprinkle me, O Lord, with hyssop and I shall be cleansed Thou wilt wash me, and I shall be washed whiter than snow.

Pity me, O God, according to Thy great mercy.

∗

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 11

Starting Over

Starting Over is A new beginning An opportunity for rebirth The rediscovery of your life And what is inside The secret place You call Yourself

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 12

Tempus Fugit Where do I live?

I ask myself Here, among the tombs?

For today the sun shines Today the birds sing Today I sit among tombstones And watch clouds drift by.

While the sun shines While the birds sing While clouds drift I mourn.

If today were cloudy If birds were silent If the the sun hid her face I would still sit I would still mourn.

I would mourn children Would mourn family Would mourn youth and weep.

In this grave lies hidden A past that will not Rise to live again.

I wait at his tomb And look for a sign For earth to move For stones to shatter.

But no earth moves No stones shatter

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 13

And in silence I wait while Sun and clouds and birds overhead Attend my resurrection.

Sighing, I, wipe the past From my clothes And his tear from my eye.

Neither mourning Nor weeping Nor cursing But breathing.

Knowing Ending and Beginning Laughter and Mourning Gain and Loss Are Gemini twins.

Taking outstretched hand, I stand.

Then Time and I walk Hand in hand From the graveyard And close the gate Together.

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 14

Time

Time Passes slowly Then passes quickly And then it stops It starts again Only to Stop

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 15

Tempus Fugit Haiku

Past A doorway Looking at history Perhaps it doesn’t exist Perhaps never did Unchangeable choices Completed Present Living life Exploring alternate possibilities Finding a new path Into an unknown Future of Ambiguity

Future Possibilities imagined Things yet undone Roads to be traveled Filled with anticipation Always arriving Soon

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 16

In My Mind In my mind lives a girl Perhaps six or seven Perhaps eight or nine Or perhaps eleven I show her my life I show her the sky I show her the streets And the birds that fly by I show her my home I show her my wife I show her my work I show her my life I tell her of places I’ve traveled And then I smile and dream And I tell her again Of the places she’s missed And the people I’ve known And the sights I have seen And how I have grown I take down a box From a shelf overhead I blow off the dust And I open its lid

From yellowing photos Of days long ago I see her so young Just beginning to grow

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 17

Six seven eight nine With her locks of gold I too was once young But now, I grow old In my eye is a tear And I wipe it away The days long ago Are not today Putting the box Back up on the on the shelf And closing the door I return to myself I know she is gone Married and grown Living somewhere With kids of her own The phone does not ring Nor has it for years Will never again Or so I fear She has her own life And I have my own Lives once joined together Are severed in twain But at night as I lay Awake in my bed Thoughts of a little girl Sometimes fill my head

As I fall asleep I dream of her She is six or seven My memories, a blur.

The Horizon What lies beyond horizon’s edge I wondered as I saw ships that plied the surging waves Beyond the sea’s long maw Where would they go I wondered when They disappeared from sight To distant lands to foreign shores To places dark or bright?

As I sat there and mused thought I Heard Footsteps drawing near I turned at once and then beheld A sight that caused me fear A specter dressed in tattered clothes Bid me up to stand Come with me and I’ll show you lad Come here and take my hand A hand of bone he then held out A chill went up my spine But I stood up and took at once His bony hand in mine Off we sailed, he and I O’er the briney sea He the captain I first mate No other company

We sailed until the fog grew thick And still we sailed along The tattered sails hung wet and limp I heard a humpback song

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 18

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 19

She swam aside our sailing ship Nine days or more beside Until at last she swam away And we two bade goodbye We sailed how long I could not say The days and nights slipped by Til time stood still stars dared not move Yet we through waves did ply The food had long ago run out The water also gone I cursed myself for telling him That I would come along And as I lay down in the prow And crossed myself thought I A salty sea would be at last My cursed place to die When all at once I heard him cry Tis land he surely saw I lifted up my weary head Escaping from death’s maw A desert shore I then beheld Arising from the sea Devoid of trees the rocky shore Then called out to me Half mad I climbed into the sea And swam upon the tide Til rocky shore at last I reached Tis here I thought to die

As I lay gasping on the rocks I saw the ship once more He waved farewell and off he sailed I alone on shore

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 20

Cursing I bewailed my fate For sailing far away Adventure had not come along But death that came my way

And so upon a barren shore I wait at last to die None to shrive my restless soul I curse both sea and sky.

Ashes to Ashes Ashes to ashes, dust to dust Eighty-three trips around the sun We lay his ashes in the grave And ignored our master, Time He stood beside us as we lay The ashes in the ground and we Turning to our merriment Celebrated we, his life From the day we’re born we flee He pursues relentlessly He does not beckon and does not plead He stalks each one, his prey And when he pounces we, surprised Look at him and realize That he was with us all along But we chose not to see So, half his ashes we lay down Beside his family, brothers dear Half-frozen ground, New York’s last gift To us, remaining few The other half we scattered then In desert’s sunset painted hues In rushes green ‘neath amber skies Saguaros standing by So now we lay you down to sleep My father dear, may God still keep Your soul to sleep, your ashes still Float down the endless stream

With Ganges wide and canyon red

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 21

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 22

And sunsets painted on the sky Of purples, scarlets, violets dark You fade in desert’s night And in the purple, red, and blue Of desert sunset’s many hues The last remains of men we knew Drift down life’s desert stream Forgotten fathers linger still In desert dark and forests til Writing with their silent quill The stories of their lives We, the watchers of the night Who stand in eternity’s twilight We cross ourselves in hopes we might Somehow not be Time’s prey The specter stands and sees as we Ignore him and as tears flow free Weep for ourselves and think we be Forgotten, one and all Legions of men, whose children n’er Write nor call nor even care Whether we live or die we are Condemned, forgotten men As ashes float down endless streams Into the twilight of our dreams Our children’s laughter sometimes seems To echo in our minds And as the sun sets in the west The desert’s stream my father’s rest I muse and know that I was blessed Though children silent be

Father, I am as you are

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 23

Once known and then forgotten, still I navigate the streams of time Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 24

Rhodes Three hundred steps, and seventy more The sun cursed, jested, mocked Thin air, gasping, panting Ascending Tsambika’s mountain Hope in heart, legs, and lungs burning The heat sapping the last bit Of strength from a man nearly dead Sits to regain his strength.

Upon an altar of stone steps Carved from the bones of the earth Nordic pilgrims descended Laughing and shouting Another ten steps, Another drink of warm water Another ache in muscles unaccustomed To exertion The shrine appeared.

And as my wife lay an offering of hope To the Virgin I cast my past into the Aegean As sailboats, oblivious to my victory Drifted on azure waters Of unknown possibilities And hope yet to come.

Νεκροταφείο

Red rocks Bid us wait To abide Until sun sets And cool night Stars beckon Cicadas chirp Closing the gate Of mortality’s final word We walk into The night We, living still laugh And children still play And wine still warms Our throats parched By life’s heartaches And eternity’s possibilities.

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 25

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 26

Summer

Golden beams drift Through closed shutters Wakened from slumber, Hearing cats still fighting, screeching Yawning, slippers on feet I descend to see the sunrise Through the front window Hygieia, promising health And squirrels beg for daily bread at the windowsill The Kettle boils, coffee beans rattle Steel burrs echoing, breaking the silence Waiting patiently to awaken I pray and read in the kitchen chair Stopping mid-verse I yawn Pouring boiling water over Fragrant grounds in a French press For even the gods need coffee to wake up And greet the morning And open the book And take up the pen To write what may be On a July summer’s day in The bayou city.

Jasmine

When I was ten, I smelled jasmine outside my bedroom window, fragrant, sweet, and filled with longing.

Now, the smell reminds me of perfume, of Iran, a Shah dethroned, a revolution, a summer, a 16-year old refugee I loved, her train disappearing into the distance, taking away the first girl to love me, love that would never return, flowers and smoke and diesel fuel choking and blinding, and the end of innocence.

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 27

Scorpio

I fell down The well-shaft of the Universe And when I reached the bottom I found a mirror And in it I saw Myself

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 28

Addiction

She appears beautiful at first The lover whose touches and glances Promise deliverance from life’s pain Her golden skin, silken hair, seductive glance Assures that once given into All will be well And in the darkness, she delivers all she has promised, Ecstasy, passion, timeless touches No pain in an eternal timeless moment She caresses, whispering love into ears exhausted by life and when you awaken, she is gone As you always knew she would be for she is the mother of lies.

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 29

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 30

Dream #4

As drifting sleep seduces he lies awake, tormented by decisions Made in agony’s seduction An inescapable past Etched in granite Waiting to be overwritten By the lullaby of Dreams yet to come.

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 31

Ganges

Overhead, blue clouds hypnotize Green stars float Air conditioning interrupts The mattress seduces Cotton covers sewn from India’s plains Warm and call me back In dreams to a place I knew lives ago Along Ganges’ banks I crouched Water carrying ashes Burned bodies cast into eternity Souls waiting, aching for union With the Beloved Exiles, we sleep Under life’s banyan tree Waiting to awaken.

Sleep #3

Pulsing, rhythm, hypnotic melodies Lull me into security Of life devoid of pain Of mysteries yet to be revealed Of ages past and ages yet to come As stars drift overhead Telling a story of eternity A life a blip of the radar screen of eternity A few trips around the sun Bewildering, hypnotic, enchanting A time of futility In whose brevity I glimpse eternity.

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 32

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 33

Someday

Someday a mother will rock me to sleep And whisper words of affection into my ears As I descend into slumber Assured by words of love and protection And I will dream of castles and knights And princesses waiting to be rescued And forests deep and rivers wide Whose depths I will explore And whose lessons I will learn Knowing that should I awaken Someone will be there To protect me From dragons Before they gobble me up while I sleep.

Someday.

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 34

Grocery Haiku

Bread Fresh vegetables Organic brown eggs Almond milk from California Flavored coffee beans Bought for Eleni

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 35

Blue

Some say blue Is the color of sadness Some say blue Is the color of my eyes.

But I say blue Is the color of insight And the color of trust And the color of intuition And color of the sky And the color of the Aegean In whose depths Icarus sank And from which I, Shedding wings of steel, Arose, reborn.

Adam The earth is drowned In a flood of tears Raining from the heavens Of lost dreams Upon a parched And barren land Too dry to drink them in A desolate cracked world Where Adam once Roamed free And drank From crystal clear streams Until the water ran out

And parched, he looked Heavenward Opening his mouth In anticipation And tasted salt And tears And, laying on the earth From whence he sprang, He returned to dust.

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 36

/ TEMPUS FUGIT / 37

Late August When summer and its empty promises of warmth Are nearly gone.

When autumn beckons And thoughts turn to amber leaves And the crunch of footsteps And pumpkin spice lattes And leaves falling wistfully to the ground And chill comes to the air And thoughts turn also to decay And to Endings and to pumpkin pie And squash soup And open windows And days drowning in red and gold And ghosts and ghouls and goblins And creamy-sweet candy corn And corn mazes And ripe apples bobbing in a galvanized steel trough And sweaters pulled tight And grey clouds And wheat stalks naked and alone.

Come Autumn, hear our prayer.

Drive away Air conditioning and heat And bring us your gold and brown and yellow and red And save us, children of the twilight, From Summer’s oppression.

***