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Suiting worked precisely becauseIt wasn’t the kind of feminine, hourglass accentuating attireI associated with the male gaze. Most of the time while at work as a model, that’s whatI wore and, apparently,It was obvious thatIt made me uncomfortable. Even after years of experience,I recently got feedback from a client thatI should take a movement class. On the surfaceI wasInsulted, butI quietly hoped that a one on one with a coach might be able to dissolve my discomfort.In the end,I spent my entire session talking through the self consciousnessI was experiencing while modeling traditionally feminine fashion no exercises needed.
In the past, the most prominent feeling that arose whenI got dressed was discomfort.I never wore anything too “feminine” or revealing becauseIt attracted unwanted sexual attention from men.I also never wore anything too “masculine” out of fear that people might thinkI looked, well, gay.
Tailored clothing, like my vintage men’s Armani blazers from the RealReal and Brandon Maxwell trousers from 11 Honoré, made me feel most powerful. Since those pieces were hard to findIn plus sizes,I even built my own brand of suiting, called Henning (now part of Universal Standard). These modest, structured, menswearInspired pieces were my armor.
The more confidentI got at work and beyond, the moreI learned how deeply affectedI was by dressing for the male gaze.I also realized thatIfIIdentified as gay,I wouldn’t have to feel the pressure of looking attractive to men andI couldInstead relishIn the female gaze. Through that lens, the typical manmade standards of beauty do not exist.In my female gaze,I do not deem women unattractiveIf they are not thin, curvy, white, blonde, dressed for flattery, perfectly made up, etc. And whenI turn that logic on myself,I feelIncredibly relieved. This newfound ease has allowed me to dressIn a way that’s focused on self expression.It’s helped me relax a little bit, too; whileI still love suiting,I don’t throw a blazer on top of every look anymore. My favorite pieces used to be super structured menswear my closetIs full of Ermenegildo Zegna but my current go tos are a languid Dolce & Gabbana wrap blazer and the vintage leather Calvin Klein blazerI pair with a miniskirt.I’ve also been trying on femme looks that make me feel strong, like Miaou corsets and Ester Manas dresses.
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