The Mock Turtle - No. 14

THE

|P©eK

CHRISTMAS, 1931.

URTLE

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TO STUDENTS AND OLD STUDENTS. THE NEW HUDDERSFIELD TECHNICAL COLLEGE

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.eview o a n d H u m o u r of tike H u d d ersfield

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CHRISTMAS, 1931.

EDITORIAL NOTES. “ Tut, tut, child / ” said the Duchess, if only you can find it.

“Everything s got a moral, AUCE’S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND.

E are naturally interested to hear of the resurrection of the Students’ Representative Council, since we belong “ lock, stock and barrel’ to that organisation, although we have outlived it, thanks to the continued efforts of a necessarily changing staff.

We expect to hear from “ the Council ” in the near future and to learn its intentions with regard to The Mock Turtle.

We trust that we are not too optimistic when we express the hope that better things are in store for students, now that we have united for the common good. We venture to predict that if our representatives benefit by past experience, such things as more suitable common rooms and “ esprit de corps ” will cease to be the day dreams of our more imaginative students, becoming instead tangible realities for all.

To us it seems fitting that Mr. Echaporia, who has always taken a great interest in college activities, should be elected Chairman of the Council.

A welcome step forward would now be the formation of a Council representative of evening students, and fostering the development of clubs and social intercourse among them.

It seems a pity that several thousand people should take classes in the same College without knowing each other or having any common ground to meet upon. Saturday evenings would offer the maximum opportunity for the meeting of clubs and societies of evening students, and we have good reason to believe that any initiative by students favourable to such a development would not lack official encouragement.

The Magazine Committee already includes one evening student representa­ tive, and we should be very glad to see the Magazine made use of by evening as well as day students for the promotion of a common fellowship.

Our Students can once more congratulate themselves on the result of their annual effort for the Earl Haig Fund. As usual, we hear one or two rumours in connection with this function which are worthy of note.

For instance, it was found that certain chairs which had been placed in a pile at the end of the Gymnasium corridor had undergone a change of position during the dance. Inspection on- Monday morning proved that by some un­ known force they had been arranged in pairs along the corridor. We sug­ gest that steps should be taken to obviate the necessity of dancers having to find their own “ sitting out room.”

We feel that we must stress the fact that “ The Mock Turtle” should portray all schools of thought in the college, and we specially appeal to our Textile and Engineering friends to seek a hearing in our columns. * b —E. P. S. 2

W hat went ye out tor to see ? the Chemist came rumour of glaciated rocks to be found where it seemed most unlikely that were so. Rumour being notoriously a lying jade, it appeared better to wait for more precise indication of the locality.

A few days later, when a gentleman approached him in the street and handed over a slip of paper, the Biologist thought his eyebrows indicated it plainly—that the Chemist had contracted a passion for street betting.

But no ! It was merely a rough though precious chart of the ice country.

The Geologist was called into conference and the expedition planned. The day of departure was fair, so fair as to delude the Geologist into believing a mackintosh was necessary, but a geological hammer was not.

So the Chemist supplied the deficiency, thereby incurring the displeasure of the Plumbers’, Geologists’ and Chemists’ Union, adding also a rucksack, another macintosh, map, book of geological excursions and supply of tobacco.

Leaving the base, the first halt was made for the transference of the Geologist’s macintosh to the rucksack, and more important still, the passing of a resolution—carried nem. con.—that he be constituted the Expedition’s pack horse.

Toiling up the mountain side, the first find was a concretion, which was solemnly broken open to the accompaniment of ribald comments anent the Chemist’s hammer and pronounced worth keeping. Soon a small stream was crossed. Now no geologist expects to find a stream without also finding a fault; and a few seconds later the Geologist was in the stream bed. There the Chemist found him coveting with eager eyes a huge concretionary boulder. Sighing piteously, he allowed himself to be led away after it had been pointed out that the boulder weighed about half a ton and the Expedi­ tion possessed neither crane nor lorry.

A few moments later the Chemist in turn was antically joyful at the discovery of ferns, long sought for in the neighbourhood.

The rucksack increased in weight and upward toil was resumed.

The mighty heights scaled, the Expedition scanned the promised land.

Below them lay the ravine and beck marked on the chart, and in the far distance some scattered rocks. Was the ravine the right one? Where was the well marked as beside it? What of the telegraph pole bearing a notice plate? Hurrying onwards the well turned out to be a horse trough. Can this be the right ravine? was the thought uppermost. Ha ! a pole bearing a notice plate, “ The G.P.O. requests persons not to throw stones at the poles.”

Other poles also had borne the same notice. But what is that further on?

Another pole with a board on it but no notice thereon. This must be the spot. It was indeed, for many rocks lay scattered about not far away; but no signs of glaciation rewarded the fevered glances of the party.

Presently the Geologist bethought to look underneath a boulder. H’m ! a polished surface. “ I’ll bet that is caused by the grass, he said, and the Chemist concurred.

Upside down examination was now the order of the 3

day and presently an unmistakably polished boulder was found. A long hunt all round disclosed many other signs of polishing and scoring and finally a huge boulder, beautifully marked on the surface, was found by the Geologist, who thereupon “ made Whoopee.” Now, however, doubts crept in. The boulders were marked in all directions; some vertically, some horizontally, some on sides a right angles to each other, and some even internally. It must have been a weird glacier that did these things. The mystery was solved by finding a boulder with a sharp step in it and having both top and step polished. The glacier alas ! had never existed; the polished rocks were but part of the refuse of a quarry in which a fault existed and they were slickensided and not glaciated.

The Geologist was not comforted. He wanted to find the quarry, oblivious to the facts that it was past 6 p.m. on a late September day and the Expedition was not equipped with torch or compass, he wanted also to tramp about a mile over the moors in an uncertain direction according to the chart, which stated “ some more glacial rocks were there.

The Chemist was hungry. Geologists may live on sand and rocks, but chemists require vitamins and hormones: and so, after taking samples and blazing the rocks for future guidance the Expedition returned home.

What went ye out for to see? Something susceptible of proof.

—A. 0 . I.

A First-Aid for Readers.

ARE YOU IN TROUBLE? CONFIDE IN OLD BILL, THE OLD F-----(Sorry), OR AUNT AGATHA, OR BOTH, AND VICE VERSA. “ SUPPER BAR,” “ HOT TWICE DAILY,” “ OPEN 7-10 p.m.,” and Others.

You are mistaken in your belief that instruction in “ Bubble and Squeak Manufacture ” can be gained by taking a combined course in Chemistry and Butchering. The former would supply the bubble, but the latter does not yet know how to save the squeak. Try Matriculation Chemistry. We understand that the extreme youth of this class, and its co-educational nature sometimes produce bubbles accompanied by squeaks. If disappointed try a different student in the class, or consult the Principal. “ JUNIOR MATHEMATICIAN” writes: I have a motor car which is twice as old as its tyres were, when the car was as old as the tyres are.

When the tyres are as old as the car is now, the united ages of the car and tyres will be 2\ years. Can you tell me what their respective ages are now. “ SENIOR MATHEMATICIAN” writes: A rope is passed over a pulley.

It has a weight at one end and a monkey at the other. There is the same length of rope on either side and equilibrium is maintained. The rope weighs 2oz. per foot.

The age of the monkey and the age of the monkey’s mother together 4

total 4 years. The weight of the monkey is as many pounds as the monkey’s mother is years old. The monkey’s mother is twice as old as the monkey was, when the monkey’s mother was half as old as the monkey will be, when the monkey is three times as old as the monkey’s mother was when the monkey’s mother was three times as old as the monkey.

The weight of the rope and the weight at the end was half as much again as the difference in weight between the weight of the weight, and the weight and the weight of the monkey.

What is the length of the rope, please?

(Old Bill cannot answer these two questions, and knows no one who can. Perhaps our readers may be able to help. We have consulted Old Bore, who gazed into his crystal, inscribed a pentagram on the floor with dragon’s blood, and burned five hairs, taken from the corpse of a mathematician, in the centre of it, and told us that the problems would certainly be solved before the end of 1932, and that his Almanack should be consulted.) “ DISILLUSIONED” asks: Why does Pancake Tuesday never fall on a Wednesday, when a half-holiday would be really worth while? We under­ stand it is to be on a Sunday next term. “ SYMPATHETIC ” writes: Why do dogs chase cats? In Aunt Agatha’s opinion the cats are to blame for not waiting. “ KEMMY ” asks: What is the Stores for? The matter is receiving full consideration, but up to the time of going to press no solution has been found.

No, it is not the headquarters of the “ Chem. Society.” “ HEALTH AND STRENGTH ” would like to know why the Gym is so high up in the College. He says he is tired out before he gets there.

According to a Mathematical authority, the main reason for the existence of the Gymnasium is to alternately raise and lower the lamps in the region below; so facilitating the study of harmonic vibrations.

A YOUNG ENGINEER writes: “ The jack is used lifting up cars, and it works on pratcly the same prinisple as the rack and pinion. The car is put on the top of the jack, and its handel is turned and the car rises up it the air, and the works can be atended to if they were fultey.” “ OPTICIAN.” You must be mistaken. The Editor assures us that it is not correct to define a “ sextant ” as “ a church caretaker.”

FOR EVERYTHING ELECTRICAL CONSULT

G IJY

V. L A Y C O C K , LTD.,

ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS and CONTRACTORS,

12, CLOTH HALL STREET, HUDDERSFIELD. TELEPHONE 1023.

5

P io n e e rs !

A Tribute « “ Nebuchadnezzar, the King of the Jews, Suffered from new and original views; He crawled on his hands and knees it’s said, With grass in his mouth, and a crown on his head.

Those in traditional paths that trod Thought the thing was a curse from God; But a Pioneer men always abuse, Like Nebuchadnezzar, the King of the Jews.”

—G. K. CHESTERTON. r

h^ h E

first forty years of the twentieth century saw remarkable progress in the cruder mechanical applications of scientific knowledge men learned to make roads, and to choke them with automobiles, to fill the air with flying machines and the ether with jazz, to produce commodities so rapidly that they put themselves out of work and had nothing to buy them with and to solve this difficulty by blowing themselves and their products to pieces with unprecedented efficiency; but it was not until almost the middle of the century that any great progress was made in applying science where one would have expected it to be applied first— to the human body itself, tor increasing the span of its useful service.

Some credit is due to Bernard Shaw, whose_ Back to Methusalah indicates that he saw clearly enough what was coming. His complete failure to stimulate progress in the matter must be ascribed to the fact that he appears to have had not the slightest inkling as to how it would come. The real pioneer of the stupendous advances of the past twenty years was the late George Blenkinsop, M.D., A.I.C., A.M.I.Mech.E. Like so many pioneers he found that invention was the mother of necessity, and reaped neithei wealt nor fame where he sowed so fruitfully for us.

As 1 am about to retire after ninety odd years of labour in this College, I feel I should no longer delay acquainting the new generation of students with something of the labours of this great scientist whom I knew so well as a colleague, and who was the real founder of our now world-famous Depart­ ment of Corporeal Engineering.

Dr. Blenkinsop joined the staff of the Engineering Dept, about He was not a young man. He was admittedly possessed of a brilliant intellec But in a day of narrow specialisation the breadth of his studies had not helped his career. He had oscillated between medicine and engineering, and theie was then no recognised bridge between them. We knew little of his past, and he was not communicative; but there had apparently been difficulties.

It was not long before one arose in the College. Shortly after his airiva he began to spend an increasing portion of his time in the Biological Lab. was hinted that he was neglecting his duties, and absurd rumours were sprea about. Then a member of the staff was found unconscious in the laboratory with a great gash in her throat. But for a timely discovery she would have bled to death. Blenkinsop was clearly implicated, and was arrested. How6

ever, when the lady was sufficiently well to describe what had happened, she asserted that she had been experimenting on her own initiative, and against Blenkinsop’s advice, with some apparatus of his manufacture, and had met with an accident.

Later he began to show great interest in sport and athletics. College clubs found him an active and generous helper, and he became extremely popular with students, until it was realised that he was not in the least in­ terested in their success, but in their fatigue.

Then he took to visiting Sheffield. Every spare moment seemed to be spent there. Malicious folk again invented rumours; but they were set to rest when there appeared on the market the Firth-Blenkinsop Stainless Centrifugal Self-regulating Blood Pump, sponsored by the Blenkinsop Surgical Heart Society, Ltd., with its offer of renewed youth for the weak, more strength for the strong, and immunity from heart-failure.

The medical papers were unanimous in their contempt, and columns of ridicule followed in the lay press. Students saw the joke, and Blenkinsop’s lectures became nearly impossible. It was felt in other quarters that he was making the College ridiculous, and it was suggested that he should resign.

He would certainly have had to do so but for an accident. In one of his classes there was a particularly keen engineer, Jonks by name, to whom Blenkinsop had confided, in conversation, a great deal more than he had to anyone else, and Jonks was wont to declare that Blenkinsop was not such a fool as people thought him. Now Jonks was a great athlete; but about this time he collapsed suddenly in the middle of a College football match, and was told by the doctor that he had strained his heart, and must henceforth give up athletic pursuits entirely.

A month later Jonks astounded England by winning a great Manchester to Blackpool walking race at an average speed of seven and a half miles an hour. Moreover, he carried a great pack on his back. It was then revealed that he had had two insertions made in his neck and a Blenkinsop mechanical heart connected up, driven by a liquid air motor, all contained in his haversack.

The tide turned suddenly. Those who came to scoff remained to pray— that Blenkinsop pumps would speedily be made available for them. The press, characteristically, forgot what it had been saying a week before, and pro­ claimed Blenkinsop England’s greatest living scientist. And when Walkard Sprinter, the famous International of a generation before, “ came back,” with a diesel engine strapped round his middle, and carried off fifteen prizes in the Olympic Gaines, enthusiasm knew no bounds.

Every member of the College Football Team submitted to the minor operation required, and the team chugged invincibly into action. Each man had two pipes attached to his neck; a mechanical heart fixed securely behind him circulated his blood without fatigue, and a little 97cc Villers two-stroke engine drove the pump. Those who know the enormous energy continually expended in the human body, even when at rest, merely in circulating the blood, will realise what it meant to a football team to be relieved of this labour.

The team joined the Football Association, and would undoubtedly have been in the Final at Wembley had not the Association got alarmed and passed a new rule, since rescinded— a rule that must seem absurdly reactionary to present day readers— requiring that every player should depend entirely upon 7

his own energy during matches, as if football were a tiial of brute strength rather than scientific knowledge.

Success seemed assured to Blenkinsop.

The appliance came as a reprieve from sentence of death to those with diseased or failing hearts, it offered lengthened life to the aged; it made doubtful surgical operations safe and impossible ones easy. Prime movers were, however, a serious difficulty.

The crude and now obsolete petrol engine was then the only generally prac­ ticable lio'ht-weight source of power, and its awkwardness will be evident.

Two aged members of the College staff at the time were taken seriously ill.

With Blenkinsop’s aid they dodged funeral expenses, and returned in the following term with petrol driven hearts. The noise of the engines made their lectures unintelligible, and the fumes made the class rooms worse than the Coal Tar Lab. They were obliged to change over to electric drive when in the College, and were attached to the wall by long flexibles. (The Governors then complained of the current they consumed).

Under the circumstances disaster was inevitable, sooner or later. 1he minister of one of the Huddersfield chapels had about this time achieved con­ siderable fame as a preacher. Revival campaigns— orgies of quasi-religious mass emotion inspired by fervid oratory, unknown in these days -had made his name known throughout the land. Under urgent medical advice he was about to give up preaching altogether, the condition of his heart rendering any kind of excitement dangerous to his life; when he read of the successes achieved with the Blenkinsop pump. His congregation started a fund. The Mothers’ Meeting made mountains of underclothing and the Young Ladies were sweet with the jam and toffee they boiled. A bazaar was held, and contributions were received from grateful converts in all parts of the land.

They were thus able to purchase for him the latest improved de-luxe model, made throughout of Beryllium alloy for lightness, with supercharged eight cylinder power unit, three speeds forward and reverse, coil ignition,^eleven bearing crank shaft, screened grid valves, improved silencer and the “ M.P.” accelerator for oratorical emphasis. He returned to his life work with renewed fervour; his fame increased, and his absences on tour grew longer.

His Huddersfield congregation were beginning to fear that they would lose him altogether—when they did; but not in the way anticipated.

Ministers are seldom mechanics; certain gland packings were neglected.

He was taking part in a great revival, when the leak became serious, and the pump began to draw petrol from the engine into his blood stream. Wonder­ ful scenes had been witnessed. On the fourth evening his stirring address on Elijah was concluding before a crowded congregation, filled with tremendous enthusiasm. He paused. Then he “ stepped on the gas ” and flung forth his peroration, when his breath, charged with thunderous denunciation and gas­ oline, reached the incandescent mantle illuminating the pulpit, and he, too, ascended to Heaven as in a chariot of fire, amid the Hallelujahs of the multitude.

This was, of course, no ordinary accident—there was something seemly and appropriate about it. There were, indeed, many among the followers of the departed who strenuously denied that the pump had anything to do with it. He might have become a Saint, but that the Free Churches make no provision for canonisation, and Blenkinsop’s work might have survived the disaster, had not another of a more serious character occurred only a few days later.

8

The great General Hospital of Chicago had adopted the pump with some enthusiasm. The increase of motor traffic had put the hospital, like many another, into a permanent state of congestion, and its surgeons had realised that cures could be speeded up if all patients were relieved of the necessity of circulating their own blood. A great central electrically driven heart was installed, with pipes to all wards, and a wall-plug beside each bed. This was held to have additional labour-saving advantages; a standard blood could be circulated, which was automatically filtered, oxygenated, sterilised, irradiated with artificial sunlight, and supplied at the correct temperature. Bacteria had never known such a thin time, and clinical thermometers were discarded.

Then, one night, at 1-15 a.m. to be precise, the electricity supply failed. In the morning three thousand nine hundred and seventy eight patients were found dead in bed.

There was a public outcry. Blenkinsop lost his nerve; he packed a hand­ bag one evening, and vanished completely.

Five years later I came across him by accident, broken in health and almost destitute, living in a London cellar. By day he scraped together a precarious living; by night his slender resources and energies were devoted to an effort to perfect an electrical muscular activation machine. He died a few months later—of heart failure ! He had completed his machine; but could get no one to take it up. Two years later shares in the Galvanic Auxiliary Muscle Co. were changing hands at £17 per £1 share; but Blenkinsop’s name was never heard in connection with the Company.

To-day, as you assemble for a lecture, and the lecturer’s conveyor glides silently into your class room, you know that the cranium of the august being within carries the accumulated wisdom of well over a hundred years at the least, and as you listen to the silver tones of his amplifier you are aware that the science of Corporeal Engineering alone has made possible for you the benefit of such experience. While his blood is circulated and his breakfast digested for him, his body heated electrically, and his muscles electrically energised, his photo-synthesiser gives him a continuous access of strength from the light in the room (unless some fool turns the light out), and the photo-cells which replace his atrophied eyeballs enable him to see everything clearly.

His radio-sensitive cranial auxiliary detects your slightest miscon­ ception before you have fully misconceived, and the telescopic steel extension of his arm shoots across the room to guide your pencil from the error you were about to make in your notes. Here you have a man who has delivered the identical lecture perhaps five hundred times; you listen to him in the confident assurance that no new idea has entered his head to disturb the sequence and coherence of his course for fifty years at least, that his jokes have been tried out on students and found reliable before your father was at school, that he knows by heart all the questions that your examiners can possibly think of, and that every lecture swotted up is a sure winner in the Degree or Diploma Stakes.

For these advantages, of which I knew nothing when a student myself, you owe more perhaps to Blenkinsop than to any of the famous Corporeal Engineers whose names are household words to-day. It is fitting that his name should not be forgotten.

9

Our Great Dud Limerick Competition.

No Prizes.

No Entrance Fee.

The Law of Libel is waived by permission of the Commissioners of the Home Department, Miss Q ........... k and Miss M............n.

THE 9-15 BELL AT A CERTAIN EVENING CLASS. There was an old lad named Herr Schmidt, Who could ‘ sum ’ quite as easy as knit, He could ‘ log ’ anything ........................ “ Let the cursed bell ring,” Said he, as his ‘ night pipe ’ he lit.

ECONOMY. An economist famous, G. C ........... r, Lectured once to the brains that are smarter, To wit, the Chem. Soc., Which was stunned by the shock Of his praises of gold and not barter.

‘4 H O P E . ” Their President past, Mr. Clay, Said he hoped there would soon come the day, When the Committee of Gold, Ere it grew much too old, Would build them new labs, o’er the way.

THE COMPLEAT HIKER. Then up spoke the long Joseph Nixon, And said he could very soon fix ’em A portable tent Of barbed wire and fent, Which would stand up without any sticks on.

FOR THE REALLY BEST WATERPROOFS, RUBBER FOOTWEAR, IN FACT RUBBER FOR ANY PURPOSE,

E. HELLEWELL CARTER & CO., Ltd., THE RUBBER STORES, 2, BUXTON ROAD. 10

Lecture on Anything,

T

1HE following is a verbatim report of a lecture given by a well-known lecturer in the college. In fairness to its author it must be said that it does not contain the whole lecture, but about three-quarters of it.

This portion of it we thought might come in useful to any of our readers who are called upon to give an impromptu lecture. We recommend it for use as 70% of an hour’s lecture on any Engineering subject, and with luck and a sleepy audience, its scope might be still further extended.

In the study of natural phenomena within the realm of physics, which, of course, includes mechanics and thermo-dynamics (and other subjects to taste), we soon find ourselves confronted with ideas and relationships which are not easily dealt with in common language; which is not capable of des­ cribing these things with sufficient power and brevity. Thus we are obliged to adopt mathematical language and habits of thought, expressed either algebraically, or, better still, by means of graphs.

In this way we both economize mental effort and gain greater command over the subject; by utilizing, for example, indicator diagrams or velocity-time graphs. We must not forget, however, that what we are really doing is to employ ideographs, or conventional symbols to represent ideas of which we have temporarily lost sight. Proceeding, however, from observable “ things ” such as “ force ” and “ displacement,” temperature and time, we build up certain ideas, such as “ mass,” “ energy,” “ momentum ” and “ quantity of heat,” but since we are not directly sensible of these latter ‘ things,” we cannot say what they are.

Now as to whether these things are self-existing entities or, like indicator diagrams, convenient mental conceptions, does not concern the practical scientist, to whom voltage and electric capacity have a very real significance, thus, as practical scientists, engineers must be content to employ the notions called energy, momentum, quantity of heat, electricity and magnetism, with­ out really knowing what these things are. Futhermore, a clearer grasp of certain ‘ things ” in physics is obtainable by deliberately abandoning any attempt to imagine what they really are, and contenting ourselves with re­ garding them as what, after all, they may prove to be, namely, numerical relationships between certain other physical quantities. Following this line of discussion we are soon obliged to adopt the language of the calculus, over which there has been much strife for nearly 300 years, and which even yet has not secured uniformity of expression. The difficulty arises partly from the fact that when expressed correctly, as pure mathematicians seek to express it, the habits of thought are quite divorced from “ common sense,” which of course represents the habits of thought of the practical man who takes observed things to be more simple than abstract mathematical relationships which are capable of simple mathematical representation. Thus a non-mathematical man would have a much greater difficulty in understanding Boyle’s Law than a person who could appreciate a P.V. graph. He who can understand a graph can understand what is meant by a differential coefficient, or in­ stantaneous velocity, although to “ common sense ” instantaneous velocity is a self-contradiction, since nobody can move in an instant, which is 11

no time. Now in practical engineering we are still glad to usea]co™™^‘^ c h in nnnlvino- the calculus to practical problems, although the calculus is m above common-sense, and fn any ca^e for P - f T ? heT a " u 7us at the same conclusion by the less elegant o d-fashroned use of the calculus maintain a surer grasp of our argument than by adhering to tne sirici language ol^mathematical 'philosophy. The wise student. w. 1 make> himself master of the mathematical philosophy and at the same time judiciously e ploy the older method in practical calculations.

In this way we approach............. ^ . , , « What is the use of repeating all that stuff," the Mock Turtle interrupted, if you don't explain it as you go on?

W o& erJfd. 0 V0T 110310 •

v^T-irpirp

The Destruction of EviL To the Editor of the Mock Turtle.

Sir—In your last issue your correspondent, “ We Breathe Again,” notes that a learned scientist has proved that the root of all evil is the root of minus one.

Might I suggest that he has failed to grasp— as might be expected from his address—the stupendous significance of this fact.

I will indicate just a few of the more important conclusions which arise from this important discovery.

If the root of all evil is the root of minus one, then evil multiplied by itself becomes a positive evil, since the fourth power of the square root of minus one equals plus one. Hence by rigorous mathematical proof we arrive at the grand conclusion: Unity is a positive evil.

Obviously then, since Unity is a positive evil, disunion must be a good, hence we obtain the following easy deductions from our one central fact:— ( 1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10)

A dismembered pedestrian is better than a live motorist. _ The remains of the Xmas dinner are better than the dinner itself.

Shove ha’penny in Room 44 is played better with 4 farthings than 2 half-pennies or 1 penny. . , The price of a cinema seat—in pence—in the pocket, is bettei tnan a fiver in the wallet.

Community singing is a positive disgrace.

Internal friction in any political party is conducive to the highest good.

Wedded life is a positive evil.

Divorce judges are benefactors of the race.

A unanimous verdict is abhorrent—especially to the prisoner.

All Trade Unions should be abolished.

12

Clearly, then, moralists, statesmen and philosophers who throughout the ages have sought to impress on mortals the virtues of unity have been guilty of subversive teaching in the highest degree.

Who will join with me at once in destroying the positive evil of our College Societies, which are unions made up of units, and therefore dyed with evil of the deepest hue?

I am, Sir, “ THE THINKER.” The Dome of Silence, Technical College, Huddersfield.

ON SALE—“ THE MOCK TURTLE.” Salesman: “ Will you have a College Magazine, please?”

No reply.

S.: “ Can I sell you a Mock Turtle, please?”

Frozen silence.

S. (engagingly): “ Will you have a copy of the College Mag., please.'

Cheerful Youth: “ Certainly ! ” S.: “ Sixpence, please ! ” , „ x. . . .

Follows an exhaustive search, revealing the usual collection of string and half-pennies. , , , ,, ... . , , „ .. “ Sorry, no change,” says the no longer cheerful youth with a sickly smile.

The voice of the salesman is heard persistently cheerful lauding the virtues of the Mag. to the skies— Ah ! a customer.

Enter well groomed youth. .

S. (persuasively): “ Can I sell you a Magazine, please? “ How much are they?” drawls a voice as Oxford as the bags it wears.

S.: “ Sixpence, please.”

Apologetically— “ Can you change a note.

S • “ Awfully sorry.” (But we trust him—who wouldn t?) “ When do you say you’ll be here again? Oh, Tuesday—the same time I suppose? Well, give me your sixpence then—thank you .

And he goes.

Tuesday at the same time.

Salesman cooling his heels in the entrance, and whistling seen a youth with a sixpenny air?

Ah !— no, those bags aren’t “ baggy enough.

U sten !— no, too pronounced a drawl.

Has anybody

Notice. “ will the youth who owes the ‘ Mock Turtle ’ sixpence, please give

hope he buys (yes, really) another copy this term.

13

__ q . J.

Recipes - Rich and Rare,

By A NOTED CONNOISSEUR. T F y ° u, are suffering from a thick head, a jaded appetite, a broken heart I boils, toothache, or a pain in the eyeball, try some of these, and vou may find relief.

J I discovered them, one and all, on my travels in various parts of the world I don’t want to sound boastful; but I may say that there isn’t a man breathing who is more widely travelled than I. So you may rest assured that these recipes are THE best.

1. I obtained this from a well-known bootlegger in Chicago, and it has every known drink beaten to a frazzle. When in season take an apple, a pear a plum and a cherry; cut each into strips, place in a bottle, and just cover with absinthe. Add 1 nutmeg, 2oz. of yeast, loz. each of ginger, malt and hops, and a cupful of whisky. Cork, shake well, and store in a dry place for six months. The result— if the bottle doesn’t burst, will be like nothing on earth.

2. The manner in which I discovered this recipe is rather interesting, and I think worth recounting. It happened in Greenland. I am frequently sent up there on missions of State. I happened to slip on the ice and sprain my ankle. The thing swelled up to an enormous size, and naturally walking was quite out of the question for a few days. I was sitting disconsolately in the igloo late one afternoon, when my eskimo servant wormed his way in and sat up, smiling blandly. “ How’s Massa?” says he. “ Massa pretty rotten pain. Savvy? No? Yes?” says I, pointing to my bandaged foot. “ Ho ! sez you?” says he, looking surprised. “ Yes ! sez me,” says I vehemently. Then I say in Yiddish—because I hate offending people; and anyway he can run, and I can’t give chase—so I say in Yiddish, “ And what the so and so is there to laugh at, you ugly little Hotentot?”

Of course, as I expected, he only grins the harder; and though I felt wild, I kept calm, because when you have had as much experience of Eskimos as I have, you will know that it is useless to lose your temper over them. So after a bit I subside on my blankets with a weary sigh, and start chewing a piece of blubber.

Suddenly, that fool of a servant claps his hands excitedly, and taps me right on the centre of my injured ankle.

Naturally, I let out a yell, and sit up breathing hard. “ Massa,” says Whatanose— that was his name— “ Massa,” says he, “ me go, me ’op it; me back dam quick. Adioo monsoo,” and, grinning like a Cheshire cat, he wriggles out through the door.

It was sunset when he left, and, knowing Eskimos as I do, I reckoned that at the earliest he would put in an appearance about noon on the morrow, so I settled down for the night; and as my foot throbbed and burned I decided as an experiment to sleep with it sticking out of the door, hoping 14

that the cold air might ease the pain. My leg was swathed in bandages, so there was not much chance of it freezing.

Well, there I was half in and half out of the igloo, with the doorway forming a sort of bed cage over my leg. After an hour or two I sank into a sort of coma; how long I remained like that I don’t know; but I know this, that suddenly I felt the most terrible sickening blow it has ever been my mis­ fortune to receive, right on my gammy foot, and heard a voice shrieking “ Massa ! Massa !” & In my agony I must have bounced fully six inches off the ground; then my wails mixed with the Eskimo’s. “ Stop it ! stop it! ” I bleat, half mad with pain. “ Massa ! Monsoo ! Camerade ! Massa !” bawls the Eskimo. Then, like a fiery serpent, he comes crawling over my leg into the igloo.

It’s a good job my revolver wasn’t handy, or I verily believe I’d have shot him on the spot.

Well, for a time all was confusion; t h e n -----But to cut a long story short, it turned out that when Whatanose left me that night, he went in search of a certain weed—I don’t know its name to this day—which is good for sprains and things; and, returning with a handful, he saw my foot sticking up in the snow like, he said “ dam’ no good,” which, in his nondescript jargon, means an evil spirit. These Eskimos are very superstitious, but thinking it was about to attack me, he overcame his fear, and snatching up a snowshoe lashed down at it with all his might.

You know the result, and believe me or believe me not, by breakfast time I was walking about as right as rain.

Whether it was the weed the Eskimo gave me, or the blow, or the shock, I don’t know; but the fact remains that I was cured like magic.

Whatanose said it was the weed.

This weed, he said, had cured his grandfather of gout, rheumatism, back­ ache and dandruff in twenty-four hours. It grew, so his grandfather had told him, all over the world, but because of its taste— like dry-rot—most people wouldn’t take it.

I give you this for what it is worth; but as I say, unfortunately I don’t know the name of this weed; I can only give you its description. It stands about a quarter of an inch high, and has one octagonal leaf the colour of grass. It is to be found in most meadows and pastures all the year round, and is eaten raw in any quantity.

So, now, when you get a sprain, gout, rheumatism, backache or dan­ druff, you know what to do.

But don’t do as an elderly man I know did.

After several hours fruitless search for the weed—he was a sufferer from backache—he lost patience, and what with the pain of straightening his back, and dropping his spectacles, he lost his head for a few seconds, and in his rage swallowed a bunch of grass.

He was only discharged from hospital recently.

Well, that’s recipe number 2.

3.

The following was given to me exclusively by a member of the Russian Secret Police or Ogpu (Oh Go and Paint Umbugs). It has become very popular in post-war Russia, and is most effective. ' Take loz. T.N.T., ^oz. Phosgene, 3 scruples—if you’ve got any—of H2clOH3N I said K6GM11DSO, BSc he said OL2U. Place the whole in a 15

cigarette, and give it to your rival in love or somebody; but stand clear when he lights it.

4. This is a Chinese dainty and was given to me by a one-eyed man­ darin in Pekin. I met him on the waterfront there in ’99. The same year as the rush to the Yukon; or was it the repealing of the corn laws? I don’t know; I forget. But I shall always remember the date because I was married that year.

Take six live white mice (seven is unlucky), and hang them in a row on a string with their heads immersed in a dish of treacle. When they cease strugglng sprinkle them with cinnamon, sage, and tripe and onions.

Add salt to taste, and eat them head first.

5. To conclude this unique selection, I will tell you of a trick I learnt when I was in the Foreign Legion.

It is invaluable when you are lost in the desert as I once was. There were two of us, a corporal known affec­ tionately as “ Lousy Luke ” and myself. Somehow we’d fallen in the rear of our column, and before we knew where we were a sandstorm arose, and soon we were completely isolated. “ ’Ow long do yer think this ’ere storm’ll last, sir?” asked Luke anxiously. “ It’s difficult to say corporal,” I replied, shouting through the din. “ It may last an hour, or it may last a month; but there’s one good thing; it’s bound to stop some time.” “ Yes, sir,” said Luke, comforted.

As it happened the storm lasted twenty minutes; but by that time the face of the desert had changed completely.

When the storm began the corporal and I were in a valley; now we were on the top of a hill.

Well, all that day we rode—as is customary when lost in a desert— round and round in a wide circle, and by nightfall our camels had worn a circular rut kneedeep in the sand. At last I halted, slightly dizzy. “ We can’t go on like this corporal,” I said (somewhat peevishly I’m afraid), “ or by sunrise we’ll have sunk out of sight altogether.” “ Yes, sir,” that’s true, sir,” said Luke, and it was then that he suggested to me this trick, which I will call recipe 6.

When you are lost in the desert and your water tank is empty, take the empty tank, hold it to your camel’s nose, dig your spurs into his side, shout “ good dog, fetch ’em,” and if he doesn’t lead you to water within a week— well, I’m afraid you’ll be dead, that’s all.

Actors, scene shifters, electricians, costumiers, stage managers, prompters, programme sellers, and a claque wanted.

Will those students (men and women— day or evening) who are willing to take part in a private perform­ ance (Charity) of “ The Passing of the Third Floor B ack” (Jerome K. Jerome) kindly give in their names personally, or write, to SYLVIA RUSHWORTH or ALBERT LOWE (c/o Students’ Letter Rack).

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7

Landlady (to new tenant): “ Beg pardon, sir, but would you like your potatoes in the nude or with their waistcoats on?�

Old Bore’s Almanac for 1932, Cut this out. Paste it on a piece of cardboard (obtainable on request from Mr. Bell), and hang it over your bed.

You will need it.

Owing to the amazing accuracy of Mr. Bore’s predictions last Christmas, we feel that the College must be warned again to prepare for a terrible future.

It appears that the Engineers are responsible for this unparalleled generosity on the part of Mr. Bore,— he considers them so polite and well behaved ! !

All because two members of this gentlemanly sect caught him as he was falling off the door step of the “ Pack Horse,” thus saving his life. They then carried him gently back to the bar, and again, he assures us, they saved his life.

JANUARY. Venus and Mars, with Jupiter closely behind, are about to enter the “ Plough,” trouble is bound to ensue. Marked growth in the activities of the U.S.S.R. agency, next to the Principal’s room, will be noticed; they will probably break through the dividing wall and take charge of the College. Reference to smells will be made a capital crime, and a levy of one barrel of ale will be enforced on every Art Student.

JAN. 2nd: Mixed Hockey Club (M.H.C.) play Honley. ’Onley one goal scored.

9th: M.H.C. v. British Dyes, in the Dye House.

Vat a game !

14th: H.T.C. Chemical Society. A. 0. Jones on “ Life and Death from a Chemical Viewpoint.” The Lecturer will seek the assistance of the Chairman to demonstrate the changes involved. Some disturbance is expected.

15th: Emergency Meeting of Chem. Society to elect new Chairman.

16th: M.H.C. v. St. Wilfrid’s. It is understood that Wilf. will be unable to appear in person.

17th: Emergency Meeting of Education Committee to appoint new Lecturer in Chemistry.

22nd: Prize Distribution. Prizes, Certificates, Diplomas, and words of wisdom will be distributed in the College Hall. Those who like this kind of thing will find this kind of thing they like. Old Bore regrets that he will be unable to preside in person. The Principal will present his report. This will tell you quite a lot of things about the College; but nothing to what Old Bore’s report would tell you.

28th: Capt. Smith lectures to Chem. Society on “ English and other Mountains,” because the higher they get the fewer.'

30th: M.H.C. v. Ovenden.

Result: Win 2-0.

FEBRUARY. The lunation occurs on the 10th, and the sanitation causes a lot of trouble. Beware the perils of Anaemia ! Anyone using broken glass as an antiseptic is in grave danger. The sun will be invisible in the Physics Dept., but the lab. will be illuminated by the Editor’s face, when he hears that the last copy of the “ M.T.” has been disposed of. The horoscope of a famous research chemist is very favourable to the discovery of a cure for psittisoris, osmosis, rednosis and symphony concerts. He will consequently be appointed head analyst at the “ Nont Sarah’s ” Sewerage Works.

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FEB. 6th: M.H.C. v. St. Cuthbert’s, at home.

Win, 3-0.

11th: Chem. Socy. Works visit. It is understood that a brewery will be chosen if possible. In that case early application will be necessary to join the party, and a jug or bottle should be brought.

13th: M.H.C. v. Priestman’s, at home. Win, 4-0.

20th: M.H.C. v. British Dyes again. The result will be the same as last time, only more so.

25th: Chem. Socy. Prize Essay Reading. Old Bore prophesies that either the first prize will be won by the treasurer, or there won’t be any.

27th: M.H.C. v. South Bradford.

Win, 5-0.

29th: Student Representative Council open reprieve petition for signature.

(See Jan. 14th.)

MARCH. The Great Bear will arise from his winter sleep, and things will happen. The Coal Tar Soviet, under their Five Minute Plan have made considerable progress with the new Chemistry Dept., have taken over Milton Church for a Research Lab., and converted the “ T u d o r” into a Lecture Theatre. Dyeing, Biology, Physics and Mathematics have been declared to be branches of Chemistry.

All other Depts. are abolished, and their staffs ordered to take a five years’ course in Chemistry to complete their education.

MAR. 5th: M.H.C. v. St. Chrystom’s, at home. Win, 6-0.

12th: M.H.C. v. Priestman’s. Win, 10-0.

19th: M.H.C. v. Walton. Team lose 15-0. The member who used to bribe the referees was bumped off last week.

26th: M.H.C. v. Storthes Hall. Team returns 10 players short.

11th: Chem. Socy. Dr. J. Walker on “ The Position of the White Races.”

Old Bore says these will be held, like the Derby and St. Leger, in the same place as last year.

APRIL. The persistent opposition of Saturn to Mars is far from re­ assuring, and William’s customary happy smile will be replaced by a look of anxiety, caused, no doubt, by wondering if Tosti raised his bowler hat when he said goodbye. On the 1st, the annual smock raffle takes place in Bradford; on the 2nd a distinguished chemist will appear in a new smock.

APRIL 1st: Chem. Socy. Old Bore will lecture on “ Old Bore Holes.”

The Palm Oil Co. is lending a set of slides illustrating old boring operations.

Old Bore will demonstrate. Packed meeting. Hundreds turned away.

MAY. The two malefic planets, Mars and Saturn, will form their opposi­ tion on the horizon of the Great Mutation conjunction of Saturn and Jupiter of 1883, and it will be publicly announced what Gladstone really said. Grouse shooting begins. If this is extended to grousers, we fear the College staff will be sadly depleted.

MAY 1st will be May Day this year.

1UNE The moon will be suffering from the 3rd degree of Cancer; we fear it will’ soon be dead. The students will receive little comfort from the rod and still less from the staff. A riot will occur in the Physics Dept., when a student will declare that old Bunsen must have been hot stuff, and upon being asked why, replies, “ Well, didn’t he burn ’er?”

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An Art student, after six months work, finds “Junior Mathematician’s ” car to be one year old, and its tyres 9 months. (See “ First Aid ” page).

JULY. An eclipse of the sun will be invisible at Dar-el-Salaam; this indicates that two prominent members of the Chem. Society will pay the first instalment of their subs, for 1931. A flag day will be arranged by sympathetic students for members of the staff who are now unable to afford cigarettes, and are performing with the pipe. The Sketch Club will have its photograph taken; the Secretary has been informed that a free sitting can be obtained; but he says he knows that one.

AUGUST. The College will be closed for cleaning. The Commerce Dept, will be disinfected, but it is feared that some of the inhabitants will escape. A public enquiry will be held as to whether “ Bereholm ” is the Scottish word for “ pub.”

SEPTEMBER. The inaugural address for Session 1930 will be delivered by Old Bore.

Glasgow fair week begins.

Displays of haggis catching and the bagpipe rearing its young will be given downstairs. “ Senior Mathematician’s ” problem (see “ First Aid ” page) is solved at last, by a Turtle student.

Never !

Yes; he finds the answer to be ten pounds. ’safact !

OCTOBER.

Old Bore has decided not to have an October this year.

NOVEMBER. The Editor’s birthday.

He will be presented with a bound volume of the Mock Turtle, in order to study alleged jokes which he could not understand at the time of issue.

DECEMBER. Arrival of the Comet, accompanied by Betelgeuse. Coal Tar Soviet destroyed by the Day Students’ Representative Council. Commisars N— n, C—y, and C— k are condemned to be publicly distilled, and their bones presented in sets to the Biological Dept, and School of Art. Meeting of the Bored of Studies; Grand Re-union of Old Bores.

Death of Old Year, but not Old Bore— what a pity !

‘True Economy is Wise Spending/ OW often we hear people say “ Books are such expensive luxuries,” yet when it comes to buying them for ourselves we are amazed at the wonderful books we can obtain for three or four shillings. And even here economy may step in.

Let twelve of us each buy one book—read it—and then exchange with one another. Let us extend this number to a large party, eventually forming a reading circle—each member buying his or her book, and then exchanging. We read several good books at the cost of a few pence each, and have one of our own to keep. Real economy can be achieved in this way. Readers of “ The Mock Turtle ” who would care to join such a Reading Circle are asked to send in their names to— GRACE JUBB, c/o The Library.

H

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Staff Notes* We extend a hearty welcome to Miss M. Holmes, B.A. (Com.) who has joined the Staff of the Commerce Dept., and to Dr. J. Ward, B.Sc., A.M.I.Mech.E., who comes to us from Northampton Polytechnic, at the begin­ ning of next term, as Head of the Mechanical Engineering Dept.

The sympathy of the College will go out to Mr. Elliott, whose eldest daughter died of pneumonia on November 5th.

Mr. Cryer, after a period of indifferent health, has undergone an operation.

We trust the Christmas holiday will complete his cure, and next term find him in good form.

Mr. Norman Booth has left the Textile Staff to become Consultant and Representative to Messrs. S. Law and Sons, of Cleckheaton. He has our good wishes in his new work.

Mr. H. Kitchenman was made an Associate Member of the Institution of Mechanical Engineers during last session.

Mr. Reyner (better known as William) has had a serious fall, and is confined to bed at the moment.

MR. BUTTON. With this issue we have to bid farewell to another old member of the Staff. Mr. J. W. Button retires at the end of the term, after a long period of service as Head of the Civil and Mechanical Engineering Department.

Mr. Button came to the Huddersfield Technical College from the Batter­ sea Polytechnic in 1907, twenty four years ago, and during his long stay has seen many changes, particularly in his own department.

In 1907 the total number of students in the department was 349, in 1930 the total number was 763, an eloquent testimonv to its growth under his charge.

The National Diploma and Certificate, and Afternoon Apprentice Schemes were launched under Mr. Button’s guidance, and their present scale and un­ doubted success are an enviable tribute to his patience and zeal.

We feel sure that everyone will join heartily in wishing Mr. Button a long and happy retirement.

Old Students’ Union.

RE-UNION. It is hoped that the Re-union will be held this year in December—but the date has not yet been definitely fixed.

News of Past Students— A. S. Firth. B.Sc. (Econ.), who, in addition to being an old student, was for some time an Assistant Lecturer in the College, has been appointed General Secretary of the Workers’ Educational Association.

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Dr. G. Lawton, who took his degree from the College, and was for some time on the Chemical Staff at Loughborough College, and at Leicester College of Technology, has been appointed Principal of Doncaster Technical College.

G. F. Hinchliff, A.R.C.A., appointed Headmaster of Batley School of Art. E. G. B. Gledhill has joined the staff of Wolverhampton Waterworks Dept.

Morris jubb has become Art Master at Barnsley Grammar School.

J. H. Wilson has been appointed Chief Chemist to the Sugar Beet Company, Selby.

S. W. Aldridge, J. E. Land, H. L. Mitchell, J. L. Wittrick, have all secured their Associate Membership of the Institution of Electrical Engineers during the past year.

W. Rosenberg has become Chemistry Master at Southport College.

Winifred M. Spencer (nee Aked) has a son, born Nov. 9th—John Anthony Francis—at the Willows, Great Billing, Northampton.

Mavis Green is shortly to marry John Robinson, of the Penistone Gram­ mar School.

Edith Sykes is now studying at University Training College, Birmingham.

Doris Ainley appointed Assistant Mistress at the Goitfield (Boys) Elemen­ tary School.

Bertha Green appointed Assistant Mistress at the Hillhouse (Infants’) Elementary School.

A.F.C. The Football Club with a waiting list ! What is the reason? Well, pre­ pare for a shock; they have actually won a match—nay, several matches. One member of the College proudly suggested that the team should be given four goals start when they met the Old Boys of his School, but he had a severe shock, and would gladly have welcomed the four goals. The reason for this success is that the club has gradually been building up a team during the past two years, which is now an asset to the College. The members of the team are very reticent at having the results reported, as it is just one long list of successes—the last five matches have all been won. I might also report that, although several members of leading local amateur teams have offered their services, there is no truth in the rumour that Alec. Jackson is leaving Chelsea to study Art at the College.

- J . W. “ MOCK TURTLE ” BLADDER. THIS TERM’S AWARD: To the Chemistry Lecturer who consulted his watch to find how many weeks had to run to the end of the term. His feel­ ings on finding that it was only 10 a.m. can only be described as mixed.

Prox. acc.—The student who went into the office and asked for “ some loggerhead tables.”

We understand that just after the General Election a rabbit was slaughtered in the Biology Department. Was this a thank offering? If so, what for? If not, why not?

Because they call me Brook it does not follow that I am a brook.—From the Philosophy of C. B. B. 22

The Student Christian Movement* ANY students are just beginning to realise that our College possesses a branch of the S.C.M., and that it meets every alternate Friday at 4 p.m., tea being served as a preliminary to the address or debate. We should like to stress here that there always is a debate, what­ ever the subject. The discussion is the part of our meetings enjoyed most by our members.

We find there is a growing interest shown in our meetings as the term progresses, and hope that this interest will continue to increase.

On December 11th Mr. Carter is to give us a lecture, to which we invite all students who may be interested.

We are expecting a large crowd at this meeting, our justification for this prediction being the popularity of Mr. Carter’s lecture to the Chemical Society. We can offer the additional attrac­ tion of tea.

Meetings this term have been extremely interesting. We have had two lectures. The first was delivered by Kenneth Day on “ Swanwick ” and the second by Albert Lowe on “ The Approach to World Peace.”

Both were exceedingly well conceived and delivered; our only regret was that there were not more present to hear them.

Our last meeting took the form of a debate: “ That a United Church would be better for the material and spiritual needs of the people than the present system.”

This debate was so successful that we intend holding another, early next term, in which we wish to have only women students taking leading parts, so we hope that any aspiring orators will join the S.C.M. They will have ample opportunity to develop their powers.

Watch for the poster announcing our debate, and roll up in great num­ bers to take part.

—E. P. S. POPPY DANCE. Dear Mr. Editor, We would like, through your columns, to thank all those who in any way helped to make the Whist Drive and Poppy Dance such a success. The effort realised the sum of £18 10s. 7d., which was handed to the Mayoress’s Fund.

Particularly are we indebted to the following:—Mrs. J. F. Hudson, for kindly acting as hostess and giving the whist prize for ladies; Dr. Walker and Mr. Mettrick, who so efficiently discharged their duties as M.C.s for whist and dance; Mademoiselle L. Dejardin, for the handsome clock she gave as consolation prize for whist; Dr. Crow and the men students, who provided the whist prizes for the gentlemen; and last, but by no means least, to the stewards and other innumerable workers “ behind the scenes.”

Sincerely yours, Constance E. Armitage, Grace jubb, Sylvia Rushworth, Hon. Secs.

SALE OF POPPIES. The sale of poppies on November 11th and preceding days was success­ fully organised by Miss Constance E. Armitage and the women students. The sum realised was £10 10s. Od. 23

THE CHEMICAL SOCIETY. The opening term has been most successful, and we are pleased to note a record membership.

Mr. Carter opened the session with a highly humorous lecture on weaknesses of the fair sex, to which he gave the title of “ The Economics of the Chemical Element, Gold.” The next function was a dance and, as is usually the case with Chemical Society dances, it was a success in every way (Ahem !)* This was followed by a trip to Mackintoshs’, which deserves special mention. A party of thirty travelled by private bus, and the outward journey was most uneventful.

We had a great amount of trouble in keeping the emergency exit door closed, however, and some of the members of the party resorted to whistling to it. Our capable guide showed us the sights of Elland, but as it was raining, there were very few of them about.

On arrival at Mackintoshs’ we were conducted round the works, which were extremely interesting.

We were repeatedly held up by two of our members bringing up the rear a long way behind.

The only intelligible remark made by these two members after the trip was: “ By gum ! Wern't ’er in’t blue dress grand.”

The party returned by a much more circuituous route, and this fact was appreciated and duly taken advantage of by the members occupying the rear seats.

The last lecture resulted in Mr. Walton boring us for half an hour with a talk on Mineral Springs.

The Society intend holding a dance early in February, and more works visits will also be arranged in the near future.

J. W. * The authority for this remark is questioned. We are informed from a reliable source that certain members of the Society were keeping very good company at a local picture house while the dance was in progress.— Ed. “ OVER THE WAY." There was a Tec’s tile called M-------------------k Who was busy as current electric, While weaving some coats And eating his oats To swallow his cloth was his pet-trick.

E. P. S.

WHAT IS AN ENGINEER? Witness in court recently: I used to call myself a mechanic; but now the boy who holds my pliers calls himself that; so I call myself an engineer.

MURDER ! During a concert in the College Hall recently the Chairman was sent foi and found two policemen wanted to see him.

Someone had telephoned the station to say that a man named Schubert was being mur-

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