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CRAP IN THE LIVING ROOM Hi. Welcome. Oh this? You like it? We picked it up at a flea market in Espana. Oh, now that over there has been in my family for years. What can I say? My Mom just loved camouflage! And that, well, I wasn’t not going to hang a plaque to commemorate the final season of The Facts of Life for everyone to see.

We loved T.G.I. Friday’s so much that we built one in our living room. 9

You know you’re ugly when a naked angel is embarrassed to sit next to you.


When you press the yellow button, you hear Schubert’s Symphony No. 9. I’m totally kidding. He farts. 11

You should see the can opener.


It’s half past party time and a quarter ’til cirrhosis of the liver. And at half past Seagrams, remind me I need to pick up my kids.


Scrub all you want, but you can’t clean OCD.


Jesus playing soccer? Or Jesus being chased by a giant turkey and trying to save a soccer ball? You decide.


I heard through the grapevine that you’ve gotten four DUIs.


He might be smiling, but he’s also thinking about burning the house down.


Do you even realize how many hotdogs you have to eat to earn one of these? I don’t know the exact number, but the answer rhymes with “heart attack.”


It’s just like getting a puppy for your birthday. Except it’s not your birthday. And the puppy is dead.


You think your job sucks? 152

If you don’t put the seat down, Genghis Khan will pillage your house and steal all your scented candles.


Crap at My Parents' House  
Crap at My Parents' House  

Crap at My Parents’ House is a laugh-out-loud celebration of all the weird, odd, and unfathomably tacky stuff that our moms and dads accumul...