Heart's DeLight: Counselor Training Manual

2018 Christ-Centerd Biblical Counselling: Basic Counselling Skills Training & Heart’s Delight: a Way to Wellness

Compiled & written by:

Hanlie Wentzel

Baobab Consulting

079 877 8678 hanlie.baobab@gmail.com www.baobabtherapy.com

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TABLE OF CONTENT 1. Introduction: Christ-Centred Biblical Counselling 2. Basic Counselling Skills Training SECTION 1: FOUNDATIONS 1.1 Our Authority, Responsibility, Help and Reward 1.2 The Seven Fundamentals Fundamental 1 Fundamental 2

SECTION 2: THE CLIENT 2.1 Fundamental 3: Who is he/she?

SECTION 3: CRISIS COUNSELLING 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.4

Definition of a crisis.

Fundamental 6: The Phases of a Crisis.

Fundamental 7: The Steps to Crisis Intervention.

Fundamental 4: Qualities of an effective helper.

SECTION 4: CONNECTING WITH CLIENTS 4.1 4.2 4.3 4.4 4.5

Setting realistic counselling goals.

Connecting with clients.

Counsellor obstacles to connecting.

Tips for connecting.

Client obstacles to connecting.

SECTION 5: COMMUNICATION SKILLS 5.1 The nature of communication.

5.2 Fundamental 5: The RIGHT communication skills.

5.2.1 Reflective listening 5.2.2 Interpretive listening 5.2.3 Good questions 5.2.4 Helpful feedback 5.2.5 Tender confrontation 5.3 Counsellor Self-Evaluation Form.

SECTION 6: EVANGELISM 6.1 6.2 6.3 6.4 6.5

What is Evangelism?

Obstacles to Evangelism.

Looking for the teachable moment Spiritual Awareness Chart.

Evangelism in Crisis Situations

SECTION 7: OTHER IMPORTANT INFO 7.1 Vocabulary of Affective Adjectives 7.2 The Drama Triangle

3. Heart’s Delight: Heart Matters: a Way to Wellness

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Introduction: CHRIST-CENTERED BIBLICAL Counselling Dear Disciple of Jesus, This Training Manual is by no means comprehensive, I cannot and do not claim to have all the answers. All I can say is that I am a disciple of Jesus, a seeker of Truth and Silences. As I grow in my own understanding and revelation of the Gospel of Peace this manual will be ever growing and maturing, just as I grow and mature in Christ.

“A seeker of Silences am I, And what great treasure have I found in Silences, That I may disperse with confidence.” – K. Gibran

Then the angel showed me the river of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month.

And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. - Rev. 22: 1-2 The Baobab tree of Africa is known as the Tree of Life. It symbolises tolerance, longevity and endurance. It has been used for centuries as a meeting place for communities. The African Baobab is deciduous and some are thousands of years old.

The Baobab tree stores water, large Baobab trees are said to contain more than 7 925 litres of water. It is a life saving source for local nomadic people during drought seasons.

The Baobab tree's leaves has many medicinal uses and healing properties. The fruit of the Baobab tree are also a source of food, it is high in vitamin C and calcium.

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2 Trees: The Tree of Knowledge vs. The Tree of Life

Potter’s Vessel "And the vessel He made of clay was marred in the hand of the Potter, so He made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the Potter to make." - Jer. 18:4 "Because My people have forgotten Me, they have burned incense to worthless idols (Idols of the Heart) and they have caused themselves to stumble in their ways, from the Ancient Paths, to walk in Pathways, and not on a Highway." - Jer. 18:15

Tree of Knowledge

Tree of Life

SOUL-VESSEL

SPIRIT -VESSEL

- pride - strive - works to be loved - jealousy - bitter envy - judgement

- humility - serve - works to give love - selflessness - blessing - grace

= RELIGION: constant renovations of the soul (mind/thoughts, emotions/feelings, will/works): I am trying to make myself good enough for God.

= FAITH: I decrease, God increase.

Christ in me, the hope of Glory.

Righteous in Christ, "For in the Gospel, a righteousness which God ascribes is revealed, both springing from faith and leading to faith." - Rom.1:17

I am ruled by: - my thoughts - my feelings - my will

I am ruled by: - His thoughts (PEACE) - His feelings (JOY) - His will (HOPE)

Glory to Self

Glory to God

The Answer: DIE to Self

The Answer: ALIVE in Christ

You cannot teach what you do not know. You cannot give what you do not have. How can you be a Spirit-vessel and draw Living Waters from your Inner Well?

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You are God’s vessel, created to contain His glory In your natural state (your default position), your vessel’s content is your SOUL: your own thoughts, feelings/emotions, will/works/plans. You first have to empty the Vessel of its Soul-content and allow God to fill the Vessel with His Spirit-content. You cannot do this, let me say that again: YOU CANNOT DO THIS. God does it through the working of the Holy Spirit in your heart.

You have to learn to pour out your soul before God. Picture yourself as a vessel, filled with a Soul, as if you are pouring out the Soul-content of your vessel in His loving presence. Always keeping in mind that you are accepted in the Beloved, just as you are, He delights in you and will quiet you with His love. In your Secret Place (Quiet Time) when you meet with God, pour out your heart before Him. Or any time of the day, any place or situation, when you connect with God and ask Him to fill you to overflowing.

Firstly your Emotions, you cannot receive from Him when you are in turmoil, feeling stressed, overwhelmed and consumed by your emotions. Talk to God, and tell Him what you are feeling. As you are just pouring it out before Him, you will feel a release as you voice your feelings and give it to God. Secondly pour out your Thoughts before God. Put on the Helmet of Salvation and the Mind of Christ.

Ask Him to expose any Lies of the Enemy of your Soul, make no agreements with these lies but exchange them for God’s Truth, especially about your Identity, who you are in Christ and also about other people in your life and your circumstances, trials, mountains and desert places. Thirdly pout out your Will before God, your own plans for a way out. Ask Him to reveal His will to you. Lay down your own will and plans. Wait on Him. Wait on Him. Wait on Him. Know that His thoughts are higher that our thoughts, and His ways are higher than our ways. Choose to Trust Him. The Lover of your Soul and the Lifter of your Head.

Once you have poured out all that you are and contain before Him. Ask Him to fill you, His vessel, with His feelings, thoughts and will.

God is the Potter, we are the Clay.

He is forming us, shaping us, to contain His glory.

To become Christ-like. A Christ Container. A vessel of honor.

“Arise (from the depression and prostration in which circumstances have kept you – rise to a new life)!

Shine (be radiant with the glory of the Lord), for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. For behold darkness shall cover the earth, and dense darkness (all) peoples, but the Lord shall arise upon you, and His glory shall be seen on you.” – Is. 60:1,2 (Ampl) The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed and qualified me to preach the Gospel of good tidings to the meek, poor, and afflicted; He has sent me to bind up and heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the (physical and spiritual) captives and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to those who are bound.

To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord (the year of His favor) and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn.

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To grant (consolation and joy) to those who mourn in Zion – to give them an ornament (a garland or diadem) of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment (expressive) of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit – that they may be called oaks of righteousness (lofty, strong and magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and right standing with God), the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. – Is. 61: 1-4 (Ampl) Who is this Who comes from Edom, with crimson-stained garments?

This One Who is glorious in His apparel, striding triumphantly in the greatness of His might?

It is I (the One) Who speaks righteousness (proclaiming vindication), mighty to save!

Why is your apparel splashed with red, and Your garments like one who treads in the winepress? …For the day of vengeance was in My heart, and My year of redemption (the year of My redeemed) has come. – Is. 63:1-4 (Ampl) God has already deposited everything you need for salvation, healing and freedom in your spirit. For the God of the Universe, in all His might, splendor and glory dwells in you, so let His Kingdom come.

Draw from your spirit the Living Water. For God promises that from your innermost being will flow Rivers of Living Water, to refresh, cleanse, heal and restore you. Let God fill you, His vessel, with Living Water. For yourself, and also to overflow to others, that He may be glorified.

But the Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name (in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf), He will teach you all things.

And He will cause you to recall (will remind you of, bring to your remembrance) everything I have told you.

Peace I leave with you; My (own) peace I now give and bequeath to you.

Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. (Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled).

Go with Holy Spirit and go with peace. Always remember to be sensitive to His guidance. Always remember that Holy Spirit is first and foremost the counselor, not you. Do not interfere with God’s path and plan for another beloved disciple of Jesus. Every disciple of Jesus is following Him and walking hand in hand with Jesus.

All that you need to do as the counselor is to walk with them a little of the way. To listen with the person what Jesus is saying to them, help them to open their spiritual eyes and ears to see and hear God. For all God’s children can hear His voice. Just LISTEN and speak the TRUTH in LOVE. You can never make decisions for that person, or force them to follow your advice, you can’t walk their path for them.

Never intrude, be invited.

Never overpower, but comfort.

Never manipulate, but support.

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Christ-centered Biblical Counseling – The Way, The Truth & The Life BIBLICAL COUNSELING PRESUPPOSITIONS I. God, who made all things, exists and He alone, as the creator of all things, interprets the meaning of things and events. Being created in the image of God, we know that we are dependent on God for the truth. As sinners we suppress this knowledge and reinterpret the universe on the basis that we give all things and events their meaning. Special revelation, which not only informs us but, is also redemptive, is needed to deal with our hostile suppression of the truth. We will hear this redemptive word, the gospel of Christ, only as the Holy Spirit of God brings us to repentance and faith.

II. The whole counsel of God concerning all things necessary for his own glory, man’s salvation, faith and life, is either expressly set down in Scripture, or by good and necessary consequence may be deduced from Scripture: unto which nothing at any time is to be added, whether by new revelation of the Spirit or traditions of men.

III. Biblical counselors recognize that the chief understanding of change in those who are professed believers must be grounded in the doctrine of sanctification. If conformity to the image of Jesus Christ is not the central goal of change then change itself must be viewed as merely superficial as it falls desperately short of Biblical transformation. Any system of psychology, “Christian” or otherwise, that fails to acknowledge and operate according to this supposition cannot by nature be categorized as Biblical counseling.

IV. The chief aim of counseling non-believers is that they would be evangelized by the Gospel of Christ so that the fundamental change necessary for their life might occur.

V. Biblical counselors believe that the primary element of transformation is not inherent in man, but is given to him by God in the form of grace. Grace always propels individuals towards holiness, goodness, godliness, and righteousness. Without such grace, authentic soul change within the counseling process is unattainable.

VI. Biblical counselors view human experience as always transpiring within the realm of God’s sovereignty. A believer’s suffering (physical or emotional) should not be viewed as arbitrary, but purposeful as it provides a context in which the Holy Spirit equips, empowers, and encourages people to live Christ in all things. Counseling that ignores the sovereignty of God in all circumstances is human-centric as it ultimately seeks to make sense of existential reality independent of the greater reality of God’s divine purposes.

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VII. All people need the counsel of God, which stands in direct contrast to the counsel of our own hearts, counsel of the world, and counsel of others who are conveying the wisdom of man rather than the wisdom of God. God’s wisdom is fundamentally different and antithetical to man’s wisdom. We receive counsel from God through His Word as the Holy Spirit illuminates and reveals truth. We receive/provide true counsel from/to others only as the counsel is shaped by and accurately reflects the counsel of God. Biblical counselors know that Scripture alone stands sufficient in providing a comprehensive understanding of the psychology of man and they do not mix or “integrate” any other false psychologies with the truth of God’s word.

VIII. Biblical counselors view human struggle from a model of depravity rather than a model of deprivation. Theoretical approaches that are built upon a deprivation model assume an individual’s emotional/mental condition is the direct consequence of unmet psychological needs, poor socialization, genetic predisposition, or emotional wounds. Such a view inherently classifies the human heart as neutral and/or passive. Biblical counselors, however, stress a model of depravity, and recognize the active, perpetual, and intentional influence of the law of sin on the heart of Man. Depravity is viewed as having an active role in thinking, emotion, perception, and living. This depravity always moves individuals away from God and towards self-indulged, self-seeking, and self-absorbed ways of living. Properly understood, the flesh is the greatest enemy with which an individual must contend within life and the counseling process.

IX. Biblical counselors recognize that individuals who have been reconciled to God by faith are considered perfectly righteous “in Christ” as a result of the finished work of the Cross. Such individuals have been given a new nature that is being divinely transformed by grace and through the power of the Holy Spirit. Therefore, a significant aspect of counseling resides in helping believers in the Lord, Jesus Christ recognize their proper identity as saints of the living God. As such, ultimate evidence of human change resides in God’s finished work as understood in the Gospel, and does not ultimately rest in modern psychological constructs such as symptom relief, sobriety, marital harmony, etc.

X. Biblical counselors seek to reflect the love, compassion, kindness, gentleness, and patience of Jesus Christ. They are called to be quick to listen, to encourage the timid and the weak, and to speak the truth in love. Should confrontation or rebuke be necessary, it should be done in a spirit of humility, remembering that authority to do so is not given based upon status, ability, or credentials, but because God’s grace alone has permitted them to speak such truth as His ambassadors and servants of the Kingdom.

XI. Joyful living develops as people learn to live with a reverent fear of God, not by training counselees to place more trust and confidence in themselves. The secular concept of self-esteem stands in direct opposition to the “dying to self” message of the Gospel.

XII. Biblical counselors submit themselves and their counsel under the authority of the Church and it’s leadership. They seek to involve pastors/elders in the process of counseling as deemed necessary

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and appropriate by God’s Word. This would include areas such as support, discipleship, and church discipline.

XIII. If thinking, behavior, or emotions are classified as symptoms or “disorders” according to secular models of psychology, but are classified as sin according to Scripture then Biblical counselors are wise to address such thinking, behavior, or emotions according to a Biblical understanding while using Biblical terminology. This should always be done with an appropriate understanding on the part of the counselee as to the nature of sin, and how it contributes to their current issue(s). An emphasis on confession and living repentantly before God is essential. God’s grace should also be stressed as to avoid a legalistic or “self-help” mentality that would only serve to exacerbate a counselee’s presenting problem(s).

XIV. Biblical counselors seek to radiate the joy of living a Christ-centered life. A dependence on God in prayer is a vital aspect of their lives and ministries. They seek to conduct themselves in a manner that brings glory and honor to God. They earnestly follow the same precepts of Scripture that are evident in their own counsel to others.

Consider the following verses: Hebrews 12:7-11, I Corinthians 10:31, Ephesians 4:22-24, I Peter 4:1-2, James 1: 2-4, Romans 8:28-29, James 4:1-8, 2 Timothy 4:2, Romans 15:14, Galatians 6:1, 1 Timothy 4:16, 2 Timothy 2:24-25, Psalm 139, Titus 2, Romans 8:5-8, I Peter 4:12-19, Jeremiah 17:5-10, Matthew 16:24, Mark 8:34, Acts 17:28, 2 Peter 1:3-4, Romans 5:17, I Corinthians 15:10, 1 Timothy 5:20-21, Luke 17:3, Psalm 32:11, Psalm 35:27, Matthew 5:43, John 13:24, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Galatians 5:16, Galatians 5:22-24, Philippians 1:9, Psalm 111:10, 2 Corinthians 5:20, Proverbs 4:7, Proverbs 8:14, Matthew 18:15-19, Matthew 15:19, Psalm 112:1 ©2005 Copyright Association of Biblical Counselors

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1. BASIC COUNSELING SKILLS THE SEVEN FUNDAMENTALS* 1. Purpose of the Counselling -Speak the truth in love-

2. Goal of the training -Minister and not manipulate-

3. Who is the client?

S.O.S.

4. Qualities of an effective helper HUGE

5. Communication skills RIGHT

6. Phases of a crisis Denial – Bargaining – Anger Depression – Acceptance – Resolution

7. Steps to Crisis Intervention MR FEEF (*Sourced from: Equipped to Serve, Cynthia R. Philkill, M.S., 2002)

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SECTION 1: FOUNDATIONS 1.1 OUR AUTHORITY, RESPONSIBILITY, HELP AND REWARD It is important to ask yourself the following three questions before you enter the counselling room: Q 1:

Do I have the authority to counsel people facing a problem/crisis and where does that authority come from?

Q2:

What does God hold me responsible for in terms of ministering to people who have physical, emotional and spiritual needs?

Q3:

What kind of help can I expect to receive?

Q4:

What are the rewards, if any, I can realistically look forward to?

It is equally important to find the answers to these questions in scripture. There are several reasons for this:    



Our counselling seek to give glory to Jesus Christ.

Our counselling look to Jesus Christ as the perfect model of an effective and compassionate helper.

As Christians, we need to identify and understand our role as servant.

Counselling is challenging. God calls us to first reshape our thoughts (renew our minds) and actions (be holy as I am…) in His likeness. The changes we must undergo will include pain.

Jesus was a man of suffering, acquainted with grief and so we are fashioned in His image. But there is also joy in the journey (John 15: 9-11). Suffering and joy seem inseparable.

Scriptures will give you a realistic understanding of your responsibilities and of God’s responsibilities. This is necessary to avoid burnout.

OUR AUTHORITY (See attached) Isaiah 61: 1, 2b – 3 Matthew 28: 18 – 20 John 15: 9 – 13 Titus 2: 11 – 15b 1 John 4: 10 – 11 OUR RESPONSIBILITY (See attached) Proverbs 24: 11 – 12 Matthew 25: 35 – 36 John 13: 14 – 16 John 21: 15 – 17

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Galatians 6: 1 -2 Ephesians 4: 15 – 16 OUR HELP (See attached) Psalm 18: 28 – 29 Isaiah 41: 13 Isaiah 42: 16 Isaiah 43: 2 – 3a Zechariah 4: 6b Romans 8: 26 – 27 2 Corinthians 3: 4 – 6 OUR REWARD (See attached) Matthew 5: 3 – 12a Luke 6: 32 – 36 John 14: 1 – 3 Galatians 6: 7 – 10 Growth Rewards: - Intellectual growth - Psychological growth - Emotional growth - Spiritual growth

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THE SEVEN FUNDAMENTALS

This training manual is based upon Seven Fundamentals that we believe every Counselling Volunteer needs to know. These Seven Fundamentals are threads that are woven together throughout the entire training manual from beginning to end.

It is your responsibility to memorize these Seven Fundamentals, to be able to recite them, but more importantly, to demonstrate their use in a counselling session working with a client. The Seven Fundamentals apply in all counselling situations. The Seven Fundamentals are objective criteria by which you can evaluate yourself and your interaction with clients. The Seven fundamentals are process-based, not outcome-based. A client’s final decision is not what your base your success or failure on as a volunteer counsellor. Your job is to evaluate yourself based on the Seven Fundamentals.

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FUNDAMENTAL 1: THE PURPOSE OF THE COUNSELLING: -To speak the truth in loveThe purpose of the counselling, and you as a volunteer, is to SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE. In Ephesians 4, Paul is talking about unity in Christ and the various gifts given to us through the Holy Spirit. The purpose of these gifts, the passage tells us is, “to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ (4: 12 – 13).”

When this is achieved, the beautiful consequences are that, “Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From Him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work (4: 14 – 16).”

But what about our job, our responsibility as we interact with our clients? Scripture says we should use our spiritual gifts for unity in the faith. Not that we all believe exact doctrine, but that we have unity in the knowledge of the Son of God. How do we do that? We speak the truth in love, each doing her/his part.

What does the truth without love look like? ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ Think of a time someone spoke truth without love to you. How did it feel? _______________________________________________________ What does love without truth look like? ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ Think of a time when someone ‘loved’ your without substance or truth behind their words or actions.

How did it feel? ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ Why is speaking the truth in love so difficult? _______________________________________________________ What might get in the way of speaking the truth in love when you are in the counselling room? _______________________________________________________ Speak the truth in love. This means we must first of all speak the truth in love to ourselves. We must root out our own tendencies to live in denial and illusion and join Christ in engaging the hearts of those He brings to us. Each doing her/his part.

This means to search for and always be asking, “What is my part?” You will, oftentimes, spend only forty-five minutes to one hour with a client. We believe God is the Great Administrator. He will bring people during your shift specifically for you. You, individually, uniquely have something to offer this person God has brought to you. And so, too, does this person have something unique to offer you.

We must let go of our expectations of our time together with each person.

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As we bring our understanding of the Seven Fundamentals to bear on the relationship, we can rest in the Holy Spirit and allow Him to work through us.

“Truth is a very different thing from fact, it is the loving contact of the soul with spiritual fact, vital and potent.

It does its work in the soul independent of the soul’s ability to explain it.

Truth in the inward parts is a power, not an opinion.

But love is the first comforter, and where love and truth speak, the love will be understood even when the truth is not.

Love indeed is the highest in all truth, and the pressure of a hand, a kiss, the caress of a child will do more to save, sometimes, than the wisest argument, even rightly understood.

Love alone is wisdom, love alone is power.

And where love seems to fail, it is where self has stepped between and dulled the potency of its rays.”

- George MacDonald: The Lady’s Confession

FUNDAMENTAL 2: GOAL OF THE TRAINING -To minister, and not manipulate“It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor be hasty and miss the way.”

-Proverbs 19:2 The goal of the training is that we might learn to be ministers, not manipulators. Why is this important? Scripture reminds us that, “The tongue has the power of live and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit" (Proverbs 18:21). When we are in the counselling room we must never forget the power of our words. The actual word, as well as the timing of our words, have the power of life and death. We have all had such experiences – words spoken to us that have brought us life, or death.

Think about a time when you were in a conversation with a person about a subject on which you had very strong feelings and opinions and this person was trying to convince you of his/her point of view.

What did he/she do to try and convince you? How did it make you feel? _______________________________________________________ Was he/she successful? Why? Why not? _______________________________________________________ How did you feel about this person at the end of your conversation? _______________________________________________________ What does manipulation look like? How does it feel?

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Scripture also tells us, “The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out.” (Proverbs 18:15) This gives us a picture of what ministry, especially in the face of a crisis or lifechanging decision, might look like. Hopefully, you have had someone who ministered to you, without strings attached, at some point in your life. Think about one of those times.

What did his/her ministry look like? How did it feel? _______________________________________________________ What must we keep in mind if we do not want to fall into manipulating our clients? _______________________________________________________ What might ministering to our clients look like? (Based on your own life-receiving experiences) ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ Hopefully, by the end of this training, this Fundamental will be much clearer to you than right now.

Our tendency to manipulate is often subtle and strongly wrapped in what we believe are right motives and a desire to speak the truth in love. Much of the training ahead will expose these tendencies. If you are willing to take an honest look at yourself and work hard at changing some old habits you will have a much better chance of being a minister rather than a manipulator. It is not easy, but well worth the effort.

“Meddlesome ness is the very opposite of helpfulness, for it consists of forcing yourself into another instead of opening yourself as a refuge to the other.”

-George MacDonald: The Lady’s Confession

SECTION 2: THE CLIENT 2.1

FUNDAMENTAL 3: WHO IS HE/SHE? S.O.S.

We each have a stereotypical image of a person who might be facing a crises and are coming for counselling. Even though we know better, often times an image comes into our mind’s eye.

The truth is, any person could experience a crisis regardless of his/her ethnic, socio-economic, religious, educational background of marital status. While each person is unique in regard to his/her particular situation and his/her response to that situation, all people in crises have three things in common: * He/she is Scared * He/she has Overwhelming pressures *He/she has Strengths

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Scared What is he/she feeling?

Overwhelming pressures What is causing his/her feelings?

Strengths

His/her strengths: This is where hope can begin.

Every person is sending out an S.O.S. and it is your job as the counsellor to interpret his/her S.O.S. and respond appropriately. In this section we will look at each component of the client’s S.O.S. in order for you to become familiar with what it is you must pay attention to as your client shares his/her story.

He/she is Scared A person is facing a crisis. For this reason, the person experience a wide variety of feelings. The variety of feelings and the intensity of feelings experienced is different for each person. Every person has feelings about his/her crisis and the situation in which they find themselves. For the sake of helping you remember Fundamental 3, these feelings are labelled as scared, the first S in S.O.S. This is to help you remember that he/she has some emotions about his/her situation. Scared might not be the emotion every person feels, but a person facing a crisis is feeling something strongly enough to come for counselling.

These feelings and the ways in which they manifest themselves will be discussed in detail in the section titled: Crisis Counselling.

As a client tells his/her story, counsellors must ask themselves, ‘What is he/she feeling?’ Hearing the feelings behind the client’s words will build rapport and understanding and invite the client to continue to share more of their feelings. The more you know about the client’s story and their feelings the better you can help them see the issues clearly and consider all of what is going on inside them.

He/She has Overwhelming pressures A person in crisis are experiencing overwhelming pressures. This is the O in S.O.S. These pressures can be internal, coming from within the self, as well as external, coming from outside the self. People who are under pressure and see no way out, or allow the pressure to keep them from looking at possible options are more likely to make a hasty decision. These pressures are fuelling the client’s feelings. As counsellors listen for a client’s S.O.S., they must ask themselves: “What is driving him/her to come for counselling?”

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INTERNAL PRESSURES Internal pressures refer to the kind of pressure a person might put upon him/herself. For example, a person might have certain standards for him/herself, if a person doesn’t live up to those standards they feel like a failure. Or attitudes, beliefs and values may contribute to the internal pressure the client may place upon him/herself.

EXTERNAL PRESSURES  People: People such as a client’s parents, boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse or friends, may pull him/her in one direction while others pull him/her in another direction. A person facing a crisis often finds that they are being torn apart by the wishes of the people they care about the most.  Circumstances: Circumstances such as school, work, finances or illness can also put pressure on a person.  Culture: A person’s culture may make some demands that the client feels he/she cannot meet.  Church: Some perceive the people in their church to be unforgiving and judgemental, and would rather face God than tell people in their church what is really going on in their lives.

He/She has Strengths All of us have personal strengths as well as weaknesses. It is important to remember this is also true for a person facing a crisis. In the midst of a crisis it is much easier for a person to focus on their weaknesses and to forget about their strengths. As volunteer counsellors, we must listen, look for and highlight a client’s strengths. This is where hope begins: their hope in themselves, the situation, and what God is doing in their lives.

Remember:  Everyone has something they like to do and do well. When you are counselling someone, look and listen for strengths, make mental notes of the strengths you hear and point them out to him/her.  Everyone has dreams and hopes that relate to who they want to be and what they want to do.

We all have untapped potential. Sometimes a person may have such little faith in their abilities or in themselves that they are unable to make a life-giving choice for themselves. As a volunteer counsellor, it is important that you build the client up in spite of his/her circumstances.  The client is created in the image of God and as such deserves our respect. He/she is a sinner more or no less than you or me. Jesus died on the cross for them.

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SECTION 3: CRISIS COUNSELLING 3.1

DEFINITION OF A CRISIS

DEFINITION OF A CRISIS A crisis is an event, a set of circumstance, or a sudden realization that threatens one’s emotional or physical well-being, and in turn, interferes with one’s routine of daily living.

The word crisis in Chinese is comprised of the characters for “danger” and “opportunity”. The literal translation is “Opportunity riding on a dangerous wind.” A crisis poses danger to our sense of wellbeing, and at the same time, provides us with an opportunity to grow and to learn.

CHARACTERISTICS OF A CRISIS  Individuals are unique and respond to events, circumstances, and realizations differently. What is a crisis for one person may not be a crisis for another.  A crisis usually involves a loss or a perceived loss, such as loss of independence, loss of childhood, loss of security, or loss of a loved one.  The nature of a crisis is such that the situation or problem cannot be ignored. One is literally forced to make a decision one way or the other.  Old tried and true methods of coping do not work in a crisis. In order to deal with a crisis situation an individual must develop new coping strategies.  Not only does a crisis cause upheaval in a person’s physical and emotional life, but in his/her spiritual life as well. This causes a person to question their current worldview or belief system.

Thus a person in the midst of a crisis is mort often open to questioning their current worldview and more open to new points of view.

A situation becomes a crisis when the person perceives it to be a threat to their emotional and physical well-being. The situation is perceived as a threat because of the people in their lives, the circumstances that exist, and the pressures that bear down upon them.

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FUNDAMENTAL 6: THE PHASES OF A CRISIS

It is useful to think of a crisis in terms of three stages. The diagram (see attached) illustrates the stages a person goes through before, during and after a crisis.

STAGE 1: PRE-CRISIS In this stage, the person is essentially living his/her life. Obstacles may present themselves, but the person has the necessary skills to successfully overcome those obstacles.

STAGE 2: CRISIS An event, a set of circumstances or a sudden realization has created a crisis for the person. It is as if that person has fallen into a bottomless pit. He is in the pit and it is very dark and he can’t see a way out.

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A person in the pit tends to respond in the following ways:

 DENIAL “I can’t be in the pit. This isn’t happening. There is no way that I am in the pit! I’ll think about this tomorrow! I think I will go clean out all my closets.”

 BARGAINING “Maybe if I did … or maybe if I was … or maybe if I promised …. I could get out of this pit.”

 ANGER (Directed at self) “How could I let myself fall into this pit! How stupid can I be? I deserve anything I get for being dumb enough to let this happen.”

(Directed at others) “It is his fault I am in this pit! He said … He was supposed to have … Boy he mess me up bad! I wish he was dead!”

 DEPRESSION “I am really in the pit … boo hooo hooo … sniffle sniffle … and I can’t get out … sniffle sniffle … what am I going to do?”

 ACCEPTANCE “I am in the pit, and I need to find a way out. I will find a way out!”

 RESOLUTION “I am out of the pit! I made choices and took action to get myself out of the pit.”

STAGE 3: POST-CRISIS In the third phase the person has resolved the crisis. He/she has made choices and has taken action.

These choices and actions will ultimately determine the Post-Crisis Stage.

Many people come through a crisis with an increased ability to cope with life. Other people come through a crisis with the same level of coping as when they started. Then, there are those who come through a crisis, but their level of coping has been lowered.

FEELINGS ASSOCIATED WITH A CRISIS People who are in the midst of a crisis may experience a variety of feelings as well as exhibit a variety of behaviours. Some of these are:

FEELINGS fear / anger / anxiety / guilt / helplessness / worthlessness

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BEHAVIOURS ambivalence / detachment / dependence

FUNDAMENTAL 7: THE STEPS TO CRISIS INTERVENTION -MR FEEF-

Now that you are familiar with the stages of the crisis cycle and the feelings associated with a crisis, it is necessary to understand what you, the counsellor, can do to successfully and effectively intervene.

Below are the steps to Crisis Intervention. The specific helping skills you need to climb each step will be discussed in detail later on.

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STEP 1: MAKE CONTACT It is important to communicate compassion and concern in the early stages of the counselling interview. It is helpful to start by smiling when you greet the client. Use the person’s name, make eye contact, and put him/her at ease.

STEP 2: REDUCE ANXIETY Early on in the interview let the client know what he/she can expect form you. As you proceed make an effort to really listen to what the person is saying. Validate feelings and create an atmosphere that says, “Feelings are okay here”.

STEP 3: FOCUS ON ISSUES It is easy to get sidetracked by all of the problems in the client’s life. Focus on the primary crisis. This means you have to take time to find out what the person’s circumstances are, who are the people in his life, what are the pressures he is under and what are his feelings as they relate to the primary crisis. Don’t get sidetracked on other long-term problems.

STEP 4: EVALUATE RESOURCES Help the client to take stock of the resources available to him/her, such as family, friends, his/her own interpersonal skills and strengths, and community resources.

STEP 5: ENCOURAGE ACTION Encourage the client to make a plan of action that includes concrete goals and action plans.

Always give responsibility back to the client to take action. Do not create dependency on you as a counsellor.

STEP 6: FOLLOW-UP Obtain permission to follow-up the client and make a plan to do so. The follow-up may include another appointment, a phone call or a note from the counsellor or client. During follow-up the counsellor will find out what steps the client has taken, based on goals and action plans set up in the counselling session.

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FUNDAMENTAL 4: QUALITIES OF AN EFFECTIVE HELPER

Each person possesses a unique combination of God-given gifts and talents. These personal resources coupled with your life experiences will be invaluable as you counsel people facing a crisis. In addition to the gifts and talents you already possess, there are four qualities each volunteer must develop to become an effective counsellor.

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The four qualities are: HUGE Quality 1: Quality 2: Quality 3: Quality 4:

Humility Unconditional love Genuineness Empathy

QUALITY 1: HUMILITY “Before his downfall a man’s heart is proud, but humility comes before honour.” (Proverbs 18:12) Humility requires an accurate self-appraisal. Paul writes in Romans 12:3 “… do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself in sober judgement.” In other words, the humble person knows his/her own strengths and weaknesses. You acknowledge your imperfections, sins and failures as well as your God-given gifts, talents, and abilities. The humble person knows who she is and who she is not. Most people tend to be overly focused on one or the other.

If you want to be an effective helper, humility is essential. As a counsellor you are going to meet people whose lives are very different from your own. People who have problems, whose families are torn apart by alcohol, drugs, violence and poverty. Because your life experiences and current situation may be so radically different from the client you see it often becomes very easy to feel you are better than they are. To start looking down on them and the choices they have made in their lives. Unless you enter the counselling relationship with humility, you will not help the person God has placed before you. You will not reflect the love of Christ to the person.

Below are a few suggestions to help you develop an accurate self-appraisal:  Admit your struggle with pride.  Acknowledge your strengths as well as weaknesses. Take some time to learn about yourself, so you can maximize your strengths and gifts. Discover the unique individual God created you to be.  Be willing to be used by God in spite of your weaknesses. Know that He will do this. Scripture tells us how Christ’s power rests on us when we are weak (2 Cor. 12:7-10). You will not feel competent in all areas of your volunteer counselling position. Know that God will still use you in your areas of weakness as well as your areas of strength. What God desires is a willing, yielded heart.  Know your true purpose for being a volunteer counsellor. God has brought you into this ministry to draw you closer to Him and to teach you more and more of His heart. Impacting lives is a great bonus of this ministry but we can only hope to do such a thing, if we draw close to the One who has called us and allow Jesus to minister through us by the power of the Holy Spirit.

QUALITY 2: UNCONDITIONAL LOVE Watch what God does and then do it … Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with Him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love waS not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of Himself to us. Love like that: Eph. 5:1-2.

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Unconditional love and acceptance means to affirm and care for a person regardless of his/her behaviour – regardless of his/her life-style. Most of the time we love conditionally, that is, we love people for what they do. Unconditional love and acceptance requires us to love people in spite of what they do. It requires us to love people for what they are: people made in the image of God. Unconditional love is not ‘self-seeking’. It does not expect anything in return. It is a supernatural kind of love, the kind of agape love God showed for us when He gave us His one and only Son. Think about how Jesus loved extravagantly. The woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11) and the woman with the flow of blood (Mark 5:21-34) and the Samaritan woman (John 4:1-30).

What was extravagant in how Jesus loved these women? How did He (behaviourally) love these women and why was it extravagant versus cautious? ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ What does cautious love look like? What gets in the way of extravagantly loving people? ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ Communicating unconditional love and acceptance in the counselling room is important for two reasons:  Doing so will contribute to a context of trust and caring that will enable you to connect with the client.  You will minister directly to the client’s emotional and spiritual needs.

In his book ‘Bold Love’, Dan Allender defines bold love as “giving people a taste of the character of God, both His mercy and strength.” How do we offer a taste of God’s mercy to another? We offer mercy when we delight over people. When we see something of the image of God in them. We also suffer or ache on their behalf. We ache over their losses and over what they could become. Often we only see a client once or twice, however sometimes God gives us the privilege of a long-term relationship. When this happens: to offer mercy is to remember. Remember the client’s stories, what they have come through. We offer mercy when we hold their stories dear and respect all that brought them to be the person they are today.

How do we offer a taste of God’s strength to another? We offer strength when we stand in the way, to ask people to be more of what God wants them to be. You dream on their behalf. Ask yourself, what could they become if God got a hold of them? Then ask yourself, what is my part in their transformation? What must I become to help them? To offer strength we must persevere. Prayer is the place where we best persevere with people. The best work we can do with people is the prayer we do for them. We must continue to rage against that which is apart from what God wants them to be.

How can we delight over our clients? ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ How can we ache and suffer on their behalf? ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ How might we stand in the way on their behalf?

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___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ What, in the context of the counselling, might be our part in their transformation? ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ How might we persevere? ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ “To move toward another person, we must 100 % give up on that person – not give up on God working in their lives, but give up on our demanding or requiring anything from them to nourish our souls.

Only then are we free to move toward them in love.”

- Dr. Lawrence J. Crabb, Jr.

QUALITY 3: GENUINENESS “All a man’s ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord.” -Proverbs 16:2 “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” -Proverbs 14:12 Genuineness is the quality of being the same in actual character as in outward appearance. In other words, to be completely and freely oneself. In order to understand what it means to be genuine, it is helpful to think back to when you were an infant. As an infant you were completely and freely yourself. When you were hungry you cried, when you were tired you fussed, when you were happy you smiled and gurgled.

As time passed on, all of this began to change. Your sorrows and joys, failures and successes moulded and shaped you. You became increasingly aware of what others thought about you. Now, as an adult, you hesitate to reveal yourself as you really are. You do not always tell people what you think or how you feel because you are afraid they will reject you. You find it difficult to be completely and freely yourself.

In order to protect ourselves, we put on masks. Masks come in many forms, each assigned the task of protecting or hiding who we really are on the inside. Some masks are physical such as how we dress or wear our hair or makeup. Other masks are projections of personality or posturing such as a mask of competence, humour, sarcasm, conformity or nonconformity. World views, religions and firmly held beliefs can be used as masks to keep people safe and isolated from possible hurt, yet also from truth, and most sadly, from their own true selves.

Take a moment to consider the masks you wear. What are they? What do they look like? Briefly write them down. ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ When do you put them on?

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___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ How long have you been wearing each of these masks? How has each of these masks served you?

How has they been useful to you? ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ Would you like to take them off? What is stopping you or getting in the way? ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ What are the masks you are likely to wear into the counselling room? ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ It is important for the counsellor to be able to take off your masks and to reflect genuineness for several reasons:  To provide an atmosphere of openness and honesty in which to address issues surrounding the crisis/problem.  To create a context of trust and caring that facilitates effective problem solving.  To provide a role model for the client, encouraging the client to be genuine about his/her feelings and situation.

Genuineness is possible when we remember that our motives are weighed by the Lord (Prov. 16:2) and that often our ways seem right but in the end lead to death (Prov. 14:12). To live genuine lives we must: 1. Wrestle with our own sin. “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.” (1 John 1:8) 2. Walk in the light of God’s forgiveness. The awareness of being forgiven gives us the ability to be ourselves and the energy to do good to others.

3. Be willing to ‘walk through the valley of the shadow of death’ (Ps 23).

4. Commitment to telling yourself the truth. “I have no greater joy than to hear that My children are walking in the truth.” (3 John 4).

Given the list above, what might genuineness look like in the counselling room? ___________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________

QUALITY 4: EMPATHY “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” -Prov. 20:5 “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down his friend can help him up.

Pity the man who has no one to help him up!” -Eccl. 4:9-10.

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Empathy is the ability to enter into and understand the world of another and to communicate that understanding to him or her. (Egan. 1986) Empathy is important for three reasons, because it:  Acts as a kind of communications lubricant by encouraging and facilitating dialogue.  Allows the volunteer counsellor to make contact and build rapport with the client, to alleviate some anxiety, and ultimately focus on the issues.  Enables the client to explore his/her experiences, behaviours, feelings, and beliefs and the relationship between them.

Reflecting empathy is always a balancing act between thinking with a person and feeling with a person. When you think with a person, the focus is on the facts as they relate to the crisis/problem.

When you are feeling with the person, the focus is on how the person feels about their circumstances.

Empathy, which literally means “to feel in” is a skill and as such can be learned. Some of you will naturally be better at it than others. Below is a helpful list of hints for improving your ability to communicate empathy.

1. Take time out to think: Beginning counsellors tend to jump in with a response as soon as the client pauses to take a breath. Often times, the counsellor will say anything just to say something. Most likely, the counsellor has not given himself time to reflect on what the client has been saying. It is important to take time to think so you can respond in a helpful and empathetic manner.

2. Use short responses: In an attempt to convey understanding, beginning counsellors end up making long-winded speeches. This only serves to confuse the client and to stall the communication process. The counsellor’s goal must be to engage the client in dialogue, not in a contest between two competing monologues. This is to be accomplished by short responses.

3. Gear your response to the client: As a counsellor you need to be aware of your tone of voice and your body language as well as your words because all three contribute to your ability to communicate empathy. Gearing your response to the client, means matching or mirroring what the client is saying with your words, tone of voice and body language.

4. A good rule of thumb: DO NOT TALK MORE THAN THE CLIENT: “He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, He brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.” (2 Cor. 1:4 The Message)

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SECTION 4: CONNECTING WITH CLIENTS 4.1 SETTING REALISTIC COUNSELLING GOALS As a volunteer, you come to the Counselling ministry with certain goals in mind. These goals have much to do with how you interact with clients and how you feel about your volunteer experience.

Goals can give you focus and direction or they can frustrate you and eventually lead to burnout.

List some of your goals (what you hope to accomplish) as a volunteer counsellor. Put a star to those you feel most strongly about. ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________ Oftentimes the goals we have set for ourselves are really desires. When we set up goals for ourselves that are really desires, we very often become frustrated and burned-out. Larry Crab, in his book Encouragement: The Key to Caring, gives us guidelines to help distinguish between goals and desires.

A GOAL is that which requires the cooperation of only one person …ME A DESIRE it that which requires the cooperation of someone else.

Go back to your list above. How many of the statements you starred were really desires and not goals? These statements are important because you feel strongly about them. These desires can negatively affect your relationship with your clients and your sense of accomplishment and fulfilment in counselling.

If you work towards goals, in which another person has any control over the outcome, you inevitably set yourself up for failure at worst and frustration at best. Crafting well-defined goals, not desires, becomes essential to your work in the ministry.

Goals you WORK towards.

Desires you PRAY towards.

Well-written goals are the actions, activities and attitudes God has given us dominion and control over. We can feel confident in our work to achieve these goals. Desires are those deeply felt longings, hopes and feelings that are beyond our control to secure by ourselves. We must turn these desires over to God in prayer, trusting Him to answer and act according to His will.

Understanding goals vs. desires is really understanding the difference between your job, God’s job, and the client’s job in the process of crisis counselling. You have desires you feel deeply about.

Problems occur when you take responsibility for tasks and decisions that rest on God or the client.

This most happens when we set for ourselves goals that are really desires.

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Take a few minutes to write down what tasks and/or decisions you believe to be your job, God’s job, and the client’s job.

My job

God’s job

Client’s job

4.2 CONNECTING WITH CLIENTS Your first goal in counselling is to create an environment in which connecting with your client is possible. Connecting involves bridging the gap between you and the client. The gap represents the fact that you are more than likely strangers with very different world views, different beliefs, different life circumstances, even cultural and economic differences. The gap is characterized by different ‘agendas’ or expectations you both have concerning what will happen during the counselling session.

Connecting is the counsellor’s responsibility.

Connecting is building a bridge and inviting the client to honesty and openness. The materials you use to build this bridge are the four HUGE skills of an effective helper your have learned already. You will also be using the RIGHT communication skills, which you will be learning, in the next section. All of the seven Fundamentals must be learned and utilized. Connecting is the ultimate result of speaking the truth in love. The chances are slim that a client will open up and share his/her deepest thoughts and feelings if you have not connected with him/her. Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

Connecting is much more than building rapport. It is a willingness to always be aware of and to hold at bay your own agendas in order to meet the client at his/her point of need. It is more likely to occur when you lay aside your own desire to heal, convert, and save; and instead focus on the client’s S.O.S.

4.3 COUNSELLOR OBSTACLES TO CONNECTING Identifying and understanding the roadblocks to connecting can help you get a better sense of how you connect with the person facing a crisis/problem.

1. BEING A CAPTIVE OF YOUR OWN AGENDA Typically a new volunteer counsellor has one agenda: to save and heal people. The new volunteer will focus on this agenda at the expense of the person facing a crisis. In a session where this is happening, a counsellor will do most of the talking and will do very little listening.

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2. YOUR NEED FOR SUCCESS Connecting requires a commitment to servant hood. Being a servant means to care unselfishly for others. Your need for success can steer you away from serving others. Your misguided criteria for success can keep you focused on yourself and the techniques you think will help you achieve your goals. Connecting happens when you get out of yourself and focus on the person God has placed before you.

3. A LACK OF FAITH IN GOD, HIS PRESENCE AND POWER Oftentimes we do not really believe God is in control. It is during those times that we feel responsible for making something happen in the counselling session. It is in those times we take over the process of God and the Holy Spirit. We end up speaking the truth, but with little love for the person we are counselling. Connecting means to be led by the Holy Spirit because there is no formula which works for every client. Each client is unique and different. We must trust the Holy Spirit to give us insight into each person’s heart and circumstances so we will speak the truth in love in such a way as to make a difference in the person’s life.

4. OUR LACK OF RESPECT FOR THE AUTONOMY OF THE OTHER PERSON We are both grateful and frustrated God has given His people the ability to make choices. Our need to be right becomes more important than loving our clients. Clients need to know that you care more about them than you care about winning.

Our clients are people with the God-given ability to choose. You are not responsible for their choices.

You are responsible for your part – relying on the Holy Spirit to help build a bridge to span the pain, fear, abuse, loneliness, etc. that has brought them to this point in their lives.

4.4 TIPS FOR CONNECTING 1. BE WILLING TO BE VULNERABLE This means you cannot be afraid of making mistakes. Admitting mistakes to clients builds trust and credibility. Mistakes are allowed. Hiding or covering them up is what creates the problem.

2. REALISE THAT GOD IS IN CHARGE This is harder than it seems. It requires you to acknowledge and believe in your heart that God is in charge. You must be open to the power of the Holy Spirit and be willing to invite the Holy Spirit into the counselling room. Remember each client who comes to you has a divine appointment.

3. REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR A CLIENT’S CHOICES When you feel responsible for others, you try to fix, protect, rescue and control. You tend to feel tired, anxious, fearful and responsible. You become concerned primarily with solutions, answers and performance.

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When you feel responsible to others, you are empathetic, caring and concerned. You feel relaxed.

You are primarily concerned with relating to the other person and helping him/her to come up with their own solutions. Refer to the Drama Triangle for more info concerning your responsibility vs. the client’s responsibility.

4. UNDERSTAND PEOPLE ARE HURTING AND WANT TO BE CARED ABOUT AND UNDERSTOOD … NOT FIXED Our desire to heal and to convert often causes confusion and chaos. Keep in mind, the best way to help a hurting person is to listen to him/her and to help them discover their resources and strengths to solve their own problems.

5. BE AWARE OF THE PROCESS This means that you focus on what is happening in the room. You listen to what the person is saying, and how the person is saying it. You constantly ask yourself:  What is he/she feeling?  What are the circumstances that brought him/her here today?  What are the pressures the person is facing?

Awareness of the process also means you are aware of what is happening inside of you. It means you ask yourself:  How am I feeling?  What “buttons” does the client push inside of me?  What am I communicating to her verbally and non-verbally?

6. USE THE CLIENT’S RESISTANCE When a client refuses to talk about their thoughts of feelings anymore, in the middle of a session, it is called resistance.

This is a defence mechanism the person uses to protect him/herself from pain and fear. An important part of crisis counselling is to help the client to identify the pain and to face the fear. It will be necessary for the counsellor to gently direct the client to the resistance, be telling him what you are observing that makes you believe a resistance exists.

Always make sure that your perceptions are the same as the client’s perceptions. If the client agrees with your perceptions, then continue by asking good questions, listening for feelings and hidden messages, and giving helpful feedback about how you perceive your interaction him/her.

Encourage the client that exploring the issues behind resistance is possible, with the leading of the Holy Spirit, gentleness, sensitivity and the use of good skills.

4.5 CLIENT OBSTACLES TO CONNECTING Connecting is something that comes from two sides, it is not something one person can force upon another. Therefore the counsellor must be aware of certain barriers the client may use, intentionally or unintentionally, to keep the counsellor at a safe distance. These barriers or obstacles may make it difficult for the counsellor to connect with the client.

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1. FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN Most clients, when they come for counselling, do not know what to expect. A client’s fears may be blown out of proportion and make it difficult for the client to focus on what the counsellor is saying.

There are two things a counsellor can do: a) Reassure the client with a soothing voice and a caring attitude that it is a safe place to be. b) Help the client to identify and express these fears by using interpretative listening, restating, rephrasing and good questions.

2. ANGER Sometimes a client may be angry at him/herself, other people or God for their circumstances. The anger is also a defence mechanism to protect oneself from the pain and hurt inside. It can be very difficult to connect with someone who is extremely angry.

There are four things a counsellor can do: a) Do not blame yourself for the client’s anger, you did not cause the situation he/she is in. b) Allow the client to express the anger by using interpretative listening and reflective listening. c) Recognise that under the anger is a lot of pain. d) Help the client to identify the pain and to express it be using interpretative listening, reflective listening and good questions.

3. DENIAL A client’s emotions and circumstances surrounding a crisis may be so overwhelming that he/she is unable to face them him/herself, let alone share it with someone else. The client often goes into denial and avoid discussing or facing any issues surrounding the crisis. Then seeks the quickest solution to ‘make the problem go away’.

To discuss any alternatives to the present situation, would mean facing the circumstances and feelings, which for whatever reason, are too overwhelming. Denial can be so strong, it can block out physical and emotional reality.

There are four things a counsellor can do: a) Use interpretative listening to show the client that feelings are OK here. Help him/her put the feelings into words that he/she alone would be unable or unwilling to do. b) Ask good questions. Be patient and lovingly persistent. c) Gently confront the client with the reality of the crisis. d) Try to set up a second counselling session with the client as soon as possible, to follow-up and give you a chance to develop a trusting relationship.

4. HARDNESS OF HEART Some clients are so hardened by their life experiences, they completely shut themselves off from their feelings. It is the only way they can survive.

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There are two things a counsellor can do: a) Ask good questions and try to gently describe to the client what you see are happening. b) Hand pick literature especially for the client and encourage him/her to read it. Tell the client to come back and see if other issues arise that he/she would like to talk about.

SECTION 5: COMMUNICATION SKILLS 5.1

THE NATURE OF COMMUNICATION

Communication is the basic building block for any relationship. This is true for your relationships with God, your family, your friends and even the person that comes to you for counselling.

Communication involves listening and speaking. Both are equally important. Problems usually occur when one becomes more important than the other. We often tend to focus more on what we want to say rather than to listen and clarify what another person has said to us. For this reason, it is important to learn to listen first and then learn to speak clearly and constructively.

During counselling, your concern for the client and desire to help often creates pressure to provide instant solutions and answers to the client’s problems. The steps to crisis intervention must be climbed slowly and methodically. Each step must be attended to and the issues carefully addressed before climbing up to the next step. The communication tools you will learn in this section will enable you to climb the steps to crisis intervention with skill, precision and compassion.

In order to use communication tools wisely, you need to have a general understanding of the process of communication. Schramm’s Model of Communication gives a visual picture of the communication process.

SCHRAMM’S MODEL OF COMMUNICATION There are three basic components in the communication process,  The people talking  The message or words being sent  The filters through which all communication must pass.

THE PEOPLE Each person involved in a conversation has a certain set of values, needs, goals and expectations which form the basis of their communication. Most people involved in a conversation are not consciously aware of how much these affect what they choose to say and how they choose to say it. Every time a person opens his/her mouth to speak you can learn a little something about their values, needs, goals and expectations … if you listen.

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THE MESSAGE A study on the components of communication indicates the spoken word comprises very little of interpersonal communication. We spend so much time thinking about what we are going to say next, never realising our words really have the smallest impact.

The study broke down the components of communication into three parts: Spoken word 7% Body posture and gestures 38% Voice tone and inflection 55% “It is not what you say, but how you say it”. This means communication is not just word but nonverbal messages such as what you are saying with your hands or your body. It also means the message is communicated through the inflection and emphasis you place on certain words while you are speaking.

It is important that you learn how to ask a question in a straightforward manner with a neutral tone of voice. If you don’t, a client may end up telling you what she thinks you want to hear, and not what she really believes.

THE FILTERS/ BARRIERS/ NOISE Communication filters are the components that make communication very difficult. Filters are the “screens” that words, gestures and voice tones pass through on their way to another person. The filters determine how a message is sent and received.

Each person chooses his/her message and assigns meaning to another’s message through filters made up of his/her personal perceptions. A person’s perceptions are affected by his/her beliefs about such things as skin colour, accents, dress, height, weight, sex, status, etc.

Environmental filters can be shared by both parties in the communication process. They are the external factors affecting the communication process. Such as background noises, physical comfort, time of day, time pressures, recent events, physical environment, distractions, etc. These factors can impede our ability to physically hear another person or affect our ability to be alert and emotionally present in a conversation.

USING COMMUNICATION SKILLS TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION Now you have an idea of why communication can be so complex and difficult. Most of us have many experiences where what we said and how it was perceived were vastly different from our original intentions. This is where helping skills come into play.

The skills you will be learning through the rest of this section will facilitate the communication process between you and any person with whom you are speaking. The importance of these tools and the mastery of them cannot be emphasised enough. These skills, like any other skill, will seem awkward at first. Be assured, the study, practice and utilisation of them will yield big payoffs in the effectiveness of your communication with others.

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A COMMUNICATION SELF-EVALUATION Directions: Read the statements below and rate yourself 1, 2 or 3, based on the numbered statements below: 1. That is me 2. That is me sometimes 3. That is not me When other people speak to me … ___ I look at them when they are talking. ___ I am unaware of my body language. ___ I think about what I am going to say next. ___ I interrupt. ___ I offer solutions even when they are not asked for. ___ I ask questions to get more information or to clarify what I heard. ___ I stop what I am doing and give the other person my full attention. ___ I tune them out if I am bored by what they are saying. ___ I tell the speaker to hurry up and get to the point. ___ I restate what I heard in order to clarify. ___ I focus on details and miss the point. ___ I allow my emotions to block the message. ___ If I feel uncomfortable, I create or tolerate distractions. (see Fundamental 5: Communication Skills)

5.2

FUNDAMENTAL FIVE: THE “RIGHT” COMMUNICATION SKILLS

5.2.1 REFLECTIVE LISTENING “He who answers before listening that is his folly and his shame.” Prov. 18:13 When you look into a mirror you see a reflection of yourself. In the same way, the volunteer counsellor can act as a mirror for the client and reflect what the client is saying. This is what is known as reflective listening. A lot of volunteer counsellors do not practice this skill because they find it hard to believe that it works well. Do not make the same mistake of underestimating the power of reflective listening. It may feel awkward initially, but it works. People in crisis want to know that they are being heard and reflective listening is the best sill to show them that you are listening.

SKILL GUIDELINES … HOW DO YOU DO IT? There are two types of reflective listening: Restating and Rephrasing. Both types require you to listen for content.

Restating: You repeat exactly word for word what the client has said, changing only the pronoun and the verb tense.

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Client: “I hope I am not pregnant.”

Counsellor: “You hope you are not pregnant.”

When you repeat what the client has said, it is important to keep your voice tone steady and to make sure your voice does not rise at the end of the sentence as if you are asking a question.

Rephrasing: The counsellor repeats back in his/her own words the most important part of what has been said as it relates to the client’s crisis.

Client: Counsellor:

“My mom and dad would throw me out of the house, totally disown me, and never talk to me again if they found out I was pregnant.”

“Your parents will throw you out and disown you if you were pregnant.”

BENEFITS OF REFLECTIVE LISTENING 1. Helps the volunteer counsellor to stay with the client. You are forced to really listen.

2. It shows the client you are listening and care about what he/she is saying.

3. It lets the client hear what he/she is saying, and gives them an opportunity to rethink and reevaluate what they are saying.

4. It encourages the client to continue talking and to elaborate.

5. Helps you focus on essential messages and issues surrounding the client’s crisis.

6. It demonstrates empathy, unconditional love and acceptance.

7. It enables you to climb the first steps to crisis intervention, specifically to make contact and reduce anxiety.

REFLECTIVE LISTENING CAN BE DIFFICULT FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

It seems foolish and feels awkward.

It seems like a waste of time.

It is easy to become overwhelmed by the client’s story or the intensity of the delivery.

It can be hard to pay attention to what the other person is saying because the mind wanders.

Fear of the client’s reaction.

Preoccupation with what you are going to say next instead of listening to what the client is saying.

7. Underestimating the importance of making contact and reducing anxiety to the third step of crisis intervention which is focusing on the issues.

5.2.2 INTERPRETIVE LISTENING “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” Prov. 25:11 Interpretative listening is when you listen for the feelings and messages behind the words and communicate what you’ve “heard” back to the client. People will give a lot of information but will rarely identify their own feelings to you in a conversation. They say one thing with their words, but

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their body language, voice tone and inflection really seem to be saying the opposite. As a volunteer counsellor you need to look for and identify the feelings and messages behind the words.

SKILL GUIDELINES … HOW DO YOU DO IT? 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

When you listen for feelings behind the words it is helpful to use the following lead-in phrases It sounds like …

I get the sense …

It sounds as though …

In other words …

Use a tentative tone of voice.

Avoid loaded words such as angry, bitter and guilty that may put the client on the defensive.

Pay attention to you own tone of voice, body language and gestures. Are they communicating the same message you words are carrying?

Expand your own feeling word vocabulary. The broader your feeling word vocabulary, the better your ability to help someone accurately describe exactly what they are feeling.

See feeling word vocabulary attached.

Be sensitive to the timing of your response.

EXAMPLES OF INTERPRETIVE LISTENING 1. Interpreting a hidden message: Client:

Response:

“I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend say that I should have an abortion. My mother wants me to keep the baby and my father wants me to give up the baby for adoption.”

“Seems like no one is asking what you want to do about this pregnancy.”

2. Interpreting feelings: Client:

“I just can’t have another baby right now. My husband just left me, I have to find a job, I have no one to help me.”

Response: “ It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed by your current circumstances.”

BENEFITS OF INTERPRETIVE LISTENING 1.

2.

3.

4.

Helps the client identify feelings by putting them into words.

Helps the client to clarify feelings, giving insight and perspective to the situation.

He/she gets the sense that having feelings and talking about feelings is OK. Allows you to check out your perception of the client’s feelings. It lets the client know that you are trying to understand.

5. You are able to show sympathy, genuineness, unconditional love and acceptance.

6. Interpretive listening enables the volunteer to climb the step to crisis intervention.

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INTERPRETIVE LISTENING CAN BE DIFFICULT FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS Interpretive listening, listening for hidden messages and feelings, is much more difficult than restating or rephrasing. There are several reasons.

1. It requires your full attention. To voice tone and inflection, body posture and gestures in order to uncover what the client is feeling.

2. Fear of not knowing what to say, can cause you to be overly focused on yourself, and not give your full attention to the client.

3. Self-protection caused by fear of being hurt or overwhelmed by the client’s feelings. You may feel uncomfortable with a lot of pain and anger.

4. It may be something you are not used to doing.

5.2.3 GOOD QUESTIONS “It is not good to have zeal without knowledge nor to be hasty and miss the way.” Prov. 19:2 To be an effective helper, it is necessary to know how to ask good questions. Volunteer counsellors often assume the client will tell you everything you will need to know, and underestimate the need for good questions. Most people will not tell you what they think or how they feel unless you ask.

SKILL GUIDELINES …. HOW DO YOU DO IT? Good questions are open-ended questions that begin with words “who, what, where, when and how”.

Remember them as the 4 W’s and an H. These are good questions because they cannot be answered by a simple yes or no, and they keep the conversation focused on the important issues surrounding the crisis.

EXAMPLES OF GOOD QUESTIONS 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Who knows you are here today?

What makes you think your husband wants to leave you?

Where would you like to be five years from now?

When was the last time you had these same feelings?

How do you feel about the results of your medical test?

When formulating questions, timing is a key factor. Good questions are helpful in terms of focusing on issues and evaluating resources. If you ask too many questions early on in the session, you will not get the results you want, because you haven’t made contact and reduced anxiety. The type of questions is also important, not all questions are helpful.

AVOID THE FOLLOWING TYPE OF QUESTIONS 1. Closed-ended questions are not helpful, because they require a yes or no answer. That does not help in continuing the conversation.

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2. Why questions. It often puts the client on the defensive, because it sounds judgemental and seems to presuppose a certain answer or action.

3. Rapid fire questions. It is overwhelming and almost impossible for the client to remember or answer all the questions.

4. Questions containing the answers, it can be manipulative, leading and judgemental. It does not serve the client or the process.

BENEFITS OF GOOD QUESTIONS 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

It encourages the client to tell you what he/she thinks and feels.

Helps the client to explore his/her situation from a variety of perspectives.

Assures the client that you are paying attention and want to know more.

Moves the conversation along in a direction that will be conducive to problem solving.

Helps the counsellor to climb the steps of crisis intervention, especially to focus on issues and evaluate resources.

GOOD QUESTIONS CAN BE DIFFICULT FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Asking questions may seem rude or impolite.

It takes careful and deliberate thought to formulate a good question.

It is necessary to listen for content and feelings.

You may not have a lot of practice at asking good questions.

You may have the false belief that if someone wanted you to know something they would tell you.

6. It requires you to suspend your judgement, your need to control, and your need to manipulate the situation.

5.2.4 HELPFUL FEEDBACK Helpful feedback is necessary because there are always at least two people in the communication process. A healthy relationship exists when both people can express their feelings and thoughts in an honest, yet respectful manner.

It helps you as a volunteer counsellor to express your own feelings, values and perceptions, although your primary focus should be on the client.

It clarifies what is being felt and how communication is being received and perceived by both. It deepens the relationship between the client and counsellor.

SKILL GUIDELINES … HOW DO YOU DO IT? A counsellor can express positive or negative emotions when giving helpful feedback.

Helpful feedback: 1. It is specific.

2. You own it, take responsibility for your own words and feelings.

3. Sentences begin with “I feel” 4. It is helpful.

Harmful feedback: 1. It is vague.

2. You blame, condemn and accuse.

It sounds more like payback.

3. Sentences begin with “You” 4. It is hurtful.

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The following formula will help you give helpful feedback.

I feel (a specific thing) when (specific behaviour, circumstance, or action) because (a specific, personal reason) EXPRESSING POSITIVE EMOTIONS “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Prov. 16:24 At a follow-up meeting you find out your client has accomplished all the short-term goals you set up at your last meeting: Feedback:

“I feel so delighted by your hard work when you accomplished all the goals for yourself, because it shows how seriously you have taken the responsibility for this crisis.”

EXPRESSING NEGATIVE EMOTIONS “A wise woman’s heart guards her mouth and her lips promote instruction.” Prov. 16:23 A client is trying to get you to make decisions for him/her: Feedback:

“I feel resistant to responding when you ask me what you should do because I feel it is not my responsibility to make those decisions.”

BENEFITS OF HELPFUL FEEDBACK 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

The counsellor acts as a role model for open, honest and direct communication.

The counsellor reflects genuineness and humility.

It builds trust because the counsellor says what he/she feels and thinks.

The counsellor is forced to take ownership of his/her own feelings and perceptions.

It helps the counsellor from being drawn into the “Drama Triangle”.

Enables the counsellor to climb the steps of crisis intervention. Especially to encourage action and plan for a follow-up.

HELPFUL FEEDBACK CAN BE DIFFICULT FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS 1. The counsellor may have trouble putting his/her feelings into words.

2. It can feel awkward and uncomfortable.

3. It is easier to immediately react ‘from the gut’, instead of to stop, think, and sort out your own feelings before you speak.

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5.2.5 TENDER CONFRONTATION “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Prov. 15:1 The purpose of confrontation is to challenge someone to stop and reconsider his/her words or actions. When you confront people effectively, you help them see the contradictions in what they has said and done. Oftentimes the person is motivated to go one step further and to change their behaviour.

SKILL GUIDELINES … HOW DO YOU DO IT? You use the skills you have learned so far, reflective listening, interpretive listening, good questions and helpful feedback. All of these can by used to confront someone by merely changing your voice tone and inflection and by paying careful attention to timing. However, one skill may by more appropriate than other, in a given situation.

EXAMPLES Your 18 year old daughter insists that she be treated as an adult, yet consistently does not fulfil her agreed upon household duties. In a conversation where you are discussing the matter she says to you, “No matter what I do, you’ll never see me as anything but a child!”

Reflective: Interpretive: Feedback:

“I never see you as anything but a child.”

“Sounds like you are frustrated.”

“I feel taken advantage of when the dishes and vacuuming don’t get done because we both agreed that they would be your jobs.”

The keys in the suggested responses are the voice tone and inflection, body posture and gestures communicated along with the words. If any of these responses are used in a self-serving, sarcastic tone, it would be harmful. It is not what you say, but how you say it.

FOUR PREREQUISITES TO TENDER CONFRONTATION 1.

2.

3.

4.

The motive must be love.

The goal must be to benefit.

The context must be one of trust.

The nature of the feedback should be specific.

WHEN TO USE TENDER CONFRONTATION Timing is an important consideration when it comes to confrontation. Confrontation is usually appropriate in the following situations.

1. When there is a discrepancy between two statements the client makes.

2. A discrepancy between what the client says and does.

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3. A contradiction between what the client says and how her tone of voice, body posture and gestures suggest she really feels.

4. When a client rationalize or excuse.

5. When a client has false assumptions or misinformation.

BENEFITS OF TENDER CONFRONTAITON 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

Provides a client with information about him/herself.

Encourages the client to take responsibility for his/her words and actions.

It motivates the client to change his/her behaviour.

Communicates to the client that you have confidence in his/her ability to change and grow.

The counsellor acts as a role model for open, honest and direct communication.

Enables the counsellor to climb the steps to crisis intervention by focusing on issues and encouraging actions.

CONFRONTATION CAN BE DIFFICULT FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of hurting the client’s feelings, upsetting the client or getting the client angry.

Believing it won’t help anyway in the face of the overwhelming circumstances and situations.

Lack of practice. It feels awkward or uncomfortable.

Confronting before establishing the prerequisites to confrontation.

Painful past experiences with confrontation can make you question its worth and effectiveness.

“Better a patient man than a warrior.

A man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.”

Prov. 16:32

SECTION 6: EVANGELISM 6.1 WHAT IS EVANGELISM “Then Jesus came to them and said, ‘All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to Me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I will be with you always, to the very end of the age.” Math. 28:18-20 “But in your hearts set apart for Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.”

1 Peter 3:15 If evangelism is an integral part of the ministry of counselling, then it is very important what we mean by evangelism. Evangelism often means many different things to different people.

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6.2 OBSTACLES TO EVANGELISM Often volunteer counsellors find it difficult to know how and when to discuss spiritual matters in the course of the time they have with a client. There are many pressures, constraints, fears and insecurities surrounding evangelism.

Take a few moments to write down some of these obstacles to evangelism.

Fears about ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ Insecurities ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ Pressures ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ Constraints ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________ What steps can you take to overcome these obstacles?

6.3 LOOKING FOR THE TEACHABLE MOMENT Teachable moments are windows of opportunity within a conversation or situation where one is able to turn the discussion towards spiritual issues. This is the most loving approach, because evangelism takes place within the context of your relationship with the client and becomes focused on her issues and needs.

This is the most demanding form of evangelism. It demands that we be able to speak the truth of Scripture and the person of Jesus Christ form every conceivable angle.

Once again, the counselling tools are always the same. ď‚Š 4 Qualities of an effective helper: HUGE ď‚Š 5 Communication skills: RIGHT

6.4 SPIRITUAL AWARENESS CHART (See spiritual awareness chart) The spiritual awareness chart gives a clear picture of the responsibilities of those involved in the evangelism process. Evangelism is a process, because a person is drawn to Jesus Christ through a variety of people and circumstances, life encounters and information from many sources.

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GOD’S ROLE Revelation: Convict: Regenerate: Sanctify:

God’s disclosure of Himself to His creatures.

To prove or declare guilt of an offence.

To effect a complete moral reform in, to bring into existence again to renew or restore.

To make holy.

OUR ROLE Cultivate: Sow: Harvest: Discipling:

To prepare and work on in order to raise crops, to promote the growth of, to develop, to promote or foster, to seek the friendship of.

To scatter (seed) for growth, to spread or disseminate.

The gathering of the crops, the result of a process or event.

To teach, to train, to equip, to be a role model.

6.5 EVANGELISM IN CRISIS SITUATIONS See attached (p. 184-185).

SECTION 7: OTHER IMPORTANT INFO 7.1 VOCABULARY OF AFFECTIVE ADJECTIVES See attached (p. 237-240).

7.2 THE DRAMA TRIANGLE The Drama Triangle was described by Stephen Karpman as the process by which counsellors find themselves turned into frustrated rescuers, it is terrific drama, but terrible living. The Drama Triangle consist of 2 persons, playing 3 roles. The Drama Triangle starts with the Victim role and when the other person responds with the role of either the Rescuer or the Persecutor.

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When you realize that you have been drawn into a Drama Triangle with your client, you have to change your tactics completely by changing the roles.

The Rescue role is one in which we easily find ourselves, being compassionate and empathic and wanting to help.

But instead of being a Rescuer, rather be an Empowerer. Or you switch from being a Persecutor, to a being a Confronter.

You can see the client through different eyes, not as a helpless Victim in need of rescue, but rather get in touch with the clients real pain, instead of the pretend or imagined hurts.

Also you need to see the client as a Person of Worth, a Victor (“I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me”) capable of growth, change, problem solving and finding resources on her own. As an Empowerer you do not take charge of the problem or accept responsibility for the solution, the clients owns her own problem. You work with the client to find and reveal resources in her, believing they are present, even if the client do not believe it and acts helpless and as a victim. The Confronter sorts out and clarifies messages from the client, by recognizing and pointing out inconsistencies in the story. Reflecting errors in fact or reporting of the situation is needed and appropriate, but not with a judgemental attitude. Being honest and forthright is effective, for example saying, “You seem to expect me to do so and so, and I am not willing to do that”.

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Victim: Client: Believes she can’t be helped.

Counsellor: Feels used.

Victor/ Person of Worth: Capable of finding resources and problem solving on her own.

Has real pain.

Is competent in her own life situation.

Rescuer:

Persecutor:

Counsellor: Needs to solve the problem.

Client: Refuses help, frustrating the Counsellor.

Counsellor: Gets angry with the client for not following advice, or accepting solutions.

Empowerer: See Victim as Victor, Person of Worth.

Do not take charge of the problem.

Do not accept responsibility for the solution.

Finds and reveals client’s strengths and resources.

Believes in the client.

Confronter: Knows client owns the problem.

Sorts out and clarifies client messages.

Points out inconsistencies.

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Counsellor is RESCUER: I ...

fix protect rescue control carry their feelings don’t listen.

I feel ...tired anxious fearful liable.

Jesus is RESCUER: I ...

show empathy encourage share confront level am sensitive listen.

I feel... relaxed free aware

I am concerned with: the solution answers circumstances being right details performance.

I am concerned with: relating person to person feelings the person.

I am a manipulator.

I am a helper-guide (minister).

I expect the client to live up to my expectations.

I expect client to be responsible for herself and her own decisions and actions.

I believe that Holy Spirit is the Counsellor and Jesus is the Rescuer.

I can trust and let go.

Jesus is the real Rescuer...you as the counsellor cannot rescue or heal someone, just point them to Jesus.

He is faithful.

His love never fails.

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Arise, shine; for your light has come!

And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you.

For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, And deep darkness the people; But the Lord will arise over you, And His glory will be seen upon you. –Is 60: 1-2

Heart’s DeLight: Counsellor Handbook: a Way to Wellness

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The Therapeutic Process

12 KEYS TO FREEDOM  Invite the Gardener in: 1.

Admit own powerlessness

2. Hope in God 3. Decision to surrender to God

 Uproot the weeds: 4. Inventory: Free to Love Workbook 5. Confession 6. Willing to change 7. Prayer 8. List of people harmed 9. Set matters right

 Sowing the Good Seed 10. Regular inventory 11. Contact with God 12. Testify

 Secret Garden of the Heart: Jesus the Constant Gardener  Spirit-controlled Temperament  Free to Love Workbook: Honor and Dishonor Curses to Blessing Inventory and Forgiveness

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You shall be like a watered garden –Is 58:11 Your inner self (incorruptible beauty of the hidden person of the heart) is like a Secret Garden.

It is a walled garden, with a locked door.

You have to guard your heart, the door and walls are there for your protection.

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it spring the issues of life. –Prov. 4:23 Jesus is the Constant Gardener, that stands by the door and knock.

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him. –Rev. 3:20 Only the Key of Love can unlock the door of your Secret Garden The Love of Jesus is perfect (unconditional) love that cast out all fear.

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy, I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. –John 10:10 When your walls are broken, your Secret Garden suffers plunder and destruction.

Your walls are the boundaries in your relationships and self-control.

Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls. –Prov. 25:28

He who believes in Me, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water. –John 7:38

PARABLE OF THE SOWER (Luke 7: 4-15) Two kinds of seed are constantly being sowed into your Secret Garden. The incorruptible seed of the Word of God, and weed - both takes root downward and bear fruit upward. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faithulness, gentleness, self-control. –Gal. 5:22.

For the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and righteousness and truth. –Eph. 5:9.

The weed (flesh/sinful nature) can also take root and bear fruit. For the works of the flesh are adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like. –Gal. 5:19-21.

And the weed that also produces fruit in your life. The fruit of the Spirit is:

For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death. –Rom. 8:2 Jesus can be your Constant Gardener. Weeding and pruning, and perfecting in you all the beauty, splendor and glory of JESUS that the Father created you contain.

What does your Secret Garden look like?

Does the Constant Gardener live there?

Does He walk with you, and talk with you, and tells you that He loves you?

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The Spirit-controlled Temperament Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. –Gal.5:16, 18.

And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

If we are led by the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. –Gal. 5:24, 25 What Season/Temperament is your Secret Garden?

Every Temperament has its own weeds/ desires and passions of the flesh that they fight against.

Some of us are summer gardens, some are spring gardens, some winter gardens and some fall gardens. Every garden is beautiful in its own way, with a unique purpose, strength and fruit to bear and share.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. –Ecc. 33:1

The challenge for all of us is not to try and fix ourselves we must stop the constant renovations and home makeovers of the soul. The self-hatred and self-rejection that cause us so much pain.

A garden cannot weed or prune itself, you can only invite the Constant Gardener into your Secret Garden.

Give Him access to every secret part of your heart. To shine His light into every dark corner. To pull up the weed and thorns. To break up the hard ground, to soak it in His Spirit, to water it with His living waters. To open up your inner wells and unblock the rivers of living waters that can flow from the heart.

He designed and created the Secret Garden of your Heart.

He foreknew you and dreamed you into being.

You have been wonderfully and fearfully made (Ps. 139:40) The incorruptible seed of the Word will take root and bear much fruit in your heart.

You are a Christ-Container.

You are full of GOODNESS, RIGHTEOUSNESS AND TRUTH.

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The Secret Garden of your Heart Inviting the Constant Gardener into your Garden Consider these prayerfully...ask Holy Spirit to show you His Love & Truth, where your heart has been wounded and where you need ministry/counselling.

Then pray it through with a fellow Christian (spriritual brother, sister, father or mother in Christ).Allow Him to use these KEYS to unlock your heart, and set you free.

1. What do I have to do to be saved? (John 3:3)  GOAL Person admits that she is powerless in her own knowledge and power to change and renew her life and heart. Only God in Christ Jesus, through the mighty work of the indwelling Holy Spirit can change our hearts and renew our minds, set us free, restore and heal our lives and relationships.  METHOD To be born again of the spirit. Discuss if the person has been born again, and baptized with the Holy Spirit and water. Is the person part of a faith-family, and an active member of a local congregation where she has access to spiritual support, mentoring, discipleship and accountability.

The weapons of our Warfare: Discuss the reality of the spiritual realm and the spiritual forces and battles we all face. Our fight is never against flesh and blood, we have an enemy and we need to prepare for battle: equip the person with the weapons of our warfare in Christ Jesus.

The Life-Light The Word was first, the Word present to God, God present to the Word. The Word was God, in readiness for God from day one. Everything was created through Him; nothing – not one thing! – came into being without Him. What came into existence was Life, and the Life was Light to live by. The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness; the darkness couldn’t put it out.

The Life-Light was the real thing: Every person entering Life He brings into Light. He was in the world, the world was there through Him, and yet the world didn’t even notice. He came to His own people, but they didn’t want Him. But whoever did want Him, who believed He was who He claimed and would do what He said, He made to be their true selves, their child-of-God selves. – John 1: 1-14 (Msg) To be saved you have to want Him and believe Him, that He is who He says He is and that He will do what He says. Embrace the Life-Light and allow Him to make you into your true self… your Child-ofGod-Self.

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Here is a step-by-step process.

First, you must consider your life and then turn away from everything in it that is contrary to what God wants. This turning away from selfishness and toward God is called repentance (Matt. 3: 7-10; Acts 3:19). Now it’s time to change your ways! Turn to face God so He can wipe away your sins, pour out showers of blessings to refresh you, and send you the Messiah He prepared for you, namely, Jesus. – Acts 3:19 (Msg) Second, you must acknowledge that Jesus Christ died on the Cross to forgive you of sin. You take Him as your Savior to cleanse you from sin – as the substitute who paid the price due for your sin (Rom. 5:9,10; Titus 2:14). God’s readiness to give and forgive in now public. Salvation’s available for everyone! We’re being shown how to turn our backs on a Godless, indulgent life, and how to take on a God-filled, God-honoring life. This new life is starting right now, and it is whetting our appetities for the glorious day when our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, appears. He offered Himself as a sacrifice to free us from a dark, rebellious life into this good, pure life, making us a people He can be proud of, energetic in goodness. – Titus 2: 14 (Msg) Third, you must ask Him to be Lord of your life, acknowledging openly and verbally that Jesus is not only your Savior but your Lord (1 John 2:23).The Bible says that as many as received Him were given the power to become the sons of God (John 1:12). So when you open your heart and receive Him, He comes into your heart –your inner person – through His Holy Spirit, and begins to live His life in you. From that point it is your privilege and call to confess what God has done (Rom. 10:9).

-sourced from: Spriritual Answers to Hard Questions, Spirit Filled Life Bible.

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Daily Declaration Today I consecrate my whole being to Jesus Christ, body soul and spirit.

I am at war; I have an enemy, I prepare for battle.

Today is the day that the Lord has made! I will rejoice and be glad in it! Ps 118:24 Today is the day that I will walk in love, light and wisdom! Eph 5 Today is the day that my home will be filled with love, peace and joy!

Today is the day that I will live in victory! I am seated with Christ at the right hand of the Father in the heavenly places. Far above all principality, power, might and dominion, and every name that is named not only in this age but also in that which is to come. Eph 1:20-23, 2:6 Today is the day that I will be strong in the Lord and the power of His might!

For the weapons of our warfare are mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. 2 Cor 10:4,5.

Today is the day that I will be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, make my requests known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard my heart and mind through Christ Jesus.

Phil. 4:6,7 Today is the day that I put on the full armor of God – to vigorously oppose, bravely resist and stand my ground in Christ.

I put on the helmet of salvation: I will not believe any lie from the father of lies.

I will make NO AGREEMENTS with the enemy of my soul. My mind is renewed. I will resist.

I put on the breastplate of righteousness. I am righteous in Christ.

I will guard my heart, I will not fall into guilt and condemnation, but walk humbly in repentance. For I know that the enemy seeks to kill, steal and destroy my heart.

I put on the girdle of truth. I will have truth in my innermost being.

Expose every lie and live openly and honestly in my relationships.

I put on my feet the preparation of the gospel of peace.

Knowing that I go to war to advance the Kingdom of Peace.

I take up the shield of faith, to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.

To stop all thoughts, plans, schemes and agreements of the wicked one against myself and my loved ones- before it wounds us.

I take up the sword of the Spirit – the Word of God, to destroy the works of the enemy. Eph 6:10-20.

Today is the day that I will not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of my mind, that I may proof that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Rom 12

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THE RACE OF FAITH † RENEW YOUR SPIRITUAL VITALITY -Heb. 12

For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls. You have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin.– Heb. 12:3,4

Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed. Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled. – Heb. 12-15

And the Angel of the Lord appeared to him, and said to him, “The Lord is with you, you mighty man of valor.”

- Judges 6:12 I will never leave you nor nor forsake you.

The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?

Heb. 13:6

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2. Hope in God  GOAL Impart, stir and cultivate hope in the person’s heart that the she and her relationships can be restored and healed. That Father God in Christ Jesus can deliver her from her character flaws and weaknesses and habitual sins.  METHOD Hope in God, not in own abilities or power. Discuss how the person can submit herself to spiritual authority. Firstly to God, also to spiritual leaders in her faith-community (though not blindly, but where there is healthy and not abusive leadership). Discuss the role of the wife in marriage and the importance that the husband is the head of the home and the spiritual leader of the home. A lot of people struggle with this, especially where they have been exposed to abusive authority/ leadership in the past. Is she you free to love? Any unresolved childhood trauma will make cause trust issues.

QUESTIONNAIRE ON AUTHORITY FIGURES (TRUST vs DISTRUST) 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

What is your reaction usually to authority/ authority figures in your life.

Are you openly rebellious and defiant?

Are you too submissive and find it hard to say no?

Who is the first authority figure in your life that you can remember.

Did that person protect and guide you, or did he disappoint you?

Was the person domineering and wanted to control your life?

How was your relationship with the person.

How is your confidence in authority figures broken down in the past?

Give examples.

What was the effect on your attitude to authority?

What do you want your counselor to do to win your trust.

How do you want to be treated by your counselor.

Do you believe that God exists, that He is good, He loves you just as you are?

What do you want God to do to prove to you that He exists and that you can trust Him? Are you willing to give yourself over to a Power greater than yourself. To God?

3.

Surrender to God

 GOAL To make a decision to surrender to God from a self-centered to a God-centered life.  METHOD Focus on insight development in own will vs. God’s will and guide person to surrender to God.

Bespreek:

1. My will 2. My life 3. Self-centered vs. God-centered 4. What holds me back from surrendering my heart

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1. My will What is your will or your willpower, where is it?

"You are a spirit, you live in a body and you have a soul" (1 Thess. 5: 23) • Body • Soul (Thoughts / Mind / Intellect, Emotions, Will) • Spirit God gave man a free will. "God is a gentleman." He will never force against your will. "Behold I stand at the door and knock ..." You have the choice to use your will and exercise your willpower to make decisions. Your will is your own, that's your choice: do you want to live according to your won desires or do you want to surrender your will to God, and live according to His will. YOU CAN ONLY SURRENDER IF YOU CAN TRUST HIM, AND KNOW THAT HE LOVES YOU AND THAT YOU ARE SAFE WITH HIM AND IN HIS WILL.

2. My life Your life is a gift, given to you by God. The body is just a temporary home, then you move on to the eternal. If your life comes from God and return to God, is it really yours? God give it and take it away again. What does your life consist of? Your breath / your time here on earth. Your relationships (family, friends), work, leisure, sports etc.. What happened to the quality of your life when you and your own will was at the helm. Was the fruit life or was it death?

Deut. 30: 19, 20; “I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing, therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live.”

The world teaches you, "You are the master of your own universe!" The Word of God says He must be God in your life. You have to choose, do you believe the world or do you believe the Word of God.

3. Self-centered vs. God-centered What does your life look like when you are the center and everything turn around you and your needs and desires. It only causes destruction. (James 7: 13-18, "self-seeking and bitter envy") How did it affect the people around you, were they happy?

4. What is holding you back from surrender What are you afraid to lose if you surrender your will and life to God? • Extra-marital affair / s • Dependent relationships • Lifestyle that does not honor God • Ways to escape • Selfish desires and needs • Decide how and where to serve God • Unwillingness to fail/ Fear of failure • Disbelief • Unforgiveness and right to revenge

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What do you fear?

• Fear of what God expects of me • Fear of losing my individuality • Fear of intense emotional pain • Fear of emotional unbelief

Are you free to love?

Make a list of what is holding you back from surrendering your heart to God:

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Free to Love Topics include: 1.

Communication

a. Recognizing different levels of communication b. Resolving conflicts

2. Purpose and Plan a. Overview of God’s plan and purpose for the individual and family

3. Identity and Destiny a. Seven critical times of blessing

4. Life patterns a. Eight adult life patterns b. Impact of lack of blessing/cursing of identity

5. Curses and Blessings a. Releasing God’s blessing b. Practical steps to freedom from cursing c. Personal ministry

‘’ He has sent Me to heal the broken-hearted to proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prison to those who are bound. ‘’ –Is. 61:1

“ Is this not the fast that I have chosen?

To lose the bonds of wickedness, To undo the heavy burdens, To let the oppressed go free, And that you break every yoke?” Is. 58: 6

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Honor & Dishonor Words can Hurt or Heal – Tame your Tongue A. Two levels of communication → Topical (verbal) issue and → Relational/Identity (non-verbal) issue.

B. Honour vs. Dishonour Definition of honour: “ A decision I make to place high value, worth and importance on another person by viewing him/her as a priceless gift and granting him/her a position in my life worthy of great respect.”

Honor in Hebrew means to make very heavy, dishonor is to make light/light of. 





Basis of honour: PERSONHOOD/IDENTITY, NOT PERFORMANCE/BEHAVIOUR – Unconditional love/acceptance not based on performance/behaviour  Separate identity and behaviour!!!!

Consequences of not separating identity and behaviour: o You will dishonour when attempting to correct behaviour o You will sow these 3 attitudes in others:  Rebellion  Correction = rejection  Honour/acceptance comes only from correct behaviour Cycles of dishonour: Deut. 5:16, 27:16 o Children who have been dishonoured by parents, will dishonour parents. o Children who have dishonoured parents will dishonour spouse/children. o Compulsive habits/destructive lifestyle patterns are often initiated at the time a decisive choice of rebellion against parents are made…

Relational Communication A. B. C. D. E.

Two levels of communication Honour vs. Dishonour When identity is cursed Ways we dishonour each other How to resolve relational conflict

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C. When identity is cursed

Jas 1:26 - If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.

Two important things are value and significance:  Personal value: Each person has a need to feel valuable and significant. Husbands and wives perceive value differently: o Husband: value = significance: a realization that I am engaged in a responsibility/job that is truly important, whose results will not evaporate with time, but will last through eternity, that fundamentally involves having a meaningful impact on another person, a job for which I am completely adequate. o Wife: value = security/love: a convinced awareness of being unconditionally and totally loved without needing to change in order to win love, loved by a love that is freely given, that cannot be earned and therefore cannot be lost.

When identity is cursed, person dishonoured:  Husband feel unjustly accused, inadequate and displeasing, e.g. “she is always displeased with me”, “I can’t do anything right or good in her sight”, “when I go out of my way to do something extra/special for her, she only complains”, “even if I spent all my time and energy to please her, she still wouldn’t be happy”, “ in her sight I am just an inadequate husband, father, Christian and man”.  Wives feel unloved and not cared for, e.g. “he doesn’t really love me, he just doesn’t ever think about me”, “he is totally selfish, I am nr. 9,999 on his list, his career, friends, ministry, hobbies, sport and everything else are before me, I don’t mean anything to him”, “if I died tomorrow his life would go on unchanged, he’ll only need to hire a housekeeper, baby-sitter and cook”, “ no matter what I do I just can’t get him to pay any attention to me”.

Reactions to dishonour: 1. Fight: defend, attack, anger.

2. Flight: withdraw, silence, coldness, pouting.

Do I dishonour others (loved ones: spouse/children) in the way I speak to them?

AND am I dishonoured by others?

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D. Ways we dishonour each other 1.

Wife can dishonour husband through: a. Withholding her heart from him b. Withholding sex as a manipulative weapon c. Physical violence d. Outbursts of anger e. Adultery f. Constant criticism and complaining g. Comparison with other men h. Making him her god i. Making her children her god j. Holding unforgiveness (IOU’s) against him 2. Husband can dishonour the wife through: a. Giving her no access to his heart b. Sexually violating her before marriage c. Sexual insensitivity to her within marriage d. Adultery e. Lording it over her in authoritarian insensitivity f. Constant criticism g. Physical violence h. Outbursts of anger i. Making his career or ministry his god j. Never hugging or showing physical affection k. Pride: never sharing a need 3. Parents and children: a. The rest of this article will focus on that.

E. How to resolve relational conflict 1. Ask God to make you sensitive and discern when you have hurt your partner.

2. If you’ve been hurt, go to God for comfort and truth and then forgive and release your partner.

3. When you have discerned that your partner is hurt, don’t evaluate whether he/she should be or not, ask God 2 questions: a. How have I cursed my partner’s identity? b. How have I made him/her feel?

4. Verify your partner’s feelings 5. Do not: a. Defend or explain b. Apologize tritely c. Attack d. Say: “you shouldn’t feel that way” e. Give advice f. Give correction 6. Repent and ask your partner to forgive you for hurting him/her 7. Bless your partner.

Prov 12:18 - There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.

Prov 15:4 - A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit.

Prov 18:21 - Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

Prov 21:23 - Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.

-

KJV

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Stand Firm in your Freedom THE BATTLE FOR THE SOUL 1.

WHO AM I? a. b.

c.

d.

Spirit, soul and body (1 Thess. 5:23) New creation in the spirit (2 Cor. 5:17): i. Body of sin done away with, in the spirit (Rom. 6:6) ii. Incorruptible seed in the spirit (1 Pet. 1:23) iii. Seed cannot sin (1 John 3:9) iv. Spirit is alive and full of Jesus’ righteousness (Rom 8:10) v. Born again spirit is one with the Lord (1 Cor 6:17) Soul is in process of salvation: i. Receipt of the Word in humility, engrafts it and saves the soul (James 1:21) ii. Faith in God brings salvation to the soul (1 Pet 1:9) iii. Soul must be transformed (Rom 12:2) Flesh: i. Not just the physical body, but the remnant of sin. ii. Nature of the flesh is hatred toward God (Rom 8: 6 – 8)

e.

f.

2. BATTLE FOR THE SOUL a.

b.

c.

d.

Spirit and flesh war against each other (Gal 5: 16 – 17) i. You cannot walk in the spirit and flesh at the same time (vs 16) – when you open door of spirit, door of flesh closes…

How does the flesh capture the soul? i. Conscious choice ii. Lack of knowledge iii. Deception (Rom 7:11, Heb 3: 12 – 13) What is the purpose of the flesh? i. Either Jesus in your spirit or you in the flesh at work (John 14:10) When soul is out of peace, the flesh brings comfort (Heb 4:10)

g.

h.

What moves the soul out of peace? i. Fear hath torment (1 John 4:18) ii. Fear of death keeps us in slavery to the devil (Heb 2: 14 – 15) What does the soul do when agitated by fear? i. Cuts off life of God in the spirit (Eph 4:18) ii. Seeks to save its own life (Mark 8: 35 – 37) iii. Fleshly comfort: anger, alcohol, drugs, sex, food, shopping, TV, sports, etc.

What activates fear? i. Lack of God’s love produces fear (1 John 4:18) ii. Because faith (opposite of fear) works through love (Gal. 5:6) iii. Natural mind’s interpretation of circumstances (1 Cor 2:14) Three basic lies of the devil which produce fear (1 Cor 2:14) i. God doesn’t love you and neither does anyone else. ii. You are worthless and of no value. iii. God won’t take care of you and your needs won’t be met.

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i.

In the flesh  Soul out of peace  Fear of death: torment  Lack of love  Perfect love Truth (against the lie that contains the fear)

j.

Two fears i. Identity: no value ii. Welfare: needs not met Two fleshly reactions i. Pride: if you are of no value, do something to make yourself of value 1. Outward: arrogance 2. Inward: self-pity ii. Rebellion: do whatever you need to do to get your own needs met 1. All deeds of the flesh stem from pride and rebellion rooted in fear.

2. Example: reaction to relational message in traffic.

Jos_10:25 And Joshua said unto them, Fear not, nor be dismayed, be strong and of good courage: for thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies against whom ye fight. 1Ch_28:20 And David said to Solomon his son, Be strong and of good courage, and do it: fear not, nor be dismayed: for the LORD God, even my God, will be with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee, until thou hast finished all the work for the service of the house of the LORD. Psa_56:4 In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me. Psa_118:6 The LORD is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me? Joe_2:21 Fear not, O land; be glad and rejoice: for the LORD will do great things.

Heb_13:6 So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me. Deu_20:3 And shall say unto them, Hear, O Israel, ye approach this day unto battle against your enemies: let not your hearts faint, fear not, and do not tremble, neither be ye terrified because of them; Deu_31:8 And the LORD, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed. Jos_10:25 And Joshua said unto them, Fear not, nor be dismayed, be strong and of good courage: for thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies against whom ye fight. Psa_46:2 Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Pro_3:25 Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh. Isa_35:4 Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong, fear not: behold, your God will come with vengeance, even God with a recompence; he will come and save you. Isa_41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isa_41:13 For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. Isa_43:1 But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. Isa_44:2 Thus saith the LORD that made thee, and formed thee from the womb, which will help thee; Fear not, O Jacob, my servant; and thou, Jesurun, whom I have chosen. Isa_44:8 Fear ye not, neither be afraid: have not I told thee from that time, and have declared it? ye are even my witnesses. Is there a God beside me? yea, there is no God; I know not any. Isa_54:4 Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more. Isa_54:14 In righteousness shalt thou be established: thou shalt be far from oppression; for thou shalt not fear: and from terror; for it shall not come near thee. Jer_30:10 Therefore fear thou not, O my servant Jacob, saith the LORD; neither be dismayed, O Israel: for, lo, I will save thee from afar, and thy seed from the land of their captivity; and Jacob shall return, and shall be in rest, and be quiet, and none shall make him afraid. Jer_46:27 But fear not thou, O my servant Jacob, and be not dismayed, O Israel: for, behold, I will save thee from afar off, and thy seed from the land of their captivity; and Jacob shall return, and be in rest and at ease, and none shall make him afraid. Dan_10:19 And said, O man greatly beloved, fear not: peace be unto thee, be strong, yea, be strong. And when he had spoken unto me, I was strengthened, and said, Let my lord speak; for thou hast strengthened me. Mat_10:31 Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows. Luk_8:50 But when Jesus heard it, he answered him, saying, Fear not: believe only, and she shall be made whole. Luk_12:7 But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows. Luk_12:32 Fear not, little flock; for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Rom_8:15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. 2Ti_1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. Heb_13:6 So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me. 1Jn_4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. Rev_1:17 And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying unto me, Fear not; I am the first and the last:

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FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real) – a lie, smoke and mirrors, no real power, only deception.  In what area of your life is your soul out of peace? Is there fear that torments your soul: ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ (Work/finance/marriage/children/other relationships/your identity/etc)  What lie of the enemy causes the fear? ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________

 What truth in the Word does God give you, to cast out the fear? ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________

1. Ask Holy Spirit to expose the lies of the enemy.... take authority over the lies of enemy and declare that you will not believe them or agree with them.

2. Repent of believing and agreeing with the lie of the enemy of your soul.

3. Receive LOVE and TRUTH from Jesus, the Lover of your soul. Ask Jesus to exchange the lie with the TRUTH and to fill you with His LOVE. 4. Remember: the enemy will test you again in this area... so stand firm and do not give up the ground you have gained.

Abide in the Father, the “Father in Me do the works”– otherwise it is you In your own flesh trying to do the works of the Father.

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2. GOD’S PURPOSE AND PLAN FOR FAMILIES 1. We have forsaken the ancient paths (God’s ways): God’s plan for the family (Jer 6: 13 – 16) a. A family is a spiritual entity not just a collection of people living under one roof. b. A family is one male and one female joined together by God in a marriage covenant.

Children are conceived, born and reared within the spiritual protection of covenant. c. A family is a unit (Luke 1:27, Acts 16:31) i. House (Greek: oikos, means, descendants thereof, Math 12:29) ii. An enemy must bind the strongman in order to plunder his house (Math 12: 28 – 29) iii. Iniquity, not sin, is transmitted generationally (Ex 34:7) d. A family is an atom, an atom is not just a collection of particles, but rather is bound together with a nuclear force. When an atom is split, a devastating chain reaction is initiated releasing a powerful destructive force. The family is like an atom and when split, undergoes in the spirit realm a similar nuclear reaction. e. God designed the family to work as follows: i. Responsibility of the parents for children ii. Submission of children to parents: which produces in children 1. Covering, which produces 2. protection, which produces 3. security, which produces 4. correct Godly personality development and 5. correct Godly destiny and direction in life. f. God intends for people to move form one circle of protection directly to another with no in-between exposure (Gen 2:24)

2. Why don’t marriage partners “cleave” to each other (Gen 2:24, 25) a. You cannot cleave if you didn’t leave b. Leaving is not physical, it is spiritual and soulical.

3. Why doesn’t one leave? a. You cannot leave if you’re not blessed b. Lack of blessing creates a bondage in the soul to the present parent. c. Two different manifestations of a soul tie to a parent: i. External hardness (I don’t need blessing and acceptance) ii. External longing (I’ll do anything for blessing and acceptance)

4. Marital relationship remains under the curse due to lack of blessing a. The wife desires and the husband rules (Gen 3:16) i. Desire: Hebrew teshuquah: pursue, run after, chase down. ii. Rule: Hebrew mashal: exercise authority over, put under ones feet.

5. Lack of blessing usually results in establishment of false image a. False images contain hurt, which produces fear regarding identity and welfare i. Fear torments the soul: 1. The flesh rises up to comfort the soul with pride and rebellion.

2. Other works of the flesh stem out of the above.

6. Blessing: to receive, consider a success, TO EMPOWER TO PROSPER. 7. Power of blessing (Gen 27: 34 – 41) 8. Blessing is God’s ordained method of imparting identity and destiny

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a. b. c. d.

God established in ancient cultures measures to insure blessing Our culture has been stripped of all God’s protective measures Without blessing, we have an entire generation of people without identity and destiny Without a Godly culture. we must have knowledge (Hosea 4:6)

3. IDENTITY AND DESTINY 1. INTRODUCTION God is determined to bless you and your family, as He promised to Abraham (Gen. 12:3): “And in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed”. It is God’s nature and character to bless people!

Blessing is God’s ordained method of imparting identity and destiny.

Remember from previous sessions, God is not the enemy – cursing or lack of blessing is the result of sin and iniquity, or schemes of the enemy. God made provision for our blessing, and created the covenant of marriage where parents are positioned to protect and bless their children, thus imparting God’s identity and destiny.

But we live in a broken world – the result is that lack of blessing or cursing happens! Our parents aren’t perfect, even if they loved us wholeheartedly.

2. IDENTITY AND DESTINY Def: Blessing: To receive, consider a success, to empower to prosper, to love unconditionally (acceptance not based on behaviour/performance).

Def: Cursing: Lack of blessing, to reject, to consider a failure, abuse (verbal, emotional, physical, sexual), conditional love.

Power of the spoken word: God speaks and created the heavens and the earth; we are children of God, we speak and…

Identity: My perception of me Destiny: Sense of purpose in life (parents are bow that shoot the arrow towards target) The following are POTENTIAL results of cursing/lack of blessing. The way you have been treated by others in your life (cursing or blessing) is never deterministic, but only influential. Your RESPONSE to the way people treat you determines the outcome of your life. (You are not a victim, you have a choice how to react and deal with it!).

NOBODY HAS THE AUTHOURITY TO DESTROY YOUR LIFE, UNLESS YOU GIVE THEM THAT AUTHORITY. ONLY GOD HAS THE AUTHORITY TO GIVE/TAKE LIFE. You can be free by forgiving the offender and by cutting yourself loose from the offender and all ungodly ties because of unforgiveness and bitterness: JESUS PAID FOR THE SIN – remember often forgiveness is like peeling an onion – it may take time as God takes you deeper and deeper.

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3. 7 CRITICAL TIMES OF BLESSING 1.

CONCEPTION A. Blessed: Wanted, accepted, received. Occurs between husband and wife in covenant marriage relationship. Occurs in love and not in lust.

B. Cursed: Not wanted, not accepted, not received. Resented as an intrusion into life of parents.

Occurs outside wedlock (Deut. 23:2, enemy has legal authority over them for 10 generations). Occurs in lust.

C. Potential results, feelings in child of: Rejection, depression, fear, lust, irrational anger, “I didn’t ask to be born”, guilt, “I’m a mistake”.

D. God’s concern and protective measures in ancient Hebrew culture: Capital punishment for fornication and adultery. Cultural attitude toward children (children were a blessing/wealth). Cultural attitude towards marriage.

2. PREGNANCY A. Blessed: Wanted, accepted, received. Lack of emotional stress and turmoil. Nurturing, love and anticipation.

B. Cursed: Not wanted, not accepted, not received (Ps. 58:3). Child considered intrusion into mother’s life. No nurturing or love.

C. Potential results, feelings in child of: Rejection, depression, fear, lust, irrational anger, “I didn’t ask to be born”, guilt, “I’m a mistake”.

D. God’s concern and protective measures in ancient Hebrew culture: Mother relieved of other duties during pregnancy. Cultural attitude towards children.

3. BIRTH (Mother plays main role in imparting identity and destiny) A. Blessed (Is. 44: 1-2, 24): Received as the sex that God created (Sexual/gender identity). Received, loved and nurtured by parents. Reasonably trauma-free birth.

B. Cursed: Born the ‘wrong’ sex. Not received, or loved or nurtured by parents. Trauma during birth.

C. Potential results: Fear of death (Heb. 2: 14-15). Insecurity. Fear in adulthood (all varied types of phobias). Homosexuality. Striving to become what parents wanted. Anger and frustration.

D. God’s concern and protective measures in ancient Hebrew culture: Entire community anticipated with joy the birth of a child. Blessing by Rabbi and family at birth. Circumcision and/or naming on the 8th day.

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4. INFANCY (Mother plays main role in imparting identity and destiny) A. Blessed: Acceptance, love and nurturing. Breast-feeding and close bonding with mother.

Physical affection of father.

B. Cursed: No physical affection or nurturing of mother or father. No security established by needs being met. No bonding with mother.

C. Potential results: Fear of death. Establishment of identity in self (If you want your needs to be met or want something done, you’ll have to do it yourself).

D. God’s concern and protective measures in ancient Hebrew culture: Mother’s attitude of making the infant a priority. Later age of weaning (usually 3 or 4 years old). Cultural attitudes toward marriage and family.)

5. PUBERTY (Father plays main role in imparting identity and destiny) A. Blessed: Parents separate identity from behaviour. Relationship with parents facilitates sharing of feelings (not children are seen and not heard!). Father through acceptance and blessing severs identity from mother. 3 Fold blessing: (i).

Confirmation of gender identity. (ii) Confirmation of God’s plan and blessing. (iii) Parental blessing and release into manhood/womanhood.

B. Cursed: Parents curse identity in attempt to correct behaviour. Lack of open relationship with father (reasons: death, desertion, divorce, apathy, insecurity, ignorance). No acceptance or blessing. Parental attitude of shame/embarrassment over physical changes. Sexual violation: molestation, incest, abuse.

C. Potential results: Insecurity and insignificance. Striving to prove manhood/womanhood.

Rebellion. Lack of release into proper gender identity. Retention of identity with the mother. Life-long unrest in soul and quest for identity.

D. God’s concern and protective measures in ancient Hebrew culture: Bar Mitzvah and other such ceremonies.

6. MARRIAGE A. Blessed: Son/daughter has parents blessing for marriage. Parent and child are in agreement about the marriage partner and timing. Acceptance and reception of child’s marriage partner. Wedding attended and blessed by both sets of parents.

B. Cursed: Parents refuse to attend wedding. Parents maintain that it is a wrong choice and won’t work. Parents refuse to accept marriage partner. Parents won’t release child to cleave to spouse.

C. Potential results:

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Marriage labours under a curse. Judgement, resentment, and bitterness toward parents (bondage). Both partners strive to disprove parents. Unhealthy tie back to parents causing inability to cleave to spouse.

D. God’s concern and protective measures in ancient Hebrew culture: Marriages arranged by parents and thus blessed. Cultural attitude and covenant understanding of marriage.

Classical concept of dating: Motive of self-gratification (“have fun – no consequences”). Based on physical attraction. No long term goal. Short term, breakable, uncommitted relationship is good practice/preparation for divorce, not for marriage! The heart (emotions) is broken and shredded when relationship is terminated.

“Love is blind” – often make foolish choices. Young/single people must learn: You are not your own.

- Your heart and body are not yours to give to whom you will.

- Commit yourself to spiritual, emotional and physical/sexual purity.

- Commit to partner in agreement with your parents regarding God’s will for a future marriage partner.

7. OLDER AGE A. Blessed: Children rise up and bless their parents later in life (Prov. 31: 28-29). This completes the cycle of blessing.

B. Cursed: Children curse their parents later in life. Children are retained in resentment and bitterness in adulthood.

C. Potential results: Parents are retained in bondage and never come to know Christ. Parents are robbed of enjoying their children’s friendship. Children are never blessed and freed in their identities. Children’s lives are shortened and don’t prosper due to dishonour (Deut. 5:16).

D. God’s concern and protective measures in ancient Hebrew culture: Cultural attitude of children towards parents. Parental blessing of children created a desire to bless parents.

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THE ROAD TO FREEDOM

I walk down a road.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost….. I am helpless… It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place, but, it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in… it’s a habit….. my eyes are open…

I know where I am!

It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

I walk down another street… what a great feeling!!!

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4. LIFE PATTERNS A. EIGHT ADULT LIFE PATTERNS 1. FATHER REJECTS SON: HE REJECTS FATHER'S BLESSING WINTER (MALE)   





2.   



Predisposed not to receive love from a man.

Expects to be rejected and not approved of by men.

Identity likely to be established in: 1. Self: independent, macho image.

1.1 Career: work-aholism, striving for achievement.

1.2 Money: stinginess, fear of lack, need to accumulate.

1.3 Power and status: shallow, manipulative.

1.4 Ministry: ministry superstar.

1.5 Any role in which he feels he can prove himself to be a real man.

Potential results: 1. Conflict with male authorities.

2. Doesn't need or trust other people.

3. Is insensitive to the needs of others.

4. Hard and harsh in relationships.

5. Reproduces in his own life hated qualities of his father.

Relationship in marriage: 1. Wife's primary purpose is to complete his masculine identity.

2. He doesn't enter her world.

3. He doesn't grant her access to his heart.

4. He comes across as insensitive, discourteous and selfish.

5. Wife feels: 5.1 Not loved.

5.2 Not needed.

5.3 Low priority.

5.4 Used sexually.

FATHER REJECTS SON: HE STRIVES AFTER FATHER'S BLESSING: SUMMER (MALE) Predisposed to strive after love and acceptance from a man.

Will do whatever is needed to be accepted and approved of.

Identity likely to be established in: 1. Others: Cares very deeply what others think of him.

1.1 Wife 1.2 Children 1.3 Hero 1.4 Boss 1.5 Pastor 1.6 Friends Potential results: 1. Highly sensitive to the needs of others.

2. Compassionate and caring.

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

3.   





3. Perceived as weak or sissy.

4. Highly self-critical.

5. Undo striving to be accepted by other men.

6. May despise his own masculinity.

7. May entertain homosexual fantasies or experiences.

8. May take on many feminine characteristics.

Relationship in marriage: 1. Abdication of role as head of the household.

2. Compassionate and sensitive toward his wife.

3. Perfectionism strains the marriage.

4. Homosexual fantasies or relationships strain marriage.

5. Depression and self-criticism emotionally drain wife.

6. Wife feels: 6.1 Ignored 6.2 Not needed 6.3 Low priority 6.4 Not loved

FATHER REJECTS DAUGHTER: SHE REJECTS FATHER'S BLESSING: AUTUMN (FEMALE) Predisposed not to receive love from a man.

Expects to be rejected and not approved of by men.

Identity likely to be established in: 1. Self: independence, has no needs.

1.1 Femininity: beauty, promiscuity.

1.2 Career: workaholism, striving.

1.3 Money: stinginess, fear of lack, need to accumulate.

1.4 Power and status: shallow, manipulative.

1.5 Ministry: ministry superstar.

1.6 Motherhood: supermom.

1.7 Any role in which she can excel.

Potential results: 1. Conflict with male authorities.

2. Doesn't need or trust other people.

3. Is insensitive to the needs of others.

4. Hard and harsh in relationships.

5. Reproduces in her own life hated qualities of her father.

6. May not act very feminine.

7. May enter into lesbian fantasies or experiences.

Relationship in marriage: 1. Usually overtly rebellious toward her husband.

2. Craves love, but won't open up to her husband.

3. Her husband is unable to please her.

4. Highly critical of her husband.

5. May be sexually very unresponsive.

6. Husband feels: 6.1 Unjustly accused 6.2 Unable to ever please her

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6.3 Dishonoured

4.   





FATHER REJECTS DAUGHTER: SHE STRIVES AFTER FATHER'S BLESSING: SPRING (FEMALE) Predisposed to strive after love and acceptance from a man.

Will do whatever is needed to be accepted and approved of.

Identity likely to be established in: 1. Others: Cares very deeply what others think of her: 1.1 Husband 1.2 Children 1.3 Hero 1.4 Boss 1.5 Pastor 1.6 Friends Potential results: 1. Highly sensitive to the needs of others.

2. Compassionate and caring.

3. Undo striving to be accepted by men.

4. May be flirtatious or promiscuous.

5. Often has feelings far more highly developed than logic.

6. Highly self critical.

7. Little inner confidence.

Relationship in marriage: 1. Usually overtly submissive to her husband.

2. Clamours after and smothers her husband.

3. Often makes her husband god.

4. May be possessive and jealous of her husband.

5. Depression and self-criticism emotionally drain husband.

6. No matter how he tries to love her, it is never enough.

7. Presents her husband all her unpaid emotional bills from her father.

8. Husband feels: 8.1 Unjustly accused.

8.2 Unable to ever please her.

8.3 Frustrated.

8.4 Inadequate.

8.5 Smothered.

5.

MOTHER REJECTS SON: HE REJECTS MOTHER'S BLESSING AUTUMN (MALE)

  

Predisposed not to receive love from a woman.

Expects to be rejected and not approved of by women.

Identity likely to be established in: 1. Self: independence, isolates himself from women.

1.1 Masculinity: physique, sexuality.

1.2 Career: workaholism, striving.

1.3 Money: stinginess, fear of lack, need to accumulate.

1.4 Power and status: shallow and manipulative.

1.5 Ministry: ministry superstar.

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



6.   





1.6 Any role in which he can excel.

Potential results: 1. Conflict with female authorities.

2. Doesn't need or trust others (especially women).

3. Is insensitive to the needs of others.

4. Sometimes has very little awareness of his own emotions.

5. Reproduces in himself or his wife hated qualities of his mother.

6. Sometimes hard and harsh in relationships.

7. May turn toward homosexuality in rejection of women.

Relationship in marriage: 1. Is often insensitive or totally oblivious to his wife.

2. Sexually unresponsive and rarely romantic.

3. May become overtly angry and physically abusive.

4. May unwittingly push his wife into the role of being his mother.

5. Wife feels: 5.1 Rejected and mistreated.

5.2 Frustrated.

5.3 Manipulated.

5.4 Like his mother rather than his wife.

MOTHER REJECTS SON: HE STRIVES AFTER MOTHER'S BLESSING: SPRING (MALE) Predisposed to strive after love and acceptance from a woman.

Will do whatever is needed to be accepted and approved of.

Identity likely to be established in: 1. Others: Cares very deeply what others think of him.

1.1 Wife.

1.2 Children.

1.3 Hero.

1.4 Boss.

1.5 Other women.

Potential results: 1. Sensitive and caring.

2. May be highly self critical.

3. Striving to be accepted by women.

4. May have strong focus on physical appearance.

Relationship in marriage: 1. Clamours after his wife's love and attention.

2. May smother his wife, make his wife god.

3. May be possessive and jealous.

4. May force his wife into the role of his mother.

5. Presents his wife all his unpaid emotional bills from his mother.

6. No matter how she tries to love him, it is never enough.

7. Wife feels: 7.1 Smothered.

7.2 Frustrated.

7.3 Drained.

7.4 Inadequate.

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7. MOTHER REJECTS DAUGHTER: SHE REJECTS MOTHER'S BLESSING: WINTER (FEMALE)   





Predisposed not to receive love from a woman.

Expects to be rejected and not approved of by women.

Identity likely to be established in: 1. Self: independent 1.1 Career: workaholism, striving.

1.2 Money: stinginess, fear of lack, need to accumulate.

1.3 Power and status: shallow, manipulative.

1.4 Ministry: ministryholic.

1.5 Motherhood: supermom.

1.6 Any role in which she feels she can prove herself to be a real woman.

Potential results: 1. Conflict with female authorities.

2. Doesn't need or trust other people.

2.1 I can do it myself attitude.

2.2 May not be sensitive to the needs of others.

2.3 May be flirty and promiscuous.

2.4 May reproduce in her own life hated qualities of her mother.

Relationship in marriage: 1. Husband's primary purpose may be to complete her feminine identity.

2. She may be very critical of her husband.

3. She may demand that he love her, but will not let him.

4. She may have difficulty submitting to his authority.

5. She has difficulty communicating real feelings with him.

6. Husband feels: 6.1 Dishonoured 6.2 Unable to please her.

6.3 Unjustly accused.

6.4 Frustrated.

8. MOTHER REJECTS DAUGHTER: SHE STRIVES AFTER MOTHER'S BLESSING: SUMMER (FEMALE)   



Predisposed to strive after love and acceptance from a woman.

Will do whatever is needed to be accepted and approved of.

Identity likely to be established in: 1. Others: Cares very deeply about what others think of her.

1.1 Husband.

1.2 Children.

1.3 Hero.

1.4 Boss.

1.5 Friends.

Potential results: 1. Highly sensitive to the needs of others.

2. Compassionate and caring.

3. Highly self critical.

4. Undue striving to be accepted by other women.

5. May despise her own femininity.

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

6. May enter into lesbian fantasies or experiences.

7. She may take on many masculine characteristics.

Relationship in marriage: 1. Perfectionism may strain the marriage.

2. Depression and self-criticism emotionally drain her husband.

3. She may tend to put more energy into friendships than marriage.

4. Her husband can't satisfy her need for love and acceptance.

5. Husband feels: 5.1 Ignored.

5.2 Frustrated.

5.3 Not needed and unable to capture her attention.

5.4 Dishonoured.

B. COMBINED MESSAGES 1/5: Husband: 1/6: Husband: 2/5: Husband: 2/6: Husband: 3/7 Wife: 3/8 Wife: 4/7 Wife: 4/8 Wife:

I don't need you and I won't let you in.

I desperately need your love, but I won't let you in.

I don't need you, but I need love from others (men).

I'll do anything to get love from you or anyone else.

I don't need you and I won't let you in.

I don't need you, but I need love from others (women).

I desperately need your love, but I won't let you in.

I'll do anything to get love from you or anyone else.

5. BLESSING AND CURSING SOME WAYS A CHILD'S IDENTITY AND DESTINY CAN BE CURSED BY HIS/HER FATHER 1. Shame of his heritage.

2. Rejection of child's sex at birth and/or later.

3. Refusal to relate to the child.

4. Frequent expression of anger toward the child.

5. Frequent physical beating of the child.

6. Constant criticism of the child.

7. Lack of affirmation or expression of delight in the child.

8. Lack of discipline.

9. Physical beating of the child's mother.

10. Constant quarrelling among the parents.

11. Sexual molestation or incest.

12. Lack of hugging and physical affection.

13. Blame of the child for his own unhappiness.

14. Lack of blessing at puberty.

15. Physical unavailability.

16. Emotional unavailability.

17. Preference of a sibling.

18. Authoritarian and insensitive attitude.

19. Death.

20. Divorce.

21. Desertion.

22. Use of the child to sustain the marriage.

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SOME WAYS A CHILD'S IDENTITY AND DESTINY CAN BE CURSED BY HIS/HER MOTHER 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

Conceived in lust.

Unwanted conception.

Attempted abortion.

Traumatic birth.

Attempted adoption.

Release for adoption.

Lack of breast-feeding or nurturing in infancy.

Rejection of child's sex at birth and/or later.

Over possessiveness.

Rejection of child due to a molestation or incest experience.

Resentment of child as an intrusion into her life or career.

Constantly criticising the child.

Preferring a sibling.

Viewing the child as a replacement or replication of someone who died.

Death.

Divorce.

Abandonment.

Using a child to sustain a marriage.

BREAKING THE IDENTITY CURSE AND RELEASING GOD'S BLESSING 1. Humility: agreement with God about your own need (James 5:16).

2. Ask God to show you in what areas your identity has been cursed.

3. Ask God to reveal to you your own feelings from specific experiences.

4. Confess to God how you felt.

5. Repent and receive forgiveness for not running to Him at that time.

6. Repent of resentment, bitterness and hatred.

7. Receive God's forgiveness.

8. Forgive each parent.

9. Release and cut the tie and inner longing for blessing with each parent.

10. Go to the cross of Jesus Christ and receive His blood for: 10.1 Restoration of relationship with the Father.

10.2 Cleansing from defilement.

10.3 Healing of hurt and wounds.

11. Go to the Father and ask Him to reveal to you the truth of: 11.1 Who He is and how He has always related to you.

11.2 Who you are in His sight and your value to Him. 12. Receive your heavenly Father's blessing of your identity.

13. If married, ask your spouse to forgive you for not cleaving and honouring.

14. Cleave to your spouse and let God teach you to bless and honour (Phil. 2:3-4).

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Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious,

never boastful or proud,

never haughty or selfish or rude.

does not demand its own way. not irritable or touchy

does not hold grudges will hardly even notice when others do it wrong.

never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out.

If you love someone you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost.

You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him.

All the special gifts and powers from God will someday come to an end,

but love goes on forever ... the greatest ... is love.

1 Cor 13 (The Living Bible, paraphrased)

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4. My Moral Inventory & list of Grievances:  

GOAL To write a moral inventory, in order to address grudges, anger, fear, jealousy and sexual misconduct/ offenses. Give opportunity for the process of grieving and forgiveness.

METHOD A list of grievances is written (where the person has been hurt by others) of people, institutions and principles that they are angry with and against whom they hold a grudge (old anger). It is extremely important to be very thorough and completely honest, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem at first (denial and suppression is a powerful defense meganism).

Discuss :

1. What is forgiveness 2. Why is forgiveness necessary in the healing process 3. How do I forgive

Write a Moral inventory & List of Grievances, to address your resentment, anger, fear, jealousy and sexual offenses. (Give yourself time for grief / mourning and forgiveness.) List all your grievances against people, institutions and principles that made you angry and that you have a grudge against.

These include: resentment, anger, fear, jealousy, sexual offenses. Thoroughness and honesty is required.

How to make a list of all your grievances: Use any paper / journal / book at your disposal. See example: Make a list of persons / institutions / organizations that you have a grudge against (unforgiveness): PEOPLE THAT SINNED AGAINST YOU:

My List of Grievances: Grudges:

Anger:

Fear:

Jealousy:

Sexual offenses:

1. What is forgiveness: • • • •

To forgive is a decision and not a feeling.

Forgiveness is a process, forgive until you no longer feel angry or sad if you think of any person or person's actions (like peeling an onion until you have reached the core).

You cannot earn forgiveness, is is a free gift (vs. God, others, self). You cannot force someone to forgive you, you can only ask for their forgiveness.

You forgive someone to free yourself of the person, his behavior, and the impact of his behavior on your life. Through forgiveness you can let go of your past. It does not mean you approve what happened.

Forgiveness works on three levels: - God (Receive and ask)

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- Other people (Receive and ask) - Self (Receive and ask)

2. Is forgiveness necessary in your walk with God: We can only surrender our will and our lives to God if we believe in forgiveness. We can only surrender to God's healing and restoration of our own hearts, if we can forgive ourselves, forgive others and ask forgiveness to others for what we did (where we have sinned against them). Here we confess to God and ask His forgiveness. Later we ask forgiveness and make right with people who hurt us.

FORGIVENESS IS THE KEY TO HEALING: physical, psychological, spiritual and relational.

How does unforgiveness / hatred make you sick?

Physical: Tired, tense walk hunched, listless, restless, etc..

Psychological: Emotions: angry, resentful, sad, afraid of getting hurt, vengeful, anger outbursts, feeling rejected and inferior, over sensitive/touchy, easily angered, perfectionist / critical of self (can not forgive himself).

Thoughts: Negative, obsessive, critical, dark, paranoia ("everyone is against me") etc..

Spiritual: Feel far from God, evil, arrogant, challenging God, etc..

Social: Isolate yourself, little long-term relationships, critical of people, find fault with people, you feel better than others, cannot give or receive love, difficult to make friends, do not trust others.

How do you feel when you forgive someone of an old grudge and let the person go, like you have been set free yourself? HATE BRINGS BONDAGE, LOVE SETS US FREE.

How do I forgive?

• •

• • • • •

•

•

To learn forgiveness, one must look in the Bible: Math. 18: 21-35. (from the heart).

We cannot expect God to forgive us, or others to forgive us, if we are not willing to forgive.

Often when you cannot accept God's forgiveness, it is because there is still unforgiveness in your heart.

Express your negative feelings, do not deny it or suppress it, Key 4.

Accept responsibility for your own response to the person's behavior. Own angry, resentful and hatefull feelings. (Not victim mentality).

Ask yourself whether you really want to be healed emotionally and mentally.

By faith you choose to forgive those who hurt you.

Forgiveness must be declared, do it out loud. Talk to God, or pray with another person (eg pastoral counselor). Name the person's name and what that person have done to you, even if the person is deceased. It may help if you call this person, or write a letter, however it is not essential.

Forgiveness means that you pray and intercede for the person, if you still feel the pain and anger against that person. (Gal. 6:7) The sowing and reaping principle: you ask that God will pardon him in His grace through the blood of Jesus and that it does not come back to person.

(Luke 6: 28, 1 Cor. 4: 12) Forgive!

Release!

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Bless!

It is often necessary to pray for God’s blessing in the area in which the person's misdeed against you, robbed you of blessing (eg Financial). Col. 3: 12-13.

Conclusion: By forgiving someone it makes you free yourself from your past, ant the hold that person had on your emotions and thoughts, and your behavior in response to the person's actions. God in the Bible requires us to forgive, otherwise He cannot forgive us.

Unforgiveness makes a person physically, psychologically, spiritually and relationally sick. Forgiveness heals and set you free.

5. Confession  GOAL To admit to God and another person (the Counsellor) the exact nature of our sins, mistakes and wrongdoings (James 5:16). Verbally and in person, with humility, honesty and fearlessness. Allow the Constant Gardener access to the darkest corners of her Secret Garden, to uproot those weeds and cleanse her heart. Confidentiality is of utmost importance for a trust relationship.  METHOD Life-graph is drawn and shared with honesty and thoroughness.

Draw your Life-graph: Take any paper / journal or book, and start to draw your Life-graph. Positive milestones / events above the line (+) and negative milestones / events below the line (-): the X-axis. The Y-axis represents the years of your life. Begin at birth and complete to where you are now.

It is one thing to admit our mistakes / sins only on paper, but quite another thing to acknowledge it to another person in humility and honesty. It is supposed to be a humbling experience, to begin to see yourself in perspective. To honestly see who you really are, and thus to determine who and what you want to be in the future. IT IS IMPORTANT TO BE extremely HONEST. It's more than just a list of your mistakes, wrong actions and their consequences. It is also an attempt to identify wrong thinking and behavior patterns. In order to determine what need to change in yourself, for you to live a happy and productive life.

7 OBJECTIVES:

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1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

To take an honest and complete look at the faults / failures in our past and to identify the character flaws that constantly get us in trouble.

To identify specific events and behaviors in the past that we want to resolve and put behind us. (At Key 8 and 9) To experience a sense of humility, by admitting to God, ourselves and another person the "exact nature of our mistakes."

To experience conviction and remorse for mistakes/ sins in the past. To motivate us to work on our temperament flaws and allow God to change our hearts and renew our minds. (Key 6).

To discover that we can forgive and receive forgiveness for ourselves.

To get rid of the terrible feeling of isolation and loneliness.

At the end of the step to be saved from our guilt and shame.

At the end of an honest and thorough confession, you must be saved and be free of guilt and any shameful feelings of your past. You need to experiecne relief, forgiveness and healing.

"We are as sick as our secrets."

Only when our dark secrets come to light, and the Light, can we be set FREE, to receive healing and restoration.

6. Willing to be changed by God: CHRIST-CHARACTER  GOAL Insight development and identifying character flaws or development areas in person’s temperament, in order to change it with the help of God.  METHOD Use the 4 Seasons Temperament Profiling Baobab Consulting to identify the person’s temperament.

Discuss self-esteem, self-image and character in Christ.

Self-esteem "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Where does self-rejection, and even self-hatred come from? How do I love myself?

DEFINITION OF SELF-IMAGE Each person has three images of himself: Your Ideal Self: Christ-character (C), your Social Self: Personality (P) and your True Self: Temperament (T).

Healthy Self-image For a healthy self-esteem these 3 should integrate. If the three images differ too much, the person feel removed/ disconnected from himself and not in touch with his own feelings and ideals.

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HOW A NEGATIVE SELF-IMAGE DEVELOPS: Your self-esteem usually develolps from negative messages or information you receive about yourself: ● others (parents, family, friends, teachers etc.). ● your environment (situations, achievements, failures etc.). ● self: own thoughts: GREATEST INFLUENCE (what you think and believe about yourself: "THE BATTLEGROUND OF THE MIND" and the lies of the enemy of your soul.) ● God: this is the most important: your Identity in Christ: who you are in Him. When you don’t know the the truth of the Word of God and how God sees you and loves you, your righteousness in Christ, you will believe the lies of the Enemy of your Soul who is the father of lies.

IDEAL SELF (C) ↓ You realize your Ideal Self (C) and True Self (T) are not the same ↘ self-contempt → self-esteem weakens ↗ ↘ fail to fix self guilt feelings ↖ ↙ Try to fix self and compensate with achievements / or fake it / "Constant renovations" It is a vicious cycle, and it must be broken. The way you break out of this cycle is to accept yourself for who and what you are, for who and what God created you to be (your Temperament), to see your potential in Christ through His eyes (Christ-character). To stop trying to change and fix yourself, and the temperament flaws you have (because every single person has character flaws and shortcomings in his Temperament). Simply give it over to Jesus, to change your heart and renew your mind. So that by the power of the Holy Spirit at work within you, Christ's character can take shape in your heart (Secret Garden of the Heart).

Take an honest look at yourself, identify the temperament flaws you want to surrender to Jesus, so that He can be formed in you. Remember no one is perfect, this side of eternity ... just trust God's process in your life, surrender to Him with an open heart and mind, willing clay in the Potter's hands, let Him shape you and make you into a vessel of glory.

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SUMMARY OF 4 SEASONS AND THEIR FEATURES

Key Words Strengths

Weaknesses/ Flaws

Your thoughts

Left brain dominant - Task oriented

Right brain dominant – People oriented

Winter Garden Organizer: Driver Doer

Summer Garden Developer: Expressive Feeler

Action, Organize Strong willpower Visionary Practical Productive Decide fast Leader Optimistic Confident Activist / doer Persevere Orderly, purposeful Want to be in charge Organize Plan Independent Team player Bossy Unemotional Touchy Domineering Unforgiving Sarcastic Moody Cruel Self-sufficient Aggressive Insensitive Unsympathetic Heart is hardened Impatient Plan Organize Detail Sequencing Preserve Control Conservative

Spring Garden Planner: Analytical Thinker

Ability, Gifted Aesthetic Artistic Gifted, creative Self-disciplined Productive Self-sacrificing Outwardly calm Realistic Experience intense emotions Sensitive Intuitive Quiet, reflective Loyal Keep in background Introspective Idealist Thinker Theoretical Touchy Easily offended Revenge Persecute Self-absorbed Moody Asocial Perfectionist Self-critical, selfbelittling Indecisive Pessimistic Easily discouraged Logical Analytical Internalize deeply Quantitative Factual Critical Technical

Synergy, Innovate Passionate Popular, enjoyable Responsive Enthusiastic Communicate easily Warm Big hearted Friendly Free with emotion Optimistic Intuitive See the big picture Idealistic Musically gifted Sensory seeking Artisan Feeler

Exaggerate Egocentric Unproductive Unstable, volatile Undisciplined Impractical Give up easily Talk a lot Double minded, don’t stick to decisions Little willpower Impulsive Restless Poor concentration Emotional Interpersonal Sensation seeking Kinesthetic Expressive Synthesize (make new plans)

Autumn Garden Diplomat: Genial Helper

Peacemaker, Teacher Calm Quiet Reliable Stable Objective Diplomatic Effective Practical Dry humor Non-aggressive Easy going Peacemaker Live ordered High stress tolerance Musically gifted Teacher Helper Logistical Unmotivated Postpones easily Selfish Stingy Indecisive Worried Observe as outsider Slow and lazy Tease Stubborn Avoid conflict Collects gossip, and "horror stories" Easily feels inferior Holistic Intuitive Metaphorical Integrating Visual Conceptual Logistics

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Like procedure Like numbers Search for solutions Intellectual in the past Rational Quick witted

Work well with others that

Respond best to parent/ boss who

Likes routine, sustains and finish tasks. Are more careful. Are more factual and detailed.

Provides direct answers. Sticks to tasks. Gets to the point.

Provides pressure. Allows freedom for personal accomplishments.

Basic Motivation Motivation

Challenge & Control Mastering Achievement Quality control Security, Reliability Productivity

Ideal environment at work or at home

Constant and new challenges.

Freedom to act and do. Diverse and varied activities.

Freedom from control. Needs authority and to control. Difficult assignments.

Opportunities for advancement .

Choices rather than ultimatums.

Needs direct answers from

Live in present Metaphorical thinking, think visually

Make quick decisions.

Are optimistic and encouraging.

Help convince.

Are more factual and detail oriented.

Perseveres and concentrates on task. Approach a task logically.

Provides Is fair and is also a reassurance. friend.

Spells out detailed Provides social operating involvement. procedures.

Provides Provides recognition of resources to do abilities. task correctly.

Offers rewards for Listens to risk-taking. suggestions.

Quality & recognition & Correctness Approval

Learn by doing Interpersonal Academic

Reach out for new challenges. Help to solve problems.

Initiate and pursue change.

Is relaxed and friendly.

Allows time to adjust to changes.

Allows to work at own pace.

Gives personal support.

Compassion Effectiveness Functionality Value, Quality Harmony

Discovery Strategy Pleasure Beauty Risk, adventure

Stability & Support Love and kindness Mercy Communication Order Peace

Clearly defined tasks. Strong on detail. Limited risks. Tasks that require precision, punctuality, accuracy and planning. Time to think and meditate.

Opportunity to analyze and judge. Peace and quiet. Specified and stable work environment.

Needs time to do

Friendly atmosphere and relationships. Free from control and detail. Prestige.

Opportunities to help, influence and motivate others.

Likes public attention and events. Likes positive affirmation and to be praised.

Needs enthusiastic and positive feedback on ideas.

Chance to verbalize

Specific and specialized.

Opportunity to work in a team.

Identification with a group's established work pattern.

Security.

Consistent, predictable and familiar. True appreciation and recognition of work.

Prefers traditional methods. Seek opportunity to explore new

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others.

Needs to learn

Likes and dislikes

What makes him ‘tick’ Spiritual weakness

Negative effects of the above

You need people.

Relaxation is not a crime. Some controls are needed.

Everyone has a boss/ parents.

Self-control is most important.

To focus on finishing well is important.

Sensitivity to people's feelings is wise. Patience.

Be more flexible.

Likes new challenges and problems. Dislike standing still or advancing too slowly.

Seek results.

New challenges.

Pride (Self 1st): Self-sufficient Smug Impatient Domineering Want themselves to be in control.

Struggle with surrender – let God be in control.

Hasty, thoughtless decisions.

Too strict with children.

Too high standards.

Easily take credit for what God has

things right.

Needs to be reassured.

Total support is not always possible.

Thorough explanation is not everything.

Deadlines must be met. More optimism will lead to greater success. Be more open to feelings.

Discover confidence.

Develop more optimism.

Likes specific methods.

Dislikes lack of quality.

and explain ideas.

relationships.

Time must be managed.

Deadlines are important. Too much optimism can be dangerous.

Being responsible is more important than being popular.

Listening better will improve one's influence.

Objectivity in decision making.

Change provides opportunity.

Friendship isn't everything.

Discipline is good.

Boldness and taking risks is sometimes necessary.

Confrontation and conflict is necessary.

Initiate more.

Work faster.

Likes to be involved with other people.

Dislikes being isolated.

Likes friendship and harmony.

Dislikes conflict.

It has to be right or correct.

Quality.

Pride (Self 1st):

Seeks appreciation and recognition.

Approval.

Seeks relationships.

Appreciation.

Pride (Self 1st):

Pride (Self 1st):

Self-pity Critical of self.

Judgmental Shy, embarrassed.

Self-conscious.

Easily offended.

Do not like people who stand in your way or whose opinions differ from yours.

Expect too much from children.

Interfere in others' affairs.

Will take time off

Self-centered

Self-preservation

Hedonistic: pleasure seeker.

Easily tempted/ enticed.

Aimless.

Financial difficulties.

Do not stick to timeframes.

Poor time management.

Cannot focus on one thing for long.

Waste time with too much talking.

Start new things that

Reject others if they disappoint you.

Critical of others.

Lie / Mislead others.

Fear of conflict.

Hurt people with insensitive humor, jokes, mocking.

Do not put everything in and work hard on an ongoing basis.

"White" lies, distort the truth.

Manipulate others (to have own way).

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Fruit of Selfishness Christcharacter Features: FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT Spiritual Gifts are often

done.

Lack of humility.

Abrupt.

Quarrelsome, enjoy arguing.

Emotionally hardened.

No sympathy for others' mistakes, weaknesses or suffering.

Lack love / compassion.

Anger

work for own tasks.

Vindictive, struggle with unforgiveness.

Don’t trust people.

Let emotions lead, over sensitive, easily offended, take things too personally.

Paranoid Feel that people conspire against you.

Fear

are not easily completed/ finished.

Postpone easily.

Impatient with Spring Gardens.

Attention Deficit.

Hyper active.

Bad study habits.

Impulsive / hasty reaction to circumstances.

Led by feelings.

Passive-aggressive, avoid conflict.

Can become ruthless ... even cruel when conscience become seared.

Emotionally numb, struggle to connect with your partner, children.

Stubborn.

Resist change.

Anger

Fear

LOVE PEACE GENTLENESS GOODNESS PATIENCE

GOODNESS FAITH JOY PEACE LOVE

SELF-CONTROL PEACE HUMILITY PATIENCE

LOVE FAITH GOODNESS FRIENDLINESS SELF-CONTROL

Leadership Prophecy Prophet

Exhortation Mercy Gifts of Healing

GENTLENESS Giving Evangelist

Teaching Ministry Pastor/ Teacher

You’re Born with It! “Why is it that I can’t control myself? I know what’s right and wrong. I just don’t seem to be able to do what’s right. The apostle Paul no doubt felt that same way when he said, “To will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me” (Rom. 7:18-20).

Note that Paul differentiated between himself and that uncontrollable force within by saying, “It is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.” The “I” is Paul’s person, the soul, will, and the human mind. The “sin” that resided in him resulted from the natural weaknesses that he, like all human beings, received from his parents.

At the moment of our conception we all inherited a basic genetic temperament that contains both our strengths and Spirit-Controlled Temperament our weaknesses. This temperament is called several things in the Bible: “the natural man,” “the flesh,” “the old man,” and “corruptible flesh,” to name a few. It is the basic impulse of our being that seeks to satisfy our wants. To properly understand the temperament’s control of our actions and reactions, we should define three terms and carefully distinguish among them: temperament, character, and personality.

Temperament Temperament is the combination of inborn traits that subconsciously affects all our behavior. These traits, which are passed on by our genes, are based on hereditary factors and arranged at the time of conception. Six people contribute through the gene pool to the makeup of every baby: two parents

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and four grandparents. Some authorities suggest that we may get more genes from our grandparents than our parents. That could account for the greater resemblance of some children to their grandparents than to their parents. The alignment of temperament traits, though unseen, is just as predictable as the color of eyes, hair, or size of body. It is a person’s temperament that makes that person outgoingand extrovertish or shy and introvertish.

Doubtless you know both kinds of people who are siblings—born to the same parents. Similarly, it is temperament that makes some people art or music enthusiasts, while others are sports or industry minded. In fact, I have met outstanding musicians whose brothers or sisters were tone-deaf. I think of one professional football player whose brother has never watched him play a game because, as he tells it, he “just can’t stand to watch violence.”

Character Character is the real you. The Bible refers to it as “the hidden person of the heart” (1 Pet. 3:4). It is the result of your natural temperament modified by childhood training, education, and basic attitudes, beliefs, principles, and motivations. It is sometimes referred to as “the soul” of a person, which is made up of the mind, emotions, and will. Character combines your temperament, training, moral values, beliefs, and habit patterns. It is indeed the net result of all the influences and religious commitment on your life. It is what you really are when there is no one else around. What you do when you have the freedom to do what you want to do is an expression of yourself.

Personality Personality is the outward expression of oneself, which may or may not be the same as a person’s character, depending on how genuine that person is. Often personality is a pleasing facade for an unpleasant or weak character. Many are acting a part today on the basis of what they think they should be as a person, rather than what they really are. This is a formula for mental and spiritual chaos. It is caused by following the human formula for acceptable conduct. The Bible tells us, “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Sam. 16:7), and, “Out of it [the heart] spring the issues of life” (Prov. 4:23). The place to change behavior is inside man, not outside.

Summary In summary, temperament is the combination of traits we were born with; character is our “civilized” temperament; and personality is the “face” we show to others. Since temperament traits are inherited genetically from our parents, we should keep in mind some of the natural factors that influence them.

Temperament traits, whether controlled or uncontrolled, last throughout life. The older we get, however, the softer and more mellow our harsh and hard traits tend to become. People learn that if they are to live at peace with their neighbors, it is best to emphasize their natural strengths and subdue their weaknesses.

Many successfully develop their characters and improve their personalities, but it is doubtful that any are able to change basic temperament. Yet it is possible to modify it to such a degree that it almost seems to have changed. (from “The Spirit-controlled Temperament, Tim laHaye)

The Character of Christ is formed in you, as you yield to the work of Holy Spririt in your life,

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you will become more Christ-like.

The more you die to self, the more you are alive in Christ – when you allow the Potter to form the clay into a vessel for His glory, purposes and Kingdom. “Christ in us, the hope of glory”.

When you allow the Refiner’s fire to purify you from your own weaknesses, charater flaws, sins and habits.

Not trying to constantly renovate yourself, but yield to His work in you.

7. Prayer  GOAL: Recognition and surrender to God of the negative areas in your temperament, through prayer. Ask God for the gifts of the Spirit to take shape in you, through the inworking of His Holy Spirit. For each temperament flaw, there is a fruit of the Spirit. Admit that you cannot rely on your flesh, but must die to self, and live a spirit-life, "Christ in us, the hope of glory". 

METHOD: Pray with your counselor.

"We humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings."

PRAYER: "Almighty and loving Heavenly Father.

I am now ready to surrender to You completely, the good and the bad.

I pray that you will now start to change my heart and renew my mind, remove my shortcomings and deliver me from my temperament flaws.

Those flaws that stand in the way of my relationship with You and others.

Let the fruit of Your Spirit take root and bear fruit in the garden of my heart.

I want to be useful to you, so that Your kingdom can come, in me and through my life.

Grant me the strength and wisdom, from this point on, to do Your will.

Amen.

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Christ-Character Refiner’s Fire my heart’s one desire is to be holy set apart for You -let me be as gold pure gold.

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Refined As Gold The refining process is painful and takes a long time.

However, the end result is worth more than gold in the eyes of the Lord!

“Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.” ~Isaiah 48:10 “I will bring the one-third through the fire, Will refine them as silver is refined, And test them as gold is tested.

They will call on My name, And I will answer them.

I will say, ‘This is My people’; And each one will say, ‘The LORD is my God.’” ~Zechariah 13:9 He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver.

Then the LORD will have men who will bring offerings in righteousness. ~Malachi 3:3

Christ in us, the hope of glory Harvest It’s time now for the harvest!

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. ~ Galatians 6:9 Those who sow in tears Shall reap in joy. ~Psalm 126:5

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Autumn Garden The Harvest: A New Heart I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. ~Ezekiel 36:26 So then neither he who plants is anything, nor he who waters, but God who gives the increase. ~1 Corinthians 3:7 You have given me greater joy than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine. ~Psalm 4:7

Spring Garden The Harvest: Treasure For the LORD has chosen Jacob to be his own, Israel to be his treasured possession. ~Psalm 135:4 God sees His children as precious treasures.

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Winter Garden The Harvest: Patience Patience conveys the idea of someone who is tremendously strong and able to withstand all assaults. -Oswald Chambers The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. ~Ecclesiastes 7:8

Summer Garden The Harvest: Trust “Faith, as the Bible teaches it, is faith in God coming against everything that contradicts Him— a faith that says, “I will remain true to God’s character whatever He may do.”

The highest and the greatest expression of faith in the whole Bible is— “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him” ( Job 13:15 )." ~Oswald Chambers

Art by Stacy Lee http://stacylee.redbubble.com

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Love Conquers All “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.

Now remain in my love.”

-John 15:9

The Anointing Oil The oil is in the crushing.

The greater you crush an olive— the greater the oil flow.

Suffering releases the power of the Holy Spirit (oil). If you had not gone through what you’ve been you, you wouldn’t have the empowerment for the next level God is bringing you into.

So Samuel took the horn of oil and anointed him in the presence of his brothers, and from that day on the Spirit of the LORD came upon David in power. ~1 Samuel 16:13

He Delights in Me You shall no longer be termed Forsaken, Nor shall your land any more be termed Desolate; But you shall be called Hephzibah [My delight is in her], and your land Beulah [Married]; For the LORD delights in you, And your land shall be married.

Isaiah 62:4

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8. List of persons harmed  GOAL: To make a list of all the people the client have harmed and with whom she is willing to make matters right.  METHOD: List is set up, include people who are far away or who have died, see Inventory at Key 4. Including those for which you are not ready to apologize / ask forgiveness to now.

9. Make matters right  GOAL: To make matters right and reconcile with those client hurt directly, unless it will hurt people unnecessarily. Wisdom must be used, love comes before honesty. In order to accept consequences and take responsibility for wrong doings in client’s past.  METHOD: Client will go to the person in the spirit of humility and forgiveness, repent of own ill feelings in the past and express regret about events. Focus on own mistakes, and not on criticism of the other person, ask for forgiveness.

This step involves: • Thorough and honest introspection. Start with people listed in Key 4 Inventory.

• If you do not feel willing to do so, pray and seek God until you are.

• Read about how you should approach the person with whom you rectify matters:

Use the following guidelines: - Approach person in a spirit of forgiveness and assistance.

Express your regret about the events, honestly.

Under no circumstances should the person be criticized or argued with.

- Do not discuss the person's mistakes, but admit your own.

Be CALM, STRAIGHT, FRANK. Be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble, but you do not have to grovel.

"faith without works is dead" If this step is carefully and honestly done, you will know new happiness and freedom. You will not regret the past. You will know peace and serenity. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

You will lose interest in selfish things and develop interest in your fellow man. Selfishness will fade.

Your whole attitude and outlook on life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will disappear. You will suddenly realize that God is for you, and that God can do for you what you cannot do for yourself.

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Example of List: Name of person

Relationship with person

Harm done

Temperament flaw of self

Am I willing to forgive and make matters right?

Erik

Employer

I stole R1000

Dishonest and greedy.

Yes.

10. regular inventory "We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."

This Discipleship process and 12 Keys is a new way of life after we have been cleaned of our past. So we want to keep our lives clean and enter the life of the Holy Spirit. We are more discerning, have greater understanding and wisdom and live more effective lives as disciples of Jesus. Guard against selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear (As well as the Temperament flaws that you have identified in Key 6). If we want to come up, we ask God to remove them, and we have to change as He changes our hearts and renew our minds.

It is easy to relax this spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. If we do, we seek trouble. WE MUST STAY SPIRITUALLY FIT. Every day is a gift of grace, where we first seek God’s will and His Kingdom in our lives. REMEMBER: DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD LIKE THEM TO DO UNTO

YOU.

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Sowing the Good Seed 11.

Contact with God

Through prayer and meditation on God’s Word we try to improve our conscious contact with God and we only ask for knowledge of His will for us and the power to execute it."

This step involves prayer and reflection, in the morning, during the day and in the evening. In the morning when we wake up, we think about the day ahead. We ask God to guide our thoughts, and free us from self-pity and dishonest and selfish motives. Ask God for wisdom and inspiration for decisions to be made. Surrender ourselves to God, trusting Him for the day, relaxed and calm, abiding in His rest in the day. Our lives do not become a struggle. In the evening we look back on the day in a positive way. We ask God to forgive our trespasses, and for wisdom to know what we can do to rectify matters. But beware not to become over-analytical and to be full of worry and unfounded guilt. We trust God through the Holy Spirit to make us aware of any thoughts or behaviors that hurt ourselves or others.

LET YOUR WILL BE DONE TODAY. Live life to the fullest, one day at a time.

11.

Testify – Make disciples

"After we have had a spiritual awakening, as a result of these actions, we conveyed this message to others and applied these principles in all our affairs."

As you can see, only the last step is to help others. Sometimes you want to prematurely jump in and help others, before you have been helped and healed first. Wait with this step until you are spiritually, emotionally and physically ready.

However, it is very necessary that a desire arises in your heart to help others. It will also make you stronger in the process.

ENJOY YOUR NEW LIFE. A LIFE OF SURRENDER TO GOD AND HIS WILL AND PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE. THIS IS A PRECIOUS GIFT FROM GOD. ALSO REMEMBER THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE. GOD PROMISED IN HIS WORD: "I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU, NOR FORSAKE YOU." (Heb. 13:5) So since Christ suffered in the flesh for us, for you, arm yourselves with the same thought and purpose, patiently to suffer rather than fail to please God. For whoever has suffered in the flesh having the mind of Christ is done with intentional sin, has stopped pleasing himself and the world, and pleases God.

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So that he can no longer spend the rest of his natural life living by his human appetites and desires, but he lives for what God wills.

Above all things have intense and unfailing love for one another, For love covers a multitude of sins, forgives and disregards the offenses of others.

1 Pet. 4:1,2,8

RESOURCES Alkoholiste Anoniem. Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. Goodwood Wes-Kaap: NBD. 2000.

Cynthia R. Philkill & M.S. Suzanne Walsh, M.S. Ed. Equipped to serve: Caring for Women in Crisis Pregnancies, A Volunteer Training Manual. Colorado U.S.A: Equipped to serve Publishing, 2002.

Eldredge, John. Waking the dead. The glory of a heart fully alive. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2003.

Hill, Craig S. The Ancient Paths. Family Foundations Publishing, 1992. http://christiancounseling.com/content/philosophy-of-ministry [1] Graeme Goldsworthy, “Is Biblical Theology Viable?”, Explorations 11 Interpreting God’s Plan: Biblical Theology and the Pastor, General Editor ? R.J. Gibson, 1998, Paternoster Press, p. 36.

[2] Westminster Confession of Faith, Chapter 1, Section VI LaHaye, Tim. Spirit-controlled Temperament. Illinois: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. 1994.

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Baobab Consulting

hanlie.baobab@gmail.com www.baobabtherapy.com