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The more confidentI got at work and beyond, the moreI learned how deeply affectedI was by dressing for the male gaze.I also realized thatIfIIdentified as gay,I wouldn’t have to feel the pressure of looking attractive to men andI couldInstead relishIn the female gaze. Through that lens, the typical manmade standards of beauty do not exist.In my female gaze,I do not deem women unattractiveIf they are not thin, curvy, white, blonde, dressed for flattery, perfectly made up, etc.And whenI turn that logic on myself,I feelIncredibly relieved. This newfound ease has allowed me to dressIn a way that’s focused on self expression.It’s helped me relax a little bit, too; whileI still love suiting,I don’t throw a blazer on top of every look anymore. My favorite pieces used to be super structured menswear my closetIs full of Ermenegildo Zegna but my current go tos are a languid Dolce & Gabbana wrap blazer and the vintage leather Calvin Klein blazerI pair with a miniskirt.I’ve also been trying on femme looks that make me feel strong, like Miaou corsets and Ester Manas dresses.
Beyond suiting,I find myself wearing things to signal thatI am part of the queer community. With a little bit of research,I learned that fashionItems like thumb rings, septum piercings, vests, and cargo pants are talismans of lesbianism. The first timeI wore my Mejuri septum cuff,I felt like such a fraud thatI tookIt off half way through the evening, but asI'make pieces like my Monse cargo pants and Dior Homme vest part of my regular wardrobe,I feel like myself. BecauseI’m not fretting about whatI’m wearing,I’m able to be presentIn the moment. That’s made me notice when other queer folks hold my gaze a little longerIn the coffee shop or flash a quick smile on the sidewalk.And the GAY NOW tote?Atotal hit. WhenI wearIt,I feel like a walking advertisement for L.L. Bean. Wearing these symbols of communityIs about much more than getting a compliment. Simply wearing a coded piece saves me the anxiety of having to verbally come outIn a new space.
So, where didI learn these things? Mostly at my therapist’s office. But also form the many fashion peers, designers,Influencers, and content creators who take prideIn celebrating the LGBTQ+ experience.I followed gender non conforming fashionInfluencers like @alokvmenon and @uglyworldwide and queer platforms like @qwear and @dapperQ.I shopped at queer owned stores like LTrain Vintage and Emily Meyer.I watched queer lead TV programs likeApril cover star Cara Delevingne’s Planet Sex and Tan France’s NextIn Fashion. The list goes on. Yesterday,I was announced as a 2023 SportsIllustrated Swimsuit rookie. BeingIn the pages of SIIs something that the old, closeted version of me would have panicked at the thought of. ButI drew confidence from the
fact that SI Swimsuit has celebrated talent likeAshley Graham, Leyna Bloom, and Maye Musk.And as luck would haveIt,I went through the above journey at the perfect time:I’m now as comfortableIn my skin asI amIn a string bikini.
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