Volume 11, Issue 11
4.22.1879 A PUBLICATION BY HOLDERNESS STUDENTS THAT NO ONE ACTUALLY READS
Prospective Families Rave about School’s Forced Labor Program
The Lady Margaret of Cunha
Earlier this month, Holderness hosted
a successful Second Visits for admitted students. Families flocked from all over the world to visit the lovely institution and learn more about what makes Holderness such a unique and incredible place. It was clear that parents and students alike were impressed with what they saw. Admitted students were won over by the old reliables: an off-key rendition of Sweet Caroline, a lunch room set-up that – just like the real world – makes them feel awful if they are not an athlete, and a student-led tour where parents can hear about Holderness straight from a student’s mouth! A new addition to this year’s jampacked schedule was some impressive drumming from AB, which showed parents that their child would fit right in with the kids at Holderness, who have absolutely no rhythm. No matter how un-talented their kid might be, after witnessing that performance, those parents rested easy that night. As a dedicated and hardworking Picador writer, I interviewed some prospective parents to find out what as-
WHAT’S INSIDE
pects of Holderness they liked the most. Wendy, mother of an incoming freshman daughter, shared, “I love that Holderness has that communal feel that’s so hard to find at other schools. You know, forced labor is great experience for living in the real word. Nothing builds strong bonds better than suffering together. Some schools let kids have fun and pamper them with luxurious facilities. I like that Holderness doesn’t coddle kids. That thing where kids get electrocuted for cutting the quad? Brilliant. I consider myself an innovative disciplinarian, but even I never thought of that.” Prospective parent Bill Johnson, added, “Yeah, it’s nice to know that if my son ever got arrested in North Korea, he would already have plenty of experience living at a labor camp!” Sean, whose son is a prospective freshman, shared, “I love that Holderness encourages kids to lose sleep so that they can clean classrooms or shovel snow. I think kids these days are really getting too much sleep. One of the major things we are looking for is a school’s ability to limit kids’ sleep and replace it with “voluntary” experiences.” His wife Sherry enthusiastically adds,
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The Picador: Volume 11, Issue 11
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“Don’t even get us started on payback! What a logical and well-thought-out process. If a kid struggles to make his commitments because he’s exhausted, take away his sleep! That’ll show him! So innovative!” Mother of twin brothers accepted into tenth grade shares, “I think the forced labor program really set Holderness kids apart in the college process. When a college see that a kids goes to Holderness, they know this is a kid who has been physically forced to do something they don’t want to do and then tricked into writing an essay about how much they liked it and how valuable it was as a character builder. Colleges these day are definitely looking for kids with Stockholm Syndrome.” Bouyed by the enthusiasm for the job program, Mr. Peck announced that next year, there will be new middleof-the-night shifts where students will build extra character by performing tasks such as Zamboni-ing the ice rink with a single water bottle and salvaging used exams by erasing the answers. “If we can figure out some way for students to make artificial snow with the vapor from their exhaled breath, our snow sports program will be even stronger.”
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