The Pulse - April Fools Edition

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EHT ESLUP | APRIL FOOLS’ ISSUE

“SISTERS BY CHANCE, FRIENDS BY CHOICE”

On March 30, 2024, an anonymous source drove all the way to the Holmes-Seymour residence to deliver a life-changing DNA test. The contents of this envelope revealed information that would forever change the lives of both Ms Falcon and Ms Tantillo With little similitude that ties these well-respected educators together, readers will be shocked to learn the real truth – Jessica Falcon and Nicole Tantillo are long lost sisters!

As a ninth grader, I was still acclimating myself to the Harvey community. Even after I familiarized myself with the campus and administration, I continued to make the same mistake for most of the year. To me, Ms. Falcon and Ms. Tantillo looked identical, even when no one else could see it. This new account finally explains why

In addition to DNA tests, the envelope was composed of two birth certificates. Jessica and Nicole Gobbledygook were both born in Toad Suck, Arkansas. With a three-year age gap, these sisters spent the better part of a decade living in this quaint town

By Logan Kreisberg

Until one day, the lives of the Gobbledygook clan were turned upside down. Following a prodigious divorce between Jessica and Nicole’s parents, the sisters were separated and forced to move to opposite sides of the country. Their surnames might have changed, but their bond remained strong.

When Ms. Falcon and Ms. Tantillo first arrived at The Harvey School, they immediately became fast friends Outside of school, Falcon and Tantillo can be found trimming their bobs at the local hair salon or enjoying Arkansawyeran food in Katonah

Last night, Falcon and Tantillo were called into Mr Lazzaro’s office, where the news was revealed to them. According to Ms Falcon, “Tears flooded down our faces while we shared an embrace. I can’t believe I finally found my sister again!”

Ms Tantillo, on the other hand, was still a little skeptical. While leaving the meeting, Tantillo yanked a strand of Falcon’s hair and brought it to the Chemistry Lab. There, she performed an additional DNA examination Ms Tantillo explained, “When I initially left the meeting, I was in shock I wasn’t even able to process the information until I conducted the test myself in the Harvey lab.”

When this article comes out, Ms Falcon and Ms Tantillo will have journeyed back to Toad Suck, Arkansas This retreat will allow them to explore their roots and strengthen their bond of sisterhood If you are a student in Falcon or Tantillo’s classes, The Pulse asks you to be mindful that Tantillo and Falcon will revert their surnames back to Gobbledygook once they return.

Keep calm and Gobbledygook on!

Taken and photoshopped by Logan Kreisberg. Image of Ms. Falcon (left) and Ms. Tantillo (right), the pair of Gobbledygook siblings basking in their sisterly love

Starting over Spring Break, Mr Lazzaro has been secretly planning to build his dream pool in the center of the quad Nobody was supposed to find out about this, but during a meeting with him, I could see his excitement. It was almost like he was bouncing off the walls, looking like he wanted to say something.

I asked why he wasn’t acting like himself. He was hesitant to tell me at first, but after a little bit of convincing, he cracked. He said, “Before I tell you this, you can’t say a word to anybody else. Once everybody leaves for Spring Break, I am going to build the greatest pool anyone has ever seen Multiple diving boards, a hot tub in the corner, even a beverage bar in the middle ”

EHT ESLUP

EHT ESLUP | APRIL FOOLS’ ISSUE

MR. LAZZARO

BUILDS A POOL IN THE QUAD

By Luke McCarthy

Obviously, Mr Lazzaro didn’t take into account that I was on the newspaper staff As he's going on and on about his little pool idea, I’m secretly writing down everything he’s saying in a little notebook.

He talks about how he can’t wait to spend his free slots tanning in the sun as he floats around the pool He also tells me how Mr Forde and Mr Lacen can’t wait to show off their diving skills to the whole school

Mr. Lazzaro talks about how he's going to have students bring him drinks and snacks whenever he asks. So, to stay clear of his demands, everybody who doesn’t miss House is safe But for each student who misses House, they will have to clock into a shift during their free slot

By Luke McCarthy

TABLE OF CONTENTS

I also overheard Mr Forde and Mr Lacen talking about how if any student-athletes skip practices or are caught skipping classes, they’re going to make them swim laps in the pool until their legs feel like pool noodles.

Also, if students are misbehaving in class, Mr. Forde will personally take them out of class and prepare them to perform synchronized swimming during Meeting Days.

Stay on the lookout for the incoming pool, and make sure to stay on top of your House attendance and definitely don’t misbehave in class!

Pool in the Quad Page 2, Luke McCarthy

$100 Word Search Page 3, Annissa Khanna

Teacher Skip Day Page 4, Brandon Levine

Arrive Later Page 5, Dylan Gueli

Olaf Gorski: Exposed Page 6, Ellie Florin Underground Fight Club Page 7, Connor Harrington

To Pee, or Not to Pee Page 8, Olivia Barsky

THE PULSE STAFF

Editor-In-Chief & Layout annahK assinnA

Sports Editor ileuG nalyD

yskraB aivilO nirolF eillE notgnirraH nonnoC grebsierK nagoL yhtramC ekuL eniveL nodnarB gnaW ydnic

Faculty Advisor semloH ainigriV

Mr. Lazzaro floats around the pool on a cloudy day.

Page 9, Cindy Wang

French Fries for President

Sisters by Chance Page 1, Logan Kreisberg

WORDS WORDS

APRIL CAVALIER MORGAN SHEA

KATONAH BOOTH WALKER KRASNE

By Annissa Khanna

HOLMES CARTER MORRIS HARVEY

ARTS MENNEN FORTE DINING

EHT ESLUP

EHT ESLUP | APRIL FOOLS’ ISSUE

TEACHER SKIP DAY

On April 1, 2024, students were shocked to see that there were no teachers in sight on campus At 8:05 in the morning, as students were going to House, there were only three teachers on the campus

The only teachers on sight were Mr. Griffin, Mr. Ruble, and Mr. Lacen. Mr. Griffin told his students that he never checked his email from other teachers and didn't realize they wouldn't be here Also, Mr. Ruble said he just forgot, as he was up all night shoveling his driveway. On the other hand, Mr. Lacen was at school because there was an athletic game that he had to attend. These were the only teachers on campus

During the school day, all the students at The Harvey School were misbehaving, doing donuts in the gravel lot and even jumping in the pool. Even though it is early spring, students weren't afraid to take a swim, and when some of the students jumped, they realized it was ice and wasn’t water

By Brandon Levine

The Pulse wanted to find out what teachers did on their skip day According to reports, many teachers were up to ambitious activities, starting with Mr Johnson, who was taking a plane to Rome to try to excavate ancient Roman artifacts. This wasn’t planned. He spent his Harvey money to rent a private plane to take him to Italy. He was on a mission to find at least one ancient artifact in just this one day.

Mr. Zazzarino decided to host a pool party, but not at the new pool in the quad. Mr. Zazzarino rented out a country club and invited every teacher to this event; it was never found out how many actually showed up. There are rumors that no teachers showed up, and it was just Mr. Zazzarino partying by himself This was laughed upon by other teachers, but Zazzarino supposedly had a blast and invited friends from outside of school

While other teachers were having fun and enjoying their day off, Ms. Fisher decided to make this her last time at The Harvey School. Ms Fisher booked a plane to California and never came back. She decided to pursue her Hollywood career and take a chance at acting

Ms. Holmes went to Mohegan Sun to spend the day getting away from Harvey life She may have lost a little money at the casino, but at the end of the day, she was having a blast, so it didn't matter. Ms. Holmes also picked up a hobby in fishing and ended up spending a week at Mohegan Sun trying to catch a bigger fish each day.

While Ms Holmes was having the time of her life, Mr. Seymour ended up sleeping the entire day, never realizing that this was a teacher skip day There are rumors that Ms. Holmes turned off his alarm to make sure he didn't have time to enjoy the teacher skip day. Mr. Seymour certainly made up for the lost sleep, but he didn’t get to enjoy the one day off from school.

This day will never be forgotten by any teachers or students, as they all had a change in their daily schedules At the end of the day, The Pulse does not think we need another teacher skip day!

Where’s

Everyone At?

Taken by Owen Eysmontt

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EHT ESLUP |

APRIL FOOLS’ ISSUE

HIGH GRADES = ARRIVE LATER! LOW GRADES = ARRIVE EARLIER!

Fellow Harvey students, news is out that grades are more important than you think, and you better start putting in extra effort Administration made an announcement to motivate students to work even harder

The higher your grades are, the later you may come to school. The lower your grades are, the earlier you have to arrive at school. So, if any of your classes are in the C’s, you must arrive at 5 a m with Mr Lazzaro waiting for you at the door.

By Dylan Gueli

The B's group will allow you to arrive at 7:30 a.m. with Mr. Forde awaiting your entrance at the door, but not with that usual smile on his face. After you have one A, you get to arrive at 8:10 a.m. with no teacher waiting, letting you have some freedom.

Then, if you have multiple A’s, you may arrive at 10 a m , being a free person with no dress code or anything. So, you can be all snuggly and comfy walking around campus happily while the other students struggle and you laugh!

UPDATE: There was a riot in the quad with all of the students demanding this new policy be changed immediately.

All this drama has students all around the campus leaving their class to go outside and watch the commotion But to no surprise, all the students are filming this scene to post all over the internet in order to get famous. So, for now, school is closed.

ANOTHER UPDATE: Harvey is back to its normal schedule again.

Photo of students rioting outside with signs up

Photo courtesy 123RF

EHT ESLUP

EHT ESLUP | APRIL FOOLS’ ISSUE

OLAF GORSKI: EXPOSED!

Olaf Gorski, star Harvey School varsity basketball player, has officially been exposed. While there has been much speculation about his massive height of 6 feet, 11 inches since his arrival at Harvey last school year, during the game against Watkinson School, the truth was finally revealed

On April 1, during the second half of the heavily anticipated game, many spectators watched as Olaf jumped to dunk the ball when a rival player yanked off his signature trench coat, revealing who Olaf truly is. Under the trench coat stood two short men, stacked atop one another. The crowd descended into chaos.

By Ellie Florin

The two men, who we now know as Oh Gor and Laf Ski, are 3 feet,5 inches best friends from Poland. While they initially fled the gym when they were first outed, they have since agreed to a sit-down interview with the newspaper. The transcript was as follows:

The Pulse: What prompted you two to pose as the fictional Olaf Gorski?

Oh Gor: Well, to be honest, we didn’t particularly like it in Poland. Too cold.

Laf Ski: We had always wanted to come to America, but no school wanted two 3 foot, 5-inch Polish men They said we would draw too much attention.

Oh Gor: And when we reached out to Harvey, they said they wanted a very tall boy to improve their varsity basketball team

Laf Ski: And so, Olaf Gorski was born

Oh Gor: We found that when I stood on Laf’s shoulders, we were a whopping 6 feet 11 inches

Laf Ski: And when Harvey heard about that…well, we were in.

The Pulse: So, you embodied this character for a year and a half? Didn’t you ever think you would be caught?

Laf Ski: Honestly, no Americans haven’t proved to be too bright.

Oh Gor: I mean, we were a teenage boy who wore a trench coat even in the summer. And we were almost 7 feet tall. How did that make no one suspicious?

After much deliberation, Mr Lazzaro has decided to let Oh and Laf complete their senior years, but as separate students. The two remarked, after the decision, “No matter if we no longer have to stand on each other’s shoulders all the time, Olaf Gorski will live on!”

Photo by Andy Warhol

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EHT ESLUP | APRIL FOOLS’ ISSUE

UNDERGROUND HARVEY FIGHT CLUB EXPOSED

By Connor Harrington

A bare-knuckle brawling ring has recently been uncovered at The Harvey School. The fight club has remained hidden for the past two years yet has been exposed this past week by The Pulse

The original coordinator of the fight club was former Latin teacher Ms. Saraniti, but after her departure from Harvey, the fight club seemingly disbanded. It wasn’t until this year that the club would be reorganized by Ms Taylor

Interestingly, the club was reinstated during the first week back at school, causing The Pulse to speculate that a “higher up” may be orchestrating the club from the shadows.

After further investigation through interviews and attending various club meetings, it was revealed Ms Harris, the Dean of 9th and 10th grade, is the true coordinator.

The fight club meets in the Library after the after-school activities on Tuesdays Each meeting begins with Ms. Taylor welcoming new members and stating the rules of the club. The rules are simple: no eye gouging, biting, scratching, groin strikes, punching at the back of the head, and, most importantly, don’t talk about fight club. There are no weight classes. A fight is chosen by numbers drawn from a hat, and the two people with the same number fight A fight can also be chosen by a fighter calling out another, and it is important to note no fights can be turned down.

The two fighters enter the glass box (the sole reason why the box was built) with a referee while spectators circle around

The fights are similar to MMA, as fighters can punch, kick, throw knees, elbows, wrestle, and grapple The fights have no rounds and persist until one fighter has tapped out, forfeited, or when the match is called by the ref Most notably, Mr Lazzaro, Head of the Upper School, unwittingly called out Ms Harris He tapped out within the first minute.

Sources tell The Pulse that the fight club has yet to disband and continues to meet

Two teachers fight in the glass box

Photo Courtesy of John Rooney

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Harvey students and faculty come from all over the world and from varying backgrounds Each “cavalier” has their own unique identity, vastly different from the next So, what is the one thing that is shared among every member of the Harvey community? Every day, each one of us (hopefully) goes to the bathroom Whether to excrete yesterday’s lunch or to fix your hair in the mirror, we have all visited the Harvey bathrooms Harvey proudly boasts a plethora of restrooms, so next time you have to go, which one will you choose?

Let’s start with the basic Athletic Center bathrooms. While these toilets offer a close proximity to both the gym and the main corridor, they should be avoided at all costs during Slot 2 in the winter During this slot, Harvey Middle Schoolers play basketball in the gym and use the bathrooms to change These younger Harvey students tend to be a bit loud, and making one’s way to the sink becomes a perilous journey One may find themselves hopping over backpacks and tote bags and trying to find their way through the maze of bite-sized Harvey students just to get to the soap dispenser! Besides Slot 2, the Athletic Center bathroom is always a great option when nature calls.

EHT ESLUP |

APRIL FOOLS’ ISSUE

“TO PEE, OR NOT TO PEE, THAT IS THE QUESTION.”

By Olivia Barsky

The next lavatory we will be examining is the women’s restroom between the Dining Hall and the Study Hall In my professional opinion, this bathroom is the highest-ranking multi-stall restroom on campus Not only is there a nifty bench to drop off your bags and coats while you wee, but this bathroom also holds one of Harvey’s crown jewels: the full-length mirror. Anyone who has ever used this bathroom knows the allure of the only full-length mirror accessible to the average Harvey student. As if a siren call, this mirror beckons Harvey students to use this wonderful bathroom. If you have a class in the main corridor during Slot 2, this bathroom is a perfect alternative

The Middle School can be a scary place, but the bathroom in the science annex takes the cake for creepy The restroom is quite small and cramped and only has two stalls one of which is occupied by a ghost When I was just a wee Harvey eighth grader, I was warned by a teacher that this bathroom is haunted. I didn’t believe her at the time, but now I realize how wrong I was When the toilet in the first stall flushes, the second one does, too. Being in this bathroom always makes my skin crawl, and I expect Moaning Myrtle of Hogwarts to come floating out of the second stall any minute

If you are looking for a stunning single-stall toilet, Shea Cottage is the place to pee. These bathrooms are clean and roomy one will never feel cramped or crowded The (mostly) quiet nature of the cottage creates a lovely bathroom ambience, and the cracked windows bring in lots of fresh air. Unlike most Harvey bathrooms, you can actually see the floor of these ones because they aren’t covered with backpacks For those cavaliers who prefer more privacy and space in the bathroom, the cottage will be their new home.

Don’t let my wise advice go down the drain!

Harvey Bathroom Expert Olivia Barsky standing next to a beloved Harvey Bathroom

Photographed by a Harvey Bathroom Associate

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My cat French Fries is very suitable for being a president. She is an Asian cat, but her bloodline is American Shorthair, and her colors are black and white So, with some American roots, she can legally run for president of the United States

Because French Fries is a cat, she is likely to be popular amongst the government, and there may also be people supporting dogs, foxes, hedgehogs, snakes, and the like when they become president However, I support French Fries even more because she is a smart leader cat

Firstly, let's talk about the governance of the country. According to Mr Morse, under the influence of the federal system, the president cannot interfere with the laws of each state Each governor adopts different systems and laws, and there will always be conflicts and opinions among different rulers. So, the benefits of cats are evident As presidents, people may have burdens that they cannot let go of, leading to very serious negotiations.

EHT ESLUP | APRIL FOOLS’ ISSUE

FRENCH FRIES FOR PRESIDENT

By Cindy Wang

However, cats can use flexible persuasion For example, cats can summon other cats together to meow and rub their heads against the governor, which is cute I believe even the most indifferent person wouldn't get angry at a spoiled cat

And as a cat, it can personally eliminate pests for the people For example, when there are invasive species such as Asian carp, Asian tiger shrimp, tiger headed bees, etc. that are rampant and cannot be solved, cats can lead a cat team to set off. With agile French Fries and the ability to catch mice and play ballgames, it is no problem to become a front-line general Let the cute cat solve these problems!

The presidential campaign manifesto for French Fries: Meow Meow, Meow Meow Meow, Meow Meow Meow, Meow Meow Meow!

Another aspect is animal protection. Some countries do not have animal protection laws yet If a cat becomes the president, it may be possible to use it to prevent people from abusing animals, such as cats, dogs, pigeons, cows, and sheep. These cats, dogs, pigeons, cows, and sheep are friends of our president.

If people want to eat meat, they can, but the most important thing is to prohibit abuse, and in some countries, stealing someone else's pet to eat is not uncommon Some animals know that every pet owner knows that pets are their own children, and this kind of theft under the guise of eating meat is despicable.

In addition, there is the birth rate I have observed that the birth rates in various countries are very low, leading to a shortage of young labor force. However, President French Fries has brought new policies, and cute cats will become the labor force to work with family and friends The number of cats has filled the gap in birth rates. Of course, other animals can also have the right to work, which is an equal agreement among animals.

This is the advantage of French Fries becoming president We are determined to make every region in the world have as many cats as Turkey Please support French Fries to become president and build a better country together: Meow meow!

By Cindy Wang French Fries as New President