P E A R L Chain
Rowan stared at the pearl necklace around her neck. It was once her prized possession, after her wedding ring of course. But that was over two years ago. When Rowan’s husband gave her the pearl necklace, they were 18, it’s how he proposed to her. She loved the smooth beads in her fingers when she rubbed them back and forth. She was in love with him.
Their wedding day was the third happiest day of her life. It took place at dawn. The new morning light painted the white and red flowers with a dreamy haze. Rowan was in a dream of fairy light, magic, happiness, and love. She married her high school sweetheart when the sun had only just started to reach across the land, touching every crevice, lighting them up with its warm glow. Rowan and her husband had quickly made haste in their new marriage and within the next full moon Rowan had become pregnant. Never had two people more in love been so happy. Finally, they would have a family of their own, just like their ancestors had done before. Rowan shook her head. She had been so ignorant to think he would satisfy her. To think a baby would make them happy, all the child did was hurt them even more. But maybe in a way the child had also freed them. The child had freed two people who were not meant to be. She walked to the dresser where the blue crocheted blanket was resting. She did not know how long it had been since she touched the soft fabric; and allowed the smell of laughter and light to fill her nose. Rowan took it from the dresser and a memory of her daughter surfaced. Anastasia, with her beautiful brown eyes, flushed pink cheeks, and her pale skin. The same pale skin Rowan has. Anastasia had been a copy of both her parents. Her mouth from her father and her eyes from her mother. Anastasia had known more love in her short life than most had in a lifetime. Rowan had stopped crying for Anastasia four months ago. She could still remember the second her heart stopped, could still hear the last rattling breath in her baby’s lungs. Anastasia was only four hours old when she was taken from Rowan. Rowan had wanted to scream. She would never see her daughter again. Feel her weight in her hands. Watch as she learned to smile, laugh, and walk. Rowan dropped the blue blanket, and the silver rattle jingled as it hit her wallet in her bag. She sighed, the rattle laughed at her and cheered her on into leaving. Her husband would not look for the blanket nor the rattle, so she took them. Besides he would not want a reminder of her nor Anastasia. He would not remember them soon anyway. He had found a new love. Rowan sighed; “Why I am not jealous? He fell in love
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with Elise. He left me for her?” She knew deep down why she wasn’t jealous. Rowan had fallen out of love with her husband even before Anastasia was born. So, when he started to spend more time away from her without an explanation, she knew. She knew he had moved on. It had given her space to breathe. Finally, she could breathe again. At the same time all the air was getting squeezed from her lungs. Rowan could not escape the heavy chain around her neck. It dragged her down, down, down refusing to let up. When he gave her the collar, it was easy to breathe until she saw them. Young women, her age, laughed together at a café about nothing at all. Whenever Rowan laughed with her husband it was always forced. Never had she laughed as the young women did. She wanted what they had. The chain started to suffocate her. Rowan wanted freedom. The freedom that would never be granted. Until tonight. Tonight, Rowan would be free. Rowan looked around the shared room, which had been the same room where Rowan and her husband had given each other everything. She remembered how last April; two months after her daughter was taken from her, she had gone out. It was new moon. No moonlight had guided her path through the park. Her husband would have frowned upon going for a walk at midnight; but Rowan could not be bothered. She needed out of the house. She had looked up at the sky. The black abyss with tiny stars begged to be seen. Fighting their way to be seen. When she turned her head, she saw them. They were so confident sitting there all by themselves, looking at the sky. Rowan went over to them and asked why they were so fascinated with the sky. They responded, “It is because I love not knowing, I don’t know what is out there. And that is okay with me.” She stared at the stranger. A strange feeling filled her heart and for the first time since Anastasia, Rowan felt free with them. She and the stranger talked until the sun started to peak through the sky. When they said goodbye, she knew. She knew this was what love was supposed to feel like. From the moment she knew it was love, Rowan saw them everywhere. While she was polishing the silverware, folding clothes, and when she looked into her husband’s eyes. She felt their hands instead of her husband’s when he touched her for the last time. Rowan could not help herself by wishing it was them touching her instead. The stranger that had become her best friend was now changing into something more.
R E T R O S P EC T P U B L I C AT I O N O F H AT H AWAY B R OW N S C H O O L
EVELYN BURDSALL '22
Rowan met them every day at midnight, and they talked till the sun just stared to peak out. The more time they spent together, the harder and faster Rowan fell. The morning Rowan decided to leave her husband was when she met her mother. She always met her mother the second of every other month for lunch. The traditional Sunday lunch was chicken, rice, with black beans. For dessert her mother always baked a fresh angel food cake with chocolate and strawberries. Lunch with her mother was always tense. Ever since her father died two weeks before Anastasia, was born there was tension between Rowan and her mother. It only got worse after Anastasia’s death. The two of them did not know how to interact with the other. One had the perfect American family of three kids, while the other had lost her only daughter only hours after her birth. One was still in love with her dead husband, while the other had fallen out of love with her living husband. They were mother and daughter. Sun and the moon. Both loved each other dearly but the mother always overshadowed her daughter. Rowan rolled her shoulders back as she entered her childhood home. Without her father, the house always felt empty, even with her two brothers and mother in the home. This was going to be a long lunch. Her brother William greeted her, “Hi Little Sister!” “Hi William!” “It’s been far too long.” “Yes, it has been too long. I’ve missed you!” “As have I. Now come, Mother will not be happy if you enter the kitchen late.” Rowan ’s eyes rolled as she took a step into the home. She took a deep breath. It smelled as if the pine trees from behind their house had come into their living room. A living room that was stuffed full of books. “Is Alexander here yet?” “Yes, the golden child is already here.” William’s knuckles turned white as he shut the door. It was no secret out of the three of them Alexander was their mother’s favorite. He was also the youngest and could do no wrong in their mother’s eyes. Rowan felt for her older brother because he tried so hard to get their mother’s approval, but the approval never happened. “As is the new girlfriend.” “Oh no!” Rowan laughed, “How long do you think this one with last?” “With Alexander, six months.” “That’s three more months than last time!” The two siblings walked in the kitchen laughing
