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The School Mediator Peer Mediation Insights From the Desk of Richard Cohen

in this issue

Welcome back to school and to the September issue of our sixth volume of The School Mediator. We now have over 2600 subscribers from 62 countries!

This month we begin a two part exploration of an often overlooked part of the peer mediation process: the intake interview. Maija Gray, master peer mediation coordinator, inspired and co-wrote this article.

As always, please send along your thoughts and experiences.

Wishing you the best, wherever you are, Richard Cohen Founder and Director School Mediation Associates PS: If you receive this free newsletter directly from us, you are already on our subscriber list. If a colleague forwarded it to you, you can easily subscribe by sending your email address to sma@schoolmediation.com

Vol. VI, 9/06

Effective Intakes: Connect and Support, Then Inform Response to "Re-Entry Mediation" About Us

Newsletter Archive Available Access past issues of The School Mediator through the link below.

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 Effective Intakes: Connect and Support, Then Inform Your peer mediators are trained and ready to go.

Your outreach campaign is in full swing.

At last, the assistant principal responds by referring students in conflict to the peer mediation program.

Now what?

Time for intake interviews.

The next few issues of "The School Mediator" will explore this integral yet often overlooked component of any successful peer mediation program.

Without skilled intake interviews, students won't choose to mediate, and the school community will not benefit from the peer mediation effort.

Of course, we know that a large majority of student parties will find mediation valuable. Unfortunately, most students do not share this understanding.

To appreciate the challenge of the intake interview, consider these two facts:

The School Mediator's Field Guide: Prejudice, Sexual Harassment, Large Groups and Other Daily Challenges

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#1. Mediation is voluntary, and students must choose to participate in mediation for it to be most helpful. #2. Most potential parties initially don't want to try mediation.

The mediation coordinator is faced with the difficult task of encouraging students to choose to do something that, at least at the outset, they don't want to do.

Why do students hesitate to participate in mediation? In most cases, the reason is simple: They are afraid.

From a typical student's perspective, there is much to fear: a. Fear of the Other Party: Few people of any age look forward to talking with someone with whom they are in conflict.

The risks seem very high: for losing face, for hurt feelings (one's own or the other party's), for saying the wrong thing, for not getting what one wants, for confronting something uncomfortable in oneself, for damaging a friendship, even for physical violence. b. Fear of Breaking Social Norms: Many students see violence as the norm. Toughness is encouraged at every turnat home, among peers, and in the media.

Anything that might be perceived as "soft" is

Students Resolving Conflict: Peer Mediation in Schools

by Richard Cohen more info

understood to lead to ridicule or loss and therefore is to be avoided.

Students don't have the breadth of experience to see confrontational behavior as only one option among many for approaching their conflicts. c. Fear of the Unknown: Most potential parties do not understand what mediation is and how it works. Students often assume, for instance, that their private information will be revealed, or that peer mediators will tell them what to do.

Aside from students' apprehension, other factors can contribute to students' initial refusal to participate in mediation, including school culture, the manner in which referral sources present mediation, and the timing of the referral.

Sometimes, too, mediation is truly not the best avenue for a particular student to meet his or her needs.

But many coordinators can dramatically increase their program's caseload by refining their approach to intake interviewing.

The key: Strive, above all else, to build a trusting relationship with students during the intake interview.

The best coordinators function as a personal coach: reassuring students, treating them with respect, and

honoring their growing independence.

Coordinators' insight, sensitivity, and intuition are their most important tools here. When it works, students should feel understood, supported, safe, and in control.

Educating students about mediation should occur within this comfortable context, with coordinators strategically sharing information--and encouraging students to try it--in response to students' unfolding concerns.

This can take time, and depending upon the student and their unique needs, it may involve more than one face-toface meeting.* We'll have more on intake interviews next month. In the meantime...

Please share your thoughts about intake interviews. We can all learn from your experience. *It is worth noting that time, or more accurately the lack of it, leads some peer mediation coordinators to do without intake interviews altogether. These coordinators receive referrals, schedule mediators and parties to arrive simultaneously, and then talk briefly with parties prior to the session. This lack of attention to the intake process, however

understandable given coordinators' limited availability, lessens the program's impact.  Response to "ReEntry Mediation" We received a number of responses to last May's issue of The School Mediator. They are posted below.

I found this article about re-entry mediation fascinating. It is very similar to the reintegration conference that we recommend to schools, the difference being two-fold: 1. In such a conference parents are present and participate in the healing, as they have been affected as well, have their own story to tell, and can often help support their child fulfill the contract.

2. The process is facilitated by an adult (but it is interesting to consider using peer mediators instead).

Best wishes. I enjoy your newsletters very much.

Belinda Hopkins Transforming Conflict National Centre for Restorative Justice in Education Berkshire, England

As a community mediation program, we have been called in by schools to provide mediation in re-

entry situations. Some schools do not have peer mediation programs; others apparently consider these cases inappropriate for their own peer mediation program. I am glad to know that at least some peer mediation programs are working in this area also.

We draw on our experience with Victim Offender Dialogue (VOD) for this work. We meet first with each party individually to explore their positions and interests, and then help them prepare for the joint meeting. In some cases, teachers or school staff members participate as parties in the mediation, having been directly involved in the incident leading to the suspension, usually as victim.

One of the valuable aspects that VOD brings to this is the expectation that the process is about giving each party a voice, taking responsibility for one's actions, and deciding how to move forward (including how to handle future interactions).

The confidentiality provision is critical; often nothing happens until the participants believe that we won't report the content of the mediation to the school administration or to their parents without their permission.

As mediators who are not part of the school system, it may be a bit easier to

establish credibility in this area and as outsiders it may be easier to be seen as neutrals.

Mediators often find these mediations very satisfying as they offer the blend of problem-solving, selfdetermination and healing that we hope to see in all mediations. The students seem to agree.

Carol Stewart, Program Director NH Mediation Program Concord, NH  About Us For twenty-two years, School Mediation Associates has been devoted to the application and promotion of mediation in schools.

SMA's mission is to transform schools into safer, more caring, and more effective institutions. Our books and training programs have been utilized by tens of thousands of people around the world.

Call us: 617-926-0994 Email us: sma@schoolmediation.co m Web us: www.schoolmediation.com Post us: 134 Standish Road, Watertown, MA 02472 USA Order books: 800-8333318 Copyright © 2006 School Mediation Associates. You may reproduce this article by including this copyright

and, if reproducing it electronically, including a link to www.schoolmediation.com .

About Us ? Our Services ? Books & Other Resources ? Newsletter Archive Other Interesting Stuff ? Feedback ? Order Form ? Home ? School Mediation Associates 134w Standish Road Watertown, MA 02472, USA sma@schoolmediation.com 617-926-0994

The School Mediator Peer Mediation Insights From the Desk of Richard Cohen

in this issue

Welcome to the October issue of The School Mediator.

This month we continue our exploration of the intake interview. As with last month's issue, Maija Gray inspired and co-wrote this piece.

Vol. VI, 10/06

Persuasive Words for Effective Intakes About Us

Please send along your thoughts and experiences.

Wishing you the best, wherever you are, Richard Cohen Founder and Director School Mediation Associates PS: If you receive this free newsletter directly from us, you are already on our

Newsletter Archive Available Access past issues of The School Mediator through the link below.

The School Mediator Archive

subscriber list. If a colleague forwarded it to you, you can easily subscribe by sending your email address to sma@schoolmediation.com .

To unsubscribe, just send us an email.

 Persuasive Words for Effective Intakes This is the second issue of The School Mediator about intake interviews. Click here to read last month's issue.

How do you convince a reluctant student to try mediation?

There is no easy formula; instead, as discussed last month, first you must develop a strong rapport with students. Only then do skillful coordinators educate about/advocate for mediation in response to each student's unique concerns.

If this sounds calculated-as in "planned and deliberate"--it is. You are listening strategically, attuning yourself to the student's interests, and creating opportunities to highlight the benefits of mediation.

Being calculated, however, can only get you so far. You need to be motivated by a sincere concern for students in order to be effective.

The following are some of the most persuasive

phrases in the intake interview "tool box:" "I care about your well being."

The foundation of it all: Students need to know that you understand them, that you are on their side, and that you have their best interests at heart.

"I'll be there for you."

If your program is one in which coordinators remain in the room during the session, let students know that you will be a witness and support for them.

Even if you do not customarily remain in the room, consider doing so for a very reluctant student.

"The other party is willing to try mediation."

This strategy is very powerful. It makes the student feel in control ("the other party needs me more than I need them") and it also implies that on some level, the other party cares about them. (Before you have a commitment from either party, you can ask whether the party at hand would be willing to mediate if the other party agrees. Also: Try to meet first with the party who will be most likely to agree to mediate.)

"Mediation can help you achieve your goals."

After discovering a student's interests relative to the other party (e.g., to not be bothered, to get a possession back, to find

The School Mediator's Field Guide: Prejudice, Sexual Harassment, Large Groups and Other Daily Challenges

by Richard Cohen more info

Students Resolving Conflict: Peer Mediation in Schools

by Richard Cohen more info

out the truth, to speak their mind, to restore a relationship, etc.), explain how mediation might be an effective way to achieve such goals. Share examples of how this has worked for other students.

"Talking it out is the mature thing to do (...and I can see that you are mature)."

This strategy appeals to students' desire to be grown- up and do the right thing. You might point out that humans have been given the ability to reason and to use our large brains, not just our fists. Or highlight the courage--courage that the student clearly has-required to try something like mediation.

"You can always back out."

Let students know that they don't have to agree to anything during mediation, and that they can end the process at any time if they feel it is not working for them.

"You have nothing to lose."

Some students respond well to a reminder that it doesn't hurt or cost anything to try mediation.

In some circumstances, you might even say to a student: "What do you have to lose? If you try mediation, and it doesn't work, you can always still fight."

"Fighting (and avoiding) usually won't get you what you want."

Fight or flight is no picnic.

The former has many negatives (personal injury, disciplinary consequences, and parental involvement, to name but a few), and avoiding a conflict can create its own set of problems. While mediation can seem difficult and scary initially, it is often the easiest route to achieving one's goals. Maija often says: "Fighting seems easy at first, but is difficult later; mediation seems difficult at first, but feels easy later."

"It is ultimately your choice."

Remind students that mediation is indeed voluntary, and should they decide not to do it, you will still sincerely respect and care about them. This is where you, the coordinator, must show some courage. Many a student has decided to try mediation directly after this demonstration of a coordinator's faith in them.

It's true: In the end, it is the student's decision whether to try mediation or not, and coordinators need to live with whatever he or she decides.

As you refine your intake interview chops, however, you'll find that increasing numbers of students will choose to try mediation.

The vast majority will be very glad that they did.

We want to learn from you! Please share specific

examples of what you say and do during intake interviews...  About Us For twenty-two years, School Mediation Associates has been devoted to the application and promotion of mediation in schools.

SMA's mission is to transform schools into safer, more caring, and more effective institutions. Our books and training programs have been utilized by tens of thousands of people around the world.

Call us: 617-926-0994 Email us: sma@schoolmediation.co m Web us: www.schoolmediation.com Post us: 134 Standish Road, Watertown, MA 02472 USA Order books: 800-8333318 Copyright © 2006 School Mediation Associates. You may reproduce this article by including this copyright and, if reproducing it electronically, including a link to www.schoolmediation.com .

About Us ? Our Services ? Books & Other Resources ? Newsletter Archive Other Interesting Stuff ? Feedback ? Order Form ? Home ? School Mediation Associates 134w Standish Road Watertown, MA 02472, USA sma@schoolmediation.com 617-926-0994