A Tale of Two Hearths

A SHORT STORY

a tale of two hearths

BY KATHRYN LUKAS-DAMER

laura’s day

When the alarm goes off at 6AM, Laura resists the urge to hit the snooze button. Although she’s grateful for the 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep, she feels like she could sleep for another 6 days.

The next 30 minutes are all hers to spend as she wishes. Today she’ll do her cardio work out on the stationary bike which will allow just enough time to review her notes and prepare mentally for today’s meeting at 10AM. The kids’ alarms start clamoring at 6:45 and by the time they’ve rolled out of bed, she’s showered and ready to usher them into their day.

Some days she feels more like a drill sergeant than a mom, admonishing them for not getting out of bed and dressed in time for their instant oatmeal. Coffee is all she has time for this morningshe’d hoped to get their lunches packed last night but sleep beckoned – skipping breakfast this morning was worth the extra 30 minutes of sleep last night. Her husband David helps on the days he can but his hour-long commute into the city means that most days he’s out the door before the rest of the family has risen. By 8AM, all members of the family are at their desks – learning and earning.

She dared not look too closely at her net income at the end of each year – she suspected the number might reveal some truths better left in the dark.

Laura’s investment in a college degree has netted her a job that earns $52K per year. If she had decided to forgo a family, she’d be earning twice that, but she and her husband were committed to raising a family together and the sacrifice seemed worthwhile – most days.

She dared not look too closely at her net income at the end of each year – she suspected the number might reveal some truths better left in the dark.

Laura’s hunch was right, the numbers were indeed depressing. If she had decided to look a little closer she would have discovered that after paying 32% in taxes, she had around $35K left, $15K of which was spent on daycare, leaving her with a net of $20K. Her student loans ate another $6K a year and because she and her husband were often too exhausted to cook, eating out 2-3 times a week and buying prepared foods, cost another $5k a year. Her true net take was around $9K a year. If something ever happened to her husband’s salary, which went towards housing and health care costs, her $9K wouldn’t even begin to cover her family’s living costs.

Laura’s 10-year-old daughter Megan, had started to pull away from the family recently for no apparent reason. What Laura didn’t know was that the extra weight Megan had gained recently had made PE unbearable as she struggled to keep up with her friends. The teasing and taunting were confusing and hurtful but she didn’t know how to talk about it with her mom who seemed to be exhausted and so busy all the time. Megan would eventually develop an eating disorder in order to fit in with her friends and need therapy in order to regain a healthy relationship with foods.

Laura’s son Sam, who just turned 7 also seemed distracted and distant, and his grades were slipping. During the last parent teacher conference, Mrs. Jones mentioned that he was having difficulty focusing. They had given into his insistent pleas over Christmas for the Xbox and she now wondered if its presence in their home had anything to do with the change they were witnessing in their son.

Her phone lit up. It was the Joe in marketing asking for her slides which still weren’t ready-damn. She promised herself she would talk to her husband about the Xbox when she got home.

Laura rushed out of the meeting hoping she could get a jump on the traffic so that for once this week she would be on time to pick up the kids at daycare. The owner had been cool enough last week but politely reminded her that if she needed extra hours, she would need to start paying for them. She had narrowly missed her bonus this past quarter, and money would be tight for a while so getting there on time was important.

She pressed her foot on the gas and hoped for the best. Cooking tonight was out of the question and even though she knew it wasn’t ideal, she let the kids talk her into pizza. At least the place had a salad bar she reasoned. Laura didn’t especially love cooking, but she did like to make a family meal on the weekend when she had sufficient time. She especially enjoyed wandering the farmers market with the family and cooking with the seasonal produce she found there but lately she just didn’t feel up to it. She was often fatigued and when her joints started aching, her doctor had referred her to a specialist.

He urged her to lose weight but despite her best efforts, the weight just wouldn’t come off. The doctor would have to wait until next quarter when hopefully she’d hit her bonus and she could pay the deductible on the tests.

As much as Laura loved her family, the grind had become too much. This certainly wasn’t the life she and her husband David had imagined when they discussed starting a family 11 years ago. But what to do? She’d thought of quitting her job but couldn’t fathom how they might get by on one income. She often wondered how Olivia and John across the street managed on just one income.

Maybe it was time to ask.

there must be a better way...

meet rebecca Like Laura, Rebecca had also chosen to work outside of the home, but her life was dramatically different. Her degree in biology, and her passion and skill for writing had led to a role as editor of an influential science journal where she earned a better income than Laura but that wasn’t what differentiated their lives. She had formed a close partnership with Olivia, an exceptionally skilled Householder who was helping her raise her children. Rebecca’s daughter, Emma, was the first of her generation to witness women making a living both inside and outside of the home and to understand how essential both roles were in shaping the world she lived in.

While Laura and Rebecca thrived in the market economy in the public sphere, Olivia loved everything about the home and the domestic sphere. Because she loved kids, Olivia had majored in early childhood education and at one point had strongly considered pursuing a teachers credential- but she couldn't imagine raising a family while working the long hours required for a teaching career. She and her then boyfriend John knew they wanted kids early but they also realized the lifestyle they envisioned for themselves would be hard to pull off on one income. When they discovered that their local Neighbor to Neighbor Network was offering a stipend and small business loans to new Householders who were willing to provide goods and or services to the network, she knew what she had to do. Right after college, she and John married and she went to work building her career as a full time Householder.

A TALE OF TWO HEARTHS

meet olivia Oliva relied on other Householder in the community for a variety of things she needed to keep her home running smoothly. Once a week she picked up a Hearth Box full of goods made by her neighbors. Crusty sourdough bread, healthy muffins, cookies, jams, and honey, fresh kombucha, sauerkraut and kimchi, jerky from humanely raised animals, a wide selection of produce and even plant starts for her own garden. Once every couple of months she restocked her laundry and bathing supplies and tinctures all made by the local herbalist. She bought goat milk for her weekly batch of yogurt from Tom, a householder who traded in his suit to raise his three children and grow food for the community.

Within their NTN Network, Olivia could procure nearly everything she needed for daily life and everything else she purchased through their buying club, which leveraged multiple Networks’ buying power for discounts on consumer products like electronics and clothes and even health insurance for the families that needed it.

Her longtime friend Melissa, who managed the club, made 5% on all purchases which allowed her to stay home full time. She was passionate and knowledgeable about vetting companies to make sure they met the values the community had established, and her monthly newsletter on goods and services was reliably thoughtful and humorous.

She now split her time between caring for her child and Rebecca’s two children and couldn’t imagine a more fulfilling life. She’d always had a knack for design and sewing and had also recently started making children’s clothes and selling them through her local network and online through Etsy.

the Neighbor to Neighbor Network in action Olivia relied on other full and part time Householders in the community for a variety of things she needed to keep her home running smoothly. Once a week she picked up a Hearth Box full of goods made by her neighbors. Crusty sourdough bread, healthy muffins, cookies, jams, and honey, fresh kombucha, sauerkraut and kimchi, jerky from humanely raised animals, a wide selection of produce and even plant starts for her own garden. Once every couple of months she restocked her laundry and bathing supplies and tinctures all made by the local herbalist. She bought goat milk for her weekly batch of yogurt from Tom, a householder who traded in his suit to raise his three children and grow food for the community.

Within their NTN Network, Olivia could procure nearly everything she needed for daily life and everything else she purchased through their buying club, which leveraged multiple NTNN’s buying power for discounts on consumer products like electronics and clothes and even health insurance for the families that needed it. Her longtime friend Melissa, who managed the club, made 5% on all purchases which allowed her to stay home full time. She was passionate and knowledgeable about vetting companies to make sure they met the values the community had established, and her monthly newsletter on goods and services was reliably thoughtful and humorous.

the sage elders Olivia trusted the NTN Network Sage Elder group for advice on everything from managing her Householder business to helping her navigate her daughter’s volatile teenage years. They were now 10 elders who had each attended a 6-month evidence-based psychology program and offered low cost or free advice to anyone feeling down, confused or just in need of good listen. Within a couple of years of starting the group conflict was noticeably down and many members reported a feeling of improvement in community communication. Everyone could see and feel the pride the Elders felt in supporting their NTN Network with their knowledge and patient wisdom.

Olivia earned a decent living doing what she loved. Between childcare, meal prep for Rebecca’s family and her clothing business, she worked an average of 40 hours a week and like Laura, earned around $52K a year. But there were some big differences. Olivia chose her schedule, and her 40 hours included managing her home and caring for her children. She had no childcare costs except for the occasional date night out, no maid service, no time or money spent commuting and perhaps most important to Olivia, she was her own boss. She was proud of her work, knowing that it supported the health of her community.

And the numbers worked. As a sole proprietor, she paid about 15% in taxes. Overall, her net was about $44,200 annually and because her family lived simply and her husband earned enough money to cover most of their housing and insurance expenses, they were able to put $30K annually into savings and investments like the microloan program for Householders. After 10 years, she now had over $300K in reserves and by time her children were ready for college, she would have plenty to help them pursue education, travel and the setting up their own households. In a worst-case scenario, Olivia could use the money to supplement her income should something happen to her husband John.

Rebecca, unlike Laura, loved her job and by partnering with Olivia, had found a work-life balance that had eluded her family before joining the NTN Network. When she or her husband picked up their children and their family dog, often four homemade meals that her kids had proudly helped to make, accompanied them home. The extra cost was reasonable and well worth the time it saved Rebecca. Olivia’s skill and knowledge of how to create a healthy home environment were a large part of why their children were thriving- and they could no longer imagine a life without her.

Olivia saw Laura making her way across the street, looking haggard and defeated. Many families had started forming their own NTN Networks in recent years and Olivia knew it was just a matter of time before Laura would join theirs. She was a great mom and Olivia knew she wanted to be home with her kids. She was also an excellent cook – perhaps the community could help Laura learn how to set up a home run restaurant so she could finally get off the treadmill and start using her valuable time and energy to nourish her family and her community.

Kathryn Lukas-Damer April 2023 Boulder Creek, California

about KATHRYN LUKAS-DAMER

In my four-decade journey in the food industry as a chef, restaurant owner, food company founder, cookbook author and TEDx-er, I’ve always been drawn to traditional foods and women’s roles in our culinary history.

In my earliest days as a chef and traveler, I remember venturing to off-thebeaten-path locales, eager to learn the age-old recipes and techniques passed down through generations. More often than not, it was the grandmothers, mothers, and daughters who were the custodians of these culinary treasures.

Their kitchens, humming with activity, were schools of invaluable knowledge.

And it wasn't just about the recipes. Each dish came with a story, a history interwoven with tales of family, love, hardship, and celebration.

In 2016 while doing research for another project, I started to notice a disturbing trend: as cultures modernized and women moved from these traditionally domestic spheres into the market economy, the knowledge wisdom, expertise they had once been revered for, seemed to lose its' social status. Both the soft skills and the practical knowledge that nourish and propel humanity and ensure our species survival have in the last 100 years largely been relegated to the lowest rungs of our societal hierarchies in the developed West. How did this happen?

Finding an answer to this question became an obsession. As I ventured deeper into our historical record, a compelling story began to unfold that not only shed light on our present predicament, but also hinted at paths towards possible solutions.

And then I met Erin, a young woman on the verge of motherhood who was thinking about many of the same topics but through a different lens. Her insights have not only enhanced my own understanding of the issues women of her generation face but continue to shape our collaborative efforts at our nonprofit, Hearth Matters.