Happiful July 2020 by Happiful

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

Let your mind roam

JULY 2020 £4.00

More than a feeling Tune-in to your emotions & cultivate a positive mindset

Unearth the power of a good book, with the therapy that gets you reading

LAUGHTER THERAPY

PRACTISE SELF-LOVE FUN WAYS TO SOCIALISE (AT A DISTANCE)

greatest mental health books Feel empowered, heard, & inspired

Beyond the sea

Gaslighting

What to do if you find yourself the victim of this emotional abuse

Riding the wellbeing wave of 'blue mind' 07

9 772514

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Own your story What was your favourite book growing up? Or the pinacle moment when you felt completely swept away by a great story? Books have a special power – whether it’s pouring your heart out in a journal, escaping from reality with captivating fiction, or finally feeling understood when you see yourself in someone else’s words.

But we also want to celebrate the power that turning a new page can have on bringing you that clarity. That’s why we’re exploring the imaginative therapy that focuses on prescribing the perfect read at just the right time.

Reading has the potential to connect us not only with people throughout history, and from all around the world, but also with ourselves.

Michelle Obama wrote in her biography: “Your story is what you have, what you will always have. It is something to own.”

They say ‘the cover is not the book’, and it’s a sentiment that certainly rings true. When we find the courage to open up and look inside, we give ourselves permission to be authentically ‘us’. In this issue, we’re focused on helping you to truly understand yourself. From getting to the root of your emotions, to embracing the silence, and learning to love yourself.

We shouldn’t be afraid to start a new chapter, but know that all those moments that brought us here have helped shape us, too. And the rest, well that’s ours to write. Own it.

W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR

I | @happiful_magazine

Features 18 More than a feeling

We explore the psychological tool that can help us to track, understand, and even predict our emotions

31 The hypno glow

How can hypnotherapy help us to cultivate a positive mindset? We bring in the experts to learn more

44 Read all about it

From childhood classics to raw accounts of personal experiences, here's our top 20 greatest mental health books of all time

64 Identify gaslighting

Read one man's experience of the abuse tactic that thrives on self-doubt

71 Beyond skin deep

We take a closer look at the condition that causes people to pick their skin

The Uplift 8 In the news 13 The wellbeing wrap 15 What is bibliotherapy?

The right read at the right time can work wonders. So meet the therapist who 'prescribes' books to her clients

Culture 55 Booked up

Four good reads you won't want to miss

80 Jack Monroe

The food writer and campaigner on not shying away from difficult subjects

90 Quickfire: MH matters

84 Things to do in July

Life Stories

Lifestyle and Relationships

39 Rebecca: New courage

22 Discover your power

For years, anorexia controlled Rebecca's life. But with time, and close work with professionals, she's learned to live with hope and joy

51 Julia: A peaceful mind

Julia's undiagnosed OCD dominated her thoughts for years before understanding the condition helped her banish the fear

87 Suresh: Sourcing support As Suresh's daughter struggled with depression, suicidal ideation, and their sexuality, he learned a lesson on the power of unconditional love

24 Attune to the moon

Columnist Grace Victory explores how to harness lunar energy for our wellbeing

59 Annabel Karmel

The author pens a letter of love, loss and legacy to her daughter who died as a baby

67 Eating disorder myths We break down 10 misconceptions

77 Stay social

Five fun things to do with friends and family, remotely

Our team EDITORIAL

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Art Director Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator Emma Boast | Designer

COMMUNICATIONS

Alice Greedus PR Officer alice.greedus@happiful.com

CONTRIBUTORS

Rachel Miller, Claire Munnings, Teresa Marks, Fiona Thomas, Gemma Calvert, Andrew Pain, Sarah Young, Anna Gaunt, Eliza Nicholas, Rebecca Quinlan, Julia Harrison, S Suresh

SPECIAL THANKS

Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Lesley Lyle, Katerina Georgiou, Ella Berthoud, James Brannan, Charlie O'Brien, Sonal Shah, Nicola Menage, Amie Butler, Amber Guzman

Food & Drink

MANAGEMENT

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

42 Crystal clear

How food nourishes our skin health

56 Feeling peckish?

SUBSCRIPTIONS

Enjoy these quick, easy, nutritious snacks

For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

Wellness 28 The sound of silence

Could switching off the noise benefit our mental health?

36 Feeling blue?

We explore the theory that being near water can enhance our wellbeing

48 Tap into this

We try the treatment that treats anxiety by asking clients to tap points on their body

Happiful Hacks 26 Balance relationships 34 Have a laugh 62 Grow a sensory garden 74 Learn to love yourself 78 Work through panic attacks

CONTACT

Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY

Helping you find the help you need. Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

Expert Panel One undeniable truth is that finding the right help for each individual is a journey – what works for one of us will be different for someone else. But don't feel disheartened if you haven't found your path yet. Our Happiful family can help you on your way. Bringing together various arms of support, each of our sister sites focuses on a different method of nourishing your wellbeing – from counselling, to hypnotherapy, nutrition, coaching, and holistic therapy.

Rav's review A good story has the power and potential to change your life, touching on the very essence of being human and enabling growth from within. This month, we explore books and the wonderful impact they can have on our wellbeing. If you head over to page 15, you will be enlightened by bibliotherapy, the therapy that makes use of books to support people on their personal journey of development. Enjoying a book can be much more than a relaxing hobby – it can play a vital role in maintaining your mental health and supporting you towards happiness.

Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

LESLEY LYLE

KATERINA GEORGIOU

MSc NLP DipHE APHP MAPP

BA MA PG Dip Reg MBACP

Lesley is a hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner, and positive psychologist.

Katerina is an accredited counsellor and psychotherapist.

ELLA BERTHOUD

JAMES BRANNAN

BA (Hons) NLP

Ella is a bibliotherapist at The School of Life, helping clients with the power of books.

James is a hypnotherapist and NLP practitioner, with more than eight years' experience.

CHARLIE O'BRIEN

SONAL SHAH

BSc PG Dip Dip Hyp NLP EFT

BSc (hons)

Charlie is an EFT practitioner with an interest in anxiety and confidence.

Sonal is a nutritional therapist, health tutor, and director of Synergy Nutrition.

NICOLA MENAGE

GRAEME ORR

BA (Hons) D.Hyp THA

MBACP (Accred) Reg Ind

Nicola is a hypnotherapist specialising in mind performance coaching.

Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.

AMIE BUTLER

RACHEL COFFEY

DipION mBANT CNHC

BA MA NLP Mstr

Amie is a nutritional therapist supporting gut health and digestion.

Rachel is a life coach encouraging confidence and motivation.

RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Find help

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SANEline SANEline offers support and information from 4.30pm–10.30pm: 0300 304 7000 Mind Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk Switchboard Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt

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THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

Let your mind roam

JULY 2020 £4.00

More than a feeling Tune-in to your emotions & cultivate a positive mindset

Unearth the power of a good book, with the therapy that gets you reading

LAUGHTER THERAPY

PRACTISE SELF-LOVE FUN WAYS TO SOCIALISE (AT A DISTANCE)

greatest mental health books Feel empowered, heard, & inspired

Beyond the sea

Gaslighting

What to do if you find yourself the victim of this emotional abuse

Riding the wellbeing wave of 'blue mind' 07

9 772514

Cover illustration by Rosan Magar

373000

HAPPIFUL.COM

In the spotlight:

Our two-for-one tree commitment is made of two parts. Firstly, we source all our paper from FSC® certified sources. The FSC® label guarantees that the trees harvested are replaced, or allowed to regenerate naturally. Secondly, we will ensure an additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a suitable donation to a forestry charity. Happiful is a brand of Memiah Limited. The opinions, views and values expressed in Happiful are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values. Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only. We work hard to achieve the highest possible editorial standards, however if you would like to pass on your feedback or have a complaint about Happiful, please email us at feedback@ happiful.com. We do not accept liability for products and/or services offered by third parties. Memiah Limited is a private company limited by shares and registered in England and Wales with company number 05489185 and VAT number GB 920805837. Our registered office address is Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL.

Competitions and prize draws!

Visit happiful.com In light of the Covid-19 social-distancing guidelines, our July issue has been brought together from the Happiful team’s home-office set-ups. Overcoming the distraction of cute Happiful pets, the temptation of WFS (work from sofa), and the unique challenges of video conference calls, we’re proud to bring you our third issue created entirely remotely. For as long as we can, we will work tirelessly to continue to offer you the print edition of Happiful, but if anything changes, we will be in touch. For now, take care, stay safe, and enjoy the read.

Prices and benefits are correct at the time of printing. Offer expires 20 August 2020. For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com

ART

‘Doortraits’ capture snapshots of lockdown life

The Uplift

Through uncertain times, something that never fails is community spirit. And photographer Katie Kavanagh has captured just that, as she documents lockdown in her series of ‘doortraits’ – households on their doorsteps – shot across her hometown of Dublin. “I’ve always wanted to do something with the interesting doors on the street, and I thought now was the perfect time,” Katie tells Happiful. “With people being asked to stay home, I was aware that it will become a symbol of the Covid-19 battle, so I wanted to document that, too.” There’s a charitable element to Katie’s work, as money from her ‘doortraits’ is being donated to Purple House Cancer Support Centre – a life-changing service that offers free support to those affected by cancer, and which means a lot to Katie after her nephew passed away last year. Snapping households through the generations, and including everything from families-of-four to four-leggedfriends, the series gave Katie a unique insight into the power of community – something tenderly captured in her candid, cheerful photos. Reflecting on what she wants participants to take from the photos, Katie said: “If they get nothing more than a nice family photo I’ll be happy. If, in years to come, when they look back on it, and remember how people came together to stay home to keep the vulnerable safe, then my job is done.” Browse the series by following Katie on Instagram @katiekavphoto Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

FAMILY

Study lays family connections out on the table

RELATIONSHIPS

Cooking gets us hot under the collar Saucy study reveals food could be the key to our hearts If your idea of a steamy read is more Joy of Cooking than Fifty Shades of Grey, you’re not alone, as 86% of Americans find cooking a real turn-on, according to recent research from The Little Potato Company. And it’s not just about getting things cooking in the bedroom either, as two out of three respondents said that when it came to finding ‘the one’, a partner who can cook was a top priority. The ultimate dream, it appears, is to have home-cooked meals every night, with 43% of Americans saying they’d give up coffee if it meant they would be cooked for.

Angela Santiago, CEO and cofounder of The Little Potato Company, explains why cooking is such a common love language: “Cooking is truly an act of love and, even if you’re not an accomplished chef, you can still show people you care about them with a homecooked meal.” Ready to impress with your culinary skills? The study found steak and potatoes, pasta and garlic bread, and chicken and veggies, to be the top three most romantic meals, so get practising and, who knows, it could be love at first bite. Writing | Kat Nicholls

Making connections over the dinner table isn’t just for date nights, as a recent study of parents revealed that the average family dining table offers us a unique chance to feel closer. Over the course of the year, a dining table will play host to 468 jokes, 572 conversations, and 1,456 meals. We’ll share 72 special moments, and 57 disagreements, according to the research commissioned by McCain Foods. With half of all parents who took part reporting that it’s important to sit with their family at the end of each day, it’s no surprise that more than a quarter said the humble dining table is truly the heart of their home – playing host to important conversations, providing extra workspace, and creating a place to gather together, in bad times and in good. Mark Hodge, marketing director at McCain, said: “We know that eating around the table makes mealtimes special. Bringing families together at home couldn’t be more important, especially in the midst of the crisis we’re facing.” Nobody quite knows when things will ‘go back to normal’ – or what normal will even look like. But if nothing else, let’s continue to carve out a special moment to reconnect with those we hold most dear over the dining table. Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

July 2020 • happiful.com • 9

READING

Sales of bucket-list books boom There’s nothing like a good read to stave off boredom, and it looks like we’re all on the same page with that one, as booksellers saw sales soar by 35% this past spring. But what are people reading? Self-help books to guide us through the times? Biographies to inspire us to be the best version of ourselves? Sounds tempting, but adult non-fiction book sales have actually dropped by 13%, while UK book chain Waterstones saw a significant jump in the number of classic titles being sold. One Hundred Years of Solitude and Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez, Toni Morrison’s Beloved, F Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, and Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar are just some of the most popular titles flying into people’s online shopping carts at the moment, according to Waterstones, while Nielsen BookScan – the official book sales monitor – also noted a nationwide increase in the sale of War and Peace, The Lord of the Rings, and In Search of Lost Time. So what’s behind this sudden lust for literature? Well, it makes sense that we would want to escape to fantastical, fictional worlds, and with many of us now spending more time at home, it’s the perfect opportunity to cross some books off the bucket list – with Blackwell’s bookshop in Oxford creating an ‘I Always Meant to Read That’ reading group on Facebook, where followers discuss classics each week. It’s good news, considering books are a brilliant escape, not to mention the wellbeing benefits they offer (read more on p15). So, Crime and Punishment, anyone? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

July 2020 • happiful.com • 11

Take 5

How did you do? Search 'freebies' at shop.happifu l.com to find the an swers, and more!

Wordsmiths, assemble! It’s time to get those thinking caps on and treat your minds to a challenge, with this month’s puzzling picks

Wordsearch With our literary theme in mind, hunt down the 12 well-known authors in the grid below. Haig

Fitzgerald

Angelou

Dumas

Bronte

King

Austen

Lewis

Blackman

Lee

Dahl

Shelley

Word wheel Using the letters no more than once, make as many words of three or more letters as possible, always including the letter in the middle of the wheel. Want an extra challenge? Set yourself a time limit – three minutes, go! 5 = word wizard 10 = gaming guru 15+ = Shakespearean superstar

D E

P A

N B

The Plant-based bottles that biodegrade in one year pioneered in the Netherlands

Bees are thriving during lockdown as pollution levels fall across the UK

Icons | shutterstock.com, Font Awesome: fontawesome.com

Cadbury ends an age-old debate: chocolate should be stored in cupboards, not the fridge!

Scientists create reverse ‘solar panel’ that can make energy from shadows

Crying it out can actually make you feel better, by releasing oxytocin and endorphins

wellbeing wrap Play on

Whether you’re in need of activities to entertain kids, or you want to get in touch with your inner child, IKEA has just the thing. It’s put together a guide for building the six best blanket forts in the business. So what are you waiting for? Get those blankets and pillows at the ready!

In a win for diversity, Crayola is launching a new set of 24 crayons in July, which represent 40 different skintones. The ‘Colours of the World’ pack was created with MAC makeup’s chief chemist, with the aim to allow children from all around the world to accurately draw themselves.

WORK IT OUT

We may have been restricted on daily exercise for a while, but it seems we made the most of it! Nuffield Health discovered that exercise helped 75% of people in the UK cope mentally with lockdown– with 76% of Brits trying out a new form of exercise as well. And the best news: 81% of these newly active people plan to continue their exercise endeavors once restrictions are lifted.

ROB KENNEY, FROM CHICAGO, HAS BECOME AN INTERNET SENSATION AFTER STARTING HIS ‘HOW-TO’ YOUTUBE CHANNEL TO HELP KIDS WHO, LIKE HIM, GREW UP WITHOUT A FATHER TO TEACH THEM CERTAIN LIFE SKILLS, OR PRACTICAL ADVICE.

FREE WILLY?

More like free food! Warning: heartwarming moment of the day alert. With declining tourist numbers and a dolphinfeeding centre closed on the Cooloola Coast in Queensland, Australia, dolphin Mystique has taken to bringing ‘gifts’ such as barnacles and shells in exchange for food. The cheeky chap presents items on his nose up to 10 times a day!

Heads or tails?

How do you make big life decisions? Well, according to a study published by the Oxford University Press, taking the debate out of it could be for the best, because people who use the toss of a coin end up happier! So the good news is if you’re prone to ‘flipping out’, simply flip a coin instead. Thank

f***!

Though it’s not always encouraged, it turns out dropping a swear word in certain situations can actually be good. Cursing has been found to help with pain management, reducing stress, and can even help you get more from your workout. Hell yes.

It’s in the small stuff

What’s the first thing to bring a smile to your face each day? And how much do you take note of it? For a lot of us, it seems the current situation has changed our perspective, with 54% of people finding more joy in the everyday ‘little wins’ than ever before. The research by Barefoot Wine revealed that on average, Brits find three moments like this each week, and each one provides us with a ‘happy glow’ which can last up to 74 minutes! If you’re after one of these little wins yourself, 48% had one when finding money in an old pocket, 43% had it when waking up to sunshine, and 37% enjoyed one when snuggling up with fresh sheets. Time to get that laundry on.

“

Courage is found in unlikely places

– JRR TOLKIEN

Photography | Hello Rivival

14 • happiful.com • April 2020

What is

bibliotherapy? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Since time began, humans have found comfort in stories. They have the ability to guide us through life’s biggest challenges, and offer comfort and an escape when we need them most. Bibliotherapy is the practice that prescribes clients reading lists based on their needs and circumstances. But how does it work, and how can turning over a fresh page support our mental health? >>>

The very act of reading forces you to step aside from the chores for a while, and spend time with yourself

How did you feel when ‘the famous five’ discovered the map for Kirrin Castle? When Cathy’s ghostly arms broke through Heathcliff’s window panes? When Hagrid finally delivered the letter from Hogwarts – “You’re a wizard, Harry.” What book ignited your senses, and transported you to another place? Books have the power to unlock experiences that are usually beyond our reach. They teach us lessons, masterfully guide our emotional responses, and reflect our own realities back at us – so we don’t have to feel so alone. The right book at the right time can inspire us and make us feel seen. But why leave it to chance? That’s the philosophy behind bibliotherapy – a service where a therapist prescribes reading lists to clients, based on their needs and situations, in the hope of prompting them to unhitch the answers they’re looking for.

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“Susan Elderkin and I thought we had invented it when we first had the idea in 2008,” says bibliotherapist Ella Berthoud, as she reflects on where it all began. “We then discovered that people have been doing it since the time of Plato! But we were always passionate about giving people the right book at the right time for their circumstances, and had been practising on each other since we were at Cambridge together.” Ella and Susan continued to prescribe books to friends and family before eventually realising that it was something that they could do as a profession. “We bring the joy of books to people who may have become jaded from reading too much of the same kind of literature, or who have lost the habit of reading completely, or who needed some kind of literary boost that they did not know how to find – like a medical practitioner giving someone the right drug, realising that it is exactly what they need,” Ella explains. And research into the power of reading agrees. A study by

Dr David Lewis showed that reading for just six minutes a day can reduce stress levels by 60%, lowering your heart rate, easing muscle tension, and soothing your mind. In addition, reading before bed can help us fall asleep, and a report by The Reading Agency found that it also increases empathy and a sense of connectivity. But, from what Ella has seen over the years, the studies show just half of the story. “People seek bibliotherapy for all kinds of reasons, from feeling like they are stuck in a book rut, to having a real-life issue that they want to address,” she explains. “People come to us when they are bereaved, when they are about to go travelling, when they are about to retire, have their first child, are considering having an affair and don’t know what to do – all kinds of life situations.” And Ella tailors each session to her client’s unique needs with a simple process. The client fills out a questionnaire where Ella asks various questions about their reading, and the current events in their life. Once it’s returned, Ella books a face-to-face session –

either a video call or in-person – where she and the client talk for up to an hour about their answers. Following on from that, she then sends a prescription of six books to the client – a list of books, and the reasons why they have been chosen for them. “The very act of reading forces you to step aside from the chores for a while, and spend time with yourself,” says Ella, as she reflects on the specifics of how bibliotherapy supports her clients. “Being transported is very good for an overactive mind, and because reading a novel requires you to maintain focus for an extended period, it has a calming effect akin to meditation. And if you are reading a book that happens to speak to your situation, then even better.”

When I reflect on the books that shaped my own life I first think of Jacqueline Wilson’s The Suitcase Kid as I navigated the hurdles of divorce as a child, then Wuthering Heights for my teenage angst, and The Vegetarian by Han Kang as I made my way into the big, wide world. Ella points to Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins which she read in her youth, José Saramago’s Blindness the year before she got married, and The Heart and the Bottle – a children’s book by Oliver Jeffers – which she read after her mother died, and which helped her understand grief. Of course, no matter how powerful they can be, books are just one part of good mental health – and while the sum total of human experience is out there for us to learn from and find

LISTEN UP In 2016, a study by researchers at the Gallant Lab found that both reading, and listening to an audiobook, stimulate the same regions of the brain, to the same intensity. So if flicking through 500 pages isn’t your thing, or you want something you can listen to on-the-go, audiobooks are an accessible, captivating option, too. comfort in, when the time comes for professional help – be that counselling or support from a GP – it should be taken. Read for pleasure, or for the adventure, the thrill, and the romance. Read about characters overcoming adversity, thriving through it, or living alongside it in real and human ways. Cherish your book’s crisp pages and creaseless spines, or love them till they’re dogeared and worn. However you do it, and whatever you learn along the way, find joy in reading – wellbeing is an open book. Find out more about Ella’s work at ellaberthoud.com

It has a calming effect akin to meditation July 2020 • happiful.com • 17

Can you feel it?

Plutchik’s Wheel is the visual tool that’s believed to help us track, and even predict, our emotions. So why does it work, how can we use it, and what’s the psychology behind getting emotional? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

o you ever have days where you’re just… Off? You can’t quite put your finger on it, all you know is that when you woke up in the morning, something wasn’t quite right. People might notice and ask you if you’re OK, but you don’t know for sure so brush it off, and this mood continues to hang around like a cloud over your day. Sounds familiar? You wouldn’t be alone. Emotions are tricky things, and sometimes the only thing that we can muster is the vague assertion that we’re just not feeling ourselves. But it might not have to be that way. What if there was a tool that could help us track and identify what we’re feeling? Let us introduce you to Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions. WHAT IS THE WHEEL OF EMOTIONS? Developed by the psychologist Robert Plutchik in 1980, Plutchik’s Wheel is built on the fundamental understanding that there are eight basic emotions: joy, trust, fear, surprise, sadness, anticipation, anger, and disgust. To help us understand how our emotions

18 • happiful.com • July 2020

relate to, and can mould into, each other, Plutchik translated his thinking into a simple, colourful diagram. Take a look at the wheel. You can see that each emotion has an opposite – for example, joy and sadness, anticipation and surprise – and how emotions can evolve from one thing to another – like apprehension to distraction, serenity to acceptance. As you work your way into the centre of the circle, the emotions are more intense, such as annoyance to rage, illustrating how what we’re feeling can escalate, prompting us to identify the source. Of course, a lot has changed since the 80s (and we’re not just talking about big hair and punk rock). Psychologists have been debating emotion theories over the decades, with the most recent study – from the University of California, Berkeley, in 2017 – declaring that the new number of emotions is 27. That said, Plutchik’s wheel is still relevant today for encouraging us to understand how our emotions may interact with each other, and helping us to pinpoint what exactly that niggly feeling at the back of

our minds might be, and where it could have come from. MIXED FEELINGS So we’ve covered the basics, but if there’s one thing that we can all attest to, it’s that our feelings aren’t always straightforward.

ce an pt ce Ac

Joy

Interest Anticipation Aggr essiv enes s

Annoyance Anger

Lov e

m imis Opt

Serenity

Trust

Ecstasy

Vigilance

Admiration

Rage

Terror

Loathing

t mp e t n Co

Disgust Boredom

Grief

Pensiveness

Aw e

Surprise Distraction

l ova ppr Disa

Re mo rse

Fear Apprehension

Amazement

Sadness

It can be easy to want to get away from intense emotions, but consider that they’re actually on your side

sion s i m Sub

On the outer ring of the Plutchik wheel, you can see emotions without colours. These emotions are the ones that are caused by a combination of two others. For example, we may feel optimistic from a combination of interest, anticipation, or vigilance, and serenity, joy, or ecstasy.

PLUTCHIK’S WHEEL OF EMOTIONS

We might apply this to our real life by thinking about the things that have come together to make us feel a certain way. Take road rage – we might feel annoyed because of the bad driving from other cars, at the same time as we’re being vigilant and focused. The result? A surge of aggression. >>>

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Tips for recognising and communicating your emotions Katerina says: 1. Begin by tuning in to your body and seeing what data is there – are there any physical sensations, pains, experiences? Pay attention to what this might be telling you. 2. U se 'I' statements rather than 'you' statements when speaking to others – speak for yourself, not for them. For example: "I'm annoyed right now," as opposed to "You're annoying me." 3. S tick to the here and now, rather than generalising or going into the past. For example: "I feel really upset when I think about what my boss said to me on Friday," as opposed to "My boss is so irritating! They make me so angry."

The more that we tune-in to ourselves, the more that we are able to track our mood and our response to the things that occur in our everyday lives. But that’s the key – what we’re looking to do is identify our emotions, not subdue them. It’s a point that counsellor and psychotherapist Katerina Georgiou makes when considering how we should deal with intense emotions, such as those on the inner circle of the Wheel.

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“Stick with them. It can be easy to want to get away from intense emotions, but consider that they’re actually on your side trying to communicate something important to you,” she explains. “Feeling a feeling isn’t the same as acting on it and, paradoxically, if you allow the feeling in, it’s more likely to dissipate than if you try to block it out.” So often, we can fall into the trap of believing that our

negative emotions should be staved, or that they’re wrong. “Which isn’t true,” says Katerina. “It’s what you do with them that matters – and acknowledging them is more likely to lead you to a productive outcome.” LET IT OUT Of course, though there’s nothing wrong with negative emotions, once we’re able to identify what we’re feeling, and unearth its root, it’s important that we learn how

There is one topic on which each of us is the world's leading expert – and that subject is ourselves

to deal with them in healthy and productive ways. “I think we often polarise between cutting emotions off completely, and outpouring them to the point of rumination,” reflects Katerina. “This is, to some extent, a cultural issue. We live in a society – in the UK, anyway – where until recently, we’d been brought up with an idea that we shouldn’t complain, show

off, or indulge, and should count our blessings. Sometimes this can be helpful, but it becomes a chain when we’re in a situation that requires us to access our feelings and engage with them. But we can also go the other way – especially on the internet where there is a disinhibiting effect – and we can outpour emotions, which isn't necessarily the same thing as processing them.” As with most things, it’s all about balance. We need to be mindful of others, realising who the people in our lives are who are most likely to be supportive and understanding. But to put it simply, talking helps – really helps. In fact, a study of those who lived to be 100 years old – published in the US scientific journal Aging – found that the ability and willingness to express emotions was a common trait among those who had had long and healthy lives. It’s a result that speaks volumes and, while opening up isn’t always easy, even just admitting you’re not feeling

like your normal self could be the first step to a supportive environment. FEELING YOURSELF “Regardless of how much or how little education we have on various subjects, there is one topic on which each of us is the world’s leading expert – and that subject is ourselves,” writes Robert Plutchik, in his 1988 paper The Nature of Emotions: Clinical Implications. It’s an optimistic message, and something that is within the reach of all of us. But for the days when you don’t feel like the world’s leading expert in yourself, when you feel irritable or brash or lethargic, give yourself time to stop. Write down the things that are bothering you, grab a cuppa and call up a friend, meditate on what has happened to you that day, or reach out for professional help from a counsellor. Give yourself permission to feel, and embrace the full spectrum of human emotions that protects, guides, and propels us through life.

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Go the extra mile, it’s never crowded

– JAY SHETTY

Jay | Facebook @JayShettylW

UNLOCKING YOUR POTENTIAL Searching for inspiration? Look no further than Jay Shetty He’s the monk turned storyteller, with a vision of ‘making wisdom go viral’, and so far, he’s doing a pretty good job of it. He’s got more than 32 million followers, and 5 billion views of his videos encouraging people to find their passions, and live their purpose. As one of Forbes’ 30 Under 30, he’s made a big difference to millions of lives around the world. So if you’re in need of some motivation and inspiration, this ‘urban monk’ could help you discover your true path. Read: Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty (Thorsons, £16.99). Published 8 September 2020. In Jay’s debut book out later this year, he shares how, using the techniques he learned as a monk in the Vedic tradition, we can overcome the internal roadblocks and habits that stand in our way, to allow a clearer path to uncovering our true potential and power. With simple advice on how to nurture our relationships, improve focus, and reduce stress, Jay’s unique insight could make the world of difference to your life. Watch: ‘This isn’t love’ by Jay Shetty, available on YouTube. There’s a reason this video has more than 1.7 million views… At just three minutes long, Jay packs in a wealth of insight and advice to inspire us with the courage and confidence to create the lives we want – and how a life of meaning, purpose, and fulfillment takes time. Listen: ‘On Purpose’ by Jay Shetty (available on iTunes, and jayshetty.com) Tune-in to Jay’s podcast where he discusses everything from coping with change, to dealing with difficult emotions, and giving yourself permission to be you, featuring guests including Alicia Keys, Robin Sharma, and Gabrielle Bernstein. With new episodes every Monday and Friday, you can get your fix of insight and wisdom twice a week! Follow: Instagram @jayshetty

How to harness the moon’s energy...wit h G race

Columnist Grace Victory explores the nature of cyclic beings, how to connect with the lunar language, and how to make the most of this divine energy

’ve been fascinated by the moon for as long as I can remember. As a child, I would spend hours staring at it from my bedroom window, always feeling curious and connected to this enormous grey sphere in the sky. When I realised that the moon I was looking at was the same moon everyone else around the world could see, I couldn’t believe it. It was then that I realised how deeply united we are through nature. The moon’s enchantment has always been a part of me. Whenever I was sad, I would gaze and wonder what was out there. The universe made me feel small, but in the best way – like my problems would be OK, and that someone, somewhere, was looking out for me. In 2017, I experienced a great, big, amazing, but depressing, spiritual awakening, and I felt even more connected to the moon. Some nights, the moon would shine so brightly through my bedroom windows that it almost felt like she wanted me to speak to her. So I did. And that’s when I started to understand that the moon has its own energy. It was

a ‘she’, firstly. A divine, feminine energy that I could often feel inside me. I began to call her Mama Moon. She felt protective but nurturing, warm but stern, vast but simple. And I was curious to find out how I could utilise this connection to her. LUNAR CYCLES Most of us are aware of the full moon – it’s probably the most commercial part of moon energy, for many reasons. When the moon is at its fullest, most illuminating state, so are we – the moon can change the tides in the ocean, so we can’t be naive to her changing the tides within us, too. As humans, we navigate the world blindly. But if we slowed down, noticed the details, and paid attention to what is going on around us and within us, we would understand that we, too, are a part of nature. Much like those with wombs, the moon cycles through phases each month. We are bright and full at times, and other times we are hidden and dark. We’re incredible. And regardless of gender, everyone has a womb space – it’s the place

our profound intuition resides, below our navels, above our genitals. Astrologers, healers, and the spiritually connected teach that the full moon and the new moon energies are the most powerful, so here we’ll take a look at how you can get in tune with their energies. NEW MOON A new moon is considered the ‘dark phase’ of the moon, and yet the energies are a little lighter, and represent growth, expansion, and awareness – welcoming in the new, and rebirth. This is the optimal time to set intentions, and think deeply about what you would like to manifest and achieve. What are your goals? What areas of your life do you want to begin again? The new moon is the perfect time to draw a line under the last month, and start writing a new life-script. FULL MOON Two weeks after a new moon, light from the sun gathers and builds across the surface, until we see a complete, full, shining moon. It represents the culmination of our energies, helping us to put into

@GRACEFVICTORY

UPCOMING MOON PHASES IN THE UK: New moon - 21 June Full moon - 5 July New moon - 20 July Full moon - 3 August

The new moon is the perfect time to draw a line under the last month, and start writing a new life-script

fruition the intentions we set two weeks before. The full moon represents completion and letting go. After we utilise our full energies, what follows is called a waning moon (as the light decreases), and represents moving away from the things that are no longer serving us, and shows us the shadows and darkness that we are maybe avoiding, or struggling to process.

The full moon is often a deeply emotional time for many people, and can coincide with headaches and insomnia as we process these emotions. But I look at the full moon as a chance to see into my subconscious, and to move forward more positively, away from the things holding me back. The moon’s energy is potent and powerful, just like we are if we choose to believe it, and it

can be used as a way to connect more deeply with ourselves, and our feelings. Particularly during a full moon, you can try to harness that spiritual energy through journaling, meditating, or charging your crystals. Remember that there’s no right or wrong when it comes to the divine, so experiment and find whatever feels best for you. Nature ebbs and flows, and doesn’t worry about the outcome, because it trusts its journey. Be more like a tree, or a flower, or Mama Moon.

Love Grace x

The great balancing act: how to make time for family and friends Our connections with other people are truly joyful things, but balancing how we spend our time with each special person can be tricky. From dealing with jealousy to avoiding social burnout, how can we strike the fine balance between pals and partners? Writing | Rachel Miller

aving a partner you adore and a couple of very good friends is a wonderful thing. But sometimes, trying to divide your time and attention between everyone can lead to hurt feelings, jealousy, and stress – especially if you and your pal were superclose before you started dating someone. But by just being a little bit proactive, you can make sure all the people you care about feel tended to. Here’s how to ensure you show up for all the special people in your life. BE ESPECIALLY MINDFUL DURING THE ‘HONEYMOON PERIOD’ When you first get into a relationship, it’s easy to want to spend all your time with your new person, and all your time not spent with them talking about them. But the start of a new relationship is likely when your friends are going to be the most worried they’re not

going to see you anymore. So make sure you’re ready to talk about a few other topics, too. It’s not that your friends don’t want to hear about you and your partner, but communicating, “I’m still the same person and this friendship still matters to me” early on, will go a long way to ease any anxiety they have about losing you. SET UP DESIGNATED HANGOUTS WITH YOUR FRIENDS Pick a day and time that works well for both of you, put it on the calendar, and treat it as sacred. Standing hangouts are great because they give everyone something to look forward to, and allow you to avoid the endless back and forth of trying to find a day that works. When everyone has a lot going on, it’s all too easy to let a few weeks and then a month or two go by without catching up. But a regular hangout will hold you accountable, and ensure you stay in touch.

BE PRESENT WITH THE PERSON YOU’RE WITH Most of us don’t want to spend time with someone who keeps giggling at their phone or trailing off mid-sentence because they’re responding to messages. So don’t try to be everything to everyone all the time. When you do that, no one gets your full attention and you’ll just feel distracted and drained. So whether you’re watching a movie with your partner, or having coffee with your pal, put your phone away and give the person you’re with your full attention. DON’T TRY TO FAST-TRACK A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN YOUR PARTNER AND YOUR FRIENDS Intimacy and fondness aren’t transferable, and just because you love your partner, or would trust your best friend with your life, it’s best not to assume they feel the same way about each other. If a friend wants to talk to you about something, there’s a good

Don’t try to be everything to everyone all the time chance they’ll want to talk to you alone. So do your best to treat any group gatherings as a bonus, not a substitute for a one-on-one hangout. ACCEPT THAT BEING LESS AVAILABLE TO FRIENDS MIGHT STING It makes sense that as we get older, and get into more serious relationships, there will be a shift in our priorities. But even if your friends get it, they might still be pretty upset. If your pal is disappointed that you have less time and energy for them than you used to, that’s OK. Just like you’re allowed to change your schedule to accommodate your relationship, they are allowed to be a little hurt that you’re not as available. So be kind and patient, and don’t expect them to get over it immediately. MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF, TOO When you’re stressed about maintaining all your relationships, it’s often easy to find more time by cutting into your self-care routine. But we all need time to ourselves to do chores, cultivate hobbies, practise basic self-care, and just be alone with our thoughts. So if the friend-dates and date-dates are piling up, and you’re feeling burnt out, give yourself permission to say “no” to an invitation. Remember that you can’t be a good friend or a good partner if you never let yourself recharge.

‘The Art of Showing Up’ by Rachel Wilkerson Miller is out on 25 June 2020 (Orion Spring, £14.99).

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SILENCE IS GOLDEN With pinging mobiles, chattering podcasts, and thumping music taking over every element of our day, it’s no exaggeration to say that silence is a rarity in the modern world. But, could switching off from these sounds help us improve our physical and emotional health? We investigate… Writing | Claire Munnings

an you hear that? It’s the sound of constant noise. We’re bombarded 24/7 by sounds of some sort – whether it’s car engines on the roads beside us, people talking in the queue in front of us, or a radio blaring out in our kitchen. And we’re also choosing to fill our lives with sound, too. In fact, as an increasing number of us turn to audiobooks to ease our daily journeys, music to motivate us while we do the chores, and white noise to help us sleep, it seems many of us have simply forgotten how to enjoy silence.

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The World Health Organisation called noise pollution a ‘modern plague’ as long ago as 2011, and things have only got louder since then. So where has this obsession with sound come from? Joanna Nylund is a Finnish-based journalist, and the author of a new book called Silence: Harnessing the restorative power of silence in a noisy world. For her, quietness is becoming an increasingly depleted and endangered natural resource, while noise is becoming a habitual go-to for many. “Paradoxically, noise has become a way of tuning out the world,” she

explains. “It can certainly have a calming effect sometimes – if you’re choosing a podcast over the chatter of fellow commuters, for instance – but this isn’t always the case.” That’s because noise isn’t just used as a welcome distraction from intrusive sounds, but also as a diversion from our own feelings – whether we realise it or not. “Sitting in silence with just your thoughts to keep you company is a scary prospect for many, often because we know there are things in our lives we haven’t dealt with,” Joanna says. “Rather than stop to face

Noise isn’t just used as a welcome distraction from intrusive sounds, but also as a diversion from our own feelings – whether we realise it or not them, we instinctively choose to just keep distracting ourselves.” The fact that all these different sounds are available at our fingertips doesn’t help matters either. DROWNED OUT The problem is the impact this can have on our mental wellbeing. Dr Arroll, a psychologist who works for Healthspan and at a private practice on Harley Street, says that purposefully ignoring emotions such as shame, guilt, fear and sadness by using other forms of distraction can have a dramatic effect on our minds and bodies. “Constantly ignoring our feelings can have a negative impact on our health in the form of anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue, and emotional burnout,” she explains. “It is challenging to sit with some emotions, but in my view it is imperative that we do

so. It is only when we process uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, and experiences, that we can arrive at a sense of acceptance and move forward.” There’s more, too – research has found that the unnatural sounds filling the air around us can physically affect us in all sorts of ways. In fact, in 2011 the World Health Organisation calculated that at least one million healthy life-years are lost every year in western Europe countries as a result of traffic-related noise. “Noise stimulates the nervous system, which responds by raising our levels of stress hormone,” Joanna explains. “Constant noise means constantly raised stress hormone levels, making us vulnerable to a host of illnesses, such as cardiovascular disease and strokes. Other physical impact ranges from gradual hearing loss and poor sleep, to high blood pressure, to name just a few.” Noise exposure has also been connected to behavioural issues and cognitive impairment in children, and anxiety, poor attention span, and short-term memory problems in adults. PEACE AND QUIET And so to silence. We can see from the studies quoted previously that quietness is clearly good for our physical being, and that it also contributes majorly to our peace of mind, and allows us to process thoughts and feelings that would otherwise go ignored. But, that’s not all. A growing number of studies in the past decade have examined the

SILENCE INTERNAL CHATTER Find it difficult to quieten your busy mind? Whether it’s your inner critic or a long to-do list, this noise can be just as overwhelming as external sounds. Follow the below exercise as recommended by Dr Meg to enjoy stillness in your mind… 1 Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Feel the sensation of air passing in and out of your nostrils, flowing through the back of your throat, and travelling down into your belly as it lifts and dips. 2 Thoughts will continue to stream into your consciousness – acknowledge them and gently nudge them into the ether. Bring your attention to your breath and allow it to flow at its natural pace and depth. 3 When you’re ready, slowly open your eyes and re-enter the world.

effects of silence on our brain, with some very interesting results. “A 2013 study on mice (with whom we share 97% of our working DNA) found that silence actually grows brain cells,” Joanna explains. “Silence also helps us access the default mode network, our brains’ preferred state of operation. It’s what we normally >>>

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GO ON A SILENT RETREAT Embrace a sense of quietness and switch off from the outside world at one of these relaxing venues… Gaia House, Devon Day, weekend, or week-long silent meditation retreats are available at this beautiful setting. All use a programme based on Buddhist traditions, and sessions are guided by experienced dharma teachers from across the world. gaiahouse.co.uk Sharpam Trust, Devon With a range of mindfulness courses, plus silent retreats for three or five nights, there’s bound to be something to suit your needs here. If you’re a little nervous about extended periods of silence, it’s good to know that there is a chance to connect with others at certain points in your stay. sharphamtrust.org Vajrasana, Suffolk Located in the peaceful Suffolk countryside, this retreat is run by the London Buddhist Centre. It offers stays which feature periods of silence alongside a varied programme of workshops, meditation, and talks. lbc.org.uk call ‘letting our minds wander’, and generally involves letting our brains rest from having to perform a specific task. This mode is essential to creativity and problem-solving.” 30 • happiful.com • July 2020

Could it be time to think twice about having that TV show on ‘in the background’ then? SWITCH OFF It seems obvious how we can go about introducing more silence into our lives. Surely we just turn off all distractions, and sit down in quietness for a few moments each day, right? Well, yes, that would work – but the problem is many of us aren’t used to doing this, and it can feel quite alien to some. For this reason, it can be useful to ease ourselves into the idea of silence. “If you get nervous at the prospect of relaxing in silence, or just prefer not to sit still, I would recommend a walk in nature, or a trip to a museum in the off-hours,” advises Joanna. “A quiet hobby, preferably something you do with your hands, creates a wonderful kind of inner quiet, too.” Dr Arroll agrees that getting outside is a great way to connect with yourself and the native sounds around us. “Research has shown that connecting with nature and focusing on the natural world lowers the stress hormone cortisol and blood pressure, calms

our mood, and increases a sense of wellbeing. Try to walk in the mornings, and don’t take a device with you. Notice the sights, smells, and physical sensations while you’re meandering to silence your mind,” she suggests. And of course, step away from your phone when possible. “Trying to limit your screen time goes a long way towards increasing stillness – to the brain, noise can be visual just as well as audible,” says Joanna. “I practise keeping a ‘digital day of rest’ for 24 hours every week. It’s amazing how much head (and soul) space that can free up, with room for stillness to come flooding in.” So, go on – take a moment to sit back and enjoy a few moments of stress-reducing, creativity-inspiring silence. Your brain will thank you for it.

Claire Munnings is a health and wellbeing journalist. She enjoys writing about how we can live more mindfully, and introduce a sense of calm into our days.

A positive outlook Have you ever found yourself spiralling into negative thoughts? One small problem can tumble into another, and before you know it you might find yourself trapped in a negative thought pattern. But it doesn’t have to be this way – you can shake up your perspective, and learn automatic, positive responses instead… Writing | Katie Hoare

ow, don’t get us wrong, however you are feeling is valid. And you don’t have to react positively 24/7. But if you find yourself dwelling on the worst-case scenarios too often, and persistent negative thinking is affecting your wellbeing, the good news is that there are tools out there to help you break free, and hypnotherapy is one method that could help you stop the cycle. When you first start out on your journey to positivity, it can be daunting, and even seem a little unrealistic. But making that first step towards change is actually a bigger achievement than you might think, because you’ve acknowledged your negative responses. To put positivity into perspective, Lesley Lyle, psychologist and hypnotherapist, suggests that having a positive mindset is about consciously noticing what is already working well in your life. “It’s not about being blindly optimistic regardless of one’s circumstances, but more about noticing what is already going right in your everyday life and enjoying that, >>> July 2020 • happiful.com • 31

while still maintaining a realistic understanding of the challenges you might face.” Lesley suggests that maintaining a positive mindset is all about the ratio. “In order to have a positive mindset, we need to experience more positive than negative emotions (experts generally agree this is a 3:1 ratio). The good news is that even the briefest experience of a positive emotion is enough to make a significant difference to our positive mindset.” In fact, even the simple pleasures in life – such as enjoying a delicious cup of coffee, or listening to birds sing – can bring us joy, and it’s important that we consciously notice these moments and hold on to them. And this is where hypnotherapy comes into play. How does it work? At times, we can get stuck in negative thought patterns and cycles that serve no use, but we still unconsciously give these patterns power to dictate our lives. Negative thought patterns are habits that we have learned, and any habit can be ‘unlearned’. It takes practise and patience, and hypnotherapy can be an effective tool in ensuring an automatic positive mindset becomes an everyday response. Hypnotherapist James Brannan explains that the brain is constantly working to automate responses wherever possible. So when we have a learned, negative habit, intervention is needed to reinforce positive responses. James says: “Sometimes your brain will make snapshot decisions about what something means, and how to respond to such things in 32 • happiful.com • July 2020

Negative thought patterns are habits that we have learned, and any habit can be ‘unlearned’ the future. Your brain automates certain responses in order to free you up to engage with new things effectively. “This is great in one way, because it means we can keep moving between focuses and attend to many things in life. However, the downside is that we sometimes end up with responses that we don’t like doing and feeling, and yet they run unconsciously.” The practice of hypnotherapy can help change this automatic pattern

by activating those responses (in a safe, comfortable environment such as the hypnotherapist’s office or your home) and then introducing them “to new brain cell networks”, by the power of suggestion. James says: “Rather than firing round the same old loops and keeping the old responses going, when present brain cell activity gets connected to other brain cell activity, then things change. Using hypnotherapy, it’s like we can join

a person in the maze they are stuck in, grab them by the hand, lead them out and introduce them to new areas. We do this by activating the original problem and feeding in new thoughts, images, ideas and feelings.

Hypnotherapist James’ top tips to practise self-hypnosis at home: • Do it in the morning while your mind is refreshed. This way the hypnotic state isn’t interfered with by sleepiness, so we get to enjoy it more. • Let an audio track guide you if preferred – you can find loads of options on YouTube. • Start by writing or thinking of three things you can feel grateful for. A state of gratitude is a state of wellness and balance. Gratitude for the food you have today, the choices you have, and the little luxuries of modern life.

“Once done, when a person tries to activate these original thoughts, it activates all that’s been introduced as well. They can’t go back to their old pattern without it now triggering the new one.” Hypnotherapy is effective in this instance because when you are deeply relaxed, or in a ‘trance’-like state, you are more susceptible to suggestion, and therefore more likely to adopt a new habit, the ‘learned’ response.

Self-hypnosis is key In maintaining a positive mindset, regular practise of self-hypnosis is key. A daily dose of self-hypnosis helps you establish your new habits – in this case, reinforcing the positive mindset as the new normal. Self-hypnosis allows you to enter into a deep relaxation, and uses statements spoken in your mind, to reinforce the change you want to make. Before you start, have three affirmations that you can repeat to yourself – such as “I reject all self-doubt from my life, and I embrace, confidence, positivity, and prosperity” or “Today I will be happy, healthy, and strong.” To enter self-hypnosis, find a comfortable space where you’ll be uninterrupted for about 10 minutes, close your eyes, and let your muscles totally relax – if it helps, tense your muscles first to really feel the tension dissolve. Slow your breath, and focus on its calming rhythm. It’s important to visualise yourself in a situation where you are achieving your goals, to see yourself with these new habits in place. Now focus on repeating two or three affirmations that you can truly connect to. Embrace the change you feel in yourself when you’re saying these words. Techniques to try at home Lesley says: “Think about three different scents that evoke happy thoughts or memories. Explore what it is that most appeals to your senses. Then repeat using the same process to consider three sounds, sights, tastes, and physical feelings. You can repeat the whole process several times if you wish. You are

likely to find this exercise evokes many different positive emotions.” The power of smell can be invaluable. Have you ever entered a room and smelt something so strong it roots you in the spot, but has the ability to take you far and wide to where you first smelt that particular scent? “Sometimes we are aware of how we don’t want to feel – anxious, stressed, upset – but fail to consider how we would like to feel instead. Positive psychology categorises positive emotions into 10 that are universally recognised – love, inspiration, hope, gratitude, awe, amusement, pride, interest, joy and serenity,” Lesley says. “Choose a positive emotion from this list that you would most like to feel at this time, and induce a state of self-hypnosis. Visualise a situation in which you would be most likely to experience this emotion. It could be an actual memory or something of your own imagination. For instance, you might remember an occasion that evokes feelings of amusement or pride, or imagine how serene it would feel to be lying on a tropical beach. As in the previous exercise, explore aspects of what you might see, taste, hear, feel or smell.” Bank these feelings, so you can tap into them when you feel a negative thought pattern arising. Regular practice of selfhypnosis, and support from your hypnotherapist, will equip you with a mental toolkit to maintain a positive mindset, and thrive from it. To learn more about creating a positive mindset, visit hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk, to find local and online therapists. July 2020 • happiful.com • 33

How to let laughter lead the way It’s well-known that laughter is a great stress-reliever, and a regular dose of hysterics can do us the world of good. But what happens when we’re feeling low and struggle to find the ‘funny’ side?

Writing | Teresa Marks

n the words of philosopher and psychologist William James: “We don’t laugh because we’re happy, we are happy because we laugh.” As he observed more than a century ago, laughter makes us feel good. And today, we’re still exploring the many health benefits and embracing concepts such as laughter yoga and laughter therapy. Laughter prompts a plethora of physical and emotional changes in the body. It triggers our bodies to release the ‘happy chemicals’ dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins – so we’re literally flooded with positive emotions. At the same time, it reduces stress levels and creates a relaxation response. We take in more oxygen which stimulates our internal organs, strengthening our immune system, and it even increases our tolerance to pain – the internal shift is palpable. In fact, merely anticipating laughter can jumpstart some of the positive changes in the body, so it’s no wonder we turn to humour as a coping mechanism. Psychologist and hypnotherapist Lesley Lyle says: “One of the main functions of laughter is that it relieves stress, which explains why some people instinctively laugh when hearing bad news.”

Artwork | Charlotte Reynell

And it’s used effectively in therapy sessions, too. “Clients who have low mood or depression find it therapeutic to engage with these positive emotions during hypnotherapy sessions, particularly when they struggle to do so in everyday life.” So, how can we reap these amazing benefits, and bring more humour into our lives? 1. MAKE A COMMITMENT TO LAUGH MORE It might feel strange ‘deciding’ to laugh more (isn’t laughter spontaneous?), but to change any aspect of our lives requires a shift in our thoughts, desires, and beliefs. Make the conscious decision to laugh more and picture the outcome – a life filled with fun, frivolity and playfulness. You’ll find that your inner child comes out to play more often, and space for laughter will emerge. Lesley says: “This can be done in numerous ways, such as being with certain friends, watching funny films, or playing with friends/children/ pets. Laughter can also be scheduled by participating in laughter yoga sessions, where laughter is purposefully induced through specific group exercises.”

2. KNOW YOUR GO-TO SOURCES OF LAUGHTER Whether you turn to slapstick comedy, dad jokes, or your pet’s playful antics, make a list of what really makes you laugh – and start banking them! Save funny videos on YouTube, compile a list of comedy films you can’t get enough of, and record your favourite stand-up. You can even create a ‘humour jar’ – fill it with jokes or comic strip clippings that make you chuckle. By creating your own laughter first-aid kit, tailored specifically to your humour, you’ll have something to turn to on those difficult days. 3. MAKE TIME FOR PLAY Plan in playtime alongside your other responsibilities, and stick to it. Schedule time to catch up with friends, arrange a comedy night, and join that weekly laughter yoga group. Treat it like a doctor’s appointment – even when you don’t feel like doing it, you know it’s going to make you feel better. Plus, how often have you laughed at something and then found yourself in a lighter, giggly mood where everything is funny? Make a date with humour and see where it goes.

4. LET YOUR ‘SILLY’ OUT If you find it difficult to connect with your goofy side, try to bring playfulness into your life little by little. Spending time with the kids in your life can be great inspiration – you’ll quickly find your own inner child delighting at care-free play. Roll down a hill, see how many marshmallows you can get in your mouth, or bounce on a trampoline. Say yes to the next fancy-dress invitation, and challenge yourself to step outside of your comfort zone. Goofiness is not just for kids! 5. KEEP A LAUGHTER JOURNAL Reflecting on the things that brought a smile to our faces is a wonderful way to relive those

moments. The very memory of something that made us laugh can make us laugh again! Get yourself a pocket-size notebook, and start jotting down every time you laugh. Read the journal each night and reflect on all that positivity permeating your life. 6. HELP OTHERS TO LAUGH Lifting other people’s spirits is the quickest way to lift your own. And you really don’t need to be a comedian to get people giggling. Creating an environment for fun and laughter is often enough to

bring out the jovial side in people. So try to be the initiator of fun: suggest a family board game, recall that great anecdote or memory together, act the fool. Your willingness to look on the playful side of life will remind those around you that it’s OK to find humour in all situations. And it’s always worth gaining some perspective, and remembering that life on this Earth is as deeply profound as it is absolute nonsense. We all go about our lives doing the daftest of things. Step back and see the ridiculousness in it all. Welcome the humour in being imperfectly, awkwardly, human.

Embrace your blue mind If the crystal-blue waters of the ocean are calling you, and you find peace when you’re drawn to lakes or the sea, you could be experiencing the power of ‘blue mind’ Writing | Fiona Thomas

hen I’m stressed I get snappy. On one such day several years ago, I’d been standing on the precipice of a bad spell (I’ve lived with varying degrees of depression and anxiety most of my adult life), but I was determined to stay on solid ground. I made a list of the things that might make me feel better, and asked my husband to help me do the most important one: make a visit to the beach. The next day we packed the car and buckled up. I was emotionally drained, but hopeful that seeing the choppy, sparkling North Sea would bring me back to life. But when my husband tried to start the car, my beachside resuscitation was cancelled. The battery was dead.

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Rolling tides ease us into a meditative state and give us a sense of perspective on life, which tends to minimise worries effectively With hours to wait until the repair service arrived, I spent the day in tears and couldn’t explain why. My deep sense of longing to be near water was overwhelming, and quite honestly, a bit embarrassing. That was until recently when I found out that there is a name for the powerful effect that water has on our mental health; it’s called ‘blue mind’, and I’m 100% on board. Marine biologist, Wallace J Nichols, coined the term, and gave a TedTalk on the subject. “The term ‘blue mind’ describes the mildly meditative state we fall into when near, in, on, or underwater,” he says. “It’s the antidote to what we refer to as ‘red mind,’ which is the anxious, over-connected, and over-stimulated state that defines the new normal of modern life. Research has proven that spending time near the water is essential to achieving elevated and sustained happiness.” Wallace has also written a book on the subject called Blue Mind: How Water Makes You Happier, More Connected and Better at What You Do. It blends cutting-edge studies in neurobiology and psychology, with personal tales from people who have experienced the power of the blue mind in real life. Most of us know that getting outside is good for our mental and physical health, but visiting the seaside or a lake is considered by some to be the optimum version of nature therapy. In fact, a 2016 study found that increased views of blue space are significantly associated

with lower levels of psychological distress, a result which was not true for green space. One reason for this could be the colour blue. Experiments show that blue light can lower heart rates, and a Tokyo railway line saw a 74% reduction in suicides as a result of installing blue lights. Research shows that ruminating thoughts and feelings of anxiety can be quashed by observing the expansive nature of our oceans. Rolling tides ease us into a meditative state and give us a sense of perspective on life, which tends to minimise worries effectively. Watching the ocean is a stark contradiction to the environment we typically inhabit in our daily lives. Flashing phones, tense meetings, and noisy cities are replaced with a near static landscape, which remains mostly unchanged as we gaze on peacefully. As the emptiness envelops us, our brains naturally relax. When small surprises appear — a seagull, a wave — this delivers a hit of dopamine that enhances the feel-good factor. Wallace calls this regularity without monotony, which is “the perfect recipe for triggering a state of involuntary attention in which the brain’s default network — essential to creativity and problem solving — gets triggered”. Ever wondered why your dentist has a giant fish tank in their waiting room? Studies show that looking at aquariums can relax patients who are about to undergo oral surgery. Subjects who looked

at aquariums experienced a drop in blood pressure, heart rate, and improved mood. According to the blue mind theory, being in or on the water is just as powerful as watching it from a distance. Hydrotherapy has been shown to reduce psychological stress, while swimming releases endorphins, encourages deep breathing, and leads to a meditativelike state. Surfing is so healing that it’s often used in recovery programmes to replace the high that comes with substance abuse. Kayak fishing is a water-based activity that has been particularly therapeutic for soldiers and veterans with PTSD. The combination of physical movement, learning a new skill, and the blue mind effect can break the cycle of traumatic recall, helping to replace painful memories with positive ones made on the water. The main issue is that access to natural water sources is a barrier to entry for some (house prices are notoriously more expensive in coastal areas), but there are alternative ways to tap into the blue mind effect. A hot shower can ease anxiety, while a cold shower can invigorate the mind and body. Anything that recreates the sound of water is likely to ease stress and have a calming effect. I personally like to play rain sounds or crashing waves in my headphones when I find myself tossing and turning in the night. Even looking at videos or images of water can go some way to recreating the powers of nature in your own home. Fiona is a freelance writer and author, whose book, ‘Depression in a Digital Age’, is out now. Visit fionalikestoblog.com for more.

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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies – MOTHER TERESA

Photography | Rayyu Maldives

TRUE LIFE

How I fought my anorexia demons

Rebecca was trapped in a cycle of despair as her eating disorder steadily destroyed her life – but eventually she found a way to break its hold Writing | Rebecca Quinlan

was standing at my own front door, terrified, unable to move. My mum and sister tried to get me inside, but I just froze. It was 4pm on Christmas Day 2010. While most people had spent the day with their families – eating, drinking, opening presents and playing games – I had been in hospital, where I had spent the past six months receiving treatment for anorexia nervosa. I was allowed home for two hours on Christmas Day, my first time out of hospital in six months. But I couldn’t go inside. Anorexia had destroyed every part of me, physically and mentally. I was having

panic attacks five times a day – and Christmas was no exception. I burst into tears on the doorstep. How had anorexia got me to this point? I was sectioned, being tube-fed, and unable to step into my own home. For years anorexia had been my God – I had worshipped it and obeyed its every command. But now I had hit rock bottom. I was broken. I have had three admissions to hospitals for treatment of anorexia, and that Christmas was during the third. Between June 2008 and July 2011, I was in a revolving door – I went into hospital, was sectioned, tube-fed, forced to gain weight, but when released I instantly

lost weight, and within four months was back at the brink of death. At each admission my liver was at the point of failure, my heart was minutes from packing in. Each time I pushed my body to the point where I couldn’t walk or talk, or barely even breathe. And the admissions never got any easier. During my first, I was very defiant. I broke all the rules. I hated everything and everyone making me gain weight. All I wanted was anorexia, and I was determined that I would lose all the weight they made me gain, and more. Which is exactly what I did. It was only during my third admission that I started to hate anorexia.

When I hit rock bottom that Christmas Day, I knew that something had to change. I couldn’t keep going like this. So, instead of fighting for anorexia, I decided to fight for life. I wasn’t ready to give up anorexia completely, but I wanted to be able to manage it. I wanted to have friends, and go out with them for meals. I wanted to sit round the table at home and eat dinner with my family. These were things I had missed out on for years, and I was desperate to be able to do them. So, slowly, we gradually started re-introducing liquids, and eventually, after nine months of not eating food, in March 2011 I started to eat again. >>>

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Yes, I wanted a life, but anorexia had such a grip of me that I knew if I was left to my own devices, the illness would have its way It was terrifying, and there were times when I couldn’t do it, but I kept trying. I wanted to be able to have a life and do ‘normal’ things – and this meant eating. Having spent years of feeling utterly helpless and hopeless, and wanting to run from life, now I was beginning to feel hopeful, and wanted to live life. Anorexia still held a strong position in my life but I didn’t want it to take over again. 40 • happiful.com • July 2020

But I knew that once out in the real world, I wouldn’t be able to fight it. Without the restrictions and rules of the hospital, I knew I would not be able to stop myself losing weight again. Yes, I wanted a life, but anorexia had such a grip of me that I knew if I was left to my own devices, the illness would have its way. That is where the Community Treatment Order (CTO) came in.

After my year-long, third hospital admission, I was released under a CTO in July 2011. A CTO is a bit like being sectioned but allows you to live in the community. There are conditions in the CTO that you must follow; a set of rules. If you don’t, you can be recalled to hospital immediately for as long as the doctor deems necessary. My CTO says that if I go below a certain weight, I will immediately be sent back to hospital. This threat motivates me to maintain my weight, and

I am now in my seventh year on the CTO – and I would not be where I am today without it. I had very little leeway, but now I can see this was a good thing. Anorexia pushes boundaries, it likes you to eat as little as possible, and be as low a weight as possible. But the CTO completely stopped this. It was there in black and white; this was the weight I had to stay above and there was no negotiation. Because I have stayed within my weight boundary, I’ve spent nine years free of hospital. And

Rebecca blogs at foodforthoughtanorexia.blogspot.com Rebecca is fundraising for Beat and you can support her at justgiving.com/ fundraising/bexs-26-song-challenge

Courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid. Courage means you don’t let fear stop you the longer the CTO has kept me out of hospital, the more time it has given me to start experiencing life again, breaking that cycle and letting me start to live. The more time spent out of hospital, the more I have realised that I do want more from life, and my thought processes have started to change – which is key to initiating recovery. Previously, recovery had never been an option because I was in and out of hospital, and anorexia dominated my life. But now I have completed my undergraduate degree, worked full-time as a cook, completed a Masters, and am now working parttime in admin at my local general hospital while also giving talks to university

students about eating disorders. I go on holiday, go out with friends, and can eat dinner in a restaurant. I am far from completely recovered, but I have made huge progress and built a relatively ‘normal’ life. When I started on the CTO nine years ago, I was just 1kg above the bottom of my weight-band, and I am now 10kg above. Yes, the progression is slow, but without the CTO I don’t think there would be any progress at all. I want to campaign for the greater use of CTOs. I believe they should be used as a fundamental tool in anorexia treatment. They can be cost-saving, and, most importantly, life-saving. I believe their potential for success in preventing the

development of severe and enduring anorexia, and in helping recovery, could be huge. If there was a measure that would prevent cancer becoming terminal, it would be used without a second’s thought. CTOs have this potential with anorexia. CTOs can offer anorexics the key to life. I have come so far from that Christmas Day when I couldn’t even go into my own house. Yes, it is still a struggle, and things can still feel very scary, but I will get there. And if I can do it, anyone can. Courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid. Courage means you don’t let fear stop you. The CTO has helped me develop courage. And with courage, you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Rebecca struggled with anorexia for more than 10 years. Her hospital admissions stabilised her condition, but there was an inevitable relapse after discharge. Christmas day was a low point, yet also a turning point as she decided to fight for herself. She had felt helpless in the face of her anorexia, yet the boundaries of the CTO helped her to maintain healthy practices. Over time, with the help of the CTO, she succeeded in making effective changes and real improvement in her life. It’s worth recognising that setting firm boundaries and sharing these with others can often help give us more strength. Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) counsellor

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Ask the experts Sonal Shah answers your questions on eating for skin health Read more about Sonal on nutritionist-resource.org.uk

Stress is having a real impact on my skin, and I’m getting more breakouts than normal. What can I do?

Managing the stress as best as you can will help, as stress triggers a hormone cascade that can stimulate acne. Acne is not really caused

My skin feels really dull and dehydrated – are there any foods that can help?

Firstly, I would question if you are getting enough water and fluids – adults need at least 1.5 litres of fluids a day.

by toxins trying to force their way through the skin; it’s actually caused by the immune system’s overreaction to bacteria that normally live on the skin. Face mapping for acne can give us more of a clue as to which organs may be out of balance. For example, breakouts along the chin and jawline are hormonal and linked to gut and liver health.

Breakouts on the forehead are linked to kidney function and possibly inadequate hydration. Breakouts on the cheeks are usually linked to the lungs and respiratory system. Combatting acne is a multifaceted approach – taking supplements containing zinc and vitamin A, and herbal remedy echinacea, has shown improvements in clearing up acne.

Secondly, foods with natural oils can help hydrate the skin and prevent dryness. Consuming these oils daily is a must, and can be found in foods such as avocados, olive oil, and flaxseeds. Thirdly, colourful vegetables with dark coloured pigments from yellow-orange to green-purple do contain more nutrients beneficial for the

skin, including vitamin C and beta-carotene. Chomping on carrots, peppers, sweet potato, and berries will provide these nutrients. In addition, water-rich foods such as cucumber and watermelon contain minerals like silica and lycopene, which will have your skin glowing and hydrated.

Nutritionist Resource is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

Top tips for better skin: 1. Drink more fluids and cut back on coffee, fizzy drinks, and squash. Replace these with healthy vegetable juices and water. Consider using superfood powders, such as Klamath powder and Moringa powder, to provide nutrients for the skin. 2. Soak the body in Epsom salts, which naturally contain minerals like magnesium. This has a detoxifying action as the skin’s pores open in the bathwater. Magnesium also relaxes muscles and eases tension. 3. Cut back on processed sugars, and look at how many portions of vegetables and fruit you’re consuming now – add three more to this and you should see a positive improvement to your skin.

My eczema is aggravated by stress. I’m doing what I can to relax, but are there any changes I can make to my diet to help?

Eczema is an inflammatory response and to better manage this, anti-inflammatory foods should be consumed. These include essential omega 3s from oily fish, flaxseeds, and chia seeds for example.

Cutting back on coffee, sugar, refined wheat products, and dairy can help symptoms, too. Consuming more foods that support the gut and liver function, such as cruciferous vegetables and green veggies (which contain magnesium, an anti-stress mineral) can help, in addition to consuming alkalising beans and grains, like adzuki beans and quinoa, which are easy to digest. Vitamin C, zinc, turmeric, and ginger have all been shown to help improve eczema.

GREATEST MENTAL HEALTH BOOKS Empathy, escapism, insight, or to expand your mind, a good book can be like a friend in troubled times. In this entirely subjective list, we’ve compiled mustread books from our readers and colleagues, which have made a huge impact on their lives in times when they needed it most. Whether you’re looking for a sympathetic ear, a guiding hand, or just a sign you’re not alone, without doubt, you will find it in the pages of one of these incredible books... Writing | Rebecca Thair, Kathryn Wheeler & Bonnie Evie Gifford

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Girl, Woman, Other Bernadine Evaristo (Penguin, £8.99)

Your Erroneous Zones Wayne W Dyer (Piatkus, £9.99)

The Power of Now Eckhart Tolle (Yellow Kite, £10.99)

Joint winner of the Booker Prize 2019, Girl, Woman, Other follows the lives of 12 people as they navigate questions of class, race, sexuality, gender, and friendship.

If you’ve ever been plagued by self-doubt, this book is a must-read. Exploring how to overcome the things holding us back, the ‘father of motivation’ helps us to move forward.

With Oprah Winfrey calling it “one of the most valuable books [she’s] ever read”, this read encourages us all to live a healthier and happier life by connecting to the present moment.

Depression & Other Magic Tricks Sabrina Benaim (SCB Distributed Publishers, £13.99)

Welcome to the NHK Tatsuhiko Takimoto (Tokyopop, £8.99)

There is No Right Way to Meditate Yumi Sakugawa (Adams Media, £9.99)

With a video of one of her poems having more than 5 million views, Sabrina Benaim’s debut book draws together a collection of poems on mental health, love, and family.

Tackling themes around depression and isolation, the series gives a unique view into young people’s struggle to connect and find their place in society.

An uplifting guide on how to lead a more peaceful life from awardwinning artist Yumi Sakugawa, featuring stunning illustrations, and ways to connect with the moment.

Body Positive Power Megan Jayne Crabbe (Vermilion, £12.99)

Michael Rosen’s Sad Book Michael Rosen (Walker Books, £6.99)

All That Man Is David Szalay (Vintage, £9.99)

For anyone in need of inspiration to show yourself the self-love and acceptance you deserve, this is your go-to guide to embracing yourself, just as you are.

A sincere and moving account of Michael's grief following the death of his son, Eddie, from meningitis at the age of 19.

In this collection of intertwined short stories, David Szalay explores masculinity as he guides us through the different stages of a man’s life, from 17 to 73. >>> July 2020 • happiful.com • 45

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath (Faber & Faber, £8.99)

A semi-autobiographical classic, The Bell Jar was first published in the UK a month after Plath’s own death by suicide. It follows college student Esther as she moves to New York for an internship, but her time is unfulfilling. Struggling with her personal identity and societal expectations, and based on Plath’s own experiences in a psychiatric facility, readers get a glimpse into what life was like living with depression, suicidal thoughts, and mental health treatment in the 50s.

It’s Not OK to Feel Blue (and other lies) by Scarlett Curtis (Penguin, £14.99)

Following the success of her Sunday Times best-seller, Feminists Don’t Wear Pink, Scarlett Curtis curated this powerful, funny, and often poignant collection of mental health stories from more than 70 people. Including words from Emma Thompson, Matt Haig, and Poorna Bell, this is a heartfelt and honest look at mental health, why it’s OK to be overwhelmed, and that it’s OK to be human.

Playing Big by Tara Mohr (Arrow, £9.99) It’s a pattern you see so often – women with so much talent and potential, but unable to recognise it. We’re afraid to put ourselves out there, and hold back, but it doesn’t have to be this way. Happiful’s Kat says: “It’s about negotiating fear and self-doubt to help you build confidence and ‘play big’ in your life.” And that’s something we should all feel empowered to do.

Secrets for the Mad by dodie (Ebury Press, £16.99) YouTuber and musician dodie’s debut book is a collection of anecdotes and life lessons exploring her experience with mental health. Diving into everything from relationships to suicidal ideation, this candid account feels like listening to a friend sharing the experiences that made her the person she is today.

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Flow: The Psychology of Happiness by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (Rider, £14.99)

What makes life truly worthwhile? For more than two decades, Mihaly investigated this very subject matter – studying where concentration and enjoyment meet. Covering issues such as family relationships, the pain of loneliness, and how to make our lives meaningful, Flow is an accessible insight into modern psychology. Happiful’s Jo says: “It made me rethink a lot of the things I do… This book doesn’t play to my insecurities about being weak if I don’t take up the gauntlet.”

The Portable Veblen by Elizabeth McKenzie (Fourth Estate, £8.99)

Veblen is an amateur translator and people-pleaser under the wrath of her narcissistic and controlling mother. Her fiance Paul is a neuroscientist and the son of ‘good hippies and bad parents’. As Paul navigates the shady world of pharmaceuticals, Veblen tries to mend broken family bonds. A story of dysfunction, love, and morality, The Portable Veblen puts conversations about mental health subtly at the forefront.

We’re All Mad Here by Claire Eastham (Jessica Kingsley Publishers, £12.99)

For some people, socialising is like breathing. But for others, it doesn’t come so naturally. If you’ve ever felt crippled by self-doubt in social situations – whether at university, work, parties, dates or even on social media – then this book from award-winning blogger Claire Eastham should be your go-to guide for getting through it. With her fantastic sense of humour, and bringing in her own experiences, We’re All Mad Here explores exactly what social anxiety is, and how you can lessen its hold over you.

Gorilla and the Bird: A Memoir of Madness and a Mother’s Love by Zack McDermott (Piatkus, £14.99)

People are often afraid to mix mental health and humour, but Zack McDermott fuses the two seamlessly in this story of a young man recovering from a psychotic break, and the relationship that saves him. One day Zack wakes up convinced that his life is being filmed, and the people around him are actors. Raw, emotional, and with its dark humour, we join Zack’s journey of recovery, with the unrelenting support of his tough but big-hearted mother, Bird.

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman (HarperCollins, £8.99)

When it comes to debut novels, Gail Honeyman couldn’t have hoped for a better response to her award-winning fiction, with more than 2.5 million copies sold and captivating audiences worldwide. The book follows unusual and endearing Eleanor Oliphant as she recovers from past trauma, and makes new human connections following a lifetime of isolation. And while it’s a tale covering themes of loneliness and trauma, it’s also incredibly uplifting, moving and hopeful, recounting the small acts of kindness that, actually, make the biggest difference of all.

Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig (Canongate Books, £9.99)

With suicide being the biggest cause of death among UK men under 45, it remains a vital topic to broach with our loved ones, to ensure no one is suffering alone. Whether you’re struggling yourself, or looking for insight to help others, this Sunday Times best-selling memoir is essential reading. One of the leading voices in mental health writing, Matt Haig opens up about his depression and anxiety. Taking you on a journey from his lowest moments, to the series of events that helped him learn to live again, Matt speaks about mental health in a touching, reflective way that peels back the stigma and lets us know we’re not alone.

Winnie-the-Pooh: The Complete Collection of Stories and Poems by A A Milne (Egmont, £40)

First published in 1924, this much-loved collection of stories, featuring the world’s most famous bear, still has a place on our bookshelves, and in our hearts. As the UN ambassador of friendship, there’s a lesson or two to be learned from this unassuming bear and his friends. Those living with depression may see themselves in the withdrawn nature of Eeyore, and those with anxiety might recognise Piglet’s fears. But through every story runs the central message that, with hope, kindness, and friendship, we can work towards overcoming the things that challenge us. Follow Pooh and his friends as they set off on adventures, and get themselves into all sorts of trouble. From the importance of being yourself, to the power of love and acceptance, be inspired by the sweet, simple mantras of these children’s classics that break down barriers and stigma, and are bound to leave you touched and hopeful.

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Tapping anxiety away Could saying a few words while tapping your body ease anxiety? That is the result emotional freedom technique (EFT) aims for. Happiful’s Kat Nicholls puts tapping to the test to see what it’s all about

s soon as my alarm goes off, I get a familiar feeling in my chest. It’s Monday morning, the week ahead is going to be busy, and I’m feeling anxious. But a few hours later, I’m feeling a little calmer and ready to join my Zoom call with Charlie O’Brien – clinical hypnotherapist, life coach and EFT practitioner – for my first ever emotional freedom technique (EFT) session. Having written about EFT before, I already had an idea of what to expect – tapping acupuncture points on your body while repeating statements about a problem you’re encountering. But experiencing it first hand (quite literally) is another matter. What makes it so powerful is the way it ‘updates the brain’s learning’ – as outlined in Dr Peta Stapleton’s TEDx talk, ‘Is therapy facing a revolution?’ Dr Stapleton explains that the combination of accessing 48 • happiful.com • July 2020

a difficult memory or feeling while in a ‘contrary’ state (relaxed), and repeating the process, updates our brain’s learning. The secret to getting into that relaxed state is in the tapping. A 10-year research trial by Harvard University has revealed that stimulating these acupuncture points sends a signal to the amygdala in our brain to calm down. With just one hour of tapping, our stress hormone levels can be reduced by 24%. For comparison, if we were to lie down and rest for an hour, our stress hormone levels would only reduce by 14%. Before our session, Charlie told me about her own tapping experience as she was training to be an EFT practitioner. “I tapped on a ‘feeling’ I got in my stomach if anyone ever mentioned my abusive ex’s name. Over the years I’d worked on the trauma, but this horrible feeling still clung

on and I decided it was time to completely release myself from the past trauma. “It worked. That’s all I can say. Ever since that day I’ve not been able to recall that nasty feeling in my stomach. That person no longer has control over me, and it’s liberating.” The idea of being able to tap away a problem is an enticing one, and I knew the quest to be free from anxiety was my white whale. We began our session by talking about anxiety, and specifically how I was feeling there and then. Charlie asked me where I could feel anxiety in my body (in my torso, mainly my chest), how it felt (fluttery, like butterflies), and where my anxiety levels were on a scale from 0 to 10 (about a four). Charlie then showed me the first tapping point, the ‘side of hand’ on the outside edge of my palm. We tapped this and repeated a ‘set-up statement’ to get us in the right

Charlie O’Brien is a clinical hypnotherapist, life coach and EFT practitioner

The idea of being able to tap away a problem is an enticing one. I knew the quest to be free from anxiety was my white whale headspace. We repeated it three times before our first round of tapping. Starting at the inner eyebrow we tapped, moving to the outside of my eye, under my eye, under my nose, my chin, under my collarbone, under my arm and finishing at the top of my head. Following Charlie’s lead I repeated simple phrases about feeling anxiety while I tapped. After this we paused and did a quick breathing exercise. Charlie asked me where I was on the scale (down to a three) and where I could feel the anxiety in my body. To my surprise, it had moved. I could now feel the ‘fluttery’ feeling in my throat, ears and head. With a nod and a smile, Charlie explained that tapping moves sensations around the body and this was a good sign – it was on its way out.

We did another round, and this time I felt like I was going into a meditative state, feeling utterly relaxed by the end of it. I wondered if this would be the end of the session but no, Charlie wanted to take things deeper to truly unpick whatever it was my anxiety was clinging on to. As we talked, I explained some deep-rooted fears relating to anxiety, stress, and its relevance to work. And so, we tapped on this. Stating the problem so clearly feels counterintuitive, but by repeating the statements I became almost desensitised to them. By the end I wasn’t totally released of anxiety, but Charlie said the deeper issues often took more work. Before bed that night, I did another round of tapping myself. When the alarm went off the following morning I waited for the

TRY THIS AT HOME If you haven’t got time for a full round of tapping, or you’re in public and want to be discreet, use a couple of fingers to tap the inside of your wrist, moving to the inside edge of each finger (where the nail meets the skin). At each point, say the problem you want to tap on out loud, or in your head. Repeat until you feel calmer.

inevitable anxious feeling in my chest to rise… but it didn’t. So, do I think tapping has taken away my anxiety completely? Not yet. I don’t believe my journey with anxiety is over, but I’m excited to add tapping to my anti-anxiety toolbox and see where it takes me.

Learn more about Charlie’s work at charlieobrien.co.uk, and visit therapydirectory.org.uk for more information about EFT. July 2020 • happiful.com • 49

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Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose – LYNDON B JOHNSON

Photography | Bailey Mahon

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TRUE LIFE

I was a prisoner of my mind

Terrifying thoughts of violence tormented Julia throughout her life – until a diagnosis of OCD, and the love of her husband, enabled her to finally banish the fears and misery Writing | Julia Harrison

hinking back as far as possible, I can only count the number of truly happy, anxiety-free days in my life on the fingers of one hand. I was an anxious child, a worried teenager, and a screwed-up adult. It seemed to me that I was responsible for everything that went wrong around me. I was a perfectionist and an overthinker. But it was more than that. I was different, and I didn’t want to be. Like so many people, I had a difficult childhood. I grew up not knowing who I really was, and feeling that I didn’t really fit in. I know now that these were the ideal conditions for my illness to take root and grow.

My thoughts were my downfall. From the age of 14, I began to experience thoughts of harm towards those I loved the most. I would watch a news story about murder or abuse, and would be gripped by a very real and sickening anxiety. “What if I were capable of this? Would I do such a thing?” I had an overwhelming fear that my thoughts were me. I carried this false belief for more than 40 years, and it threatened to endanger and contaminate every loving or kind instinct I had. I married in 1983, and followed my vocation to teach. I know that I was, and still am, a natural and gifted teacher. I was popular with my students and I genuinely

wanted to help them fulfil their potential. I thought perhaps I had arrived in my own life at last! Then the accusatory thoughts would begin. “Could I be trusted in a position of such responsibility?” This destroyed the joy I experienced in my job. My dysfunctional brain told me I was a bad person – at times my false sense of guilt was overwhelming. This is fairly typical of the experience of people with obsessive compulsive disorder intrusive thoughts, sometimes called ‘Pure O’. OCD contaminates and dismantles the lives of ordinary, decent individuals. There are many strands of OCD – contamination

OCD, religious OCD, relationship OCD – and they are all, without exception, cruel and destructive. Unfortunately, I had never heard of this mental illness, and 30 years ago doctors were probably unaware of it, too. Then, in my late 40s, I was researching something on the computer and came across the term “intrusive thoughts”. I began to read. On the screen I saw a description of myself and my life. I felt an enormous relief, and an outpouring of emotion. I had an illness. It had a name. I was not the evil person I’d feared I might be. You would think that following such an epiphany everything would be sorted. I would >>> July 2020 • happiful.com • 51

For Julia, telling her husband about her illness, and being accepted and loved unconditionally, was the key to her rescue

seek help, have treatment, and be ‘cured’. I would finally be rid of this big, ugly monkey I had carried on my back for so long. Think again. My intrusive thoughts continued and intensified. I was too afraid, perhaps just too weary, to seek help. My son had his own problems with anxiety and depression, I had gone through a painful divorce in 2006, had little money, and was busy coping with day-to-day survival. Looking back, I was at the bottom of my own list of priorities. When my close friend Pamela died from cancer in August 2014, something made me realise that this was the time to take action. I had

52 • happiful.com • July 2020

a meltdown. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t eat, and I couldn’t stop crying. I had reached my limit. It was grief, but it was also the fear that I was wasting my life. Pamela loved her life, and had lost it. I had to find mine. I owed it to her. I was still tormented by OCD when I met my second husband. If ever I could be happy it would be now. I had a loving, equal relationship with a man who valued me. But I did not tell him about my illness until after our marriage. I think I was too afraid to risk another rejection. We visited Paris shortly after our wedding in 2013 – something I had always wanted to do. This holiday was full of new experiences, sights

OCD contaminates and dismantles the lives of ordinary, decent individuals. There are many strands… and they are all, without exception, cruel and destructive and sounds. These are powerful triggers for my OCD, and it wasn’t long before the fear and doubts began. I was in the Metro and began to think: “What if I pushed someone on to the tracks in front of the train?” Of course, this thought is followed by the compulsions stage – checking mentally that this could never happen. What is even worse is the follow-up question: “What if I did that, and can’t remember/didn’t realise I had done it?” This is a gut-wrenching feeling. It never gets any easier to deal with.

I think telling my husband about my illness, and being accepted and loved unconditionally, was the key to my rescue. I began to value myself and believe that I deserved a chance of a good life. I walked into my GP’s office in May 2015 and said: “I have OCD. I need help. I want a diagnosis.” The final barrier was broken, and three months later I received a diagnosis of OCD Intrusive Thoughts. The sense of relief was enormous. I was given the right medication for my illness, and I agreed to therapy.

The therapy was tough – but I was determined to give it everything I had. It was exhausting, it was exhilarating, it was gradually helping me to see the real me My therapist was great. As the weeks went by, I felt more and more comfortable in the sessions. I opened up more, and realised that he had heard it all before, was not shocked or horrified at the things I described, and could reassure me I was an OK person, and was not a danger to anyone. The therapy was tough – but I was determined to give it everything I had. It was exhausting, it was exhilarating, it was gradually helping me to see the real me. I liked what I saw. I faced my worst fears and realised that my anxiety would decrease, that it was possible to walk away from an OCD experience without compulsions, without thinking again and again about what happened, or what might have happened. My life since then has been so different. I still have intrusive thoughts (as we all do from time to time). I still have bad

‘Stuck in the Loop: My Showdown with OCD’ (£4.60 from Amazon, or free through Kindle Unlimited)

days. I still wish I didn’t have this illness. I’ve been able to talk about it to my family, my friends, my colleagues, and the responses have been positive and supportive. I will never be OCDfree. But I am a free person now. I am no longer imprisoned in my own mind, by my own thoughts. I turned 60 a few months ago, and I am looking forward to the best days – which I believe are still to come. A few weeks into my therapy I decided to

write a book about my life with OCD, my therapy, and my new life after therapy. I self-published this in January 2017, under the pseudonym Martha Jane Middow. Apart from the birth of my amazing son, this is the greatest achievement of my life, so far. It helped me so much to write it, but my main motivation was to help others who have OCD. To point to the possibility of help, health, and hope for the future.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Julia’s inspirational story truly overcomes adversity. Her strength drives her through the process, striving to work through her personal challenges and accept them as part of herself, with the support and love from the people around her. Through her experience, Julia is able to bring her authentic self to the world, and she is clearly shining. Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred) Counsellor and psychotherapist

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“

The great gift of human beings is that we have the power of empathy – MERYL STREEP

Photography | Morteza Yousefi

Happiful reads… From much-anticipated sequels, to saying thanks to real heroes - we share four upcoming books you won’t want to miss Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

ove it or hate it, Twilight has made an impact on the literary, film, and fandom scenes since its debut in 2005. The international best-selling series went on to enthrall a generation of teenage fans, and now nearly 15 years later, a new, highly-anticipated companion book is slated for release this August. Telling the iconic love story of Bella and Edward from a previously untold point of view, until now, fans have only heard Bella’s side of things. In Midnight Sun, for the first time readers will see the story unfurl from vampire Edward’s perspective, sharing a new, decidedly darker side of events.

From their initial unnerving and intriguing meeting, to new, details about Edward’s past and inner thoughts, readers are set to see the defining struggle of Edward’s life in a whole new way, as he seeks to answer: how can he justify following his heart, if it means leading Bella into danger? In a year filled with unexpected change, the chance to relieve a part of our pasts and be transported back into a world that captivated millions of readers worldwide, can feel like a pleasant respite. Whether you were a fan of the original series, or are looking for a little (muchneeded) escapism, Stephenie Meyer’s latest novel is bound to be a talking point for months.

Must reads Women Don’t Owe You Pretty by Florence Given Out 11 June In her debut book, artist and writer Florence aims to teach you how to protect your energy, understand that you’re the love of your own life, and realise that today is a wonderful day to dump the outdated narratives supplied to us by the patriarchy. Filled with witty illustrations and an unwavering confidence, this explicit book shares uncomfortable truths that are bound to get you thinking.

Skincare: the ultimate nononsense guide by Caroline Hirons Out 25 June Known as the authority on skincare, Caroline’s debut book looks to share her knowledge with the world. With more than 100 million views on her blog and 13 million on YouTube, Caroline cuts through the jargon to help readers of all ages and skin types, who want to feel fantastic, get the lowdown on the facts and myths around how to get good skin on any budget.

Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer Out 4 August

MEET THE REAL-LIFE HEROES Dear NHS: 100 stories to say thank you edited by Adam Kay Out 9 July Featuring the true, personal stories of 100 household names and their experiences with the NHS, 100% of all profits from Dear NHS will be donated to NHS Charities Together, to help fund vital research and projects, and also to The Lullaby Trust, to help support parents. From Stephen Fry to Dawn French, Emilia Clark to Louis Theroux, and many many more, contributors have gathered together to help remind us that no matter who you are, what your health needs are, or how much money you have, the NHS is there for you. Changing and saving lives, read moving, hilarious, hopeful, and impassioned stories from those who have experienced first-hand the help offered by the heroes in our NHS.

Simple snacking Quick, easy, and healthy snacks to enjoy all day long Writing | Ellen Hoggard

hen you get a midmorning craving and the cupboard is calling, more often than not you can find yourself drawn to a tasty biscuit with your cup of tea, or something else sweet you’ve picked up at the shops. And there’s nothing wrong with that – in fact listening to your body and what it needs is important. Some people won’t call themselves snackers – I am not one of those people. Unless I’m absolutely swamped at work, or busy with personal plans (not so frequent right now) I will have at least one treat at some point. And like anyone else, what I choose to snack on will vary day-to-day, depending on what I have in the house and my mood. Sometimes, I enjoy a slice of banana bread, other times, I’ll opt for a cereal bar, and there are days when a cup of coffee will tide me over until lunch or dinner. The thing is, shop-bought snacks can get expensive and aren’t always the healthiest option. Preparing your snacks at home ensures you keep costs down, and you know exactly what ingredients are used – plus they’re a great way to experiment in the kitchen!

Here are two quick and easy recipes, using ingredients you’ve likely got in the depths of your cupboard. Whether you’re a sweet or savoury snacker, or you’re looking to keep your partner, flatmate or children from stealing your stash, there’s a winner here for everyone. TIP: Plan your meals and your snacks every day. This saves time, money, and reduces waste.

Fruit & Nut Chocolate Buttons Ingredients • 200g dark or milk chocolate • Small handful of dried cranberries and raisins • Small handful of cashews, pecans and almonds Choose your favourite fruits and nuts – make it your own! Method • Break up the chocolate and place it in a microwave-safe bowl. • Melt the chocolate in the microwave in 30-second intervals, stirring regularly to ensure it’s melted and smooth. If you don’t have a microwave, melt the chocolate in a bowl over a pan of hot water, stirring until smooth.

• On a lined baking tray, drop 15– 20 small spoonfuls of chocolate, evenly spaced, about the size of a 50 pence piece. Gently place a few cranberries, raisins and nuts on each button. • When finished, place the chocolate buttons in the fridge to set for a minimum of 15 minutes. • Once set, remove from the fridge. Gently take each button from the baking sheet and store in an air-tight container, ready to enjoy with your mid-morning cuppa!

Our expert says... Fruit & Nut Chocolate Buttons Choosing good quality dark chocolate and eating modest quantities may offer greater health benefits than milk chocolate! This is because dark chocolate contains up to two or three times more flavonoids – an important antioxidant helpful in supporting cardiovascular and cognitive function. Dark chocolate may also have some neurological benefits, due to dark chocolate releasing serotonin, a neurotransmitter, which is responsible for regulating our mood, happiness and anxiety. When choosing chocolate to eat, look for products that are 70–95% cocoa to make the most of its health benefits.

Find nutrit a near y ionist o Happ u on the iful ap p Crunchy Baked Chickpeas Ingredients • 400g tin chickpeas • Olive oil • 1 tsp sweet smoked paprika • ½ tsp cumin • Salt and pepper Don’t have any chickpeas? Swap for broad (fava) beans. Method • Preheat the oven to 220C/200C Fan/Gas mark 7. • Drain and rinse the chickpeas

until the water runs clear. Lay the chickpeas out on a kitchen towel and gently pat until dry. • Transfer to a baking tray and drizzle with a little olive oil. Give them a shake to ensure they are completely covered, and add your spices, salt and pepper. Shake to coat. • Bake on the middle shelf for 30–35 minutes, shaking the tray regularly to keep the chickpeas from sticking. Remove from the oven when golden brown. Leave to cool fully before serving.

Crunchy Baked Chickpeas Chickpeas are an excellent source of plant-based dietary protein and fibre, which helps to make you feel full and curb those food cravings! But that’s not all. Studies have found that eating chickpeas may also help support cardiovascular health and lower cholesterol, thought to be due to their high soluble fibre content. Chickpeas are also high in vitamins and minerals, including folate, calcium, magnesium and potassium, making the humble chickpea a highly nutritious addition to your diet, and a great alternative to eating crisps and salted nuts. Amie Butler is a registered nutritional therapist and registered UK metabolic balance coach, specialising in gut health and digestion. Based in Whitstable, Kent, Amie offers face-to-face, online, and telephone consultations.

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On an annual subscription using code HAPPIREAD at shop.happiful.com Includes postage and packaging (mainland UK). Prices and beneﬁts are correct at the time of printing, using code HAPPIREAD, which expires on 20 August 2020. For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com 58 • happiful.com • July 2020

“I only had you for three months, but you were my greatest gift ” Her three-month-old daughter’s death was a devastating loss that changed Annabel Karmel’s life for ever. Here the UK’s best-selling children’s cookery author, shares, for the very first time, a heartfelt letter to her firstborn Natasha, disclosing the depth of the grief she endured 32 years ago, and the legacy that her baby girl left behind As told by | Gemma Calvert

Warning: please be aware this article contains details that some readers may find distressing.

’ll never forget the day I discovered I was pregnant. I was 29 and had waited two years for that news. No one knew why it took me so long to conceive – sometimes it just takes time – but I excitedly fell straight into preparing for your arrival. I created a nursery at our little mews house in St John’s Wood, north London, and decorated it with blue and pink florals, and curtains with big bows. My pregnancy was blissful, and when you arrived on 3 August, 1987, weighing 6lb 2oz – little but healthy – the joy I felt as a first time mum was indescribable. You were so, so wanted, and I was over the moon. Life was perfect. You were three months old when, one evening, I checked on you in your nursery and spotted your little hand twitching, then saw your eyes roll back. I rushed to see an out-of-hours GP who lectured me on how first-time mothers worry unnecessarily, so I returned home, feeling guilty for disturbing him. If only I’d listened to my instincts. The following morning, I knew something wasn’t right. Your father had already left for work, so I bundled you into a blanket and drove you to another doctor who, after examining you, confirmed something was very wrong. >>> July 2020 • happiful.com • 59

You were so, so wanted, and I was over the moon I sensed you were sick but never dreamed it would be so serious that you would need immediate treatment at St Mary’s Hospital in Paddington for various tests and an emergency CT scan. The doctor’s voice was deadpan as he delivered the news: “Your child might die. If she doesn’t, she will never be the same again.” He explained you had contracted encephalitis, an uncommon but serious viral infection, most likely caused by a kiss from somebody with a cold sore. It had spread to the brain, causing irreversible swelling. I could hear my heart thumping in my chest. Nothing made sense. I thought: “They’ve put men on the moon, surely they can find a way to save you.” I felt powerless and scared. An ambulance rushed you to Great Ormond Street Hospital where, overnight, you deteriorated and were moved to intensive care to be attached to a ventilator. Day and night, I never left your side. I remember living in hope, praying, and trying to stay optimistic, because what’s the alternative until you’re told the worst? That day came on day five. The doctor explained that the thinking part of your brain was gone, and a decision was made to take you off the ventilator. The machine was 60 • happiful.com • July 2020

disconnected from your tiny body, you were put into a little dress, then handed to me. Every time I heard you take a breath, I clung to the hope that maybe – just maybe – the doctors had it wrong, that you would live. Yet my hopes were short-lived. After four hours, you died in my arms, and as I cradled your body everything felt very final. At that moment, my future felt obliterated. It was the worst pain of my life. Returning home, where all your things were exactly as I’d left them, walking through your nursery where I could still smell you on the bedding and the baby clothes, was heartbreaking. Soon after, your grandmother would remove those belongings, fearing that keeping them would be too much of a painful reminder. I guess a mother never stops trying to protect her child. The day after you died, a massive storm caused trees to fall and plants to become uprooted, and I remember looking out the

window, thinking how the world outside matched how I felt inside – completely discombobulated. In the same breath, I couldn’t believe life was carrying on. In the weeks and months that followed, I slipped into a black hole. I never dreamed about you or sensed you were there. You were very much gone, and the grief I felt was like nothing I’d ever experienced, as though a load was weighing on top of my head, physically pushing me down. I found it impossible to motivate myself, I felt so physically sick with grief that my appetite disappeared, and I struggled to sleep. Whenever I did achieve rest, I’d wake and relive the shock of your death as though I was experiencing it for the first time. People often don’t know what to say to those grieving a loved one, let alone a mother who has lost her newborn daughter. Consequently, I felt very isolated and alone, so I stayed at home a lot. When I did

The day after you died, a massive storm caused trees to fall and plants to become uprooted, and I remember looking out the window, thinking how the world outside matched how I felt inside

venture out, people who didn’t realise what had happened would innocently ask: ‘How’s your little one?’ prompting my tears to well up. Going outside to exercise made me feel a little bit more normal, and three months after you died I was on a tennis holiday when I missed my period, took a pregnancy test and it read positive. Suddenly I had hope. Of course, no baby could ever replace you, but the idea of becoming a mother again, to get back the future I’d lost when you died, kept me going. Knowing a baby was coming made a huge difference to my mental health, and when Nicholas arrived on 6 August, 1988 – one year and three days after you were born – slowly my sanity returned.

Of course, I worried the same thing would happen to Nicholas as you, but once he passed the age of three months, I relaxed more. But while he was a healthy child, Nicholas was difficult. He wouldn’t sleep and was a bad eater. My career as a harpist had ended after you left, when I could no longer play music. I realised I wanted to work with children, and opening a playschool was my next dream – to help other little ones. To give Nicholas the nutritional reserves he’d need should he ever fall ill, I began formulating my own recipes. I shared a few with mums at the playgroup, who all responded with hugely positive feedback, and some even suggested I write a

cookbook – which made me laugh, but I soon realised that a book to help mums nourish their children would be a superb legacy to you. So I began to write, and teamed up with the chief nutritionist from the Institute of Child Health to ensure all the recipes were based on nutritional research. That book, which I dedicated to you, eventually became a best-seller, and sold more than 5 million copies worldwide. After that, 46 more books followed, and you’ve been the driving force behind every single one. Natasha, I would never have done any of this if I hadn’t loved and lost you. You were only with me for three months, but you made such a deep impression on my life. I’m so grateful to you for what you’ve given me – a gift of love and passion for my career. When you died, I could only see badness and negativity, I didn’t believe any good could come from it, but it did. You’ve helped millions of parents to feed their children, and keep those children healthy. What a gift. Since you, I’ve been lucky to have three lovely, healthy children – Nicholas, 32, Lara, 30, and Scarlett, 28 – who have all been my saviours. When I look at Lara and Scarlett I sometimes wonder what you would be like as a young woman, and imagine the family dynamic with a girl – you – as the eldest sibling. You never know what happens after death, so I do believe that, one day, I might see you again. For now, though, you’ll live on in my memory and – my first child – will always have a special place in my heart.

Love Mummy x ‘Weaning Made Simple’ by Annabel Karmel is out now (Bluebird, £16.99) July 2020 • happiful.com • 61

How to create a

mindful garden It’s time to sow the seeds of a more sensory natural space Writing | Eliza Nicholas

n today’s world, incredible advances in technology allow us to connect with our loved ones, wherever they are, but that can also come at a cost of feeling overwhelmed by being permanently connected and constantly bombarded with information. But, fortunately, there is no doubt that time spent

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

interacting with nature can be a welcome tonic for the mind and body. Mental health charity Mind explains that spending time in green spaces, or growing food and flowers, can have positive effects on mood, reducing feelings of stress, and helping us to feel more relaxed. If you’re keen to take up gardening, and want to develop a relaxing green space of your own, it can be tricky to know where to start. In order to create an environment that helps you switch off and become more mindful, it’s useful to think about the five senses when planning your space. By considering sound, sight, taste, touch, and smell, you can begin to develop a sensory garden that helps you tune-in to your surroundings, and provides a necessary break from the stressors of daily life.

1. SOUND Natural noises, such as rainfall and birdsong, are recognised as being peaceful and calming. Rather than listening to them via an app, you can easily tune-in to the real thing. Hanging bird feeders in sheltered spots, or placing a bird bath, will encourage and support wildlife numbers. Installing a bubbling water feature will mean gentle background noise in your garden, too. You should also consider that certain plants and trees, such as long grasses and willow, will create peaceful sounds in the wind, and that more dense foliage can help to block out unwanted noise from nearby roads. 2. TASTE Growing plants you can eat is a magical process. It’s hugely satisfying, and allows us to nurture and observe the development from small seeds to kitchen ingredients. Having an ongoing supply of spinach, beans, or salad leaves means you’ll spend less money at the supermarket, and avoid considerable amounts of plastic packaging. You’re also likely to waste less food, having appreciated the delicate growing process. If you’re a tea drinker, then it’s wonderful to grow herbs, such as mint, that can be infused in hot

water for a relaxing brew. You can also research other botanicals that are great for cocktails and decorating cakes. 3. TOUCH Getting your hands dirty in the process of planting and tending to a garden is a mindful practice in itself, but you can also enhance the experience by introducing a patchwork of textures into your space. Try choosing different plants with soft, shiny, waxy, or hairy foliage. A mixture of cobbles and smooth tiles can be used to create pathways and patios in order to provide a range of textures. If you’ve got space, think about incorporating a springy lawn to walk over barefoot, or run your fingers through for an instant connection to nature. 4. SMELL Scent is often the first thing we associate with a garden, given the wonderful fragrance produced by many beautiful flowers. Depending on your preference, you can grow lavender and jasmine for the ultimate relaxing scents. Try roses, sweet peas, or honeysuckle for sensuous summer smells, or citrus fruits and tomato plants for wafts that are zesty and uplifting. Of course, stimulating smells aren’t limited to flowering plants. Autumnal leaves, rich compost, and freshly cut grass are all nostalgic scents that can help ground us, and identify changing seasons. 5. SIGHT When working on a computer, there’s something inspiring and refreshing about a view of trees or other greenery through the

Natural noises, such as rainfall and birdsong, are recognised as being peaceful and calming

window. Create this for yourself at home by transforming your overgrown space or concrete patio into a luscious, green oasis of calm. Of course, colours have a big impact on our mood, so consider this when selecting flowering plants and decor for your garden. Typically, white and purples induce thoughtfulness and reflection, while hot colours, like orange and yellow, are linked with joy and excitement. You can get brilliant glazed terracotta pots, patterned cushions, and even outdoor rugs to add a splash of colour and something special to look at. For truly unique features, try upcycling furniture for your outdoor space. Old wooden drawers or crates can work well for miniature herb gardens, or add an old mirror to elongate your space – whatever will bring a smile to your face. Using the five senses can be a helpful starting point when

creating a special spot for unwinding. However, if you’re still stuck for inspiration, try wandering round other gardens or natural areas, such as woodland. Here you’ll experience plants, materials, sounds, and smells that you can often replicate in your own garden. Just remember, you don’t have to have a large outdoor space in order to feel closer to nature. A conservatory, balcony, or even window box, can be ideal for growing plants, developing your green fingers, and boosting wellbeing.

Eliza Nicholas is the founder of Rocket Garden Design, an initiative prioritising wildlife and wellbeing. Based in London, she helps people discover their green fingers and create spaces that bring them closer to nature. Follow on Instagram @rocket_gardendesign July 2020 • happiful.com • 63

Gaslighting How abusive people create self-doubt in their victims Have you ever been forced to question your version of events? To wonder if your memory is playing tricks – or your own eyes and ears? For victims of gaslighting, the seeds of doubt are sewn deep, but the good news is they can be uprooted Writing | Andrew Pain

he wine was flowing, the dinner party in full swing and, as usual, my wife was holding court. She was describing her experiences undertaking a Postgraduate Certificate in Education, with a work placement on the Isle of Sheppey, when she referenced the local drug abuse issues. “95% of people on the Isle of Sheppey are drug addicts.” I shuddered. This is how things always went. She’d start off with a great story, then take it too far. The people around the table looked at each other in disbelief. No one dared say a word (they never did), and she carried on regardless. Later that evening, I summoned the courage to question her: “Darling, you were in great form last night, but… are you sure about that 95% statistic? It doesn’t sound quite right.” Her glare cut through me. “You pedantic t**t!” My mouth went dry, and my heart was racing. As expected, she’d not taken this well and it was going only one way: rage then violence (it always did). “Why can’t you just enjoy the evening?” She said. “You do this with the kids, always f***g picking at them. Now you want to have a go at me?” I could hear my young daughter crying upstairs, woken again by the shouting – it was all my fault. My wife stormed out the house and I breathed a sigh of relief – at least I didn’t get hit this time, but I’d been stupid for being so

As with many victims of gaslighting, I reached the point where I was struggling to make decisions for myself pedantic. So what if the stat was wrong; it probably wasn’t that far off, right? Gaslighting: in abusive relationships, abusers skilfully take control of your every thought by pouring doubt into your mind, about: • What they said • What you did or said • What the people around you think/thought • Events in the past – “No it didn’t happen like that, it was like this” • Your traits and skills – “No, you’re not talented – you never were” or: “You have some talent, but you’re so arrogant about it”. Bit by bit, the onslaught wears you down and the stories your abuser spins in your mind have two purposes: 1. To ensure that you doubt yourself. 2. To ensure that you trust your abuser completely, and follow their every command. For a victim of gaslighting, it can become harder and harder to speak out, because every negative situation, every problem that arises is twisted to convince you that you’re at fault. And when you hear it enough, you start to believe it, too.

The abuser will often isolate the victim from their friends and family, which makes them all the more reliant on the abuser, with no one to speak up and say that what they’re being told, and how they’re treated, isn’t right. Their support networks crumble away, and it becomes increasingly difficult to break free from the gaslighter’s control. My ex-wife convinced me that my family wanted me to remain as a little boy, and in order to mature, I had to cease contact with them. On the odd occasion when they would still visit, my ex’s behaviour made the situation unbearable and humiliating – making it the more appealing choice to have less contact with us all together. When people would question her behaviour, I became my wife’s greatest excuse-maker to justify it all. “She’s tired.” “The kids are wearing her out.” “She’s working through some stuff.” “She’s under a lot of pressure.” As with many victims of gaslighting, I reached the point where I was struggling to make decisions for myself, out of fear for picking the wrong thing – I lost my confidence and self-esteem, which again keeps victims trapped in this destructive situation. >>>

July 2020 • happiful.com • 65

It’s easier to just hold back your thoughts and feelings, and instead agree with the gaslighter’s ideas and opinions. In my own life, I felt like I’d become a manipulative liar, focused entirely on keeping my wife calm, hiding my mistakes, the kids’ mistakes, forward-planning in absurd detail to out-manoeuvre anything that might go wrong. I had become a control freak, ruled by paranoia and panic, and I no longer trusted my instincts. The term “gaslighting” originated in Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 play, Gas Light, where a manipulative husband drives his wife to insanity by causing her to question what she experienced. Gaslighting takes many forms, from convincing the victim that they have mental health issues or major personality issues, to undermining their confidence and self-esteem. When a victim challenges their behaviour or actions, they are told that they’re over-reacting, are being too sensitive, or always imagining things. When you’re on the receiving end of gaslighting, it’s hard to see beyond it because your abuser knows you – your strengths, weaknesses, and motivations, and will consistently work to keep you unsettled and unsure of yourself, convincing you that you’re making it all up. But you're not – and it’s not your fault. Are you the victim of gaslighting? If in doubt, try to take a step back and see the situation with a clearer perspective. If it was a friend in your shoes, experiencing what you are experiencing, what would you say to them? Would you have serious concerns about what they are going through? 66 • happiful.com • July 2020

Andrew is a TEDx speaker, blogger, domestic abuse campaigner, and co-leads a pilot project to support men caught in domestic abuse. Watch his TEDx Talk on YouTube

• Find someone to talk to who you trust, who is outside the situation. Abusers will isolate their victims so their gaslighting goes unchallenged, but when you talk to someone who can help you see things for what they are, the walls built by the gaslighting abuser become more shaky, eventually tumbling, and the dominance of the abuser folds in on itself. • If you feel it’s safe to do so, having an open conversation with your partner can help to address the issue – they might not be aware of their behaviour. You could try relationship counselling, with an unbiased third party who can help mediate the situation.

• There are numerous places you can go to get support and further information – this behaviour is emotional abuse, so if you are concerned for your safety please do speak to the National Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 2000 247. They can discuss what you’re experiencing, and talk you through how you can address the situation. I am now happily remarried and repaired, with all family relationships restored. There are no mind games now, and living without fear is liberating and wonderful. There is life beyond abuse; the separating and moving forward takes time, and can be challenging, but there is life after abuse.

MYTHS ABOUT EATING DISORDERS

They can all be life-threatening, yet anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating, and similar disorders are often misunderstood – or simply dismissed as ‘a choice’ or attention-seeking. Here we bust the myths surrounding these serious mental illnesses Writing | Sarah Young

ating disorders have the highest mortality rate among psychiatric disorders, with anorexia leading with the highest number of deaths among adolescents. The UK’s foremost charity for eating disorders, Beat, believes that around 1.25 million people in the UK are sufferers, and research from the NHS information centre shows that up to 6.4% of adults display signs of an eating disorder. Rising numbers of inpatient hospital admissions for eating disorders reveal the crisis unfolding before our eyes, and yet so many myths and damaging stereotypes still surround this serious mental illness. As an eating disorder survivor myself, I want to bust 10 of the myths surrounding eating disorders, to break down the stigma and misconceptions, to ensure people can get the support they so desperately need.

1. You have to be thin to have an eating disorder This is perhaps the most pervasive myth surrounding eating disorders. Sensationalist reports in the media often pick the most extreme cases of anorexia nervosa, and show unnecessary images of emaciated people – often young women. We see this so often that many people assume you have to be very thin to have an eating disorder. Yet anorexia only accounts for around 8% of eating disorders. Bulimia accounts for around 19% of eating disorders, binge-eating disorder (BED) for 22%, and the most common eating disorders, OSFED (other specified feeding or eating disorder, formerly known as EDNOS – eating disorder not otherwise specified) accounts for around 47% of cases. There is no weight criteria or guideline for any eating disorder other than anorexia, and most

people with eating disorders are at a normal weight or above. This doesn’t mean that their eating disorders aren’t serious: there are severe medical complications with all eating disorders, regardless of weight. We also have to remember that eating disorders are mental illnesses, and what is going on in people’s heads is not necessarily reflected on the outside. >>> July 2020 • happiful.com • 67

2. The only eating disorder fat people can have is BED This is an utter fabrication, created and perpetuated by our fatphobic society, which sees fat people as over-eaters, when the truth is a lot more complex. Many fat people suffer from restrictive eating disorders, and many thin people suffer from BED. No eating disorder has a ‘look’.

3. Anorexia is the only serious eating disorder This is perhaps one of the most harmful myths, as it means that many people who are very ill are often overlooked by those around them, and can be deterred from seeking or getting help, due to the belief that they are not sick enough. Bulimia is associated with severe medical complications, such as dehydration (which can lead to kidney failure), absent or irregular periods, digestive and bowel issues, severe tooth decay and gum disease, fits and muscle spasms, and heart problems (such as irregular heartbeats or heart failure). OSFED also comes with the risk of dangerous medical complications, such as electrolyte and chemical imbalances, organ failure, osteoporosis, malnutrition, heart disease, and type II diabetes mellitus, and/or gallbladder disease. All eating disorders can be lifethreatening, not only through medical complications, but also because there is an increased risk of suicide. 68 • happiful.com • July 2020

4. Gaining weight means someone has recovered or is better Often when people see someone who has an eating disorder gain weight, they think that they are better, but eating disorders are primarily a mental illness, with often serious secondary physical symptoms. Those with eating disorders can have fluctuations in weight due to recovery attempts, or due to changeable eating

disorder behaviours. It could be that the person gaining weight is in recovery, or has been re-fed in hospital. But while they may be healthier physically, it doesn’t necessarily mean that much has changed mentally. Just because someone looks well, doesn’t mean that their eating disorder isn’t screaming at them inside their head.

5. It’s all about weight On the surface, people with eating disorders fixate on weight, and the disgust they feel about their bodies, but below that are a multitude of driving forces. Trauma can be a catalyst, as can a build-up of smaller negative events or factors. Eating disorders are often about those who have them feeling in control: of their bodies, of their choices, of their lives. It can be about numbing the pain of trauma. It can be about taking up less space, about disappearing. It can be about remaining childlike, to avoid adulthood for a variety of reasons. It can be about becoming unattractive after sexual assault or rape. The triggers for an eating disorder are extremely varied and personal, and go far beyond weight.

6. It’s a choice Eating disorders are severe mental illnesses, and no one chooses to have one. Research suggests that there is a genetic factor in the development of eating disorders, and it appears that a combination of genetic predisposition and environmental factors create the perfect storm for an eating disorder to emerge. With the extensive suffering that they bring to those with eating disorders, and their families and friends, it is absurd to think that anyone would ever choose to have one.

7. It’s for attention Most people with eating disorders go to great lengths to hide their illness, and those who don’t shouldn’t be discouraged from being open by being labelled ‘attention-seeking’. Those who are talking about

their eating disorders have a greater chance of seeking help than those who keep it secret. Eating disorders are not a phase, or a lifestyle choice, and often people who experience them feel a great amount of shame. 9. It’s a diet gone wrong Although dieting can sometimes trigger an eating disorder, eating disorders are not just “a diet gone wrong”. While dieting can negatively impact both physical and mental health, it’s different from having an eating disorder.

10. You can’t recover

8. Men don’t get eating disorders Many people see eating disorders as something that affects young white women, but eating disorders do not discriminate: they affect people of all ages, sexual orientations, ethnicities, socio-economic statuses, and genders. In fact, 25% of people with eating disorders are male, although this could be higher because the stigma means that many men go undiagnosed. Men may tend to be more secretive because of the fear of not being taken seriously, being laughed at, or being seen as weak. No one with an eating disorder should be made to feel ashamed for having one.

Because of the genetic factor, people might think that this could make recovery impossible. This isn’t the case, and although genes do play a part, they are only one factor in the mix. Research suggests that 46% of anorexia patients fully recover, while 33% improve. Research into bulimia suggests that 45% make a full recovery, with 27% improving considerably. After suffering for almost a decade, I made my first tentative steps towards recovery in 2012. I have been in remission for more than five years now. Recovery from an eating disorder is absolutely possible, and although it’s a difficult journey, it’s 100% worth it. Sarah talks about body image, body positivity, and eating disorder recovery, as well as chronic illnesses, on her Instagram @bodypositivepear July 2020 • happiful.com • 69

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To be good, and to do good, is all we have to do – JOHN ADAMS

Photography | Filip Baotic

Dealing with dermatillomania Have you ever had the urge to pick at the skin around your nails, or even found you’ve been doing it unintentionally? The need to pull at your own skin might sound like a bad habit, but it’s actually a compulsion many people struggle with. And the good news is that help is out there for those with dermatillomania Writing | Katie Hoare

ave you ever noticed you’ve done something to physically hurt yourself, but without meaning to? I have. I suffer with dermatillomania, and until recently, I didn’t even know the condition existed. Over the years I simply accepted that this was my bad habit, but as similar disorders come to light – such as the hair-pulling condition trichotillomania – I started to think that maybe there was more to it... What is dermatillomania? Closely related to obsessivecompulsive disorder (OCD), dermatillomania is characterised by the repetitive and compelling act to pick or rub at one’s skin. Not limited to fingers, it can extend

commonly to the face, and often the legs, as in my case. Dermatillomania, skin picking, excoriation disorder – it comes with many names, but for me, it follows one pattern: pick, bleed, shame, anger, pick. Since I can remember, I have picked the skin on my fingers until I’ve caused significant damage. Often, it was a subconscious act, and I wouldn’t even realise I was doing it. It’s not just the soreness that comes with dermatillomania, but the shame, guilt, and frustration that has followed me around for years. I get stuck in a cycle of skin picking, which I’ve personally found is triggered by worry, stress, or anxiety. Motivational hypnotherapist Nicola Menage explains that dermatillomania is often triggered

Dermatillomania is a habit that I have learned, and it’s become part of my life. Habits can be ‘unlearned’ though by a feeling of being out of control, under extreme pressure or stress, and can be rooted in childhood experiences. She recently saw a client who was struggling with constant skin rubbing, that led to sores and consequently feelings of self-consciousness, anxiety and irritability. >>> July 2020 • happiful.com • 71

Often, this urge comes from struggling with negative thoughts that manifest into harmful behaviours “The condition started when the client was working for a high street bank. He reported how he felt self-conscious that customers were judging his competency while he was still learning the complicated procedures and systems. He would rub so hard that he caused his skin to chafe and create red sores that started to bleed. The frequent rubbing of his skin affected his confidence at work, and in social situations when he felt he was put under pressure, or being observed. “During the hypnosis session, it emerged that as a small boy my client became a junior golf champion, and was in 72 • happiful.com • July 2020

competitions from the age of six. His stepfather encouraged his talent, but there was a conflict between them in how to respond under pressure. His stepfather, who was a competition kickboxer, would encourage him to be an ‘aggressive competitor’, which was out of character for the client who was naturally shy, and preferred to be calm and take his time in highpressure situations.” Chloe Kind is also no stranger to dermatillomania, and her condition extends to using tools, and picking the skin on her face. “I pick things that aren’t there. And then before I know it, I’ve made myself bleed.

“For me, it’s worse when I go to bed, and first thing in the morning. I know it’s related to stress, or when I’m nervous, and I think it’s my body’s distraction technique. I can stand for hours picking my hands or face in the mirror before I become aware that this is what I’ve been doing.” And no matter how many times our well-meaning partners gently nudge our hands apart, the picking will continue. “If my husband tries to stop me, it immediately irritates me. Like I haven’t finished the job. I will continue to pick until my mind is satisfied.” Much like Chloe, I have noticed that my skin picking habit has become worse with age. As we grow older, become more independent and take on responsibilities, life-affirming decisions, and even the responsibility of sharing our lives with another, we bring a new sense of weight to our shoulders. This can trigger stress, anxiety and feelings of overwhelm, and naturally, we turn to habits that we have learned in the past when things are tough. In Nicola’s client’s case, it became apparent under hypnosis, that the extreme pressure of the junior golf competitions meant he had to perform outside of his natural calm character, and being under constant observation triggered an anxiety that has stayed with him into adulthood. “He developed an aversion to being observed or put under pressure. He also felt pressure to please his stepfather for his mother’s sake.”

to ya t ho m

How can hypnotherapy help with skin picking? Hypnotherapy can interrupt that familiar urge. By using the power of suggestion when a person is in a deep relaxation or hypnotic state, the therapist can ignite the trigger, and introduce healthy alternatives to replace the urge to pick. With Nicola’s client, hypnotherapy helped to establish a sense of safety and security in everyday life, and high-pressure situations. “We applied certain trigger words and breathing to calm him down. Accompanied with an individual hypnosis suggestion which included direct and indirect subliminal suggestions. “He listens to hypnosis regularly to reinforce feelings of mental and

physical calmness, safety, security and to have the confidence to be himself without feeling constantly under scrutiny. His scratching obsession has significantly decreased, he feels more relaxed in social and work situations.”

How can we stop skin picking? Much like myself, Chloe didn’t know that dermatillomania was a ‘thing’ until she read about a fellow sufferer. “I had just accepted that that was the way I was. It was normal to me. So it provided some comfort that I wasn’t alone.” Chloe says the only method that has curbed her constant picking is having a gel manicure, but even then she’ll find a way around. “Having my nails painted nicely is the only way to stop myself picking my fingers for a few days, but it rarely lasts a week. Then I’ll resort to tools, like my tweezers.” For me, I have to wrap my fingers in plasters so I physically can’t get to them. Gloves are also useful, although they have been an interim solution for me. As I have discovered, dermatillomania is a habit that I have learned, and it’s become part of my life. Habits can be ‘unlearned’ though...

Te chniq u e s

Techniques to try at home For immediate distraction from skin picking, try to: • Keep your hand busy. Use a fidget spinner or any small object that you can busy your hands with. • Use plenty of moisturiser, meaning that your skin is less likely to be dry or have flaky bits to pick. • Cover your hands with gloves. • Cut your nails short so you have less grip on your skin. • Ensure you wash your hands regularly to avoid infection. If you struggle with picking as an automatic response, it’s important to identify your triggers, and the emotions that accompany them. Often, this urge comes from struggling with negative thoughts that manifest into harmful behaviours. Nicola suggests using mindfulness and breathing techniques when you feel the need to pick. This way you can regain control over your breathing, and focus on the calming rhythmic motion of it. “Practise slowly and gently blowing out an imaginary candle – at home, in social situations, on the train.” She notes that to truly recover, it’s important to understand that people aren’t constantly judging you. “Focus on the other person, listen to other people, be present – rather than focusing on yourself and worrying about what people are thinking of you.”

For further support, you can find a hypnotherapist in your local area or who offers online sessions on our Happiful app. You can also speak to a trained counsellor if you’re struggling with the urge to hurt yourself intentionally. July 2020 • happiful.com • 73

6 ways to practise self-love Though times may test us, treating yourself with love and care can make the world of difference to your wellbeing. And for those with additional challenges, such as an illness or disability, it’s not always an easy task – but here we share some tips on how to bring more self-love into your daily life Writing | Anna Gaunt

elf-love undoubtedly plays a key part in our mental health and wellbeing, and it’s easy to see why. Valuing ourselves and our bodies can motivate us to make healthier life choices, such as eating well, engaging in leisure activities that bring us joy, and having healthy relationships. These choices can contribute to greater life satisfaction which, in turn, can improve our overall wellbeing. Still, it’s not always easy to practise self-love, especially when you’re faced with extra challenges, such as an illness or disability. But here we share some tips to help you on your way to your self-love journey... SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU You can’t solely rely on the love of others around you for your own happiness, which is why selflove is so important. However, surrounding yourself with people who love and support you can also

encourage you to love yourself – and shows that you know you deserve that positivity in your life. Keep your biggest fans close – the people who respect you, the people who see your potential, and the people who encourage you to fulfil it. Listen to what these people love about you – instead of dismissing their compliments, take note of them. Try to see yourself through the eyes of people who love and support you. FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN DO, RATHER THAN WHAT YOU CAN’T Everybody has abilities and limitations, but this can seem even more prevalent when you have an illness or disability. Try to focus on the things that you can do, rather than what you can’t. Focus on your ability to see colours, or to breathe fresh air, to make someone else smile, or to dance (even if you’re not very good at it!). Remember that hobbies don’t always have to bring you money or ‘success’. Figure out what it is that you enjoy doing, rather than what others enjoy doing, and do more of it. FORGIVE YOURSELF It’s easy to blame or criticise ourselves when we make mistakes. We often punish ourselves for forgetting to take medication, or not drinking enough water, or other choices that can negatively impact us, especially with an illness or disability. It’s important to remember that nobody is

perfect. To be human is to make mistakes. Forgive yourself as you would forgive those you love. CULTIVATE A POSITIVE SPACE ONLINE It’s well known that social media can have a negative impact on our relationship with ourselves. When you’re only seeing people’s highlight reels, it’s often easy to falsely believe they’re living a perfect life, so it’s no wonder that a survey carried out by disability charity Scope found that 62% of social media users feel inadequate when comparing themselves to other people’s posts. But social media can be an incredibly positive and supportive community, too – it’s just about ensuring you take out the toxicity, and instead fill your feed with inspiration. Unfollow social media accounts that make you feel bad about yourself, and instead follow those that encourage or entertain you. Some great accounts that actively encourage self-love on Instagram include: @bodyposipanda for body positive inspiration; @katieabey for positive self-love slogans; @thetummydiaries, @bryonyehopkins and @sophjbutler for a dose of realness, embracing scars, and food and exercise with an illness or disability. And of course, @daily__hedgehog, because who can’t learn a bit of self-love from those spiky little creatures?

PRACTISE SELF-CARE Practising self-care is not only great for your health, but also great for self-love. Loving yourself is easier when you actively take care of yourself, and nourish your wellbeing. Although, everyone has different needs, so self-care can take various forms. It might be eating healthily or indulging in foods that you enjoy, getting an early night or going out with friends, going for a run or going for a lie down. Listen to what your body needs, and honour it as much as you can. CREATE BOUNDARIES Creating boundaries in our work and social lives is vital to our mental and physical health. Despite this, not all of us do it. Many of us feel guilty for saying no to a work task, or a social event – especially people with an illness or disability, as many of us don’t want to be seen as incapable. But it is important to listen to your physical and emotional needs. Setting limits to protect yourself and your energy from harm is an important part of loving yourself. Whenever you need a little reminder of the importance of self-love, think of this quote from Buddha: ‘You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.’

Anna is a disability activist, and a freelance writer specialising in health and wellbeing.

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You can’t use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have – MAYA ANGELOU

Photography | Joel Wyncott

5 fun activities – you can do at a distance Staying in touch with friends and family has never been more important, so how can you keep things exciting? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

1. DESERT ISLAND DISCS Based on the Radio 4 show that asks guests to pick eight tracks, one book, and one luxury item to keep them entertained while stranded on a desert island – doing your own version is a great way to share the songs that shaped your life, and learn more about your nearest and dearest. Create a group chat, assign one person each night to share their selection, and listen to each track together. You’ll soon be singing along to old favourites, and you may even unearth some new gems. 2. GO ON ‘HOLIDAY’ OK, so real travel is off the cards at the moment, but that doesn’t mean you have to miss out on new experiences. Pick a country for the weekend, and embrace the culture. Look up traditional dishes that you can whip up at home, watch films set in the country, or have a competition to find out who can find the most obscure fact or most interesting tradition. Bon voyage! 3. FAMILY BAKE OFF Bring the uplifting power of the Bake Off into your home by hosting your very own competition. Choose a recipe, and set a time for each household to get baking. Keep up-to-date with how

everyone’s getting on by livestreaming with each other, or share results afterwards, and let the judging commence. And to top it off, you’ll have a freshly baked treat to enjoy. Win-win. 4. SOLVE A MURDER MYSTERY If you want to put your brain to the test, completing a murder mystery is the perfect way to add an investigative element to your remote socialising. Each player is assigned a character, with a factsheet detailing their background, when suddenly, murder occurs! Work together to find clues and discover who the murderer is. Red Herring Games offer a wide selection of virtual murder mysteries to work through. So what are you waiting for? The game is afoot!

5. DRESS UP FRIDAY If pyjamas have become your new uniform in lockdown, just know that you’re not alone. That said, getting dressed up can make us feel fresh and fancy – and we all need a bit of that these days. Across social media, thousands of people are now donning their finest attire for #dressupfriday. We’re talking black-tie, ballgowns, and hair combed to perfection. Why? Because why not. Strut your stuff, and show us what you’ve got.

Living life with

panic attacks When anxiety escalates, we can find ourselves in the midst of a panic attack – which can be a terrifying experience. Here, we share inside tips from someone who’s been there first-hand, on how you can spot your triggers, ride it out, and reclaim control from your panic attacks Writing | Fiona Thomas

aving lived with an anxiety disorder for almost a decade, I’ve experimented with various ways to manage the symptoms. Yoga, meditation, and switching to decaf coffee help me maintain a clear head, but sometimes a panic attack will come out of nowhere. Understandably, some people are so terrified when they have their first panic attack that they end up in the back of an ambulance. But once you’ve had one – or several – it gets easier to sense when one is lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce. I don’t have one specific trigger that causes my panic attacks. In fact, the differing circumstances of each one don’t make much sense at first glance. The first panic attack happened on a train, the next one in the middle of a sports massage. Then I began having them when I worked in a sandwich shop (always when I was cutting cucumber for some reason, that was weird), and the most recent one made an appearance on a long-haul flight from Australia.

It was during that last one, suspended in mid-air, when I had the revelation that everything was going to be OK. Now that I’m isolated in a similar way in my little flat, separated from all my loved ones, I’m counting down the days until my next panic attack makes an appearance. But I’m certain I’ll be ready to ride it out. While this is just my personal experience, here are my thoughts on how I’ve learned to live with the unpredictability of panic attacks. 1 ACCEPT THAT IT’S HAPPENING By the time my most recent panic attack was in full swing, I was trapped. I was 40,000 feet in the air, stuck between two sleeping passengers, and – let’s be honest – where was I going to go? The toilet was more cramped than my seat, and there was literally no other option, so I had to stay put. I normally deal with panic attacks by going outside for fresh air, but with that solution off the cards, I had a moment of clarity. The only way out was through. I was going

Try (and I know this will feel impossible) to remember that the more you push back against a panic attack, the more intense it will become

to have to endure the ‘peak’ of the panic attack for it to naturally ease off on the other side. 2 BELIEVE THAT IT WILL END This inflight epiphany of mine was only possible thanks to my history of panic attacks, so it might be hard for you to truly believe that you’re going to survive. Try (and I know this will feel impossible) to remember that the more you push back against a panic attack, the more intense it will become. Imagine you’re swimming in the sea. Instead of fighting the current, surrender, and let the waves carry you along until calmer waters appear. Most panic attacks last a few minutes.

SPOTTING THE SIGNS: • Racing heart • Feeling faint or lightheaded • Shortness of breath • Sweating • Nausea • Shaking or trembling • Chest pain • Dizziness • Churning stomach • Ringing in your ears • Feeling disconnected from your body • Feeling of dread

way through fear. You can also try reading a magazine, or observing small details around you.

3 REMEMBER THAT IT WON’T KILL YOU Panic attack symptoms vary from person to person. Common ones include chest pain, nausea, increased heart rate, muscle tension, chills, and a fear of dying. For me, it normally starts with a heightened awareness of my breathing, which leads to shortness of breath. As the feeling intensifies, I break out in a cold sweat – I’m drenched head-to-toe in seconds. When the attack peaks, my vision blurs, my ears ring, I get dizzy, and I normally feel like I’ve blacked out for a moment. It feels like I’m about to die, but panic attacks are not dangerous. It’s simply a

misplaced surge of adrenaline, and it will not kill you. Quite the opposite in fact; it’s a normal survival response. 4 DISTRACT YOURSELF During a panic attack, all I want is to be able to catch my breath. But telling myself to ‘breathe deeply’ is a pointless task, because the more I focus on my breathing the more aware I become of every laboured inhale and exhale. No, distracting myself from the breathing always works more effectively. When I was trapped on the plane, I did this by listening to a Sia album. I purposely chose the tracks that I knew all the words to and busied myself by silently lip-synching my

5 KNOW YOUR TRIGGERS You might want to put your panic attack behind you as soon as it’s over, but I would encourage you to think about the circumstances leading up to the attack itself. You may be able to identify one or several factors that could have triggered it. My train panic attack wasn’t due to travel anxiety, it was stress-related because I was in the middle of relocating to a new city. My work panic attacks were due to lack of sleep. And my mid-flight fiasco? I’d grossly overdone it on the Sauvignon Blanc during my trip. Other triggers include health worries, medication, caffeine, low blood sugar, money worries, social anxiety, or relationship problems. Like every mental health concern, talking to a professional might help. Visit counselling-directory.org.uk to find out more about the 13,000 counsellors offering online and telephone support. July 2020 • happiful.com • 79

I DON’T WANT TO SHY AWAY FROM TALKING ABOUT DIFFICULT SUBJECT MATTERS Jack Monroe, award-winning cookery writer and campaigner against hunger and poverty, is still figuring out her ‘new normal’ in 2020. Although she’s experienced some tough times and severe trolling of late, Jack has found a way to turn extreme negativity into personal strength, while testing her professional abilities, and championing good food for bad days... Writing | Lucy Donoughue

hile many people across the UK were busy celebrating the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee and the Olympics back in 2012, Jack Monroe was writing the essay that would mark the beginning of her career in the public eye. Hunger Hurts was an honest and heartbreaking depiction of a single, starving, and suicidal mum living in poverty, and explored the day-to-day struggle of keeping herself and her son fed and healthy, with very little means. Jack’s words resonated with others finding themselves in a

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similar position, and during the eight years that have followed, she’s developed the popular budget recipe website Cooking on a Bootstrap, regularly speaks on poverty and austerity issues, and supports the Trussell Trust food bank charity. She’s now also in the process of writing her seventh cookery book, to sit alongside her other titles including Tin Can Cook, Vegan(ish), and A Girl Called Jack. Jack’s most recent offering, Good Food, Bad Days, What to Make When You’re Feeling Blue, is possibly the one book that everyone should buy right now. Part-memoir, part recipe book, it

offers up thoughts on how to feed yourself when you’re feeling at your lowest ebb, with Jack sharing her own experiences with mental illness throughout – as well as comforting, lifting, and soothing recipes including marmite, honey and peanut butter popcorn, jaffa cake mug cake, chicken porridge, and lemon curd ice cream. However, the launch of Good Food, Bad Days didn’t go strictly to plan, with the coronavirus lockdown and mass cancellations of events, drastically changing Jack’s professional landscape, and eradicating all work bookings from her diary.

“In the first period of lockdown, I lost the equivalent of a year’s salary in the space of two days,” Jack explains. This loss of security around future income triggered some deep anxieties. “I live under the spectre of poverty all the time,” she says. “It dogs me. I just wish it would leave me alone now, but there’s always that niggling fear that what I do isn’t permanent – there’s no ongoing contracts or weekly regular work. Every job has to be treated like it’s the last one I’m ever going to get, and I have to give it my absolute best shot.” Jack never takes anything for granted and, like so many of us, looked to diversify what she could do in lockdown in order to keep afloat. She sold photography, and then received a call about cohosting a TV show. Daily Kitchen Live, a two-week BBC One morning cooking show, was a both a financial lifeline and a ray of sunshine at what had begun to feel like a very grey period for Jack. She’s deeply grateful the opportunity came along. “I adored every second of it!” she shares. “I learned so much through that show, and grew in confidence. All the things I thought I couldn’t do – like copresent and read an autocue – all the things I’ve made excuses about to production companies for years, I had to do.” The programme was a huge success, bringing in 1.6 million viewers. The achievement was a big one for Jack, who lives with severe adult ADHD and is autistic, which, she says, can sometimes have an impact on what she feels able to do, and how she can be perceived by others. >>>

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Photography | Patricia Niven

“Having ADHD means I approach everything full-throttle; I throw myself into what I’m doing, and then can about-turn weeks later and change my mind,” Jack explains. “Being in the public eye, it’s a difficult personality trait for people to get their heads around.” Jack regularly talks about personal experiences like this, as well as her depression, anxiety, and what it’s like to live with chronic pain. Good friends of hers have advised her in the past not to give so much of herself away when it comes to what she shares online, as they worry that exposing her perceived vulnerabilities could give critics and trolls ammunition. “It’s quite hard though,” Jack reflects. “When you’ve spent eight years spilling your guts out on the internet, to suddenly decide to scoop them up and put them back inside yourself one day. It’s just who I am. I don’t want to shy away from talking about difficult subject matters, even if it is to my own detriment. I often say to friends and family, ‘I’m not a bag of Liquorice Allsorts, you can’t just pick the ones you like, you either take the entire packet or you leave the bag on the shelf.” It’s understandable that those close to Jack want to protect her from online abuse, as the impact can be so severe. In the weeks before we speak, Jack’s hair began to fall out, she thinks in response to stronger medication, and a period of personal and professional stress. She now has a glorious buzz cut (her sixth time shaving her head completely), and is rocking it.

I’m not a bag of Liquorice Allsorts, you can’t just pick the ones you like, you either take the entire packet or you leave the bag on the shelf Part of the stress may well have been her recent issues with social media – but Jack hopes she’s found the sweet spot in managing this, after enduring a slew of online spite and hate. “I recently got to the point where I was being harassed and bullied quite badly, and I had to make a decision as to whether to involve the police and lawyers,” she reveals.

“I would get up in the morning and read everything mean that was being said about me, and use that as something to flagellate myself with, and prop up the negative thoughts I have about myself. It became a compulsion, I had to see what was being said.” Jack made a conscious decision to delete all social media apps, and has replaced scrolling with exercise. “I hate exercise though!” she laughs. “I’m naturally a sloth-like person when I’m not bouncing around the kitchen. But now, instead of scrolling, I go on the rowing machine, or if I find myself thinking about mean things that have been said about me, I’ll literally stop and do 50 crunches, or go to lift some weights.

“It’s stopped me from going down a rabbit hole of negative self-talk, and burns off the rage. It releases endorphins, and distracts me.” Jack says that as well as the mental benefits, it has changed her in other ways. “I’m physically fitter than I’ve been at any time in my life. I’ve literally taken that external negative talk, and turned it into my own personal strength.” ‘Good Food For Bad Days: What to Make When You’re Feeling Blue’ by Jack Monroe, with foreword by Matt Haig (Bluebird, £7.99)

JACK'S RECALIBRATION SUPPER (ve) 4 PORTIONS • 2 large onions, or 240g frozen sliced onions • 6 fat cloves of garlic, or 2 tbsp garlic paste • 1 large leek, or 140g frozen sliced leeks • 1 large carrot, or 1 x 300g tin sliced or baby carrots • Oil, for frying • 1 x 400g tin of borlotti beans • 400ml chicken or vegetable stock • 1 x 400g tin of chopped tomatoes • 1 tbsp wine or cider vinegar • 200g kale, spinach or other dark leafy greens, finely chopped • Salt and pepper, to taste The veg in this bowl can be changed to suit whatever you have in the fridge or cupboard at the time, so long as the quantities of each remain roughly the same. You can swap the carrots

for potato, parsnip, squash or any other sturdy root vegetable; the greens for finely shredded cabbage or leafy greens, any beans, any grains; and the onions and leeks are interchangeable. It’s more of a formula for a bowl of balanced goodness than a prescriptive recipe. I make a version of this depending on whatever I have to hand, always slightly different but comfortingly familiar, and packed with vitamins and gentle nutrition. It’s my pickme-up after any period of illness or exhaustion, and it’s popular with the whole family. I call it our ‘recalibration supper’, but it’s good for any time of day. It can be eaten cold over pasta with cheese on top, but it’s best served hot and by the largest bowl you can find. • First peel and finely slice your onions or measure out the frozen onions. Add the onion

– in whatever guise – to a large nonstick pan. Peel your garlic and halve it lengthways, then add to the pan, or add the paste. Thinly slice your leek and carrot and add those too, or chuck in the ready sliced veg. Drizzle over a little oil, and season with salt and pepper. Cook over medium heat for 5–6 minutes to start to soften. • Drain and thoroughly rinse the beans and tip into the pan. Pour over the stock and bring to the boil. Reduce to a simmer, then stir in the tomatoes and vinegar. Cover and simmer over low heat for 15 minutes, until thick and glossy. Toss in the greens and wilt for 30 seconds (spinach) to a few minutes (kale and spring greens). • Serve warm with bread and butter, torn up and dunked. • Keeps well in the fridge for up to 3 days. Can be frozen for up to 3 months. Defrost completely and reheat through before serving.

July 2020 • happiful.com • 83

HAPPIFUL TOP 10

July

Find joy in the little things. Listen to the podcast bringing families together, explore the beauty in your local area, and discover the app that helps you express yourself through music

PAGE-TURNERS How Do We Know We’re Doing It Right?: Essays on Modern Life

PUT ON A SHOW Karaoke night

Although we may not be able to visit the traditional karaoke bar, we can still sing our hearts out and put on a show. Join together with your household, or a group of friends over Zoom, and belt out your favourite tunes. You may not be pitch perfect, but singing can do wonders to lift your spirits. (Find the lyrics to your song choice at youtube.com)

Modern life is full of choices. But how do we know what our best life looks like? And what if we get it wrong? Journalist Pandora Sykes explores the questions, anxieties, and agendas that consume our lives, to help us find our own path to contentment.

LEND US YOUR EARS ‘The Good Stuff with Deborah James’

Brought to you by award-winning podcaster Deborah James, and her two children Eloise and Hugo, ‘The Good Stuff’ is here to help families stay positive while staying inside. Deborah and her kids investigate research on all things positive, and share good news sent in by people at home, as well as stories from around the world. (Listen to the podcast on iTunes and Spotify)

(Out 16 July, Cornerstone, £14.99)

PLUGGED-IN

OUT AND ABOUT

Lionel and Lilo the Hedgehogs

Wonderful walks

With many of us taking advantage of our hour outdoors to go on a walk, you may have found a new love for rambling. Now we can safely venture a little further afield, you might be looking for new surroundings to explore. The Ramblers share hundreds of walking routes around the UK, to help you enjoy the great outdoors. (To find a walk near you, visit ramblers.org.uk)

Did you know hedgehogs can smile? Lionel and Lilo are proof they can! These spiky but sweet hedgehogs will bring a prickly handful of positivity to your Instagram feed with their uplifting captions and cute photos. (Follow @lionelthehog on Instagram)

The Litte Box of Positivty | Instagram: @summersdalepublishers, Lottie Murphy | Instagram: @lottiemurphy_, Lionel | Instagram: @lionelthehog

TECH TIP-OFFS Cove: music for your mental health

Music can be a great tool to help us express our emotions. Listed on the NHS app library, Cove helps encourage self-expression when you are struggling to talk about how you feel. You can pick a mood, then tap to add chords, melodies or percussion. Let your creativity flow.

THE CONVERSATION Samaritans Talk To Us

Samaritans are there for anyone who needs someone to listen, every day of the year. In July, Samaritans branches across the UK and Ireland hold events to raise awareness of the services they offer in their communities. Show your support and thank them for being there. (July 2020, get involved at samaritans.org)

(Download from the App Store)

Pilates with Lottie Murphy

The A Word

Now in the beginning of it’s third series, The A Word follows Joe Hughes, a 10-year-old who is autistic. The series gives an insight into complicated relationships, as Joe and his family discover their version of ‘normal’. (Available on BBC iPlayer)

GET GOING

SQUARE EYES

If you’re looking for a change from the usual fast-paced workout, pilates is a great alternative. Lottie Murphy shares video classes to help you relax, unwind, and develop strength and flexibility. (Search Lottie Murphy on youtube.com)

TREAT YOURSELF

The Little Box of Positivity There are times we can all use a little pick-me-up. The Little Box of Positivity contains 52 beautiful cards of uplifting quotes and inspiring affirmations to brighten your day. Spread the happiness by sharing the words on your card with a friend. (£12.99, view the full range at summersdale.com) Win The Little Box of Positivity! For your chance to win, simply email competitions@happiful.com with your answer to the following question: What date is the International Day of Happiness? a) 17 February b) 20 March c) 30 July Competition closes 16 July. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!

WIN!

THE HAPPIFUL PODCAST

SHAHROO IZADI

FEARNE COTTON GRACE VICTORY

MEGAN CRABBE

JAMIE WINDUST FIONA LAMB

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Listen to conversations with Shahroo Izadi, Fearne Cotton, Megan Crabbe, Jamie Windust and many others who share their passions, and reveal the moments that shaped them

Megan Crabbe | Joseph Sinclair

I am. I have

TRUE LIFE

When love becomes an unbearable burden A father tells, for the first time, how he struggled to come to terms with his child’s non-binary sexuality, depression, and suicidal impulses – and how their journey to understanding showed him how to become a better parent Writing | S Suresh

“

ou two created this beautiful miracle with the help of God!” exclaimed a stranger, looking at our fourmonth-old, Kav, in 2002. That miracle of ours, who recently turned 18, tried to take their life earlier this year. This is the story of how Kav was pushed to that brink, and my journey coming to accept Kav’s gender identity, and mental illness. I hope what I share for the first time here, will help others. As a child, Kav was happy, sociable, and a joy to be with. How then, in the span of a decade, could they be diagnosed with depression and anxiety? The three years of middle school turned out to be

some of the worst in Kav’s life. Kav was, and still is, a deeply caring, empathetic person. Middle school girls can be mean when they gang up against a “goody two shoes” child. The very qualities we cherish came to be Kav’s nemesis with a clique of girls. Kav withdrew into a shell – being present, but not visible. In a small class of about 20, Kav’s drama teacher included everybody in a play, but forgot to cast Kav. That insensitive act, the inability to fit in or create meaningful friendships, and the bullying, chipped away at Kav’s self-confidence. To this day, they are working on reclaiming their sense of self.

Around the same time, Kav was questioning their gender identity and sexuality. I vividly recall 12-year-old Kav saying: “Appa, I don’t feel that way about boys… the way I am supposed to…” While I didn’t dismiss Kav’s feelings, I failed to give it importance or understand that it was one of the reasons they were bullied. None of this affected Kav’s academic performance, which met my expectations as a father. Kav also secured admission to two private high schools, neither of which they were keen on attending. Kav picked the school of my choice, presumably yielding to pressure from me.

The summer before high school, Kav cut themselves for the first time. On the advice of a friend of ours, Kav started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. That my child preferred discussing their troubles with strangers was difficult for me to digest. Within six months, Kav started taking antidepressants. I hated the idea of my child needing medication for mental illness, but hoped that Kav would quickly be weaned off them. I also thought high school would be different, and that with therapeutic help, Kav would bounce back to normal. But in the end, neither came to pass. >>> July 2020 • happiful.com • 87

Depression is a brutal ailment… It is like rot that steadily eats away at a wooden platform causing it to collapse one fine day, without warning, at the lightest of touches In August 2016, during a regular therapy session, Kav’s therapist called me into the room. I knew something was amiss as soon as I walked in. Kav had cut themselves with an intent to end their own life. I was devastated. Kav saw the deep agony in my face as their therapist discussed what happened. She advised additional treatment in the form of an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). That week was one of the worst of our lives. We had to process the fact that our child had taken their suicidal thoughts to the next level. By not acknowledging the suicide attempt, I naively tried to will the problem away, while Kav developed a deep sense of guilt for putting us through this. The weight of being a burden likely 88 • happiful.com • July 2020

played a significant role in Kav’s behavior, as they tried to show us a happier version of themselves while continuing to suffer in silence. The IOP program provided Kav with additional coping skills. Kav met other high school students in similar situations, and had an opportunity to interact with some of them in a safe setting, allowing them to make friendships among kindred souls. Kav continued to explore gender identity, and at one point declared they were “gender fluid, biromantic, and asexual”. I was completely lost in that complicated definition. During this time, Kav found solace in reading young adult fiction. They started a YouTube channel, xreadingsolacex, where they review books, and

discuss their gender identity and mental illness. The year that followed actually felt normal, making me believe that we may have seen the worst. I was foolish to underestimate the vicious nature of depression and its continued grip on Kav. Kav graduated in 2019 with good grades, but only due to a superhuman effort. Kav told me: “It takes twice or thrice the effort for someone with depression to accomplish the same task compared to someone like you.” I heard what Kav said, but never listened. After graduation, Kav enrolled in a local community college. I was relieved that Kav chose to continue their higher education. However, community college did nothing to improve Kav’s depression.

Kav cut themself again, just before Christmas. They shared this with us in January. Sitting together as a family, we worked on improving the strained lines of communication, and things started looking up. Then came the fateful Monday in February when Kav overdosed. How did Kav come to a point of absolute hopelessness, where they felt this was the only option they had? Depression is a brutal ailment that saps the will of a person, one happy strand at a time. It is like rot that steadily eats away at a wooden platform causing it to collapse one fine day, without warning, at the lightest of touches. It is hard to identify one specific cause for Kav’s breakdown. Friends and family who carelessly misgendered them frustrated Kav for not

I am doing my best to give up my biases around mental illness, and re-learn everything about depression. I am learning to untether my burdensome love for my child

respecting who they really are. The drama teacher who forgot to cast Kav, and the high school principal who pitied them for being an atheist, both failed Kav. The bullies who damaged their self-esteem. Tellingly, I failed Kav as a dad through my own inadequacies. I failed to willingly acknowledge Kav’s gender identity. I underestimated the gravity of their mental illness. It was I who named them Kavya, a beautiful word that means poetry in Tamil. When they wanted to be known as Kav, I ought to have realised that a name is but a gift parents give their child; that the child should have the freedom to change it if the gift does not work for them. Everything I did for Kav stemmed from my abundant love. I realise today that my love must have felt stifling, with

OUR EXPERT SAYS

conditions attached to it. I failed to have the sagacity to realise good parenting goes beyond providing a good education. Kav is exceptionally gifted, and has much to contribute to the world. Their considered views on social justice, gender equity, and proper representation, demonstrate wisdom far above their age. Currently, Kav is in a Partial Hospitalisation Program and getting personalised treatment and I am fervently hopeful that they will

heal. Their recovery may not be linear, but I am optimistic. Kav’s therapist said: “What was, and is, cannot be”. It is a deeply insightful message, but not just for Kav. I am no longer skirting the issue; instead I am doing my best to give up my biases around mental illness and re-learn everything about depression. I am learning to untether my burdensome love for my child. And I stand ready to support my non-binary lesbian child, unconditionally.

S Suresh’s story is one of bravery. It is always difficult to watch someone we love struggling with depression. We want to fix them. And having a child who has suicidal tendencies brings up so many feelings – especially guilt, as parents wonder if this is their fault. Love though, is never a burden. We just need to be aware of when our desire for a child to get well might add to the pressure they are feeling. Giving someone space when we want to be constantly by their side, is possibly the most generous yet challenging act of all. Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach July 2020 • happiful.com • 89

Mental health matters

Mental health matters to me because… with everything going on in the world right now, it’s very easy to fall into a hole of depression. Being a disabled woman, I’ve had to work hard to not let bad thoughts bring me down. Helping your mental health is just as important as working out your body for physical health. I first became interested in cosplay when… I went to a convention in California called Anime Expo. Cosplay was definitely not as big when I was in high school in 2003, so when I went to this event for the first time, and saw the few who did actually dress up, I was astonished! It was such an amazing way to bring the characters we all love to life, and I was instantly hooked. I always had a love for dressing up, especially for Halloween. Cosplay gives me an opportunity to dress up without it having to be a special holiday.

Follow Amber on Instagram @amber_kohaku_chan

When I am in cosplay I feel… empowered and strong. It allows me a chance to escape what is going on with me physically because of my illness, muscular dystrophy. When I have people come up to me and say that they love my cosplay, and that they want to try it too, that really motivates me to continue on this journey. When I finish a complicated costume, it shows me that I am not as weak, physically or mentally, as this illness wants me to feel.

keep me feeling like I can accomplish anything I put my heart into.

When I need support I… thankfully have a wonderful husband and his family by my side. They help me each day, not only with my illness but with my happiness too. They have been with me through thick and thin, and I couldn’t ask for a better support system. I also have an amazing group of supporters on my Instagram page cheering me on with my everyday life. They are an outstanding group of creative people who share their love of costume and fashion with me. Their comments

The moment I felt most proud of myself was… last year at Anime Expo. I was an invited guest to this event that I’d admired for so long. There were tons of amazing people who also had disabilities, who came all the way to see me, and told me how much I have helped them with their struggles. It showed me that I had a strong voice in this huge community, and helped me to realise that I was able to help others, like me, who struggle with their physical disabilities.

Three things I would say to someone struggling are… • We need these times of hardship to show us how good the great times can be. • The closer you get towards your goals, the more you will discover how amazing you really are, and that is something no one can take from you. • Never be afraid to cry.

Photography | Martin Guzman, @thedga

Artist, designer, and cosplayer Amber Guzman’s world is full of colour and creativity. But life with muscular dystrophy isn’t always easy. Here, she shares her tips to tackling the difficult days, and how she finds empowerment in dressing up as her favourite characters

Photography | Caique Silva

“

You can cut all the f lowers but you cannot keep spring from coming

December 2018 • happiful • 91 – PABLO NERUDA

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Happiful July 2020

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