Hegemonocle Fall 2021 Issue 2

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69¢

Fall 2021

ISSUE 2

e h t HEGE

MONOCLE

into the...

HEGE-VERSE

The MACALESTER

HEGEMONOCLE Probably Macalester’s First…. And now Last…. Humor Magazine

Volume 24, Issue 2

Fall 2021

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF

Head Of Production

Niko Bjork ‘ 22 Jared Jageler ‘22

Sophia Vischer ‘ 22

Managing Editor

Zoe Roos Scheuerman ‘24 STAFF Ava Sadler-Gordon ‘22

Kirk Lobban ‘22

Gabi Isaac-Herzog ‘22

Gustav Kuhnen ‘22

Emma Malcolm ‘23

Rennie DiCarlo ‘23

Jaden Sinclair ‘24

Corgan Archuleta ‘24

Dan Bially Levy ‘24

Youssef Aithmad ‘24

Taylor Sibthorp ‘24

Rene’e Gonzales ‘24

Emydius Montes ‘24

Caitlyn Bergstrom ‘24

Lucas Martin ‘24

Morgan Niven ‘24

Talia Ostacher ‘25

Jack Berkey ‘24

Noah Hanson ‘24

Coat Rack ‘99

SHOUT OUTS

Harold in Document Services, for being the best!

FAC, for the funding Ryan Cotter, for solving our scavenger hunt The “Whore for Scavenger hunts,” for solving our scavenger hunt My semester-long cough, for the memories The Cafe Mac ice cream machine, for making everything ok The Trads, for smoking us in kickball HEICs, for ruining our life

Founders : Mikey Freedman ‘ 11 and Danny Rocklin ‘ 11 characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.

Follow us on instagram and twitter: @hegemonocle email: Hegemonocle@Macalester.edu

Dear readers, We write to you with great pride from our swimming pools of gold coins and glasses of gold-flaked champagne. Why all the luxury and riches you ask? Well your friendly neighborhood satire magazine has been acquired by The Walt Dinsey Corporation®! As such, we are thrilled to bring you our second edition of the school year, HEGEMONOCLE: INTO THE HEGE-VERSE! This thrilling act of anti-competitive behavior allows us to integrate all of our intellectual property into the franchises you know and love.

Movie-goers will soon see Hege the Hedgehog go toe-to-toe with Thor, cross light-sabers with Baby Yoda, pig out with Homer Simpson, get primal with the lions on NatGeo, and swoon with the Dinsey Princesses.

For a low-low fee of $15/month, you can access the Hegemonocle with a premium DINSEY+ account. The sky’s the limit - soon, you might even see a hedgehog getting a gatorade bath on ESPN! Our staff worked incredibly hard on this issue, so we hope you take time to appreciate their work. To show their appreciation, the kind Board of Directors at Dinsey is awarding each Hege writer five dollars worth of Dinsey stock, half-price parking at Dinsey world, and an officially licensed pair of Michael Mouse ears! Dear god, we can’t hold it together any longer. Please send help ... They’ve taken our souls.

They’re holding our family hostage. Please, release us from these shackles. They are censoring everythiYour editors in chief, Jared “Thank you corporate daddies” Jageler

Niko “Prequels are the best Star Wars films” Bjork

Page 1 • Dec. 10, 2021

NEWS

THE MAC WEEKLY

New Zero Waste initiative launched by admin

By ZOE ROOS SCHEUERMAN Staff Writer

After a series of emergency meetings, the college launched its new zero waste initiative, banning all clothing items from campus. This includes all Blundstones, fig leaves, and oversized, thrifted sweaters. The decision, which was met with every reaction from glee to disbelief and horror, was justified as a drastic, but necessary, measure. “We said zero waste by 2025,” said vice president Douglas DuChamp, explaining the administration’s choice. “At this point, we’re on track for zero waste by 2225. While this may be a hard transition, eliminating textile waste on campus will do wonders for our newly shoeless carbon footprint.”

In spite of some students’ hopes,

Mac Free Swap. Photo by Peter Parker‘22

the policy has not turned Shaw Field into a school-sponsored sex forest.

“Once everyone is naked, you just get desensitized,” said Aurora Smith ‘23. “When I look at my denuded professors, my loins don’t stir, quiver, or tremble whatsoever.”

However, other side effects abound.

Students have become familiar

with each other’s hygiene habits to an unprecedented extent. “I knew some of the people here were fucking nasty when I saw them leave the bathroom without washing their hands,” Alex Peterson ‘24 said, “but I didn’t need to see the skid marks on the chairs.” Theatre majors also became distraught when they realized that picturing the audience naked is not as helpful as it sounds. On a more positive note, Ben on Dupre 3 has made a killing off three-dollar genital piercings.

Unfortunately, infections from these piercings have overwhelmed the Hamre center, as have rugburns and medically significant thigh chafing. Students are, of course, still permitted to wear masks and cozy wool socks to protect themselves from COVID-19 and the Minnesota winter.

Pres. Rivera pretty sure new chem professor is just two eight-year olds in a lab coat I’ve had where the class average

By MORGAN NIVEN Staff Writer

On Monday, the Macalester community welcomed the newest member of the chemistry faculty, Professor Johnald J. Professorington.

However, Suzanne Rivera expressed doubt as to whether he was in fact an accredited professor, rather than just two eight-year olds in a lab coat engaged in wacky hi-jinks for the whole family. Rivera first began to doubt Professorington’s credentials when introduced to the new faculty member, “It was obviously two eight-year olds on each others shoulders. They had a fake mustache and beard on, for God’s sake. Has no one in HR seen a cartoon before?”

“Johnald gave an impressive interview, and his qualifications are unmatched,” said an unnamed HR source. “We didn’t have anyone else apply from the Chemistry School of Chemistry. Rivera needs to get off her high horse.”

is over 50%!” When asked for his thoughts on the matter, Professorington declined to comment, citing “important adult stuff to do, like driving a car and seeing boobs.”

Students taking Professorington’s class were unmoved by the accusations.

“Honestly? I don’t care either way.

[Professorington] is the best chem professor I’ve ever had. It’s the first chem class at Mac Johnald, just minding his own biznus. Photo by Amanda Huginkiss ‘25

8 RULES FOR THE SIGMA MALE By the Macalester Business Department Rule #1) Never sleep. Sleep is time that could be used working out or watching The Wolf Of Wall Street

Rule #2) Never help disgusting betas with their trivial issues. Audibly laugh at people who are struggling Rule #3) Maximize biological efficiency and resources by consuming your own piss and shit Rule #4) Take out the biggest threat in the room.

If that is you, take yourself out Rule #5) Only eat Burger Bar chicken for every meal. Chicken is both pure protein and Paleo Rule #6) Elon Musk Rule #7) Pursue No Nut November Dickless December No Nut Ever

Rule #8) If Rule #7 is neglected, give yourself a vasectomy. Your seed is a priceless resource that vexatious women will only steal. Do not allow them to stop your grindset. The buildup of testosterone will also grant you immeasurable might over all Betas

Observant students might remember the events of approximately 2 pm last Thursday, when the sky over campus seeped like an open wound and a chorus of screams tore the fabric of reality. For those who didn’t notice it at the time, it may be hard to believe, but all evidence suggests that Macalester was temporarily subsumed by a neighboring dimension, a world stained red with suffering and deeply hostile to all human life.

“I couldn’t say for sure that’s what happened,” student Josie Osbourne (class of ‘23) said uncertainly.

“The first thing I noticed was the teeth growing from every surface in the classroom. That got me listening to what the professor was saying again, but it sounded like he was just listing off the times of death for all my loved ones.” Other students in the class didn’t seem to think this was out of the ordinary, claiming it was the usual curriculum for the day. Professor Lansing declined our request for comment, though his email was signed “sent from my torture chamber.” Irony, or a holdover from the school’s dip into a formless void beyond imagining?

Our second source on the event is an impromptu on-site interview with a horrifying inverted creature calling itself Gnar-orxen (class of - ).

Drenched in both blood and what appeared to be the manifested nightmares of this reporter’s subconscious, Gnar-orxen informed us, “Seriously, our bad, guys. We pride ourselves on our work ethic and initiative while grinding all universes into a fine dust of agony, but if we’d known you already lived here, we would’ve stayed home.”

∞

In the words of the briefly sentient therapy dog Kevin, found lounging on a pile of sacrificed tongues, “there’s just no fun in it, desensitized as you all are to horror.

A student I allowed to pet me earlier should have been driven to madness by the Ten Forbidden Names, but when I spoke them aloud he merely muttered something about the five papers he had due tomorrow.

I’m not sure there’s anything left for us to do.”

With the dimensional anomaly withdrawn, many students are left reeling and searching for support. The students and staff of St. Thomas have formally offered thoughts and prayers at this time, though Macalester has stated a wellness day will not be offered. Some have voiced worries about the students who never noticed a change in their campus - if you are among that number, this reporter can only extend her condolences, and point out that the Rock appears to have been replaced with a massive tonsil.

From the Desk of Gustav Kuhnen *Gustav Kuhnen has been a contributing writer for five wet and wild weeks. He enjoys pull doors & putting the triangle shape in the triangle hole.

Holy Fuck: No-One Knew You Were High 12/2/2021

By Your Subconscious An independent poll conducted at the Macalester Campus Center yesterday evening confirmed that no-one, not a single soul, knew that you were off-a-bats-ass zooted for the entire duration of your meal.

From Cafe Mac counter staff, to that guy who monitors the card swipe, there were precisely zero people who became privy to the fact that you had been placed in an oven and baked at 420 degrees. I mean, think about it, who has the time to scrutinize every student they see to determine if they’re soaring high above in the cannasphere? No-one, that's who. Even as your mind ascended higher and higher towards the apex of smokedom, there’s no chance anyone had the slightest hint that you had become the physical embodiment of tv static, especially when you said you wanted the grille tenders three times in a row and sat waiting with your head tilted back and mouth agape for 10 minutes.

Even less conspicuous than that was the very normal and unassuming table etiquette you practiced while eating. Friends seated with you and passersby alike could not but be charmed by your advanced freestyling skills, the large majority of which was Eminem’s My Name Is with your name inserted in lieu of ‘Slim Shady’. Simply put: you’re a shinobi of the weeded arts, and if anyone noticed (not possible), they likely didn’t care, and if they did, that’s on them. For anyone who may have coincidentally looked in your general direction, it’s simply a statistical certainty that they saw someone of an utterly sound body, mind, and spirit. For you, however, hidden beneath that impenetrable facade of sobriety lay a brain so profoundly drunk off of dopamine abuse that you had solved the Israel-Palestine crisis six different ways in the past 30 minutes. Oh, and remember when mom called you? She didn’t know either. Nope. Not a chance. She loves that story about you ditching class to watch The Boondocks, that’s why you made sure to repeat the entire thing after you had finished. Now head back to your dorm, walk past the RA’s room mentally repeating that there’s simply no way they could smell the Purple Oklahoma Sticky Icky chemically bonded to your hoodie, and drift peacefully to sleep, knowing with conviction that you remained undetectable in your stonedness.

Subject: Prankster Hoping To Make Indelible Mark On Campus Really Just Worst Part of Janitor’s Day Hoping to be described by peers as “tricksome” and “puckish”, sophomore George Adley’s attempts to be immortalized in Macalester lore by lining Old Main’s halls with hundreds of cups of water are projected to only be remembered as a bothersome footnote in custodian Mark Shifton’s morning shift, sources indicated. The prank was initiated at 8 a.m. Wednesday, when Adley and accomplices meticulously engaged in an activity whose conversational half-life didn’t even last until sunset. Said Shifton, “Huh? Ah, yeah, Friday I think it was, some wiseass decided to make my morning just that much worse.”, in a tone that can only be described as indifferent. Those close to Adley stated that the event didn’t have the colossally transformative effect he desired. “Not really a friend, more of an acquaintance really. Anyway, he was talking about being ‘the high king regent of hijinx’ but I think it got disassembled within, like, the hour”, said William Lowell, a classmate of Adley’s. By 10:30 that day, students had already resumed going to classes in the building with zero chance of retaining any memories, neither fond nor irksome, of the pathetic attempt by the would-be jester. Quickly apprehended, Adley behaved during his hearing as though he were a martyr of the student body, and not just a complete but inconsequential nuisance for staff, faculty, and fellow students. “I may be in shackles, but my soul is free. History will exonerate me!” said Adley, before being informed he would be placed on probation for the remainder of the semester. Tentative and cliche plans to bring two pigs, one painted with the number 1, and another with 3 into the Campus Center have been announced, though fell on absent ears. After the hearing, students outside Weyerhaeuser Hall later saw, and quickly forgot, Adley attempting a triumphant John Bender-Breakfast Club-style walk down the Great Lawn, blissfully unaware of the comically miniscule scale any of his actions have had on a single person on Earth.

Funny Pages

Dog

anti-therapy By Taylor Sibthorp

Presenting the NEW alternative therapy program for students who don’t want to lied to about their inherent worth...

The Hegemonocle Presents: Stolen From the Archives

A New Mission Begins...

But we can’t do it alone.

Join us from 9-10 PM on Thursdays in Campus Center room 206 submit ideas and pieces at hegemonocle@macalester.edu @Hegemonocle on Twitter and Instagram

to be continued...

COSMOSPOLITAN "WHO NEEDS SUPER POWERS? MY HOUR GLASS FIGURE IS A REGISTERED WEAPON."

WIN: makeup that won't smudge when you break a sexy sweat saving the world

utual A M s I t id?

Wha Looking for a way to get involved following the sit-in?

This is a good place to start.

Mutual Aid is a form of cooperation and reallocation for the overall sake of students and our well-being. We, as students of Macalester, need to come together to meet each other's basic needs with a shared understanding that the systems we live under are not going to meet these needs. But, we can do that together based on mutual respect, opportunities and resources.

Who Is The Fund For?

How to Contribute & Why?

This fund will give priority to BIPOC folks, international students, and disabled folks, but is open to any Mac students to request funds from

Contributing to our fund allows BIPOC student leaders to allocate funds to the areas of greatest need.

Examples for fund requests may include medical bills, transportation, food, family needs, fundraisers, and any other unmet financial needs.

Our most recent effort was a Thanksgiving food drop and open dinner for BIPOC and lowincome students in the Twin Cities.

Learn More: @mutualaidatmac

VENMO: @ajpapakee

How To Access the Form to Request Funds All resources, including the request form, financial transparency document, and involvement interest form are available in our LinkTree: linktr.ee/mutualaidatmac